hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

8:40
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks for our deep sleep, made conscious by 2 toilet breaks,
also for our harmonious, gently flowing dream processes
and mainly for our prolonged, pleasurable, awakening,
accompanied partly by connected breathing,
which loosened even the cramp in our right foot.

I AM GRATE-FULL beyond any expression,
for being able to create the circumstances of my life in a way,
that I can alternate
between short intense experiencing with other actors
and sufficient rests of al-one-ness for digesting those experiences
in my holy solitude, where no coping with actors is demanded.

I am grate-full again for the on-line dictionary "Babylon",
which allows me to sculpt my experiences in a language which is not mine,
letting this chosen fruitful self-limitation be enhanced by the concepts
behind the languages which are my own - German and Hebrew.

LEARNING AND APPLYING THE PRINCIPLES OF LOVE

"Can you imagine for a moment what the common man's thinking was several centuries ago
when enslaving humans was a practice so common in some countries
that no one was giving it any second thought?
Never in their wildest dreams could the slaves believe
that, one day, their descendants would live free
and that one of their kins would be considered a leader of such charisma and intelligence
that he could soon become the president of one of the most powerful countries on Earth.
And yet, such a dream has come to pass...


"Can you also imagine for a moment what the common's man thinking was a mere hundred years ago
when half of the world's population was considered so unworthy and inferior,
because they were female,
that they didn't even have the right to vote?
Never in their wildest dreams could the women of a century ago believe
that, one day, their daughters and grand daughters would become equal citizens
endowed with the same rights and benefiting from the same opportunities as men,
and that several of them would have become powerful leaders in every field of human activities,
heads of states and perhaps even president of one of the most powerful countries on Earth.
And yet, such a dream has come to pass...


"Can you imagine now what the common man's thinking is today
regarding the seeming inevitability of war and violence
perpetrated by humans against other humans and nature
as something that will never change,
like a never-ending plague that befalls humanity beyond its control?
Never in our wildest dreams can we believe that, one day,
no longer raising one's hand to hurt or kill another being
will be tolerated nor even be thinkable.
And yet, such a dream is soon coming to pass...."

Finetuning to my Present
continuation of my attempt to integrate my enormous "fishul"

Please, it's now 11:42, help me to do this.
My landlord makes a lot of noise, installing new windows above,
it's grey and cold outside, and I'll even switch on the stove now.
I've rested, maybe even slept a little, to not force it, but let it come to me.
I allowed myself a second breakfast - good bread from Shoham, butter, honey.

I still feel, as I felt when I had to write a paper at school or at the university,
empty in my brain, paralyzed in my feeling...

5 actors in a drama + 3 secondary actors who join in for 4 hours.
While the wave pattern of myself and Immanuel is quite even and smooth,
the curves of E. and T., and even of little Mika, have a high amplitude.

When on Saturday night I. and I sat down to understand what happened,
- after T. was gone, Mika in bed and E. refused to talk with either of us -
he began:
"You'll never learn - or more exactly - you have this pattern
of always wanting to put things right immediately!
It doesn't work like that with other people!"

This is true, but my inappropriate behavior did not start with this pattern.
It started with forgetting "to walk humbly with God's walking with the world".

I should have known, that after that peak of harmony on Shabbat Eve,
the wave needed - yes "needed" - to drop the next morning ,
and if I had not only anticipated this, but actively accompanied it with my love,
I would not have fought it , intervened and tried to hold on to the peak.
2013: See the song: ride with the wave, descend with the wave,
don't stick to peaks, nor get stuck in pits...
In fact, this time it wasn't even Tomer who fell into the pit.
Until we left the beach and drove and drove to find a restaurant,
his mood was relatively steady and his interactions relatively smooth.

It was really me, who stirred up what would have petered out by itself.

T. got up by himself, as far as I know he hadn't needed to be pushed.
He encountered me nicely and when he sat opposite me in my room,
I asked: "Do you still feel happy?" And he saw, that I had tears in my eyes.

Then I heard E. demanding in a harsh voice, that he fold his blanket.
It was not the easy, humorous attitude, which I had missed for a long time,
and which had reappeared last night to my great delight.
T. brought the blanket, but didn't know where to squeeze it into the cupboard.
To make sure, we had found the right place, I gently called E., while T. left.
"What's the matter, didn't he put the blanket back to its place?"
Softly I pointed to a better solution in the crowded cupboard.
I didn't mind, that she harshly insisted on the appointed spot.
I should have seen, that any further word was "not wished".
But the real reason for having called her was that I wanted to convey her this:
"E., is it ~ possible, that you talk to T. the way you talked yesterday night?
He is very vulnerable right now."

The outbreak which followed rightaway was bad,
but nothing compared to the aftermath 11 hours later.
In hindsight I could see - and I. also pointed it out -
that I had ripped the membrane from a seething volcano.
which, as the day proceeded, was stirred by more mistakes on my part,
until it exploded spreading ashes and lava all around.

Immanuel:
"It's none of your business to defend Tomer
or to intervene in any way concerning E.'s or my behavior towards him!
I know, how difficult this is, since you are a part of this entire setup.
I wished, I could tell you not to be with us, when Tomer is present,
so as to not make things worse, but this, of course, is not realistic."

I am making things worse by at least two patterns:
by - in one of 100 cases - falling into the trap of my need to defend Tomer
and by - always - falling into the trap of trying to pull T. or E. out of a "mood".

As to the latter trap, it's hard to forgive myself for not learning.....

Let me "drive backward" to a lesson in October 2006:

Finetuning to my Present

Back to that first intervention, with which I messed up everything.
I said to Immanuel, that the concept of "no intervention" is not clear-cut.
For five years I studied
how the ancient Jewish Sages endeavored to learn the lessons
from the destruction and catastrophes
which put an end to Israel in its own land.
I learnt, that "if you don't protest against an evil,
you are the one who is responsible for this evil,
yes, you have done this evil!"
The same I learnt later in "Reevaluation Counseling":
stand up against oppression!

This may be right for the people all over the world
who protest against China's oppression of Tibet,
but it obviously is   n o t  r i g h t   i n   t h e   c a s e   o f   a   f a m i l y.
For  if   I   defend   one   member  of   the   family   against another,
this other member will feel   g u i l t y
and   w i l l   n o t   l o v e   h i m / h e r s e l f.
Guilt and self-hatred   together  with not- feeling full-filled
will cause more oppression, more humiliation, more killing.