hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

8:30
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give again thanks to our ability to breathe,
and I do not mean the breathing
that keeps us alive from moment to moment,
for despite my growing wholeness and even happiness,
I am still not ready to be grate-full for living at all.
But since there is no alternative to existing and living,
I'm ever more grate-full for our incredibly woundrous tool
of changing our breathing in and breathing out
thus enabling us to ride ~~~~~
these ever intensifying, multiplying, crisscrossing waves
of  F E E L I N G  !

I give thanks, millions of thanks
for my growing capacity to welcome and live all my feelings,
letting them nourish me, challenge me, yes ! FULL-FILL me.

Finetuning to my Present
.
5 days ago I voiced my pain - again -
about the behaviour of the woman on these photos,
whom I had not met until then: Deqel, which means palm-tree!
See the coconut palm-trees yesterday morning, photographed - by chance - an hour before Deqel came to our meeting at Shoham
together with her little son Shakhar and -
surprisingly together with Rotem, my granddaughter..
Deqel is an art-teacher at the Democratic School at Modi'in
and also the tutor of Yael, Rotem's younger sister,
and as such responsible for the "Bat-Mitzva-Year" -
13 girls are becoming 12 years old during the school-year 2007-2008.

I also voiced my pain several times since the beginning of 2008
about Rotem,
who - as I now learnt - is one of Deqel's pupils in art.
Deqel had told her at 12:30, that she was going to meet me,
and spontaneously Rotem joined her.

The last time I saw Rotem, was
when the family celebrated (Dec.22, 2007) Mika's second birthday

The last time I had NOT heard from her, was on January 1, 2008,
when I wanted to cause her joy,
but instead brought upon myself more non-communication
on the part of her mother, my daughter,
and non-reaction on the part of Rotem
The latter is nothing unusual in Rotem's case,
and would not have bothered me so much,
if I had not the dire need to know,
if the reason was "the usual non-reaction",
or if it had to do with the insert of her creation on my website.

I, therefore, was very happy that she came,
though I was sad, that my main attention during those 90 minutes
would have to be given to Deqel, her teacher.

Still I took her aside for 5 minutes,
she said she was not opposed to the insert,
she had only been angry at her mother,
that she had sent the essay to many people
without having asked her first.
We agreed - shaking hands -
that in case she would send me her writings or paintings
in the future,
she would tell me explicitly
if I might "publish" them on Healing-K.i.s.s. or not.
A warm hug, and with this member of my family harmony has returned.

The same happened with the stranger, Deqel.
When they came and called me by phone "from the second floor",
they kept me waiting on the first floor for at least 5 minutes.
It turned out, that they had entered number 53 instead of number 51.
This says something about Deqel's "floating" above practical matters,
and it seemed, that this quality was all there was to that "behavior".

At the end of that celebration , Ronnit and Yael had asked me,
if I would be part of the Bat-Mitzva-Year activities
and teach the thirteen something about their Jewishness,
"nobody can do this like you!" said my daughter
- an appreciation which I haven't heard from her since 2002,
when I taught her "Learning Parents' Group"
the relevance of the first 4 chapters of the Bible for their lives..
(That activity was paid for - unlike the one in the Democratic school -
and with the money I got I could pay my last computer!)
Then there was the correspondence
about the purpose of my teaching, the structure, the content etc.
And suddenly -after my joyous response to Rotem's essay - disruption!.

On January 27 (?) I got a sudden call from Deqel, Yael's tutor.
She said, she wanted to meet me together with two parents.
The next day she said she would come in the evening at 19:00.
I've talked about my succumbing to what I didn't want,
out of my pattern "to make it easy for people".
The hours between 17:00 and 20:30 are dedicated to Mika only.
At 18:30 - a call from Deqel: "I won't come!" No explanation!
And then nothing at all until I got an e-mail 5 days ago: "Let's meet!"

If it hadn't been for Yael, my beloved granddaughter,
I would never have agreed in the first place
- watching so painstakingly over my "Hiddenness in Your Face",
and everything which happened since, including the "technical" fact,
that I sent Deqel my program, but it returned from both her addresses,
seemed to point into the direction: "It is not right, let it go!"

This little drama proves yet again, how unsimplistic "signs" and "lessons" are....

The fact was, that now Deqel, her baby and Rotem sat across me.
I led Deqel to my computer and made her read my program.
But then, when Deqel wanted to go right into the subject matter, I said:
"No, Deqel!
Before we can work together, something has to be done about trust!
I was very hurt by your lack of seriousness!"

She was shocked and explained anxiously:
"Half an hour before I was scheduled to drive to Shoham,
Noam, my son ( 2 3/4), fell on his head in a frightening manner.
I was in panic, and of course, we had to rush him to the clinic."

"But why didn't you tell me that!"

"I thought I did tell you", she said lowly.

"And then, what about the next two weeks of silence?"

Well that was - or so it seemed - her "floating" way.
After I had made sure, that Noam was alright,
it suddenly hit me:
"It was not your son's accident,
it was not your usual floating,
It was simply lack of motivation.
And how should you have felt motivated,
if you hadn't even seen my program?"

Rotem reinforced this:
"She probably had the association of those boring bible-lessons,
of which most of the pupils in Israel suffer and come to detest "Bible".

"Exactly! It's true, now that I've seen the program,
I'm in love with it, yes in love with it,
and I mean the first and rich proposal,
according to which each girl will get to know her personal "parasha",
and not the watered-down version,
which you agreed to, when your daughter feared,
that your proposal - though appreciated by her - may overwhelm the girls."

From then on we entered the details of the program,
and it was exhilarating to experience her co-creating!
I'll tell about this in the futre,
IF indeed this "DOING" of mine should be "right" after all.

I still don't understand, why this "birth" had to be so difficult.
I can't even blame myself for having judged Deqel's behavior

But it was different in Deqel's case.
There are cellphones nowadays, and she even had called me.
And there were days and weeks after that and she could have e-mailed me.
But the pain was not really about Deqel's seeming lack of seriousness.
I felt, that this was only an outcome of the fact,
that my daughter did not longer want to be involved
in what she herself had proposed.
She had said this to Efrat, my daughter-in-love.
So my pain was more about Ronnit than about poor Deqel.

And again -
why am I going on and on in staging this drama with my daughter?
But now, at least, it is clear-cut :
I'm at peace with Rotem, I'm at peace with Deqel,
and it's only Ronnit, with whom I'm no longer at peace.
"No longer", because until this latest disconnection
I could accept her expressive quest, to keep our distance.
This latest non-communication is exacerbated by the fact,
that I haven't seen Yael and Itamar
since that celebration of Mika's birthday either.
No grandma-day, nothing at all has been arranged with the "Quartet".

I am not writing this, in order to simply express my pain,
but in order to document my process of Healing into Wholeness.
These small and tiniest processes are what will manifest Heaven on Earth,
and not the big words about "Light and Love and Joy and Abundance".

If indeed the reason for the aggravation or Ronnit's non-communication
is my indiscretion of having inserted Rotem's essay on my website,
I must, once and for all, understand if I'm utterly mistaken
by my belief in transparency.
Or - if I am right, I must stop being so panicky about it, day after day ,
while sculpting "K.

23:41 this is where I was interrupted at 19:05,
when Efrat and Mika came home.
And after the episode "The Truth and nothing but the Truth" of "the 4400"
I went out to see, if some togetherness with Efrat would be possible.
We looked at the interpretation of the news
- the murder of the highest general of the Hizbollah-
and couldn't help voicing our opinion about this endless stupidity
of trying to lower a danger by murdering an enemy
and thereby heighten the danger because of the revenge that would follow,
and from there we got into more talking, until we reached what I called
"people's fight for secrecy and discretion,
against transparency".
It was there and then,
that Efrat conveyed to me a totally new perspective
of what happens to people with me,
be it that man of the desert snow images and his threats,
or be it my daughter and the essay of Rotem.
It was so amazing I can hardly believe,
that this could occur to me - something so new "at my age".
Please, do let me understand it deeper
and internalize it wholly and apply it to all my creations!
More in the coming days.