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See below:
2010_12_23 scanned old negatives about "Succah
in the Desert", 1990-1991
interspersed with 2 docs about my Partnership
involvement in 1975 and 1977
InteGRATion into
GRATeFULLness
Close-ups of my Past
2007_05_29: Closeup of 1971-Naftali Raz
Though Naftali Raz was 9 years younger than I,
he was not only a partner in our peace-work,
and not only a wonderful friend for our children,
but at that stage a guide for me, so bitterly needed:
How to accept my greatness, instead
of denying and hiding it.
"Even in the darkest night, there is somewhere the flame of a candle" A drawing by Naftali Raz for our children, which had been hanging above Immanuel's bed for a long time.  |
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2009_07_16 Closeup of 1971-
1972
The following letters to my husband,
from me and from our son Immanuel, when he was not yet 9 year old,
give a glimpse into the life of my children's early childhood,
when I was immersed in the completion of my PH.D. thesis
and Naftali brought joy and delight into the family
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On July 13, 2009 I discovered the copy of a handwritten
letter to Naftali,
which is exemplary for the kind of life - in judgments and denials- I lived,
before angels of information began to enter my life, one after the other...
(see puzzle
piece 17 >Maryam, 2001/09/20-2001/10/09 ;last
update: 2005_11_18)
| December 5, 1972 , Shalom Naftali - Since the age of ten I have wanted "to do something", in order to lessen the suffering of humans at least at one spot in the World . But I am like an artist , whose hands are tied by some evil rulership which forbids him to create. He does find himself something to do here and there, but because he invests - in insignificant deeds - the energy which he actually wants to invest in a great creation, he destroys those very "deeds" and as a result - himself. Since my "deeds" are connected to people, "I succeeded" in destroying almost every friendship, and only within my family I really succeeded, because there my cursed intense dedication was in its right place, at least until now. In all other cases I came, as my friend Yanina once put it, "with canons against flies", - I did not hit the flies, but the flies swooped down on me and sucked my blood until I remained almost without a breath of life.
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The judgment, that I had no reason nor right to suffer,
since my life was good even at that time , compared to other people's life,
caused the biggest suffering at that and all other times in my life.
And it came to be only recently,
that - since I cannot release that judgment - I found a rationalization,
and maybe it's even true:
"However unjustified my feelings are,
I feel them vicariously for all."
A sentence - put into a tune - which is followed by another rationalization,
which helps me to bear the pain of not being able to help my closest people,
leave alone the World:
"My presence heals in ways,
which my mind's responsibility might miss!"
| With regard to our friendship - if it is still important for you
as it is for me - we can guard it only if you ignore this deformity,
like you would ignore the deformity of a friend, who is a disabled
war veteran. Rafael can get along with me, only because he acts "as
if" I were alright and normal, and I too succeed - at least towards
him - to behave "as if". [in other
words – only by total denial of my predicament can my husband
deal with and can we both keep up our relationship.) We
do not talk about myself, nor does he know about this letter or about
my exhibiting myself in the talk with you. Please, act like this also
yourself: Do not talk with me about me, and even if I should get tempted
and start myself doing this, distract me. At a time when there is
hardly a friend remaining - from among the many many I acquired in
my life and even relatives are cutting ties (the decisive blow came
from Rafael's cousin, the one who was photographing on Rafael's 50th
birthday: I insulted his wife unadvertantly, and when I felt at the
wedding of Joel (Rafael's eldest son), that
something had happened since they were ostracizing me, I wrote the
warmest of apologies, but the answer was like deadly poison which
still paralyzes a great part of my life's limbs and organs. ) - at
such a time I cannot bear, that you, too, will distance yourself from
me and this will happen sooner or later, |
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The story about "the Snake" has now to be told
from the perspective of my present understanding,
that "the trigger
from Hanna came to point out holes in my wholeness that then wanted to heal
",
and , of course ,
"the trigger from me came to point out a
hole in Hanna's wholeness that then wanted to heal"
But we didn't know this then, and H. died from cancer long before she even
had a chance to learn.
My literally superhuman investment in the celebration of my husband's 50th
birthday on Sept. 8, 1972,
was a super-effort in denying my terror (still prevalent in my present life)
of other people's expectations.
While being amidst my endeavors
(creating outrageously time-consuming gifts and a special kind of "party"
for 50 people in our garden),
Dita, my stepdaughter (then 19 years old) visited us and told me this:
"I overheard a phone-talk between Hanna and my mother.
H. was complaining about your lack of tact in inviting people on New Year
Eve!"
"But I saw a symbolic meaning in the coincidence of dates
between Rafael's 50th birthday and New Year Eve!"
"Don't worry about what Hanna. says, she is a nakhash!"
By then I had been living in Israel for 8 years, but I never heard a person
be called "a snake".
I didn't really understand the meaning, except that it was a critical term.
Then , when the superhuman effort of "handling" the special party
came to an end,
H. came to me with one of her 3 children and said nicely:
"This girl wants to thank you! She has enjoyed
herself very much!"
That was the trigger!
And an asura slipt out of my
mouth:
"I'm glad to hear that!
for Dita told me, that you complained about the timing of the celebration,
but she also said, that you are a snake!"
Though a hole was triggered in me by H.'s complaint
and the fact that she talked about it behind my back,
and with my husband's ex-wife , for that matter,
it wasn't the main hole.
It was my utter, total, devastating exhaustion
from all that had to do with that cursed celebration,
which nobody had asked me to arrange except that cruel dictator in my life
who keeps pounding on me even today:
"People will be disappointed and hurt , if
you do not fulfil their expectations from you!"
Of course most of these expectations are not even real, but projections of
me.
I could have told Hanna situation after situation of my hellish childhood,
where the expectations which were put upon me were very, very real.
But Hanna never again was my friend.
Even when I begged her to let me visit her
- perhaps 7 years later
- she could not really be appeased.
While I can understand my own holes,
I cannot really understand what was so murderous in being called "a snake".
To be called "a snake" - how can one such slandering word be compared
to the kind of abominable, appalling slander-stories about Rachel Bat-Adam,
which came to my ears during the years of the realization of my
Desert-Vision
(and I don't want to know, what has not come to my ears)
But then, of course, Hanna had not learnt
- as I am being priviledged to learn ever more from situation to situation-
that all she had to do was
to release the judgment that she had to be "righteous" ,
"righteous" in her own eyes
leave alone "righteous" in other people's eyes.
| Burn this letter, don't respond to it, not in writing and not face
to face, and act from now on "as if"! Didn't I succeed in
pretending - until you scratched one of the wounds. I need your loyalty
- yours - Rachel |
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1973_12_27 - Closeup of 1973 ; a letter to Naftali
[the understandings in this letter about "Releasing
judgments and beliefs"
preceded what I learnt about this from Right
Use of Will>p.19, by 13 years.
I discovered these lines in June 2009 amidst the coping with my daughter,
and again on December
6, 2009, when that issue reared its head again.
to
former accidental closeup of my Past
to
next accidental closeup of my Past
December 24, 2010, continued
I went to a shop for scanning old slides and old negatives.
Their order is accidental.
On this page I'm inserting photos of "Succah
in the Desert": between 1989 & 1992
and continue to intersperse them with 2 documents from my "Partnership"
period.
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On November
17, 1989, we, Channah and I, parked bus and minibus in the "appointed" wadi, where later the miracle would occur: "Succah in the Desert", a miracle in so many aspects, that I still find it difficult to grasp, even more though since all and everything else I did later, between 1993 and 2006, "failed" totally, though I had invested not less ingenuity and superhuman effort. On the photo above I'm looking out through one of the windows of my bus- towards the west. I see the minibus (my demand from Channah, after terrible experiences with her, [visitors: "she will destroy everything you do!"] while we were still parking on the edge of the crater opposite the Observatory: "Park at least 100 m away from the bus." I also discern the tractor with the water-tank of my Bedouin neighbors. To the left: the 2,5 km dust-road from the "appointed'"wadi to the Observatory |
Next
to my bus I erected a temporary "succah", as a symbol of my
vision, and in order to receive visitors, in this case: Itamar Kechteil and his wife Etti, from Mitzpe-Ramon, and another couple which I don't recall. Channah also sits at the table, but when work had to be done, she most of the time wasn't there... |
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Itamar stands on his head under the shade of my bus |
This is a precious photo , which shows the kind of co-creation,
which I cherish so much and for which I still (2011) yearn so much:
My close friend, Irene Sonnabend, the very first guest of the "Succayah", in February 1990,
who lived in that Succah at the foot of the Hill of the Angels' Flight, which a storm blew away,
came again from Germany with her friend Karin as fully-paying guests, and helped a lot.
[See more of Irene and Karin in .integration-2001-2003-God has Evolved]
The man who is with them, is Ram Eisenberg, to whom I and my vision owe so much!
| "Partnership Diary", 1977,
156-157
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"Liberty through Responsibility", 1975, page 51
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There they are, all the details in the white snowy landscape
of January 1, 1992:
my bus, the Esau-shed, the Abraham Succah with the jeep beyond, the shower
In front of the Abraham-Succah
There were only 3 guests on the night to January 1,
1992:
a religious couple, with the name "Gold", which fled before the
announced storm started,
and Uri Goldin, a soldier, whom I told to leave and save himself, and who
did NOT agree to leave me, the hostess, alone..
[After his army-service, in 1994, Uri Goldin returned to Succah-in-the-Desert
as a host
: see Succah Vision, 5th Stage]
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Uri was not the only human being, "I needed to see, if you are alive", |
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The little gas-stove keeps the three of us warm and
since even I could not do any work outside, I listened with them to music
See much more about the experiences with the
desert-snow
in K.i.s.s.-Log January 31, 2008
| "Partnership Diary", 1977, 158-159
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"Liberty through Responsibility", 1975, page 52a
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That was the only time, that I didn't live in the bus,
but in the cabin, which then was called "Hagar" [see
"Glossary"]
| "Partnership Diary", 1977, 159-160 |
"Liberty through Responsibility", 1975, page 52b
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On March 1, 2011 , I discovered some more snow-pictures, see in .integration-2001-2003-God-has-Evolved
Continuation
of the sequence about Succah-in-the-Desert
between 1989 and 1992
interspersed with 2 related documents about my Partnership
involvement in 1975 & 1977