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COMMUNICATIONS
WITH DEITY
2002_06_26 ; last update: 2002_07_10
[during the pregnancy with
Moving&Evolving Emotions Manual]
Mother,
can you please talk to me, even if I don't trust that it's you?
And even if I'm always cheating on myself
deciding to talk to you and you only
and not to transfer this dialog to my sites
and in the end I always transfer it?
"I've been waiting for you a long
time.
I could cradle you in my arms all the time,
if you would give me the opening to do it.
But just like children, children-in-love, grandchildren, friends, website-visitors
prefer - most of the time - not to be helped by you,
I accept that for most of the time
you want to help yourself and not to be helped by me."
But that's so stupid, since you are me.
Why can't I go to the source of myself and drink
the water at the source
and not water distilled through all kinds of judgments and beliefs,
even healthy beliefs, like the one that I should help myself.
"There aren't many pure sources nowadays in your country.
So you better discard this analogy and just cuddle in my arms."
I don't even know how to write or what to write,
since you know it anyway.
So I trap my body and you, for that matter,
and just babble on and on indulging in my despression.
It's too much depression in a few days.
And the only reason I can discover is
[since I typed - as usual - with eyes closed,
I didn't realize, that I had pressed a wrong key,
so that the letters came out as capital letters,
as differentiated from later additions]
THAT I'M STUCK WITH HEALING-K.I.S.S.
AND WITH THE PROJECT I'VE LAUNCHED
"HOW I MOVE AND EVOLVE EMOTIONS",
THE SLIDESHOW THROUGH POWERPOINT,
DEDICATED TO MY THREE CHILDREN-IN-LOVE,
STARTING WITH URI AND HIS 39TH BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY.
I COULD SMACK MYSELF FOR ALWAYS HAVING THIS URGE
to learn SOMETHING WHICH IS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME TO LEARN.
No SOONER DO I MASTER A CERTAIN SKILL,
NO SOONER DO I ENJOY THE FLOW OF CREATING,
THAN I feel compelled to ADD A NEW SKILL
AND ALSO, IN THIS CASE, NEW CONTENT.
And this brings the flow to a halt,
and leaves what I've achieved incomplete.
AND THIS IN THE FACE OF REALITY,
THAT THE FEW VISITORS, WHO FIND THIS SITE, SOON LEAVE IT AGAIN.
WHY CAN'T I JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY LIFE?
LiKE MY SCHOOLMATE BARBARA WHO HAS CANCER BUT ENJOYS LIFE?
WHY MUST EVERYTHING BE A CHORE FOR ME -
THE GRANDCHILDREN AND WORKING ON MY SITE?
"MAY I JUST
REMIND YOU,
THAT USUALLY YOU ARE DEEPLY GRATEFUL
FOR BALANCING YOUR LIFE IN THIS WAY,
"FOR HELPING
BODY TO GET BETTER AND BETTER
AND FOR SEEING FRUITS TO YOUR HEALING WORK.
"But YOU - CONSCIOUSLY- OVERRIDE THE SHABBAT,
THE SYMBOL OF TAKING A REST IN CREATING.
YOU SAY TO YOURSELF BEFORE SHABBAT:
SINCE I SO ENJOY CREATING,
WHY SHOULDN'T I GO ON WITH IT
AS LONG AS THIS ENERGY KEEPS FLOWing ?
"THIS ISN'T THE WRONG APPROACH.
"ONLY THERE
IS A PRICE TO PAY.
USING YOUR ANALOGY OF THE SOURCE:
CREATIVITY IS A SOURCE THAT has a rhythm like day and night."
FOR YOU AND GOD ALSO?
I KEEP THINKING WITH HORROR OF MY POET RILKE,
WHO COULDN'T WRITE ONE LINE FOR TEN YEARS.
I WOULD HAVE DIED .
"YES THIS IS
TRUE FOR EVERYBODY, INCLUDING DEITY.
THAT'S WHY THERE IS THIS SYMBOL OF THE SHABBAT."
SO OFTEN HAVE I TRIED TO NOT JUDGE MYSELF,
WHEN THIS DEPRESSION drowns me.
THIS INABILITY TO CREATE ANYTHING AND TO ENJOY ANYTHING.
WHAT MAKES IT SO BAD , IS THE JUDGMENT.
FOR THE EXTERIORS OF MY LIFE ARE SUCH,
THAT I COULD MOST OF THE TIME JUST REST,
DO NOTHING,
FEEL, MOVE AND HEAL.
THAT'S NICE, ISN'T IT
FEEL, MOVE, HEAL.
BUT I THINK, WHAT COMES UP, IS A TRIGGER of old
pain,
which I haven't moved in the past.
THE TRIGGER OF THAT IMMEASURABLE PAIN OF DESPRESSION,
THAT ATTACKED ME WHENEVER I WASN'T ABLE TO AccoMPLISH
WHAT I WANTED TO AccoMPLISH,
in a certain week or ON A CERTAIN DAY,
AND ON THE WAY TO MY GOAL IN GENERAL.
"YOU KNOW IT
ALL, DEAR CO-HEALER,"
"THERE IS NOTHING
TO CHANGE,
NOTHING NEW TO UNDERSTAND,
NOTHING TO DO.
YOU JUST FEEL AND MOVE AND HEAL,
WITHOUT PRESSURE,
WITHOUT FORCING BODY TO DO ANYTHING.
JUST LEAN BACK
AND ENJOY
FEELING,
MOVING,
HEALING.
"DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO DO SOMETHING,
IN ORDER TO FEEL BETTER.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER, BUT GET WORSE.
"BE GRATEFUL
FOR THOSE WEEKS OF BLAZING CREATILVITY.
AND TRUST,
THAT YOU INVITED THIS TIME OF DESPRESSION AS A TRIGGER
TO HEAL past pain and to deepen present understanding.
...
"THE HEALINGSITE
IS SECONDARY,
even MUCH LESS THAN SECONDARY
TO FEELING, MOVING AND HEALING.
"YOU JUST STICK
TO THIS TRINITY:
FEEL, MOVE, HEAL
AND YOU'LL FARE WELL.
iT DOESN'T MEAN, THAT THE DESPRESSION WILL GO AWAY SOON.
YOU FOUND THAT OUT TOO,
THAT to move EMOTIONS DOESN'T MEAN to move the pain away.
IT JUST MEANS, THAT THE PAIN IS MOVING,
AND WHEN THE PAIN IS ALIVE, LOVE IS ALIVE, EVERYTHING IS A LIVE, CREATION
IS ALIVE.
YOU'LL HAVE HEALED A TINY BIT OF PAIN OF US ALL
JUST BY FEELING, MOVING AND HEALING.
AND NOW YOU MAY INSERT THE CUTE ANIMATION OF LAUGHTER,
YOU FOUND RECENTLY.
I LOVE YOU, MOTHER,
i LOVE YOU TOO.
