Biographical Sculptures
I am totally committed to heal myself into wholeness - and as a hologram - all of Creation

MY ORDEAL

2002_11_09; final update: 2003_06_27;
updated once more on 2008_12_15 and dedicated to starchild Lior Oren
Latest Update: 2010_09_27

Though at present (Dec. 2008) I am certain of the work
I'm meant to accomplish,
I hoped that the quote from St. Hildegard of Bingen would comfort young Lior,
who - after 20 years of "dictated life"- does not yet know what life to choose.

When everyone thought I was fulfilling my dreams,
and was either glad for me or envious of me,
I crawled around at the bottom of my ordeal:

What was I doing here? Living in a bus? What for?

I came across an old collage of mine around a quote from St. Hildegard of Bingen: "The longing of the soul, in which the blessed human turns to God seeking the work, which s/he is meant to accomplish, will not ever be quenched." This is bad English, but I can't come up with anything better. And I feel right now, with tears in my eyes, that only a German could have written that. She, a woman, expressed about 850 years ago, what I have been experiencing from the age of six:

"The eternal dilemma: Should I take the initiative, or should I let life happen?"

From an old collage: "Idyllic scenes: - An improvised Bible lesson with Kuti (a visitor from Kfar Truman, who advised me to park my bus there in order to train - Maya, my dog, with the help of a dog-trainer family, see the coincidence "Kfar Truman" below!!!!) - The now painted bus, with the "Bat-Sheva" plant I took with me (from my former flat), and which now creeps up the bus, a table and chairs on the "porch" - and indeed, there were moments of intense happiness, the kind of which I had almost not known, but more dominant was the suffering and the powerlessness in the face of the non-accomplishment of many dreams."

I was 47 on these photos, with a full life behind me, my family, my books, my teaching, "Partnership". But all I had learnt, loved, suffered, done, lived, was nothing more than "just getting prepared, just maturing" towards the "actual work". "Die ganze Arbeit ist stille sein" - "The whole work is to be silent", was a saying by Goethe, which I wanted to apply, but could not.

I am grateful, that I was allowed "to accomplish" something on this planet, after all,
though it's but a model of a grand vision, of which nothing more has manifested so far.

The two red "Adam be-Midbar" pages are an example of how I wanted to teach "Humans in the Desert" ,
one of uncountable "failures"...

Two Poems which had been glued to the "kitchen" in my bus for many years: "I BELIEVE" by one of the first Zionist Hebrew Poets, Tchernichovsky [inserted in the 2007 song-game] and the other poem in my own translation by Martin Buber, found after his death, "ELIYAHU" [see my 2007 page "Integration"]

"And again I began from scratch" - a song I made in 1983
and a letter to Tamir in 1999 "Not destruction, but redemption is the intention",
which includes an insight of the Auschwitz survivor Helena Hammermesh

"And again I start from the beginning as one of the smallest [qtanot, s. the coincidence at the bottom of this page] in your kingdom, such a coward. [or: so self-righteous, so judgmental, so jealous etc.] "My power, my grace is strong in the small ones! Nor does a free man understand the chained. Give thanks to your chain!" As to the continuation of this diary-entry, I'll (Sept. 27, 2010) insert the translation: "Helena Hammermesh from Hod-Hasharon, a survivor of Auschwitz, who even at the age of 70 visited schools in Israel, in order to talk about the little light in the time of the holocaust- small actions of human dignity. In March 1991 I visited her again - after the first Gulf War. "This war revived the trauma of Auschwitz. For the very first time I really died: I sensed the gas, they threw me out of the gas cell, uprooted two gold-teeth from my mouth, I was dead. And then I woke up and saw a piece of blue sky. I am now sure that the world will not be destroyed! The World goes towards redemption and not towards chaos. God now searches for a way to redeem the world and not to liquidate it. Just as it happened to me: I wanted to be a fire-bird: 'may my soul die with the world', and then I transformed from one who destroys the world to one who builds it. I'm doing this for myself. There are labor pains, not destruction..."

2003_06_27; towards an incomplete (temporary) completion of Healing-K.i.s.s.

I am again on the verge of a new lekh-lekhâ, [see Noah' Shore History]
and intense feelings permeate me to the last of my capillaries:
grief about having to part from two years of an almost comfy-cosy life,
excitement towards an "advanced" lesson in "Healing into Wholeness",
and apprehension, fear, terror of what I'm about to create for myself.

While searching for an animated smiley in my folders,
I came across these self-timer photos made in May 2003.
The purpose then was to make a triptych for a "PEER",
[whom I was permitted to touch only virtually - via e-mail - for some 40 days,
see K.is.s.-Log 2008, from Sept. 29 onward, where i inserted the Mar-Mar correspondence]
under the self-imposed condition, that I wouldn't fumble with "getting it right".
I allowed myself 3 one-time shots only, two while dancing my Sama'a,
and one while imagining that I was looking into my PEER's eyes.
Whatever would come out, would represent me, but I wouldn't mail it.
The result was so striking, that I now want to insert it here,
as representing ME:
partly hidden ~~~~~~~~~~~~ not-very-flattering ~~~~~~~~~~~~ glorious

Abyss calleth unto abyss at the voice of Thy cataracts; all Thy waves and Thy billows are gone over me.

Psalm 42:8 a bad recording of my singing in May 2000- to the little waterfall at my Dead Sea spring moved now to Song-Game 2007