2010 - page 54 ["Free Will between People"]

and be able to receive My Light.
Instead of judging Me,
accept Me as the kind of Creator
who cares about what He has created
and accept that My Loving Light is willing to help you.
Tell Me, out loud,
what your intent is currently
and communicate with Me frequently.
Whenever you are moving your emotions
and/or recognizing and releasing judgments,
ask My Loving Light to come into these places
where you held yourself apart from Me before.
Ask for My help as often as you need to,
but do not expect Me to do it for you
because you need to take responsibilityi for yourself now.

[end of this chapter in the 2010 version]

2010 - page 59 ["Denials shared by Many"]

that they knew better than Me and were going to show Me
that these Spirits could change.
This was also a denial of the alignment of form and essence.
These Spirits have been creating death all around them,
and expansive Spirits have been denying this
and trying to take them off their Destiny Path in My Name
and in the name of My Love.
This is not accepting these Spirits for what they are and for what they need.


Denial of expansion has been increasng since it originated,
and yet, these denials have been representing themselves as expansion.
This is, however, expansion of compression and denial.
The form these thing have been taking
is the outer shape of the inner essence.
The problem has been that these two realities,
that of loving essnce that seeks expansion of love, light and life
and that which denies loving essence and seeks coompression and death should not be mixed together.
It has been because this lesson needed to be learned.
That time is over.
Right place is going to sort this out now.
The experience necessary to be able to accept this from Me
has taken place on Earth.
Death is unconditional denial of Me.
It belongs outside of Me,
and has a place you will understand as you are able.
An understanding of unconditional acceptance is also needed here.
For now, you need only accept this reality's right to be.
This does not mean that you are to accept this reality into yourself
and embrace death and denial in any form
unless you truly do not want life.


The Will is meant to guide you to your right place
and will do so if allowed to.
This is the way in which you can have the freedom to have experience
without destroying yourself.
Do not think of this as mostly an outer reality.
The Spirits who fell to Earth
have been mixed in with this essence that denies life,
not only outwardly, but also, within themselves.
Recovery of free Will on Earth
has been stopped each time by lack of understanding
about how to sort this out
and by not understanding the need to do it.
The time has come to open to Me here,
let yourself learn to feel this denial for what it is,
and let it go.
More understanding is needed,
and this process can bring it to you as you are ready.
This denial of My Loving Light cannot leave on its own.
It needs My help to go to its right place.
These denial spirits have been trying to kill loving essence
because they have to get away from it somehow,
and because of the confusions I have been describing here,
loving essence has not been letting it go.
This situation cannot change for you until you accept it for what it is.

2010 - page 61 ["Denials shared by Many"]

in an effort to help them become loving and whatever else you denied there.


Death does not feel at all good to the Spirits who seek life,
and yet, you all embraced it and tried to make yourselves accept it.
The understanding you need now is that all denial that is not seeking life
must go outside of Me.
You must separate this reality out of yourself,
and let it find its right place
by learning to discern between denied loving essence and unlovingness,
and unconditonally releasing everything that creates death,
be it ever so slight an an involvement.
You need to do this in a way that denies nothing at all in yourself,
at the time that is right for you and in the way that feels right to you.
In other words, separating death out of your energy field
needs to feel good and not like more self-denial.


Even if these understandings seem overwhelming to you at first,
they will become clear in time.
Release of these deep denials is not an easy thing to do,
and yet, it must be done.
The realities needed to show these denials for what they are
have been intensifying on Earth,
and letting your Will respond emotionally to what is happening
can help you recognize and clear your own denials if you let it.
Death is not meant to prevail in My Creation,
and yes, I am everything and everywhere,
even though you may not fully understand what I am sayng here.


Originally, many created Spirits tried to force themselves
to experience every place because I did,
whether they were desirous of it or not.
Although the reality of these denial Spirits
felt terrible to the Spirits of loving essence,
and they had to use force on themselves to experience it,
they judged against their own Wills by saying
that it was not the reality of these denial Spirits that was terrible for them,
but that their own Wills were terrible for feeling this way.
When the Will was reacting emotionally to these denials,
many Sirits who thought the Will was in opposition to the Spirit,
thought that the Will itself was this denial.
Many also judged
that their Wills werre actually drawing, or creating, the death
that they were taking in from these denial Spirits.
They made their Wills hold this,
because they wouldn't accept or allow the emotional expression
needed to release it.

The Will of a loving Spirit does not create death.
If it is experiencing death, it has taken this in through denial,
in some form or another,
and must reverse this in itself to escape death.

[end of this chapter in the 2010 version - the chapter that follows in the 2010 version is: "Twist and Turns on Judgments"]

Higher purpose is a stream of energy you join
when you create something
that serves mankind or your own spiritual *) evolution.
without higher purpose you are a wanderer, roaming around,
taking various paths with many potential wrong turns and lost time.
With higher purpose, you can choose every moment,
knowing what to do with the hour, the day, and the week.**)
It allows you to grow and evolve rapidly in this lifetime

Everyone on earth has a higher purpose.
You came to earth to be a part of a system of energy
that deals with emotions, personality, and thoughts,
that involves seeing
what is inside of you reflected in the outside world.
You did this so you could create
and see around you who you are. ***)

There are other universes
in which forms come and go more quickly;
almost the minute they are thought of,
they appear and disappear.

p. 176
Things move more slowly here.
You slowed down
so you can focus on certain things.
You segmented yourself into a certain time frame called birth to death,
and are working on specific energies.
... the wave of the note is very long, so that you can experience matter.
From that perspective,
you want to evolve upward to the highest frequency of this note,
so you may go on to other places where the rules change.
There are places where you are more a pure energy being,
unbound by the concrete world of time, space and matter.


Here your thoughts create and become reality;
it could be said yours is a world of frozen thought.
It takes longer to create form
und for some of you, even longer to let it go.
Because time on this plane is slow,
you must practice economy of energy,
and that is one of the reasons
it may seem to take so long to create what you want.


... the more you have a purpose
[...like compacting time, speeding up ... evolution.. and raising your vibration]
the faster you can go higher...

The new home, the finished book is not the goal of growth.
But the process by which you create these things and the growth it gives you -
the new skills you acquire, the insights, the opening of your heart
[end of paper clip]

Feel yourself and be fulfilled
by feeling-healing all you feel
wombing first, evolving then

Breathing, moving, sounding
releasing judgments and beliefs
vibrating all in your body's heart

I'll be whole, be who I am
learn and create as I please
that's how the One grows and evolves
till equal peers shall each other love.

Let ourselves feel and be full-filled.

Nourishment: Only through your Creations will you know yourself

"This dawned on me the very first time in 1982,
when I read the book "The Centre of the Cyclone"
An Autobiography of Inner Space by John C. Lilly, 1972
The book's last sentence is:
"The miracle is that the universe created a part of itself
to study the rest of it,
that this part, in studying itself,
finds the rest of the universe in its own natural inner realities."
[Nov. 30, 2011: I understand this better and better
the more I re-study the violet and the purple RUOW book called "Original Cause"!!]

2010-page 69b ["Acceptance"]

Form has been expressing imbalance
because it expresses essence,
and the essence of Spirit and Will have not been balancing in the Heart.
Denial of the Spirit has caused many people
to let judgments, and programming in their minds, run them.
Denial of the Will has reinforcd this,
not only because the contributions of the Will cannot, then,
participate in the mind's decisions,
but also because the Spirit cannot be fully present if the Will is denied.
Magnetic energy
draws Spiritual energy into manifestation and holds it there.
When the Will is denied,
the Spirit is equally denied its full presence in manifestation.


The Will must open the space to receive the Spirit.
To do this,
the Will must feel from the Spirit unconditional, loving acceptance
that allows it to freely vibrate.
The essence of the Will wants to receive the Loving Light of Spirit.
The Will must be allowed to express anything it needs to express
in the process of manifesting

understandings needed.
Experience is meant to teach and evolve,
and repeated experience is only meant to go on as long as needed.
When understanding comes,
the repetition is no longer necessary and you are free to move on.


Most people that are saying they have acceptance for their karma
are saying this, but are not really looking at it.
This approach to karma can be likened to taking a beating
because you feel you must deserve it or it wouldn't be going on,
so you crouch in a corner, shield yourself as best you can and allow it. Full understanding is not there.
This has to be looked at more completely and without the assumption that because it's being allowed,
there is acceptance and surrender.


You need complete acceptance of yourself first
and then you can decide what you want to accept into your reality.
The beaten-dog image of surrender to God
is not an accurate understanding of Me.
The image that joy can befound this way if you just surrender more
is not accurate either.
Holding an image of what you think is the correct Spirual attitude,
rather than seeing what is really happening,
holds true understanding away.
The real truth for you
is going to come from true self-acceptance and no place else.
If true feelings do not want to accept a beating,
allow them to take action to stop it.


Trying to make themselves accept something
when the Will did not feel good about it
is just what happened
when some Spirits became trapped on Earth in forms they didn't like. Angry Spirits judged their Wills
and the feeling of being judged as well as being trapped
really opened the door to panic.
The panic was overwhelming and was not fully released at the time because the lack of acceptance would not allow it.
It needs to be accepted now.

People on Earth have been trying to accept reality as it is,
but if they would really feel their feelings
they would have to say they do not like it much.
The pain of the Will at being trapped by its own inexperience
needs comforting,
and not more judgment, rejecton, avoidance and denial.

Panic, deep fear and even terror are held undercurrent in most people and can be felt if the depth of the true feelings is felt.
If you are starting to feel it now, stop reading and let it be felt;
express and release everything you can.
Open to letting any

further waves of it find release too.
These old feelings are the feelings of being trapped with no way out. They need release.


When you have released the feelings that you have no way out,
you will have made an opening to find one.
The feeling of being powerless to help yourself
does not allow you to help yourself.
There is good reason to have these feelings too.
The situation on Earth has been worsening and worsening
because so many have been holding feelng
that they cannot do anything about it.
Many have been saying, "It's just Karma,"
and have been trying to make themselves accept it.
That is not true understanding.

As long as you believe you must accept something
whether you like it or not,
you are overriding your own Free will [sic].
If you are doing this to yourself,
you are opening the door for others to do it to you.
This has been happening for a long time
and is heavily powered by many misunderstandings and denials.
These denials and misunderstandings
imprison the very emotional response
that could change things for the better.


The situation on Earth is very perilous and needs immediate reversal.
It is actually to this point :
those holding terror and panic, denied and not being allowed release, need to recognize the fact that they are as though against the wall
and, if they choose to live,
they must break out of their predicament somehow.
Fear, terror, panic, anger and rage have the power to reverse this
if they are accepted and allowed expression.

The feelings are divinely attuned,
the Will is attuned to the Destiny Path
and is willing to undergo whatever is necessary
to speed its recovery and seek the fulfillment of its Destiny Path.
The Spirits of Loving Essence on Earth
that are saying that they have no resistance to what is happening,
and know that it's all fine and there is nothing they need to do about it, are disconnected from major parts of themselves.


If you connect to these feelings,
and feel overwhelmed and out of control
and even express fear, panic and terror all at once,
it is still better than any other option you have.
The acceptance and expression of true feelings
will allow the energies perpetuating the situation
to move and change.

[end of the 1984 version of this chapter]

1984-page 68 ["Turns and Twists on Judgments"]

Many people make judgments without realizing it.
These judgments are thought to be the answer,
but these judgments twist the truth.
Sometimes the truth is twisted
because the people involved don't understand the truth
and so twist it without realizing it.
Sometimes the truth is twisted
because the ones doing it have intent to twist the truth.
Many people have accused Me of judging
when they themselves were doing it
and in this way have twisted the truth.


The way to understand the difference between a judgment and the truth is this:
the Will must feel the truth for you.
There is no way I can or want to delineate for you
the truth of every situation you might ever meet.
I have instead given you your own Will
and your Will is going to evolve if you accept it.
The Will is meant to feel the situation
and give these feelings to the Spirit.
The Spirit then, in fact, is not meant to dismiss these feelings.
The Spirit is meant to accept these feelings
and seek to understand why the Will feels the way it feels.
When feelings seem to judge,
you can be sure that they have been told in the past
not to respond the way they naturally would,
but to respond according to the ways that the Spirit will accept.
In these cases, the Will is holding old emotion
that should have been released in the past and now needs release before natural feelings can be experienced.
By holding the old emotion
and allowing the Will only conditional expression,
the true feelings are not accepted
and a false Will is created which is then accepted instead.
When true feelings are not accepted, the truth cannot be determined because the Will is already being pressured to give false information.

I will now point out some examples of twists and turns on judgments
so that you can understand what I mean.
The twists and turns on judgments are extensive on Earth at present, even to the point of claiming that no judgments are being made.
I can see, however, that nearly everyone on Earth is holding judgments.


For example in both primitive and technologically oriented societies belief systems have judgments imbedded (sic) in them.

Table of Contents


THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
    I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BBEN MADE.......... 143
  [includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SAPCE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

p. 1

THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE

Because you have read The Reflection Lost Will Has to Give does not mean you understand it. You have a long way to go in understanding The Reflection Lost Will Has to Give, but the more you look at it, the more you will see, and if you give in to the emotional movement you need, you will learn to understand it. There is no way you can understand this material mentally unless you allow the emotional movement you need. It is impossible. You have to go through the emotional body to understand what is being spoken to you here.

If you do not think these books mean anything, you can be sure your emotional body is heavily denied. If you have an instant rapport with these books and feel you undersand them, I also want to tell you: You do not understand them as deeply as you need to. Most of what has been given in Original Cause, so far, has been toward the purpose of reawakening you to your judgment patterns. These judgment patterns are old judgment patterns; so old that they are your Original Cause. What you hold as your most treasured beliefs are not understandings; they are judgments made in advance of understanding your experience.

The more you have looked around you and thought your judgment patterns, or attempts to make sense of things, did make sense, the more you have lived within the reality created by your judgments, until now, there is so little vibration left in you, it is as though you are unconscious and almost totally unable to remember anything other than the way it is now. Most of you cannot even clearly remember yesterday or last month, let alone the origins of

p. 2

ready excuse designed to sway Me to your point of view because that's the only view you want taken of you.

I want you to stop playing games with Me. If you are going to come this close to Me, then I want you to acknowledge why you are here. If you want to be allowed to peer [sic] at Me, than I want you to overtly agree that I am also allowed to see you. no more holding a rigid image of Me that requires Me to know everything about you and acknowledge all that I see while you do not move to show your innerselves to Me, but play, instead, at being outraged that I have peered uninvited into you. It puts a tremendous strain on Me to have you deny Me and yet still require Me to know all there is to know about you. I'm supposed to be real with you while you are not being real with Me. Then, when I move like I know you as well as I do and as you expect Me to, you say I haven't seen you clearly, accurately, or haven't got the right picture of you because it's not the way you want Me to see you.

You clam I have judged you when I look into you while you still want to give Me nothing but your defense and your projected persona, which gives the impression you are trying to hold Me out of you while insisting you want Me to come into you to prove I am there for you. This game I call, "Prove You are God and prove You love me no matter how I act toward You," but, by the way, I can never prove Myself to you because your game doesn't allow Me to.

I'm tired of having you act like My Light is somehow invasive of you unless you completely control it, because you don't want to see in yourself what I have seen in you. Facing your own reflection and taking responsibility for it is what I am asking you to do. If you are not ready for it, you cannot stay near Me. You will have to move back with the others who don't want to see or hear anything other than what they already know, and wait until you are ready before you go into the pictures of you I am giving now.

If you do not want to move as quickly as I am moving here, acknowledge it before you get hurt, and allow yourself to move to the place that is moving at the speed that you want to go, a speed that feels neither too fast nor too slow. The speed of vibration that feels good to you is your right place, no matter how fast or slow you have chosen to go. This is not a contest of speed; it is learning to arrange your life so that it feels as good as it can.The best way to do this is to know how you really feel.

The next thing I'm going to say is based on something I feel about you and if it is true, I want you to acknowledge it to Me. I feel like you're here because no matter what your problems may be in

p.3

reading these books or in moving the way that I say, you are seeking a truth that you sense has never been told to you, a truth that has been somehow lost or hidden behind some long ago locked and forbidden door, some truth that will be just what you've always been waiting for, some truth that shall prove to be just what you've always been looking for, yet, you can't quite speak of what it is or reach your hands out to open the door, because you're afraid of what you are looking for. You're afraid the truth is either not going to be what you want it to be, not what you to hear or what you want to see, or that what you're looking for never was, couldn't be or isn't anymore.

Then , also, you've always been told from times of old that the forbidden and forbidding door had to be opened to you by another, that it wasn't there for you to try to discover or open on your own. And you've also been told that what lies within is not for you to behold unless you ready yourselves in some way of which you're not sure, even if you hear it said that you've been told and told before. All you have, really, are scattered myths, interpreted wrongly by many, pieces of stories about old and sunken lands and places that some are now saying were all destroyed by spaceships they talk to, but who never land and rescue you as they say they can. There are stories of old and long time past, and promises for the future both bright and bold, but no prophecies ever foretold seem to come to pass in your lifetime; nothing real you can hold onto to make sure you're not crazy; just some shred you cling to, about facing your own reflection and maybe that will teach you something you don't already know to liberate you from this feeling of being lost. Although you have no real idea of what it is, it has something to do with how often you go to the mirror, look at your presentation face, smile, and reassure yourself you're alright as you are.

If I'm going to allow you to come this close to Me, you must allow yourselves to acknowledge how it feels to see what you are being allowed to see in Me, and you must also acknowledge how it feels to allow yourselves to be seen by Me. I'm not going to guess anymore about how you feel, or make explanations or excuses for you anymore. Instead, I'm asking you to be more real with Me in exchange for Me being real with you. I no longer want to risk the imbalance of presenting how I really feel in the presence of you who still want to present an externalized view that does not present the real inner you. I am going to give you what I really feel based, not on what I might know of you, but on what I have to

p.4

stood for what they really were and still are. I wil be expanding on this as We move along.

Hitler was a mammoth guilt reflection for Me that caused reversals in the lives of many people who could not understand the guilt they had that drew this into their lives. Understand, Hitler was not My Light, He was My light in a state of denial. Hitler was a guilt reflection, but he was not the guilt. What I denied here, because I felt guilty about having it, went out reflecting what I feared it was and what I had judged it to be. This does not let you know what it really was, but what Hitler was reflecting is a good starting place because that is the reality that was experienced around Hitler.

I hated Myself so much in the denials Hitler held, that Hitler was hatred manifest. Hitler was also empowered by many who hated their rage as I did Mine. I had gapped Myself from this rage so seriously that for a long time, I did not recognize it as Myself. I saw only the part of Me that was horrified at what Hitler was doing and in this part of Me, I did not know how I had created Hitler and others like him. For a long time, I said I had not done it because I had a devil in My Creation who had done it.

I lost control of Hitler in My terror of gapped rage. The denied rage manifested in Hitler, and the denied terror manifested in his victims. These emotions tried to come forward during the emergence of the Rainbow Spirits and were pushed into a state of denial by the part of Ourselves that was fighting things down. We already had the Father Warriors within Us, acting as police and military keeping down what We found to be so unacceptable in Ourselves We did not want to allow any hole through which it could creep out. Of course, it did anyway.

The Rainbow Spirits [mostly incarnated as Jews] have involvement with Us here and We are all still having the fight in Red in the Middle East. It is not a good sign that, even now, what is happening in the Middle East is being so misunderstood and ill-received, because the denials involved are not being seen for what they are. Openness has not been allowed here, and by now, the guilt is immense that says openness cannot be allowed around the feelings that are involved here, and yet openness must come in here or the lost Will in the Survival Chakra is not going to live long enough to help Us live.

What did not manifest in the massive enactment Hitler kingpinned (sic) was his terror and the rage in his victims. These were even more seriously denied than what manifested around Hitler already in a state of denial. These deeper denials are moving now, and the hatred, ultimately to be seen as self-hatred, is immense. The hatred still being held in a state of denial is so immense that all the hatred

p.5

felt at the time of Hitler was ony just enough to relieve some of the presure on the rest of what is held in a state of denial.

I have to tell you more about the fight in Red and its far reaching implications as we go along. I hated the Mother and the Father of Manifestation for tumbling out of control across the Heavens, manifesting helter-skelter in what looked to Me like a frenzy of orgasmic insanity that would not stop. As far as I was concerned, They had ruined any chance of having balance in Creation or of having Heart presence manifest in the Rainbow Spirits.

I hated the Rainbow Spirits for allowing themselves to emerge here when they knew they didn't have the balance necessary. It looked like mayhem to Me and I felt trapped in it because I felt I had no choice but to throw My Light in after the Mother and the Father of Manifestation when I found I could not stop Them. I felt They had rushed ahead of Me and manifested half the Rainbow Spirits before I even caught up with Them. It seemed to Me They did not want to let Me catch up because They did not like the position I wanted to take and didn't want to hear what I had to say about it.

When I did catch up with Them in Red, I was so furious I wanted to kill Everybody involved and I was made even more furious by Their lack of receptivity to Me here. They were either openly defiant or acting like They didn't, couldn't or wouldn't receive Me. I didn't move My rage here or I might have killed Them all. Instead, I fought it down and shoved it into a state of denial, trying to approach Them in a civil manner because I thought I would stand a better chance of getting through to Them that way. I have allowed Myself to move My rage now and I see that I could have killed Them then, so it was not wrong that I denied it until I had greater understanding in which to let it up, but by the time I got these understandings, the path of destruction these denials took had almost cost Us Creation and the Spirits' feeling of desire to live in it.

I hated My rage so much I allowed only My insecurities to manifest in the demeanor of asking Everyone to please receive Me here. Given the rage these same fears and insecurities were pushing back, I also lost control and hit the Father of Manifestation several times. Nonetheless, I manifested only what I had acceptance for around the issues themselves. In everyplace else, My denials took hold.

I wanted to thrash the Father of Manifestation so thoroughly, and the Mother too, that They might not have lived through it. I didn't know who I hated more, the Father of Manifestation for

p.4

respond to in you, which is what You choose to show Me.

You have internalized your Will and externalized your presentation, with such a gap in between for so long, that I know this is not going to be easy for you, but I cannot go on anymore allowing you to continue judging what you see of Me when you don't even understand what I'm doing things for. Instead of bearing that anymore, I'm going to have you move back.

I'm going to say, what I feel, and if you don't like it, it's your job to move back. So, all of you who aren't ready to move feelings you haven't moved before, and more real feelings than you have ever moved before, need to feel this about yourselves and move back without reading on anymore until you feel ready.

You have a lot of ground to cover, so I am going to move along rather quickly. If you cannot move as quickly it is up to you to move back when you need to. Do not keep reading past the little glimmers of emotion that may be the only tenuous thread you have left that connects you to the denied and lost Will you need to find.

I am asking you to respect My efforts enough to take the time to go into the things I am able to stir in you, instead of reading along like you're just reading a little story, while still judging Me wrong as though you know. Will movement is more important than any other avenue you could take or any words you could speak about what you intend to do.

Take this action as a way of ceasing your, so far, endless circling around Me like so many buzzards looking for any weakness or discrepancy in Me. This circling around, you claim, is your process of evaluating Me to see if you can trust Me enough to risk moving along with Me. Aside from the fact that you cannot figure this out mentally, what you're doing feels more vampirish and vulturous than that to Me. It feels like you are looking for some gap or lack in Me where you can claim you are one up on Me.

It feels like you are trying to see who knows more, you or Me, and in the process, you might learn a little more from Me and then claim you already knew it. While you're playing this game with Me, you claim to be just waiting for what My latest Word shall be. In case I could really be worthy of being your latest guru, you're waiting for what My next Word shall be, waiting to be told just who you are and what you should do.

But it doesn't matter what We have ever said to you. There has always been something lacking for you, something more that We should say or do. You always feel the need for just a little more;

p. 5

some further explanation, some process or exercise, some method to explore before you can understand, apply or trust what We're telling you. No matter how much you have given up your Willl, or what you have called Will, and served, you're never quite sure what you're doing it for, having never experienced what you're looking for. And whenever your latest guru has fallen short of doing it for you, you have moved on to the next guru, hoping he'll do more, because after all, what are gurus for?

I have been watching you do this for ever so long without understanding what you are doing it for. Moving from one guru to the next, you all move in a clump embracing whatever religious views are, somehow, in with your "set"; sometimes appearing like nothing more that [than?] one great and insatiable carnivore; so many mouths with grinning teeth, so many beseeching eyes that speak of a hunger that knows no relief, so many outstretched arms ready to grab a piece of any guru that comes within reach.

Sometimes angry with you, sometimes annoyed, sometimes forlorn and nearly crazy, My Light has tried to help you for so very long; tried and tried to help you without making you lazy. But in the end, it has done no good. You've repeatedly judged every guru crazy and remained just as lazy as you were before.

Now your problem is Original Cause. You think you like Right Use of Will, at least the concepts are mentally entertaining, but you don't see how Original Cause could really be true given the God you have always thought you knew. It must need more explaining. How could these words be spoken by the God you always thought you knew? He would speak so calmly. He would only reassure you.

Or is it the Mother speaking so softly and reassurngly to you? After all, mothers don't rage, only fathers do. And whatever happened to the Old Testament God who used to rage and rain down punishment on you? Is He another old guru you judged to be crazy and left behind when He no longer suited you? Could He be the same one speaking now to you? Could that God be Me after having passed through a long period of trying to get love across to you?

I've tried every way that I know, but nothing is going to work for you unless you get moving what is not moving in you. You don't know who is speaking to you and you don't know if these books are true. That's part of your problem. It's nothing new and something you can't resolve if you don't get moving what is not moving in you.

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taking this sex action with the Mother or the Mother for drawing His desire out into the biggest erection I had ever seen. He was shaking like it had taken over Him, jerking spasmodically and dripping. She was licking it acting like She was drinking from a fountain.

I was horrified and at the same time more excited than I had ever been. I hated the horror but not as much as I feared the excitement and what it meant. It was so bestial and lustful, carnal and thirsty. It was like insatiable lust to have orgasms so intense I cannot describe them to you even now, only to awaken and find Them already at it again.

What I can tell you now is that the Mother and the Father of Manifestation were working Themselves into frenzies of motion which made Me unsure as to whether They were fighting or making love. I could not tell if the Mother wanted to have sex on these terms or if the Father of Manifestation was forcing this on Her by overpowering Her. She was screaming for help from My Light but I could not get in there enough to help Her, and each time I tried, the Father of Manifestation pushed Me back.

He appeared to be suffocating the Mother and holding Her down in positions that were not allowing Her to move. She seemed to be fighting Him with everything She had, which was not much strength compared to His, and yet, moving in ways that were causing His erection to grow bigger all the time.

"I cannot allow Him to hurt Her," I thought, but yet, I did not move to save Her either. They were snorting and growling and making noises I cannot describe. Every little while, Their frenzies went into a loss of control in spasmodic jerkings which did not calm down for quite some time and which left Them covered with a wetness I was not sure I liked.

The Mother and the Father of Manifestation had lost control of Themselves in the most bestial and carnal lust I had ever witnessed and I was not sure it was love because I already knew We had problems with the balance that would have allowed Heart's presence to be manifest. I hated the entire situation and judged against it heavily as base, carnal lust at its most depraved level. The lack of acceptance I had for it gave it a disgusting quality for Me that I find hard to move out even now and yet, I want the intensity of these feelings to come within love now.

I already had these pictures hidden in My mind, and they were out now. I didn't want to claim them. I wanted to blame them on

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someone else. The Mother and the Father of Manifestation looked to Me like the perfect cause that these things had manifested. Not only Their behavior but They, Themselves, were looking bestial to Me now and I hated Them like Their fall from Spirit says I did.

The more I tried to communicate with Them in Red, the more lustfully They looked at One another, as though the more I told Them They could not allow this behavior, the more They wanted to do it. I felt furiously impotent because I could see Them looking at One another like They were going to go ahead with it and there was nothing I could do to stop Them. I wanted to beat Them furiously and cut Them up in little pieces, but I did not allow Myself to move here.

I felt like They were deliberately allowing Themselves to defy the plan Heart and I had so carefully worked out. They had not listened to it from the beginning, They had never listened to it and They weren't listening to it now. They were openly defying Me, just like everyone else who followed Their lead.

While I hated the Rainbow Spirits for allowing themselves to manifest here when they knew they didn't have the balance necessary for their own emergence. I hated them even more for pretending they did not know they had emerged, and for acting this pretense out by refusing to unfold into manifestation, as though this would allow them to avoid taking responsibility for what they had done. I hated them for refusing to unfold and receive My Light here because they didn't want to hear what I had to say about their ermergence. My rage thought it was frightening them into remaining clumped together, but no matter what tack (track?) I took they refused to receive Me. I sent Heart to them in many desperate attempts to get them to open and receive the Light they needed to have, and which was not present at their emergence, and they never opened to receive Him either.

I was furious at them for pretending in this way that they had not really emerged, and for remaining clumped together in this pretense of acting like they didn't notice Me, or anything or anyone else in manifestation. They turned a deaf ear to Me every time I tried to address them here, and I got more and more furious every time, always denying it in favor of a more "loving' aproach.

The truth of the matter was they had emerged, and they needed to face up to it or allow themselves to go back. Neither move was being made on their part because they had no Wills with which to move. It looked to Me like it was going to be up to us to move them around and I was not happy about it. I already had this situation with the Angels and that was making Me mad enough. With only

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You're giving it a try though. You've gone along with Me as far as reading these books. You're trying to make up your mind whether this could be truth or not, especially since it has appeared in such an unlikely spot, not from a guru you thought would tell you.

Problem is, you're still trying to use your minds to reach down into your feelings and see if what I say here is true or not. Problem is, your feelings cannot rise up to you and help you understand if what I have to say is really true or not because your Wills are not vibrating here. Problem is, your minds have pushed too much into your subconscious to let you see that your Original Cause is right there in front of your face. It is written all over every place that you have ever gone and all over everything you have ever done. It is written all over you and all over everything you do.

YOu are looking all over for your Original Cause when it's right there in front of you. I can't help but see it no matter how much you ave tried not to let Me see it. I can see all I need to know about you in one glance and do not need to question Myself about whether it is right or true anymore. I know without having to look any more deeply into you.

You need to move only a litle bit to see that Original Cause is repeating in your life right now, and from there you could see that your Original Cause is your original experience with Me. One big reason you're so blind and cannot see is because you have not processed your present life as thoroughly as it needs to be. There is so much there you don't yet see. The reason is, you will have to feel more to see more, and whether you let yourself know it or not, feeling more, as far as you can see, is just feeling more dark terror and misery of hidden rage that has no light. As far as you can see, your lost Will is just a dark weight pulling you down in space, a weight which your presentation face says you don't have and your presentation life says isn't real. You think the things held there are not yours and nothing you should have to feel. You try to live above this dark weight and act like it isn't there. If anyone sees it, you behave as if to say, "I don't know what that dark weight is doing there." It might as well be a shark attacking a hapless victim in the sea.

And even if you want to take My Word for it and consider that Original Cause may be true, you haven't been able to find an emergence place that seems to be quite right for you. The subject of God and sex is troublesome for you, but even if you accept that what I have said is true and I really did things that seem so

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outrageous to you, you still would not be sure where you emerged, because you have not found any orgasm that seemed to be the one for you. Although there are many varations of lovemaking not described in what I have told, the issue for you is not whether hands were more involved or not, where legs were located, or what position We were in. The issue for you, still, is feeling like you don't fit in. The issue is not being able to feel it inside yourselves the way you need to know if it's real or true.

You think you might find your place if I would only mention an orgasm where there was a wedding first and then a proper method of coupling for the purpose of bringing children into the world, but even that would still bring it down from that holy place you thought you had found, where you believed that God did not need orgasm or sex to create, but lifted all that energy, instead, to a higher place.

Even though you feel this way, many of you still will say you do not believe in Original Sin, which could just as well be called original misunderstanding or Original Cause. When you want to separate sex from My Light, it certainly appears to Me that you believe someplace within you that having sex is wrong, i.e. a sin. Otherwise, why couldn't you find a place within Me for having sex? Placing sex outside of God is placing sex outside of love, and that, by the way, is Original Sin.

You say I am Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent. Doesn't that mean I originated everything? If I originated everything, then where did sex begin?

The problem for you is that you don't want to look because you might not like what you see. The problem for you is that actually, you feel left out, but rather than feel the fear involved, you would rather say it's really the other way; sex is not a part of My Light. The problem for you is that there was no orgasm where you emerged, only ejaculation.

So, if you're skeptical instead of eager about seeing your Original Cause with Me, you need to move back not away from Me, but into the past of this life and process it until you see the patterns you need to see.

My Light is not moving now as it has in the past, but this does not mean you have understood Me, or that you have grown past your fears and buried old images of Me. You all have buried parts of you that still see Me as an intolerant and intolerably punitive God, a Father you could never please, a Father you knew in your past, a Father you could not make sense of or get through to with

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the Mother in the Will Polarity, I didn't see how she could hold open enough space.

I had had holding back in mind and allowing Creation to unfold at a leisurely pace so that We could gain the balance We needed each step of the way. The Mother had been constantly telling Me that She was feeling pressured to go faster than She felt like She could go. I thought We had an agreement that We had problems and We weren't going to create any more until We had solved the ones We already had. The Mother was always complaining about lack of balance as the cause of these problems. She talked a lot about how important balance was for Her to be able to go ahead in the faith that everything was alright.

Ha! Some balance this lusty Will of Mine was showing Me now! It was clear to Me that She was ready to throw balance away as soon as the Father of Manifestation moved Himself on any of Her erotic parts which, infuriatingly, seemed to be all of Her parts. No matter where or how He touched Her, She was moving in sexually provocative response.

The more I told Her holding back was necessary, the more She moved toward the Father of Manifestation in outrageously sexual ways, and right in front of Me, as though she enjoyed outraging and infuriating Me to see how far She could go. I had the feeling that even if I had pulled out a whip and beaten Her in that moment, She would have liked it.

She was arching Herself toward the Father of Manifestation and pulling Him toward Her. She was wrapping Herself around him and moving on His body like a snake. She was even looking like a snake now, pulling the Father of Manifestation down onto Her asking Him to come into Her, and acting like She wanted to go into Him. She tried to entwine Herself around Me, and when I drew back, I thought for a moment She was going to strike Me, but She only hissed. She was shivering and shuddering, and acting like She was seeking warmth, but it felt to Me like She was seeking more orgasms. I judged Her even more heavily now and wished I had the power not to allow Her to move unless I had control of Her.

She let Me have a breath of fire in that moment and I knew there was nothing more I could do with Her. Where was Her fear with which She had been constantly nagging Me now? Now, She was not the Mother who was afraid of displeasing Me! Instead of fearing My disapproval, it was as though She were not enjoying it. It was open defiance and I hated Her for it. I wanted to punish Her in every way I could. I hated the Father of Manifestation for His part in keeping Her aroused, but somehow, I hated Her more for

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enticing Him in these ways.

I wanted to scream at everyone involved, "No one listens to My plan. If you don't listen to My plan and do it My way, you're not going to do it at all!"

I shoved these screams into a state of denial with the feeling that I could not do anything effective abut it. The Manifested Spirits were obviously going their own way no matter what I did about it, and so, apparently, were the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. I felt impotent to stop Them, and so instead of screaming what I at first wanted to scream, I told Them They were going to suffer the consequences if They didn't do everything according to My plan.

We had a Hell of a fight in Red, but We shoved it into a state of denial that went tumbling out into the darkness of space, tearing and clawing at One another like We didn't want any life left when We were done. Meanwhile, We thought this was doing Our best to remain civil with One another in the presence of these intense undercurrents, and so it happened that the Mother began another series of orgasms that emerged the other half of the Rainbow Spirits and brought Our return to the Godhead.

I went along because I knew returning home was necessary, but I had grave reservations about the way it was being handled all the way along. So many things were left unmoved there that it has made the Kundalini energy that must return Will to Spirit very dangerous for any who do not understand what is really happening there, and it has, literally, killed most people with heart atacks when they have lost control of it. And this had been the case, in spite of the more reserved orgasms of the Rainbow Spirits' Will Polarity.

In spite of My feelings of impotence, I was able to exert much more control than I realized at the time, so much so that the Kundalini energy went almost totally into a state of denial. But all of the control I was able to exert still has not been enough in the eyes of some who think the Kundalini energy should not be allowed to move at all. Yet, in the eyes of the Rainbow Spirits, the emergence of their Will Polarity was so reserved and controlled that many of the Spirit polarized Rainbows thought they must have emerged backwards, and that this emergence was really meant for them. Many of them have even made the claim that all of Creation emerged backwards and needed to flip over. After a long time of ignoring them as wrong here, I have begun to take their claims more seriously.

The fighting you are seeing now in the Middle East is among the spirits who are holding most of these denials, but the ones most

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your point of view, but who still punished you, and who never gave you a chance to explain your point of view if He happened to glance upon any wrongdoing. Thinking you've moved past this is why most of you I'm talking to now haven't moved into Original Cause. You think you walked away from this Father and never looked back.

You need to move back and back through your life until you can remember even back past your birth to the sex your parents had when they made you. What were they feeling toward themselves and each other then? After all, you were a part of it or they could not have conceived you. How trapped by the ways and mores of their times or reactionary toward them were they?

What they denied will tell you a lot about what you got. The chance is one hundred percent that you got part or a lot of their denials. That's why each generation wonders how the next one got that way.

But how do you go back into something you can't feel or remember with nothing inside you can trust to know? One way is to try letting your First Parents explain, then, when you know what you need to know, you can risk moving a little bit and this little bit will become more and more.

Lost from the Light you need, you are all so anxiously and expectantly encircling Me because you think I finally just may or just might open that door to you and give you some of the Light that has been so long hidden there.

Take a deep breath; the feelings you have are alright. Even though you may not know it yet, or aren't sure, you have finally found the right door, and you're right, and you've always been right; it's My bedroom door.

Now, doesn't that make you feel queer after so long a time of Me seeming to not want you near? After so long a time of hearing Me say, just as your fathers do, "Leave Me alone, I need space from you, give Me My privacy," and of pretending this way that I don't see you and you don't see Me because I'm not looking at you and you're not looking at Me.

After so long a time of narrowing the spectrum of Our perceptions in order to create an illusion of privacy to protect what We felt wasn't safe or comfortable to let others see, you're hearing Me now turn around and say, "It's alright, relax, get real, it's a new day." After so long a time of keeping this gap in place between you and Me by not mentioning what We thought We were not supposed to see, I'm telling you that I realize you have to know what I tried

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to keep hidden, but what took place, nonetheless, between your Mother and Me.

I know this isn't going to be easy to go into with Me, but after so long, aren't you lonely [sic] for parents who really see you and love and accept you for whatever you are? If so, I want you to acknowledge this to Me. Giving you Light is not just a matter of opening My door. It is a matter also of whether you can stand what's in store for you when you face the reflection you have to face if I open My door to you any further than I have before.

If you want to face this reflection, I want you to acknowledge your feelings to Me. What do you feel about this? Because, yes, long ago, I did put you out, in the middle of the night, when your Mother and I were having a terrible fight. I put you out because you were having a terrible fright, and that is why, as much as you have wanted to know what goes on in here, you're also afraid of what you might see and what you might hear, of what you might feel and of what you might be.

Even though you don't like to, I want you to listen to Me and let Me tell you some things you have not known before in a cognitive way. i'm going to speak now about that which I never would say, and what I ask from you in return is that you give Me the most real response that you can and let Me see how dedicated you are to healing this with Me.

Let's start by looking back over your lives to see if you all asked yourselves the same questions or not, had the same feelings or not, the same hidden fears of no love or not, and most of all, the same lot in life; dysfunctional families who could not let you grow to know yourselves because nothing was known about how to know in these families, where love was a story with pictures that never came true but, instead, remained something too distant and hard to reach for little you; something so out of reach that you stopped trying to find what you never knew and could not find because you began believing it could never be true for you.


FEAR PRESENTING AS AVOIDANCE PATTERNS

We could not stand to have you pushing in on Us all of the time, wanting to see every little thing that We did and then judging Us when you didn't understand.

"Did you see what He did to Her? Oh, I don't like that! Did you hear what She told Him? Oh, I'd like to give Her a smack!" Then your tongues would go clack, clack, clack. Now do you see why I

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involved in the fighting are not the ones who have made these denials, nor are they the ones who can bring Light into the situation. Neither can the Father Warriors, who have rushed in to play their old role of trying to hold these denials back and down, bring the Light that is needed hee. The Four Parts of God and all of the Godhead Spirits have involvement here, as well as the parental parts of the Rainbow Spirits. We are the Ones who have made the denials that must move now to let in the Light of Love that is necessary in the Middle East.

The Middle East is moving now in a state of denial because what is being held there cannot be held anymore. Already, movement in the Mother and Me is being felt there, but it is not manifest yet as love because Heart and Body have not allowed Themselves to move everything. They need to move there yet. Body has His moves to make for Manifestation to gain the balance necessary for life, but Heart's denials are also involved, and much more than people might like to think.

Heart's denials have been manifesting as Nazi essence along with the rest of Our denials of love there. Heart has long thought He was not involved because He was not present for what took place during the manifesting of the Rainbow Spirits, but Heart was present as denied Heart. Even though Heart is moving here, the definition of love still needs so much expansion that the Nazis are still more involved than you might like to think. Not only are they moving again as hate groups in many countries, but they have hidden their presence in Israel in large numbers. This is why Israel is looking like a form that has been victimized, and yet, is turning around and perpetrating the victimization it received, as though nothing in the way of compassion and understanding was learned there.

It appears this way because there has been a form change you have not recognized. Nazis have been incarnating into Israel, not only because it is the best possible hiding place they could find, but also for many other reasons that will become clear as you go along. the "Law of Karma" is also working here to place perpetrators in the place they created for their victims, but the shortcomings of this, so-called, "law" are also apparent, since the essence involved is not learning the lessons hoped for. This is because they are denial spirits who cannot evolve as they are. They are manifestations of denials made in the Godhead and by the Rainbow Spirits, and so they are lost Will that cannot be escaped. The American Indians have Heart involvement here also that has not been able to escape the lost Will which has been pursuing them, incarnating into their forms, and

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making it look like the Indians are selling out to the ways of the Father Warriors.

It was Nazi essence that discovered the Indians in America and fought them down. It is Nazi essence opposing the Blacks in South Africa right now. It has been Nazi essence everytime there has been a hateful attempt at the extermination of spirits on Earth. Just as loving alignment creates Heart, denials creates denied Heart. The most serious denials of Heart created hate. The Nazis are denied Heart that hates. The way the hatred is directed determines the form it takes.

These denials always do what they do while claiming some other nobler, more loving intent for themselves; so much so that many of the key figures have been made out to be heroes in the whitewashed Father Warrior's versions of history. You may even want to say that they are not such bad guys if you just sit down and talk to them.

I want you to know that Hitler captivated many of the intellectuals of Europe with his mystical intelligence and strange outlook. Ronald Reagan captivated many people in the United States. This does not mean they are loving men.

The gap has been instructed to hide what it holds, and as long as the denial spirits in the gap do this, they are in control of the situation. If things start coming out into the open enough that they lose control, that is when they show what they are holding. The very ones you think are not such bad guys if you just sit down and talk to them are involved in what the gap is holding, and they act it out whenever their strings are pulled. You might be quite surprised, in fact, so see who is really giving the orders, for example, to torture people in darkened chambers beneath the prison systems.

I want you to know that loss of control in the gap is just as frightening as it was feared to be. It is terrifying, in fact. Loss of control is what the gap fears the most, and loss of control is also what everyone who has made denials into the gap fears the most. As you move into your own gapped emotions, you will need to exercise some form of control over the expression you allow them because they have been operating so far from your normal spectrum of consciousness. It is not advisable to just turn gapped emotions loose, because the form they have been taking in a state of denial is the same form they will, at first, want to take in the one who has been denying them; and they will have power over you at first, just as they have had in the world.

The Nazis are self-hatred made manifest but they do not allow themselves to notice they hate themselves, any more than the blame

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pushed you back? Your pressure was too much for Me with all the rest. I did not want this from My children; I needed some rest from the constant pressure of judgment and the endless pestering questions of how to live in Manifestation, of how to love and how to get along in life and with one another.

I never got to sleep with the Mother alone anymore. We always had children pestering Us for more company, more cuddles, and you know the rest. Children all do it now. They receive their instructions on how to perform before they are born; they all pass the test and the answers is yes, bedtime is the best time not to let parents get any rest. Then the next morning when your parents are grumpy and tired, you can sleep in while they foolishly get up and take care of business they believe they must do in order to be able to take care of you, instead of staying in bed and resting up with you so they too can be ready at night to cope with you and what you are then going to do, because, yes, you guessed it, the very next night you'll be all rested and ready to give Us another fight against bedtime and all of the terrors it evokes, pestering and pressuring for the very most We can do, never sleeping until it is all we can do to hold Our eyes open long enough to tell One another that this won't do. We must get some rest. We'll just have to find another time to try to be lovers.

Even though having all of you has made having more children almost impossible to do, the word "lovers" would no sooner leave Our lips than We both would feel that We couldn't risk being lovers until We figured out how not to have kids!

If you think this sounds unloving, you need to realize, it's a wonder you weren't all choked or otherwise not allowed to survive. As overwhelmed as We were and unable to stop you, We felt like We had become parents too soon, caught by Our hormones in a wave of unstoppable, multiple births of spirits all needing a home.

We had such dreams of how it could have been between Us. When You came along, we took you in and Our dreams had to become dreams of how We could provide for you with Our limited means.

Unparented Ourselves, and coming from such extremely different points of view, we seldom, if ever, could agree on how to go about raising you. At times, we were desperate and thought of al the things We might do to get rid of you, just as parents on Earth often do too. But whenever we thought of really moving toward getting rid of you, We never could do it because there you would

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suddenly be looking so cute and sleeping so blissfully, or else playing so nicely, you'd remind Us of the love We had for you.

Why you saved this behavior for such moments of stress, while all of the rest of the time you pestered, pressed and pressured Us nearly to death always seemed to Me to be a great mystery. The Mother always wanted to say it was because you felt Our rage and were afraid of it. My continual answer to this was, why, then, didn't you feel it before it came to this? If I can't get rid of you because I love you and if this love is indeed true, then why would I cry so often, over and over, about why it didn't feel better to be with you?

This is an answer We all have to find and in order to find it, there's a reality that has to be faced. To do this, you're going to have to get more real with Me or I cannot risk letting you into this place. I cannot go any farther with you than you are willing and able to go with Me. Whenever I have, you have always blamed what has happened to you on Me.

Long ago, I put you out because you weren't understanding enough to be that close to Me. Now the same is still true, but I am again trying to give some help to you. If you want to bite My hand off because you think I'm acting superior by daring to make this offer in this way to you, move back until you have expressed as much of this rage as you can. If you have terror, you need to move that too, because My Light doesn't want to make any more space for you to be closer to Me than is good for you, which, I would like you to know, is also what feels comfortable to Me. If you allow yourselves to move back when you need to, maybe I won't have to put you out again.

If you cannot move at My speed, you are not My Light but a Manifested Spirit instead. That's alright, but getting comfortable with it is not going to be that easy for you since, for so long, you have insisted you are My Light and believed it was true because you succeeded in holding Me back to your level with you. This is the guilty parent and not My Light as I'm moving now. I am a big nebula of expanding Light and all I ask is that you find your right place in it, or outside of it, as the case may be. So let's go.

For some of you, the first time We tried to move you back it came as a great storm of rage from the Mother. After that, I tried the reasonable approach, but none of it made any real difference. You still would not listen and denied so much here you think you do not remember that night so long ago when I put you out and shut Our bedroom door. But all of you should know that you have

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in the original denials allowed this to be noticed. They are full of self-righteousness , in fact. But the most dangerous thing about the form change here is that it is allowing the Nazis to gain what appears to be a more overt alliance with those who opposed them in World War II. These Father Warriors appear to be the same ones that were in power during the Second World War in the Western Alliance, but there has been a form change here also. Different orders of Father Warriors have moved into the power positions on Earth now because the deeper levels of lost Will they oppose are trying to move. It is their intent to stop the movement to open the Seventh Seal, which is the Survival Chakra. They are widely proclaiming themselves to be the Saviors of Peace on Earth, but they are actually trying to deliver the death blow while claiming their actions are all coming from loving intent.

While the Nazis are Heart denials, they are not the ones who can move it. This hatred needs to move in the Heart Spirits themselves. The rest of the Father Warriors involved are other Spirits' denials, from the Godhead on down.

The Spirits involved are holding back the emotions that most need to move now to end the acting out of these denials. The outer struggle is showing you the manifestation of the judgment patterns involved, but the outer struggle is not the place to find resolution . Resolution must come from inside yourselves where you have made the judgments that it is impossible to allow these emotions to move and survive them.

It was believed, at the time of the Rainbow Spirits' emergence that if We allowed Ourselves to have the fight We wanted to have in Red, there would be nothing left of Us or of Creation. There was an immense amount of emotion denied here; so immense and intense that it amounted to hating, blaming rage that the plan for manifesting Creation was not going right.

We all blamed One another, and We were all too frightened and uncertain of Our own roles to allow Ourselves to accept the blame then. My rage at the Mother and the Father of Manifestation was immense; so immense that I could not see past it to My own responsibility here. I insisted They had rushed ahead of Me and unfolded Creation without allowing My Light to be fully present . I saw it as a power play on Their part that did not want to empower Me by allowing My guidance.

I did not think there should have been so many Rainbow Spirits and I blamed it on the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. I blamed Them for having irresponsibly manifested a fragmented bunch of spirits because of Their selfish and insatiable appetite for

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One another.

My rage was being pushed away from Me as fast as I was able to do it with a heavy judgment that it was unloving, but I did allow Myself to notice that it was giving Me pictures of throwing Them out of Creation, of destroying everything They had manifested and starting over, of tearing out Their sexual organs, and of getting revenge by administering the most terrible of sexual tortures, designed to make Them unable to feel these appetites within Themselves anymore. When I saw pictures of Them finding ways to enjoy even this, I saw Myself beating Them in a frenzy.

I blamed the Mother for Her sexuality and for having called forth the Father of Manifestation to attempt to satisfy it. I believed the Father of Manifestation wanted to come between Us so that He could take the Mother and put Me in the position of having to try to come into Him from behind. If you look back over the emergence of the Rainbow Spirits, you may find involvement you did not know you had, because this is one of the favorite, and yet, most heavily denied sexual fantasies of many men: to fuck a woman while having another man fuck them from behind.

In fact, the way into the emotions that need to move here is to go into your sexuality, especially your denied sexuality, and find all the feelings you have around it. There is terror around emerging spirits being acted out in childbirth, along with rage about the way it is being handled. There is gapped rage and terror concerning the roles of the parents which also has a massive reflection in the animal kingdom. There is rage and terror around the issue of how satisfying sexual feelings are and aren't and around the actual act of lovemaking, itself, which now contains so much denial that it is often more like hate making. You need to look at what happens and also at what doesn't happen regarding your sexuality. There is so much to move here, it is going to be very intense to get through it, but it must be done. These are but some of the aspects of the issue of gapped hatred between men and women.

I could not see that the Mother was unable to hold back the emergence of the Rainbow Spirits because of the growing pressure of their light within Her. I blamed Her loss of control on Her sexual appetite. I was about as insensitive here as those who want to punish a mother during labor by telling her if she doesn't like it, she should not have had sex, or those who want to tell a mother to hold back during the push stage of labor because they are not ready for the delivery.

At the time, I could not understand what had caused the Mother to go tumbling out of control down into the very darkness.

p. 12

repeated this ever since, on the night your parents decided you could no longer be in the room with them because they wanted their privacy for conversation of their own and for having sex.

And on the night when they put you out of their room, they found themselves, just like Us, trying to hold down the noise they wanted to make, while also listening to hear if you really were alright, since most of you cried and put up such a terrible fight. we worried about whether others were giving you trouble or help, and We worried about whether any or all of you might climb out of bed and come sneaking back down the hall, press your ears to the door or the wall, or try to peep through the lockhole or see through the crack between the floor and the door.

Chances are, your mothers lobbied for you and from their point of view saw your fathers as rather heartless and cruel because your mothers were not finding sex to have the same great appeal that your fathers were feeling. Chances are, your mothers had turned more toward you because little you had a softness they found missing in the dads that you had. This led to fighting at first, sleeping separate at last and a lot of blame being shifted off onto you.

At times, we thought there was just something wrong with you. At other times, We thought it was unfortunate genes we had given to you or some mistake we had made in raising you. We tried and tried to make this up to you, but We just didn't know what to do with you. Whatever we did that We thought would help never helped you for long. Whatever gain we thought you had made, you soon lost. You acted like you just didn't know how to keep it. You acted like you had simply forgotten whatever We had done for you, and anyway, whatever it was, it wasn't enough for you.

You never wanted these losses blamed on you. It was always caused by someone else who "had it in" ' for you. The more We did to try to help you, the more you squeezed Us and seemed not to notice how little it pleased Us to give you so much only to hear your continual claim that We did nothing for you because your life stayed the same, unhappy and miserable all of the time, and why didn't we fix it for you because, after all, what are parents for?

The Mother and I blamed Ourslves and each other. You helped Us here, because no matter what We did, you always said it wasn't done for you, but for Ourselves instead. We could barely approach the subject of you with each other. We were afraid to approach the issues of how We really felt about this in front of you,

p. 13

especially when Our feelings did not feel loving toward you. the pressures from you all day long made us feel like We couldn't get a moment alone, and since you never moved very far away from Us, We tried not to go into these feelings all day long. Then at night, the battle would start about whose needs hadn't been sufficiently met yet, who wasn't ready for bed because they still wanted to play, who couldn't think of a thing to do except follow Us around all day but were now suddenly busy and couldn't possibly stop yet, who couldn't sleep because they just weren't tired or ready and what more you wanted Us to do for you that We hadn't done alrady.

Sympathy was the last thing We had grown to expect from you because you always saw things from your own point of view, and from there, always made it so abundantly clear that whatever was wrong had been inherited from Us and was not your fault. Of course, all of this was avoidance of terror of the darkness of night because the gap had no light, and terror that if you fell asleep or left Us alone, We just might have time to discuss you, and terror of what We then might do.

So often, We fell into bed too late to be lovers. We were too tired and disgruntled to relate to each other until the pressure grew into a great big fight which couldn't be hidden from you even though We certainly tried. Later, we wondered if We still loved each other since We could find time to fight but no time to be lovers.

You were afraid of Us moving toward feelings you feared were not loving toward you and of what we might then do. We also, of course, tried everything We knew to avoid facing these feelings of Ours about you, until now it has become so terribly sad that what We hid for so long because We thought it was so terribly bad is now coming so plainly out into view, as though there's no place left to hide it and nothing else it can do.

The sewers and landfills are all filling up and the sea is rapidly becoming a sea of muck. The land is all poisened and the air is all dead. The animals are suiciding with mercury, cadmium, spilled oil and lead. Those not already gone soon will be dead while you still sit praying and doing what you've always done to avoid the dread instead of feeling what needed to come forward so long ago in Our bedroom at night, when, in our guilt and confusion, We catered to your fright because We just couldn't see any way it felt right not to.

Letting Our real feelngs show looked to Us like it was shoving

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of space She had so feared all the rest of the time I had known Her. Why suddenly now before I was ready to handle it?

I had barely gotten free of the other spirits around Us and I felt I needed some time with the Mother and the Father of Manifestation to re-establish My relationship with Them for a little while, especially concerning Heart's absence, before We emerged any more spirits.

I was denying it, but I was feeling enraged at the Mother and the Father of Manifestation for not having more control and for not allowing My Light to rev up more before We got started. I hated Them for not giving Me more time between emergences in which to receive the spirits and find out how the spirits felt about their own emergences. It was as though They were running away in deliberate defiance of My wishes here.

I already knew the Rainbow Spirits were going to need a lot of help and I wanted My Light to be as present as possible. I made no connection , at the time, between the increase in the Light from the amount of celebrating We had done over the emergence of spirits in the Heavens and the pressing need to open space. The increase in the Light was pressing on the Mother so much She was already fearing being pushed on too hard and repeating Her original fall. She felt She had no ability to hold Herself back and She was running away from Me, in terror, but not knowing why. She was desperately trying to open enough space not knowing what She was doing or why She was doing it. She was trying to stop Us from giving Her any more Light, trying to fight the Father of Manifestation off whenever He caught Her, screaming in the feeling of fragmenting whenever He overwhelmed Her with Light, and yet allowing Him to hold Her at times because She was so terrified of going off the deep end and losing Our Light altogether. I had almost no recognition of what the Mother was experiencing except that I felt desperate about letting Her get too far from Me. The Father of Manifestation allowed Himself to notice more than I did but He did not know how to read it.

The Mother was desperate to give birth because She was unable to hold the spirits within Her anymore. She was struggling to get away from My Light because She feared My insistence on revving up the Light even more was going to make Her feel even less able to hold Herself back as I had been insisting She do. She could not be at peace with Her own moves because She feared My displeasure meant She was inadequate. She feared Me but She denied her sexual rage toward me. The Mother was losing control of Herself, She did not want to surrender control to anyone else because She did not

p. 15

trust Our sensitivity to Her, and She feared what all of this meant. She was like a mother being told not to have any more children when she has no means to stop it.

The Father of Manifestation was trying to keep a grip on Her, both by going into Her and by trying to hold Her back, but He could not handle Her any more than I could. She was fighting Him at the same time as She wanted to receive Him. She knew She needed His help but She was enraged at Him for His lack of sensitivity about how to give it. The father of Manifestation felt inadequate here but also blamed the Mother and none of the feelings were allowed to come into the openness needed.

The Mother didn't know if She could trust the Father of Manifestation or Me not to pressure Her with more than She could handle. I was pouring more Light into the Father of Manifestation than He was able to hold and He wasn't able to give it all to the Mother. He felt pressured by My Light to move more toward the Mother than She wanted Him to. He felt trapped between Us.

In My fear of shortchanging the Rainbow Spirits, I went to the other imbalance of overdoing it with them, just as most of them overdo their own parenting job. In wanting to make sure they had all they needed, they had much more than they needed. When they could not hold it either, they fragmented much more than they would have otherwise. I was like Mind unable to trust its own Intuition or its Body to find the balance that would be approprate. Will and Body could not trust Themselves here either because I was not receiving Their feelings about how Creation should have been made manifest.

From the very beginning, They should have been included in Our plans, but Heart and I thought it was only necessary to have Them manifest and give form to what We had envisioned and understood. When the Mother did not act like She wanted to be present for Our planning stages of Creation, We allowed Ourselves to see this as proof that We were right; She wasn't really interested in OUr plans. We did not allow Ourselves to see that Her disinterest was because We were not making any real space for Her presence, or allowing the Will movement She needed to remain present or stay interested. In other words, we were much too dry and boring for Her; mental and scientific She would call it now.

Lost Will has since manifested all of the judgments We made then about the supposed differences between the male and the female brain, while science has never found any real difference and has put the difference off on hormones. Whatever Her reasons or ways and means were, the Mother kept feeling like something was

p.14 [as to how parents should deal with this complex problem of feeling limited by their children: see in the left frame p. 21]

you down into a black hellhole. As loving parents, how could We make you go into what frightened you so much at night that you couldn't sleep because you feared darkness and all of your terrible dreams? When you told Us you had dreams of the hellhole We feared, the Mother could not make you go to sleep without at least holding you near. And so we let you sleep as close as you possibly could wiggle yourselves in with and, sometimes, between Us. And each time I tried to put you out, you came back again reflecting all of Our doubt with reasons, pleadings, beggings and excuses as to why you and your needs were all so terribly pressing, important and special that you deserved exemption from your Parents' manifesto that you clear out of Their room and give Them some space, a good night's sleep,a chance to feel loving toward One another and to talk, uninterrupted by children knocking on Their bedroom door with reasons, pleadings, beggings and excuses, crying with nightmares, monsters on the loose, bathroom needs, and when that didn't work, dangerous symptoms and frightening illness.

Your Parents grew so thin and worn, but you acted like you took no more notice of this than the day you were born. Parents just age, they all look like this, there's nothing we kids have done that's amiss. All you remember is that We shut the door in your face and how could We when your problems at night were like this?

And still, you wheedled your way back into Our place, saying please, it's the nightmares, or whatever would work. Just let us sleep on the floor. Then the next night it was a little more, until soon you were back right where you were before.

And so, We've suffered and struggled on and on like parents who weren't supposed to have any needs of their own. From the first day of Original Cause until now, nothing has changed. You've never grown up or been ready to leave home, but you've hated Us for every need of Our own that We've ever shown, or any limit We've ever made known.

And so, We suffered and struggled on and on like parents who have no needs of their own; no need to rest or eat, bathe or change clothes in peace, and who, after all, you say, shouldn't have had you unless We were ready. Always looked upon by you as unfit Parents, blaming Ourselves and blamed by you because We had no way to know how to do it, never having done it before. For answers, We had only Ourselves to explore. Having no parents to guide Us or care for Us, we tried to find comfort in One another. We didn't have anyone who had done this before to even let us

p.15

know We were having sex or that sex led to children; We were just dong what felt good to Us. Trying to feel good was all We thought we were doing until all of you became so all time consuming that even a moment between Us became hard to grab without crabby little children screaming about all the needs that they had.

I became afraid to even touch the Mother for fear of what result I would later discover, usually that She would again be Mother.

She became afraid that She was a curse on Me that turned everything I gave Her and every dream We ever dreamed together into misery. At times, We were so frantic and tired that, rather than beat on you, we beat on each other.

And so, we suffered and struggled on and on some more, blaming Ourselves and each other, only too soon to discover that whatever We did for you was never enough to allay the feelings We all tried not to discover.

Whenever We could find a few quiet moments in which We seemed to agree that moving you back was what had to be, and quickly, before any more damage was done, we'd face a reflection of blame from you. "We want you to go to your own place", We would say.

Then anger from you. "We're glad to go. We can't wait to go. Being with You isn't that much fun. We never liked it that much anyway!"

"We're not throwing you out. We're just asking you to move back a little bit and give Us some space," I would say.

But your response, nonetheless, would be so extreme. After almost no emotional expression at all, you were suddenly storming and raging, not even hearing Me. When I would repeat Myself, you wouldn't listen, so busy you'd be screaming as if I'd asked you to leave home forever and never come to see Me again.

Your love didn't seem to be there for Me and you would scream things designed to let Me know that you had never seen My love as there for you either. "Thanks a lot for nothing! I know You don't want Me around! Why did You ever have me anyway?"

While I was wondering this Myself you would scream, with such a belligerent face, "I wish you had never had me! I'm outa your place !"

The situation had Me so enraged, something in Me would snap and I would feel like smacking you right out of the place. I didn't though. If I ever did raise My hand, it seemed to be your cue to start screaming anew about how you knew I didn't love you.

"Go ahead, hit me. Prove what I already said. You don't love

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missing and she kept going to the edge of space and looking for it as though She was expecting it to appear there. She kept distracting My attention by doing this and as much as She was making Me nervous, She was also making Me mad.

When the Mother became agitated around Our planning sessions and remained agitated whether We tried to include Her or not, I, of course as you already know, put it off on the Mother. But I also took note of Her feelings here and allowed them to penetrate My consciousness someplace or I would not have hem here now to tell you about them. But in Our main Body, Heart and I felt the Mother was not leaving Us in peace to do what We wanted to do or in the way We wanted to do it. In other words, She was not, as We judged it, opening the space for Us that We wanted to have. When we denied expression of Our feelings here, We entered into some serious denials.

When we tried to include the Mother more than we really wanted to, the Mother gave Us the reflection of being patronizing and phony with Her. She had feelings of being unable to trust Our intent. Our feelings of annoyance started growing into rage the more We felt We extended Ourselves on Her behalf and She was unappreciative. We saw Ourselves as being the epitome of self-control when it came to the Mother and We saw Her as provoking Us with Her unappreciative and even defiant behavior.

When the Mother called forth the Father of Manifestation we felt extemely provoked, I especially. Heart allowed Me to notice how I felt here by giving Me the impression I was not right to feel as I felt about another brother coming along. Heart wanted Me to see Him as a Brother of His but I saw Him as a rival. I had gapped once already over the issue of rivalry from the Mother and I feared I might do it again.

The Mother already knew I feared losing control of this energy again, and yet, She seemed to have deliberately brought something into My life that was immediately challenging My ability to retain control. Heart and I both feared loss of control on My part. We feared what might happen then. We thought the way to retain control was to control Our emotions and We were extremely provoked to find the Mother so incorrigible here. She seemed like a naughty and defiant child, always doing the thing We least wanted Her to do. We didn't feel ready for any Father of Manifestation and that seemed to make the Mother all the more interested in callng Him forth.

We had no sense of Her   t r i g g e r i n g  Us to release what We were holding, or that it would bring Us what We needed. Instead, We

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decided the Mother was extremely provocative to the point of being oppositional , and that if We did lose control, it would be the Mother's fault and that She would then deserve whatever She got.

Since the Will depends on Spirit for the consciousness with which to understand the feelings, and since Spirit cannot give the right understandings unless the feelings are fully received, these denials went into a deadlock. The Mother felt this in Us and interpreted it as a signal from Us that She was to hold back Her feelings even more. Her anger was already afraid to come forward and Our lack of acceptance for Her feelings when She could not already explain them to Us made the Mother much more uncertain of Herself than She would have been otherwise.

Real feelings were getting more and more buried in denials and polarized into viewpoints. We weren't able to receive from them, at the time, the gift of understanding they had to offer. None of Us was able to realize that the Mother's agitation was because of the Will denial already present, or that She couldn't settle down because of sensing that something was missing. This lack of openness between Us made it so that the missing element, Our own Fourth Principle Form, the obvious component if Creation were to take place, already present, yet not born into self-awareness, the Father of Manifestation , had to be called forth from a place of shame, fear, guilt and denied rage toward Spirit for not moving to recognize the role of Form in Creation.

The Mother's intuition was guided by a first knowing that was not being credited in Our consciousness. This intuition felt the Father of Manifestation had to be there, and that the gap being caused between Body and Spirit by His lack of presence could not be allowed to widen any further, but did not have the peace of being accepted. We made the Mother feel wrong about needing the Father of Manifestation to feel satisfied. We did not see the completion of the Firm Foundation of Creation in Him because We were all so agitated by the denials involved.

We were already so afraid of what We were denying that We feared these areas couldn't be gone into. We were, literally, trying to bury them; especially since I had found that We couldn't go back and do things over as though they had never happened in ways we didn't like the first time. We had the power to pretend, but what We had judged as Our mistakes weren't really being healed.

The Will was taking this in as, "What's done is done, there's no point in getting upset about it." Another judgment that went into the Will here was "Nothing can be done about it. What good is getting upset going to do? It will only make matters worse."

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me. Go ahead! Hit me! I always knew You had it in You! I always knew it was what You wanted to do! Go ahead! Show me You're the jerk I always knew that You were!"

I would control Myself and pull My hand back. "Don't do me any favors" would be your next smart remark, usually shouted from whatever doorway represented your best escape.

When it came to these scenes, the Mother would break down and plead your case. She would always claim We had made mistakes and that it wasn't your fault. We just needed to understand you and love you more or better. Then She would say, "I agree with You. I want them to go, but I want them to go willingly and happily."

I would feel betrayed, like She had turned against Me and the agreement We'd made, to put you in your right place, out of My face, and let you know that I ruled the roost.

I was enraged at the Mother, but I let Her prevail. I pulled My hand back and did not chase your tail out of the house as I saw My rage doing. Instead, I felt ashamed of what looked like My own wrongdoing.

How could I live so manipulated and controlled by My very own children in My very own place? Yet putting you out, even if it was only into your own room at night, or just outside to play in the broad daylight, felt like heartlessness putting you too far away. Putting you out as My rage thought it might do felt so heartless and cruel and like such a disgrace. I had failed as a parent and was going to advertise it all over the place by putting you out in the public view as if I was sayaing "I can't handle you!"

But who could be more qualified to help you than Me? There was no one else I wanted to see parenting you. My head would fill with vivid pictures of what might happen then. No matter how much I wanted to put you out, I felt also a need to be protective of You. After all, what might happen out there? I would focus on this and hold in My feelings of wanting to put you out.

I'd let you stay closer to Me than I was comfortable with then, and no sooner would I agree to let you stay than either the Mother or I would still have to say that We needed and wanted Our privacy. It would seem We agreed that you needed to find your right place and not stay so close to Us that We couldn't move as we wanted to in Our own space. The problem was We coudln't move you back smoothly. no matter how We tried to do it, it always seemed like displacing you.

First , it had been internal uproar that had kept Us from finding

p. 17

the peace that We sought, an uproar of voices all wanting to have their say, an uproar of voices all wanting it their own way, and We thought that all of the fighting inside could be solved by letting it out to go its own way. But what happened then, I am sorry to say, is you all came out fighting and did not move away. You have not moved away to this very day.

We had plenty of rage over this, but We just couldn't allow it. Just raising Our voices was enough for you to claim we were shouting, and if One of Us lost control and started to rage, the other would stop it. If We asked you to give Us some space without the emotional charge of a fight, you would still kick, scream and plead and even beg so pitifully, "Don't make me leave. Please don't do it. I'll be good. I didn't mean what I said. I'll do whatever You say!" As if you were abused children about to be thrown away.

"But" I would say, "you have your own rooms and We want you to go there. we made an agreement and We want you to keep it."

"We're too afraid of the dark to be that far away," you would say. And so it would go, day after day, back and forth between your pleas and Ours, and somehow you never moved away.

Treated like little princesses and princes, you've always claimed you don't have the means to go forth on your own and live as the kings and queens We Parents made you believe was your birthright.

When We've suggested and even insisted you try, you've said that what life has to offer always falls short and that this is Our fault because We gave you a promise We couldn't deliver. We shouldn't have given you such high-minded dreams.

The world you have found out there is a world of nightmares and bad dreams, it seems, and by the way, do we mind if you come home for a little stay to work out some troubles you ran into the other day? Can you bring a friend and what's for dinner tonight? Is the 'fridge full, you're broke and you hope that's alright.

"But you gave Us no warning; do you think your Mother and I have nothing to do? We have plans for the day, we're going out, just Us two."

"Oh, that's alright, we won't be any trouble. Just leave the key in the usual place and when you get home we'll be waiting for you. Don't mind us, don't let us cramp Your style."

So much for Our plans for a romantic night, and with no chance for a romantic night, what good does it do to have a romantic day? So we cancel Our plans in Our guilt and confusion that doesn't know what else to do, and sit at home wondering what

p. 18

The Will felt Herself being told She must hold back emotion but She also already felt Herself being damaged when She did this. These judgments against the Will multiplied the pain, the horror, the terror and the even more deeply denied rage in the Will because the Will was experiencing Herself being damaged in the isolation of no acceptance for Her experience other than being told there was nothing that could be done about it that would really help, what's done is done and can't really be changed. The Will became deeply imprinted with the belief that real healing is impossible. All later attempts to help the Will have been tried in the face of this deep belief in the Will that was not moved. Instead, it was further compounded by Our reactions to Our inability to help the Will.

Our inconsistencies didn't bother Us. We viewed Ourselves as moving right along and not holding on to anything that troubled Us from the past. It was the Will who could not let bygones be bygones. We were looking perfect and it was by virtue of what was falling away from Us into the lost Will. It was the Will's problem if She wanted to hold onto all of this garbage instead of letting go of it as We had done. The more She held onto it, the less We liked it and the less we liked Her.

Part of the Will believed Us here and felt like the terrible failure We made Her out to be, but in another part of the Will, the feeling grew in rage and terror that I was deliberately destroying the Will, either because I was hopelessly stupid and unreceptive to evolving My Mind or I was of wicked intent.

The lost Will moving now is going to heal all of this, but has been in place for so long that giving it another reality is going to take a lot of movement. By the same token, there will not be a time that will be easier for you than now. Even so, the Mother is still afraid that what has never been acceptable still isn't.

Heart had denied hatred toward the Will in many of the same ways that I did. Heart did not come along to manifest the Rainbow Spirits because He could not stand the position He had in the relationship. With the Mother viewing Heart as having come between Us, She was trying to go around Heart to reach Me directly as She had in the past. It infuriated Her to feel She could only approach Her mate through Her child and She felt it wasn't right.

Heart felt just as infuriated in response and They both felt very guilty about having these feelings of rage, jealousy, competition and hatred. Heart felt the Mother was trying to leave him out and make Him feel that his position wasn't right whenever it came to matters She thought should be just between Us. She wanted Heart to find His own Will, as though He was no longer the intimate part of Us

p. 19

He had felt himself to be before He was born. Heart particularly resented this when the Mother allowed the Father of Manifestation near Her in ways She didn't even receive Me. I was furiously jealous and allowed nothing to move here, and Heart was furious over feeling denied.

Heart felt so denied when We manifested the Rainbow Spirits that Heart of the Rainbow Spirits was commensurately denied. How could the Rainbow Spirits accept Heart if their parents didn't have Heart manifest with Them? Heart thought His right place was among the Angels and the Heart of the Rainbow Spirits, but He did not feel like it was His right place. Heart has felt displaced in Creation without understanding why.

Because of the denials involved, Heart thought He was not an accepted part of the Godhead where adult matters , such as manifesting spirits, were concerned. Heart got the idea that His presence wasn't welcome for conception or birthing, and He had blame for the Mother for this. Denials here have made Heart presence difficult or missing for orgasm and birthing in the Manifested Spirits . The reflection of the intensity of emotion around this belief is shown in the outrage over the idea that  J e s u s   might have had sex. Imagine the outrage that might occur if it were suggested He wanted to have sex with His Mother and She with Him.

The Mother allowed Heart whenever it seemed fitting in Our relationship according to Her ability to handle it then, and even some times when She didn't feel comforable about it, because guilt held Her back from full expression of how She felt. The lack of emotional movement both included and excluded Heart because of feelings that were not in balance. Thus, His right place could not be felt.

Neither the Mother nor Heart were able to resolve this in Themselves anymore than mothers now feel it is alright to have children in the bedroom during sex, or to accept touch from their husbands of a sexual nature during the waking hours of the family, or to let children witness the births of their siblings. When these experiences are allowed, they are allowed in the presence of undercurrents that are not coming forward for expression, but are creating something as a result of their presence, nonetheless. what needs to move here are all the feelings involved in these situations and not just some of them.

In situations where beliefs say openness should be present and the forms of this are taken on without full alignment in the Will, guilt and sexual shame are denied wherever undercurrents are being ignored. This is how denied guilt fragments get created, and

p. 18

trouble has befallen you ; sitting and waiting for you. After all, We don't know who your friend is, and if we had gone out, Our minds would have been on you. So there's nothing else to do but sit at home and wait for you.

And when you don't come and finally call a month later, you say, "Oh, that day. I figured it was no use to call, after all You were the ones who said You weren't planning to be home at all. But today I thought I just might..."

And so, we suffered and struggled onward together some more, doing no favors to Us and as you have been so quick to point out, no favors to you. You seemed so emotionless so much of the time, and so insatiably bored and dissatisfied, always needing more, different and new things to absorb the restless, dissatisfied you.

Television was born for you, but soon, even that couldn't show you anything new. You became increasingly fascinated with horror and terror, murder, death and violent sex, while your own lost Wills couldn't even look at it. If you ever turn the television off, you ave almost nothing to do that you want to do, that you're able to do, and nothing offered to you is ever quite good enough to really suit you. Yet, you posture a relaxation and comfort that is not really real for you.

Big you is no less hurt than little you, but guilt told you to stop acting little and selfish, to act big and hide little you, and not to pressure anymore to have your own way because you wanted too much and your demands were too many on parents who, themselves, never had any love to make, hold or give because their parents had problems too. Poor little you, more fragmented than not and with no place to turn because you could not understand how this happend to you.

I know now that you need to know what happened between your Mother and Me that made it so that we barely speak about anything deep at all, exchanging only pleasantries, formalities and small talk in front of you and why we hardly have felt it right to speak much, if at all, about such important things as Our sex life and what it was like the time that We brought you to be, the importance of which was diminished so much as to try making you think you were brought by a stork or some other such very improbable thing that makes no sense if you notice a Mother's belly and changing moods; the noises she makes if she delivers at home and cries out from behind the closed door of her room, or the absence and emptiness in the house if she agrees to go away

p. 19

someplace else and let them pull the baby out. When you find out they use drugs, forceps, needles and knives, bright lights, rough , gloved hands and mean, masked faces, it frightens you and you wonder if they also assaulted little you this way.

You're not to ask questions or act like you know very much. You're not to miss mommy, feel fear or cry very much. Lock it away and present yourself nicely. What would others say if they saw you behaving this way? I hope you are not trying to say you don't love baby very much. And don't raise the question of how you were made, not even when you have to go back in rebirthing. Don't ask about sex on the night you were made. What has that got to do with the trauma of birth on earth as a piece of lost Will whose Spirit didn't even find it worth joning until after you've already gone through the worst.

If you survive it with any promise at all, Spirit might enter you after all, little by little, but never all the way because that would mean getting stuck in the slime and the muck of vomit, diapers, poop and pee, and crying day and night in loneliness, tummy ache, anger, boredom and frightened misery.

You're choking on foods you can't digest, being fed by a mother whose thoughts have wandered so completely away that she feeds you like it is just another chore to get done each day. She unconsciously stuffs you with food as fast a she can, horrible stuff from a jar or a can, beating your back if you choke and slapping your mouth if you spit it back when you can, then bouncing your overstiffed little tummy absentmindedly upon her knee. She shakes and bounces and joggles you in the name of a game to comfort and entertain little you, but what she is really trying to do is distract the both of you from your terrible inner pain about which you have to complain the minute she puts you down again. And if you ever manage to poop this out, she turns up her nose like you're a disgusting lout , and, oh, hell, diaper rash again, oh, well, nevermind, it's normal, all babies have it, so that means we can ignore the burning and paining it's causing that makes you cry all the more.

It's a wonder any of you ever grow up with any mind or wit left at all with mothers like this who do nothing at all but grit their teeth 'til their children leave home and then complain that they're all alone and why don't you ever write or call on the telphone? There's no one to nurture or even feed you right because your mothers aren't really mothers at all, but just girls whose feelings also took flight when they were shoved out into their own terrible

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there are certainly many of them. An example of some of the less harmful ones who go out and act out an openness that is not really there are the sexual swingers who will tell you any combination is good as long as Body gets excited, because Body response means it must be alright.

At the time, I thought I was doing alright with Heart because I had shoved all of My denials into Will and Body and saw Them as giving Me trouble. Some lost Will took this to mean I was gay because I loved Heart more than the Will. The more this split widened, the more men have felt like they have more love for other men than they have for women.

Another issue involved in Will's attitude toward Heart is how hard it is for mothers to raise their sons in ways that really prepare them to take on any real roles as fathers. Immediately, many of you will want to say this isn't true, but look at how many women complain that men are like children who have to be constantly looked after, who are emotionally dependent on them and who, at least in a part of themselves, see their wives as being the same as their mothers. Mothers do not usually allow their sons to develop emotionally, any more than their fathers do.

Mothers have a rage at their sons, which they have not allowed themselves to notice because they are focusing all of it on their sexual partners, forgetting their sexual partners were once sons. The answer is a simple as this, really: When men are not allowed to open to their Wills fully, whatever fullness is lost there is lost from their entire character. Without full participation of the Will, it is impossible to fully understand what is happening to you, and without full understanding , true evolution, is not possible. No matter what outward behavior changes people train themselves to make, they are no more evolved than they are open to their Wills' movement, and opening to another where you are closed yourself is not possible.

There is no real way to heal this other than to go back to the places where emotions were stopped and re-establish the flow and evolution from there. [June 19, 2012-inserted at the end of the entry-page to Healing-K.i.s.s.] This also includes going to the places where the Mother cut the Son off from affection He wanted to have.

The Mother has issues with Heart that need to move now. The Mother sees Heart as coming between Spirit and Will. The idea that a first born pleases the father more if it is a son enrages the mother toward the father but also toward the son. It is guilt that has not allowed these feelings to move. Feeling the fear of how unloving you must be to have hatred and rage toward Heart is an important fear to feel so that you have openness instead of more denied guilt

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that will reflect to you as lack of acceptance for your feelings.

I would like to spend a moment on the role of grief here also. Grief is a reaction to splits of any kind, real or imagined. Inasmuch as you fear certain feelings mean splits in the family, friends, or love you can receive or give, you will have grief. To whatever extent you are able to move into a real increase in openness, you will have increasing presence of love and increasing joy.

Will has experienced Heart as a control valve that did not allow free expression to or access to Spirit anymore. Parents also feel their relationship limited by the presence of children.[see the pages in the right frame!] It is not a matter of putting the children out of the room for certain things, it is a matter of getting the emotions in motion so that parents can increase the openness between them, and children can move back as they need to, or as parents need them to, without feeling denied and unaccepting toward what is happening to them.

Heart experienced Will as trying to push up through It or around It and as trying to get rid of It. Heart has reached defensively toward Will and protectively toward Spirit when Heart has not liked the feelings coming from Will, and has felt furious toward the Will for what was perceived as unlovingness coming from Will toward Heart and Spirit. Heart has also turned around in this in defense of the Will, but not as strongly.

As much as Hitler was My Light in a state of denial, the Nazis were Heart denials. As much as Heart and I were aligned here, the men who closely aligned with Hitler held Spirit-Heart denials. As much as Body aligned with Us, form was given to this hatred. As much as the Mother hated Herself, this hatred was made manifest. This is why the Mother always thinks it is all Her fault, but She also needs to know she cannot hold these things indefinitely and avoid manifesting them if there is no movement to change them.

As much as We opposed and hated Ourselves for having these feelings, and fought them down in OUrselves, other orders of Father Warriors opposed and fought down the ones manifesting these denials. Although We originally fought these feelings down with everything we had, believing Our survival depended on it, The Father Warriors fought Hitler down with a little less than that. They avoided entering the war until they had to because there are some denials present in the Father Warriors that had a secret interest in letting it happen until the bald-faced openness of it made it impossible to allow anymore without having it reflect on them in ways they did not want it to. You can see it in the way they did not allow many Jews to take refuge in their countries, and in the way arms dealers sell arms to all sides and run black markets that are never

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plight. Girls made mothers before they were ready by boys they thought would be more steady than they proved to be once they found out they had made themselves fathers before they were ready.

And so, the world has gone on and on, with parents parenting before they are ready, more parents who parent before they are ready. And no one knows what else to do or how to do it, but no one wants to admit to it because then they might have to feel the terrible terror of the whole ordeal.

Whatever you do, it's never enough and all of your life you feel guilt over the feelings you stuff, and so now, how do I think you might have a chance to get better? How are you going to make it happen when the place where you live won't let you be free and you can't move to feel anything, not even Me?

You're so confused, it's no wonder you can't listen to Me. First I tell you to move back and then I tell you to move back over your lives with Me. First I tell you you're blind, then I expect you to see. With Parens like Us, it's no wonder you respond angrily.

And how are you gong to get back to this place I want you to go, when We've, for so long, hidden what you want to know? One way is by having the reality of it told to you by your very first Parents who first tried to hide it all from you; Parents who thought They should hide Their relationship with One another and show you ony what They defined as Their love for you, because all of love's sweet words, as well as Their fights, weren't fit, proper or right for little children to hear or see when they were already strugglng to live their lives between unspoken feelings and hidden lies. between fear and dread, between love and hate and the war of the worlds, between the battle of the sexes and boys and girls, between escape into magic of fairies and elves that filled your heads with the rescuing of kings and queens, princes and princesses, and dreams and fantasies unfilfilled where you were never being rescued or loved quite right.

All alone by your little selves at night, living in fear of what was right and of what just might cause the next terrible fight between Mommy and Daddy behind the closed door of Their bedroom at night, stirring all of those icky feelns in you, because nothing is for certain and there's nothing you can do. The Heart that never formed between Mommy and Daddy is missing in you, and love is missing there too.

They say they love you, but it never feels right. They talk about you like you're not even there. They say nasty things that hurt you

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inside. They act like they never see you except when they want to pick a fight about little things like the way you wear your hair. They never say anything direct to you about matters of importance to you such as your fear that they don't love you.

When you ask them, they always say that, of course they do, in a tone that says, "What's wrong with you that you'd even ask if we do? Don't you notice all the things we do for you?" They behave like facing the fear they might not would be too much for you. [sic] When they say they love you, it feels like a lie to go along with all of the other lies about fairies and elves, kings and queens, princes and princesses and the fulfilling of dreams.

For you, it seems like only your nightmares come true, nightmares of reaching for a life that passes over you. Your dreams have a terror that never ends and life seems the same so why even try? You push it down with food that, if you taste it, makes you choke, so you cover that up with spices, sauces, alcohol, drugs and the inhaling of smoke.

Why believe in anything where hope is involved? Life can never happen the way you want it to. Why believe in dreams? Why believe in elves? Why believe in fairies or Santa Claus? None of your problems are ever resolved. Why believe in rescues? Why believe in God? Why believe anything good will happen to you? Emotional expression does no good. Why believe in Life? It's going down the tubes. There's nothing left on Earth that could satisfy you.

There's nowhere to live without paying a lot and no way to live without sacrificing a lot. For so long, you have thought it simply must stop, but it never has and it never will, or will it? The planet's a mess like never before and lost Will's immense. You know this because you have almost lost your desire to try anymore.

God never hears me or else He's not real. He doesn't feel very real. How do I know He's not just another concept of man like Santa Claus or Peter Pan?

He's an invisible Spirit some say, but they also say that about Santa Claus and Peter Pan. How do I know He's not made up like everyone else who lives in Fairyland?

If Fairyland were real and I lived there I'd have more fun. No question about it, I'd like to have more fun, but nothing makes any difference in the way I live. I try to find more to life but the things I hate never change and the things I love never stay the same. It all makes me tired. If I have any power, it's in reverse against me, or else there is a greater power out there and it's out to get me.

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stopped. The Father Warriors were not ready to allow the Jews into their countries any more than I was ready to take the Rainbow Spirits into the Godhead as a solution.

All the things that were felt, but not moved because they were judged to be unkind or unloving, manifest the judgments against them with so little real movement present in the essence involved that this essence remains trapped until the parental parts allow it to move, or until there is a loss of control someplace resulting from the pressure of holding in the face of the "extreme provocation" I mentioned.

As much as We wanted to hide these denials from Ourselves, many aspects of these denials have been acted out in secrecy, history has been lost or cleaned up, and things have been left undiscovered because of lack of intent to bring them forward. As much as we have wanted to hide from the reality of these things having presence with Us, We have also had fragmentation and the avoidance of the real feelings involved in any given situation.

Another way these denials get in motion is when the ones making the denials feel like the denials are the true feelings they would really like to express, but they dare not because of the lack of acceptance for such feelings that they see around them. Then these denials have the power to go out and do it someplace else, or even to force themselves on others because the ones making the denials hate the lack of acceptance for what they feel and want to knock it down. When we make such denials, what starts out in secret often gets exposed by the part of Us that hates Us for having these feelings. No matter which way you go, sThe lost Will moving here has been waiting a long time for its opportunity.

The fight in the Middle East has everything to do with Our denials in Red and all the way along with the Rainbow Spirits for that matter. The Second World War also had to do with these denials, as did all of the other struggles in the history of the Jewish people, including their struggles with the elements, starvation, plagues and so forth. Moses had the power to help the Jewish people because He was an Angel. [??? See pp47, 2002_08_08-10, where I raged against this claim that Moses "was an Angel"]    June 19, 2012, I just got a link to a video from Achinoam Nini:
   by a group of musicians from a Palestinian refugee camp."I never thought I   would quote Rihanna but here I go: "we found love in a hopeless place"."

Because these things have all been acted out in a state of denial without the Light of understanding being able to come in, the movement has not brought healing. Instead, it has fulfilled the judgment patterns and made the judgment patterns seem more right each time. There are so many judgment patterns in place here

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being acted out in so many complex patterns, and presenting themselves in so many aspects of society that about all I can say now is that the fighting has been increasing the pain, the anger, the patterns of blame, and the bitterness just as Our fears judged it would happen. The most you can do now is move these feelings so that the understandings can come into your Wills where changes can be made.

What is significant about the fight in the Middle East, and causes many to say it is a mark of the last days, is that it is a major attempt on the part of the Father Warriors to kill the Survival Chakra while pretending they are trying to find a way to stop this fight. The best thing you can do is pull your denied survival chakra essence out of there by getting it moving in yourselves.

Hitler is manifest in the Middle East and has been for quite some time. The Nazi essence manifesting there is Heart denial, but everyone has Heart denial, so everyone is involved there. Everything you have ever felt and judged to be unloving has been cast out of your Hearts and into a state of denial. The severity of the judgments determines whether it is manifest as hatred or not. Most of the blame has so far been put on the Mother and the Father of Manifestation for having manifested Creation wrong and for not being loving enough toward My Light. It is time now to really look at the Spirit-Heart Polarity and see the role we played here by defining love in the ways that We did.

It has always been believed that feelings are not loving if the expression they want to take is not pleasant, but you have to learn to look deeper than that. Some of the most unpleasant expressions you might find in yourselves are actually more loving than most of what has been seen on Earth so far.

The blame and denial I'm mentioning now has been directed at the Rainbow Spirits, and also the Ronalokas, because they are part of the manifesting polarity of Creation. They have been blamed for lack of receptivity to My Light, and it has been said that this caused such serious imbalance that Creation may not even be able to stay manifest. We have never really wanted to confront this issue, but it has to be brought forward now

Initially, We wanted to stay with the surface of things and say that since it had happened, it must be alright. When the spirits initially manifested without as much presence of Love and Light as we thought they should have, We initially wanted to say they needed time to evolve into it. Because of lack of understanding about lost Will, Heart and I were unsuccessful in Our attemtps to later bring to the spirits what they did not have at their emergence.

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Whatever it is, I have a feeling I hate it. It's too big for me and I don't know how to change it. Whenever I try, I never get anywhere.

I need help. I need God to be. If God exists, where is He and why am I in so much misery? Is He "out there" somewhere where He can't help me? Is He some great source of life who has no body except all of ours? If so, does that mean He's just the combined consciousness of man? Is He inside of Me? If God is me, then how can He help me any more than He already has? If God is just us, then why do we worship ourselves? If God is just me, then I have no Father who can ever help me.Or is He some greater being on a throne someplace, unrevealed to us because no one has been able to look upon His face? In which case, I wonder if He is as lonely as I am.

I don't like the feeling that we cannot approach Him and don't like the feeling He's nothing but man. I don't like the feeling that I can't feel Him, either in me or near me. But what does it matter, feelings do no good.

If He were all of it, and not either or, that would suit me the best, but no one ever takes me seriously when I try to say it's all of it and not either or. If we had an evolutionary Creator, then things might be able to get better. Survival of the fittest is the beast alone while the statically perfect God sits unapproachable on His throne. There's a gap in here I'd like to close, but I'm afraid to hope because I always crash and end up alone.

Why can't I see God? Why can't I hear what He has to say? Why does He always have to remain distant this way and talk through a few people who say it's His word? I'm never sure. And why does He have so little to say while people I know talk all day every day? Some who say they speak for Him are called prophets and some are called crazy. The definition of which is which remains hazy because some who are now called saints were at first called crazy.

If God's an invisible Spirit like they say, then they must not believe what they themselves say, because Omnipotent means He can be seen if He wants to and also make us hear what He has to say, unless we're Him in which case there's nothing more than what we have to say. I wonder which way it is. If ever a Spirit calls itself God and tries to speak through man, the voice is dismissed as imaginings, insanity or being "touched in the head." Isn't it a shame and disgrace to claim to hear what others don't hear! This person has gone crazy!

How can I know what is true and what is not when so many

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people's minds seem gone, leaving their mouths rambling. Who knows the difference between nonsense and sense. Hearing something new leaves most people fearing , and not knowing what else to do, they say time will tell.But I don't like getting so old and learning so late what I should do.

Then long afterwards, if something said makes sense after all, it's heralded as "Amazing Grace", never routine enough to be called commonplace. If heralded as a grand visit from above, instead of exciting, they make it all boring and commonplace with ceremonies and speeches full of talk about love never felt and promises too soon unkept.

The Saints are elevated n the name of love and it's taught that only the disciplined, studied and adapt are fit or suited for His Holy Grace ; for the rest of us, exclusion is our right place. Nothing changes n the life we live. It's never thought to be loving to others, so we don't dare complain.

Ah, Earthlings, they seem to say, God wonders why you can never learn to be happy just knowing that holy figures, like royalty, live well in some far off distant place and make token appearances to dispense Holy Grace in front of crowds so big you can hardly see their distant faces. They do it for the benefit of you who can't learn to be happy with the crumbs from a rich man's plate and the waves of a hand from a distant face. Why can't you learn to be happy with what's given to you? If you were given more, the gifts wouldn't be special, they'd be commonplace.

Ah, sigh as you will, you must resign yourselves to your fate and repent your sins before it's too late, or reject it all and strike out on your own, rebellious, reactionary, unsupported and so alone, never finding a place that feels right for long, never finding a place that feels like home, shuffling suspiciously, uncomfortably, seemingly irresponsibly and endlessly from place to place, never daring to show the feelings you keep hidden behind your presentation face, feelings you lost before you knew you had them because you hid them when Mom and Dad shushed and shamed you, telling you, you were very bad to behave as you did and have the feelings you had.

"Why, just think what others would say if they saw or heard you behaving this way?"

Your parents molded your behavior to suit guilt this way. They molded your behavior as they saw fit and made you their puppets before you could sit. They waved your arms hello and goodby without bothering to tell you why and moved your legs to

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We had experienced the Mother rejecting Us, the Father of Manifestation rejecting Us and now the Manifested Spirits rejecting Us. As much as we denied blaming rage and terror, we also wanted to believe that more time for experience would bring the evolution needed. This approach has not worked.

The same people who have always thought of themselves as loving still think of themselves as loving. The same people who have always been impenetrable to the Light are still impenetrable to the Light. The same people who have always been seen as evil are still evil. The difference is that there is now so much more fragmentation that there are many more people. The ones who are seeing only love's presence think there are more loving people. The masses of people who seem to be ignoring what is happening on Earth are larger than ever. The large numbers of people that are acting depraved and evil are more than ever and are going largely unexplained in any way that might bring any healing change to them.

At the time all of these emotions went into an intense state of denial, they all received the judgment that there was no possible resolution because it was impossible to go back and start over without wiping out everything that had already manifested. Every time I considered doing this, I judged Myself to be terribly unloving. How could I possibly do this and also be loving? How could love possibly feel like destroying everything it had manifested because it had all been done wrong? Not knowing what to do with the feelings I had judged to be unloving here, they became further and further denied. What love believed it could not allow became manifest anyway in a state of denial.

Red is desperate to move the denials held there for so long. Understanding must come into the ones making these denials or Red will not succeed in healing itself. Gapped rage and terror must also move, because it is holding back the movement Red needs. It is the Mother Warriors who are protecting Red because they know what is at stake here. Meanwhile, the Father Warriors have missiles pointed at all of the lost Will involved here. They are manifesting

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the gapped rage of blame and the belief that this movement must be suppressed, but that is not all they hold, as you are going to find out.

The Father Warriors are feeling provoked and they are also manifesting the fear I had that I might be provoked beyond My ability to control My rage.

Many feel the fear that it is not possible to hold all of this back much longer. The Father Warriors are holding the line against lost Will just as they have been doing since Original Cause, but they are not going to be able to hold the line much longer. What is going to happen when lost Will breaks loose is very much dependent on how denials are being handled by the ones who have been making them. The understanding that most needs to get across now is that the ones who think they are the least involved are the very ones who are the most involved here.

Lack of understanding and loss of faith that there will be any solution other than destruction is causing many to seek refuge behind the line being held by the Father Warriors. Others, who think they see what the lost Will is going to do if it breaks loose, are trying to move out of what they think is harm's way. Both movements will find that there is not going to be any place to hide.

The Third World does not have much to offer anymore to those seeking to escape the Father Warriors because gapped rage has been heavily pressuring the survival there. Meanwhile, infiltration behind their own line is making the Father Warriors feel like they are having to spread their forces too thin. They are showing their feelings of overwhelment by calling for more and more military presence and more and more of a police state while the lost Will is seeming to give them more and more reason to believe it is necessary. The Father Warriors have been incapable of learning the lessons of history, and have conveniently forgotten Atlantis because they have been unable to receive anything from Me since I initially empowered them. This is why I say that gapped rage and terror need to move before there is a holocaust that makes what Hitler did look suddenly diminished.

[June 19, 2012: the last 4 pages got lost, when electricity was suddenly interrupted. I had not saved them and had to copy them all over again. Tedious as this was, I couldn't help pondering the meaning of this need for having to repeat my work..
Having reached the last sentence above, I vividly remembered "Depth Psychology and New Ethics" by Erich Neumann, a book which came to me in 1 9 6 9 !!!!- not in its German original, though German ismy mother-tongue, but in its Hebrew translation! It pulled the carpet from under my feet. Hadn't I - for 31 years - struggled so hard "to be good"? And now this threat: If I won't learn to accept my own shadow, and go on projecting it on "the other", the holocaust, towards the end of which Neumann wrote his book, will be small in comparison to what we must expect, he wrote...]

The Angels who have become trapped on earth by their guilt have retreated, for the most part, inside the line being held by the Father Warriors and are allowing them to act as a buffer zone. They are sending out only a few "Angels of Mercy" as a token ministry to the lost Will, just as they did in Original Cause. The Angels think they are being very loving to help at all because they insist they do not have involvement here. These "Angels of Mercy" are actually guilt on the part of the Angels who have much more involvement

p. 24

walk without waiting until you were ready to try. They told you when to smile and who to kiss without bothering to see if you felt like this. They admonished you often not to cry and before you knew you, they had marched you through the motions of having a life without bothering to notice whether it was your life or not. They did this all because they believed they knew what was best for you.

With a Will not easily found, you're no more real than all the lives you've lived as lies in the great pretext that you're not who you say you are or who you want to be and that you're here for nothing more than to please Mommy and Daddy and all the rest, who speak about it as pleasing God; a God who can never be pleased enough that He'll teach you the way of everlasting life, but damns you instead to the threat of an everlasting judgment day at the end of a life which at first is too long and then too short, a painful life of struggle and strife, toiling for Him day after long day until He sees fit to take even that away, without consulting you to see if you want it that way, and for reasons you don't understand, but which, supposedly, have something to do with some sort of grand plan in which death is what He requires of you to get to the next step of what you need to do, the step where He promises you what you've always been longing for for so long that you're no longer sure how it would feel if you got it; love and relief from pain, the eternal life never found on Earth and never explained, but somehow gained in a Heaven of, let's face it, dubious worth, peopled by Angels you're not sure you like, playing music you're supposed to like, but which doesn't really move you. It's so cheery and bright you're supposed to be just sure you want to go there and be only white light surrounded by white on white on white; too bright, too white, too boring. It's Heaven you're told, but how do you know it's not Hell?

Hell, meanwhile, they say, is the other way; all darkness and suffering without relief. The light and fire there, they say, is either too hot or gives no heat. The strange thing is, the people in Hell all seem to have such character and flair, such a much (sic) colorful lot, to which those who fancy themselves headed for Heaven can't compare.

What put them all there? Is it possible that the Heaven and Hell you're looking at are pictures of lost Will and the Spirit polarity that put lost Will there? Hell is an unending drama of suffering and pain, while in Heaven, there is nothing but the playing of harps by Angels who all look the same. No wonder the characters in Hell

p. 25

have such far reaching fame. If Hell doesn't have greater appeal, they (then?) why does the nation that claims to be the greatest God fearing nation on Earth celebrate Halloween and ignore the following All-Saints day? And why are the entertainments they seek so increasingly dark? Aren't you longing for some kind of balance between the two extremes where you can have color, character and flair and fulfill your dreams by finding Heaven there?

Instead you sit, frozen there in your chair, too terrified to move for fear this, and any move you might make, is wrong. Any move you make might mean you're headed for Hell because ego's a sin and fame and wealth are both the wrong game. Give up your goals, give up your desire. All of you, put on the same face and the same attire. No difference between you means no separation and no uncomfortable competition. The world is dangerous, Hell-bound and inane. Be not of the world! Rise above it, then you'll be sane. You'll be riding on clouds in harmony with the rest of the group. Now there's the right game; no rebellion, no needs, none of life's desires to plant troublesome seeds.

But could you do it? No, not you. You always fall short of reaching this divine and enlightened place. And now you've placed yourself in mortal disgrace and even risked your eternal place, by considering that God might have had sex in His own private place. That's even worse than suggesting that mom and dad had sex in their room when they said they were resting.

It used to be that having sex for fun would send us to Hell. I don't remember any grand pronouncement that turned this around. Has anyone ever said that having sex for fun means we're Heaven bound? Do God's requirements change as society does? No one has ever told me that the Angels are hiding anything in those clouds that we can't see. There's no sex in Heaven, no passion, no lust for flesh in an Angel's sweet face. There's no touching, no hidden nudity, no hands reaching covetously, no titillating going on in that Heavenly place.

But wait a minute! Aren't there some religions somewhere that show God having sex with the Angels or some such affair? Oh, no, that's obviously pagan fare! The God we have would never be found there! They must be heathens; the're all into that! The God we have is above all of that. He can't be the same God as our God and act that way! Nevermind that psychologists say insistent denial means reality is the opposite way. What do they know anyway?

Oh, it's so confusing to hear what other ways have to say. No

p. 26

in what is happening than they have been wanting to allow themselves or anyone else to recognize or realize.

Most of the focus of the Angels is toward lifting themselves above what is happening on Earth with intent to leave Earth as soon as possible. They seek to escape to the music of the spheres while lost Will is screaming louder and louder in the desperate agony of not being received and of being unable to hold its pain any longer. Guilt is all that is causing the Spirit Polarity to listen to the lost Will from time to time because Spirit Polarity has not moved what is in the way of actually receiving the Will here.

If you listen to New Age Music, you may not like what the Heavy Metal bands are doing and saying, but if you are going to understand lost Will, you need to see how the Heavy Metal bands are the Mother Warriors pleading the case of lost Will. Metallica's original and often censored music video ONE is a good example of images of Father Warriors juxtaposed against the plight of the lost Will. In fact, the more you learn to see, the more you will see that the message is all around you, but it is not beng received or understood for what it really is. Alleviating the suffering "out there" is not even possible as long as more lost Will is continually being created. If you want to do the very most you can do, you need to move what you have so deeply denied with yourselves.

Looking at it now, it is exceedingly amazing to Me that what I needed to understand was so obvious, and yet, it took Me so long to get it. There is terror in the Will that it cannot break through the obtuseness of Spirit here, and indeed, unless Spirit moves Its resistance to receiving the Will, the Will cannot get across to the Spirit.

There is hating, blaming rage that needs to move in the Will towards My Light and all of the Spirit Polarity for being so insensitive, detached, disconnected and focused only on what We chose to see, that the Will was unable to get across to Us regarding what Our denials were doing to the Will. The lost Will is so utterly, desperately enraged and terrified that We are leaving it in the unbearable tortures of Hell that lost Will is threatening to push buttons and blow up everything if that is what it takes to make the point that it cannot stand its unbearable suffering anymore.

The Father Warriors are nervously watching this without being able to understand that they are holding the gapped rage Spirit feels toward the Will. Spirit is enraged at the Will for all of the same reasons the Will is enraged at the Spirit. There is much movement that needs to take place here for Spirit to really realize that everything it hates about the Will is only the Will reflecting feelings Spirit actually has, but has pushed into a state of denial because of lack

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of acceptance for them.

Because the Father Warriors' denied emotions have to gain their movement at the source, the Father Warriors are still maintaining readiness to get the drop on the lost Will by pushing the buttons first, if necessary. Spirit Polarity must realize its causal role in all of these problems with which it has been saying it has no involvement.

Lost Will is hysterical over being pushed to the point where survival doesn't seem possible anymore. The only conclusion it has been able to draw from this is that We have intent to kill it. Lost Will does not want to move unless healing is going to happen for it, and yet, lost Will is going to have to move soon no matter what happens, because it cannot hold back anymore.

If lost Will has to manifest its movement in a state of denial without getting the acceptance it needs from within, Doomsday at its worst level is gong to break loose. If lost Will manages to break across the line being held by the Father Warriors without getting the feelng that Spirit is going to receive it and give it what it needs, then it will pillage and plunder, rape, loot and grab for whatever it can get.

Lost Wills' rage wants to rip Spirit's abundance away from it and beat Spirit up for its stupidity and insensitivity. Lost Will wants to rip Spirit's throat out for proselytizing, speaking platitudes and making rhetorical statements that have nothing to do with the terrible reality lost Will has been shoved into. Lost Will wants to break Spirit's bones for not moving to help it and throw Spirit out into the darkness to suffer what it has gone through. If this happens in a state of denial and there are any survivors left, it will be much like what you see on television where the Road Warriors have taken over.

Most aggravating to the lost Will are those who want to make light of what I am saying here by claiming they do not see the vulnerability of the Western Nations to this sort of thing happening. Spirit that denies Will can never feel what the Will has gone through until it decides it needs to. Because of this, lost Will can only vent its rage rampaging. It can never be avenged unless it turns toward My Light. If lost Will does move in a state of denial, this Hell will break loose upon those who are not moving in their Wills. When lost Will breaks loose and rushes over the line in a state of denial in the Body, heart attack is the result.

It is extremely painful, unfortunate and difficult that We have created such a situation, but it also was not possible to move in advance of having the understandings necessary to heal it. Movement in advance of the understanding necessary can create new

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matter what it s, there is always some other view that turns it around the other way. We need help finding our way. After all, what are parents for? When that failed we hoped that was what shrinks and gurus were for.

We can't make sense of anything we think or feel. We can't trust our perceptions to know what is real. If it feels good, it's probably taking us to death or to Hell. We try to ignore our fear and have a life we don't have while guilt tells us we must accomplish the impossible task of pleasing everyone else so to Heaven we go. That's too boring and self-denying to be any fun, but if we displease others their voices quickly unify into one voice that says, "Surely you know you are headed you know where."

If we have any fun now, we never will know the pleasures of Heaven and the fun they have there; instead, we will get the tortures of Hell. Or reward is later, but Be Here Now!

It's a world of despair, but keep a brave face. With the dead and the dying all over the place, keep your eyes on Heaven and the God who lives there. You'll be there in one shot if you just repent whatever you do. What?! We're tied to a wheel of Karma that is never through? Don't go insane or kill yourself. That's a sin and disgrace punishable by sending you to that other place where you're tortured forever by a punitive God who never shows His face but, instead, impowers another to torture you in His place.

He pronounced Himself fit to pass judgment on you for intentionally breaking rules He assumed you knew; rules that somehow take all the life out of life and reduce existence on Earth to struggle and strife, which, if borne cheerfully for all of your life, gives you a pass into Heaven where you can be pale and unreal with all the others, who, with such religious zeal, proclaim the greatness of His Holy Name and sing praises all day to add to His Holy Fame, until one day, you finally feel so fed up when you say, "Father God, Father God,Father God be praised." You go on to say, "I'm so sick of hearng Father God, Father God, Father God be praised that I almost don't want to hear it anymore. What about mothers? What are mothers for? Isn't there a mother part of God? Otherwise, what do I have two parens for? Where is my Mother in Heaven who is equal to my Father's Holy Name?"

Why, just down the hall, having sex in a bedroom locked away from us all. Our Holy Mother found our Holy Father to be lacking and took another lover; something our Holy Father took great pains not to let us discover. At first we thought we had a mother, then He told us the Divine Will was His and there had never been

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another. He told us not to talk or ask about Mother anymore.

But don't miss Mommy, it will be alright. Daddy's here, even if he doesn't have sympathy for our fight, hear us and wake up when we call in the night, or have Mommy's soft voice or soft touch, or cuddle us near very much. Did Mommy go away, or die and leave us here?

He called Her presence, or lack of it, His Divine Will. He said our Mother just went away, but we heard Him banish Her and then never say that He did it. We all have to be good and not question Him anymore or He might banish us the same way.

He frightens us all with stories He tells of a dark, fiery place that He calls Hell. This must be where Mommy is , but we can't be sure. He said the way to Her room is a long and narrow passageway fraught with things we can't handle along the way; things that would make us too scared if we went that way. He said we might even get squeezed to death if we try to go Her way. He said this was so because it was not Her intent to open the way. She didn't want us to see Her actng the way that She was when she went that way. He said She abandoned us, just left us there and didn't care. He said She just fell away and left us there. We're too scared to look for Her and He said not to or we might fall away from Him the same way. But, it doesn't matter; we fell away from Him anyway.

He said She was hurting Him and was hurting us too, He said a Divine Mother She was not, and not even a mother, and that's why we were not to try to pass through that narrow way that leads to Her door. We were not to take after Her or go Her way. We must stay with Him and we'd understand some day why it was good that She went away.

Then He sent us out to play, telling us not to cry or weep for a Mother no one in their right mind could keep. A Mother lost whom we barely knew. He said not to dwell on Her and in a little while the memory of Her would all go away.

But we felt really sad and could not really play. We moped around day after day until we all looked very muddy and gray. Instead of sympathy, we heard our Father say, "I am not pleased with you all looking that way." So we had to get up and pretend to play. We had to smile and look a certain way, and pretend to have fun to this very day.

At first, Father told us our Mother would return someday, but the things He did soon made it look like He felt another way. He had Mother's name removed from all of the pages of history and

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problems that are unforeseen at the outset. It is also true that understandings cannot all be gained in advance of the movement that creates experience.

It is the Will's role, in an undenied state, to feel the situation for Us and tell Us whether we are willing to risk having the experience or not. This is what healing must bring to Us; but this is something We have never had because of Our initial problems.

Spirit must take responsibility for the way It handled things It did not like feeling in the Will. Spirit did not allow the Will here and abandoned It, thereby disconnecting from the rage Spirit felt about what was perceived to be stubborn opposition from the Will. From this place of gapped rage, Spirit gave nothing to the Will and secretly delighted in the suffering this caused while also being able to disclaim responsibility for it by being able to say, "I'm not doing anything," when it was precisely the 'not doing anything" that was causing the Will's pain.

Spirit has tried to pretend all along that It is more conscious than It really is, and has done this by telling the Will It has not been giving the right reflection here. Guilt is most of the reason the Will held back and did not press the issue, but gapped rage drastically amplified the problem when Spirit allowed it to force the Will to hold whatever Spirit did not want to see or feel. This has cost Us a lot in terms of gaining the understandings needed and in terms of the suffering that has already taken place; and yet, the emotional charge here is so immense it cannot be gone past in favor of the understandings being given now.

Most of the time the healing process is going to take is going to be spent dissipating the charge that has built up here. It is simply not enough for Spirit to say, "Well, I am here now," as though that has the power to brush aside all of the backlog of suffering. It is lacking compassion, and the truth of the matter is that no matter how much Spirit wants to claim It is present for the Will, It is not present for the Will, It is not present wherever It is not vibrating in response to the Will.

The gapped rage that has been holding the Will down represents an enormous amount of lost consciousness, lost power and lost vibration. It is a terrible area to have to go into, but it is necessary. There is no other way out. You cannot go up anymore because too much of you is already chained in darkness. If you want to go up, you are going to have to go down first and get your own lost Will. You are going to find that unless you go down and get your lost Will, you are not going to survive.

You are already dying of asphyxiation, or loss of ability to

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vibrate whether or not you have noticed it yet. You are terrifed to go down into the darkness you believe you cannot vibrate but you are hiding this terror in belief systems that say it is not necessary. You are trapped and are avoiding it by saying you can leave, you do leave, you are going to leave or you are having such a good time, you don't want to leave. The truth of the matter is you are unable to move up into the Light you need to nourish you. You are caught in between; afraid to go down and unable to come up. Where you are, you are unable to breathe the air, drink the water or assimilate the food. In short, you can't get nourished. You are in a state of terror but your terror is in a state of denial.

Guilt and Love mixed together stopped Me from totally destroying the parts of Creation I hated so much . This is also what stopped the Mother from destroying what She hated. Heart and Body are also involved here. They also hated Spirit and Will for the imbalance We were causing in Them. They shoved this into a state of denial, believing it was wrong to blame Us for Their problems. Even though They will come into balance as Spirit and Will do, They still need to move what They have been holding back for so long in order to move along with Us.

Hatred is not love in the sense that it feels nothing that love feels, and yet, people say that love and hatred are very close together. This statement is based more on the observation of how love turns into hatred than the other way around.What needs to be understood in this healing is how to go into hatred and turn it back into love by expanding your definition of what love is until all the feelings you have are included and the feeling in them is one of lovingness. Love is not a matter of what you say and do; it is a matter of how it feels when you say and do it.

Lost Will moving without understanding has caused some of the greatest devastation in history. Spirit Polarity has been seen as the victim of this rather than as causal here, but Spirit Polarity was only able to look as perfect as It did by virtue of what It was allowing to drop away from Itself and into the lost Will. The gap between the lost Will and the Spirit has been filled with guilt and darkness which has kept both sides apart. As a result both sides have been unable to receive One another, but They have also been unable to kill One another as thoroughly as They might have otherwise.

"Without guilt," My fear told Me, "there would be no Mother left to heal, and no Body either for that matter."

Even now, Their situation is so perilous, we are not a moment too soon in trying to save Them.

"Guilt did not hold You back well enough," the Mother an-

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made her disappearance into a great mystery. Everyone got so used to the blank spot where she used to be that it became something we could no longer see. He said we'd forget about Her in time and that we had to understand it was better that way. She isn't there now and She wasn't before, Her place just isn't there anymore.

Did this mean She left us for good or died and would never come back? Did She want it this way? He never explaiined. He just said Divine Will was His Will and from now on, it was always that way. He said there never was anyone else around and any evidence that was ever found of a Mother in Heaven He would deny as an unfounded lie. Her place was diminished to that of mothers on Earth of uncertain worth and the great Mother was then nothing more than the Earth where we live right now. Nevermind memories of any time before.

He found mothers on Earth for Himself too sometimes, and used them for sons whom He called prophets from time to time. He never called these mothers, or the daughters they had, prophets the same way. If one of them ever did claim to say something in His name, her word was not heard or received the same way. No religion sprang forth from what she had to say.. More often, by far, than not, she was burned as a witch or otherwise horribly killed n an attempt to discredit her and to turn people away from the impact of what she had to say. Her painful self-sacrifice was what she deserved. It did not make her a martyr, a Saint or a Savior the same way as the male prophets who suffered this way. Instead, Her memory was pushed away; except for St. Joan who dressed up like a man and made her mark that way, and a few others who really had nothing to say, but just served Father and let Him have it His way.

Father said these prophets were to lead us because we had lost our way, but wasn't it He who sent us away? He acts like He doesn't hear me and instead continues to say we're all bad children who wandered away and won't listen to what He has to say, won't do as He wants and please Him that way, but because He's so merciful and full of love, He lectures us endlessly from Heaven above. He's not a bad teacher, we're just stubborn or dumb. He never comes close enough to see what's wrong by feeling the pain or our broken Heart Song.

Our fathers on Earth lecture us endlessly too and never see into the things that we do to understand why we do what we do. We try and we try, but we're never good enough. When we're

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angry, we say that we've really had enough, but unless we're really mad, we can't really leave home, because it's really too sad that we're so alone and not nearly so tough as we've made it appear since that day so long ago when our Father told us to disappear, or rather, to go out and play, but we knew he was really sending us away and wouldn't be calling us back in at the end of the day.

We try and we try, but we're never good enough. we never can do what the prophets say well enough. Let go of your Wills, let your Father's Will be done. When we think of it, all we can think of is how He tortured His favorite Son. What's He going to do to us if this is what He's required of His most favorite One? And all the rest of us are still in a mess even though His favorite Son did His best to rescue us. If suffering and torture are what He requires to be close to Him, I'd just as soon settle for something less.

Still, our Father says, no matter how hard it is, we still must try to do as He says, for the way is straight and narrow. If we do not succeed, try and try again. That way, maybe He'll forgive us some day and save us from the terrible fate that otherwise awaits. Many are called and few are chosen. It's a competitive race for the gift of God's grace and second place is the best any of us could hope to do because Father already has a favorite Son. Nevermind if it gets vicious. Be gracious even if this gets you pushed away. It's only sibling rivalry. Don't children come into that naturally?

But wait a minute! Isn't it the other way around? Isn't suffering and torture where Hell is foud? Isn't the narrow way the way away from Him? He said not to question Him. He said we sought to know things we weren't supposed to know. Because of that, apparently, we can never be blessed. We always have to be put to the test. All this judgment against me makes me feel mad. It makes me want to put my head in the sand. Are we so very bad, so ignorant or dumb? What is it going to take to make up for a past I can't remember and so probably took place before I was born there.

Are we good enough now to come to Heaven and rest? I guess not because I always feel compared and I never feel chosen or like I'm the best. I'm never good enough, I'm always made to feel like something less than Heaven sent, Heaven blessed or Heaven bound.

I hope I have a Father in Heaven who is sending help, but mostly, I think not, because all I ever see around me is more and more human disease and misery, as though there is nothing worth rewarding in all that He sees. If He requires this, why is it never

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swers, "because You have been so busy denying Your guilt that Your gapped rage had access to Us all along."

The Mother is not wrong here. Guilt is going to move back without a problem compared to the problem We are going to have with denied guilt. Denied guilt is more cruel than guilt and has led the Will into the most painful deaths ever experienced, while claiming it was love doing this.

Gapped rage has been the enforce of many thngs that I, in My guilt, would not allow Myself to openly enforce in Creation. Gapped rage came forth in the form of the Father Warriors to enforce all of the things I feared it would be too unloving of Me to enforce. This rage has not had guilt. It has had denied guilt and has set itself up as "the authority that is right."

The Will essence that feared It was wrong to feel as It did, took in the guilt that allowed the Father Warriors to blame It. You do not need to be a Father Warrior to have gapped rage. You are more likely to have gapped rage move in you if you are not a Father Warrior. The FatherWarriors are the form this rage has taken on for the many who have denied it out of themselves. The Mother Warriors, on the other hand, finally emerged as the Mother's response to feeling Her life so threatened by My gapped rage that She had to move in response to it. Survival terror is what both of these Orders of Spirits hate the most and both have killed to avoid it.

I am giving now some understandings now because lost Will cannot move without them, but I cannot give very many. More understanding is not necessarily better because understandings cannot be seen for what they really are unless you move the emotions involved. Understandings that aren't given in response to the Will's movement to receive them might as well be guilt or anything else because they are not relevant to the situation.

You cannot go past emotions and find healing. For example, if you tell yourself you should not be angry at someone because you already know it is not their fault, you cannot move the blaming rage you feel and have been holding back for so long. If you change your behavior toward them based on some understanding your mind has received, your emotional body is still vibrating the same. Because the role of emotions has been so ignored, there are many people who think they can take a negative energy and convert it into a positive energy when in actuality they aren't doing anything but mind games and form changes. The energy is still vibrating the same and becomes not unlike the proverbial "wolf in sheep's clothing."

If you are Spirit polarized, your level of seeming understanding

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may be your greatest stumbling block to freeing your Will if you tell yourself that what you are feeling is irrational or unjustifiable. If you are Will polarized, your guilt may be your biggest stumbling block. Therefore, no matter how irrational or unjustified you may be telling yourself your feelings are in certain areas, you must allow them to come into expression if you want to heal your denials. But I also want to remind you that this is why I have cautioned you to move them first with yourself. It is not necessary, especially in the beginning, to give them to the one who is triggering you, but if it happens, it is not wrong.


THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS

Allow Me now to tell you more about how I initially perceived My life with the Angels. I had many denials which I did not recognize then and because of My denials, My feelings were not fully real, just as now, I am only able to be as real as I can be, given what I still have to heal. But, My feelings were as real as I could be then and in that, I was genuine.

The Angels gave Me great joy, but the Angels emerged without their Wills. This upset the Mother so much She has not gotten over it yet. When the Angels emerged without their Wills, I immediately made excuses for this and put the Mother in the position, by reflecting guilt to Her about the feelings She had, that did not allow Her to find acceptance for Her feelings or for the expression of them. No matter what I might have said to Her in the way of understandings, We had not yet learned that this was no reason to stop the emotions from the expression they needed to have. Because the emotions were stopped by what was presented as a superior level of understanding on My part, guilt entered in where the Will should have been. This is the way Spirit thinks it is giving understandings and Will receives them as a guilt reflection. No matter how many understandings or explanations you might want to give, they are going to feel like excuses and justifications if you use them as reasons to overlook or dismiss the feelings involved.

The major excuse I made then was that it could not have been another way or it would have been. I also said that the Spirit Polarity has so much fear of the Will, they were unable to move toward it. I blamed the Mother for this and said it was Her behavior which was perpetuating the spirits' fear of the Will.

When the White Light Spirits emerged, they clung to Me and

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enough?

Ego's a sin so those that rise up have the Devil to pay. He has the power and glory today. God only saves those who take His way. We're all expected to do what's right. rewards that are easy or quick are the Devil's pay. Suffering and sacrifice, now that's God's way of making sure we're all good. Suffering is what we must pay for sins committed before we were old enough to know any better, unless we repent and let religion rescue us and give us a little glimpse of Heaven sent incentive from their point of view; a place that a few of us will be lifted to if we manage to endure Earhtly existence shrouded in the dark veils of our misery, or as some put it, in our myopic stupidity.

But wait a minute! I thought Hell was where we had to pay and pay after death for sins committed along our way, and that Earth is our Mother. This doesn't make sense. Is our Mother the cause of our misery? If this is the case, loving Mother is painful for the whole human race and acting out hatred for Mother then elevates us to a state of grace where Father loves us because we've discovered that loving Mother is not the right thing to do if we want to be with Him and live in His place.

I feel like a child of an awful divorce in which Father hates Mother and has told us to choose between the two. Then He sends us to Mother so we can learn to feel His same way. When we've learned that Mother is the cause of all misery, then we'll be free to go live with Him because He will know that we'll no longer bother Him about Her.

Hating Mother is killing us all, but that must be what Father wants because death is the end of us all anyway. But wait a minute! Isn't this the Father who so loved the world that He sent His only begotten son, whatever that means? Yes, to save us all, except for those who refuse to believe this nonsense makes sense. But don't question Father, He places questioners lower than second best.

What have I ever done to deserve all of this confusion, blame and pain? I can't remember when or where Original Sin took place so it must be before I was there. Nonetheless, it's supposed to be fair that the sins of the parents will be visited upon the children no matter how innocent or fair. The Church accepts a God who thinks this is fair, but reincarnation isn't acceptable there. So, I'm paying for sins I didn't commit, but don't worry, Jesus is a Savior sent to rescue me, nevermind fairies, elves or magic spells. If only I could get past the feeling that it's all a big crock of shit and repent like the sinner I surely must be, the sinner I'm not supposed to be, and see

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that the good I'm supposed to be is good enough for me and something I can find pleasant to be.

I have the Devil to pay for anything good that I get, my reward is in Heaven after I get there by being good here, which I can never be because I'm a sinner already that reaps what he sows, but Karma is fair and good guys don' suffer, it just looks that way. Can't you see why I'm having a fit?

We can't make sense of anything here. We're ungrateful for what we have and if we don't have what we want, then it must not be right for us; we must be too greedy. People who live as we want to are magazine fare and we're left wondering where we can find the sort of happiness pictured there; happiness that eludes us and can't be found, but lures us to chase it into a future that ages us before we can turn round. Before we can start to realize what we need to know to live life the way we wanted to, we're too old. When others succeed, we always wonder how they have done it, what they know that we don't know and what they've been told that we weren't told. What would happen to us if we tried to do as others have done? Sometimes, after we've given up hope and desire, something we wanted long ago comes our way. "Too little, too late," is what I have to say.But then, whoever said life is fair.

Something feels wrong but we're told we can't change it. All it is really our job to do is to stop feeling dissatisfied, so we chant and sing praises to Father all the longer and louder. We sing His praises to the sky everyday, hoping that somehow, we will please Him this way. We sing refined and rehearsed, we sing with spontneous outburst, but no matter, we never hear from Him, and we are still left to live like we're cursed, with death or reward no matter what we do. We're never told all the while we're alive whether or not we can expect anything other than the worst at the end. Instead, we all have to live like no matter how good we are, we can never be sure it's good enough, and die in denial and dread of what judgment will be pronounced on our head once we're dead; pronounced on our head once we survive being dead.

Death kills us, but we're supposed to believe we survive. How we survive something that kills us, I really don't know, but we're told to take it on faith and not to show we don't believe it. Body doesn't go to Heaven, it's just something to shed, or so we're told. I guess we just have a body so we can learn not to want one. That way, when we finally shed it, we can shed along with it all of Body's dreadful desire, passion, lust and ways of sin to which we are not supposed to give in.

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would not even move away from Me enough for the Mother and I to continue what We had , previous to their emergence, viewed as Our normal relationship. The Angels said it was because they were so like Me, they could not move away. Some were saying they could not move away because they were just Me allowing different aspect of Myself to personify through them. [sic]

In the beginning, I thought I was willing to accept this because I saw the truth in it, even if that was not all there was, but the Mother never liked it. She already thought this did not feel right. She felt enraged to have a bunch of spirits who knew nothing about manifested existence come forth and proclaim to Us that they were Me already, as though this meant they had nothing to learn from Us and did not need to move back in any way that would allow Us to live Our own Lives. She felt that if they were Me already, they would at least know enough to have a relationship with their own Wills.

At first, I felt willing to let the Spirit Polarity have a time of this and told the Mother they would all grow up in time and then She and I would resume Our normal relationship. I wanted to let the Spirit Polarity have a time of saying and believing anything they wanted to about themselves because I did not believe it was right to tell newly emerged spirits what they were and weren't before they had a chance to find out for themselves.

The Mother agreed with Me in principle, but then Her emotions would take over and She would want to tell the spirits exactly what She thought of Them. I pressured Her to hold back. I thought She was being too quick when She wanted to tell the spirits what I thought they needed to discover on their own. I thought She had no patience with them and that Her insights were presented too much like strikes against the spirits that they wouldn't be able to accept.

When the Mother was furious over this, I viewed Her as a bad Mother who was unwilling to give the children the time they needed. I told Her that in time, the Spirit Polarity would get over its fear and mature enough to embrace their own Wills.

The Mother wanted to say, "What am I supposed to do in the meantime, forego My relationship with You and My need for You and give it all to them? Am I supposed to make up for them not having Wills? And if not, then what is going to create the balance necessary here?"

Instead, guilt caused the Mother to try to believe Me because She thought it was necessary to give as much space for the emerging spirits to learn as We had had to give Ourselves.

"After all," I chided Her, "look at how frightened I was of You

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in the beginning. I did not embrace You initially, I pushed You away."

Since the Mother had never been able to resolve it with Herself why I had pushed Her away, She had guilt over the feelings She had, especially, when I judged Her the way I did, and so, She did not move Her feelings very openly. Inside of Herself, she had a substantial belief it was wrong that the Angels had emerged without their Wills. She could not come to peace with the Angels claiming, on the one hand, they were Me already and on the other hand, being granted the space and privilege of being children who were allowed to take Her place of closeness with Me under the guise of needing to learn from Me.

The Mother did not see how they were going to learn from Me when I was making them appear to be right by denying My Will in favor of them. It seemed obvious to Her that the Angels were not accepting of Her or of Her relationship to Me. The more space I made in Myself for this, the less space She saw there for Her and the worse she saw Her situation getting. Underneath all of this, the Mother had a feeling of being punched and pushed away by the Angels which She could not explain.

Except for the time She raged at the Ancient Ones, She did not allow Herself to move much of Her feelings toward the Spirit Polarity. Instead, She moved against Herself here by constantly pressuring Herself to feel other than the way She really felt and to do other than what She really felt like doing with the emerging spirits.

The Mother wanted to rage at the emerging spirits and blow them into what She considered to be their own right places since they wouldn't go there on their own. She saw the White Light Spirits' own right places as being those of moving out into Creation, with their own Wills opening the space for them to do it. This would enable Her to retake what She considered to be Her right place at my side.

The Mother felt that in spite of all the excuses being made for the Angels, something was really wrong here. When the Ancient Ones emerged, we had all shared the feeling of not liking them and We had given the response We felt was necessary, but I also had feelings of love I wanted to express and I no longer wanted to allow anything else to surface. I did not realize the Mother had not given all of Her response because of the guilt involved. I did not even realize the guilt involved in the position I had taken.The Ancient Ones were giving Me the impression that My problems with them were solved, and I wanted to let it go at that.

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But wait a minute! Didn't Jesus take His body to Heaven with Him? Maybe it's true what they say, that Jesus was not a man, because I don't think I ever can do it.

Nevermind, says the church, Jesus was a special one; forget that He said you all can do what He had done. It's only spirit that lives, so let the flesh fall away. Nevermind that body wants to have the only fun that it can. [sic] Give it a stern reprimand, learn to make it obey your every command, that's the only way to be sure you can make it pay and pay everyday for your ticket to a place where it can't come in. If you want eternal life to begin, make sure you know that the ways of Body are sin.

But wait a minute, didn't Jesus say that Body is our temple and the way lies within? Doesn't that mean Body is a holy place and that we must learn to make a place for God's light within?

Whenever I cannot make sense of things, the teachers tell me it's me. Some say I should quit questioning and some say my grasp of this is too shallow or slow and that is why I don't really know how to let go and find out how great it is to live to die and die to live. Why it's supposed to be just like breathing out and breathing in. Praise God and unto Him all things we should give, or the nearest emissary that intercedes for you. Praise Him who loves us enough to allow us to die to live.

What I want to know is, if I am too slow, isn't there some slower pace and some right place love has made for me to go that will teach me at the speed at which I can go; a place where I won't get punished for what I don't know? Isn't there someone who will say it is alright for me to go at the speed at which I can go? I want to make sense of things and not always wonder and wander lost in confusion that can't make a move because I'm never sure which move is right and which move just might serve to aggravate my plight.

Wait a minute, I want to say. I think I remember it's suppposed to be another way. This way doesn't make sense anyway. I'm so confused, but I think I remember another way. I think I remember being promised eternal life by our Father on that long ago very first day, and the life He promised looked so pleasant to me. Or do I just wish I remembered it that way?

I'm so confused, I don't know which way to go. When I think something's mixed in here that's not making sense, I'm told to forget it because I'm not making sense. I'm told to get off the fence where I sit babbling endless nonsense, make a move, commit to job, family, church and state. Don't hesitate or life will pass you by

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and you'll never catch up no matter how hard you try. The more I hesitate to commit, the more likely they are to commit me as a ward of the state in a hospital for the mentally insane who can't get a rip on the life of the sane.

God loves us enough to give us advice, but then, He doesn't appear to even think twice about letting us struggle along with our life, like an absentee father who doesn't care about how it feels or what we go through if life isn't nice to us. Little by little, every day, we slip farther and farther and farther away from knowing or caring how to live by his word. It's so confusing we give up the hope that we'll ever be heard, and finally give up praying.

All we can do is the best that we can to obey our Father's stern command. If our Father can't love us as we are, then let Him be damned for we are sick unto death and so very tired of seeking out life amidst struggle and strife so severe it has turned parent against child, child against parent, man against woman and husband against wife, so frequently that many now say it's just part of life. Friends are not happening and foes are so many.

Statistics show it's getting worse every day, and still peple continue to explain it away. Broken families are strewn all over the place and our leaders act like this is just commonplace. It's nothing they've done, it's just the failures of the human race.

We love and hate based on religion, sex or race and imagined favorites of a God who doesn't see fit to show His face, or else doesn't dare. This terrible reality is all over Earth and now it's seeking to spread into outer space.

Perhaps God never was, or has died and left us all alone. Maybe that's why he has never shown His face or called us home. Maybe that's why I can't get any answers to help. Oh, I don't know, I'm just so afraid and all alone, but I can't admit it. I'm so overwhelmed I can't even feel how I really feel. I'm afraid it's too late and I can't make a real appeal. I don't know what I hate or what I fear more; a frightened God who doesn't dare, an angry God who doesn't care, a stupid God who doesn't see or a made up God who isn't there.

It's the truth I want! Oh, why can't He see that I'll stop judging Him if He'll stop judging me?

Sometimes after I meditate, chant or pray all day long for days I think I hear Him say, "It's not as simple as that, you don't understand yet, you must know more about My ways."

He assumes I'm interested, of course, but since He appears to hold the keys to life and death, He has a captive audience.

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The Mother continued to feel uncomfortable around them and gave Me the reflection that I was being a fool here. I did not want to see what She was seeing, and I did not like the reflection she was giving Me for not seeing it. I had rage toward Her that did not like the Mother putting Herself above Me in the seeing department. When She could not come to peace with the other orders of Angels either, I chided Her for not being able to let go of old images, let bygones be bygones, and move on. I told Her She should let go of Her ideas of how the spirits should be and accept how they were. She wanted to insist to Me that I should not force Her to accept the reality of what was when She did not like it and could not make Herself like it.

We both had fear of what this meant, and in that fear, there was an agreement, although We did not have this agreement in the rest of Us, not to let Our feelings move here. We were afraid We would not be able to handle what We were going to feel here if We allowed these feelings to move. IN Our unmoving fear, we chose to pretend that We didn't see what We thought We saw. I did this by acting as though these spirits really were loving toward Me and aligned with Me. The Mother did this by allowing Me to have My way with Her as much as She could.

I was afraid I was impotent in the situation and the Mother was afraid of this also. In addition, the Mother had guilt about not feeling love toward these spirits, and if She were wrong in Her reasons for feeling this way, it might mean She was not the loving Mother We all wanted Her to be.

I was making Her feel wrong, and whenever the Mother felt Me looking at Her like this, She pressured Herself more and more to take care of and care for these spirits according to the images of loving Mother I was projecting toward Her. She was terrified of My Light here and I did not allow Myself to find out why. I didn't see the gapped rage She saw in the light I was generating with the Angels, and when I wouldn't receive Her here either, She was even more terrified. she feared I might be aligned with what She saw in the Angels, and that this was My reason for denying Her here. Fear and guilt caused Her to do Her best to confine Her disquietude to questioning Me as to why the spirits weren't taking after Her more.

When I told Her these spirits were like children to Me who were not yet grown up enough to have their own Wills, whom I thought of as mates for them she argued with Me on that point. Many times, I felt like a Father who must protect His children from a Mother who was not going to allow the children time to grow up before She was going to make them leave home. Sometimes, I said She was

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jealous of My relationship with the Angels and could only think of Her own desire for Me.

When I viewed the Mother as ready to put the children in the street before they could handle it in order to have the relationship She wanted with Me, She would sometimes scream at Me, "If you view embracing their own Wills and moving out into life as something akin to being sent from the palace to live in the slums, then I hate you for seeing My side of the family as having all the bad things to offer and your side of the family as having all of the good things to offer."

The Mother seemed so extreme and irrational to Me, I did not know what to do with Her. I viewed Her as interfering with My ability to have fun with the miracle of having emerged spirits. I gave Her a guilt reflection by telling Her it was not possible to embrace the Will immediately and I repeated to Her all of the reasons I was using, at the time, to justify My initial rejection of Her. These reasons have been repeated so often since Original Cause that they have become what the Will has been believed to be.

My reflection to the Mother made it appear that the White Light Spirits were viewed as right by Me, and therefore, were right, and that She was wrong for having the feelings She had. The Mother wanted to rage at Me for this, but My lack of receptivity to Her held Her back. What I was giving Her here was My rationale for creating the gap and allowing it to widen.

When I handled the Mother this way, She would almost immediately shove what was bothering Me down and surface the love She had for the Spirits. She would be very docile, calm and loving for awhile, and during those times, I felt like I was successfully managing the situation. When I looked away, however, the Mother would move into Her feelings of rage. Although She did not allow Her rage to move openly, it colored everything She did.

"No wonder the Angels are so afraid of getting involved with their Wills," I told Myself. "Their own Mother is not giving them any reason to feel like they will enjoy it."

When the Mother showed Me Her rage, I did not mind it as much as when She frightened the children with it. I did not think it was fair of the Mother to frighten these spirits out of wanting to know their Wills and then blame them for not wanting to know their Wills. The Mother was furious at Me for lining up with the children against Her. How could I say I loved Her and then act like the Will was something the children would not want to embrace.

I thought the Mother was being very rough toward the Angels, and this made Me feel all the more protective of them. To Me, they

p. 34 [June 21, 2012 - to any reader, who was not brought up in the Christian belief system: the sarcastic outcries against the absurdities of phrases believed to have been said by Jesus - will not be understandable. As to me, I , as a child, was so attached to "Jesus", that I knew the New Testament - called "Bible" here - almost by heart, and every sarcasm here soothes the rage which is still in me about those bitter lies and their atrocious consequences for private souls and Jews and "witches" and heretics etc. etc. etc. .]

Alright Father, it's not so simple, but didn't Jesus say it's simpler than I think, love is the way, love is all You require to release me from the mire of darkness obscuring my way? Isn't love the light that will lead the way to what you have promised?

Then why does Jesus have to pay for my sins? How can You send Jesus here to pay for my sins when I've already been loving the best way I can? If that isn't good enough, then what the Hell is? Now you're saying guilt is all that I've felt.

Well, I've certainly felt guilty, that's certainly true, but if love isn't feeling guilty about the wrong that I do, then what the Hell love is I never knew. If you know what love is, then tell me true because I have always tried to do what I thought was the loving thing to do.

And why is it I have to come through Jesus to get to You? All the stories say that You said He is Your only begotten Son. Who are we then; half-brothers and sisters, or illegitimate, unclaimed children of some long ago lost and forgotten someone? Are You our Father? Are we Your children? Didn't we also come from the One? I feel dismayed, jealous, angry and disowned, but I can't say anything for fear I'll be treated like a nut.

Why does Jesus have to make it all better with You for us? Why did He say You can only be reached through Him? He said He's the way, but I haven't the courage to do as He has done. Jesus suffered and sacrficed in more pain than I, He said He's the way, yet now You seem to be saying that suffering and sacrifice is not the way. How can you say Jesus is love and I only know guilt?

And if Jesus is love, why didn't He love a woman in a family's way? Is this supposed to mean that loving a woman is not the right way? Am I wrong if I want to belong to someone and have a family in order to push my loneliness away?

Oh, Father, I need You to explain. If guilt isn't love and it's guilt that is pain, then why is love so painful and broken hearts so many when we try to love and end up without any?

Life with my family is not much better than my life alone. I tried so hard not to, but the older I get, the more afraid I become that I have to own my father in me. It's hard to let myself see this, but I'm afraid I'm doing so many of the things that my father did and my wife is becoming what her mother has become, and darned if it isn't similar to my mother too. I thought I got away from all this when I left home, but it turns out I'm trapped in all of the pain that I hid from my own childhood. Is this what You mean when You say the sins of the parents are visited upon the Children? Does it mean

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we pass on our pain this way?

I've tried so very hard to be different, to be better, to be good; not knowing if I ever could or would reach the Heaven I pictured in my own childhood. Oh, God, Please help me! It's all got to change, but I don't know how to move or begin to rearrange the world as it is and apparently as it has always been.

I'm not comfortable with women or with men. I have no one to talk to about feelings I have. I'm a "rock of Gibralar", a "pillar of society" and the head of my home, but I'm so alone. There's no bond with anyone to let me know there's acceptance when I need it to move toward what I feel, which is a panic of not knowing which end is up.

If Jesus had a mother on Earth and a Father in Heaven, then what is the status of fathers on Earth? What are earthly fathers worth? Mary has Sainthood as the Mother of God, but She was the Mother of Jesus and Jesus said He was God's Son. Meanwhile, fathers on Earth who can't claim Jesus as Son have a higher positon, as though they have a greater worth than the women on Earth, who are treated as less than equal to all of these men. Women got charged with Original Sin and have never been seen to be as clean and as holy as men. In almost every religion, men are seen as more holy, yet, father, You made it look like men are the problem when none were found fit to be the father of Jesus. What made an unclean woman like Mary acceptable to hold Jesus within? Was it only that she was untouched by men?

If Mary was the doorway through which love could come, then why isn't the Mother a loving part of the One? And why aren't all other mothers loved too? Why isn't lovemaking an acceptable part of the One? Jesus said the doorway is love and it's always wide open. If Mary was the doorway, wasn't she love?

But the way women are treated on Earth seems like evidence to me that You did, sometime, long ago say thay You don't love Mother and don't mind having Her treated this way. Does this mean that Mother is only a passageway and not love? Since Mary was never allowed to say anything in the Bible, it sure makes it look this way, but who am I to say that it doesn't seem fair to use mothers this way?

The promise of love called us all forth. Jesus promised love from His Father to all who came and answered His call. If many are called by this promise of love, why then is the way also described as a narrow way and only a few can be chosen?

Father, did you call us all forth on the promise of love and then

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looked so delicate, almost trembling, as they vibrated their light like so many white orchids gathered around Me. Their light was such a delicate, shimmering white, almost colorless except for the most delicate of pastels. They were filmy, changing form in response to the swirling of the ethers around Me like so many clouds in a gentle sky.

To Me,We were like a huge and beautiful cloud formation. My Light in the middle shown with the beauty of little rainbows here and there and lit the clouds with a most beautiful light, emphasizing the form that was there. What could be wrong with this? Why coudln't I be allowed to enjoy it? Couldn't the Mother enjoy the subtle levels of color and refinement happening here? Why was She attacking Us like someone who would rather trample orchids that look at them?

It was true, the Angels were clinging to Me and I to them. What was wrong with that? I was like a new father, enthralled with his firstborn. I was lit up just to see their presence and to look upon them in the ways parents admire all of the little fingers and toes. I was enamored and in awe. I was glowing with the joy of realizing the miracle of Creation.

June 20, 2012: All these are feelings, aren't they? So how can Spirit, separated from his Will, feel all this? When there is no Will, i.e. no Desire, how can there be joy? As to humans who have spirit and will together, isn't it true, that the more "negative" feelings are denied, and even pushed into Lost Will, the less is there (vibrations? space?) to feel "positive" feelings?

To Me, the Mother was undercurrently acting like a mad woman who could not bond with what had come forth from Her and who might even harm these spirits, so jealous was She of how I adored them and had gathered them into My arms instead of Her.

So innocent did they look to Me, so open and receptive to My Light and Love. It seemed as though they were moving along with Me in everything I did, and it gave Me a feeling of being loved and admired by them when I saw them imitating everything I did.

The Angels seemed to love Me so much, I believed them when they said they could not stand to move away from Me at all. At this time, I could not see Myself putting the Angels out of My arms and preferring to hold the Mother when She was acting the way She was.

The Mother viewed this as a betrayal on My part. As She saw it, she had given Herself to Me and I had taken something from Her without giving Her anything back. She had given Me sons and I sat there holding them, forgetting to have any gratitude toward the role She had played, so consumed was I in admiring the newly emerged spirits and how like Me they were. She saw this as an ugly narcisism.

In giving Me something, the Mother felt She had lost Me and that I had no time or love for Her anymore. She felt I would only come to Her if I wanted Her to have more children, and yet, She

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feared what was going to happen even to that role, since I seemed to prefer the children to Her. The Mother felt as though she were no longer beautiful or appealing to Me anymore. When She complained that there were no daughters for Her, She was indirect. For one thing, She really feared what I might do with them. I avoided all of this by telling Her it was not a question of having daughters, it was a question of having any spirits at all. I couldn't see why She was so focused on criticizing what We had done and so unable to appreciate if for the miracle it was.

I felt it was a miracle that We had manifested spirits at all, and yet, the Mother felt I would not have loved it as much if the first spirits to emerge had taken after Her. She feared that daughters might displace Her, but She also strongly feared I might also use and abuse them and not love them any more than I was now appearing to love Her. The Mother felt She could not trust My love. Perhaps I had only used Her to have spirits and when I had no further use for Her, I would get rid of Her again.

I blamed the Mother here. I said these things were all Her own negativity, and I saw Her as trying to draw Us into negativity We did not want to have. Suddenly, the presence of these new spirits made Me feel like it had always been this way with the Mother, and now, I just wanted to enjoy the presence of like-minded spirits around Me.

The more I saw the Mother as trying to draw Me into experience I did not want to have, the more the White Light Spirits saw themselves as justified in not wanting to open and receive their Wills. The more the Mother's consciousness seemed to move toward what We deemed negative, the more We wanted to pull away from the Will. The more the Will felt abandoned by Spirit, the darker It became, until it looked to Us like the nature of the Will was dark. This has been, and still is, the nature of the stand-off. The Will hates the feeling of being pressured to feel other than It feels in order go gain acceptance and We hate the feeling of having to feel what We don't like feeling.

For the Will to feel loved, It must feel that It is allowed to be what It really is and be accepted for what It really is. To know that It is accepted for what It really is, the Will must feel received and responded to with the same realness It seeks to have in Itself; a realness that freely expresses everything and does not hold back anything. Spirit needs this also. Anything less is the lack of alignment between Us and We have a long way to go to total alignment.

The Mother always made Me feel wrong when I protected the Angels the way I did, but I gapped from these feelings and insisted

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choose only a few to love that you think are the best? Is this what is called being put to the test? Is this why you put me out here with all the rest? Are we to struggle in confusion, doing our best to avoid falling down into the Hell below that is always waiting like a huge open mouth ready to devour us if we ever slip or let You know we have stumbled or tripped. But act nice. Don't panic. It wouldn't be right to push or shove, even if we can't all go at once through the narrow way to Heaven above.

Wait a minute! Didn't God say the narrow passageway was down the hall to our Mother's door and didn't He forbid us to go that way? Didn't He say we might all die of perils if we took that way? But don't we die also when we seek the way of God the Father in whom we should trust?

He told us that Mother locked Herself away from us and that the way to Her door is narrow and perilous, but that He was wide open to us every day. But I have not found it to be that way. No matter how hard I ever try, I'm never sure I reach Him way up in the sky. He said that His help is all that we need, but He has closed Himself off to us more and more with each passing day.

When did He turn around and start to say that the road to Hell is a broad way, paved with sinners along the way, and the way to His door is a straight and narrow way? Did He put Saint Peter out there to block our way with that big and imposing gate?

First, Father tells us Mother has locked Herself away from us and that the way to Her door is a narrow and perilous passageway. Then He tells us to forget about Her. We don't need Her because He is wide open to us everyday. He will help us and we will soon learn that one Parent is enough.Then somehow, He turns it around and makes coming to Him the narrow way, by closing Himself off from us more and more everyday, until finally, we're put out completely, and left on our own to play.

We know He treated Mother this same way, so we know we're getting sent Mother's way. Why? What did we do? We're frightened to take Mother's perilous way. Then we hear our Father say it's no longer a narrow passageway. It's broad now and paved with sinners along the way. Does this mean our Mother is in Hell and our Father is sending us Her way?

I can't make sense of this no matter how I try. If the path to our Mother's door has become a broad way, does this mean that Father thinks Mother is a whore who takes in any who knock on Her door?

When I try to think of how all this could make sense, I'm told

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not to try because there is no way to understand the why or the wisdom of what God has to say. Just give it all up and let God have His way. Obey His command and do His bidding everyday. Give up your own Wills; they're His anyway. Give God your Wills and repeat after me: My Will is His and to this I agree, and His Will, not mine, must be done, this I see.

But we are not slaves because He tells us we're free. I feel like a pawn someone else has the power to play, but if I complain too much, then Hell is my lot, for as surely as you draw your lot in life, I must also draw mine, but gambling's a sin, even though He won't tell us why.

Christians are a mess and the Jews are too, so I try other ways. I try to make sense of other ways for the rest of my days, but they are no easier. No matter how hard I try, I can't make sense of them either. I'm beginning to think all of it is one big lie. I want something easier, something I really can do, such as living my life and enjoying it too, before I turn my back on all of it and say, "The hell with you!"

But so far even turning my back on it all is something I can't quite do because no matter which way I try to move or to turn, there's always something more I'm supposed to do or to learn to understand God from this Earth (sic] as He wants me to. But then, when I die, whether I've learned it or not, according to Christians, Heaven is what I am suddenly worth. One single birth, from which I struggle for [sic] all of my days to understand what I can't comprehend until one day, I die and I'm suddenly worthy of returning to my long lost home in the sky. Or am I tied to a Wheel of Karma for birth after birth, with death after death never finding me worth anything more than another, perhaps more fortunate birth on Earth?

If I tell My Father I cannot stand it this way and that I cannot stand to be away, He says I cannot shorten my stay on Earth. He is the one who decides what my life is worth and takes it when He sees fit. So I live every day as though it's my last, keeping the faith and the candles lit. I put on a cheery, "I'm okay" smile and renew my hope with affirmations said to myself in the mirror, such as, "Rise above fear, look on the bright side, be of good cheer."

If after a while I can't stand how I feel and blow my brains out, that's an offense, and commencing thence, I have no recompense. We have to die to come back into You, but if we want to hurry up and come home, that's a sin.

Oh, God , please help me! I can't go on babbling nonsense and not making sense, wandering lost in a maze of confusion and utter

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with Her that I was right. I always made Her feel wrong for having the feelings She had toward the Angles.

The Mother then held back more and more of Her feelings. She allowed Me more and more of My own way, but She was not in alignment with it. Outwardly, it looked like She was complying with My wishes as much as She could, but inwardly, She was hating Me for making Her views subordinate to My own and, therefore, making Her subordinate to Me. She hated Me for not allowing Her to have Her feelings and My acceptance at the same time.

While the Angels were allowing themselves to enjoy all of the privileges of children, they often told Me they did not feel like they were children. Many of them said they had feelings of being grown up already when they were born. They often told Me things about Myself, and We would laugh because they had seen frm the inside of Me what I was experiencing on the outside. In some ways, it seemed to Me that they were the voice of My inner self personified on the outside.

Because of what I was avoiding here, I allowed it to seem that I saw less difference between inner and outer than what I really saw there. I was focusing on the right in what they said and ignoring the rest. The Mother felt jealous of the closeness we were having, and it did not escape Her notice that I felt I was, in many ways, having more fun with the Angels than I had had with Her.

The Ancient Ones and the Arc Angels especially wanted to impress Me with their feelings of being grown up, and they wanted to show Me that they had powers similar to My own. We spent many long hours together experimenting to find out what things We could do. Many times,We laughted at the Mother and made fun of Her, both for all the things She could not do, and for the many things She did that werenot like Us.

This infuriated the Mother so much I wondered if She had any humor about Herself. I could not see how alone andunloved She felt or how unresolved nd angry She still was over the issue of the White Light Spirits emerging without their Wills. I did not see how dangerous and even evil She saw the laughter of Our Will denial to be.

"All in good time," I told Her about the Angels' Wills. I was flatteredto have so much good comany around Me. The Angels were showering Me with attention all the time. When the Mother stormed in upon Us sayng, I had manifested a bunch of nasty spirits who wanted to come between Us because they cared nothing about the Mother, I turned My back on Her and told Her She was the One who was being nasty and uncaring about others. When the Angels

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told Me the Mother was not being loving toward them, I accepted it, and when they ket telling Me they did not want to move away from Me, I accepted that also.

The more the Angels grew up, in terms of how long it had been since they emerged, the more intense the Mother's feelings became over the issue of their Wills. I was, in fact, allowing the White Light Spirits to come between Us like so many ugly children whose design it is to come between their parents. I did not allow Myself to see it then, but I see it now.

I insulted and hurt the Mother many times by inviting Her to come home and then making no place for Her to be with Me. I allowed the Angels to remain between Us and then saw Her as the One who was unable to stay present with Me because of some flaw in Her own vibratory power.

"She can't move through the changes with Me," I thought.

As soon as I had any such thoughts, the Mother felt them within Herself and feared these things about Herself. Too many times, I compounded Her problems here by refusing to admit I had these thoughts. When the Mother tried to come home to Me and I allowed the Angels to continue displacing Her even then, the Mother was condemned for Her anger and Her jealousy and told She was not flowing along with the openness love neded to have.

I told Her She was trying to put conditions on My Light I could not accept from Her when, in actuality,She was just reflecting conditions that were already there, and I could not stand having Her make Me feel them. IN My unresolved emotional turmoil over this, I felt She deserved everything, I handed to Her. I never forgave Her for trying to make Me look like a fool in front of everyone in Creation, but I did not mention it. I only said She had never forgiven Me for My initial rejection of Her, and that She seemed to want to make Me pay for it forever. I told Her I felt there was nothing I could do about the ways She felt because everything I did only made the situation worse n Her eyes.

"After all," I would remind Her, "It is You who took another lover first, not I. And it is You who is looking bad, not Me, so it must be Yor problem."

The Mother would often scream at Me then that I was the One living in debauchery and did not even know it. I would then insist to Her that I wa living in the purity of the Godhead, and that it was She who was guilty of living in debauchery.

Besides, I had Divine Purpose in My lovemaking with the Angels. we were generating Light, while the Mother, lately, seemed to be in the business of generating darkness. I had even begun

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dismay. How did life ever get to be this way? Please, give me a road map! Please, show me the way!

I pray and I pray but He says not a word, until one day, I think I hear Him answer. I think I hear Him say what I always feared He would say. "I can't. I'm rudderless since your Mother went away."

"Since you sent Her away," I want to say, but I can't. He never listens to me anyway. He's hard of hearing and senile I think. And now our Mother on Earth is nearing the brink of disaster and all I can hear Him say is, "Don't worry, everything will be okay."

Don't worry?! Everything will be okay?! How can He say that? Nothing has ever been okay. I pray and I pray but fairies and magic never rescue the king anymore, the queen has long since gone away and I'm a displaced child, lost in the woods. Fairies and magic have never done me any good. Fairies and magic have never rescued me. Fairies and magic have never lfted me up to brush the tears of my sadness away and let me hear them say, "Hearken to us, our magic touch is healing all that has happened to you. You're a little lost child of royalty and the time has come to restore you to your right place at your Father's side in His castle, for your Mother's come home and this has broken the spell that cast you aside. Come with us, we'll take you, your home is this way. There's great rejoicing, your Father is happy and can't wait to see you! Now that he has regained Himself and knows what happened, He doesn't want you lost and alone in the woods."

No one has ever loved me that way or had magical power to grant a reprieve from my long suffering misery. If it doesn't happen, I'm told I don't need it. I grieve but I'm supposed to help others with their misery. I've gotten so good at presenting a face that makes me look good, like life is alright and not really a fight to hold back the feelings I choke down with every bite of my lip, with coffee, with cigarettes, candy bars and drugs.

Sure, I get colds n the chest, but that's not emotion because I really don't care if my Father sent me out to play one day and forgot me there. I've long since grown up and don't need Him any more anyway. All I go home for is to see if He has ever given my Mother Her right place there and to see if He has changed or has anything more or new, to say about that long ago day when He sent us out to play, all laden with grief we never could share, because He said we no longer had any place there. But He never has said anything more or new, and nothing has changed, so what can I do?

He protected us well from His grief, this is true, so well that we never even knew if He had grief too. Didn't He care or was it His

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belief that His grief was something He couldn't share? We never knew what He felt or what we could do, other than pretend to play in the ways He insisted and act like we didn't miss Mommy because She never existed.

All choked up with held back emotion this way, it's no wonder we all stumbled, too wrong turns and lost our way. So why have we been so severely judged to this very day? And to this day, our Father has never told us we could return and learn what He never told us that long ago day when our Mother in Heaven went away. He's never let us know how He felt that day or picked us up from our long lost way. Oh, Father, please help us, it's been such a long, lonely way. We've wanted to come back home to you each and every day, but we have never heard You say that You were ready to have it that way.

It seems like such an awful long time since I've been with You. Reincarnation, therefore, seems more true. If You send us away for only one life and then take us back, why do so many people cry so long and so loud about missing You in their life and then put off their death any way that they can? Why can't we remember more clearly where we have come from? If Heaven is our home, where is our memory?

How could a Father we at first thought so kind, send us out that way and then act like out of sight is out of mind? Did You want it that way? Did you curse the day you met Mother when you sent Her away and rather than see Her in us, send us away the same way?

Cruel stepmothers abound in the fairytales we read. Are these stories some sort of message or clue to us from You? Do You have a stepmother there with You who has never let Herself be found out as the one who convinced You to turn us out?

The only pictures of Heaven we ever see never show any women there equal to Thee, and all the religions seem to agree that holiness requires celibacy. Still I wonder if there's something happening that I can't see. Why do religions all have so much to say about sexuality?

If the way to Heaven is not through knowing woman, I must get her out of me and not let her back in. Luckily, God helped the first of me. He took woman out and gave her a form called Eve. I thought a rib was all I had to pay and thought myself lucky to be a man right down to this very day. When I gave up a rib and said it was no longer me, I escaped having Original Sin blamed on me. All I have ever tried to do since then is keep myself free of blame