Bio-Training to wrestle with T

2003_04_27; last update; 2003_05_31 [see - below - a crucial insight on Febr.18, 2011]

It's 2 weeks now, since Tomer parted from me, to be with his father abroad.
And I am still working on understanding and assimilating the gifts-for-growth
bestowed on me by this great grandson-teacher.

In gathering and studying the photos and exchange of letters since May 2002,
I see, that I was being trained gradually before full exposure to this teacher.

July 2002

Long before our "133 Day Intensive" we experienced each other in different situations,
not only in my home , but walking on the Titorah, riding on my bicycle, until it was stolen,
creating "a house" or "a camp", not only in Nature, but even in the park behind his house,
or in different summer pools (2000, 2001, 2002), where I taught him how to swim properly.

Tomer

his brother
Alon

and Jonathan,
his cousin
,
with grandma,

and the help of my daughter's car,

in the swimming pool of
Neve-Shalom,

2002_08_01

or together with my other grandchildren, like with Rotem, my daughter's daughter,

and most significant for past and present and future
around Tomer's fifth birthday:
our healing walk in the desert:

Dec. 2001

"While the four spoke,
and my heart broke,
an angel sat
on my lap.

April 2002

"Tomer had entered silently - unlike his ugly behavior in the presence of others,
and he - who shunned all physical contact with me - climbed on to my knees.

When I finally sort of banged the door, if there would have been one,
I said to Tomer: "Let's pack and leave this shitty place as fast as possible."
But Angel Tomer said: "No! We'll go to the Crater, as you said we would."
I was stunned.
"But you didn't like our walk to the Crater last time.
You whined and complained."
"We'll go to the Crater now", he commanded.
I recognized the voice of that angel
who always appears on the abyss into which I'm about to fall.

We hurried up the wadi to our far away "Rachel" succah,
packed, cleaned, came back, hid our stuff somewhere
and walked -grandmother and grandson- to the Crater.

Tomer was cheerful and shared observations instead of complaints,
and, as usual, found something, an earthen saucer, "made-in" Lima!
It was whole, impeccable, - not broken and glued as I guard it now.
For years I had had the feeling, that it would be Peru,
where I would erect the first Succayah outside Israel.
How on earth did Lima/Peru reach out for me in the Negev Desert?
And what for?
Could it be, that a representation of a 'Flying Saucer' came to tell me,
"You have completed your task
of physically realizing your Desert Vision!"
This meaning comes to my mind now, while I'm sculpting that experience.

When we came back, picked up our things, walked to the road,
and stood there hoping, one of the rare cars would take us north,
I observed that most of my pain and bitterness had melted away.

Sarit Hadaad - SALAM

All the names, all the faces
open wide open the hearts.
All the nations & all the neighbors:
joy belongs to the one who loves
All the colors and all the sounds
sing with the same breath
all the languages and instruments
a string vibrating in the soul.

Music, music plays love
Music of peace and calm
Welcome, oh Salaam,
Salaam for the world,
Shalom for everyone

Sarit Hadaad - SHALOM

All the dreams for all the peace
return to the same prayer,
that floats above the Middle East
and soars up to Heaven.
All the voices and all the sounds
dance in the same rhythm
all the drums and all the flutes
it's a song of us all at this time.

Tomer's "identity cards" always include a heart.
In honor of his contribution of hearts to this site
I now (2003_05_02) return to a Godchannel file,
and delight in the 2 verbal contributions there,
which seem to complement Tomer's images.

See almost the same new composition now in Learn&Live16>Febr.12,2011

When my son started to work in USA
I replaced him on "daddy's day".
From an e-mail on June 6, 2002
to Immanuel, Tomer's father:

Tomer and Alon would stay with me, and towards dinner, even Elah..
On that date - as mostly - also 5 other grandkids kids were with me,
it was like a kindergarden, with (11) & Rotem (9) as teachers.
While sitting in the tent Alon had built, they were to do HeArtWork.

A cut-out heart, serving
as window for Itamar,
while working
in the tent,
and Rotem's completed heart,
outside my door,
indicating
that this is
"the house of
Rachel"

I found the English word "Art" hidden in the English word "He-Art",
when a little later Tomer, who downloaded images from the internet,
called me to see a beautiful animation of a burning heart,
which matched Israel's Eurovision song : "Light a candle".
Looking now at the sculpture of that event makes me see,
how both, Tomer and I, were training
towards helping each other to balance
God's HEART.

When
the seven
rested
from
working
on
HeArt

Tomer
sat apart.

The next day he would sing about HEART

from pp18-Maryam, 2002_06_23; last update: 2003_04_28

I'm lifting myself up from a depression
in order to create a little sculpture.

It's about my "Yes"&"Giving"-pattern,
behind which is an obsession to be good
and to be judged as good by people.

Exhausted by too many grandchildren the last week,
and more so by the weekend with the most strenuous ones,
I was happy to have a day off except for an hour with Tomer.

But at 7 AM Ronnit asked, if she could bring sick Itamar.
Since I had an appointment at the dentist's,
I could take him only for an hour and a half.
Itamar, dentist and T "finished" the morning.

I meekly accepted this reality, or so it seemed.
In hindsight it was a buildup for a huge trigger.

At 1.45 AM Tomer was to be fetched by his brother.
But Alon called and asked me to take care of Tomer,
since he wanted to be with a friend.
I said bluntly "no", only to withdraw immediately:
"I need to be alone ,
but neither do I want to spoil your time with your friend."
Alon said, he would call his sister Elah and ask her to help.

I was just about to send Tomer away,
when his new friend from upstairs came in.
Again, I had the strength to say to this boy:
"Ask your mother, if you and Tomer can stay at your place,"
only to sacrifice the rest I so badly needed,
when the boys came down with the mother.
She said kindly, "not now, because I need to rest".
"In this case - I don't want to disappoint the boys!"
We fixed, that the boys would stay with me for half an hour.

As if to punish me, Tomer's friend Uriyah was joined by his brother Yehoo,
and then they let another neighbor boy in without even asking me.
I dreaded the consequences.
And they came in less than 2 minutes.
One boy hurt himself and cried,
and another started to quarrel with Tomer.
I caught them just before they hit each other
and told them angrily to go home.
"And you go home, too", I said to Tomer.
He got mad at me like hell,
hurled insults and ran out of the door.
And I - I heard myself yelling after him:
"That's for having been so good, that you kick me in the face."

T 2002_06_02: "Complimenting colors"

"To sweet Daddy, to cute Daddy --- may you never get lost
---may you continue to understand in computers ----and may you return from Michigan
in great [heart image] Tomer" [as a signature in Hebrew, as an image in English]

Tomer talked to Daddy via webcam.
As if to assure him, that Daddy will "never get lost",
an angel appeared on the screen , when I photographed father and son.
[The image, downloaded from "webshot" is called "The Holy Family's Flight to Egypt"]

I threw myself on my mattress and cried with shame,
that I now would be judged as a cruel grandmother.

After a while I called Elah asking, if Tomer had arrived safely.
Relaxed, I examined how I again had created such a situation.
"What is so bad about being judged as bad?" I asked myself.

I remembered how Efrat had warned me 2 days ago:

"Your children feel, they cannot live up to your standard
of having been a totally dedicated mother
and of now being a super-grandmother."

"But I am totally dedicated only in the way I function externally.
Inside I often felt and feel ambivalent and because of that guilty."

"That does not help them to feel, that they cannot live up to you."

Now there had been a tiny chance to be a little less "good",
and already I felt, as if I deserved a death sentence.

While his father sits
at grandma's computer
to help her with something,
Tomer massages his back
tenderly or vigorously

Daddy in the USA

On May 24, 2002
Efrat hugs Tomer
at my home;
on April 24,2003,
they are in USA,
living as a family
of three

Of course, I'm not special
in this obsessiveness to be good
and to be judged as good.
Just before -
amidst his usual mischief and cheekiness -
Tomer had said suddenly:

Daddy and sister look at the computer,
while Tomer looks at Daddy,
who came for a week's visit
2002_07_03

Tomer, the Messiah,
Trying to be Good

"Did I ever lie to you?"

"I don't know now. Why do you ask?"

"Because a month ago
(it really was a month ago),
you said to Efrat,
that I now was always saying the truth."

"I said it, because before that we believed ,
that you were lying a lot."

He was silent.

"You even had the habit to deny
that you had done something,
even when you were caught doing it."

"Like if the teacher catches me hitting a child
and I say I didn't hit.
That's worse than lying.
But I didn't do that."
He laughed a little.
I didn't pressure it, but said:

"From this I understand,
that it is your intent to always say the truth."

"Yes."

"This takes a lot of courage."

"Yes, it takes courage to say the truth."

In March 2002
Tomer painted
~~~~~
"A TEAR"
~~~~~

Compassion made me sad that minute.
This child has such a hard time "to be good"
the way he believes he needs to be..
And how many kids and grownups are like him.

On the other hand,
there are creatures like me, who are "too good",
and thus don't give others a chance to feel good.
And if, God forbid, someone - like Tomer in this case -
prevents me from being or appearing good to the end,
I throw against him my lightenings and thunderbolts.

I would like to alter Tomer's sentence:
"It takes courage to appear as or to be bad".

Next Day:
The depression left, but the feelings have intensified:
Now it's not only the fear, that Tomer will judge me as a bad grandmother.
It's the fear, that I'm missing out on a gift - grandchildren - that is given to me.
It's the fear, that I don't deserve the gift and that it might be taken away from me.
What can I do, but
FEELING ALL THERE IS TO FEEL,
FEARING ALL THERE IS TO FEAR.

Comment on this sculpture on May 6, 2003:
completed on February 18, 2011
(see at the end of this column!]

Looking back on My wrestling with Tomer
in the light of this experience,
I can see this constant swinging pendulum
of indulging in too much goodness,
until a trigger makes all hell break loose.

Two of the worst situations
were the 2 birthday parties of Alon and Tomer,
which I agreed to have in my flat.

But the solution was not in drawing the line
between what I needed and what I needed.

For instance:

I needed
to give Tomer all my home,
just as much as I needed
to be alone.
I was grateful
for my foster-son's offer,
to invite the whole class
to a party,
so as to raise
Tomer's self-esteem
and to change his image
in his class.
And in fact,
as long as Levi was there,
there was pure joy and fun
and dance and togetherness.

But I hadn't taken into account,
what would happen after the party,
how ferociously Tomer would raid the gifts,
toss aside whatever did not appeal to him,
with no interest in the identity of the givers,
badly animated by those kids who stayed,
and then- and then - more horrible things,
which again I'm not permitted to tell here.

I, on my part, instead of just sitting on a chair,
and feel, what I felt, without doing anything,
went into a frenzy of putting the room in order,
in the insane hope that less chaos on the outside
would relax my nerves and help me survive.

And then, when Alon said, he was hungry,
instead of pointing to the left-over snacks,
I started to make the dough for pancakes.
What can I say except that I was crazy?

And when I was in the middle of frying ,
I heard Tomer - not asking, but demanding:

"Help me with this, why doesn't anybody help!"

but nobody budged, the kids were "busy",
and I, I was "busy" too, and yes, crazy.

Then there was a horrible scream,
Tomer had fidgeted with a device of installing a toy-electrical-cycle,
supposed to light up a tiny bulb, with the help of batteries.
Something happened with the batteries, they melted...

I now totally went out of my mind,
first because I have that electricity trauma since my accident at 15,
second, because Alon was an expert in building such cycles,
so why didn't he act as his brother's keeper,
third, because the grownups had deserted me despite my quest,
but most of all because of my utter stupidity of chasing around
instead of being there - focused, loving - with my partner Tomer.

I didnt' change. I only learnt to surrender to the fact,
that my "Loving Heart" creates such terrible situations.

And I learnt to cope with this in cooperation with Tomer.
I was not the good, wise grandmother of the fairy tales.
I was Tomer's partner-in-torment and he was mine.

February.18, 2011:
I confess, that I still ["Kineret summer 2010] haven't learnt my lesson.
But remembering that dire incident, while re-reading this sculpture,
I suddenly believe,
that "to be whole" doesn't mean to be free of flaws and blunders,
nor to be free of pain-attracting judgments like I need to be good,
If I am aware, accepting, responsible for my flaws = not their victim,
then I'm"whole" and also the "lessons" will become less and less.
February 19, 2011: "responsible" means,
that instead of judging myself and regretting my mistake,
I face the results and convert the frightful into the fruitful,
as I do with any situation, that was staged by my Cosmic Self.

Now that this term has jumped into my mind:
partner-in-torment
I feel that Tomer, too, has something to say
about the threats and demands, turned against me,
that I eliminate all pages and pictures about Tomer,
and that I not even mention his or his family's names.
I feel, that my partner-in-torment, if he knew English,
would be proud to see himself already fulfilling his task.

My present torment results from an impossible challenge:
I don't want to override those who feel overridden by me,
but neither can I agree to let them override me.
What is the difference between threats against my writing
and the threats of dictators and societies against dissidents?

I feel like putting this issue into perspective, by inserting here,
what was published towards today's Independence Day:

There are now 6.7 million people in Israel,
and 81% of them are Jews.
This means, there are 5 427 000 Jews in Israel,
including me and Tomer,
still less than the 6 millions murdered by the nation
into which I was born.

I want to close this page about my training towards wrestling with Tomer
with two scenes which occurred during that week of Immanuel's visit,
in which I was "officially appointed" as "Grandma's Noon-school" .
We celebrated Chanukka, both at my home, just the three of us,
and again with all my children and grandchildren at Micha's place.