image of the day

                          After the bath: negotiating the time with the dummy:
                           "ktzat, ktzat!" a little, a little. "How little?" "That little!"

18:58
My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to you with the psalmist 3000 years ago:


For Thou hast made my reins;
Thou hast knit me together in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks unto Thee,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
wonderful are Thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
Ps. 139 [this translation is far from satisfying] -see the entire song

I am great-grate-full for the wondrous wonder yesterday:
an hour after my message to Efrat: "Do yearn for a woman friend
with all your heart, but don't contaminate the yearning with victimhood",
Sharon appeared and a true "nidberu" (see on top) occurred in my presence!
I am ggrate-full for the wondrous process between triggering and learning
between mother and daughter , between morning and evening

Finetuning to my Present
19:27
I'm very tired, though I had a long nap, and would like to watch TV,
but so far it doesn't work.
Please let me put into writing what has been bothering me the whole day.
Something is seething inside my soul, and though I see what causes it,
I don't really understand, why this should cause such a tumult:
It has to do with the two exterior facts,
that I left my room at Bet-Nehemya with the knowledge,
that I wouldn't return to it for 3 weeks,
and that I wouldn't see Mika, nor Efrat and Immanuel, for 3 weeks either.
The second "fact" seems to be, that I either have to come here to be with Tomer,
or Tomer will come to me to be with me at Arad.
Aside from some faint ego-pains
(Immanuel had suggested, that the 4 days of his simulator-learning in London,
Efrat would come with him, while I would take care of Mika and Tomer.
Efrat said: "No way, that I leave Mika with Tomer and Grandma",
I tried to make a joke: "You'll never trust me!" while she came up with the idea,
to also take Mika with her, "and Tomer will go to his mother!"
No checking with me, how I felt about that "solution".
I said with determination: "no, Tomer will not go to his mother, it's not her weekend."
But this morning again E. expressed her anger, that I even could suggest,
that Tomer would come from Bne-Arazim at Rishon-le-Zion to Arad by public transport.
"We all know, what you demanded from your children when they were small:
Immanuel had to ride a bus alone already at the age of six" etc. etc.
I fell into the trap of "righteousness":
"When Immanuel tells stories like this, you can take away half of it."
"What do you say! Also Ronnit and Micha tell these stories about your outrageous demands on their courage! A miracle , that nothing happened!
And why do you say that I's stories have to be taken half seriously!!!!"
By then I had caught my pattern of wanting to be righteous
and only said -hoping to appease her:
"Compared with you, who are always quoting exactly what has happened or what was said, Immanuel is often not exact in what he remembers, yes, he even projects this quality on me and says time and again: "You've forgotten! Don't you remember?"
But I was at peace even with my blunder of "Defending myself by Blaming others".
I felt the freedom of not having to be righteous
neither with concern to the upbringing of my children,
nor with concern to my memory or to my defending-blaming blunder.

Another, much smaller trigger which occurred while we were still in the kitchen,
was also nothing but a reminder, that I do not have to be recognized for my righteousness:
I said to Efrat: "According to our agreement: look into the fridge, if there is still something you want to get rid of! I took what you most certainly don't want, but there might be more."
She was impatient: "Oh why didn't you take these things in the dishes with the plates. And why are these plates covering the dishes anyway! I hate this, oh I hate this."
I was triggered, yes, for it was thanks to me, that there could be found space in the fridge at all for the leftovers of our Shabbat meal with Micha and his kids.
In my mother's house, when we had finally a fridge , - it was at a time, when I already studied at the university, i.e. I was already 20 years old, when we acquired the first fridge - it was so tiny, that only my mother's ingenuity of packing things (something which I myself am so skilled at, and without which I would not have been able to live in a bus, in a tent and in a cave..) managed with leftovers, the more so, as we never threw away anything, even if mold got attached to it.
"So how should I have stored these things", I asked Efrat, trying to control my pain.
"In plastic-boxes, if at all!" she snapped.
I hate plastic-boxes and I hate food in plastic-boxes,
but our approaches are as contrary in this as regarding the issue "fridge" in general:
I want the fridge to be absolutely orderly,
and I don't buy anything new, until what is there has been finished,
while Efrat gets panicky if she sees an "empty" fridge,
she therefore does not only not order the things are there,
but buys and buys and buys, until always something rots away,
and if it weren't for me, who takes away, what soon would rot,
there would be thrown away even many more things.
I'm content with myself, that though I had that slight pain,
probably in memory of a life-long effective way of storing things,
and not only in the fridge but everywhere,
otherwise, how could I - with my vast interests and joy in pretty things
and pattern of not being able to throw away anythin -
live in a one-room flat?
well though I felt that slight pain, I could let go,
neither expressing that pain, nor stating my "belief"
that my method of storing was better for the food and nicer for the fridge.
From now on I shall not make an effort to free the fridge from almost empty big bowls and pots by storing their content in small vessels.
I'll do what Efrat does, stuff and push everything wherever there is space left.

But now to the "big" feelings.
That dream about

Before trying to fall asleep - which was difficult -
I had asked to remember my dreams
(after what I'd read in "Tears of the Ancestors" - see below).
I was woken up by a terrible cramp in my right foot,
jumped up and could still remember:
"Christa, Christa" -
I had been around people, but hidden in some device,
which was neither transparent nor opaque,
I had to do work for everyone there - reading, wrting, researching, probably.
My anxieties since yesterday night are small but palpable;
mainly concerning the not yet solved question,
if Tomer will be with me or not and if yes, where we should, shall be,
while my trinity will fly to London for almost 4 days.

The dream, the 3 weeks at Arad, the complex T.-issue
(tomorrow he'll undergo examinations at Ben-Shemen boarding school!)
and the general premonition, that something in my life will change,
which excites and frightens me at one and the same time:
I just want some weeks for myself, for my creating on K.i.s.s.-L.o.g.
through finetuning to my present and driving backward to my past,
and letting myself be nourished by so many messages from all sides.

Nourishment from Others

A clipping from a Seth-book p. 29-30):
Your beliefs grow as surely in time and space as flowers do.
When you realize this you can even feel their growing
[my question :
"how can I phrase - "I'm NOT righteous", "NOT perfect"
in a positive way, i.e. as a belief, which will guide and nourish me?]

theconscius mind is basically scurious, open. It is also equipped to eamine its own contents. Because of the psychological theories of the last century, many Western people belived that the primary purpose of the conscious mind was to inhiit "unconscious" material.
Instead it is also meant to receive and interpret important data that comes to it from the inner self. Left alone, it does this very well. It receives and interprets impessions. What has happened, however, is that man has taught it to accept [only] data coming from the utside world, and to set up barriers against inner knowledte.

Such a situation denies the individual his full stength,.....

to change your experience or any portion of it, then, you must change your ideas. Since you have been forming your own reality all along, the results will follow naturally

You must be convinced that you can alter your beliefs [righteousness!] You must bewillng to try. Think of a limiting idea as a muddy color and your life as a multidimensional painting that is marred. You change the idea as an artist wouldhis palette.
The artist does not identify with the colors he uses. He knows he chooses them, and applies them with a brush. So you paint your reality with your idea in the same manner. You are not your ideas, nor even your thoughts. You are the self who experiences them.

p. 233-234
Now: Ruburt [=Jane the channeler of Seth] also saw that he believd he had to justify his existence through his writing. This because he did not trust the basic right of his being as it existed, and does, in space and time. These old beliefs had not caught up to his newer ones.
The same artificial need to vindicate being is present in many of my readers, and various core beliefs may be built up to hide this inner insecurity. You may "justify your life" by biological creataivity, and then latch onto your children and never want to let them go. You may use yor career instead. But in all cases you mut come to grips with such unnecessary ideas, face the reality of your creaturehood, and see that you certainly have as much of a place in the universe as a squirrel, an ant or a leaf. You do not question their right to exist. Why question your own? (loudler smiling:) And that is the end of our passionate session....
(12:02 A.M. "Those feelings even came up a couple of times whle Seth was talking," Jane said. And her richly sensual responses continued. The feel of the esheets...
Now; Dictation: When you allow your emotions their natural spontaneous flow they will never engulf you, and always return you refreshed to "logical" conscious-mind thougth.

it is only when you dam them up that they appear to be apposed to the intellect, or overwhleming. It is of the utmost importance, however, that you understand the power and directing nature of your conscious mind, for otherwise you will believe yourself to be forever at the mercy of co [end of clipping]

p. 275-276
Now: The long period of continous waking conscious activity is to some extent at variance with your natural inclinations.
It cuts you off from the spontaneous give-an d-take of conscious and unconscious material, and of itself you see necessitates certain changes that then make your prolonged sleep period necessary (intently). The body is denied the frequent rests it requires. Conscious stimuli is over-applied, making assimilation difficult and placing a strain upon the mind-body relationship.

The division between the two aspects of experience begins to take on the characteristics of completely diverse behavior. The unconscious becomes more and more unfamiliar to consciousness. Those beliefs buld up about it, and the symbolisms involved are exaggerated.The unknown seems to be threatening and degenerate. The color black assumes stronger tendencies in its connection with evil - something to be avoided. ...

there are quite natural physical mechanisms in the body tht provide for such interaction. You deny yourself many of these advantages through the artificial alienation that you have set up by yur present wake-sleep patterns, to which, again, your ideas of good and evil are intimately connected.

Those of you who cannot practically make any alterations in sleeping habits can still obtain some benefits by changing your beliefs in the areas discussed, learning to recall yur dreams and resting briefly when you can, and immediately aftrward recording those impressions that you retain.

You must give up any ideas that you have as to the unsavory nature of unconscious activity. You must learn to believe in the goodness of your being. Otherwise you will not explore these other states of your own reality.

When you trust yourself then you will trust your own dream interpretations - and these will lead you to greater self-understanding.

p.176
Psychologist usually see people who are already in difficulty. The happy man has no need for such a visit. Few studies have been done to discover why the happy man is happy, yet his answers would be highly pertinent.
[this is also my grief:
Where are the researches on what are the Conditions for Heaven-on-Earth?]