INTIMIDATING FORM

Form has intimidated many on Earth
because it has not been understood.
If you look around you, it appears
that society has power over you in many ways.
I could make a long list here but I will only list certain areas
in which overriding of Free Will is extensive.

Laws are not real laws unless they have the purpose of protecting people from being overridden by others.
Many laws that started out to protect in this way
have become imprisoning because of the way in which they are applied. Laws are only meant to preserve the balance points in society.
The image of enforcing laws is another image of intimidating form. Society will exist without any law enforcement if it is a valid society.

The establishment of a military in every nation
is another intimidating form
that has convinced many people of its necessity and power.
Industry is another intimidating form.
The industry and the military both expect people
to continue to live on Earth,
and yet they have both treated Earth like something
they plan to discard in the near future.
I will not let them however.

2010- p. 134c ["Intimidating Form "]

INTIMIDATING FORM

Form has intimidated many on Earth
because it has not been understood.
If you look around, there seems to be
a whole world full of intimidating form
that appears to have power over you to

Instead I am going to remove them and put them in their right place.
This place they will go might be hell to you, but it will be heaven to them.

Compulsory education has become an intimidating form to some,
and yet another intimidating form is the idea t
hat you have to buy something or pay rent all your life
to have any place to live on Earth.
Add to that the intimidating form that you must hold a job to pay for it.
I have been wondering how many pieces of plastic
people are going to exchange for money
before they figure out it's not real.
If you think I should have the answer because I'm God, then you need to reread this book
because you have not grasped the concept of Free Will. Free Will has some leeway.
I have the whole spectrum of the possibilities here,
but your Will must select for you where you fit in.
I have been attempting to channel some humor into this part of the book that seems to be the heaviest weight on people
because I see intimidating form for what it is.

I hear the complaint on Earth : i
f I recover myself, I still have to cope with the rest of Earth,
and the more sensitive I get,
the harder it is to tolerate what is happening now.
I want to reassure you.
Open to Me here.
Everything that has been attempted so far on Earth
has had denial present in it.
This allowed it to be denied.
If you end your own denial,
it is going to affect everything on Earth. I
n ending your own denial
you will automatically make the changes
necessary in your own life.  
Even   one   person  
ending denial   on   Earth  
is  going  to  have  a tremendous effect
 on the reality there.
Form intimidates only those over whom it has power.
If you have no denial, it cannot deny you.

In saying this I do not mean there is hope at the end of a long struggle.
I mean that this can happen now.
You do not have to heal everything in sight immediately.
You only need to find your denials and accept them
and have intent to heal them as fast as possible.
If you have been convinced
that magic is deception or evil and not a part of Me,
just try what I have presented here and see what happens on Earth.
I will not say much more right now
except that I have completed the teaching for this book
and I know you can do it.
I have chosen not to go into great depth in any one area
because I see
how many people already have parts of this information.
Putting the parts together is My purpose here.

On March 5, 2012, towards midnight,
while listening to Mozart's Great Mess in do-minor
(so far youtubes like "qui tollis" and "Credo" still exist on the Internet...)
I completed copying Right Use of Will page by page
from the scanned printed pages inserted in 2002.
I am grate-full to have had the chance,
to re-study the book in this way.
I'm also grateful, that now 'copy/pasting' passages
and "search", on both, my own website, and via Google,
is possible.

2012-03-05--- 2013_06)29DELICIOUS      DELETION

Table of Contents


THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
    I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BBEN MADE.......... 143
  [includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SAPCE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

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following Me and can't be expected to already know what I know. This would have been alright if you had been real in this, but you have also turned around and claimed responsibility only for the things you have like about Me and claimed not to be involved with the rest, which is a way of saying you are superior to My Light because you don't have any of the negativity or unconsciousness that I had. You have been saying you are my Light while also claiming to be following Me and claiming also to be superior to Me. I can no longer allow you to claim to be My Light when it suits you and claim you are not My Light when that suits you, whether it's because you are childlike and, therefore, not responsible or superior to Me, and , therefore, not responsible.

You have thought being a child meant privileges and being superior to Me meant that you should be God in My place, but never have you been able to be what I am. Yet, you have proclaimed yourselves fit to say what is God and what is not God and you have played God in My place, but never have you been able to be what I am. Yet. you have proclaimed yourselves fit to say what is God what is not God and you have played God in My place on Earth. You have your own reflection to face now in the form of what the Father Warriors have done in place of My Light on Earth. And you have to realize that what they have done, you have done also. I cannot make you God in My place because I don't like what you have done. My Light originates everything, and in that you are My Light, but just as Lucifer omits, you do also. You say you are My Light but you do not mention you are My Light in reversal.

The problem is you do not even know how negative you are in your attempt to insist you are only positive. You are always undercurrently negative unless there is alignment with the denials you have taken in, but if anyone goes overt in response to your negativity you say to them, "Why are you always so negative?" The Will has never gotten anyplace with you because you have never admitted to having the negativity the Will is responding to.

You were there when I pushed the Will to Her death in the First Creation. YOu saw the pain and fear in the Mother that made Her unable to polarize from me in the Second Creation. YOu saw what I had to go through to get Her to come forth again. You shared with Me in all of My understandings and misunderstandings, you shared in all of the planning for Creation, you knew what the master plan was. It was not like you had no example to go by. It was not ignorance on your part. At that time, I was giving you all the information I had . I shared everything with you in the beginning, and I shared it freely; too freely, in fact, because I had the Mother telling Me that it was not right to tell you everything I knew.

I denied the Mother here, but I later realized She said this

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because She could see that you were not using this information as I had intended you would, but were, instead, using it to align against her. Later, when you emerged, this was translated into not telling the children everything for their own good and for Ours, lest they make mistakes with power they were not ready to have but We thought it was more a matter of protecting the children than Ourselves by withholding information. This was not wrong, although Our guilt about this in the face of your claims to be My equals did not let Us see what you were really doing here and why We were right in not helping you more than we did.

We were telling OUrselves your moves were coming from lack of experience and lack of understanding, and judging against the part of OUrselves that saw it differently. When you reflected this to us by saying We were not right to view you as children from whom We should withhold information, We judged Ourselves for having feelings of superiority toward you and gave you more information than We would have otherwise. This only worsened Our situation and made Us feel all the more like it is not right for parents to let the children know everything they are doing.

As soon as We felt We felt We were acting superior toward you by withholding information as though we had the right to decide whether you should have it or not, you would be there reflecting judgment and superiority toward Us. We would make the mistake of saying, "This does not feel good, it must not feel good when We do it to them," and We would try all the harder to equalize everything again. Then something would laugh at Us like We were fools.

We did not understand for a long time the unseen role denial was playing here. Instead, We pressured Ourselves to be more open and did not understand it when the reflection we got was one of you being less open to receive Us. When We questioned you about this, you would say "We are not receptive to Your Light, we are Your Light."

You were present with Us when the Mother and I had Our times of loving and of finding balance before you were born. YOu were there within Me at Heart's emergence. You knew what His emergence meant. If you wanted to focus on the positive, why didn't you focus on that? When it was time for your own emergence, we counseled you within Us. We told you all We knew about polarizing from your own Wills. We cautioned you heavily against pushing on them too hard and gave you every help we could to help you gain the balance necessary to polarize without a gap.

The Ronaloks were all lined up to emerge with you and you gave them your full assurance that you would only push on them

p. 220

As I settled Myself next to Him as carefully as I could, doing My best not to disturb HIm, I was relieved that He was inernalized enough not to appear to notice Me, but I could not avoid My dismal feelings about the emptiness and lack of love I was feeling in Our relationship. I felt very dismal and could not help thinking about how so many of Our nighs had been following this pattern for what was feelng to Me like a long time.

I could not sleep. I wanted to cry My heart out. I could not understand what was causing Us to turn on each other, or why it kept happening when love was Our intent; but it was happening, and it was happening whenever I tried to reach HIm with what was bothering Me. I could not understand why this was making God shift over into looking like Lucifer. I felt that if I could not find a way to hold Him present all of the time as the God I loved, there was no hope for Us, and the fact that I could not do this was so terrifying to Me that I could not think of what to do other than to blame Myself in all of the ways He blamed Me at these times.

I must have been moving without knowing it in the throes of these feelings because God stirred and put His hand on Me. At first I was startled and frightened and then I thought it was for sex. I was relieved, and almost snuggled up to Him for comfort when something started up from inside of Me asking Me how I could move toward HIm like that when I hated Him.

I was already feeling so guilty about My behavior in last night's fight and was still feeling so frightened of God that I wasn't even thinking about His behavior when I was hit with this question. Now I felt guilty about moving toward God. Perhaps I was only moving toward Him out of fear and guilt.

I was not quite with the voice that had questioned Me because I did not feel that I hated God in that moment, but the voice struck chords in Me that were making Me feel stupid, cowardly and wrong to try to slide out of My fight with God like this. If I was going to let go of it this easily, I was no better than God. I began to feel increased self-hatred, confusion, fear and doubt beyond the pressure I alrady had from guilt. I began to fear I was sick to try to avoid Our unresolved problems by seeking to find comfort and even pleasure from His Light when He had such a short time ago been so hateful toward Me that He had elicited feelings of hatred from Me and had not moved to resolve any of the causes.

I did not like it that God did not come to Me when I wanted Him under the excuse that it was not right to risk having more children when We already had so many problems with the ones

p. 221

We had and didn't know how to stop it, but that He didn't seem to think twice about these concerns of His if making love was His idea. I even had a feelng this might be why all the children were taking after HIm.

The strange thing was, I had desire for God, but I was not sure if this was right or not, or what I wanted to be feeling or not. As much as I at times wanted Him to let go of problems We were having because I feared holding onto them meant He would stop loving Me, I also didn't like it that He could let go of things so easily. I feared it could just as easily be Me He let go of to find peace and harmony. Perhaps that was all He cared about Me, or anyone else for that matter. This wasn't the solution I wanted. How could I feel secure with someone who could let go of Me that easily, and how could I make love to Him for that matter?

My unresolved thoughts and feelings began to take over here and I put God's hand off of Me. I decided I better not let My desire get the best of Me. How could it be right to make love in the presence of all the problems We were having?

I feared I would be inadquate in His view anyway because He had never made My unresolved issues a welcome part of Our lovemaking. He viewed them as a distraction and a turn-off while I wanted them to be cleared up as a way of increasing My ability into participate. He thought it was inappropriate to bring these things up during lovemaking and I felt ashamed that I always had them on My mind.

I was so frightened, I did not know what to do. As soon as I put His hand off of Me, I feared I had done the wrong thing. Perhaps making love wasn't wrong, perhaps it would bond Us and make Us both feel better. Perhaps I wanted to make love to Him to escape other feelings, or to feel more secure in My position wit HIm, to please Him, to feel His Light in another way. I didn't know. Inside, I felt Myself to be cringing from all of this when I heard Him say, "What's wrong?"

How could I open My mouth to answer? I feared He would never accept everything (sic) I had churning around inside of Me, and if I tried to present it, I would just fulfill His image of Me as someone who was too untogether to be His mate, someone too inadequate to be able to live at His superior level of vibration, someone who was a constant bring-down, someone who was to cloying, someone who was wrongly clinging to a relationship that wasn't working out, someone who just couldn't be what He wanted.

p. 222

as much as was necessary and that you would listen to them and be responsive to what they were experiencing. The Mother was in labor, Heart, Body, and I were a highly attuned delivery team, ready and able to take the time and give the attention necessary. We wanted to provide the best circumstances We possibly could for the birth of the Angels.

You had given Us the fullest agreement I thought it was possible to have that your Wills would be allowed to polarize away from you as they could handle it, thus, opening space for the rest of Creation to unfold in the most loving and balanced way possible, and without the gap that would endanger Its existence. Then, at the last minute, as though you knew moving quickly and catching Us off guard would not allow Us to prevent it, you used your Wills long enough to get yourselves emerged and then, suddenly and without warning, all pushed them away at once.

You had to have had a secret agreement among yourselves or you could not have done it the way you did, but you all immediately claimed it had been some sort of a reflex action from fear that you didn't intend and over which you had had no control, thus blaming Will and Body here. I believed this for a long time, in spite of the fact that you never went after your Wills or made any attempt to heal this with them other than the tokenism I have spoken of already.

If you really understood what the Mother meant to Me before you were born, if you really understood the balance it took to bring Heart forth and hold Him present, why did you use your consciousness to reverse this? You say you are love but you have never made the moves necessary to manifest your own hearts.

I say you had intent to do as you have from the very beginning when you saw what happened to the Will and what happened to My Creation when the Will's connection to Spirit was broken. You have sought ever since your emergence to finish the job you started then by severing all connection the Mother ever had to My Light. I have seen this now, although the Mother told Me long ago and I could not stand to accept the information. My mind was so stunned by what the Mother told Me here that it entered into denial.

I was so stunned, My denials allowed Me to believe you when you said you were not meant to move out on your own because you were Me, just allowing differentiation of form so that I could have the pleasure of experiencing Myself through you. Well, let Me tell you, it has be no pleasure. It has been more like imprisonment in a suffocating ring of denial and guilt that would not move back to allow the expansion of My Light, because expansion of My con-

p. 223

sciousness might allow Me to find out what you were really doing.

The Will Polarity had already experienced the Mother's terror in the First and Second Creation, and they were already imprinted internally with the Mother's experience of going back on Herself. They had no Light to come into them if they did emerge because their own Spirits had rejected them. There was no place being made for them at their master's table. They had lost so much consciousness from having the Light of Spirit taken away from them that they could not realize how to move to help themselves here without help from Me, which I am now giving them. They must allow themselves to let you go and to let go of your puppets, the Father Warriors, who were sent in later by you as substitute Spirits who were supposed to finsih them off when you realized later that your Wills were not gone, but had been taken in by the Mother and saved. In your plan, Lucifer was supposed to kill the Mother while the Father Warriors killed your Wills.

Once you pushed your Wills away, they could not be coaxed out. The birth of your Wills, finally, so much later than expected, resulted more from pressure from the Mother who could not hold them anymore than from the draw of a place having been made for them. The Mother also felt, in spite of all I told Her about having to hold the Will Polarity until I could make the Angels ready to receive it, that She had to manifest some help at Her end or She would not be able to hold space open for Creation much longer. She already could not hold Herself together under the great strain of the imbalances denial was creating.

When the Mother and the Father of Manifestation finally emerged the Will Polarity much later, they could not be born in a place of Light, warmth and expectation. They emerged away from everyone they thought could hurt them, like illegitimate children born of a mother who has to hide what is happening to her, or like the young of animals who are so heavily preyed upon they must be born in a dark, still and hidden place, lest they be immediately hunted down and killed.

Even so, the Father Warriors picked up their scent and poured forth on their trail as soon as they could without even realizing they had emerged. They tried to kill the Ronalokas in the War in the Heavens, but My Light and the Mother Warriors would not allow it. Thereafter, the Father Warriors, or the Angels who pull their strings, I should say, decided they would have to be more subtle and less blatant about what they were doing.

The Father Warriors then pounced on the Ronalokas, like Lucifer had on the Mother, and began the usage of the Ronalokas as

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Besides all of this anguish, I was afraid of having even more spirits of the sort who were overwhelming Me already. I put God's hand off of Me for so many reasons, how could I let Him know what was wrong when I had gone to such great lengths to try to let Him know already? what more could I possibly say that I hadn't said already, if not this night, then some similar night? There were so many things going on, on so many levels, He was going to have to follow Me there and I felt My anger starting to come forward again when I felt that He wouldn't. He wasn't letting Me get through to Him.

If We did not resolve the argument We were having about children, what was going to happen if We risked havng more of them? It seemed to Me all we would have would be more and more problems. The last thing I wanted was more problems like the ones we already had. If I couldn't feel comfortable having at least some, and that night I felt all [sic], of the spirits take after Me, then I didn't think I was going to be able to stand it. I had no close companionship, no one who understood Me or My point of view. If some of these spirits didn't start taking after Me, what was I going to do and where was I going to get the help I wanted and needed?

Everytime I had felt these feelings in the past, I had feared I was wrong, but I was becoming more and more desperate. I felt the help I needed and the companionship I wanted was only going to come from spirits who could understand Me, and to Me, this meant spirits who were like Me, since I was not being received by the others.

I was terrified to bring all of this up to God again and I did not like the feeling I was wrong all the time not to have been able to settle down with the answers He had already given Me. I did not even want to begin unless He was going to receive Me and let Me finish. I didn't want to be so frightened that My mind went blank, or have him cut Me off in such a way that I felt He was left with the wrong impression. I just wanted these issues to resolve without fighting. I hated Him in these fights and I hated hating Him. Then, when My rage subsided, I hated Myself interminably. I hated feeling these feelings.

When God asked Me what was wrong, I had a very emotional response to His tone and His appearance of not knowing what was wrong. How could He have received Me if He did not know already? I felt overwhelmed with despair that made Me so keenly aware of My exhaustion that I tried to let it all go by saying I was very tired and wanted to rest. I was not resting though, so this was

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not exactly true. When God looked at Me as if He didn't like My response, I went on to say that I would like to rest, but I could not rest unless I was sure the children were alright. I told God I had not remembered to ask any of the other spirits to take care of the younger ones in the morning so that I could rest and I asked Him if He would mind taking over My morning with the children.

I already had tremendous guilt about taking care of My own needs if it felt like it was at anyone else's expense, especially the children's, and I did not like the idea of children getting up to a house empty of maternal, or at least, parental warmth and nurturing, especially after fights such as these.

First, He indicated displeasure over this and then said that He did not know why I didn't trust the older ones to do this on their own, and that this was what He wanted because He had had very little rest also. Then He indicated He wanted Us to lie around there together and let the children take care of themselves for awhile.

Now I had something more over which to berate Myself. Here He was, approaching Me as though He was willing to forget last night, and I didn't like it. What was wrong with Me? Why couldn't I be happy and relieved, trust that everything was alright, just as God said, and let it go at that? After a fight so terrible that I winced at the thought of even mentioning it, here He was, offering Me His companionship.

This was something I had wanted for a long time. Now here it was, and I knew I was not going to be able to let Myself have it. I pressured Myself, as I had done so many times in the past, to stay there quietly with Him, trying to make Myself let Myself have this, but all I could do was go on in what seemed to be my endless, unsquelchable turmoil.

I tried to be relaxed and natural, but I couldn't . I felt warped into a stilted self-consciousness which was so painfully obvious to Me, I didn't see how God could miss it. I couldn't even begin to tell Him what was going on because I was too terrified of Him and of Him getting rid of Me to do anything other than try to please Him after these fights. I tried to look at Him, but I could not. I was too ashamed of how I must look after the fury of last night's fight and My lack of sleep. I wondered how He could even love Me or want Me when I was always such a mess.

Then I knew I must have done the wrong thing to put His hand off of Me because He turned away from Me. At first I thought He was going to move out toward His day. Perhaps He was going to get up with the children after all and let Me rest. Then I noticed He

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their surrogate Wills , taking them always down into more denial. Thus, the Father Warriors have always acted out your denials in your plan to kill your Wills, just as lucifer has acted out My denials by trying to kill the Mother. There is one difference here that I must mention now and that is that you saw my denials as My intent and My intent as My denials. You have gotten it exactly backwards and very consciously as you, yourselves, say.

Many times, you saw Lucifer leap on the Mother like a predator on prey and you made no moves to help Her. Instead, you studied his moves very carefully and instructed the Father Warriors in their usage. This is why I say that what I have done in a state of denial, you have done from your conscious intent. When I talk about healing My denials, I cannot include you. I cannot heal My denials without moving you out of My Light. I cannot reverse My denials in the presence of conscious intent to reverse My Light. Your reversals are not My denials. You are, in fact, a conscious intent that is not My intent, and therefore, not Me or My Light. You are conscious in My gap and unconscious to My Light. You fed on and learned from everything in My gap and denied My Light.

If it was not your conscious intent to deny your Wills, why didn't you recognize them when they finally did emerge? Why did you do nothing but deny them further using the excuse that they weren't your Wills. You pretended you didn't recognize them, but you were perfectly able to instruct the Father Warriors in how to recognize them and in how to kill them. You have been doing this, even in your roles as spiritual leadership on Earth, for a long time.

You have thought you were more conscious than Me because I did not notice what I was doing, or what you were doing, while you did notice and used these things for what you thought was your own power gain. You do not understand power.

[August 2, 2012: Indeed, I do not understand power. I keep wondering, where the power-hunger comes from! Since it's not "Imprinting", nor the result of "Lost Will", what is it? I've asked the same question concerning "jealousy", which appears ever so often in the divine scenario. But there I have an answer: "jealousy" has to do with the need to prove my worth. Proving my worth, or - as I called it decades ago: justifying my existence - is as "inherent" in us as the survival instinct, and just as humankind learnt to survive without kannibalism, we are going to learn to find our self-worth NOT at the expense of others, and if I feel and know and live my own worth, I'll not feel jealous of someone else, on the contrary, if my lover includes another lover in our relationship, his/her being enriched will enrich me, as well. But "power-hunger" doesn't seem to be connected to proving my self-worth. - And how is it connected to the advice that appears on the next page: "Move your fear of having power"? I'm at a loss concerning this phenomenon! Years ago I wrote to the channelers about the one single reservation I have of any Godchannel message: the usage of the wor d "empower" ! It should be replaced by "power-seeking" , I begged them, but they did not fulfill my quest.
See the files .awareness and .lovepower. In the latter I find the definition:
"But the One Spirit, the Spirit of Love long ago denied himself.
This caused a 'shadow' to emerge,
a part of himself of whom he became unconscious.
The shadow of Love is Power.
Love first gave much of his Power to Lucifer.
And then over time he denied the rest of his Power,
handing it to Ahriman.
There are many results to denial, but the logic of Power-Seeking I cannot understand.
See also below, Yellow Book p. 231-232

All the Will you have denied is going to move now and call a different Spirit presence into manifestation. This time, it is going to embrace the Light of Love and there will be no place left for you except that space which the Mother has opened in reversal to My Light.

All of this time you have thought the Mother opposed Me, the Mother and I already knew it would have this appearance while She was opening the space in which We were going to have to put you. Once My original bad intent manifested as Lucifer and the Angels followed his lead instead of Mine, We knew, although I could not also let you know that I knew, that the Mother, as awful for Her as We perceived it was going to be, had no alternative but to go and open a place to put you.

Meanwhile, I tried all the other means I knew to get through to

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you in case there was any other means by which to solve this. In all of this time, no other means has appeared and you have not moved within yourselves. Now you have to go because your puppets, the Father Warriors, have developed the means to use nuclear energy to destroy the entire Earth, and, as if that is not enough, they have developed all manner of backup methods designed to affect only the Will, or magnetic energy, in this Creation.

I have nothing more to say to you except that it is not possible to get My Light to change position here. I am already moving toward getting rid of you. All you have the power to do now is wait while the Mother gets Herself out of the Hell I am going to put you in Hell, I want to add, is much worse than anything We had been able to perceive about it beforehand. And you thought the denial spirits were all those other folks.

The deception has been good, so good, that none of you realized it was the Angels, themselves, who were the denial spirits. You bought what they handed out, right? That they were the first, the best, the wisest and the oldest, besides being the most favored by My Light. Alright, I handed it out also, but in these stories, only long enough to let you reawaken to your judgment patterns. I allowed Myself to believe what I was doing and saying, although at times, I was appalled at Myself, but this is much more complicated than I can go into now. It involved truth of vibration or the space would not have really gone into reversal and We would have gone through all of this pain and misery and still had no place to put you.

Suffice it to say now, My denials almost got the best of Me and of the Mother, Heart and Body too, but they didn't. We saw more of Ourselves go into a state of denial than not and by a large margin. Lucifer almost took over My Light, but he didn't. We have reversed the flow now and once it has been reversed, it will not move back, just as you are finding that once you start to come out of your state of denial, you cannot willingly go back into it.  M o v e   y o u r  f e a r   o f   h a v i n g   p o w e r [see above ???] and you will not be forced back into denial either.

Heart has been with the Angels for a long time now and it is not easy for Heart to let you go, but Heart can no longer allow Himself to be torn apart by what you have done. Once you pushed your Wills away and emerged without them, you caused a tremendous imbalance in Creation. You made it impossible for Heart to remain manifest in Creation because of the gap you created where your hearts were supposed to be. The Seraphims and the Cherubims had to split in two instead of emerging as the Unified Heart of Creation. You made it impossible for the Rainbow Spirits to receive Heart

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seemed to be going to sleep.

I tried to remain quiet, but I just couldn't . I thought He had a very off-handed method of parenting and I did not like it. I felt at the time that if He had it His way, everyone would just lie around internalizing with little or no interrelating. It lacked appeal for Me and even stirred feelings of terror and rage. I could not get comfortable with His way, and I then felt it fell to Me to do most of what I felt needed to be done in the way of parenting. Apparently He thought this was the way it was supposed to be done, but I didn't. "Lie around, indeed,!" Without noticing until it was too late, I turned in bed on the fires of My rekindled resentment.

I was quite sure I had turned Him off when I had not responded to His overture the way He wanted Me to. Once again, I had just fulfilled His images of Me by not being able to push aside My turmoil and respond to Him in the ways He wanted. I wanted to be able to be there for Him in the ways that He wanted Me to be but I could not open to Him because then He would find out what a mess I was inside all the time and not just some of the time when it overflowed. I feared He treated Me the way He did because He knew anyway. I feared He could hear the roar going on iside of Me and know everything. This heightend My self-consciousness and My fear. He was peaceful and I was not, and his looks were so penetrating, I feared He saw everything and didn't approve of it. I feared He was just ignoring it when I thought He didn't know; waiting for Me to get it together to be with Him and I couldn't do it! I was failing! I was so frightened, I didn't know what to do other than to try to start over again. Perhaps He would give Me another chance.

"Let Me go and make arrangements for the children and then I will come back to bed and lie around with You," I ventured, touching Him in as sensual a way as I could in My terror.

God gave Me a look that made Me wish I didn't even exist if I had to do everything wrong. He let Me know I had just awakened Him yet again, and in a manner that backed Me down completely, let Me know that He just wanted to be left alone to sleep. Paranoia ran wild in Me. How could I have dared to think He wanted to spend time with Me, or even wanted Me sexually, when really He did not. I recoiled in terror and panic where I remained frozen while He appeared to go back to sleep.

I stayed in this waking nightmare of My whole body aching in frozen terror that could not move while My mind ran wild until I heard what I thought was the first stirrings toward day (sic) of the

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spirits.I tried to do it God's way and not get up, but I could not sleep. I lay there full of My unresolved turmoil and listening, sure I was hearing things I would not have tolerated had I been present.

When I thought I heard crying, I felt I couldn't stand it anymore. I was quite sure the ones crying were being tormented by the others because they had these feelings. Oh, how I wished I had the courage to wake God up and have Him listen to this so He would know something of what I was talking about when I tried to describe the problems I was having with the Angels, but My fear also said that He would not hear it, and that if He did, He would interpret it differently than I did. How did He always miss it when they behaved this way! I thought that if He would at least back Me up on My limits [sic] for the children, these things would not continue happening so frequently. The Angels were very clever at hiding the behavior I didn't like, but why should they be so clever? Why did He always miss it when they behaved this way to the point that He looked at Me as if I did not have the case against the Angels I said I did, or the right to feel about them as I did?

I thought of all the mornings that had happened this way and of how often I had struggled out of bed after a night such as this one, to oversee the children and let God sleep because I felt guilty for being the cause of these scenes.

[August 2, 2012, it is only now - after 48 years - that I become aware, why I never dared to even once beg my husband to get up, when the children woke up during the night. The two sons awoke every single night, until each of them became 3 years old. If not for my soothing them for about an hour, they would have cried and woken their father up and "God" knows, what would have happen then, to me and to them. What have I become aware of now? Not of my usual terror of my husband in ever so many situations, but of my GUILT, that we had these three children at all! If he hadn't known me, he would not have married me. He would have been content with the two children of his first marriage!]

I really wanted Him to be the One to get up with them for a change and let Me be the One to sleep. I felt I had done this too many times and that I could not have self-respect, or even His respect, if I did not learn to stand up for Myself and My needs. I thought of how often I didn't speak up for Myself, or stand up for Myself in any way, as though any move of this sort would take away what little place I had. I thought of how I did not hold My own with God while so many others were blatantly disrespectful and ungrateful with little or no repercussions. I thought of how often I didn't speak up for others who were looking to Me to do this, and I felt as though I could hear all of the things that had been implied and even said over a long period of time to indicate that I was not telling God what privately i knew I wanted to tell Him, or what so many of the other spirits wanted Me to tell Him.

I felt that if I let this fight, and this morning after, go by in the way all he others had gone by, nothing would be resolved and nothing would change. I felt I had to be braver than I had been in the past, and more persistent. I had to tell God how I felt and not let Him brush past it so easily.

These thoughts were rekindling My blame, and they were aligned with the point of view I had, but I was much too frightened

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which is why the Rainbow Spirits have denied heart. You made it impossible for the Rainbow Spirits to realize that love is what they are. When the Mother could not hold them any longer, they emerged so fragmented it was impossible for them to realize themselves as the Plane of Manifestation, as the Fathers of Manifestation, or the Bodies, of the Angelic vibration. You made it impossible for Heart to gain acceptance in emergence all the way along. Heart presence has been lacking in Creation because what happens with the polarities of Spirit and Will determines what happens in between.

All you have done from the time of your awakening into consciousness is concentrate on your efforts to use gapped rage as your power source. You manifested it in the form of the Father Warriors, who, in truth, sprang forth from you like so many sorcerer's apprentices, to kill the Magnetic Polarity of Creation by killing Earth, the Mother and the entire Will-Body Polarity.

You have done everything you could to further these efforts, but always through your puppets, never allowing yourselves to be noticed as the ones who are really doing this. Always smiling and mouthing spiritual sounding statements as though you are the most loving ones around while the darkness of your denials killed any love or movement toward love it ever found, feeding off the Light it found there.

It has been as though you equipped the Father Warriors with Light detectors and the minute Light moved toward the Will that could recognize it as loving or not, and the minute the Will moved toward the Light, the Father Warriors moved in to crush such movement. What you also need to understand is that you are caught in your own gap like masters who have trained their apprentices so well in their evil ways that they have turned on you in a power struggle, not unlike your struggle with Me, only you, in your ego, are not allowing yourselves to notice there is any problem in your well-formed plan, another reflection of My denials.

You feel so happy because you have convinced everyone else, and yourselves too I might add, that the problems on Earth have been identified as Will and Body and the Warriors' imperfect service to your intent. "Not enough assault," they said about the defeat in Vietnam. This allows you to continue feeling like the smartest ones around whle feeling critical of the lack of consciousness in everyone else. You assure everyone that you are working on the problems and that healing is, indeed, going to come to Earth and [sic] those spirits worthy of receiving it. This is another way of misleading others and of telling everyone you have superior levels of

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understanding, which others can only attain from or through you.

You have a great responsibility for all of the problems in Creation and you have never taken responsibility in any way that has indicated willingness to align with what your responsibility really is. You have always acted like taking responsibility means taking a position that looks powerful to you, blaming everyone else by placing yourselves above the problems and acting like you are offering the solutions needed. Recognize My denials here?

Meanwhile, you have a vested interest in having everyone else remain as unconscious as possible, for only as long as the Will remains unconscious on Earth can you avoid being discovered for the role you have really played in Creation. What you have called healing and clearing of the emotional body is really guiding and pressuring the emotions to move things out as fast as possible without allowing conscious recognition of what these feelings really mean. YOu have guided and facilitated these experiences in such a way as to tell the Will what interpretations are to be placed on these feelings, and you have enough presence of the gap in your auras that the Will opening in these situations feels it must go along with you for reasons It is unable to call into direct consciousness.

You have been facilitating the Will into furthering its own suicide and calling it loving healing. In fact, as soon as the Mother became conscious of what had been done to Her, you began coming forward all over the place with Divine Mother Images and healing centers claiming alignment with Her. Yet, under the guise of this, you operate toward the Will more like predators who trick their prey into coming out and then eat it alive.

You were not at all happy, when I shoved you out toward Lucifer; not because you minded going to him, but because you were now far enough out in manifestation that your Wills had the power to draw you toward them on Earth, and My Light was no longer keeping you with Me in support of your resistance to that.

This had already been happening to you, but now My Light was no longer lifting you back whenever you wanted Me to. Your sole purpose in incarnating has been to work on killing your Wills in the name of disciplining them into something acceptable to My Light. You always said you were following My example, but whenever I tried to help you with what I could see were your misunderstandings of what I was doing, you told Me you did not need My help.

Of course, your Wills could not hold onto you for long when you were shutting them down. When you got free enough of them to lift out, you always said it was your Wills' faults. They would not open and receive you. I was surprised to see you popping out of

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and tired.

"Not now," I begged, "Please give Me some peace and let Me rest. If I couldn't reach Him earlier, I'm certainly not going to be able to reach him now."

Blame paid no attention. It pushed forward, right past My exhausted self as if there was nothing left in Me that could hold it back anymore.

Against the wishes of My exhaustion and fear, I heard Myself launching into another attempt to have a discussion with God that did not care if He was asleep or not, or what He might do. I heard Myself say, in the kind of voice that tries to give the impression of being very tall and powerful, "Lie around? You want to lie around?" as though something in Me mistakenly thought this was going to get HIm to receive what I had to say, I did not like the tone I heard coming from Myself, yet I could not stop Myself. Instead, the intensity of My assault was increasing in response to something inside of Me that was egging this on by saying, "Yeah! Give it to Him!"

I had heard this tone coming from Myself before and I hated the feelings that arose around it. It sounded like a speech I had rehearsed somewhere in My past, but I was cringing at the feelings involved in actually presenting it . Had it not been for the advanced state of My exhaustion which was collapsing in between the stream of abuse I was hearing Myself begin to unload on God and the voices inside of Me that were egging Me on with further statements such as, "Tell it! Tell it like it is! Let Him have it! It's now or never! Don't hold back! You might never get another chance!" I like to think I would have greatly preferred to leave this for another time and try to find, as I had in the pasts, a more tactful way to present it; but when the voices all chorused in response, "Tact hasn't worked!" I let them have at it [sic] and my fear shrunk back to hide in the hope that somehow I was going to survive this in a way that would be alright.

God had rolled over toward Me and commenced staring at Me in the way that had made My mind go blank in the past, but I was barely feeling the fear that would have swallowed up My voice in the past. What was happening to Me? Was I finally getting someplace that I was not completely intimidated into dumbness by this anymore? I was even impressed by My presentation.

My tone was already very upbraiding and I could feel Myself being drawn up into it in preparation for delivering the tirade of one of My prepared speeches. When it came rushing forward, I

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was swept up into it.

"I want You to listen to Me. I don't want You to wander off in any way because what I have to say is important. I don't want You to weasel out of this and leave Me with a vacant presence as though I am fooled by this, and I want You to hear Me because I'm not fooled by the silent spaces You leave in order to give Me the impression You are listening. I know it when You're not listening! I want you to hear Me out without wandering away before I'm finsihed and without cutting Me off, and when I'm done, I want to be the One to get some rest and have You be the One to go and be with the children for a change because I don't trust them to be able to take care of themselves without guidance. I don't want them to be left on their own. I want You to become more participatory as a parent so that You know what I am talking about when I talk to You about them because there are a lot of things I see that You appear not to see, or else You don't want to see them, but I need for You to see them.

"I don't like the way some of them treat the rest of them, but really there isn't a one of them (sic) about which I don't have complaints. I just plain don't trust them and I don't understand why You don't know what I'm talking about! I want You to find out what they're really like. I want You to see what I have to put up with from them all day long. If You were there long enough, maybe they couldn't be Your perfect little angels anymore and You would see what I'm talking about. They're hateful, just hateful! and if You can't see it, maybe You could at least believe Me and pay more attention to My point of view. Keeping away from them isn't going to fix it and making excuses for them isn't going to fix it either! I don't understand why You can't see this. As far as I'm concerned, You don't want to see it any more than You want to hear the 'lost ones." You don't want to notice anythng that doesn't suit your idea of how You want everything to be. I'm frightened by the way they treat Me and any of the spirits who show any resemblance to Me, and You don't give them any different example. You disrespect Me and take advantage of Me and act just as oblivious to it as they do. How can You blame me for the way the children are when they all take after You? No matter what I try to teach them, they do as You do. You've put Me in a hopeless position and I'm sick of it! I've had it up to here!" and I slapped Myself on top of My head.

"What do You do all the time when You're so busy internalizing anyway? What do You do in there that You can't look around at Creation and see what's going on without being noticed? I'd like

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manifestation so frequently without having formed any real attachments to your Wills, but I had problems of My own that kept Me from saying much of anything until now. YOu always claimed childlike innocence of what you were doing, and for a long time, I bought it, like a father who coudln't tell his own children were deceiving him because he didn't want to see what this might mean about the children, and ultimately, perhaps, then, about the parents.

I have seen now what it is about Me, and lost Will needs to move now in Me and in all of you. If you want to live, you are going to have to move the great rage you feel toward Me for finally moving to make you responsible for what I could not make you take responsibility for long ago, the near death of your Wills and the near destruction of My entire Creation.

You have a great fury against My Light that claims I made you equals only in name and did not give you everything you needed to succeed correctly into manifestation. You want to claim that I expected you to be perfect children who weren't allowed to make a mistkae. You want to claim I withheld from you and withheld wrongly. You claimed to be My equals, and so much so that you were going to manifest yourselves just as I had manifested Myself; and yet, you had to have My help to do it and hated Me for this.

In order to save your own self-images, you refused My help and somehow thought that by repeating My original mistake with the Will, you would prove you were My equals by discovering everything on your own as I had done. You were furious that I was here first and moved first so that you appeared to be following Me. To you, this meant you could not be God the same as Me. You have done your best not to follow My leads in any way you would have to acknowledge, and yet, you have not made your own moves either.

You have tried every alternative method to My own you could come up with and have gone nowhere but down. If you have made your own choices, then this must be your intent. You never intended to have a Manifest Creation or you would have followed My lead and embraced My Light in My understandings and not in My denials. You were not unconsciously or naively embracing My denials without realizing it because you embraced only My denials. You were selective and very precisely so. You have been learning from Me or you would have emerged as gods in the very beginning and gone your own ways, but all you have learned are reversals against My Light.

When the Mother confronted you about this and it looked like your intent might be seen by My Light, you quickly appeared to

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back down in the forms of the Ancient Ones and became the children who were going to be allowed to get away with claiming they didn't mean to do it, they just didn't know any better.

You have a blaming rage, designed to obscure your own responsibility by saying I forced you into the roles of children by not giving you the information you needed and tried to make you be perfect children who were not allowed to make a mistake. You have portrayed Me as unforgiving here and unwilling to let bygones be bygones, while you have made no moves to rectify the situation. What you have done was not a mistake, it was by design of conscious intent to reverse My Light.

You were relieved and delighted when the Mother and Father of Manifestation went tumbling out of control, unable to hold back all the essence that was supposed to manifest between the poles you were to have opened [sic] with your Wills. YOu were happy to see Them receive the blame for all the problems Manifestation had as a result of your iitial rejection of your Wills. The Mother and the Father of Manifestation loved My Light and you were very happy to embrace the blame toward Them because you have never loved My Light. If you had loved My Light, you would not have embraced My denials of love and lifted them up as the spiritual truths you have always said they are.

You have blamed the imbalances in Creation on Me, and you have said that Lucifer is God in My place because he shared the same intent you had toward the Will. YOu have wanted the example of having Me go first, otherwise, you would have gone first. But then, you have not wanted to give Me any credit for having done this; only blame for anything you have not liked, while you have taken credit for anything you have liked. You have not wanted to admit you had anything to learn from My example because that would mean you were following Me instead of being Me already. And so, you did not learn from My example.

You all made the judgment that to do as I did would mean you had the power I had. You all went ahead and repeated My mistakes except for one thing: What I did in an unconscious state of denial, you did consciously. You consciously embraced My denials and you did not embrace the rest of My Light. When you embraced My denials and not My conscious intent, you became My Light in a state of denial. This means you are the reverse of love and the reverse of My Light. This means you are not moving along with My Light, but in reverse direction from My Light. You are moving away from Me and you are not allowing yourselves to notice it, because you say Lucifer is God in My place and you are moving toward

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You to really take a look, because I'll tell You, My experience is not nearly so nice and pleasant and fun as Yours appears to be. We've got a mess on Our hands and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I can't do any more or better!"

When I heard Myself say this, I was plunged into the terror that I had just made a statement of My inadequacy sufficient to get Myself replaced and feared I could feel God nodding in agreement with Me because I was delivering such a fine indictment of Myself, but I couldn't stand feeling this so I rushed onward in My tirade.

"I can't go on like this anymore! I can't stand it! As far as I'm concerned, the Angels are nothing but a Willess, loveless bunch of vultures, vampires and worse who are doing nothing but feeding off of Us and You've got to notice this before the moment comes when they have sucked up enough of Us that they can knock Us out of the way and take over Our places, because if We don't stop them, that's exactly what they're going to do, and as bad as My life is already, this is not something I'm going to be able to stand to see! You're everywhere but where I want You to be.

"I'm making a supreme effort to get this across to You? (sic) Why can't YOu see it? Why do You always pretend to be taking a look? The way You approach it looks to Me more like You don't intend to see anything. Everybody always knows when You're coming in time to give YOu the presentation You want to see. It looks deliberate to Me, the same as the way You are so good at missing My point.

"Why do You do this? I know You are not stupid. Am I the only One who knows what's going on around here, or am I the only One fool enough to play right into your hands by letting YOu know what I know that You don't want known? Because really, I don't think I am crazy or just making this all up! Is this an act designed to drive Me crazy so You can get rid of Me and go on this way? Is this what YOu really want? Is this what You are really about? Don't You believe Me when I say that I see You turn into Lucifer right there in front of Me? Why do You deny it and say it always comes from someplace else? I'm not denying that Heart lets Lucifer in and so do the Angels, but I want You to see that You let Lucifer in too. If you hate Him the way You say You do, why can't You notice this? How can You say that I like Lucifer? I hate Him and I hate You when You turn into Lucifer! There's no way You can accuse Me of liking Lucifer. I hate Him and I want Him gone!"

I was just about to say that I wanted Him to be the God I loved and keep Me there with Him when I was stunned to hear Him

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telling Me I did not know what I was talking about and that I was not right to put all of My agitation about the, so-called, "lost ones" onto everyone else as though everyone but Me was responsible, and that if, in fact, they did exist, why didn't I go "out there" to them instead of bothering Him about them or trying to wheedle their way into His house because He was not their Father. His children were not afraid of Him and these others would not even let Him hear or see them, and that He had nothing to go on except My constant noise about it, and that, therefore, I must be their Mother since they continually tried to come to Me and that this meant I must have other lovers I wasn't telling HIm about, but that He wasn't fooled by My pleadings, beggings and excuses into believing He was the only One, and so why didn't I just go to these other lovers and ask them why they didn't care for these, so-called, "lost ones?"

He kept emphasizing the words, "other lovers," pushing Me each time and asked Me repeatedly why I didn't go "out there" to the "lost ones" and ask My "other lovers" why they didn't take care of them so I would quit pressuring HIm.

He was looking more and more like Lucifer with every push and asking Me what kind of heinous crime I was trying to perpetrate leaving them like that. The more He pushed on Me, the more I was crumbling into terror. When He had Me pinned underneath Him, I began to scream like I was going to die, whereupon He struck Me again and again. Somehow He knocked Me across the room and then advanced on Me with the same cold stare in His eye that I had experienced so many times. He was Lucifer again and I was afraid I had caused it. I stared back at HIm and the look in His eyes burned itself into Me in a way that I thought would never leave Me, and then He picked Me up and threw Me out.

I was falling and falling in deep terror with everything I held from My past coming into play there. It was not possible to stop Myself and I don't know how far out, or down, I would have gone if the Father of Manifestation hadn't caught Me.

The Father of Manifestation acted as though He knew everything that had happened. He both judged Me for this, saying I was not right to criticize God in this way and also saw My point of view. This was much more acceptable to Me than not feeling received at all, and I stayed with the Father of Manifestation most of the time until God's gapped rage found Me again after the birth of the Ronalokas and knocked Me all the way into Hell.

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him.


Because of the imbalances in Creation and your desire to obscure their cause, whenever I have spoken you have denied that it was God speaking. You have said I did not have the balance of God or say what God would say. You have presented Lucifer's Willessness as the kind of balance God would have.

You have always hated Me for having the kind of consciousness that would question you, but you have always claimed it is I who have hated you for having superior consciousness to My own which has allowed you to know when it is and is not Me talking.

There is one more little thing I want to leave you with now and that is this: If you did not learn from My example, you are not Me. I have learned from My experience and you have not been able to. I do not expect others to learn from My mistakes, but I learn from them. You wanted to be God only when God was looking good to you and in this, you were already embracing another of My denials; that God was perfect already and had nothing more to learn.

If you think it is perfect hurling the Will out so you can be the only one left, and thus, be God of the mountain, go ahead and hang on to your position. All your long existence has been spent trying to become God in My place. You can't. I can't allow it and it isn't even possible. Now you are gong to have to face the fury you have been so long avoiding over not being God in My place. You are not even close. You have made this into a competition in which you were sure you were the winners and now you are going to have the rage of finding out that after all you have put into it, you are the losers. Then you will have to face the denied terror that has not yet been seen in the Father Warriors.

There is nothing I can do about it. You have made your own choices. When I pushed the Will out in the First Creation, I did not have enough balance to remain manifest, and I gave Myself a problem I am just now able to heal. You are not going to be able to remain manifest either, but it certainly seems to Me you have consciously chosen this; either that or you are not very bright, because you are so busy reflecting Light in order to look good rather than absorbing It. The reversal you have put yourselves into is not going to be easy to get out of either. Oh, well, as you have so often said, it could not have been another way or it would have been.

Wasn't it Me who said,
"The first shall be last,the last shall be first"?

         Selah

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FRAGMENTATION

I would like to speak now about fragmentation. It is a very complex subject in which anything I discuss will invariably leave out some other aspect of fragmentation, but an attempt to discuss every aspect would be unbearably cumbersome to read. Let yourself know this: When you have a lack of self-acceptance, you have fragmentation and when you have a lack of magnetic vibration you have fragmentation because you are unable to hold yourself together, which is fundamentally then, a lack of self acceptance for your magnetic energy.

Love evolving had a problem accepting the Will at first, but there is another problem which has caused major fragmentation, and that is Will essence that is not vibrating because the light that came to it did not bond with it, but penetrated it instead and is not loving light. This light you need to let go of and let My Light come in its place. This light has caused much fragmentation because hatred cannot accept itself, and because this light is fundamentally against Form. Therefore, no matter what you do, as far as this is light is concerned, it is going to be wrong.

The problem is, how does magnetism let go of this? by learning to love yourself, but this is not going to be easy since hatred is all you have ever known, and even when you have cultivated something good within yourself, hatred has made you feel you must let go of it. Fragmentation drops out when the compression of this repression becomes unbearable, when the push-pull of such situations causes rips and tears and also when there are explosions that temporarily override the repression with fighting that is more extreme than the push-pull of lacking alignment. Guilt and self-hatred can also cause fragmentation by making spirits feel they must give up or give away that which they, for one reason or another, believe they should not have.

Positive fragmentation aside, where the essence involved agrees to differentiate for certain reasons, most fragmentation is caused by a lack of bonding, or Heart, that would bring the necessary love of self-acceptance to hold spirits together and allow them to know themselves well enough to know if what they were holding together truly wanted it that way.

Instead of Heart developing in this manner, We have, instead, a huge power struggle which is also instrumental in causing fragmentation, and which is beng fueled by the denied rage and terror of heartlessness.

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Even though society has come up with procedures and laws for nearly everything in an effort to appear more civilized, this [sic] is still a terrible power struggle in a world of secret agreements, power plays and coups, murder, push and shove and grab and run, where people are pounding each other down in a merciless refusal to let others go past them unless they are sure it is going to benefit them; and this power struggle is going on, for the most part, in a state of denial behind the smiles of presentation faces and underneath the veneer society has glossed over this, and fueled, for the most part, by the fear that this is a kill or be killed, dog eat dog world (soc) where pushing others out of the way is necessary or there will be no place for you that you want or, for that matter, can stand.

Even those who think they have dropped out of this power struggle and are viewing themselves as sitting on the sidelines are finding that, sooner or later, their places are threatened and overrun by thispower struggle. Even Tibet was overrun and the monks forced to flee, and many power struggles have been exposed in circles surrounding gurus. Hermits cannot even make it these days because there is no place to live anymore that won't demand payment for the piper sooner or later. In fact, if you are no longer ignoring everything you don't like, I would be very surprised if there is any place you can go anymore and not have problems.

One of the greatest problems in solving this is distrust. There is so much distrust here that no one in the gap feels they dare trust another with any significant information unless the other's life is dependent upon not betraying this trust. It is a ghoulishly ugly scene in there, but one you are going to have to look at.

It is impossible not to know that large pieces of your essence are not with you or you would be more powerful than you are. It is not My intent for you to be less powerful than you need to be to live successfully, but lost Will cannot live successfully anymore without healing, and you cannot either because your lost Will cannot. This is not a matter of punishment because you have denied your Will, it is a matter of lost Will having the greater weight in your vibratory field so that you can no longer pull the weight of it with what you still have vibrating. In other words, you are slowing down under the weight of this and it is catching up.

This is not wrong because it has to heal now, but besides looking at all of the denied feelings you didn't like, I would like you to look also at the parts of yourself you wanted to have but could

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not allow yourself to have because of guilt, your confusions about ego and all of the judgments you placed against yourself that did not allow you to keep these talents and qualities with you.

Most people have not allowed themselves to notice that besides lost parts of themselves they did not like, they also have lost parts of themselves they wanted to have but could not allow themselves to have.

Besides the blaming rage and distrust found within the hatred of heartlessness, there is also jealousy made vicious by heartlessness and so, also , a great fear of jealousy which has certainly played a role in denied greatness.

Rest assured, there is no lack of greatness in My Creation, but most of it has been lost or denied into fragments who can no longer manifest it very well because denied greatness trying to manifest in a state of denial meets the reflection of the judgments against it. For denied greatness, this is like trying to play a card game when the suit of Hearts is missing. Often, the stakes get so high, death is the result, Greatness must be recovered by those who lost or denied it, because true greatness can only manifest the balance it needs when it manifests from its right place.

Not only do fragments of denied greatness meet the reflection of the judgments against them, they also manifest the judgments against them, and thus the behavior of people manifesting greatness reflects the judgments denial of greatness made, such as egotistical, prima donna, spoiled and superior acting, competitive, guarding of talents, cliquish, over valued, but also paranoid, frightened, reclusive and under valued.

How serious and even life threatening these reflections become depends upon the strength of the judgments with which these fragments were denied out of the parental parts, and is reflected also by how much the Will essence receiving these judgments believed them and took them in. There is another aspect of this, however, which has not been seen before, and that is the relative position of this essence to the gap. This explains why some people can seem to shove things in the faces of others and have no reversals against themselves while others barely make a peep and become murder victims.

While denied greatness stands out and above others, the parts who have done the denying often feel and look insignificant by comparison. They often have feelings of envy, jealousy and resentment themselves that feel like they should have these gifts or talents. Denied underneath these feelings are usually the feelings

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that have to do with why they do not have these talents.

Greatness is a matter of feeling good about oneself and one's accomplishments. Whatever talents and skills feel right to the spirits involved are the right measure and proportion of greatness and are innately rewarding, but the power struggle has made it other than this. Those who feel they have no desire for talents, or greatness, or the development of them, usually have this desire buried underneath feelings and beliefs that it is not right, or is spiritually wrong to have greatness, or that it is impossible to have greatness and be safe or comfortable with it. All of these images have been greatly reinforced by trying to manifest greatness in the presence of the gap.

All the feelings, denials and judgments involved in the issue of denied greatness are what you need to move into if you want to recover your full presence. Many people feel they do not want to move these places within themselves for fear they will find they have essence that is not really theirs and may lose it or even cease to exist as themselves.

It is not possible to move past these feelings. You must go into all of them first and see how you feel as you go along. If you just allow yourselves to move toward what feels good, there will not be the problem you think there is, but you must know this by moving all of your fears along the way.

What the power struggle most fears is that right place, right identity and right role is not going to be what terror and rage in the power struggle want it to be. What if you find out what your place really is in the chain of fragmentation and don't like it? What if you are not really a Manifested Spirit, but only a denied piece of something else, and what if this something else isn't loving toward you in the way you want it to be, doesn't do things the way you want them done and doesn't make a place for you that feels good?

It is frightening to allow movement in areas where you fear it may mean you are not going to be able to go on as you want to, or you may not continue to be you as you have known yourself, or you may be parental to more than you think you are, or less parental than you thought you were, but these are also all areas that need movement because here is where you are holding many of your original terrors and misunderstandings about Manifestation.

Contrary to what you might think, these problems will all be solved before you ever get to the place of deciding if you want to come back together with your fragmentation as a greater presence

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manifesting as one spirit. The polarization of charge makes it impossible for certain fragments to jump back together and start manifesting greater presence, consciousness and power unless the issues which have kept them apart are resolved first.

It is not possbile to move this situation into a better position in which greatness can manifest on Earth without moving the lost Will involved. For the greatness to come forth that is needed now on Earth, it is necessary to move the lost Will that will allow greatness to manifest from its right place.

If you allow yourselves to notice more thoroughly how much you tend to put others on pedestals, avoid doing so, or find ways to knock them down, you will begin to find out how you are constantly measuring yourself against others, and thus, how you have denied your own talents, and indirectly then, the talents of others through lack of acceptance, but you also need to look closely at the reflection from the gap regardng greatness. The way you see this will tell you a lot about your position relative to the gap.

In order to finetune your awareness of this, allow yourselves to notice more closely how creative people are being treated. They are more and more the "misfits" of society. Notice how it appears that ones who are "successful", in terms of seeming to be allowed to live by and gain power through their creativity, pay a price ever higher to those who have the power to pull their strings. Notice how much acceptance for creativity is being governed by the denials involved rather than by the intrinsic value of the creativity itself. For the most part, creativity is being made a prostitute in the marketplace for bored and insatiable people who must continually have something new.

Creativity is not being allowed to lead the evolution of mankind because creativity is painted into a corner by the judgments against it. Severe and unloving judgments against the evolution of any greatness other than Lucifer's were put in place by imprinting.

This means that any essence in the Will polarity that was struck by this light is going to have trouble manifesting any greatness with success in the world unless it does what Lucifer says.

When Lucifer gets ahold of this essence, it means he has the power to say, "To be where you are, you must do as I say, speak as I say and look the way I say you must look." When this light has penetrated the Will, it is internal repression, but this light projects this repression outwardly also. In this way, hatred allows creativity to achieve fame and fortune by having only the empty form of

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greatness because the Will essence involved is not allowed the freedom or comfort of self-acceptance and love for its greatness. The person in this position is more likely to have a tortured private life if there is Will essence trying to vibrate.

Look closely at the creative people. They are reflecting the denial patterns involved in holding greater creativity or other genious qualities away from you and the patterns involved in keeping these qualities from having greater power. It is not a matter of taking these powers away from those who have them. It is a matter of moving to understand what you have lost and how you can recover it.

There is another place you need to look to get a more complete picture of the judgments being held against having greatness, and that is the people who seem to have nothing to do with it. These people make up the so-called, "normal mass" of people. These people do not demonstrate much highly developed creativity of their own, place any particular value on creativity, open to receive what creativity has to offer or respond to it in any profound way. These people appear to respond to nothing except what it takes to get through the day. They have been "deadweight' as far as movement of consciousness is concerned. To understand the weight of the judgments against greatness and creativity, look at how large this mass of people has become and realize it is the weight of the denials made here. These people reflect the lack of acceptance for creativity, talent, greatness and power. They champion mediocrity or worse.

Movement is crucial here if the leadership and response to leadership that Earth needs now is going to be found. For the most part, creative people are not being allowed to lead and cannot lead anymore because they have become so aberrated by the judgments against them. What you are seeing reflected to you now on Earth is an almost complete reversal of what creativity was meant to be and really is. Instead of the evolution of society being led by true creativity, society is being run by the denial of it.

Most of you who are working with this material resonate with the creative people rather than with what I have referred to as the "deadweight" of society, but in resonating here, you must look more closely at your actual and present position in society. You must also look much more closely at the people you do not like to look at and vibrate your emotional response to the entire picture to realize more fully how your own denials are involved. Those people you don't want to be reflect denied self-hatred and those

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you most want to be reflect lost self-love even though lost self-love may also look to you like something you don't want to be because it has been so heavily judged that it was ugly to have self-love.

Self-hatred has many forms that are not moving right now on Earth, but without movement here, lost self-love cannot be regained in any real way. Your denied self-hatred may, at first, become most easily apparent to you by noticing how people who reflect it behave toward your lost self-love. Usually they hate it while pretending they love it. The hidden picture is because expression of anything felt was unacceptable to the light penetrating that part of the Will essence.

All who want to follow Me must move to find lost self-love and through this will come love for others. The acceptance you tried to find of self-hatred when you believed self-love was wrong because it was being called ego, needs to understand that hatred is not the way to love. Egolessness opens the door of servitude to Lucifer. This is not the same thing as unconditional love.

Those who are there to reflect how ugly, vain, stupid and supercilius ego is are reflecting judgments against ego. They are not showing you ego itself. Ego allows differentiation of self from others and love is the magnetic field that allows you to hold yourself together. The argument here has always been that ego was the initial separation that caused evil, but this is not true understanding. This is the twist Lucifer presented to try to keep differentiation, and thus Form and Creation, from being a part of My Life; expression would thus not be allowed, My Word then would not be spoken, I thus would not vibrate and this would bring Me to the place whee I would cease to live.

When you feel insignificant in the face of the talents of others, notice also how you flip yourself there with the denials and judgments you make whenever you feel superior. You may have to notice this by noticing how you reasure yourself when you feel insignificant. If you do not reassure yourself, then allow yourself to move down into your feelings of inferiority until you find your lost feelings of superiority. Rage usually has them while fear has the inferior feelings, but not always. For example, being polarized to terror does not mean there isn't rage underneath with terror of expressing it on top, and being polarized to rage can have terror underneath being enraged about being terrified. The bottom line of all of this, however, is heartlessness.

Notice also if you cannot allow others credit in an area without feeling competitive or at least wanting to state your own similar

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accomplishments. Underneath you are feeling threatened and are looking for a way to topple them. Many jealousies, fears and insecurities are covered up by societal maneuvers that do not allow honest praise or criticism or allow it to be accompanied by feelings of comfort. The entire area of creative expression, talent, genius, praise, criticism and recognition is extremely uncomfortable for everyone involved, including those who claim they are not impressed by or threatened by any of this.

Most people who have talents love their own talents the most. This is alright as a means of deciding that your devotion to these talents indicates they should be yours, but ego runs into trouble here if you go ahead and judge, as most of you did, that your own talents are the best and the best ones to have rather than just the best ones for you. This position brings a lack of comfort with self as well as a lack of appreciation for others and an inability to allow others to feel comfortable around you because of competitive undercurrents.

It is not possible for all spirits to be the same. Mind thinks it knows this, but mind does not really know this or there would not be such a lack of alignment with this in the emotional body. It is time for mind to stop trying to escape responsibility for its participation in this underhandedness which it blames on the Will by saying that the emotional body is less evolved than mind is and has feelings mind does not participate in forming there, or that the emotional body is reflectng something that is not real, but is only the basic self getting caught in illusions.

All of this, whether intended or not, is just some sort of thought structure on the part of mind to try to avoid the fact that mind as expresser of spirit on Earth is more caught in illusions and in the gap than it thinks it is, and hates it whenever the emotional body starts to let this be known. Mind caught in the gap dislikes and even hates anything that might threaten the position of power it has held for so long. You have to allow yourself to notice what you feel more than what you think if you want to throw the balance where it needs to be with any kind of speed.

If you don't have the Light of Love in these places, then you are bound by judgments. If you made the judgments you hold, you are lucky because you can evolve this. If you are a fragment holding these denials, you may have to wait for another to move first . While this may make it easier for you to move when the time comes because the problem will just seem to be lifted off of you, if it does not move toward love and acceptance for you, you have no way to

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move unless you are somehow able to realize what has happened and find a way to let go of this light and let My Light in. This is why it is such a problem to have unlovingness in place of My Light. If you do have this problem, a good place to begin is in feeling and doing what you can to move the terror and rage of the powerlessness of your situation.

As preposterous as it may seem to your mind at first that you could be trapped in a chain of fragmentation is how much you do not want to feel the reality of this. Fragmentation has been dependent upon movement in those above it as much as society reflects this in chains of power. Fragmentation has been reflected in caste systems, class systems, and in fact, all social structuring, and yet no one wants to believe he or she is a fragment.

Freedom within is reflected by freedom without. The difference between fragmentation and Manifested Spirits is really determined by how it feels and is reflected by a social ordering that feels good to everyone involved. In other words, you have all remained in essentially the same position you were in originally relative to the gap, except that now, it is possible for some real movement to take place, and instead of a massive power struggle and attempt to please the light or grab a place near the seat of power, there will be love everywhere and spirits will be able to unfold into it in the way I originally envisioned, but could not manifest because of the imprinting that was already in place literally before conscious mind knew what hit it.

There is so much emotional charge around the issues of fragmentation and who is parental to who that there is almost no movement, and this is because there is no trust, mostly because of imprinting by loveless light. Fragmentation from lack of alignment is a very difficult and painful area to approach, especially because Heart is missing. Everyone is fragmented, but there is so much emotional charge around this that almost no one wants to notice fragmentation or what it means.

Among other things, fragmentation means being unable to have power over your own livves. The emotional charge around this is so great, because of the distrust of anyone else having power over you, that the "solution" has been denial and avoidance, but as much as distrust of others has hated being told what to do, distrust of self has wanted to avoid all of the issues of the Will by being told what to do, and the denials involved here have manifested everything from dictatorial parents, spouses, bosses and social structures for unloving dictators. Almost everyone prefers to say that

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they have given this power to another without allowing themselves to mention or notice that they have no real way to take this power back. Most people prefer to say the idea of fragmentation is too incredible. Rather than face the emotions involved in such a possibility, they prefer not to consider the possibility of fragmentation or what fragmentation really means. The feelings involved here will teach you much about why most people do not like the feeling that some lead and others follow.

If you have resistance to anyone other than yourself havng the position of greatest power on Earth, or even power over your own life, you indeed have a lot to move here and need to move it. When enough of the rage has moved, you will find that the issue is really terror; terror that you cannot trust anyone else, terror that anyone else who has power over you will go against you and will be insensitive to you and your needs, terror that there will be no place for you that you can like, terror that no value will be placed on you, your life, your likes or your dislikes, terror that you will always be a minority voice in a majority rules situation.

IN short, the belief and terror here is that power over you means insensitivity and unlovingness toward you. There is a terrible terror here and it is holding present most of the lost Will images of My Light. If you do not know what I mean by this, movement will show you. It is the Gap. There is no way to move through this without realizing that the issue of who is the parental part is integrally involved here, and, of the parental parts, who has the most power, and if it is not you, is it loving toward you? In short, who is God and is God loving toward you or not?

You are all scrambling for power positions because you do not like it that another part which did not find you acceptable has power over you, or appears to. This struggle is taking place from the top to the bottom of the chain of fragmentation.

This is a desperate struggle that is trying to deal with all of the problems "out there" and is trying to avoid the real terror. It is impossible to avoid the real issues of terror, or solve them, in this way. You are all in fragmented situations that make it appear that others have power over you. Even the Parental parts are so severely fragmented that They are close to powerless.

There is a terror of being great and a terror of not being great at all. There is terror that goes all the way to hating anyone who has power. The arguments include most of the reasons fragmentation took place to begin with, and this terror-filled distrust of anyone gaining power has resulted in "leaders" who have been coming

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forth from these denials. The power struggle, going on for the most part in a state of denial, with so many feelings about it in a state of denial, has been manifesting 'leaders" in a state of denial.

One of the avoidance patterns is to say that these leaders are not really leaders, and thus, they have no real power, and therefore, are not threatening. Avoidance can then laugh at these leaders and act like leaders are automatically stupid without having to look in any depth at the role they as followers are playing in this, and thus avoid responsibilty, but also avoid having to contact how it feels to realize that there is no way they have yet found to do anything about it. People have generally preferred to ignore the situation, and if they can no longer ignore it, leave the situation, go into another one and try to ignore the fact that nothing has really changed.

Even those who think they might have what it takes are finding themselves severely limited by an outer reflection that does not appear to take them seriously enough to move toward them as leaders, but yet has found them threatening enough to stop them.

Denied greatness is now so laden with judgments that it is no longer possible to move out in the world and dare to express much greatness for long unless your position to the gap is such that they know they cannot touch you or they know you are theirs already. If you do not have one of these two positions already, you will have to heal your gap before you can go forward or the gap will either gain control of you or stop you from going anyplace. Even those who say they don't care what price they have to pay to stand up and be counted cannot do it anymore because the fragmentation caused by the stress [????] here has become so severe that the world is sadly lacking in real leadership right now. There is not one left holding enough greatness, whose position relative to the gap allows them to make any real difference in the world.

Fragmentation has tried to find its right place, but the power struggle has accorded fragmentation no right place. The pattern of "some lead and others follow," in the Spiritual realms has been referred to as the Hierarchy, but fragmentation has found no right place here either. Fragmentation resulting from lack of alignment has felt, for the most part, like unwanted children of Creation.

The problem, once again, is heartlessness. The presence of loveless light has meant that the light has not all been free-flowing love, and when the light is not free-flowing love, it does not matter what pattern or arrangement is tried or used, it will not produce

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the results that love seeks.

The Angels have always promoted the Hierarchy because they have always thought they were at the head of it. The appeal of this for some who are followers has been that they have felt they do not need to worry or take any great responsibily on themselves because everything will happen for them and they will be taken care of and have a place to belong. This is not wrong for some as long as there is love present, but the problem is, love has not been present as anything more than a mental concept, and most of the followers of the Hierarchy have displaced so many of their feelings that they do not know what is really happening to them.

Others follow the Hierarchy because they do not think they are at the bottom of it, or they think they can better their position by being good, by being the best or favored student, devotee or servant. Having sex with someone higher up in the power structure is an age-old pattern used to attempt to improve or secure one's position. If consciousness really were expanding here, it would rather quickly be seen that these people are all essentially in the same positions they were in when they emerged, except that extensive fragmentation crowding around the edges, looking for a place, has made it look like they are moving up, when in reality the whole thing is going down in vibration, not up.

It is true that the Hierarchy pattern of order in the Universe has been in place from the beginning, but it needs to change now. The fact that My Light has some presence in it is what is holding it together as well as it is, because the Hierarchy is basically being held inplace by the gap.

In this case, oldest is not necessarily wisest, and since right place was not found by so many, wisdom does not yet necessarily follow age, as you already know from experiencing old people on Earth.

Under the guise of a false humility, the Hierarchy and those who believe they have a high position in it, have been using it for many purposes, not the least of which is surreptitiously feeding off the Will that they get their followers to deny. Spiritual vampires, I call them.

Movement in this area is hard to approach because it is going to reach all the way down through the chains of fragmentation and let you know how you are positioned in the chains (sic) of fragmentation, but it is necessary movement (sic) because chains of imprisonment are not the intent of love, and all the lost Will that wants to move must be given the opportunity to move.

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The Hierarchy has always said that those closest to the light receive it directly and pass it along to others, but this only works as long as there is fre-flowing love. The problem has been loveless light beng passed along in place of My Light. This has made it nearly imnpossible for those on the receiving end to get the Light and understandings they need. The Hierarchy patterns as they have been experienced so far have not worked any better, or any differently, for that matter, than the "trickle-down' economic policies have worked in the hands of their denial fragments, the Father Warriors.

The Father Warriors have had a grip on most of the powerful leadership positions on Earth while you have pretended to yourselves that this doesn't really matter. This is a means of avoiding the terror of what this really means. It means that the gap has more apparent power on Earth than My Light does. Heartlessness is in the position of power on earth, not love.

What most people see when they look at the Father Warriors are males demonstrating all of the characteristics males are supposed to demonstrate according to the imprints, and this is not wrong because this imprinting hates the Will so much that even their females are male essences which took form to demonstrate how females should be. This is why most of their women do not suffer the plights of the Will polarity, share their feelings or sympathize with their point of view.

The Father Warriors took form in the gap where the Mother and I did not bond to one another and where no Heart was formed. The Father Warriors are the loveless light that has never bonded to anything, but they are the denied fragments of it that Lucifer did not want [???]. There is a tremendous fragmentation problem here because of the lack of magnetic energy to hold themselves together. The reason they live long and have power is because Lucifer's light gives them the help they need as long as they serve him. They have manifested tremendous numbers, mostly because of fragmentation. This has meant that they have needed room, and having no right place, they have fought themselves into every place they have gone, denying the terror of their situation by making the other side wrong to resist. This comes from their basic imprinting, and waiting for one of them to manifest compassion or love is going to be a long wait.

Not having found any other right place, most Father Warrior fragments have often grouped themselves together into what

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almost appears to be Orders of Spirits because of the ways they vibrate so similarly on certan issues having to do with their fragmentation. These so-called "Orders of Spirits' contain lost Will from many points of fragmentation. If they are turned against you, you have a major problem, because of the ways they have united, especially if you are the main body of the Parental Part whom they feel they can hold responsible for their fragmentation problems or for whatever is stirring their imprinting.

As I describe this fragmentation, most of which is located in what I have referred to as the seeming "deadweight" of society, I'm sure many pictures are rushing to mind. For example, groups of people who stand ready to disapprove no matter what you do. As you move through your fear, you'll notice they have a permanent look on their faces which they give to anyone they meet except another member of their group. These fragments have peopled the front porches and windows of the world, ceaselessly watching and noting any irregularities over which they clack their tongues like a gaggle of geese, or worse. [a microcosmos: The Bedouins in the Zealots' Valley...]

Although these fragments may seem quite harmless, they are aligned with fragments who are not harmless. Referred to as the silent majority, when presented with too many pictures of which they disapprove, these fragments have often provided other, more deadly fragments with the very information they have needed to take you down. [a microcosmos: The Bedouins in the Zealots' Valley...]

There are many judgments here, and you need to look at them and find out what they mean. Even though these fragments have appeared rather harmless on the surface, these fragments do not allow you to move toward power, greatness, or even the creative burst that might lead to greatness, if your attempts present as irregularity, rocking the boat, standing out from others or any of the other judgments placed against free expession. [a microcosmos: The Bedouins in the Zealots' Valley...]

These fragments act humble, but they actually feel superior, even to parts out of which they fragmented, because they have denied rage that felt it knew better than everyone else, even the parts who denied them by not letting them express or prevail.

These fragments sit quietly demonstrating the behavior they think is correct and hold judgments against others who seek to express themselves such as, too egotistical and grandiose, too big for their britches, not following the rules.

These fragments may present as fearful, but they are actually rage fragments who cannot allow their rage to move and so it presents as an alignment with authority, law and order and proper

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behavior.

Guilt has caused many to think that these fragments have the right approach to life, and to try to emulate them as much as they can because this has been seen as the way to get ahead in life, and to a certain extent, it has been, although they won't let you get very high unless you are actually a member of their group.

Not knowing who you really are, what is really right for you or where you fit in and not having found a right place that really feels good to you, has made many of you try to fit yourselves into many patterns, places, situations and ways of doing things that are not right for you and which have done nothing but amplify the heartlessness that is present, until now it should be all but impossible not to notice it. Guilt in place of love is not a very good substitute and becomes especially shabby once you know the difference.

The Mother took this long path along with the rest of you since I made Her no right place with My Light, and what She has to offer here are important understandings for the rest of you, as well as for Me.

In this story, the Mother, and many of Her fragments have done likewise, marries a lost Will image of My Light in the form of a Father Warrior.

The Father Warriors have no feeling in their hearts. When they speak of love, it is filled with imagery and the acting out of fantasies to which they actually give very little presence in their real lives. The most they can allow themselves is a little tenderness during the courtship and perhaps during the honeymoon, but these are mostly just going through the motions of their images and fantasies. With no Will vibrating, there is nothing to fasten onto in another exept their images of power. Once married, their marriages are mostly business arrangements for mutual benefit and power. In the best, there is respect; in the worst, a power struggle.

This time, the soldier returns to his wife after a long time at war. She has worried and anguished over him for a long time wondering if he would ever return to Her. She has guilt that does not want to let Her tell him how She is suffering because surely he has suffered more, and so, in the little bit of contact She has with him during this war, She expresses only Her love for him and nothing more. Nonetheless, She has suffered tremendously in Her own way.

When he comes to Her, She rushes to him. After beng unable

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to move much emotion while he was away, She suddenly feels overcome with it and starts crying in his arms.

"Now, now, none of this," he says, "Aren't you glad I'm here? Arene't you happy I'm home safe and sound"?

"Yes, of course dear, these are tears of joy," the wife answers, wiping Her face and forcing Herself to smile as much as She possibly can.

Her great grief, worry, fear and relief that She could not release without Her husband there to receive it, must now all be converted into an expression of happiness and relief. The conversion then makes the expression of these emotions seem to be too much and so the wife feels She has to shut Herself down before She has fully expressed Her feelings. Her husband does not display his emotions and does not tell Her much of anything about his experiences in the war. He does not even talk much about the war with the other veterans with whom he now seeks to associate.

There is a hard place between husband and wife now that cannot be approached, and their relationship is more distant and shallow because of it. The wife wonders if it was always there. She wonders if they love each other as much as they used to. She wonders if they love each other as much as She thought they did. She wonders if Her husband had other lovers during the war that make her look uninteresting by contrast and if this is the reason for the distance between them. She wonders if the war has changed him. When She asks him about his experience in the war, he says he doesn't want to burden Her with it, and nothing more. She feels it is impossible for Her to share Her experiences with him because he must have suffered more than She did. She feels petty because She continues to feel that need to go back into these feelings. Her husband tells Her nothing is wrong and nothing has changed. He acts bothered if She persists.

Her feelings could not resolve while Her husband was awway and they cannot resolve now. He does not move his feelings enough to know what he really feels, and judges his wife is trying to get attention with Her suffering. They grow apart, never moving into this area again. Neither of them believes they know what thas caused them to grow apart, it has just happened. It is just something that happens between husbands and wives. Neither of them believes emotional movement is possible here. She is too guilty and he does not believe it is necessary. What does something so trivial, unnoticed and so long ago as not moving emotions when he returned home have to do with their lives now?

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The belief is they will go farther apart if emotions move. The belief is, leave [sic] well enough alone, going into it will only make matters worse. The gap underneath the judgments is most of the reason they feel this way.



Another enactment: A young woman is longing for a lover. She longs for him with the painfully heavy and difficult breaths of a young woman whose heart aches with desire in response to the smells and feelings of spring bursting forth from the Earth. She longs for him in the crystalline sunlight of falling waters, newborn grass and flowers. She longs for Her lover from the hilltop of soft breezes that caress Her as She wishes Her lover would. She longs for him in the lazy warmth of the golden afternoon. She longs for him in the deepening azure evening of fading sunlight. She longs for him in the indigo night of glistening stars.

She longs for him in all that She is; in every breath, and with every feeling. She cannot see anything beautiful, cannot smell or taste anything delicious without wishing he was there to share these things with Her, but this lover lives only in Her dreams.

When a lover comes into Her life, it feels to Her like She has longed for him forever and his presence makes Her even more keenly aware of how lonely She was without him. She experiences the joy of discovering love with another and feels, with an acuteness that is extremely painful, how many moments of Her consciousness have gone by without him. She so much wishes he had been there to share all of those moments with Her that, in some ways, it feels like he is too late.

When She tells him how She feels, it seems to Her he only tolerates Her and does not respond to Her in the ways She wants him to and dreamed that he would. Even so, She has these feelings and in the telling of them, She is overcome with weeping and quaking. He seems to comfort Her but it does not feel like She thought it would. It does not feel like He bonds with Her heart here. She fears he does not like these feelings in Her, and She feels rather ridiculous for having the feelings She has. It does not appear that he has moved, but it feels as though he has drawn back from Her. He says nothing, but his comfort feels somewhat patronizing. She feels rejected and ashamed of Her silly notions.

She says nothing but Her head runs wild. Is this the lover of Her dreams? Does he love Her? Has She made him uncomfortable? Is She making him feel things he does not want to feel? Does he dislike Her for this? Is he going to go away and leave Her? Is She going to lose him if She expresses any more of these things She is

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feeling? Doesn't He find Her interesting? Is She wrong to feel these things? Is she wrong to make him feel these things? Is She assuming too much? Should She let him take the initiative in declaring love? Was She too forward? Was it right for Her to take the lead in expressing feelings? Should She wait for him to take the lead?

She must try to find out what he feels toward Her, but She is not sure She has the courage to ask. She tries to enlist friends to find out. She tries to hold back, but when he touches Her, it is all She can do not to be overcome with feelings of weeping and shaking. She feels like he wants to say, "Enough is enough. Why are you treating me this way? I have done nothing to hurt you." She feels like She has to get control of Herself and move away from these feelings, and in doing so, there is nothing She can find to say to him.

The joy is really hard for Her to muster now. She moves toward it as much as She can, but She hesitates e`very step of the way. Her spontaneity is broken. If She tries to take Her lover into the life She dreamed of sharing with him, She fears he will not like it. She tries to let him lead, but She does not like where he is taking Her either. She is not sure what to do because there is no one else around who interests Her and yet he does not completely fulfill Her either. Her lover is not the way She dreamed he would be, but She does not move to express Her feelings here because She is afraid he is not open to receive them and She doesn't want to lose him.

She fears She is too romantic for any real man and that these things must remain fantasies of Her heart. She cannot allow Herself to put more pressure on him than She has already put there with Her sighs and looks of unfulfilled sadness because he does not like it. She tells Herself it is not right of Her to expect a real man to fulfill all of Her dreams and that She has to accept what is and stop dreaming of what might have been. Still, She feels he is not sensitive to Her in all of the ways She would like him to be.

She cannot get rid of the nagging feelings that Her lover does not respond to Her in all of the ways She would like him to. She resolves to try hard to express Herself and when She does, he ridicules Her. She feels he is telling Her it is not appropriate for a man to feel these feelings with Her. He tells Her that if She wants a different man, She should try to find a different man and stop pressuring him to change. She feels he does not love Her as much as She wants him to or he could not let go of Her so easily. She is torn about whether to stay with him or go.

In the places where She loves him, She does not want to let go, but in the places where he does not touch Her, She has nothing but

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the longing of unfulfilled desire. He seems preoccupied so much of the time, as though he is not really there. She fears She is not interesting enough for him to be any more present with Her. She downgrades Herself for being a silly romantic with childish ideas that interfere with the business of life as Her man sees it. She pressures Herself as the cause of the problems.

She spends a lot of time studying other men, but they all seem to be the same, or else they are effeminate in some way She does not like. She tries many ways to coax Her man into being more like She wants him to be. He gives Her anger, defensiveness, perhaps a token response. It is not really what She is asking for.

Once the courtship and honeymoon are over, he gives Her token tenderness. She feels rather cold and unresponsive to him. She has to make Herself orgasm and it never feels satisfying to Her. Sex does not satisfy Her either and he does not notice. His indifference causes Her to try hard to please him because he seems more interested in others than She is and She is afraid She'll lose him.

Her life passes by and She never expresses Her feelings. Her youth fades, Her beauty loses its glow and Her man takes another, younger woman, even parades her on his arm and thinks She doesn't know. In all of Her life, She never has the orgasm that would touch Her in the deep places where She hungered with the passion of a young woman blossoming with healthy desire, and She doesn't know why. The fruit of Her desire is bitter and rather than taste it, she leaves Her feelings alone, to draw the painfully unfulfilled and heavy breaths of a young woman longing for a lover who never comes, a young woman who longs through all the springtime of Her life, hopes like a trembling orchid who dares not speak through all of the hot and passionate nights of Her summer, and finally fades unfulfilled, shrivels into a dry leaf of autumn and becomes a spinster who dies alone in the cold and barren grey hair and black dress of the winter of Her life.

Her husband never knows how She felt, even though he lives all of his life with Her. Even their many children do not know how their Mother felt. They have all takein in images of Her which they live out in their own lives, never knowing the realness they lack either. Grief moves when She dies, but not much; a few tears at the corner of the eye, some nose blowing and somber looks. There is secret relief, and the spinster, who is Her fragment, has no one at Her funeral except Her sister, who is a fragment with an even deeper terror, because now She has to die all alone, without even the hand of Her sister to hold, or to help Her when She can no

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longer care for Herself.

These are feelings that never move in most people. There is no acceptance for these feelings, and thus, even the joyful response of finding love in another is diminished because it is taking place in the shadow of unexpessed and unaccepted feelings. Forever, the unexpressed feelings have been blamed for the diminishment of the joy without it ever being seen what role has been played by the repression of these feelings.

Husbands here lead lives that do not include the feelings of their wives. They are both internalized and outward going and do not even notice the gap in themselves where most of their wives' unfulfilled desire blossomed and died without ever experiencing response from another.

In this gap, flowers blossom and fall from trees without ever being noticed. All of nature [?????] has an empty sadness in it where Heart was never formed.

There is heartbreak here and it is not small. It is as huge as the gap where Heart was never formed between the Mother and Me. There is no response here, no tenderness and no love. There are many who live and die in this gap without ever knowing love except in their dreams. There are many who live their empty lives here as though nothing has any meaning for them and as though they have no passion in them for life, but this is not true. It is because they have never moved into it by being able to express what they feel, but do not know is there. These feelings were shut down before they ever made the connection to expression. Hidden behind presentation faces because pleasing others and learning to get along meant survival, trying to be whatever you imprinted I want you to be, your feelings became unreal before they ever knew what real was.

A husband sits, endlessly reading newpapers while his wife wishes to talk. He does not want to open himself to this endless stream from Her because it interferes with his internalizing. He sits, reading newspapers, not letting Her know that he knows he is enforcing suppression of the Will everywhere. He knows what he is doing, but he pretends he does not, because opening the way for anything to move means he is risking opening the way for a lot.

When She risks expressing Herself anyway, he lets Her only as long as he doesn't have to be involved, as long as he doesn't hear a word while She goes on and on. He gives an occasional grunt or a nod, like My Light did, when She demands that he respond, and listens for a little while, saying to himself things such as, "Thinking

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is not Her strong point," before internalizing again.

When his wife feels this, She fears She dare not say more and shuts off Her faucet until She can't stand the back-up in Her pipes anymore. Her husband has the attitude that he is a gentleman who expects certain behavior from his wife and so, his lack of response causes Her to fall silent.

Later, he makes an even greater escape by joining a men's club where women are not allowed, and like Me, he plans, reads, studies and invests. He thinks he makes the right moves, with the welfare of his family and estate in mind. He has lots of people employed to carry out his visions, rewarding them well and hearing no complaints from the upper management levels who report no complaints from the levels of employees below.

Life is orderly, progressive and, for the most part, very successful.

When she leaves, he hardly notices it in terms of companionship lost. He had no particular attachment to Her anyway. What bothers him is the social disgrace; worst of all that She left him for the gardener, a man of no particular merit, talent, status, wealth or worth. He's always with Her, its' true; he must have nothing else to do. Her husband always knew She had tendencies he didn't like. He suspected Her of being a slut and now he knows it is true.

There's no taking Her back now. He has pride and can't swallow it anymore. He curses and damns Her, divorces Her without wanting to say it is on grounds of adultery and writes Her out of his Will, out of his life and out of the lives of their children. He takes the house, the children and everyting else, hopefully leaving Her in the street where She belongs. He now has to hire a housekeeper and a governess but that is alright. In many ways, he likes it better. He has a mistress too, but she serves him, leaves him alone and never makes a big to do (sic).

Not much later, his youthful appearance goes, but he sees this as becoming more distinguished. He's older and wiser now. Later, when he dies of heart trouble, that will be no problem either. Heaven will be his right place. The children will be well looked after and he will have the comfort of knowing he is going to a place where he will not have to think about passing his ex-wife on the street. No question about it, it was an orderly life; everything done right on his side, but totally lacking in the expression of any passion.

The lost Will here has been shoved into isolation and burned into desolation. It is a great, barren plain of burned up red, yellow

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and orange that cannot gain relief from the scorching, stultifying heat resulting from not being able to come forth with any response to the Light. There is no relief, even at night. Darkness is the opposite extreme ; impenetrably dark and penetratingly cold and windy.

There is almost no water and the scant vegetation is as dark, leathery and protected as are the few creature who scurry about seeking food and shelter, alienated from one another in their struggle to survive in this inhospitable and barren plain.

When the Mother looks up from this place, I appear as a great and blinding Light, baking and bleaching the life and color from everything, searing the pounded and lifeless plain until it is like an over-exposed photograph.

The desolate plain and everything in it begs for relief, but still My Light gazes relentlessly down, ignoring the Mother's begging cries for relief, sending only an occasional little dark cloud to frown upon Her.

She dreams of excaping the unbearable heat by being lifted into rainbows that cool Her with blues, purples, greens and a sprinkling of rain. Sometimes the cloud lets a few drops of rain fall that dry in the air, teasing Her need for rain just to let Her know it can rain if it wants to, but if She gives a little sigh of relief, the cloud vanishes, blotted up by the sun as though it is insulted that She might be indicating She preferred this dark, splotchy little cloud to the sun's unmitigated light.

The Mother dreams , but She is never granted the relief that She seeks. Everytime She looks up from the places where She seeks to close Herself Off in self-protection, the light continues to stare down upon Her. It is an empty unblinking stare that doesn't care and increases the heat until the Mother can scarcely draw a breath through passageways so dry and seared She has to close them.

The Mother begs and begs for rain. When I hear Her droning on and on, I give Her a little flutter of My hand, almost like a man reading his newspaper might do toward his wife to let her know he has heard her but doesn't want to be disturbed, so he can remain internalized.

She starts in on Me early in the morning, begging for Me to light Her way and to warm Her, giving thanks for My presence and telling Me how grateful She is that I have come to Her. I increase My presence, glorying in the rising ascent of My Light in the Heavens and there She is again, intruding on Me, nagging at Me, prostrating Herself before Me, begging Me to give Her relief. I

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don't want to be distracted and so I move to shut Her up. I strike Her with a great arm of lightning. It stabs deep within the Mother, but it delivers no rain.

She shudders and quakes, and cringes horribly, but She prostrates Herself before Me again, begging My forgiveness and begging understandings on how She has displeased Me, begging for forgiveness for not being grateful for what she already has .

I hate Her fear and Her obsequious begging, but I do not let Myself notice this. I hardly look at the Mother here, and instead, go on My way, emblazoning the Heavens with My Light, burning brighter and brighter. A brilliant light in an unfettered sky, slipping unpulled-on over the horizon is what I have in mind, when the Mother pulls on Me again. As soon as I appear to notice, She prostrates Herself again.

"What is it this time?"

She begs My forgiveness again, but could She please have some relief from Her plight?

With another wave of my hand, a burst of rain rolls over Her, but She does not receive it. She does nothing but let it run off of Her. She brushes it from Her face and lets it run across Her barren belly as though She does not like it and is shunting it from place to place. Unreceived and unabsorbed. She allows it to rush past Her and disappear. Soon She is just as dry and parches again as if I had never favored Her. She remains barren.

Again She begs for relief, prostrating Herself before Me. I look upon Her as little as possible because I do not like Her. She is not attractive to Me. I have shut up My blues, purples and greens behind dark and glowering clouds. I do not want to respond to Her, but still I am nagged around the edges by Her prayerful begging for relief, for help, for deliverance, begging forgiveness for not being grateful for what She has already, begging forgiveness that She does not please Me, begging My forgiveness, but what I have sent Her is not what She wanted, could I approach Her differently, could I approach Her more gently, more softly, more carefully, could I this, could I that?

I appear to be listening, but I'm not really. Her beggings and pleadings sound like blame to Me. How dare She insinuate that I have not done the right thing, when it is She who is infertile.

She is not attractive to Me here. No wonder She remains barren, but I try to do My duty anyway and go to Her. I move toward Her and She repels Me, accusing Me of striking Her with lightning again. I touched Her as gently as I could, how can She

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accuse me of insensitivity? I feel a sudden fury and want to strike Her again and again, but I don't. I control Myself.

The Mother has spurned Me as a lover again. Why does She not receive Me? Why does She not respond to Me with verdant hills and valleys through which flow the rivers and streams of the life blood of Our love? Why does She not drip with fertility in response to My presence? Why does She not play with Me amongst soft green foliage springing forth from Her loins and belly? Why does She not allow Me to titillate and caress Her with the breezes of lovers' sighs amongst soft ferns, grasses and leaves? Why isn't She smiling shyly, but invitingly through iridescent flowerings whose smells draw Me irresistibly toward Her? Why can I not hover over Her, lifting Her into Me as I go into Her? Why can I not eat and drink of Her and She of Me?

I do not let Her know how I feel. It is hopeless. She remains closed to Me no matter how I approach Her. No matter what I do, it is not good enough for Her, not the right approach for Her, not what She wants Me to do.

The Mother has spurned Me as a lover. No doubt she prefers another, but I don't care. She was not that attractive to Me anyway and especially not if She is going to behave this way. My dark clouds are not because of this, I just want to fall into them and rest.

I hear Her beseeching Me as I look away, repenting Her shortcomings, apologizing, begging for forgiveness and understanding, offering supplications.

I do not let Her know how I feel. I am tired of trying with someone who will not understand or accept Me. Whatever She begs for, it is always what She doesn't have, but imagines I should give Her.

When I do not let Her know how I feel, She tries to guess. I let Her go on and on with whatever She has to say, telling Myself I am finding out how She views Me. When She guesses wrong, I don't help Her understand. When Her guesses show Me She has a low opinion of Me, I can see that She doesn't love Me the way I would want Her to or She wouldn't see Me this way. I don't care about Her anymore and don't want to look at Her anymore, either.

I move away from Her, tellng Myself I don't care what happens to Her anymore. I take up the waters of life from Her and offer them to others who respond to Me in the ways that I want.

In the morning, I pop up bright as ever, and there She is again, wrapped in Her shrouds of night. She will not let Me see Her. She will not lift Her eyes to Me or let Me see Her face. Instead She is

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prostrating Herself before me, begging again, under the guise of giving thanks for My Light.

"I've had a night so frightening and cold, I am so glad You have returned to warm Me and light My way. Please don't forsake Me and I will serve You in whatever way that I can."

I already know what She is saying and I do not believe Her. I pretend not to notice Her. I climb in the sky, thinking about all the reasons She is barren and why She has cold and lonely nights of fear. I hate Her because I have offered Her what I have to give and She has spurned it over and over. I begin to wax high in the sky. My rage is burning in Me now. Why is the Mother closed to Me?

As if She hears Me, there She is again, intruding on My thoughts, imploring Me, begging Me to accept Her, to have mercy on Her, to take care of Her and to give Her what She needs. She begs for My company, begs Me not to forsake Her, and then in the pretense of prayer, tells Me what She wants Me to do, as though I am insensitive to Her needs.

I see Her prone before Me, but I try to ignore Her. I do not respond. I do not care anymore. I am heartless, but I feel blameless. I stream light down upon Her, pretending I do not notice Her wither. I am most annoyed that She does not understand My Light's need to shine brilliantly and unimpeded. I have become lost in My need to shine, when there She is again, nagging at the edges of My consciousness, pulling on Me as though I am soaring too high and She wants to bring Me down. I know what She is going to say this time too. It is always the same with Her. My Light cannot shine as It sees fit! no! That would be too much for Her. Could I please cool down? Could I please give Her some relief, a gentle rain, one She can receive?

She is begging My forgiveness for Her intrusion upon Me and asking Me if I could kindly grant Her wish, intoning it over and over, chanting it.

I pretend to listen, but I'm not really. I don't like Her constant intrusions and Her prayerful begging. It sounds like instructions She has to repeat over and over because I am some kind of dolt. She appears to be humbling Herself before Me, but what She says lets Me know She has appointed Herself qualified to think for both of Us.

It is not possible for Her to let the day unfold and happen as it will. She has to think it all out beforehand and intrude on Me with Her plans and requests. Obviously, She thinks it will not happen right otherwise.

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I stand apart from Her and stare mercilessly down upon Her. It is a blank stare. My consciousness is not really focused there. It is useless to respond to Her. I resolve to consume Myself with My own thoughts until I can escape from Her at night. I am burning with rage now, but I ignore it in favor of other thoughts. I am brilliant, I am vibrating. I cannot concern Myself with a Mother who tries to draw Me to Her only to criticize and reject Me.

She tries to intrude upon Me again, begging My forgiveness, begging Me to help Her understand how She has displeased Me, how She can please Me, how She can learn to live in the right way, but it is too late. I am already someplace else now where She cannot bother Me with Her entreaties.

I hate the dry rattle in her throat as She tries to solicit My pity. I want to keep away from Her and I begin rushing toward a place that responds to Me more favorably. I am passing away from Her now and She throws Herself at My feet as if to stop Me from going, heaping Her gratitude upon Me for the light I have given Her, begging Me to forgive Her shortcomings and to protect Her during the night.

I look down on Her for a few moments before I leave. I see Her dark eyes and they torment Me. My purples, blues and greens reflect, unreceived upon Her barren sands [sic]. I see Her standing in My Light, at the well, drawing forth for Herself a little of the waters of life She believes I do not give Her. She appears almost happy now that I am leaving Her. I see Her talking and laughing with a man. I look away and let night overtake Her.

There is jealousy in My hatred but I do not want to know it. I cannot let her spurn Me and have another lover. I suspect Her of having another lover She prefers to Me, and he is darkness, the Prince of Darkness.

I hate Her for this but I do not move it all day long. I ignore the rage in favor of justivying My position. I have a Mother who needs to be taught a lesson.

I allow Myself to come to Her, in a state of denial, in the night, and ravage Her barren plain. I don't let Her know it is Me. I give Her the impression of darkness I want Her to have. I allow Her to fear the coming of night and what will happen then. I want Her to think darkness is like that.

I want to shine unimpeded by day and I have to punish Her by night for not accepting Me that way.

I allow Her only a short time to savor the ebbing warmth of the day, just long enough for Her to show me that She prefers it, feels

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more comfortable and at ease with it, before I descend upon Her with the chill of the night.

I want Her to fear and shiver in the lack of My Light, and I whisper in Her ear that the lack of My Light is like this. I wrap My fingers around Her neck as if to twist it, but don't quite do it. That will come later. I am a master torturer. I do not want My prey to find death too easily. I steal Her warmth with My cool wind a little more severely now. It is not possible to feel comfortable outdoors now. She hastens to move toward shelter, but I follow Her, bringing the chill in through the door with Her. She has tarried too long outside with that man. She tries to kindle a tiny fire with scarce and precious fuel, seeking to warm Herself and prepare Herself sustenance other than My Light.

I play with Her. I want Her to feel frustrated by letting Her know She cannot succeed in building even a little fire if I do not want to allow it. I whisper to Her that She has been ungrateful for the light and warmth the day had to offer Her, and now She wants it.

She shudders in the chilll which has entered the house with Her. She squats before the struggling fire, pulling Her knees up and rocking Herself before it, fixing upon it with Her eyes as if to bring it to life and bring it inside of Her. I have contempt for Her efforts. She begins to sing My praises, but I do not believe Her. I unsettle Her by whispering over and over to Her that She misses the light and the heat of the day now.

She turns Her back to the fire and looks to see who might have spoken to Her, but there is nothing She can see except the doorway a little open and troubled by the wind. She fears a storm is brewing and feels uncomfortable. She tries to secure the doorway and enters into prayer again, begging Me not to let the storm be too severe. I laugh at Her in the wind and kick at Her door just to watch Her jump and try to close it against Me. I hate Her because She always moves against Me while pretending She is willing to serve Me and do what I ask.

I let My wind blow more fiercely now. Her fire goes out and I hear Myself cruelly laughing. I shriek and howl, whistling and snapping at Her like My party is about to begin; the one She has never let Me have. I'm going to have it My way now, at least for a little while. I tear at Her shelter and it cannot hold out My wrath. I penetrate every opening, finding every crack, letting Her know She is no longer safe inside. She puts Her back to the wall and I tear the wall away from Her. She runs from Her house, feeling its

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sudden vulnerability. She runs through dangerously swirling sands, blinded by their ferocity, and across the rocky, hardened ground seeking a place of shleter She knows nearby. I stalk Her like prey in the night that can only hear, not see, what stalks it. I growl and hiss and snap at Her in the wind, shrieking with cruel and victorious laughter when she recoils.

I really move in now with biting, chilling wind that penetrates Her every garment and effort to protect against it. My icy fingers play with the robes of night She is wrapping so tightly around Her. I pull and tug at them, ripping them, letting Her know they cannot remain closed to Me if I do not allow it. They can give Her no comfort or warmth if I do not like it.

I hate Her for spurning Me and I am letting Her know I can have My way with Her if I want to, I want to rip Her apart and I am letting Her know I can force Her to reveal Herself to Me if I want to.

I snap and bark at Her now like a pack of wild dogs hunting Her in the desert at night. I howl as if there is a full moon, but when She looks for it, it is suddenly swallowed up by the impenetrable blackness of the cloudy night.

The dark, menacing clouds of My rage are building and building. Sometime later, the rain begins swirling Her in wet winds that do not love Her. Far from the breezes of Her dream lover, these are harsh winds that scream and roar at Her as if they're going to tear Her apart, ripping at Her dark veils and laughing at Her nakedness in the cold, abusive winds of the night. She shrinks before my driving force and runs scuttling in terror on the winds [sic] . I want Her to fear. I hate Her thorny, leathered hardness and I pound and lash at Her furiously with wind and rain, beating Her in a frenzy of frustrated and denied sexuality.

I have no mercy for Her. When She cries out in fear, I shove Her face down in the swirling muds of rejected waters. Enjoying it that She is choking in terror, I won't let Her breathe. I'm in a frenzy of frustrated passion now. I do not feel the fury of the wind, or the assaulting downpour of rain as anything more than what I need to gain release.

I hurl rain down upon Her, pelting, pounding and furiously beating Her without let up. When I let Her go, its is only long enough to watch Her run for Her life and then I attack Her again, knocking Her down, taking everything from Her and forcing upon Her whatever I want.

Water is rushing all around Her now, filling every orifice it can

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find and I am screaming at Her in the fury of the wind "If it's rain you want, it's rain you'll get!" Both My arms and My penis are lightning now. I strike Her over and over as hard as I can, stabbing and thrusting as deeply into Her as I can, over and over in the punishing frenzy Her denial of Me deserves. No matter how She cries out in terror and pain, there is no stopping Me. I leave nothing unfound and untouched; no place in Her that can hide from Me, no place She can hold away from Me. Too terrified to move, She gives up struggling and no longer tries to pull away from Me, but finally, I let go just to see again how She is with Me.

When She runs frantically away from Me, I am disgusted and throw lightning bolts in Her path, laughing when Her feet go out from under Her in terror. I want Her to know there is no place She can go to hide from Me but what I cannot stop Her if I want to, or find Her when I want to. (sic)

"Here, let Me show You the way," I scream on the wind, hurling more lightning Her way. Then I beat Her to the place She is running for and slam the door shut in Her face, holding it there in such a way that She keeps trying to open it without succeeding. I want to show Her there is no strength She can muster against Me that will help Her or save Her if I am not willing.

When She gives up and sinks beaten and hopeless, into the cold mud, I am pleased. When She cries, "What do You want Me to do? What am I supposed to do that I am not doing?" I wail on the winds, over and over, "Have no other lover, no other lover, but Me."

I pull Myself off of Her just before dawn, leaving Her beaten, broken and nearly dead and allow another to find Her; the one I know is Her lover. He bends over Her, and when She finally responds by trying to reach out and touch him, desperate for any warmth that will let Her know She is not totally alone in Her desperate misery, I am watching from the edges to see if She has learned Her lesson and remembers what I told Her.

I give Her only a few moments respite and then I pop into view. I feel renewed. Rarely have I looked so beautiful to Myself as I do this morning. There is a pristine newness to the sky in which I make My appearance. I am surrounded by the soft colors of gentleness and innocence. As I gaze across the wreckage of last night's orgy, I do not look like I know anything about it.

When the Mother looks in disbelief that I have found Her already, I find it lamentable that She is no better able to receive My waters of Life or My Light than this.

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I see Her prone before Me. I watch Her trying to hold close the veils of darkness around Her, veils of seduction, dark veils to cover Her shame.

She begins begging My forgiveness again , begging for My mercy upon Her and Her people, promising to serve Me. She is even more obsequious now, but I do not believe Her. I suspect Her of having accepted the seed of Her other lover, even after last night and everything I told Her.

She cries to Me that it was in exchange for being held and not something She dared deny him. I saw Her slip unconscious in his arms, escaping Her pain and exhaustion, but that is no excuse. I curse Her and tell Her that no matter what She does, it will come to nothing, just like the seed She has accepted from another.

My rage is already burning hot again. I stab Her with it to remind Her of what the day is going to be like if She doesn't receive Me. I want Her to remember what this kind of day can lead to at night.

She begins to cry and beg for relief, but I am not listening. I can no longer concern Myself with this. I cannot make Her understand how I want Her to be or what I want Her to do. Perhaps it isn't in Her. I gaze down upon Her, but it is an empty stare. She is going on and on, but I do not hear.

I have withdrawn from Her to My armchair where I sit absorbed in My reading. I could read magazines. Perhaps I would enjoy their color photographs, but I prefer being surrounded by the large and insulating pages of My newspaper.

Hidden behind them, I am strangely excited by the story I'm reading of a ferocious storm which has ravaged a foreign land, leaving many people and animals lost, drowned and dead in its wake. I feel comfortably certain that all of these people must have done something wrong whether they knew it or not, or God would not have acted this way.

When I notice the story of a great many people having drowned when the great Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, and it is revealed that many of them were locked in steerage [sic] because there were not enough life boats to go around, I read the list of the presumed drowned.

When I see My ex-wife's name, along with Her three young children who are not My own, I put My newspaper down, to puff on My cigar and contemplate, for a few moments before I retire for the night, how differently Her life might have turned out if She had been what I wanted and done what I said. Perhaps She didn't have

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it in Her, otherwise She would have stayed with Me.

The more I, Myself, remain untouched by calamitous events such as these, the more good and right I am convinced I am. When will they ever learn?

          Selah

6 LAND OF PAN
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to
The Father of Manifestation,
that Maligned, Misunderstood,
but Essential Part of God

"You may not think you know or even remember Pangea. You may not remember any past lives, as far as you know.
If you pay attention to little glimmers
of other times and places,
if you really allow movement in the emotions you feel but do not normally allow to move,
you begin to see how the cracks in your accepted reality can be widened into openings, or doorways, in which more is seen, felt and understood.
Patterns can be recognized and evolved
so that your history doesn't have to repeat itself. "

7 IMPRINTING:
A Healing Of The Chakras
[to whom is it dedicated?]

"This book is about the imprinting,
or the blueprint in the subconscious,
that underlies everything;
how it was put into place, what is in it and how to heal it .
We are all imprinted in ways
that we have never been able to move past, no matter how hard we have tried. There was very little room left for consciousness once imprinting was in place. Bringing imprinting from the subconscious to the conscious mind
can begin the process of sorting it out and making shifts at the deepest levels. Evolution of consciousness and the emotional body
looks like our only hope for survival as a species.

While this book is very helpful, it would have been more helpful
if I had not deleted a chapter about the male side that said 'I felt this, but I didn't let her know', [see the retrieved chapter above]