"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past

I don't know, what - around 3 PM - reminded me of something Dania said,
and since then it causes such a turmoil in my soul,
that I better spit it out:
She wants to organize a gathering of graduates,
"and without Ronnit (her pupil in 1978-79) it will not be what I want.
I've searched for 3 weeks, until somebody could give me your address,
and now I'm so happy that I'll find Ronnit."
She went on telling, how wonderful Ronnit was (then around 14),
how creative, how insistant on truth and clarity,
oh I wished I could remember it all.
She expressed her admiration for "the values she received at home",
and how I did, what no other parent would have done,
I asked permission to take her out of school for a workshop
(an Arab-Jewish Re-evaluation Counseling workshop with Harvey Jackins).
And then she said, what pierced me:
"That year I organized a big show for the end of the school-year,
and you (in the plural) complained, that it cost the parents so much.
But after the show you (in the plural) said, that it was worth it."
And she added:
"I don't know why I remember this detail."
"We always remember the things that caused us pain." I said,
already engulfed in a surge of pain and shame myself.
'Of course it was Rafael, who complained', I said to myself,
but this didn't comfort me,
after all it was me - the self-victimizing wife - who went along with him,
victimized in money matters first by my mother (who truly lacked money)
then by my husband (how truly did not lack money),
and then victimizing everyone involved in my life,
whenever it came to finances,
my children - and even Dania, that wonderful teacher.
It all came back to me, so many scenes I remember,
leave alone all those I don't remember, but still FEEL,
and my eyes fill with tears now that I'm writing this
and I want to hide my face in a cushion and sob and sob.
All this is epitomized in the name "Dania" now,
and it's covering even that other shame,
which I hinted at in my "thanksgiving" this morning.

"Is it this, what another person remembers about me?"

Again it is a ridiculous issue,
but suddenly wondering, worrying , what the things may be,
that thousands of people who met me in 70 years remember,
why does this trouble me at all? What's the matter with me?

While working on the bicycle episode,
a popup of "Nokia" (cellphone) informed me about updates,
and this time I did not postpone it, scared as I was
After all the procedures, the demand was to check the cellphone.
In order to have something to check
- I took this photo of my cherished vase
a geranium blossom from my garden
amidst twigs from my pomegranate tree,
which I pluck,
so they may not disturb Ofir's tractoron through "my" garden....

Can I believe it?
I feel envious!
competitive!

Somebody is better than me on his website!
Hans-Juergen Syberberg, once a film director
has found his new field of creation:
the World Wide Web

He designed more than 3000 daily web pages over the years, with about 50000 photos, texts and documenting links,
also to his own films.
Not an Internet Diary, but "creative coping with the past"
- and with the present everyday life.
Doesn't this sound familiar?????
But 5, even 6 million clicks on his site so far?
What about my 2 sites? My ego feels competitive!
"Superiorty Imprint" ! ha! there you are!

I opened the index of June 1, 2008
amazing photos!
and a few lines of text only!
Max Liebermann: "Malen ist weglassen", "to paint is to omit",
which is, of course, the opposite of what I do,
despite the radical limits I've imposed on myself:
sculpting each line,
writing in a language which isn't mine etc..

I would not feel so competitive,
if Syberberg would live in a different inner world.
But his perception seems to be similar to mine:
"I experience at least 4 worlds at once".
Like me he has been for so many decades on this planet
and not only the present, but the past, are available to us,
not only the individual life, but the life of so many people , peoples, histories, cultures etc.
Also, the way he takes care of his exterior environment,
the house and farm of his childhood,
which he re-acquired and since then keeps re-creating,
[not restoring!]
as a reflection of what he feels and believes inside -
isn't this a potential partner?
So instead of feeling envious, shouldn't I feel over-joyous?
I'm bewildered!
Maybe, if he would be closer geographically, physically.
But we cannot meet.
Two islands in a huge ocean.

So???
What about this rare feeling of envy?
First of all, I want to savor it!
I hardly ever met it!
It helps me to understand others!
And then, of course, I feel the joy,
that there indeed is such a man out there somewhere,
and that thousands of people per day enjoy him,
and some may even be inspired and empowered by him.
"What a wonderful world it will be,
when we each know the part that we play!"
He may be doing the work,
that I cannot do, or am not meant to do.
And I may be doing the work,
that he cannot do, or is not meant to do.
Two pieces of the puzzle - similar, yet different,
I'm glad! And my envy is gone.

[Now, on August 11, 2012 (!!!!) I read in Wikipedia:
"The Spiegel critic compared Syberberg to the young Hitler,
the failed art student in Vienna,
who rationalized his failure
by blaming it on a conspiracy of left-wing Jews.
Syberberg feels he is an unappreciated genius,
and he too blames it on the same forces. "

After the first fall

The second fall