pp43 Self-Victimization
See also pp28 and 28b

2011_06_24, Listen to the video with an interview with Kay Pollak,
about his 2004 movie "as it is in heaven" and the liberation from victimhood
which is a demonstration of a process towards the creation of "Conditions for Heaven-on-Earth"

"Even when you think you have a situation well in hand,
it can turn in a direction you did not anticipate.
This is not because there is an outer objective world
that you do not control.
This is because you have been asleep to
Who You Truly Are
and your role as host of your own world."
[from "Truth and Reality Class I : when the host sleeps"]

Maryam, 2001/11/27 ; updated: 2005_11_16

As I said in pp41 and pp42,
in order to come to grips with
applying: "I create my reality"
on: "Being/Feeling" a victim,
I decided to differentiate
between clear-cut victim-perpetrator relationships
and situations, where it is just as clear-cut Myself,
making myself a victim,
or feeling a victim,
or playing the victim game.

My present example for this is
my reaction to what my victim-Me
deplores as "being hunted by the authorities".

(continuation will follow one day.
2001/12/27. No, it will not follow,
instead I want to remember again:
" there may be a temptation
to assert yourself and your rightness
against the power structure around you.
But this will be unnecessary,
and for the first few,
important to avoid entirely...
because you will have nothing to say
and nothing to prove.
You and your immediate peers in healing
will be your own proof. " )

Another example is that e-mail exchange
between me and my granddaughter Elah:

"...Of course, you are only fourteen, and therefore have a "right" to blame the grownups. But , you know, having the "right" isn't helpful. My brother drove on the "right" side of the road. A drunken American soldier driver killed him anyway. ........ "All I want is fame, is this too much to ask?" "From whom do you ask this? It's your life, it's your choice, it's your responsibility. No human being and no God can create YOUR reality. And since you think you are actually much older than 14, you ARE ABLE to REMEMBER from before this life-time, that you have chosen your present difficult circumstances in order to heal and learn and grow so as to become what you want to become. It's like when you choose to go to E., - in summer, - alone, - to your friend.. You know what kind of experiences you'll have. You know that if you would go to E. in winter, the experiences would be different. You know that if you would stay in a hotel, the experiences would be different. You know that if you would go with another friend, the experiences would be different. And of course, they would be different, if you would choose to go to another place, or another country. The difference between your choosing where to go and your choosing your life's circumstances, is only in the fact, that you are aware of the first, while you don't remember and deny the second. This forgetting and denying, of course, is also a choice. You choose to feel being a victim, being victimized. This is also o.k., Elah! IT IS AN EXPERIENCE FROM WHICH YOU LEARN. It is an experience which will make you grow and expand. ....... "The world is not an honest place?" you say? The world is as honest as you choose it to be. And remember, that you chose ME as your grandmother, just as I chose YOU as my eldest granddaughter. I am there for you, if and when you should need me. [Grandma]

29 Aug 2001 22:31 [Grandma] I fainelly red your letter I dont have much to say right now I no that evrything is what i choose it to be for three years I chose that you are not my grandmother and now ive changed my the way i feel but not evrything i can chang i can choose but i cant chang i chose that you are not my grandmother bu that didnt changed the fact that you are i can choose to be happy but things will keep on macking me mesrebule ... i can choose to be aman but ill always stay a woman i wanna be famose and im on my way but not in the right place ican choose to be in usa will i be in usa? ... so yes i con choose but it never chang Elah 2002_12_06 Elah often boasts: "You'll see everything I want will come true." And, in fact, her wish to live in USA, was fulfilled much earlier than she thought. In May 2002, her father, my son, was asked to move to Detroit for a year. He suggested, that Elah should take advantage of this chance to spend a school year in the land of her dreams. A painful, even disgusting process followed, until Elah's mother - bribed - agreed. The strong involvment of my son's step-sister and her husband, which I advocated, proved to be damaging rather than helpful, and the wounds between the siblings were hardly masked at their gathering on the anniversary of their father's death. Elah suddenly doubted that she wanted to go. She did go. But she returned to Israel after 3 months. Isn't it better to stay a dreaming victim than to take responsibility for the reality you choose? I admit, that it's my unhealed pain about Elah, which produces this cynicism.

Almost ten years later:
As much as in 2002 Elah dreamt about the USA,
she now dreams about moving to Berlin Germany.
In June 2012 she sees "signs from Heaven":

I refer to pictures of Elah's cousin Rotem Shai in Berlin

Immanuel refers to the drama "Orchestra on Probation", in which Elah played the main character Fanya Fenelon.

Maryam, 2001_12_07; last update: 2002_08_16

I needed to uproot the following passage
from its context of "Retrieving Goodness".

To be victimized as a child is one thing.
To let myself be victimized as a grownup,
yes, as a spouse in a society that believes
in the equality of man and woman,
is quite another -shameful- matter.

When I forget why I chose this relationship,
I am unable to forgive myself.
If I'll now mention the two worst incidents.
I'll wallow in either self-pity or self-disgust:

I had finally been granted the happiness,
to join my lover in his far-away country.
After a year my mother announced her visit.
I responded with a warm invitation to her.
I then got a letter from my beloved brother,
that he too wanted to come for the summer.

1962 -as a student of 20 - no joy? On his lonely rides on his bicycle later exchanged for a motor-bike then for a car - in which he was killed

"No", said my husband, "one of your family is enough".

Like a sheep dragged to slaughter I told so my brother.
He was so offended, that he didn't come for five years.

Then he came, with his wife.
And despite my daily victim displays
and despite never standing up for him,
we discovered how deep our bond was,
now that no mother was around,
to incite one child against the other.

Between my pregancy1962 and my marriage1964 - the ambivalent uncle of my illegitimate child from a Jew ~~~ 1969 as a teacher, married and father of two.

"There's a short holiday in February",
he wrote.He was a teacher.
"Can I come again? I miss you so!"
I wrote: "Yes, yes, yes!"
He bought a plane-ticket.
I cut the roses early, so they would blossom.
I planned his favourite dishes.
But then, 2 weeks before our reunion,
he was dead.

My husband loved me, but he was not my friend.
I could never tell him, how much I hated myself,
for not having stood up for myself 5 years earlier.
I could have been with my brother every year ~

The other example of how I collaborated
with my husband to victimize me
brings up less pain, but more shame:

The whole family had come to my former home-country.
We rented a car and drove around vast distances,
always staying with family or friends for 2-3 days.

By that time my mother was in a pitiful state,
not only lonely, but inflicted with Altzheimer.

My former fiance - still in contact with us and her,
advised her to join us on our journey to his family.

When my husband heard of this proposal,
he went into one of his dreaded frenzies:
"You can choose - either her or me!"
I let myself be dragged to the phone,
I let him force me to pick up the receiver,
I let him make me invent a miserable lie,
"I'm terribly sorry, mother,
but you can't come with us,
because ~~~"

It was her last chance to visit a friendly home
 though she was to "live" for another 16 years.

I cried my heart out.
What compounded the shame was the fact,
that this happened while we were hosted
by my old revered teacher of religion.
What impression would she receive
of a marriage I had highly praised.

I couldn't help sobbing.
What a worm was I.

I've discharged this story dozens of times.
But even now, as I write and sculpture it,
I yearn with all my heart to turn back the clock,
to relive this situation and to stand up for myself.
And to prevent him from becoming the victimizer.

Many other incidents now flap like bats around my mind..
How then can I redirect myself towards my healing goal,
which is "to retrieve the goodness" in my past marriage?

The goodness expresses in my present ability,
to differentiate between my self-victimization
and what I call "Victimization of the Mother".

2002_10_25

Before I phrased my goal as
"Healing    myself  into   wholeness  , and, by extension,   all of Creation"
the same goal had a more specific focus, as phrased in my 1993 Succah Diary:

"It was then - by the end of 1980 -
that I decided to retreat into my inner desert
and find out,
how I could work on the root of so many maladies:
self-victimization!

"The Succah-Vision is
- beyond its more obvious aim of "Man's Integration with Nature"
- the mature fruit of this understanding:

the Succah is a situation,
where I and other creative people train
in becoming masters of our lives."

While waking up some days ago, a picture from among many dreams stayed vivid:
A red English Biblical quote [Deut. 30, 17-19] in the form of an inverted pyramid,
and next to it the name "Harvey Jackins".

"See I gave before you today life and good and death and bad..
I call-as-witness against you the heavens and the earth:
the life and the death I gave before you,
the blessing and the curse.
And you choose life
so you may
live."

The day before I - who rarely read nowadays - read about Dreaming
as if to remind myself, to watch out for unhealed emotions in my past.
I held on to that picture, until "Harvey Jackins" associated a memory.
I've told about the founder of Reevaluation Counseling
and that his teachings were - after Christianity and Judaism -
the greatest gift, I got, keeping me alive literally,
until I met God's info in "Right Use of Will".

During an Arab-Jewish workshop in Shfayim, Israel, 1978,
I came to talk with him in his room and he ----asked me sleep with him.
Shocked, horrified, far from any desire - I agreed.
Shocked - for this man was the originator of the "Blue Pages",
which forbade friendship and sexual relations between counselors.
In a counseling session people become REAL,
and this naturally produces attraction and love.
But while learning and healing - counselors should meet as many people as possible,
and not settle in the cosy greenhouse of a few with their maybe comfortable patterns.

The aftermath was as ugly as described by many women:
the man falls asleep, snores and I finally fled to the room of other participants.
In the morning - there was no facing up to what he and I had allowed to happen.
On his part there was the rationalization of "It brought us closer",
and on my part there was utter disgust, with myself first of all,
about still not being able to stand up to "Grownups",
people whom I deemed to stand above me.
A terrible problem in my vagina, which tortured me for weeks,
made my husband suspicious, and more ugliness followed: lies.

Much later I wrote a letter to Jackins, telling him,
that he was the last man from whom I expected a reenactment of my childhood nightmare.
He did not own up to it.
On the contrary, he humiliated me.

Many years later - in 1996, I think - I gave the two of us a last chance.
I heard about a workshop in Israel. I was not accepted to it. I took part by force.
I tried to talk privately with Jackins and in front of the whole group.
I often had my grandchild Arnon in my arms, to free his mother, who also participated.
Everyone had a right to participate, while I was threatened with the police.
Everyone who raised his/her finger, was listened to, I was overrun.
One participant who was chosen for a demonstration of the technique on stage,
used the chance to tell, what Rachel meant for him.
It was then, that Harvey called into the audience;
"Did you hear that, Rachel!"
I received it as an apology.
But I had not really succeeded in winning him over
to heal this pain and shame together.
A year ago, or so, he died in his sleep.

When I had come this far - not for the first time in all those years - all the while breathing intensely,
another name popped up : Eliezer Shmu'eli,
He was for many years the director of the office of the Minister of Education,
and I had contacted him as a potential partner, already in the seventies concerning "Partnership"
and then again in 1993, when I pushed for a breakthrough of my Desert Economy Vision.
At that time I lived in Tel-Aviv in the flat of Michal Dror, who worked as a hostess in the Succah.
Following a phone call the big shot was ready to come to my place to continue our talk.

How naive could I be?
Hadn't I experienced time and again, that my age of 55 didn't protect me?

He didn't linger long before suggesting to go to bed together.
Again I was shocked, horrified, without the slightest desire,
but
I agreed,
not able to step out of my terror which dictated to me:
"If you refuse, he'll not help you fulfill your vision".
Oh that shame, that disgust, that pain- even now.
It seems, that some experiences can never heal.

In this case I didn't wait for years to give us a chance to face up to what we should not have done.
When we sat on chairs again, I confronted him with the fear, that had made me succumb to him.
He got terribly mad and left - forever.

When I had come this far, - still lying on my mattress with closed eyes, concentrating -
I associated a much, much earlier experience, which suddenly completed this puzzle:

In Jerusalem, on 1960_11_04, after a common Shabbat dinner at his aunt's house,
Rafael Rosenzweig Accompanied me to the students' hostel. My roommate was out.
Unlike Jackins or Shmue'li, Rafael was in my heart, though I was not yet aware of it.
After all I was deeply in love with my fiance Martin, who was far away in the USA

We talked about death, and I felt a cold grip in my neck, when I learnt,
that he believed, death was the end and there was nothing beyond.
Then he started to touch my hand and gestured, that we should go to bed.
Horrified I said, that I had never done this, and wouldn't do it until the wedding.
He said sternly:
"Haendchen Halten gibt's bei mir nicht",
"to just hold hands has no way with me".
I got terrified.
He was a Jew after all, and I a German!
I tried to escape and told him about that almost-rape at the age of ten.
He said: "This trauma can keep you away from men forever, if you don't..."
But it wasn't this manipulation that let me succumb, nor the least desire.

2002_11_09
This is the day of the 1938 pogrom, called the "Crystal Night", 12 weeks after my birth.
"Why didn't you kill more Jews, instead of destroying so many valuable things!"

How did a victim wife grow into a true grandmother,
because of her 4 grandchildren who stood up to her?
See today's sculpture of the movie: "Homecoming".

2005_11_16

I discovered a summary of my "problems" with the authorities during my mobile life,
a demonstration of victimhood....

2011_12_29

So far I thought, that the Legal System was something,
that will no longer be necessary in "Heaven-on-Earth".
But I doubt my thinking,
when I watch myself being attracted to the pseudo-reality show
"Richterin [judge] Barbara Salesch",
in the German-speaking 1 SAT channel.
I'm fascinated by the ways of accusation and defense, evolved since Roman times,
and by the goal of process and procedures of uncovering denials and blatant lies.
And I wonder, why my father studied Law and even had a PH.D. in Law,
and why my first real boy-friend, Ruediger Philipowski, studied Law,
and why my fiancee, Martin Fincke, even became a professor for Law,
and an expert in the exploration of Russian Law.

Because of this phenomena in my life I was glad to discover,
through the One Becoming One group e-mail
that Sylvia Clute teaches how to transform the Legal System
"Unitive vs. punitive Justice".

It's not my preference to learn, how this works.
It's enough for me to rehearse these slogans:
"Unitive vs. punitive Justice"
and another one by Erik Lawyer:
"Communication In Conflict Beyond Agression & Submission:
How Do We Learn Anew?"





"The Heart of It All — Unitive vs. Punitive Justice:
Is it possible to transform the legal system?
Join us with guest Sylvia Clute as we discuss
the role of unitive and restorative justice
and restorative justice circles
in transforming our legal system.
Sylvia's hands-on work as a trial attorney led her to realize
our current system is inherently flawed and cannot be fixed.
Sylvia will share wisdom from her years of research
about the distinction between what she calls Unitive Justice and our typical model of punitive justice.
Is it really possible to shift so completely
that Unitive Justice would be possible as a system in our culture?
Sylvia will share living examples of why she believes this is so. "

I didn't have the patience to figure out the exact links,
So I'll only mention the names of websites,
which are - as names - proving, what is right in the world and can be celebrated:
: CONTACT, Talk Radio Network,Consciousness in action