From this day, July 11, 2013 onward - - - - till August 27
- before and after my 75th birthday on August 15, 2013
I was being jolted into re-understanding my vocation:
All my former goals since the ages of 7, 13, 27, 50, 67,
were meant to create training-grounds for becoming:

a   pioneer   of    Evolution    in    learning-how-to-feel.













It is fitting, that I could squirm myself towards this understanding not in a linear way.
And so now - on Yom-Kippur 2013 - on the 17th FELT day of the next 15 FELT years,
  I want to collect, harvest and savor the fruits as they ripened - as - insights-in-stages,
just like the fruits of my pomegranate-tree have been ripening since July 11 till now!
[2013-10-05- Today I peeled the last pomegranate- and ate/drank it (from the blender! because of my temporary dentures).
Since July 11 , I ate one fruit every day - many of them were not "whole", of course - but also Ofir's friend picked about 20 fruits
and when Tamir's family visited and little Re'i was so enthusiastic about eating fruits from the tree, we picked another 20 ]

(2)

At the beginning of this month, July 2013,
the task became even more concise:
I'm here to become
a PIONEER in FEELING~VIBRATING~WOMBING~UNDERSTANDING.
I am a pioneer in the evolution of the Will-Body aspects of Deity.

I'm like that first creature, billions of years ago,
that made its move from water to land.
Just as - from there - evolution took a quantum leap,
it is vital for our very survival,
that evolution will take this quantum leap:
that THINKING and FEELING will BALANCE in the HEART IN BODY.

When I came this far - in the last 2 weeks
(see my consciousness-work at the end of July 11 in K.is.s..-log 2008/2013, )
I re--remembered my book - my research in 3 stages, from 1967-1982 -
and that Israel's ancestors - 2500 till 1500 years ago, had known it "all".
This may be the deepest reason for the more than weird fact,
that Israel is still alive, and more alive than ever.

Through the immense work of my Mind concerning the old Jewish sources
as well as
through the intense work of my Feeling concerning the "modern" Holocaust
I understood the "concept" and the fact of
"Mutual Guarantorship" and "Solidarity"
and as a consequence
"Responsibility of the individual [yakhid] for the community [yakhad]."
[August 1, 2013: Perhaps this is everyone's "PIONEERSHIP"?????]
But it seems to me now,
that I did not fully grasp the concept of "Vicariousness"
or why did it take me so many decades to understand,
that this is all I have to "do", and that it is ALL that can be "done":
and not only
"to heal myself into wholeness and by extension all of Creation"-
or in the version above each of the 1400 pages of Healing-K.i.s.s.
"to heal myself into wholeness and - as a hologram - all of Creation"-

Feeling~moving~understanding "vicariously" is, perhaps, the same idea,
and yet - I now feel, that something is different!
it's not: first become whole yourself, then everybody else will become whole,
it is: not "then", in some far future,
It is NOW, in this present feeling which I feel vicariously for all.
That more wholeness will come out of it - is my hope, but it's not my business.
And to make this more palpable, more concrete, more physical,
I've been "afflicted" with Ya'aqov-Israel's paining, limping hip.
Both, the pain, and the necessity to move slowly, if at all,
remind me of hatzne'a lekhet - vicariously, NO! AS A PIONEER!
with no goal, not even the goal of wholeness.


"Feeling with" - "mitfuehlen" in German - has been my nature ever since.
And though I was judged for it (by Franz Rosenzweig's physician Dr. Prager, for instance)
and often ridiculed or even reprimanded for it ("you destroy yourself")
I held onto this "quality" of my 'persona'.
But since I didn't know, that feelings have to be vibrated physically
in order to heal and in order to show the way and in order to "open the harmonica",
I was really destroying myself and rarely helping anybody else, or so it seems to me.


Now that I have come full circle, back to my book and back to my very nature,
I can move my Mitgefuehl, just as much as any other feeling with each breath!
I do this vicariously -NO! AS A PIONEER! -
for whoever cannot yet feel~vibrate~womb~understand his/her feeling.

Does this make sense?

I longed for an image When it appeared,
the song to it appeared too
(2013 Songs, May, Nr. 6, 3rd stanza, s. another song about a "cypress", though this here is a fir?)


l must say it again and again:
"to feel vicariously" does NOT mean to "suffer vicariously".
The suffering of many kinds is the consequence of NOT feeling at the right time.
It is the result of ignoring, denying, repressing or simply not caring for a feeling.
It's the result of not taking myself seriously, not accepting, not loving myself.
And I - that is God!

The horrid concept of suffering/dying vicariously has caused havoc
ever since Jesus, the Jewish "messiah", and up to Edith von Stein, the Jewish nun .
The people, for whom this Jew was crucified -
not only did they not feel redeemed,
on the contrary, they only felt their "sinning" more intensely.
For if "God" has to sacrifice his own son for our sins,
how gigantic must this sin be!
What was (is?) just as terrible a consequence, is
that people found a justification for acting out the evil
that attached itself to their Lost Will, i.e. their denied shame and guilt,
and persecuted>tortured>slaughtered millions and millions of Jews over the ages.


"Feeling vicariously" and of course "moving = vibrating" this feeling physically,
means to feel whatever people still cannot allow themselves to feel,
because it's too pain-or shameful,
or because they are not skilled in feeling it,
since they - up to now - do not train their feeling,
like they train their minds and their bodies.
[see my term "imun-regesh" = training of feeling in "Search"]

I never understood, what Jesus' error was,
that caused his followers to interpret the "suffering servant" in Isaiah chapter 53
as a prophecy of his death and as an interpretation of the task of his death.
I've learnt by heart Isaiah 53 already as a child in German and later in Hebrew,
Towards my PH.D. I've read many dozens of books about it,
I finally put most of the song into a tune and use to sing it often.
It's about time, that I understand
how the horrid misunderstanding of "vicarious suffering" infested people's beliefs,
and get to the root of the concept of "feeling vicariously".
NO! of being a pioneer of feeling~vibrating~wombing~
and finding goldmines in it!



It doesn't even make sense to "heal" vicariously.
For, let's say, people won't suffer anymore,
but they still can't feel.
Haven't we seen exactly this?
If there is not enough "drama" in the life of a person or a family or a nation,
some individuals in a family and some leaders of a nation
will do everything to cause drama.
Moshe Dayan said: "there is nothing more   e x c i t i n g    than war!"
[Reading this again on Sept.12, the eve of the Eve of Yom-Kippur,
on which the media are overflowing with reminding us of the incredible failure
despite Israel's "victory" -of the Yom-Kippur war- 40 years ago, I feel .............].
And look at the young people,
who drug themselves in order to not feel their boredome and emptiness.
So, there is not only no use, but danger in doing away with suffering.
To feel zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
people have to get better at feeling,
and then they will feel better.
A persistent training is needed - in a "hatzne'a lekhet rhythm"..


This was also the reason, why my endless Fuerbitten [intercessions?] ,
the quests to God or to another person's Higher Self, to ease specific sufferings,
were not heading in the right direction!
The suffering was attracted by the Higher Self, so the person could stop denying.
So what would have been gained,
if the suffering left, but the denying stayed?

Also, if I ask "God" to take away my physical suffering from my hip's joint,
it's a senseless quest.
Even if in this case, the suffering doesn't come from denial,
but from wanting to better fulfil my task of vicariously feeling.
NO! of being a pioneer of feeling~vibrating~wombing~
and finding goldmines in it!

If "God" says: "I'm dwelling with them within their impurities",
[see the insert of the German/Hebrew pages below]
"he" or "the Shekhinah" does just that:
s/he does not take away their sins nor their sufferings,
S/He simply feels with them, or feels in their place, vicariously,
NO! of being a pioneer of feeling~vibrating~wombing~
and finding goldmines in it!

What for? so that they will be able to heal from within ,
to heal their denials, which cause sin and suffering.

Evening, 21:20 Having watched people in TV news items,
I no longer understand, what it means to feel vicariously.
I'm so confused,
that I even don't know to ask what it is that I want to understand.

Please help!
August 1, 2013: You were led to understand,
that the time has come
to replace the term and concept "vicariousness"
by the term and concept "PIONEERSHIP'

July 17, 2013

On my way to the pool!
I'm constantly thinking of what other people feel.
But this is not the point at all NOW:
I see Shalom, my challenging neighbor, walk around with his grandchild baby.
I do not need to feel what he, Shalom, feels at this moment.
I need to feel, that I , I, feel, - that his almost constant presence outside
d i s t u r b s    me,
though my mind says :' how great, that he spends so much time outside the house
and that he spends so much time with his grandchildren.'
Also that right now, in walking down the wadi, I feel  d i s t u r b e d
by the noise of someone cutting branches with an electrical saw!
-Instead of automatically transforming this into anger and judgment-
I desire to be able to feel~vibrate~womb~understand what in me is disturbed!
Also - when I -before leaving for the pool - read an e-mail from Rick in Montana,
that he belongs to "CUFI" , "Christians United For Israel"
and during a conference in Washington will have Israel's primeminister as a speaker,
[while recording this thought - in German - there was a sweet bird-twitter,
but I only heard this now, while transcribing here what I recorded on the way!
What a missing-out of something to enjoy in the presence!]
I have to feel my ambivalent feelings -
gladness about people who support Israel,
sadness about their failing to help Israel with its dangerous failing!
How to feel both and feel it vicariously
NO! of being a pioneer of feeling~vibrating~wombing~
and finding goldmines in it!

- this is what I want to learn! Help me!

But now, this poem of Ilana, and parallel to it the other poem,
which both "touched " me, and then 5 minutes later,
when I - still in bed - continued to read a bit in my German Kol-Yisrael-Arevim-book,
I came across a verse which intrigued me:
"pioneers..."
I opened the Hebrew original in the copy of the Hebrew Bible next to my bed,
and now I was struck:

These were the words, that "were sent to my heart"! as Ilana's poem says.
It's not the adverb "vicariously"!
It's the verb "to pioneer", which indicates my task!

khushai ....me-khadash

I omitted the line about "light". and replaced the last 2 lines [s. right] when a tune added itself to both poems See now in 2013 songs, August

Shabbat, July 21

The concept of "vicariousness",
or as my new song [2013 songs July Nr. 3] says:
"Ich spuere, fuehle, weine an eurer Statt"
"I sense, feel, cry instead of you, vicariously for you,"
has proven to be only a bridge to what is not new to me either,
but is beginning (!) to be grasped by me only now:
I am a pioneer, I am pioneering
both in front of the Children of Israel as in front of YHWH their God
a pioneer of FEELING~VIBRATING~WOMBING~UNDERSTANDING
and not only of feelings , which have been cried and screamed,
but also of those, which should be expressed as joy and rejoicing,
like when I go into "my" garden or through "my" Wadi of Compassion
or look around my room from my bed
and see all those wondrous things and "systems" , all these puzzles.
Aviv Gefen said on TV in "Ma'agal Dan Shiloh" on Shabbat Eve,
what dismay he feels seeing people all crouched (?) over their i-phones
and no longer seeing a sunset!
They glide their touch over the tiny screen to see a multitude of virtual pictures,
but don't see, what or who is in their direct present.
For me, this judgment is not helpful,
it's me who has to be a pioneer
in seeing, hearing, smelling, touching
what is here with me in every moment!


I zapped into some beautiful music by Mozart, piano, clarinet, violin
and I asked myself again, why am I rarely really full-filled by music,
unless it's connected to words which touch my mind.
And I compared this with my incessant appetite for food.
Like my Body needs and wants food and "exercise",
so my mind needs food as well as "exercise".
I want to let go of judging myself for both,
as if both were a way to escape feelings.
I'm grate-full, that I never lack food
neither for Body nor for Mind.
But what nourishment and "exercise"
does FEELING need and want,
to be in balance with Body and Mind?

As to my research on the term "khalutzim" - pioneers in the Bible, see further down.

By the way: I now read about Zionest pioneers in industry,
without which the Zionist pioneers in agriculture
would not have been able to draw enough water for their orchards!

See a movie of 1924 (!!) about Zionist pioneers

In my book (German p. 237, Hebrew p.250) I read about Jesus and Zachaeus
So hat seine Identifikation ohne Zweifel auf viele Menschen gewirkt:
D i e   S t u m p f h e i t    d e s    G e f u e h l s
musste einem wachen Bewusstsein vom eigenen Fehlverhalten Platz machen.

In German I use the term Fehlverhalten
instead of the English "wrongdoing" or similar terms
for 3 reasons: a) "Verhalten" is not always "doing", it might be "not-doing"
b) because the "Fehl" (connected to the word "verfehlen", "to fail")
is close in sound to "fuehlen", to feel.
c) because it is not immediately associating "sin"

"To feel more", in general, might mean:
to feel more my past suffering or my past "failing".
If suffering or "failing" are the consequence of "Lost Will",
. i.e. denied feelings, despised qualities, overridden needs and dwarfed greatness
both has, indeed, to be felt.
But why can't s/he feel it?
It would be like trying to climb a high mountain or swim a long distance,
without having trained before.
If people do not get better at feeling, they cannot redeem Lost Will .
This means, the "resolution" of feeling must be highly "enlarged"
(is this the technical term?)
And this, this alone, is my task.
And it, obviously, cannot be taught by words.
I can only enlarge this resolution in my own life, moment by moment
See my two songs: "I breathe and embrace every movement in my feeling"
and "ani noshemet tzil, tzaeva, tzurah"

July 27, 2013:

No ! this is still too limited, or- using my new metaphor,
it's looking at the picture in too small a resolution.
My task is not to "intoxicate" people's denied feelings.
My task is to be a pioneer of evolution in:
feeling>vibrating>understanding!
No more big dramas, but specific momentary feelings!
No more constructing judgments and beliefs,
in order to make sense of harsh experiences/feelings.
On the contrary: releasing judgments, so they will NOT
attract the harsh experiences/feelings over and over again.
A quantum-leap in evolution!
I'm meant to be like that first creature,
that stepped out of the water onto land