I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
MY INTENTION and PLAN for
TODAY
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may! 8:55 Before sculpting my "altar"
today, I had to breathe-move-sound-write
what occurred between 7:30-8:00.
But since after 50 min. the computer simply shut itself down,
without giving me the chance to click "save",
I understand, that lightenings&thunderbolts are not "for
the record", except for reporting that they happen. If - if! - those will be also part
of "Heaven-on-Earth-in-Body", I desire to heal myself
to a degree,
which will make the thunderstorm simply clear the sky and pass
- as fast as it does in nature. 2013:Yesterday at 19:00 a thunder-S T O R M occurred
here around my garden and street, like the end of the world!
After 15 min. it was over! After 30 min. electricity returned
and at 20:30, just before "Big Brother", TV &
Internet...
image
of the day: Mika
almost in a whisper: "I
don't want Rommi!" - "why!?" - "She bothers
me."
"Well, if she bothers you, it's you who has to leave!"
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today 10:00 My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to you - thanks mixed with feelings of guilt
and compassion - for your "right" weight,
which the contrast to these kids -Itai
& Maya- has brought home to me again. I've suffered much of your overweight
- though minimal in comparison -
and as a child - mocked by my own mother - even believed,
that "if I only would be slim, I could manage with all
other problems".
Even nowadays I'm often critical of your weight, though it's
normal,
and of your appearance, though many my age envy you and rightly
so.
I'm grate-full that I put this "note" in the script
of my life-drama: "Let me - to some extent
only! - experience with my own body,
what will be such an abhorrent predicament in the affluent
society:
overweight! so I may be able to watch, how
I keep projecting on other people,
and - following the projection of my own lack of self-acceptance
-
judge them mentally and loathe them physically and emotionally." When "Rommi" -a
year older than Mika- joined
Mika's play with seed-pods
I felt inside just like Mika expressed it aloud - "please
leave us alone",
but then came the real "bother", Rommi's enormously
overweight cousin.
Though Mika and I did not openly reject their wish "to
be friends",
and though the boy with his ardent endeavor to communicate
with us,
touched my heart and let me nourish him with giving him my
camera,
and while teaching him, raising his self-esteem now and for
his future,
- our "yes" to their wish to meet us again today,
may have been a lie... [in the end there was no chance
for an outing with Mika at all...]
A Movie about learning
Self-Acceptance
Dienstag, den 13.05.2008 ,20:15 Uhr Und
tschüss, Ihr Lieben ---Komödie,
Deutschland 2003
Barbara hat ein
ausgefülltes Leben: Sie kümmert sich um den Haushalt,
arbeitet als Krankengymnastin in einer großen Praxis und
versorgt Tochter Julia, die Medizin studiert, während Sohn
Carsten als Banker erfolgreich ist. Barbaras Mann Claus ist
Abteilungsleiter in einer Computerfirma. Und dann ist da noch
Lydia, Claus' verwitwete Mutter, die in einem Haus am Stadtrand
wohnt, aber ganz in die Familie ihres Sohnes integriert ist.
Doch der harmonische Schein trügt, denn jedes Familienmitglied
plagen Sorgen und Probleme: Barbaras Tage sind derart ausgelastet,
dass sie für sich und ihre eigenen Interessen keine Zeit
findet, Claus erhält zu seiner großen Enttäuschung
einen jüngeren Vorgesetzten, der mit allen Mitteln versucht,
ihn loszuwerden. Julia fällt von einem Prüfungsstress
in den nächsten, und Carsten sieht sich nach einer Fehlkalkulation
einem riesigen Schuldenberg gegenüber. Die Situation eskaliert,
als Lydia sich einen Oberschenkelhalsbruch zuzieht, der sie
an den Rollstuhl fesselt. Der Familienrat tagt, und man ist
sich einig: Oma soll in ihrem Haus bleiben und betreut werden.
Doch es kommt wie es kommen muss: Bald ist Barbara einem Nervenzusammenbruch
nahe. Als Lydia ihr nahelegt, endlich einmal ihren eigenen Bedürfnissen
nachzukommen, folgt Barbara diesem Rat - was zu einigen Verstimmungen
und Turbulenzen führt.
Vor dem Hintergrund des vieldiskutierten Problems "Pflegenotstand"
erzählt Annemarie Schoenle eine Geschichte mit starken
Charakteren, unerwarteten Wendungen und viel Sinn für das
Komische in einer ernsten Situation.
Finetuning
to my Present If not for this "perfect" woman,
wife, mother, daughter-in-law,
who had to learn
that her perfection
degenerated the capacities
of her family,
I would not have stumbled
into the action of "asserting myself"
this morning.
There haven't yet been invented
the movies or the advices
as to how I can assert my own worth, when such assertion of myself
causes the other to feel blamed,
therefore guilty,
therefore triggered to attack
and then feeling even more guilty
and attacking more etc. etc.
What is the matter with me, my beloved
Peer,
that I do not want to do anything at all,
and when I wrote to Deqel, that I would be "glad"
to learn a girl's parashah together with her, in private,
it was simply a lie.
The addition "but
I won't take money for it",
was probably a childish cover-up for this lack of desire.
I didn't want to teach Yael's class in the first place,
I do not want to have two more meetings with them,
I do not want to realize the Initiation Desert Journey.
And to think, I would make myself available
to respond to the quest, some people expressed,
to teach another Benot Mitzvah group next year,
even though my granddaughter will not be among them,
"God forbid!"
Is it because through so many decades
I've trapped
my Will so terribly
by forcing it constantly to do what Moses
did?
But on the other hand I feel it would be wrong,
if I would NOT make myself available.
Please help, why are you silent?
"Because it's not a matter
of receiving advice from me,
but a matter of feeling and vibrating what you feel."
I now wanted to take a break (though I only started..)
and opened my e-mail:
there! Another quest! A screaming quest
to support and teach a couple ("as
you did in the past!")
But I do no longer want to support and teach.
And D. has heard me say that over and over again.
So how does she dare ask me for help now?
I only want to scream: "Leave me alone, alone, alone!"
"Then scream! scream and breathe,
until an answer will emerge."
I don't believe, a true answer even exists!
It will simply be another way of rationalizing,
of trapping my Will,
of - to the contrary - missing my 'vocation' or whatever.
"I cannot help you with
this!
'To be or not to be, that is your question!'
Ask yourself, what would really happen,
if you would refuse every quest and request?"
This e-mail response of
Deqel was followed by a phone talk , mainly about two "challenges",
how to "exchange energy",
i.e. agree to take money - even if not for myself
-
if I would give "private lessons in preparing
a Bat-Mitzvah-girl's parashah with her".
And the second: how to realize my idea of "Initiation
into Adulthood"
- despite the security-bureaucracy - [no outing of a class without a guard, which costs
about 800 NIS for 24 hours
- and if sleeping outdoors is intended, there have
to be 3 guards for 13 girls!]
When we were about to close,
she reminded me of the still not answered question
before Pesach:
"Why was Moses left out of the Pesach Hagada?"
"Well, did you get an answer from the people
you celebrated with?"
"My father laughed and said: magi'a lo, he has
deserved it!
Why did he dare to plead [le-hitkhakem]
with God!"
"There you are! Moses is simply too great for
them.
'God' chose Abraham , 'God' chose Moses exactly for
this reason,
that they were great enough - equal !! - to argue
and plead with him. See
my song: Numeri 11! Moses says to God: "For-what have you done-evil
to your servant,
in having placed the burden of this entire people
on me?
Did I myself conceive this entire people,
or did I myself give-birth to it
that you should say to me,
Carry it in your bosom
like a nursing-parent carries a suckling-child ...
I am not able, myself alone, to carry this entire
people,
for it is too heavy for me!
If thus you deal with me, pray kill me, yes, kill
me!" Have you ever heard of
a person as great as this?
Tired to death, feeling all he feels, all his pain
and powerlessness,
leave alone the defamations and threats-of-stoning-him
from his people,
but going on and doing what he feels he has to do
- anyway?"
And then I mimicked those people
who omitted Moses from the Hagada:
"There is no great man! Only the Holy-One-Blessed-be-He
can be great.
For if Moses is great, a human! it would mean that
I could be great too.
But no! I want to be a victim and weak! Not a master
of my life and great!"
Deqel understood and then hang
on to that sentence: "like a nursing-parent carries
a suckling child": "Can you insert this into
your program
of the "Initiation Journey to the Desert"?
Isn't it exactly this, what these girls have to learn:
to stop letting themselves be carried like babies
and begin carrying themselves?"
My
work with the Benot-Mitzva of Yael's age-group
on February 28 at the Democratic
School in Modi'in
Finetuning to my Present
It is 19:21 and I again feel hurt.
On the one hand I'm glad, that I had almost 2 1/2 hours
more than planned,
And I've finally - really ?- completed the pages of
Independence Day,
and even enjoyed the much improved sculpture about the
12 torch-bearer pairs.
On the other hand - for what purpose am I here since
8 o'clock in the morning?
These are feelings I'm voicing!
E. is running away from me.
She was supposed to come home at noon to pay the cleaning
woman.
But she told her:
"I've no time, I'll bring you the money tomorrow
there and there." Then she called me - at16:00 -
"We'll be a bit late today,
a friend has asked Mika to eat icecream together." I'm on the verge of running away,
too,
of simply (?) traveling to Arad, to my home.
How shall I be able to meet E. now?
With the usual gladness and laughter,
as if nothing had happened this morning? I'll go out with Nella now and
scream a little...
22:00 With Nella on the leash, I walked
fast,
sang and screamed along the track,
which I had given up on since months,
the construction/destruction of the hill across our
veranda
devours everything.
But the ugliness suited my mood,
until I came to the spot, where even this track was
blocked.
I had no choice but to return.
I took a photo of the young cypresses on one side
of a composition of boulders and a shrub on the other,
then of the tunnel under the highway,
which we used to creep through last year,
and finally of the ditch,
which continued the track from here on.
Seeing the photos
and how bright the lights appear there,
I feel they symbolized,
what was about to lighten up in my mind:
It had become night in the meanwhile.
And suddenly I had an insight concerning my cry for
help this morning:
"You will be availabe for any request,
NOT for the sake of benefitting the person who requests
anything from you,
but for the single purpose of letting you feel the old
pain of your trapped Will!
How else can you heal it?
By not exposing yourself to any demand or assignment?
Your assignment is to heal.
And your principle of being zminah (available), but
not yozemet (initiating)
is very valid .
Except - let us state this again - not for being helpful
to people,
but for feeling everything "against doing",
that you denied in the past." [2013: I seem
to have learnt and healed,
for there are no longer quests like those I coped with
5 years ago!]
My mood climbed up the ladder
so fast I could hardly follow it.
And with it immediate "action".
I called Diana[see
her e-mail in Hebrew tomorrow]and
said one sentence:
"Since you ignore all my warnings
like "it's no use to meet just once, without continuity",
and like "I am no longer a teacher and certainly
not a therapist" -
you may come to me either tomorrow or on Sunday, but
before 5 PM."
"I'm ignoring?"
"Definitely!"
"We'll come on Sunday!"
"Then call me after 9 AM and we'll see if the appointment
is still valid.
al akhrayutkekh (the responsibility is on you)!"
But that was still not all.
At a certain spot - see the photo - I had another insight!
It had to do with Deqel's pleading
with me
to re-consider "not making my torah a hoe to dig
with ".
"It's not about making money with your wisdom",
she said,
"it's about exchanging energies!"
I called her:
"I found the egg of Columbus", I
began,
"I accept your term of 'the exchange of energy',
but it will not be me who will decide
to whom the money should be donated.
The person who wants something from me, a counseling,
a teaching,
will choose to whom and how much s/he wants to donate.
S/he can tell me about it or not, be honest or not,
this is not my business.
In any case, the responsibility for the exchange will
be totally his or hers".
Deqel was delighted.
And her delight made me add:
"And I'll apply this not
only to the Benot Mitzva or other pupils,
I'll apply it to those friends,
who want therapy despite my principal refusal."
And a last idea came:
how to solve my embarrassment concerning Gal's letter[see
tomorrow], a letter with more "positive
feedback" than I've ever gotten in my life.
I'll talk to her ear to ear, not write!
I returned home, relaxed, serene, free of pain, even
free of fear.
E. came just out of the bathroom with Mika in a towel
on her arms.
They sat on the couch in the studio as usual.
I leaned on the wall opposite them,
Mika greeted Nella with great delight,
and then she turned to me:
"We
brought you a present(matanah),
savta!" "Really?" "Yes, a minchah(a
term for gifts presented to God in Biblical times)",
said E. "What present?" "Karius ve-Baktus"
(the name of a popular childrens' book,
which teaches kids the danger of Caries and bacteria for their
teeth" "No, Mika, its a Cactus! A cactus
without thorns."
"Yes, Baktus without thorns",
insisted Mika. "Can you offer me the cactus, Mika?" Her mother helped her with the ceremony,
counting to ten and always lifting the pot a bit highter.
The energy of our Earth is moving
through major vibrational shifts and into higher levels of
consciousness. As the Earth raises Her vibration, we as Human
Beings are being given many opportunities to raise our vibration.
This shift is being referred to as the Ascension and there
are many people around the world who are experiencing confusion
and chaos in their worlds. Yet in this seeming chaos and confusion
lie great opportunities for us to grow, expand and evolve.
One of the most exciting aspects
of our evolutionary process is the retooling of our DNA. Cosmic
light encoded rays from our Creator have been coming into
our Earth stimulating change and reordering our Human bodies.
As the light encoded filaments are absorbed into our being
our scattered DNA is being activated and reformed into new
helixes or strands of DNA and being reordered into bundles.
As this rebundling and reordering
progresses we create a more evolved nervous system that facilitates
new information and data to move into our consciousness. Many
of our dormant brain cells are being awoken and we are being
able to access our full body potential. As our bodies fill
with more light so our memories are opened
and we evolve as our DNA evolves into conscious Multidimensional
Beings.
Our 12 strands of DNA activate
and connect to our 12 Chakra points, energy doorways through
which we access our Spiritual heritage. The 12 strands of
DNA serve as links through the 12 chakras to the energy web
outside of our bodies. The 12 chakras act as energetic doorways
into our body connecting us to the vital forces of existence.
It is through opening and activating these portals of energy
that we can begin to truly know ourselves.
As all 12 strands of DNA are
now forming, whatever issues we have not dealt with
and peacefully cleared in our personal history, will create
chaos. Feelings and memories are emerging offering us an opportunity
to experience the fabric of our being and revealing who we
are through the events and beliefs that are intricately woven
into us.
Our task is to awaken, activate
and unite all 12 creating the spinning of the 12. This spinning
of the 12 strands of DNA and 12 chakra points will draw to
us energies that will intermingle and move throughout our
beings activating and awakening the many different aspects
of ourselves. This will trigger new versions, understandings
and meanings to all the events in our lives and our world.
Our 12 chakras are collections
of energy where events can emerge. They hold memory and identity
and each corresponds to a strand of DNA. These 12 energy centers
must be accessed from within where we can feel the data corresponding
with and translating our experiences within the context of
our minds.
By opening our hearts and minds
all the answers to the great mysteries will be found within.
We are required to step out of our current belief
systems and to create new belief systems as the mind
is structured to evolve and form our experiences based on
what we command. Our mind is not our master; we are the masters
of our own minds. The mind is but a tool to be used to create
reality and nothing more.
By consciously working with
the waves of energy and light moving into our Earth, we are
able to realize and understand that the transformation
of this planet is based upon the healing and power of our
minds.
Activating the full 12 DNA
strands will create a connection between our human genetic
coding and give us access to all knowledge and wisdom. This
is the awareness and understanding of who we truly are.
In activating all 12 strands of DNA we create
an alignment within ourselves allowing us to gently shift
into much higher vibrational levels and frequency of light,
helping our ascension process by further awakening our human
consciousness.
Rachel:
As usual with this kind of "spiritual information",
nothing is said about the Healing of Feeling!
Still I found this input worthwhile to digest.
Today the Palestinian People remembers "the
other side of the coin" of the Jewish Independence
Day
which took place - or more exact - took places away - on May 14 according
to the Gregorian calender.
Why do I create a "Memorial-Page" for
the Nakba, the "Catastrophe"?
Only in order to balance the pages about the Jewish Memorial
Day and Day of Independence?
No! For there is no balance!.......
But as much as I sing "
", hoping that my own country will open its eyes,
I , Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam - the German-Christian born woman,
who have war traumas of my own [see
the dedication of my book to three people...]
but not those of the Jews nor those of the Palestinians,
I, who gave part of my
active, creative, suffering life to make both sides open their
eyes -
I allow myself to call to the Palestinians: "Stop victimizing yourselves!
Start to act as the masters of your lives!
The way of violence is the way of the weak!
Of those who see no choice but that of the biblical Shimshon:
Blinded and chained he could do only one thing - become a suicide
terrorist:
grasp the pillars which supported the roof, on which 2000 Philistines
- Palestines danced,
and say: "May my soul die with Philistines"
- "tamut nafshi im plishtim".
Samson said,
"May my soul die with Philistines!"
Then he pushed with all his might,
and down came the house
on the rulers and all the people in it.
Thus he killed many more when he died
than he killed while he lived. Judges 16:30
But I have more to say - to Jews and Palestinians
alike - from a metaphysical aspect:
That governer of the northern district of Israel, Israel Koenig, whom
I mentioned on May 10,
said to me in that talk, which I should have mentioned on the page
about my Bir'am
Project 1976 "There have always been
other peoples in the Land of Canaan,
from the beginning 3200 years ago -
Israel was never the only nation on this land!"
Why? For what purpose?
My answer is:
because only in relation to another I become myself!
Without "the Arabs" the Israeli society would have long
since ceased to exist.
We would have devoured each other.
This is true even more for the Palestinians.
There was no Palestinian nation before 1948.
All people who lived in southern Syria, Jews and Arabs alike, were
called "Palestinians".
It is because of the Zionist Jews and later the State of Israel,
that the identity of a Palestinian nation was born.
And it's only in recent years, that this nation begins to become equal
to Israel.
And one last belief I want to give people to consider:
What is the ethnic origin of the "Palestinians"?
Aren't the core of the people in the land of Israel-Palestine
the descendents of the Jews, who lived on as Jews?
Despite the Roman destruction, occupation and expulsion for 500 years
!
And only when the spiritual leadership had gradually moved to Babylon
(Iraq today),
did those who stayed
convert
- first to Byzantinian Christianity - and with the Muslim Occupation
to Islam.
Later Jews can be found only in the four cities: Jerusalem, Tiberias,
Safed and (Cesaria?).
For in a city it was possible to learn, and only those who learnt
- Bible and Talmud -
could become conscious of their identity.
This is the purpose of "Pesach": "and you shall tell
your son..."
And
you shall tell your son on that day:
for this YHWH has done to me
when I went out of Egypt Exodus 13:8
If there was nobody who could tell his son the history of the Jewish
people and its meaning,
like in the poor peasant villages,
people forgot that they were Jews and became citizens of whoever had
the power to rule them.
In short:
More and more people in this time-period come to understand that all
people are one!
This is true for Jews and Palestinians even from an ethnical and historical
point of view.
But not the fact of oneness makes each of us grow towards what each
of us truly is.
It's the difference , even contrast, between us, which makes us thrive.
If we only would be aware of this, and stop the mutual judging and
blaming,
and most of all - stop the wallowing in self-victimization,
then both of us could truly grow into our appointed greatness! [written on May 15]
Dalal, a 22-year-old Palestinian refugee
in the Burj Al-Shemali camp in Lebanon
104-year-old refugee Haseba Mahmud Ma'alim
with her grandchildren in the Al-Amaree refugee camp in Ramallah.
Haseba lost two children during the Nakba.
Two
images which may raise esteem and self-esteem!..
song of the day We are One, I'm Arab, I'm
Jew.... We're one, so leave your
fears behind
We're one, our people's strength combined...
