My shadow in the sand,
at the Mediterrenean Sea , July 2002,
The Search for "Shadow" on my local site
brought up a page I had forgotten:
"Redemption of the Shadow"....

Finetuning to my Present - Challenges on the path to total Self-acceptance

In exploring more and more of the million-headed monster of
"I must be righteous and perfect in my own eyes as in everybody elses' eyes"
I discovered that my shame-torture results from the wish to be righteous:


[1]

When Ofir came to ask me to baby-sit, he also asked me how "it" was.
Why then, instead of telling for instance about the great "Quintet - Day",
did I "need" to tell him about Efrat's and my difficulty
with my children's & grandchildren's "unreliability"?.
I was immediately ashamed of having thus put into his head
- an emotion-loaden judgment about people of whom he knew nothing else.
To vibrate my shame is one thing, which is always the first thing to do,
but freedom and wholeness embraced me, when I released the judgment
that I need to be righteous and not do such a thing as slandering my own family.

[2]

Another - seemingly tiny - aspect of my need to be righteousness is this one:
While in the car to the Lod train-station,
I thanked Ra'ayah for the food-gifts, she had left me on my birthday,
and - in an attempt of praising her even more - said:
"but were those really leftovers?
Wasn't the Silan (date-syrup) a new glass-jar, which you bought especially!"
"No, it wasn't full. The jar had been there for too long,
so I took out what I wanted and gave you the rest."
"But the cover was so unmovable,
that I had to use a tool to make a hole in it to let the air in!"
"That was, because the syrup was sticky!"
When I opened the jar at home in Arad, I, indeed, found it half empty !
I became aware, that I had mixed up this jar with a jar at Bet Nehemya.
For there, when I looked for Silan for the Pfannkuchen dinner with the Quintet,
I found a new container, the cover of which I needed to pierce.
If this wasn't enough to confuse my memory, it happened, that hours later
I came, this time by chance, across an open jar with a remnant of Silan in it.
In my wish to praise Ra'ayah, my memory brought up only "SILAN"!
I couldn't remember the other items for which I had wanted to thank her,
like the special cake she had made for me.

One of the first "thoughts" this morning (it's now 7:42 and -while correcting: 8:38) was:
"I should call Ra'ayah and tell her about my error
and also tell her about the real things I wanted to thank her for."

This grimace of righteousness was piercing me with
"you should - by all means - avoid being judged "senile" by your children!"
and another grimace said:
"you messed up the chance to praise Ra'ayah and give her a moment of self-love?"

But NO! I am NOT righteous!
I AM forgetting things, mixing up jars of Silan,
I AM NOT able to help people to love themselves.
And I accept myself as flawed.


[3]

I also understand - while thinking that it's almost a month now
that I didn't manage to "complete" any of the K.i.s.s.-Log pages -
that the terrible shame I feel,
when thinking of a visitor, who might open a page after all,
has its root in the very same judgment: I must be righteous.
I now (in rereading and correcting this sculpture rightaway,
and not as usual only days later , - even before sculpting today's altar)
discern the stripe of 3 printed lines, glued around the stand of my lamp:
I release the judgment that I have something to protect.
I release the judgment that I must defend myself if attacked.
I release the judgment that I know what is right.
[it's a quote from Godchannel : Superdevils']
It, therefore, was unnecessary that for some days I added
"& my Perfectionism" to "the Death of my Righteousness".


[4]

The smell in my room -
it's not leaving as usual after ten minutes of re-living in it after my absence.
"People will come in and say: oh what a smell of an old woman's home."
I'm surprised to discern the content of this specific projection!
I thought I had no problem with being seen as "old".
The same is with my recent old-man-coughing, with lots of mucus coming up.
I am so disgusted , when I hear this coughing from men.
To accept myself as being seen and even heard as an old man,
that's a challenge on my path to self-acceptance!


[5]

I AM FLAWED!
My 70th birthday was the death of flawless Christa-Rachel
and the resurrection of flawed Bat-Adam - daughter of Man,
actually Bat Adom - daughter of the red one
or "Bat Aduma" - red daughter
for I agree with Nietzsche's Zarathustra:
"der Mensch ist das Tier, das rote Backen hat",
"Man is the animal which has red cheeks", red with shame.

As long as the shame is only mine,
the letting go of flawlessness seems to be possible.
But what when it comes to causing other people to feel shame because of me?
I've worked on "Shame" so much!
And I am grate-full that the attraction of the latter situation occurs rarely.
But if I should attract it, then the response should be the same:
On my 70th birthday flawless Christa-Rachel died
and flawed Bat-Adam, the WHOLE Red Daughter, rose from the dead.


[6]

But what is the difference between this inner freedom
and the cheap pathetic self-excuse of people:
"I'm not perfect!", or "I'm only human!" Or: "So what?"

I hadn't meant it as a cheap excuse,
when I used the latter as a slogan on the bottom of each K.i.s.s.-Log page,

whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete

And yet Lior Oren must have understood it like that.
For when I showed her a page on K.i.s.s.-Log - she asked:
"why did you write on the bottom: so what ?"

For many months I myself hadn't paid attention to the line with the smileys!
nor had it really helped me to let go of the righteousness-perfectionism-pattern.
Nor is it even exact phrasing, as I realize only in this moment,
for the "So what" does pertain only to "never perfect&complete",
and definitely not to "whole&full-filled".
Another reason for shame!

Should I now delete this "flaw" on page after page since January 1?
Thank you, Lior, for having made me aware!
I'll live my shame and only from this day onward shall I delete the
and transfer one smiley to the end of the line above:
whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete
And only on the Intro-Page I'll tell ,
that that slogan through all the 8 months of 2008
was corrupt in grammar and unclear in content!

[7]

In the pool I remembered, that 'righteousness' is not only 'flawlessness'.
To say, I should be righteous is as much a paradox as to claim, that God is almighty.
"Is God capable of creating a stone so heavy that God is incapable of lifting it?"
or as the claim, that Jesus was "in everything like us humans, but without sin",
while he caused so many people to become more sinful then they were before...

To claim that "you can get all you desire"
- the never-tiring claim of the "spiritual people",
is also a paradox:
I desire to complete all my pages,
I desire to insert also this and this input from experience, memory, or media
in yesterday's page,
- how can this be fulfilled in the way the desire is phrased?
Even if the desire would not be patterned,
there simply would never be enough time to do fulfill it
There might be a universe, when/where each desire is full-filled in an instant,
but then there won't be any challenge, any excitement, any feeling of full-fill-ment.


Oh, I can't put into words what I understood and felt in the pool.
I must let go now and wait,
until more experiences, more challenges on my path to self-acceptance, will teach me.

The progression in understanding since my sculpture about the Task of Shame
is, that there is not only a task in Shame!
There truly is unnecessary suffering in it!
The terrible feeling of Shame has to do with the judgment,
that I need to be flawless in my actions, words, thoughts and feelings,
and~~~ righteous without casting a shadow by my very righteousness.

I want to end this incomplete thinking process with a smile:
When I returned from my baby-sitting, after Ofir had come back,
I, by chance, looked into the mirror and saw that my hair was uncombed...
"What a shame!"
I then remembered, how - on the day of my birthday celebration -
I stood in front of my singing Sixteen ~~~~ in my street-sandals,
though I had - in time - put the festive sandals next to the entry-door
in order to not forget to put them on, when I would return from my walk,
the walk, Efrat had asked me to do, so they could all gather and rehearse the song.
"What a shame!"
Especially since only a week earlier, Tomer (not my daughters!) had remarked:
"I'm surprised! You do have sandals which are pretty after all!"
"What a shame!"

Finetuning to my Present - last part of the Quintet-Day and its challenges

When Efrat had left for work, the lunch table had not yet been cleared.
Now she came back from work, and saw the messy table after the 4 o'clock meal.
She mumbled to herself something like: "Is one eating here around the clock?"
and I had to remember, that I was not flawless...
When everything was in order except for the dishes in the sink,
she said: "Don't bother to clean up, I'll do it later." So I left it.
But before that I could see clearly, how pressured I was,
as if it was my own interest only to have this Quintet-Day,
and as if I had to all the time apologize for our being around.
Which was the hole that got so triggered on August 1.
But now I could see, what dictated my feelings,
and even if I could not always prevent myself from acting on these feelings,
the progress was enormous:
"Even if I have no right to be around with my four grandkids,
I AM around and shall STAY around,
for I don't have to be righteous."
This was so much deeper than releasing the judgment,
that I have no right to exist and no place in this world.
The release of the judgment, that I need to be righteous, flawless, shadowless,
seems to include many of my other torturous judgments.

I hurried up to have at least half an hour of going into "nature" with the kids,
now that the heat had receded a bit,
though we wouldn't be able to reach the nice area beyond the highway.
"Yes, yes! I want to explore this new environment", said Arnon.

Efrat helped Mika to put the "right" sandals on
(that I had failed in doing this,
was another reason for defending myself - though faintly:
"When Itamar and Ayelet accompanied Mika outside,
she already had her new sandals on, so I didn't want to bother them.
By the way I have cleaned them (from the shit of the sheep pen the day before).
"I have cleaned them already myself!" , Efrat said
- for she too becomes as fast defensive as I do ....
"well, then I have added more thorough cleaning"
(I had done so of course, because I feared, I wasn't righteous enough,
when I had taken Mika to the shitty sheep pen).

On the background of these nitty-gritty grainy challenges
on the path to Self-Acceptance,
I am griefed to see, how people sidetrack themselves
by begruding big dramas:

[Efrat: "Are you up-to-date with that terrible murder of a 4 year old by her mother and grandfather,
which took the police 4 months to even know about and they have still not found her,
it pains me so much".
I only said: "I don't want to hear things like that".
I didn't have the courage to say: "Why do you give energy to these gigantic dramas,
which make you feel powerless , to say the least,
while we here in this house at Bet Nehemya have so much to do with our little dramas,
which could be avoided, if we had learnt already that we are staging them ouselves?)

Where are my peers
who would work with me on those "insignificant" challenges
on the path to self-acceptance????

Closure of the Finetuning to the Quintet-Day

Efrat was pleased, that we would go out,
(I also hoped it would give her a chance to work it out with her husband,
and vice versa:
"Her claim, that I need to rest, is only a pretext.
What it's all about, is, that she doesn't want Tomer to be here!")
She gave everyone an "artik" ,
which melted fast on our short way through the garbage-strown area
until we reached a young Dommim-tree, which would give us shade.



There were no challenges during that short outing,
except that I was pressured to be home in time.
When Arnon pointed to a path, which would lead us back,
without forcing us to return through the garbage path on which we had come,
I was pleased, but also afraid
- I ran ahead, I urged them to hurry up, I came back-
but finally we made it in time,
just when Ra'ayah came towards us on the road.

When I had a moment of being alone with the Four,
I parted from them, while kissing each one on his/her forehead:
"We'll make a new beginning:
Soon there will be a new school-year -and a new Jewish year,
and as to a Day with the Quartet -

"with the Quintet" - everyone interrupted,

"yes, yes, I'm glad you correct me, a Day with the Quintet,
remember the contract:
I'll not initiate, and if Efrat will dare to invite you again,
she'll talk to your father (I pointed to Arnon and Ayelet)
or to your mother (I pointed to Yael and Itamar),
and fix with them the exact day
and also the exact hour of both, your arrival and your departure,
so there will be no more pain in this respect."
I should have added, that I, too, had begun a new life
- since my 70th birthday,
to which they had contributed so much

(I should at least mention, that the Four told many a story about the long and difficult process of their creation of the presentation about "Rachel's House" ,
which I hope to dismantle again, so I can insert the gist of it on kisslog.
Arnon had alsobrought me a disc with the presentation,
but I had to tell him, that it was of no use,
since I didn't have his new version of "Powerpoint".
"And yet! Imagine, that Immanuel has invested great efforts,
to make the presentation available for me after all,
even if part of the animations could not be transferred!"
When Arnon saw, what his uncle had done, he was pleased!)