I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete
8:17
My Body, my Partner,
I give thanks to each one of our ten fingers!
How wonderfully did you heal the four which were so badly damaged,
one when a heavy door closed on it and I was only five,
and three, when I was 15 and got almost killed by an electricity
accident,
and the sinew of the third left finger partly burnt away,
and the tip of the small right finger had to be hacked off,
How marvelous was our process of adaption,
so that I could still type on a typewriter and still play a
church-organ
I give thanks for the woundrous balance of my daily routine,
today, for instance
the balance between creative lonesomeness with my computer
and loving, not less creative, togetherness with
Efrat, my daughter-in-love, and Mika, my youngest granddaughter,
and the chance to physically walk Nella 2-3 times a day for
10 minutes,
while listening to a Schubert's
Missa, which stirs up my intestines. 2013 - now it's on "youtube",
for instance : Et
incarnatus est
This photo was taken in my bus in 1987.
It was an electronic church-organ,
which I acquired in 1985 for my
bus,
a few months before I started to live in it
When - in 1999 - it had become impossible
to park the bus anywhere in Israel,
and I bequeathed it
to my young partner Tamir,
I took the organ to my divorced son's hired flat,
where I found refuge for some time.
When Efrat, his later second wife, joined him,
it became too crowded with the organ,
and I found a Catholic Church at Jericho
- just a month before the second Intifaada,
i. e. the end of my visits to that town -
where they gladly inherited my organ.
That accident in 1953, when I was 15,
happened in a church with a traditional organ, but powered
by electricity.
One day the tube lamp above the organ
was slanted, since as I found out later, somebody had repaired
it and - not isolated it ...
When trying to put it straight,
my fingers were magnitized around the tube
and the deadly current raced through my body.
Reacting as people react in danger of death,
I had the super-human strength
to pull out the lamp from its screwing,
only to fall down on the pedals
in between organ and bench.
On my walk to my organ-practice I had dreamt,
how I would be very sick,
so that someone would care for me.
It was also the period of my first doubting---
----in the God that was known to me then.
To that God I screamed: "If you let me live, I'll again believe in you."
I could loosen my hands then...
It took a year, until my fingers were healed
as much as they could heal...
Again, it's
so good to cuddle in you, "when my heart is grey"
, like my
song says
in the night, when I can't sleep,
or any time of grey feelings during the day - - -
"Only when
your heart is grey?"
Come on! Not only!
So often - day and night - I feel simply grate-full,
and when feeling grate-full, I'm close to you "by definition".
But lately I've become more aware of my need to cuddle, to
hug.
Yesterday night Efrat
suddenly said: "Did you see, how Mika hugs
me sometimes?
So sweetly, so intensely!"
"Yes, and I'm jealous", I said with
a smile,
meaning: I yearn for being hugged by someone too!
But she misunderstood me, she thought I was jealous of her,
the mother.
So she shared with me two situations during our 3-4 threesome
hours,
in which she herself felt jealous, because Mika seemed to
prefer "satta".
"I know you are afraid of being considered a pervert,
if you would allow yourself to feel being hugged by me that
way.
It's alright to be your PEER, but it's murky to be your child
or lover!"
Yes, very much so,
despite
St. Theresa of Avila andMechthild
of Magdeburg.
I feel ashamed to even write down this conversation....
The more so, as I promised myself already yesterday,
to share with you something "more urgent",
how to handle Mika's moods of rejecting people, even her mother.
"As I can see, you found the perfect
approach to solving this problem,
and you don't really need me for this.
But you do need me to undeny your
denial of your need to be hugged.
What I suggest is a first step:
Next time in the middle of a sleepless hour at night
imagine to be hugged by me, like Efrat is hugged by her little
child,
and then feel and breathe all the terror that will come up."
(I sigh) That's a heavy
one!
How did this morning communication with you lead to this?
I had not the slightest awareness of a denial or even of the
issue itself!
"There you are
Didn't your "dialog thinkers", Martin
Buber & Franz Rosenzweig, say,
that when people conduct a true dialog,
(as differentiated from a discussion)
they can never know its outcome?
Trust yourself, that the outcome of our dialog will be healing
and loving."
Yesterday night, 22:30, a rare surprise. Tomer
wrote to me via "Skype": "I'm home, I'm balanced."
To avoid any "investigation" , I asked: "Is there anything I can
do for you?"
He answered: "Just listen to the songs
which express what I feel".
and then he send me the
link to a song called:: Rain drops keep fallin' on my head
While searching for the
lyrics, I discovered,
that the song of1970 is also the soundtrack of the film Forrest
Gump,
one of my most favorite movies.
I told him that 2 hours ago I had walked Nella ,
while raindrops were falling on our heads,
and that I had enjoyed it so much,
that I tried to make some photos of street-lamps in rain-puddles.
I also told him about the experience with the Terezin song.
He sent me a smiley and then quoted some lines of his song:
"But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon
be turnin' red
Cryin's not for me
'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothin's worryin' me
"To this I'm connected most of all!"
Only
now, while re-reading the conservation, I see this addition..
If I had seen it during the chat, I wouldn't have made the
mistake
to inquire how these lines were meaningful for him.
While listening to the song, I kept inquiring about "Cryin's
not for me", "Efrat
and I just saw a fantastic program about the singer Rita,
who is so capable of feeling and of expressing her feeling,
she couldn't prevent herself from crying even in front of
the camera."
He sent me another
song, stressing: "This one is ONLY beautiful, it
has no meaning!",
and then: "there are 22,863,433 entries,
it's crazy!
Here's the
tune and here are the
lyrics !"
While opening "Hey there Delila"
he - as usual - suddenly cut off:: "I've to go to sleep",
without awaiting my "Good Night".
It's 11:38 ,
and it has not stopped raining for the last 22 hours.
But rain in our region is a blessing
...
Because of Tomer's song
I searched again info about Ilse
Weber's song : "Der Regen rinnt".
This is what I found.... "At the Theresienstadt
concentration camp
she worked as a night nurse
and wrote about 60 poems,
setting many of them to music
and accompanying herself with guitar.
She voluntarily was transported to Auschwitz
with the children of Theresienstadt
and was killed in the gas chambers
on October 6, 1944,
along with her son, Tommy."
Raindrops falling into the light from street-lamps
and into puddles on the sideway
Three images taken during
a deeply moving hour with Rita, who decided - after years of
media silence - to share !
To share her feelings about
her life and the people in it,
and most of all about her love
to her ex-husband
and co-creator,
Rami Kleinstadt,
a love as alive as ever,
though she did not share
why it can no longer be lived.
What songs, what singing!
Did I talk about Mika's
Beads&Berries Game as a metaphor for me?
Well, there is a third "B": the Bubble Game!
Two days ago, 2 hours before Abba went
on flight:
Abba blows and Mika plays
Mika doesn't understand the relations between family-members,
she hardly accepts, that three other children are calling her father
"Abba" as well.
Today, when Efrat asked her, as she does often: who
are your siblings?
she - for the first time - mentioned all three in one breath,
Tomer, Alon, Elah and even corrected herself : "first
Elah"
while so far she only remembered one and had to be asked: who else?
She doesn't understand, that "Satta Rachel" is
also the mother of her Abba,
and that "Satta Miryam" is also the mother of her
Imma. (which, by the way, is a good way to make us aware,
that nobody can be judged "as being thus and thus",
because everybody is aware of the fact, that I behave differently with my mother, my
brother, my husband, my son, my grandmother etc.)
But she understands and cherishes the "be-yakhad":together. "All the family together".
"Facebook" allows me to follow the
life of Elah, my granddaughter.
Like the "status" to the left, to which her German (!) boyfriend,
Nikolaus Heyse, wrote:
"knowing how to fly must be genetically inherited",
hinting at her pilot-father.
Often she photographs her cat or cats in cute positions, photographed
by others.
The "status" of today makes me especially glad. No picture,
just these words:
"One says, that in life everything is a matter
of choice. How lucky I am that I chose the most gifted people for being
next to me daily and whom I can proudly and with much love - call - FRIENDS!"
Efrat, today, posted a picture with Mika in a rare
position
"
