The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.i.s.s.
as stated 10 years ago - was and is
to help me and my potential PEERS
to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,
and - as holograms - all of Creation!
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2011
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "search"]

As the fruit of becoming whole = accepting all of myself, I desire:
to live and explore and evolve   L O V E   in my personal life
and to play my part in creating the conditions for Heaven-on-Earth
by radiating grate-full-ness, zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment
on the actors in my individual life-drama and on all human beings!





K.I.S.S. - L O G    2 0 0 8
Keep It Simple Sweetheart

"AZ NIDBERU" - My new Midrash and song in 5 languages
about the prophecy of Malachi 3, 16
["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The Name]

Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk among each other,
and he listens      and he hears

yatakaalamuna     allathina     yarau'na-hu ,
va-yusri        va-yasma'

Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander,
und er lauscht      und er hoert

Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent l'un a l'autre
il entends,        il ecoute
It seems that I chose 26 actors for my life's drama and those 26 actors chose me! One common trait of all roles is "mutual dependency" between them and me.
With 16 actors - my family - the mutual dependency is life-long! With my landlords at Arad & with my 6 starchildren,
born between 1986-88, it may be temporary.
My children: Immanuel, Ronnit, Micha; my children-in-love: Efrat, Uri, Ra'ayah; my 10 grandchildren [born 1987-2005): Elah-Alon-Tomer-Mika; Jonathan-Rotem-Yael-Itamar; Arnon-Ayelet
My landlords: Ofir & Meital+ Lior (2002) & Amit (2007). My starchildren: Lior Oren, Zipi Winkler , Dina Strat , Meshi Taib, Gal Mor, Boris Arons [26=YHWH=13+13=ahavah+ahavah =

Intro to k.i.s.s.-l o g + all dates ~ Library of 7 years ~ HOME ~ contact ~ SEARCH ( of Latin characters only!)                  my eldest granddaughter's video-gallery



October 21

Tishrei 22
Simchat Torah

5th day of turning
"my greed to create
+ Cain's need la-têt
into a" GATE",

Actions:  To the pool (2) climbing up and down the Wadi of Compassion
Garden: working watering
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning

Interactions: [Ofir-Amit on bike]
A visitor - Sami - with whom I didn't want to interact at all, since he is not one of my 26!. But since he is a Bedouin, I had to be very careful with showing him my boundary.He wanted to take me to the Dead Sea...

Parting from
my obsession
to complete

this page---
on November




Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want, then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what may

My "Gate-Intention" - to share in a way that others' sharing is enhanced - was put to a test.
I desire to learn the small lessons esp. on the background of the painful "lava-stream" of 2003.
I desire that my 6 Starchildren (including Lior Oren) will heal into wholeness much faster than I

so they'll suffer less and full-fill their task - at least in their close environment - already now!
I desire that the meeting of my family [all the Shais with all of Immanuel's family] will be loving.
I desire to savor this last day with Mar-Mar, learn from it and then let it rest in my life's harvest!
Suddenly all my Arad Starchildren meet me -Borris and Zipi and Meshi
- under the waning desert moon of Simchat Torah -
Dina in a sudden letter with her picture
and GalMor , without her knowing, through the story of the bird's nest

hodayot [thanksgivings] for today

My Body, my Partner, my God
I give thanks to the small warnings which you sent me: Pay attention!
- the flimmering of my eyes after too much computer work,
- the renewed pain in my right groin
- my coughing

I am grate-full, that I was granted to meet my Starchildren exactly now,
while I struggle so much to learn the Gate-lesson.

This "lovesong to Zipi" I sent her via phone at 7:40 , after I had verified,
that she had indeed brought the sage from her garden to my veranda.
She almost didn't talk under the moon, except admonishing us:
"Why do you talk about someone who is not here?" [Sa'ar Carmieli & Sefi Hanegbi]
But on our way back in Borris' car she said: "Do you have sage? Rachel?
If not I'll bring you and you make yourself a cup of tea!"

How did she know that I needed it?
I was barely aware myself , that my coughing had become stronger.



"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past
Continuation of the Closeup to the Mar-Mar-May- 2003 Virtual Dialogue
[not all letters of Mar are preserved, but in my own letters I relate to everything he wrote]





Bringing Heaven to Earth

"Original Heart foresaw a world
of dense forms and incredible beauty,
of trees and water, sky and sun,
all types of plants and creatures
in which it would
someday dwell with peers.

Original Heart foresaw the world of the first attention
as its home in manifestation.

The very world
that most spirits have despised
because of its present harshness, pain, and limitations ~
is the world
where Original Heart wishes to express
its greatness as one whole being ~
in Body,
in manifestation with others just like itself.


"The information in the four steps,
this class, and the healing class
is designed to help you understand
and succeed at the task at hand ~
bringing Heaven to Earth.
It's not the other way around,
although it certainly has seemed to be.

" Heaven has been seen as the place to go
to get away from here.
Death has been the result of this,
not the cause.

"The times are soon to change,
and they will be changing
because humans
fully embodying Spirit and Will as New Heart
will be here changing them.


"There is a present paradigm in the first attention
that is indeed limiting and confining,
and that is set to provide a few with the powers of manifestation
at the expense and suffering of many.
This reality will change as the paradigm shifts.

Once a few of those doing the healing work
have succeeded in bringing themselves
to wholeness,
the 'how' of manifestation will begin anew on Earth.


"The New Magic will begin
with subtle shifts in the dominant paradigm
or 'shared thought forms' of the first attention.

"These paradigm shifts will open
more space and acceptance
for more wholeness.

"As wholeness in individuals increases,
and more of this wholeness is expressed
through the 'how' of manifestation ~
more space will be opened,
and in this way
Heaven will be gently landing here.


"There will be bumps in this landing, of course.
There already have been some nasty ones ~
but the most serious bumps will be those
experienced by the first few
to fully manifest
New Heart in Body.

But once momentum has developed,
the movement toward wholeness of being
will spread quickly and easily.


"Those who are among the first to find their own wholeness
will have to face the reflection of a first attention
that completely denies them
and their reality of wholeness.

Their perseverance in what they know is right
despite little or no outer support
will enable the next wave
to ground their wholeness
in the same way the first few have done,
and so on ~
as the number of those
completely embodying New Heart in the first attention


"The growing presence of wholeness in the first attention
will provide an ever-expanding 'landing ground'
as Spirit finds and unites
with the previously lost parts of the Mother here on Earth ~
until Heaven is fully present here in its new home.

"The Will movement
that brings you each step toward wholeness
also brings a shift away from the present paradigm of the first attention ~
and toward the next paradigm,
the full manifestation of
Heaven on Earth.


"As this movement spreads to all those
who wish life and love and wholeness
for themselves and all others,
life will become the default condition for humans on Earth.
Death will still be an option available to those
whose Wills choose it, of course ~
but eventually the healing here
will be so profound
that no Will would choose it.


"The important choice
at this stage of the healing
is the choice to ground in the first attention.
The 'ordinary world',

"the everyday world
of pain and suffering,
of dullness and drudgery,
this is the world that needs healing.

"The second attention has been there forever,
and will always be there.
However, it cannot come to Earth
if there is no Will to ground it
here in the first attention.



[Continuation of my letter to Mar 2003_05_25 – 23:02]

I tried it, tried it often - to no avail.
Only this week it happened that I made a scene and a menacing speech,
when Yael wanted to say to Arnon something important,
and he, though having agreed to listen,
continued to be busy with his activity.

My hole is so virulent,
that I do not only suffer
when I'm not being received myself.
What is even much more unbearable,
that I project this hole on everyone around me,
and woe , if I am around people
who do not listen to each other.
I feel such physical pain in my chest,
such choking in my throat,
it is as if I could not go on breathing.

"But I'm listening"
, Arnon said.
How often did I hear this from children, pupils, friends.
I then say:
"I believe, you are listening.
But if I don't get your eyes, I just cannot talk.
I need your total attention
to be able to communicate in a way that it will be meaningful for you."



2003_05_26 – 0:07

Thank you for letting me know.

----- Original Message -----
: Sunday, May 25, 2003 11:44 PM
Subject: nothing today

no responses today

the secrets are non existant now
i have to work




Monday, May 26, 2003 3:05 PM
Subject: another quick one

just a quick word
to say i'm in turmoil (again??!!)
i cannot yet answer all your mails
nor immerse myself in them and let myself feed on them
i cannot be a good listener now
neither concentrate on letting myself be selectively triggered
my whole life is one trigger now
i know this is general
i'll be more specific later

one good news is that yesterday
in voice-mevement therapy
i finally cried my heart out
i cried of pain

and it made me very happy
it's a situation where i'm not alone
and am in one long constant trigger
the only thing i know to do is to look at it
and shout whenever i'm alone
but i don't understand it
maybe later i will have the opportunity to respond
or continue with a monologue
and try to work with you

and you are right to fear i am not doing the work

but this is what i can do

i am torn from the inside
facing something i feel utterly powerless to handle

i try to have trust in the process
but i see no issue
and i feel no issue
just panic
and when i panic
it is so difficult for me to work

this must be terror

and also
i am now physically sick-
tired and flew-like symptoms

so i will talk

when i write now i am slightly calmed



i'm going to sleep













2003_05_26 – 15:16 [is this Rachel or Mar?]

M [who is M? Mar-Y-am?]


2003_05_26 – 16:07

to say i'm in turmoil
i cannot yet answer all your mails


nor immerse myself in them


and let myself feed on them

i cannot be a good listener now

let's listen together to YOU now,
I am totally free at present, for I've done the work that was "up".

neither concentrate on letting myself be selectively triggered
my whole life is one trigger now

I know, I feel, I sense it

one good news is that yesterday
in voice-movement therapy
i finally cried my heart out
i cried of pain
and it made me very happy

me too

it's a situation where i'm not alone
and am in one long constant trigger
the only thing i know to do is to look at it


and shout whenever i'm alone


but i don't understand it
maybe later i will have the opportunity to respond

Again: it's not the time to respond to me,
it's the time for us to respond together to YOU.

or continue with a monologue

I'll receive it with all my heart and soul and body.
But try to be concrete and specific,
Just try! no need to succeed!

and try to work with you

and you are right to fear i am not doing the work

I feared , when you asked me to aggravate the secrecy.
But you stopped running into that direction, immediately.
Or maybe, you attracted an exterior event which stopped it.
It doesn't matter, in either case You are parental.

but this is what i can do

i am torn from the inside


facing something i feel utterly powerless to handle


i try to have trust in the process
but i see no issue

not the faintest one?

and i feel no issue
just panic

not a single monster to pin down?

and when i panic
it is so difficult for me to work

do not work, but move,
move Body, sound Voice,
run up a mountain,
jog around the block,
throw yourself into a pool,
dance like a witch,

and if you can't get up from bed,
contract and relax your eyelids,
weekly, strongly, alternating,
the same with your mouth,
your bladder and anus,
or contract all muscles at once,

as strongly and for as long as you can,
relax and do it again
and breathe, breathe, breathe!

this must be terror


and also
i am now physically sick-
tired and flue-like symptoms

because everything is too much,
so Body forces you to slow down,

so i will talk

only if you really feel like it

when i write now i am slightly calmed

I am glad



i'm going to sleep
numa, numa, yaldi ["sleep, sleep, my child"]


2003_05_26 – 22:30


I'm breathing with you

at least some

there was a storm -inside and outside

the outside has shown me the wrongness of my ways

so i have seen it


and i have accepted this


(although i could not do better, I know)


some guilt on the pain given

still no understanding as to why
why am i so filled with fear

fear of what,
of the consequences of your secrecy-security pattern,
or of the impact of your intensive with Maryam on E.?

[by the way, E.2000 years ago was the elderly friend of Miriam,
and pregnant in the sixth month, when the Bastard incarnated in Miriam]

so i don't feel as if i've learned something

I remind you of the famous analogy of the spiral

except that outside is ready to work

Please phrase this less impersonally.
Who is ready to work, you and E. - together?

and give me the benefit of the doubt,

this I didn't understand

because your 4 alephim are at stake here
[there can be ahavah-love, when there is emoun-trust,
there can be emoun-trust, when there is aemat-truth,
there can be aemat-truth, when there is ometz-courage,
there can be ometz-courage, when one knows how to move fear]

and i have done wrong

you have! a fact, not a judgment.
Which means you have worked against your own self-interest

and inside has been surprised by some of its blindness

enjoy that now your eyes are open and I enjoy it with you

and maybe there is some reception here
of me

Again this impersonal phrasing.

It's like saying "you", when you mean "I".
You mean, E. has more reception for you than you feared?

which i didn't believe in

You see?
Wasn't I patient to not have pushed you towards seeing this before?
Patient to wait until right time would come for you?

How relieved and happy am I,
that you took this dissonance from me.

until now
i have build myself
i have created myself
through closing-in and protecting my heart
so that many of my presents
(you as one of them) were kept secret or well protected

and i have to learn to undo secrets
one by one

Yes, yes, yes!

(well really there aren't that many)

and like you so correctly suggested: maybe i haven't really changed
but i do what i can

I feel uneasy with the way you reflect back to me, what i said,
I hear a judgment in "Maybe you don't do the work",
and "maybe you haven't really changed."

This is tearing my sentences out of their context.
Judging you would be the last thing on my mind.
But the distortion in the way you quote me,
helps me to state this:

"Let go of asking, if you do the work or don't.
Let go of asking, if you have changed or will change."

It's not the point.

Your commitment is the point.

And I am witness to this commitment.

And I am your peer and partner in fulfilling this commitment.

And E. will be too, once you'll consider the possibility,
that you can do the same work with her that you can do with me.
Though I don't know her, I have this strong feeling, that this is so.
You would not have chosen her - metaphysically, if not physically-
if it were otherwise.
This is not a time-period to fool around with unfitting partners.
You only have to see - as in the famous story -
that the treasure, you are promised and you are seeking,
is hidden under your own stove.

yes you are permitted to hug
and all our letters will now be in the open (if that is ok for you)

this pleases me immensely

and thank you for being there
and sorry i cannot give you more of the process
because yes it is tiring
and either i'll have time in the next few days to go through them
(and i know i don't have to)
or there's already another storm waiting around the corner
arghhh (not as the castle of aaarghhhh of monty python's holy grail,
which is by the way downloadable at KAZAA)
but as in a cry of "no not again....."
truth is i'm a little fed up with this intensity

Are you? Well, your Higher Self tells you,
that you wouldn't really choose something else,
because you know, it's efficient,
but that you are allowed to whince and whine


and more


and send me the letter


Know, that the player is simply quicktime, nothing to download,
but it doesn't open automatically, you have to click on the slider
and then there is a buffer of some seconds in the beginning.
I still haven't succeeded in downloading Kazaa, I'll try again now.
I've more patience tonight than usual,
after I feel so satisfied with the completion of my page
"Flight to Egypt" (in "Desert Vision")
and the healing this creation has provided

2003_05_26 – 22:38


What a title for my Thursday letter 4 days ago was this,
before I inserted now the grey NOT into the purple wishful thinking?

i've denied my feelings
of being overridden/
by you, your long letter, your stories, R. etc...
in short your emotions and stories
and yes you are right
i put you outside as i was getting squashed
did not or only little response to you and your issues and feelings
and used you to become triggered
about all the issues that came up in me
and the emotions
were strenghtened
and made even bigger
by this need of me to 'keep my space'
and the fear to be overridden
by this

(and this is why the alarm went off in my home..
threat to my space)


What could make me happier than this:
that you now do the work in your real life,
with your real, not your virtual, beloved.

And I still felt this happiness this morning,
though facing an e-mail box empty of YOU.
But I also feel the impact of the mutzaf trigger,
which I attracted,
"to point out a hole in my wholeness that now wants to be healed",
because I had already pointed it out myself so     p a i n s takingly ,
in the letter I had written on Shabbat and sent yesterday,
and in the "volcano-letter", which I wrote on Thursday
and which I'm going to send to you after all.
I attracted this trigger from YOU,

because once you'll be balanced with me
as an additional, temporary "ring" in the partnership with your wife,
you'll be the loving, compassionate, though temporary space,
in which all the pain about my "too much"
will be not only voiced by me,
but received by YOU.

4) Parallel to this I'll do as much healing work with you
as our appointed time allows for.
I'll try to make this working with you more effective,
by following closely the flow and details of our dialog,
as differentiated from letting myself be stimulated=tempted
to take off into stories and analytic, systematic thinking.

If stories should pour out of me despite all my intent and focus,
I'll be compassionate towards myself
and ask YOU to be compassionate too.

Now the letter, written on Thursday, 2003_05_22, from 9:15 onward,


I got angry, while swimming:
Why should I feel so guilty , so afraid even of YOU,
because of the flood of my writing?
There are millions of books containing 300 pages,
though their content could be said in a single one.
Why do I attract only shame and blame,
when I compress 300 pages in one,
but having to pour out 300 000,
the result is still a flood that drowns?

During the 18 months of unbearable depression, 1972-1973,
my friend Yanina (will be NOT mentioned again soon),
suggested that I seek help from a therapist she knew.
She worked with me until I had the courage to approach Rafael,
and to not succumb, until he permitted it and paid the fee.
The first meeting was wonder,wonder,wonderful.
I felt, I deserved to be listened to, because I paid.
After the third time things really moved in me
and I wrote pages and pages on my type-writer
and gave them all to the therapist.
When we met after that, he said with no compassion, something like:

"What is all this writeritis!!!"

He added another terrible blunder:

"Now I know what your problem is:
You can't get along with the people in your life!"

I had come to him with my one and overall predicament,
"that I am not doing what I am supposed to do in this world",
meaning my cursed vocation.
He could not relate to this kind of predicament
and searched until he could catch me in what was familiar to him.
I left the "therapy" and bore the ridicule of my husband,
"of course knew it all along, that therapy was crap",
and ma pit'om
[why all of a sudden] would I need it anyway.

I enter my flat, take out my wet things to dry them,
and find --- the key of Ronnit's car,
which I parked passing by the pool from the kids' school.
Not only did I forget - which happened before -
that this time I'm not to walk as usually, but take the car,
I didn't perceive anything in the exterior world on my walk back.
It was already quite an effort to merge the two channels
my Thursday morning job with Ronnit's kids
and my escalating, maddening, exhilarating dialog with you,
into a good stereo performance.
But once I started to swim, I forgot time altogether,
Usually I want to get out after 25 -30 minutes,
today my eyes crossed the big clock after 45 minutes
and I still wanted to go on and swim and splash,
mostly under water and on the back ,
tell you stories.
I forgot myself under the shower,
I forgot to do the reflexology kind of drying my feet,
I remember rushing past the guard without waving shalom,
and then I don't remember anything.

Is this right - to let myself get carried away like that,
carried away with this violent eruption of my volcano,
brimming over with fire and lava and ashes,
though not to destroy but hoping to bring joy,

and the fear ~~~~ strangles ~~~~ my throat.
"Who'd you think you are!
What megalomania!
Who could ever take your abundance,
leave alone receive it as a gift for himself.
Not even your friend will be able to take this much longer,
you are suffocating him,
again and again and again
taking his space instead of doing what you want,
which is one thing and one thing only:
to be a space for him in which he can grow."

Maybe, my father, brother, son - everything to me,
you could help me to carry out a practical solution,
which came to me while swimming.
I would be able to brim over, without restrain,
both in quantity and in transparency
and I would not have to fear,
that I'm overwhelming, overbearing, overriding for YOU.

For "Love" for me is both:
being (not making) a space, in which the beloved can grow
being a boundary, against which the beloved one can grow

Not putting limits, but being limits
by the way I am difficult for you, triggering you, frustrating you,
never ever giving you all you really need
and rarely giving it in the proper homoepathic quantity.

The solution I suggest is:
I'll diffentiate between writing direct and specific responses to your letters,
and "brimming over stories" from my volcano,
which may not be directly relevant to you, or even not relevant at all,
but might still be a "reserve",
a stock to draw from in times yet to come in your life.
The "subject" for this kind of e-mails would be "volcano",
and it would mean, that you may just store them away,
with no pressure of needing to read them, leave alone relate to them.

If you would thus calm my terror of squashing you,
I could really fly off and be myself not only in essence ,
which I am with those people I allow into my life,
but in quantity, in quantity, in quantity,
and for once not to hold back
for I see only now, how much, in fact, I've been restraining myself on my site,
concerning "transparency",
while with you I am totally free, with no caution or restraint,
concerning "transparency".

To make you understand and even feel my terror
concerning "quantity",
let me tell you, that I once had a friend, in 1962,
who, during his studies, had to produce a Rorschach-test
and did this with me.
I remember, how I started to associate things to the shapes,
but was carried away into endless realms.
After some weeks I was wondering,
that my friend wasn't mentioning the result of that test.
When he did answer, I saw, he was terribly embarrassed.
His teacher had said, that the test-person was "crazy".
Strangely enough, I wasn't triggered, but smiled.

In those and later years,
I was in terror of becoming mentally ill one day,
and I always knew, that I was walking a thin line.
Later I read:
Both, the normal and the crazy person struggle
to keep their heads out of the water,
the difference is, that the "normal" person succeeds,
how ever much effort it takes,
while the "crazy" drowns.
But the "indication",
which that professor of psychology found in my Rorschach-Test,
did not pertain to me.
I was not crazy there - in my volcano nor in my erupting.
But, yes, I needed and need to contain my abundance,
and the energy I invest in doing so, drains me,
and the triggers I cause, if I fail to contain it, throw me into hell time and again.
I cry now, Mar, do caress my hair~~~
I sob , I'll go and let the singing-dancing deepen my breathing.

Oh, this was so wonderful,
thanks to Jeanne White Eagle and John for the gift of this WAY.

Though I've often been singing to my dancing before,
this is what I needed without knowing it:
On the one hand
my singing becomes daring
in volume and variety,
on the other hand
my singing evolves through listening,
listening in order to tune in into the singing of the others,
rejoicing when creating harmony, or smiling when creating disharmony

And I had a great idea, a really gorgeous, sumptuous, splendid idea, my friend.
But be patient, first one more self-triggering story about my "Too Much"
(which does not contradict the "Not Enough",
my former feelings of inadaquacy):

In recent years,
when coping with the always impending outbreak of my volcano,

(Victor Barr yesterday:
"One could see, that you didn't have any visitors for a long time,
otherwise you would not have gone into that monologue
when we were here."

I was triggered - again - not by his view of me,
but by the fact, that I, indeed, had not created the kind of communication with Victor, Jeanne and John,
where everyone in a circle takes an active part ,
which has always been a vital desire, a great effort
and even an impressive skill for mine,

Just imagine my ten years of teaching teachers,
the many hundreds of meetings and workshops
during the 5 1/2 years of Partnership,
and the years towards and in the Succah, ,
and the hundreds of team meetings,
meals and celebrations with guests, workshops,
encounters with visitors day after day,
meetings with officials and people I needed to win over ,
all over Israel, even Europe and the USA
and most of it continued in Sinai, in Eilat, in Metzuqe Dragot, in Ein-Gedi,
just to mention the main settings.
I needed to justify myself, and tell him, Victor,
that this failure to do what I wanted to do,
was not at all the result of my alone-ness,
which I've chosen,
because alone-ness is what I need at this stage of my life
but a basic need, frustrated even in times,

when I dotted down 3 new addresses per day.)

How often did I tell myself:
Look at "God"! He certainly has abundance ( "shefa" in Hebrew ).
But he doesn't just brim over, spill it on everyone on earth.
He contains it and hands it out in little bits and pieces
in homeopathic doses,
in different ways for different people
in different places
at different time-periods
sometimes packed in a hard nutshell, like the Shma' Yisrael,
which people can touch with their hands,
wrap it around their fingers and forehead,
say it with their breath and voice twice a day,
and still not understand anything of the nut in the shell,
but passing it on for 2000 years as a gift for me, me, to enjoy it.

So why can I not do the same,
why can I not contain,
why all this pain from restrain,

like that woman in a Nazi camp, who was about to give birth,
but they tied her up, to do scientific research about who would die first,
the mother or the child.
(a horrible, horrifying scene, described in GC, which made God see,
-can you believe, it was only then, that "he" saw,
that something was totally and absolutely wrong with him, God.)

Forgiveness for this comparison! Please, forgive.
but I will not delete it

I'm sobbing again.
Oh Mar, thank you for giving me this chance to touch so much pain,
I have worked on my site for 700 days
only to be found by one single peer,

and now that You are with me, even if only for a short time,
I don't need my site any longer,
(I've since then gone into the other direction, as you saw:
I need it even more now!)

it was a space, I was grateful for,
and it has become in itself a trigger, necessary for me,
all the pages, that are not completed,
Tomer, Jonathan, Avi Dror of the Succah, Water in the Desert Pages,
just to mention a few of the latest, on which I've worked,
but what a poor tool is it to create and share on a website
- or in a book, for that matter-
when I can nothing but imagine those,
whom I need to receive me
or whom I need to let themselves be aided by my own living and healing.

Now there is a real human, divine person
receiving me as who I am,
and letting me aid him in accepting who he is.
Why should I not grab this gift, this space, this chance
with a hundred hands and hearts,
and pour out my abundance, rejoicing, jubilating in the feeling of being free,
of being ME.

Provided -------------------------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you agree to my "practical solution",
which may put my terror of suffocating you
to rest.

Though I've already stressed it enough,
I'll tell you and myself one more time:
I needed to follow this direction with so much fervor,
only to find, that the direction is wrong.

And now the grand idea,
prompted by your info,
that you talked to two friends,
which pleases me immensely,
because you need to get support,
and not do this gigantic work all on your own.

The idea maybe also an alternative for the cave fantasy:

We'll have a "qol-tnu'ah" workshop, of one hour only:
dancing, singing, breathing
Declared purpose: to learn White Eagle's therapeutic tool.
You would bring your 2 (or more) friends,
and E., and maybe even your two children,
I'll try to get my daughter, and maybe some of the grandkids,
for I feel there should be kids and babies
and maybe my closest friends, Moshe, Tamir, Ya'aqov, Yuval, Ranni,
( - all male, all in their thirties or early forties, for a reason I cannot understand)
whom I have postponed reuniting with until August 15, my birthday,
and maybe, Immanuel and Efrat, whose birthday is on July 7,
would take part too.
(This passage gives me the pretext to finally justify myself
- against your opposition to my playing with the number 7:
I did not choose the seventh of July, ....
I was - a week ago -
looking for a date close to Immanuel's arrival at the sixth of July,
which would be meaningful and helpful,
if indeed we needed to accept, that we only had a short appointed time for us,
I thought of the Eve of the Eve of Tish'a be-Av,
the story with the cave and the comet's crash on Jupiter,
and there it was: on the seventh of the seventh.)

I thought of inviting Jeanne White Eagle and John and Victor,
but I'm not sure.
The rest of us will feel more comfortable with "leaders",
but also less self-confident, less daring to go on with the tool later.

There will be this rule:
No talking (exception: the kids),
no touching, except through the eyes.

The structure of the meeting will be laid out in e-mails
and tools to be used will be explained beforehand.
[as usual, I fantasized all the logistics and technicalities,
but delete them now - being too scared to bore, burden and trigger you even more]
You come in, to the sounds of the disc,
move into a circle, with eyes open or closed,
and I'll get you started in tuning in to the music,
singing only vocals or humming ,
standing still or dancing or spinning,

If we would be a group of 8,10, best 12 grownups,
we could have a "vigil" or "Marathon", dancing-singing without pauses.
Once the disc would end, we would go on singing without this aid.
whoever wants to rest, steps out and sits on some mattress or cushion,
and joins in again later,
while the others go on, incessantly singing and moving and feeling,
and - for those who want this - radiating this healing into the neighborhood, i.e. the World.
And then, after an hour, I'll stop the disc,
we'll stand in a circle, hold hands, in silence, look into each others eyes, if we dare
I'll open the door,
and you'll all leave in silence,
without parting from me by either glance or handshake.
And then que sera, sera.

Now I feel shaky again, another "bimui" [staging] of Rachel,
no wonder, I have produced this grandson Arnon,
with his never ending, ingenious bimuyim,
which already are getting on the nerves of some,
and he is not yet seven.

But, I'll not take it away, I'll only hide it in the "volcano" category.
So you might not even see it, and that will be right then.

There are 2 more stories I made up in the pool.
I always head-jump into the water, when I start my swimming.
The guard must have watched this crooked jump for half a year,
until he came around and said:
"Geveret, you are jumping on your belly, that's not healthy"
"I know that, but I've tried to do better all my life and didn't succeed."

He showed me, I tried, I failed, I tried again, a bit better, I tried again: again worse.
I felt, what I always feel, when I'm supposed to perform a task, I'm afraid of,
in the presence of someone who either wants to teach me or needs the job done,
getting a driving wheel out of its lock, understanding something in computers,
I feel as if the guillotine would come done on me.
I said: "Thank you! I'll practise from now on."
Of course, every time this guy is on duty, I jump - with my innocence lost.
He'll watch me, he'll judge me,
and the worst projection....
he'll feel, he has given me something which I could not receive.

But having gone through this nano-ordeal for a week now,
it occurred to me today,
that it's not at all important that I become a skilled jumper.
My head should bend, and my knees stay straight.
But my knees are crooked, and my head rises up.
So what?
There is a chance to feel my shame ,
and to literally jump my shame
and to let my shame merge with the water.
Isn't that nice?

The volcano had an eruption of more than 3 hours,
but now, just before having to run to the pool, where I forgot the car,
and fetch the children and feed them and go to another pool with them,
to Neve-Shalom
(trigger, - sometime in the future you might open the Appendix Israel&Ismael>partnership>Neve-Shalom),
I want to at least put here the title of another story:
why is it, that there are now almost only men in my life,
opposed to the eighties, when no man could be seen?

Another story is about our issue with myth.
I became aware, that it's the 22nd of May,
the beginning of the Festival of the Gitans in Saintes Maries de la Mer.
And I




2003_05_26- 9:26

I'm troubled and intrigued by that elimination of your beggar-story.
Strangely you never commented on wiping off other lines of your letters.
How could it be,
that I so much yearn for stories from YOU,
and there finally is one,
and a good one as such,
and I delete it?
The conscious reason
- that I didn't want you to dwell on such an image of yours
- is bullshit.
You created this experience,
you identified with this image,
so who am I to deny you in this?

And now I even cannot retrieve it.
I've changed my decision of deleting all our exchanges.
After all, I need a treasure-box too,
from which I can pick things to nourish me after our separation.
And since I'm now quite skilled
in weaving your and my letter together as one whole ,
in content and graphics,
I keep only my own letters,
hoping the space in my e-mail program can contain them all.
For transferring them to another program, either DreamWeaver or Word, ruins the colors.
This means, that if I delete something like the beggar-story, it will be lost,
until you retrieve it for me, as you suggested you would,
"if for any reason you may want them back".

So, please, search for the beggar story,
before it will be even more difficult to find it .





The mulberry candelabra on May 27

2003_05_27 – 16:15

How is it, that in all your turmoil
and in all the busy-ness of your exterior reality
and in all the tiredness of your body and soul,
you can send me these little gifts,
for which I yearn,
but discipline myself not to expect them
I was just sculpting the following in the Tomer-pages,
when you sounded-in:

"For a while I said nothing, waiting for them to start swimming,
but then gestured with my hands: "Start doing your ten pools!"
Some ignorant person once said to me:
"But why don't you just let him play in the water?"
Yes, why?
Because Tomer would want to leave after 5 minutes.
Because Tomer would even refuse to go to the pool.
Because for Tomer, like for most people on earth,
is desirable only what is not available,
and once something is available it's not desired anymore.

That's why I loathe so much this country's birthday celebrations.
Tomer's classmates brought 25 gifts,
not to count the gifts from family.
Did he enjoy even one of them for more than a day or two?

many many things

and little time

for somehow busyness


(although i am feeling better)

work -the 3 clients came

will they continue?
are you working with them in Jerusalem ?
Did you feel excited or ready to start with them?
Did you get some contentment, satisfaction?
No need to answer now.

Just know, what I would naturally ask, IF...

is taking time

and now like you suggested
a delicate balancing has to take place
between me
me and E.

thank you for spelling out her name

me and you
and E. and you

and you are wise
i see this now even more
through all the process
through all the effort and the pain

i will find the time
to be with you
for i want to

i have found a lost small puppy today
I have taken him in

my children will give him a name

I feel tender and vulnerable
and that is good

may you not need shells any longer.
David called these "Shakhpatzim".
[some kind of body-protectinon for soldiers]

today i'll be busy till late
(my stove broke down - and we got a new one from a friend..)

but i will
be there

so will I

and listen

so will I


yes, within

and believe
and trust

I do

for it feels like growing from the fear off
into the unknown
of something else than the lies i was in


[Monday 23:38]

I feel ridiculous and ashamed .
First because I don't succeed in downloading the Kazaa site
I now asked Immanuel for help.
Second because I gave you stupid advice about how to open that Mozartgram,
which is as if a firstgrader would tell a PH.D. graduate how to solve a problem.

E. belongs to my most favorite names,
The only French friend I ever had, was called E. Varet.
(Thanks, Rachel, for not squashing Mar with yet another story).

It's Tuesday , 12:01.
I can't overcome the urge to hint at two of my (emotional) associations to "E.".
Please bear with me.
ONe is connected to the biblical legend,
which I could scan in French and attach.
The content of this myth-parable would not mean anything to you now.
But there is a joyful biographical incident connected to this legend,
to which I want to drive backward with YOU.

The other association has to do with St. E.,
or more exact - a legend from the 15. century attached to this historical figure.
E. von Thueringen, born on 7-7-1207 (!), daughter of a Hungarian king,
who died at the age of 24 and became a saint some years after,
is the "patron" of Thueringen (state in East Germany),
the home-country of my father.

As to that momentary appearance of a tiny island of roses
in my black asphalt Sea of the year 1961 (!)
and as to the relevance of St. E.'s "Rosen-wunder" -miracle of roses
for my survival as a young girl,
I shall to tell it only, if and once you'll be able to listen.

but i will
be there

so will I

and listen

so will I


yes, within

and believe
and trust

I do


[a pity I don't remember to what "miracle of roses in 1961 I referred,
for, of course, there never was a chance for Mar to listen to me..]


2003_05_28 – 7:16


I yearned for the in-sounding until midnight,
but felt, something good, even if painful, was evolving between you two,
and I forgot my intent to send the menorah before the date would change.
I woke up in the middle of the night, remembering.
But I waited until now.
So know, that the "od-41"
[41 more days] refers to yesterday,
and I also made a mistake in writing "od-42" as subject to my letter yesterday.
It should have been already "od-41".


2003_05_28 – 22:53
Sent: Wednesday, May 28, 2003 8:32 AM
Subject: Re: 'od 41- but sent the next morning 7:16

Response 9:00; updated 22:20

I read you
although fast
and i am with you

i feel your pain
some tkiut [stuckness] here

but know again
i am there

far but close

ever thankful

So am I , close though far and ever thankful
thankful to YOU as relating to ME
thankful to YOU as the world you let me touch,

YOU with E. and your children
and your worry for money a
nd your commitment to heal into wholeness
thankful also to my Higher Self or whatever,
for letting me have this part in

end of lies
are evolving here
but openly
and the opening is widening slowly

it will probably be thursday or friday till i really find the time
to be with you for a few hours

Please, feel no pressure .
I am content with the "quick-ones".
If you want to take more time for writing,
then only, if you feel,
that this would enhance your process with E.
You don't need me now as Space for your "movement" any longer,
as much as I would desire to continue being that for you,
for you are creating this space with your wife
and that's how it should be.
And as to my need for you as such a Space,
you are being this Space,
even if it does not express in verbal responses to what I write,
and even if your mind and heart are occupied now.
I feel as that ring,
which is intertwined with yours
and enriched by all that is in your life.

Now here are two corrections of my letter this early morning:

"and I forgot my intent to send the menorah
before the date would change...
and I also made a mistake in writing "od-42" as subject to my letter yesterday.
It should have been already "od-41".
Forgive my "game",
but such structures help me immensely with my difficult living."

It should have been "such structuring".
While walking across the Titorah to the pool
a re-membrance of former insights swept over me:
How I, indeed, have been always so skillful
in structuring
space ,
and - partly - also my abundance, or my volcano's fire-lava-ashes.
And how I am even able to structure my loving.

To contain the bounty of existence within boundaries
allows for consciousness to become aware
of what is there,
and consciousness of what is there
enables me to savor what is there,
and savoring what is there,
enhances and expands what is there.

The other correction:
"To invest my whole heart, soul and virtual body in loving you,"
I felt my Body literally revolting against this adjective.
There is a virtual beloved and a real beloved in your life, yes,
but what is loving you, is not a virtual body, but a real body.

The menorah against a khamsin sky looks boring.
So I decided to add a scene which occurred just 5 to1 minute before 19:36
(which is the time for the "od 40" structure):
a jogger, almost the only person I ever meet on my hill,
searched for ripe mulberries (tut-etz),
and I shouted, that he should find at least one for each of my 4 grandkids.
On our way back I caught Yael and Arnon competing
in how to run into each others' arms.

I find some compensation in that photo...


On May 28, at the appointed time, the mulberry candelabra was visited not only by me and the Quartet but also by a couple who picked mulberries




2003_05_29 – 7:19
attached: Arnon embraces crying Ayelet, Ayelet and Itamar draw

I found an image which depicts us at sunrise on the Titorah Hill, but it was taken - by little Itamar (5 then) on May 1, not on May 28



2003_05_29 – sent at 20:15

The angels work overtime.
And my speed today is unusual even for me.
I managed to enter the pool a second time at 14:59
(the deal with old folks is from Sunday to Thursday from 6:00 to 15:00)
and during a vigorous half hour swim, I told you in my imagination,
what I now want to sculpt in writing, fast,
riding on my amazing present wave of creative energy,
and I still hope to be back at Ronnit's house at 16:00.

For the first time ever I had lunch only with Yael.
When 1, 2, 3 or 4 other kids are around, she is silent.
And for the first time ever she told me a story.
I drew her out about the excursion to Holon.
There were other stories, sculpted in those parks, I didn't know.
But only the story of "ha-arnevet Mamushi" she wanted to tell me.
I'm telling it exactly from the mouth of a 7 year old, with only slight refinements:

Rabbit Mamushi ("the one who is mamashi"?) went out alone for the first time.
His mother wanted him to feel comfortable , so she gave him 3 balloons.
The rabbit said to himself (rhymes in Hebrew):
Since I have these balloons, I shall find friends.

The first one was a hedgehog:
"Little rabbit, I've never hugged a balloon.
If you let me hug a balloon, I'll be your friend."

[Here Yael interrupted herself;
"Oh I forgot to tell you something in the beginning:

Before the rabbit met the hedgehog,
he saw a bee:
"bee, bee, don't sting me!"
"But I am not a bee,
I am a blue butterfly,
can't you see?

Finally rabbit Mamushi met a lizzard.
When the lizzard wanted to hug the balloon,
the balloon escaped, the lizzard snapped,
and when snapped, bit it, and the balloon exploded.
"That balloon isn't worth anything,
I won't be your friend."
said the lizzard in anger.

Rabbit Mamushi now sat down in greatest sadness;
"I have not found friends,
and I have no balloons anymore."

Suddenly that blue butterfly flew along:
"Can I sit on your ear, rabbit Mamushi?"

Then the butterfly said: "Your mother is waiting."
When they came home,
the rabbit's mother saw, that her child was happy.
The rabbit asked her for another balloon for his friend.
He blew it up and gave it to the butterfly.
But the butterfly said again:
"I don't love balloons!
It's you, whom I love."

And rabbit Mamushi changed his little song:
he didn't need balloons to have the dearest of friends

Those angels!


The mulberry candelabra on May 29, when a sand-storm darkened the Titorah Hill


Sent: Friday, May 30, 2003 00:25 AM Subject: old old friends we are

we have truly already parted - parted - from a road
for i need to enter the holy of holiest
with my bride
for alchemy
and i shall now defy understanding

and you do know - in parting-(read part-y-ing)
in parting - part-y-ing
how much lies within these words..
old old friends we are
i can only feel it - which is great enough

So this was the sandstorm night over our menorah.
which in yesterday's edition could be darkly but clearly seen,
and which today, at least on my computer,
shows only the technically caused bubbles.


is this it?
to be whole
with holes?

Yes, this is me!
No one has yet brought me to the point,
not even myself.
You did.
It gives me such contentment,
that this name was ready for YOU ,
like Healing-K.I.S.S. seems to have been created only for YOU.
YOU, Mar and E., E. and Mar.

8:55; updated 11:06

So I rehearsed your understanding and promise:

throw here your lava and your images
i will store them
i will feed on them when i will need them
they will come to me
as wise words
or stories from an old friend
for now I will only watch them
as you unfold

and I understood,
that I don't have to postpone sending this letter,
until I'll have sorted out this turmoil in mind and heart, called
"the seeming incommensurability between loving and being-loved",
and which developed with a time-lag,
not at all synchronized with what you, Great Poet,
have conveyed to me today with utmost tenderness and Knowing.

You will store my very process,
not only its completion,

as opens up the holy space of 'the couple'
in YOUR spinning thata-way
YOU will accompany my spinning this-a-way with love and compassion.

You will not need to give this any physical expression in writing and time.

and the space we have created is there
for me to savor
wherever you are spinning thisa-way while i go spinning thatta-way

For both of these memories I cherish this word,
and now it's shining towards me with YOUR light.

6:40; updated 11:14

I did not tell you yesterday,
what that "aspect of Love" in Rilke's message was.
So the angels assumed I had not really "gotten" it
and worked out a fashion to knead me with fists.
At a time, when I have neither need nor patience for any input
via my always carefully selected television program,
they ripped me away from the output work on my site,
to confront me with another movie,
this time in European setting,
based on a novel by the German-Jewish Stefan Zweig,
"Letter from an unknown Woman)",
and they let this be interrupted by a rare non-family phone-call
from my young friend Meirav, the only non-family female in my life now.
Her way of loving renders flesh-and-blood to the woman in the movie.
That Indian movie was only the first push towards noticing something
that now disconcerts my overall frame-of-reference.
And yes, I'm spinning thisa-way, while your are spinning thata-way,
and that's how it should be.

The message is still in twilight, dawn and dusk at the same time:
that loving and being-loved are incommensurate.
What a cumbersome word, hardly understood, and never used by me.
"Babylon" says:
"not to be compared, lacking a common standard of measurement, not proportionate, not adequate"

"I don't want to be loved!",
you screamed at me,
or more directed

"I don't want to be loved by you!"
It didn't matter at that time,
because I had no frame of reference.

It does now, though you now can and want to be loved,
or better, because you now can and want to be loved
by the one woman in two of her aspects,
E. and Maria.

life has changed
but this time
my immediate surrounding has
and me within
so depending upon who it is that looks
when we look (E. and I)
the world has changed
and your stories about change/no change
and your questions about not giving up the secrecy issue
were right to the point
although i then did not understand them
but i was lucky for whom E. is

new cards are being dealt now

and you

Your commitment is the point.
And I am witness to this commitment.
And I am your peer and partner in fulfilling this commitment.
And E. will be too, once you'll consider the possibility,
that you can do the same work with her that you can do with me.

how could you see what i could not fathom?

'ahavah is possible, when there is 'emoun
'emoun is possible, when there is 'aemaet,
'aemaet is possible, when the is 'ometz,
but 'ometz is not a quality of character,
'ometz is achieved time and again,
when I move and accept my fear,

and yes
a new creation has awoken
an old memory of a vision of being the 'cavaleer of love'
-haven't remembered this one in a while-

as I discover

yes i am a believer
as opens up the holy space of 'the couple'
that will have to be balanced
the within and the without

S/he has happened, does happen, will happen.
I (?) dread (?), you (?) won't feel (?) anything (?) with this (?),
but take it into your mind as a seed,

she does

take in or forgive the intrusion or maybe you're already over it:

You will never be an intrusion,
and no, I'm not at all over it.

Who is not receiving?
The world-you or you-the world(not receiving you)

You understood quite well, what I meant.
So if you ask, it's meant to make me see ,
that it might all be the other way round:
it's me who is not receiving the world

and another one
for whom are you too-much???
them or you?

It's myself on whom I am too much.

and another one
who is hiding; them or you?
who is not coming out of the hiding?
them or you?

The last one is easy to see -
it's certainly them, who are hiding and not coming out of the hiding.

I'll let these questions sink in
and pray for more input from you
or for experiences from my life,
which will make me see, feel and apply.
Thank you.

and no
i need no reply either
i will be working i know
for the next few whatevers
on being whole
as wholeness
brings love

and I and E. am a bridge

over troubled waters

Yes, yes,
"a bridge over troubled waters"

count your days for happening

i am happening now
and I'll happen again

we have truly already parted from a road
for i need to enter the holy of holiest
with my bride
for alchemy


[Attached a painting: E. and Maria]

The mulberry- candelabra on May 30, 2003, the first day or my retreat from Mar

2003_05_31 Second day of Retreat Tout Tree attached


2003_06_01 ~~~Third day of Retreat , 6:50 ~~~23:57 Tout Tree attached

23:57 Tout Tree



2003_06_02 fourth day of Retreat Tout Tree attached


2003_06_03 Fifth day of Rooting the 4 alephs Tout Tree attached


2003_06_04 Sixth day of rooting the fourfold Alef


and presence is

and parting was

slowly gently flowing on the seams of allotted time

letting go what will for ever be


and presence is

and parting was

slowly gently flowing on the seams of allotted time

letting go what will for ever be

taking the time to root the tree as deep as deep can go

Reassuring on the sixth day – attachment of Hesse's Stufen [see the song in the 2007 Song-Game]


As every blossom fades
and all youth sinks
into old age,
so every life's design,
each flower of wisdom,
every good attains its prime
and cannot last forever.
In life, each call the heart
must be prepared courageously
without a hint of grief,
submit itself to other new ties.
A magic dwells in each beginning,
protecting us
tells us how to live.

High purposed we must traverse
realm on realm,
cleaving to none as to a home,
the world of spirit
wishes not to fetter us
but raise us higher,
step by step.
Scarce in some safe
accustomed sphere of life
have we establish a house,
then we grow lax;
only he who is ready
to journey forth
can throw old habits off.
Maybe death's hour too
will send us out new-born
towards undreamed-lands,
maybe life's call to us
will never find an end.
Courage my heart,
take leave and fare thee well

But the lightening showed me a hidden aspect

"Do not disturb our process of rooting

with sharing your process of retreating,

be it ever so virtual, visual and non-verbal!"

"and parting was...

letting go what will always be"

I need you to spell it out,
if the lightening lit up a quest from YOU,
or rather a hole in my own wholeness.


June 4, 2003
Waiting - with Yael and Itamar - for 19:36, the daily moment of photographing the mulberry candelabra -
It was not sent!
For later that night I understood that I was demanded to say: "SHALOM!"

Sent: Wednesday, June 04, 2003 10:43 PM
Subject: Re: reassuring on sixth day - 9:36

I need you to spell it out,
if the lightening lit up a quest from YOU,
or rather a hole in my own wholeness?
[Mar simply copied my question,
but in big underlined letters,
trusting me,
that I could and needed to answer myself]










Subject: SHALOM : 2003_06_05

and now
I shall never walk alone anymore
So this shall be a final thank U
a gratefulness too small to be expressed by words
or images
to you

Blessed in wholeness

until a future time
when our wholeness will
make us meet again
if it might all please us then



Do not torture me!
I don't understand!

[after I had sent the above, I understood,
and less than two hours later
I sent the following "subject" ,
with no additional content:]

from: "joy" <>
to Mar....
Subject : SHALOM
Thursday, June 5, 00:08

It is strange, that it so happened, that I ordered these letters today – 2003_07_07 -
which was the original date of separation.
Has there ever been such loving separation as this one?
And without any denial on my part?
I feel such immense gratitude,
- for having met a true peer,
- for having been propelled into the elation of actualized love ,
and its enormous energy boost
(completion of my website and raft dream),

- for having been granted
to make this couple
apply the fourfold alef!


June 5, 2003 The Mulberry candelabra , in Hebrew called "tout", which in French means "all"

From June 5 until June 21 - the summer-solstice - I did my work of mourning, my walk of mourning, every evening,
and photographed the mulberry candelabra always at the same hour: 7:36 PM,
but I did no longer send it or - contact Mar ever again.
The images I transferred to "Communication with Deity" on June 10, 2006




Nourishment for this period of my life, on this day...

I came across this passage on the last page of the Blue Book of RUOW,
and felt, that it was directly talking to me, even more than before....

From the communication with Deity on June 10, 2003

"You will always do,
because that's natural,
look at your grandkids, not a second are they not doing.
But your doing was immersed in so much suffering,
that it often counteracted the benefit for those people,
for the world at large,
for which you cared so much.

"Now it is different.
Now your neediness,
yes that's the word - neediness not need! -
for "doing" something to reduce suffering ,
which despite all your rephrasings still hid behind everything you did ,

this neediness is gone

"What is left is that great joy in meeting challenges,
and in creating with the materials of life and with people,
which you have advocated at the end of your"Partnership" time
as the sole motive for any action and activity,
but you were a bad model then.
You'll be a good model now.
...'ll be trained in living moment by moment
with that intensity of learning, creating, loving,
which is needed to truly and profoundly feel
satisfaction and contentment,
Accomplishment and fulfillment,
and great great joy. "



to my Work of Driving Backward to the Mar-Mar Dialog in May 2003,
a work to which I've dedicated all the Festive Days
of the beginning of the Jewish New Year 5769:

Eve of Rosh-Hashanah ~~ Rosh-Hashanah 1st day ~~Rosh-Hashanah 2nd day,
Yom Kippur ~~~~~ Succot 1st day~~~~Simchat-Torah

Mar's first letter on April 20 led to my answer on April 21,
which led to his response on April 27, which led to my response on May 2,
and then from May 4-5 the intensity grew by the hour.
On May 30 the purpose of this love - which I knew only in hindsight - was fulfilled.
I had to retreat and on June 4, I understood that I had to part from Mar totally.

30 days of virtual love were as enriching as 30 weeks or even 30 months
could have been BEFORE the possibilities of the Internet.

My roller-coaster of feelings during this work
climbed up to the elation of having "tasted" the kind of "peership" for which I so long:
total truth and transparency,
no denial and no projections,
total parentalness

and soon rushed, tumbled down into the abyss of my "Being Too Much",
of squashing the other with the lava-streams of what I need to share and to teach.

The last days before Mar responded to my adamant demand to stop the "secrecy"
and while he began his real work with his wife and could hardly relate to me,
I fell into a frenzy of sharing myself
- and though every line was sculpted carefully, never carelessly spilt out ,
the lava-stream was squashing him , and not only in my imagination, but in reality.
The more I followed those lava-streams, the more I flushed with unbearable shame.
But the shame helped me to become clear about what was missing in this relationship,
as in all relationship with men before:
Mar did not claim, that there was equality,
nor did he claim, that his feelings for me matched my feelings towards him.
There is simply not a spot in him, which triggers me
nor is there the slightest temptation in me to project on him.
I was the priestess of love for him and his wife,
and I know this role of mine well.

The question I have to answer NOW, is:
What was- is - my lesson or blessing from the Mar-Mar virtual dialog,
in addition to having "TASTED" some aspects of true "peership"?

I can discern a desperate tendency to deny the lack of equality!
And a hoard of memories concerning all my life wants to pester me again.
It is now one year exactly, that I asked my best friend Yanina to freeze our relationship
"because we are not equal, and therefore I don't get what I need to receive,
nor are you capable of receiving, what I need to give."

Yanina totally agreed, and there has not been any contact between us since.
The same "freezing" I followed through with all other old or less old friends.
Only the 26 people, to whom I'm tied by a mutual dependency, are in my life.
It is with these, that I must practice the GATE-message, and there is much to train.

But even if I'll become a champion of
"sharing myself in a way that I enhance the sharing of others"
. - this will not help me to find a peer like David and like Mar
who were true with me and parental to themselves
but who will also be truly equal.
As long as I have to restrain my lava-streams in order to NOT squash a "peer",
I have not found this peer, however much the other criteria of peership are met.
I must long for this peer and not waver in longing,

like I learnt from "Old Heart-New Heart"

"Even the longing for another to share that love
can be fulfilled by lovingly accepting the desire itself.
Unfulfilled desire has been difficult for Old Heart to accept.
As New Heart you channel loving Spirit
and move to fully accept the desire just as it is,
unfulfilled and all.
As you embrace your unfulfilled desire for real love,
you empower the fulfillment of your desire~~~
and not just inside of you,
inside all of manifestation as well.
It is as if all of Creation
is held in the loving arms of New Heart.





October 21

Tishrei 22
Simchat Torah

5th day of turning
"my greed to create
+ Cain's need la-têt
into a" GATE",

Actions:  To the pool (2) climbing up and down the Wadi of Compassion
Garden: working watering
Kisslog: healing-creating
TV & Internet: learning

Interactions: [Ofir-Amit on bike]
A visitor - Sami - with whom I didn't want to interact at all, since he is not one of my 26!. But since he is a Bedouin, I had to be very careful with showing him my boundary.He wanted to take me to the Dead Sea...

Parting from
my obsession
to complete

this page---
on November

Intro to k.i.s.s.-l o g + all dates ~ Library of 7 years ~ HOME ~ contact ~ SEARCH ( of Latin characters only!)                  my eldest granddaughter's video-gallery

whole&full-filled, never perfect&complete
Keep It Simple Sweetheart
K.I.S.S. - L O G    2 0 0 8