I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution in
learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!! "I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
1)
E-volving, Un-folding the "SPS" resources
of the Desert
S P A C E
P U R I T Y
S I L E N C E
[as opposed to the cities' crowdedness, pollution
& noise],
will be the great CHALLENGE , which will
help Jews and Arabs
to bring about E Q U
A L I T Y in S E L F
- E S T E E M .
2)
Since 1974, my peace-work[started in 1958] has been based on:
Transforming a negative dependency into a positive
dependency.
3)
Positive dependency or" Partnership" is based on 3 conditions:
COMMON INTEREST / MUTUAL TRUST / EQUALITY in SELF-ESTEEM.
4)
After 40 years of having PRACTICALLY tested this theory ,
I know, that EQUALITY in SELF-ESTEEM can only be realized,
if the adversaries, forced into mutual dependency by destiny,
will engage in COPING TOGETHER
with a CHALLENGE
which is SO BIG , that it DWARFS the GAP in SELF-ESTEEM.
From
my letter to the dying Heide, on Nov. 24, 1980 "...Das einseitige Gutsein
war unsre Schuld!
weil wir die Spannung zwischen Gut und Boese
nicht in uns selber ausgehalten und immer wieder geloest haben,
hat sich der andre Pol in unsrer Umgebung gebildet!
Damit wir es uns leisten konnten, immer gut zu sein,
musste der andre boese sein, oder werden, oder bleiben.
Das Ende?
die Spannung loest sich entweder durch Explosion, mein FAll,
oder durch das Sich-Ausloeschens des einen Pols - Dein Fall."
Bir'am - a Memorial to Architect Heide Kloeckner-Fuessler,
1939-1981
Maryam, alias Christa-Rachel
Bat-Adam, married Rachel Rosenzweig, born Eva-Maria-Christa Guth
2002_11_27 ; last update: 2002_12_07
I am agitated and deeply moved by
a surprising e-mail
from Urs, the son of a friend who died 22 years ago.
which helps me "to
drive backward"
into one of the more painful chapters of my life,
and to "retrieve
the goodness" in my work on the Bir'am model,
in the year 1975/76.
Urs found me,
because his friend Rahel put his dead mother's name into
"Search",
and came up with my "Bir'am" page.
How often do I repeat my belief:
A goal, any goal, aim, target, has but two functions:
To motivate me to move, go, walk,
and to give me a direction to begin with.
Once I reach the next mound,
I may see a more attractive goal,
or one that is easier to reach.
And if I never reach the goal,
I am still grateful for the goal's gift, i.e. THE PATH.
Life is not in reaching the goal, but in walking THE PATH.
-
in experiencing the golden morning sun and the suffocating
heat at noon,
in enjoying the flowers and birds,
in stumbling over stones and singing a song,
and in interacting with the persons
who are with me, behind me or before me.
But without a goal, there is no PATH.
Liebe
Rahel,
vielleicht erinnerst Du Dich am mich als
kleines Kind, ich bin ein Sohn
von Heide Fuessler-Kloeckner.
Heute habe ich von meiner Freundin (die auch Rahel heisst) den Link
mit
der Seite ueber Bir-Am zugeschickt bekommen und mich ganz fest gefreut,
meine Mutter da zu finden. Was fuer eine Ueberraschung!
Ich war sechzehn, als Heide starb, glaube aber gut zu wissen, wie
wichtig ihr das Projekt in Bir-Am war.
Spaeter habe ich versucht, im Atlas das Dorf zu finden (anlaesslich
der
Ueberlegung, eine Reise nach Israel zu unternehmen, 1997). Ich habe
einen Ort mit dem Namen Bar-Am gefunden. Und diesen Sommer, in einem
Gespraech mit Shifra, der Freundin des Bruders eines guten Freundes,
die aus einem Kibbuz kommt und sich offenbar in Israel gut auskennt,
erfahre ich, dass Bir-Am eben Bar-Am sei...
Deine Doktorarbeit steht in einem Regal bei meinen Buechern, auch neben
andern Buechern aus Heides Bestaenden, in einer Wohnung in Wilmersdorf,
Berlin, wo ich heute lebe. Der Titel hat mich immer etwas abgeschreckt,
das muss ich eingestehen, und so habe ich es noch nicht gelesen.
Ich bin ganz geruehrt, durch Deine Webseite von einer weit entfernten,
weit zurueckliegenden Arbeit meiner Mutter zu erfahren. Und sehr stolz
auf sie. Ich habe den Link gleich meinen Geschwistern weitergeschickt.
Und eigentlich waer ich auch gespannt, diese Freundin meiner Mutter
kennenzulernen, die da auf dem Bild zu sehen ist. Aber meine Erinnerung
an Dich ist arg arg verschwommen, und mit dieser E-Mail moechte ich
auch gar nicht in ein fremdes Haus platzen. Wahrscheinlich ist auch
meine improvisierte Anrede nicht die treffenste... Auf jeden Fall
moechte ich ganz herzliche Gruesse, dankbar, an Dich schicken. Wohl
in irgendeinen Garten in Israel.
One such person, with whom
I walked gladly, gratefully, towards a goal we did not reach,
was the German born architect Heide Kloeckner, married to a Swiss man: Max
Fuessler.
We were classmates for 7 years, the only ones, whose fathers were killed
in Hitler's war.
Heide (bottom left)
and Christa (middle)
Christa (white) and 3
from among 21 classmates,
who are already dead: Heide and next to her Eva
died frm cancer, and Elisabeth, next to me fell fatally on her head on
her 60th birthday. Next to Eva: Dorothee, my first longterm guest in
Israel.
Last school year: Heide, as pretty as always.
Behind her Eva, next to her Ulla, all three are dead .
Next to Eva: Ika, a physician, who was such helpful company when I
gave birth to my 3rd son in Israel.
Heide - left - on a detail from a photo I made myself
on our last excursion, to Koeln , Coburg, Aachen etc.
We became close only after graduation, when she invited me to a hike in the
mountains.
She payed for train tickets and youth hostels. Bread and margarine were our
only food.
We were inexperienced in planning such a trip and could hardly cope with
the results.
I see ourselves - after a hike of 40 km mostly through boring forest - limping
silently,
not even able to communicate our depression and physical pains to each other
-
trudging along a highway at night, until someone felt pity and took us into
his car.
We reached Kolmar, where we wanted to visit Gruenewald's
Isenheim Altar.
I see ourselves trying to sleep on a floor in an empty school - exhausted,
empty.
But the altar the next day compensated for what we had gone through.
Though I don't remember us communicating verbally,
I'm sure now, that her heart felt pierced by these pictures as much as mine.
In one
of the books advertised on the Internet I found this
Description:
"Matthias Grunewald's
world-famous Isenheim Altarpiece ranks among
the most powerful expressionistic works of the Northern Renaissance.
Characterized by
great emotional force, exquisite handling of color and brilliantly
interwoven subtleties of Christian iconography,
the multi- paneled altarpiece
has remained
the object of intense scholarly interest and the main attraction
of the
Muse d'Unterlinden
in Colmar, France.
View with open Wings
Ruth Mellinkoff offers an original analysis
of the altarpiece, uncovering the late medieval popular beliefs
that underlie
its unusual visual content.
She places its rich imagery
within a tradition
of Christian art,
and stunningly, discovers Lucifer
among the angels observing the Nativity.
Heide wanted to study theology at a time,
when this was out of the question for me.
But then she studied architecture, while I replaced the
faculty of old Greek and Latin,
so irrelevant for the world's sufferings, by theology, hoping
it would be more relevant.
I don't remember when we opened up to each
other again.
Other classmates - like Dorothee and Ika - came to me to
Israel for many weeks.
Heide was not among them. So how did it come to pass,
that in 1969 on our trip to Europe with all 3 kids,
we stayed with Heide's family for 3 days?
Years later I got a clipping with
an article and photos about Heide, the architect.
She had just given birth to her fourth child,
and at the same time had finished building the school,
which her children visited or would visit.
Never in my life have I felt such torturing envy towards
a human being: "Heide has the privilege to create
things,
that can be seen and touched and lived in.
And what about me?
All I do, is in the air, not physical, not touchable, not
to be lived." It was not until 9 years after Heide's
death, that I too created something physical, "Succah
in the Desert".
After 10 months of work on my Bir'am model, one of us, or both of
us, I don't remember, had the idea,
that Heide would translate my model into an official site-plan, assisted
by a local Jewish and a local Arab architect.
She was our guest, but I believe, she even payed for the flight herself,
since I had no money for my "political" work
As I've told, in all matters, except in the very big decisions, I
made myself a victim - first to my mother, then to my husband.
And though in 1973 I had pushed through the decision "to go out to work",
I had no control over the money I earned.
I had a hard time to be allowed to make phonecalls and to sometimes get the
car. Mostly a hitchhiked for many hours.
Here was the last time I clicked "Save".
After that I worked for an hour and a half on sculpting the story
of Heide, me and Bir'am,
when the computer got totally stuck.
This happens so seldom, that it must have a meaning.
I feel, I cannot do this work a second time, not now, in any case.
Thinking sadly about the loss, I imagine Heide saying to me from
her present dimension: "It is enough.
You cannot and should not do all this Driving Backward on the Internet. I gave you two gifts:
the satisfaction, that whoever needs a sculpture on your website,
will find it,
and the chance to sculpt an experience of Driving Backward one more
time , as intensely as you do everything you do -
and then to withdraw.
You've come to understand in the last "Tomer"
weeks and especially in the last 2 "Tomer" days,
that your urge to report and sculpt in writing as much as possible
of your experiencing&understanding
must now give way to another way of living, healing and creating. We touched each other again, and so
did you and my son.
Let's part now, enriched, each towards his/her own PATH."
Yes, my friend!
I bow my head and accept.
Amen.
2012-03-05
I could not follow the advice of Heide-beyond.
On the contrary - whenever I've received the same message later
- I always bowed my head
but I always found a new way - a new context on this website - in
order to do what I so much love;
to dive into the experiences of both - present and past - and sculpt
them into yet another experience. "I'll no longer fight to get it
right"
Now I found a clip of paper from a letter of Heide, written in August
1977,
after I had sent her a copy of the
German edition of my book:
2010 Continuation of
my "Political Diary" Nov. 1976-Nov. 1977
1977_01_10 , p. 85
The following excerpt is still from the report written
on January 10, 1977,
the deadline on which I sent off my
German Book and was "free" again to do and to document.
Remember, that I also had a husband and 3 children, house and garden, and
a part-time job as a lecturer,
[it was me who prepared the Bat-Mitzva for our daughter in
our house on January 4, as well as a folder for her with documents and photos
of her 12 years]
and that I usually was dependent on public transport, be it to Tel-Aviv,
to Jerusalem, to Natanya, to Herzlia,
to Haifa, to Naharia, to the Galilee, or even farther in the North - to
Bir'am, to Gush Halav, to Tiberias etc. etc.,
since my husband, "needed" the car to drive to Tel-Aviv to work:
"Somebody has to bring home money after all..."
What a surprise:
On the Day of Independence/Al-Nakba "Prass Yisrael" was distributed
to 12 people as every year.
The only non-Jew this time was Yussuf Mtanes from Bir'am!
"He saved [see if this appears on the internet]
