pp44

Monica, an angel, is stripped of her angel powers to help a proud, homeless man, Pete.
Monica realizes that she has stood in judgment on homeless people.

(quotes I transcribed from the video-clip on that page)

Monica - with tears:
Father, why have you forsaken me,
what did I do wrong,
why are you punishing me.
Why have you taken away, who I am, what I am,
I don't even feel like an angel anymore.

Tess, another angel, appears.
" You don't even have to be an angel to give that man what he needs right now...
Maybe now you know
how it feels to be forgotten,
to be stripped of everything you think makes you you. ...
What did you ask him just now.
Did you ask him for food, did you ask him to make you warmer?

Monica:
I asked to be remembered.
I needed to know that I still mattered.

Tess:
"And so thus he.
You've been acting like a case-worker and treating him like he's a case.
he is a man and he needs to know,
that he still can make a difference,
and you've got to let him.

Monica:
How!

Tess:
First by realizing this is not a punishment,
this is your lesson in pride .
[I, Maryam, would call it:
a lesson in releasing judgments,
a lesson in accepting myself, and therefore others.]

Monica:
I feel so ashamed.

Tess:
Shame just brings you down, true humility uplifts you higher

Monica to Pete:
Pete I need to ask a favour from you,
I just need you to listen to me for a moment, please, please...
I must apologize to you, ...
there were a few things I needed to learn about being an angel.
Please, There is something I need to do, I want to do,
it's what I need to do to remember who I am,

[Pete agrees that she washes his wounded, repulsive feet.]

Monica:
I don't know why these things have happened to you,
it's not because of anything you've done.
I have to confess, that, you see
there was somewhere deep inside my heart that I thought,
maybe - maybe - you had done something to get here.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me, it matters.

Pete:
I forgive you.

Monica:
God loves you, Peter Jacob Taylor,
I've failed you, but he'll not....
he will walk with you all the way to ...
But it's up to you to take the first step.

A time where a war is being justified
in the name of correction, punishment
and "bringing to justice",
is a reminder of my own perpetrations.

For that's what it is, as I am learning :
Trying to cope with feeling victimized,
by attempting to correct my victimizer
means that I myself - am - victimizing.

"I reasoned that since the Mother was 'wrong',
she needed correction.
And since she didn't seem capable of correcting herself,
I would need to do it.
I immediately felt uneasy about it,
but since it was so obviously necessary ~
I denied the love of our Heart
that asked me to not do this,
and took the uneasiness to mean
that I would have to be much more forceful
than I was at first,
or else she might not 'get' it.
She might not become corrected.
I also reasoned that if she had the ability to correct herself,
she would have already done so ~
especially since I had clearly pointed out her 'faults'
when I'd first confronted her.

"Since she was perfectly happy to remain ignorant of her faults,
I also reasoned
that she would need to be 'shown'
how she was in fact wrong.
I reasoned
that this would be a necessary first step in her correction.
I was hopeful
that would be all I'd need to do on my side,
just show her
that she could not blame me for her own unrightness,
lie to me,
or withdraw from me
when I did not wish her to.
I hoped that she would then be able
to make the necessary changes in herself
to correct these faults,
become 'right',
and therefore come back into alignment and agreement with me."

I had just come across the slideshow
about the amputees of the Civil War in Sierra Leone
and inserted two pictures in pp42,
when I read this passage:

Mother:
"Each of you [Spirit and Lucifer] fearfully grappling for a piece of me
to soothe your wounded hearts.
A malicious feeding frenzy of agony.
You raped the Mother.
This torrent of rage and pain
spawned the birth of fury
that would wage war on the Goddess incarnate on Earth.
Seeking her out, ruthlessly, maliciously,
painfully needing to destroy her and all she represented.
Cutting off her hands
so she could not channel her own essence
from her Earth body
to nurture those who lived above.

"This is what you did isn't it?
Isn't it???
And I've only just begun to remember."

Spirit:
"Yes, this is what I did.
In my hurt and anger I did it to you
to punish you, to teach you a lesson."

My mind does not understand what is said here.
Maybe another mother whose hands were cut off,
will teach my unconscious until I'm ready.

Spirit says, there is no justification,
to correct or punish someone
"for their own good".

I checked myself, if the story, I still haven't told,
about my own double experience with correcting
had this motive underneath my trying to correct.

I finished (?) learning this lesson already a year ago:
"don't trigger each other intentionally,
give each other a break",
says Spirit somewhere,
which means that I let go
of any responsibility
for another person's growth,
be it a child, even my own,
or a grownup, even my lover.
No education! No correction!

But, and this is a grand BUT,
What about my own needs?
What if the other person denies or overrides me?

Wasn't Spirit denied and rejected by the Mother,
According to the Godchannel myth?

"...in backing away from me as she had
I felt victimized ...,
when actually she was the one who was victimized ~
by my enraged confrontation of her..."

Even if it was himself,
who had caused her to reject him,
does this mean he must agree to being rejected?

I've coped with this problem over and over again.
For a whole month I trained myself
in "not pushing the Mother",
i.e. in not demanding from the Will in people,
to be considerate of my feelings.

The dilemma of love:
when to be a womb for the beloved to grow in,
or
when to be a wall for the beloved to grow against.

A womb is a space
where there is only darkness, no light.
If there is no polarity, there is no choice,
if there is no choice, there is no responsibility,
if there is no responsibility, there is no judgment.
Taking a person into my womb,
means I totally accept this person.

But at other times
total acceptance of a person
would mean that I deny myself.
My needs and desires are a wall,
which give the other person two options:
to get away from me, if s/he's not dependent on me,
or to turn my wall into a challenge and a chance
to balance him/herself and to grow.

When does my wall challenge the beloved ?
When does it trigger him/her too much,
and I loose everything I've gained?

This is the point where I might be able
to tell the devastation of 2 relationships
because - for my own need -
I tried "to correct".

In both cases, my way of correcting was
to imitate the way
the two actresses were raging at me
time and again,
in language and gestures.

The first actress in my script
was a woman of 48,
as important in my life as
the second : a child of 10,
my granddaughter.

Imitating was not a spontaneous reaction,
but a well calculated method of correction.

But it Accomplished the opposite:
if anything, the self-hatred grew
and so did its projection on me.

I could forgive myself for having tried - the first time.
But after the "method" had back-fired so badly in 1997,
why did I repeat the attempt with my grandchild in 1998?
"Do you know what you are doing?!"
Screamed my son, when he saw me staging the imitation.
"Yes", I said, sure of myself, because she was a child.

For 3 years this child punished me, humiliated me, denied my very existence.
And that woman, who until then had loved me just as much as she hated me,
settled for the hatred, after I had imitated her behavior, - - - for ever.

What I'm confused about is:
if no one needs correction,
how am I to stop victimization?
My own or that of a fellow human?

For it doesn't matter,
if I am the "objective" cause of the other's behavior
like in the case of Spirit and the Mother, as he claims,
or if I'm the trigger or convenient target for projection.
In either case I feel
that the other's behavior is victimizing and denying me.

I learnt, that his/her denial of me
is reflecting a self-denial,
even if I cannot yet discern, which.
But am I to let the reflector go on with his victimization?

If I can leave the relationship, there is a solution.
And leaving is possible even with concern to a spouse:
(see: Should I leave my husband for my own Healing?
God's answer: stay, but if he abuses you, go!)

But if there is a "Loving Dependency" between us,
like between parents and children and between siblings,
what should I do?

You will not speak.
You will only listen.
You will listen to her story.
She must speak to be removed from victimhood.
You must listen to validate her pain.
She will speak until she has nothing more to say.
And you will listen until she tells you she is finished.

And if the Mother in my victimizers refuses to be listened to,
refuses to tell her story, to pour out her pain,
then there is the rule of "Following the Mother's Lead":

"Honor her.
Feel her courage.
Feel her pain.
Tread lightly.
Stay where you are.
DO NOT approach the Mother.
She is not ready for you.
She will be the one to open the door
when you have demonstrated your intent...

For now, she is content to sit and stare at you.
Don't move.
Just be still.
Don't speak.
Just be silent.
Just ~ be."

But what, if "she" is not staring at me,
but goes on victimizing and denying me?

"The secret to sure and certain asura removal is
to 'catch' one ~
own it as your own,
even though the other person is for sure to blame ~
and then send it up to me.
Any way you do it is fine, and will work ~
but there are some concrete suggestions
for how to do this in the material on the True Sacrifice page...

"Imagine that you are a parent with a small child
who stamps his foot and sends an asura-laden shot of energy at you ~
screaming, "I hate you!"
Imagine feeling the impact of this energy in your heart.
Perhaps you would not be able
to quickly find your love for the child's hatred ~
but if you processed this experience,
you would eventually find love for him in his hatred.

"You cannot love hatred as such,
because love and hatred are opposites,
like acceptance and denial.
But you can love the essence that hates,
and that is what matters.
If there is no asura present,
your love for the child,
or for the part of you that is hating
will eventually absorb the hatred in them.

"This is the secret
of loving Light replacing bad light
in the trapped and lost Will."

Fine! Let's assume,
my spirit is redeemed and whole,
which means my Light is "loving",
and will "absorb" and "replace"
what causes the other to victimize me.

But all these advices of Spirit and the Mother
do not pertain to the main suffering in my life:

I have done this so extensively myself,
especially in my 20 years of marriage,
and I just come from driving backward
into the biggest lesson of this marriage,
that I go crazy when I need to witness
other people's "Beat-Me" invitations.

The Victim-Players in my present life
are especially the men in my family.
How can I NOT correct them?
Here are two of yesterday's examples:

Before baby-sitting at my daughter's,
I had supper with her and the kids.
U. was serving us, not taking part.
J.(10) left raging, when his father put a piece of toast on his plate.
He was promised, that he could eat later, alone.
Ro. (8) was grumpy and sat at a different table,
while U. danced around her: "Do you want this or that or that?"
giving her chances to kick him in his face with a reviling growl.
My daughter screamed at him, using words like: "Idiot".
She apologized, but soon after screamed at him again.

I flinch when she does that,
and she hates herself for it.
Why does U. tolerate this?
Why doesn't he limit her?

J. and Ro. can be abusive towards everyone, not only U.
But U.'s "beat-me" attitude, of which he is totally unaware,
perverted even the behavior of gentle Y.(5) and It.(3 3/4).
The interactions were so disgusting, I could hardly bear it.

When the parents had left, Y. and It. changed completely.
And it's not because I educated or drilled them.
But I do make clear, how I NEED them to relate to me.
Even Ro. came after a while, asking sweetly:
"Can I please have a cup of tea?"
and correcting herself:
"Can you please make me a cup of tea?"
- remembering, that I want her to relate!

"The word 'please' is not important to me", I tell them,
what's important is, that you turn to Me
when it's Me you think can give you what you want."

She even enjoys correcting her siblings.
When they say: "I want water", she says:
"So what, if you want, want, want it.
You can keep wanting forever.
From whom do you ask water?
Say: 'Grandma, give me water, please!'

When I helped Y. to brush her teeth,
I begged: "Please promise me,
to never behave like this towards your father again,
even if you father makes himself your slave."

She promised, but to what avail.
If her father will play the slave,
she will become the slave-driver.

Contrary to what Spirit said,
that the victim could never heal her victimhood
without first experiencing
an end to the perpetration.
I've observed and experienced in myself and in others,
ever since I learnt the Theory of Oppression ,
that the victim acts, the victimizer re-acts.
I can see it with my two grandsons, same age and friends.
Towards J. I tend to play the a victim.
Towards Al. I tend to play the victimizer.

Once all children were in bed, I kept thinking:
"No one needs correction?"
Should I just let U. continue with his victimhood?
If I did, I would deny myself severely.
After all, U. is just a representative of humankind.
I can just as well leave not only him but the planet,
if I'm not allowed to protest and to try to correct.

When they came home after midnight, I sat them down.
I knew, that this would cause resentment
especially because of the late hour.
But I needed to ride the momentum of my agitation
in order to dare to come forward with my warning.

"It's about your self-victimizing attitude, U."
I started and told everything I'd witnessed.
I ended with a plea:
"Don't increase the evil on earth, please!"

I. today: "U. wants to meet me."
I am glad, I am not alone in this.
I. is good in training people
to get out of the victim-role.

But he also plays the victim himself.
E. called soon after, in shock about
his new display of self-victimization
towards his exasperating ex-wife~

"No prisoner frees himself from prison."
is a 2000 year old saying in our tradition.
We can only help to free others,
and ask others to help us free ourselves.

I felt guilty, of course,
or to be more correct,
I was scared.
Had I alienated U. from me
even more than he was?

For three days
I let myself feel the fear.
I let Body move the fear.
Until there was a pretext to leave them a message:

"M/Ra go to stay with I/E for the weekend.
It's there weddingday. The kids come here.
I invite your little ones to stay with me too.
By the way: are you avoiding me?
It's my fear that's suspecting you."

R.: "We were not angry with you."
U.: "I'm not angry, and I'm not arguing
with the truth behind your words."

I could relax, but I feel,
I have more doubts about
No one needs correction
than I had when I started
with this puzzle-piece.