The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries


[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]


I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'

pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill
>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

 

 

 

K.I.S.S. - L O G    2 0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart

 
1

2

3

4

5

6

7

My new Midrash and song in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi 3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The Name]



1

2
3


How

Learn
And



I

The
Train

 



Heal

Conditions
In


Myself

For
Creating


Into

Heaven
Those


Whole

On
Conditions


Self-acceptance

Earth
Daily
Click!


Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk among each other,
and he listens      and he hears

yatakaalamuna     allathina     yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri        va-yasma'

Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht      und er hoert

Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent l'un a l'autre
il entends,        il ecoute

 

Intro to k.i.s.s.-l o g + all dates ~ Library of 7 years ~ HOME ~ contact ~ SEARCH ( of Latin characters only!)                  my eldest granddaughter's video-gallery

 

August 24/ Av 23, Sunday, 10th day after "the Death of my Righteousness & my Perfectionism" - at Bet Nehemya , morning: Tomer, evening Efrat&Mika
Re-studied on Shabbat, April 21, 2012

back to past ~~~~~ forward to future




The FOCUS of MY INTENTION TODAY

Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want, then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what may!
10:03
I desire to finally - oh   f i n a l l y  ,   please! - learn the lessons I've set up with my actor Tomer!
I desire to learn the repeated lessons with the "Quartet" whose unreliability triggers me & Efrat
I desire to savor the fulfillment of with Lior.
I desire to enjoy the al-one-ness, wholeness and "break" from any "actors" for the next 9 hours

I desire that Lior will live her "star-ness" and become parental to whatever will 'happen' to her.
I desire that Tomer, who too has chosen me as an actress in his drama, will grow at Bne-Arazim.
Tomer turns his head away from me,     while I want to take his picture together with the song which he had introduced to me on my      birthday: the lyrics, the tune, the singing, the singer -                                   all are moving me very much-
                                     "
with me you win"


hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

10:30
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to your mobility and flexibility,
and this despite several "weak spots" in you which seem to point out,
that I must be on constant alert concerning the fact,
that you are still bearing the consequences of my denials in earlier years.
In earlier years? Only while writing this, I perceive,
that
"the beginning of my weakness towards you, Tomer",
was much more than that: it was a trampling over you, my Body!
I desire to have the strength to deeply, thoroughly go into that denial,
the denial not only of my will but of you, my Body.
Thank you for bearing with me again and again and again and again.
I'm grate-full for the harmonious togetherness with Lior,
and also - in the background - with Immanuel.
I'm grateful for the
30 min. phone-talk with my schoolmate Barbara in Germany
I"m grate-full for Tomer's introducing me to the kind of music,
which he assumes I might like.
I'm grate-full for Tomer's explicit teaching:
"You could have said to me:
' now that you woke me so early, you'll stay with me and not go home'. You could have persuaded me!"

And I'm grate-full to myself, that I did my process from victimhood to parentalness - not only with myself on my Tomer-less morning walk,
but in his presence, asking for help from him, and when I got it, understanding, what fear was behind NOT trying to "persuade" him.
See below!


 

12:37
The lesson with Tomer this early morning was so exhausting, that -
after the taxi to Bne-Arazim had fetched him at 9:10
and I had showered, washed my hair, eaten breakfast
and cleaned the house a bit,
in short - after I had rested through engaging in physical activity -
I felt I needed to do something completely out of context :
this was stimulated by 2 clippings
with 2 letters from Rilke to his wife about Cézanne,
which I tried to grasp , when I couldn't sleep last night.
Rilke found reinforcement of his way of living life
through the medium of other artists,
-Baudelaire, the French poet , and Cézanne , the French painter,-
I, in turn,
am finding reinforcement for my way of finetuning to my daily living
by the way Rilke describes his experiences-
in this case with a poem and a painting
which - "by the way" - do NOT ! present "beauty"......

Nourishment from Others

Rainer Maria Rilke an Clara Rilke
Paris VIe; 29, rue Cassette, am 19. Okt. 1907


Du erinnerst sicher ~~~ aus den Aufzeichnungen des Malte Laurids, die Stelle, die von Baudelaire handelt und von seinem Gedichte : "Das Aas"
. [see below] Ich musste daran denken, dass ohne dies Gedicht die ganze Entwicklung zum sachlichen Sagen, die wir jetzt in Cézanne zu erkennen glauben, nicht haette anheben koennen; erst musste es da sein in seiner Unerbittlich-keit. Erst musste das kuenstlerische Anschauen sich so weit ueberwunden haben, auch im Schrecklichen und scheinbar nur Widerwaertigen das Seiende zu sehen, das, mit allem anderen Seienden,   g i l t   . Sowenig eine Auswahl zugelassen ist, ebensowenig ist eine Abwendung von irgendwelcher Existenz dem Schaffenden erlaubt; ein einziges Ablehnen irgendwann draengt ihn aus dem Zustande der Gnade, macht ihn ganz und gar suendig. Flaubert, als er die Legende von Saint-Julien-l'hospitalier mit so viel Umsicht und Sorgfalt wiedererzaehlte, gab ihr diese einfache Glaubwuerdigkeit mitten im Wunderbaren, weil der Kuenstler in ihm die Entschluesse des Heiligen mitbeschloss und ihnen gluecklich zustimmte und zurief. Dies Sich-zu-dem-Aussaetzigen-Legen und Alle-eigene-Waerme-, bis zu der Herzwaerme der Liebesnaechte, mit-ihm-Teilen: dies muss irgendwann im Dasein eines Kuenstlers gewesen sein, als Ueberwindung zu seiner neuen Seligkeit. Du kannst Dir denken, wie es mich beruehrt, zu lesen, dass Cézanne eben dieses Gedicht - Baudelaire's Charogne - noch in seinen letzten Jahren ganz auswendig wusste und es Wort fuer Wort hersagte. Gewiss faende man unter seinen frueheren Arbeiten solche, in denen er sich gewaltig ueberwand zu der aeussersten Liebesmoeglichkeit. Hinter dieser Hingabe beginnt, mit Kleinem zunaechst, die Heiligkeit: das einfache Leben einer Liebe, die bestanden hat, die, ohne sich dessen je zu ruehmen, zu allem tritt, unbegleitet, unauffaellig, wortlos. Die eigentliche Arbeit, die Fuelle der Aufgaben, alles faengt erst hinter diesem Bestehen an, und wer bis dorthin nicht hat gelangen koennen, der wird im Himmel wohl die Jungfrau Maria zu sehen bekommen, einzelne Heilige und kleine Propheten, den Koenig Saul und Charles le Téméraire- : aber von Hokusai und Lionardo, von Li-Tai-Pe und Villon, von Verhaeren, Rodin, Cézanne, - und gar vom lieben Gott wird man ihm auch dort nur erzaehlen koennen.

Und mit einem Mal (und zum ersten) begreife ich das Schicksal des Malte Laurids. Ist es nicht das, dass diese Pruefung ihn ueberstieg, dass er sie am Wirklichen nicht bestand, obwohl er in der Idee von ihrer Notwendigkeit ueberzeugt war, so sehr, dass er sie so lange instinktiv aufsuchte, bis sie sich an ihn haengte und ihn nicht mehr verliess? Das Buch von Malte Laurids, wenn es einmal geschrieben sein wird, wird nichts als das Buch dieser Einsicht sein, erwiesen an einem fuer den sie zu ungeheuer war.
Vielleicht     b e s t a n d    er ja auch: denn er schrieb den Tod des Kammerherrn; aber wie ein Raskolnikow blieb er, von seiner Tat aufgebraucht, zurueck, nicht weiterhandelnd im Moment, wo das Handeln erst beginnen musste, so dass die neue errungene Freiheit sich gegen ihn wandte und ihn, den Wehrlosen, zerriss.

Ach, wir rechnen die Jahre und machen Abschnitte da und dort und hoeren auf und fangen an und zoegern zwischen beidem. Aber wie sehr ist, was uns begegnet, aus einem Stueck, in welcher Verwandtschaft steht eines zum anderen, hat sich geboren und waechst heran und wird erzogen zu sich selbst, und wir haben im Grunde nur    d a z u s e i n , aber schlicht, aber instaendig, wie die Erde da ist, den Jahreszeiten zustimmend, hell und dunkel und ganz im Raum, nicht verlangend in anderem aufzuruhen (sic!) als in dem Netz von Einfluessen und Kraeften, in dem die Sterne sich sicher fuehlen.

Nun muss auch eines Tages die Zeit und Gelassenheit und Geduld da sein, um an den Aufzeichnungen des... [end of cutting]

[See an article concerning the series of Rilke's letter about Cezanne]
   "ein Ort der Selbstreflexion am anderen Medium "

Am Morgen des 31. Mai 1907 kehrt Rilke von einer langen Reise nach Paris zurück, wo er mit Unterbrechungen seit August 1902 gelebt hatte. Damals war er mit dem Auftrag, eine Monographie über den französischen Bildhauer Auguste Rodin zu schreiben, nach Paris gekommen. Zu Rodin hat sich recht bald ein enges Verhältnis entwickelt, ab Herbst 1905 ist Rilke dessen Sekretär, doch im Frühjahr des folgenden Jahres kommt es zum Zerwürfnis, woraufhin Rilke die Stadt verlässt.

Im Oktober 1907 werden im Salon d’Automne 49 Gemälde und sieben Aquarelle des im Jahr zuvor verstorbenen Malers Paul Cézanne gezeigt; Rilke besucht die Ausstellung beinahe täglich und berichtet seiner Frau Clara in Briefen von den neu gewonnenen "Erfahrungen an Cézanne". Wie die Begegnung mit Rodin hat auch das Erlebnis der Bilder des Malers auf Rilkes Entwicklung als Dichter eine nachhaltige Wirkung. Rilke resümiert 1924 in einem Brief:

"als das stärkste Vorbild stand, seit 1906, das Werk eines Malers vor mir, Paul Cézannes,
dem ich dann, nach dem Tode des Meisters,
auf allen Spuren nachging."

.....Erkennens von Wirklichkeit, eine Frage, die als grundlegend für Rilkes dichterische Selbstvergewisserung anzusehen ist.

"Nur die zehn Tage nach Ruths Geburt, glaub ich, hab ich ohne Verlust gelebt:
die Wirklichkeit so unbeschreiblich findend,
bis ins Kleinste hinein,
wie sie ja wahrscheinlich immer ist.
"

Rilke gebraucht das Wort 'Wirklichkeit‘ stets im Sinne von durch eigenes Erleben erfahrener Wirklichkeit; sie ist nicht Subjekt-unabhängig, sondern immer eine vom Einzelnen gedeutete Welt. Insofern steht Rilke in Nachfolge von Kant, seit dessen erkenntniskritischen Schriften, "das, was man Außenwelt nennt" als "das ewig wechselnde und ununterbrochen von neuem sich erzeugende Resultat eines geistigen Vorganges" gilt. ...

Vor allem im Kunstwerk erkennt Rilke die Möglichkeit zu derart "gesteigerter"Wirklichkeitserfahrung*, welche durch intensivierte eigene Erfahrung und Befreiung von überkommenen Wahrnehmungs-, Deutungs- und Urteilsmodellen ermöglicht wird.

Dass Rilke erkannt hat, wie neues Sehen nicht allein durch Ausschalten des eigenen Bewusstseins, sondern auch durch einen im Bewusstsein zu vollziehenden Prozess erlernt werden muss, wird im Malte-Roman ersichtlich, den Rilke an zentraler Stelle der "Briefe über Cézanne" als Scheitern des Protagonisten vor eben dieser Aufgabe begreift:

Malte, so interpretiert Rilke seine Figur, gelingt es nur zweimal, die "Prüfung" am Wirklichen zu bestehen und das Leben zu bejahen: in der Rechtfertigung von Baudelaires Gedicht "Une Charogne" und in der Schilderung des Todes des Kammerherrn. Gleichwohl wird in den "Briefen über Cézanne" kein Beitrag zu einer Ästhetik des Häßlichen geleistet. ...

Die zweite Möglichkeit, auf das pantha rhei zu reagieren, ist Flucht in die Ruhe. Paul Cézanne zog sich aus der Großstadt in ein Tal zurück, vor dem sich das Gebirge der Sainte Victoire erhebt, und malte Entspre-chungen der ruhig vor ihm liegenden Natur. Für ein Stillleben benötigte er 100 Arbeitssitzungen, für ein Portrait saß ein Modell 150 mal........

Nourishment from Others

Rainer Maria Rilke an Clara Rilke
Paris VIe; 29, rue Cassette, am 22. Okt. 1907

~~~ heute schliesst der Salon [von Cézanne, died on Oct. 23, 1906]. Und schon, da ich zum letzten Mal von dort nach Hause gehe, moechte ich ein Violett, ein Gruen oder gewisse blaue Toene wieder aufsuchen, von denen mir scheint, dass ich sie haette besser, unvergesslicher sehen muessen. Schon, obwohl ich so oft aufmerksam und unnachgiebig davor gestanden habe, wird in meiner Erinnerung der grosse Farbenzusammenhang der Frau im roten Fauteuil so wenig wiederholbar wie eine sehr vielstellige Zahl. Und doch habe ich sie mir eingepraegt, Ziffer fuer Ziffer. In meinem Gefuehl ist das Bewusstsein ihres Vorhandenseins zu einer Erhoehung geworden, die ich noch im Schlafe fuehle; mein Blut beschreibt sie in mir, aber das Sagen geht irgendwo draussen vorbei und wird nicht hereingerufen. Schrieb ich von ihr? - Vor eine erdiggruene Wand , in der ein kobaltblaues Muster (ein Kreuz mit ausgesparter Mitte; ---) rar wiederkehrt, ist ein roter, ganz gepolsterter niedriger Sessel geschoben; die rund gewulstete Lehne rundet und senkt sich nach vorne zu zu Armlehen (die wie der Rockaermel-stumpf eines Armlosen geschlossen sind). Die linke Armlehne und die Quaste, die voller Zinnober von ihr herunterhaengt, haben schon nicht mehr die Wand hinter sich, sondern einen breiten unteren Randstreifen aus gruenem Blau, gegen den ihr Widerspruch laut anklingt. In diesen roten Fauteuil, der eine Persoenlichkeit ist, ist eine Frau gesetzt, die Haende im Schloss eines breit senkrecht gestreiften Kleides, das ganz leicht mit kleinen verteilten Stuecken gruener Gelbs und gelber Gruens angegeben ist, bis an den Rand der blaugrauen Jacke, die eine blaue, mit gruenen Reflexen spielende Seidenschleife vorne zusammenhaelt. In der Helligkeit des Gesichts ist die Naehe all dieser Farben zu einer einfachen Modellierung ausgenutzt; selbst das Braun des ueber den Scheiteln rund aufgelegten Haares und das glatte Braun in den Augen muss sich aeussern gegen seine Umgebung.    E s    i s t ,  a l s  
w ü ß t e    j e d e    S t e l l e    v o n    a l l e n . So sehr nimmt sie teil; so sehr geht auf ihr Anpassung und Ablehnung vor sich; so sehr sorgt jede in ihrer Weise für das Gleichgewicht und stellt es her: wie das ganze Bild schließlich die Wirklichkeit im Gleichgewicht hält
. Denn sagt man, es ist ein roter Fauteuil (und es ist der erste und endgueltigste rote Fauteuil aller Malerei): so ist er es doch nur, weil er eine erfahrene Farbensumme gebunden in sich hat, die, wie immer sie auch sein mag, ihn im Rot bestaerkt und bestaetigt. Er ist, um auf die Hoehe seines Ausdrucks zu kommen, um das leichte Bildnis herum ganz stark gemalt, dass etwas wie eine Wachsschicht entsteht; und doch hat die Farbe kein Übergewicht über den Gegenstand, der so vollkommen in seine malerischen Äquivalente übersetzt erscheint, daß, so sehr er erreicht und gegeben ist, doch andererseits auch wieder seine bürgerliche Realität an ein endgültiges Bild-Dasein alle Schwere verliert. Alles ist, wie ich schon schrieb, zu einer Angelegenheit der Farben untereinander geworden: Eine nimmt sich gegen die andere zusammen, betont sich ihr gegenüber, besinnt sich auf sich selbst. Wie im Mund eines Hundes bei Annaehrerung verschiedener Dinge verschiedene Saefte sich bilden und bereit halten: zustimmende, die nur umsetzen, und korrigierende, die unschaedlich machen wollen: so entstehen im Innern jeder Farbe Steigerungen oder Verduennungen, mit deren Hilfe sie das Beruehrtwerden durch eine andere uebersteht. Neben dieser Druesenwirkung innerhalb der Farbenintensitaet spielen die Spiegelungen (deren Vorhandensein in der Natur [end of cutting]

Une Charogne (de "Les Fleurs du mal"
par Charles Baudelaire ) 1857


Rappelez-vous l'objet que nous vîmes, mon âme,
Ce beau matin d'été si doux:
Au détour d'un sentier une charogne infâme
Sur un lit semé de cailloux,

Le ventre en l'air, comme une femme lubrique,
Brûlante et suant les poisons,
Ouvrait d'une façon nonchalante et cynique
Son ventre plein d'exhalaisons.

Le soleil rayonnait sur cette pourriture,
Comme afin de la cuire à point,
Et de rendre au centuple à la grande Nature
Tout ce qu'ensemble elle avait joint;

Et le ciel regardait la carcasse superbe
Comme une fleur s'épanouir.
La puanteur était si forte, que sur l'herbe
Vous crûtes vous évanouir.

Les mouches bourdonnaient sur ce ventre putride,
D'où sortaient de noirs bataillons
De larves, qui coulaient comme un épais liquide
Le long de ces vivants haillons.

Tout cela descendait, montait comme une vague
Ou s'élançait en pétillant
On eût dit que le corps, enflé d'un souffle vague,
Vivait en se multipliant.

Et ce monde rendait une étrange musique,
Comme l'eau courante et le vent,
Ou le grain qu'un vanneur d'un mouvement rythmique
Agite et tourne dans son van.

Les formes s'effaçaient et n'étaient plus qu'un rêve,
Une ébauche lente à venir
Sur la toile oubliée, et que l'artiste achève
Seulement par le souvenir.

Derrière les rochers une chienne inquiète
Nous regardait d'un oeil fâché,
Epiant le moment de reprendre au squelette
Le morceau qu'elle avait lâché.

- Et pourtant vous serez semblable à cette ordure,
A cette horrible infection,
Etoile de mes yeux, soleil de ma nature,
Vous, mon ange et ma passion!

Oui! telle vous serez, ô la reine des grâces,
Apres les derniers sacrements,
Quand vous irez, sous l'herbe et les floraisons grasses,
Moisir parmi les ossements.

Alors, ô ma beauté! dites à la vermine
Qui vous mangera de baisers,
Que j'ai gardé la forme et l'essence divine
De mes amours décomposés!

A Carcass ( From "he Flowers of Evil" by Charles Baudelaire Translated )

My love, do you recall the object which we saw,
That fair, sweet, summer morn!
At a turn in the path a foul carcass
On a gravel strewn bed,

Its legs raised in the air, like a lustful woman,
Burning and dripping with poisons,
Displayed in a shameless, nonchalant way
Its belly, swollen with gases.

The sun shone down upon that putrescence,
As if to roast it to a turn,
And to give back a hundredfold to great Nature
The elements she had combined;

And the sky was watching that superb cadaver
Blossom like a flower.
So frightful was the stench that you believed
You'd faint away upon the grass.

The blow-flies were buzzing round that putrid belly,
From which came forth black battalions
Of maggots, which oozed out like a heavy liquid
All along those living tatters.

All this was descending and rising like a wave,
Or poured out with a crackling sound;
One would have said the body, swollen with a vague breath,
Lived by multiplication.

And this world gave forth singular music,
Like running water or the wind,
Or the grain that winnowers with a rhythmic motion
Shake in their winnowing baskets.

The forms disappeared and were no more than a     dream,
A sketch that slowly falls
Upon the forgotten canvas, that the artist
Completes from memory alone.

Crouched behind the boulders, an anxious dog
Watched us with angry eye,
Waiting for the moment to take back from the
      carcass
The morsel he had left.

— And yet you will be like this corruption,
Like this horrible infection,
Star of my eyes, sunlight of my being,
You, my angel and my passion!

Yes! thus will you be, queen of the Graces,
After the last sacraments,
When you go beneath grass and luxuriant flowers,
To molder among the bones of the dead.

Then, O my beauty! say to the worms who will
Devour you with kisses,
That I have kept the form and the divine essence
Of my decomposed love!


Ein Aas (aus "Die Blumen des Boesen")
von Charles Baudelaire


O meine Seele, sei des holden Morgens Zeuge,
Wir wandelten am Sommergras,
Da lag auf einem Bett aus Kies in Pfades Beuge
Vor unsrem Blick ein schmählich Aas.

Die Beine hoch gleich einem zügellosen Weibe
Erwies es ohne Scham den Bauch.
Es schwitzte lauter Gift; aus dem geborstnen Leibe
Entwich der Gase heißer Hauch.

Die Sonne traf das Luder mit dem Glanz der Strahlen
Und kochte es noch vollends gar,
Um hundertfältig der Natur zurückzuzahlen,
Was erst in eins gebunden war.

Der Himmel sah den faulen Prunk an dem Gerippe
Wie Blumen aufgehn; der Gestank
War so entsetzlich, daß dein Leben von der Lippe
Verschwand und fast in Ohnmacht sank.

Schmeißfliegen summten um den Schoß, der eiternd klaffte,
In schwarzen Bataillonen drang
Das Larvenvolk hervor; es floß gleich dickem Safte
Den Fetzen des Geschöpfs entlang.

Wie eine Woge stieg dies alles, stürzte nieder
Und flimmerte und warf sich auf:
Gebläht von ungewissem Atem hob sichs wieder,
Vielfach lebendig und zuhauf.

Musik, befremdend, stieg aus diesem Bild auf Erden:
Der Bach, der fließt, der Wind, der weht,
Auch Korn rauscht so, von Schwingers rhythmischen       Gebärden
Im Korb gerüttelt und gedreht.

Die Formen flohen, wie sie sonst im Traume schwanken
Und im Entwurf, der halb erwacht
Auf längst verjährter Leinwand, bis in den Gedanken
Des Künstlers Geist ihn fertigmacht.

Versteckt vom Felsen lauerte die Hündin, Lappen,
Die sie an dem Skelett verlor,
Im rechten Augenblick wieder zu erschnappen,
Unruhig, bösen Blicks hervor.

- Allein auch du wirst ähnlich solchem Greuel enden
Und so mit Pest vermischtem Kot,
Stern meiner Augen, Sonne über meinen Lenden,
Mein Engel du und meine Not!

Der Anmut Königin, nach äußersten Gebeten
Wirst du - selbst du nicht anders sein,
Bedeckt vom Rasen, unter fetten Blütenbeeten
Verschimmeln zwischen dem Gebein.

Dann, Schönste, sag von mir den Würmern, die dich nagen
Mit ihrem nimmersatten Kuß:
Gestalt und göttlich Wesen will ich weitertragen,
Wenn mein Idol zerfallen muß!


From Quotations to inspire and to challenge
Rainer Maria Rilke
Jan 26th, 2007 by Ron Foreman

-There is only one journey. Going inside yourself.

-He who does not at some time, with definite determination consent to the terribleness of life, or even exalt in it, never takes possession of the inexpressible fullness of the power of our existence

-For verses are not, as people imagine, simply feelings (those one has early enough), -they are experiences. For the sake of a single verse, one must see many cities, men and things, one must know the animals, one must feel how the birds fly and know the gesture with which the little flowers open in the morning.

Ich lebe mein Leben in wachsenden Ringen,
die sich über die Dinge ziehn.
Ich werde den letzten vielleicht nicht vollbringen,
aber versuchen will ich ihn.

Ich kreise um Gott, um den uralten Turm,
und ich kreise jahrtausendelang;
und ich weiß noch nicht: bin ich ein Falke,
         ein Sturm
oder ein großer Gesang.

-Be patient toward all that is unresolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek now the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. …perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer…

-Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty… Were it otherwise he would never have been able to find those words.


I'm not sure, what I feel when reading the second quote - which seems to say the same as the sentences about Baudelaire's "Carcass", - or - yes, I AM sure! It is a rationalization!. There must not and cannot be "a consent to the terribleness of life", leave alone an exaltation in it. Barbara, my schoolmate told me yesterday, that her mother died - "thanks God" - and how her ashes are waiting in the living-room, in order to be buried in the family-grave in Aussee, Austria, as soon as they get there.
"I once also brought my mother-in-law in my suitcase from Tchechia, though it is forbidden by law to transfer corpses & ashes privately."
Rilke would not have dared to imagine, that Body does not want to die and does not have to die, and all the horrid sights, sounds, smells, which Baudelaire describes are unnecessary.
Why then did this "issue" enter my life today?
And why did the way, he   s a w   "the woman in the red fauteuil" enhance my own seeing ?
I feel bewildered , and I'll stop pondering, try to sleep a little
(13:57) and then turn to my own life on this very day, the never ending challenges my grandchild Tomer hurls against me. It is as if whenever I've caught my breath in one corner, a "surprise" shoots down on me from some other corner. It is the finetuning of Rilke which is the finetuning of Rachel (ha! the very first time I see the similarity of the consonants in Rilke and Rachel....)

 




It was here where our pathes parted.
We had walked for about 10 minutes

through all the ugliness around and especially east of Bet Nehemya.

"I am so disappointed of Bet Nehemya"
, I said to Tomer.
"See all the junk everywhere -
people have not the slightest respect for the nature around them,
and then see the fences and the highways beyond them,
one can't move anywhere.

It's much worse than in Shoham the town,
it's worse also than it was around Ramat-Hadar ,
where your father grew up.

All the 16 years I lived there, I felt imprisoned.
to the east - the road from Hod-Hasharon to Petach-Tikva-Tel-Aviv,
to the north - houses , some ugly orange-orchards and more houses,
to the west - after 1 km - an army zone of 10 km along the sea,
and later also a highway,

only to the south I could walk a bit,
though also mostly through ugly orange orchards, and an antiquity hill.

And now this! "

He said nothing, but after a while he too blurted:


"All these fences, like in a ghetto! like at the border!"

"Yes! I only hope, that over there in the north there will be an outlet."

And indeed, after having hit fences, wherever we turned,
I - not Tomer - suddenly discerned a huge gate, which wasn't tightly shut.

"Oh look, look, there is an outlet after all", I said with great exhilaration!

And what did my teacher-actor say?

"I'm not going there!"
"What?"
"No, I'm not going further away from home.
I won't have the strength to later go back all the way."


As usual with Tomer, the blow comes from such an unexpected direction,
that it hits me utterly unprepared.

"My lesson, my lesson!" I said to myself.
"How must I behave now, in order to not succumb to Tomer!"
So I said bravely:
"Alright, then you go home, you have the key
and I'll go through the gate into freedom."
"But don't come back too late."


" This remark should have softened me ....
After all, he couldn't be too keen on leaving for Bne-Arazim "in time".
When I had passed through the gate and walked up some 100 m,
I made a last attempt:
"Come, come, the sun is rising right now."
But he didn't come, he stood far away, below, behind the gate and screamed:
"Do you feel offended?"

That was meant to be my chance, but I missed it totally.
I screamed:
"I would , if I would succumb to you.
I can't force you to come with me, but I can go where I want to!"
What a pathetic way of "not imposing myself on him"....

So each walked on into a different direction.
I walked north, until I came to a track
which passed underneath the double highway.
On the other side there was a sign pointing out the beginning of a marked path.
Its beginning was bad, up and down, and spread with slippery stones.


I sidetracked myself from my lesson with Tomer by taking pictures of both,
some nice views, though they all included the traffic on the highway,
and some ugly views which showed,
how previous trails were cut off, blocked, left to die,
because the highway.... - oh I wished I were a poet -
to find the right metaphors for the destruction of freedom,
the freedom , one could once find and feel in nature.
I hang on to the promise in Godchannel of "an almost virgin earth" for us,
for us, who suffer the rape of our present earth almost physically .


The good news was, that while walking south on that marked path,
most of the time viewing the highway and all of the time hearing its noise,
I reached another underpass,
which let me re-enter the southern - also open - gate
of the security-fence around Bet Nehemyia.
I had told Tomer, that once the authorities had demanded from Avi Dror,
to install a security fence around "Succah in the Desert".
When he said:
"over my dead body", they threatened,
that they would take the licence of the business away.
He did not succumb.

"So what happened?" asked Tomer, "Nothing! And Avi Dror now says:
'This is the only place where people live or stay without a security fence
in the entire State of Israel ."

I now understood, why there were so many fences:
not only the fence along the highway on both sides,
but also the obligatory security fence around the village of Bet Nehemya.
It suddenly seemed to me, that it was preferable to live in town.
There is no fence around Arad or around Shoham!
I cannot express, what I feel, when I'm enclosed by a fence.
I wasn't in Auschwitz, nor in a ghetto, and only in a former life I was in prison.
But it is, as if I could not live, it is as if someone took my breath away....



Inside Bet Nehemya I walked along the fence to the west.
I still had time,
before I would have to place Tomer in the taxi and pay the driver.
When I - without knowing how - reached the house after all,
I found a small bolder to sit on and think:

"I cannot come to Tomer with all this rage and blame in me,
I must find the beginning of an understanding why I created this."



I went back to the occurrences of last night.
Where did it start, that I succumbed to him again?
It wasn't this morning, when I agreed to be woken up at 5:45.
For we had done this in the past - go out and see the sun-rise,
and there was a match between the craziness of us both.
During my Tomer-less walk I did a lot of screaming and wailing,
to at least let body do its work of vibrating my feelings ,
the feelings of disappointment, humiliation and most of all:
of powerlessness .


Now, after a while, I could see the beginning of my "loosing it"...
I walked over to the house, rang the bell.
No answer.
I went to the window of my room, certain that he was sitting at my computer.
All the while I had the bitter feeling,
that he, without intention, succeeded in removing me from the house
so as to have the computer all for himself.
What was this first incident in the morning?
- I was awake already, woken up by a movement of his bed in the next room -
I got up, brushed my teeth, drank my urine, combed my hair, dressed
- altogether a matter of 5 minutes, if I hurry, and for his sake I hurried.
When I was all ready, he said:
"I just want to create something small on the computer.
It will not take more than 3 minutes!"

"But why didn't you do it, while I was in the bathroom!"
I felt defeated, lay back in my bed, dressed as I was.
I should have said: "No",
but there was the unconscious fear which whispered:

'You must not be petty concerning 3 minutes, Rachel,
you must be righteous!'

Since I didn't say "No", I should at least have watched what he "created".
But "my spine" , a metaphor Tomer would soon use, was already broken.
When did it break?


"Didn't you hear the ringing?"
"Yes", "So why didn't you open?"
"It doesn't work so fast!"

He probably wanted to quickly close his program on the computer,
before I would come in and blame him for it.
I didn't relate to this, but commanded harshly:

"You now come with me to the veranda,
and the work I've done with myself,
I want to do once more, in your presence",


"What's the matter with you", he said defiantly, but he came with me.

I began:
"As you know, I believe, that I am never a victim,
and my question must be, why I again and again attract pain from you.
It started with something, which has not really anything to do with you:
With the fact, that I did not go to bed at eleven,
when I was so tired, so unusually tired,
that I only glanced at the time of the computer,
hoping that another minute and another minutes would pass.
But I wanted you to have a good time, that was one reason,
and after all - the songs which you wanted me to hear, were really pretty.
Another reason was that I had promised your father,
who had fixed with you before he went on flight,
that you would be in bed at midnight,
that I would stay up until then too.
My very question was stupid; It's a "kitbag" question,
and the answer must necessarily be 'Yes'.
"
(this is a term from the army: the commander says:
"You'll walk 50 km and run most of the way."
A naive soldier asks: "Do we also have to take our kitbacks?"
the commander hadn't thought of it, but now that he was asked, he said: "yes!")

"But even if I promised him to stay up, to make sure you go to bed,
I should have taken care of myself and my body more than of this promise!
For the problem is not only, that I couldn't enjoy our last hour at all,
but that I overstretched the point of tiredness, which means,
that when I finally went to bed, my body was so tense,
that no exercise of relaxation could make me fall asleep."

Looking at this denial of my Body again and again - it's now 17:12 -
I feel great despair!
After all these decades of training - of listening to my Will and to my Body,
after giving thanks to my Body day after day, being aware of it constantly,
I was not even in a dilemma between 23:00 and 24:00.
It has been my automatic, even "instinctive" pattern for 70 years,
that I must sacrifice myself and my Body to whoever is in my presence.
I'm furious with all the people and belief-systems who value "sacrifice".

When I express this fury in the presence of others,
I'm so dramatic, that they probably fear for my sanity.
But there - with my children and grandchildren
and probably with everyone whom I let into my life,
I sacrifice myself - in order to please,
no, no, in order to let the others have "a good time",
and only if I do so, I'll feel "righteous" and love myself.

I feel not only humbled, desperate and hopeless,
I feel ridiculous.
Tomer was already here, when I sat with Lior outside the house,
on the edge of the sideway,
after we had come back from a one hour walk along the fences,
during which I had said to her:

"Now you'll be leaving, it was a true "nidberu",
but you still haven't blessed me for my 70th birthday."

Since she had difficulty with my proposal, what that blessing should contain,
she came up with her own wish :

"I do have a blessing for you and I want to say it".
"Then go ahead!"

"I want you - in this your new year - to find the PEER, you are looking for,
the peer, with whom you can heal and learn and grow and co-create,
the peer, who is able to give you what you need,
and the peer, who is able to receive what you need to give."

At that moment I rejoiced in her blessing and said,
that she was the only one who even thought of that,
and that yes - I felt - this gift was not as far away as I had believed.


[On our walk we had mostly talked about the mourning-work
she had done following her decision after our Dead Sea togetherness -
to separate from her boyfriend.
I felt, that she was almost done with this work, and why,
and that after this last week of being trained - before training others ,
she should put her notebook aside and totally concentrate on the fantastic challenge in the army,

a challenge which would mature her into being herself in the fastest of ways.
I then gave some examples of my own work of mourning after separations from lovers.


"I've once told you, that I believed,
the real chance with David would come in 2012.
But during the last months I came to understood,
that I must put this history to rest.
In our reality, when people are not equal,
though all are rays
of the One sun, waves of the One ocean, colors of the One light,
David will never be equal to me.

He is probably growing immensely, but so am I.
The gap between us will never close - not in this reality.
But it is in this reality, that I yearn for a peer,
it is this reality, that I'm promised peers, to heal and grow with,
it is NOW, that I want to do my healing into wholeness with Peers
who are on the same wave-length".

[July 31, 2011: was this a belief, which fulfilled itself, or a prophecy towards March 13, 2009?]


Now - crouching there on the sideway,
while at least 3 different fathers were cycling around with there little sons -
I heard myself saying:

"Yes, even though the only reason for the fact,
that my yearning still doesn't find fulfillment
is lack of wholeness,
I feel, that I'm quite close,
especially after the sun eclipse trigger of Aug.1!
"
[July 31, 2011: If "close" means "within 3 years", than this feeling was just wishful thinking...]

But now?
after my outrageous, shocking betrayal of my Body yesterday night?
I just remembered my song! It must be adjusted to this failure!

"And again I start from the beginning

as one of the smallest in your kingdom,
such a betrayer of my Body!"

"My power, my grace are strong in the small ones!
Nor does a free man understand the chained.
Give thanks to your chain!"


I was sure, we wouldn't see anything spectacular, so I didn't bring my camera.
I should have known by now, that my eyes spot beauty in the dreariest places.
So I had to use my mobile phone to catch those spots:
This underpass I'll call the "northern" one,
because later I discovered one to the south,
which means, I might have found a one hour trail near the house,,
part of which is really nice,
though all the time along the view and the noise of the highway.

The marked foot-path along the highway passes an old lime-oven (English?)

On top of the path - all the time along the fence to the right -
wild doves feel disturbed by me

What is this? An old grave hewn into the rock?


Beyond the fence and the highway:
Bet Nehemya to the west of the water-tower

Another perspective of Bet Nehemya - now also to the left of the water-tower - the street with my family's newly rented house.

Following the trucks - which just pass by the water-power - into the northern direction

A seemingly nice track leads to Bet-Nehemya, with Shoham behind it. But the track was chopped off...

Back to what I said to Tomer and what he said to me.
(I'm skipping another incident with his alarm-clock - at midnight...)

"It wasn't the fact, that I agreed to get up early and go out with you.
I was even looking forward to exploring this new territory with you
and maybe find a path for future outings - despite the ugliness here.
It is not a situation where I succumbed to you.
Only in hindsight I can see,
that I let myself be terribly disappointed by you.
And of course it will never happen again,
that you will command me to get up before sunrise. [Woe to myself....]
My trust is gone.
The big, big question is, why did I attract this into my life?
If you have an answer, then tell me, for I haven't .
"

It was then, that my teacher-actor said:
"I asked you there at the gate, if you were offended.
If you had said yes, I would have gone with you.
You could have persuaded me to come with you.
You could have said:
Since you woke me up so early, you are now coming with me! "


Suddenly it was clear as the sun!
Yes he had opened the gate of his heart for me to come in
and drag him out of his defiance.
So why didn't I pass this gate too?


The answer was there right away, inside me and I said:
"You are right - why didn't I try to persuade you?
I was afraid! Afraid, that you would say "no!"
And then I would not only have felt disappointed, but humiliated!
I said to myself: "At least I don't want to succumb to him,
as I would have done on former occasions.
At least I would prove to you, that you could not defeat me.
That I could finally stand up to you.
But I let me be defeated by my fear.
I'm grate-full that you pointed this out to me"

And I cried.

This was one of the saddest sights:
an old track simply cut off, ending in an abyss,
the abyss of one more highway


Fences, fences, fences - a blue semitrailor and a blue sign pointing to "Ben-Gurion Airport", and the street with our house beyond


There was a break -
his getting ready, grabbing food, triggering me with his disgusting table manners etc.
or by suddenly sitting in front of the television and opening it (I said: "No!") etc. etc.
but then we sat on the veranda, opposite each other,
5 minutes before the taxi was to come.
I was driven to say again:

"I'm really grate-full that you had the answer for me."
And in that moment I saw, that I needed to clarify my fear:
"It wasn't that I was afraid of my own shame!
I was afraid, that it would do damage to you,
if you could defeat me to that extent."

In Hebrew it sounded clearer than it sounds here in English.
He said:
"This fear means, that you have no character!"
"Character? that's not a word in my dictionary".

He corrected himself:
"That you have no spine !"
He corrected himself again:
"That's not true, of course you have a spine ,
but you believe, you don't have one.
It is all your choice!
You are not appreciating yourself, you are not loving yourself."


"Yes, that is absolutely right!"

Then the taxi driver came and Tomer waved me Shalom.

That was 9:10 and now it's 18:50,
and in half an hour Efrat and Mika will come home.
On the phone we discussed, if I should overcome my fright
of fetching them from the airport train-station with their car,
the fear of finding the exact track to Terminal 3 ,
the fear of managing with the automatic parking- card etc..
At first I said, that I would like to take up the challenge,
but identifying with Efrat's feelings
- she would probably worry all the way from Acco if I would manage -
I said: "I think, I should retreat and - for once - let you take a taxi."
In this case it was right to listen to my fear.


It took me all these hours - to finish the draft of this finetuning.
But I have no idea, how I can strengthen my "spine".
I figured out already, that despite my calculation last week,
that I wouldn't see Tomer for a long time,
I not only saw him this time against the plans,
I'm also going to see him at least twice, in September.
I don't feel glad about this prospect, to say the least.
But it seems, that my Higher Self wants to stage an ongoing training with Tomer.
And didn't I say to Lior after her blessing and my bragging about my wholeness,
that I'm even praying for the kind of experiences which I still need to become whole?


What can I say but: "I am afraid"!
In general I am afraid of nobody and nothing! Not even of my daughter!
And not of my "Quartet".
Concerning them I fixed with Micha,
after I had expressed my frustration about their lack of response
to Efrat's invitation to a Day of the Quintet,
"from now on, until they'll be 18 years old,
any invitation will be organized with you and not with the children."

I can't hide, that I still feel angry,
and that I feel bad for Efrat, who will feel once again shoved aside.
And yet I can cope with this kind of "holes in our wholeness, which want to heal" .
But I feel, I cannot cope with the challenges Tomer throws at me.
And if I cannot, how can his father and mainly how can Efrat cope?
We need help! Please!

 

Fences, fences, fences - and the highway to the north
see more tomorrow
song of the day

"And again I start from the beginning
as one of the smallest in your kingdom,
such a betrayer of my Body!"


"My power, my grace are strong in the small ones!
Nor does a free man understand the chained.
Give thanks to your chain!"


back to past ~~~~~ forward to future


Intro to k.i.s.s.-l o g + all dates ~ Library of 7 years ~ HOME ~ contact ~ SEARCH ( of Latin characters only!)                  my eldest granddaughter's video-gallery

whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
K.I.S.S. - L O G    2 0 0 8