pp10b How God started to feel
and to deny

2001_10_10; last update: 2003_06_16

Maryam, 2001/10/10

This date is perfect for quoting God's story
about his chaos of 'good' and 'bad' feelings
 and - to make it more complicated: desires.

Healing Class:
The Quest for the Mother
Before Time Began

"This class begins with a story
about what happened in the very beginning.
As I have said, I am evolving,
as is all of my Creation.
Because I am evolving,
I am more aware now than I was when I started.

"At first I was not even aware of myself as a being,
or of the fact that I was creating anything.
Later, even as I began to realize more of who I am,
I was still not aware that the 'medium'
into which I poured my Light
was a living, feeling being.

"I didn't realize the space
that was holding me and 'my' creation
was being opened for me,
and I had no idea that the one
who was opening the space for Creation
was the one for whom it was being created.
I now know that what I had initially thought
was a void
is actually the point of my existence,
my one true love, my right mate,
the The Mother of Creation.

"As I became more aware,
I began to realize
there was something other than me,
but I didn't know what.
I was very involved inside of myself at the time,
I was discovering my existence and identity
in a field of oceanic bliss.

The Mother is Attacked

"The realization
that there was something else besides me
came as messages in the form of disquieting feelings
something like wiggles in my Light.
I felt these messages to be a distraction and a nuisance,
as you might find a buzzing mosquito or a body itch.
I instinctively sent out sharper than usual light
in an absent-minded hope
of stopping the distractions by destroying them,
just as you might use your hand
to swat a mosquito or your fingernail to scratch an itch.

"Since I did not even know of her existence,
I could not realize that this sharp energy of mine
was being perceived as attacks by the Mother.
She was moving only
because she wanted to get my attention
and let me know of her presence.
She felt I would be happy to know she was there,
as she opened to me in love.
But instead of receiving love in return,
she was shocked and hurt
by my violent response to her movements,
and she became afraid of me and my Light.

"Of course I didn't know any of this at the time.
When the 'distractions' stopped,
I went back to the bliss deep inside of myself
and forgot about the whole thing.
The Mother had input for me about our relationship
and the nature of Creation,
but I was oblivious to her existence.

"Our first contact was in the form of a fight from my side,
and of a rape from hers. "

The Mother is Damaged

"The Mother's essence is magnetic,
it draws light to her.
Once light has entered her field,
she must hold it.
It cannot move out of her
unless other light comes to replace it.
The first light she received from me
was hostile light
that created very deep imprints in her essence.
Some of the stronger blows
even damaged her essence
and caused it to fragment.

"In all the eons of existence,
these imprints have never been healed.
My Light of love and acceptance
has never reached the places in the Mother
that were first hurt by my initial hostility toward her.

"Although they have been very deeply buried,
these original imprints have influenced every interaction
she and I have ever had
and they are still active,
the root cause
of all the suffering
you see and experience
on Earth.

"My purpose here is two-fold.
I'm here to help you awaken
to your true identity
as All That Is,
and of course this is very important.
More important however,
is my quest
to find and help heal the parts of the Mother
that were damaged in our original contact
and deeply hurt again in later reenactments of that tragedy."

Maryam, 2002/02/24

A German lecture about Diaries in 3SAT and in it
-some quoted entries in the time of Nazi Germany
caused me to hang my head.
The old evil in my existence,
the dire wish to not exist,
 taunts my present zest.

The pain in my lower back,
into which Body regressed
during days of slight influenza,
now strikes with full power,
and my breathing gets stuck.

When I dragged myself to my work on this site, I read
"Grandfather"s memories of "How we've gotten here"

"My attention moved away from memory and what was inside of me ~
to the outside, to what had awakened me ~
my one and only Love, my Desire ~
the being you and I both know as the Mother.

"She was as surprised to find me as I was her.
She told me she had a dream much like mine,
and she seemed just as happy as me to 'forget' that.

"I didn't know it then, but I know now
that
deciding to forget was
where we gave birth to denial.
We made it an institution,
and looking back I can see
we did not have the strength
or maturity of experience in manifestation
to do it any differently.

What they wanted to forget and DID forget,
was the extreme pain of the fission of Original Heart,
which in this channeling is described like that:

"It is difficult to communicate in words
the intensity and depth of the shock and outrage
that was felt all throughout the Will of Original Heart
when my Light revved up so much
that it blew us apart from each other, and blew her to fragments.

"There had never in all eternity been even a small amount of displeasure,
and pain was completely unknown to us
except as an abstract experience that could be only imagined, but never felt.

"Then suddenly, without any way to know what it would be like,
we experienced the first and most intense pain, shock and horror possible.
But the horror didn't stop, nor did the pain.
And the shock is still present everywhere.
In one instant we went from the most blissfully happy and rapturous Love
in our eternal union of and as Original Heart ~
to the worst possible nightmare of
pain, suffering, loss, remorse and eternal damnation.

"Most of the Original Mother went so far out into what has become manifestation ~
that she completely lost my Light.
My experience of this was watching everything
that had ever meant anything to me,
and the parts of myself I loved the best ~ fading away into oblivion.
...

"I knew something very bad, very 'wrong' had happened,
but I didn't know what it was, really ~
and I had no idea of the extent of my loss.
That would have to come over time, much time.
There wasn't anything to do about it, or so it seemed to me then.
With that thought I lost continuity of Self, I lost consciousness.

"When I awoke, it was with a start.
I hadn't realized that I was anything or that I had existence,
but soon I became aware of the presence another being.

"In a flash I remembered the union we had,
and I awoke fully in the joy and rapture of realizing
that I had just had a bad dream."

But it wasn't a dream. It happened.
And what happened, wasn't wrong.
the split was intended and necessary.

So what IS wrong?
That we still want to forget and deny,
though now we do have the strength
and maturity of experience
which we - as manifestations of Deity - had
to do it differently.

"We had selective memory.
We remembered the blissful love of our union.
We remembered the perfection that we had, and that we were.
Our love of ourselves as Original Heart was also our love of perfection.
We were perfect, and we knew it.
At least we knew it as long as we were able
to forget the nightmare of pain and anguish,
and the horror we felt in knowing what was lost there.

"In our awakening [to consciousness],
we put the nightmare behind us,
and therefore denied not only the suffering
of all the parts of the Mother that had gone beyond my Light,
but her very existence.
And what we had denied there ~
was almost all of her.

" That was what perfection demanded of us at the time,
we didn't know
we were running on the second deepest imprint in or out of existence,
we felt we must become perfect
and have everything in our Creation in a perfect condition.
But that was then.
I now know perfection for what it truly is,
a mad obsession."

When I now wanted to choose an image for this pp,
what chose itself, was
the "Ecce Homo" by Hieronimus Bosch.
"idou ! ho-anthropos!"
"See there! a human being",
said Pilate, the Roman governor of Palestine,
when Jesus passed by, scourged and with a crown of thorns.
[New Testament, St.John 19,5]

This scene and this sentence
forever bring up tears in me.
I sob.
For me the Ecce Homo is the symbol of the utter failure
of the so-called "Christ" [=messiah=the ointed one=the future redeemer king]
to redeem creation.
For how could he redeem from victimhood by playing victim himself?
Not only did he become a horrifying example for his closest followers,
whose highest value is self-sacrifice or being killed for the sake of their faith:
"Through Cross to Crown!"
But he became indirectly responsible
for the victimization of millions and millions of people
who were murdered in the name of revenging his blood.
The 19th century Danish Christian philosopher Soren Kierkegaard:
A person has to consider if he has the right to let himself get killed
for the sake of his ideals.

But the "Ecce Homo" is also
the hyos tou anthropos "the Son of Man" [ben-ha-adam in Hebrew],
as Jesus seems to have called himself,
who represents, exemplifies, symbolizes, demonstrates
the excruciating suffering of humankind,
which is - as Grandfather's info has it - both:
the repercussion of the original pain and horror,
and the denial of these,
which never let this pain and horror heal.
Until Now!

Maryam, 2002/03/25

When I blindly opened all the eight books, one by one,
in order to find a quote for each newly created sound button,
I discovered this example of how Spirit "gives himself away."

2002_08_29

My exterior life has become like the rhythm of the sea.
Even the storms are exciting and they soon calm down.

As my finger - clicking the camera - enters this photo,
so my "parentalness" is involved in this view of my life.

This veritable exterior idyll allows for fine-tuning in feeling.
And there the waters are as troubled as seen in a close-up

The bubbling foam is like my ever-present frustration
 about manifesting so little of what I Desire to Create.
At present this means mainly:
to sculpture my experiences,
and thus feel my life deeper,
and heal my past pain faster.

I am still a slave of time.
I accept this.

This is the introduction to the expression of a specific desire:
to sculpt for this pp my experience of 2 exceptional movies:
"The Bicentennial Man",
about a robot who learnt how to feel until he became human,
and "The Seventh Stream",
a sealkie, or a seal with human form, who learnt how to feel.
Staying on land for her meant to die,
but she'd prefer that to loosing her ability to feel.

I photographed all relevant scenes through the TV-screen
and with my walkman mic recorded all relevant dialogues,
I don't "Find the Time" to sculpture from this raw material.
The great upheaval in my Succah creation has preference.

He is a household appliance and when cleaning a messed-up attic, he sees a spider in its web. It is the first feeling the movie shows, the feeling of "how delicate and beautiful is this", followed by the second feeling: COMPASSION, which lets the robot take the spider and set it free.

and this is how he dies:

2002_10_01

Two statements in a nutshell,
that's why we are in a mess.