Biographical Sculptures
I am totally committed to heal myself into wholeness - and as a hologram - all of Creation

MY ORDEAL

2002_11_09; "final"update: 2003_06_27;
updated once more on 2008_12_15 and dedicated to starchild Lior Oren
Latest Updates: 2010_09_27; 2013-07-21

Though at present (Dec. 2008) I am certain of the work
I'm meant to accomplish,
I hoped that the quote from St. Hildegard of Bingen would comfort young Lior,
who - after 20 years of "dictated life"- does not yet know what life to choose.

When everyone thought I was fulfilling my dreams,
and was either glad for me or envious of me,
I crawled around at the bottom of my ordeal:

What was I doing here? Living in a bus? What for?

I came across an old collage of mine around a quote from St. Hildegard of Bingen: "The longing of the soul, in which the blessed human turns to God seeking the work, which s/he is meant to accomplish, will not ever be quenched." This is bad English, but I can't come up with anything better. And I feel right now, with tears in my eyes, that only a German could have written that. She, a woman, expressed about 850 years ago, what I have been experiencing from the age of six:

"The eternal dilemma: Should I take the initiative, or should I let life happen?"

From an old collage: "Idyllic scenes: - An improvised Bible lesson with Kuti (a visitor from Kfar Truman, who advised me to park my bus there in order to train - Maya, my dog, with the help of a dog-trainer family, see the coincidence "Kfar Truman" below!!!!) - The now painted bus, with the "Bat-Sheva" plant I took with me (from my former flat), and which now creeps up the bus, a table and chairs on the "porch" - and indeed, there were moments of intense happiness, the kind of which I had almost not known, but more dominant was the suffering and the powerlessness in the face of the non-accomplishment of my imagined "vocation"

I was 47 on these photos, with a full life behind me, vast studies of Greek&Latin, Protestant Theology, Languages, especially excruciating: Arabic my family, my books, my teaching, "Partnership". But all I had learnt, loved, suffered, done, lived, was nothing more than "just getting prepared, just maturing" towards the "actual work". "Die ganze Arbeit ist stille sein" - "The whole work is to be silent", was a saying by Goethe, which I wanted to apply, but could not.

I am grateful, that I was allowed "to accomplish" something on this planet, after all,
though it's but a model of a grand vision, of which nothing more has manifested so far.

The two red "Adam be-Midbar" pages are an example of how I wanted to teach "Humans in the Desert" ,
one of uncountable "failures"...

Two Poems which had been glued to the "kitchen" in my bus for many years: "I BELIEVE" by one of the first Zionist Hebrew Poets, Tchernichovsky [inserted in the 2007 song-game] and the other poem in my own translation by Martin Buber, found after his death, "ELIYAHU" [see my 2007 page "Integration"]

"And again I began from scratch" - a song I made in 1983
and a letter to Tamir in 1999 "Not destruction, but redemption is the intention",
which includes an insight of the Auschwitz survivor Helena Hammermesh

"And again I start from the beginning as one of the smallest [qtanot, s. the coincidence at the bottom of this page] in your kingdom, such a coward. 2013: "stukk so dull and dumb in what I feel, though I know, that I am to be a pioneer of evolution in feeling>vibrating>understanding "My power, my grace is strong in the small ones! Nor does a free man understand the chained. Give thanks to your chain!" As to the continuation of this diary-entry, I'll (Sept. 27, 2010) insert the translation: "Helena Hammermesh from Hod-Hasharon, a survivor of Auschwitz, who even at the age of 70 visited schools in Israel, in order to talk about the little light in the time of the holocaust- small actions of human dignity. In March 1991 I visited her again - after the first Gulf War. "This war revived the trauma of Auschwitz. For the very first time I really died: I sensed the gas, they threw me out of the gas cell, uprooted two gold-teeth from my mouth, I was dead. And then I woke up and saw a piece of blue sky. I am now sure that the world will not be destroyed! The World goes towards redemption and not towards chaos. God now searches for a way to redeem the world and not to liquidate it. Just as it happened to me: I wanted to be a fire-bird: 'may my soul die with the world', and then I transformed from one who destroys the world to one who builds it. I'm doing this for myself. There are labor pains, not destruction..."

2003_06_27; towards an incomplete (temporary) completion of Healing-K.i.s.s.

I am again on the verge of a new lekh-lekhâ, [see Noah' Shore History]
and intense feelings permeate me to the last of my capillaries:
grief about having to part from two years of an almost comfy-cosy life,
excitement towards an "advanced" lesson in "Healing into Wholeness",
and apprehension, fear, terror of what I am about to create for myself.

While searching for an animated smiley in my folders,
I came across these self-timer photos made in May 2003.
The purpose then was to make a triptych for a "PEER",
[whom I was permitted to touch only virtually - via e-mail - for some 40 days,
see K.is.s.-Log 2008, from Sept. 29 onward, where I inserted the Mar-Mar correspondence]
under the self-imposed condition, that I wouldn't fumble with "getting it right".
I allowed myself 3 one-time shots only, two while dancing my Sama'a,
and one while imagining that I was looking into my PEER's eyes.
Whatever would come out, would represent me, but I wouldn't mail it.
The result was so striking, that I now want to insert it here,
as representing ME:
partly hidden ~~~~~~~~~~~~ not-very-flattering ~~~~~~~~~~~~ glorious

Abyss calleth unto abyss at the voice of Thy cataracts; all Thy waves and Thy billows are gone over me.

Psalm 42:8 a bad recording of my singing in May 2000- to the little waterfall at my Dead Sea spring moved now to Song-Game 2007