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50 days of Moving and E-volving Emotions Manual - 12th day, July 2002
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2013
The FELT days 49, 50, 51, 52 ~ of the next 15 FELT years
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5 y e a r s = 5 4 8 0 days
of g e f u e h l t e - g e f u e l l t e Z e i t "inmitten der Ewigkeit", f e l t - f i l l e d t i m e "amidst eternity" from the beginning of my 76th till the completion of my 90th year [unless I'll die after all] "A dream is our life on Earth ...we measure ...(it) in space & time" -see 2013 songs August Nr. 4- Yes, I, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam, want to measure my life on Earth in space & time! 4 days of feelings will be inserted on each of the 1400 pages [set up between 2001-2008] continuing with M E E M and then following the order of folders and files on my "local site". The feeling chosen from a day is exhibited in max. 7 lines per day since August 28, 2013 On 6 days of the week I learn, but Shabbat is dedicated to my main feeling: grate-full-ness. Since feelings must be vibrated and wombed, each day symbolically closes with a song, To challenge myself like that -while not knowing what will be "staged" in my personal and in the world's drama till 2028 , exhilarates me! |
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Pas de control, Rachel: ma présence suffit, ma présence aimante et divine guerit.
An
avalanche of different feelings all at once: "Spirit" in "ORIGINAL CAUSE, the UNSEEN ROLE of DENIAL p.14-15...... During the time I waited I had so many feelings and thoughts go through Me that I have no particular desire to describe them all now, but I do have a desire to bring forward the feelings that I had in a state of denial then because these feelings still have presence on Earth. I had fear that there really wasn't another being hiding within Me. I had feelings of inadequacy that I couldn't make the Will come out. I had plenty of anger that I did not want to express for fear it would make the Will hide longer. I had guilt that I had these feelings instead of acceptance for the Will hiding within Me. I had resentment that I had pleaded and She had not responded. I had grief that the Will would not come out and experience with Me. I had fear that She did not love Me now and never had. I had guilt that I did not love Her originally and that She had pain now and would not allow Me to know it. I had guilt that I had pushed on Her, and I had guilt that even now, I could not accept the Will's feelings because I did not like it that She would not come out. What I did accept in Myself then that has relevance now was the realization that I was now thinking of this other being who had originally been so annoying to Me as a Her, and Myself as a Him for reasons I did not understand and which I pondered now. She had impressed Me with a lot of things that I had to realize now. I cannot mention all of them now just as I could not with Myself, but I would like to mention some of the ones that have caused problems all along. She gave Me the feeling I could not live without Her anymore. I had rejection for this because I did not like the feeling of being dependent on another being. I also had a feeling that She could not live without Me, but I ignored it because I still had independence in mind. She gave Me a feeling I could not move without Her anymore, and She gave Me the feeling that I could not feel without Her. She communicated with Me by giving Me feelings and let Me know that She had to experience something coming into Her in order to respond with the feelings She gave Me. If she gave Me feelings in response to what I gave Her, then I felt that She must have experienced pleasure when I did. I felt annoyed and somewhat vulnerable if this was how it was going to be, because She had given Me a lot of feelings I did not like. If I had caused these feelings, I did not know how I had done so. I felt that I could not know how I was going to feel in any given experience until I was having it. I had resentment and gratitude that I had a partner, and I did not know how to balance the two feelings. Since I did not feel good about Myself when I felt resentment, I decided not to allow Myself to feel that anymore. I decided to be grateful that I was not alone. My resentment went into a state of denial and caused many problems that I am just now being able to solve. |
Savoring
everything in Past and Present Rainer Maria Rilke in a letter on Nov. 26, 1915 ... oft ist mir jetzt zu Mut, als sollte alles frueher Erlebte noch vollkommener in einem ausgelebt sein, als haette man , in der Ungeduld zum Naechsten und Uebernachsten oder in der Habgier nach sich selbst doch nie so ganz ausgenutzt und, indem man nahm, immer noch das Meiste in der Schale gelassen.. ...welche Flut von Er-innerung ("hafnamah"!) ; die Dinge, auf die frueher keine Betonung fiel, kommen jetzt in einem zu sich... damals vergass ich diesen Augenblick, er war in keiner Weise bestimmend fuer den ganzen Tag... je mehr ich sie in der ERINNERUNG und im aufmerksamen Nachgefuehl erwaege, desto mehr scheinen mir diese im hiesigen Sinn inhaltslosen Erlebnisse in eine hoehere EREIGNIS-EINHEIT zu gehoeren. Aber was bin ich fuer ein Anfaenger in ihnen. denn was muesste aus einer einzigen solchen Erfahrung fuer endgueltige Lebensverwandlung hervorgehen koennen. Similar : Josef Wittig about his friend Wendler (see original pages) ....Mannshoch waechst das Gras und hoeher noch das Schilf und die Luft ist durchschwirrt von Voegeln und Insekten Wendler war ganz ausser sich vor Beobachtung und Entzuecken. "Alles Leben, alles Leben, Leben in allen Gestalten!" rief er und die Menschen wundern sich, dass soviele unnoetige und unnuetze Pflanzen und Tiere geschaffen worden sind. Sie kennen das Leben nicht. Das Leben braucht jedwede moegliche Gestalt, um sich zu offenbaren." So Wendler auf der Wanderung. Ich weiss nicht wie mir war, Mein Leben schien mir auf einmal verdreifacht, vertausendfach und hatte gar keinen Platz mehr in meiner schmaechtigen Gymnasiastengestalt. Und jedes vermehrte Leben ist Glueck. Denn Gluecklichsein heisst doch gar nichts andres als eines neuen, vermehrten Lebens bewusst werden. See a video: Ignite your childlike way of wonder But on the morning of Oct. 18, the book the turn of which it was to be grabbed from the shelf, I read a poem by Manfred Hausmann that praises the opposite: OKTOBERLICH Die weiten Wiesen schweigen im Duft von Gold und Grau. Aus den geneigten Zweigen der Pappel ueberm Stau loest sich im Niederschweben ein Blatt und wehrt sich nicht. Der Tiefe hingegeben sinkt es durchs Nebellicht. O Augenblick, da alles zur bangsten Suesse reift! O Anbeginn des Falles, da es den Tod begreift! Es faellt, und unermessen, ist, was es nun, anstatt der Fuelle, im Vergessen fuer Seligkeiten hat. |
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Towards October , 26, 2013 -
a sequence of images of how I broke my routine
by a spontaneous hike to "my" Salt-Sea
and Noah's Cave
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second page
third page
fourth page
fifth page
sixth page
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Since
walking has become so difficult because of my degenerated hip-joint, I only climbed down and up the "Wadi of Compassion" in order to water my Grave of Grace, and on the other side - overcoming my shame - waited - at the bus-station - for someone to take me (since there are no busses on Shabbat, what discrimination of people without car...). After 10 min. a silent man took me to the exit of Arad in the direction of the Salt Sea. In the past I never waited, until a car would stop. I hate, hate, hate waiting. And I enjoyed the landscape while walking. My rationalization was: If drivers see me walking, they feel: "Ah since she is making an effort by herself, I'll help her with the rest." After 15 min. - from among the endless chain of cars - a couple stopped. They, too, were silent, even among each other. I tried to identify their ethnic background by listening to their music. Finally I grasped: the singing was in Dutch. |
They,
of course, drove to the hotels, that's why I asked them to let me off at this junction. Later I regretted this a bit: If I would not have had the crazy idea - to travel to my Cave- I could have just gone with them to that public beach, which I tried in July once a week, coming and going by bus on Tuesdays, in order to perhaps heal my joint. Yes, I waited and waited and waited, and waited and waited, and waited, perhaps longer than an hour, something that - at least in Israel - in 50 years never happened to me. For some time I even counted the cars. Most of them were turning to the hotels, but many also came my way. I admit, most cars were full, it was Shabbat, after all, and I even liked it, that so many families went out - or more exact - drove out for a holiday. |
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I
had not taken anything with me except for shorts and a blouse for bathing in the Dead Sea, should I ever reach Noah's Shore, some gifts of food, water and - for a change - my camera. No cellphone, no digital recorder, no sun-cream and - what I would regret later - nothing against impertinent flies. In the last minute I took a hat, and this proved to be fortunate, while I waited there in the sun for more than an hour. The treasure of the camera incited me to take a look to all sides: west, south, north-east towards the hotels. And then they came: a car and in it 3 young people: Eliran, Yael and Dana, stopping, greating me, as if they knew me. "But we'll turn off the road already at the northern end of the hotels." Well, the "click" with Eliran was such, that we got into the deepest of talks about my Desert Hosting Economy Vision. They wanted to come with me to Noah's Cave, but since people were awaiting them in the hotels, they "only" brought me some 20 km further north. |
Here at the junction to
Massada I parted from them- giving Eliran my phone-number... |
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Expecting
that I would again have to wait for a long time - I started to photograph again, and started with the vast shore, laid waste by the sinking Sea. But no ! the reason for the waiting had been Eliran and the 2 girls, and from now on I would be picked up quickly as I was used to in the past. [About 2 years a go I was given a sign, that I should no longer hitchhike, at least not, when there were other , even less comfortable possibilities.] I didn't wait longer than 5 min. when a Russian couple picked me up, and on their way to Jerusalem let me off above my Cave. I had intended to walk along the shore (Eliran: don't glide down that steep path to the cave! I: I listen to you, Eliran, but then, while talking with the driver, I saw us passing already one of the observation points and - mistaking the second - above the Cave - for the first, which is 700 m further South , the couple had to make a U-turn and bring me back. |
There I was, above Noah's Cave! And there was something new: a model of the Salt Sea with points of orientation and an extensive explanation - preceded by a poem of Yehuda Amichai |
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See
the intro-page |
 I also looked to the other, the western side of the road. How often have I photographed this amazing view, when I lived, suffered, rejoiced there in winter 2003-2004 |
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But now I must stop enjoying and facing the gliding down on the steep path,
which has not been maintained since I made it and left it
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Continuation