I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
s
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
September
3/ Elul 3, Wednesday, 19th
day of "having died to righteousness"
-betweenBet
NehemyaandArad
Interactions: with Efrat & Mika until 8:30, with Meital &
Ofir for a minute - to pay my rent, with Zipi 20:10-20:25 Parting from my
obsession to complete this page--- on Sept. 5
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may!
17:00 back in Arad, probably for 8 full days I desire to take it easy, whatever
my greediness dictates,
the greed to complete - almost a month of k.is.s.-log pages
and the new greed - to watch and learn from the living together
of the Big Brother Community.
I desire that my children at Bet Nehemya will learn their present
Tomer lesson t o g e t h e r .
I desire to rejoice in the magnificent balance of my life -
al-one here, interacting&coping there.
Boris
- Leon's brother -
dismissed by error
Miki, when she learnt that she too was dismissed, cries "as
never in my life! I thought I was strong!"
i
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
No time
I'm grate-full for the harmony with
Efrat despite her terrible stress
I'm grate-full for Mika's sweet relating to me,
and for her glorious being !
I am grate-full for the two insights this morning,
one which is depressing, despairing
(about the extent of my "sweet evil")
and one which is exhilarating
(it brought a solution to a long-standing not-understanding:
why do we give emphasis to painful experiences
and ignore or soon forget joyful experiences?)
The first thing I did after resting, was to finally
edit the "Rachel is Seventy"
song,
which Efrat created on the basis of "Israel
is Sixty", and which all my Sixteen sang I changed one word: not "with a stormy
monolog", but "with a stormy
story",
this is nicer in content, has an alliteration like in English, and
lets the line have the same rhythm as the other first lines.
The
Head of the lady
the years colored white,
yes this is she and no other,
Christa Bat-Adam
The year seventy opens its eyes
and encounters Rachel
an energetic figure, an engraved figure,
a God-embracing* figure.
The year seventy then blinks
and checks in the diary,
and whispers to Rachel,
the medicine since long**
With
a stormy story she opens
and lists up to "Seventy"***
all she has in her amtakhat - sack [this term I remember well
from my research about Josef's brothers
in 1961, Genesis
44!]
all the challenges ****
There is a family and there is knowing
and a past and a future,
the year of 70 then folds itself,
she knows how to loose,
Yes, Time cannot overcome her,
to this we bear witness,
The past is a lamp to her feet [an idiom from Psalm
119:105]
the Future - a pupil
Chorus: Yes, she
is seventy,
that's how it's fixed,
but a number is only a sign,
she is ready,
she is prepared
she stays here for the future
seventy years is she old
this is known
without a flag, without a sign
Rachel's soul is without age,
she watches out
for what's ahead. The
last lines are almost direct
adaptations of "Israel
is Sixty"
I'm still excited
about my geranium-creation.
In the morning
the background is different.
I
try to photograph the tiny new sprouts,
but on the photo they look huge...
Tiny sprouts
- in reality between 50 and 100 milimeter-
are able to contrast an entire street,
if put in perspective...
I decide, that it's time to dispose of
the leftovers
of the birthday candle-plate, with me in the middle
and my Sixteen around me.
Since Mika so much loves technical work,
I show her, how she can scratch away and break the red paraffin.
She is so absorbed in the job,
that she doesn't hear her mother's questions.
A little later
- without her dummy, but
half naked, because had a "taqalah", a mishap
she dances around like a witch on a her broom
I heard her saying several times: "I've
a beautiful idea"
and asked her: "Where did you learn
this expression?" "On television!"
Yes, I now remember to have heard this often on kids' shows.
But how does a kid her age, or any kid for that matter, remember,
where s/he picked up a new word?
And still a little later - after bath, supper
and toothbrushing - she wants to play,
and while playing sings the Mika-song, which she heard already in
the womb.
Then she says: "teach me", and I let her fingers play and
hear a terce,
which was the first musical delight of the 3 year old Mozart, as I
once learnt.
This morning under my desk,
she again plays with Nella
I may help her dress and help her brush her teeth (she is very
good at both already)
but when it comes to combing her hair (which she also does quite
well herself),
Imma wants to finish this herself...
On our way to kindergarden for Mika, bus-station
for me, work for Efrat,
Mika was in the happiest of moods
and I am happy for having these photos to remember this. Though I've "given up" yearning
for somebody since 1999,
I watch myself yearning for Mika more and more.
Finetuning to my Present
It was a smooth travel ,
and having busied myself with repairing my skirt and that
purse (see
tomorrow)
I didn't suffer at all today.
Back in Arad I went to the postal bank - it was closed,
a sign pointed to a different location for several months.
When I couldn't find it rightaway, I became impatient, "I'll ask Ofir to be content
with a check this time" (1050 NIS for the rent,
all inclusive)
but people helped.
Then I went to the grocery to buy the first few items since
2 months,
then to the pool - fantastic, since almost empty,
then lunch, sleep, glancing into " Big Brother",
and since the sound was missing, zapped into a 3 SAT doc about
"rival women",
the one I zapped into, was about the three women of the last
Persian Shah,
the first an Egyptian - no son , therefore divorce,
the second - Suraya, a German - no son, therefore divorce,
the third an Iranian - Farah - a son, yes, but the Shah,
who had just crowned himself and his third wife as Emperor
and Empress
was driven away from throne and country,
"Farah still hopes that her son will one day be re-enthroned"...
The judgmental perspective of the doc -with which I totally
agreed -
was the "entertainment" this story gave the people
at the time through the media,
and the pressure of expectations under which those women suffered....
Finally I can report the two great insights I had this morning:
We had left the house and driven just 300 m, close to the
water-tower,
- Efrat got a phonecall - when I realized I had forgotten
my hand-bag
with all the precious things in it, mainly the mobile hard
disk.
Efrat - though on the phone - said: "no
problem, we'll return",
and when she had turned the car: "How
dramatic you always are!"
Later, when she had let me off near Mika's kindergarden and
my bus-station,
I wanted to look inside: Why had I panicked like that?
After all I hadn't lost the bag, I had only forgotten it,
which only meant, that Efrat - in a hurry as usual - would
be delayed by 5 minutes.
It's a trauma, which causes the drama.
I've told the traumatic incident elsewhere (where?)
but the point is , that this time I didn't content myself
with healing
the trauma.
How come, that one such scene - in which I behaved as a victim
-
overrides any positive memory of my marriage?
Or - as another application of the same law -
why did Oriya, the "fat"woman in "Wholly naked"
forget about all the compliments,
when one woman remarked, she shouldn't wear a bikini.
Or - still another application -
it's the only sentence I remember from Thomas Mann's "Diary
about Dr. FAustus",
which Rafael gave me to read in 1961:
Mann wonders, why he gives so much more weight to a negative
critic
over innumerable positive critics. [the next day I came across
a page, in which I mention the same predicament,
and exactly with reference to Rafael..]
This time I got an answer rightaway! It was amazing: "You remember these painful
scenes or moments,
because it is from them that you learn. And often you learn only through
a long chain of similar experiences.
If you would forget one of them, you would have to experience
it again." "But what kind of life is it,
which is only 'learning lessons'?" I protested. "Most of your life - if you
learn to finetune to it - consists of good moments.
You don't have to remember these,
because after a good moment another good moment will occur,
and yet another and so on.
Provided, of course, that you are able to really enjoy what
you live,
moment after moment.
The lessons are one way to teach you to see what's there and
to enjoy it,
and eventually your life will be like a lively lake,
serene sometimes, stormy sometimes, but with no danger of
drowning."
Since I couldn't remember the second insight, [see
tomorrow]
I got up to be a few minutes with the Big Brother group.
Big Brother Drama 00:00
Coincidence, one woman was talking
to the Arab Ranin,
who obviously had shared her fears about being judged
for taking part in a reality program.
That woman said: "Why is
it that people love 'Reality'?
Because they want to identify with someone!
What others say and do and feel and dream,
they want to find themselves here in our house.
And as to you, what can people say about you?
That you are beautiful, intelligent, that you have
to say something,
that you are a personality (she listed many
more qualities). so concentrate on the good things
you have experienced in your life!
Forget about the bad things...."
Jede Faser meines Wesens,
Jeder Atem ein und aus,
Muskeln, Zellen, Kapillaren,
Alle wissen um dies Eine,
Dass da wirken jetzt im Leben
alle Kraefte meiner Liebe
alle Kraefte meiner Liebe
Jeder Stern im Universum,
Jeder Augenblick der Zeit
Alle Wellen dieses Meeres
Warten, harren auf dies Eine
Dass da wirken jetzt im Leben
Alle Kraefte meiner Liebe,
Alle Kraefte meiner Liebe.
Meiner Seele stetes Sehnen
Jede Regung meines Geists,
All mein Hoeren, Spueren, Sehen
Wandeln stroemend sich in Eines
In das Wirken meines Lebens
Aus den Kraeften meiner Liebe
Aus den Kraeften meiner Liebe
Euch Geschoepfen und Euch Schoepfern,
Menschen, Erden dieser Welt
Euch den Nahen, Euch den Fernen
Sag ich danke fuer dies Eine,
Dass da wirken jetzt im Leben
Alle Kraefte meiner Liebe
Alle Kraefte meiner Liebe
