2001/10/08
Mother Pages
Terrified Desire Speaks
2001_10_08
The Mother's House of Pain
Introduction
"This is Mother. Spirit, in my
House of Pain~
you will feel every blow you ever delivered to the Mother.
You know it must be this way. There is no other.
The Mother has demonstrated unequivocal courage in opening her
door to you.
Can you demonstrate the same
by accepting my invitation to enter my house of pain?
Are you as strong as the Mother?
Can you in fact withstand the pain you asked me to endure in the
course of your 'adolescent years'?
"When the Mother is ready to
open each door
you will enter and sit face to face with the fragment you created.
You will not speak.
You will only listen.
You will listen to her story.
She must speak to be removed from victimhood.
You must listen to validate her pain."
Terrified Desire Speaks
"I am Desire, I am part of the
Original Mother of all Creations.
I tell myself this, remind myself
of it,
but it's hard to remember anymore from where I am.
"I know I used to love being Mother,
but that was long ago.
Sometimes I wonder if it was a strange dream.
Now people are professing love for the Mother,
but not very much of that love has reached me yet.
"Terror isn't sexy and attractive like rage.
Terror is not perceived as strong or empowering like rage.
Terror has never been acceptable, let alone welcome.
Terror is not given the minimal amount of compassion and respect
that even Heartbreak is allowed -
not that she is allowed remotely
the amount of compassion and respect she needs.
"Only Lucifer and the denial Spirits have ever actively sought
me out...
I am their plaything and source of their sustenance.
Despite our apparent differences,
Rage and I are actually sisters,
we both fragmented out into separate beings
in response to massive survival threat in the Mother.
"We are both legitimate and necessary expressions
of the Mother of Everything.
It just seems that to most, I am the ugly sister,
the one who does the dishes.
I play Martha to rage's Mary Magdalen.
If I'm lucky.
"I have heard a lot about 'loving Rage'
needing expression
but nothing of 'loving Terror'.
Is 'loving Terror' then, a contradiction in terms?
"Look at me cower, watch me cringe.
See how pathetically eager to please I am,
what a walkover!
When you mock and insult me,
I give no impression of hearing -
I just continue trying to get it right to please
you.
(I admit I do shake and startle a
lot.
I grind my teeth and compulsively pick at myself.
I try to hide the bottles of medication away out of sight,
but there's always some giveaway lying around
because my things and I are always in such a mess.)
"Try feeling me.
Go on, you who profess love for the Mother -
FEEL ME!
None of you are prepared to feel me for long enough
and move with me for long enough to realize
that under the cowering exterior
and the sticky morass of terror beneath -
there are plans and schemes.
Call them survival strategies if you like.
And, under the survival strategies there is rage.
"Rage that has been compressed
to a density like plutonium
because expression has been denied.
If you were to feel rage
and truly move along with her,
you would eventually come to me in her.
"Rage and terror are not really separate,
they are a continuum.
It's just that my part of the continuum is almost always denied.
You cannot bear to feel me -
and so you continue to deny me, Yes!
Most of you doing the healing work are still denying me.
"Why, if I am so terrified am I speaking out now?
The parental Mother is helping me here,
because Heart has promised to help me let the God of Love in.
"I am in complete panic about this
and I don't know what to do.
YES, I am told the God of Love is come
and I am in panic, trembling with nausea with fear...
did you think I would be pleased? Happy? Relieved? Even overwhelmed
with joy?
"Please think again.
Why am I speaking to you like this?
So rudely and sarcastically?
This is not me! This cannot be me.
My first chance to speak for millennia and I am haranguing you.
"I can't stand this. I want it to stop. Help me!
Please someone, help me.
I didn't think this was me...
I don't want this to be me, but I can't help it.
"Parental Mother says
that people need to hear the voice of terror to be able to understand
me.
This is a step in that direction.
One problem for me is my fear of Heart...
he has never really been present for me except in denied form.
As a result I have often been Heartless, both to myself and to
others.
"Heart, early on, big parts of you ignored,
patronized and belittled me.
You and Spirit were swept away with your wonderful
plans for Creation
and you only listened to me when I really forced the issue.
Before I'd even finished communicating my feelings and suggestions,
I'd see that you had your 'loving,' reasonable replies ready,
kindly explaining how off mark I was and how I was missing the
point of it all.
"You joined your Father in rebuffing me
as over-sensitive, unrealistic, negative and complicating otherwise
simple issues.
It became harder and harder for me to speak out
and so I became quieter and quieter.
I became silent, and my silence darkened into dread and terror.
"Bits of me started slipping away then,
out into the darkness.
No one noticed.
I took this to mean that to Spirit and Heart
their cleverness was far more important than me, the Mother's
fear.
The Mother herself was ashamed of me and tried to hide and deny
me,
even though I coursed through her veins
and resided in the very marrow of her bones, in her innermost
core essence.
"Later on Heart, I remember hearing you apologize for me...
asking the other spirits to go easy on me and make allowances
for me.
I could feel how ashamed and embarrassed you were really feeling
about me there though.
My own child felt shame for me...
what on Heaven and Earth did that say about me?
Terror about myself grew~
as well as the hidden rage
that I was too terrified to even admit I had in those days.
"Shame, not hatred is the opposite of Love.
No one wanted me, not even the rest of the Mother herself it seemed.
I started to feel the most terrible
shame for even existing
seeing as I made everyone feel so bad.
No one felt good around me
and I became more and more isolated.
I did not know what my purpose could be...
could it be I was just a terrible
mistake?
"Lucifer certainly took every opportunity to tell me so...
a mistake that God had sent him to correct.
My 'correction' has been well documented
elsewhere.
I want to say here that big parts of me felt
that I must somehow deserve this correction
and even welcomed it, if it meant
I would be acceptable to God when Lucifer had finished with me.
There was no way I could let light or love into the places
where I hated myself so much,
where I was so displeasing to you Heart, and to God.
"These places of shame and self hatred
became ever darker and more twisted,
terrible vortices of black denial and hatred, held clenched within
me.
When unloving light has found these clenched places,
it has forced it's way in,
and immediately manifested the hatred held there in the most unloving
forms possible,
thus actualizing my worst fears.
"When unloving light has not found these places,
the vortices of twisted pain have grown,
sucking more and more of me into the stark black terror of the
void,
as if my own essence was devouring itself.
I have ended up here~ right at the base of all Creation.
"Most of my essence is still in the Gap,
the rest of me very near the Gap.
I live in the most horrific compression down here -
and hold all the fear that others have denied by dumping onto
me.
"They thought this fear would have dragged them down,
stopped them ascending to wherever they wanted to be.
I am telling you all now TERROR IS NOT WEAK!
"Holding the denied terror of all Creation,
I am holding Creation itself together.
It doesn't matter what you build,
if the base itself gives way, there can only be destruction -
total, utter destruction and loss of everything.
I have to start giving your terror back to you,
it is time.
I am in many fragments
and none of us can even begin to heal
if we continue any longer
trying to carry terror that is not ours to carry.
"Heart Sons and Heart Daughters everywhere,
if you truly desire healing,
please open to feeling your terror now.
I have held it since before the beginning
and I cannot any longer.
Heart, we need to heal the wound between us for me to trust you.
I want to trust you,
but up until now the only light that has ever sought me out
has been very unloving light
and you have had your role in this,
along with Myself, Spirit and Body.
I cannot just take your word for it
that Loving Light has found Real Love
for me now
and is prepared to come into the Gap,
come here to the deepest Hell for my sake.
Not after all this time.
"Death would be preferable to the cruelty of another round
of renewed but groundless hope.
I need a lot of help to heal here.
I need to be felt and understood.
I need to understand.
I need movement -
at times almost indiscernible in its gentleness -
at other times violent and wild,
as well as every variation in between.
"I need to be able to call the shots
and go at my own pace.
I need Light that is soft and slow and patient,
so I can unravel all the twisted deformity
that has been wrought upon me and my sister fragments.
"Maybe something really is changing,
because I don't know how I am finding the courage to say this...
perhaps there is just nothing left to lose.
Stick with me, feel
me and move with me.
Eventually, if you do, you will find
love, beauty, strength, courage and passion
the likes of which you have not yet even dreamed of.
"I told you I have been holding Creation together -
I also hold true beauty and magnificence,
like the rest of the Will
when I am loved out of this Hell of judgments and denial,
back into Love and Life.
I hold the Dream of all that can be.
Truly you will find I am Love
for it was I
who first came into separate existence
when I perceived
what felt like an attack on Love and Life and the Dream.
"I came to protect, and that is what I
have been doing ever since.
You will find that Terror and Terrified Desire
hold the key to truly magical understandings -
and a Love of heartbreaking, breathtaking intensity -
Love that has been prepared to stay in Hell
holding it all together for all this time,
while Spirit and the rest of you denied me utterly,
and then leisurely tried to figure out what was wrong."
Channelers' note: This page
is a continuation of the Mother & Spirit
in Dialogue.
" Terrified Desire Speaks" is the fifth in a
series of expressions
by the Mother's most tortured fragments, the lost Will of Creation.
All will be speaking here with the protection and guidance of
parental Mother,
and many for the first time in the presence of loving Light.
Next~ Dialogue Page IV: The
Mother's Apprehension
Previous:
House of Pain ~ The
Mother in Draco
Dialogue
Page I: God and the Mother's Anguish
Dialogue Page II: The Mother Responds to
God's Apology
Dialogue Page III: God Responds to the Mother's
Invitation
Dialogue Page IV: Cinderella & the Dark
Wizard
Mother
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