The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'

pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"



Overview of and Links to the Pages of My Community: Desert Vision - Succah Parting from its realization in the exterior World


D E S E R T      V I S I O N



and further down  2012 the first pages of Red Book from among the


In Abraham's Bus-Steps
My mobile life and my dreams
An Overview

including a summary of my self-victimizing "problems" with the authorities.
2002_06_03 ; last update: 2005_11_16; latest update (scroll to the end): 2007_11_21; still later: 2008_07_08
Latest update: November 16, 2013

2010_12_23: See two pages with compositions of my bus-life in Closeup to my Past 2 and 3

The destination of my old army bus,
painted by Mona in Hebrew and Arabic
under palmfronds and solar panels :
Thousands of Paths.

My Amen/Om Psalm
Thousand of paths are in the world
One is the destination of all
Walking to and fro with you in wholeness
every path I'll choose will be life.
[The Hebrew Amen is like the Sanskrit Om
the sound of sounds, only the Om closes the lips, while the Amen opens them again.
'Be walking to and fro in wholeness'
is the Biblical command, not 'be good'. Gn17,1]


[see also pp33 ; 2002_09_14]

July 1983:
My sister in Germany brought Mutti, our mother to me straight from the hospital,
where she had almost died, not from her Altzheimer sickness but from chronic infection of the urinary tract.
During the two days of my sister's stay I told her about my vague idea
of literally, physically following in Abraham's footsteps, maybe by living in caves.
She said: "Why not live in a caravan! But would you take Mutti with you?"

April 1984
By then my dream - or fantasy - had evolved so much,
that I imagine to place "my caravan" under an ancient (oak?) tree near Netivot
(listen to my song "Alfê-Netivot")

Though "the Desert" was not yet a term in my emotional lexicon,
I impose a "desert-year" on myself,
during which I would meet with people and groups a little as possible.

July 1984
I resign from my work as a teacher of teachers,
in order to fully dedicate myself to preparing another "lekh-lekhâ" .
My first encounter with the authorities teaches me,
that I would not be permitted to park my caravan anywhere.
I decide to become mobile and made my license as a truck driver.

December 1984
I buy an old army-bus and start converting it into a mobile home, with the help of two "men with golden hands",
Itzik, the husband of a pupil, and Immanuel, the pilot and carpenter, of whose work I have not one single photo.
[later I found one, see in Closeup of my Past]
My son's first carpentry is a special bed for my sick mother, above drawers for her diapers, next to the shower.
But on February 20, my mother chooses to die, content that by having taken care of her I had healed so much.

July 1985
I move out of my rented flat and away from two children still living there - into an incomplete mobile home.
My closest friend, Yanina, and her husband allow me to park next to their greenhouses and use electricity.

November 1985
The winter rains put a stop to my son's carpentry under the unfolded roof attached to the bus.
I fly to Kassel in Germany to help Mona, who had just emigrated there, getting acclimatized.

April 1986
I start to move. My first night away from Yanina's security is at Kibbutz Ga'ash [pp33; 02_09_15].
The "destinations" often had to do with someone who could repair or install something in my bus.
Months of superhuman difficulties. The angel at the edge of abyss gets me an invitation to Berlin.
Following my occasional seminaries in Kassel, I know, I still need to integrate my two identities.

October 1986
I leave my bus at my son's airforce base, take my dog with me again and start to work in Berlin.
I now make a living as a guest lecturer, both for teachers of religion and for students of theology.
I also organize 4 different weekly workshops at my flat, and fulfill my desire to learn Rebirthing.
During a Ski&Rebirthing workshop at Aschau in Bavaria I encounter the first book of RUOW.

March 1987
I fetch my home from the airforce base, - with phantastic improvements, which my son had created.
While parking in a field, the only pupil in Berlin, whom I could not stand among a hundred, comes.
Against any logic or desire I fall in love. A choice made before this life, starts to unfold its LESSON.

June 1987
A month of satisfaction and income in Timrat: I teach Wardit & her husband and others Co-Counseling.
Then 5 weeks with Channah on the beach of Ha-bonim make me encourage her to join my mobile life.

November 1987
To be completely alone before entering this relationship I drive to the desert and live there for 40 days.
In "Wadi Karkeshet", 2 km north-west of Merkaz Sappir. [see how often that wadi appears on healing-k.i.s.s.!]
It's there that I fall in love with the Desert - for ever.....

February 1988
After 2 months in Berlin, helping Channah to burn her bridges, we arrive in Israel with her minibus.
By then I already knew, I had made a fatal mistake. But it was too late to go back, and no way out.

June 1988
My daughter who was present at a psychotic attack of Channah:
"Mother, if this is a lesson, I hope you learn it soon."
- Hysterectomy. - Depression.
My daughter brings an angel to me, the director of "Manpower": "Come on, work as a secretary!"
I learn computer. I get a job for 6 weeks. My spirits rise. My creativity sparkles.

The first vision:

November 1988
To change the planet with sun and sand, or solar energy. I gather info, meet experts, learn like crazy.
After 3 weeks I bring my ideas to Wardit.
She causes the Succah Vision to land on me from above.

January 1989
I get a "permanent" job as the secretary of a (kind) secretary in the legal department of "Koor".
12 hours a day I am free from Channah, free to work for my vision, using computer and phone.
Meetings with experts, potential partners, excursions, intense R&D of every aspect of the vision.
Channah's growing resistance gives me hope, that she will stay behind. But she comes with me.

Rosh-Hashanah, September 27, 1989
We park our homes at the edge of the Ramon Crater. Fight for permission to stay for 7 weeks.
The rollercoaster between insurmountable problems and miraculous help runs faster and faster.

November 17, 1989
We install our homes in the "appointed" wadi- at a distance of 100m according to my request.

January 1990
When we start building the succahs, I move my bus out of the wadi and hide it behind a hill.
The minibus with Channah stays next to the main succah, to give security to the guests.
A trigger occurs - strong enough to make me tear the personal tie. But Channah stays on.
After a year I threaten her with violence, should she enter the Succah one more time.
She heeds my threat, but she stays in her minibus around the hill, next to me, for years.
Even after she leaves to live in Mitzpe-Ramon, I have to endure the sight of her minibus.

Pesach 1996
I move my bus about 6 times in these years, for different reasons and to practise its mobility.
The time has come to move OUT. Permission to park next to the Alpacca-farm, 3 km away.

June 1996
After 7 weeks of repairing the bus and trying - in vain - to renew its license, I risk driving.
It's after midnight. Down the slopes of the Crater. I haven't driven on a road for almost 7 years.
After 6 hours I park the bus close to an army base, Uzziah-mountain, 30 km north of Eilat.
I get a license for 3 weeks, as long as David absolves his annual reserve service on this base.
Another reservist, an ecologist, asks permission from his Kibbutz to let my bus park there.

July 1996
In the irrealistic hope, that later I would be permitted to take my bus to Egypt, I leave it at Lotan.
On July 3, I hitchhike to Taba, cross the border, and start my descent into Hell, without any home.
A tourist visa was given for 2 weeks. But often I hitchhike north to the children, not to the kibbutz.

November 1996
No permission to cross to Egypt any longer. I move my bus out of Lotan, the solar batteries are gone.
Praying to God not to be caught, I drive to Eilat and through it and park on a parking lot near Taba.
Maybe friends, who would go to Sinai, would pass by and mediate between me and my team there.

October 1997, Festival of Succot
Following the initiative of the RedSeaPartnerSHIP, I move my bus, covered with palmfronds, at dawn.
I reach a beach next to the border of Jordan, but - evicted after Succot - I try my luck on an empty field.
The field of Kibbutz Elot is next to the Israel-Jordan checkpost. Though I had a friend there, I get evicted.

December 1997
Amiram, an inspector of Eilat helps me to install myself at the "hippie beach", which is still not seized for a hotel.
It's the most beautiful spot among all the nice spots, I've inhabited with the bus. We erect the 4 Nations-tent.

May 1998
We were 6 partners then. Only Tamir, age 27 then, started to live next to the bus in one of our pyramids.
In time he won me over to his understanding, that we had to exchange the Red Sea for the Dead Sea.
We packed the bus together, waited for the night to drive, but after 30 km the police got me nonetheless.
That was the end of my home's mobility, the end of living in it altogether. We turned it into a public space.

February 1999
I'm evicted from the place above the Dead Sea, Metzuqe Dragot, where Tamir and I lived in tents.
Albert and Mali, two of our partners, had wanted to live in a minibus, for which I gave them a loan.
They joined us in that hosting village, but wanted to sell the minibus. No one bought it, so it stayed.
Tamir and I built a great hosting space with bus, minibus and tents, but now we have to tear it down.

October 31, 1999
I'm evicted from the Ein-Gedi Fieldschool and bequeathe bus, minibus, 3 of the 4 tents to Tamir.
With my last money from my grandfather's house in Erfurt, which reached me in August 1997,
I had renewed and greatly upgraded the solar system and bought an oriental electronic organ.
My old organ I bequeathe to a Catholic Church in Jericho. I take my tent and what belongs to it.

From now on I walk in Abraham's footsteps

Tamir moves his home to the Southern end of the Dead Sea, where he got hired as a worker.
In 2001 he left Desert and Dead Sea and moved his home to a cliff above the Mediterranean.
When the authorities put a veto to this, he moved the bus to a private farm 10 min. from the sea..
He is still there - amidst a dead orchard, revived a little by his sewage - and pays 200$ rent.

[Addition on July 8, 2008:
Sometime in summer 2003, I think, Tamir moved his home again to a cliff above the Mediterranean.
He got permission to stay there provided he would report to the authorities every week.
Yet - one day, when he traveled south to Dimona, when Shim'on Peleg, his father, underwent an operation,
he got a call from a friend:
"They've towed your bus away!"
It took 5 days, until Tamir found out, where the bus was "quarantined":
on a garbage plant in Kiryat Bialik in the Haifa Bay area.
Tamir went there once, just to take out his underwear and the like.
From then on nothing, not even my worst manipulations, could make him go there ever again.

In November 2004, when I realized, I could no longer live in my storm-whipped tent on Rakhaf,
Saar Carmieli, the owner of Rakhaf, suggested that I bring my bus back and live in it on Rakhaf.
So I phoned around , asking for permission to at least see the bus at the garbage plant.
When I got it and was shown the place from afar (nobody dared to come with me),
I approached my old home with great fear.
But what I saw was more horrid than I had imagined.
Robbed off everything movable except for the books,
the door, the windows and much more - destroyed .
the floor littered with torn blankets, garments etc.
My heart broke over all the furniture,
which Immanuel, my son had worked on with such superhuman effort.

I had to make my peace with the fact, that the bus was forlorn, dead.

I took Tamir's diary, for which he would be grateful , and a few books for myself,
and then smashed the glass of my brother's painting,
in order to be able to free it from the frame of the window in the ceiling, into which it was squeezed.

That was the end of the saga of my bus - bought in 1984, built in 1985-86, bequeathed in 1999, dead in 2004

[Later today - on July 8, 2008 I came - by chance... - across a page, where I told this story and much more!]

I visited friends in Ga'ash with my bus,
and - after my bitch gave birth to 10 - was allowed to stay for a week.
Only artists and children came to visit me, among them a sculptress.
It was on the 5th day of that week, when she told me.
"I asked my therapist about you and your bus:

"Not only does she live in a bus, she even drives the bus herself.
And if this isn't enough, - she has a solar-powered electronic organ in her bus.
Why does this make me so angry, that I can't bring myself to visit her?"
"Because you too have dreams, but you don't fulfill them as she does."


Most of my own photos got burnt or otherwise lost.
Maybe those that were spared,
were meant for this website sculpture.

Desert and Solar Engergy;
Computer upon the Watertank;
Driver's seat convertible to desk-seat.

ON November 19, 1989
I dared to drive my blue-white home into this little wadi.
And against all the overwhelming odds
{which included the implications of that minibus ~~~}
- it's where the first step of my Desert Vision manifested.

On the horizon
the best-equipped observatory in the MiddleEast
is seen between the two hills I came to call:
'giv'at ma'of ha-mal'akhim' = "Hill of the Angels' Flight"
' har lekh-lekhâ' = 'Mountain of
[Bible, Genesis 12,1]

From "God's Page: Turning Backward to Face Creation"

"Another, perhaps more useful metaphor is
that we have been on a long bus trip through Creation.
Like the bus which you drive
in the way you do
through your own life,
I am the driver of a larger bus
and you are aboard.

"Throughout all of time
I have been sending messages to you,
both from inside of you by way of experiences
and from the 'outside' by way of my messengers,
inviting you to come up from the back of the bus
and visit with me here by the wheel.

"Now you can do that more easily than ever.
Let's use this opportunity to visit together
and share our perspectives on the journey.
As we get comfortable with each other
I'll show you how I drive.
Perhaps we will even find a new way of driving together.


"If you would like to learn a better way of driving,
I'll share a secret and show you
how I am positioned here at the front of the bus.
I am facing backward.

"Yes, I drive backward.
I am certain that our destination is wholeness,
and I know all roads lead there.
I cannot second guess
which turn will be for the best.

"In not facing toward the future,
I follow the deepest guidance available,
the miracle of Creation itself

"What is ahead is unmanifest,
it is the Void.

Ahead of me there is nothing.
Behind me is everything,
all of Creation.

"If I was facing forward
I would not be able to see anything,
I'd be staring into the Void.
Facing backward, however,
I experience all of Creation
streaming out behind like the wake of the swan,
or the flow of a river where I am the source.

Jubilate, O barren,
you who did not give birth
exult, break-forth in jubilation
you who did not labor,
for more are
the children of the desolate
than the children of the married.

Make wide the place of your tent,
and the curtains of your habitations may stretch
spare not,
lengthen your cords,
and strengthen your stakes.
[Isaiah 54, 1-3; my translation]


see now
Songgame 2007

Juble, Entwurzelte,
die nicht geboren hat,
brich in Jubel aus, jauchze,
die nicht gekreisst hat,
denn mehr sind
der Soehne der Verstarrten
als der Soehne der Verehlichten.

Weite den Raum deines Zelts!
deiner Wohnungen Behaenge spanne man auseinander!
spare nimmer,
verlaengre deine stricke,
deine Pfloecke verfestige!
[Jesaja 54,1-3; Buber-Rosenzweig]


I discovered a long letter to the legal department of the "Israel Nature and Natural Parks Authority "
written in July 2001, after the foreclosure of my bank account, because I hadn't paid the last fines.
This summary of my "problems" with the authorities during my mobile life
demonstrates my victimhood, I am sorry to say,
but I am still not healed enough, to cast away this story....

[I started to re-edit it on February 18, 2008, but haven't completed]

For Roni Malka, Hananya Weizmann and Moshe Shamir,
from Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam, Modi'in.

In May 2000, after Avi, the main ranger of Ein-Gedi,
had confiscated some things I had hidden under rocks
next to the Dead Sea shore, and sent them to you,
I came to you to make you understand.
You did understand.
You promised to cancel all the charges against me,
if there would be no new "complaint" against me within the next 3 months.

I thought this cancelling would be automatic,
and I ignored the orders to appear in court as "irrelevant".
I admit, that this was stupid and cannot be justified.
Yesterday, the first of the month, I came to the postal bank,
where I use to receive my Old Age Allowance, the only income I have.
They said there is an 'iqul on my account...

Since English is a foreign language for me,
writing in English to you
might help me to separate my "message"
from my so extremely painful "feelings".
My message to you should make you understand me.
Once you will understand me,
not only will you cancel the charges against me,
but you will help me to heal a tiny piece
of an old, very deep wound.

This wound has to do with the hostile relationship from authorities
which I have been attracting towards myself
ever since my times in the Faculty of Protestant Theology
in three German universities from 1960 to 1963;
then during my educative peace-work in Israel in the seventies;
but most of all since I started "Succah in the Desert" in 1989.
The "Green Patrol" is just a police-force ,
and I expect no understanding from them.
But the Nature Reserves' Authority
and the Chevrah le-Haganat Hatewa
should be my closest partner.
Don't we have the common interest
of preserving the precious values of Nature?


From the very beginning of my Desert Vision in Nov. 1988,
I wanted the Nature Reserves/Authority
to adopt my "child" as their own.
The realization of this Vision
will create the SITUATION
where people will preserve Nature
not because of their fear of fines
but because they will have:
an ECONOMIC INTEREST in preserving Nature.

I keep reminding myself,
that I met two men in the Nature Reserves' Authority,
who understood some aspects of my vision.
One was Uri Baidetz and the other Ezri Alon.
Without them my work in the desert
would have been much more difficult.
But there were others whom I caused - somehow -
to develop an extremely personal hatred towards me.
You may remember the story of the tree we planted in 1995.
It was a little daphna, a laurel tree, not suited for the desert at all.
Since it needs water and shade,
it was supposed to be a symbol for Man in the Desert.

We need a little water and a little shade,
but we must leave the desert desert,
if we want it to be the base for our economy.

This is very different from Ben-Gurion's vision.
Not the shmamah [wilderness] will blossom,
but the neshamah [soul] in the shmamah will blossom.
People in the mega-cities of the future will survive only
if they can "re-create their souls" (nofesh la-nefesh)
in the SPS (Space, Purity,Silence) of the Desert.
From this growing "market-need"
the Desert Economy will rise.
I started the "Succayah" near Mitzpe-Ramon
to create a scientific model of Desert Economy.
The hosting enterprise "Succayah" should demonstrate,
how we can make use of "Mashot" (merchav, sheqet,tohar)
without destroying what we need to make a living on (the hosts)
and what we need for our survival (the guests).
The interaction with the rangers
who caught me visiting the daphna ,
and the following cruel uprooting of the plant
caused the outbreak of so much pain ,
that even my children cannot understand.
But please try to see me, Roni, Hananya and Moshe.
The outbreak had and still has to do
with my constant living on both sides of the sho'ah.
Even now while I try to make you understand
something which is so far away from your own experience,
I tremble and sob with uncontrollable tears.
(Sorry, I wanted to keep my feelings away,
but if I believe, that yesterday's shock came to heal something,
then the feelings must be cried and shared...)
Imagine a 22 year old very sensitive German Christian girl,
studying at the Hebrew University
during the year of the Eichmann trial - 1960/61.
The man whom she loves
had fled Nazi Germany in 1939 , when he was 16.
Out of his own trauma he keeps telling her,
how "you Germans stick to the law!"
"Betreten des Rasens verboten!"
("To step on the lawn forbidden"),
he quoted often, laughing cynically.
"During the British mandate it was forbidden to keep weapons!
It was an order!!!" he told.
And then came the story of a kibbutz where they had hidden weapons all over.
The stories always ended:
"This is the difference between Israelis and Germans!
You, of course, would have FOLLOWED ORDERS!"
There I was, in May 1995,
facing an empty hole in the desert earth.
I had come there each other day for two weeks,
walking the ten km to and fro, or coming by bike,
to water the plant, and then to give it some shade.
I did what felt right - for Israel's and Mankind's Future.
But I had not followed orders...
I forced myself to wait, until I would calm down.
But the next morning I felt
that I needed to do something outrageous
"to shake levavot sha'ananim" .
In Egypt, in prison, they found a definition
which helped them to release me after 4 days:
"She crossed the border to Egypt
as an act of protest against her country."
Needless to say: I did not shake any hearts...
Then there came years of many evictions,
not only inside Israel, but also from Egypt,
where I had initiated another scientific model
of Desert-Economy-based-on-SPS-Hospitality,
suited for Third World people who still live in SPS .


You'll ask, why did I leave the "safe" Succayah?
One of three main laws that guarantee the preservation of SPS is:
"Noone can own the land on which a SPS hosting business is erected.
And noone can own the business itself.
Everything man-made must be 'temporary', 'ara'ee"!
From 1991 I tried to demonstrate this law by my own leaving.
I failed 3 times. People were not ready.

At Succot 1994,I said to my team:
"I must leave now.
If you too are not able to keep the Succayah without me,
then my whole idea is wrong, or wrong in timing."
I stayed aroung a hill, in my mobile bus, until Pesach 1996.
I did not interfere. I did not even use the jeep of the Succayah.
Then I felt, that the time was ripe.
I left my creation and any financial ties to my partners
Efrat and Gaddi Leybrook from Shenkin Street, Tel-Aviv.
In 1998, I also had to give up my mobile home.
Though technically the old army bus (model 1976) was o.k.,
legally I could not get a license any longer.
Again, I did not follow orders and drove from Eilat to Metzuqe Dragot,
where I and my partners wanted to continue to realize the Desert Vision.
I was caught...
It was then , that I started to live in one of the pyramidal tents,
which we invented already in 1992 ,
and which we perfected (4th generation) in 1997.
From my present perspective ,
this change preceeded an understanding
which dawned on me
when I re-visited the Succayah in November 1999:
"A hosting enterprise based on Succot is still tempting people to "settle".
Future SPS enterprises will all be based on tents of the kind we invented .
The Succayah near Mitzpe Ramon came into being only as a bridge
between the old concept of permanent settlements
and the old (Biblical) -new concept of using land only temporarily."
Two more evictions
(from Metzuqe Dragot Feb.27, 1999,
and from the Ein-Gedi Fieldschool Oct.31, 1999)
made me understand,
that I had to stop all work on the exterior level.
Time isn't ripe.
I am not ripe.
I made one of my partners, Tamir, the heir of all my equipment
and found refuge in the flat of my eldest son, at Shoham.
Still , there were some more experiences I had to go through.
I invented a two-dimensional "tent", just a triangle over the head
and came to live at some sulphur-springs next to the Dead Sea.
It was March 13, 2000.
Yes, I did make a tiny fire everyday to cook a simple meal.
I was not the only guest at that shore and it was very dirty.
Some places I succeeded in cleaning up,
and of course, my own place was always in perfect order and beauty.
After two months Avi started his crusade against me.
The details of this go far beyond the orders that Avi has to follow...
I gave up my triangle and split up my "home":
During the permitted hours, from 8 A.M. to 5 P.M.,
I stayed at the pools,
just watering myself all the time against the terrible sun.
At 4.30 I started walking North, so as to be out of the Nature Reserve by 5.00.
There I found a hiding place to sleep and to cook.
I had to hide, because now the army was after me,
and also - in my innocence, to make Avi relax -
I had told him, where I was at night. He snapped:
"OHHH. I'll immediately tell all the authorities
to find you and drive you away!"
On June 30, 2000 I understood, that this was the end.
I had exhausted this last experience of
learning how to survive in the desert, in the 21st century.
Again I found refuge at my son's home, until I found a "solution".
For seven months I lived in my tent,
but not in an area,where the authorities might be disturbed,
but in the garden of my daughter and my son-in-law, in Modi'in.
Finding out how to survive a winter in a non-desert area
was still another experience needed for understanding
how the Desert vision can be realized when the time will be ripe.
But it was hard for my son-in-law
and therefore not a solution for my life as a private person .
On June 12, 2001 I moved into "my own" rented flat in Modi'in.
My three children make a common effort to finance the rent.
No authority and no person will be ever bothered by my physical existence.
Yesterday I had to go to the bank for the first time,
to pay my rent and to pay for electricity etc.,
things I've not known for 16 years.
My efforts to make money myself,
have failed. I am almost 63 now.
But I clean the house in which my flat is,
which saves me 120 NIS for the house-committee
and gives me an extra 80 NIS.
And since more than any person I know of,
I'm able to keep expenses at the lowest,
I knew I would manage.
I went to the Postal Bank with a light heart.
I thought I could live in peace now.
And there it came - a totally unexpected blow.
The cheshbon me-uqal.
Three tiqim ezrachiim and one plili.

The very word "plili" shocked me terribly.
I still don't know, what it means,
that "you were late in paying your fine of 1995".
The fine was for planting that little daphna in the desert.
I had asked for a mishpat.
This took a whole year.
When the judge said, that the uprooting of the tree was unjustified,
but "still there is a law, so I fine you with the lowest sum possible"
I - right there in the court in Qiryat Gat (or Dimona?) - paid 500 NIS.
So how can I have a tiq plili ?
The other three tiqim are together more than 4000 NIS.
All these efforts to finally live like "a normal person",
in order to not disturb the world any longer,
and now this: more than 4000 NIS.
But the money is not the main shock.
It is the pain of 40 years that was "triggered".
And what I need from you is much more
than cancelling the tvioth against me.
I need a little bit of understanding from you,
a little bit of acceptance and nechamah,
a little bit of healing for my Dead-Sea-deep wound.
And you know, the little healing for one soul is
as if you had giving a little healing to the whole world....
ha-meqayyem nefesh achat....
Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam



I re-discovered a quote from a book by Albert Schweitzer,
which I read in 1973.
He talks about the way people related to him,
when he - a successful theologian and musician - felt the calling,
to study medicine and go to Africa to help the sick (Lambarene).

Schweitzer had been my idol for all the years of my youth,
ever since I had seen a slide-show about him, when I was 12.

In this passage he advices people to choose extraordinary doing only,
if they can value any doing, be it ever so simple and ordinary.
"There are no heroes of doing, there are only heroes of renouncing!"

This advice had been guiding me still, when I started driving in Abraham's Bus-Steps.


September 13-14, 2012

Since I've retrieved the Intro and the first 30 pages of the Red Book, and find space on this page,
I continue to copy

The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

One who could and must be free to command it anyway I wanted to. I was the One who was there first, and I was the One who knew how to keep My reality present with Me.

Even though these additional thoughts did not disagree with Me at first, they were not quite the same as My main stream of thought and did not let Me remain as calm as I had been. They were complicating something I wanted to keep simple. It did not occur to Me that I had not let Myself notice any excitement before then, or that this might be an excitement part of Me.

This was Heart, as it turned out, but I did not know it. I did not want to allow it freedom of expression, or to let it dominate in any way. I thought I was the only One who knew how to do what I had been doing.

I was only aware of trying to focus on this reality of Mine. It was familiar and comfortable to Me and had had nothing in it that opposed Me or had a different idea of how it should look or be.

As long as these aspecting thoughts, or voices, agreed with Me, I was willing to let them be there. If they had a differing opinion or did not accept My focus wholeheartedly, I felt impatient and limited or held back in some way that I did not like. I perceived Myself to be taken out of My natural flow by differing opinions that did not know how to do what I was doing and did not understand or respect Me enough to let Me do it. I wanted to be the dominant thought pattern. I had a feeling of being interrogated, opposed, overwhelmed, intimidated and even threatened by their presence. I was building a rage there but noticed only My restless impatience.

I was sure I had to maintain My focus the way I had been to maintain what I had happening within it. I had evidence for this from times when I had experienced lapses in My focus during which I did not know what was there, if anything.

I experienced only darkness in those lapses and did not like the feeling there. I had no consciousness there that I was aware of. If anything was going on there, I I did not like it as much as what I had happening in the light where I was holding my focus. There, I had dreams, and some of them did include relationship as something that moved along with Me and never differed with Me about anything.

As long as these voices, or companions of Mine, understood that I had to have my focus, listened to Me and knew when to be quiet, we had a great relationship with many good times in excited states of awareness in the light. My experience there felt good, and that was all that mattered to Me. I didn't want anything else for a long time.


When I did awaken to having more feelings of physicality than I had been aware of before, it was to feelings of sexuality. I felt drawn by what would now be called My loins to find something that would receive Me there. I had body sensations that felt like I was becoming aware of the lower part of My Body. I had come into contact with an essence that was exciting Me. It felt like the lower part of Myself stirring Me, and I had not known it because I had been so busy dreaming in the upper half. To Me, it was as though I was suddenly adolescent and wanted to move with it. I did not want to let go of these sensations, I wanted to go into them.

I also noticed another feeling sensation there of something cozying up to Me as though it wanted to go into these feelings with Me something that felt like a She that wanted to have sex with Me. I did not have those words then because I did not know where it was going to go, but I wanted to say it that way so that We men could notice how imprinted We have been in Our interpretations of women's behavior, and realize how often We have not felt into it any deeper than Our original imprinted assumptions.

I wanted to move sexually. I wanted to move spontaneously. I had feelings of not being able to hold back. I was ready; even urgent. I needed to have sex.

Why wasn't She receiving Me the way I wanted Her to? Where was Her passion? I was only hearing low sighs and moans and a rocking feeling. It wasn't going anyplace I wanted it to go. Didn't She feel Me there? Didn't She understand how it felt to be Me? I moved toward Her, and a great murmuring and sighing arose, as well as sounds of pain, displeasure and even opposition. She hesitated in Her response to Me. I took it as a "no".

I did not move past Her there, but I did not like it that She did not move toward Me the way I wanted Her to. I had to move sexually and not wait anymore. I did not want to be held back. When she did not receive Me with the speed I wanted Her to, I did not move toward Her anymore. I pulled back instead.

When She moved toward Me, I did not respond anymore. Even Her touch made Me feel held back, controlled and slowed down. I had lost interest in Her already. She was just one possible pleasant sensation among many I had had already.When She sensesd this, it felt as if She grew hooked claws and used them to grab onto Me and not let Me go. It even felt like Whe wanted to punish Me for wanting to go

She tried to give Me millions of nuances as to why I shouldn't leave Her that way. It all felt like a sticky web of guilt to Me. I was not interested in any of it. I wanted to go right into My feelings and sensations of sexuality without thinking about it; about where it might go, what might happen, what it might mean, or if there was anything She wanted Me to do to get to know Her or to create a secure relationship within which to do this.

What was there to know? I knew Her enough to know that I wanted to move with Her sexually, or thought I did until She started with this.What else was there to know except whether I liked it or not? If She did not like it, I was going to move on until I found someone who did.
[Rafael, Jerusalem, November 4, 1960:
"Haendchen halten gibt's bei mir nicht!"]

I did not have the thought that there might be repercussions from this. I was wild with excitement. I was already holding back as much as possible. I gave Her input that let Her know I did not like the hesitation She was giving Me. Either She wanted to go into this, or She did not. It was that simple. She was causing Me to lose my focus and My sensations, and I did not like it. I wanted to knnow Her sexually first, and She wanted commitment first.

I became confused. She was making this so complicated, when I wanted it to be simple. Why had She given Me the feeling that She wanted Me in this way and then changed Her mind?
I felt excited, driven up and rejected. I did not take Her sexually there, but my rage wanted to.

I was hurt, and then glad I hadn't gotten any more involved than I had. I thought I needed to, and could, pull out of this like pulling out of a bad dream. She was not giving Me what I wanted . She was not letting Me go. She grabbed onto Me as if She was trying to invade Me or glue Herself onto Me and come with Me instead.

I had a feeling of panic and terror that She was trying to trap Me, hold Me back, hold Me there, hold Me down, control, overrun and overwhelm Me. It felt like She needed something from Me in order to live
and was trying to take it, whether I had it to give or not.

Terror came up in Me that there would be nothing left of Me. I thought I had been lured, tricked and trapped by something that wanted to drag Me down, play with Me in a cruel way, torture Me and take My life. This was not any kind of relationship that I wanted to have. I felt that My survival was in jeopardy, and that I was in danger of losing everything I had going. Feelings of suffocation and drowning came up in Me. I pushed Her away.

Fighting for My life, I rushed up and away from Her.
I had a feeling there was essence with Me that didn't want to be left behind
The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love
p. 10

there either, but I didn't take note. I was only glad to be alive at all at the time and was rushing to get away as fast and as far from this thing as I possibly could. I was convinced that I had a black widow spider to deal with, or worse. I was monstrous and of hute proportion.

I could not have been more wrong, which I did not know until I looked back, and I did not look back until very recently. I made assumptions there, but they were fact in My mind, and they became reality; a reality I did not question until I had to. What happened there needs to be gone back over many times to find all that was put into place in that momentary encounter of drifting essence.

Before the new heading on this page I insert "the Lost chapter of Imprinting",
as advised by Ceanne de Rohan, the Channeler of Right Use of Will,
concerning her edition of the
the Red Book: Imprinting in the Chakras:


The Lost chapter of Imprinting

"While this book is very helpful, it would have been more helpful
if I had not deleted a chapter about the male side that said
'I felt this, but I didn't let her know, I felt that, but I didn't let her know', etc.
I did this in a moment of deep fear and self-hatred coming from my imprinting about males.
I was using a computer instead of my old typewriter which made the delete button easy to push.
I have recovered this chapter, and when you order this book it will be included as an insert.
If you already have this book and want this chapter,
please send us ... your e-mail address and we will send it to you.

" Put this in before the heading on page 10 (of the Red Book -
see below)-

I was drifting and feeling good, or so I thought.
I did not know feeling good really;
I just noticed
some experiences in My drift didn't feel as good as others,
and so I wondered if it meant anything.
I paused
and pondered.
I felt hesitation,
and a shadow of fear.

I did not want to feel these things.
They did not feel good to Me.
I focused on returning to the pleasure
and ignore the other feelings,
except for realizing I had experienced a contrast.

I drifted on, dreaming again for I don't know how long,
until I felt something pulling on Me.
It frightened Me,
but it registered as a rude startle intruiding on My peaceful drift.
I reacted by pushing it away.
There was fleeting thought of what I might have pushed,
but it was quickly taken over by how startling it was
that I could make such a strong and directed movement.
I pondered that for a long while.

When I again found Myself in less than pleasant spaces,
the pull seemed to be grabbing at Me and pulling Me down.
I had a rush of excitement,
a thrill that gave Me sexual arousal,
It felt good.

I wasn't expecting that.
It was confusing.
The more I let Myself feel pulled on,
the more intense the feeling became.
I had a sudden release into My familiar expansive feelings again.
I did not know what it meant,
but I was greatly relieved.

I felt restored and dreamy.
I wanted to stretch out and drift,
but something was pulling on Me again.
I was bothered.
"What is it now?" I thought.

I did not want to repeat the same experience I had just had.

[what's the difference between feeling and experience, or what is the connection between them?]
I was not ready.
I wanted to be left alone.

The pull wanted My presence more than I wanted to be present.
The pull wanted to relate to Me about what had happened.
What was there to relate about?
I only wanted to float with the feeling I was having as long as I could.
Having to go back over it might distract Me from the good feeling.
I drifted off.

Again there was a contrast
with how expansive, free and peaceful I had been feeling.
Again it didn't feel very good to Me.
I had feelings of being brought down in some way.
Why was I being pulled down
when I just wanted to stay up?
If I had to do this to find intense pleasure,
maybe I just wanted an even keel;
nothing dramatic,
just a nice, relaxed, mellow pleasure;
My familiar reverie.
I began to feel rather desperate to regain My earlier state without having to feel bad first.
It seemed happier and freer.
There was no dissatisfaction there,
no seeking, no frustration,
no feeling of being driven to find satisfaction.
The more I felt pulled on,
the happier and freer I thought I had been earlier.

The pull was feeling sticky.
Disengaging did not seem to be an option it wanted Me to have.
This experience was placing demands on Me that I did not want to have to meet.
It seemed as though I was now going to have to be participatory
in getting out of, through, over or past this.
I wasn't sure I wanted to be participant.


In My view I was about to be snared, scrutinized and interrogated.
It even seemed that I was being penetrated
in an effort to get inside of Me and find out what I was about.

I was guarded and suspicious.
When I stood firm
murmurings and agitation,
ripplings and grunts,
keening and cooing arose.
Images of crossed arms and cross looks entered Me there.
This thing did not look or feel like Me.
I decided it was the opposite of Me
and I didn't think I liked it.
was strange
and Her ways were foreign noises, motions and emotions.
It was a language I didn't speak,
and from the sound of it I didn't think I wanted to learn it.

It was confusion.
I was feeling
and hurt
to name a few,
but I didn't let it show.
I held Myself back from engaging with it.

I didn't want to express My feelings
if it was going to make Me like Her.

I didn't understand,
and no one was helping Me understand in any way I recognized.
Apparently I was supposed to feel whatever it was
that She was trying to communicate and I wasn't getting it,
nor was I doing whatever it was She wanted Me to do.

I didn't like the feeling of this.
Although I thought I was getting some picture of what was being communicated,
I didn't let on that I understood anything or had anything to say
because it wasn't the picture I wanted to be receiving
or the feelings I wanted to have.
There began to be a beseeching quality to it.

I wanted to relate in My own way, but I didn't know what I was relating to.
Nothing was responding to Me or helping Me in the way that I would have wanted.

The focus was all on Me.
There was something that was really wanted from Me.
From the way it was being sucked up, it appeared to be My light.
I was feeling drained.
What if I lost Myself to Her?
What if I became trapped here

and became unable to leave and find My old self again?

So quickly it wasn't Me that was wanted,
but the Me She wanted Me to be.
I liked the Me I already was.
What was wrong with that?
I wanted to be accepted just as I was.
I was hurt and angry.
I felt defensive.

I didn't want to change for Her.
What if I didn't like Myself then?
It seemed likely since I wan't liking what was happening to Me there.
What if I lost Myself completely and was taken over by Her;
something else that didn't even feel very good?
How would I feel then?

I was alarmed and self-protective
but I did My best not to show it.
I felt there was just a hunger for light
and now a gourmet palate was quickly developing.


She didn't undersand Me anyway.
She didn't know what I was about
She was consumed with Her reactions to Me.
even if I tried to do what She seemed to want,
She still wasn't satisfied,
but She didn't let Me know what She really wanted,
only what She didn't want.
I didn't want to be manipulated or told what to do.

I felt these things, but I did not let Her know.

What was She going to do about it?
It seemed to be just the way She was.
Anyway, which part of Her did I tell?
With all the commotion going on there She seemed to be a group,
and the group always had to be part of everything.
I could barely get Her attention for any private time
now that they had begun making themselves known.
How could I find a way to communicate with all this ruckus going on?

If I wanted to interact just with Her, it caused a great flutter.
If the good feelings intensified, so did the noise.
It began as murmurings
and the more intense the sensations were becoming,
the more intense the sounds became;
sighs and moans began to be overrun
with sounds of crying and screaming,
gasping and choking,
growling an gnashing,
pounding and scraping,
beating and flailing

and all manner of sounds.

When it began,
I thought sounds were part of the good feeling,
but not these sounds.
As it progressed
it took on qualities of being more and more intrusive, loud and overriding
as though demanding attention elsewhere.
What a ruckus!

From everywhere there were needy demands that I couldn't satisfy.
Did any of this care about what I was experiencing?
I wasn't getting what I wanted,
but I pretended
that I didn't care, didn't want it and didn't need it.

My survival seemed somehow dependent on not showing My vulnerabilities.
I was attached to Her and She was critical of Me.
I did not like it,
but I would not admit
that it hurt
or that I might have anything to learn
or add on to My being that wasn't already there.

I needed to be perfect already.
Any other prospect was too unsettling.
It meant I wasn't right already.
Being right was a superior position to being wrong
because it meant I was in control of the situation.

If I did pick up on something She had to say,
I pretended I already knew it
and that She didn't realize it
because She had an attitude about Me
that didn't let Her see how many good points I had.

"I had many good points, didn't I?" I'd say.
That always distracted Her into having to acknowledge them,
which I thought She should be doing more of
instead of all the other approaches She so often took.

Instead, everything I did or didn't do,
no matter how miniscule,
even just a nuance of something,
seemed to be under scrutiny
as though this "we" was a committee
that had proclaimed itself an authority on how it was supposed to be,
not only in their area, not only with Me when I was there with them,
but inside of Me and everything I did even when I was not there.
Why should everything be according to them?
It felt terrible to Me
and quite probably to them the way They were going on about it.


If they wanted Me enough to pull on Me,
shouldn't that mean
they wanted to do what I was doing
and in the way I wanted to do it?

I decided not to tell Her how I felt
or much about what I thought
so that I could do what I wanted to do
without being slowed down by
the entire complicated "process"
they called it,
"arguing disagreeable mess," I called it.

If I wanted time and attention,
there seemed to be a group
that had to be tended to, comforted, cared for,
nurtured, placed comfortably, made happy and so forth first.
It was a chaotic, churning sort of event.
It was not My easy, spontaneous, free, floating drift here.
I didn't like it.
I felt trapped, suffocated,
required to perform, placate, please, etc.
I didn't want to do it.
It was too complicated, too long, too drawn out.
I wasn't part of it.
I didn't understand it,
couldn't relate to what was going on there.
I tried, but it seemed senseless to Me.
I wanted to get away.

I wanted to be treated like a shah in his haerem;
indulged, pampered and satisfied,
looked up to, admired and complimented
But, as warm and comforting as this felt,
if it dragged on for too long,
I began to feel too warm, too close and too boggy.

Even the indulgence began to be something I fled
because as I sank into it
I began to feel weak.
I needed to be free.

I wanted to come and go at will.
She felt too needy of Me.

The original exhilaration was not there.
She seemed to view it now as Me seeking release from My need for Her.

I wanted to flee.
I wanted to push, but I didn't want to push.
What if I couldn't get away that way?
I had had an impression of Myself as huge.
Now I was feeling small, diminished, frightened, insignificant and terrified;
but I didn't let Her know.
It seemed like She wanted to be with Me,
but not the way I wanted Her to be with Me.

I had some heartbreak, but I didn't let it show.
She wouldn't notice anyway,
She was too filled with Her own feelings
of wanting to tell Me what to do and how to do it.
If She felt She was right,
which seemed to be all the time,
and I didn't immediately see the rightness of it,
She did not conceal Her feelings
that I was slow and out of touch with the depths She knew,
depths which somehow had important bearing upon everything about Me.
She seemed to be consumed with Herself,
Her needs, Her desires, Her this, Her that.

I tried to be accommodating.
I tried to stay present; but I couldn't.
I had wanted to, I had thought,
but it was too much of everything foreign to Me.
It was too messy, too disorganized,
too diruptive, too clamorous
and too emotional.
It was as if everything had been held back
and She had pounced and poured it all over Me.
Why didn't She have Her own reverie going?
Why couldn't We have flowed together with no bumps in the road?
I didn't tell Her any of this.

She only would have disagreed.
It would have become too complicated.

It seemed like a near miss.
Here We both were,
but We couldn't get each other.
I wanted to retreat and see how I felt then.
I wanted to escape.

When She sensed that,
She gripped Me harder
and came up with all sorts of noise from Her



group to back Her up.
It was as though she had some sort of a committee or community or large family
and they all thought
that whatever I was doing it was wrong.
Now it was wrong to leave.
It was a problem and according to Her or them, it was My fault.
I needed direction from them.

I didn't let on that I knew what they were trying to convey.
Besides, it was only feelings I was getting.
How did I know that was what they really meant?

To Me it was so much noise and confusion that dragged on for so long,
I didn't see how they would ever do anything.
The contrast with the expansive feeling was too much.

I just wanted to do what I wanted to do.
All of this commotion was getting in the way
of finding that good feeling,

and that good feeling was why I had even wanted to be there.
Now it was too much compression.
I felt trapped and squashed.

I was going to have to break out.
I began to act big and intimidating.

Suddenly I was outraged
that anything dared be in My space and act like this.
I was outraged and enraged!

I was going to burst out ~~~
and then I realized that it felt like there were hooks in Me.
I might not escape with all of Me that way.
I might be ripped or damaged, even torn apart by them
as though they had become the monsters of Hell.

All of their shenanigans (sic) taught Me something.
Two can play at this game.
I became even more secretive and self-protective.
I decided I would be clever and find ways to resume My freedom and independence
without them even knowing what I was doing.
Since they were always nudging Me
to adjust Myself to be different,
I became an actor.
How else was I going to preserve Myself?

I presented what they wanted Me to be in order to get what I wanted.
Why not?
They didn't see Me for Myself.
They didn't accept Me as I was.
They were trying to recreate Me according to what they wanted Me to be.
I'd play along.

All their attempts to integrate with Me were spy missions.
I knew it then.
what did I have to learn from them anyway?
They were always miserable, dissatisfied, complaining and quarreling.
They could argue with each other.
I could leave a guilt replacement of Me
and it wouldn't even be noticed.
She didn't know Me anyway and didn't try
because She didn't like Me.
She only wanted what She could get.

I began to face and leave a guilt presence in My place.
The hooks could have it.
I took with Me only that which agreed with Me already.

July 21, 2012: What is "A guilt replacement of Me" ????? "A guilt presence in My place"??????????????
[Thoughts, while copying this from a few loose paper clippings on July 14, 2012:
Except for "feeling" and "thinking"
there was "experiencing", "communicating" and "doing".
How do those connect to feeling and thinking, Will and Spirit?
July 21: It's said clearly on the first page of the Blue Book!]





Drifting in, what had been so recently a void, involved only in My reverie and with a few voices behind My ear who were agreeing with Me, observing the same things I was and enjoying them in the same way I was, I was suddenly startled and shocked into splits I did not know I was making; splits so ancient that those personifying them do not know there was anyone else there either. They think they are the oldest thngs in Creation also, but they do not remember it the same way I do.

They have other parts they have played, other roles they have taken and other points of view that became imprinted in them. One thng they will find, though, is that they all have the same original imprinting that I have. It all stems from this moment, no matter what tangent they have taken from there.

In the ancient, misty sea of essence, all was imprinted by this moment. I went past so many things there, I have gone back over this and over this.

I have found a sexual rage that left Me so early there I did not even know it was with Me. It was quick and heartless. It did not look to see how it was affecting anything around it. It did not care. It wanted what it wanted, when it wanted it. It has gone after women as though they have no right to stop or slow its sexual advances, and even as though they have no rights at all.

These rage fragments have made worship of body and sex their only religion. They have nothing in their mind but ancient imprinting. The imprinting there has pursued the original turn-on by attempting to recreate the original circumstances. It does not want to allow any interference to that end and goes to great lengths to

ensure that.

It hates to move rage. It does not think that it needs to. It does not believe that it has any rage unless it is provoked. As long as it gets its own way, it never moves any emotion. It has a contained excitement it feels at getting its own way and a cold hatred toward those impeding it when it does not. It has conducted rapes of all sorts and concocted elaborate rituals involving the use of women.

These fragments make sure they get their own way sexually, no matter what the energy field or the signs and sounds of resistance might be. They have even drawn excitement from the rejection, the "no," and the signs and sounds of hesitation , fear and resistance, because going past that was their original agenda when they left Me. They have cruel ways, too, because there is no Heart presence there.

I have pondered this heartlessness for a long time and have now understood that they left Me so early that Heart presence was not formed and Spirit presence was not recognized. I did not know why they had the feelings they had because I had not noticed My own there. I noticed only feelings of moving to save Myself as a victim at the hands of the Will.

These fragments have turned on Me. They have hated Me for denying My rage there, which is them.They have hated Me and called Me weak because I did not move to stop and control the Will and ran instead. They have made sure the Will polarity, and women especially cannot move in any way that threatens them. Any resistance, real or perceived, is handled harshly.

They have wanted to make sure the other side is down so far it cannot come up, but never admits this openly. Instead, this rage has maintained that it is not even frightened or threatened at all. It does not like any mention of fear and does not think it is manly to even talk of such things as real emotion . Emotion is for women and the weak who have no gumption or spine. They hate those kind and never let them near unless they want to use them for something.

They have going past resistance of others to present in so much of their imprinting that they cannot form relationships that are real, have friends that are real or do anything other than impose their own ways and squelch all resistance. They cannot even have a discussion without labeling it an argument they must win. They have no place to go because they must always be right, and so they cannot learn anything new. No one can tell them anything.They have only the old original imprinting telling them they must prevail and have it their own way, or they will lose everything.

Sex is a major issue for them because they do not form relationships or love in which to have it. If they do seem to have a relationship, it is only for the sake of appearances. They don't notice it, but they present appearances because of the judgments I put on My rage there that what I wanted to do was not acceptable they do not usually have sex with the partner there unless it is to produce the appearance of children. If they have children, they dominate and control them. Even then, it is difficult for them to function in that setting because they hate being required to have sex instead of controlling everything that is happening there according to this old imprinting. They often rely on consciousness-altering substances and other means to get them to a state of arousal there.

These rage fragments have to go, just as the dinosaurs had to go, because it is not possible for them to move into Heart presence with only the imprinting they have to work with there.

Nonetheless, they have not gone yet and, so far, have viewed themselves as much more parental than I am, and much less guilty. They hate guilt and the guilt presentaton that I originally made when I gave the appearance of agreeing with the Will about holding back sexually.

They don't regard guilt as any kind of presence other than a rag doll impersonator to be manipulated by Her. They hate being manipulated by the Will polarity or by any women.They have complete domination in mind. If they cannot move past this imprinting,they need to move to another place to do it. They were so sure they had what they needed there, as was I, originally, that they did not stop to take anything else into consideration. But the difference between Me and them is that they left Me without any of the rest of the consciousness that has developed since then. They had sexual excitation in mind and nothing else present there with them except what had happened already.

They might still insist that they have the parental position, because they have had the experience they have had, which, they have argued, was the experience I was originally seeking, should have had and did not let Myself have. They might argue, still, that my path is no more valid, and even less valid, than theirs because they have pursued My original intent, but there is no lost Will that can hold the parental position, and they clearly left Me. I know that now.

It is only a matter of time until I will have moved enough rage to reclaim this original lost essence, and then there will be no place they can go except into Me to feel the love that will have infused and gentled the rage by then.
The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

In the meantime, Father of Manifestation pieces need to move as much of their sexual rage and their rage over issues of power as possible to give their Will a chance to get free of this ancient imprisonment by old imprinting.


For a long time, I did not want to look back, go back or even remember anything about these original experiences. It was much too painful and long buried under the belief that it was not possible, necessary or even advisable to do this. The veneer of civilization was being busily polished, and it seemed advisable, and in the best interests of all concerned, to let bygones be bygones, let old memories lie sleeping and buried and to stir no cauldrons of unknown outcome.

I, for One, was not proud of My old primordial self and did not want it to look as though I had not progressed past that. I hesitated to look favorably upon anything as Me that did not reflect the loving self I had wanted to be there. The first denial made was against the original self. Nothing since then has been real, because it was never allowed to evolve. It was first denied because it had rage. Next terror was denied and then heartbreak. Everything that has happened since was pasted on top of that and cannot evolve until these denials are healed.

I denied this rage, originally in the name of being loving, and it did not look like I had done the wrong thing, given the reflection it was presenting out there. Given the Heart presence that was lost there, it is no wonder it was looking that way, I did not notice the Heart loss there. I had to notice it by going back and looking for it when I did not like the lack of loving presence in My relationship efforts.

I had always viewed Myself as loving, and therefore, never thought of it as other than the woman's fault, which is how imprinting read it then. Actually, there is a lot more to the story than that, and I have to give another part of it now.

My Heart has been cruising with Me in the beginning when We encountered the Will essence and got Our shock there. I wanted to go toward the feelings I was experiencing there. Heart had been urging Me to, I thought, but when the Will hesitated, Heart began to hold back.

Suddenly We had a split and it was with Spirit too, although I did not realize it then. Our split was over sexuality. I wanted to


go ahead, and They did not. I was very binary at that stage of My development. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not. I moved past Them without even realizing I had done it. I felt that I must pursue these feelings, and They did not want to make a shift in Our reality. I was ready to make a shift sudddenly and They were not.

I was angry at Them for pulling back as though They were not going to go into this with Me. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not. I did not like the idea that My new focus meant that I could not also have my old one because They were going to abandon Me there. Either They were with Me and wanted to do what I wanted to do, or They were not.

I did not notice My own binary thought process here. I was not developed enough yet. When My companions hesitated and told Me to move slower, I did not like the feeling of being held back and concluded that They could not be feeling what I was feeling if They wanted Me to hold back. I felt like a split was the only response to have there, but I did not even notice it had happened until Heart was gone except for the part that agreed with Me.


Heart did not know what had happened there either. He needed to go through a lot more than He was given the opportunity to do there to realize how He felt and what his right place was. Heart has to go back now, also, and learn what He missed there, which is just about everything He needs to make His own relationships work. Heart never knew how he felt, because He was not given enough time in the beginning.

It is not possible to move out the old conditioning of what happened there without moving into a lot of pain
. This has to be gone into now, and it is going to take a long time to get to a place of feeling good there. Heart has many issues to go through, and Heartbreak is only one of them. Heartbreak needs to be looked at much more deeply than it has been in the past, My own included.

I did not know Heart then. I thought it was only a voice in My head, and that I was essentially talking to Myself. I had no concept of love yet other than a feeling of goodness toward Myself. I did not have the concept of others to be good toward or not good toward.

I wanted to please Myself and I thought I knew how to do that. I had focused entirely on Myself as I knew Myself to be and had


not thought there might be others. I more created them [sic] by ignoring or shoving out thoughts I didn't want to have or listen to at the time they presented themselves.

Let them go someplace else, was My undercurrent, and this set up a wave of separate pieces feeling alienated from one another and not thinking they could agree or have an alignment.

Heart felt alienated from Me already there and did not like it that I did not listen to Him unless it pleased Me. Heart had His own ideas and plans, and He wanted to have a mate as part of this. I wasn't sure I did. I distrusted Heart on this. I did not look toward relationship as anything that felt good, or even workable, to Me.

Heart felt immediately guilty that He was the cause of this, because the first experience that I had had in relationship was with Him. Heart was trying to please Me, but Heart was also trying to prove HImself right, and I did not like that. He did not think I was going to dislike relationship and was trying to urge Me to go into it and try it out. I did not like Heart's urgings there or where He was asking Me to look.

Heart was urging Me to feel love toward the essence that was coming forward around My focus, but I was not sure that was really what I felt. I wanted to have my own space and have relationship the way I wanted it and when I wanted it.

I did not like this cozying up thing and pretending We're all One when I did not like the essence that was cozying up to Me all that much. It all meant trouble to Me. It all wanted something; usually something I had to do for it. It even accused Me of taking so much for Myself that there was not enough left for it. My response at being made to feel accused that way was, why didn't they make their own thing happen, and then there wouldn't be anyone there but them to have all of it? They could be masters of their own kingdom, in other words, and I'd have Mine.

Heart did not like the sound of this, but tried to build Himself as separate from Me and make His own place. As soon as Heart did this, I felt a rivalry arise betweeen Us that I did not like. I wished I had never let Heart out to have his own voice, or anything else for that matter.

Take everything He learned from Me and try to outdo Me: That's a fine how-do-you-do!

I moved past Heart there many times to let Him know I did not like His approach to life. I did not honor His efforts, seeing only what He had stolen from Me there. If He made any addition, change or evolution in it, I did not appreciate that either. I felt threatened instead

today, on Sept. 14, 012, Starchild Dina sent a link to an incredible dance Need your heart / Dubstep
and someone comments: It's not your computer lagging, it's the dancer lagging

From Hermann Hesse's Late Poems,
re-discovered on Shabbat Eve Sept. 14, 2012
Gewitter im Juni

Sonne krankt, Gebirge kauert,
Schwarze Wetterwolkenwand
Mit geduckten Kraeften lauert,
Niedig flattern scheue Voegel,
Graue Schatten uebers Land.

Donner, lange schon zu heren,
Poltert lauter lost und klingt
Herlich auf zu Paukenchoeren,
Draus trompetenhell und golden
Blitz um Blitz den Schwall durchdringt.

Regen stuertz in dichten Guessen
Glaesern, kalt und silberfahl,
Rennt in Baechen, rauscht in Fluessen
Wild wie lang verhaltenes Schluchzen
Nieder ins erschreckte Tal
Juni 1953

See the Hebrew song: I want to cry

Lately a tune created itself to a familiar poem:
"Seltsam im Nebel zu wandern... Leven ist Einsamkeit"

The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

I did not let Him know that. I disguised it instead, because I feared He had in mind to build Himself a place that would outdo My place, outdo Me and push Me out of the dominant position I wanted to have.

I moved against Heart, making it all a competition He could never win. I made sure of that. I stacked it against HIm, and the judge was always Me.

When He first came along, I did not know I needed to make Him any place or give Him any say of His own, because the only part He brought forward was the part that agreed with Me, and so I did not see Him as anything other than Me and My own thoughts there. As soon as He disagreed, I did not make space for Him either, other than to push that part out on its own without any more relationship with Me.

I might as well have disowned Him there, and He has hated Me for this, more than He has ever let Himself know, ever since. He felt disowned and on His own at a very early age, without any of the parental guidance He was wanting to have.

He did not let Me know He cared about Me there either. Instead, He set about building a rival kingdom to overthrow Me. I did not care. I did not let Myself know He posed any threat to Me. This was what I wanted Him to do, I said; until He began forming an alignment with Spirit.

I first noticed this when They split with Me over having sex with the Will. When They pulled back, I did not like it. When the Will did not receive Me the way I wanted Her to, it looked like They were all aligned against Me.

I feared it, but I did not let Myself notice that part for a long time. I converted My fear and feelings of displacement into telling Them that if They were going to treat Me like that, I was going to beat Them at Their own game. If They did not like it or did not think I would or could, all They needed to do was watch Me do it. I had far greater size, strength, power, experience and know-how than They did.

So what was I going to do about it if They did not like My plan and opposed Me sexually? Just watch! And watch They did, because I pushed past Them with whatever wanted to go for it the way I did without even noticing Them as anything more than My own troublesome, unaligned thought patterns that would not let Me direct and control them to get them moving the way I wanted them to.

I pushed past anything Heart had to say there that I did not


like and only kept the part of Heart that wanted to move along with Me. We were going out on a fuck fest and didn't care who thought what about it. Heart wasn't separate from Me there, so He certainly wasn't going to have anything to say about it that wasn't what I would say, and I wasn't going to have anything to say about it. I was just going for it, and that was all.

I grabbed the essence that was moving along with Me and treated it like a female whether it was or not. I didn't care as long as it received Me in an orifice of some kind. I moved rage this way and plenty of it. I was roaring and growling and moving with a sexual ferocity that was going to unleash My sexual frustration. I had rage at anything that got in My way. I rolled over more essence than I had time to feel or care about.

I got to the top of My upward rushing spiral and found that I had another fantasy woman in My arms. This one wanted to have sex with Me. She had the look of desire in her eyes that I needed to see there. She had the look of lust that gave Me the sexual arousal I wanted to have there. She smelled intoxicating. It was like a drug, and I drank it in as though I had to have it.

We had sex, and I did not know there was any problem until I wanted to leave and go looking for My next thrill. Then She grabbed Me, just like the first one had. I did not like this at all and moved past Her as quickly as I had the first One. On to the next, was My plan.

I gave her no compassion or understanidng there. I just moved past her. What did she need? She was my fantasy, and when I didn't need her anymore, she was supposed to be gone. Some of My rage fragments left Me here with this much of the imprinting in place, because I did not like Myself here and dumped out plenty.

I had more pain and frustration than rage by then, but I did not let Myself notice that. I felt terribly thwarted and displaced from My original pictures of how it was supposed to go and blamed everything that had ever disagreed with Me as the cause of that. I was determined to make a place for Myself where I could have it My own way, be right and have sex. The rest did not matter to Me then, I thought. It was just a lot of complication I wanted to live without.

Please, make it My way, was my prayer there, because by then, I felt out of control and not in the power position anymore. I did not let myself notice this either. Instead, I did another conversion and made Purple, which is where I was when this happened, feel pushed out of the power position I felt it was trying to assume there.


I hated any contest for My position. It was like a horror movie in which I had created the characters. The leading man was supposed to be Me there with the leading woman, but instead of being able to step into the movie and take My role, the leading role in the movie had come to life and pushed Me out of the way.

My fatasy woman was now there with another man who was not recognizing that he was supposed to be Me. How this had happened, I did not know, but when she looked at Me with those eyes, I gave her nothing back but pain. She hated Me for that, but she had made him more important than I was.

I could not stand anything making Me feel more displaced than I felt I was already. She had him in My place and was now looking at him with those eyes as if she wanted the same thing from him she had waned from Me. He was now the recipient of her lustful looks of desire. I went crazy and wanted to destroy her, and him too for that matter, but I did not let Myself move.

I was too frozen with other feelings I did not recognize.
I hated him there. He was every bit the man I wanted to be and then some [sic]. How had he gotten to be so perfect, and how had he pushed Me to the side where I felt so little and powerless? I could not stand his sexual vibration either. It was so much more gentle than Mine.

I decided to take My right place. He was not playing the leading role the way I wanted it to be played. He was leaving her too long, dripping in her wet desire without moving into her. He didn't know what to do with her, and I did. I tried to move toward her.

She seemed to be calling Me, wanting Me, beckoning Me, even lusting for Me, but when I moved toward her, she did not respond to Me as though she noticed Me as anything other than the man who was already holding her in his arms.

This was a double horror movie now. I couldn't get into it, and I couldn't get him out. He was there in My place, and I could not get through some kind of barrier he had put in My way. She seemed to see Me at times though, and when he saw her reaching for Me, he restrained her arms so she could not reach for Me anymore. He still did not move sexually and seemed to be punishing her instead.

What kind of a sick scenario was he trying to create there in My place? He was like a villain to Me now, and I felt that I needed to rescue her. I moved past him there without knowing how I had done it. I grabbed her and took her sexually in his presence. When he could only watch, I was glad. Now he could see how it was supposed to be done. When She acted like She didn't want to be rescued thee, I thought She was sicker than He was if She liked

The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

His bondage and punishment more than She liked My sexuality.

I had to move past him there. He would not let Me in the movie. He was exerting some kind of pressure against Me there, and I considered it totally unfair since he had stolen My place. I pushed him out of the way when I took her sexually, and then pushed her away when she would not admit that she liked what I had done there.

The heart had been pushed out already, so it didn't matter to Me what happened to these purple people. I had had the feeling that purple was the color of My passion, and now it was having the feeling of My repeating failure to find sexual satisfaction anywhere I went. It even seemed like a prayer of Mine to not have sexual feelngs anymore because it was not right, good or loving and was only causing trouble, pain, suffering, turmoil, separation, and most of all, lack of peace.

Peace, after all, was what I had been seeking in the beginning. I remembered it there and how far I had come from that place. I went back into tha place in Purple. I blamed the Will for seducing Me and drawing Me into those feelings. I tried to find My original peace and never wanted to move sexually again.

It did not work. My meditation was haunted by sexual feelings. It was not long before I had a new fantasy woman. This one was laughing at Me for trying to get rid of My draw to her. This one was Blue. She looked cooler and seemed to be saying I would not get in as much trouble this time because I would be able to keep My head. She was holding out her arms as if to say, "If she won't give You what You want, I will. Come on, big boy."

I hated seeing this image within Me. As much as possible, I avoided looking at it, but it grew within Me until. I could not help but try to go after it again I tried and tried to get rid of My sexual feelings in response to that image. I pushed them down and out so many times I cannot count them. but it was to no avail. I was a hopeless sexual pervert junkie, and I left My place of peace in search of pussy; dripping, hot, lustful and desire-filled pussy. I could not contain Myself anymore. I ran looking for the girl in My fantasies to have sex with her.

At first, she seemed to like it more than I ever thought was going to be possible. Then I had a feeling of wanting to leave and go back into My place of peace again, and she would not let Me go. I did not know where she had come from or how to get back out of this picture, but I had to go, and she was holding Me back from leaving.

I felt held down and controlled. I felt desperate and panicky, and rage broke loose again. I began to rage and fuck her violently at the same time, hoping she wouldn't like Me anymore and would then reject Me like the others had. She would not let Me go, even then. She even seemed to like it more than I did. I felt her hooks go into Me there.

I really had to go then. I broke loose from her . Rolling out of control into the space around Us, I rolled over Green and other colors that were unnoticed as of yet. My actions imprinted these colors as being unimportant, in the way, in the wrong place at the wrong time. unwanted and powerless to protect themselves in the face of the unexpected, among other things.

I felt like a fool who had been lured and tricked into yet another painful scenario of heartbreak. I was never going to let that happen to Me again. I felt more pain there than I had imagined possible and dumped out plenty of Heart, telling it never to let Me open to those kinds of feelings ever again.

I made a vow to always protect Myself in any kind of involvement I might ever have and never to leave Myself open and vulnerable like that again. I was a three time loser, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's where the saying came from. If there was anything below that, I wasn't going to find out about it or let it hurt Me in any way. I was going to keep a gap between Me and it for as long as I lived.


Heart was urging Me to move toward the original woman, and I was not sure I wanted to because fantasy woman seemed like all I needed there. I was afraid of something that might not like Me the way I wanted Her to. I gave Heart another reason, though, that I might not like Her the way He wanted Me to. I wasn't sure He was urging Me toward anything real anyway, so why not move along and see what happened instead of going for anything in particular?

Heart was insistent that I try Her, saying that She wanted Me already. I felt sure that this was not the case and that fantasy woman was all I needed.

"No,' Heart insisted, going toward Her whether I wanted to or not.

Heart was almost moving past Me there, going for the Will. I shoved Him in a part of Myself, saying here, "If You need Her and

want Her so much, You have Her."

I gave Him no help there because I was not letting Him know I wanted Her too. He became a competitor then in the part I did not acknowledge that felt left out and too inept to be the one to go toward Her in reality.

On the way, Heart found something coming up toward Him from Her. He was not sure if it was Her or not. I felt like Her, only much softer and younger. This was Her youthful Heart responding to My youthful Heart, but We did not know it then. It surged toward Him with such majesty, such exquisite grace and such breathtaking aroma that He was taken aback and did not know how to move to response to it.

Instead of realizing He was its inspiration, He felt suddenly awkward and inept in its presence, like a young man about to propose something to his first love, suddenly stumbling over his own feet and tongue, rendered speechless by her intoxicating presence, while she, oblivious to her own beauty, wonders if he does not like her the way she hoped he would.

Young love could have been born there in a dance so beautiful that each could have seen themselves reflected in the other's graceful beauty, awesome tenderness, enticing rhythm and delicious sensuality, but neither One realized in Their awe of the Other that They were seeing a reflection of Themselves, and heartbreak was born instead.

Where I pushed Heart, He fell past Her with a lack of grace so painful to Him that He could not face Her anymore. I smirked, feeling I had just made sure She was going to be Mine, not His.

She stopped, confused that I now appeared to be in Her path, and He had gone on past Her as suddenly as He had come. She thought She had been mistaken that He wanted Her, and that He was interested in the Mother instead. He coyly pretended interest in the Mother, watching Her all the while. Meanwhile, the Mother there thought no one liked Her, or We only pretended to like Her while really being interested in someone else; someone else more young and beautiful.

On the way, Heart found something coming toward Him from Her. He was not sure how He felt about this because He was not sure if it was the Mother or not. He felt something so exquisitely soft and enticing inviting Him to dance that He was not sure how to respond at first. He grew frightened that this was not the right
The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

thing for Him to be dong there.

Enticing aroma wafted toward Him from Her presence. She was irresistible to Him, yet He was supposed to resist Her because She was the Mother, and He was not supposed to have Her himself. He lusted for Her forbidden fruit and wondered why She should be so forbidden if I was too stubborn, stupid or whatever I was to come for Her

He gave in to Her intoxicating aroma and fell as if in a drugged state, hideously and awkwardly at Her feet, unable to move any further. When He arose, He could not face Her anymore and thought it would be impossible for Him to have a mate, because He could not do any more than I could there. He retreated to Me, and together, We lamented Our lack of finesse in the situation.

I hesitated there with Heart's urging. I wanted to go forward, but encouraged Him to be an emissary in some way. He felt more urgent than I did anyway, I did not like moving toward somethng that had not given Me any indication that it wanted Me yet. I was making up My mind when Heart rushed past Me as if He knew better than I did. I thought He must be the right one to go to this place, but I did not like it that He went first.

I wanted to be the One to go first and felt like Heart was making Me the follower now. What was I going to do now, come dragging up behind like some shy boy who couldn't make his own proposal? What space could possibly be left for Me now? Never mind that He felt the Mother more than I did there. He did not need to go rushing past Me like someone out of control and with His own agenda. I hated HIm there and did not let Him know.

He found something on His way that I wanted more than what He had been urging Me toward anyway, so I pushed Him where He claimed to be going and took this essence for Myself. It was young and tender, delicate and entrancing, seductive as shimmering veils of exquisite color and tantalizing aroma, undulating in a sea of soft light and rippling rhythms.

Primordial rhythms began to stir in Me as I saw this exquisite sight. The Heart of the Mother slowly twirled and danced before Me. Like a man falling into a stupor, I fell at Her feet. I was hopelessly lost to Her wiles. Her charm and Her grace totally mesmerized Me into doing anything She wanted Me to do. I was helpless in Her gaze. I could not think of anything other than more feelings of this sort and never letting it stop. I became hypnotized by Her spell and followed Her everywhere that she went.

I could not get free of Her call. Like a sailor irresistably drawn
[see the famous song about the Loreley in my SONG_GAME , including images]]

by the siren's call, I went to Her no matter what the Mother said or did. I could not breathe in Her presence, but I did not care. I wanted Her to overtake Me and carry Me off into Her world of make believe where I had no cares of My own. I was suddenly like an old man, worn down by the weight of the world, lifted in the love of youthful arms to a place of sweet surrender where I could drink the nectar of everlasting renewal from Her lips.

I thought My very life was dependent upon what She had to give Me without realizing that She was the love of the Mother for Me and that I needed to let Her bond with My heart as a gift from the Mother on My way to Her.

I could not move past Her. I was too weak, too scared and too immature Myself to know what I was doing there. I was like a bee, so drunk on the flower's nectar he never gets to the part he is looking for and doesn't even know it's there really.

I did not know that My sudden awareness of Myself as adolescent, so to speak, had an evolutionary path it needed to take. I gravitated toward My own satisfaction there, and it was not the Mother first. It was Her Heart, but I did not know it then. I drank in the feelings of love there like a thirsty man and did not think it was any other than the original Will essence that Heart had pointed Me toward. He felt more right to Me now that I liked this place, and I was surprised to feel Him responding in a negative manner to My being thee.

First You say go, then You say stop, was my outlook on this. I did not see His problem because He was nothing separate from Me there either, and I didn't know He wanted to be. When I realized He did and that He wanted this exquisite piece of essence for His mate, I was shocked, amazed, hurt and enraged.

I was fearful too, but that was the most denied in Me for some reason. It gave Me no power would be My guess now, but then it was just moving past something that felt like it had nothing to offer Me that I wanted. I wanted My place with Heart's Will and did not know it was not My place. It felt so good there I did not want for anything else for along time.

After a long time, I did realize there was something missing. It was the Mother Herself, but Heart had been with Her, and it did not seem like She needed Me anymore. She was always with Heart, acting like She did not need Me anymore. She was always looking at Me with Heart's Will and not liking what She saw. It did not seem right to Her.

To Me, it was Her jealousy that wanted to be with Me and did


not like it that I was with Her Heart instead. She did not want Heart as Her mate, while I was moving along sexually with Heart's Will. I thought Heart's Will was the Mother then, and when She said that the Mother was not ready to have sex with Heart or She would not be holding back that way, I believed Her.

The feeling was not right there more than just a not being ready. The Mother did not like it that I did not recognize this Myself, move past My infatuation with Heart's Will and come to Her. She was enraged, in fact, but She did not let Me know that in the beginning.She held back, hoping I would move toward Her on My own so that She could know I wanted to be with Her.

I didn't think She knew my lack of ability to feel Her there. I was used to looking with My eyes and seeing what I thought was happening. She had a different crientation, which was feeling into the situation.

She felt superior to Me there and when She finally approached Me, She approached Me with Her rage as though I was an idiot of some sort and as though Her daughter had betrayed Her and tried to take Her place. She is still suspicious.

She had a lot of daughters there, like flowers in a garden, and I was moving around like a bee They were just as lovely and delicious as colors can be when you bathe in them and luxuriate in their vibration and scent. I wanted to taste their flavors. Although it was true that no one of them had it all, each one had something to offer. Each had something I was looking for but could not find in one place.
The Mother did not think it was at all appropriate to have sexual experiences with young daughters when I was so much older; clearly older, She kept telling Me, which I did not like hearing.

I wanted to say I was just getting ready for the Mother like a young man taking lessons in a brothel, but the Mother did not like My approach at all. Hey, I didn't know. I had never been parented. I needed to grow up too, I told Her.

I had no intent of being parented, but I used that excuse whenever it worked for Me. Basically, I did not want to be troubled. It was a little boring there, yes, but when it was, I could go to sleep like a male lion.

The Mother looked difficult, angry and scolding to Me, and I did not like the feeling there. The daughters had a sweetness that was missing in Her. What Heart must have been urging Me toward must have been what He saw and wanted to go toward. This must

p. 25

be it because He wanted to be here too, but He would not leave the Mother by Herself.

Why She wouldn't come here and have fun like the rest of Us, I did not know. I felt like more of Her seriousness. Her feeling tone was that She wanted Me all to Herself and wasn't going to share Me with anyone. I was not sure She was worth putting my whole self into and didn't see any advantage to doing it that way. Where was that going to get Me? When I had any problem now, I just moved to the next. It was quite easy, really, and that's how I wanted life to be.

Finally, I needed something else. The Mother was still enraged because She had wanted that to be Our courtship and not Me with Heart's Will. My Heart had a problem there too, because He felt like now He was going to get His mate after I had used up Her youth and the flower of Her virginity. She was like a harem or brothel maiden to Him now and not the Heart He was originally going toward.

I told Him I was just preparing Her for Him as He should have been preparing the Mother for Me, but it did not look or feel that way to Him. He had feelings aligned with the Mother there that I had done something that was not right. I wasn't about to let that get pinned on Me, so I moved past Him there and the Mother too when She had the same viewpoint.

Now I 'm sorry, but that does not make it different and it is not possible to change it now. They were the colors dancing to please Me, and the Mother had lost the flower of Her youth waiting for Me to arrive. Heart lost His youthful and innocent exuberance for romance. He was bitter, and the Mother was too. He had no right to be bitter I told Him, I did not know, and He did not let Me know.

"I tried to tell You," He said, "but You never listen to Me."
The seventh, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

A Healing of the Chakras

Dedicated to The Healing of the Gap and the Survival of Love

continuation of the Red Book's first 30 pages, with the chapter "HEART'S OWN STORY" in "RedSeaPartnerShip>The Raft"

Shabbat, September 15, 2012 [Lior Oren's birthday]

G-mail announces new posts on Facebook,
and that's how I learn, that my grand-
daughter has gone to Germany,
to Stuttgart out of all places,
and taken this picture of the town,
where I was born in 1938

G-mail also sends me my "twin-brother's"
blesssings and image to Rosh-Hashanah.
It shows the genius mathematician,
Moshe Klein opening his complex world,
to kindergarden children.
But he also attaches - again- his warning
concerning "the Crisis of the Atom".

We both see our task in "Saving the Planet",
though neither understand's the other's
concepts, informations and understandings.
"Who knows, perhaps we
complement each other!"