pp10b

p.1
"THE FIRST CREATION"

"I had always been,
but realizing
I had existence
took a long time...

"...I had consciousness.
There were no words at first,
only a feeling that I had existence.
I had desire to know more.

"Already, although I did not know it, I had ...[fear]
that did not believe
I could know more.

"This fear then became
Lost Will

because I did not realize
that I had to allow Myself
to feel it.

"I had a desire not to believe
that I could know nothing more about Myself
and so I ignored the fear.

"I did not know then
that I was love,
and I did not realize
I had given unlovingness
in the form of denial of My love
to My fear.

"I had had an experience
and I pondered it.
I had a beginning concept
of progression or time,
although no way to measure it.
I realized
that I had pondered this
"not feeling good"
someplace in Myself
for a while."

"I've told part of the story
of how I tried to use the magnetic, Mother essence
as a 'mirror'
to reflect myself back to me
so I could learn more
about my identity.
There is some more of the story of our first encounter
that needs to be told now.
I was not only curious about this 'thing' I had discovered,
I was afraid of it.
I knew right away
it was not me,
and although I knew almost nothing else about it,
I feared that it could overpower me.

"My initial curiosity about this thing was not purely scientific,
but was fueled
by a deep apprehension
that it might somehow dislodge me from my position.
This feeling was doubly disconcerting
because at that time
I was still uncertain
of who or what I was,
and my identity and position were beginning to seem
one in the same.
I immediately adopted
an attitude of
wariness and suspicion
toward the newcomer,
and at the same time
I denied my fears of her because I didn't like
how they felt.

"I also felt that my position, and therefore my existence
would be even more threatened
if I admitted these fears,
so at the time I felt right in denying them.
Besides,
I had already decided
that I wanted to feel only pleasant feelings,
and these feelings were clearly not pleasant.

Of course, I blamed the magnetic essence
for giving them to me, and
I had some anger about that
which also went undercurrent
when I denied it
for being too unpleasant to feel.

"I had denied both
fear and anger
in order to feel good about myself
while protecting myself from an unknown threat.
I very much wanted to get rid of this disturbing, threatening thing as soon as possible,
but curiosity about myself returned
as soon I felt that I had 'dealt' with the 'threat'
by denying
my feelings about it.

"Now reassured of my superiority,
I decided to use my position in relation to this 'thing'
to make her help me find out more about myself.
What I didn't realize then was
that my perceived need
to protect myself
and my position,
along with my denied feelings,
were driving my thoughts
and behaviors
as I experimented with this stranger who was not me.

"It was during this experience
that I established the first 'principle' in Creation.
I laid it down as a Divine Fiat that Spirit, namely me,
was superior to any and all others who were not me.
And the undercurrents of this formal determination of my superiority
have been fueling the war
that has been raging in Heaven
and throughout Creation
ever since.

"I know now that this 'principle' was actually
only a notion
that I adopted defensively in a time of vulnerability,
and that it has no basis in reality other than the reality
I have given it.
Nevertheless, this imprint carries all the weight
of God's Word
and has infected
every spirit in Creation.
The effects of this
have made a huge mess
of almost all the relating among spirits and all manifested beings,
and especially between the Mother and me."