The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'

pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"



re-edited on July 24, 2013, expanded - on August 22-31, 2013 by the continuation from my "birthday-soul-work"

Beginning of 1 5   y e a r s  = 5 4 8 0   days   of
g e f u e h l t e - g e f u e l l t e   Z e i t   
"inmitten der Ewigkeit",
f e l t - f i l l e d   t i m e  "amidst Eternity"

My PH.D.-Thesis, 1966-1982, delivered in Hebrew to the Jerusalem University 1972
(i.e. my coping with the holocaust).
Final Hebrew Title 1972: "The  PERCEPTION    of    SUFFERING    and    SOLIDARITY    with the    SUFFERERS
in the Thought of the Jewish Sages from the time of the second Commonwealth till the End of the Talmudic Era"
(i.e. in Bible, Apocryphes, Qumran, New Testament, Talmud, Midrash)

Title of the German Book 1978    (Rachel Rosenzweig)
Solidaritaet mit den Leidenden im Judentum
"Solidarity with the Sufferers in Judaism"

Title of the Hebrew Book 1982 (Rachel Bat-Adam)
"kol yisrael 'arevim zeh la-zeh"
"All Israel are Guarantors For Each Other"

See the overview of "MY BOOK" in the context of "MY LIFE's HARVEST"

"All Israel are Guarantors for Each Other"
Maryam, alias Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam, married Rachel Rosenzweig, born Eva-Maria-Christa Guth

Etrog, Myrtle, Date, and Willow
-- these are Israel!
Knowing and doing do exist or do not
-- these are Israel!
They shall make one union - Israel!
They will atone for each other -Israel!
An ancient psalm was given to the nation!
A redeeming psalm also for the World!
Without leaves- there won't be grapes!

The Cross: my old belief in struggling!
The Etrog: my rejoicing in fulfillment!

Click and hear my song created in December 2008,
based on the metaphor of "The Four Species,
connected to the Succot-Festival and the motto of my book:

Each is special, UNIQUE , but none is preferable!
Only by integrating, coalescing into ONE UNION
can we LIVE and LOVE in zest and full-fill-ment

and Links to all chapters
Entry Pages, include
a Hebrew Summary
translated to English

Scanned Pages
of the German Book and the Hebrew Book


I marked names and quotations to convey the message:

"Whoever says something in the name of the person who said it,
brings redemption to the world"
[Avot 6,6 & Siddur]
red: Hebrew Bible and New Testament
orange-filled: Qumran, Apocrypha, Talmud&Midrash
green: other names, mainly of modern researchers

On this website each "bundle" [of pages in the paper-books] begins with the overview of all parts of the books.
Titles in blue refer to the content on the page you open.    Titles in grey refer to the rest of the books' titles

Bundle 1 / g10-15 / h28-34
Bundle 2 / g15-19 / h34-38
Bundle 3 / g20-27 / h39-47
Bundle 4
/ g27-30 / h47-49
Bundle 5 / g30-35 / h50-55
Bundle 6 / g35-47 / h55-66
Bundle 7 / g47-53 / h67-72
Bundle  8  / g 53-  56  / h 72- 75
Bundle  9  / g 59 -  65 / h 78- 84
Bundle 10
/ g 65- 68  / h 84- 87
Bundle 11 / g 69- 77  / h 87- 95
Bundle 12
/ g 77- 83 / h 95-101
Bundle 13 / g85- 96 / h105-116
Bundle 14
/g100-110 /h117-127
Bundle15 /g111-120 / h128-138
Bundle 16
/g121-130 / h139-147
Bundle 17/g130-138 / h147-154
Bundle 18/g138-148 / h154-163
Bundle 19
/g148-153 / h163-168
Bundle 20/g155-166 / h171-182
Bundle 21
/g166-176 / h182-191
Bundle 22 /g176-187 / h191-201
Bundle 23 /g189-200 / h203-215
Bundle 24 /g201-210 / h215-225
Bundle 25 /g210-222 / h225-237
Bundle 26 /g226-233 / h240-247
Bundle 27 /g233-245 / h247-259
Bundle 28
/g248-262 / h261-274

bundle 2: German p.15-19 / Hebrew p. 34-38

F I R S T      P A R T
In German:T H E   S U F F E R E R S
In Hebrew:
First Chapter
In German: Solidarity with Suffering Humankind
In Hebrew: The Consciousness of Suffering common to all humans
1. Qohelet/Ecclesiastes
2. Paulus
3. Ezra the Seer

4. Israel's Sages
5. Rabbi Shmu'el bar Nakhmani

Second Chapter : In German: The Suffering Nation In Hebrew: The Consciousness of Israel's Suffering
Third Chapter
: In German: The conduct towards the suffering fellow In Hebrew: The Consciousness of the fellow's suffering

SECOND     P A R T :


THIRD     P A R T :







July 24, 2013: See what is said about the people of the Land of Pan in Right Use of Will:
"Some Spirits began taking this freedom and this abundance for granted. They received without feeling gratitude......."






Summaries of the first chapter:
in German and in Hebrew

and Links to all chapters
Entry Pages, include
a Hebrew Summary
translated to English






 From this day, July 11, 2013 onward - - - - till August 27
- before and after my 75th birthday on August 15, 2013
I was being jolted into re-understanding my vocation:
All my former goals since the ages of 7, 13, 27, 50, 67,
were meant to create training-grounds for becoming:

a   pioneer   of    Evolution    in    learning-how-to-feel.

It is fitting, that I could squirm myself towards this understanding not in a linear way.
And so now - on Yom-Kippur 2013 - on the 17th FELT day of the next 15 FELT years,
  I want to collect, harvest and savor the fruits as they ripened - as - insights-in-stages,
just like the fruits of my pomegranate-tree have been ripening since July 11 till now!

This spring-flower (kova' nazir/monk's cress) photographed by me in 2003, decided to blossom (in a planter) now, in Arad, in August-Sept. 2013!!!

I continue my "soul-search" after my 75th birthday,
concerning my understanding that my vocation is:
to become a pioneer of Evolution in learning to feel

While exploring this not yet familiar aspect
of the ancient issue of "being judged"....

I read - and judged - on August 21:
in "One World - Puja Network, Voices for Change and Transformation"

"....I was especially moved by Abe. ... Abe is one of the most caring and kind men that I've met in a very long time. I think he stood out the most for me was because of something he taught me.

"To paint the full picture of Abe I have to describe him a bit. Abe is built like a linebacker for the 49ers [see what she means!] . He is BIG. He's also an Arab originally from Egypt, living in Chicago. He has a serious scowl when he chooses, and a smile that lights up the room too. In Gary's radio show, the topic of judgment came up. Later in class Abe talked about the amount of judgment that he experiences every day. He talked honestly about the fact that everywhere he goes people project their beliefs about all Arabs onto him before he's even spoken a single word.

"Now, we all receive judgment. Our friends and family and co-workers judge us all the time. They judge the clothes we wear, our hairstyle, whether we are fat or thin, or are poor or rich. It's just something people choose to do."
[For this stupid claim I'm now judging you,
Cynthia Torp Director, The One World Puja Network!
People don't "just choose" to judge.
Judging others helps them to alleviate the pain
that they themselves feel when they are judged!]

"But when I got the level of judgment that is directed at Abe everyday I was in awe of him. I'm not in awe because he's figured out how to ignore it [to ignore? to deny?] ,
I'm in awe because he is willing to learn how to be in allowance
[is that all we can do: to be in allowance?]

"for the insanity that this judgment is
[it's not helpful to judge judgment as "insane" -
what would be helpful, dear co-worker Cynthia,
would be to go to the roots of "judging"
and feel and vibrate and womb all we feel
and then understand,
what we have to do about it, be it as judgers or be it as being judged!!)
- "and for himself. He knows that it has nothing to do with the kind, caring, gentle man he is.
[Of course it has nothing to do with him personally,
"all Israel, all Arabs, all Americans, all people are guarantors for each other" - that's what my double book is about, isn't it?]
"And some days
["and some days"? meaning: he doesn't "ignore" all the time?
meaning, the pain inside accumulates until it explodes? ]
he gets furious about it being the target of all of the judgment.

"In the middle of class, I caught myself thinking, "He doesn't deserve this!" Then I realized that no one does.
[I judge you, Cynthia, again! What a banale "realization".
You, with all your declared spirituality could do better!
I say it again, from potential coworkers like you I expect
that you see the fact, that we all judge and that we are all judged,
even if not all of us are judged for belonging to a certain human group,
like Abe, the Arab, or "that Negro", or "that Jew" , or "that Ethopian",
as being one of the horrid results of our unevolved capacity to feel!]

"In Gary's show, there were seven people from all over the world who talked about overcoming the limitations of their culture. At one point they talked about judgment being irrelevant.
["irrelevant" ???????? now I become cynical, Cynthia!
Maybe you, too, can "ignore" when you are judged.
But can you ignore, how other people feel, when they are judged?
And how their pain makes them act out against their environment,
or even against the world at large
"And after watching what these seven people shared about what is possible beyond their culture and their religion, I felt for the first time that this world may finally learn how to live together in peace and learn how to contribute to each other in a way that has never been possible before.
[blah-blah-blah, Cynthia!!!

Of course, if I would give up my belief,
that you are my co-worker and are expected to really, really see
why people do not live "in peace"
and do not "contribute to each other in a way" we all desire,
I would "womb" you instead of judging you.
But I do not yet know,
how I can womb a human, who voices "thoughts", that do not feel right,
especially since no dialogue in each other's body-presence is possible.

Another reason for allowing myself to judge you, is "God's" statement:
"There is still much to learn in the world of duality and projection, however...". in this case from our opposing "approaches" to judging,
or more exact from my aware approach and your - I judge! - unaware approach]

Later today (Aug.23):
I went to the pool and hated to see the jacuzzi intended for six people,
filled with five men, "elderly" men, " of course", [I'm judging...]
one listening, one talking only once, with a Russian accent,
the other three busying themselves(I'm judging) with judging ,
judging the local major, a woman,
judging "the Blacks" of Arad, "the Russians", judging in all directions.

It then occurred to me, not for the first time,
that one purpose of judging is the need to pass the time,
i.e. boredom, i.e. lack of zest and full-fill-ment,
and to do this mainly when interaction with other people runs dry,
"nobody knows what to say", I feel embarrassed, and so feel the others,
so someone - often unawarely - initiates talking about other people,
which soon turns into judging.

A link for Mika

I told about Rivka Michaeli's parody about Old Age,
adapted to "My favorite things' of "Sounds of Music"
in 2013 Songs, August, other authors.

Immanuel's short answer the next day:
I won't discuss
the boundary

Michael ben Admon's book about religious Kibbutzim


"I want you to feel everything,
every little thing."

Another "goldmine is offered in what I feel":
Feeling judged and feeling fear of being judged!

August 20, 2013
I feel judged by my children more and more,
even the fact that they saw me treading barefoot on hot asphalt,
was interpreted by them as "you totally neglect your body".
On the other hand, I was telling them the "unnecessary" fact,
that I carried 8 liters of water to the "Grave of Grace", s. below,
[behind this stupid "sharing" was some grief, that they - especially Mika -
did not come with me to visit the Grave and see my creation in the desert,
"because it's too hot outside",
and probably also 2 other feelings some anger, even a bit of contempt,
that they becried "the heat", while I walk through the Wadi every day!]

which made them cynical by comparing it with the relief I felt,
[again - I discern the feelings which made me "share" this, but I'll skip them here]
when Micha and Ra'ayah brought me some asked-for food-products,
"and thus spared me the effort to go to town more than twice a month!"
(it's mostly only once a month, because I get enough food and products,
to juggle - with my acrobatic consumer talents - throughout a month).

Being or feeling judged is a test to my ability to feel! Perhaps the real test?
Should I invest such enormous effort
to avoid the danger of being judged?
Or should I - on the contrary -
see "goldmines" in the pain of being judged?

This week there was an "assignment" in "Big Brother":
participants were "called to court" because of "accusations" by the public.
Most of the "accusations" had to do with "lack of honesty",
which was - as a theme of fine-tuning - interesting in itself.
But my point here is, that I felt deep into the feelings of the participants
when they not only imagined, but were faced with it blatantly-
how they are judged by hundred of thousands of other Israelis.

I don't deny it: I, too, feel pained by the judging of my children.
The usual defense-mechanism that people try to (try to!) adopt:
"I don't care about what other people say, or even my familly"
is just a farce.
My task is to learn to feel what we feel if judged
or - what we feel if we imagine and project of being judged.
The fact, that people are hiding their uniqueness and greatness,
e.g. my being "such a strange child", "girl", "woman", "old hag",
does it not come from the fear of being judged?

August 22, 2013
"Are you judging?
Are you judging me, Children?
Are you judging me, Children?
Are you judging me for what I did to you unawarely
judging me for what I let happen to you in my denials
[this has grown into one of the: 2013 songs: August Nr.6]
judging me even for not caring responsibly for myself in old age

Back to my 75th birthday:
The more I think of the feelings that were seething underneath ,
the more  kinds of feelings I discover, not only in myself, but also:
the feelings of each of my actors and actresses during those hours,
may they have been conscious of them or not, admitted or denied.

It's hard to not judge myself for a fact, which I see only now:
because of the pressure and tension in me - projected around me
I did not heed my slogan concerning any interaction with others:
"Keep it simple whatever you say,
just a tune that may remind them
is what you should play!"

This means, that when someone utters a thought or a feeling,
and even more so if someone voices an objections to what I say,
I want to focus on his/her saying and downplay/forget my own.
But my tension caused me to fiercely override- for instance,
Ra'ayahs surprise about having spelled out YHWH in that canon
on the page, which would make learning easier,
I wrote the Hebrew line as printed in the Bible, see Ps. 119:126 in 2013 Songs, June Nr.2

or to feel powerless [no time, suspecting "no patience" from the others]
to respond for instance, to what Efrat commented on "rational feelings",
[see the book of Eyal Winter and several videos]
I do not want to argue, and I definitely do not want to ignore somebody,
I want to just "play a tune that will remind them" of their own greatness.

"I want you to feel everything,
every little thing."

Still on August 22, 2013
I feel, that all the "little things", all the little feelings I exposed here,
are not yet the biggest "resolution" of FEELing that has to be reached.
"The nitty gritty" is the feeling "in between" situations,
especially in between the needs of everyday functioning,
like when I have to get up at night and drag myself to the loo,
even if the needs in my case are as sublime and minimal as possible,
as long as I can take care of myself, with not help in my household,
leave alone someone who must tend to my body needs.[FEELings!]

So far I said, that the dread of being judged,
[see 2013 Songs, August Nr. 3 I am a tree and old]]
prevents a human from seeing his/her uniqueness,
i.e., the fear of being judged leads to denial of self
and how this happens ever so often even with me.
I see it even in such a small thing as the memory
of having attached 2 songs of mine to my letter to Elah:
[see 2013 Songs, April Nr.3-I love my life, and August Nr.4-Quantum-leap]
I am so ashamed of what I suspect/project as her judging me:
"Oh my crazy grandmother! Can't you keep this to yourself?".

But today, suddenly, I see something beneficial in this fear,
for if not for this fear of being judged for what I say or do,
people would be exposed to what I call my 20000 Voltage,
and to all I have to say or teach which overwhelms them.
This would distract them - to say the least -
from ever being touched, enriched by anything I am or say.
They would escape into defending themselves or blaming me.
I would not be true to my desire:
"Keep it simple whatever you say,
just a tune, that will remind them, is what you should play."

Is this, too, "the delicate dance between creating and surrendering",
in which Moses failed, when he hit the rock instead of talking to it?
(Bible Numery 27, see my research)

Now, on August 23, 2013, 13:30
I'm finally sending my response to the letter from Immanuel,
which caused me to enter this neglected issue of
Another "goldmine is offered" :
Feeling judged and feeling fear of being judged!

I see my trembling with fear, how they will receive the letter!

Still on August 23, 2013 19:40 Eve of Shabbat
The last hour - while doing all kinds of things in household and garden-
was dark with a feeling, I could not define, though I watched carefully.
Now I see that I   f o r g o t   to vibrate, to breathe, move, sound it
- how can I forget what is good for my feeling, good for me????????
Finally - in between the moving shadows I discovered a kind of grief!
Can I believe it? Grief, that tomorrow the children will NOT come~~
Last Friday, there was expectation, yes, but more than that: fear.
And now grief????? Do I understand the tiniest things about feelings?

August 24, 2013 , 18:30 Towards the exit of Shabbat!

Thanks for responding to a quest, which I didn't even voice!
One of those 7 actors who came last Shabbat, suddenly came again:
The reason (not the pretext): Micha wanted to "clean your flat",
with his gift, the vacuum-cleaner, which has reached him this week.
He also brought, what Ra'ayah had quickly accomplished:
a new very pretty cover of the old cushion on the veranda,
which a cat had overused last winter.

August 24, 2013

The Grave of Grace

12 years ago I pinned down what I understood from "God's" recurrent advice:
"Release judgments!"
I can see myself as having advanced only a little in "releasing judgments" ,
be they against others or be they against myself.
be they against things I say or be they against things I feel,
leave alone about what I did or did not prevent - in the past.

What is there always?

Khaemlah - Compassion
for myself, for others.
I recall a strange game with three consonants in Hebrew.
3 consonants , that - when turned around in different ways -
form 4 different roots, from which in turn derive many words:

Compassion towards myself heals fighting
- the fighting against myself = disease
-the fighting against my other - war
that is the dream of the sailor on the SaltSea

actually "makhalah"- disease comes from the root kh-l-h,
but I allow myself to include it in the game,
the more so, as there actually is a root "m-kh-l"
which is not far from this game, it means "forgive"!

for the Salt-Sea is - as I understand it - the Sea of all the tears that have not been cried.
If denial stops, tears flow, and the Salt-Sea will become sweet as prophesied by Ezekiel,
as symbolized in my "spring of the rocks", the gift I asked from I.~E. for my birthday.

 The grave of Grace pointing towards my neighborhood "Shaqed" -
left: on August 19, 2013 ~~~~ right: on November 13, 2013,
when my present adversary [Yakob from Zim-Buildings] screamed,
                           " how do you dare to plant on private property! "

North: Beyond the Grave of Grace - the Wadi of Compassion, to its left the outskirts of another neighborhood, and beyond : the Judaean Mountains
It must have been a year or so, that I have not photographed anything - except some documents. But on Aug. 19 I did take these photos!

A few days later I came across the (channeled) advice to
"create a biosphere
even in your own home however small that is.
This is a "sphere" of energy that is devoted to your relationship with plants, animals and minerals
." see growing trees and plants simply as food or resources.
But, these Living Beings were created to experience Joy and to bring you Joy in Sacred partnerships."
[see in : "how to hold aloneness in balance with fullness" - the quote on 2010-03-19, with links about other biospheres I've created]

The Grave of Grace on Nov. 13, 2013


August 25, 2013
"Shake with the dread of being judged"

[See 2013 Songs, August Nr.3, I am a tree and old]
How much effort did I exert since my childhood in order to not being looked at as "komisch", i.e. weird.
So how can a person become him/herself , if there is such great fear of being judged as "komisch"?
How much effort did I invest even during that birthday-gathering in order to look "normal", not weird?
Isn't this the root of so much denial, denial of our uniqueness, and therefore denial of our greatness?
I felt into this, when I, as every morning, cut off some overgrown plants,
the kind of which have little problems with growing roots elsewhere,
provided they are planted in fertile - not desert - soil and receive water on a regular basis,
and then with a bundle of such plants I passed by my neighbor Shalom's house,
imagining that he one day would ask me,
what I was doing with these bundles day after day.
And when I would tell him about my "Grave of Grace"
(a grave from which "Compassion" must be resurrected by Feeling ),
he would think or even say: "how weird you are!"

It was then, that I understood much more correctly and exactly
why the Bedouin in the Zealot's Valley- as a transparent model of humankind - would kill the family,
with which I had been working from July 2004 till January 29, 2006 (breakdown of hip-joint!)
if they would have succeeded in becoming what I wanted them to become
Pioneers of Mobile Desert Hosting Businesses,
acknowledged even by the Israeli Government which has an interest not to let Bedouins own land.
They would kill them for daring to move out of the box, to become unique, to do the extraordinory!
And why this?
because everyone was trained since early childhood to deny anything that was unique in him/her.
The dread of being judged is turned into judging, yes persecuting others
who seem to not succumb to the judgments.
So how did I imagine, that I could "empower" people
and invested superhuman efforts in doing so - again and again and again and again?
How pathetic, that for so many decades I did not grasp, what made people dis-empowered,
what "blocked the holes of the harmonica"????
And if Dov Yanai, or my daughter for that matter
are dedicating their lives to empowering people via their work and career,
shouldn't they first help people to redeem their denials?
and to do this by first, first, first ----learning to feel?

See what I wrote in April 2013 -
quoted also in my work about my vocation towards my 75th birthday

"...And it is the task of me - and hopefully millions of others - to redeem Lost Will,
so that not 1-3 of the 10 holes of the harmonica will sound,
but all ten, which are so far blocked , cemented by Lost Will ,
i.e. denied feelings, despised qualities, overridden needs and dwarfed greatness.
See the 2013 song
[April Nr. 3] "I love my life",
which I completed creating and learning today . "


A list of my songs, which help me to become a pioneer of Evolution in learning to feel
[will never be completed]

Vibrating~Wombing~Feeling Songs

Pressure, fear, my feeling

Ha-ma'amin lo yakhish/ha-ma'amitz lo yakkhish
[2013 Songs January Nr.2)

Excerpts from feeling-songs,

+ akhush ve-akhug kol tnu'ah be-rigshi
    I sense and embrace every movement in my feeling
     ... in every day moments as in stormy emotions
     and even when my heart feels gray ....
    ....kein Gefuehl ist das fernste, no feeling is the farest.

+ Freude, Freude
Heal your feeling, feel your healing
   into joy-full grate-full-ness
   Feel full-fill-ment, heal full-fill-ment
   joy-full, grate-full, grate-full-filled
   zest-full, grate-full, grate-full-filled
    feel, feel, heal, heal into joy-full grate-full-ness

+ ani noshemet tzil, tzaeva, tzura be-khol rigshi, eli

+ Ich sing dir mein Lied,
  ...Im Spueren, im Fuehlen, im Schaffen, Erkennen,
   liegt beides, ERregung, Erfuellung zugleich

+ feel full-filled by whatever you feel (2012 songs Nr. 4)

+ I would like to be a bird....
   and feel and sing and dance like elves

+ gam shi'amum hu skhinah.... every feeling is valid

+ Leben heisst/ life means ....argish, arkhom kol asher karah






Not a song, but the first lines which I spoke on the recorder
for Mika's 7th birthday on Dec. 20, 2012
The recorder was my gift,
so that she could cry and scream her pains and shames and fears,
if she didn't want to ask for support from anyone;

August 26-26, 2013

I want to sound you,
my Feelings,
and to embrace everyone of you

be you kicking
or uplifting
you are GOD

It's you, feelings, that full-fill
through awareness you full-fill

You grant experience

-through exploration
comes evolution-

but now please guide me
to take right choices
of circumstances-
that's how I AM
the master of my destiny

My understanding
tow'rds manifesting
zest and full-fill-ment
demands experience

Body vibrates
whatever I feel

Say Thank-you
for all your feelings

Sigh, yawn or mumble
cry, scream or rumble
shriek, hiss or grumble
moan, howl or tremble
whine, wail
and laugh
and sing
t z a h a l i   q o l e k h
q o l e k h  ,   b a t - g a l i m
h a q s h i v i

This 2013 song , March Nr. 4 "says it all", see context
-modifications: Sept.2013



Excerpts from Feeling-Songs, created 2013

+ I love my life as it is now
[2013 songs April Nr. 3]

+ Ich spuere, fuehle, weine schrei (2013 songs July Nr. 2)

Quantum Leap [on my 75th birthday] (2013 songs July Nr. 2)


Healing Judgments
My lyrics to a song in Arabic,
which I heard at the end of a program on TV
The trills with which oriental music is embellished,
are important in this song,
though I myself have a hard time vocalizing trills.

Are you judging?
Are you judging me, Children?
Are you judging?
Are you judging me, Children?
Judging me for what I've done to you,
and for what I've let happen to you?

|: I was not aware, not aware,
denying what I felt,
nor aware of what you-you felt! :|

Let us now heal all denial,
me and you,
vibrate and womb,
and find goldmines in it!
Let us find goldmines in it!

[inserted also in 2013 Songs, August Nr. 5]


After having expressed all kinds of "kicking" feelings since my birthday on Aug.15,
I feel inspired - on this day, Aug. 27, 2013 - to voice some "uplifting" feelings:

I sent an SMS:
"Yishar koakh"
to Mika towards the new school-year.
Then I saw, that Elah (26), too, was excited
"My little sister enters third grade!!!
How come??? she was born just a minute ago!
Third grade, what, what ?"

[At that moment I received a prettily stamped package:
"Gefuehlte Zeit" by Marc Wittmann]
Thanks to Rabbi Shai Peron,
our new "out of the box" Minister of Education,
the new school-year starts today

and not as usual on Sept. 1, which in this year would mean:
already 4 days later - holiday - the Eve of Rosh-Hashanah.

Uplifting feelings:
What I want to express is my exhilaration about Shai Peron.
Second on the list of Ya'ir Lapid's "Yesh Atid",

there is a future,
the party, which my children voted for,
he makes my heart jump a bit, every time he appears on TV,
[though in the beginning his obesity triggered me...].

An interview in Channel 2 last night:
not only does his approach
to what has to radically change
in the outdated system of Education
fit what I've said for 50 years.
[Aug.30: Ra'ayah posted the fantastic speech of a boy..
"We will not let exam results decide our fate!".]
It's the fact, that even the Prime-minister opposes him,
which Peron interprets with great joy :
"it means,
that while in Egypt and Syria
terrible fighting is going on,
we, in Israel, have succeeded
in pushing "Education" into center stage!"

During my "Partnership" work I used to say:
"Look at the preferences of this State:
the entire annual budget of the Ministry of Education
amounts to the cost of Israel's F16 war-planes!"

This disproportion may not yet have changed,
and it's not the "reform" in education,
which Peron promises, that uplifts me.
It is the "partnership-way" of dealing with his adversaries,
and which I could watch in that interview,
which gives me hope, that something is changing!

[See a crumb of my dream about "education", p. 38-39 -in my novel
Alt-Neu-Land 2003 (written during one day in Sept. 1993

"Gefuehlte Zeit"
"Felt Time"

it was Barbara,
whom I had asked for this book. I responded
-quoting Elah's sur- prise and added:

"So far the difference of "Gefuehlte Zeit"
between being 26 and not yet 8! The intro of the book, which I read right away, related to it perfectly. In the TV program with Marc Wittmann there was one fact,
to which I payed great attention:
They showed the brain of a child,
and how many experiences are imprinted in it.

"That's why our childhood seems to be so long to us."

Indeed, the first 15 years of our life seem to be so much longer than the time between 25 and 75. Now the next 15 years will be just as intense , I think, because "every day could be the last",
and therefore this, this day, has to be lived to the fullest. What do YOU feel, Barbara?
Thank you very, very, very much for the book! Rachel."

August 28, 2013
I had to let it sink in, this post of Efrat about TIME with Mika!
Years ago, when she kept saying: "I want her to grow up!"
I urged her: "Enjoy every minute of these years with Mika!
When she'll become 9 years old, she'll slip away from you!"

To the 56th birthday of Ra'ayah, my other daughter-in-love,
I sent an SMS: "You've no idea, how loved you are by me!
Go on filling your days as you did as a baby and as a child,
when each day you learnt new things.
khamotekh ha-khamah"
Right after she responded: "todah!!!" I came across a song,
which seems to fit her:
"ve-hayam lo nirga', rak ga'a ve-ga'a"
but in it there is a strange advice, "Empty used-up feelings!". Can feelings be "used-up"? Aren't they always spontaneous?
When I woke up, I remembered my letter to Barbara.
An idea jumped on me: to create a diary for the next 15 years:
"Gefuehlte Zeit-Gefuellte Zeit" - "Felt Time-Filled Time"
see below


Learning to feel, i.e.not only learning to savor the moment - or a so-called "enjoyable" situation -
but to savor any feeling, be it "unpleasant" or "pleasant", or in my terms: "kicking" or "uplifting".
The chasing after "excitement"
[rigush] - and if not in life- then in drugs - does not full-fill us on the long range!
Those moments are too few to fill a life;
moreover - often "excitement" screams for greater "excitement".
But learning to savor   this,   this   feeling,  this   smallest feeling, be it "kicking" or be it "uplifting",
may it come up in my present
("oh why is my belly so fat") or from my past ("oh why must I be reminded of that!" ),
produces "the intensity~~the vitality of experience", for which I yearn, be it awarely or unawarely!

The reason that this intensity of experiencing, this savoring of living
seems to be possible only in rare moments,

is, that so many "holes of the harmonica" are blocked by Lost Will:
denied feelings, despised qualities, overridden needs, dwarfed greatness.

Even if you agree, that feeling has to be learnt~trained, just like thinking, just like 'bodying',
-you will not come far, if you neglect to recover your Lost Will, i.e. to vibrate and to womb it,
and to find goldmines in what has been denied, overridden, shoved into the dirt for so long.


August 28-September 4, 2013
I hoped to learn more from this book than I did.
But I am grate-full for what I  did  find relevant.

Marc Wittmann, Gefuehlte Zeit, Kleine Psychologie des Zeitempfindens

An excerpt
which may serve as a promo to what else I found worthwhile to quote from this book

p. 63-65 Die besten Augenblicke des Lebens

Der haeufig artikulierte Wunsch nach einem "bewussteren Leben" resultiert sicherlich aus dem wahrgenommenen Unvermoegen, den Moment zu geniessen. Verbunden mit dem Gedanken, nicht wirklich im Jetzt zu leben, ist das Gefuehl der mangelnden Intensitaet von Erfahrung. Man spuert , dass das Leben an einem vorbeizieht, ohne dass man wesentlich lebt. Die Erfahrungen kommen und gehen und es fehlt ihnen an Bedeutung. Oft freut man sich auf ein besonderes Ereignis, fuehlt aber hinterher, wie es an einem vorbeigezogen ist, ohne dass man emotional recht involviert war. {You see, there is no full-fill-ment without feeling, - but what an intellectual expression: "emotionally involved"...} Die Momente wurden nicht so bewusst wahrgenommen, wie man es sich erhoffte. Es mangelte an Intensitaet im Erleben. Die Klage kommt manchmal zu spaet: Wenn ich die gemeinsame Zeit mit dem geliebten Menschen doch bewusster erlebt haette (das meint intensiver, den Moment auskostend)! Oftmals macht einem ein Schicksalsschlag erst klar, wie gedanken- und gefuehllos man sein Leben gelebt hat.

"Wenn ich doch nicht sterben muesste! Wenn das Leben zurueckkehren koennte! Welch eine Unendlichkeit! Und alles waere mein! Dann wuerde ich jeden Augenblick in eine Ewigkeit verwandeln, ich wuerde nicht vergeuden, mit jeder Minute geizen und ganz gewiss keine umsonst verstreichen lassen!" [I know no better presentation of this than the short play "Der Tor und der Tod" by Hugo von Hofmannsthal. See in pp19b "Death", what happened to me with the little book just now!]

Fjodor Dostojewskij hat diese Gedanken in seinem Roman "Der Idiot" einem Haeftling in den Mund gelegt, der, vermeintlich zum Tode verurteilt, nur noch wenige Minuten zu leben glaubt. Dostojewskij hatte dies gar am eigenen Leib erfahren, als er, zumTode verurteilt, seine letzten Minuten erlebte, bevor dann die Begnadigung verkuendigt wurde. Er schreibt also aus eigener Erfahrung von den letzten Augenblicken des Lebens, die in "ausserordentlicher Klarheit" abliefen und von einer Achtsamkeit fuer auch unbedeutende Details gepraegt waren. Auch die Zeitwahrnehmung aenderte sich auf besondere Weise. "Er erzaehlte, dass diese fuenf Minuten ihm wie eine unendlich lange Zeit vorgekommen waeren, wie ein unermesslicher Reichtum." Jeder Moment wird intensiv erlebt, Zeit dehnt sich, typische Anzeichen eines aussergewoehnlichen Bewusstseinzustandes. Eine Erfahrung, die man sich - unter anderen Umstaenden - eigentlich wuenschen wuerde. Diese Bewusstseinszustaende treten vor allem unter extremem Belastungszustaenden unter Gefahr auf ("fight or flight"), aber auch waehrend intensiver Gluecksmomente. Das sind Situationen hoechster Erregung oder augenblicklicher Erkenntnis, bei der die Aufmerksamkeit maximal geschaerft ist.

Solche Situationen sind selten und schwer steuerbar. Extremsportler wie Kletterer oder Fallschirmspringer suchen Gefahrensituationen auf, um sich solche Momente der Intensitaet und Zeitdehnung zu erschaffen. Beim Bungee-jumping kann ebenfalls fuer Sekunden ein Koerperzustand ausgeloest werden, der solche Erfahrungen ermoeglicht. Viele Drogen werden deshalb konsumiert, weil sie anstrengungslos eine Gefuehls- und Wahrnehmungs-intensitaet anstossen, die in ihrer Auspraegung gar nicht oder nur annaeherungsweise in ganz wenigen (hoechst aussergewoehnlichen) Situationen des Lebens auftreten. Im gewoehnlichen Alltag, ablaufend zwischen den beiden Polen von Arbeit und Haushalt, ist es hingegen eher anstrengend, sich einer Sache wirklich hinzugeben. Man muss sich konzentrieren und die Aufmerksamkeit halten, ohne von inneren und aeusseren Impulsen abgelenkt zu werden. Auch ist die emotionale Intensitaet nicht vergleichbar mit den aussergewoehnlichen Bewusstseinszustaenden.

In Dostojewskijs Idiot kann der erst zum Tode Verurtielte und dann Begnadigte sein informelles Geluebde, jeden Augenblick auszukosten, wenn er doch nur weiterleben koenne, nicht halten.Trotz seiner "Nahtoderfahrung" - erlebt im intensivsten Wachzustand - hat er spaeter "keineswegs so gelebt und viele, sehr viele Augenblicke vergeudet". Achtsamkeit ist eine Faehigkeit, die gelernt werden muss, nicht unaehnlich dem Klavierspiel oder dem Erlernen einer Sprache, indem man jeden Tag, wenigstens ein bisschen, dafuer uebt.
{Wittmann, too, has not yet grasped, that "training mindfulness" is not enough. If the "mind" does not integrate with the "feeling", there will be no "full-ness". And the "feeling" can be trained only , if it is vibrated physically. A new term is needed: "Feel-Full-ness"!}

In einem gewissen Rahmen besteht aber auch in der alltaeglichen Erfahrung die Moeglichkeit, bewusster wahrzunehmen, intensiver den Moment zu leben. Das Erlebnis, wie sich veraenderte Achtsamkeit auf das Praesenzgefuehl auswirkt, kann man sich ein wenig vorstellen, indem man an die Situation denkt, wenn man nach einem langen Urlaub wieder nach Hause kommt. Die vertrauten Gegenstaende, sonst oft gar nicht mehr richtig beachtet, bekommen eine fast magische Praesenz. {For me the objects in my small home are always new, never too "familiar". How often do I watch them lovingly, also thinking of how they came into my life, be it a pot or a blanket or a picture...} Sie wirken neuartig, obwohl wir wissen, dass die Gegenstaende die alten sind. Der erste Tag zurueck nach laengerer Abwesenheit is immer ein besonderer, auch dadurch, dass wir die alltaeglichen Ablaeufe und die Umgebung mit besonderer Intensitaet erleben. Das Café an der Ecke oder die regennassen Strassen der Stadt "daheim' bekommen am Anfang eine besondere Bedeutung - bis am naechsten Tag der Gewoehnungseffekt wieder einsetzt. Wenn man sich doch nur immer so im Leben konzentrieren koennte, wie viel reichhaltiger und bunter waere es.

p.67 Von der Gnade des Atemholens.
Praesenzerfahrung entsteht, wenn Koerper und Geist, Raum und Zeit eine Einheit bilden {where is the FEELING, Dr. Wittmann?} Daher erklaert sich....die Faszination des Sports aus der Moeglichkeit, als aktiver Sportler oder als Zuschauer, an Ereignissen teilzunehmen, die eine "Versunkenheit in fokussierter Intensitaet" ermoeglichen. Es sind nicht nur die 22 Maenner auf dem Feld, die in hoechster Konzentration dem Fussball folgen, es sind etwa bei Weltmeisterschaften Hunderte von Millionen Menschen, die alle gebannt und gleichzeitig den entscheidenden Elfmeter erleben. {pay attention to the fact, that "Football" is often the only opportunity where "civilized" males are allowed to scream their emotions...}

On Sept. 3, 2013

I finished studying the book - not really content with it.
But I won't voice my feelings about and against it.
What had I expected? To understand "scientifically" how I perceive the phenomenon of "Time"??
Why did I go "out of the way" to reach a book, by asking it as a gift from an invalid friend abroad,
because I, whose only income is "National Security", am not allowed - luckily - to have a credit-card?
I hoped "Gefuehlte Zeit" = "Felt Time" would show me more, what I've tried to learn all my life:
how to use ~ savor linear time to the optimum while never disconnecting from the orbit of "eternity",
never leaving "the circle" of spherical or holistic or cosmic "time", i.e. being in "God", yes being "God".
And yet I'll quote what was new and wants to be learnt, or what was old but needs to be reinforced in me

The only new info is the "3 seconds rhythm" as smallest unit of action
(like a baby's suckling - or like my swinging around myself in the pool)
or of interaction
(like between a mother and a baby, or shaking hands between friends).
My association is: 3 seconds form a cycle of breathing-in-and-out,
in synchronicity with opening and contracting our ring-muscles
These rings or cycles or circles (s. the song "Round, like a circle in a spiral") ,
or the biblical
ma'agalim (s. my "orbital canon" at the end of the intro to Healing-k.i.s.s.)  
are intertwined with each other like links in a chain and thus create linearity.
Isn't this a metaphor for the relation between "spherical time" and linear time?
[A funny coincidence in this moment: I see, that my screen announces the time :12:12. But isn't it already 13:12?
I find: for the first time ever in Israel winter-time will begin on Oct. 27, 7 weeks later than in all past years.
This means, that the clocks on screens etc., which corrected themselves according to what was valid so far,.
must be attuned mechanically...

As the day goes on, I grasp, that "winter-time" did start on this day after all.
Am I confused, or is it "a game with time", meant to amuse me ? Yes! for it is still summer-time~]
See the Rosh-Hashanah blessing from Jonathan Jacoby
4 hours after I wrote about circles and "spherical time":

Nature loves spheres. Stars are perfect examples of natural spheres. Challahs are also spheres, at least on Rosh Hashanah, symbolizing the circle of the life and the cycle of a new year.

This is the chemical structure of Cyclodextrin … the drug that will bring hope and promise to Joshua in the New Year. Look at its shape.
No surprise - it's spherical!

I hope the year ahead will be filled with health & happiness - surrounded by a circle of friendship and love.       Jonathan.

p. 97, Ch. V, Lebenszeit, Lebensglueck und Endlichkeit.

Je aelter wir werden, desto schneller vergeht die Zeit. Zunehmende Routine im Leben fuehrt dazu, dass Erlebnisse weniger intensiv und folglich weniger deutlich im Gedaechtnis behalten werden. Da die Erfahrung subjektiver Lebenszeit von der Erinnerung abhaengt,
[memory of specific "experiences"?] , beschleunight sich die subjektive Zeit mit zunehmender Lebensroutine. Ein erfuelltes, abwechslungsreiches (is "full-filled" and "abwechslungsreich" the same? see how people cope with finding a translation for this long, composed word: varied, diversified, multifaceted) ist auch ein langes Leben.

p. 103 subchapter: Wer mehr erlebt, lebt laenger
[again: is feeling full-filled dependent on exterior experiences??????? Exterior experiences are only a small part des Er-lebens (a recurring problem which I have with the English language: there is no word for Er-Leben in German or khavayah in Hebrew, derived in both cases from the word "life, live")

p.112 Traumtheorie des finnischen Philosophen und Neurowissenschaftlers Antti Revonsuo: Traeume sind Simulatationen von Belastungssituationen des Lebens: verpasst Zuege und Fluege, das Vergessen der Folien vor einem wichtigen Vortrag, Unfaelle und Stuerze. Traumgeschichten simulieren das reale Leblen in einem Sicherheitsmodus und helfen den Menschen, sich emotional auf aehnliche Situationen einzustellen...
[this is one of the quotes or claims in this book, which are contrary to what I myself know, in this case: dreams are a way to heal and integrate what I experience in waking life).

p.114... Der Tod ist nur deshalb selten Thema, weil wir als biologische Wesen ausgerichtet sind aufs Ueberleben. Wir richten die Aufmerksamkeit auf die alltaeglichen Dinge und blenden dabei den Tod aus, ohne dass aktive Prozesse der Verdraengung angenommen werden muessten.

Carpe diem! Der Schluessel zu einem langen Leben.
Die Kuerze des Lebens und der Umgang mit dem unausweichlichen Sterben ist das eine. Das andere ist, was ein jeder aus seiner Lebensspanne macht. Der roemische Staatsmann und Philosoph Seneca hat dies in seiner Schrift
"Von der Kuerze des Lebens" auf den Punkt gebracht;

"Nein, nicht gering ist die Zeit, die uns zu Gebote steht; wir lassen nur viel davon verloren gehen. Das Leben , das uns gegeben ist, ist lang genug und voellig ausreichend zur Vollfuehrung auch der herrlichsten Taten, wenn es nur von Anfang bis zum Ende gut verwendet wird." [But see the end of Seneca's life!]

p.118 Einem unbedingten Arbeitsethos haengt Seneca gerade nicht an. Er will im Gegenteil aufzeigen, dass viele der Lebenstaetigkeiten, gerade die gewaehlte Arbeit, die einen auffrisst, davon abhalten, die Dinge zu unternehmen [ undertake ??????), die einen wirklich erfuellen und ein emotional reichhaltiges Leben bieten wuerden.

I remembered what Kurt Wilhelm, then chief-rabbi of Sweden, said , when I got to know him during my studies at Tuebingen in 1958: "Zeit ist mein groesster Reichtum" "Time is my greatest Wealth"!

p. 141 Ch. VII: Wie der Zeitsinn entsteht
[nothing relevant for me, except
- on the last page 155-6 - the reference to the artist Marina Abramovic‘
and her - for me incredible - performance of "The Artist is Present"!]

A pioneer of performance art, Marina Abramovic (born Yugoslavia, 1946) began using her own body as the subject, object, and medium of her work in the early 1970s. For the exhibition Marina Abramovic: The Artist Is Present, The Museum of Modern Art’s first performance retrospective, Abramovic performed... every day the Museum was open between March 14 and May 31, 2010. Visitors were encouraged to sit silently across from the artist for a duration of their choosing, becoming participants in the artwork. This comprehensive photo gallery contains a record of each participant.
Another note in "Gefuehlte Zeit" is worthwhile to be mentioned here, it's also online:
Isabell Winkler und Peter Sedlmeier (2011) "
Ist das wirklich schon wieder zehn Jahre her?
die Veraenderung der Zeitwahrnehmung ueber die Lebensspanne."

Sept. 10, 2013 In a 3SAT program I was reminded of another - familiar - aspect of "the perception of time"
how to choose what slows down time, like tending a garden [Jacob Augstein, die Tage des Gaertners



The first 4 FELT days of the next 15 FELT years

1 5   y e a r s  = 5 4 8 0   days   of
g e f u e h l t e - g e f u e l l t e   Z e i t   
"inmitten der Ewigkeit",
f e l t - f i l l e d   t i m e  
"amidst eternity"
from the beginning of my 76th till the completion of my 90th year [unless I'll die after all]
"A dream is our life on Earth ...we measure ...(it) in space & time" -see 2013 songs August Nr. 4-
yes, I, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam want to measure my life on Earth in space & time!

4 days of feelings will be inserted on each of the 1400 pages [set up between 2001-2008]
continuing with M E E M and then following the order of folders and files on my "local site".

The feeling chosen from a day is exhibited in max. 7 lines per day since August 28, 2013
On 6 days of the week I learn, but Shabbat is dedicated to my main feeling: grate-full-ness.
Since feelings must be vibrated and wombed, each day symbolically closes with a song,
following the order of SongGame 2007, which includes my own songs from 1967-2011,
and from then the songs created by myself or learnt from others in 2012, 2013 till 2028...

To challenge myself like that -while not knowing what will be "staged"
in my personal and in the world's drama till 2028 , exhilarates me!

2013-08-28-still 5480 days

This is the first day of what I foresee as 5480 days.
It's 22:00 and I still feel confused, even pressured, what feeling is "worthwhile" to be exhibited here.
I feel like a little girl, entering first grade , not yet being able to write the ABC. Now I simply expose my confusion, my pressure, yes and my disgust that I once again cause myself to feel pressured....

Song: ve-shavti ani va-aer'aeh [2006]
2013-08-29-still 5479 days
7:36 I feel the joy of deep understanding of

Song: Du, meine Seele, singe (old hymn)
2013-08-30-still 5478 days

N O I S E !!!  B a r k ing of the new big dog!
Physical clash in the pool with the guard:

"Everything disturbs you - noise, music!"
I plead: 'I'll not forget, when noise attacks,
you are the noise, too, my God'
(2013 songs)
8:25 Shir & Jonathan at the Kineret! Regret
about my failing with Tomer, Kineret 2010!

Song: ani meqabbel khavayah [2005]
2013-08-31-still 5477 days. Shabbat, Micha: 47!

Grate-full for the freedom from time-pressure,
in contrast to yet another time-pressure dream,
which shows that 70 decades still need healing.
Grate-full that on Shabbat I waive all routine, even the pool. Grate-full for the first sunlight, passing through wind-waving branches, which appears on the wall as a dance of light & shade.

Song: Alles ist Tat-ha-kol mattat (2007)    N e x t


 From this day, July 11, 2013 onward - - - - till August 27
- before and after my 75th birthday on August 15, 2013
I was being jolted into re-understanding my vocation:
All my former goals since the ages of 7, 13, 27, 50, 67,
were meant to create training-grounds for becoming:

a   pioneer   of    Evolution    in    learning-how-to-feel.

It is fitting, that I could squirm myself towards this understanding not in a linear way.
And so now - on Yom-Kippur 2013 - on the 17th FELT day of the next 15 FELT years,
  I want to collect, harvest and savor the fruits as they ripened - as - insights-in-stages,
just like the fruits of my pomegranate-tree have been ripening since July 11 till now!

This spring-flower (kova' nazir/monk's cress) photographed by me in 2003, decided to blossom (in a planter) now, in Arad, in August-Sept. 2013!!!