hodayot [thanksgivings] for today
8:48
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to your incredible patience with the way I over-strain our eyes ,
and since right now there is a re-occurrence of scintillating, please make me understand how I must treat our eyes in order to not strain them!

Augenflimmern tritt durch Durchblutungsstörung des Gehirns halb- oder beidseitig auf. Augenflimmern entsteht meist bei langen Bildschirmarbeiten Nach etwa zwei Stunden Bildschirmarbeit, empfiehlt sich eine kleine Pause von etwa 15 Minuten. Erfrischen Sie sich mit kaltem Wasser, machen Sie Dehnungs- übungen um die Muskulatur zu lockern, atmen Sie frische Luft und machen Sie eine kleine Augenübung - Decken Sie das linke Auge mit der rechten Hand ab. Dann halten Sie die linke Hand

I am grate-full again and again for this wondrous gift,
that I may be with my youngest grandchild regularly and yet not always!
I experience how she grows, I have time for her as I never had for any child before, which me allows to heal and compensate for the dilemma between wanting to be with my children and grandchildren , but always feeling the sword on my head: 'you should be working for your vocation...'

Finetuning to my Present

Why is it, that my endeavor to respond to Anke's letters (August 4-9, Oct. 2, 2008)
causes such strain, such tension, such inner opposition?
Even the song I made following her idea that I improve on a song
of which she likes the lyrics, but not the music-
didn't compensate for my strain, though I enjoy what I was inspired with.
After an hour and a half I'll stop endeavoring . I'll wait until the time will be "ripe"?
It's 12;05 and I'm as nervous and tense as I haven't known myself in a long time.
I've watered the garden, and now I'll have breakfast and use this last hour to rest.
[At 13:00 I'll leave, go to the pool, then to the pharmacy, which will close at 14:00,
for taking those cough pills. Since there will be time before the bus leaves at 14:30
I'll go to the mall and look for the propolis medicine, which I've run out of ,
and which I need for the chronic little wound on my forehead [it's still there 2012-08-17],
-I found it as a composition with additional ingredients, in a more convenient container
and hope it will be as effective as the ointment I received from Zwi Wiener 3 years ago]
and then - at 14:30 - it will be time for the bus to Beersheva .]

Bet Nehemya 18:46
I begin to relax, and now wish more interaction with Mika.
She was very sweet in the car, and when we entered the house.
She wanted me to immediately play with her in her room with wooden cubes.
But since in the car I had spilled the honey-onion mixture,
which Efrat offered me to ease my coughing, as it eases her's and Immanuel's,
[August 17, 2012 - No coughing any longer!
Once Boris was present, when the coughing started and said:
"You must just breathe in as deeply as you can, and the cough will leave you."
And, indeed, whenever the patterned cough wants to grab me,
I breathe in as deeply and as long as I can, and the cough leaves me!]
over myself, my dress, my phone, my backpack,
I asked her to wait, until I would shower and dress again.
But when I was ready, she no longer wanted to play, but watch TV.

As always in the first hours I feel a bit foreign , in need to be a bit hugged....

The travel was unproportionally difficult because of the strange mood I was in:
not only nervousness to the degree of jumpiness had befallen me,
but depression! for the first time since many, many months.
I hated everything and everybody and most of all myself.
Even my singing - trying to learn the modified song from Anke - depressed me.
In the train I called Diana -
following her SMS "we think of you", the day before,
hoping, that a chat with her would at least sidetrack me
from the unbearable crowdedness and noisiness all around me
(the train on Thursdays is over-filled with soldiers).
At first she didn't answer, then she asked me, if she could call later,
and I said: "but not much later".
It was my fault that I imposed myself on her when she was busy with her son.
But maybe this was good, because the "talk" came to a natural stop,
when Shir began to whine in an ugly way, which I'm not used to with Mika....
And the things which Diana shared - about a new "method" she was learning-
were not resounding with me at all.
But when I said: "Diana, this sounds like awful denial",
she was very forceful in stressing, that there was no denial at all,
it was only more advanced than simply wallowing in and crying out low feelings.
The very differentiation between "low" and "high" feelings pained me,
but seeing her so happy -
"also between me and my husband it's so wonderful now",
I kept my mouth shut.
I felt sad - yet another friend who seems to go "backward", away from the Mother,
while - at the same time - fierecly denying this possibility.
I want to cuddle in You, Mother, in You alone,
in Hell or wherever you are....

22:00
That very moment mother Efrat and daughter Mika called me,
and what followed was a lovely togetherness,
partly between Mika and me, partly between the three of us.
I'm very grate-full!


At 23:20 a Hebrew SMS from Diana:
"Do you want to continue our talk?"
I wrote:
"Not to continue but to make whole and bring to a closure, maximum 10 minutes."
So she called,
but since she was sitting in a taxi,
whose driver would do his technical communication loudly,
I was so disturbed , that I screamed at Diana:
"I was wrong to impose myself on you when I wanted to use my time in the train,
but this doesn't meant that you have to take revenge."
Of course, she had no such intention, but neither could she identify with my stress.
She suggested, that we wait until she would be off the taxi, in some 15 minutes.
But I felt: "now or never".
"No, I want to tolerate this now and what will be will be."
The communication, technical and in content, was absolutely horrid.
And it was clear to both of us,
that this was another sign, that this is NOT our TIME.
"I shouldn't have initiated this talk at all", I summarized.
"I shouldn't have been a witness to the scene with your son!"
She couldn't understand what I meant, but I skipped the explanation and went on:
"I shouldn't have exposed myself to your sharing of your new method.
Already a year ago I froze the relationship,
because I saw, how you turned me into a teacher,
but distorted what I have to teach.
What you mentioned in order to make clear, what's "new" in your "method",
pertained only to a tiny part of what you believe I've taught you."
What I understood then , has been brought home to me today in an ugly way:
"If there is no continuity in mutual teaching-learning,
and if there is no mutual dependency which forces us to cope with triggers,
then communication is a waste of time and love."

She agreed, and we parted "for the time being".

[On Nov.6 , 21:30 I got a SMS from a number not on my cellphone:
"Can we land linkhot on you for a talk?"
"who are you?" "Israel" - "Talk to me on the phone first!"
After 30 minutes I write again: "Why don't you talk to me?"
After another 10 minutes Israel called:
"I'm sorry, but our son vomited and we had to help him."
It turned out, that he - without consulting Diana (!) -
had had the idea to see me,
on their way to a holiday at Ezuz (in the Western Negev desert)
(my sad association to Ezuz has to do with "the ranger",
mentioned in the summary of my failures of realizing my Desert Vision in 1995....
that ranger was one of the few pioneers of Ezuz),
but what has that location to do with the geography of Arad?
and to do so this night.
"Even if you would leave now, you wouldn't be here before 23:30!"
"Well, I guess, this is too late for you, Well then tomorrow!"
"Tomorrow I'll travel north!"
"Well then next time!"
It was then, that I dared to play the bad friend:
"Israel, didn't Diana tell you that we've parted for the time being?"
"No! --- Well, then have a good time!"