hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

9:15
My Body, my Partner, my God
Though after the info about "an infection in the ligament" I prefer to not exercise,
I give thanks for the rediscovered 13th lesson of Aya's "Paula Keys"
[Continuation of yesterday's altar]
The knees can bend, the body can bend with hands almost to the floor,
the waist can turn sideward,
"in order to make it easier for the body,
but don't do, just listen to what wants to move and how!"
When i pointed to pains on the backside of the calves , Aya said:
"Well, this one [of which you' ve never been aware!] we've just now
brought down from the "Boiden" (Yiddish for a storage place under the roof)
I laughed & thought, how many of your parts, BODY, are still on the "Boiden"?
I'm grate-full, that my desires for I. and E. were partly fulfilled, less stress with T.
(I. to me: "I calculated, that -on Dec. 8 - I was phoning altogether for 140 min.,
My head exploded with pain, Herpes appeared etc. -Today it's a bit better!").
I'm grate-full, that E. drove me to the Ultrasound Institute and cared so deeply,
I'm grate-full for having created the "Magician" sculpture on yesterday's page.
I'm grate-full for many a humerous interaction with Mika
and for continous communication with my daughter-in-love.
I'm grate-full for having re-read "... 'driving backward' is this change of attitude,
from willy-nilly manifesting based on false assumptions of what you want ~
to careful consideration,& even reverence for what has already come into existence. "

Finetuning to my Present
"A trigger comes to point out
a hole in my wholeness that now wants to heal":

While I was called into the Ultrasound lab, Efrat went with Mika outside
in order to buy a sweet for Mika.
Clever Mika said:
"We need to buy a 'surprise' also for grandma, since the doctor had to check her."
Efrat "therefore" bought pretty pieces of chocolate for 10 NIS,
"so we have to munch something when we watch Big Brother tonight."
While sitting together on the sofa, I took what I believed was "my share",
but was scared, that I might be accused of taking too much.
And indeed, the manifestation of my fright came quickly.
E. exclaimed: "what a baby you are, with all your craving for sweets".
I was triggered and voiced this : "I'm hurt now, and I'll never again... ",
which was always my way of taking revenge: making the other feel guilty.
E. laughed even more:
"I'm joking! After all these years you still react from your traumas!"
I caught myself on the spot:
"You are right! There you can see, how a hole attracts a trigger."

This morning - after Tomer left & before Mika was woken up - I felt
that E. wanted me to join her smoking session on the still rain-wet veranda.
When we again scanned all the incidents and interactions of the last 2 days, that chocolate trigger helped me to open Efrat's eyes
as to the true reason for some of T's outrageous behaviors....

It is also a good example
as to how my own "retardedness" is needed for healing creation.
For if I would already be totally healed & whole and not attract any trigger (the way Boris and Zipi learnt from me how to not take on anyone's blaming
and - when blamed by Rachel herself - to say lovingly: "this is your's, Rachel!")
I would not be able to help people.
as is said somewhere in "Bringers of the Dawn -1992"
- you incarnated many times before this present period,
for if you wouldn't have gone through what people go through,
how could you understand them and help them?

My own healing of the "chocolate-hole" was put to a test right this morning:
"Oh! there are no cereals left for Mika's breakfast!" exclaimed Efrat.
It was exactly yesterday morning, that - craving for something sweet,
and not daring to touch the leftover of the cheese-cake of last Shabbat -
I munched a leftover of cereals in a bag, which I had discerned as unused since ages.
I remember having fed Mika cerials half a year ago, still at Shoham then,
and never ever saw Mika eating cereals since then, neither at Shoham nor here.
But this is how triggers work, and my "standing the test" meant
- to be whole with having eaten the cerials, not taking on any blame,
even if there should have been blame (and of course there wasn't!) ,
and not "swearing revenge", like: "I'll never eat anything before asking you,
though you've told me hundreds of time that I could, yes, even s h o u l d eat
from whatever food was there anywhere."
And remember, that "laughter is the final stage of healing!"

"Why is this book here with you?"
"You showed it to me 2 days ago, and I wanted to learn about it more"
She opens it - upside down - and explains,
how the "Sheep Racheli" cannot fall asleep like all other sheep.
So it counts its feet, and then the stars....

I was reminded of my own childhood.
Ever since I had been 6 years old,
I could not fall asleep before 10-11 o'clock at night,
but until the age of 12 I had to be in bed at 8 o'clock,
much time to suffer, to think about 'God and the World',
and to invent devices, which would make me fall asleep,
like counting, yes, but also like naming all the saints,
whom I was taught in my first two school years in a catholic village,
to which we had been evacuated from bombard Stuttgart