Next to Itai, who was downright hostile,
it was Renata, by whom I felt betrayed.

There had been such a deep bond between us,
forged in the Succah's times of trouble and woe.
In her first period of working in the Succah as a carpenter,
she wondered,
"I can't understand, why people are so triggered by you."
"Watch out", I smiled, "It may happen to you too."

During the 2 years of close cooperation
Renata alternated between her home and the Succah.
In summer 1994 she invited me to her daughter's wedding.
It may be possible that she even payed for part of the flight,
though I used the opportunity to also visit my children,
who were on a 2 year study leave in another US state.

The wedding was performed in Renata's garden.
I was given the task, usually given to a rabbi.
To make this really relevant for the couple,
I created the chance to talk with the bride.

I saw, that untruth had already crept into the relationship.
There was not anything spectacular, just little "things",
which every single lover on this planet chooses to deny.

I worked on my speech in writing.
It came out of me as if channeled.
I was scared,
but I hadn't come here all the way,
just to ornament the ceremony.
My speech was about
truth>trust>love,
or the other way round:
no love without trust,
no trust without truth.

To not talk "about" and "from above",
I exposed my own self and my own life,
as I always do, thus always triggering.
I hinted at the truth-trust-love drama
which I myself was experiencing then.

This "personalization" of my message,
and even the message itself,
was throwing Renata into an abyss of shame.
How could I have been so unsensitive?

At first, my speech seemed to have "passed" alright.
The American "Nice-to-meet-you" smile prevailed.
It was only 2 days later that Renata blurted it out.
As long as it had taken her to be triggered by me,
as violently was she triggered now.
As much as she let me, I did the work of healing.
But nothing healed.

That trip to the USA also symbolized my lekh-lekhâ.
When I came back, I did not come back to the Succah.
I lived in my bus around the hill, and interfered NOT.

But once someone important came to see the Succah.
Since I was still a partner with Gady&Efrat in the company
which we had founded to realize the overall Desert Vision,
I was supposed and agreed to take this person around.
I think, he had to do with nature compatible toilets.

From this perspective I find it significant,
that it was my Rukhaara, my Spirit-Shit-toilet,
which provided a new and terrible trigger for Renata.
When we came to the vicinity of the Star-of-David structure,
it stank to heaven.
I flushed in shame.
There I had been talking to this person about the solution
I had found after 4 years,
a solution, which is far from satisfying,
but it's a step into the right direction, I said,
and now it was me, who was put to shame.
Though I didn't see this connection until this minute.

It stank to heaven.

The hard task of gathering the dry shit,
still performed by the hosts in the Succah today,
had been neglected.

I couldn't help confronting Renata with great anger.
Among the present workers gathered around Itai,
she was the one whom I held responsible.
"If you could not cope with it, you could have told me so.
Especially since you knew, this visitor would be coming."
It was the first time, as far as I remember,
that I screamed at Renata in anger.

Later that day or week I apologized.
I urged her to express her pain.
She could not.

It was only after my return from Egypt,
that she admitted to me, how much she had been hurt.
"But why couldn't you work it out with me!"
She was silent and I started to understand,
that the humiliation she had felt from my wedding speech
was still smoldering on like a covered-up fire on the earth,
which is not visible, but which doesn't let grow anything new.

Again we thought we healed it, but her pain smoldered on.
She judged herself and denied that she had not forgiven.
Her denial could have killed me then, in May 1995.
And it was to aggravate
the "Dalai Lama Drama" in Nov. 1998.

Thus is the devastating effect of denial in Creation.



Itai was a different story,
for he had never felt at ease with my very existence.
He who had declared:
"There will be no dealing with feelings in the Succah",
was triggered by my presence on the other side of the hill.

Now Jum'aa would sit with him for hours,
and so would Waleed,
a young Bedouin from around Beersheva,
who was everyone's friend in the Succah,
and who would conduct the Sulkha in Jum'aa's tent.

On the eve of the sulkha, Itai said to me:
"I'm succumbing to Jum'aa's pressure,
but that will change nothing between us."

Still the ancient institution had its effect.
We shook hands at the Sulkha,
and Itai said: "We'll talk".
And when he came to see me in my tent abode,
which I called "King David's Harem",
he brought a beautiful piece of Indian fabric,
which hangs at present behind my double mattress.

He let me listen to all his difficulties with me.
There was a little healing, at least on my part.
And I bear no grudge against him since then.

And there was this encounter with Amitai, the ranger.

He had gone through much guilt, and even blame:
"You shouldn't have uprooted that tree yourself!"
was, what he heard from superiors and colleagues.
When I saw this in him, I felt nothing but compassion.
The more so, that I knew, he got cancer treatment.
A year later, while I was parking outside the Alpacca-farm,
at the time of my transition between the Negev and Sinai,
he followed my invitation to receive some tools,
which would help him in healing himself
There was true communication.

He got himself healed from the cancer,
only to crash to death with an aeroplane.

The background of this sculpture is chosen from a photo, Tomer made 2002-12_28, when we visited the Succah.

   Towards the appointed time of the sulkha,
we meet by chance at the turn to the location of Jum'aa's camp,
with Waleed -left- with Itai - right - and Amitai must be imagined in the ranger's car



Jum'aa (right, talking to Moshe Klein) allowed his first wife, Hamdah, to be present at the Sulkha

Jum'aa and the young men of the family bring the food cooked by the women

It so happened, that I came to sit next to Itai

                 

Waleed like Jum'aa greatly assists Itai in opening up

And so does David

And so does Efrat