Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "search"]

As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire:
to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life
and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth
by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!

How
Learn
And

I
The
Train

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk among each other,
and he listens      and he hears
yatakaalamuna     allathina     yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri        va-yasma'
Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht      und er hoert
Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent l'un a l'autre
il entends,        il ecoute

 

 

 

 

Bringing Heaven to Earth

pp9
"Original Heart foresaw a world
of dense forms and incredible beauty,
of trees and water, sky and sun,
all types of plants and creatures
in which it would
someday dwell with peers.

Original Heart foresaw the world of the first attention
as its home in manifestation.

The very world
that most spirits have despised
because of its present harshness, pain, and limitations ~
is the world
where Original Heart wishes to express
its greatness as one whole being ~
in Body,
in manifestation with others just like itself.

 

"The information in the four steps,
this class, and the healing class
is designed to help you understand
and succeed at the task at hand ~
bringing Heaven to Earth.
It's not the other way around,
although it certainly has seemed to be.

" Heaven has been seen as the place to go
to get away from here.
Death has been the result of this,
not the cause.

"The times are soon to change,
and they will be changing
because humans
fully embodying Spirit and Will as New Heart
will be here changing them.

 

"There is a present paradigm in the first attention
that is indeed limiting and confining,
and that is set to provide a few with the powers of manifestation
at the expense and suffering of many.
This reality will change as the paradigm shifts.
Once a few of those doing the healing work
have succeeded in bringing themselves
to wholeness,
the 'how' of manifestation will begin anew on Earth.

 

"The New Magic will begin
with subtle shifts in the dominant paradigm
or 'shared thought forms' of the first attention.

"These paradigm shifts will open
more space and acceptance
for more wholeness.

"As wholeness in individuals increases,
and more of this wholeness is expressed
through the 'how' of manifestation ~
more space will be opened,
and in this way
Heaven will be gently landing here.

 

"There will be bumps in this landing, of course.
There already have been some nasty ones ~
but the most serious bumps will be those
experienced by the first few
to fully manifest
New Heart in Body.
But once momentum has developed,
the movement toward wholeness of being
will spread quickly and easily.

 

pp28
"Those who are among the first to find their own wholeness
will have to face the reflection of a first attention
that completely denies them
and their reality of wholeness.
Their perseverance in what they know is right
despite little or no outer support
will enable the next wave
to ground their wholeness
in the same way the first few have done,
and so on ~
as the number of those
completely embodying New Heart in the first attention
grows.

 

"The growing presence of wholeness in the first attention
will provide an ever-expanding 'landing ground'
as Spirit finds and unites
with the previously lost parts of the Mother here on Earth ~
until Heaven is fully present here in its new home.

"The Will movement
that brings you each step toward wholeness
also brings a shift away from the present paradigm of the first attention ~
and toward the next paradigm,
the full manifestation of
Heaven on Earth.

 

"As this movement spreads to all those
who wish life and love and wholeness
for themselves and all others,
life will become the default condition for humans on Earth.
Death will still be an option available to those
whose Wills choose it, of course ~
but eventually the healing here
will be so profound
that no Will would choose it.

 

"The important choice
at this stage of the healing
is the choice to ground in the first attention.
The 'ordinary world',

"the everyday world
of pain and suffering,
of dullness and drudgery,
this is the world that needs healing.

"The second attention has been there forever,
and will always be there.
However, it cannot come to Earth
if there is no Will to ground it
here in the first attention.

.......

 

[Continuation of my letter to Mar 2003_05_25 – 23:02]

This is the point I missed in reading you.
I cannot help you, but I can see you now.
I shall not deny you there, leave alone judge you.

This point was compounded by another aspect,
which I saw all too well.
I call it the Toulouse Lautrec HOLE.

20 years ago I saw a 3 hrs movie about this man's life.
I see myself walking out from the Cinematec in Tel-Aviv with Mona,
terribly shaken by the last scene.
A beautiful woman came into this man's life and loved him.
Loved him with all her heart, "as women do", I want to add.

[Maybe, when you threw me into one bucket with all your women
and suspected "their/your agenda", and "what they/you are after",
you meant just this: our surrender, our abandon to love,
our relinquishing control , our discarding former priorities,
our not heeding the warnings from our vulnerability.]

But the artist, a dwarf, could not believe the woman's love.
To disentangle himself from his dependency on "this illusion"
he got himself so worked up in frenzy and fury,
that he fell down the spiral steps in his house,
and he fell and spiraled and fell and fell to his death.

I know I cannot help you in this.
I can only see you and hear you
- awakened, compassionate, Being-Space.
And I can show you:
I'm having a parallel predicament.

Yours is: "I am not enough,
I don't deserve love!
Mine is: "I am too much,
everyone shuns touch."

The orchestration of our mutual healing is breath taking.
My recoiling, caused by your former letter, made me see:
The practical solution I had found - in that unsent letter-
for letting my volcano erupt freely for once,
but not destroying You and our relationship,
was not healing my "frozen need" for a human chalice
who would receive and contain my abundance.

I want to sell you this Reevaluation Counceling term
"Frozen Need".
The example always was:
Assume a boy didn't get the love from his mother he needed.
He'll search for it all his life.
He'll see a mother in every woman he meets.
He'll try to fulfil his frozen need and never succeed.
The only thing that can be done with a frozen need,
is to be aware and to "discharge" it time and again,
and NOT act on it.

Your frozen need is for someone who would love you for what you are,
not because of anyone's "agenda".
[This is not yet exact, maybe you can point it out better]
My frozen need is for someone who would receive my abundance
and not be "squashed" by it - your word in this letter.

May I leave your part now and talk about mine?

GC [Godchannel] (CG? Christa Guth) - says somewhere,
that the deepest yearning of everyone is
"to be received".



[Today, Oct. 22, I can't find this specific file, but I came across .spirit2 -
the first passages about Spirit doing everything to be received by the Mother,
is still vitally relevant for me and not enough internalized and assimilated by me...]



And that especially the first of those pioneers,
who are committed to balance Spirit and Will in Heart in Body-
will "not be received".



[A few minutes later I did find the file!
except that the phrasing is negative: "to be totally denied".
"Those who are among the first to find their own wholeness
will have to face the reflection of a first attention
that completely denies them
and their reality of wholeness.


I'm so happy to have re-found this chapter
and therefore will quote it in the left frame,
and also - from now link to it the word "Heaven" on top of each Kisslog page]



My trauma of not being received produces things like:
going out of my mind if someone, a grownup or a child,
does not look at me, when I talk,
or - God forbid - interrupts me with something not relevant.

[This is exactly what happened with poor Arnon
during our Succot celebration in the desert [ see finetuning on Oct.15]


Israelis do this by nature, but that only makes it worse.
I'm highly vigilant before I even allow myself to talk,
and usually it's not even about myself but about the person/s involved.
Despite my ardent wish to NOT tell you stories,
here is one that ruthlessly pushes through all makhsomim [barriers]:

ONce, 2 1/2 years ago at Shoham, where I lived then with Immanuel,
we were all together, his kids, Efrat
and Micha's family (with Ra'ayah, Arnon and Ayelet).
IN a certain context I remembered and told a story about little Micha,
which was not only cute, but - as with Rachel always - had a message.

Ra'ayah wasn't listening, which was bad enough.
But then - without any sensitivity to what was going on in the room
blurted, what was on her mind that minute:
"Micha, your son wants to eat!"

I went into a fit as never before.
I yelled, I left the room, I threw myself on a bed, I sobbed.
All in front of my grandchildren...

First trigger - she had not received me, she had interrupted me,
and interrupted me in a story not about me, but about her husband.

Second trigger - unlike me she found it perfectly alright,
that little Arnon, who had discarded all food at dinner,
suddenly remembered he now was ready to eat.

Third trigger - that despite all our former communication about this -
she again bossed Micha around, why couldn't she feed her son herself?
[which is, of course, Micha's fault,
but it still makes me mad, when she does it]
(Please don't let this scene imprint on you any image of my daughter-in-love)

It took two months,
until we could talk again about more than technical things.
And we never again since then dared to enter any deep communication.

David, who was truly receiving me in general,
once dared to not "pay attention".
[It was, when we sat down in the plane taking off from Marseille,
after we had been a second time in Montsegur
following a wedding of our friend in Bruxelles, to which all 3 of us went,
but the explosion came soon enough and Eilat rushed back to Israel.]
At that moment he found a formula to help me:
"What if you would say "play attention" instead of "pay attention"?"
This was the more surprising, as David has a phobia of talking English.

I tried it, tried it often - to no avail.
Only this week it happened that I made a scene and a menacing speech,
when Yael wanted to say to Arnon something important,
and he, though having agreed to listen,
continued to be busy with his activity.

My hole is so virulent,
that I do not only suffer
when I'm not being received myself.
What is even much more unbearable,
that I project this hole on everyone around me,
and woe , if I am around people
who do not listen to each other.
I feel such physical pain in my chest,
such choking in my throat,
it is as if I could not go on breathing.

"But I'm listening", Arnon said.
How often did I hear this from children, pupils, friends.
I then say:
"I believe, you are listening.
But if I don't get your eyes, I just cannot talk.
I need your total attention
to be able to communicate in a way that it will be meaningful for you."

2003_05_26 – 0:07

Thank you for letting me know.
Within
M

----- Original Message -----
: Sunday, May 25, 2003 11:44 PM
Subject: nothing today

sorry
no responses today
tomorrow

the secrets are non existant now
i have to work

love

M

 

Monday, May 26, 2003 3:05 PM
Subject: another quick one

just a quick word
to say i'm in turmoil (again??!!)
i cannot yet answer all your mails
nor immerse myself in them and let myself feed on them
i cannot be a good listener now
neither concentrate on letting myself be selectively triggered
my whole life is one trigger now
i know this is general
i'll be more specific later

one good news is that yesterday
in voice-mevement therapy
i finally cried my heart out
i cried of pain
and it made me very happy
it's a situation where i'm not alone
and am in one long constant trigger
the only thing i know to do is to look at it
and shout whenever i'm alone
but i don't understand it
maybe later i will have the opportunity to respond
or continue with a monologue
and try to work with you

and you are right to fear i am not doing the work

but this is what i can do

i am torn from the inside
facing something i feel utterly powerless to handle

i try to have trust in the process
but i see no issue
and i feel no issue
just panic
>
and when i panic
it is so difficult for me to work

this must be terror

and also
i am now physically sick-
tired and flew-like symptoms

so i will talk
later

when i write now i am slightly calmed

thanks

M

i'm going to sleep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2003_05_26 – 15:16 [is this Rachel or Mar?]

Thank you for not leaving me alone in my worrying and yearning.
Though I would totally understand and accept,
if you now couldn't write for a whole week.
I devoured your letter, will soon read it again, each line.
I needed this "another quick one" so much, so much.

My (long) Thursday letter, updated, completed in the first 2 morning hours,
is ready to be mailed
[I quoted this letter about my "Lava-Streams of Writing " mainly on Oct. 19].
Not to be read, just to be stored away.
Tell me next time, tonight, tomorrow, if I can send it.
For me it's like having brought a chapter
(mine! not yours, not ours)
to an end.

Thank you again and again,
and if I am permitted to still hug you - virtually -
then don't shake me off
too soon.

M [who is M? Mar-Y-am?]

 

2003_05_26 – 16:07

to say i'm in turmoil
i cannot yet answer all your mails

don't

nor immerse myself in them

don't

and let myself feed on them

don't
i cannot be a good listener now

let's listen together to YOU now,
I am totally free at present, for I've done the work that was "up".

neither concentrate on letting myself be selectively triggered
my whole life is one trigger now

I know, I feel, I sense it

one good news is that yesterday
in voice-movement therapy
i finally cried my heart out
i cried of pain
and it made me very happy

me too

it's a situation where i'm not alone
and am in one long constant trigger
the only thing i know to do is to look at it

yes

and shout whenever i'm alone

yes

but i don't understand it
maybe later i will have the opportunity to respond

Again: it's not the time to respond to me,
it's the time for us to respond together to YOU.

or continue with a monologue

I'll receive it with all my heart and soul and body.
But try to be concrete and specific,
Just try! no need to succeed!

and try to work with you

and you are right to fear i am not doing the work

I feared , when you asked me to aggravate the secrecy.
But you stopped running into that direction, immediately.
Or maybe, you attracted an exterior event which stopped it.
It doesn't matter, in either case You are parental.

but this is what i can do

i am torn from the inside

torn???

facing something i feel utterly powerless to handle

something???

i try to have trust in the process
but i see no issue

not the faintest one?

and i feel no issue
just panic

not a single monster to pin down?

and when i panic
it is so difficult for me to work

do not work, but move,
move Body, sound Voice,
run up a mountain,
jog around the block,
throw yourself into a pool,
dance like a witch,
and if you can't get up from bed,
contract and relax your eyelids,
weekly, strongly, alternating,
the same with your mouth,
your bladder and anus,
or contract all muscles at once,
as strongly and for as long as you can,
relax and do it again
and breathe, breathe, breathe!

this must be terror

yes

and also
i am now physically sick-
tired and flue-like symptoms

because everything is too much,
so Body forces you to slow down,

so i will talk
later

only if you really feel like it

when i write now i am slightly calmed

I am glad

thanks

M

i'm going to sleep
numa, numa, yaldi ["sleep, sleep, my child"]
M

 

2003_05_26 – 22:30

This came 5 minutes after I sent you music for your soul.
I started to wonder, what it means,
that we both made a new step at the same time
towards Healing through Sound .

respite

I'm breathing with you

at least some

there was a storm -inside and outside

the outside has shown me the wrongness of my ways

so i have seen it

Yes

and i have accepted this

Yes

(although i could not do better, I know)

Yes

some guilt on the pain given

still no understanding as to why
why am i so filled with fear

fear of what,
of the consequences of your secrecy-security pattern,
or of the impact of your intensive with Maryam on E.?
[by the way, E.2000 years ago was the elderly friend of Miriam,
and pregnant in the sixth month, when the Bastard incarnated in Miriam]

so i don't feel as if i've learned something

I remind you of the famous analogy of the spiral

except that outside is ready to work

Please phrase this less impersonally.
Who is ready to work, you and E. - together?

and give me the benefit of the doubt,

this I didn't understand

because your 4 alephim are at stake here
[there can be ahavah-love, when there is emoun-trust,
there can be emoun-trust, when there is aemat-truth,
there can be aemat-truth, when there is ometz-courage,
there can be ometz-courage, when one knows how to move fear]

and i have done wrong

you have! a fact, not a judgment.
Which means you have worked against your own self-interest

and inside has been surprised by some of its blindness

enjoy that now your eyes are open and I enjoy it with you

and maybe there is some reception here
of me

Again this impersonal phrasing.

It's like saying "you", when you mean "I".
You mean, E. has more reception for you than you feared?

which i didn't believe in

You see?
Wasn't I patient to not have pushed you towards seeing this before?
Patient to wait until right time would come for you?
How relieved and happy am I,
that you took this dissonance from me.

until now
i have build myself
i have created myself
through closing-in and protecting my heart
so that many of my presents
(you as one of them) were kept secret or well protected

and i have to learn to undo secrets
one by one

Yes, yes, yes!

(well really there aren't that many)

and like you so correctly suggested: maybe i haven't really changed
but i do what i can

I feel uneasy with the way you reflect back to me, what i said,
I hear a judgment in "Maybe you don't do the work",
and "maybe you haven't really changed."

This is tearing my sentences out of their context.
Judging you would be the last thing on my mind.
But the distortion in the way you quote me,
helps me to state this:

"Let go of asking, if you do the work or don't.
Let go of asking, if you have changed or will change."

It's not the point.

Your commitment is the point.

And I am witness to this commitment.

And I am your peer and partner in fulfilling this commitment.

And E. will be too, once you'll consider the possibility,
that you can do the same work with her that you can do with me.
Though I don't know her, I have this strong feeling, that this is so.
You would not have chosen her - metaphysically, if not physically-
if it were otherwise.
This is not a time-period to fool around with unfitting partners.
You only have to see - as in the famous story -
that the treasure, you are promised and you are seeking,
is hidden under your own stove.

yes you are permitted to hug
and all our letters will now be in the open (if that is ok for you)

this pleases me immensely

and thank you for being there
and sorry i cannot give you more of the process
because yes it is tiring
and either i'll have time in the next few days to go through them
(and i know i don't have to)
or there's already another storm waiting around the corner
arghhh (not as the castle of aaarghhhh of monty python's holy grail,
which is by the way downloadable at KAZAA)
but as in a cry of "no not again....."
truth is i'm a little fed up with this intensity

Are you? Well, your Higher Self tells you,
that you wouldn't really choose something else,
because you know, it's efficient,
but that you are allowed to whince and whine
hug

yes

and more

yes

and send me the letter

separately

Know, that the player is simply quicktime, nothing to download,
but it doesn't open automatically, you have to click on the slider
and then there is a buffer of some seconds in the beginning.
I still haven't succeeded in downloading Kazaa, I'll try again now.
I've more patience tonight than usual,
after I feel so satisfied with the completion of my page
"Flight to Egypt" (in "Desert Vision")
and the healing this creation has provided.

2003_05_26 – 22:38

To YOU, WHO ARE not a CHALICE to CONTAIN ME

What a title for my Thursday letter 4 days ago was this,
before I inserted now the grey NOT into the purple wishful thinking?

It is Monday now - 42 days yet - to cope with this - NOT ALONE.
I bow my head in humble gratefulness,
that I was able to create you in my life
so as to - maybe - truly come to terms with my TOO MUCH.
1) It's you who stimulates the volcano to spit out more than usual

2) It's you who trust me so much,
that you can move your "mutzaf" [being flooded] in my presence

3) It's you whom I trust so much,
that I can move my "naekhnaq" [being suffocated] in your presence.

i've denied my feelings
of being overridden/
burdened/
MUTSAF
by you, your long letter, your stories, R. etc...
in short your emotions and stories
and yes you are right
i put you outside as i was getting squashed
did not or only little response to you and your issues and feelings
and used you to become triggered
about all the issues that came up in me
and the emotions
were strenghtened
and made even bigger
by this need of me to 'keep my space'
and the fear to be overridden
by this
(and this is why the alarm went off in my home..
threat to my space)

 

There was a bandage of grace over my eyes,
so that I just didn't see your "mutzaf" [flooded] movement
until some minutes before I ended my last letter,
and sent it before you told me,
that secrecy was uplifted,
and that therefore you had to work.

What could make me happier than this:
that you now do the work in your real life,
with your real, not your virtual, beloved.

And I still felt this happiness this morning,
though facing an e-mail box empty of YOU.
But I also feel the impact of the mutzaf trigger,
which I attracted,
not "to point out a hole in my wholeness that now wants to be healed",
because I had already pointed it out myself so     p a i n s takingly ,
in the letter I had written on Shabbat and sent yesterday,
and in the "volcano-letter", which I wrote on Thursday
and which I'm going to send to you after all.
I attracted this trigger from YOU,
because once you'll be balanced with me
as an additional, temporary "ring" in the partnership with your wife,
you'll be the loving, compassionate, though temporary space,
in which all the pain about my "too much"
will be not only voiced by me,
but received by YOU.

See the difference:
You will not and must not and can not receive my TOO MUCH,
but you can and will receive my pain about this TOO MUCH.

Now , since I let go of this purple chalice fantasy,
and until I'll be really able to heal this hole,
gapping in me since eternity, maybe from the beginning of Creation,
I'll try out a new practical modus vivendi:

1) I'll not prevent myself from directing Thursday's "chalice-lava"
towards you.
For if I would, I would feel as if sacrificing my own need to your need.

2) The practical goal - as differentiated from healing that ancient hole -
must be,
to transform the explosive energy already while inside the volcano,
so it will not have to erupt and squash you with fire, lava, ashes.
For there cannot be any benivolent eruption,
if I take this volcano image seriously.

3) The practical, presently possible, way to do this,
is to USE my site , which obviously was created for this purpose all along,
and "to deposit" on it as many of my stories, as I can in these 42 days,
taking advantage of the incredible creativity
which the actualized, activated Loving/BeingLoved is pouring into me.
There it's not bothering anyone.
If a visitor , including you, should dread being squashed,
he, you, will just back off, leave me there, no damage done.

4) Parallel to this I'll do as much healing work with you
as our appointed time allows for.
I'll try to make this working with you more effective,
by following closely the flow and details of our dialog,
as differentiated from letting myself be stimulated=tempted
to take off into stories and analytic, systematic thinking.
If stories should pour out of me despite all my intent and focus,
I'll be compassionate towards myself
and ask YOU to be compassionate too.

Now the letter, written on Thursday, 2003_05_22, from 9:15 onward,


To YOU, WHO ARE a CHALICE to CONTAIN ME

I got angry, while swimming:
Why should I feel so guilty , so afraid even of YOU,
because of the flood of my writing?
There are millions of books containing 300 pages,
though their content could be said in a single one.
Why do I attract only shame and blame,
when I compress 300 pages in one,
but having to pour out 300 000,
the result is still a flood that drowns?


Memory:
During the 18 months of unbearable depression, 1972-1973,
my friend Yanina (will be NOT mentioned again soon),
suggested that I seek help from a therapist she knew.
She worked with me until I had the courage to approach Rafael,
and to not succumb, until he permitted it and paid the fee.
The first meeting was wonder,wonder,wonderful.
I felt, I deserved to be listened to, because I paid.
After the third time things really moved in me
and I wrote pages and pages on my type-writer
and gave them all to the therapist.
When we met after that, he said with no compassion, something like:

"What is all this writeritis!!!"

He added another terrible blunder:

"Now I know what your problem is:
You can't get along with the people in your life!"

I had come to him with my one and overall predicament,
"that I am not doing what I am supposed to do in this world",
meaning my cursed vocation.
He could not relate to this kind of predicament
and searched until he could catch me in what was familiar to him.
I left the "therapy" and bore the ridicule of my husband,
who "of course knew it all along, that therapy was crap",
and ma pit'om [why all of a sudden] would I need it anyway.

I enter my flat, take out my wet things to dry them,
and find --- the key of Ronnit's car,
which I parked passing by the pool from the kids' school.
Not only did I forget - which happened before -
that this time I'm not to walk as usually, but take the car,
I didn't perceive anything in the exterior world on my walk back.
It was already quite an effort to merge the two channels
my Thursday morning job with Ronnit's kids
and my escalating, maddening, exhilarating dialog with you,
into a good stereo performance.
But once I started to swim, I forgot time altogether,
Usually I want to get out after 25 -30 minutes,
today my eyes crossed the big clock after 45 minutes
and I still wanted to go on and swim and splash,
mostly under water and on the back ,
and
tell you stories.
I forgot myself under the shower,
I forgot to do the reflexology kind of drying my feet,
I remember rushing past the guard without waving shalom,
and then I don't remember anything.

Is this right - to let myself get carried away like that,
carried away with this violent eruption of my volcano,
brimming over with fire and lava and ashes,
though not to destroy but hoping to bring joy,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and the fear ~~~~ strangles ~~~~ my throat.
"Who'd you think you are!
What megalomania!
Who could ever take your abundance,
leave alone receive it as a gift for himself.
Not even your friend will be able to take this much longer,
you are suffocating him,
again and again and again
taking his space instead of doing what you want,
which is one thing and one thing only:
to be a space for him in which he can grow."

Maybe, my father, brother, son - everything to me,
you could help me to carry out a practical solution,
which came to me while swimming.
I would be able to brim over, without restrain,
both in quantity and in transparency
and I would not have to fear,
that I'm overwhelming, overbearing, overriding for YOU.

For "Love" for me is both:
being (not making) a space, in which the beloved can grow
being a boundary, against which the beloved one can grow

Not putting limits, but being limits
by the way I am difficult for you, triggering you, frustrating you,
never ever giving you all you really need
and rarely giving it in the proper homoepathic quantity.

The solution I suggest is:
I'll diffentiate between writing direct and specific responses to your letters,
and "brimming over stories" from my volcano,
which may not be directly relevant to you, or even not relevant at all,
but might still be a "reserve",
a stock to draw from in times yet to come in your life.
The "subject" for this kind of e-mails would be "volcano",
and it would mean, that you may just store them away,
with no pressure of needing to read them, leave alone relate to them.

If you would thus calm my terror of squashing you,
I could really fly off and be myself not only in essence ,
which I am with those people I allow into my life,
but in quantity, in quantity, in quantity,
and for once not to hold back
for I see only now, how much, in fact, I've been restraining myself on my site,
concerning "transparency",
while with you I am totally free, with no caution or restraint,
concerning "transparency".

To make you understand and even feel my terror
concerning "quantity",
let me tell you, that I once had a friend, in 1962,
who, during his studies, had to produce a Rorschach-test
and did this with me.
I remember, how I started to associate things to the shapes,
but was carried away into endless realms.
After some weeks I was wondering,
that my friend wasn't mentioning the result of that test.
When he did answer, I saw, he was terribly embarrassed.
His teacher had said, that the test-person was "crazy".
Strangely enough, I wasn't triggered, but smiled.

In those and later years,
I was in terror of becoming mentally ill one day,
and I always knew, that I was walking a thin line.
Later I read:
Both, the normal and the crazy person struggle
to keep their heads out of the water,
the difference is, that the "normal" person succeeds,
how ever much effort it takes,
while the "crazy" drowns.
But the "indication",
which that professor of psychology found in my Rorschach-Test,
did not pertain to me.
I was not crazy there - in my volcano nor in my erupting.
But, yes, I needed and need to contain my abundance,
and the energy I invest in doing so, drains me,
and the triggers I cause, if I fail to contain it, throw me into hell time and again.
I cry now, Mar, do caress my hair~~~
I sob , I'll go and let the singing-dancing deepen my breathing.

Oh, this was so wonderful,
thanks to Jeanne White Eagle and John for the gift of this WAY.

Though I've often been singing to my dancing before,
this is what I needed without knowing it:
On the one hand
my singing becomes daring
in volume and variety,
on the other hand
my singing evolves through listening,
listening in order to tune in into the singing of the others,
rejoicing when creating harmony, or smiling when creating disharmony

And I had a great idea, a really gorgeous, sumptuous, splendid idea, my friend.
But be patient, first one more self-triggering story about my "Too Much"
(which does not contradict the "Not Enough",
my former feelings of inadaquacy):

In recent years,
when coping with the always impending outbreak of my volcano,

(Victor Barr yesterday:
"One could see, that you didn't have any visitors for a long time,
otherwise you would not have gone into that monologue
when we were here."
I was triggered - again - not by his view of me,
but by the fact, that I, indeed, had not created the kind of communication with Victor, Jeanne and John,
where everyone in a circle takes an active part ,
which has always been a vital desire, a great effort
and even an impressive skill for mine,

Just imagine my ten years of teaching teachers,
the many hundreds of meetings and workshops
during the 5 1/2 years of Partnership,
and the years towards and in the Succah, ,
and the hundreds of team meetings,
meals and celebrations with guests, workshops,
encounters with visitors day after day,
meetings with officials and people I needed to win over ,
all over Israel, even Europe and the USA
and most of it continued in Sinai, in Eilat, in Metzuqe Dragot, in Ein-Gedi,
just to mention the main settings.
I needed to justify myself, and tell him, Victor,
that this failure to do what I wanted to do,
was not at all the result of my alone-ness,
which I've chosen,
because alone-ness is what I need at this stage of my life
but a basic need, frustrated even in times,
when I dotted down 3 new addresses per day.)

How often did I tell myself:
Look at "God"! He certainly has abundance ( "shefa" in Hebrew ).
But he doesn't just brim over, spill it on everyone on earth.
He contains it and hands it out in little bits and pieces
in homeopathic doses,
in different ways for different people
in different places
at different time-periods
sometimes packed in a hard nutshell, like the Shma' Yisrael,
which people can touch with their hands,
wrap it around their fingers and forehead,
say it with their breath and voice twice a day,
and still not understand anything of the nut in the shell,
but passing it on for 2000 years as a gift for me, me, to enjoy it.

So why can I not do the same,
why can I not contain,
why all this pain from restrain,
like that woman in a Nazi camp, who was about to give birth,
but they tied her up, to do scientific research about who would die first,
the mother or the child.
(a horrible, horrifying scene, described in GC, which made God see,
-can you believe, it was only then, that "he" saw,
that something was totally and absolutely wrong with him, God.)

Forgiveness for this comparison! Please, forgive.
but I will not delete it

I'm sobbing again.
Oh Mar, thank you for giving me this chance to touch so much pain,
I have worked on my site for 700 days
only to be found by one single peer,
YOU,

and now that You are with me, even if only for a short time,
I don't need my site any longer,
(I've since then gone into the other direction, as you saw:
I need it even more now!)
it was a space, I was grateful for,
and it has become in itself a trigger, necessary for me,
all the pages, that are not completed,
Tomer, Jonathan, Avi Dror of the Succah, Water in the Desert Pages,
just to mention a few of the latest, on which I've worked,
but what a poor tool is it to create and share on a website
- or in a book, for that matter-
when I can nothing but imagine those,
whom I need to receive me
or whom I need to let themselves be aided by my own living and healing.
Now there is a real human, divine person
receiving me as who I am,
and letting me aid him in accepting who he is.
Why should I not grab this gift, this space, this chance
with a hundred hands and hearts,
and pour out my abundance, rejoicing, jubilating in the feeling of being free,
of being ME.

Provided -------------------------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you agree to my "practical solution",
which may put my terror of suffocating you
to rest.

Though I've already stressed it enough,
I'll tell you and myself one more time:
I needed to follow this direction with so much fervor,
only to find, that the direction is wrong.

And now the grand idea,
prompted by your info,
that you talked to two friends,
which pleases me immensely,
because you need to get support,
and not do this gigantic work all on your own.

The idea maybe also an alternative for the cave fantasy:

We'll have a "qol-tnu'ah" workshop, of one hour only:
dancing, singing, breathing
Declared purpose: to learn White Eagle's therapeutic tool.
You would bring your 2 (or more) friends,
and E., and maybe even your two children,
I'll try to get my daughter, and maybe some of the grandkids,
for I feel there should be kids and babies
and maybe my closest friends, Moshe, Tamir, Ya'aqov, Yuval, Ranni,
( - all male, all in their thirties or early forties, for a reason I cannot understand)
whom I have postponed reuniting with until August 15, my birthday,
and maybe, Immanuel and Efrat, whose birthday is on July 7,
would take part too.
(This passage gives me the pretext to finally justify myself
- against your opposition to my playing with the number 7:
I did not choose the seventh of July, ....
I was - a week ago -
looking for a date close to Immanuel's arrival at the sixth of July,
which would be meaningful and helpful,
if indeed we needed to accept, that we only had a short appointed time for us,
I thought of the Eve of the Eve of Tish'a be-Av,
the story with the cave and the comet's crash on Jupiter,
and there it was: on the seventh of the seventh.)

I thought of inviting Jeanne White Eagle and John and Victor,
but I'm not sure.
The rest of us will feel more comfortable with "leaders",
but also less self-confident, less daring to go on with the tool later.

There will be this rule:
No talking (exception: the kids),
no touching, except through the eyes.

The structure of the meeting will be laid out in e-mails
and tools to be used will be explained beforehand.
[as usual, I fantasized all the logistics and technicalities,
but delete them now - being too scared to bore, burden and trigger you even more]
You come in, to the sounds of the disc,
move into a circle, with eyes open or closed,
and I'll get you started in tuning in to the music,
singing only vocals or humming ,
standing still or dancing or spinning,

If we would be a group of 8,10, best 12 grownups,
we could have a "vigil" or "Marathon", dancing-singing without pauses.
Once the disc would end, we would go on singing without this aid.
whoever wants to rest, steps out and sits on some mattress or cushion,
and joins in again later,
while the others go on, incessantly singing and moving and feeling,
and - for those who want this - radiating this healing into the neighborhood, i.e. the World.
And then, after an hour, I'll stop the disc,
we'll stand in a circle, hold hands, in silence, look into each others eyes, if we dare
I'll open the door,
and you'll all leave in silence,
without parting from me by either glance or handshake.
And then que sera, sera.

Now I feel shaky again, another "bimui" [staging] of Rachel,
no wonder, I have produced this grandson Arnon,
with his never ending, ingenious bimuyim,
which already are getting on the nerves of some,
and he is not yet seven.

But, I'll not take it away, I'll only hide it in the "volcano" category.
So you might not even see it, and that will be right then.


There are 2 more stories I made up in the pool.
One:
I always head-jump into the water, when I start my swimming.
The guard must have watched this crooked jump for half a year,
until he came around and said:
"Geveret, you are jumping on your belly, that's not healthy"
"I know that, but I've tried to do better all my life and didn't succeed."
He showed me, I tried, I failed, I tried again, a bit better, I tried again: again worse.
I felt, what I always feel, when I'm supposed to perform a task, I'm afraid of,
in the presence of someone who either wants to teach me or needs the job done,
getting a driving wheel out of its lock, understanding something in computers,
I feel as if the guillotine would come done on me.
I said: "Thank you! I'll practise from now on."
Of course, every time this guy is on duty, I jump - with my innocence lost.
He'll watch me, he'll judge me,
and the worst projection....
he'll feel, he has given me something which I could not receive.

But having gone through this nano-ordeal for a week now,
it occurred to me today,
that it's not at all important that I become a skilled jumper.
My head should bend, and my knees stay straight.
But my knees are crooked, and my head rises up.
So what?
There is a chance to feel my shame ,
and to literally jump my shame
and to let my shame merge with the water.
Isn't that nice?


The volcano had an eruption of more than 3 hours,
but now, just before having to run to the pool, where I forgot the car,
and fetch the children and feed them and go to another pool with them,
to Neve-Shalom
(trigger, - sometime in the future you might open the Appendix Israel&Ismael>partnership>Neve-Shalom),
I want to at least put here the title of another story:
why is it, that there are now almost only men in my life,
opposed to the eighties, when no man could be seen?

Another story is about our issue with myth.
I became aware, that it's the 22nd of May,
the beginning of the Festival of the Gitans in Saintes Maries de la Mer.
And I

 

2003_05_26- 9:26

I'm troubled and intrigued by that elimination of your beggar-story.
Strangely you never commented on wiping off other lines of your letters.
How could it be,
that I so much yearn for stories from YOU,
and there finally is one,
and a good one as such,
and I delete it?
The conscious reason
- that I didn't want you to dwell on such an image of yours
- is bullshit.
You created this experience,
you identified with this image,
so who am I to deny you in this?

I still can't discern the slightest clue for this action.

And now I even cannot retrieve it.
I've changed my decision of deleting all our exchanges.
After all, I need a treasure-box too,
from which I can pick things to nourish me after our separation.
And since I'm now quite skilled
in weaving your and my letter together as one whole ,
in content and graphics,
I keep only my own letters,
hoping the space in my e-mail program can contain them all.
For transferring them to another program, either DreamWeaver or Word, ruins the colors.
This means, that if I delete something like the beggar-story, it will be lost,
until you retrieve it for me, as you suggested you would,
"if for any reason you may want them back".

So, please, search for the beggar story,
before it will be even more difficult to find it .

END

 

 

2003_05_27 – 16:15

How is it, that in all your turmoil
and in all the busy-ness of your exterior reality
and in all the tiredness of your body and soul,
you can send me these little gifts,
for which I yearn,
but discipline myself not to expect them
EVER!
I was just sculpting the following in the Tomer-pages,
when you sounded-in:
"For a while I said nothing, waiting for them to start swimming,
but then gestured with my hands: "Start doing your ten pools!"
Some ignorant person once said to me:
"But why don't you just let him play in the water?"
Yes, why?
Because Tomer would want to leave after 5 minutes.
Because Tomer would even refuse to go to the pool.
Because for Tomer, like for most people on earth,
is desirable only what is not available,
and once something is available it's not desired anymore.

That's why I loathe so much this country's birthday celebrations.
Tomer's classmates brought 25 gifts,
not to count the gifts from family.
Did he enjoy even one of them for more than a day or two? "

many many things

and little time

for somehow busyness

tiredness

(although i am feeling better)

work -the 3 clients came

will they continue?
are you working with them in Jerusalem ?
Did you feel excited or ready to start with them?
Did you get some contentment, satisfaction?
No need to answer now.
Just know, what I would naturally ask, IF...

is taking time

and now like you suggested
a delicate balancing has to take place
between me
me and E.

thank you for spelling out her name

me and you
and E. and you

and you are wise
i see this now even more
through all the process
through all the effort and the pain

i will find the time
to be with you
for i want to

i have found a lost small puppy today
I have taken him in

my children will give him a name

I feel tender and vulnerable
and that is good

may you not need shells any longer.
David called these "Shakhpatzim".
[some kind of body-protectinon for soldiers]

today i'll be busy till late
(my stove broke down - and we got a new one from a friend..)

but i will
be there

so will I

and listen

so will I

within

yes, within

and believe
and trust

I do

for it feels like growing from the fear off
into the unknown
of something else than the lies i was in

Mar

[Monday 23:38]

I feel ridiculous and ashamed .
First because I don't succeed in downloading the Kazaa site
I now asked Immanuel for help.
Second because I gave you stupid advice about how to open that Mozartgram,
which is as if a firstgrader would tell a PH.D. graduate how to solve a problem.

I don't dare to disturb you with my shame at this hour.
Because you might be in communication with E..

Writing this name, which you most of the time avoid spelling out,
I suddenly see the - mythical (forgive me!) - connection between E. and Miriam.
In this singular case I dislike the Hebrew original and prefer the international E.
(I hope, you pronounce this name in the French-German
and not in the English way)

E. belongs to my most favorite names,
The only French friend I ever had, was called E. Varet.
(Thanks, Rachel, for not squashing Mar with yet another story).


It's Tuesday , 12:01.
I can't overcome the urge to hint at two of my (emotional) associations to "E.".
Please bear with me.
ONe is connected to the biblical legend,
which I could scan in French and attach.
The content of this myth-parable would not mean anything to you now.
But there is a joyful biographical incident connected to this legend,
to which I want to drive backward with YOU.

For it's about time,
that we both focus on the blossoming islands
in our memory oceans of sticky liquid asphalt.

The other association has to do with St. E.,
or more exact - a legend from the 15. century attached to this historical figure.
E. von Thueringen, born on 7-7-1207 (!), daughter of a Hungarian king,
who died at the age of 24 and became a saint some years after,
is the "patron" of Thueringen (state in East Germany),
the home-country of my father.

As to that momentary appearance of a tiny island of roses
in my black asphalt Sea of the year 1961 (!)
and as to the relevance of St. E.'s "Rosen-wunder" -miracle of roses
for my survival as a young girl,
I shall to tell it only, if and once you'll be able to listen.

but i will
be there

so will I

and listen

so will I

within

yes, within

and believe
and trust

I do

MARYAM

[a pity I don't remember to what "miracle of roses in 1961 I referred,
for, of course, there never was a chance for Mar to listen to me..]

2003_05_28 – 7:16

To YOU WITHIN

I yearned for the in-sounding until midnight,
but felt, something good, even if painful, was evolving between you two,
and I forgot my intent to send the menorah before the date would change.
I woke up in the middle of the night, remembering.
But I waited until now.
So know, that the "od-41" [41 more days] refers to yesterday,
and I also made a mistake in writing "od-42" as subject to my letter yesterday.
It should have been already "od-41".

Forgive my "game",
but such structures help me immensely with my difficult living.

The number of days - minus one day - also parallels
what I feel-live with concern to Immanuel and Efrat.
My feeling is one of fear, not joy, which gives me guilt.

As soon as they were finally connected to the Internet,
they both wrote long letters,
mostly concerning their "intensive with Tomer",
and later launched a video chat with me.
It's how I saw a bit of Tomer, my sweetheart/bitterheart.
He could not really say anything,
and also the talk between us three was somehow not flowing.
One reason on my part was, that I imagined, how it would be,
if you and I would see and hear each other via webcam.
And I am glad, we cannot.

They are so stuck in the uncertainty and insecurity of their life,
money is running out, no legality to work, or even stay for much longer,
and most painful:
no health insurance any longer, therefore stop of fertility treatment.

Efrat is "given" - as her life's task now - a 8 year old,
and not a "normal" 8 year old,
and she must cope with her terror, that if she "invests too much",
she will be wounded to death,
once he'll be taken away again or "will turn her back on her", as she says.

To invest my whole heart, soul and virtual body in loving you,
knowing already and for certain,
that you will be taken away from me in 40 days,
is to feel-live - feelive - in the face of death,
is to LIVE.

From YOURS WITHIN

2003_05_28 – 22:53
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 8:32 AM
Subject: Re: 'od 41- but sent the next morning 7:16

Response 9:00; updated 22:20

I read you
although fast
and i am with you

i feel your pain
some tkiut [stuckness] here

but know again
i am there

yours
far but close

ever thankful

So am I , close though far and ever thankful
thankful to YOU as relating to ME
thankful to YOU as the world you let me touch,
YOU with E. and your children
and your worry for money a
nd your commitment to heal into wholeness
thankful also to my Higher Self or whatever,
for letting me have this part in
love
openness
end of lies
are evolving here
slowly
but openly
and the opening is widening slowly

it will probably be thursday or friday till i really find the time
to be with you for a few hours

Please, feel no pressure .
I am content with the "quick-ones".
If you want to take more time for writing,
then only, if you feel,
that this would enhance your process with E.
You don't need me now as Space for your "movement" any longer,
as much as I would desire to continue being that for you,
for you are creating this space with your wife
and that's how it should be.
And as to my need for you as such a Space,
you are being this Space,
even if it does not express in verbal responses to what I write,
and even if your mind and heart are occupied now.
I feel as that ring,
which is intertwined with yours
and enriched by all that is in your life.

Now here are two corrections of my letter this early morning:

"and I forgot my intent to send the menorah
before the date would change...
and I also made a mistake in writing "od-42" as subject to my letter yesterday.
It should have been already "od-41".
Forgive my "game",
but such structures help me immensely with my difficult living."


It should have been "such structuring".
While walking across the Titorah to the pool
a re-membrance of former insights swept over me:
How I, indeed, have been always so skillful
in structuring
space ,
time,
and - partly - also my abundance, or my volcano's fire-lava-ashes.
And how I am even able to structure my loving.

To contain the bounty of existence within boundaries
allows for consciousness to become aware
of what is there,
and consciousness of what is there
enables me to savor what is there,
and savoring what is there,
enhances and expands what is there.

The other correction:
"To invest my whole heart, soul and virtual body in loving you,"
I felt my Body literally revolting against this adjective.
There is a virtual beloved and a real beloved in your life, yes,
but what is loving you, is not a virtual body, but a real body.

The menorah against a khamsin sky looks boring.
So I decided to add a scene which occurred just 5 to1 minute before 19:36
(which is the time for the "od 40" structure):
a jogger, almost the only person I ever meet on my hill,
searched for ripe mulberries (tut-etz),
and I shouted, that he should find at least one for each of my 4 grandkids.
On our way back I caught Yael and Arnon competing
in how to run into each others' arms.
I find some compensation in that photo...

 

2003_05_29 – 7:19
attached: Arnon embraces crying Ayelet, Ayelet and Itamar draw

"This love-embrace photo must not stand alone.
The comfort-embrace photo must complete it."
With this extremely clear thought I woke up,
and couldn't fall asleep for a very long time.
I even heard the very first bird waking up creation with its sounds,
and then all the others.
The fact, that in both these scenes I had the camera at hand,
was remarkable in itself.

When I had finally fallen asleep,
Yael came into my bed at 5:50, too excited to sleep.
One of her "centers", as it's called in the Democratic School,
is called "Simple Story",
and they'll travel to Holon,
the 5 parks with sculptures from stories like Le petit Prince.
I suggested that we see the early sun
- though it had already risen, Chamsin-pale.
Only during that short walk - we left Itamar sleeping -
it occurred to me to send that other photo to you too,
so you would have that composition,
and a third one added itself to a parable triptych.
[I can't find these photos, neither in the May 2003 folders nor in the Grandmotherhood-pages]

Am I now squashing you with images?

Mar-y-I AM

2003_05_29 – sent at 20:15

15:43
The angels work overtime.
And my speed today is unusual even for me.
I managed to enter the pool a second time at 14:59
(the deal with old folks is from Sunday to Thursday from 6:00 to 15:00)
and during a vigorous half hour swim, I told you in my imagination,
what I now want to sculpt in writing, fast,
riding on my amazing present wave of creative energy,
and I still hope to be back at Ronnit's house at 16:00.

For the first time ever I had lunch only with Yael.
When 1, 2, 3 or 4 other kids are around, she is silent.
And for the first time ever she told me a story.
I drew her out about the excursion to Holon.
There were other stories, sculpted in those parks, I didn't know.
But only the story of "ha-arnevet Mamushi" she wanted to tell me.
I'm telling it exactly from the mouth of a 7 year old, with only slight refinements:

Rabbit Mamushi ("the one who is mamashi"?) went out alone for the first time.
His mother wanted him to feel comfortable , so she gave him 3 balloons.
The rabbit said to himself (rhymes in Hebrew):
Since I have these balloons, I shall find friends.

The first one was a hedgehog:
"Little rabbit, I've never hugged a balloon.
If you let me hug a balloon, I'll be your friend."

So little rabbit let the hedgehog hug the balloon.
But when the hedgehog hugged the balloon,
the balloon exploded:
"That balloon isn't worth anything,
I won't be your friend."
said the hedgehog in anger.

Rabbit Mamushi was sad.

Then he met a turtle.
"Little rabbit, I've never hugged a balloon.
If you let me hug a balloon, I'll be your friend."
The turtle was allowed to hug the balloon.
He sat on it and rocked on it and the balloon exploded.
"That balloon isn't worth anything,
I won't be your friend."
said the turtle in anger.

Rabbit Mamushi was sadder.

[Here Yael interrupted herself;
"Oh I forgot to tell you something in the beginning:
Before the rabbit met the hedgehog,
he saw a bee:
"bee, bee, don't sting me!"
"But I am not a bee,
I am a blue butterfly,
can't you see?"]

Finally rabbit Mamushi met a lizzard.
When the lizzard wanted to hug the balloon,
the balloon escaped, the lizzard snapped,
and when snapped, bit it, and the balloon exploded.
"That balloon isn't worth anything,
I won't be your friend."
said the lizzard in anger.

Rabbit Mamushi now sat down in greatest sadness;
"I have not found friends,
and I have no balloons anymore."

Suddenly that blue butterfly flew along:
"Can I sit on your ear, rabbit Mamushi?"

"But I have no balloons anymore."

"I don't love balloons, I love YOU".
So he sat on his ear
and then showed him all kinds of things,
and they ran and they played all day long.

Then the butterfly said: "Your mother is waiting."
When they came home,
the rabbit's mother saw, that her child was happy.
The rabbit asked her for another balloon for his friend.
He blew it up and gave it to the butterfly.
But the butterfly said again:
"I don't love balloons!
It's you, whom I love."

And rabbit Mamushi changed his little song:
he didn't need balloons to have the dearest of friends

18:19
Those angels!

Four more starts of the car-engine:
I raced to the pool, as I said,
I raced home to YOU, as I needed,
I raced to Ronnit's, though I thought it was not needed,
and I finally brought Yael to her dancing class,
returned car and key to Ronnit
and walked home under the drops of rain which followed the sandstorm
turning the yellow dust on the parking cars into tiny channels of dirt.

After school Itamar had begged me to join a friend and his mother .
I therefore wasn't needed so much at Ronnit's and wondered,
why I was being so pedantic in my determination to be there at 4.
I entered the flat at 16:01 and saw, that Rotem's fever had risen.
At 16:05 the bell rang, that mother brought not only Itamar back,
but said, that the 2 friends now wanted to be at Itamar's place.

A grateful glance towards my orchestrating angels.

Medicine for Rotem and a grated apple was finally welcomed.
Jonathan remembered that he had not yet eaten the whole day,
and I put the kitchen and dishwasher (Rotem's turn) in order.
When I just wanted to do the extraordinary,
i.e. read a few lines while drinking a cup of coffee,
bitter weeping reached my ears from the lower floor.
I said, that there are still four Thursdays ahead.
But no, it will be the Eve of Shavuoth next week,
which means no studies for Ronnit, no need for me.
So angel Itamar gave me another chance right now.

He had wounded his finger at some metal, a tiny bit.
He cried out of proportion and I took him in my arms,
I soothed him with the little song my husband made up,
when our kids were small: "ke'ev katan asae sameakh"
he calmed down, but he wouldn't let me go.
So this day found us once more sitting on the floor,
Itamar in my lap, and cradled by me, he fell asleep.
I had a feeling, that he was on his way to sickness too,
and that in my arms he would move faster through the process.
So while his friend played silently, I held him close to my heart.

After a long while, I asked Yael to bring me book and coffee.
This book is a kind of novel by Rilke, a treasure box I feel,
which I so often tried and retried to read and never came far.
In that moment I had the idea, to read the book backward.
It was the angels' way to confront me with an aspect of Love,
which I could not have felt nor understood 4 weeks ago,
despite having been a pupil of this prophet of future Love.

We stayed in this embrace, Itamar and I, for almost an hour,
until Ronnit came home.

Now I am alone, all-one, with you, with myself.
I feel whole and complete, creative and loving without neediness.
It's 19:20 and almost dark, how can I photograph the menorah?

20:04
You see the outcome.
No interpretation.
I am parting now.
Without.
Not within.
M

 

Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 00:25 AM Subject: old old friends we are

10:35
we have truly already parted - parted - from a road
for i need to enter the holy of holiest
with my bride
for alchemy
and i shall now defy understanding

and you do know - in parting-(read part-y-ing)
in parting - part-y-ing
how much lies within these words..
old old friends we are
i can only feel it - which is great enough

So this was the sandstorm night over our menorah.
which in yesterday's edition could be darkly but clearly seen,
and which today, at least on my computer,
shows only the technically caused bubbles.

I attach a cropped-out, focused edition of the invisible tree,
and a magnificent light shining on it.

Let me still call it "our" menorah,
and let me go on for a while
with sending you the image of this phenomenon,
as it changes slightly from evening to evening,
not intended as a structure for 38 more days,
for my work has been fulfilled, accomplished,
but for YOU TWO to practise "heartfulness"
towards YOUR daily creation of alchemy,
and for me to retreat from the Holy-of-Holiest,
tenderly and organically, lovingly and lovedly
one careful step at a time,
so no denial will creep in.

6:40

Mary
is this it?
to be whole
with holes?

Yes, this is me!
No one has yet brought me to the point,
not even myself.
You did.
It gives me such contentment,
that this name was ready for YOU ,
like Healing-K.I.S.S. seems to have been created only for YOU.
YOU, Mar and E., E. and Mar.


8:55; updated 11:06

After 100 minutes of great effort
to direct my mind's turmoil into a flowing river,
which would spin-thisa-way in beautiful harmony
with your spinning thata-way,
I gave up sculpting.
"I need to postpone sending this", I said to myself.
Instead I worked laboriously on sending tonight's desert dust back to earth,
since my veranda and flat is not its "Right Place".
And then I felt sorry for those parts of my sculpting,
which address YOU directly,
and which ARE complete,
and which I want you to receive, NOW.

So I rehearsed your understanding and promise:

throw here your lava and your images
i will store them
i will feed on them when i will need them
they will come to me
as wise words
triggers
or stories from an old friend
for now I will only watch them
as you unfold

and I understood,
that I don't have to postpone sending this letter,
until I'll have sorted out this turmoil in mind and heart, called
"the seeming incommensurability between loving and being-loved",
and which developed with a time-lag,
not at all synchronized with what you, Great Poet,
have conveyed to me today with utmost tenderness and Knowing.

You will store my very process,
not only its completion,
moreover,
as opens up the holy space of 'the couple'
in YOUR spinning thata-way
YOU will accompany my spinning this-a-way with love and compassion.
You will not need to give this any physical expression in writing and time.

and the space we have created is there
for me to savor
wherever you are spinning thisa-way while i go spinning thatta-way

I know YOU, I feel YOU,
you are, after all, the space to contain me,
you are, after all, the world to receive me,
you are YOU, who happened, happens, will happen.

So let me send off this mumbling and faltering in small letters,
and ask you to seek out for YOURself the big letters,
which try to show you my profound "nakhat",
a word not existing in any other language I've learnt.
"We know, one day we"ll see great nakhat from you,"
was said, when I was granted a small scholarship for my PH.D.
And later - one of my yet young children:
"My mother has everything except nakhat."

For both of these memories I cherish this word,
and now it's shining towards me with YOUR light.



6:40; updated 11:14

I did not tell you yesterday,
what that "aspect of Love" in Rilke's message was.
So the angels assumed I had not really "gotten" it
and worked out a fashion to knead me with fists.
At a time, when I have neither need nor patience for any input
via my always carefully selected television program,
they ripped me away from the output work on my site,
to confront me with another movie,
this time in European setting,
based on a novel by the German-Jewish Stefan Zweig,
"Letter from an unknown Woman)",
and they let this be interrupted by a rare non-family phone-call
from my young friend Meirav, the only non-family female in my life now.
Her way of loving renders flesh-and-blood to the woman in the movie.
That Indian movie was only the first push towards noticing something
that now disconcerts my overall frame-of-reference.
And yes, I'm spinning thisa-way, while your are spinning thata-way,
and that's how it should be.

The message is still in twilight, dawn and dusk at the same time:
that loving and being-loved are incommensurate.
What a cumbersome word, hardly understood, and never used by me.
"Babylon" says:
"not to be compared, lacking a common standard of measurement, not proportionate, not adequate"

"I don't want to be loved!",
you screamed at me,
or more directed

"I don't want to be loved by you!"
It didn't matter at that time,
because I had no frame of reference.

It does now, though you now can and want to be loved,
or better, because you now can and want to be loved
by the one woman in two of her aspects,
E. and Maria.

There was this little cute entry:
I wasn't really interested in the content of the movie,
as depicted by the synopsis,
and opened it more in honor of Stefan Zweig
and in honor of those who are ready to co-produce
(French, Austrian, German).
I was late, maybe a minute, and the first thing I heard
[the man in the movie is a famous author
and signs his name in copies of his book]
"So your name is E.?"
And he wrote into her copy:
"E.",
but I must have missed something,
because when he hands her the book
I hear him saying:
"So you are Maria."
These names had no relevance whatsoever for the story to follow.
Maybe the angels had inserted them just for me, just that second.

The story is about a woman,
whose letter he receives on the day of that signing,
a letter in which she tells him everything,
without any, even the slightest judgment-

how he had been her whole and only life since the age of 13,
how they met 3 times, and how he never remembered her,
"and I loved this in you like everything else,
that it did not matter to you,
if the woman in bed was a life-long lover or a one-hour whore,
for you were so whole in yourself,
so abandoned to your desire and fulfilling your desire~~~"

[and there really was no judgment to the extent,
that in that moment I identified with her
and could see the wholeness in the man myself,
but only in that moment,
then I returned to judging,
both him and her.]

"How could I burden you with being-loved!?

"When I used to spy on you as a girl,
I once saw how you opened your door to a beggar:
You gave him the money he asked for ,
you gave even generously,
but your face expressed your impatience,
which only wanted to get over with this intrusion and interruption.

"I knew, that if I had reminded you of myself,
if I had told you about our child,
you, so gentle, so attentive, had stood by my side.
But it would have burdened you as a distraction
and as a commitment that hampered your freedom."

And before jumping into the river, she closes with utmost love:
"Now I told you everything, but I could do it only,
because it will be no burden on you,
for our son, that great gift from you, is dead,
and I'll be dead too when you receive this letter."

My excerpts are poor,
don't read them with your logical mind.
And maybe you don't need to read them at all.
Because now that I finally caught your ball,
you may not even feel what you felt when you threw it,
for you are spinning that-a-way:

life has changed
but this time
my immediate surrounding has
and me within
so depending upon who it is that looks
when we look (E. and I)
the world has changed
and your stories about change/no change
and your questions about not giving up the secrecy issue
were right to the point
although i then did not understand them
but i was lucky for whom E. is

new cards are being dealt now

and you

Your commitment is the point.
And I am witness to this commitment.
And I am your peer and partner in fulfilling this commitment.
And E. will be too, once you'll consider the possibility,
that you can do the same work with her that you can do with me.

how could you see what i could not fathom?

'ahavah is possible, when there is 'emoun
'emoun is possible, when there is 'aemaet,
'aemaet is possible, when the is 'ometz,
but 'ometz is not a quality of character,
'ometz is achieved time and again,
when I move and accept my fear,

and yes
a new creation has awoken
an old memory of a vision of being the 'cavaleer of love'
-haven't remembered this one in a while-

as I discover

yes i am a believer
as opens up the holy space of 'the couple'
that will have to be balanced
within
the within and the without

S/he has happened, does happen, will happen.
I (?) dread (?), you (?) won't feel (?) anything (?) with this (?),
but take it into your mind as a seed,
please...

she does

OH MAR, OH E.,
IT'S NOT A SEED
AND NOT IN MY MIND
IT'S A BLOSSOMING TREE
WITH THE PROMISE OF FRUITS
WHICH WILL ENRICH THE EARTH WITH MANY MORE SEEDS
AND IT WILL BE A SIGN,
THAT HEAVEN WILL INDEED MANIFEST ON EARTH

take in or forgive the intrusion or maybe you're already over it:

You will never be an intrusion,
and no, I'm not at all over it.

Who is not receiving?
The world-you or you-the world(not receiving you)

You understood quite well, what I meant.
So if you ask, it's meant to make me see ,
that it might all be the other way round:
it's me who is not receiving the world

and another one
for whom are you too-much???
them or you?

It's myself on whom I am too much.

and another one
who is hiding; them or you?
who is not coming out of the hiding?
them or you?

The last one is easy to see -
it's certainly them, who are hiding and not coming out of the hiding.

I'll let these questions sink in
and pray for more input from you
or for experiences from my life,
which will make me see, feel and apply.
Thank you.

and no
i need no reply either
i will be working i know
for the next few whatevers
on being whole
as wholeness
brings love
and I and E. am a bridge

over troubled waters

Yes, yes,
"a bridge over troubled waters"

count your days for happening

i am happening now
and I'll happen again

we have truly already parted from a road
for i need to enter the holy of holiest
with my bride
for alchemy

AMEN

[Attached a painting: E. and Maria]

treat-retreat

and presence is

and parting was

slowly gently flowing on the seams of allotted time

letting go what will for ever be

treat-retreat

and presence is

and parting was

slowly gently flowing on the seams of allotted time

letting go what will for ever be

I walked up the Titorah
[Tomer discovered the "Torah"
in the strange name of the ancient town of the Maccabees]
absorbed in the HeArt-work on my site,

when even before approaching "our" Tut (tout) Tree,

a lightening struck me out of the clear June-blue

with such terror and shame,

that - for the first time in 6 days - I cried my pain,

and then breathed heavily all the way to the pool.

Yesterday I had rehearsed and internalized your poem
in between all my intense
Feeling-Bodying-Thinking-Creating-Acting,
and I had no doubt that its message was:
"Transform 'retreating' into 'letting root'."

But the lightening showed me a hidden aspect

"Do not disturb our process of rooting

with sharing your process of retreating,

be it ever so virtual, visual and non-verbal!"

"and parting was...

letting go what will always be"


I need you to spell it out,
if the lightening lit up a quest from YOU,
or rather a hole in my own wholeness.

And if the first should be true,
then I need to win you over to bear with me for some more time,
and maybe,
you can transform what is mafri'a [disturbing]
into what will be mafraeh [fertilizing],
the hafra'ah from me into a hafrayah for you
[In English the pun - though less good - is:
turning the frightful into the fruitful].

2003_05_04-22:59

Do not torture me!
I don't understand!