August 2, 2010
"The real You loves itself completely.
Notice, and then commit yourself to noticing.
Embrace what you have rejected as 'not good enough…'
Embrace the God that is you as you truly are, inescapable …
yet willing to be ignored while waiting patiently for you
to find the courage to say "Yes" to all it wishes to share
with you."
[I don't remember the source
of this quote]
Testing my Wholeness in Extreme Circumstances
Situation: July 29-30-31- with Tomer and Golan to and at the Kinneret
+ one night and morning at and from the Kinneret with Tomer
As I understand: I failed myself concerning three grand values
of mine:
(A) I was - several times - terribly triggered by what I call "lack
of solidarity"
by the boys towards me and towards each other
and I realize that I never dealt with the nature of this "hole
in my wholeness"!
For this trigger is attracted
neither by "past unhealed pain",
nor by a judgment,
nor can it be healed at all,
since I do desire solidarity
between all human beings!
But how then should I deal with this trigger?
Screaming and blaming is not the way!
(B) I, two more times, succumbed to my pattern of
"wanting to please others",
combined with my dangerous weakness of not being able to stand up
to others,
I fell again into the very trap, which caused the "gate-event"
2 years ago,
and which Tomer had wanted to heal by begging me to accompany him
and Golan.
(C) I re-enacted the "tragedy"-pattern
of this life's drama:
While desiring to empower others, let them enjoy and enhance their
self-worth,
I cause them to feel even less worthy, less equal, - I actually "disempower"
them,
I
make them feel "invalidated", and this time not "by
my very presence",
but by the verbal content of some screams, when I was triggered beyond
any capacity:
"Golan! If you don't help Tomer with finding
a taxi,
but only splutter curses and dumb khokhmes,
you better shut up (tistom aet a paeh)!"
Extreme conditions: .
a) I suspected that it would be much too difficult for me,
to act as an old woman having to guard two "difficult" teenagers
and if not for Tomer's reason: "we can
create a corrective, healing experience",
I would have never entered this situation, which horrified me so much,
that my body expressed unbearable pains, a day before.
Even if the exterior conditions would have been "just at home",
with no special challenge, no "out-of-routine",
I would have refused to enter such a frightening scenario.
But the staging from the "higher realm" wanted me to enter
it.
I couldn't say "no", nor would I say "no" in hindsight,
to Tomer's quest to give us a chance to heal a past event.
b) What I did not "plan", was the extremity of heat on that
weekend,
which forced us to stay in the water for at least 10 hours per day,
thus making the assignment of guarding the - constantly diving - boys
an impossible task.
In addition:
I was careless in not having phoned Golan beforehand.
He did not grasp, that I was invited in order to guard Tomer.
Nor did he know that healing the "gate-event" was the only
reason for my joining them.
There were no agreements between us about my needing
to guard them.
In addition:
Golan was even more against "planning" anything than Tomer,
who maddened his father in a way, that he said:
"I came to the conclusion that he
has to 'fall' - in order to learn ,
that food, transport, equipment etc. have to be planned."
As to the food, I found a balance between letting them "fall"
and taking care of them,
but as to the assignment of guarding them, - partly accepted by Tomer
-
Golan kicked against it all the time, thus making my task ten times
harder.
How did this come to play such a big role?
I knew - and still am whole with this - that
I would not prevent them from any adventure.
According to a sentence in "Right Use of Will":
"If your child wants to climb a
tree, don't prohibit him from doing so,
stand below the tree with your arms open in case he'll fall."
It's exactly what I did:
I was everywhere near them, but still far enough in order to not be
"a body-guard".
But after having been worn-out by the constant concentration on
"will their heads pop out of the water?"
leave alone the lack of sleep (in a sleeping-bag, without mattrass
- on the stones)
and the heat,
I did not have enough ease and humor with small triggering events
and exploded.
These (very few!) explosions were terribly triggering for the boys
,
but when I explained to them the reason behind my being triggered,
they got it all wrong and understood that I was blaming them for having
to guard them.
I could not make them understand the difference between a specific
trigger
and the situation in which it becomes virulent and poisenous
Shoham, August 11, 2010,
9:12
I "staged" the 11 of August,
Moshe's and Ran's "star-night" as the one night,
on which I'm not needed at Shoham.
So I felt, I should participate in the Star-Night after all.
But since transport is so complicated,
I thought I could stage (not "stage"...) some meetings,
with Yanina, with Nir Gur, with Ran, with Moshe.
Yet nobody is "free", nor did I get the feeling,
that anybody was sorry for not being "free"...
I now hoped to join Immanuel and Mika for breakfast,
since I heard and saw him preparing something for both of them.
I went out to look, and saw them both on the veranda, eating,
Mika at her table, and Immanuel on a chair, eating while reading the
newspaper.
All this in addition to some more disgusting behavior from the side
of Mika,
as so often in the morning.
If she wouldn't have been so sweet again in the pool yesterday,
where I was - despite the presence of 4 "friends" - her
"one-and-all" most of the time,
I would really doubt my self-worth or the worth of my availability
and service.
"I let
you know, that the fact that people humiliate you,
can- in your case - not be prevented by "standing up to them",
or by planning a strategy and tactics that will cause them to want
you or respect you.
There is till much impurity in your availability.
You did not really want to see those friends, did you?"
But why then should I go to the Starnight?
Or shouldn't I?
Please help me now! I must reach a decision NOW!
Is it a trap?
On the other hand, if I now say to Immanuel, I will be here tomorrow
morning,
he might inquire after all, if he can do miluim [reserve-servise
in the army]early in the morning,
and Efrat had shown me, that she was not too keen on this..
"You can
trust the staging of Immanuel and Efrat
and must not interfere with this miluim thing either way.
Just see, that you made a decision some time ago,
that this week would be completely dedicated to Mika,
also in order to learn to create a relationship of respect
- by the way you are present with her and with her parents."
(Just now there was a good intermezzo,
she asked me to bind the ribbons over her nice dress,
which was a bit complicated and "promised" expressions of
impatience from her side.
So I said: "I'll do it only if you are
nice to me."
And she, indeed, made an effort to control her behavior.)
But now I have another argument:
What about Immanuel's need to be alone with his family?
"This
too is not your business!
They invited you for the entire week,
and you must trust, that this is good for them.
And since you agreed, it will be good for you.."
So is the decision then clearly: I won't "take advantage of this
chance"?
"Definitely!
You must stay in hiding even from your close friends.
If they need to see you, they must find a way themselves!"
[July 31, 2011: 4 hours before reading
this I got a phone-call from Ran Lichtner concerning August 11!!
He and Moshe intend to meet with me - here in Arad!!! - I'll think
and write about this tomorrow!]
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August
12, Thursday,
I'm so grateful for your help yesterday!
The decision not to attend the Starnight
and not to see Moshe and Ran,
was so right.
And still, it was also right,
that all those interactions took place,
with Immanuel, Efrat, Yanina, Nir, Ran.
Now I come
to you or already came to you with an inner problem.
Mika's retorting:
"you with your maze, always mavokh,
mavokh, mavokh"
hurt me deeply yesterday,
so much that I tremble even when thinking of it now.
I can see that there was an asura
slipping in.
But how do I cause this to happen?
I asked for your help,
and you now let me come across - by chance -
the chapter of "embedded
denial" in .folksinterview2!
I had - shortly before - fantasized an argument with the channelers:
"Why do you - lately- channel asuric
expressions,
but don't tell us, how to deal with those?"
And now you yourself gave me the answer:
"keep your distance!"
That's what I'm doing anyway, most of the time,
but I doubted the rightness of this doing.
I want to think about this now constantly in my interaction with Mika.
I keep my distance from all persons, from whom I could attract assuras,
or better:
I most of the time feel exactly WHEN I do have to keep distance.
But I am not yet trained well enough with Mika.
There the blows come out of the blue.
What I still don't understand, and I don't see that you explain this
anywhere:
what in me attracts the asuras in the first place?
I know, it's my goodness, my eagerness to please.
"So
yes, then! you know it! "
But I don't
deny the danger of this,
yet neither can I be different from what I am.
"Nor
do you have to!
When you are aware of the danger of your goodness,
when you do not deny, that it is YOU who attracts asuras,
when you do not blame Mika
for being the instrument of throwing at you an asura,
then all you have to do, is, indeed,
to feel into any situation with her
and know, when you have to keep your distance.
For instance,
when you decide to propose an idea, a challenge,
be careful - it might succeed the first time, the second time,
but then let it be HER initiative to follow on with it."
Please,
strengthen my sensibility!
And yes I'm so glad, I did not interrupt my "workshop" with
Mika!
I have rested well this night, and I'm prepared for this day's challenges.
And thank you again for opening to me the chapter "Embedded Denial".
Friday,
August 13, 2010, Shoham, 10:00
After intense work:
5 hours in the pool with Mika and other activites
and the fulfilling but strenuous completion of the pages
of my
Journey to Europe
in exact juxtaposition with the
last pages of Godchannel
[which provided me with-free-space )
I could expect a "challenging" night,
which gave me much chance to
inhale God and exhale Love to all I felt,
In the morning I understood,
that now, that I've completed the compositions of the France-Ireland
photos,
which gave me a push to re-read all the "Mother-Pages",
so long neglected,
and before I shall - during the quiet (?) days
at Arad next week –
- sculpt the sub-titles to the photos of my journey,
and certainly before I insert all the Mika-photos of this week-
I must dedicate these 3 days , including my
birthday,
to YOU, the Mother,
especially to "embedded denial" in the actors of my drama.
13:20
Thank you for letting Tomer come only towards the evening.
(and in the evening he called, he would only come on Shabbat afternoon)
Thank you also for letting Mika say: "I
changed my mind!"
I had pondered if I should come with Efrat and her to the pool,
preferring much to stay alone and home, -- anyway,
but also because I dreaded competition and dilemma for Mika and her
mother.
But without me having said anything, Mika said:
"You'll come with mother!"
I said: "but yesterday you said:
"I prayed that Abba and Imma will come with me to the pool,
and you will not come" ! "
She had said this in a very good moment,
in which she totally enjoyed herself - with ME.
Now she said:
"I changed my mind! I want you to come
together with Imma."
18:17
It was very good, and I even enjoyed a moment of pure bliss,
when she – despite Imma's presence – wanted to "walk"
again,
to walk to that place under the shades, between the palm trees.
Seeing the sun through the double netshade and the fronds ,
in between the clouds,
and eating the "Roller" icecream together with sweet, sweet
Mika,
I became aware of a moment of unshaded joy.
[see
some photos of the experience at this place on Aug. 12 and Aug. 13]
And I knew, that this is
what I have to create and can create in more and more moments of the
day.
I can often do this, by simply breathing and contracting my ring-muscles
together with a simple activity, like walking from the room to the
kitchen,
or descending in the lift with Nella, not being attached to the fact,
that "the challenge with the mavokh", which I had discovered
for her,
in order to do the walking with Nella together with Mika
in the maze of the neighborhood Yuvalim,
failed after two attempts.
She doesn't want to go with me.
So I feel, I'm just training "joy",
more focused on "joy" during the training of feeling
and moving all there is to feel.
There is not really anything to come to terms with,
to complete concerning the past year,
nor is there anything to prepare for concerning the coming year.
There is just this minute and this minute
of feeling and moving what I feel,
releasing what few judgments I'm still attached to,
and focusing on moments of bliss
with a "camera", that finetunes and slows down each moment,
like the video about the humming-bird, which Yanina sent me today
16:42 Efrat was folding laundry
on my bed,
while I was writing along.
I found it incredibly difficult to not be alone,
but I won't analyse this feeling now.
What I want to add as my task next year
(and how can I phrase this as one of my "3 wishes",
which those who'll celebrate my birthday will want to hear
– since this is part of what I'm doing on the birthdays of others.)
is to learn everything written on GC about "embedded denial".
How to tread softly and keep my distance,
but be still me , be still loving!
How to radiate my love without words,
as a "response from my body" .
I'll have a good chance with Tomer
once he'll arrive for this weekend.
Mika said, while practising jumping
(encouraged by her mother, not by me!):
"If I go slowly,
it will become fast."
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