pp16b

How strange, that this law,
'reality reflects judgments',
which dominates our lives,
has been waiting till today,
for its exemplification here.

I was so happy with the joy and triggerlessness
in the company of Rotem and the four little ones.
But when Rotem had gone home
and the quartet had all fallen asleep on the broad mattress,
I discovered that my precious little glass angel was broken
and the screen of the computer was dead.
I knew, only Itamar could have done this,
and I was more than furious.
I hated him.

I hated him for not having told me,
and I immediately saw him as a dishonest child altogether.
This is the kid that until recently was closest to my heart.

"He's becoming four, and four is a terrible age", said R.
"I hated the 3 older children, when they were this age."

"Yes", I said, "I remember that the very word hatred
became feelable for me, when I.'s son Alon was four."

But freezing Itamar into an image
is not what is helpful for me,
and definitely not for him.
I am judging him heavily,
and the reflection will hit me.
Please help me to unfreeze him.

But first:
Good things came out of this fury,
I dragged It.'s father here to make the screen work.
While doing so, he discerned two bugs in my system.
He put it right, and my work on this site is now easier.

Another good thing was my long talk with my daughter.
When she came to take her 2 kids to school from here,
I begged her to continue the work I had started with It.
I tried to make him take responsibility for what he did,
and to 'comfort' me and say, Grandma I'm very sorry.

Seeing that I needed help, she came right back.

"Can't you be less rigid and more compassionate
when you see children and 80% of the grownups
being afraid to stand up to what they have done?
You can do both
take care of your need that people be honest with you,
and in the background have compassion for their fear."

"It's not the first time that I encounter this rigidity",
I said meekly.
"Last year I worked on it for a whole month,
following a huge, protracted trigger~~~~ "

I release the judgment
that it's a vital need for me
that people be honest with me.

I permit people to be afraid of hurting me
and because of this fear,
to be dishonest
or give me double messages.

I also permit people who are afraid of not keeping a promise
or of displeasing me otherwise,
to communicate this in an aggressive and insensitive way
or even to not communicate it at all.

But it seems, that I didn't touch the source
of my unrelenting judging in cases like Itamar's.
I remember myself declaring in front of a schoolmate,
after a greatly admired girl had lied to the teacher:
"I can forgive everything that a person does,
provided she stands up to it, when blamed."
I was 13 then.

One of the stories I told Ronnit about my courage
happened a year earlier.
During a summer-camp in a monastery
we had to sleep for 2 hours in the afternoon.
None of the girls slept, everyone was busy and some were noisy.
When the nun entered the large room with 20 beds,
she started at the opposite end - with me.
I had been drawing the landscape outside my window,
but had installed myself in a fashion,
that I could quickly hide my paper and pencil under my cushion.
Still, when she faced me and asked, if I had done something,
I lifted the cushion,
and earned the usual slap in the face.

A moral value is a judgment, isn't it?
Maybe, I made this judgment,
"I can forgive anything but cowardice",
because that was the only way
I could survive and make sense
of the most cruel punishment
I received at a very early age,
when I did the kind of thing It. did?

"You realize, that right now
you're attracting a little hail of triggers,
so you can do some thorough work.
Just watch,
don't expect, don't project,
just watch.
Just feel totally. No judgments. No doing."

Dear Mother and Spirit in my Body-Heart
You hit me with this awakening in the moment of waking up:
My grandson's hiding his "sin",
the damage to the glass angel and the computer screen,
is as old as Adam's and Eve's and Cain's hiding from God,
and is another aspect of this octopus I call "transparency".

The story of man's and woman's eviction from paradise,
quoted even by Spirit in Godchannel, has several levels.
In this context I'm referring to the surface of the story.

Adam and Eve had done something,
that made them feel guilty and afraid.
"And they heard the voice of YHWH God
walking in the garden to the day's wind,
and the adam and his wife
hid from YHWH God
amongst the trees of the garden."

God first calls the man
and asks the famous one-word question:
"ayaekka?
Where Are You?"

The man's answer is pathetic:
"Your voice I heard in the garden!
I was afraid.
For naked am I.
So I hid."

He didn't realize that by telling about his nakedness,
he had admitted his deed.
"who told you that you are naked?
Have you eaten of the tree?"
[the tree of differentiation between good and evil,
i.e. the tree of consciousness]

The answer to this one is even poorer:
"The woman whom you gave with me,
she gave me of the tree, and I ate."

To my regret, the woman, when asked,
does not save humankind's honor:
"ma-zot 'aseet?
What is it you did?"
And the woman said:
"The serpent beguiled me and I ate."
[Gen.3]

Whenever I worked on this story with my pupils,
I never tried to hide my really emotional disgust,
that neither man nor woman stood up to their deed.
"You are free to choose", I preached.
"The story is about choosing choice.
But once you have chosen,
take responsibility!
stand up to yourself."

If at least the men in history,
whose belief-systems and lives were dictated by this story
had acknowledged,
that yes it was the woman who had initiated choosing choice,
and the man should be ashamed of having succumbed to her.
But the contrary happened.
She was blamed for having lured the man into disaster.

The Biblical story, so minimal in its means,
finds it necessary to tell a second time,
how man is not able to stand up to himself.

Unlike the deed of Adam and Eve,
Cain's murder is definitely "evil"
nevermind the justifying reason.
His denial is more understandable.
The question is phrased in the same way as the one to the adam:
"aee Hevel akhika?"
Where is Hevel your brother?"
As if God who was the reason for Cain's being smashed in his self-esteem,
but who also communicated with him, thus externalizing Cain's inner drama,
didn't know the answer.
It's the judgment against self, projected on God.
Cain's answer is not only playing dumb (like the first answer of the man)
or blaming someone else (like the man's second answer, as well as the woman's),
but downright hostile and sarcastic:
"I know not.
Am I my brother's keeper?"
[Gen.4]

Even now (2002/01/20) I cannot refrain from judging.

2002/01/18-20 Second Part

Right after Ronnit had gone, my neighbor knocked:
"Esther asked me to give you the rest of the money!"
"She has no guts",
I said with disgust.
"We had agreed, that she would bring the money herself,
so that then we could shake hands." (pp34, 2002/01/02-04)

It was to point out, Spirit-Mother, wasn't it,
that if I want to advance in the healing process,
I now must address my main and declared value:
The judgment against children and grownups
'WHO DON'T HAVE GUTS'.

And I can only release these judments against others,
if I release my own judgment, my belief, my value
that "no matter what the circumstances
I have to stand up to what I did."

"Look first at another experience,
that might point out an aspect
of standing up to what you did,
of which you've never thought."

Mother-Spirit are referring to my sad cat experience.
Samson, a giant Persian male cat, came with the flat.
The cat couldn't forgive and forget his former owners
and started to pee on all mattresses, blankets, carpets.
The stench didn't leave even after vigorous washing.

For 6 months I coped and pleaded with Samson
with superhuman patience and resourcefulness.
I shared this in a long e-mail with my landlords.
Their only advice was, to put an ad at the vet's.
This was silly, for who would adopt such a cat.
And HIDING (!) THE PEEING would cause
a new owner to bring the cat right back to me.

Finally I utilized a particularly triggering event
to pack Samson in his travelling cage
together with all his posh equipment,
new bags of food, sand for his toilet,
and detailed instructions in writing
and strolled , loaden like a donkey,
avoiding thus to have to go twice
and, maybe, regretting my action,
to a pet shop, when it was dark.
I piled everything next to Samson,
neatly, sadly in front of the shop.

With a heavy heart I went home.
I called my children one by one.
I begged them to think of Samson
so he would find a good new home.

I knew, how terrible this would be for my landlords abroad,
who were not allowed to bring a pet into the student hostel.
But I had no doubt, that I owed them the end of the story.
I attached some beautiful photos of Samson to my e-mail.

No answer for eleven days.
I felt both, uneasy and hurt.
Hadn't I done the ultimate?
I wrote: Re: a human being
I need any kind of response!

But way back I judged my future mother-in-law heavily,
and so did the professor who told her, assuming she knew,
that I was pregnant with the child of her married son.

"What did she say?" he said, stunned.
'Was ich nicht weiss, macht mich nicht heiss?'
[a proverb; 'what I don't know, doesn't make me hot']
"This is impossible.
She has to take responsibility."

This transparency dilemma makes me mad.
The mother of my granddaughter's friend
died of cancer.
Only her husband knew.
Not until the last day did the children see.
EL judged her without pity.And so did we.
Despite her and her husband's good intent.

It now comes to my mind,
that transparency is not only about telling,
it's also about asking.

When I was little, there were no books.
And of course, no radio, no TV, nothing.
One day I was given a shabby booklet:
"Parzifal".
What a feast!

I devoured it in the strangest of situations:
It was in 1947-8 or so.
People had a hard time to get coals for heating..
One day the gas works were said to sell "koks".
My mother sent me to stand in line before dawn.

Since no line of worn-out people had yet been formed,
and I was ashamed to be discerned as such a little girl,
I hid under some winter bushes, with my hidden treasure.
It's there where I fled into the world of the shining knights.

I didn't know then, that it was a children's version
of a great Medieval Epic poem and also an opera.

I never read a book unless there was a message.
that helped me to understand and live my life.
Parzifal's message grew and grew in me,
until I got the chance 5 or 6 years later,
to see Wagner's "Parsifal" and "Lohengrin".
I was perplex to see
that the message of Lohengrin
seems to contradict the one of Parzifal.

Wag-
ner's

ver-
sion

of
Parzi-
fal

in his
opera
Parsi-
fal

Bay-
reuth

The innocent fool is meant to become the new king of the Graal [grail].
The present king Amfortas suffers from a wound that will not heal.
Parzifal's heart churns when he sees the aching man.
His heart tells him to approach him and ask him about his pain.
But his mind reminds him of a teaching he had picked up:
"Never ask private questions".

Parzifal misses his vocation.
He is evicted with disgrace.

He has to wander the world for another ten years.
Until he learns to follow his heart.

When meeting his suffering fellow human this time,
he asks the question of compassion and caring.
And he becomes the king of the Graal.

In May 2001 I climbed Montsegur,
one of the castles in the Pyrenees
identified with the legendary Graal,
for the seventh and last time.

This time I wanted to reach it as a pilgrim on foot,
on the "Road of the good Men" [the Cathars]
from another such castle,
which I found by accident,
180 km further South, in Spain.
It is called Queralt.
In the local pronounciation
this sounds like Graal.

I lost my way in the snow
and did not refind it for 42 hours~
Lost, forlorn, lonely, and so cold
with my face to death every step.
Verily - in the footsteps of Parzival.

"Lohengrin" struck me with the opposite message.
A knight in shining armor comes on a boat drawn by a swan
to save a noble woman, Elsa, from her enemies.

He betroths himself to her on condition
that she never ask his name or origin.
"Nie sollst du mich befragen",
"You must never ask me".

Alone in the bridal chamber,
Elsa and her husband express their love
until anxiety and uncertainty
at last compel the bride to ask the groom
who he is and whence he has come.

He reveals that he is Parsifal's son, a knight from the Holy Graal,
who is allowed to dwell among people only in disguise, HIDDEN.
Elsa had missed her destiny.
Lohengrin disappears and she dies.

I decided then, at the age of 15,
that when in doubt
if to ask or not to ask "private questions"
out of caring for a suffering human,
I would follow Parzifal.
I'd rather bear the consequences of erring by asking,
than the consequences of erring by not asking.
And I fared well with this decision.

In some cultures the worst you can do,
is to ask "private questions".
The head of this country's "Scientology"
said, when asked, what people learn there:
"You learn, for instance, how to answer a private question,
so that the questioner feels satisfied, without you having given away anything."
But Babylon defines them as a cult which wants to bring about "emotional release"~

Again, I'm not judging the need for hiding,
but the lack of integrity, of consciousness
in seeing and admitting,
that "privacy" is the need to hide,
hiding is necessary to protect vulnerability,
vulnerability indicates unmoved emotions
that scream to be triggered,
so they can move.

I'm shifting again towards justifying
my value of transparency,
which is connected to my value of integrity,
which is connected to my value of courage,
and which is connected to my value of caring.

Is it,
that like "Parzifal" was balanced by "Lohingrin",
transparency has to be balanced by compassion?

But Parzifal followed his compassion,
when he acted on transparency!

Still, one thing I haven't done yet.
I haven't analyzed the experiences
that made me make this jugdment:
if you want to survive,
always stand up to what you did.

The first I already told in a pp (?):
I was 2 1/2 and sneaking around the flat:
"i sag's net, i sag's net!" (I won't say it)
which in this context sounds like:
"I won't be transparent, I won't!"

Pressured, I opened the baking oven,
where I had hidden a toy I'd broken.
How terribly must I have been beaten,
that such fear could make me do both:
a) hide what I had broken
b) admit what I had broken and hidden.

This story was written down by my mother.
I myself don't have a memory of being beaten,
My first 5 years were pushed into oblivion.

But I remember my decision at six,
that I would not utter a single sound,
in case my mother would beat me,
maybe she'd be frustrated and stop.
I was quite correct in this theory.
Unlike my younger sister and brother,
who were beaten with the fire poker,
I was only slapped in the face.

Only that her constant raging blame
turned out to be worse than beating.

I was 7, second grade, second bench.
My sister, 6, first grade, first bench.
A girl, 3rd grade, 3rd bench, talked.
Alas - I unwittingly turned my head.

"Who did talk", screamed the teacher.
No answer.
"It was you!" he dragged me out of the bench.
"No!" He poked his finger almost into my face.
"It was you!"
"No!"
"It was you!"
"No!"
After he had blamed me a dozen times,
I felt I could not win and said: "Yes!"
A sharp slap in the face and it was over.
Or so I thought.

When I came home,
my mother "received" me at the door,
pulled me inside in utmost fury,
and kicked me so violently with her foot,
that I fell against the hot baking oven.
"I'll show you, what it means to lie!"

Later that day my mother had the idea
to ask me, what had happened.
She even believed me.
Now came the worst of all.
She demanded that I go to the teacher's house
and convince him that I had said "Yes" out of fear.

I already told, how sickly shy I was as a child.
I passed up and down the teacher's house,
until I got a grip on myself and knocked.
He heard me, but it was obvious,
that he did not believe me.
I crawled home like a beaten dog.

Probable subconsious conclusion:
I got beaten when I said the truth
and I got beaten when I said a lie.
I decided to always say the truth.
For I'd rather be beaten for the truth than for a lie.

I still need more help in getting this transparency thing right.
The stories I told in "Reality Reflects Judgments"
showed that compassion
- as the touching stone for any decision in my life -
sometimes calls for transparency and sometimes calls for the opposite,
for which I couldn't find a term.
...
Compassion is the touching stone, period.

But this is a very foggy, fuzzy word.
It could justify any behavior, including any crime.

"Yes, but that's the challenge.
Transparency is clear-cut,
you either see through someone or you don't.
But opacity, like darkness, like night
protects the germ in the earth
and the embryo in the womb
and also the planning of the "Final Solution" by the Nazis.

"It cannot be made easier for you, for us in you.
We in you have to figure out in any specific situation,
if compassion asks for transparency or for protection,
and if for protection,
where is the border
between succumbing to unhealed emotions
and providing the protection of the earth or the womb
because Right Time for being birthed
into the duality of day/night - transparency/opacity
has not yet come.

"It is the same for our communication with you.
You have always wondered,
why we limited our information in the Holy Books.
Well we did so, partly because of our own level of evolution,
but partly,
because compassion
asked for this level and form of communication.
You have always striven to improve communication.
You have judged the Biblical prophets
for confusing between their message from God
and their pain and anger concerning their people.

"Still, even now you constantly endeavor
to tune your communication
According to what compassion tells you.
Compassion not as coming from "identification with the sufferers",
[title of my PH.D. thesis]
but as coming from balancing Spirit and Will in your Heart
from situation to situation.

"You'll have a new opportunity to practice this balance
in your second meeting with R.'s Learning Community."

I have one hour before this test will start.
This time the lesson takes place in R.'s house,
which is It.'s home.
I've made my inner and outer peace with It.,
when R. invited me for the festive dinner 3 days ago
and - in uniting the two candles to one flame -
I let go of my judgment against him
and united my heart with his heart.

Thank you, little grandson, for this great finale
of my lesson about
TRANSPARENCY AND COMPASSION

Another lesson in compassion
with another grandson
was already much easier.
(pp29, 2002/01/25)
And right now I got this gift:

COM-
PASSION

a gift to
Healing-
K.I.S.S.
on
02/01/26

given
by the
author

Mont-
serrat
Moreta

from a series of
paintings
influenced
by RUOW
II and III
"Original
Cause"