Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011
and Overview of its main libraries

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As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire:
to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life
and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth
by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!

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3

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5

6

7

1
2
3

How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

12:00 I hear the iron gate squeak in a hesitant manner,
as if the children were opening it.
And indeed, there they stood before me, the two fairies;
each with food in their hands: a plate with oriental salad
and a plate with a peeled boiled egg and freshly baked "Kubbana" bread,
of which I'd never heard before.
"Abba said, we should immediately come back!"
But of course, Amit sat already at the key-board
and I allowed "for 5 minutes" , ha, ha, ha.

Dialog with Lior:
"I want to stay with you, for at home my parents are busy & I am bored."
" I cannot help you with that, nor do I want to help with that.
It's your task to learn, what interests and excites you."
When she continued to talk about being bored so often,
I tell her, that that's perhaps the biggest problem of the world.
"Have you ever observed
("do you know the word "le-hitbonen"? "Yes, it means 'to see'!"),
("to see and linger on for a while and understand what you see")
what grownups do, when they are bored?"
"They make perhaps a salad!"
"Yes, what else!"
"They amuse themselves with their kids!"
"Yes, what else?"
"They drive their tractoron into the desert!"
"As your father did yesterday and this morning, what else!"
"yes, what else?"
"they eat!"
"Yes, what else?"
"They go to the mall and shop and shop".
(After some ten other things she said:)
"They play cards!"
"There you are! that's pretty bad, if they reach the stage of playing cards.
Now what about you!"
When she again expressed the usual Israeli:
"I can't do anything! What can I do! What can be done!"
I mimicked her and demanded:
"I'm telling you again,
that though you hear those phrases from grownups constantly,
I refuse to hear them from you, Lior!
On the contrary, you should make the grownups aware:
"Is there really nothing to be done?
Think of something that CAN be done!"

She then gave me an example of her own feeling of being a victim:
"For instance on Shabbat morning, everybody wants to sleep longer
and I'm not allowed to make noise.
So I take a puzzle and play it backwards, but this too bores me."
"Of course! Since you have exhausted the game
(I taught her the verb "le-matzot")"
But talking about puzzles, you are not dependent on bought puzzles.
Do you know, how puzzles were invented?
I once heard, that a man was in prison for a year
because he had caused a road accident.
He was so bored, that he took a newspaper,
tore it into pieces and put the pieces together again."

So we took a sheet of paper, I drew a few things with 2 different colors
and tore the sheet into 4 very different pieces.
"Now put the sheet together again!"
She succeeded.
In the meanwhile she had brought me something from her house;
5 tiny paper cuttings, like a sun, glued around her fingers by celotape.
"It's a story!"
"Well, tell me!"
She did so.
"The story is good, but you can do more than tell it,
you can write it down!"
"Write it down?"
"Yes, write it down, let's see,
how good you are in writing after 5 weeks of first grade".
She wrote: "Once there was the sun", asking about the spelling of each word, but doing really well.
"Do you have a copy-book? No, of course not, I'll make you a simple one!"
I took some reddish sheets of paper, cut them and showed her
how to stick them together with a stapler {now never ever used by me...).

Of course, Amit - whom I've not mentioned during the report on this dialog, but who was there with us all the time, with us or against us,
also wanted to write.
"But you cannot yet write!" I said.
There is no "cannot" in Amit's dictionary.
"I'll show you!" he said.
He pulled a sheet from my paper drawer
and began to draw a pretty blue sun with rays and all.
"You see?!"
"I see, that's truly a pretty writing!"

By the way, in the middle of the dialog about boredom,
I also asked him: "Are you bored, Amit?"
He shook his head.
"You see, Lior? Only at the age of 5 children start to become bored!"
"But I am 6!"
"Yes, and at 8 you'll be bored more and at 18 much more.
So this is the time to learn, what interests and excites and full-fills you."
She didn't understand the two latter words, but she will in time.

Finally Ofir helped me to get them out of my room again.
Their sophistication of manipulating me shows extreme intelligence.
But then of course, they are starchildren in every respect.
And the problem is,
how can I balance between letting them come near me
and being and putting a strict boundary,
and not only for my sake, but for their and their parents' sake.
They must learn in other situations from ordinary people
and not be exposed much to my 20000 Volt being and teaching...

Sent: Wednesday, May 21, 2003 11:41 PM
Subject: from yesterday to discontentment

start where?
I'll center before you center me
Now

yesterday I read your long letter
late
I was already tired
which made me even more receptive
to triggering

and i was so touched/triggered that I didn't even notice it immediately
it took a few minutes of feeling that everything was ok
it reminded me somehow
of my cold/sympathetic/psychological observational approach i get into
as when my sister raged at me in voice/movement therapy
mmmmh....... interesting was my reaction
no judgment it seems
but
but
where to start?
the utter fear to meet you.......
because as i think i have already suggested somewhere
i have put you in this position
of supreme being
and me
small me
with this feeling of total inadequacy
who is again supposed to be able to 'get in touch'
(and i know this is not so,
and not why you wrote your story
and having read it again I know you did not write this)
with the supernatural superreal otherworldliness memory
of outre-tombe [outside the grave]
understanding that 7x7x7 is 49 and 49 is whatever and again
you see again I didn't get it......
i never seem to
and i want to tell you again because this feeling is not leaving me
that i don't even feel that i'm doing our work
in any meaningful way
i am in awe by your work,
by your intensity
by the way you have created the space in your life to do this
and although i am not you
so why compare?
[why does this sadden me so much to say this?.......]
your presence triggers my hole
my deep black hole concerning my meaningfulness
meaninglessness
and truth is I really believe I'm not doing the work
like I said before.........lip service
...............
in the morning
I took your letters to my 'office' (its more a kuch) in Jerusalem to print them
as I don't have a printer at home

and then i read your letter
and again
but this time with pain
a sharp one in my plexus.......
i read.....
(i know this is not true)
you were 'giving up' on me
as you would 'not bring up this fantasy anymore'
and i had not understood
(naturally this was utterly true... )
abandonment
left for stupid unable un un un
you see
inside of me: I WILL NEVER GET IT
but i wanted to say stupidly i will never be enlightened
as i do not deserve it
why?
it is more than just being the son of my father
there is this basic flaw in me
so basic
and i can't even touch it with my tears
and you see
[why use this 'you see'??? so often?]
my mother did not 'see me' she did not really want to see me
she couldn't
she was blind
and she didn't WANT to see me
or for that matter much else.....
is this pain i am expressing?
or is it just a litany
a touching of the surface
there's no bodywork here
just feeling my body
no expression
and i wasn't fantastic enough
for her to notice me
and you come around with all this enthusiasm about me
with all this love
[here i started reading your new letter..could not not]
just find the kazaa webside at www.kazaa.com
download the program
set it up
and see if it works...
later i'll give you tips... promise]
you finish your letter with the idea of rest.....
rest?
how can I rest when....
when what?
calm


you have brought me back to earth.......

yes
i will try this now
i will say it
my beloved
still in small letters
as i come in and out of hell
i see i have no or little presence there
as though my life would be a gap
your question was well put
is it difficult for me coming from you
or for me coming from me
to be so loved?
and believe it.........
today i had a call from the security firm
that told me my house's alarm was set up....
today i was triggered in anger by E's not warning me on time
about something which made me loose some time (20 min max)
which I had envisioned working with you
next week i have 3 new appointments
...i was just interrupted by a beggar at my door....
he was so strange sounding
that part of me was laughing
and another part feeling ashamed about laughing at him
but he was there at the door
very incoherently telling me to please not to be angry at him
in broken hebrew
and i was in frenzy looking for some change
because his wallowing was becoming not easy to bear
even more so for my wife who was just half dressed and had to change rooms
which was pushing me even more to find the change
and i couldn't
well... at the end i did
am I a beggar?
a beggar?
begging for a bit of respite
a bit of happiness
a bit of 'enlightenment'
a beggar goes for the crumbs
that if he acts well and does what he is told
and doesn't make too much of a noise/mess
he is given
a beggar for love
nice title for a rock and roll song

beg BEG BEG BEG BEG!!!!!
i hear this voice inside of me say......in anger and rightfulness
cold cold anger
i feel like have this tormentor in me
this king
sitting on his stool
dagger eyes
tensed third eye
tensed nose and mouth
nazi-like frown
mouth slightly trembling
no holes barred
a mix of hard-core punk street hooligan with a smart devil and hate and power
and i don't know against what
it has sexual connotations too,
but maybe because i's release is from there
its aim is from there too
there and plexus
it is released from the sides of my body to the back
and from my shoulder blades out
and leaves me empty in the middle from throat to base

i look now at exerpts of your letter
and have found a weak spot
a place from which all hell could explode
where you tell me not to
and i could
and here i play with it
like a naughty boy
[this passage is underline and colored in this color,
which I only use for info which is channeled to me personally..]

why do I do this?
why this absence of compassion acceptance softness
i have found a limit.........
I have found a limit........
i hate limits
hate myself in this shame i'm in

let me tell you there's a part of me
that hates you for what you are triggering in me
you are uncovering my deepest shit
my deepest ??????????
I will tell you this.....because it is important........
i have this shame/fear about being ridiculed
as a man
because somehow it is related to my difficulty of being loved by you
and others seeing this
and here comes secrecy
and i am afraid of loving
and being ridiculed for this
as a man
by others seeing this
yesterday and the day before i have done this:
i have talked about you and me to two friends
not the details
but the intensity
and the common language
and the intertwining of our souls
and now i am wondering
why i am so far from ONE
so far from love
so far from me
so deep in hell
and without the pleasure of getting out of here
because i see no HOPE
no EXIT
and this is a lie
I must start becoming boring with all of this
i even don't feel genuine
i would say now: I'm a fuck
this is not my usual way to self derogate,
therefor there may be something there
I'm a fuck
I have gone downhill since our first exchanges....
I think I'm not over yet the latest triggers
I'm going to read the letters again
and rest
in utter discontentment
Mar with a zest of love......
in fact much more than a zest........................................................................more a soft spray
or a liquid gel
maybe a small huggy-like love
if you would hug me now i think i would cry for a while

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Norway

 

 

 

Canada

 

 

 

The following 3 images:
Onboard the National Geographic Explorer
crossing the Davis Strait between Greenland and Baffin Island

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2003_05_22 – 6:26

if you would hug me now i think i would cry for a while

Since your BEING as it is shining in your letter
is hugging ME so nakedly,
I shiver, I tremble, I yawn madly, my eyes are wet

OH, this is a response so much more responsive
than I could even imagine,
leave alone hope for, leave alone expect.

I know, it sounds absurd,
overriding your pain.
But I understand it, and maybe you will too now,
because I quoted and adopted this passage of yours yesterday:
you telling me that you trigger people constantly..
because that's who you are..
helped me to see
that I'm about seeing the 'potential' of people

OH yes, that sounds all too familiar.
I've been calling myself a Michelangelo,
seeing the sculpture in the rock,
where everyone else would only see a plain rock,
and I did what you did, I made the rock see this,
and the rock was pleased at first, flattered,
but then couldn't live up to what I'd seen,
though I never said, the sculpture would come out in one go,
and then the rock couldn't take it to feel even more "not enough",
and then the rock would project on me
and I was the most hateful being on earth.

and this has so often blinded me to their denied or darker side
always believing that if I only helped them
they could see that they can face these parts of them
how wrong I have been
how denying have I been of their pain
or their aches
of their own unwillingness to look
of my unwillingness to feel

You have made it now much clearer to me,
why I failed so miserably.
I'll adopt all you say but modify it today:

and this does not blind me to your darker side
b e c a u s e   y o u    d o   n o t    d e n y     i t,
I believe that to help you I have to do only one thing,
which is not doing, which is just being me,
not "reculer" (a word I like in French),
even if my presence triggers you,
because you, you my peer, will experience,
that you can face these parts of you, and you do face them
and move them - yes, yes with your body and voice-
I am not wrong in rejoicing at a letter of pain,
of the deepest of aches
which have been mine too for most of my life,
but are not now, not now,
and I can see, my healing is no illusion,
for it's reflected in the reality of having YOU coming into my life,
a man, not even a woman, who is able to stand naked in front of himself,
and not project on me what he sees
and what triggers him when he sees it.

YOUUUUUUU!

 

2003_05_22- 23:30

YOU, you DID say it? Didn't you?
Beloved!
I still don't dare to repeat it in turning to YOU.

start where?
I'll center before you center me
Now

yesterday I read your long letter
late
I was already tired
which made me even more receptive
to triggering
and i was so touched/triggered that I didn't even notice it immediately

that you were touched and triggered?

it took a few minutes of feeling that everything was ok

i.e. that you were able to be touched and triggered?

it reminded me somehow
of my cold/sympathetic/psychological observational approach i get into

if this is a survival pattern of yours, I'm scared of it, I admit.
But maybe, you are self-derogating yourself - a word I learnt from you -
and it's not really true.
You said, you came in touch with so much fear then!
as when my sister raged at me in voice/movement therapy
mmmmh....... interesting was my reaction

interesting?

no judgment it seems
but
but
where to start?
the utter fear to meet you.......

I know this and I understand this and I can bear this,
as I can bear anything, any-any-any-thing,
under the condition, that you are aware and parental to it.

because as i think i have already suggested somewhere
i have put you in this position
of supreme being

from you, and from you alone I can take this,
for you - at the same time - can be father/mother to me
and take the wounded, frightened, helpless child in me
into your arms and comfort me.
"ka-ish asher imo menachamaennu",
As one whom his mother comforteth
Isaiah 66,13
has so often made me cry,
for where has been such a mother or a father for me,
until Mona came into my life - then age 24, while I was 40.

And the other reason that I can tolerate
to be put in that position by you and by you alone, is,
that you would never identify me with that role,
you would never, once you find out,
that I am not what you wanted to see in me,
hate me for failing you, for having proved you wrong.
and me
small me
with this feeling of total inadequacy

my word!

I went to see the sunset beyond my candelabre -
this lonely, partly dead tree of unknown identity,
standing out like a menorah against the golden sky,
compensates me for the loss of my path.
Thinking of

with this feeling of total inadequacy

I understood, that what parallels this basic feeling in you,
is not my own - former - feeling of inadequacy, for this is truly healed.
But the feeling of the opposite, of the "too much".
There is not even a term for it, or is there?
Which indicates, that this "basic flaw"
- the word you use further down -
is not even acknowledged as a category of suffering
I now searched for a smiley that expresses bitter irony,
but - how cute - found instead the yin-yang symbol

and it let me SENSE the beauty of the complementing:
your "not enough" cradles my "too much"
and my "too much" cradles your "not enough",
Maybe "cradling" is an inexact description
of the moving touching line between the two,
but it conveys the sensuality of this touch.
I know, how I would express it, if our Bodies were permitted to touch...

who is again supposed to be able to 'get in touch'
(and i know this is not so, and not why you wrote your story
and having read it again I know you did not write this)
with the supernatural superreal otherworldliness memory of outre-tombe
understanding that 7x7x7 is 49 and 49 is whatever and again

Mar, my beloved (I couldn't help saying it, savoring it now),
do at least not torture yourself with things, that are just a game.
Smile, or even laugh about me,
when I play all these "games of meaningfulness",
with numbers, names, dates, coincidences,
For me it's important to find symbols and meaning in everything,
but no one can be near such a person without making fun of her game.

By the way - making fun of me lovingly makes me laugh,
like "BrianSuperstar" makes me laugh.
[I now listened to one of the videos on the Web and cried with laughter and grief...]
Mona together with Ronnit (age 16-20) and Micha (15-19)
in our 4 1/2 happy years in Ramat-Gan [Dez. 1980-July 1985],
were great at it,
and later David and Eilat! Now it's Efrat and Ronnit.
And you said about yourself, that you are "funny",
and you have written these papers about "humor",
probably on the base of your work and experience.
So why not apply this quality and skill, my friend,
when you are hit by yet another series of symbols?

you see again I didn't get it......
i never seem to
and i want to tell you again because this feeling is not leaving me
that i don't even feel that i'm doing our work
in any meaningful way

what on earth or in heaven could be called "doing our work"
if not your awareness of and exposing to me
what you feel, what you live, what you are?
Are you looking for results?
No! you are taking Me as the criterion for what it means "doing our work".
i am in awe by your work,
by your intensity
by the way you have created the space in your life to do this

Oh could I just shake your shoulders and tenderly box your chest
and growl a bit with a funny grimace
and say:
Trust that the proportion is right,
the mix is right, the balance is right,
between living your usual life
and stepping outside of it to "do our work".
Without living your usual life,
you would get burned by the intensity of both,
touching Me, even in such a virtual way,
and touching yourself in places you feel the most pain.
I take back what I once said: "Give it priority, it's so short a time".
First of all, you are giving "it" priority,
and second, you don't have to do anything.
WWW - WatchWaitWonder
is a formula I found in some info about ADHD therapy.
I adopted it as a formula for my work with myself:
watch, wait and wonder

and although i am not you
so why compare?
[why does this sadden me so much to say this?.......]

Let me stroke your hands.

your presence triggers my hole
my deep black hole concerning my meaningfulness
meaninglessness
and truth is I really believe I'm not doing the work
like I said before.........lip service

A chassidic story:
someone came to the rabbi and denounced some guys
who were wasting all their time playing cards in a pub.
The rabbi said:
"How wonderful! They are already dedicated so deeply to something!
Now they must only find the right thing to be dedicated to."

YOu believe, that with you it's the opposite:
you are dedicated to the right thing, but not with all your heart.
I can feel your feeling.
But let me repeat it:
YOu are not supposed to do,
what I have done these last days in such totality,
I have, after all, in my life's treasure box
~~~ 23 years more than you ~~~
23 years of living, loving, learning,
suffering, creating, healing.

Just calculate:
who were you at the age of 20 and who are you now?
Please, do not misunderstand me.
I do not mean at all what people associate with the difference of age.
I feel, and I hope, you feel this from me,
that I perceive us as absolutely equal in everything,
and if it wouldn't be so, how could I love you so?
But I can allow myself to be so total, and you can not.

Bla-bla-bla.
I got up - frustrated with myself - danced,
considered deleting what I've written in the last hour or so,
trying to comfort you, trying to make you accept yourself,
while all you need is to be listened to,
but how can I listen to you virtually,
and despair and powerlessness seeped into me
and the khesheq [desire] to go back to my site
and not write for 24 hours facing you,
and so on and so on,
but I am back, and I'll bear these feelings now,
and I neither delete what I've written
nor change my decision
to gratefully grab this chalice you hold up to receive all I am,
be it too much or be it not enough, whatever,
too clever, not clever enough, whatever,
here I am and do what I can,
but it's not what you need,
but know, at least, that what you do, give and are,
is what I need,
I - Christa-Rachel Maryam Bat-Adam.

I'll not respond to every line now with words,
but neither do I want to delete anything of the following.
Just know, that I am with you (whatever this is worth...)

morning
I took you letters to my 'office' (its more a kuch) in Jerusalem to print them
as I don't have a printer at home
and then i read your letter
and again

but this time with pain
a sharp one in my plexus.......
i read.....
(i know this is not true)
you were 'giving up' on me
as you would 'not bring up this fantasy anymore'
and i had not understood
(naturally this was utterly true... )
abandonment
left for stupid unable un un un
you see
inside of me: I WILL NEVER GET IT
but i wanted to say stupidly i will never be enlightened
as i do not deserve it
why?
it is more than just being the son of my father
there is this basic flaw in me
so basic
and i can't even touch it with my tears
and you see
[why use this 'you see'??? so often?]
my mother did not 'see me' she did not really want to see me
she couldn't
she was blind
and she didn't WANT to see me
or for that matter much else.....
is this pain i am expressing?
or is it just a litany
a touching of the surface
there's no bodywork here
just feeling my body
no expression

this is the only thing I beg you to change!

and i wasn't fantastic enough
for her to notice me
and you come around with all this enthusiasm about me
with all this love

enthusiasm (Greek: 'en theou=in God), yes, that's the exact word,

[here i started reading your new letter..could not not]
just find the kazaa webside at www.kazaa.com
download the program
I tried twice, I'll try again, maybe I'll find out,
what (as usual...) I'm doing wrong.

you finish your letter with the idea of rest.....
rest?
how can I rest when....
when what?
calm


you have brought me back to earth.......

This sounds exhilarating to me.
I brought you back to earth!
What more could I wish!
But where did you hide before?

yes
i will try this now
i will say it
my beloved
still in small letters

Does it feel right - in small letters at least?

as i come in and out of hell
i see i have no or little presence there
as though my life would be a gap
your question was well put
is it difficult for me coming from you
or for me coming from me
to be so loved?
and believe it.........
today i had a call from the security firm
that told me my house's alarm was set up....

YOu mean you installed an alarm system?
What did you mean by mentioning that, except to trigger me a bit,
because I cannot connect you
with the security-phobia and safety-madness of this country.
I, who have lived in tents ,
do not even lock my door, unless I stay away over night.

today i was triggered in anger by E's not warning me on time
about something which made me loose some time (20 min max)

I'm yearning for more bits and pieces about your daily life,
but even when you hint at something,
it's so scarce that I cannot understand it:
Why did you hint at this incident?
What is the common denominator between these 3 "reports"?

which I had envisioned working with you

does "working with me" mean writing to me?
And this of course takes time.
But you are working with me also
while you live and do everything else in your life

next week i have 3 new appointments

you mean 3 new potential or real clients? How come?
Is this good - because of money and satisfaction -
or bad, because (seemingly) limiting "doing our work"?

I won't copy the beggar analogy, nor the tormentor image,
not because I think it's crazy, but because I don't want you to dwell on it.

let me tell you there's a part of me
that hates you for what you are triggering in me
you are uncovering my deepest shit
my deepest ??????????

Let's assume I am.
Let's assume your deepest ???? is "shit".
But you are aware and you are able to bear
and you are not identified with the hatred of me,
since you know that it is a projection of hating yourself.

Mar, my friend,
so often , when I despair of the progress of healing,
I ardently wish:
"If only some people could just stop
to project their self-hatred,
even though they cannot yet heal this self-hatred,
the world would be 180 degrees different."

I will tell you this.....because it is important........
i have this shame/fear about being ridiculed
as a man

Please spell it out,
what this has to do with me loving you or you loving me.
Please!
Who could ridicule you for what?
Am I naive? Am I blind? Am I deluding myself?

because somehow it is related to my difficulty of being loved by you
and others seeing this

seeing what?

and here comes secrecy
and i am afraid of loving
and being ridiculed for this
as a man
by others seeing this

I do not understand, help!

yesterday and the day before i have done this:
i have talked about you and me to two friends
not the details
but the intensity
and the common language
and the intertwining of our souls

in utter discontentment

bear with yourself,
as I do now with myself,
at the end of my hard-worked response,
I am not content either
what does it matter?
It is Feeling.
and if I'm able to just feel the feeling,
not making it wrong,
not wanting it to go away,
not trying to change what causes it,
leave alone ignoring or denying it,
then the feeling is simply
the awareness of living, of being alive .

YOu know that,
but we need each other to remind us of it, again and again and again:
unlike Descartes: cogito ergo sum, I think, therefore I am,
I 'm not interested in knowing that I am.
IN fact, I would rather not be.
But since that is no option,
I want to be alive,
really, truly, outrageously, fervantly, enthusiastically alive,
When I feel what I feel, I am alive.

It's the judgment,
which gives the feeling the quality of being unbearable.
And this, yes, I see this now, this is a judgment I am able to release.
And isn't this    T H E      judgment, which keeps us imprisoned?

My highest wish for us is,
that we practise together
and train each other:
"just feel, what you feel
and move what you feel
and accept what you feel,
and it will evolve and transform by itself.

Can we turn this into a graphical icon?
Now I am content,
now I am whole,
now I snuggle along the touching line of our

Before this response I have been writing another kind of letter,
during 4 morning hours.
But it will be "packed" in a way that you can just store it away,
without even reading it.
The packing still needs some work, so I'll send it tomorrow.
Body wants to rest now.

Friday, May 23, 2003 2:12 AM
Subject: Re: from yesterday to discontentment 12:46

Mar-i-am

it is too late to answer now...
just back from a friend

i'll answer tomorrow

let myself be triggered by something very frustrating here
in your letter
see if it's still there then

tomorrow

with joy and sorrow

Mar

2003_05_23 – 7:47

Mar-Mar
I was just about to tell you, to know, to trust,
that if there ever wouldn't be an e-mail from me,
it would be because of the Server or the Computer not working,
not - that this would be "just" a technical accidential disruption,
but in any case the silence on my part would not be my intention.
And I wanted to ask you,
if you could give me that same promise.

And then I open and find this little jewel,
your letting me know, that you could not write,
both because it was too late
and because you need to let sink in a trigger,
helping me thus, to feel safe,
knowing that everything is alright,
both your sorrow and your joy,
and I will be close to you in both -today.

Mar-I-Am (you do play too, see?)

 

2003_05_23 -23:29

Mar!

I feel powerless. So I'll feel it.
Not change the feeling nor the cause for it.


YOUR pain leaves you no space for receiving
what I want to share from my own being.
This is fine. I know, it's temporary.
I'm glad, though, that I did not send that other letter.

YOU hate being loved by me.
I'm sad for you, that my love aggravates your self-hatred.
As for me: My love is not dependent on being loved back.

YOU throw me into one bucket with the women of your trauma.
You suspect my intentions.
I feel dragged into the mud.
But this will not make me dirty, nor my love.

What makes me feel powerless is something else,
it is the impossibility
to be a space for you.
In the sense of my slogan:
"Love means being a space in which the loved-one can grow."
My comforting you is bullshit,
and what you need is only listening.
But how can I listen virtually?
How can I make my listening tangible for you?

"Love means also being a boundary against which the loved-one can grow."
I can't see this happening either.
You crash against the being that's me
and get crushed.
That's all.

So why do you want me in your life?
You want it.
Period.
So I'll stay there as long as you want it.
Within the limits of our appointed time.

so you might not love me
if i'd gap
HE SAID
so i could not count on your love
to get me out of there
it's cold out here
he said
[this is probably a quote from one of the Right Use of Will books]

You are right.
I shall grow into trusting myself:
then I won't need to condition my acceptance for you.

i am
willfully torturing myself with you inside
to find a way out
with you
a way out of hell
so now i have a game of me i want to try with you
and please tell me
it it's ok for you

What game?

WHy did you erase this beggar story from my text?
he said
with a hard note in his voice?

I ask you for forgiveness, please copy it for me once more.

the game:
i have a feeling that i need to hear you
beg for forgiveness
(this is so heartless.......)
and you have to know why
e.g. i ask you forgiveness for..............
please give me your full emotional expression here
(i know you will)

I don't understand the game
and not what it is I should have emotions about.
I do ask you forgiveness for this dumbness...

I'm not trying to make you relate to me.
Just tell me one thing , if the yin yan symbol was visible.

because as the little text of leo ferre -which you didn't like-
said: il n'y a plus rien
and i am the one who will give meaning to all
and in this sense i am alone
utterly

but not only this........

3 appointments:

this is a major change
no 'objective' reason for this
i link this to my work with you
and i don't know why

There's a crumb for me, after all...

i was the first with a mythological ex

what is that?

i release the judgment
that any emotion i have been feeling lately
is unbearable
i can bear it all
i will just add that something somewhere you said
about why doing the work alone?
but something in me 'exige' [demands] that i do this alone
and it's part of a judgment
or it's because i have never found anyone to do the work with
and considered this
AS MY SHORTCOMING
or as me not understanding the message
that the work has to be done ALONE
do you know (i'm sure you do but this doesn't make me feel better)
what it is to be on this world
and find NO AFFINITY with no one

I am sad, I thought you had found it with me.

yesterday i had a new client
an arab lady from taibe...
a sister from a supervisee of mine in Jerusalem
a beautiful lady
i saw her
and fell in love with her
such beauty
but only i can see this
only i can feel this love
she cannot understand this

why is this connected to the "no affinity"?

and it cannot yet be love that meets love
so why can't i meet you on the inside
sometimes i try to curl into your arms
i try and try and try
and even stop trying
and shout FEEL ME!!!
as this song of the WHO: see me, feel me, touch me, heal me....[1975]......
HEAR THIS

I am hearing, Mar, but if you were me,
you would demand from me
to give you specific stories instead of all these generalizations,
which tempt you to wallow in feelings instead of healing them.

i am hopeless
i am the dirt of the earth
i have been thrown out of every house of every heart of every vow
i have been put to shame
by my father
by my mother
by my uncle
by my teachers
by my school co-learners (not to say friends)
by my friends
by my lovers
why-how?
because i have been so dependent upon them
because i have renounced my dislike of them
just so as not to be alone
because i have renounced my opinions
my world view -weltanschauung
my dreams
so as not to be alone
so as to have their blessing
which i never received
and i have been shamed
ridiculed
laughed at
and i have been rejected by so many women
that i believed to be rejected: as a man
because of my cowardness
because of my lack of manhood (i won't be more specific here)
because of how i looked

so i handled all these issues in reality
i became strong, funny, witty, smart
had a girlfriend
worked on self image
got over the physical image i had of me
fucked at the age of 15
had myself an orgy
got a ba ma phd [B.A., M.A., Ph.D.]
a house
with a decent pay
director of research
good music to calm my soul
and lip service to the good cause
and all of this remaining a good person...
and all of this in balance and good taste
and i still can't love/receive love absolutely

i release the judgment that i am not lovable

and i release the thought that there is a danger in being loved

i accept that it is the only thing in life i really want

and this is to be loved

and i am not ashamed of this anymore
it is not a weakness of wanting to be loved

oh how i always judged this to be a weakness
how this meant i didn't feel good with myself
and this was a weakness
how not being satisfied was a weakness
how showing weakness was an opening for laughter ridicule attack
and how it was even forbidden to say you (did it again, I..)
were hurt by a remark
because then you (and again, I) heard it was 'not intended'
(and was probably not...)
and I was brandished as somebody 'sensitive' or judged or put down again
instead of my pain heard
sometimes I do this with my children... when they cry about something...
well you must be tired...
(and they naturally are..but this doesn't make it less stupid)
and a lot of this happened in a man's world....

i still cannot believe i am
lovable

I see this all the time and my heart cringes

where taunting, joking, ridiculing one another jokingly
is STILL a way of communicating
and saying I love you without saying it without taking away the defenses
is the rule
as a man i am not yet at peace
with this 'weakness' of needing love
of needing anything
my image must be one of perfection
i have already attained this all-knowing wisdom
the need for someone -solace- support, help is a kind of weakness
now i have never been those who prone total self-sufficiency
but this dependence upon someone for feeling good
puts you (again, Me) totally into his hands
at his mercy
at her mercy
mercy mercy mercy (classic thelenious monk jazz piece)

so i am in the hands of merci beaucoup of not hurting me
and i hate those i could love for this

can i release something here?
can i get out of the pattern?

that is why i hate conflict
fear rage

because it distances me from a relation where i could feel secure

because inside there is no security

there are always alarms going off

although i'm not robbed of anything

the last time the alarm went off because there was a power failure.......

how telling

everytime i feel dispowered unpowered
my sense of security
secureness
being secure in this world
receives a blow
i may not having being begging for love
but for security
so i fear
to face what?
my need of love?

my need for protection?

my need to protect my sensitivity?

I don't know yet
maybe i've been so overridden all my life
(mostly by self, but since birth by mother)
that i'm hysterical
about my space when i feel it threatened

but i am not a child now

and i am not overridden

and i have power

and i respect myself
my needs
my need for love
my deep craving for love
my immense craving

i'll be in touch with this for the next few whatevers.........
yours sincerely

in craving

Having edited your letter and responded to it,
I feel less powerless.
I discerned some little openings in you for me.
I'll patiently wait outside, until you call me in.
Mar-I-AM

Saturday, May 24, 2003 10:05 PM
Subject: Re: 01:25

but did I understand correctly-
that You "have not cried in a long time"?

This would bewilder me, shock me, grieve me to helplessness.
OH, could I just cradle you, cuddle you, make you cry!
Yes, you are the most beautiful child on earth,
but you must remember your tears !
Say to me -
nourish my tears!

nourish my tears
THAT I MAY CRY MY HEART
INSIDE-OUT

and this morning i opened my mail
and you were not there......
and yesterday you had said something about trusting
so I do
as always now
even if fear still succeeds to creep in


as the night aproaches I feel tired with a slight throat ache and a dry mouth
maybe i will sleep early tonight......
and i will listen to my body crying out........
and will see myself close to you
my friend


m
ma
mar
marc

This seems to refer to my coping with my "too much", my volcanic eruptions of writing, my lava streams. Since there is no "dialog" in this document, I'm transferring it to the page on October 19, 2008, which is entirely dedicated to this problem - today! 2003_05_24 – 22:16 I want to catch you, before you go away. I heard the sound, please don't go yet. Tell me, if you can wait just a little 2003_05_25 – 0:19 It's 00:17. Please let me know, if it makes sense that I send you a letter this morning. For, if you won't have time any way to look into it, I''ll send it only , when you'll be at the computer 2003_05_25- 7:40 I'll separate this letter - (in this second you sound-in !) - from all I wrote yesterday and send it before you leave, since I have some minutes for going through what I just now completed.

 

 

Sent: Saturday, May 24, 2003 10:05 PM

OH, could I just cradle you, cuddle you, make you cry!
Yes, you are the most beautiful child on earth,
but you must remember your tears !
Say to me -
nourish my tears!

nourish my tears
THAT I MAY CRY MY HEART
INSIDE-OUT

and this morning i opened my mail
and you were not there......

and yesterday you had said something about trusting
so I do
as always now

even if fear still succeeds to creep in


as the night aproaches I feel tired with a slight throat ache and a dry mouth

maybe i will sleep early tonight......

and i will listen to my body crying out........

and will see myself close to you
my friend

m
ma
mar



Sunday morning, 2003_05_25, 6:00 - still 43 days

From my hole of being "too much" on you,
I'm glad, that you tell me, what you experienced,
when no letter was there from me.
But I did not do this intentionally.

I was writing as early as 6:45 for more than five hours,
but then felt, I needed to think more about something
I didn't know until the night what it was,
and I also felt this strange urge to complete the page about
"Fight for a Tree and Flight to Egypt",
and worked on it even,
after I came back from the family gathering
around the 4 birthdays of my daughters' 4 kids.
Your letter sounded-in
and I felt,
as if for once I could touch you right there
and wrote 3 lines,
but you were gone.

All this "technical" orchestration was necessary, I think,
to bring something to the forefront
which now wants to be expressed like this:

It is not right, that I say "fine" to your quest:

but now i must ask you something
for the next issue will probably relate again to secrecy

and i will ask you to send me mail in word format attachment....
my mail on my computer is for all to see
and until now
no-one has looked
and the time is not ripe yet to explain i think
so for now please bear with me......

As to why i could not be conscious of my own need to have these limits....
i'll either feel this through
or won't need to

I felt bad with this yesterday morning, when I read it,
seemingly for technical reasons:
for me it's cumbersome to copy all my graphical editing into a Word format,
and I felt, that by transferring my letter to an attachment,
the spontaneity would be "mar"red.
Which is strange, since mostly my letters are carefully sculpted
and not spilled-out spontaneously.

But at midnight it finally hit upon me:

I accept,
that despite your firm intent last Shabbat to solve this issue,
you feel that the time is not right.

I accepted so far, that you did not want my input to this issue.

What is more - your unspoken declining of my input gave me a chance,
a chance to review my approach to transparency
concerning David and me.
We went through a process,
for which no Shakespeare has yet been born to dramatize it,
and no price for bravery appropriate enough could ever be invented.
But - following your hesitation - I asked myself for the first time:
Could I have done it differently?

The very question shook my foundations.

Since I had no answer, just the question,
I was glad, that you conveyed that you had to deal with this all alone,
and that you did not want me to get involved in this.
But then came this quest.
And this does involve me!
And it does give me the right
- not to help YOU -
but to stand up for MYSELF.

And this is how I do stand up for myself
you maybe terribly triggered
and remember, that I'm ready to receive your "movement'.

It is bad enough,
that there is this lack of truth and trust, and therefore love,
between you and your wife.
But we should not add to it by DOING anything intentionally.
Trust the Angels.
If they agree with your approach,
they will cover your wife's eyes.
If not, they might use this avenue
to create the situation "from the outside",
which you should have created by now from the inside,
the situation of using the coping
with the "intensive" between you and me,
as a chance-from-heaven
for renewing and deepening your love to .
I watch, that the strong words "you should have" flowed into my keying.
They were not in my mind before.
I may have to answer my question concerning 1994 [David & Eilat] with:
No, I could not/should not have acted differently.

I'm shivering all over now,
not because of fear of triggering you.
But because of knowing so clearly,
that your fear of "not doing our work" is justified
and it's me who now has to come forward
to help you "doing the work".

How can it be, my friend,
that you change,
and there is no other possibility than that you change,
and you said so yourself , that things change in your life,
but your wife is not noticing your change?

Let me again give an example from 1994.
It took me all these weeks to understand,
that I was not giving something away by learning from comparison,
since LOVE is ONE,
and what one of us learns, will be learnt by all)
When David came back from those miluim [reserve-service],
which had allowed for our final encounter
(final - because David had met me already in his miluim in 1991,
and again in 1992,
but I did not respond to what he tried to radiate),
his younger son , then 14, said:
"yesh lanu abba khadash" ["we have a new dad"].
And Eilat started to blossom
and when she was about to meet me as the big succah-founder,
because a preliminary gathering with the young candidates
for my new model "Aetgar ba-midbar"
was suddenly - by the angels - scheduled in her own house,
she was excited beyond anything reasonable.
She "knew" before she knew.

How can it be, that E. does not notice your change?
Either you do not change,
which means your work is, in fact, not done.
Or you do change,
but deny it so much, that you reverse any effect.
Or your relationship is in such a shit,
that I would ask you to leave everything else
and look at what you are creating there.

And one last point out of many:
If, objectively, there seems to be any reason for secrecy,
then you got it all wrong.
OUr meteor is not to be compared
with any known scenario in this world.
Period!
By telling you that Laurent-Marguerita-Miriam myth,
I hoped to make you understand,
that you and me -
are granted a "high season" of activated, actualized LOVE,
for a very limited time,
so as to propel our healing forward ,
and through us
the healing of your relationship with your wife and your children
and your relationship with your friends, your clients, your cleaner, everyone.
Once you'll truly understand this,
and release all your judging, triggering of traumas, general beliefs
with regard to our "Intensive",
you cannot fail to make E. feel included and enriched.

I wish I could show you my body analogy:
Join the thumb and forefinger of both your hands,
until they form two rings.
Intertwine these rings and watch
how they can touch,
but can also move freely between and inside each other.
Now imagine a third finger ring
intertwining with one of the two existing rings.
Would it take away something from the second ring?
Wouldn't it enrich it instead?
Everything that enriches the one ring, will enrich the other too.

Face Me, Face Yourself,
Wrestle with Yourself, until the wrestling becomes embrace.

Christa-Rachel Maryam Bat-Adam

"I did it again!!!" [a song by Britney Spears,
known to me because my granddaughter Elah was once her fan)
I told you a story!!!
And of course, I am animated by you.
And of course, I believe, that it's relevant for you.
Damn me.


But this craving for getting our frozen needs fulfilled will lead us nowhere, Mar.
As for me - i have a fantasy of learning
how to transform all the fire, lava and ashes of my volcano
into singing-dancing on my own and even better, with others.

You'll see my "great idea", an alternative for the cave fantasy,
sooner or later this lava , spit it out already, will reach you....

I am not enough,
so I don't deserve love.
I am too much,
so you will shun touch.

It's not exact in the wording
leave alone rational and real,
but it rhymes and it sings,
it may serve us as a code.


The following "lava" see tomorrow on the page dedicated
to my "too much" talking, "too much"writing.

 

[Which urges me now to flood you with more lava:
The last update about the Bastard's [Jesus'] Solidarity
I did almost in one go, yesterday, thinking of you incessantly.
So once, after the volcano will have retreated from your life,
you may want to read - slowly please - those 11 Hebrew pages

Another page I'm sculpting, sending incessant glances over to you somewhere,
is "Fight for a tree and Flight to Egypt"
(emphasized in the content table of "DesertVision").
When this baby, long frozen in some obscure part of my site,
suddenly pushed,
I wasn't aware, that among many reasons
there was also a meaningful date (sorry!):
It was the 24th of May
[ - also the birthday of Rotem,
the grandchild with the name of the desert shrub,-]
when I discovered,
that my laurel tree had been uprooted from the desert after all.
When I worked on this for many hours yesterday, I was surprised to find,
that there is still so much pain about the betrayal of my so-called partners.
I had done months and months of work
on healing this with myself and with those "partners".
May I have the strength now, to complete that page,
before snuggling into your letter again,
coping and cuddling, caring and cradling.

The time is [May 25?] 11:40.
And now 12:20.
I rested
and then sang-danced,
putting forth my intention to let my fire, lava, ashes
flow into the sound and the dance and the sphincter-muscles movement.
All the while I was also synchronizing my site,
and there came a popup
with a strange "do you really want to delete?"-question
concerning the page:
"Similar Channelings", the last paragraph on Appendices LIst.
Why was this on the "delete" list? I couldn't find the technical reason.
I assume it was a way of the Angels to push me
to look into that channeling.
It's so much about what we both are at, all the time, but now together.
I don't even want to quote from it.
Maybe - if you feel like opening it at all - YOU will quote from it,
for ME.

Now, if this volcano seethes and simmers and bubbles and boils in usual times,
what happens to it when the flame of activated, actualized love is thrown into it?

That's where the comes in.
Loving you, listening to you, I do my own work.
Loving me, listening to me, you heal yourself.
I try to imagine, how we'll both come out of this,
in 44 days~~~
we may have sped up our vibrations, spinning so fast,
that no one will see as anymore.
ha-ha-ha, be-aemet [really], don't delude yourself, Rachel.
We may be even more stuck in our self-tortures.
Feel, Mar and Mar, feel all there is to feel.

Sunday, 2003_05_25, 21:32

I've corrected the above, but not sent it yet,
knowing that you'll be back only by 23:00
and knowing, that even if you should find the time to write,
you must first deal with my "urgent" letter, sent this morning.

I'm now immersing myself in what you wrote
in the night of Friday-Shabbat:
you are inside
please believe me
it is so difficult for me
to do both for now
to create this space between us
i take you in deep
so deep as no one has ever gone
i am sorry for this frustration
i am sorry for this lack of space
i really am very sad about this
and please do know you don't aggravate anything
i am sorry and happy to say that i am using you
i love being loved by you
i hate being loved by you
or by anybody
and you are the greatest space i have ever had where to grow
because i have never hated so much
feared so much
opened up naked so much
and i am naked yes
foremost to myself
through your eyes
i could not do this now without you
because you are real not a virtual image or a therapist
you love me because of whom i am
not because of what you would like me to be
or because your secret agenda
and it saddens me to sadden you
and maybe thats another opening
and maybe i have to change my approach
i don't know yet
if i don't see an opening in the next few days i will do something else
focus differently
we'll see

i see this
i do this because i've been doing this all along
but now i can see myself doing it
and try to figure out why
So why do you want me in your life?
for me to crash and for you to stay
and to talk to you whilst i crash
and tell you how it feels

You want it.
Period.
So I'll stay there as long as you want it.
Within the limits of our appointed time

i know that my life is changing radically these days
i have reaffirmed my commitment to be as whole as possible
to always respect whatever i'm able to feel at any movement
and to create as many occasions as possible with people around me
for them and me to do the work
this has happened this evening again with a friend
when we both were triggered by each other
and could both recognize mutual trust
and share
and be parental to the emotions
i am even more able to postpone my reactions of anger to my kids
-although today i was triggered into reacting stupidly again-
and take responsibility
you have opened a space in me
you within

I savor all these lines - edited somewhat - with great delight.
Now I want to insert an input.
YOu didn't tell me how old your children are.
But looking at them, I believe they can already be partners to your healing.
What I do, when I "react stupidly", i.e. when I yell at my grandchildren, is this:
After I'll have calmed down, I'll go to him/her/them and remind them,
what I'm teaching them over and over again,
that they were the trigger, but the gunpowder was mine.
I often ask for forgiveness,
but never without rehearsing with them that theory,
hoping that some day they can apply this
to more than the situation between me and them.
My purpose is to make absolutely sure,
that they don't take the blame upon themselves.


When I was a kid and a teenager and a young woman,
I was almost literally climbing the walls with reproaches against myself:
"Why have I angered my mother again.
Why am I so bad."
This continuous wallowing in self-blame,
this adopting all my mother's "stupid reactions" (what an euphemism!)
as pointing out my devilish sins,
was , of course, nourished by the Protestant upbringing
which preached that I was nothing but a worm , dust and ashes.
This at least is not imprinted in the psychae of my grandchildren.
I don't ever want them to look into the mirror
and search for the devil's horns on their heads.
I told you, I did that, I didn't tell you,
that I did it as late as on my 18th birthday.

I was in England and had dared "to share" with my mother
that I was in love with a boy.
The answer I got caused me to look into that mirror....


Today I have this double guilt:
when I trigger someone - I feel guilty,
and when I tell someone, that I was triggered by him/her,
- I also feel guilty.
So I do what I can to not burden the kids with any blame,
but without demanding from myself to be not triggered by them.

This doesn't mean, that I am not reproaching them sometimes.
But this is very different from reacting out of being triggered.
i release the judgment
that any emotion i have been feeling lately is unbearable
i can bear it all

i release the judgment
that any emotion i have been feeling lately is unbearable
i can bear it all
what it is to be on this world and find NO AFFINITY with no one
I am sad, I thought you had found it with me.
YES
and now i can rage about it
because you understand me
i can rage about all this lost time
and all the pain that went there


an arab lady from taibe...

why is this connected to the "no affinity"?

first it is so important here that i feel i can love
i can love more

then
the affinity is to be able to exchange this love
and here she cannot
in any way
and naturally that's ok
but now i can with you
and it cannot yet be love that meets love

Why?

so why can't i meet you on the inside
sometimes i try to curl into your arms
i try and try and try
and even stop trying
and shout FEEL ME!!!
as this song of the WHO: see me, feel me, touch me, heal me..........
HEAR THIS

I am hearing, Mar, but if you were me,
you would demand from me
to give you specific stories instead of all these generalizations,
which tempt you to wallow in feelings instead of healing them.

i am not a storyteller here
(although i tell them well)
that is maybe a shortcoming of mine
you trigger me
and the emotions come along
they have no story
i link them through memory and emotional-linkages

then emotions transform
or become lighter/heavier
then i jump upon another emotion-train that comes along
and follow the lead there
every emotion has images
and things go too quick
i don't feel i have the time-or the need-
to explain each image
but i'll try more
because you may be right
often i have no stories
maybe i should invent them
and sometimes i do
i don't give you generalizations
i'll try to be more concrete
because maybe this is a way to avoid something
to avoid healing
and i still can't love/receive love absolutely
i still cannot believe i am lovable

i release the judgment that i am not lovable
and i release the thought that there is a danger in being loved
i accept that it is the only thing in life i really want
and this is to be loved
and i am not ashamed of this anymore
it is not a weakness of wanting to be loved

but i am not a child now

and i am not overridden

and i have power

and i respect myself

my needs

my need for love

my deep craving for love

my immense craving

i'm starting to see something new here
i've denied my feelings
of being overridden/burdened/MUTSAF [flooded]
by you,
your long letter,
your stories,
R. etc...
in short your emotions
and stories
and yes you are right
i put you outside as i was getting squashed
did not or only little response to you and your issues and feelings
and used you to become triggered
about all the issues that came up in me
and the emotions were strenghtened and made even bigger
by this need of me to 'keep my space'
and the fear to be overridden by this

I release the judgment that my space is threatened
I release the judgment that my space is limited
i release the belief that i will have no space to express myself
if someone else expresses him/herself
my space for myself is unlimited
my space is not threatened by someone loving me
love doesn't threaten my space

i am back
please love me
i love you
my beloved
i will fight no more
My beloved

Amen

 

2003_05_25 – 23:02
attached are the first photos of Titorah Hill and Tout tree, the mulberry candelabra

It is 23:01 and I dare to send this now,
but there is no need to read it tonight.

YOU, MAR, YOU

Today I was searching for an image of El-Arish, the town,
and among the some 40, Google brought up,
there was a photo of a young man, a German,
with a beard similar to yours
called "Mar-", with a - .....

I'm waiting for your response to my "urgent" letter.

But I am also becoming more and more vigilant
as to the passing of our "appointed time".
To savor every day, every hour
and drink the chalice of delight as slowly, wholly as possible,
I came up with a little idea for myself:
I'll walk/run up my hill every evening (takes - back and fro - 20 minutes)
and photograph that menorah tree
- a mulberry tree as I did find out now -
from always the same spot
- my arms lifted with the camera high above my head
to get it into the best focus -
and at always the same minute.
Today it was 19:36, about 5 minutes after sunset.
But since we are moving towards the summer solstice,
I may catch the setting sun in a few days from now.

And I'll attach this photo to my daily letter to YOU.
Today, and only today, I attach some other newest photos,
which should give you an idea
a) of the mulberry tree from a closer perspective,
with a dove sitting this way and that way
b) the sunset last Thursday,
from the spot on the dust road next to the mulberry tree
c) the view I see when I turn east in the early morning
- the road to Jerusalem,
the settlement Maccabim and the first houses of Modiin .
(mine is the fifth in the road closest to the hill , but hidden behind a school)

I cannot sense or feel, if this idea will "speak" to you.
It would make me happy, if it would.
But if not, let me send you my daily menorah anyway,
it will not squash you, as my stories do.

[This following was experienced in reaction and response to your "wallowing" letter,
and written yesterday morning,
before I responded to your response to my response,
which you called
from without to within.......time and space love and hate,]

Amazing

I completed my response exactly in time, at 23:29.
At 23:30 "the angels" threw me into an Indian movie, Kama Sutra,
to show me:
"There is one point you miss in what he is sharing with you.
And you better open your eyes to see it:

A man's hatred for a woman (and women in general,)
for making him feel devoured by her and dependant on her.
The Indian version of an old theme plays in the 16. century.
It is rich and complex, but the focus for me was this:
a sculptor, immersed in his art, feels side-tracked by a woman.
The woman had let go of her trauma in the past
and surrendered totally to loving this man.
"It can't be", he says, in torture,
"I want to work.
Instead I see you.
I see you everywhere.
Everything has become you.
We can't be together. Go away."
She goes.
The king sees his sculpture.
"OH, I wished I could kiss this skin."
"I have kissed it", mumbles Jay.
The king has the power to discover Maya
and bring her to his court as courtesan.
Jay, plagued with remorse and regret, finds her,
is rejected, pleads for forgiveness, is rejected,
grows and is finally forgiven and loved.
But it is too late.
The king finds out.
Maya sees her love one more time:
sculpting a rock high above an abyss,
his wrists and ankles in fetters and blood.
To save him from death she comes back to the king.
But he wants not only her body, he demands her heart.
And she would never be permitted to see her love again.
She is ready for this sacrifice,
but the king - embracing her - feels she is not there.
He casts her off, tramples her.
And all through this pleading with the ruthless king,
there is the parallel scene
of how the sculptor in chains is dragged through town,
a spectacle for the crowds always hungry for emotions,
dragged by an elefant to his death.

The sculptor was true to himself and very lovable,
I couldn't help seeing you in him.

His terror of being distracted by loving and being loved,
his terror of being dependent, no longer his own master,
hit me.
Maybe a woman is different, maybe I am different.
I had no "frame of reference" for this terror of a man.
I now remember vaguely - the stories in RUOW:
"God" had this fury about his "needing" the Mother.