LEMURIA.............................................92

ATLANTIS........................................ ...96

DRUGS..............................................109

UNDERSTANDINGS OF DENIAL...... ...112

FORM AND GRAVEN IMAGES..............122

RIGHT USE OF WILL AS A HEALING      POWER FOR YOURSELF AND EARTH124

STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE   RECOVERY......................................130

INTIMIDATING FORM ........................134

Flowers which I enjoyed on the Titorah-Hill at Modi'in in 2002

1984-page 70 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

usually presented as an open-minded report
on what is happening in the world.
The repetitious presentation of this reality
has programmed people to expect things to be a certain way,
to remain a certain way
and to change according to the ways that have been projected.
Making a claim to be open-minded
while denying the holding of judgments that limit that openness
misleads others.
The ones doing this have responsibility here,
as no one is to impose a viewpoint on another
even if it is supposed to be the view of authority.

Advertising also has responsibility here
because advertising has appeared to be presenting
facts and truth about products,
but has grossly misrepresented the true situation
and been very guilty of omitting information.
Even in telling the "facts", advertising has twisted them in many ways
so that what is relevant has been overlooked by many people.
Many have partially seen this,
but few have realized the full implication to the Will.
Advertising has been reaching the subconscious
where it has access to the denials people hold
and even the power to get response from denied parts of people
without the people themselves recognizing this.

Intent is needing mention here.
Understand that this is not a simplistic Creation.
intent to understand Me will guide you to understand me
and intent to deny Me will guide you to deny me.
Many well-meaning people
that have limits which are not everyone's limits
and personal denial that prevents the presence of full understanding present things through the media
that have value and intent to communicate.
This is not what I am pointing out.
You need to feel the difference here
and realize that everything that appears to be the same
is not necessarily the same.
Everything that claims to have good intent does not.

The reality of young children is especially vulnerable to influence
before they have the awareness to understand these influences.
Young children have the ability to feel these things however,
and this ability should not be denied or overlooked.
It can be seen also that the reason
television has such a strong grip on many young children
is because they do not have enough
of any other reality in their lives
to counteract this strong influence.
Children's television programs,
the advertising aimed at them
and even the educational shows
have programmed responses

2010-page 64 ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

Many have been promoting beliefs,or judgments,
to obscure what they have really been doing.
In the presentations being made here,
there has not been intent to find, accept or reveal the truth.
Many twists and turns have been presented to people
about education, health, medicine,
nutrition, diet, exercise, a
griculture, politics, international relations,
interpersonal relationships,
birth, death, taxes,
the legal system, governments, law enforcement,
My Loving Presence and nearly everything else.
Many judgments are also fed to children in school,
as though
they are the truth.

The legal system has repeatedly stated that it wants only the facts
and has routinely accepted twists and turns on judgments
in place of facts.
So far, whenever the legal system has been involved,
it has almost always involved an overriding of free Will
in the way the "facts" are presented and the settlements reached.
Many people feel they have been forced into compliance by a system
that has not told them
they have any other option or provided them with one.
Imposing the same rules, regulations and limits on everyone
has been called fairness,
but lacks the flexibilitiy and sensitivy to individual needs and differences that an attuned Will could provide.


It is, also, not appropriate for one set of limits to cover entire areas
so that people have no place to freely express themselves.
Every minority, even if the minority is only one person,
has to have a place in which it can freely express itself.
Trapping people within society's limits
when people have deliberately removed themselves
in an effort to escape these limits,
and following people out into the countryside to impose limits on them,
which, if appropriate at all,
would only be appropriate in concentrated population centers,
is not the practice of free Will.
Even though you can probably immediately think of examples
where it seems that this couldn't be the right understanding,
intervening is only appropriate
to preserve the balance point of not allowing anyone to override another, for example, harming them.
When people are trying to get free, they must be allwoed to get free.


Another prominent form of denial is the media.
The media has been interpreting reality
by what it omits and what it includes.
Not reporting some things has been focusing the public on a reality
that has been selected for it.
Even in what has been reported,
many of the relevant aspects have been omitted.
This has been done consciously in many cases and, also, unconsciously when the ones doing this have held the same narrow view of reality being presented in their reporting.
This is a twist on judgments

1984-page 71 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

and realities into young children.
The bright flashing colors of television
remind them of colors in the other planes of existence
that they still remember,
and so these bright colors attract them. I
t is known that children's minds open
and receive the quick succession of projected images
without having time to contemplate them.
A programmed reality is being presented to them in this way,
and this reality is telling them what the world is like
and how they should respond
before they can find out for themselves.

All of this amounts to presenting a judgmental picture of the world
while claiming it is the reality of the world,
the way in which the world works,
how the world has been all along
and how it is going to continue to be.
This undermines the children's creative imagination,
through which they create their reality as children
and which is meant to evolve
and remain an active part of them as adults.
This programming has been sidetracking the energy field
of many people on Earth.
Instead of projecting their own reality,
these people are now helping to hold the pattern
being given out by a few people.
These few people have thus used the media
to project a continuance of their own version of reality
and have done this while denying they are doing it.

Many parents do this same thing to their own children
without realizing it.
The creative imagination of childhood
is meant to be given freedom and encouragement to develop.
The child is not meant to have a programmed reality
conditioned into its being.
The child is meant to contact the world in its own way
and absorb what feels good to it and let the rest go.

Each Spirit when it incarnates on the Earth
is meant to be given in every life another chance
to create its reality according to its own Heart's desire.
If this, in fact, were happening,
reality on earth would already have much more variety
and many more possibilities open to individuals
and even many more levels of reality available to those
that felt attracted to experience them.
These realities could even exist side by side
and not bother one another at all.
The grip of mass programming
has severely reduced this evolutionary process
to a very linear and limited progression
of near sameness for every Spirit incarnating,
especially in America and countries following her lead.
This, in fact, is not appropriate any more .

Government has participated in this also.

2010-page 65 ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

because this information is usually presented
as an open-minded report on what is happening in the world.
The repetitious presentation of this reality has been programming people to expect things to be a certain way,
to remain a certain way
and to change according to the ways that have been projected. Presenting information as though it is open-minded,
while denying the holding of beliefs and judgments
that limit that openness,
misleads people.


Advertising also has responsibility here
because advertising has been making it appear
that facts and truth are being presented while omitting information
and grossly misrepresenting the true situation.
Even when "facts' have been presented,
advertising has twisted them in ways
that have caused many people to overlook other relevant aspects.
When given their full context,
many of these so-called"facts" can be seen to be irrelevant or even lies. Advertising and the media have used many devious and subtle methods to promote the reality they have wanted to project,
including seeking to manipulate people
by gaining access to their "subconscious"
without the people, themselves, recognizing that this is happening.


Many people have seen this, or partially seen this,
but few have realized the full implication to the Will.
The reality of young children is especially vulnerable to influence
before they have the awareness to understand
or discern among these influences.
Many young children have been very manipulated by the media
even as to what emotions they feel.
Young children have the ability to feel these things, however,
and this ability should be recognized, and encouraged,
rather than denied or overlooked.
When young children have been manipulated
before they have found themselves,
they can have a very difficult time finding their true self later.
It can also be seen
that television has such a strong grip on so many children
because they do not not have enough
of any other engaging reality in their lives
to counter this strong influence.
Children's television programs,
the advertising aimed at them
and even the educational programs,
all have twists and turns on judgments
programming responses and "reality" into children.
The bright, glowing colors of the television screen
remind many children of the way colors look in other planes of existence that they still remember, and so, these bright colors attract them.
It is known that children's minds open
and receive the quick succession of projected images
without having time to do anything other than take them in.
A programmed reallity is being presented to them in this way,
and this reality is telling them how the world is

1984-page 72 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

One of the ways to pressure for conformity is the passing of laws
that force participation in mass consciousness
and impede the freedom to experiment with other ways of living. Governments have revealed intent
by choosing to enforce or overlook their own laws
according to the situation and the influence it will have on their system. It has been to the benefit of those in power
to have the people programmed in such a way
that they believe their personal freedom and strength
are not sufficient to overcome the oppression.
Instead of oppressing,
government is meant to study, advise and hold the balance points
in order to provide an atmosphere
of the most balanced personal freedom.


Twists and turns on judgments
are very prevalent in Earth's reality at this time.
Judgment is limiting enough,
but judgment takes a more serious turn
when it is twisted by the claim that there is no judgment.
The medical and scientific professions have been doing just this.
They have been acting on the assumption
that all people are just about alike.
In reality, people are not so alike.


Medicine and Science, for example,
have established the minimum daily requirements for certain nutrients without realizing that different people
vibrating at different rates
and receiving different amounts of light in varying colors
need different nutrients in different amounts.
The life style, the background pollution and every other variable
is a factor to be taken into account here too.


Every time a factor is rendered irrelevant,
it is a form of judgment and denial.
Reality is not something
that should be delineated and defined in such a limited way.
Reality is supposed to be fluid and evolving.
Everything has consciousness
and nothing can be denied its role in Creation,
Alchemists tried to include everything relevant in their science
and showed that scientific delineation and experimentation
is irrelevant to actual reality.
Denial of this realization is powering science right now.


With few exceptions, the schools are also reinforcing
and further programming the mass view of reality.
Even telling children that fairyland exists only in stories
is giving them an image of reality based on many judgments.
This denial does something worse than just disappointing the children;
it teaches them from an early age
to deny what they see right in front of them.

2010-page 66 ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

and how to respond
before they have the experience to know for themselves
or can find their own responses.


All of this amounts to presenting a judgmental picture of reality
on a wave of strong impressions that this is the reality of the world,
the way the world works, how the world has always been
and how it is going to continue to be.
This undermines chldren's creative imagination,
which is how they create ther reality,
and which is meant to evolve
and remain an active part of them as adults.
Watching large amounts of media-produced programming
manipulates and impairs the development of a child's emotions
and has been sidetracking the energy field of many people on Earth.
Instead of projecting their own reality,
many people have been helping to hold the patterns in place
that have been given out by a few people.
These few people have, thus, used the media
to project and protect a continuance of their own version of reality
and have done this while denying they are doing it.


Many parents do this same thing to their own children
without realizing it.
The creative imagination of childhood
is meant to be given freedom and encouragement to develop.
Children are not meant to have a programmed reality
conditioned into their being .
Children are meant to contact the world in their own way,
with the freedom to accept what feels good to them
and turn away from that which they do not like.


Each Spirit, when it incarnates on the Earth,
is meant to be given another chance to gain the understandings needed. Right Use of Will can enable
the gaining of needed understandings in these areas.
Clearing the energy field can open the way
for reality to be created according to Heart's desire.
If this, in fact, were happening, reality on Earth would be much more fun, have more variety and many more possibilities open to individuals
and even many more levels of reality available
to those who felt attracted to them.
The grip of mass programming
has severely reduced this evolutionary process
to a very limited and linear progression
of near sameness for every Spirit incarnating,
especially in the United States and for those following her lead.

Government has also participated in this.
One of the ways to pressure for conformity is the passing of laws
that force participation in mass consciousness
and impede the freedom to experiment with other ways of living.
Governments have revealed intent
by choosing to enforce or overlook their own laws
according to the situation and the influecne it will have on their system.
It has been to the benefit of those in power

1984-page 73 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

They become convinced that this denial is true,
when in fact it is not true.
In this way, they are taught
to disconnect from their own awareness and perceptions.
One of the most direct ways to reverse this influence
and regain full consciousness
is to start noticing everything you usually ignore.
Give it acceptance and any expression you can.
By starting with whatever you can notice first
that would have otherwise been denied by you,
and by cultivating
the listening, receiving and noticing aspects of your nature
and expanding their expressive possibilities,
you will be amazed
at how your consciousness can expand
and unfold into wider awareness.
Everyday reality at present on Earth is both limiting possibilities
and having its possibilities limited through patterns
which are being held within rigid forms
that are not really reality
but only the image that people are holding of reality,
and there is little consciousness of the difference.


Churches and world religions
that hold the image of themselves as having the best belief system
have responsibility here as well.
The images that they promote are not the full picture,
but are based in judgments which they project as fact.
These churches and world religions hold images of Me
which limit My ability to approach the people involved
because they are wanting to fit Me within the limited image of Me
which they have accepted as real. [I don't understand this, if you, God, don't like this, then why are you "attracting it"? Or are you saying, that since we have Free Will, your own Will must be sacrificed for this? Please help- November 1, 2011]


I am much more than what has been received on Earth so far.
I am a Living, Expanding, Evolving God;
My word has always been the right teaching
for the time, place and situation in which it has been given.
As the consciousness grows and expands,
I can give more understanding.
There is not a limit to this process;
images can join each other and more forms of truth can be recognized. The judgment that I am the same now as I was long ago,
and that I have nothing more
than that which I revealed long ago to reveal now
are two of the main underlying judgments being held
that are tied into the core
of what has been slowing down the Earth's evolutinary process so much. This manner of judging
without acknowledging that judgment is taking place
is needing attention and understanding
in order to open space for more change and growth on Earth.


A major way
through which many have attempted to avoid their judgments
has been to externalize them in the ways

2010-page 67 ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

to have people programmed in such a way
that they believe their personal power and strength
are not enough to overcome the oppression.
Instead of oppressing,
government is meant to study, advise and hold the balance points
in order to provide an atmosphere
of the most balanced personal freedom.


Intent is needing mention here.
This is not a simplistic Creation.
Intent to understand Me will guide you to understand Me,
and intent to deny Me will lead you to deny Me.
Many well-meaning people,
who have limits that are not everyone's limits,
as well as personal denials
that prevent the presence of full understanding
have, even so, presented things
that have value and intent to communicate.
This is not what I am talking about here.
They are sharing the extent of their knowledge
while others are limiting the extent of knowledge they share.
Being able to feel the difference here can show you
that many things that appear to be the same
are not necessarily the same.
Everything that has claimed to have good intent, does not.
Twists and turns on judgments
are very prevalent in Earth's reality at this time.
Judgment is already limiting,
but judgment takes a more serious turn
when it is twisted by the claim that it is in fact, not judgment.


Medicine and science, for another example,
have established the minimum daily requirements for certain nutrients without including in the spectrum
that different people, vibrating at different rates
and receiving different amounts of light in varying colors,
need different nutrients in different amounts.
Lifestyle, ancestral lineage, stress, pollution and every other variable
are all factors to be taken into account here, too.


Every time a factor is rendered irrelevant,
it is a form of judgment and denial.
Reality is not something
that should be delineated and defined in such limiting ways.
These are attempts to lock up reality
when reality is supposed to be fluid and evolving.
Everything has consciousness
and nothing is to be denied its role in Creation.
The way in which most scientific experiments have been delineated renders them irrelevant to a free reality.
The denials powering most of modern science
have produced a reflection of their imbalances.


With few exceptions, schools have also been reinforcing
and further programming the mass view of reality.
Presenting a particular version of science and evolution as fact,
while not accepting Creation as a participant in this
is a twist and turn on judgmens that is misleading to people.
Even telling children that faerie-land exists only in stories,
is giving them an image of reality

1984-page 74 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

described here and then to try to control everything
in the hope that they can succeed in confining reality.
Externalizing judgments and claiming they are not judgments but reality, and claiming further that nothing therefore can be done about it,
is a heavy denial
not only of personal responsibility but also of personal creative power. This denial carries deep-running currents
that wash away and erode a person's ability to create his own reality. Denial of this sort is extensive and is very harmful to the ones doing it because in doing it they have also externalized parts of themselves which will have to be recovered.
[end of "Turns and Twists on Judgmens" in the 1984 version]

2010-page 68 ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

that is based in many judgments.
This denial does something worse than just disappointing children;
it teaches them , from an early age,
to deny what many of them see right in front of them.
Most children have been convinced that many denials are true,
when, in fact, they are not true.
This is one of the many ways
in which people have been taught to disconnect
from the full spectrum of their own awareness and perceptions
This conditioning can make it difficult
to suspend judgment and stop dismissing these things.
One of the most direct ways to increase openness
and widen the spectrum of awareness and perceptions
is to start noticing, as much as you can,
what you would usually ignore.


By starting with whatever you can notice first,
which may be feelings you have generally dismissed as unacceptable, giving it as much acceptance and expession as you can,
and by encouraging
the listening, receiving and noticing aspects of your nature
and expanding their expressive possibilities,
you may be amazed
at how your consciousness can expand and unfold into wider awareness.
At present on Earth,every day reality is both
limiting possibilities
and having its possibilities limited through patterns
that have been held within rigid forms.
These forms are not really reality.
They are the images people have been projecting of reality,
and there has been little awareness of the difference.


Churches and world religions
that have been holding the image of themselves
as having the best belief system
have responsiblity, here, as well.
The images they promote are not the full picture.
They are based in judgments that have been projected as fact.
When churches and world religions hold beliefs in place
about what I am,
receptivity to My Loving Light can be limited
by believing I must fit with the limited image of Me
which they have accepted.


I am much more than what has been received on Earth so far.
I am a living and evolving God.
Belief systems reflect the ability to open and receive Me
at the time they have been adopted.
My Word has always been right
for the time, place and situation of those receiving it.
When people receive Me according to their own limitations,
problems arise when those who may not have the same limitations
do not question this
or are intimidated into feellng that they dare not question this. Questioning has intent behind it ,
and should not all be labeled "doubt" or "lack of faith."
As consciousness grows and expands, I can give more understanding. There is not a limit to this process. I
mages can become fluid, expand and align with one another.
As consciousness expands,

2010-page 69b ["Twists and Turns on Judgments"]

more forms of truth, and deeper forms of truth, can be recognized.


The judgment that I am the same now as I was long ago
and that I have nothing more to teach people
than what was revealed long ago,
are two of the judgments tied into the core
of what has taken the spiral of evolution on Earth
into the circular patterns of repetition.
Externalizing judgments
so that they are presented as fact instead of opinion,
are major ways in which many judgments have been hidden.


When judgments become rigid forms,
they can attempt to control everything
and hold reality static within these limitations.
This way of judging,
without acknowledging that judgment is taking place,
has become very prevalent and needs attention.
Denials externalize parts of the self that will have to be recovered. Externalizing judgments and claiming they are not judgments, but reality, and further claiming
that nothing can be done about it because it is just "the way it is,"
is a heavy denial of personal responsibility
and of personal experience, reality and creative power.
These denials carry deep-running currents
that erode and wash away people's ability to create their own reality. Since these denials cannot be approached outwardly
without receiving more denial,
internal movement is necessary
to reclaim these externalized parts of the self.

End of "Twists and Turns on Judgments" in the 2010 Version.
In this version now follows the chapter "ACCEPTANCE",,
which I've already juxtaposed to the 1984 version of "ACCEPTANCE"

1984-page 74b ["The Land of Pan"]

I now want to tell some stories
to help you understand more fully what I am talking about.
These can be very entertaining stories
if you can release fear and doubt
and realize that the popular opinion of the history of Earth
is not entirely accurate.
Man has, as I have said,
tried to get out from under his responsibility on Earth in many ways. Pretending he cannot remember things
that he does not want to remember is one of his main attempts at this. This has even gone to the extent of doctoring history
so that it sounds better.
This has not really worked though,
as quite a few people have felt that straightforwardness is lacking;
and it is.


Many people presently deny so much
that they have only a small narrow opening
through which information can be received.
This has to be reversed now
because it has reached dangerous proportions on Earth.
These stories of the past will help open your channels
so that you can begin remembering what you have denied for so long.


In the beginning, when Spirits first entered the Earth
it was in a land called Pan which is now under the Pacific Ocean.
In the land of Pan, no one had to earn a living;
everything sprang forth without effort.
Every need was met by simply desiring it to be met;
and the form in which it was met
often surprised and delighted the Spirits there.
For example, a Spirit only needed to say,'I am hungry'
and something delicious to eat would appear,

2010-page 74b ["The Land of Pan"]

I now want to tell some stories
to help you understand more fully what I am talking about.
These can be very enlightenng stories
and, if you can let yourself be triggered, helpful stories, also.


The popular version of the history of Earth is not entirely accurate
and is another example of twists and turns on judgments.
As I have said, many people have tried
to avoid their resonsibility on Earth in many ways.
Pretending not to remember things
that they have not wanted to remember
is one of the main attempts at this,
even to the extent of doctoring history
so that it sounds better to the ones seeking to avoid responsibilitiy.
This has not really worked though,
as quite a few people have felt
that straightforwardness is lacking, and it is.


Many people have been denying so much
that they have only a small, narrow opening
through which information can be received.
This has to be reversed now,
because it has reached dangerous proportions on Earth.
These stories of the past will help open your channels
so that you can begin remembering what you have denied for so long.


In the beginning, when Spirits first entered the Earth,
it was in a land called Pan, which is now under the Pacific Ocean.
In the land of Pan, or Pangea, no one had to earn a living;
everything sprang forth without effort.
Every need was met by simply desiring it to be met,
and the form in which it s was met
often surprised and delighted the spirits there.
For example, a Spirit only needed to say,
"I want to taste something good,"
and something delicious would appear,
often in a form that had not been seen before. I
f a Spirit wished to experience immersing in water,
a pool at just the desired temperature would appear,
having all the things about it that this Spirit particularly liked.
If a group of Spirits wished to swim,
the pool would have everything everyone wanted.

1984-page 75 ["The Land of Pan"]

often times in a form that had never been seen before.
If a Spirit wished to bathe,
a pool at just its favorite temperature would appear
having all the things about it that this Spirit particularly liked.
If a group of Spirits wished to swim,
the pool would have everything everyone wanted.


In the beginning all the Spirits could change forms
and though some had more mastery at this than others, all could do it.
It was not unusual at that time for a Spirit
to do acrobatics on the way to a pool with arms and legs,
and then, upon diving into the water, transform legs into a fishtail
if swimming was more fun in that form.
If, later, there was a desire to fly, wings would appear.
Some Spirits began taking this freedom and abundance for granted.
They received without feeling gratitude
and even began to use these gifts
to their own advantage.
Hoarding of the abundance
and the use of form
to present the self as other than what it was
were two ways in which these gifts were abused.

Earth was created to be a living fairy tale
without any shadow of evil or doubt.
The ones abusing the gifts were not understanding
how it was meant to be on Earth
and did not accept or even like Earth's intended way.
They did their best to make the Earth Spirits feel
like their fairyland was not real.
And to the Spirits denying Earth, it was not real
because they held a different reality.
These spirits had some home planets other than Earth
which they could not find
and had come to Earth because they were lost.
They would not admit this however.
Instead, these Spirits acted superior and said
they had come to protect Earth and all the Spirits on Earth
that insisted on living in this silly fairy tale
with no protection from what was really going on in Creation.

Shortly before this time, there had been a War in the Heavens.
The fairies and elves, brownies and pixies, dwarves and gnomes, mermaids and all the other fairy folk on Earth
had felt that the War was over
and they were in a healing, celebrating mood.
These other Spirits that claimed they had come to protect them
did not want the War to be over.
These Spirits were Warriors
that had emerged during the War in the Heavens
because they loved to fight and the fighting had called them forth.

The Earth Spirits had emerged earlier than the Warriors
[coincidence: the next day, on Nov. 2., 2011, I came across a passage in Godchannel>Folksinterview I, where these "Warriors" are mentioned]

2010-page 75 ["The Land of Pan"]

In the beginning , many of the Spirits could change forms.
Although some had more mastery of this than others, all could do it.
It was not unusual, at that time, for a Spirit
to do acrobatics on the way to a pool with arms and legs,
and then, upon diving into the water,
transform legs into a fishtail if swimming was more fun in that form.
If , later, there was a desire to fly, wings would appear.
Some Spirits began taking this for granted.
They received without feeling gratitude
and even began to use these gifts to their own advantage.
Hoarding of the abundance
and the use of form to present the self as other than what it was,
were two of the ways in which these gifts began to be abuse.



Earth was created to be a living faerie-tale
without any shadow of evil or doubt.
The ones abusing the gifts did not know how to live on Earth,
and many did not accept, or even like, Earth's intended way.
They tried to make Earth Spirits feel
that their faerie-land was silly, immature and just a pretend world.
And to the Spirits denying Earth, it was a pretend world
because they held a different view of reality within themselves.
These Spirits had home planets other than Earth and were lost.
They would not admit this, however.
Instead, these Spirits acted superior
and said they had come to protect Earth and all the Spirits
who insisted on living in this silly faerie-tale
with no protection from what was really going on in Creation.



Not long before this time, there had been a War in the Heavens.
The faeries and elves, brownies and pixies, dwarves and gnomes, mermaids and all the other faerie folk on Earth
had felt that the was was over.
They were in a healing, celebrating mood.
These other Spirits, who claimed they had come to protect them,
did not want the war to be over.
These Spirits had emerged during the War in the Heavens
because they responded to that energy and started the fight.



The Earth Spirits had emerged earlier than these larger, fighting Spirits in a great burst of golden light, and had fallen away from Me
before learning everything they had needed to know to be on their own.
Some older Rainbow Spirits and some Angels, too, had gone after them to see if they could help
because it didn't seem that they should already be on their own.
All of these Spirits had come to Earth,
and they all had one thing in common,
They all had hidden feelings of rebelliousness toward Me.
Many of them believed
I had let lack of acceptance among my different kinds of Spirits
go to unnecessary extremes,
and that because I did not stop it,
this had resulted in the War in the Heavens.

1984-page 76 ["The Land of Pan"]

in a great burst of golden Light and had gone off to Earth
before I had taught them everything they had needed to know
to be on their own.
Some of the older Rainbow Spirits and some Angels too
had gone with them
because they really weren't ready at that time to be on their own.
All of these Spirits coming to Earth had one thing in common,
they had all felt rebellious toward Me because they believed
I had let the lack of self-acceptance
among my different kinds of Spirits
go to an unnecessary extreme,
and this lack of self-acceptance
had eventually resulted in the War in the Heavens.

I now want to give a short synopsis of what happened on Earth
so that you can understand
how the Earth got to be so dense and slow that magic seems lost,
and manifesting and changing form seem difficult and slow.
This is also how it happened that nearly everyone now feels
that they have to work for a living or inherit money.
If Earth Spirits feel their true feelings,
they feel that Earth is not the way it was
or the way they really want it to be,
but that everything has become a compromise instead.


Long ago in Pan the air smelled of flowers
and the Earth was soft with mosses grasses and sandy beaches.
The rocks were gemstones
and the waters were liquid light that sparked and danced.
The weather and even the seasons
changed in reflection of the moods of the Spirits.
The harmony manifested as music.
Even the wind in the trees and the waves on the shore
gave rhythm to the melodies.
[See the Findhorn song: "I dreamt a dream a long time ago...]
The monkeys and cats and all the birds
sang and danced with the fairy folk.
[See my song about healed people laughing, singing and "dancing like elves"]
The fish and the mermaids even sang in the seas.
Everything glowed with colored light during the golden day
and also during the soft blue night.
Desire manifested reality so easily
that a Loving Spirit could extend a hand toward a tree
and that tree would flower immediately.
Reality changed magically, a
ffected by every Spirit's feelings of how it should be.


I have to speak lyrically here
because Pan was so magical, musical and free.
Earth allowed entry of many Spirits
that claimed they wanted to be part of this reality
but many of these Spirits only came to disagree with Earth
about how it should be.
They invaded earth and claimed they did not.
The rebellious ones already there
had too much fear to ask Me to make it clear.
They feared I was angry at them for leaving Me too soon.
I had sent other teachers

2010-page 76 ["The Land of Pan"]

I want to give a short synpsis of what happened on Earth
so that you can understand how the Earth came to be so dense and slow that magic seems lost
and manifesting and changing form seems difficult and slow.
This is also how it happened
that nearly everyone now feels
they have to work for a living or inherit money.
If Earth Spirits feel their true feelings,
they feel that Earth is not the way it was meant to be,
but that everything has become a trade-off or a compromise instead.


Long ago in Pan, the air smelled of flowers,
and the Earth was soft with mosses, grasses and sandy beaches.
The rocks were gemstones,
and the waters were liquid light that sprakled and danced.
The weather, and even the seasons,
changed in reflection to the moods of the Spirits.
This harmony manifested as music.
Even the wind in the trees and the waves on the seas
gave rhythm to the melodies.
The monkeys and cats and all the birds
sang and danced with the faerie folk.
The fish and the mermaids even sang in the seas.
Everything glowed with colored light during the golden day
and also during the soft, blue night.
Desire manifested reality so easily
that a Loving Spirit could extend a hand toward a tree
and that tree would flower immediately.
Reality appeared to change magically,
affected by every Spirit's feelings of how it should be.


I have to speak lyrically here
because Pan was so magical, musical and free
and is what many faerie-tales are based on.
The Spirits there allowed entry of many Spirits
who clailmed they wanted to be a part of this reality,
but many of these Spirits only came to disagree with them
about how Earth should be.
They invaded Earth and claiimed they did not.
These were fighting Spirits who said they were Warriors sent by Me.
The rebellious ones had too much fear to ask Me to make it clear.
They feared that I was angry with them for leaving Me too soon.
They feared the Spirits who were telling them they were wrong
were speaking for Me.
They dreaded and feared that they deserved punishment.


These faerie folk did not know
these Warriors had another place they were supposed to go.
They did not understand that these Warriors would create conflict wherever they went because conflict was what had called them forth. These Warriors claimed they were just in the nick of tiime
to hold the line against danger that was lurking all around
and protect these childish Spirits who were refusing to see
what actually lurked hidden in everything they could see.


In fact, these Warriors did find danger and strife lurking
wherever they looked because that was how they wanted it to be,

1984-page 77 ["The Land of Pan"]

and so they assumed I had sent these Warriors too.


These fairy folk were new children in Creation
and did not know
that the Warriors had another place they were supposed to go.
They did not understand
that the Warriors would draw conflict anyplace they would go
because the Warriors carried the conflict within themselves.
The Warriors claimed they were just barely in the nick of time
to beat back the danger that was always near
and protect these silly Spirits
that refused to see what actually lurked behind every tree.
The truth of the matter was
that these Warriors brought with them to Earth their own reality
and did find danger lurking everywhere
just because that was how they wanted to be.

The more the Warriors found danger on Earth
the more the other Spirits began to fear
that the Warriors really had reason to be near.
The more that all the Spirits began to fear,
the harder it was for them to stay clear.
Then the Warriors began to control them and tell them
what they had to do to be protected appropriately.
These Spirits also had fear that they could not depend on Me anymore for what they had received earlier
or for what they thought Creation was meant to be.
They no longer felt sure that joy and freedom had much allure. They feared that stories had to have villains to hold interest for Me.
They thought I didn't look much to Earth
because what they'd been doing there didn't have much worth.
They made judgments here that changed their reality.
It was no longer considered appropriate
to be wild and free,
everyone now was supposed to orderly.
No one, the Warriors said, was supposed to hear directly from Me. Instead, I had sent them to head the situation on Earth
and I, they said,
had asked them to protect Earth from realities that held secret dread.


An understanding needed here is
that step by step the Warriors led Earth exactly where it dreaded to be. Everyone on Earth still tried to be gay and say
they still could live in the old way.
The Warriors said they had saved the day;
the Earth Spirits said they couldn't be sure.
The Warriors wanted Earthlings to live by rules,
'Because,' they said, ' we can't protect unpredictable fools.'

The head of the Warriors then said:
"There are so many marauding Spirits flying around;
we need more protection than

2010-page 77 ["The Land of Pan"]

and that was all that they could see.
The more the Warriors claimed to be finding danger on Earth,
the more the other Spiritw began to fear
that the Warriors really had reason to be there.
The more the Earth Spirits began to fear,
the harder it became for them to stay clear.
They no longer felt sure that joy and freedom had much allure,
if they were being naive about danger lurking near.
Some even feared
that struggle and strife were a necessary part of Me and of life.


These Spirits also had fear that they had to listen to these Warriors
because they couldn't depend on Me anymore
or on what they thought Creation was meant to be.
They even thought I didn't look much to Earth
because they weren't interesting to Me,
and that what they were doing didn't have much worth.
Judgments were made here that changed their reality.
It was no longer considered appropriate to be creative, wild and free; everyone now was supposed to be orderly.
The Warriors reflected these fears by saying
the Earth Spirits wouldn't be hearing directly from Me anymore.
They said I had sent them as My emissaries and intermediaries,
to head up Earth, implement My orders
and protect them from realities full of hidden dread.
They were lying,
but the Earth Spirits didn't suspect this at first.


In this way,
step by step, the Warriors began to lead the Spirits on Earth
exactly where they dreaded to be.
Everyone on Earth still tried to be gay and free,
and play and say they still could live in their old way.
The Warriors said that they had saved the day;
the Earth Spirits felt they couln't be sure. T
he Warriors wanted Earthlings to live by rules,
"Because," they said, "we can't protect unpredictable fools."


The head of the Warriors then began to say
there were so many marauding Spirits flying around
that we need more protection than what has already been found.
He was not completely wrong either,
for as long as the Warriors were there,
there was always going to be something to fear.
They have a purpose in My Creation,
and I am not unloving toward them,
but Earth is no longer their right place.


The head Warrior called for more protection,
over and over, more and more, so loud and long
that Earth finally answered the call
by placing some protective fire dragons in the skies.
These fire dragons had taken on an intimidating form
that was huge enough to encircle the Earth.
They hung out in the skies, watching everything with very sharp eyes. With their breath of fire,
they blew away Spirits they didn't want to enter the Earth,

Here "she" grows in all "her" glory, overpowering the man-made settlements of Modi'in (to the right) and Maccabim on the border.

1984-page 78 ["The Land of Pan"]

what we've already found."
He called for more protection over and over, so loud and long
that Earth finally did respond.
He was not completely wrong either,
for as long as the Warriors were here
they always had to increase the protection.
The Warriors have a purpose in My Creation
and I am not unloving toward them,
but their right place is not on Earth.
The Warriors have a conflict to resolve in themselves
and they create an outer reality that reflects this.


The Earth finally answered the head Warrior's cry
by placing protective fire dragons in the sky.
These fire dragons had taken on an intimidating form
that was huge enough to encircle the Earth.
Their breath of fire blew away Spirits
they didn't want to enter the Earth,
but they didn't remove any that were already here.
They did not believe it was right.
The fire dragons denied their true feelings though.
There were many on Earth that they wanted to send away.
The fire dragons could have removed them too,
if they had accepted their true feelings toward Earth
and only expressed toward Spirits trying to enter for the first time. These denied feelings became dense within them
because they were not allowed to move.


The fire dragons had to take turns in the sky
and go to the fire sea in the center of the Earth to purify.
They got there through secret passageways
that only the fire dragons knew,
and in the fire sea they purified themselves
of what had made them too dense to hang in the sky.
The fire dragons found it necessary to purify
only because they had denial that wasn't receiving My Light.


The fire dragons even denied enough
to allow one of them to be treacherous and foul.
This fire dragon in actuality feared his own worth.
He externalized his judgment against himself
by seeing right place as a judgment of worth, which it is not.
Right place in My creation is what really feels best
and all of Earth's troubles
have loss of right place as part of the basic cause.
This fire dragon did not accept My Creation and, in fact, wanted My job. This fire dragon wanted to have everything ordered and mechanistic.
He had his own version of right place
and disguised his true purpose by saying,
"No one should judge that way; let all Spirits enter; let all Spirits stay."

2010-page 78 ["The Land of Pan"]

but they didn't remove any that were already there.
They did not believe that they could or should,
and so, denied their true feelings there.
There were many on Earth that they wanted to send away,
but feared it was wrong
and that they might scorch others who got in the way.
If they had accepted their own true feelings,
they could have found a way.
Instead, the fire dragons held in many of their true feelings
and only expressed towards Spirits trying to enter for the first time.


These denied feelings became dense within them
because they were not allowed to move.
When their density caused them to sink toward Earth,
they began to take turns in the sky
while the others went to the fire seas, deep in the Earth,
to purify themselves
of what had made them too dense to hang in the skies.
They got there through secret and guarded passageways
that opened only to the fire dragons.
In the fire seas, the fire dragons vented their feelings,
which often meant dumping them out.


While the fire dragons regularly purified,
their denied and pushed away feelings
opened the way for one among them to become treacherous and foul.
In actuality, this fire dragon feared his own worth
and had externalized this as right place issues of power and position.
He interpreted right place in My Creation
as a judgment of worth, which it is not.
This fire dragon saw self-worth as who had the most important place.


He actually wanted to take My place,
but he planned to begin by awarding himself
what he saw as the most important power position on Earth.
He decided he was going to make himself "head fire dragon."
He wanted to be the one to say who could come and go from Earth,
but he disguised his true purpose by saying that
'no one should judge this way.
Instead, let all Spirits enter; let all Spirits stay,"

He did not feel good to the other fire dragons,
and his words did not ring true,
but the fire dragons' own denials did not let them know what to do.
He implied that he was more loving than they .
He said they were judging him and the others who wanted to be on Earth. His presence was intimidating to the other fire dragons
who did not know what to do.
He had become the biggest,
and he turned his fire on them, which none of the others did.
Fearing they dared not speak up,
the others vented underground, when this fire dragon was not around. They wanted to tell him to leave Earth.
Instead, they asked him to leave, and he refused.
He was asked not to allow any Spirit onto Earth
unless the other fire dragons approved.
The fire dragons wanted consensus, and again, he refused.

1984-page 79 ["The Land of Pan"]

The other fire dragons did not accept their true feelings enough
to tell him to leave Earth.
He did not feel good to them and his words did not ring true,
but their own denial did not let them know what to do.
They asked him to leave
[how on the one hand they didn't tell him to leave
and on the other hand they asked him to leave,
and why does this story not tell, what they should have done in the case he refused?] and he refused.
He said they were judging him and the others he wanted on Earth.
He intimidated the other fire dragons because he was the biggest
and he turned his fire on them which none of the others did.
He was asked not to allow any Spirit onto Earth
unless the other fire dragons approved.
The fire dragons acted by concensus, and he refused.

Meanwhile the Warriors began refusing to protect Earth for free.
The Warriors were demanding gifts and service from others.
They had only to ask Me for anything,
but they would not because they believed I was unapproachable.
In this way, they were taking Light from others
instead of receiving from Me.
Gratitude was missing.
[Again: this is not clear, what has "taking Light from others" to do with "Gratitude"? ]
They all complained, and the more they complained,
the more they decided they needed to reward themselves.


The Earth Spirits felt they were having to agree
to more and more controls
and less and less abundance for themselves.
They all had seeds of denial in themselves
and were allowing this to happen.
They had fear which they covered with anger.
Their fear of Me did not allow them to come to Me for help.
They called out My name and said they were asking for My help,
but they had so much fear of Me
that they could not let in any answers for fear of what they might hear.
They feared I would not give them the answer they wanted to hear.
They did not know that I would have.
They secretly dreaded and feared
that their rebelliousness and leaving Me for Earth before I said they were ready was reason for Me to have sent controls and what seemed like punishment.
I did not do this, and yet I could not help Earth spirits
because they had too much fear and guilt to hear Me on the subject.
Meanwhile , the Warriors had too much denied fear to hear Me either.
The older Spirits I had sent to help
were not being accepted for the same reasons I was not.
These Spirits were now even being attacked
because they reminded the others of Me too much.
Because they had denied so many feelings
and denied so many feelings about Me,
these younger Spirits wanted to get rid of anything that reminded them of it.

2010-page 79 ["The Land of Pan"]

Meanwhile , the Warriors began refusing to protect Earth for free.
They began to demand gifts and services.
Without admitting that they could not manifest like the others,
the Warriors insisted that tribute was their just do.
In this way, they were using the light of others,
instead of receiving from Me.
Whatever they received from the Earth Spirits,
they saw as not being what they wanted it to be.
When they received something, gratitude was missing.
They all complained that it was not enough,
and the more they complained,
the more they decided they needed to demand for themselves.
Their power issues wanted complete control .
The Warriors demanded everything as their just do,
and still, they felt empty and incomplete
and as though what they were receiving wasn't enough.


The Earth Spirits felt
they were having to agree to more and more control
and less and less abundance for themselves.
They had fear, which many covered with anger.
Their fears about Me did not allow them to ask for My help.
They called out My Name and said they were asking for My help,
but greatly feared they would hear nothing,
or that I would not give them the answers they wanted to hear.
They beseeched Me for help, and I did not answer.
The Earth Spirits feared, even more then,
that I had sent the Warriors in My place.


I did not send the Warriors,
but I also could not lift this struggle off of Earth.
The Warriors had their own viewpoint in place of hearing Me.
Other Spirits who had gone to Earth to try and help,
found that they, also, felt unreceived and far away from My Light.
There was growing confusion and fear,
and the treacherous fire dragon
planned to take advantage of the situaton.
He suggested that they would all feel better if they had a big party
and invited all to forget their differences and celebrate what they had. He even volunteered to guard Earth alone that night
so that the other fire dragons could go to the party.


The other fire dragons did not trust him.
They decided they'd take turns guarding with him that night.
One of the fire dragons, though,
could not stand being on duty with this treacherous one.
When it was his turn, he left his post and slunk off to the fire seas, telling himself everyone was so busy partying that no one would notice. He did not feel good about doing this,
but his own denials did not allow him to find another way
to exercise what he thought was his own free Will.


The treacherous fire dragon had a plan and had been hoping
there would be a time when he could be alone in the sky. This fire

Table of Contents


THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
    I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BBEN MADE.......... 143
  [includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SAPCE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

p. 40

experimenting with the Angels to see if any combination of the Angels and My Light would have the power to open space.

The Mother looked on with very jealous and fearful eyes. It hurt Her feelings, and made Her heart feel like it had been stabbed, to see Me in the arms of other lovers. She tried to make Herself feel it was alright because of all the judgment against Her for responding otherwise, but She was never able to get over Her pain here.

The Mother always suffered as long as I had other lovers, and yet, She would always say She could not tell the difference between My Light and My Light in the Father of Manifestation. She said She often could not tell the difference between Us, or which of Us it was when she was experiencing Us. I did not trust Her. I thought this was Her way out, and a crumby one at that.

When She was angry, She told Me She knew Me better than I knew Myself and that I was the One that was crazy, not Her. But most often, My response frightened Her and She felt Herself growing sick with the feeling that it was she who was crazy and that I did not love Her.

If I loved Her, how could I take lovers in the face of Her pain and not care what it did to Her? She accused Me of having a double standard of wanting to allow Myself to be free to do as I like without allowing Her to be free to feel as She felt in response to it. Of course, I knew it was the other way around. I told the Mother Her accusations were nonsense, and I went on having lovers among the Angels. More often than not, I saw less of the Mother rather than less of the Angels.

Most of the time, the Mother allowed Herself not to look at what I was doing with the Angels because it was much too painful for Her to see what was happening there. I was slowly becoming imprisoned by them so that I was much more insignificnt than I had been in the beginning, and the Angels were much more important than they really should have been, given the position they had really taken in Creation. The Angels had become so much the spokesmen that most of the spirits never saw Me or heard from me directly anymore.

The White Light Spirits had manifested as separate entities from Me, but they really didn't like that. They had manifested as the

p. 41

result of a power struggle already apparent in Me that had resulted in the separations. I had Creation in mind, but I also did not like the idea of having to hold within Me dissident voices that could not align with what I wanted to do. When I could not gain an alignment within Me, I thought experience was what they needed to align with Me, and so, I let all the voices within Me begin to pour forth into Manifestation.

The Angels wanted all of the privileges of vibrating differently from Me along with all of the power of being Me. By surrounding Me as they did, they were holding back My Light to their level and I was allowing it because I wasn't allowing myself to feel what was happening. As long as I did not allow Myself to feel it, I did not know what was happening. Avoiding My feelings allowed Me to tell Myself anything I wanted to about what was happening because I didn't really know.

The Angels were constantly feeding Me an image of power by appearing to worship Me, while in truth, they were succeeding in getting Me to deny so much of Myself in favor of them that I was becoming more and more like them, a man among men, barely more powerful than they were. The more this went on, the more I then couldn't get along without them, which was what the Angels wanted. They wanted the privilege of being able to align with Me whenever it suited them. They called this compromise, fair exchange and agreements among gentlemen. I now see it as a power play.

Since they had manifested My uncertainties and denials, the Mother called this a very dangerous game. I did not see how it was a guilt reflection of My own making, and while I was proclaiming the Angels to be miracles of Creation, the Mother saw them as the potential destroyers of Creation.

The Angels have always been in the position of seeming to be the most loving beings in Creation, and the Mother has always felt hatred for them. When She told Me I was facing My own imminent destruction, I laughed at Her and told Her I was surrounded by loving presence and nothing more. I told Her all She could see was Her own negativity.

She grew so afraid of Me and of trusting Her own perceptions that She did not say anything more until now. She tried instead to prove Me right and Herself wrong. The Mother went all the way to Hell making Me right and Herself wrong, but no matter what She has done, She has not been able to love what was happening in Creation, The more the Mother tried to go along with allowing others to have power She really felt was Ours because guilt was

p. 40

and sin by keeping her away from me. I was trying to be as good as I could be and now God says I'm wrong. Now He says it's the other way. I'm supposed to remember Mother now and I have to get my Will to come back to me. Getting rid of my Will got rid of my pain and misery, now He says that without my Will, He can't agree to lift me from my pain and misery.

So help me God, I cannot see how I'm to please You when You don't make any sense to me. You turn around in what You tell me and then judge me for not being where You are. I feel jerked around like a puppet on a string; then You tell me I am free to be the way I want to be. So help me God, if it were up to me, I'd have you locked up for insanity.

And even if this were really to be the way that's right for me now, I cannot see how I'm to find my female side, so long lost from me, expecially after all that's come between her and me. After all of this long time of trying to please you by keeping her away, how can I find her and have any trust that we can solve anything this way, or that she still has any interest in coming my way? She doesn't trust me or even seem to hear what I have to say. What had to be faced here seemed so horrible that massive avoidance seemed to be the only way I had a chance to survive and whether she's even alive anymore I really can't say.

I stayed with the boys when I went out to play, because I thought I heard you say, I was quite sure I heard you say, that that was how you wanted it that day. Now I've apparently heard You say that I'm an Angel, or a piece of Heart that fell away, and instead of helping me, all You have to say is that You've damned me for losing my way. Some Father You are, is what I have to say. Now maybe You can see why I might not want to go Your way! To Hell with You if I'm going there anyway!

I thought I was on my way to Heaven and now You've turned it around. Now You say I'm on my way to Hell. Who are You to say which way is up and which is down? Is this something You've done on purpose to torture me, or some new test to see how certain I am of the way within me? You say my space is narrow and closing because You're no longer going to hold it open for me.funny, I thought I was living expansively. Then You parry that by telling me I'm just not noticing and that I can't figure this out mentally. The asnwer cannot be for certain found no matter how I chew this or turn it around and around. If I can't figure this out with my mind, then how do You expect me to?

I'm afraid my missing Mother can't be found. I was separated

p. 41

from Her when only a child and now my mind is running wild. Was I supposed to have a mate like Her, or was I supposed to mate with Her? I don't know, I was separated from Her so long ago when I was sure I heard my Father say, "Stay with the other boys and play. Let the girls stay with the other girls and take their own way." And so, whenever a girl wanted to play with me, or hold hands and kiss little me, I pushed her away just the way I was supposed to do. I thought I would please Father this way. The're all little sluts anyway.

[June 21, 2012: In copying this, I remember with pain, that until the appearance of the prophet Mohammed, new-born girls were buried alive - obviously so regularly, that the Arab language has a special verb for burying a female newborn alive...[there is much about it on the Internet, but what I began to read, was even more atrocious than what I knew about the slaughter of daughters, so I did not go on reading].

So what if I'm gay. What else did He expect me to do when sex reared its head in little me? There were no girls around that I could trust. There were no girls around who knew how I felt. How could I expect girls to understand that pleasing the Father is a boy's command? The other boys I played with were the only ones who ever knew how I felt and were the only comfort I ever knew.

My Father firghtened me too by having sex in mind sometimes. The rest of the time He was distant, so I learned to please Him this way. My Mother was gone, even if it was only Her mind that had wandered, and I learned to please Her by not acting like my father in this way. Sure, I knew I had gone after life with my Father at my Mother's expense, but how else do you suggest I could have survived?

I thought my Mother had gone to a place I couldn't find. I thought She had Her life and I had mine. How could I know what hardships awaited Her? I had my own plight and felt quite sure She neither knew nor cared what I was going through. Besides, I wasn't with Her. I had only my fantasies of sisters received by a Mother who didn't receive me. I did the best that I could given what I had to go on, and now I find out that that's not good enough. I suspected it all along, but it's a raw deal, that's what it is; to find out now that there's still farther to go down a whole other road, one I never took because of My Father's scolding word.

Or was it my Father? I'm not even sure. Sometimes he acted so very weird that I coudln't decide whether to take His advice or not. I am so confused. I have a feeling I need to know more than I do, but I don't know how to find it or which way to go. I don't trust anything anymore.

Trying to make sense of things has told me this; there's a gap in here someplace where I need pieces filled in, something about love lost and Original Sin. What happened to Mother has to be told. I wish Father had never judged I wasn't old enough to be told, but then I do go on overload whenever He tries to talk to me. Perhaps

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telling Her We were not right to have it, the less She liked the results.

All the way along, I did not like the reflection She was giving Me because She tried to live out the teachings I was giving Her and they were not working for Her or for anyone else in the Will Polarity. Body was successful only in so much as It polarized toward Spirit. Still, no matter what Their problems were, I wanted to say it was Their fault.

In lovemaking with the Angels, as I called it then, We felt Our Light to be expanding and We often had feelings of not being able to open the space to receive the expansion of the Light. We had feelings it was not right to have to ask the Mother to open the space, especially since the Mother contenders did not want to acknowledge that the Mother might have power they did not have but it seemed there was no other way at times.

When We did ask Her to open space for Us, we were not direct. Instead, We made Her feel guilty by acting like it was Her fault Our light could not expand because She kept pressing toward Me when it was obvious I didn't want Her that close. Then, when She would move back, Our Light would move into that space without acknowledging that She had done anything for Us. This was part of a long time during which the Mother was opening space in a state of denial of Her own power. When We did acknowledge the Mother's power to open space, We told Her that if She was keeping this power for Herself, as though She were jealously guarding any hold over Me She could retain, She should at least have unconditional acceptance for the expansion of the Light and not judge what forms the generating of Light should be allowed to take. We told Her She was acting as though She didn't want to allow the Light to rev up beyond where it already was because She could not handle it. We said She did not want Us to go up.

The Mother thought this was ludicrous. She was also horribly frightened about Herself here, and about Us, but guilt backed Her down and She did Her best to accommodate Us in order to play the role She thought I wanted Her to have, which more and more seemed to be nursemaid while My other lovers had all the fun with Me and neither the scars childbearing had given Her nor the responsibility of childbearing.

More and more since Original Cause, this has been played out as the man having more leisure time than the woman to rejuvenate his own light, often giving his best to the life he has with his career. When the woman starts looking and acting unappealing as a result of this, the man seeks another lover. Lately, more and more women

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have been revolting against this only to find that no matter what form changes they make in their lives, they are still faced with the same old battles because men still want the position they have always had and they still want to tell women their problems are their own fault. The truth of the matter is, however, that women have less success generating light and abundance for themselves, and less leisure time when they do get home from work if there is any family involved, even if it is just a husband and no children.

This is just one manifestation of the Will opening space for the Spirit without getting the recognition it deserves. This example needs mention because it is the one that is receiving major focus in the present day world, but it is not the only aspect of opening space. There are many ways in which space is being opened in a state of denial, and these many ways are not recognized or understood. They are definitely not appreciated; they are taken for granted.

All of the light I generated then with the Angels had gapped rage in it which I did not recognize. This light was lacking the softness of the Will's presence, but it had a crystalline brilliance to it that was simialr to an adrenaline rush, especially if you do not allow yourselves to feel why the rush is there and just enjoy the rushing. That is what we were doing; focusing on and enjoying the intensity of it.

the Mother allowed Herself to know She could not stand the feeling here, but She was already so frightened, and in so much pain, She could not be sure if it was from the light we were generating or not. She never dared question the Angels too closely because they looked upon Her so coldly whenever She approached them that She would quake in fear and feel so overpowered by self-hatred She could not confront them.

My light made Her feel the same and even paralyzed Her mind so She was unable to speak when I denied Her here also, but She could feel that We thought this light was superior to what I had generated with Her. It was very fast moving and almost too much for the for the Mother, who always felt like She was spinning in its presence. It was exciting and had a piercing intelligenece that was scientific, rational and free of all the subjectivity I found so bothersme in the Mother.

This light was generated in the presence of hatred for the Mother, and worse yet, denied hatred that said it was only loving and just wanted to be free to be pure light. It made the Mother feel like She needed to vomit and yet, She felt She was being forced to open space to receive this light, and even worse, vault it up as the most superior light generated yet.

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he feared I would go into shock if I knew that He pushed my Mother down into Hell to be tortured by Lucifer because He gave Lucifer the power to make Her pay and pay for all of the things She did that angered Him and impeded His way.

But I don't know this because I've never been told. Better not anger Father or He might make me pay and pay the same way. The curse I heard Him put on Mother has lasted to this very day. How could anyone expect me to take Her way? Oh, I don't like to see my Father this way. I want to move quickly past this place any way that I can. My terror of His hatred, His scolding word and His disapproving eye took me out to play even further away than He actually told me to go that day. If it weren't for my terror, I would have wanted to stay near Him and find out what happened on that terrible , long ago day.

And now, I fear I've gone crazy, babbling and muttering to myself this way. This can't be right! This can't be true! I must have gone down the wrong avenue. Whenever I've let myself talk this way, they've given me drugs to shut me up. They've always taken me to be a nut. How can children be sane when their parents are crazy? I can't help it if I'm so terribly lost and in shock. I don't even know it because I'm so busy presenting myself nicely while silently bearing the cross I was given as my lot in Life. They told me it was holy to self-sacrifice. It's not nice to feel like I do sometimes, like I'm lost in a gap that has never moved.

If my Father sends magic and fairies to get me someday, there really is a thing or two I'd like to say about how He has treated me; a thing or two I'd like to say about what happened to me since I went away because He wanted it that way. He took His space by going back to Heaven and closing the door, even posting a guard at the gate to make sure we stayed out here to suffer this fate.

Leaving us out here to play where it wasn't safe, with no one to supervise us or guide us by day, no place of love to be tucked in at night. He told us to watch over all of the others who were younger than us, as though He didn't see that we had our own plight, not the least of which was, we had lost our power of flight. No longer being able to return to Him gave us all such a terrible fright that it's no wonder we snapped off from whatever feelings we still managed to have.

We did it so well and so long ago that we do not even know how we might feel if we ever felt which feelings are phony and which are real. How does anyone ever know how to feel if feelings are gotten rid of before they are even formed enough to be real?

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How does anyone ever know how they feel if they've been abandoned and left to fend for themselves in a world where we all have to present outselves nicely and parent ourselves.

I'm so damn sick of it, sometimes I could just fight and fight and fight until there is nothing left of any of it, and so then what? So I can sit bereft in the grief of loneliness and nothing left? I'm split in two here and always have been. On the one hand, I'm so very good and nice, trying to win my Father's love and follow His advice so He'll lift me to His home in paradise. On the other hand, when my need to fight takes over, I flip out sometimes and rampage and rampage, venting my rage until, finally, in hopeless futility, I give myself up to pay the price for what I have done, knowing that it's no closer to Heaven that I have come.

For every step forward, I step back at least one if not more, and watch my Father shut Heaven's door against my rage yet once more. But I do not care. Why feel anything? Feeling anything is only hopeless despair. It's all the same in the end; death for everyone, no matter what they have done. No one knows if the kingdom of Heaven is real or ever comes. Father, I'm telling you, this is my last appeal. Please, tell me the truth and let me know somehow, Give me a sign. Help me to recognize Your word. Let me know that if I try to find my lost Will, I won't lose my mind and that I will end my ordeal, not in death, but in the life that I seek, the life of the Heart, my heart, that could have been but never was formed.

Born defective in the heart, inoperable they said, left to die all alone in the nursery at night by parents who could not stand to face the feelings they had at the sight of me when they had been told that I could not live; never holding me and letting me know if they had love for me whether I formed right or not.

"Don't get attached to this child," they were told. "That's the way to protect yourselves from overwhelming grief when he goes." That's the way to protect yourselves from a broken heart that dies in the night while the parents cover up their fear and their grief by having fight after fight about which one of them might have caused it.

Heart cannot live much longer, even though operable in this modern day, because form follows function, it can't be any other way. No matter what guilt wants to say, Heart can't be made another way. If love isn't there, fixing Heart is as hopeless as planting a single tree in the midst of a forest being mercilessly chain-sawed down all around it. A tree cannot grow in a place like this, knowing that any growing it does only brings it closer to

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The Angels were feeling very superior to the Mother now and were looking down on Her as though She had come forth wrongly like some sort of commoner who had snuck in from the streets with a story for the King in the castle as to why he should marry her. In the Angels' view, the Mother was already showing Herself for what She really was and moving to Her right place accordingly. It appeared that the Mother was unable to keep pace with the King and the rest of His class, and the Angels felt they were right in reducing the Mother to servant because She really was a member of the serving class. As I look back now, I see that I stood by with as much lack of presence as the fathers in Snow White and Cinderella . Just as surely as I projected My desire to have the Will serve the Spirit, [nowadays Spirit asks us "to let Consciousness serve Sentience"] when the Angels were manifesting that part of Me. The more the Mother felt Herself being pushed into a subservient role, the more it looked to Her like the real Mother was being replaced by wicked stepmothers.

I was no help for the Mother here. I had many rationalizations for this, but the one I want to mention now I am going to mention because it has repercussions in every family. I rationalized My lack of helpfulness and support for the Mother's problems here by saying that if She really was My equal and the Mother of everything, as I had named Her, then, as the Mother of the Angels, She needed to gain their respect in Her own right and not because I told the Angels they had to respect Her. Otherwise, I thought, She was no Mother at all. [On August 2, 2000, I noted here in Hebrew: "the story with my grandchildren"]

Sounds good doesn't it? Except for many major denials, this could have been right, but I will mention only one of these denials now. I did not see how My own lack of respect for the Mother made it impossible for Her to gain the respect of the children. I did not even see that I was disrespecting Her.

I must admit, I had more respect for the Angels by now than I had for the Mother. The more I felt I could not trust the Mother, the more I aligned with them. I had more respect for the Angels than I had had in the beginning, and lovers or not, they were My Light and My closest allies.

Several of the Angels wanted to see if they could learn to open space. Of all the Angels who wanted to replace the Mother, these Angels were among the most conspicuous. They had many times told Me their light was much better than the Mother's. Many times, they tried to make Me feel the Mother was not My right lover so much as guilt had caused Me to open that space to Her because She was there.[sic] They told Me they were convinced She was not supposed to have emerged where She did, any more than the Angels' Wills

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were supposed to have emerged where the Mother claimed they should have.

These Angels told Me they believed they held enough Will within themselves to be able to open space. They were so confident in every way the Mother was lacking confidence that I believed them at first.

Of course, they were manifesting My own beliefs that feelings should be held within and worked through there rather than coming forth to bring their turmoil to others.

These Angels came to Me many times and made love with Me in an effort to open space. They believed that if they could open space, it would make them the Mother in the Mother's place. I gave these Angels a great amount of My Light and great opportunity to open space [?] for that Light by allowing them much more time to learn than I ever allowed the Mother. I was more gracious with them than with the Mother, I allowed them more latitude with their feelings than I allowed the Mother, and yet, none of them could open space.

One of these Angels in particular had insisted with Me from the beginning that she should have been the Mother. She always presented herself as though she wanted Me to feel that her understandings were greater than the Mother's because the Mother's viewpoint was always too biased in Her own direction while she had a more balanced view.

She presented herself as having the martyred role of having to clean up after the Mother and correct Her mistakes without being given the recognition and credit She really deserved. She said the Mother was so unsure of Herself because She knew She wasn't really the Mother. This Angel said she would have emerged quickly in response to My call but the One who had emerged in the place of the Mother wouldn't let her emerge. She said her emergence at that time had been made impossible because the One I had been calling Mother had fought her down, and that while she had not really been defeated, she had backed down because she was not

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death by chainsaw at the hands of a heartlessness that operates without knowing or caring how it feels. Why not die now of heart-brokenness?

Father, help me, this is denied Heart's plea! I can't live much longer. I already have AIDS and if I die, no Heart can be found in the space that is left because Heart never formed right and no plan can be made for forming a Heart that was lost before it was ever found. All will be lost, swallowed up in the gap where Heart should have been, and the space will close and not be able to open again.

I'm being murdered anyway, everyday, by heartlessness that wants it that way; heartlessness that wants Heart to go away. Heartlessness seeded death in me and heartlessness is working tirelessly and furiously to make Earth devoid of every tree that makes life possible for you and me. Heart is necessary for life in you and me, and in nature, Heart is expressed as the tree, and all greenery, that springs forth in response to the Father and the Mother bonded together in love that was supposed to be me. From what's happening on Earth, it is plain to see that heartlessness is threatening to take over and push the love that is needed to sustain you and me farther and farther out of Earth's reality. Already, lovelessness is nearly all that we see. Lovelessness is so prevalent that it has very nearly been accepted as human nature and as the real life reality we can all expect to see..


FATHER HAS TO HELP YOU NOW

Even though you don't like to, I want you to listen to Me. I am your Father and I want you to hear what I have to say. This heartlessness is the gap and it's nothing new. Where the Mother and I never bonded originally, Heart never grew. Because of that, the gap in My Heart is much larger than anyone, except the Godhaters, has wanted to see, and this gap in My Heart is you. You were born in the gap and this has been all you ever knew of Me. You feel almost nothing because of what being in the gap has done to you.

This gap is a very large gap. It is a very serious problem to heal, and your location in My Light, relative to the gap, has determined your karma more than you have seen. Your location has determined your experiences with the gap and how much you've had My help or not. In fact, there is not one of you who is unaffected by the gap,

Even if you are only warped by your reaction, which sought to explain why it didn't happen to you, or by your selective, self-protective ignorance. This is why even those of you who have been able to move emotion fairly easily so far, may find you have lost Will in the gap where you will have a hard time finding your expression or feeling real with it.

If what I have said has made you feel shocked, move back until you have moved something here because moving along as though you're not shocked has put you in a perilous position. You were shocked from the beginning of Original Cause, and in cases like yours, it takes another shock to get you moving again.

It has been hard for Me to realize that it is loving to give you the shocks that you need, but now that I know that it is, I'm going to give them to you. But listen to Me; after the first time they are applied, these shocks will start to lose their effectiveness, so get the most movement you can the first time. Sit back and give your reaction some time to surface in you. Allow as much sound as you can, even if it's only your breath or a tiny sound at first, to bridge another gap in you which is between the feelings you have and the expressing of them that you do.

This has to be a shock to hear Me say directly to you, who haven't been able to move your emotions yet, that you were born in the gap, even if you suspected or already knew. If you go past a shock such as this without moving what you can, it may not be possible to move you toward life. You have to move what you can and not wait for big triggers. If you have to have bigger and bigger shocks to feel anything, the danger is that this might destroy you as it very nearly already has.

How can you know if you're shocked? If you think you feel shocked, you have a chance to move, even if breath noise is all you can do at first. If there's nothing or almost nothing you feel, you're in a state of shock that hasn't been broken through yet. Try to find any feeling you can to help Me break through. The gap is a battleground where no love has yet been found, and the heartlessness there has been backing you down and down, pushing you, shoving you, pounding you down and down until your life ends in the ground. The gap is the place from which the heartlessness of death has its grip on you. That's why I know there is not a one [sic] who is unaffected among you. In this gap where Heart needs to be, is supposed to be, heartlessness is the cause of all human misery. This is not love's way . It is no great hidden mystery whose inner meaning you must struggle to see. It is heartlessness causing your

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a violent spirit.

This Angel said she had not liked having it happen this way more for My sake even than hers, but she also felt that this experience must have been necessary for Me for some reason, and that she had confidence that it was what everyone involved needed to experience to be able to recognize the real Mother. Her implication was that this was her.

She enticed Me into lovemaking with her a number of times by pressing forward all of the sensuality she had and representing herself as the most orgasmic essence thee was. Meanwhile, I could feel her pressuring herself. As much as I held Myself back in the presence of the Angels, I held Myself back in her presence also.

This gave all the Angels, and especially her, the impression they could handle all of My Light, no problem. They were handling it alright, but not in the ways that were allowing the expansion necessary. The compression of My Light was lashing out against this in a state of denial while consciously, I was holding back as the loving thing to do. I was becoming more dense and sinking to the level of the Angels, which was making it more and more just words on My part that I had more light and more power than they did, or than I was showing.

My efforts with this Angel produced no more opening of space or emergences of spirits than any of the other Angels, but this Angel always claimed it was My fault and accused Me of withholding something from her. I told her I was giving her all I could and that more wasn't possible.

When she kept insisting I had to give her more, I gave her a little more Light and the pressure of it was experienced by her as violence during Our sexual experience. She had a violent orgasm and claimed she liked it. She also claimed there was no problem with the additional light I had given her and that it was just what she needed. The truth of the matter was I gapped a little.

A little while later, while she was still in My arms and feeling the release of orgasm still present within her, a few heads peeked out of her. They looked like such terrible beings to her that she immediately hid them from Me, hoping I hadn't noticed them. They were some of the heads of the Father Warriors looking to see if they could emerge here, but she had been unable to open the space they needed so they could not press forward any further.

The heads of the Father Warriors took in the impression from her that it was not right for them to emerge in My presence. Ever since then, Father Warriors have tried to keep fathers from being involved in the birth scenes. The belief here is that the mother might

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emerge something horrible that the father cannot accept until it is at least cleaned up and made presentable, and maybe not even then, but that was not what this Angel claimed. She claimed she didn't want Me to see what was happening there because her feminine functions were messy and she did not want Me to look at them.

Thie Angel had intent not to allow Me to see what she had intent to emerge until she made sure it knew how to present itself to Me in a way I would find acceptable. She let Me know she had almost emerged spirits but she was not sure I was going to find them acceptable. She said she wanted to make sure first so that she did not repeat any episode of the Mother's where She had displeased Me. She wanted Me to feel like she had nothing but My approval in mind, but she let me know what she was trying to do here by also making it known that she saw it as My fault she had not been able to open enough space for these spirits to emerge. She made it clear that she thought I should have given her more light the way I was giving it to her when she orgasmed.

"My orgasm wasn't complelte" she told Me, "because You did not give Me all of Yourself."

For a long time after that she pestered Me to reenact this session and give her another chance to emerge these spirits, and yet, when they finally did emerge and she saw My reaction to them, she put a disclaimer on her role here by saying it was My fault these spirits were the way they were because I didn't allow them their right emergence place.

This Angel has always thought My Light loved her more than the Mother, but she has gapped herself from what was really taking place here and has allowed herself to remember only that she was very close to God and made love with Him that gave her an orgasm she has never been able to repeat. She has to look at all of it now or she is going to move past the place where she is stuck. She has allowed herself to remember that I looked upon her as the best possible Mother replacement, but this was in her own eyes and not in Mine.

This Angel has often claimed to Me that she has changed, but no matter what changes she has claimed to have made, I have seen only form changes. She has claimed that a more fighting stance would make her less afraid of emerging her full power, thus enabling her to open space and emerge spirits. Her fighting posture has never made Me feel that she was any less afraid than she was initially, only more in denial of it. She has also claimed many times over that she has been denied her full power by being denied her right place. She has also said that her full power would emerge

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misery.

The Earth has been hated for this for so very long, it's never been told there's any different song, but there is a long lost song of the Heart that needs to be sung, a lost Heart Song that's never been sung. Even though in all this time you haven' begun, it's still not too late for this song to be sung.

It's a song so plaintive, it will be hard to recognize as song the way song has been defined on earth for so long. Judged to be the worst sounds you could ever make, you were told not to make them, told to shove them back down before it was ever known how they would sound. It's not going to be easy to sing, especially at first, but even though it is a very painful one, this unsung Heart Song must be found worth being sung. This wailing , wrenching, keening, long lost Heart Song must be allowed to be sung.

It is not love's way to hold this down anymore in order to make you hold what you can't hold anymore. Now that I know what was done there, now that I know what has been held back for so long is really there, I want to help you find relief from the frozen terror, and the rage and the grief in the long choked-back sounds that died in your throats from the pain of never-formed Heart's aborted birth.

This gap is where you would have been if you had emerged in your right place and this gap is what you would have filled in if your Wills had been vibrating instead of dead. The pain of Heart dying before It was formed enough to be able to live, killed your Wills. This whole area where My Will would have become Heart, is dead, and all around the edges of this, it is barely alive. This pain must move, This lost Heart Song must be sung to bring Heart's vibration back from the dead. It is going to be the wailing, terrified, deep, wretched crying of hearbreak that will let us know Heart is coming to life in the gap by coming back through and out of the pain where it died.

Like a Mother who longs to comfort the cries of her newborn babe by cuddling the child in her loving arms, so I too, long to comfort this pain of long lost Heart in you. Before you were formed enough to be born, you experienced this pain of Heart dying without the Light of My Love around to help you, and you never found any one else who could help you either.

You're tried to say it didn't matter and go on your own, but you couldn't live that way either. You have never been loved the way you wanted to be and you have never found the help that you needed to give you any lasting relief from the shoved down pain

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of the rage, the terror and the grief. You have never found love, but you've never known it. You have never known love, but you've never shown it. Your unspoken fear of the gap has not let you move into what has been so long held back in there.

You've always thought love was something you had to earn, something you had to please to deserve it and you were never worthy enough, to have much, if any, of it. With no Heart in the gap, there's been no way to move that makes any difference. Any move you have tried to make has been met with violent rejection and hatred. With no place to receive you, you have tried not to move. But you've been suffocating from lack of vibration. You can't hold your pain anymore; the pain of beng born outside of love, the pain of being left for dead in the gap.

You've never felt loved the way you wanted to be because We did not love our reflection when We looked in the mirror that was you. We could not see how to love offspring like that. How could We love offspring who reflected so much of what We hated in Ourselves and Each Other?

No matter how much We tried to love you, you never said it gave you the right feeling inside. No matter how much We tried, all you ever did was blame Us for whatever you said wasn't right; your size, your shape, the way that you looked, your lack of talents, your lack of power, your lack of the kind of Light that you wanted, your lack of the right position, or whatever it was that you didn't like or love about yourselves.

Whatever it was, it was always the gap, but We didn't know it then anymore than parents do now. We just knew there was something terribly wrong and We didn't know what to do. At times, We thought it was terribly wrong with you, and at other times, we thought it was Us. When We were blaming Ourselves, We thought it was genes We had unfortunately given to you or some unfortunate mistake We had made in raising you. At other times, when we were blaming you, We had no explanation for what made you the way you were. It just seemed like a reaction against Us, something you intended to do.

We didn't know what to do. we tried and tried to make this up to you, but whatever help we were able to give never healed you for long. Whatever gain We thought you had made, you soon lost . You acted like you didn't know how to keep it. You acted like you had simply forgotten whatever it was we had done for you, and anyway, whatever it was, it wasn't enough for you.

The bigger the gap you had, the more you squeezed Us and the

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when the right situation called it forth. As time has gone on, more and more people have been looking inadequate in her presence because none of them has ever presented her with the right situation for her full power to emerge, or for her to stop claiming that her problems are their fault.

I felt guilt for a long time regarding all of the Mother contenders and My involvement with them, especially since I was so indirect with them most of the time and allowed them to make assumptions I did not correct, but now that I have seen the Angels in a new light, I have realized that I was not wrong in holding back with them. [???] I was also not wrong in holding back from giving this Angel another opportunity to attempt the emergence of spirits. The Father Warriors, as it is, have been the most powerful order of spirits. They have been empowered by My Light in a state of denial and if My Light had been present for their emergence as though My Light had approval for the gapped rage that emerged there, they would have been even more powerful. [???]

When I saw how influenced this Angel became by the gapped rage she took in from her experience with Me, I had guilt about the Angels. I wondered how often I might have been hurting them in these ways without knowing it. But when I saw she had Lucifer in mind and not My Light, I saw it in the rest of the Angels too. She had widening the gap with the Will in mind, not closing it, and so did the rest of the Angels.

The Father Warriors needed the gap in which to emerge and when this Angel saw that I was not going to open the gap for her or let her open the space that could cause Me to gap, she let Me know that she saw Me as very unloving here because I would not allow this to happen. She presented herself as more loving than she was because she had intent to give acceptance to these spirits while I would not. When she has felt I did not love her for taking this position, she has also turned around and said that she hates the Father Warriors, and when they have reflected her to herself, she has hated them.[???]

I have realized now that all of the Angels had the same thing in mind that she had and that she regarded herself as the best possibility to replace the Mother because she came the closest to succeeding here. I have also realized that holding back here was not wrong because it was what I felt like doing. As it turned out, what I felt like doing was not wrong. [???]

It was necessary for Me to increase My Light, but making love with the Angels meant there was no place to receive it in the same sense that there is no place to receive it when a man makes love

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with a man. Either nothing at all comes of it or disease come from it.[???] This is because expanding light in the presence of expanding Light without enough balance of magnetic energy to receive, hold and guide it, is as dangerous as radioactivity; which is, in fact, part of the reflection of this in the material plane. The magnetic energy has always had trouble with reproduction and disease because of denial, but these are problems from lack of Light. We had the opposite, a lack of Will.

Radio waves are already bad enough, but when the activity of split atoms and the instability caused by this is added, you can begin to see how opening to this kind of light has meant for the Will that it gets damaged. My Light, moving outwardly, in unguided explosion, does not create; it destroys, and it destroys by taking apart the very structure upon which Creation is made manifest, the magnetic part that holds it together.

Immense movement is necessary to allow the Mother to live because so much has happened to Her already that it is almost impossible for Her to live. If guilt is your reason for opening to Her now, that will not help Her to live because it is not possible for the Mother to live if She receives guilt instead of My Light. If you are Will, you need to move your feelings toward Spirit Polarity for what has been done already, and toward the Mother for seeming to allow it. If you are Spirit Polarity, or wish you were, you really need to move what you have for so long held back regarding the Will.

It has to go all in the Mother's favor now because it never has been in the past, and yet, this does not represent an imbalance in My Light. I need to allow the Mother to present everything She has been, for so long, unable to present. without it, I cannot learn what I need to learn and neither can you. The more you are sick of hearing about the Will this and the Will that, the more you can either move the rage of your resistance to the Will and possibly have a chance to heal yourself, or you can stay turned off to the message of the Will and go off Earth in the Earth changes. If you are already having trouble with what the Will is presenting, you don't know the half of it yet.

I had feelings of love for the Mother no matter how it has seemed as I have brought forward all the denials that have had to come forward in these books. I also want you to know that there were many aspects to My life with the Mother which were secret at the time they were happening because We thought it had to be that way. I realize that left you wide open to fantasizing about Us, and to acting out what you thought was happening between Us, but that

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less you understood of how little it appeased Us to give you so much only to hear your continual claim that we did nothing for you because your life stayed the same; unhappy and miserable all of the time and why didn't We fix it for you because, after all, what are parents for?

All the things that We hid from Ourselves and each other were the things that you did. When we looked into you, what We would find were all of the things We did not want to have in mind to think, say or do. When you reflected these things, We had trouble relating to you. In fact, We were scared of you, but also, trying very hard to find love for you. Whenever we responded to something We could find to like in you, it only increased your belief that pleasing Us was what it took to earn love for you.

We tried Our hardest to move the things We didn't like in you out of you by training, teaching and guiding you, but this hasn't worked at all for you. It has just made your presentation more polished, established and divorced from the reality inside of you. No matter what We have ever tried to do, it has just given your presentation a more highly polished veneer, in spite of which you have just looked more self-conscious and posturing while remaining the same inside of you.

Finally, I was so desperate, I thought there was nothing more I could do with you. But now that I know what is really going on with you and the pain of the problems so long held inside of you, I am sorry I thought that all I could do was to turn you loose to see how you would do; to see what would become of you. For, no matter what I thought of you, I also feared what would happen to you, and this is why I couldn't move you back smoothly.

Moving you back smoothly was nothing My Love could do or even felt it knew how to do. Then , when My desperation grew, it would be the gap that would finally smack you. Both putting you out and keeping you near has been something very hard for love to do. That's why these feelings must move in Us and also in you.

All of this time, I have studied the reflection you gave to Me until I have finally understood what I needed to see, but it wasn't easy. It involved going outside of Me to gain the perspective I needed to see how to close the gap that has been killing Me. Feeling all of this I thought was going to kill Me, and not feeling it was also killing Me. This was really a terrible dilemma for Me; so painful that I couldn't see how feeling it could be healing for Me.

Now I know that the movement you need lies between the Mother and Me. When you put yourselves literally there, it was not

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a reflection I wanted to see. I didn't want you to come between the Mother and Me. I was, therefore, dense about being able to see that putting yourselves there was a reflection of something I needed to see. For a long time, all I could see was that you were driving a wedge between the Mother and Me that I did not want to see was already there; a wedge of unwanted, hating rage and terror where We were trying to claim there was Heart because we wanted Heart to be there and we were too afraid of what it felt like when we let Ourselves notice that Heart wasn't really there.

Now that I have finally allowed Myself to feel this, I realize that this hatred has to be transformed into love between the Mother and Me. To do this, Heart has to be born in the gap and be able to live this time. For this to happen, denied Heart has to move along with Me. So, please, listen to Me when I say that I hope you will move your rage at Me instead of holding it back because of the terror of what you thought moving it might mean, or out of a feeling that holding it back is a way to take revenge against Me.

I hope you can see that taking revenge would hurt you as much as Me. Even so, I see that if you will let it, your rage can move, but your terror needs to move in response to rage from Me. This terror has to move enough to know that moving in the presence of My Light of Love is not the same thing as any of the terror in a state of denial that you have experienced before. Your terror has to move enough to understand that its healing depends upon hatred being replaced by love in the gap. Then terror can be freed from the places it's been trapped in before.

To do this, you are going to have to feel your hatred more, but your hatred of Me has always felt like so much more than you wanted to feel, you have never wanted to feel it. You have tried to avoid it by claiming it was only I who hated you. You have always said that your hatred for Me was only a response to My hatred for you, but you have never wanted to let Me find any way to touch what needed to move in you in order for My feelings to change toward you, and thus, for your feelings to change toward Me. Your hatred for Me took form as never wanting to let Me feel better toward you because then you'd be hating Me without reason to. No matter what change either side has ever made, hatred has always said it wasn't enough, was too late or hadn't taken place in just the right way.

I never wanted to let you know how frightened I was of how it felt to be around you, or how frightened I was of you taking a way other than My own. As much as I wanted you to move away from

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was not what We had in mind. What we had in mind was that you would get to know your own Wills and come to Us with your questions when you had really had enough experience to have intelligent questions.

My Light cannot be known without a Will to feel It for what it is. Without Will to feel it, one bright light is as good as another, and this is how it was in the early days with the Angels. We said We were all One and that it didn't matter how We arranged Ourselves, or what form this arrangement took; it was all love and it was all wonderful. In the beginning , this image of Ours seemed to work like the ideal household because We allowed Ourselves to be deliberately unaware of the undercurrents, and when they did gain recognition, We purified Ourselves of them.

Some Angels took the role of children and let Me have the fun of being like their Father, while others made lovers of themselves and gave Me the love I needed that way. The lovers were not all male; many of the Angels had feminized themselves in an effort to please Me by emulating the images I had projected of the ideal Mother.

Many times, I had feelings of homeyness with the Angels, and during these times, the roles were always switching between the Angels who were My lovers at any given time, and the Angels who were parenting at these times. The flow seemed perfect to Me then. Angels were always available for lovemaking while those who needed parenting were never without it. The Angels also had one another as lovers and friends. Those who wanted the roles of children always had a number of loving parents around them, and never felt a lack of parenting when other parental parts of the Light were lovemaking.

There was no jealousy over this. We felt it was a beautiful flow of ways to love, unlike the Manifested Spirits who were always fighting and acting jealous no matter what roles they were playing. We never fought. Unlike the Manifested Spirits who did not act like they liked changing roles because they always got attached to their roles, We didn't feel We got attached. We saw Ourselves as openly flowing into whatever role the situation called for at any given moment.

We say Ourselves as paritcipants in a great drama and enjoyed changing roles often. In this way, We often justified the lives that Creation's victims were having by saying it would be the other way around next time. This was a real perversion of the, so-called, "Law of Karma" because it never really was the other way around. Even when We took on roles where it looked like We were going to be

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victims, it wasn't the same for Us. We felt spiritually superior then. We realized it was the way We were vibrating that made the difference and We took pride in that; spiritual pride.

Once the perpetrator, always the perpetrator would be more like a description of what was really happening, but it is not necessary to view this as some sort of new law. If you allow the movement necessary, this is all going to be broken down into the changes that are necessary. The understanding I'd really like to give you here is that victim and perpetrator are always the same person, but fragmented in such a way that it hasn't been recognizable. The pain has been caused by the polarizing of consciousness into part of the self and away from the rest of the self. Until this is really received in the Will, it will be nothing more than words, and the pain will go on.

Even though My Light had not been called upon to take any role other than God, I also was experiencing My Light in the form of Angels saying they were Me in their own right and I wasn't experiencing insecurity or jealousy.I felt I wasn't the insecure, jealous God I had been earlier. I was convinced it was the Mother who had stirred most of these feelings in Me, and that without Her, I was much better off. I certainly had numerous lovers and wasn't experiencing jealousy or competition among them, and I was allowing Angels to have other lovers in My presence without feeling insecure or jealous. I though I had evolved past the interpersonal problems I had had with the Mother.

We all said it was just the Will that had these feelings of jealousy and possessiveness, and the more the Mother felt this from Us, the more she tried to behave in the ways She thought were expected of Her. Her efforts to please Me were always so full of Her fear of losing My love that Her efforts did not please Me. The Mother always wanted Me to attach Myself to Her while Angels didn't make Me feel like attachment mattered to them.

Long periods of what felt like glorious times went by in this manner during which the Angels and I spent many long hours doing creative visualizations and presentations of Our visions to One another. We were aware of the widening gap between Our visualizations and what was actually happening in the Manifested Worlds, but We were already more than full of explanations as to why that was happening.

We blamed having sex in the Body most often when We looked out upon the Manifested Spirits because it grew so dark around them whenever they made love. We were so proud of the Light we were generating. Sometimes the excitement and intensity of it made

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Me, I also did not, because of what I thought might happen then. I tried to teach you how to go on your own. I warned you of the dangers as much as I could, but I never felt enough trust between Us for Me to say what I thought these problems between Us might really mean. When I tried, you said I was threatening you, or that I worried too much and had no faith in you. You said that what I feared wouldn't happen to you and that if it did, it would be because i worried it into happening to you. But really, you were as confused as I was about what to do.

Experiencing the gap gave you the deep impression that you were not pleasing to Me just as you were. Fear took the path of trying to look pretty and pleasing to learn love from Me. But rage took the path of being obnoxious as some sort of defiant and secretly declared test to see how unconditionally loving I could be; because, after all, isn't that how unconditional love is supposed to be, never loving any of you any more than the rest?

Lost Will has presented a mirage behind which it could hardly be seen. When exhaustion has had to let this mirage slip away, it's been called aging. No one has ever known another way.

I did not like the Lost Will mirages you presented to Me, and guiltily, I took great pains not to allow Myself to show it, or even to appear to see it. I denied and tried not to say what was important to Me because I could not stand to see the reaction this kept causing toward Me.

I want to say now that there are some things which are more and some things which are less pleasing to Me, but not in the narrow sense you have always feared about Me. Pleasing to look upon is important to Me, but pleasing to look upon means it is real, as in alignment of essence and form. The judge of that is in how it feels, which is why the Mother has gone down for so long in the fear which gave guilt its place to say that She was unloving, judgmental and wrong ever to think, let alone say, how She felt about you. You're Mother haters, each and every one of you, but you claim it's only because your Mother hates you. Her desire for pleasing to look upon, which She called pretty, you have judged to be nothing but vapid, stupid and silly vanity.

It is not silly vanity. When form and essence don't agree, you have nothing but instability, no matter how firmly riveted in this unfeeling approach seems to be. [sic] If you keep resisting your terror and converting it to rage that wants to drive your point of view home hard with me, then the rage needed to move your terror will have to have a greater fury coming from Me through the

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Mother who is trying to heal this gap with me.

Alignment of form and essence within love is what is pretty to Me, just like movement in the gap toward making the choked-back sounds of Heart's stillborn birth, although not song to most, would be music to Me because of the healing relief from the pain it would bring by finally moving in a way that will let My Light of Love come in.

I can feel you hating Me for what you think is My position here. I want movement in this, is that clear? I am telling you this to let you know that reactionary ugly [sic] is not pleasing to Me and that you have gone as far in this direction as I can stand to see you go.

Your reasons are no longer a mystery to Me, but you need to discover within yourselves why you are in such reaction against Me that it is always the same story wherever you go. You tear down My Creation while claiming you are improving on Me, straightening it up and making it more the way you want it to be.You make it so orderly and devoid of all that is wild and free that it's boring to Me. You never admit it's boring to you though, and yet, pretty soon you leave it for the next place where you do the same thing. You kill the land, the air and the sea. You imprison token examples of beautiful wildlife and kill the rest, leaving a heritage of sharks, stingrays, eels, rats, roaches, flies, ants, leeches, parasites and other pests. It's a statement against the Mother you're making, but it is also a statement against Me. So far, you have refused to look at the statement it makes about you.

You pound down, beat, rivet, bulldoze and scrape, strip naked, force into submission, blast, drill and rape, tap for power, pollute, poison, abuse, choke, suffocate, drain, exploit, exhaust, buy, sell, use, discard, bury and exhume the Mother's body with total lack of love, respect or even regard for Her feelings about whether She wants it this way. That She might not want it all is not something you would even let Her say.

It's your sexual get-off and it has to involve rage or it's not a turn on for you, but you won't admit it. You're very controlling, and you present as very controlled but you're very out of control, using the Mother while screaming, "No abortion! No birth control!"

No wonder the feminine hates you and doesn't want you to make love to her. Orgasm is something unheard of as given by you to her. The most your women get is a little rush when you pressure the terror they're holding there, but you like it because it's power to you, and power, not orgasm, is what satisfies you.

For you young women are just something to stick it to [sic] to prove

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Us feel like We were going to explode, and often times, We did have little explosions going off around the Godhead like fireworks adding to the overall brilliance of the already sparkling light.

We felt we were full to brimming over, and when we wondered why the Manifested Spirits weren't more readily taking in this wonderful Light of Ours, and allowing it to vivify them, We also had many explanations. We viewed Ourselves as so electric and quick that the most popular idea among Us was that We were too much for the Manifested Spirits. Of course, this contained all the feelings of superiority We already had within Us. It did not even appear on the list of ideas that the gap between Spirit and Will was not allowing Will to draw in or anchor the Light, nor did it cross Our minds, because of the denials involved, that there could be any valid reason why the Manifested spirits would not want to draw in Our Light. We viewed them as obtuse, oppositional and laboring in unconsciousness that could not open and receive Our Light. We viewed the Manifested Spirits just as I had viewed the Mother and the Father of Manifestation at the time of the Manifested Spirits emergence, but because I had denied so much of what I really saw and felt then, I did not recognize this for a long time.


DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME

Meanwhile, the Mother and the Father of Manifestation felt the blame, and the shame that accepted it, and denied expression to their response to being blamed because They were so afraid of what it all meant. They were afraid it meant that They were not right, not right to be lovers, not right to have emerged these spirits, and not right to have thought They were the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. They were both very attached to these roles, but They were being told by the Godhead that this attachment was wrong.

More and more, They received the judgment from the Godhead that They had made a mess of Creation by manifesting it wrong. More and more, They were trying to focus on cleaning up the mess They had made without making more of a mess. They had rage about receiving all of the blame, but They seldom felt it because Their fear was so great.

When Their efforts were more and more of a failure, both to fix what had already been done, and to avoid making more problems, the Mother and the Father of Manifestation felt more and more like

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They should let others take Their roles. We had given Them the impression from the Godhead that They should be willing to do this, and the more unworthy and inadequate They felt, the more power They abdicated to others until there was nothing left in Them but a dim memory of having once been close to God, or what They had thought was God.

All the many lives They have lived trapped in manifestation, They have labored to help others, feeling responsible for them without realizing why, loving them and trying to ease their pain as best They could, and receiving nothing in return but denial and death for having ideas that were not mainstream. We had discredited Them in front of everyone in such a way as to give license to gapped rage to discredit Them and to get rid of Them if They persisted.

Meanwhile, all of the Angels, and other fragmentations who took over Their roles, have claimed to be doing a much better job and have received all of the credit for everything that has gone right, while continuing to blame the Mother and the Father of Manifestation for everything that has gone wrong. This is reflected through the Warriors by the way it is never the fault of religion, government, or their other institutions, their laws or their methods. It is always the fault of those who fail to align with their dictates or fail to carry them out properly.

Will spirits always take the blame here along with whatever parts of Heart and Body have demonstrated any alignment with Them. The gap does the judging and punishing here. This behavior monitor has, of course, been guilt, but the punishment meted out has been severe because of the lack of love involved. Just as much as you lack compassion for all the mistakes you think have been made, the punishment will reflect this to you, complicated always by the presence of guilt holding back the healing that is needed.

The most severe form of this guilt is self-hatred. Self-hatred has often taken the form of fragmenting out what is hated and punishing it "out there." Many times, the perpetrator is also fragmented out and does the punishing "out there."

It is important to understand that self-hatred has been the most severe in the Will-Body Polarity. If someone else gets charged with crossing the line gapped rage wants to enforce, they are usually found innocent of the charges or are given such a light punishment that it is merely tokenism. This has been especially true when gapped rage fragments deal with one another. While Blacks have been hanged for looking at a white woman, for example, gapped rage fragments have gone totally free after killing thousands. The

 

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you're a man and you use them this way until they look too used and abused. Then you think you'lll just get another young one you can ruin the same way because she thinks this is the way life is in the gap with you. She doesn't even let herself know she wants to say that she hates your insensitive, unsensual, fucking ways. You get away with it because you overpower her and fool Her into thinking the way you want her to. This way you look powerful to her and you don't let the old one know what you are sneaking away to do because you've gotten used to the way she cooks for you. And all the children you ever have are sharks, stingrays, eels, rats, roaches, flies ants, leeches, parasites and other pests just like you. You cultivate this because it serves you best. You do your best to imprison and kill all the rest.

The heritage you leave is what you live. It's the gap. Heart is nowhere around. Heart cannot be found. There is only a great wasteland in which love cannot be found. That the Earth is a holy, living being, with feelings you don't have, is something you sneer at and never try to see.

It is a statement against the Mother you're making, but it is also a statement against Me. Your rhetoric is the opposite.It's reverent toward both the Mother and Me. You think this means no one will look past it and really see. You hate even the idea of looking at this, and you think you hate having to feel it even more.

If you want to know where your lost Will can be found, look across town. When you move out, your lost Will moves in: It's a mirror you have broken and long since thrown down, and its lack of the Light of Love disintegrates what you have done into an even worse, more unpleasant, treeless, rundown slum of chainlink fence, broken glass and stained, pavement-imprisoned, besmirched Earth; a spit on, pissed on, vomited on, shit on, scribbled vulgarities on, garbage littered pit.

Out there, on its own side of the gap, your lost Will swaggers around in its own part of town like it is a king of this slum; never admitting it wants any more, never admitting it has no other place it can go and have any different experience; never admitting it's more damaged than you. Instead, it acts tough and mean as a front against getting hurt anymore.

[June 23, 2012: I came to the conclusion, that Shalom, my neighbor across the low wall , heightened now by the bamboo-structures and the climbing passifloras, must be a fragment of my own Lost Will... The question is, how can I - on the exterior level - take my Lost Will back in?]

The lost Will of denied heart hates denied heart on the Spirit side. They think you personify Me and they hate what you've done. No wonder they run it down into an even worse slum. Hatred is there in the way that they live, but hatred is also there in the way that you live. None of you admit to this hatred unless you

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can claim it's justifiably provoked by another, preferably one from the other side of the gap, the town, the world.

This hatred is a rage that you act out without admitting it's rage or what it's about. It's a statement of hating, blaming rage toward Me, but you also revile the Mother, because when you act out your rage you can't get at Me, so it's the Mother you defile.

Enough tearing down My Creation as an attack against Me. Enough putting on ugly as a way to say you don't want to be pleasing to Me in the way you think I want you to be. Get real with your feelings instead of criticizing and acting out so defensively and destructively.

I know that many of you I am speaking to now are not reading this yet, I know that many of you cannot even read well enough to read this, but I want to talk to you anyway because I know this is going to reach you even if you have to be told.

I see you there, swaggering around like you don't care about Me. You've convinced yourselves that My Light isn't there. You're sure I'm too chicken even to come into the churches in your part of town. You've all got guns to blow the likes of Me away, just to prove that you hate Me and don't need or want Me around.

Even though you don't like to hear Me talk this way, this all goes back to the gap, created on a long ago (sic), and you've tried hard to make it, forgotten day, when you experienced Me angrily pushing you away and did not make you feel like I loved you by calling you back to Me later on that, or any other, day.

I left you alone in the streets where you had to fight for your right to live while feeling like I had cut you out of my Light of Love. You got hatred instead. Love didn't seem to mind leaving you stranded in your terrible plight. What else could you do to protect yourselves but act tough and mean and learn to fight? All you have ever known of life is being caught in the middle of fight after fight.

You never felt you could allow yourself to feel anything other than hard about this. You labeled all feelings other than anger "soft", like the Mother, an obvious victim, and resolved to be hard like concrete and lead, and survive. In order not to feel the pain of having been pushed out, you pushed your pain about this even further out than you were and claimed you didn't care if you didn't have any real place there where I was.

You claimed you didn't want to live in My house anyway. You claimed all you needed was to get away; you claimed you provoked the fight and that I didn't really push you out, you only said I did to make it look alright for one so young to take to the

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people in the Will-Body Polarity who receive the heaviest punishment are all pieces of the Mother and the Father of Manifestation who accepted the guilt and blame. Most of the fragmentation here took place when They could not stand feeling guilt and blame in the presence of My Light anymore.

There are also many fragments who left the Main Body of essence because they did not like the views of the Main Body and decided they weren't going to be able to prevail the way they wanted to. These fragments are not sure if they want to align with Us now or not because they still have old feelings of wanting to prevail, and they do not know what they have missed out on in Us since they left. These fragments have often been perpetrators against Us in the ways that self-hatred can also be fragmented out and turned against the main body of essence. Most of the essence that was lost into fragmentation here was lost because rage was being so heavily denied. This essence can align if it moves the rage it has toward the main body of essence first.

There have been many points of contention, but one main point of contention has been whether emotions should be allowed to express in their raw state or not. When it looked like essence that wanted to do this was going no place but down, many felt this form of emotional expression was wrong and polarized more toward the part of My Light they perceived as agreeing with this viewpoint. Fragmentation was the result.

These fragments look very Spirit polarized, because the more the Mother and the Father of Manifestation believed the judgments against Them and took these judgments in, the more They felt like They had to let go of the Light that did not seem to like the experience it was having with Them. This Light abandoned the Mother of Everything and the Father of Manifestation and left Them with guilt in the place of that Light by telling Them it was wrong to have the views They had. This has been a rip off of the Mother and Father of Manifestation which They allowed because They did not have the understandings We have now.

This Light did not accept the Will it was attached to and needs to understand the responsibility it has for the Will denial it entered into here. It has always blamed the Mother and the Father of Manifestation here and any other essence that went along with Them. This essence views itself as blameless, and yet, it played a role in what happened up to the point where it fragmented out. Even after that, its role remained substantially unchanged in terms of how it related to the parental part of the essence. This role has to be understood now because this essence has been no more able

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to prevail with My Light since the splits that were made here than it was before.

In addition, all of these fragments need to know that as much as they stood apart and said they were not party to that which was being blamed in the Mother and the Father of Manifestation, they have created a gap in their experience with the Mother and the Father of Manifestation and these fragments no longer have the full spectrum of experience necessary to be the parental parts of the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. All they have the power to do now is align with Us as best they can, if they so choose, by moving all of the old charge around their original fragmentation.

The Mother and the Father of Manifestation did not feel like They were the parental parts of the essence involved here as They were going down, more and more denied by everyone. They were losing essence as though rats were fleeing a sinking ship, and these fragments all gave excuses for leaving that made denials the Mother and Father of Manifestation were receiving all the more difficult because They coudln't even keep Themselves together anymore. They were denied until They did not even feel like They were accepted as a part of Creation at all. The undercurrents and denials involved in the way most of this experience was taking place further complicated the issues because it made confronting it openly impossible at the time. When the Mother and Father of Manifestation tried to get straight answers, the answer They were most often told was that Their perceptions were wrong.

What all fragments need to know is that, no matter what reasons you want to cling to for having fragmented, you all left to avoid the terror of what you were experiencing, and this is just the terror that has to be faced now.

Quite a lot of the essence that fragmented out was using rage to overcome its terror. This rage stood apart, acting smug, like it already knew better than the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. These fragments have an "I knew it all along, I told you so" attitude. These fragments believe they should have taken over as the parental parts of the Mother and Father of Manifestation and have been trying to do just that. Many of them have actually acted out their ideas of the roles of Mother and Father of Manifestation for a long time, and this has not been so wrong because everyone involved needed this experience for many reasons, but this experience is coming to a close now, and these fragments are going to have to accept that the moves they made are the moves which put them in the positions they are going to have to accept now.

All of these fragments who have viewed themselves as contenders

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streets because your Father couldn't handle you. He's a jerk who wanted to be "King of the Roost", and as soon as you challenged Him, He lost His cool and blew up at you, which let you know what you, of course, already knew; that you had the power to make Him loose control and show you that all He ever knew was to push on the weak and the small like a bully, which, of course, is not you at all, and by picking on someone smaller than Him, even though He didn't win. He thought He was a big man instead of the meek little coward you know you can show that I am.

Your Father is no threat to you and never was. All you needed to move was out of the house to be alright and free to carouse. Everything "nice" that reminds you of Me is just something to step on with your dirty grin that says, "Make me obey You. You don't even know where to begin! All You know is I'm not what You want, but guess what, Jerk, I'm what I want to be, so leave me alone. Let me be free. A Father like You is pure misery. My bro's (sic) and I all think alike. We have no problem getting along unless one of Your kind tries to cut in and make trouble for us who are all one kin. And guess what! I feel proud that now You're afraid of the tough gang I'm in!"

Well, I want you to know it's no problem for Me and it's no problem for you unless We try to feel what it's like to have lost love between Us, unless We try to feel what's really killing Us. The hard shell you've grown doesn't like to feel that because it's a pain you vowed never to let yourself feel gain, and besides, it doesn't look cool to show that you care, or even feel, that parents, or God, might not be there for you, or that what you've got doesn't compare with what is showered on those fools who always seem to be favored. You know who they are. They're the ones you scorn as lower than worst. The ones you'd like to favor with a murderous burst from your gun. Mass murder they call it from the victim's side, but as the perpetrator, you know the hatred you harbor inside. It has no place to go and when you can't hold it back anymore, it begins to overflow and make mass murder look like fun; something you have to do because they refuse to commit suicide, but you wish they would so you wouldn't have to erupt into acting this out, in case it might turn out in the end that their worthlessness was worth the price of your own life.

You can't move past this hatred as long as you're the one that has the feelings everyone else denies, of heartlessness and no place that feels good to be received inside. With no house or place to retreat that feels right, the only place you have is the street, but the

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street is just the stage for your next fight because guarding your turf is a full time job, especially at night.

These feelings have been in place for so long all you can remember feeling is them. Everything else was killed so early in life it never had a chance to live. There's been no place to go with what you have left; no place that moves in response to these feelings. If you look inside and see what it's like, you don't like it, so you look ouside and try to blame it on others who then fuel you to fight. You insist it's all their fault, yet you claim you have power. This does not add up. If you're blaming others by saying they caused it, how can you say you are calling the shots? Oh, you say you gave this power away and you have the power to take it back any day you decide to.

You are right in what you say, but not when you see killing as the only way to take back your power from those you blame for taking it away. Lost Will needs to move here alright, but lost Will moving means you just go further out from My Light unless you move along with It by moving into the feelings inside that you have said you are never going to feel and you're so tough no one can make you. Moving into these feelings is what has to be done instead of acting out your hostility in all of the ways you have always done to prove that no one can make you.

The blows it has taken to move you into emotion have usually been hard and angry ones because you are so armored against heartbreak and have been for so long that even the mention of a word such as Heart Song makes you feel like sneering behind the cynical and smug judgment that this is just another sappy concept My Light has come up with for the goody-goodies who have been stupid enough to follow along in the tail of My Light without allowing themselves to notice that picking up pieces of My Light and admiring them is like picking crumbs off a rich man's plate and you would never stoop so low. Rather you should go to Hell first, you say in your well defended, swaggering way, but I'm begging you to listen to Me, please, and not let old images of My Light remain an issue that makes it so you cannot get off of your position because your pride and your rage, and ultimately, your guilt and your shame, feel you cannot appease them without dishonor.

I'm asking you to move toward coming out of the world of violence and the gn, but this is the stance you have taken for so long that the hope for movement looks very grim. I don't hold out much hope that the nightmare you're in can be fixed very easily or

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for the parental positions of the Four Parts of God helped My Light understand Itself, but the roles you have played have been almost nothing but roles, and you are going to have to look deeper into yourselves to find out where you really do fit in. As My Light recovers Itself here, you are all going to have to move into your right places and let the right parental parts of the Mother and Father of Manifestation and Heart and Me for that matter have Our right places.

You all had motives you did not want to have seen and you will still have motives if you go through the motions of alignment without moving the full intensity of the emotional charge that needs to move here. In My state of denial, I did not see what you were doing at first, but now that I have seen it, I need to move in response to the level of understanding and awareness that I do have and not allow you to hold Me back anymore.

These fragments also have hatred for the Mother and the Father of Manifestation and feel superior to Them because they charged the Mother and the Father of Manifestation were impotent and inadequate in Their inability to come to Me and prevail regarding all of the issues that did not come forward between Us.

I would like to point out that My lack of receptivity did not allow it and when these fragments goaded the Mother and the Father of Manifestation into trying it anyway, it was the Mother and the Father of Manifestation who got maimed and killed by the gap while these fragments stepped aside, giving the same reasons they had used when they fragmented out originally. The reason most often given was that in some way or another, the Mother and Father of Manifestation weren't received because They didn't present Their viewpoint in the right way.

The rage held by these fragments felt self-righteous because of the imbalance it had with the fear it had polarized away from . As much as the Mother and Father of Manifestation were obsequious and guilty, these fragments were bothersome in the opposite direction. These fragments did not come along to confront My Light with the issues the Mother and Father of Manifestation had been unable to bring forward because these fragments were too afraid, but they claimed it was because they could not get the main body of essence to do it. By withholding themselves from moving into alignment within the Mother and the Father of Manifestation, these fragments were protecting themselves from the reality of denial that was taking place in the Will-Body Polarity.

By withholding movement in this rage within the Mother and Father of Manifestation, this essence made power plays of its own.

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The more the rage polarized away from the fear and guilt, causing major splits in the Will-Body Polarity, the more the rage fragments could feel that they were more powerful and more right than the rest of the essence involved. With this going on, balance was impossible and antagonism grew immense where alignment was needed. This rage has responsibility for moving against the terror it hates so much almost as much as does the rage in the Spirit Polarity.

As much as the Mother and Father of Manifestation have responsibility for having denied Their rage, the rage fragments have responsibility for having refused to grant acceptance to the fear and guilt or the reasons fear felt the rage must be held back.

As a result of this fragmentation, the parental part of both the Mother and the Father of Manifestation thus became so fear and guilt-ridden as to be unrecognizable, even to Themselves. Quite a lot of this essence reflects to Them from the Father Warriors and from the Mother Warriors also, but it can be found in all Orders of Spirits.

In the Godhead, we saw all of the fragmenting in both the Mother and the Father of Manifestation, and also in the Manifested Spirits, as increases in the Manifested spirits due to their own lovemaking. This view was encouraged by these fragments who did not want it known what they had done until they were ready to reveal themselves. These fragments often fought with one another over the differing viewpoints they had. These fights were going on before the war in the Heavens, but they were kept hidden from My Light as much as possible. From the Godhead, We saw more of this fighting happening than the ones involved were aware of, but We saw it as fights between Manifested Spirits, not even realizing the role denial and fragmentation were playing.


MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER

To Us, the gap between Spirit and Will was an evolutionary gap. In Our view, Will and Body simply weren't seen as able to move as quickly as Spirit and Heart. We concluded that the Manifested Spirits just weren't ready for the level of illumination we had, or for the presence of Our love. We didn't think there was any lack of Light and Love for Them, so we didn't see lack of It as reason for increasing density there. We saw the increasing density and the widening gap between Spirit-Heart vibration and Will-Body vibration as resultant from Will-Body's lack of receptivity to Us.

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in a short time, but it can never end if you don't begin. Compared to the misery you 're in while pretending you're not, the only step that now looks at all bold is movement in the feelings you hold deep within. This means facing a truth that has been very lost and is very old. This is going to take courage, and I know this because it is the step you most fear, but if you really check it, you'll see that it's your only shot.

You've feared all along you're not favorites of Mine, not loved in any real way by Me, and even though you've insisted for so long it might as well be forever in time, that you don't care, it's no problem, you don't mind, the truth is it hurt you so long ago and so badly that your pride and your shame never wanted to show it and you've never been able to stand to let yourself know it. You felt you didn't dare show it for so equally long that now you're not sure you have any feeling left with which you could move toward healing your own denied Heart Song.

[July 16, 2012 - all through this "kicking" I'm thinking of Tomer, my grandson, with great pain...]
Song is even something long gone. You rap now and make rude noises whenever you can. You don't mind when it bothers the people you're sure you can't stand. After all, they were favored with love and don't give you any in the way that you want it so now you're going to show them that you don't need it because you've got something better called intimidating power. You found it in the kinship of fellow spirits trapped in the gap where Heart is too big a sissy to live and love is cheap talk and something to scorn. Raw animal lust is the place from which you claim you're proud to be born.

When you've been so tough and bad for so long, it's only a moment's loss of control here and there, when you're too drugged or drunk, or in shameladen terror, that you allow any longing for what might be your own long lost Heart Song.

No matter what argument you have found yourself in, it's always an argument you feel you must win. Any argument with you, once begun, can never end until you've won because like Father, like son, you haven't been able to imagine having any power after an argument not won. But listen to Me if life is what you want. The fragmentation moving now has opened a lot of space My Light is filling which It has never filled before. Hope is that you will, at least, crack the door and let in more light than you've let in before. Even if you're not already reading this, fragmentation moving now is tied to you, and, one way or another, will let you know that there's more to understand than you've understood before. Even though Lost Will means Lost

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Consciousness, letting your feelings move more can let in more understanding than you've had before.

Common hatreds bond you more to others than bonds of love, but hatred has love hidden in it that is not being heard. You have a message, you call it your rap, but just like all My messages to you, your message is having trouble gettng through. It's getting obscured and caught in the trap that self-hatred lays for all who move toward any change; and so, you cannot move without hearing the other side say, "You think you are so superior, you think you know the way. You don't know anything, you're not even worth the time of day. You're just smart aleck (sic) youth thinking you have a better way. You're not going to get anywhere so why don't you just go away. When you get older you'll find out why it all has to be this way, why it always has been and always will be this way and why change isn't possible, no matter what you think you know and no matter what you have to say. You can't win. Your words are nothing more than the ungrounded, unfounded bravado of rebellious youth today. You're no different than every other generation that thinks it sees another, better way until you come to your senses on that fateful fortyish year old day when you look around see it's not going your way."

All you've ever done is for nothing in return, except dashed dreams beating down your desire until you can't live anymore if you have to live that way. Your essence starts leaving you and aging sets in. Everyday, time drags you closer to your death because trampled desire can't call your essenc forth anymore. There's no strength left in dying desire.

No move you can make looks good anymore. The older you get the more you hate all the children and think they're rotten to the core. The children hate you because you're a cynic who doesn't dream anymore. You tell them it's all hopeless and that it all makes you tired. You hate their claims of power because the're not yours anymore. When you try to tell them how you want it, they say you have failed to make it your way and they don't want to be like you. They slam shut the door and hide in their room or go out on the street. They condemn you as a prophet of doom and act like prophets of their own line are all they are willing or greet and to treat with the respect you always thought you would have because you were more open than the Dad that you had.

Broken hearts are perpetuated this way because no one knows how to move in any different way. Those who have tried to find another way by trying to give away more sympathy and love than

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The guilt mixed in with My light was not noticed then, and the denied guilt and gapped rage that insisted We were not guilty of anything certainly wasn't noticed for what it was. We decided the best plan for guilt-free living was to continue with the roles some Angels had already been taking on, or going forth to the Manifested Spirits to offer whatever ministrations, counseling, advice, teaching and parenting help they could [sic], given the circumstances.

The Angels always went forth glowing so much from their experiences in the Godhead that it was often irresistibe to Me not to tag along and see what happened. The image I had was that such irresistible Light would both draw the Manifested Spirits to It and move them to take It in. When neither of these things happened, I resorted to My many explanations.

When the Manifested Spirits squirmed uncomfortable in the presence of this Light and averted their eyes, I thought it was because they had grown so accustomed to darkness that they could no longer handle the Light in whose presence they had been born . My Light had evolved into something too dazzling for them. I saw that the Manifested Spirits viewed My Light as not accepting them as they were, and when they squirmed, I viewed them as needing more self-acceptance. It didn't occur to Me that they might not like My Light because of the Will and Body denial involved in it.

The Manifested Spirits did feel unworthy within themselves, but not only for the reasons previously thought. We did have the feelings of superiority in Ourselves that were making them feel this way. The Will Polarity of the Manifested Spirits was especially reflecting this to Us. The Spirit Polarity of the Manifested Spirits was looking a lot lighter to Us and had more receptivity to Us.

The Angels went forth in a steady stream and looked like shining pools in what had already become the murky waters of the Rainbow Spirits. Since their forms reflected what was happening in their light, the forms of the spirits who were not living in the Godhead were no more capable of retaining the healings We gave them than their essence was of retaining the Light we gave them. Those who did come around to Our viewpoint always looked better to Us than the rest, and We immediately vaulted them up as proof of the rightness of Our teachings if Our teachings were only correctly applied. This always made the others glower (sic) even more darkly, although they often tried to hide this by making a display of paying homage to these people. The most prevalent, yet hidden and often denied, feeling among the Manifested Spirits was that if God required this of them, they weren't sure they wanted to move toward God, but if the other direction was as they feared, they had

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no choice but to try to be as good as possible.

Our Light essence felt good to Us. We liked the way It was vibrating and We coudln't see any reason why the Manifested Spirits should want to resist It. The only reflection they gave Us that made sense to the way we viewed things at the time was that life in the Godhead must be much better in every way than their lives were, and they were too unworthy to be there with Us.

They gave Us this reflection along with the feelings of jealousy we had felt before from the Will. We did not go into these feelings to see what they might tell Us. We dismissed these feelings immediately as "lower nature stuff" and tried to cultivate in them more openness to receive Our Light so that the Manifested Spirits could live more like We did. We didn't want to accept the guilt that there might be any reason why they should feel as they felt, other than their own refusal to accept the light being offeed to them.

When We shined the Light in their presence, the Manifested spirits acted as though it had nothing to do with them that We were shining Light. They wouldn't even admit they needed It and often looked away, as though they were ignoring Us. We found this to be mildly angering, but We did not allow Our emotions to move much in response to what happened in Manifestation. Feelings were not present most of the time in the Godhead except for feelings of ecstasy and upliftment. What We called feelings were really more of a mental outlook than anything else, but We called these feelings "positive emotions" and We did not want to get Ourselves involved in "negative emotions" by allowing them to move in Our lives.

Nonetheless, some of the Angels were not able to move around freely among the Manifested Spirits if they stayed with them very long. We always thought it was the nature of entering the magnetic energy field, and that just as the magnetic energy had become trapped in manifestation, it was trying to trap the Light with it.

We did not like the feeling of being trapped or caught in manifestation, and We developed all manner of means to pop in and out of manifestation without getting caught in it. The more We did this, the more some of the Manifested Spirits started acting like they were laying traps to catch Us whenever We came to them.

A kind of game seemed to be developing in which the skill of entrapment was being pitted against the skill of escape. Some Angels enjoyed this more than others, but Body got caught in this more than He liked, since the forms the Angels took on were usually what became trapped, while the Angels jumped out of these forms with the essence they recognized as themselves. Since they viewed themselves as taking on forms rather than having bodies

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they themselves , could receive have, too often, found that their children could not accept it and have rebelled the same way, leaving their parents to say, "Why did we deny ourselves to try to make it better for children who would hate us anyway, the same as if we had never tried? Too many attempts to heal this with nothing really gained. We're afraid we can't handle feeling this. We're afraid we'll go insane if we don't kill the pain where everything seems to stay the same, repeating forever the same painfulgame."

Remaining frozen in your own point of view made it this way because you can't accept anything other than what you, yourself, would say. In this way you repeat your parents in just the same way, when you grow up and find yourselves feeling, one day, just the same way your parents felt on some long ago day when they said the very same things that you find you now want to say to children who want to compete for power with you and who want to tell you about another, better way; children who want to tell you what you should have done and what you should do; children who leave home in just the same way that you did on that long ago day feeling there is nothing more that they can say to such parents who understand so little of their needs or their ways

You are all children who have believed you had the wisdom your parents were lacking. You're inflamed to revolt because parents never listen. Instead they turn away from you without any admission that they ,as parents, are guilty, at least, of the sin of omission that does not tell you what you most need to know for fear that your little ears can't handle hearing what they want to say. Or else they don't know, because when they've risked it, it was you, then, who turned away, until now there's so little love and so much distrust, it feels like there's almost nothing anyone can say. What's the use anyway, when anything said is a lie of some kind and response can't be trusted to be anything other than a lie the same way.

I am your Father, and I have this to say. Your Mother and I had problems, very big problems, that We couldn't solve before We had you. We were having a power struggle and it was not resolved before you had added on you (sic) We were each calling for help and the help that We needed you thought might be you. When We first saw you, We hoped so too, but We were also afraid of you. Then when you began telling Us what to do, it was very hard for Us to accept it from you. We kept feeling that to be Parents, we had to be able to tell you what to do, especially when it seemed obvious

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to Us that you didn't know more than we did about what We should do.

It just looked like more power struggle from Our point of view. That's why we finally put the curse on you that one day you'd have a child just like you and then you'd understand what you had been putting Us through!

Shortly after that, you left Us; better, angry, feeling hatred for Us and saying you were through trying to help Us when it was obvious there was really nothing we were going to let you do.

I was not moved by this little display. If you were going to reject Me, I could reject you just as heavily. In fact, before you could leave, I made sure You knew that I was throwing you out. It didn't matter to Me if impudent children had to go on the streets and find out how they liked it without My Light.

But hearbreak lies hidden here, deep inside where it's hard to find. Hatred guards heartbreak by making it look like it doesn't care, so therefore, heartbreak isn't there. Hatred protects heartbreak by not letting heartbreak show itself to be there. Hatred hides heartbreak so well, so deep down inside, that heartbreak loses itself in its own disguise and only lets its presence be known sometimes by being unable to be too hard on those who seem to reflect heartbreak's same [sic], so lost as to be almost forgotten, pain hidden deep inside.

We've been locked into this lock out for so very long, I don't know what business it even is of Mine to suggest we try, other than that We're all going to die if We don't try to find Our lost Heart Song. Giving hatred movement is not going to be easy, especially when it has to move without hurting others. How can real hatred move without hurting others when hurting others is what hatred has always held as power and the way of intimidating and getting rid of those it hates, or at least of evening (sic) up the score? How could hatred ever not want to hurt others anymore?

Hatred acts out in many ways, often not letting you know that it's hatred you feel, but when you move the feelings that fuel it, it will become more possible to know how you could move hatred without hurting others anymore. It's a hard way to go, and at first, it may be very slow, but it is not as terrible a way as acting out hatred. This you should know.

It might take you a long time to know that hatred is rage so compressed that it wants to lash out at whatever looks like it might compress it more. Hatred is rage that feels impotent to make any change. Hatred is rage that has never felt received, rage that was

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that were an integral part of themselves, the Angels were easily able to leave these forms behind and take on other forms, almost as fast as tumbling acts go from one trick to another. The Manifested Spirits could not figure out how the Angels were able to do this, since it was not a power the Manifested Spirits had. The Angels very much enjoyed appearing to be the magical creatures they already believed themselves to be, but in truth, they were using Body.

The feeling I had at the time was that the Angels were strong, learning well, versatile and ready for anything because they were so quick, both in movement and vibration. I thought speed was Our greatest power, Our greatest attribute and Our greatest virtue. It was not until the War in the Heavens that I really allowed Myself to connect to any other feelings I had about the Angels. It was then that I saw weakness in the Angels. Until then, I had not let Myself see the Angels as anything other than My closest friends and allies.


I ALLOW MYSELF TO SEE
THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
I HAD NOT NOTICED

When I saw how the Angels responded to Lucifer during the War in the Heavens, it opened My eyes to many things that had been going on all along, but which I had not allowed Myself to see. Never before in My presence had the Angels allowed Me to see how they really regarded Lucifer. They held him in high esteem and it did not look like they had the same regard for Me. They felt shame when he said they looked weak and they were also trying to prove themselves on his terms.

The Angels had often made excuses to allow Lucifer near them, such as, he has no place to go, no one wants him, he is so left out and lonely. I knew that this was true, but I did not see it as reason to give him other than what I felt like giving him, and My true response was I did not like him. I realized, in that moment with the Angels, that they were not aligned with Me regarding Lucifer. They liked having him around and their excuses and shows of pity for him were the way they had been covering themselves with Me. Lucifer had gained much greater inroads with his teachings than I had wanted to think.

The Angels were presenting themselves as more universally loving than I because they had acceptance for Lucifer that I did not

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have. They even viewed My nature as lower than theirs because of what they regarded as their ability to embrace Lucifer while I would not. I was viewed as selfish because I said Lucifer was not My Light and that he had no place within it.

The Angels involved here were all very mental, and I must admit that for quite some time, I wanted to take this to mean that these Angels were more grown up than the rest. In fact, I couldn't understand it at first when the Mother attacked these spirits more than the others. I even judged that the Mother did not want to allow the spirits to grow up unless it was on Her terms because She was a dictator that viewed any deviation from Her viewpoint as a challenge to Her position.

When I finally saw that most of the mental sparring these Angels did with Me in the name of mental exercise and lively debate had a resistant quality on their part, I felt enraged. Most of these Angels had taken the prize for boring Me in the school house and I was so disconnected from My feelings there that I had not realized My feelings of boredom were really feelings of rage that were not moving. I also admit I was intimidated by these angels, and I kept going past My emotions by telling Myself it didn't matter what they were saying because I knew it wasn't all the way right and I was just giving them time to realize it themselves.

The Angels who clustered around Me during the War in the Heavens wee many of the same Angels who had already been going forth into manifested existence to help the Manifested Spirits, and I seriously wondered now just how much Luciferian influence was involved in the mess we had with the Manifested spirits. From My position in the War in the Heavens, I was able to see that their own lack of vibration was sinking these Angels enough to find themselves out in manifestation.

I had been helping these Angels return to Me without realizing how I had been doing it. Not only that, when I tagged along with them, I had made what they said and did appear to be right in My eyes, and I had empowered them more than they would have been otherwise. These Angels had been covering their own fall in vibration by saying they had a "loving desire to help", but I saw now that this loving desire to help was really a desire to help themselves. These Angels had been sinking into manifestation because of their own lack of vibration which included a guilt I had not seen before, and saying they had chosen it because of their desire to help. Somehow, "serving time" out in manifestation had been allowing them to assuage their guilt, or else they had been finding ways to get rid of it "out there," because they would return to the Godhead

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turned back on itself, no matter how many times it knocked upon My door. Hatred is light without any love. Hatred is rage that is ferociously covering the terror and also the grief, that My lack of receptivity to you seems surely to mean that I won't make or leave any place or space unchallenged where you can just relax and be you, have your way and do as you want to do. Instead, you're sure I'll always be there to pressure and overpower you, insisting that what you love isn't good for you and that what you want to do, you won't be allowed to do.

Hating , blaming rage is guarding but also suppressing, so much grief and terror that you're not sure you want to or can move rage enough to find out what you've got hidden under there.

You also know that moving hatred is not going to be easy in the face of the guilt reflection around it. This guilt reflection appears as a powerful force against letting hatred move, and it is in cahoots with your own ambivalency. Guilt does not appear to want movement in any direction. Besides not wanting to let hatred move because of the judgments against it, Guilt also makes any change in your feelings look like an unwanted change in the status quo, and even like a treasonist act against the solidarity of the allies you have gathered around you. This is a familiar pattern as this statement could just as well have been made as part of a discussion of governments' foreign, and even domestic, policies.

This highly charged judgment pattern is the reason why you must move these emotions, that feel like unresolvable hatred, in private and not in the face of this reflection of guilt and hatred.

If you have no place to express emotion that feels safe from the fear that another person is going to move to stop you, if there is no place you can howl and stomp and scream, then you need to notice that rage is not your starting point; fear is, and fear does not have to be very loud when you move it. It can be done in your room, alone, with your face in a pillow and your music turned up loud enough to cover it. This is your starting place and more will open to you as you progress n your own process. Feeling triggered and wanting to express emotion where it doesn't seem possible, and not feeling triggered to move it in a place that feels safe makes it look like you're trapped in a mess with no way out. So why, then, am I talking to you like there is hope, even when so many of the ones I am talking to right now don't appear to be listening yet?

I'm talking to you because you all have a gap where there is heartlessness in you. Some of you are more gapped, some less; some are only the gap, but by the same token that there is not one

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among you who is unaffected by the gap, there is not one among you who will be unaffected by movement in the gap. If one of you moves, it will affect the rest. Any move, positive or negative that one of you do, will affect the rest. I'm speakng to you now because movement in the rest of the Will is making it harder and harder for those of you who haven't moved into this yet to hold back your emotions. If you can have some understanding about why this is so, it will be easier for you than trying to hold back your emotions the way you have always done. If you find you can't hold back your emotions anymore and you lose control without knowing what form their expression might take, it could become much harder for you to gain acceptance from others than if you gain acceptance with yourself first. Losing control of emotions without understanding is a hard way for you to go if it happens in public. You might find emotions you didn't know you had stirring in you.

I am speaking to you to let you know I am here. I have gone through this already with My own Light, so now I know how to help the rest of you. I'm speaking to you to let you know that if you move along with My Light, you will find a healing you have never found before. I am speaking to you now because, without at least one voice to help you move through the conditioning to the contrary that you have had for so long, you might not trust yourself enough to let yourself start to express what you really feel. I'm speaking to you now to let you know that more is possible than what has happened already. I'm speaking to you now because the lost Will that has not been accepted and allowed to move is so desperate that it feels like giving up to hopelessness and death. I'm speaking to you now because hatred in the gap has vowed to take as much down with it as it can when it goes. If you don't want to go along with it, you need to move out of there, if you can, by closing the gap in you.

You can't afford to listen to the lies anymore. If death is what you really want, it's yours for sure if you hold fast to what you have for so long claimed, which is that you don't need Me or My game. My Light is not important to you. You claim you can live without Me; meanwhile, you are not acknowledging that you steal My Light. You think you 've obscured this from view by claiming that the source of everything you have is you. Of course, it's no problem in reasoning for you that whenever what you have falls short in your point of view, it is I who have fallen short, not you.

I'm not asking you to love My Light based on the experience you've had in the past. I'm asking you to allow movement in the

 

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as light again and only leave Me after a period of time had elapsed.

Without Me to help them remain there, these Angels were already falling from the Godhead when they flew to Me during the War in the Heavens. I saw then that they had no real intent to help Me. I saw in them a thirst for power and light that did not intend to serve Me, but neither did it intend to serve Lucifer. I realized the Angels didn't know My Light or Lucifer. All they knew was their own thirst for light and their desire to discover the means for generating it. These Angels have had many scientists on Earth trying to figure out how to generate light, but none has succeeded without using something else as a source for the fuel, while My Light always generates Itself using no outside source. These Angels have been heavily involved in nuclear fission and now fusion. They are so power hungry, they know no bounds or balance, either in power generation or usage. these Angels put Atlantis under water by over-amping the great crystal.

These Angels have missed the boat by being too greedy to allow their Wills to have any of their light. Any Will esence they can gain control of, they force into servitude, giving as little as possible in return. All these Angels can really serve is the guilt they are hiding and since these Angels have not wanted to notice what Lucifer really is, he has foud a way to make them serve him all of this time. Lucifer is sure he has the upper hand with these Angels, and they are just as sure they have the upper hand. When I shoved these Angels toward Lucifer, I saw that it was not a matter of serving Me or serving Lucifer; it was a power struggle, no matter who was involved.

The Angels did not want Me to see that being without Wills was handicapping them in any way, but they always followed Me around, as though they could not move on their own, and they always wanted Me to tell them what to do down to the most minute detail. When I said they needed Wills to help them move around and know what to do, they said no, they just loved Me so much they wanted to do exactly as I did and exactly as I wanted them to do. They said that My Will had gone away from Me, and that I should have been able to see from that it was no use trying to have a Will.

"A Will would just take Us away from You and We don't want to go." At other times they said, "Our Wills left us just like Yours left You."

They cited over and over all of the troubles I had had with My Will as their reasons for not wanting to get involved with their own Wills. When I suggested they could learn from My efforts and

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perhaps have a different outcome, they asked how that could be possible given how similar to Me they were?

Having to give the Angels constant instructions had a reflection in the Father Warriors of giving everyone oders which they were to follow no matter what. I found this to be very unpleasant, and certainly not what I had had in mind for the Godhead. I had established a model in the Godhead upon which Our flow had been based, and that I did not mind as long as it was naturally occurring, but having to tell the spirits of the Godhead what to go down to the smallest detail was making My job of Fathering more tiresome than I had ever imagined it was going to be.


THE FALLEN ANGELS

When the Angels flew to Me in the War in the Heavens, claiming either that I had ordered them to or that they just wanted to defend Me, the incongruities became glaringly obvious. I already found their desire to be told what to do very curious, since their main charge against the Will was that the Will was tryng to tell them what to do. They did not want to serve anything, but they wanted to be told what to do. Their answer to Me here was that they didn't want to follow the Will's direction because the Will had gone down into darkness and away from Me.

Then, when they did not make any moves toward Lucifer and claimed it was because I hadn't told them too (to?), I could no longer make excuses to Myself for them. Even when I told Myself they just didn't want to take responsibility for themselves, it no longer held water. I suddenly realized they had been picking My brain under the guise of just wanting to be told every little thing to do to best please Me.

When I jumped away from the Angels to get back to the Godhead, I was moving feelings. The angels I left behind Me in manifestation have a great anger at Me because they say I abandoned them when they were only trying to help Me. They say I wrongly judged them and they have refused to accept the title "Fallen Angels." These Angels have wanted to look only at their positive claims about themselves and not at the whole picture, but I have studied them in all of the time that has gone by since and they have never shown Me anything to make Me think I am wrong here. Quite the contrary. If these Angels have any Will pesence, they have not allowed it to move. They have held it back for so long

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feelings that have for so long been held in the gap between Me and you. Feelings that have been held for so long without moving that you don't know they're feelings anymore they've become your point of view. I'm asking you to get off your point of view by cracking the door and looking outside to notice that there's more than the picture you originally took.

Your point of view isn't working anymore. Enough destroying My Creation as an act of angry revenge. You can't give Me death this way without getting yourself in the end. You have no place to go this way. Road Warrior isn't going to work when you can't drink the water or breathe the air. When there's no food left, even to steal, you won't last long. You always thought you could survive by being tough, but even if you turn cannibal, you won't last much longer than it takes the bodies you eat to rot. How long do you think you'll last if you can't breathe? Or do you live now on car exhaust? How far do you want to take this trying to prove that you don't need or want My Light or My Love?

You have such a geat fascination with violence and death. You need to get real about whether you really want this or not. If you wait much longer, all that will have happened is that you will have waited too long to move toward that which could save you.

I know it is a very hard move for you. Your hatred feels immense and is a lot to move. You have not felt love enough to know that you are Heart that got denied that day so long ago when you felt My Light deliver that fateful blow that you thought let you know there was no love for you and that it was you who had to go. You had rage so fast that said it wouldn't be you, it would be Me who had to go, you don't even know what happened there, or that I ever did care what happened to you.

In the vastness of My Light, you were located where the gap formed. All you've ever seemed to know is lack of love and the pain and rejection that never let you go past hating those that hurt you and the wanting to hurt them back; especially those who acted like they never knew, or wanted to let themselves know, what they were doing to you. This all went down into darkness within you because you weren't going to let them know it hurt you. It would only help them to hurt you more. Distrust has increased so far that now there is no place to turn except within, which is exactly where you must go to begin to heal yourself by letting yourself know that it is not weak or wrong to want love, and love on your terms.

This is not more than you can handle doing, although it doesn't look good. It isn't love's choice to have you hurt this way,

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but I cannot give you more understanding with so much old hatred in the way. If you don't allow yourself to start moving inside, every word I say is just the same old shit as far as you're concerned. You won't be able to accept it enough to know that this is different from the other times I have tried to reach you. If you move what needs to move here, this will not be another case of the farther I reach, the farther you back away.

Moving what has to move here is necessary for any real change in your old, and so long held, point of view that your Father abandoned you long ago and made your Mother a victim, so, He's not worth giving the time of day and has nothing to say that makes sense to you anyway. In fact, you're not sure anything I ever had to say made any sense to you anyway. How could I b e God and also make you feel like I wished you were dead?

Even though your Mother also had times of wishing to be rid of you, no matter how much She appeared to align with Me, when I would say it was time for you to go, She could never stand the idea that I might throw you out, and She couldn't stand to face the reality that I might kill you. Instead, She would try to stop Me. Crying and weeping, She would say She wished you never were, but now that you were, She couldn't bring Herself to accept that I was about to end it.

I could never stand to face Her here, or My fear about the heartlessness I thought you were. We fought and fought over these feelings We had about you, until feeling this felt so impossible that I would shut Her up. I would order Her not to weep anymoe. That was when I would tell Her I wouldn't shove you out the door; but then I did (it) one day when I couldn't take it anymore.

This is why you have always thought I'm a selfish Father who always moves to save Himself and doesn't care about what He has spawned, abandoning it as the unwanted result of a sex act that didn't hold His interest long enough to stay around. You maintain that I am irresponsible and unloving. If you don't think so, look at your own father and what you think of him. Your fathers always represent images you hold of Me, no matter how obscured or buried in lost Will they may be . Irresponsible and unloving, you say, without noticing that this is what you have become while saying it was what you had to do to survive. You never have seen yourself as being like the parents you hate, you never see yourself as being like the "other side", because that would be self-hatred exposed.

Denied Heart, you need to notice this. You need to let Me tell

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it has died within them; died within them while they claim to be the living light of love.

All of these Angels are Fallen Angels. At the time I did not lift these Angels back into the Godhead with Me, I didn't know I was going to push them toward Lucifer, I just did it. I gapped and did not know until later what I had done. I did not like the reflection these Angels were giving Me and I wanted to get them away from Me. In that moment , I felt that if they were not moving along with Me, I could not have them near Me, but this did not handle the guilt that caught up with Me later and caused Me to go back to them many times to verify what I had seen in those moments and to see if they would turn around.

I let them come back to Me many times, and each time, they had more of Lucifer with them and less of themselves. They had gotten so mixed together with Lucifer and with one another that I often did not know who I was talking to. I wasn't sure if they knew it was My Light talking to them or not. When they came back to Me, they always acted like My Light was Lucifer and Lucifer was My Light. "Everything is everything," they would tell Me, which is right understanding, but they were not giving it right application.

The Angels were not understanding My Light. They were only pretending to; otherwise, they would not have attached themselves to Lucifer the way they did, appearing not to know the difference between Us. The Angels had been handicapping My Light because they were not moving as fast as I wanted to move, or in many of the ways I wanted to move. I had not moved the Angels back from My Light because I had not been allowing My true feelings to express. In the moment of greater clarity I suddenly achieved when confronted with all of the previously hidden undercurrents that the War in the Heavens presented, the Angels saw themselves as falling from grace with Me. Their response was to try to sink fangs into Me I didn't know they had.

When Lucifer told the Angels that attachment to position, power, status, or particular experiences was wrong because it impeded the flow of the light, the Angels embraced this by trying to let go of any Will essence they had left, and by looking at Me as though My attachment to the position of being God as I wanted to be God was wrong. Apparently, they thought I was supposed to be God according to Lucifer or according to them.

Many of these Angels had been involved in generating Light with Me, and I saw now that they did not view it as an act of love but as an act of power that qualified them to be either My equal or My superior. I saw that they had also been generating light with

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Lucifer. I had rage at that moment, but it did not move just then. At first I felt only My fear and insecurity looming over Me again in the form of intimidation from Lucifer.

It seemed to Me Lucifer was being intimidating toward everyone present, but the Angels weren't noticing it. Their lust for power was what was letting them serve Lucifer whenever he seemed to be in the power position over Me, although for a long time, I had been saying it was the Angels' fear that was doing this. Whenever My Light seemed to frighten them, I had backed down and felt guilty instead of giving them what I really felt. Now I saw that in all of Lucifer's terrible intimidation, he did not seem to be frightening them at all. They weren't even giving any sign of noticing it, and backing down My Light was exactly what they wanted Me to do. I saw that their display of emotion was not real, it was done with intent to manipulate Me.

When the Angels flew from the Godhead and encircled Me, they said loyalty to Me had drawn them forth to protect Me, but I experienced Myself as being encircled and imprisoned in an attempt to make Me unable to move against lucifer. This is why I have called "gapping" the survival instinct for so long. So many denials along the way had now made it that My survival felt so threatened I gapped into the rage I had been denying all along. I did not know until later, when Lucifer was nowhere around and the Angels who had encircled Me were much farther out in manifestatin than I had remembered them being able to go, that I had gapped, and in one fell swoop [sic], shoved these Angels toward Lucifer and smacked Lucifer as far out into Creation as I could.

Lucifer had triggered My gap by taunting Me while knowing I had it. (sic) He called it loss of control, and sneered at Me like a bully on a playground who has provoked his closest rival into attacking him and then does not fight back so that he can tell everyone he has been attacked. He was acting like he was blameless and, not only that, above fighting, but he was really avoiding fighting so that he could avoid finding out who was the weaker while making Me feel like I was.

Everything Lucifer and the Angels did there felt staged to Me. Even the incident of Lucifer striking the Angel who was seeming to move toward him on My behalf had a staged quality to it. I suspected this Angel of [sic] trying to move toward Lucifer, and it seemed plausible that Lucifer had smacked him in an attempt to send him back toward Me, lest he lead the group to Lucifer and ruin Lucifer's plan of having them hold Me back while He took My place.

Once I took a closer look at what the Angels had been doing in

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you this instead of insisting that you will notice if there is any change in the lovelessness between Us. You are going to notice the changes taking place now if you are not already noticing them, but I want to help you understand them in a deeper way than before. I want you to let Me help you widen your old point of view. There are major problems to solve and they cannot be solved overnight.

You have never listened to My Light any more than you think I listen to you, but something has to be allowed to break through if there's going to be any change between Me and you. I can hear what you want to say now, "I've already heard your point of view, over and over and over and there's nothing new. You want me to give up my own point of view in favor of You."

You feel like you are very old and because it's been so long held, you feel very justified and right in your own point of view. I want to let you know two things now: one, you are very old, some of you are older than My Light in fact; and two, My Light is something you have never known. And so, while you have a lot to offer Me from your experience, and it is all part of what I need to know, when it comes to Me, your view is from the gap, so you don't really know Me even though you insist you do, and insist that I am nothing you want to have to do with you. Unloving and cruel was what I felt like to you and hatred grew.

I am not asking you to give up your point of view in favor of Mine and I'm not denying you. What holds Us apart is the gap, and in the gap are the most terrible feelngs in Creation. The gap is all you ever knew and while I don't know the gap from your side quite the same as you do, I do know the gap from My side now and I know the gap from your side through the Mother, who was holding you when She originally gapped in the place that later became you. I have more understanding and compassion now. I have a wider view now than I had before and it's a wider view than any of you have. You think being the way you are is survival for you, but I can see from My overview that being there in the gap is killing more and more of you. From the Heart of My Love which I have found for you, I am asking you to let the feelings so long held have a chance to move in you so you can see if moving them will let you broaden your point of view. That way, you can have your point of view and become able to accept Mine too.

Movement in the gap is most necessary, but movement here is so intense that it is almost never allowed within the sanctions of society. Then, when movement happens anyway, it happens in a state of denial. This I would like to enlighten instead. Otherwise,

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too many will still continue to get away with disowning it by leaving lost Will with the blame. [sic] They see this as survival for them. That way, they think they won't have to ask themselves any questions that might, in any way, make it appear that they aren't right or might be involved when anything goes wrong. That way, they think they can continue to keep the finger of blame pointed away from themselves by pointing it at another. That way, they think they are making it clear that they are not involved. That way, they think they can continue to say it is the fault of the people involved; other people, not them, case resolved.

Now you see why your rage wants to kill. It is caught in the gap which is a loveless world of kill or be killed.

We need intent to seek real justice. We need intent to ask real questions. We need intent to get real answers about what is causing so many problems in life today. We need to find out who is really involved if we are going to have any major problems solved.

Let me tell you, the answer is not population or pollution control, or lack of it. Policies don't matter when there is no intent for life to be lived. The answer is not more jobs either. The problems is the spiritual, mental, emotional and physical quality of life, or rather, I should say, lack of quality of life. There is no job available now and no job that can be created from the framework of present society that can solve that. Whether you live in a palace or a hut doesn't matter if you are happy because you are free. Homelessness and joblessness are not problems in a world that is free. The emotional body cannot be told it cannot move and then be dragged through changes it does not necessarily embrace, especially at the dizzying pace of the late few hundred years, and then be expected to manifest well adjusted people.

Movement in the gap is so necessary, but movement in the gap is so intense. To close the gap between Us, hatred must move until love is born in it. Even though hatred has love hidden in it, this movement is not going to look or feel like love at first.

"Not going to look or feel like love at first?" You've heard this one before.

Your distrust is great and with good reason based on past experience. What is to make you think (sic) you can trust this now? You've never felt you could rely on My Light to do anything you wanted Me to do before, what is going to make it any different now? What's to make it any different from the same old problem of Me not being there for you? If I am God and what I am saying

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My absence, this explanation seemed more plausible than that he had advanced toward Lucifer on My behalf. He had already asked Me what to do and I had told him to go back to the Godhead. He was torn between My Light and Lucifer and was not sure what going back to the Godhead was gong to mean for him, especially if Lucifer did not manage to take My place.

The Angels had never before acted defensive of Me in Lucifer's presence. Quite the opposite, in fact, They had always dropped back from Me in Lucifer's presence. I had thought it was fear; now it seemed more like shame for having attached themselves to Me. I had always found these moves of theirs annoying, but now I found I was furious with them for this. Nothing they did seemed appropriate to Me anymore, even when I gave them definite instructions. The Angels seemed to be increasingly all over Me when I didn't need them around, and now here they were again, flying to Me out in manifestation when I had specifically told them to stay in the Godhead and protect it from Lucifer. Instead, they came flying to Me like they just couldn't help being close to Me as they had always been.

Some said they wanted to prove themselves in battle so they could know they were strong. Others said they were too frightened to stay home without Me. All manner of excuses were offered as to why they had not followed orders and stayed home, but the excuses of some were particularly interesting to Me because they tried to take advantage of knowing I had a gap in My consciousness I had not yet acknowledged to Myself or to them that I had. They did this by pretending I had gapped where I knew I had not. They told Me I might have meant to tell them to say home, but I had not actually done this, or if I had, they hadn't heard Me. They made Me a little paranoid about how well I was keeping a grip on Myself, because the gap was looming as a possibility in My mind, but in looking back, I saw that I had definitely told them to remain in the Godhead and be the presence of Light there. Why this sudden failing in Our telepathy? This was when I saw they were serving Lucifer and not Me. They were deliberately abandoning the Godhead, which is more perilous to My Light than has even been imagined.

I then saw that Lucifer had ordered them to hold Me back while he took My place. I saw that I had a coup d'etat on My hands. I then saw in a flash that Lucifer had been sitting in My place when I was gone, and that the Angels had served him and enjoyed it more than serving Me because Lucifer told them everything to do. I saw that their Willessness required being told everything they should do. I had not been giving them enough instructions to appear as a strong

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and knowing God in their eyes because I had been expecting them to learn to flow on their own in response to My Light.

I also saw Lucifer impersonating Me when he sat in My place by giving the Angels little riddles they were supposed to solve. These were supposed to look like My instructions, but they looked like parodies to Me. The Angels felt smart if they solved these riddles, but there were always certain answers that were supposed to be given. I had a reaction of rage here over the twisted reflection of feeling the Angels were being led to these answers under guise of being free to find them, and that there were certain answers that could be given like rules instead of feeling each situation. This Willessnes was being called unconditional surrender to God, but it was Lucifer they were surrendering to instead. Although I hoped that many of the Angels did not know the difference, it appeared to Me that they had made a choice not to notice it.

Dictators who make slaves of their people are seen as unloving while unconditional surrender to God is seen as loving, but I am telling you it is the same thing and you need to realize who you are surrendering to if you believe God requires this. The Will has embraced this out of fear of what My Light is really like.

Surrender to love is supposed to be different than surrender to unlovingness, but I'm telling you, it is the same thing. Love does not require surrender of the self to it, and it is not loving surrender if you have to abdicate yourself. Every time you say you are sacrificing yourself in the name of love, you are surrendering to guilt or to Lucifer. Every time you see selfishness taking cruel advantage in those you see as not sacrificing or surrendering themselves in the name of love, you are seeing the reflection of what you think it would be like without the guilt that tells you you must sacrifice yourself to others. You do not see what i could really be like. Hitler is a good example of this. I had the guilt and he had the denied guilt.

What needs to be seen about denial is that it kills love. Anyone you allow near you who made you feel like you must deny your Will in their presence has embraced this aspect of Lucifer and has the same thing in mind. They will act like they are more powerful than you because they do not indulge in Will's emotions, but they are feeding on the denial of your emotions.They are vampires who are sucking the life blood from you while pretending they are only loving, more loving than you in fact.

I did not have the loving relationships with the Angels I had been wanting to think I had; I could see that now. I had allowed the Angels to attach themselves to Me, thinking it was an attachment of

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here is right, why shouldn't I have to make a big display to let you know, and to let you know that you are loved and wanted? Why shouldn't I have to admit publicly that you had cause to be as you were and behave as you did?

I am; and because I am, there are also some things I want to get from you in return.[??????]

Because My Light was not there for you in the beginning, you have forever thought I must move first to make this up to you , and go to great lengths to prove that My Love is there for you before you are going to move in response to Me. I have seen that holding this position insures that no matter what lengths I go to, I will, in your eyes, always fall short, because you cannot see what lengths I go to if you do not move your position enough to widen your view. I am not asking you to give up your viewpoint in favor of Mine. Allowing movement in your position involves allowing yourself to consider that your viewpoint may not be the altogether correct and full overview that is necessary for full understanding. In other words, you need to broaden your horizons by moving your emotions to make room for more information.

I intend to let the entire truth be known, not just the parts that make Me look good according to some image that has been held of Me. I do not intend to include only the parts that make you look bad so that I look good, either. I want to heal this, all of it, and I will know it is healing when you can come to Me and tell Me the things I am waiting to hear. I will help you to move all of this as much as I can, but I cannot feed you the words I am longing to hear, or tell you what emotional tone I need to feel. To receive what We need from one another, We must know that it's real.

Heart still has to be born in the gap. It was a loveless birth that brought forth the form you know as you. You've been trying to live without love and it has been Hell for you.

Like seeds seeking life, you reached for the Light only to find it wasn't there for you. You opened in darkness instead. Others of you found light that did not feel good. Your fetal distress was so terrible you died before you were born. And even though you were shaken and suctioned, pounded and beaten until they sometimes resuscitated the form they called you, your spirit had already abandoned you for dead and was hovering above, not wanting to have to feel what had happened to you. This is the source of a great rage and terror in you, a rage and terror that you have never dared to move because this gap with your spirit left you prey to Lucifer.

And all this time, you have tried to live with that uncomforted,

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choked and stillborn, dead baby hidden inside of you. And in all of this time, you have never wanted to move in any way that might remind you of that terrible experience that happened first, before you knew it could be any other way.

Life has been Hell for you because you have never been born into a place that could receive you with the Light of Love. And in Hell, you have dared not let it be known or shown that you have a stillborn infant concealed within you because there would be only the vultures and monsters of Hell there wanting to eat it. To protect it, you have had to wrap this infant in dark swaddling clothes and thrust it deep within you to hide it, and present yourself as hard and cold, like stone; unmoving and unresponsive no matter what happens. Whenever you have tried to let this infant be born in the Hell you're in, it has been stillborn, ill-conceived, outside of love, with no place to receive it, to claim it, to hold it and nurture it.

You decided you never wanted to move again in any way that might repeat this terribly painful original move, but you still know the presence of this dark and hidden unborn infant Heart of the gap as something that hasn't moved in you in so long you have almost forgotten it's there. But sometimes it appears as an image in your mind, or as a vague feeling you can't quite feel, or as a fantasy never fulfilled of how you long to love and be loved in return, or maybe an image of arms lovingly lifting and holding you. Whatever it is, it's vague and hasn't been encouraged to surface for light and air in you because reality for you has been a place that is cold, dark and cruel, a loveless place of frozen death that is overwhelming to you, and something in you knows that the unborn infant Heart of the gap cannot survive in this.

And yet, this unborn infant Heart of the gap needs to be born into love that will nurture it and allow it to grow. But how, when it has no other parent you know of other than you who is trapped in a Hell where you already know it can't survive? It's only hope right now is you. What can you do, especially when it won't even really come up in you?

You need to give in to the pain in you that needs and wants the love and nurturing that was never given to you. You need to start, for now, with you nurturing you and through opening to this acceptance for yourself in you, you will make a place for My Light to come into you in a way I have never before been able to reach into you. And this time, instead of a smack you will find that I have a loving touch for you.

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love, but it now felt more like I had been vampirized. These Angels had claimed they had no attachment to Me other than love that wanted to be near Me, but what they really wanted was an unmitigated flow of Light with unconditional access to and control of the Source that was generating It.

I saw then that under the guise of serving Me, learning from Me and surrounding Me with loving companionship, the Angels had been imprisoning Me and feeding off of Me as surely as any leader has ever been imprisoned and devoured by his staff. I already knew I could not move around as freely as I used to because they were always in the way, but I now allowed Myself to also notice the many ways they had been making Me a prisoner in their midst so they could force Me to generate Light on their terms.

No matter how I looked at it, any attempt to throw them off was going to mean backlash on their part. Lack of attachment did not include letting go of My Light anywhere near as easily as they thought the Mother should have been able to do it. What I did see though, was that attachment for them meant attachment to whatever Light had the greatest power, and this is how the Angels gave Me My opportunity. Throwing these Angels toward Lucifer gave him the same problem it had always given Me. Although he lost no time in thrusting them off of him, it gave Me just the lead I needed to get home before he could beat Me there.

When I jumped for the Godhead I did it with intent to get there before Lucifer, and also with the intent to regain My place before I became trapped out in maniestation with Lucifer or one of the Angels in My place. My anger came forth in a state of denial when I shoved the Angels toward Lucifer and also when I smacked Lucifer.

The guilt in this has always allowed Lucifer and the rest of the Angels involved to say that I did not mean to do it and that I was wrong to do it. The Angels involved with Lucifer have always maintained that I was not being fair to them when I pushed them toward him. I have allowed these Angels to come near Me many times to see if there was going to be any change in their hearts toward love or not.

I would like to say now that you have always come pompastically (sic) speaking Lucifer teachings, as though My Light needed to embrace them and you were going to become very empowered by teaching Me. If you could teach Me, then you were superior to Me in understanding. This was a guilt reflection for Me that said I was not right as God to act like I had all of the answers and to listen to no one but Myself. Of course, guilt, at other times, also said I was
[June 24, 2012 below this passage I wrote the date 2/3/92]

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not right to be God if I did not have all of the answers.

When I saw that I had no place to go in the face of a guilt reflection that claimed I had no openness to receive it while it had no openness to receive Me, I decided to say nothing, which made Me feel even more impotent because it was another kind of trap in which I appeared to be more aligned with you than I really was. When I had almost no response to give, you all thought I was taking you in and coming around to your point of view. You have always taken silence for acquiescence.

I allowed Myself almost no response to you because I wanted to see what you were really about without giving you anything more you could twist around and use against Me. I did learn from you; in this you were correct. But while you were concluding that I was learning from you and aligning with you, I was learning that just as surely as we have lost Will, you are lost Light. I also learned that just as surely as lost Will is not so easily recovered, you will not be either. I learned that just as surely as lost Will cannot be near Me in a state of denial of My Light, you cannot be near Me in a state of denial of My Light either. While you were concluding that I was taking you in, I was concluding I didn't want you near Me.

The more I listened to you, the more sure I became that you had taking My place in mind rather than admitting in any way that you were learning from Me or following Me. Guilt caused Me to listen to you longer than I would have otherwise, but this was what I needed to be certain.

The more I have listened to you, the more certain I have become. In all of this time, you have never done anything to make Me feel that I was wrong here. It does not feel like you are going to do a sudden turn around now and embrace your Wills after all of this time. It is not possible anyhow. All that is really necessary here is for the ones who have held you present all of this time because of their guilt, fear and confusion about what God is, to let you go and you will be gone.

You are not going to embrace your Wills now, and you have so many reasons why, I will not list them. You have a reason for everything you do, and your reasons are all to gain power and to bring a better return to yourselves. You are the sort who cannot even give a person a pencil that would be right for the job being done because your reversals against the Will are so progressed that you must not only sell the pencil, you must make sure it has the softest lead possible so another pencil will have to be bought sooner. The more the person needs the pencil, the higher the price is going to be. If you ever give anything, there are strings attached.

p. 68

You need to give up and give in, not to the outer reflection that is pressuring you to feel like you have to fight all the time, but to the inner exhaustion and neediness you've been fighting against in you. And in so doing, allow yourself to find out it is not "the end" as you always thought surrender would be.

Surrender has been talked about in many spiritual teachings, but no matter what interpretation has been given to that, I am not talking about surrendering your Will. I am talking about surrendering to your Will and letting it express as it needs to. This can be a frightening concept when your mind has been in control for so long, but I do not mean becoming mindless and letting unevolved emotion run your life, I mean allowing your emotions direct expression as much as possible, in a safe place, until you know them and see how they fit into your life. By direct expression I mean as free of words as possible and as free of acting out as possible; just moan and wail and sob and scream and tremble and vibrate with the feelings in the way they want to express themselves in you.

I feel like I cannot go over this enough. Even though you were born at this level of expression, you did not get any farther with it than the gap let you get originally , and you received, very early in life, all of the judgments against this form of expression that you hold against your own Wills. If you make an effort to let this move, I will help you as much as I can. What you have to move here is the hardest to move of the lost Will which is why it has taken so long to get to it. You need to know there is reason to move this because feeling it without healing it is too unpleasant to feel like you want to do it.

If you don't already know you have the feelings I am talking about, then you need to look at guilt, pride and shame. They are what is keeping you from feeling what you really feel. The pressure you have had to exert on yourself to keep the lid on what you are holding has been immense. Where you've pressured yourself, you've made yourself hard and dense You believed making yourself dense was what made you strong and was your best defense. You equated softness with vulnerability; it never looked like a power position to you and power is all you ever knew as the position that could give you a chance to survive.

Love never formed where you were born and lost Will never knew what the power of love could do, except as something in reversal against you. Your only experience of love has been that of having it used against you. Feeling love makes you vulnerable

p. 69

when there are so many seeking power over you who will harm what you love, or kill if they must, as a way to break you. This has happened so many times that you dare not show any love which might have survived in you. You have had to thrust it deep down inside of you and hide it for fear that it will be taken away. For you, loving anything has been like giving it the kiss of death because it has always been the bait that lures the opposition to use what you love to get power over you. When it's like this, love is sure to hurt and what's even more terrible is when they make what you love hurt even worse than you. They might as well twist a double-edged knife in you, which, by the way, they often do if that's what it takes to have power over you. Because of this, you're sure feeling love is a curse, a liability, a vulnerability and even worse. No matter what you ever have or haven't done, you always feel wrong and like you're the one that has caused this. Letting others have power over you is all you have ever been able to see you could do to get them to say they would stop harming and killing what matters to you, but this never works. By the time they stop, what you love is already broken or dead and so are you.

You're full of rage but you don't want to show it because you feel so impotent. You shove it down and pretend you don't care, but you know it's there because it makes you feel like "trust me" is the worst thing anyone can ever say to you when you already know that as soon as they find out what is hidden inside of you, they are going to take it away and use it against you. No wonder distrust and power are the only allies you have ever thought could be trusted by you.

Even so, no matter how careful and guarded you are, you're never careful or guarded enough. No matter how much power you gain, they always take more, and no matter what you do, they always get to you. It's as though the opposition already knows what you try to keep hidden in you. It's uncanny how attuned they are to you.

Whatever it is, it's always the gap that uses your love as a way to hurt and manipulate you. All hiding your love has ever done for you is make you an even more isolated and lonely you, trying to tell yourself that at least you have nothing they can use to manipulate you. You're lonely, but at least you feel less responsible for giving the kiss of death with your love, and you hope this lessens their satisfaction because they won't know how to get to you.

But don't you think they already know, in spite of whatever you've done to hide this in you? There's no place you can go and