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COMMUNICATIONS
WITH DEITY
2002_10_24 ; latest update: 2003_05_16
In retrospect this was the preparation for my
Wrestling with Tomer
Japanese child stricken by mercury poisoning. Photo by Eugene Smith , Printed in "The Crystal Chalice", spiritual Themes for Women, by Tag Inayat, year ? On the back of this clipping - which has been in my treasure box for 19 years now - is a collage of quotes: "Woman is called upon to fulfill a
great role "Don't look at me! Look at what I'm
looking at"
As to the Biblical prophesy [Is. 32, 17-20]
on the clipping , I'll expand the quote, and add Buber's translation. 15.4. 85
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Mother, Mother, Mother, Two Ethiopian kids, that's my only condition:
two and black. "Yes it's me talking." Please go one saying the words in YOUR name, "You have
been prepared for that, dear child. Now I opened the
last dialog with you, "That's okay. Mother, I don't believe,
it's you who is speaking. When I raced down
to Ronnit to show her the picture, now on this page, "But, daughter, that's exactly
why you are ready What? What do you say?! "You know
yourself, that the time ahead of you is not meant to be peaceful. "You
read this morning, twice, in your Hebrew and in your German text, "You've
done such profound thinking about the benefit of dependency, I'm not yet intending anything! "This is true too, "I repeat, and you can stone
me It will not save the world or this mad country. "We are not talking about
saving , you know that. That sounds, I can't even say, how it
sounds. "We understand that, |
,I don't believe you, Mother, I doubt, Mother,
I feel that if you won't abide by this promise,
I'll loose my trust in your talking to me altogether.
It's just my own silly, crazy, loving Heart speaking
And who would allow me to have these kids anyway.
I'm too old, I'm not married, I'm financially dependent on my children .
"You are not
meant to "have" these children.
Let go of the idea of legally adopting them.
It's just like with any other "possession".
It's you who is constanly demonstrating,
that a country, or a place like
your hill doesn't' have to be yours,
in order to give you the chance to walk and work there daily,
and to harvest the fruits for which you've worked.
Your trees, the place for your tent~~~
even to grow plants, you don't need a garden for it.
"Why do you
want to "possess" these kids?"
Because I don't want authorities etc. to meddle into
it,
and because I don't want my children and others
and maybe even myself in times of crisis,
assume that there is an alternative.
"That's the
same bullshit people say to justify
why they have to have a house of their own,
land of their own, a country of their own.
"You do not
need any exterior securities and proofs
for being and acting as a mother,
or for being recognized by others as a mother.
"There is this
legal concept of "fosterparent".
Your daughter mentioned it by the way.
It will help you with the finances,
and what's more, it will give "the" authorities a chance to learn
from you.
Remember, how it was, when your bus constantly needed repairs.
You understood, that this was the way to bring the men you needed to repair
it, in contact with you,
and being in contact with you means for people to be in contact with themselves,
their uniqueness and their dreams.
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"Isn't it that
you wanted to be a foster mother, while your children were still small?"
Yes, and later I was grateful to my husband, that he didn't allow it.
"That was right for you then.
You had so much to do and to learn and to heal
and to come such a long way to where you are now.
But now you are ready."
But remember what happened to me with Levi.
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Immanuel was in
first grade, when I accompanied the annual school excursion. |
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Levi at the celebration of Elah's
birth.
Behind him Immanuel&Ruth, Elah's parents. To the right Ronnit and Uri, and Uri's sister, then the girlfriend of Micha . |
But what a shameful recognition one day,
that I felt him as a "foreign body" in my flesh.
And though I did do so much for him and still love him dearly,
I've always felt that I failed in accomplishing what I wanted to.
So now, if the children will not be my own,
I fear this will happen again.
Something in me might reject them,
because they are not my own flesh and blood.
"Well, if you would adopt them
legally,
and no authority would have a saying in bringing up these children,
this wouldn't make them your flesh and blood, either, would it."
That's true.
"Give it time. It's not something you'll start tomorrow."
Yes I said from the start,
that I'll pursue this idea only,
once ....
"Which will happen soon."
Really?
"Really!"
Mind you not to talk from my wishful thinking, I implore you,
Mother,
I'll loose all trust in this communication thing~~~
"If so, maybe you need to loose your trust?
Remember, God tells you to have faith only in yourself."
But he also used the analogy of a known group excercise:
one person falls backwards and trusts that the other person will catch her.
"You see? That' why I suggest, that you trust.
And if you should fall and feel betrayed by me,
I'll be there to help you cope with it."
Aren't you just being smart and sophisticated now?
"YOu really are suspicious, hey, and even rebellious.
That's okay.
 2002_11_08 During the hours of editing and sculpting this page, it so happened, that I came across another anguished mother-child. |
"Edit this dialog - not now, but in a
week or so, Yes, and I'm not trusting myself, "Let go now." People will judge me, when they
read this. OK, I tremble, but I'll take your advice and live this fear now. "I am with you, with
the same compassion |
2002_11_09
I did not deem it important, that this photo belonged to
an article about "broken families".
But then I was led to see the movie: "HOMECOMING"
Four children from a broken family come home to ~~~~ their unknown grandmother.
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Their
father had deserted them after the birth of the fourth, and one day
their mother -
before lapsing into a catatonic state - drove them somewhere and abandoned them. In order to not be split up into foster families, they set out for a harrowing journey, which eventually leads them to their grandmother of whose existence they hadn't even known. The grandmother is extremely hostile and intends to allow them to stay just for a day. She had been a victim to her late husband, to the extent, that she had evicted her pregnant daughter: "'You can come back, when you are married', I said, because I thought, that this was what he wanted to hear, but it was me, who said it". Her daughter, the mother of the four responded: "I shall never marry." believing that being married meant for the wife to be docile and self-denying. After the death of her husband the victim had become a victimizer herself, mean and hostile. What gradually melted her heart, was the independence and strongmindedness of the four siblings. When the eldest defied grandma's order, that the youngest should go without supper as a punishment, I skipped a heartbeat - regressing into the victim-role I had played most of my life. I was sure, the wicked woman would throw them out. But the opposite happened. At first, the grandmother became mad, yes, but when she finally agreed to provide them a HOME, it was, because her grandchildren could stand up to her, which made her trust herself, that she would not play the victim-victimizer game all over again. |
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Why did I only think of black children as dying from famine
and disease?
In Israel the main reason for parentless children are broken families!!
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When I came this far in sculpting the foster-grandmother
craziness, PIETA So seh ich, Jesus, deine Fuesse
wieder, So seh ich
deine niegeliebten Glieder Doch, siehe,
deine Haende sind zerrissen-: Nun bist
du muede, und dein mueder Mund |
