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Back to Overview of all sculptures in the fourfold library of "InteGRATion
into GRATeFULLness"
InteGRATion into GRATeFULLness
Fine-tuning to my Presence
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2007_12_04-11, Chanuka
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As on the
Eve of the first day of Chanuka,
there was a sudden "intrusion" into my holy solitude
on the fifth day, the
day of my new teeth.
Israel stood in the doorway of my open room.
I was, as usual, sitting at the computer.
He saw, that I was befuddled, so out of context he stood there.
He had parked his car with Diana and Shir a bit further away,
"in case you still don't want to see us, as Diana
has told me!"
On the first day of Chanuka I got a message,
that they had opened a
website about their DJ work.
I had studied it carefully, but not given any feedback.
Yes, in October I had e-mailed Diana to give me a break.
"Until the end of 2007!"
Now my first thought was:
"What courage to defy me! To stand up to me!"
I helped Diana and Shir out of the car and brought them into my castle.
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Shir belongs to the five children in my life, who were born within 3 months,
starting with Offer, son of Narda
and Oree, on Dec. 16, 2005,
going on with Mika,
my grand-daughter, on Dec. 20, 2005,
then Shir (which means "Song"), on February 3, 2006
then Mahil Jochanan in India, Gabriele's
grandson, on February 10, 2006
and completing with Saaber in the
Bedouin Zeolots' Valley, Samira's son, on March 20
 
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Shir plays with magnets on the straw-sculpted
tray,
I made for my sister's wedding in 1963, returned to me after her death in
2004.
We barely started to touch the touchy issue:
Do I want them in my life right now or not?
Do they want to be in my life or not?
They had to leave, fortunately,
for I was too bewildered to know,
what I was supposed to want.
Israel had the idea to come again,
on their way back from their holiday in Eilat.
And they came, for the night in my one-room flat.
From my diary,
after they had left
and I stayed in the pool longer than usual,
to swim and to sing...
"The togetherness was good, mainly because of Diana who radiated love
and understanding.
Israel was also nice, but his pattern of humor protects him from being challenged
or irritated by me.
Which means, it protects him from admitting, that he cannot understand me.
"I reached my goal with them: to "loosen" the relationship,
letting them know, that I cannot consider them my
'peers', not yet,
though I greatly appreciate their own growth and the way they cope with each
other.
But being close to them, I would suffer from what is still not whole between
them:
And if I would communicate with Diana only,
she would talk about Israel, not with Israel,
and I am not a psychologist, where this is allowed.
Nor am I a teacher any longer.
"You are both alright and fantastic, but for me
it isn't enough."
Diana understood me and we also agreed,
that we would be in each others' lives, like they came to me now suddenly.
And if I am in need, I'll ask for their help and I hope they will do the same.
.
"I managed well with the complicated hosting:
While we talked, Shir slept in the shower-cell, neatly equipped for him.
Later the couple slept on my bed together with Shir,
while I found space for my mattrass in the kitchen corner.
It was a night full of disturbances:
Shir cried about 3 times, Diana got up for him, went to the loo.
And worse: Israel snored most of the night .
So I most often lay awake .
I wanted to be alone, but this was not possible at such an early hour (before
seven).
Later Israel went with Shir to buy some things for breakfast,
though they liked my porridge.
"I wanted to leave you alone, this was my reason
for going."
During this time Diana and I looked at each other for an endless time,
without knowing why we did that.
When I finally asked her, what she was thinking,
one of the things was, that she wanted me to stroke her,
and if I wanted it, she would do the same to me later.
So she put her head in my lap and I stroked her head and her arm, a bit of
her back,
more I could not reach because of the bed cover.
It was a situation which brought up so many fuzzy memories
....
and I didn't want these associations at all.
Least of all I wanted Diana to stroke me back
though even just her hands touching mine,
let me feel her wonderful energy.
I wouldn't be free,
I wouldn't be able to surrender.
It was then, that I felt, that I was extremely constricted, limited, wounded.
And I was grateful that Diana showed this to me.
I didn't tell her about my associations.
I didn't tell her, that I haven't been stroked or truly embraced for years,
and that I miss this.
But it cannot come through her.
But I did tell her, that she provided a mirror for seeing myself so unfree.
Israel and Shir came back, Shir grasping my attention rightaway,
with his funny growling sounds, to which I reciprocated with similar sounds.
Shir allows himself to be unhappy and express
this with sounds...
All in all, I reached my goal of putting a distance between us,
without hurting them.
I had to say time and again, thank you for your loving invitation but I shall
not visit you.
There was almost nothing, be it ever so tiny, that I'm regretting of having
said.
Even the dire report about Tomer, which Diana drew out of me,
I completed with the wonderful story
about Tomer
having been an angel on the abyss in November 1999 in Succah in the Desert.
I also told them about 3 friends, who – should they meet them by chance
– could become their friends:
...
What was I thinking, when trying to play the match-maker?
That if I need to keep my distance from everybody,
there may be a chance that the potential of peership will be realized sooner,
if my potential peers are at least friends with each other?
I don't know, why this visit drained all my energy.
Of course, I still haven't recovered from the
intense 24 hours at Mazkeret Batya,
and tomorrow at 5 PM- I 'll already move north to
Shoham again.
So why not simply give in to my tiredness and do nothing?
'Because there is so much to do on the 9 Chanuka-pages,
which I'll will forget until I return on Tuesday.
And even then I'll only have until 2 1/2 days until Mika's birthday at Shoham.'
My obsession with completing what I've started,
doesn't let me take the rest needed.
Is this right?
No, it isn't.
Body comes first!
And so I'll lie down again.
No, first I'll prepare the song for today. For this I have the strength.
19:41
I prepared "I
feel pretty" for today, and "oifn
pripetchik" for tomorrow.
The latter song made me as sad as the former made me happy.
Then I saw a doc. in 3SAT – how singing is healthy, sound.
....
It was then, that I remembered how 2 years ago I made a renewed effort,
to fix "Sound-Appointments"
with "friends"....
I now express this again:
I wish that my desired 'haevruta' or 'Peer
Companionship' will include sounding!!
And I regret, that I didn't benefit more from Shir's
impressive sounding.
When he sought my attention by uttering very diverse sounds with a smile,
I did respond, even with some overtone singing,
but at the same time I was also talking to his parents.
It would have been the best – this I can see now, but it is too late
-
to take the child's initiative and sound together, the four of us!
And leave the talking altogether.
Isn't it pathetic, that I am still not open enough to see,
what YOU put in my way, right in front of my eyes,
because I'm too busy following my plans or avoiding what I fear?
But I must follow this obsession of not wanting to be with anybody outside
my family.
Just like I must follow the obsession of "getting more done" on
Healingkiss.
I want to feel, what I feel, when I'm in the grip of these obsessions.
I want to breathe, move and sound
this feeling of being tied down.
Only after accepting what I am
now, shall I evolve into what I want to become.
Shir grew up without diapers.
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Again: I am grate-full to "God
in small things"
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