| The
Purpose of HEALING - K.I.S.S.
- as stated 12 years ago - was and is
to help me and my potential P E E R s
"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,
and - by extension - all of CREATion!" |
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I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a pioneer of Evolution
in learning to feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I
want you to feel everything, every little thing!"
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K.I.S.S. -
L O G 2
0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
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How
Learn
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I
The
Train
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Heal
Conditions
In |
Myself
For
Creating
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Into
Heaven
Those
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Whole
On
Conditions
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Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily |
sanctus-qadosh
sanctus-holy
sanctus-heilig
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Intro
to
k.i.s.s.-l o g + all
dates
~ Library of
7 years ~ HOME
~ contact ~
SEARCH
( of Latin characters only!) my
eldest granddaughter's video-gallery
July
7 Monday,- at Shoham
re-edited on July 9, Arad
back to past ~~~~~
forward to future
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The FOCUS of MY INTENTION
TODAY
Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want,
then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what
may!
8:16 I. went on
flight at 23:10; E. returned from work at 0:10, and she and
Mika have left now. At 10:30 someone wants to see the flat..
I desire to savor the next 9
hours of total (except
for 3 times showing the flat) and
whole al-one-ness.
I desire to "complete" the pages July 1-6 & let
the experiences of those days nourish & heal me.
Following another frustrated
and frustrating, even hurting letter from Gabriele in India:
I desire to gently sever the ties to the last non-family person
& ask her to freeze our friendship.
And following a little
"hammer" from Arnon: "your ideas about a grandma-day
are not at all feasable, since...."
I desire - with regard to my family - to stick to my motto:
"be available, but don't initiate
or plan!"
I desire to cast my main actress
Mika into a role which is more loving, respecting and nurturing.
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image
of the day "SUNSET
SKY SHOW: On July 5th,
Saturn, Mars, Regulus
and the crescent Moon
lined up fetchingly across the western sky.
Amateur astronomer Alan Friedman,
on vacation at a Lake in Maine,
photographed the alignment."
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hodayot [thanksgivings] for
today
8:42
My Body,
my Partner,
my God
I give thanks to the smooth functioning of our urinary tract,
and though any tension (and there was much of it during the
last 10 days)
is reflected as pain in our bladder,
there don't seem to be bacteria
which infect it
I am grate-full for the health and
relative harmony in all my three families.
I am grate-full for the comfort of a home and material abundance
for all.
I am grate-full for the bright mind & physical beauty
of each of my Sixteen.
I am grate-full for the degree of awareness
I discern in my six children.
I am grate-full, that we all live in secure conclaves in an
unsafe country.
I'm grate-full for the respite in the "Tomer-is-Coming"
challenge.
I'm grate-full for the technology which
allows me to heal by creating:
vent, cellphone, camera, computer, Internet, microphone &
loudspeakers, TV.
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Three kinds of discordant communication and
my way of coping
Hebrew Stories about Grandma's
Growing with Mika
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I was a bit hurt by Arnon's letter,
but I hope I coped with it well and my response will not cause
feelings of guilt or anger.
The situation with Gabriele is different. Her harsh sentences
even didn't hurt me. We are not dependent on each other.
As to Arnon's sudden boredom, see the fear I expressed on
Febr. 11.concerning the day when Mika will become bored,
This is my edition of Gabriele's
letter [July 6].
I already responded (see today's "Intention"), but
shall wait for some time until I'll send it off.
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Dear
Rachel,
Let me just say that your mail
does not strike a cord in me,
i don't think i can relate to this.
I don't feel il am doing what i am doing out of guilt feeling,
self denial
and all the things which you constantly presuppose in me and
everybody else.
It puzzles me why you have to jump on every self critical sentence
(e.g.the realisation that much of our work is very sporadic)
and point out with something like glee
that "you yourself know that it's all no use".
On the contrary, i feel it is astonishing
how many things have worked out over the years
and how things grow
without we ourselves having to do all the tending of what has
been sown.
I have no disagreement that we
have to work on ourselves
and that self acceptance is important, yes, healing ourselves
and all that.
But i truly do not believe that this is a full time job
for which we need to cut ourselves off from most other people
and retreat from all activity.
I can't help feeling
that it will give you some sense of satisfaction
to hear
that i have fallen very ill
during my last travel for the bi-annual conference of NAPM in
UP.
I came back on 12th June
and have been quite flat ever since with a severe chest infection
and diarhea,
a very bad combination of things.
I am now crawling back to normal and have to go to Bangalore
tomorrow
[Gabriele then goes on telling about her
life, - see right frame - and ends:]
I find it difficult to say all these things
because i know that your country is so enormously insular
and the wider connections which are possible in our country
are of no apparent consequence there.
I also feel everybody there switches off from politics
because it appears so totally unsolvable.
But i can't help feeling that the wider relationships,
as far as they are possible, are very important.
I don't like it when you keep screaming at
me,
it doesn't work with me.
I am aware that all our organisations are in a lot of crisis,
but we will have to work that out as far as we can.
Love and solidarity, Gabriele
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[Gabriele
keeps telling about her life, as if this could really interest
me
as long as there is no more any common ground between the two
of us.]
I am now crawling back to normal and have to go to Bangalore
tomorrow to take the Viva of John Jayakaran, who came with our
group to Israel way back in 1999. That was also the year when
he had just registered for his doctorate, and only now this
is over. He will receive his degree after ten years. Anyway,
it's the first doctorate in Social Analysis, all the others
have been shoved off to Ethics and Theology and all that.
It's also a good thing because it's a thesis on Dalit culture
of overcoming violence, based on field research and also making
the historical connection with Buddhism.So it is in several
ways an important contribution, though we have suffered a lot
over it and also gone through phases of great alienation.
The conference in UP was very
good,
and the place where the Lord Buddha died, in Kushinagar, is
something very extraordinary and very moving.There is a most
astonishing statue of a lying Buddha there, which depending
on the angle in which you look, seems to be smiling or meditating.If
you look from the end of his feet, you see his eyes breaking.It
is unbelievable how the artist has achieved this. One sees it
only if someone explains it and makes you stand in the right
angle.It's not even a temple, just archeological survey of India,
and an old Muslim, a government employee, takes you round and
explains it all. This is our secular common heritage. But now
the wretched government wants to erect 500 Buddha statues in
this area and has acquired 750 acres of agricultural land for
the purpose and the peasants fight to retain their land. The
U.P. government also wants to erect a gigantic statue of Dr.
Ambedkar, the Dalit leader who is the father of the Indian constitution.
I have read the new book by Naomi
Klein: The Shock Doctrine.The Rise of desaster Capitalism. It
gives a good understanding of the world since the first 9/11
in 1973 when the CIA bombed La Moneda, the presidential palace
in Santiago to kill Salvador Allende, and then there were 20
years of fascism under Pinochet.The book shows very clearly
how this was all drawn out in different ways in the collapse
of Eastern Europe and also goes into the co-incidence of the
massacre on Tian an Men Square and the victory of Solidarity
in Poland.It then carries on up to the Iraq war and all the
post tsunami displacements and it ends on a fairly encouraging
note on all the people's movements which are recovering their
wits, because "shock wears off".
Diki, whom you also know from
1999, has now had to return to Aizawl after four years of doctoral
studies.They could have easily given her another four months
extension to finish her thesis, but these institutions love
to put their foot down, so they wistled her home and she will
have to cope with her college work as well as a major family
problem, because her brother is on drugs and his wife has run
off, but she also drinks and Diki is landed up with her nephew.
Adlin, my last doctoral student,
is also back into college. She too has not been able to finish
her research.I also have a very nice girl from Myanmar who does
her Mth.It is unbelievable how such people have to struggle
to get a grip on their society, there is no information available.
People get completely uprooted and desoriented. Myanmar is one
of the most absurd forms of militarised state capitalism , next
to China, which takes the cake and tries to overrun the whole
region. It is really enlightening to have travelled in this
region, because without that we can't even understand what is
hitting us. |
Mika:
I watched her lying in her bed , still asleep,
tall as if she were the age of Ayelet
- and in general looking just like her.
The flash may have woken her up, for in the next moment her body curled
and rose and Mika's day began.
The day with her mother, not really with me, though I stayed "around"
all the time.
At 16:30 a Skype call from New York, from her
pilot father.
"Before I go to sleep, I wanted to wish
you strength for this difficult evening.
I couldn't reach Efrat at the office,but tell her, that I'm sending
"energy" to alleviate her stress."
On one such "dead-line-evening" of Efrat's
newspaper , I experienced her unbearable tension
and succumbed to being triggered.
Maybe this is a good time to quote the letter, through which I coped
with the situation,
a letter, that was never sent and which from the present perspective
is a testimony of our growth..
Finetuning to my Present
But when Immanuel added: "and
may you have an easy time with Mika!"
I fell into a trap by saying:
"Yes, I hope so, I'm a little apprehensive!"
This was yet another trigger for my
son,
to bring up his version of the tiny incident on Shabbat.
My version:
the family arrived and entered my veranda.
Mika hardly gave me a glance, which was alright for me.
But then she said: "Pipi",
and both her parents said:
"Go with Savta, she'll show you
the toilet."
Mika looked away, didn't want to,
and that's where I said, what triggered Immanuel:
"She has a problem with me."
Immanuel today insisted three times
that I used the word "qetta",
which indicates that two people
have an emotional incident between them.
He reproached me harshly, - then in
real time, and now again on Skype,
that I was making this too much of an issue,
that Mika was tired after all,
and that my attitude might even reinforce Mika's casual rejection
of me.
As much as I'm able to be honest with myself,
I hadn't said that sentence out of ego-pain,
but because I was afraid,
Efrat would get angry at Mika concerning her behavior towards
Grandma.
I actually wanted to say: "Leave her alone for now, don't
force her to go with me!"
But when somebody "invites"
a trigger through me,
my own intention becomes meaningless.
The point is then - am I triggered back? And if so, what is
there to heal?
I thought, I had learnt my lesson already, but the interaction
on Skype
(which in reality took much
less time than analyzing it now...)
proved, that I wasn't done yet.
I said: "You
don't have to take care of my grandma ego-pains and protect
me!"
"In fact, I wasn't concerned about
you , it was Mika whom I wanted to protect!"
I let him and it go with this.
It was through Immanuel , that I learnt, concerning his sister.........
that a mother has no right to share her feelings about her
children and grandchildren.
Children and grandchildren can share whatever they want,
if they trust their mother at all,
but vice versa is against nature.
It's not very clear, what I tried
to express in writing here - for the first time, I think.
It sounds, as if I'm promoting denial,
or it sounds, as if I felt resentment and self-pity.
What is clear, very clear to me,
is the disparity, the inequality between mother and children/grandchildren.
I'll take it as a challenge to find the balance
between sharing and not-sharing
without denying,
and also without playing the super-mother.
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Before we went out , Mika and I, Efrat called
Galli's mother:
"Will you come again to the Sunflower Park?
Mika so much enjoyed the company of Galli and Amit yesterday."
I don't know what Natalie said, but later Efrat claimed to have said
to Mika:
"Mika! Imagine, Galli will come to the
Park PERHAPS".
In any case, nobody should ever say to a child, small or big:
that a beloved person - family or friend - would appear PERHAPS!
Mika took my hands and actually ran the entire way to the Sunflower
Park.
No Galli, leave alone Amit, (Efrat didn't have her mother's phone
number).
It was heart-breaking to see the little girl's disappointment,
though she made no scene, did not whine, did not pester me with questions.
She walked through the many children, parents, lawns, installments,
mumbling quietly: "Galli, come! Galli come!"
But no Galli came, leave alone Amit.
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In addition
to this pain for the soul,
the heat was unbearable.
Since the sun stood low already,
the shades over benches and installments were of no use.
I didn't know how to help Mika except for walking behind her
all the time.
After half an hour she was at least ready to take out our blue
box,
and - since there was nobody to share with - eat the grapes
and pear-pieces alone.
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Then she found
herself an occupation.
Underneath a bench popcorn was dispersed.
She picked it up, as much as one hand could hold,
and carried it to the garbage bin.
It was sad, but it did her good.
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She showed
no interest in the slides and swings etc.
but had the chance to watch a bigger boy race upon this barrel.
She asked me to hold her and pedalled as fast and long as she
could.
It was a big strain for both of us.
When I stepped aside and had already focused the camera,
she suddenly jumped upon the barrel herself.
A click, and I ran towards her to save her from some desaster.
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Now she
had resigned herself to being without her friends.
The barrel-challenge pushed her towards another challenge:
sitting on the "second floor" of a lantern pole,
as she had seen a bigger girl do.
Of course she couldn't climb up herself like that girl,
but with my help she could sit there and be proud.
By now the sun had gone done, the heat had lessened,
and Mika's spirits woke up.
She walked up to the installments on a higher level of the hill,
first placing herself above a "car" and then inside
of it.
By now - after most parents and kids had left -
and the air had became pleasant,
Mika finally awoke to laughing her charming laughter.
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Efrat to her husband: "Please
take a real good picture of me and Mika, for I can't find any photo
in our archive which I really like".
My ego wanted to protest, - but then, why shouldn't there be some
special images of mother-daughter on mother's birthday.
I admired Efrat's method to encourage Tomer
to write up a personal blessing for her.
"Actually I only wanted to see, if he can
write at all, since I haven't seen him writing for years.
I was surprised to discover only one spelling-mistake, and, of course,
I was deeply moved by the content":
"To dear Chiefee:
Good luck to your birthday.
I've known you already for 10 years
[he had checked this with me before and could
hardly believe that he was only 3 3/4 years old,
when he met "Chief", as his father started to call her,
since her name was the same as that of his ex-wife, Tomer's mother:
Ruth]
and I don't regret any year.
You are nice, smiling, funny, beautiful, generous,
and most important: loving and not giving up even when it's difficult.
You are a wonderful mother and I wish the best in the world.
with a gigantic {heart] - Tomer
Tomer with my and his angel Zipi
Tomer's flowers, Immanuel's traditional
cake (from the Rosenzweig family a100 years back) and his specialty
of muffins. |
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Late in the evening Efrat came into my
room, just when I was editing this photo, and she exclaimed:
"Oh what a nice picture!"
-
Luckily she looked at her beautiful self, crowned by my wreath, and
not at her discontent daughter.
This also happened on Efrat's Birthday in Arad,
in the same Khaelmonit Street:
Before the family arrived, Zipi had called
us: "I'm alone
with my mother, could you, please, come over and take Sunny out?"
While Tomer walked the dog, I stayed with Zipi and her mother, whom
her daughter has to remind all the time: "I'm
Zipi!"...
Also on Shabbat: photos from Ofir, from which
I created this composition. I had a short, sweet interaction with
each of the kids, Lior and Amit
 
back to past ~~~~~
forward to future
Intro
to
k.i.s.s.-l o g + all
dates
~ Library of
7 years ~ HOME
~ contact ~
SEARCH
( of Latin characters only!) my
eldest granddaughter's video-gallery
whole&full-filled,
never perfect&complete
Keep It
Simple Sweetheart
K.I.S.S.
- L O G 2
0 0 8
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