I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
"AZ
NIDBERU"
- My
new Midrash and song
in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi
3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The
Name]
Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk
among each other,
and he listens and he
hears
yatakaalamuna allathina
yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht und er
hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent
l'un a l'autre
il entends,
il ecoute
It seems that I chose 26 actors
for my life's drama and those 26 actors chose me! One
common trait of all roles is "mutual dependency"
between them and me.
With 16 actors - my family - the mutual
dependency is life-long! With my landlords
at Arad & with my
6 starchildren, born
between 1986-88, it may be temporary. My children: Immanuel, Ronnit, Micha; my
children-in-love: Efrat, Uri, Ra'ayah; my 10 grandchildren [born
1987-2005): Elah-Alon-Tomer-Mika; Jonathan-Rotem-Yael-Itamar;
Arnon-Ayelet
My landlords: Ofir & Meital+ Lior (2002) & Amit (2005).
My starchildren: Lior Oren, Zipi Winkler , Dina Strat , Meshi
Taib, Gal Mor, Boris Arons [26=YHWH=13+13=ahavah+ahavah =LOVE!]
Actions:
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Washing dishes,
with Efrat to Shoham
Chanuka-w. I., E., M.
Appendix to Big Brother
Interactions:
Immanuel,
Mika, Efrat
e-mail:><Uri;
><Moshe
Klein;
>Lior Oren
last physiotherapy with Sarit, related intently to a swollen
mark on my right leg:Pay attention!
Immanuel off to Hongkong
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may I desire strength and inspiration for
thoroughly expressing and healing all I felt and experienced
during the togetherness with my 15 actors in my life's drama.
I desire that this work will radiate: "may
you feel good about yourself"
- on each and every one.
I desire that the inspired communication between I. and E. -
with me as fertilizer- will yield fruit!
I desire to refrain from all VERBAL "empowering" of
my grandchildren, esp. concerning music,
so as not to add to what is felt as 'the pressure of expectations'
exuding from my very presence, my being a mirror and a soundboard
for what a grandchild - as any person - is meant to become
"GREAT" - which means "feeling
good about oneself and one's accomplishments"
celebrating
Mika's birthday privately
in the morning in my room
hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today(no time for details) I am grate-full for the complete composition
of the events on Mika's BD.
Even the TV program:"mishpakhah khoreget" was a
piece in the puzzle:
How Alon
Gal helped a young couple to get out of their
financial plight,
by drawing out the greatness of both, the man and the woman,
separately,
i.e. making them "feel
good about themselves and their accomplishments"
To Alon Gal on Febr. 15, 2009
The first and the last
activity of Mika in my room yesterday morning
was this:
She discovered the "colored clouds", which I had exhibited
on a shelf.
She had made them - with help - by dripping candle
stearin on water
and given it to me, when I arrived this time.
I should have photographed it rightaway, for now she crumbled
her creation
into small crumbs and gathered them in one of my 3 basket-boxes.
I wasn't pleased with it, but neither was I angry.
After many other activities,
and while she was sitting on a cusion on the window sill, held
by my hands,
I said: "Be careful with the
basket, don't drop it." That moment she dropped it, and the stearin
crumbs fell into the Bougainvillia
from where the "colored clouds" could not be retrieved
& would pollute the soil.
Even if dropping the basket was just one of her incountable
"droppings" per day,
the next thing she did was by intention: she dropped the cover
of the basket.
And what then? When I dared to say:"Now
I'm really angry", she pushed me to let her down, started
to whine and ran into her mother's arms:"What's
the matter, what's the matter!" Efrat
exclaimed.
The "truth of the matter" was soon revealed and Mika
was asked: "What should you do now."
"To think!", "what else", "to apologize",
which she - under great pressure from
her mother - did : ~~~~"Slichah!" And now that I open an e-mail from
"Spaceweather.com"
I find the colored clouds - in size and colors just like nano-creation
of Mika.!..
NACREOUS
CLOUDS: For the second time in a week, nacreous
clouds have made an appearance over Scandinavia. On Dec.
17th they were sighted over Trondheim, Norway. Two days later,
the clouds drifted over Kittila, Finland:
"These were our first
nacreous clouds of the season," says photographer Sauli
Koski. "I could watch them all day!"
Nacreous clouds are located
in the stratosphere some 9 to 16 miles high. Their iridescent
"mother of pearl" colors come from sunlight striking
tiny ice crystals inside the clouds. Very low temperatures near
-85o C are required to form the crystals, which is why nacreous
clouds are seen mainly during winter over places like Alaska,
Iceland and Scandinavia.
These clouds are supposed to be rare, yet
earlier this year Scandinavians witnessed a veritable "nacreous
storm." For more than a week in January 2008, hardly a
night went by without someone spotting mother-of-pearl colors
in the sky. No one knows what caused the storm or if it could
happen again. One thing is sure: northern sky watchers should
be alert for more. The best time to look is during the twilight
hours before dawn or after sunset. [see
also Nacreous Clouds Photo Gallery] Ivar
Marthinusen ,Dec. 17, 2008 , Trondheim, Norway
Nacreous
clouds are wave clouds.
They are often found downwind of mountain ranges
which induce gravity waves in the lower stratosphere.
Their sheet-like forms slowly undulate and stretch as the waves
evolve.
The clouds can also be associated with very high surface winds
which may indicate the presence of, or induce, winds and waves
in the stratosphere.
They form at temperatures
of around minus 85ºC, colder than average lower stratophere
temperatures, and are comprised of ice particles ~10µm
across. The clouds must be composed of similar sized crystals
to produce the characteristic bright iridescent colours by diffraction
and interference.
Nacreous
Clouds over Antarctica
Imaged by Cherie Ude at McMurdo Base in 2004.
Nacreous
clouds glow brightly with vivid iridescent colours. They are
wave clouds and their undulating sheet-like forms reveal the
winds and waves of the stratosphere. Nacreous clouds, sometimes
called mother-of-pearl clouds, are rare but once seen are never
forgotten. They are mostly visible within two hours after sunset
or before dawn when they blaze unbelievably bright with vivid
and slowly shifting iridescent colours. They are filmy sheets
slowly curling and uncurling, stretching and contracting in
the semi-dark sky. Compared with dark scudding low altitude
clouds that might be present, nacreous clouds stand majestically
in almost the same place - an indicator of their great height.
They need the very frigid regions of the lower stratosphere
some 15 - 25 km (9 -16 mile) high and well above tropospheric
clouds. They are so bright after sunset and before dawn because
at those heights they are still sunlit. They are seen mostly
during winter at high latitudes like Scandinavia, Iceland, Alaska
and Northern Canada. Sometimes, however, they occur as far south
as England. They can be less rare downwind of mountain ranges.
Elsewhere their appearance is often associated with severe tropospheric
winds and storms. Nacreous clouds far outshine and have much
more vivid colours than ordinary iridescent clouds which are
very much poor relations and seen frequently all over the world.
Morning Idyll with Abba and Imma
Finetuning to my Present
At 0:30 we brought our fruitful communication
to a closure,
Immanuel, Efrat and I,
but I could not sleep. At 4 A.M. I was still awake.
I finally understood the overall reason for my fears of such
"gatherings".
Efrat expressed it, jokingly, when she said , before "it"
started
and Mika was in a "stressed" mood - unlike her usual
self: "We
(Efrat & Rachel)
should take sessions in weaning ourselves
from taking responsibility for everyone's joy and enjoyment." She even said, again ! lightly! -
that she was especially pressured because of me.
I countered: "but in daily situations it's you
who is worried,
when you imagine that Mika is bored or 'not stimulated enough',
while I have no problem with this possibility,
nor do I see it realized ever,
but on this day - it's natural,
that I want to do everything to keep her happy."
I - pressured - couldn't help uttering
sharp words against the business,
which produced and sold this "garbage"
- an unplayable - "trumpet"
for 20 NIS, (Mika:"you
didn't bring me a trumpet", when we had our private birthday celebration
in my room in the morning,
for whenever someone had asked her, what do you want for your
birthday,
she said"a trumpet",
Efrat decided, it should be Tomer, who
would give it to her as a gift,
paying for it from his pocket-money, (though it would be bought by Emilia,
who works with Efrat at the Shoham-plus newspater
and had to go to the Musical Shop "Klei-Zemer" to
Modi'in anyway)
To Tomer I said - quite unnecessarily:
"I'm also sorry for you, because
I so much wished,
that you would give her a present in which she would delight." Elah tried to calm us down ( though
not in a calming way...),
and I let go of trying to amuse Mika.
In this case I wasn't aware at first,
that it was the patterned torment,
which began to seize me:
the extreme sensitivity to what people around me are feeling.
"I wasn't aware" also meant, that I "acted
on it",
i.e. I tried to sidetrack Mika from what made her feel bad.
I did this also because I feared for Efrat,
who is my twin in feeling other people's feelings,
leave alone the feelings of her daughter,
leave alone also the mother-ego need to present her daughter
in the best light.
After the trigger with Yael and its
healing[see below] I became - very gradually - aware that all the fears I expressed in my "Intention"
were nothing compared to this overall plight, predicament,
torment
of feeling the feelings, or the denial of feelings,
of each person present.
It has always been like that, even in
situations,
in which I had no responsibility whatsoever,
as was brought home to me by the facilitator "Pat"
in the workshop "Joyspring":
when he - towards the end, after all 52 participants had found
their "essence"-
had to push me to find mine: "Who is the most caring person
here,
when people strive for finding themselves?
Who is expressing worry & wishing,
when a person is close to a breakthrough?" It was then, that I could write on the
blackboard: "I do care", and finally except this essence, which
had always been made wrong & ridiculed "Why do you care?
Why do you take to heart?
This is your problem! Let go!" I could finally accept the content of
the motto of my
book,
that quote by the nobel price winner Abbe Pierre: "In the future it will not be important,
if you believed or not,
but if you cared or not"
I therefore don't even want
to "be weaned" from this quality,
this ability to feel others and desiring them to feel good
about themselves.
This is my goal, the purpose of my
life on this planet:
to help people to discover and to realize the conditions
for"feeling good about themselves
and their accomplishments!"
And it is only natural, logical,
a prerequisite, that I FEEL people around me.
But this does also explain my fears of
being with more than one or a few people.
i.e. in a situation, in which I cannot influence or at least
inspire the person,
who does not feel good about him/herself in that situation
or altogether.
It seemed to me
- during vibrating and becoming aware of my fears yesterday
morning -
that all I would have to do, would be to flow with my fears
of - not living up to others' expectations -
or of making someone project on me his/her fear,
that it was me who was expecting something from them.
I was ready to vibrate and except my mistakes and to heal
them if possible.
And this I did:
There is the mutual triggering between Yael/Ronnit and me,
but this led to a deeper communication between Yael and me
and it became the catalyst for our nightly communication. "What was the end of the story
with Yael?"asked Immanuel,
while Mika was swirling around among us, who were cleaning
up.
I told them - summarizing as shortly and clearly as possible
,
what I now want to tell in more details:
When the Shai family arrived and Yael came to hug me,
I asked her: " Have you fixed with Arnon to
practice once more,
when both of you would meet?" She said meekly: "I've
forgotten my clarinet!" I was aghast and - continuing the unaware
"state-of-mind" on the veranda
with Mika, Elah, Tomer, Efrat and the trumpet-junk -
said ( oh shame!) : "Now I'm really me-vu-aeset[slang for disappointed]" and I even walked away a few steps,
when I heard Ronnit scream: "I knew it!!!!! That's the only
thing...." I didn't hear the rest,
only saw how Ronnit jumped up from the sofa,
took weeping Yael in her arms
and left the house.
I looked for them outside -
feeling that everyone was angry at me
for having "oppressed-depressed" Yael with my anger.
Ronnit came back - seemingly calmed-down -
and said: "Rotem and I are driving back to
Modi'in
to fetch the clarinet."
I felt even more guilty,
but it also gave me a chance to listen to Yael.
For it was clear to me,
that the hole in her, which was triggered by me,
was much deeper and perhaps old.
She cried and indeed told me,
that she hadn't been able to bear my accusation,
that she hadn't been responsible
for helping with the organization of that RedSea trip
for her Bat-Mitzvah,
nor that she ever initiated a Grandma-Day. She could voice very clearly,
that this was part of her personality:
not to be able to initiate or organize things. "And when you ask this from me,
I feel like I don't want any grandma-day at all."
I could understand her
and wondered at myself,
that I had asked her to do things,
which she really wasn't good at,
while she was so good at other things.
I asked her forgiveness,
and when Arnon came a few minutes later,
pulled him into my room and into our talk,
and shared my understanding,
that we cannot ask from Yael to do , what for her is so hard
to do. "We are all different puzzle pieces,
and if we know, in what we are good and in what we are not
good,
then we can complement each other..." Etc.
It's Dec. 31 now, and I don't recall all the details of the
talk,
but it was a good understanding
and a bit of a healing, I believe.
What is needed: Light or Greatness? [A part of our private birthday celebration
yesterday morning in my room, was,
that I suggested to light the special candles
created for "Grandma to her 70th birthday", by Tomer
and by Ayelet.
Mika asked me to closed the shutters so it would be completely
dark.
The darkness didn't scare her as usual, on the contrary,
she began to loudly sing the Chanuka-song: "We came to evict darkness",
with all the movements so cherished by little kids,
and to scream with all her might: "L
I G H T "!
Though I am always expressing my strong reservations of this
light-polarization,
and am happy for the
wholeness version of that song created by Ronnit in 2001,
I enjoyed her fervor! ]
from the page Winter
Solstice 2008 ... At winter solstice,
Sun is at its lowest point:
the longest night, the most profound descent into the dark,
and a subsequent turning of the cycle,
a return to the Light.
Thus a moment of REBIRTH,
return and renewal of the life force are signaled.
Light begins to grow once again.
This is why all cultures on this planet,
since long ago,
have celebrated this moment in one way or another.
To safeguard & tend to the sacred fire of Life,
to keep hope alive,
to acknowledge the ever-renewing power of Nature
& and all living things,
to assure the Return of our day star, the Sun.
INTENTION & RITUAL
* to form a Cyber-Circle to mark Solstice,
the first day of winter
with awareness, recognition & honoring.
* to align ourselves with current Sun-Earth
resonance.
* to celebrate & share with cyber-friends,
circles & fellow-seekers.
This special moment reminds us
of the miracle and wonder of our place in the universe,
and calls us to recognize & honor
the universal forces which make us One
with the spirit of Divine, Cosmic, Earth-Nature, and all Living
Beings.
Feel the energy which links us
and which creates a miraculous Whole
circling the entire globe.
This inter-connecting psychic energy
creates a clear, luminous circle of trust and love,
and permits us to have an intentional contact
with the energies of Solstice & other participants.
Thru this ceremony, we wed our daily
lives
with the more vast eternal cycles.
Our world here is thus illuminated
by the larger world of the cosmos and seasons.
Take a moment to realize fully
the miracle of our existence here on this planet,
in a delicate and remarkable balance,
to realize fully our interdependence
between Sun, Earth, ourselves, this infinite web of Universal
energy.
Take some time to complete a Light meditation,
a ritual fitting for the Rebirth of our Sun:
Through the returning Light of our star,
Sol,
we cultivate our inner light in these times of dark.
Let the Light within go forth
Let the Light gather and spread
from each point and across this Planet
and way beyond still,
creating a great Web of Light.
May Light be distributed through
our every feeling, thought, word & deed.
May all find their place, their Light
& peace,
their earthly and spiritual nourishment.
Visualize clearly a circle of light
which englobes our entire planet.
...
Send our support, love, gratitude and light thru this circle.So
Be It.
Dec.
31: Why did I quote such a text
which only frustrates me?
So much bla-bla!
So little connected to what I cope with,
as exemplified in the left frame! I'm glad, that this
was the last time,
I gave attention to what is not helpful....
Right
Use of Will - Yellow Book -Heart Song p.233 "Greatness is
a matter
of feeling good
about oneself
and one's accomplishments. "Whatever talents and
skills
feel right to the spirits involved
are the right measure and proportion of greatness
and are innately rewarding,
...
p.234 "For the greatness
to come forth
that is needed now on Earth,
it is necessary to
move the lost Will
that will allow greatness
to manifest from its right place.
I want
to be reminded often of the famous words,
written by author Marianne Williamson,
used by Nelson Mandela, Inaugural Speech 1994:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadaquate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
"Your
playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightening about shrinking,
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
"We were
born to manifest the glory of God within us.
It's not just in some of us;
it's in everyone.
"And
as we let our light shine,
we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others."
Maryam, 2001_10_04;
last update: 2003_05_04
Today I realized
a strange application for this:
Letting my greatness shine, means right now
to allow myself acceptance of my outbreak,
even if my son is projecting:
"People will shun you,
if you don't control outbreaks like the one with T.!
Something is lacking in your theory about feelings!
you better discover what, for you are our model! "
Fear says:
If even my son and partner judges and blames me
not only for exploding,
but - since he knows the reasons for explosions -
for feeling so much pain,
what can I expect from other people?
The old solutions
of avoiding to be "too much for people",
of withdrawing so they wouldn't be bothered by my existence,
of controlling myself more than I do anyway, even today,
of exhausting myself in pleasing my children,
of investing all my energy in order not to trigger my
grandchildren,
so that then their parents would not be afraid, I might
loose them,
these 'solutions' only brought me the reflections of
my avoidances.
He keeps claiming,
that I suffer too much,
that I feel too much
that there is no healthy balance between feeling pain
and putting up defenses against.
My greatness :
If I can allow myself
to risk everyone's love by an outbreak,
so can others.
If I can show how I handle the consequences of an outbreak,
so can others.
Finetuning
to my Present
The only qraa-qraa-qraa I heard this
morning
concerning my "behavior" yesterday,
was that I blamed Tomer,
i.e. did not refrain from making him feel guilty,,
even if he didn't feel this because of his hard crust
of denial.
After I had done, what he wanted from me for about
40 minutes:
share his enthusiasm with his songs and add some info
or thinking here and there,
I said: "Can I ask you
to share some things about your life at Ben-Shemen?"
He could have said "no", but he said: "Later,
I promise".
"Perhaps we go out?" "I don't want
to go out."
"I'll take a little nap now, so when shall I
hear from you?" "I'll call you, I promise."
Later he passed me by, when I was cutting mint in
the garden for Efrat.
It's there that I blamed him for the first time, as
I told, and then a second time:
after the celebration was over, the people gone and
his father was about to drive him back,
I couldn't help saying: "You
promised, and you did not keep your promise."
I've inserted Levi's picture (from an e-mail inviting
to a course of his), for there is a similarity:
Levi always promises... Despite my desire to not pollute
my wombing of people with blame,
I decided to write to him today
: "You promised to tell
me, if you fixed a meeting with Tomer."
In both cases my self-judging does not concern my
blaming,
but the very fact, that I attracted the promise-breaking
of Tomer and Levi......
16:30 Now I hear, that Levi called Immanuel
- about the same time, when I wrote this "finetuning"
,
and told, that this noon he met Tomer, took him for some fast
food in some close town,
justifying all this by:"I'm
very close to your father and to all your family, and I want
to be close to you too." He wanted to first build trust, before
he - in the future (?- I'm sorry for still doubting his promises)
- will do, what we had asked from him:
to tell Tomer, that he himself was in a boarding-school and
that he still believes, that this was the right place for him
and therefore living in the boarding-school of Ben-Shemen might
be the right place for Tomer too.
to Uri, who baked the vegetarian cookees,
which Rotem found
on the Internet
and which everyone savored yesterday I'm a bit scared of what food to offer
to Rotem,
since she is so "strict" in what she doesn't eat,
no milk, no eggs, and once not even honey!
Humanity is experiencing the most intensified
purging of the economic system,
and the various other social structures
that do not operate with a consciousness of the highest good
for all concerned, . ....
Millions of people see only the painful situations that are
happening in their lives.
As a result of this limited perception, they feel overwhelmed
and hopeless.
This is very hard to observe, but it is not all bad.
... we just muddled through our Earthly experiences
....using pain as our motivator. Unless we were writhing
in agony, we did not feel
that it would help to take action or to ask for assistance
from our Father-Mother God. For millions of people
on Earth,
prayer and an invocation for Light...occurs only
when they are brought to their knees by their life situations.
This is exactly what is happening at this time for millions
of people all over the world.
....
Beginning now, and continuing for the next
72 hours, focus intently on the vision of what you want to
manifest in your life and the lives of your loved ones.
Focus on your visions for the New Earth and ... for all Humanity.
..
2009 is going to be a year of miraculous
changes.
These changes have been in the works for quite some time,
and now we are going to experience them tangibly in the world
of form.
These changes will not happen by chance.
They will occur through the unified efforts of Lightworkers
all over the world
and the Company of Heaven.
I know there are a lot of dire predictions
regarding the global economy and the challenges Humanity is
going through,
but we are not the victims of circumstance. We are the cocreators of our Earthly experiences.
If we do not like the way things are going in our lives,
we have the ability to change our circumstances.
This is what we have been preparing for aeons to accomplish—and
now is the time.
As the Hopi prophecy states: “We
are the ones we have been waiting for.”
2009 numerically is an 11 year.
Eleven is the master number
that reflects the transformation of the physical into the
Divine.
The archetypes... for the New Earth were securely anchored
into the physical plane
in August 2008. In 2009, through our creative faculties
of thought and feeling,
we will expand these patterns into our daily experiences.
The purging and cleansing of the obsolete
behavior patterns
that have caused the maladies existing in Humanity’s
lives will continue.
But the wonderful news is, as these old archetypes crumble
away,
the expansion of the patterns ...for the New Earth will begin
to manifest in ways
that will bring joy, fulfillment and great
expectations
into the hearts and minds of people everywhere.
The information in this monthly
sharing is being given to Humanity
by the Beings of Light in the Realms of Illumined Truth.
The Divine Intent of these celestial sharings is
to encourage, empower, uplift and inspire Humanity
by allowing us to see the bigger picture during these wondrous
but often challenging times
Finetuning
to my Present
19:17
If ever somebody should read this: please take into account,
that this is an example of "discharge" of feelings
about another person
NOT "objective reality", and please do not read my
discharge as judgments.
I am NOT judging! I'm feeling, and in this case, I am feeling
grief, pure grief.
It is the Eve of Chanuka, the first candle,
and after Efrat had come home from her office, to fetch me and
drive me to Shoham,
for the last appointment with the physiotherapist ,
while she drove on to fetch Mika from kindergarden
and spoil her with sitting somewhere and eating ice-cream or
a 'sufgania' (donut)
, there were 40 minutes left until Immanuel
would have to go on flight.
He was still busy with cooking for us, had even made a salad
- for us...
and when E. wanted to iron his pilot clothings as usual before
a flight,
he said, that it was all done, and except for taking a shower
he was ready.
So we started the ceremony of lighting the first candle
and of singing a sequence of the most familiar Chanuka songs.
Mika was only partly involved, and busy with the sevivon[whirligig?], either turning around a small one or dancing
herself as one,
but we sang anyway, even the
family song, the history of Chanuka,
once made by Immanuel's father and by me.
So far , so good.
But then started a small series of almost invisible events,
together with a feeling of grief about my son's leaving,
which I can't remember to have felt except during the first
months
of his training in the military air-force , when he was 18. Now he will soon be 46(when
he informed me of his schedule for January,
I discerned, that he would come back on the 23rd, but only at
night.
When I was disappointed, he said: "we
still can celebrate the next day") and I suddenly feel ... I don't want to
express this.
The little incident was this:
For the dinner of Shabbat Eve he had tried a new dish:
making "nyokis" with his own hands.
They didn't come out so well,
and so today, when I asked: "does Efrat know how to handle the
rest of the dough?" he said:"I
could teach you, but no, I'll do it myself for you."
He gave a freshly boiled Nyoki to Efrat
and to me.
For me it was alright, and I imagined, what he also suggested,
that once the Nyokis were cold, they could be fried in butter
and would taste deliciously.
But E. - and here starts the grief, which is not the same as
a trigger - said: "It tastes like dough, Immanuel.
Throw the dough away." "No",I
said firmly, "don't throw
it away". Efrat was triggered as usual by what she
calls my pattern of guarding food
and never throwing away anything.
But I didn't back off:"I
want this dough", I said once
more firmly. "Do with it as you please",
said Immanuel.
So while he went to take his shower
and E. was busy with completing to ornament the Chanukia (see
tomorrow), I had an idea what to do with the dough,
using a much simpler method.
Suddenly faint memories of old times appeared, when I cooked
myself,
not little Nyokis, but big balls of potato-dough , and other
doughs.
I simply dropped a tea-spoon of dough into the boiling water,
using a bit flour for the finger of the left hand which pushed
it from the spoon.
I made some attempts with the duration of leaving the balls
in the boiling water,
and found out, that 5 even 7 minutes would be fine, and not
1 1/2 as I.'s recipe said.
I wanted him to taste one, when he came dressed in his uniform,
but he had already brushed his teeth.
What was the grief in this?
The careless, loveless throwing away, not only of food in general,
but of something, your beloved has cooked for you.
There was indeed a trigger too,
a memory which seems to hurt for ever:
Immanuel had sown a fantastic, elegant jacket for his first
wife,
according to the way she wanted it and with the material she
had chosen and bought.
But when it was ready, she said:"Oh
I don't like it after all", and never wore it.
This love-less-ness was what I felt with the Nyokis,
though E. usually appreciates and praises her husband's food
very much.
It connected with the fairwell scene, which is always painful
for me.
But this time I could hardly stay present with my grief.
She didn't even get up to give him a smile, leave alone a sincere
hug and kiss,
just said: "Bye" or something else just as meaningless.
When it was Mika's turn to say "Shalom" and hug her
father,
she said: "I'm busy",
even several times.
I couldn't help it and whispered from the kitchen:"Don't
allow this!" "No, of course not",
said Efrat and forced her daughter to hug her father,
which she didn't want to do - first because she hates hugging
grownups
(unlike her kindergarden friends), second because she is hysterical
with buttons.
The way she "hugged" him, made Immanuel say: "If that's how you are able to hug
me, it's better to just say Shalom". I had an inspiration then: "Mika, what do you think, should
we go with Abba to the taxi
and make a spiral(as she had asked
me to do this morning again,
when Efrat drove off with her to kindergarden,
I found a tiny piece of the colored stearin and cautiously drew
a spiral on the window,
which shocked my son, who came out from the house too. Efrat laughed, "now
you see my life "(when I'm with your crazy mother)
I went on with drawing spirals in the air, until the car disappeared. Now she was delighted with my idea, took
my hand
and we followed Abba and his suitcase.
E. did not get up , did not see her husband off.
A sharp pain pierced my heart:
I saw my mother , when her husband left her for war, the last
time
and never returned.
She once confided in me saying, that they had quarrelled before....
I did my best to be cheerful with Mika and with my son,
and when he sat in the El-Al taxi Mika said: "lift the window, I want to draw
a spiral on it". I asked the driver, if he agreed, he closed
the window
and Mika - held by my arms around her belly - drew a spiral,
and then - when the car started to move - another one.
And then she drew spirals in the air
just like she is used seeing me doing it in the morning.
We returned to the house... and I went to my room,
neither volunteering to play with Mika, nor expecting that Mika
would search for me.
. This spiral image was once found (or designed?)
by Efrat,
when - at the beginning of creating Healing-k.is.s. in 2001,
and before I understood, that I could mingle text-sculptures
with images -
I looked for illustrations. She called it "sperala",
and that's how it's called in my folder up to this day.
We had a harmonious supper - with the vegetable soup of Immanuel,
an egg, bread and butter for me and "diatetic crackers"
for E.
I feel at peace now.
But I do not want to "heal" that grief.
I want to feel it, move it and go on bearing it.
It's like the grief about my younger son's horrid denials,
which let him soak in (Hebrew idiom) so much "overriding"
from the part of his wife and daughter, and perhaps from other
people too. "You cannot do anything",
said Immanuel concerning Micha,
in that good talk yesterday. "You can only bear it and bear the
consequences of this for his children". I simply cannot image,
how all the wonderful changes promised for this time,
can do away with such "things"
without the people concerned healing them personally.
Maybe, I don't understand all the teachings of Godchannel after
all.
Or maybe they are wrong? Asking for too much endeavor on our
part?
I am grieved....
December 23, 2012 - after having come back from
Mika's birthday this year..
Re-reading this sentence 4 years later, I have reasons to be grieved
even more,,
because people "who should know better", call these "things"
- "mundane distractions":
Dec.12,2012
To Jonathan Goldmann "Before you enter the toning
chambers ..... be clear.....
r e l e a s i n g a n y u n w a n t e d
e m o t i o n s"
I'm bellowing,
roaring - and now interrupting my 70 days abstinence from writing-
in order to express my shock , my excruciating frustration,
that after all those years you, Jo-nathan, whom "YHWY-GAVE"
as a man of gold,
still haven't understood the basic law, that E-MOTIONS need
to be MOVED!!!
Especially "unwanted" emotions scream
for being vibrated and wombed!
This embrace and breathing-moving-sounding of the trampled-over
Shekhina,
the "Will", the female aspect of "God",
the magnetic field, without which the electro ["Spirit"]
can do nothing,
should be the purpose and goal of all your sound-work, Jo-nathan,
as it is of mine!
"Unwanted" emotions cannot be "released",
only judgments can be released!
Emotions have to be embraced, and can be embraced only if they
are expressed,
if they are s o u n d e d , breathed, moved, in short v i b
r a t e d p h y s i ca l l y.
If emotions are ignored or overridden or denied, they do not
disappear,
they fill up your personal receptive centers, or cause you,
e.g., cancer,
or cause you to override other people or even humiliate or kill
them,
or - worse - they become a virus that infects weak people out
there in the streets,
and while you glow in your toning chamber, they fight it out
and destroy the planet.
See the top of the Intro-Page of my website
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/index.htm
Wake up, Jo-Nathan Gold-Man!
Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam, Arad, Israel
Dec.20, 2012
Dear Christa:
Thank you for taking
the time to share your thoughts. But I'm sorry to hear that
this has become a source of such extreme distress. I would simply
like to gently suggest that any judgments you have about the
Temple of Sound instructions could well be released if you would
have the charity to not project a highly idiosyncratic interpretation
on the wording. There is emphatically no intention to imply
that emotions should be repressed or denied.
The instructions are meant to serve on
a more basic level... They are simply a call to temporarily
put aside quotidian concerns before entering the toning space
in order to focus on whatever "higher" purpose one
wishes to address. For example, many distracting events
can occur over the course of a day...Perhaps an argument with
a partner or co-worker, a stressful day at the office, an annoying
event in traffic, etc. The instruction is merely to
release any passing preoccupations with such mundane things.
This type of "mental space clearing" is a common precedent
to any kind of ritual or intentional activity. Once the static
of such distractions is put aside, one can be clearer to hone
in on "deeper" work, which may well could be more
profound levels of emotional processing and balancing along
the lines of what you call attention to in your note below.
In Resonance, Alec Sims
Shalom Alec, "to not project a highly idiosyncratic
interpretation on the wording"...
You may be aware, that "language is petrofied philosophy",
and your second passage demonstrates, indeed,
that you and I are not talking the same language,
and not sharing the same philosophy.
In order "to processsssssssssss emotions",
they have to be first vibrated physically,
i.e. breathed, moved, sounded.
Thus they can heal, guide me and, if necessary, - evolve.
And there are no "mundane things".
If there wouldn't be an "emotion",
there wouldn't be an experience.
And your examples of "distractions" are seething with
emotions,
unmoved, denied, ignored, overridden emotions.
Thanks for bothering to answer in Goldmann's
name.
Sadly: Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam , on December
21, 2012.
Lighting
the first candle
of Chanuka
In front of the Chanukia which tomorrow
will win a price
Now Immanuel is on flight - having left us - his
wife, his daughter, his mother - alone at home...
I thought I
was finished with Big Brother, but no...
Tonight, when I couldn't sleep I read a newspaper article
given to me by Efrat,
in which great Israeli artist fiercely protest against the
flood of "Reality-Programs",
by also quoting some scenes from BB, ripped out of context.
None of the angry outcries - not even those by Gila Almagor,
whom I appreciate -
resonated in me.
I was reminded of the period of the Industrial Revolutions,
when all the artisans - out of jobs - screamed to heaven...
It was understandable concerning the artisans:
how could they have known, that "when God closes a door,
he opens a gate".
But those artists could know that!!!
The only info which was relevant for me were two items:
(1) I understood for the first time, that it's not only the
criterion of "rating",
which dictates the content of a TV program,
for the rating would be highest, if pornography was broadcasted.
So there are some values after all which precede money,
I also learnt for the first time that there is a body of people
who supervise TV.
(2) I liked the reaction to this article by one of the three
companies,
which have concessions (English?)
for the Israeli TV:
I translate:
"...Big Brother has since long overstepped the boundaries
of "Reality".
The discussion and occupation with the program ,
which goes far beyond Television,
proves that in the situations and happenings in The House
the watchers find a kind of reflection of Israeli society.
The fear of the artists
of such outstanding success of a genre which is not a movie,
is understandable.
Despite this, the arrogance which is expressed in the arguments
published here
is not in its right place and does not reflect the taste of
the Israeli public.
As to the argument that "Keshet" does not fulfil
what it has commited to
since the beginning of the new concession (2005)
- concerning the broadcasting of "Elit-programs"
:
up to this day Keshet has invested millions of Shekels in
different genres.
The success of the Reality genre assists Keshet
in continuing its investment in the "Elit Programs"
also at a time, when the economic crisis haunts every area."
This morning,
By chance I walked by the open TV at about 9 A.M. [Immanuel
swept the floor...]
and saw Einav, Leon and Itai in an interview.
Einav was unusually beautiful,
and what she said about Itai was also unusually beautiful.
He was as surprised as I was, a pity I can't remember the
wording.
23:21
It was Sunday night the usual time for Big Brother.
Except that this time Shifra and Yossi,
and then Itai, Einav, Leon,
and at the end all participants were invited into "The
House",
and the first five were interviewed
and sometimes they "interacted with each other".
I use this verb with a cynical connotation.
Yossi Bublil had nothing more to loose,
and so allowed himself - and so did - partly -also his daughter
-
to bombard Shifra, and also Leon
with so much hatred that I could hardly bear it
and Efrat said over and over: "Why
did they stage this meeting!"
But I knew, that this meeting was staged by metaphysical necessity.
This is the outcome of denial on both sides.....
We came to accept
darkness,
in us there is light and shade
each one is a little candle
and together we are a strong light
It is God who creates light & darkness
[modification of last year's "created"] With both
we are whole
For the self-victimization of the Jewish people has
not yet healed.
Once they said: "We cannot do anything against
being slaughtered". Now they say: "We cannot do anything but
have a strong army,
and kill whoever stands up to kill us."
Still victims! Still not Masters
of our destiny.
But neither do I like the passive trust in divine miracles.
The "kad
katan" song
is very sweet,
but it's the same approach: "We are weak, we are totally
dependent on God."
Then there is the third approach
of praising the light, light, light.
There are truly wonderful songs containing this message,
and
the best song of all is "
It's not light against darkness, for "I,
YHWH, make all these",
"make", not
"made".
"I create evil",
"create", not
"created"! But it's also
"I, who make newness, now it's growing,
cant' you recognize it?" Is.43:19,
see song
What is new? The understanding,
that Oneness includes Manifestation:
the one sun shines in many rays
the one sea moves in many waves
the one light appears in many colors,
but they are not opposed to each other,
they are just different from each other,
just different shades.
So that is Chanuka for me:
Extending my inner space to include, contain, comprise
ever more "rays", "waves", "shades
of colors",
i.e. aspects of the One, who we are.
My camera this week clicked by error,
and the result will be the evergrowing symbol of these
eight days.
Continuation
of Mika's 3rd Birthday on December 20
As to more
images of Mika's Birthday - see December
24
Actions:
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning
Washing dishes,
with Efrat to Shoham
Chanuka-w. I., E., M.
Appendix to Big Brother
Interactions:
Immanuel,
Mika, Efrat
e-mail:><Uri;
><Moshe
Klein;
>Lior Oren
last physiotherapy with Sarit, related intently to a swollen
mark on my right leg:Pay attention!
Immanuel off to Hongkong
. 
is very sweet, 
