BlueBook-p.120-129

2003 - 2013
The RIGHT USE OF WILL Books
The Blue Book
and further down
the continuation to pages 190-219 of the Green Book and the Yellow Book

RIGHT
USE
OF
WILL

page
120-129

In pp 14 I told how I encountered the Blue Book
Back to General Information about all eight Books

Judgment Release..........     ..      .........19
Realities Precipitating toward Earth   23
Emotional Release.............     ...     ......32
Right Use of Will as a Healing
   Power for Yourself and Earth.     ....37
The Influence away from Free Will... .42
Denials shared by Many....    .. ............44
The Feminine Principle...........     .......49
Sex and Children................    . ...........50
Free Will between People...    .. .........55
Form and Graven Images..   .... ..........61

Acceptance...............  ................. 64
Twists and Turns on Judgments  68
The Land of Pan...........................74
Lemuria.........................................94
Atlantis..........................................99
Drugs...........................................116
Understandings on Denial..........118
Steps to Healing
     & Complete Recovery..    ....  127
Intimidating Form........................132

Version of 2010

FOUR WINDS Publications

Copyright 1984, 1986, 2010,

Ceanne DeRohan-
All rights reserved...
Four Winds Publications
551 Cordova Rd. # 112
Santa Fe, New Mexico,
87505, USA

RIGHT USE OF WILL

Healing and Evolving
the Emotional Body

Received
by Ceanne DeRohan
Dedicated to the Earth

INTRODUCTION ...............................

RIGHT USE OF WILL........................1

CLEARING ILLNESS AND HABITS.....3

LIMITS ON THE SELF.......................9

INNER LISTENING......................... 12

EGO/SELF................................... 15

FREE WILL IN THE PRESENCE OF OPPOSITION.........................15

JUDGMENT RELEASE....................17

EMOTIONAL RELEASE................20

REALITIES PRECIPITATING TOWARD EARTH..28

DISCIPLINE, DEATH AND REINCARNATION....39

THE FEMININE PRINCIPLE.............................41

SEX AND CHILDREN......................................42

FREE WILL BETWEEN PEOPLE......................49

THE INFLUENCE AWAY FROM FREEWILL.......54

DENIALS SHARED BY MANY...........................55

TWISTS AND TURNS ON JUDGMENTS............62

ACCEPTANCE......................................69

THE LAND OF PAN............................ ..74

LEMURIA.............................................92

ATLANTIS........................................ ...96

DRUGS..............................................109

UNDERSTANDINGS OF DENIAL...... ...112

FORM AND GRAVEN IMAGES..............122

RIGHT USE OF WILL AS A HEALING POWER FOR YOURSELF AND EARTH124

STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE RECOVERY......................................130

INTIMIDATING FORM ........................134

continuation of both versions of "Understandings on/of Denials" : ~~~ continuation also ofImages of the pilgrimage to Khirbet Tzura with Avi Dror [see Desert Peace Process 2002]

This Carob tree grows from our ruins ~~~~ I started with the ruins in the dark and I returned to the ruins and the trees in the dark

1984-page 120 ["Understandings on Denial "]

exquisite unconditional Love, and experience
as the power to transform themselves and their lives on Earth. This is not a fantasy that takes place after death;
it is very real and can happen now.
This is something you can find in your own being if you want it. This is not something too difficult to do either,
but it may involve more than you at first thought it would.
The journey to your full consciousness
and to your full awareness of Me
is full of adventure for you
and is the most exciting journey you could take.
In saying this, I fully realize everything you do is part of your journey,
and yet, some routes are more direct than others.

In speaking of this, I want to point out
that all differentiation of energy into form
has been termed illusion by some.
The ones saying this do not fully understand or accept form
and, whether they realize it or not, have judged against Me.
The judgment that they are holding is
that I have only created the illusion of having created anything;
that really everything is still just the same and never changes.
This is a judgment against experience too.
This is not somethng to take lightly here.
Judging against My Creation and the experiencing of it
is judging against My evolutionary process
and your own too for that matter.
This is a judgment that you will experience if you hold it
instead of experiencing Me.
Rejection of My Creation is possible
but this then will be your own experience
and not the experience of My Creation in general.

Many Spirits have made these judgments
without realizing what they were really doing
and often manage, once again, to avoid their true feelings
of lack of acceptance for themselves, others and the Creation
by hiding their feelings in the belief that "All is illusion."
I need to comment on this because it is very widespread on Earth.
Many people that claim to accept Me do not really accept My forms
but only accept Me as light.
Others that find themselves out in the world of form
claim they do not miss my Intense Presence as Light
because they accept Me as form.

I am both, and Spirits need to accept Me as both.
The split toward Me is part of the separation illusion on Earth.
It is a very real illusion too,
since almost no one on Earth now
is able to speed up their physical Body until it becomes light.
Some Spirits believe
they have solved the problem of the loss of this ability by saying
that it's not appropriate for the physical body to turn to Light

2010-page 114 ["Understandings of Denial"]

is possible, but this, then, will be your own experience
and not the experience of My Creation as a whole.

Many Spirits have made these judgments
without realizing what they were really doing.
Some have believed the views of others to be the reality,
and some avoid their feelings of lack of acceptance
for themselves, others and Creation
by hiding their feelings behind the belief that "all is illusion."
I wanted to comment on this
because it is a confusion that has been very widespread on Earth.
Many who have claimed they accept Me,
have accepted Me only as Light and have not accepted My Forms.
Others who have been caught up in the world of Form
have claimed that they do not need My Presence as Light
because they accept Me as Form.

I am both Light and Form, and Spirits need to accept Me as both.
The split toward Me is part of the separation illusion on Earth.
It is a very real separation, too, since almost no one on Earth
is now able to speed up the physical Body until it becomes Light. SomeSpirits think the loss of this ability is not a problem
because they have been believing that physicality means density,
and so it is not appropriate for the physical body go become light.
This is another judgment, and not true understanding.
All energy is meant to be free.
Your physical body is a part of you
and is only meant to be physical if it wants to be.
Many have made assumptions here
that because Body is physical, it wants to be.
This would be true if everything were aligned.
As you clear your energy,
your physical body is going to become more and more light-filled,
and you are going to regain lost abilities.
This is going to proceed at the speed
at which your layers of conditoning can truly open
to align with and receive My Loving Light.
My words here are not meant to sound like pressure.
You can take your own path, and I can put you in your right place
where you can rogress at the speed that feels right to you.

Some Spirits who have said
that it makes no difference how they receive Me,
really do have feeings here
that do not want to see Me being limited to the present reality on Earth. These Spirits would also like Me to be present with them
in ways they can hear in words, see as light,
feel as the presence of unconditional love
and experience
as the power to transform themselves and their lives on Earth.
This desire is not a fantasy that only takes place after death;
it is real and is something that can happen now.
This is something that you can find within your own being if you want it. This is not something that is too difficult to do either,
but it may inivolve more than you at first thought that it would.

1984-page 121["Understandings on Denial "]

because it's physical and meant to be dense.
This is also a judgment and not true understanding.
All energy is meant to be free.
Body is only meant to be physical if it wants to be.
Many have made assumptions here
that because Body is physical, it wants to be.
This, in fact, would be true if everything were aligned.

Some say it is not possible to be out of alignment anyway.
This was actually a way in which many Spirits avoid
feeling the overwhelming fear and panic
they actually hold deep within themselves in a state of denial.
Lack of alignment with the self and with Me
is actual reality for many Spirits on Earth.
The illusion is that nothing can really happen to make it different
no matter what you do.
This is a major way in which Spirits have explained away things
that otherwise would have been, they felt too overwhelming to accept. This is called denial.

When you cannot accept what is happening to you
because it is too overwhelming
and you instead tell yourself that it is not really happening,
you open the way for judgments, misunderstandings, illusions,
emotional blockage and everything else
that is needing to be cleared on Earth right now.
Denial is happening when you cannot accept your own experience.

This denial has been increasing over time on Earth.
In the beginning, the denial was not thought to be much.
It began with denial of feelings
because some feelings were not believed to be as pleasant
as other feelings.
When these feelings came up
they began to be avoided and not accepted or expressed.
In the beginning, this was not even thought to be denial.
The feelings were not thoroughly understood then
and many thought
that the feelings were something that could be accepted or not
in the same way that other experiences could be accepted or not. Feelings, however,
are not something exterior like other experiences.
Many Spirits were confused on this point
and rejected feelings they did not like.
This was rejecting a part of themselves.
Rejecting a part of the self
is not possible without reclaiming it later.

The increase in denial has mainly taken place in this way:
rather than rejecting experiences that did not feel good,
many Spirits rejected their feelings toward these experiences instead.
Feelings are only responsive.
They do not cause an experience to be unpleasant.
Feelings are only the Wills response

2010-page 115 ["Understandings of Denial"]

The journey to your full consciousness and your full awareness of Me
is going to be full of adventure for you
and is the most exciting journey you could take.
While it is true that everything you experience is a part of your journey; some routes are more direct than others,
some routes more painful than others.

Some have said that it is not possible to be out of alignment, anyway.
This is another way in which Spirits
have been avoiding their feelings of fear and panic
held in a state of denial.
Lack of alignment with the self and with Me
is the actual state of many on Earth.
The illusion that nothing can be done to make it different
is another judgment that has been a way to explain away things
that have felt would, otherwise, be too overwhelming to accept.
This is called denial.

When you feel that you are not able to accept what is happening to you because it is too overwhelming,
and you, instead, tell yourself that it is not really happening,
the way is opened for judgments, misunderstandings, illusions,
emotional blockage and everything else
that is needing to be cleared on Earth right now.
Denial is what is happening,
when you cannot accept
your own experience.
This denial has been increasing on Earth over time.

In the beginning, denial was not thought to be much.
It began with denial of some feelings
that were not experienced to be as pleasant as other feelings.
When these feelings came up,
they began to be avoided and not accepted or expressed.
In the beginning, this was not even thought to be denial.
The feelings were not thoroughly understood then,
and many thought that they could be accepted or not
in the same way that other experiences could be accepted or not. Feelings, however, are not something exterior like other experiences. They are also not something that has just been made up by the mind, and so, cannot just be rearranged by the mind.
Feelings are the counterpoint to the mind and a real part of the self.
Many Spirits were confused on this issue
and rejected feelings they did not like.
This was rejecting a part of themselves.
Rejecting a part of the self is not possible without reclaiming it later.

The increase in denial has mainly taken place in this way:
Rather than rejecting experiences that did not feel good,
many Spirits rejected their feelings about these experiences instead.
In the beginning, before the response of the Will was warped by denial,
the feelings were only responsive.
They were not causing an experience to be unpleasant.
Feelings are the Will's response

1984-page 122 ["Understandings on Denial "]

to what the Spirit is doing.
Many Spirits that did not like their Will's response
overrode their Will and denied the validity of its response.
Among all the Spirits, the entire spectrum of possibility exists
from no denial to complete denial of the Will,
from minimal denial of everything to massive denial of everything. Experience overwhelmed Spirits
because they were not allowing the feelings
to remove them from situations they could not accept.

There was another misunderstanding present here among many Spirits and that was that they should ignore their own limits
and experience everything because I did.
The ones trying this had another misunderstanding about right time. They were not ready.
Some denied this by saying, "Time is an illusion."
Now this is a pattern I want to point out
because many Spirits are involved in this pattern of denial.
Some have this pattern because of confusion and misunderstanding
and some because they feel
they can avoid the reality of their own experience this way.
Once again, intent is the determining factor
and some Spirits even deny that their intent is what it really is.
Some deny ever having made any judgments
and some deny that they have any misunderstandings.

Denial is not hard to end once you realize you have it
and recognize what your denial is.
Denial is usually effective or not.
If denial is effective, then you will not know you have it;
you will be convinced that your denial is reality.
Denial is extensive on Earth right now and I am needing to point it out. The reality is that once you connect to some of your own denials, you will find it much easier to find the rest of them.

Denial on Earth needs to be cleared.
Reality on Earth is going to change soon in such a way
as to make the retention of denial impossible
if you are going to remain on Earth.
If you are not wanting to release denial yet
you can continue it on another planet.
A planet has the right to say who can live on it
and Earth has chosen to have denial cleared.
Earth is needing to return to its own image of itself
and that imagery is indeed that of the land of Pan.
This cannot happen though
if people remain on Earth that are opposed to this imagery.
I am needing to have you decide whether Earth is for you or not.
I am not going to wait to remove Spirits
that have already indicated to Me that they don't want to be here,
but I need a decision from many Spirits that have not yet decided

2010-page 116 ["Understandings of Denial"]

to what it is experiencing.
When they did not like their Will's response,
many Spirits overrode their Wills
and denied the validity of their Will's response.
Among all the Spirits, the entire spectrum exists
from no denial to complete denial.
Earthly experience overwhelmed many Spirits
because they were not heeding their Wills
and removing themselves from experiences that they did not like.

There was another misunderstanding present here among many Spirits, and that was that they should ignore their own limitations and experience everything because I did.
The ones trying this had another misunderstanding about right time. They were not ready.
Some denied this by saying. "Time is an illusion."

The accumulation of experience is not an illusion,
and that amounts to time.
There is a pattern of denial here.
Some have had this pattern
because of confusion and misunderstandings,
and some because they thought
that they could deny the reality of their own experiences in this way. Some have denied ever making judgments.
Some have denied that they have any misundestandings,
and some have denied that death is their intent.
Once again, intent is the determining factor,
and some Spirits have even been denyng what their intent really is.

Blockages in the way of My presence can appear to have shut Me out, and as My Light
can be reduced to almost nothing, and, sometimes, to nothing,
I can appear to not be present.
I am, in fact, no longer present in some cases
where I have decided to put this essence outside of My Light.
I am, however, still present in a state of denial in some very dense places. By not recognizing Light in such dense forms,
some Spirits have convinced themselves
that they have gotten away from Me.
Others have convinced themselves that they are with Me
because they recognize everything as a form of Light.

If your intention is to end your denial, you can end it
once you realize that you have it
and begin to recognize what your denials are.
Since denial is so extensive on Earth right now,
I need to point this out.
When your denials are effective, you do not realize you have them.
You are convinced that your denials are reality.
Reality is that once you connect to some of your denials
you will find it easier to connect to the rest of them.

Denial on Earth needs to be cleared.
Reality is going to change soon in such a way
as to make the retention of denial impossible
if you are going to stay on Earth.
If you are not ready to end your denials

1984-page 123 ["Understandings on Denial "]

I can actually see all of this already,
but I want responsibility taken by the Spirits involved.
I also want everyone that is wanting to stay on Earth
to agree to end personal denial and accept the self completely.

You need to start with yourself
and make an unconditional acceptance
of how it really feels to be you.
Instead of feeling you must heal everything immediately, you need not. You must, however, have a completely committed intent to end denial
and heal all the separations of consciousness
that this created.
This includes pain of experiences that the Body holds, pain of emotions that the Will holds,
loss of Love the Heart holds,
misunderstandings and limitations that the mind holds and disconnection from the Spirit that originated all of it.

The Spirit must have acceptance
for its lack of experience in manifestation
and the Will must have acceptance for its emotinal response to this. Spirit and Will must accept themselves and each other,
then Body, Heart and Mind can receive the balanced energy they need.

Suffering is the path of having experiences
you do not really want to have.
I have not required suffering in order to come to Me.
I have not required Spirits to test themselves this way.
I have not asked anyone to find out
if courage is sufficient to go past fear.
I want to point out that these are all misunderstandings of Me.

I am Love.
When I describe Original Cause,
you will see how all the various images of Me came to be.
Suffice it to say for now
that I am a Living Evolving God
and all the images of Me are frozen pictures.
Even the ones saying they do not worship an image of Me
are holding limits of one sort or another.
For example, some believe I am an human-like Father in Heaven
and some believe I am so far beyond humans
that I do not even speak to them anymore;
some believe I am terrible, angry and judgmental
while some believe I am impersonal and have no feelings at all;
some believe I watch everything they do
and some believe I never look at Earth.
I could go on and on, b
ut I think that this will suffice
to show you the understanding I want to give.
All of this is imagery and not the total picture of Me.
Even in putting all the pieces together, you still have a picture
that has been fractured by all the separations on Earth.
This can be healed also.

2010-page 117 ["Understandings of Denial"]

you can continue them on another planet.
A planet has the right to say who can live on it.
Earth has chosen to have denial cleared
and wants to return to its original vision of itself.
This is why no one can remain on Earth and hold denial.
I already see many Spirits who do not want to remain on Earth.
Since I do not want Spirits to blame Me for removing them from Earth,
I want all of you who feel ready to take responsibility for yourselves
to decide if Earth is for you or not.
Remaining on Earth means accepting the full self completely,
clarifying intent to end personal denial
and find balance in your Heart and being aligned with the Earth itself.

Instead of fastening on the idea
that you must heal everything immediately,
you need to start with yourself
by making an unconditional acceptance of how it really feels to be you,
and accept those feelings.
You need to have a completely committed intent to end denial
and heal all of the separations that your denials have created.

The Spirit must have acceptance
for its lack of experience in Manifestation,
and the Wil must have acceptance for its emotional response to this . Spirit and Will must accept Themselves and Each Other here;
then Heart and Body can receive the balanced energy They need. Suffering is the path of having experiences
that you do not really want to have.
I have not required suffering in order to come to Me.
I have not required Spirits to test themselves in this way.
I have not asked anyone to find out
if courage is sufficient to go past fear.
These are all misunderstandings of Me.

When I describe Original Cause, you will be able to see
how all the various images of Me came to be.
Suffice it to say for now, that I am a living, evolving God,
and all the held images of Me are frozen pictures.
Even the ones saying that they do not worship an image of Me
are holding limits of one sort or another.
For example, some believe that I am a human-like Father in Heaven,
and some believe that I am so far beyond humans
that I do not even speak to them anymore.
Some believe that I am terrible, angry and judgmental
while some believe I am impersonal and have no feelings at all.
Some believe I watch everything they do,
and some believe I never look at Earth.
I could go on and on, but I believe
that these examples will suffice
to show you the understanding I want to impart.
All of this is imagery and not the total picture of Me.
Original Cause can help you to see
how all of these pieces can fit together and be healed.

The last sunlight and the first moonlight rendered this dead tree so beautiful, that I could not take my eyes or camera from it

1984-page 124 ["Understandings on Denial "]

These fractures need understanding to heal.

You need to heal yourself enough with what I am giving now
to be able to accept more,
and I want to also point out that this channeling
is clear, accurate, what I intend to say and from Me without question. If you feel doubts and fears within yourself regarding this,
these also can be processed
and thus lead you to the understandings that are right for you.

In summary, I want to point out
that having experiences you cannot fully accept
along with the accompanying pain and denial
is not leading you to Me in the sense of increasing the light.
I also want to point out
that it is possible to take yourself out of existence
for all practical purposes this way.
Another understanding needed here is
that denial is not necessary or even possible
if you do not have experiences until you are ready for them.
Instead of being able to escape from what you have done already,
you must take responsibility for it,
clear it and gain the understandings needed.
Then in the future you will not have to suffer
from pain, fear, denial or anything else happening on Earth
that is presently troubling the people there.

The question of the past has been raised by many.
"That is over," they have said;
"Why pay attention to the past; it is gone."
The idea that it is over with is not true understanding.
If the past were over with it would not be affecting the present.
In this case, the past would be serving
as a reservoir of wisdom available to the present.
Then why deny and ignore it?

If the past is not fully understood and accepted as wisdom,
it will repeat in some form until it is accepted.
Acceptance is what something seeks to be able to change. Studying the past for what can be gained
actually allows the present to become more free and more creative,
more abundant and more open to change.
Looking at the past can really change the present
and since the present is creating the future, it affects the future too.

The past two hundred years or so in America
has a lot to teach that has been largely denied and ignored.
The people originally living there had preserved everything
so that the continent had everything to offer
when America was discovered.
The Indians that met the first explorers had denial of their true feelings or they would not have allowed these explorers to leave
and tell anyone what they had found.
This denial of feelings is

2010-page 118 ["Understandings of Denial"]

You need to heal yourself enough with what I am givng you now
to be able to accept more.
I also want to say that this channeling is clear, accurate,
what I intend to say and from Me,
which is not to say that you cannot question.
If you feel doubts and fears within yourself, accept them,
and let them find their right place in your process.
Allow yourself the freedom to question, doubt and search within yourself until you feel for yourself what is true for you.

In summary, I want to point out
that having experiences you cannot fully accept,
along with the accompanying pain and denial,
has not been increasing the presence of Loving Light with you.
I also want to make you aware that, for all practical purpose,
it is possible to take yourself out of existence in this way.
Another understanding needed here is
that denial does not generally result
if you do not have an experience until you are ready for it.
Since you cannot escape from what has happened already,
you need to take responsibility for it, clear it
and gain the understandings needed.
In this way, you can learn how not to have to suffer
from pain, fear or denial because you won't be creating it.

The question of the past has been raised by many
who have said that the past is over, so forget it.
Usually these people are referring to unpleasantness
that they perceive as having occurred n the past,
however, the idea that the past is past,
as though it is somehow disconnected from the present,
and so, does not influence it,
is not true understanding.
If it was really "over", it would not be affectng the present,
and history would not be repeating itself.
No matter how it may look at first, lack of undersatnding the past
does not create beneficial change in the present, or the future.
The past is part of a continuum which is not unchangeable.
The past is a reservoir of wisdom available to the preetnt.
If what has not been liked about the past is not fully understood
and utilized as a source of wisdom,
even though it may change form somewhat,
it will repeat in some form until it is accepted and understood. Acceptance brings Loving Light,
which is what is needed for something to be able to change.
Studying the past for what can be learned
actually allows the present to become more free and more creative,
more abundant and more open to change.
Accepting, understanding and freeing what has been held in the past can change the present,
and since the present is creating the future, it affects the future, too.

The past two hundred years or so in America have much to teach
that has been largely denied and ignored.

1984-page 125 ["Understandings on Denial "]

what allowed the discovery of America to begin with,
and this denial is also what needed the experience
in order to learn what has had to be learned there.
It was necessary to find out h
ow quickly a few unloving beings could take down an entire continent by spearheading a movement in that direction.
They have succeeded to the point where I must now intervene.

These same beings have incarnated into America for several lives
and have each time furthered their own viewpoint
to denying the feelings and the Earth itself.
They have taken this as far as I can let it go
because they have developed a technology
that can actually kill the Earth itself.
I cannot allow it, and I will not allow it.
The denial here is extensive.
Everything expansive is being denied.
Denial is even going on where you think there has been acceptance.
If you study this, you will see what I mean.

It is fear that has been allowing this,
and this fear has its roots in Original Cause
and its first reenactment on Earth in the land of Pan.
Denial of expansion has been increasing since it originated,
and yet the form of this denial represents itself as expansion.
It is, however, expansion of denial and compression.
I want to mention here that this was not the intent
of the ones conceiving the Consitution of the United States.
Form is only outward shape of inner essence .
Form has received so much denial in My Creation
that it has been allowed to misrepresent itself.
This is in appearance only.
If you let yourself feel something first, you can tell what it is.

The feelings give the Spirit the information
needed to gain the understandings.
Denial of feelings is therefore an effective way
to short circuit the Spirit also.
Many people have tried to deny this problem by saying
it's not possible for the Spirit to have any problem,
but I want to say that it is entirely possible.
It is even possible for a spirit to get itself so entangled in denial
that it cannot continue to exist.

Since I have not wanted any of My spirits to do this
without knowing what they are doing,
I have decided that intervention is necessary.
I am offering the understandings needed
and taking the action necessary to straighten things out on Earth.
Part of the action
is going to take the form of removing Spirits from Earth.
This needs to be accepted by the ones remaining on Earth.
I have tried to clear the Earth before of Spirits

2010-page 119 ["Understandings of Denial"]

The people originally living in America had preserved everything
so that the continent had everything to offer
when America was "discovered."
Their vast wisdom about how to live on this continent
was disregarded,disrespected, even buried,
trampeled over and largely lost,
so that most people have only scanty information about the past here.

The indigenous people who met the first explorers
denied some of their true feelings
in favor of ideas about what they should do.
Denied because they did not like to feel them,
these deep and mostly lost feelings had manifested as an outer reflection that brought to them their Karmic involvement in what happened.
These old denials, drawn to the American Continent,
were already affectng the "Old World",
and have now affected the entire world, even if only remotely
through the pollution and other side effects their presence has caused. Painful as it has been, and is,
these denials need to be seen and understood for what they are.

These same beings have incarnatied into America for several lives
and have, each time, worked
to further their denial of true feelings and of the Earth, itself.
Denial has even been going on
where you may think there has been acceptance.
If you study this, rather than accepting it as it appears,
you can see what I mean.
For example, those who conceived the Constitution of the United States were intending to create freedom for themselves only.

Form has received so much denial
that it can appear to misrepresent itself.
For example, what has been represented
as "the expansion necessary to life"
has actually been the expansion of denial, compresson and death.
Seeing these denials personified as others and not understanding it, many have thought
that this reflection was proving their judgments to be right.
These are the kinds of experiences that do not need to keep happening
if the needed understandings are gained.

Technology has been developed
that can actually control and kill the Earth and everybody on it.
I do not want to allow this to happen.
Denial of fear and terror, in their many forms,
and the accompanying old judgments, or subconscious imprints,
has been causing this.
These denials have their roots in Original Cause
and were present in the first re-enactments on Earth, in the Land of Pan. Although the form has been changing,
people have been re-enacting their Original Cause over and over because they have not had the understandings needed.
I see that enough experience has been had now,
and that many people are ready to heal
what their original misunderstandings have brought to them.

1984-page 126 ["Understandings on Denial "]

that deny Me, the Earth and the feelings.
Each time the ones remaining
have drawn back to Earth the ones removed.
This happened because of misunderstandings about right place
and denial of true feelings.

Acceptance of true feelings
would have allowed Me to put Spirits in their right place.
Denial of true feelings in favor of an image of Loving acceptance did not allow it then.
Right place and true feelings must be accepted on Earth now.
It can be seen on Earth that many things are not in their right place. True feelings must be accepted
in order for things to go to their right place.
Think about this and see how it works in your own life.
Denial cannot see what is really happening
and cannot feel it either.
Things can then be out of place
and you do not let yourself recognize it
or expess yourself in the way
that would put things in their right place
in relationship to you.

Right place is tied in with loving acceptance also.
Loving acceptance means that everything has a right to be.
Right place means it does not have to be where it is not accepted. Denial of right place has allowed everything to mix together on Earth
in the belief that this was Loving acceptance.
Loving acceptance does not deny anything; this is true;
and yet there was hidden denial here
even though many loving Spirits thought there was not.
These Spirits pressured themselves,
trying to make themselves accept other Spirits and experiences that they did not like.
True feelings were denied here,
and in this denial the denial Spirits could operate.
If you have no denial,
you have no denial Spirits around you to reflect it to you.
Without denial, you are no longer right place for them
and they are no longer right place for you.
Expression of true feelings is going to let the ones around you know whether you want them there or not
and likewise, you will find out if you are in your right place or not.

There is dread on Earth of having everything come out in the open. This dread of seeing reality for what it really is
has deep roots in Original Cause
and was first reenacted on Earth in the land of Pan.
Denial is the way many have avoided their dread, fear and even panic. Spirits need to be ready for the experiences they have.
Emotions are not to be denied
in favor of the experience that is triggering them.
This is how many Spirits got themselves overwhelmed
to the point of feeling they had to deny.
Denial is now so much a part of everyone and everything that

2010-page 120 ["Understandings of Denial"]

Since the feelings give the Spirit the information
needed to gain the understandings,
denial of feelings is an effective way to short-circuit Spirit also.
Many people have tried to deny this problem by saying
that it isn't possible for Spirit to have any problems,
but I want to say that it is entirely possible.
It is even possible for a Spirit to decide it does not want to exist,
but those who have made this choice
should not be allowed to take others with them.

Since I do not want any of My Spirits
to go down the path of denial any longer
without knowing what they are doing
so that they can make a choice,
I have decided that intervention is necessary.
I am offering the understandings needed
and taking the actions necessary to straighten things out on Earth.
Part of this action is taking the form of removing Spirits from Earth
and putting them in their right place.
This needs to be accepted by the ones remaining on Earth.
I have tried to do this before,
and each time, the ones remaining
have drawn back to earth the ones removed.

Acceptance of true feelings opens the space for Me
to put Spirits in their right place.
True feelings and right place must be accepted on Earth now.
It can be seen that many things are not in their right place on Earth.
True feelings must be accepted
in order for things to go to their right place.
Think about this, and see how it works for you in your own life.
Denial cannot see what is really happening and cannot feel it, either. Things can then be out of place,
and you do not let yourself recognize it
or express yourself in the ways
that would allow things to be in their right place in relationship to you.

Right place is tied in with loving acceptance aslo.
Loving acceptance means
that everything has a right to be in the place that is right for it.
Denial of right place has allowed everything to mix together on Earth.
In some cases, guilt has played a large role here,
but so, also, has bad intent.
It is true that loving acceptance does not deny anything,
and yet, there was hidden denial here,
even though many loving Spirits thought that there was not.
Guilt has confused many into thinking that guilt is love.
Love, however, does not involve self-denial
and guilt always does.
When Spirits have pressured themselves
to accept other Spirits and experiences that they did not like,
true feelings were denied there.
These feelings were usually judged to be unloving.
When you feel pressured by guilt, go to a private place
and give expression to the emotions being triggered.

1984-page 127 ["Understandings on Denial "]

almost no one realized anymore that they are doing it.

In Pan many Spirits felt overwhelmed
by the reality they saw before them.
These Spirits felt they could not leave Earth.
These Spirits could not make the ones upsetting them leave Earth because of their confusions about Loving acceptance. These Spirits then felt they had no way to go other than denial.
Some denied the reality in front of them
and some denied their feelings about the reality in front of them. Denial compounded the problem it attempted to solve
by allowing the situation to get much more out of hand
than it would have otherwise.

Experience is still overwhelming many on Earth today.
The situation has gotten so out of hand
that many feel they cannot do anything but deny it.
Many have held in denial
everything they feel about the world in general
and have tried to live their own lives as best they can,
yet this is no longer the way they want their lives to be.
Denial is having to take place in personal life now
also in order to avoid what would otherwise make life
unpleasant and frightening.

In short, you have been pushed to the wall on Earth.
The denial now has to move, this is the only out available.
Recognition and removal of denial
is going to open the way to reclamation of power.
Overpowering has taken place because of denial
and individual power is lost
when parts of the self are placed in denial.
When denial ends, the overpowering will end also.

end of the chapter "Understandings on Denial" in the 1984 version
What follow in this version , is the chapter
Steps to Healing & Complete Recovery.. .... 127

2010-page 121 ["Understandings of Denial"]

Denial opens space for denial Spirits to operate.
If you have no denial,
you have no denial Spirits around you to reflect your denials to you. Without denial, you are no longer right place for them.
Expression of true feelings
is going to make these things increasingly clear to you.
There is dread on Earth of having things come out in the open.
Denial has been the way
many have avoided their dread, fear and even panic.
This dread of seeing things as they are
also has deep roots in Original Cause,
but seeing things as they are is better, in the long run,
than pretending that things are otherwise.
It may be a great relief from the pressure
of constantly pretending and trying to keep up appearances.
Expression of true feelings can also create the movement needed
to bring changes you can really like.

Spirits need to be ready for the experiences they have.
Emotions are not to be denied
in favor of the experiences that are triggering them.
This is how many Spirits got themselves overwhelmed
to the point where they felt they had to deny.
Denial is now so much a part of everyone and everything
that almost no one realizes they are doing it,
and those who do, often realize it only later.

In Pan,
many Spirits felt overwhelmed by the reality they saw before them
There were so many fast form changes that nothing seemed stable. These Spirits felt that they could not leave Earth.
They felt they had no place else to go
and no place else they wanted to go.
These Spirits could not make the ones upsetting them leave Earth, because of their confusions about loving acceptance.
They then, felt they had no way to go other than denial.
Some denied the reality in front of them,
and some denied their feelings about the reality in front of them.
In increasing their denials, these Spirits did not realize
the role their own denials were already playing.
Denial compounded the problem it attempted to solve
by allowing the situation to get much more out of hand
than it would have othrweise,
but at the time it seemed the only possible way to go.

Experience is still overwhelming many on Earth today.
Many still feel that the situaton has gotten so out of hand
that they can't do anything but deny it.
Many have been holding everything they feel about the world in general in denial,
trying to live their lives as best they can,
yet this is no longer the way they want their lives to be.
Those who think that life on Earth, at present, is good,
have lost their vision of how life could be and of how life is meant to be. Denial in your personal life has been enabling you to avoid
what would otherwise make your life unpleasant and frightening.

2010-page 122 ["Understandings of Denial"]

In short, many feel they have been pushed to the wall on Earth.
The denial now has to move; this is the only out [sic] available.
The recognition and ending of denial
is going to open the way for reclamation of power.
Individual power is lost when parts of the self are placed in denial. Overpowering has taken place because of denial.
When denial ends, overpowering will also end.

end of the chapter "Understandings on Denial" in the 2010 version

Here follows the chapter:
FORM AND GRAVEN IMAGES in the 2010 version,
which - in the 1984 version - appeared already on p. 61, before the chapter "Acceptance"

2010-page 122b ["Form and Graven Images]

The idea that everything is One is an accurate understanding,
and yet differentiation and delineation is necessary
in order to experience this Oneness in manifestation.
Form has many things to teach, as does experience.
There have been many misunderstandings about Form on Earth,
and many understandings have been denied.
Denial of the importance of Form has already imbalanced Form on Earth so seriously
that it has not been able to fully express the consciousness within it .
When this has happened, I have had to intervene to straighten this out enough
that Form could stay in Manifestation.

Manifestion in Form must be respected, even by those who do not understand its purpose. The purpose of Manifestation is not fully understood on Earth,
but Manifestation must be accepted, so that experience can bring the understandings.
Form cannot be judged to be beneath Me. I am everythng.
When Spirits have shut Me out of their consciousness by their own limits,
I have let them learn as long as possible
and have interceded only when I have had to restore balance.
Because i have not seemed to intercede lately,
in ways that have been clearly apparent to those denying Me,
these denials have seemed to prove their own judgments
that I am not interested, don't exist,
haven't any real powers, am beyond man or don't relate to man.

Judgments believed by the mind, and held in place by unmoving emotions,
have drastically limited the channels open to Me
to reach people in ways they can recognize as God.
Refusal to recognize and accept Me
has created a strong illusion of separation between Myself and most people on Earth.
Many deny this separation, but the illusion is real enough for the ones experiencing it. Holding limits on Me does not allow you to see Me for what I am.
This is not unlike worshipping a graven image.

Form is a manifestation of essence and must be aligned with essence
in order to really manifest that essence.
Confusion about Formin the beginning

2010-page 123 ["Form and Graven Images]

caused many to deny their true Form in favor of another Form.
In doing this , many had to deny some of their essence in order to take on another Form. Expression in Form has been imbalanced
because of the inbalances between Spirit and Will.
You can restore your true Form by aligning your Spirit and Will.
True Form needs to return and will return.
By taking the steps you can take to align with Me,
you can make this process easier for yourself.

At one time on Earth, I gave everyone who could accept it, human form,
temporarily, to see if this would help them to work out confusion about Form.
I have watched this closely, and I have clearly seen
that even though I have restored the balance in Form numerous times,
these Spirits have also continued to deny essence that is really theirs,
and their Form is still trying to express this essence.
Even though these Spirits have claimed
that their problems were because they were different from others,
giving them human form has not solved their problems.
Many on Earth are not comfortable in human form, and yet, they asked Me for it
and told Me that their true Form was not the Form they wanted to have.
I have given these Spirits the maximum amount of time possible to give for experiencing
a Form other than their true Form.
The reality is that Spirits must now accept their true Form
and realize that this is the form in which they can best evolve.

Locking oneself into rigid Form,
flowing through Form changes without realizing why,
claiming that Form is all there is
and claiming that Form is something to be transcended,
are manifestations of some of the ways
in which Form has been misunderstood, used and, thus , denied.
Judgments about Form, and the accompanying emotional charge,
are needing release along with the rest of your release
so that Form can become more freely responsive,
and your physical body will have the freedom
to reflect your increasing self-acceptance.

I want to point out that some Spirits did not want their form to reflect their essence.
These Spirits denied that their form did reflect their essence
because they did not want to be seen for what they were.
This denial of Form confused many others about form and essence,
and they began to deny their true forms also.
Some denied true form in an attempt to disguise themselves,
some to aggrandize themselve
and some in an attempt to diminish themselves.
There are many emotions here.

One effect of these denials was to pressure Form
toward becoming much more similar, and much less differentiated,

2010-page 124a ["Form and Graven Images]

than it is meant to be.
This has been another attempt to limit Me by limiting My expression in Form.
Many of the Spirits doing this claimed
that I was trying to force essence into forms it did not want,
or that I was punishing by forcing unwanted forms on Spirits who did not deserve it.
While these points of view were certainly believed by many,
all of Creation has free Will,
whether the Spirits understand what this really means or have to learn it.
Form has had a rigidity on Earth for quite some time,
and this needs to heal now.

Here - in the 2010 version - follows another chapter:
RIGHT USE OF WILL AS A HEALING POWER FOR YOURSELF AND EARTH, P. 124-129,
which in the 1984 version appeared already on p. 37
Right Use of Will as a Healing Power for Yourself and Earth
[after the chapter "Emotional Release"]

2010-page 124b ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth]

RIGHT USE OF WILL AS A HEALING POWER FOR YOURSELF AND EARTH

If your feel that you are holding too much to risk clearing yourself
by starting with what has been given in this book,
I suggest that you trust your own feelings here.
Remember, though, that even small releases can help you,
and if it is really too much for you,
you can appeal to Me to bring you another way to heal yourself.

The patten of increasing personal denial along with the denial of the Earth, itself,
has been crossing the midpoint, which is why I must now intervene.
Once denial has crossed the midpoint, once you have denied more than half of yourself,
you have lost so much understanding and personal power
that you must reclaim what you have lost, step by step,
so that you are not misled by confusions the denials present.
When you have denied more than half of yourself,
your magnetic center is weaker than the denial,
and denial has more power over your life than the rest of you has.
This is the reality faced on Earth today.
More than half of the Spirits on Earth have denied more than half of themselves.

Problems with keeping the full self together have been being handled
by bringing forward only some of what needs be cleared at any one time.
In terms of reincarnation, thas has meant
that people have been incarnating with only a part of themselves.
See that increasing the holding patterns in the part that you have with you now
can imperil your ability to clear.
Aging and illness indicate that Body is in need of nourishment from My Loving Light.
Death means that there is no other option,
and for some people, this is going to be the case.
It may be that Body cannot hold any more,
or it may be that Earth is no longer that person's right place.
For some, death means that not enough of the self

2010-page 125 ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth]

came forward with them in this life,
and they need to use this means to go and seek the rest of themselves in order to heal.

When you have stated intent to heal,
whether you are able to recognize the form it comes in, or not,
you can regard everything that comes your way as an opportunity to heal something.
When you have cleared enough of what you have present with you,
aligning with your full self is going to be necessary.
This includes parts of you that you are not aware of yet.
Some of you can draw these parts to you, some will need to go and join these parts
and others will need to move in both of these ways.
Surrendring to your own Will and its progression is important,
but this doesnot mean that the Will is supposed to control you.
It means that the Will has been left so far behind
that it needs focus to be able to catch up and come into present time.
By no longer denyng anything in yourself,
your Spirit and your Will a can find balance in your Heart.
When the Will is freely able to respond to everything the Spirit has to suggest,
it may, at times, appear that the Will does not want to accept some things from the Spirit.
If the Spirit gives the Will as much time and understanding as the Will needs,
and it still cannot align with the Spirit on some things, the Spirit needs to look at itself more fully. Do not make a judgment that something cannot happen if the Will cannot do it yet.
It may not be the right time, or it may not be the right experience for you.
When Both Spirit and Will have unconditional acceptance of each other,
each can fulfill its role.
Heart then receives this balanced flow of energy and Body can freely manifest.
This ist the path of free Will and of unconditional love.

Denying and overriding and even deceiving, coercing and forcing the Will
were instrumental in creating the original imbalances.
When the Will, then, could not accept the experience it was having,
the Spirit did not accept this pain from the Will.
When Spirits didn't know what to do with the pain in their Will,
many Spirits told their Wills they had to let go of these things
without their Spirit having to receive it.
The Will was not able to do this, and, then, felt it had to hold this
until the Spirit would accept it.
Most of this pain has been held from the very beginning.

When the Will's response was not accepted,
the holding patterns that were established then, shut down most of the Will.
The overpowering of the Will has prevented it
from having enough trust in Spirit to surrender easily to it.
Because the Will felt that it could not come straight ahead and be accepted,
it began to be manipulative, indirect or sideways in its approach to Spirit.

2010-page 126 ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth]

The Will needs the Spirit to give this held pain loving acceptance
so that They can both gain trust.

Surrender means that you have unconditonal acceptance.
This is never achieved in any real way by overpowering something until it has to surrender. Neither Will nor Spirit is to be overpowered, and nothing is to be denied.
Because anger often felt it couldn't be bothered with all this;
it just wanted to do what it wanted to do,
anger movement is going to be necessary.
Where there are many old and deep denials,
there may be resistance to the idea that manifesting this healing means
you are going to have to go down first in order to bring these denials up and into present time.

Many have judged the physical self to be base and dense
and have found themselves to be trapped in this.
These Spirits began to break off from what they didn't love
and leave their physical Body behind when they longed for other planes of existence
and found that they could no longer speed up their physical Body and take it along.

Instead of denying how you feel abut what the experience on Earth has been,
realize that this denial is a way
in which power has been being given to the very ones denying free Will on Earth.
The fact that dissidents have been arrested, or worse,
and that effective actions to curtail the overriding of free Will on Earth
have, so far, met with so much denial is not reason to believe it will always be this way.
If denial ends in the ones wishing to protect themselves and the Earth from being overridden, outer reality can shift.

The way to protect yourself and the Earth
does not require that you do anything you don't want to do.
Moving with your own internal process is going to be enough, if you really do it.
This does not mean that your ability to act outwardly is going to be paralyzed.
You are seeking to find balance, and imbalanced moves may be difficult to rectify.
You can express the feelings you have about what is happening on Earth
with yourself, to Me and with those you trust.
Do not underestimate the power of this expression
by judging or holding the judgment that expressing emotions does no good.
By processing as much as you can before making any outer shifts in your life,
ways can open to you, or become clear, in ways that were not apparent before.

Your internal alignment determines the power you have to get what you want.
If, for example, from a place of partial alignment with yourself,
you feel a need to ask Me to heal the Earth,
I will respond to that request anyway
because it is for the highest good of Earth.

2010-page 127 ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth]

I do like to hear from you that you want this also, but I also want you to realize
that this healing must happen in the way that will really bring the full healing that Earth needs.

If you ask Me to heal you and the Earth right now,
it may appear that I am not answering your request if there is a time lag,
or if you do not understand the form that this healing must take.
This healing is a process of alignment.
If you have denial in parts of yourself, you are not fully in touch
with what could be holding back immediate response and instantaneous healing.
Your healing must happen in the right way and at the right time.
I must help you, and the Earth, to heal in the way that is appropriate.
Even though healing is happening,
you still need to process all of your responses to what is happening to you and around you.
To be able to ask Me for something from a place of alignment,
you neeed to know what all of you wants.

Original misunderstandings thought that pushing away everything
that did not agree with what the conscious part wanted was the way to achieve alignment.
As a result, most people have only part of themselves consciously present with them.
Because these denials are parts of the self, they seek to return.
When some parts of the self are not being given acceptance,
they continue to seek access to the conscious awareness
by drawing repeat patterns that reflect their presence.
Because denial draws its own reflection,
denials can draw experiences that are not what the conscious part thought it was creating.
Your denials may be extensive, and buried enough,
that they undermine the very things your conscious part wants to draw.
In these places there is judgment instead of My Loving Light.
Many of these denials are held in what has been called the subconscious,
and to heal, you need to know what they are doing.

The way to heal yourself and the Earth
is to end denial in yourself so that you have an alignment
about what healing is for you and for the Earth.
If part of you asks Me to heal you and the Earth, for example,
and you hold in denial a part of you that is furious that things are the way they are,
and that I haven't done this already,
this denied part is not receptive to My help
because it doesn't believe I am giving it.
I cannot heal a part of you
if it means lifting you away from other parts of you that are holding your denials.
I cannot rescue you by ifting you away from a part of yourself,
because you must take responsiblity for your entire self.
When you have denial present,
healing often comes in the form of the experiences you need to help you recognize your denials.

2010-page 128 ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth"]

You must do your part as much as you can.
If it is rea lly too much for you, you may be lifted out temporarily,
but you will still need to take responsibility later for what you haven't healed.
This is why I am encouragng you to heal as much as you can now.
If you feel this is a burdensome bother, let this anger surface and express
until you are able to move to a place of deeper understanding with it.

Since healing must happen, everyone is getting what they need.
When you have had disagreements with parts of yourself
and instead of finding alignment, they were denied participation with the rest of you,
it can appear that they do not want the same things that you want.
Then, one part cannot be answered without another part feeling denied.
This is why so many people do not think they are getting what they want,
but they are getting what they need, no matter how it looks.

Since denials seek to gain acceptance and alignment
by bringing themselves to your awareness,
the more people have sought to keep denials away,
the stronger the reflection has been getting.
The fact of the matter is that when you have alignment,
initially with your intent to heal and, then, with your full self,
what you want and what you need are the same thing.

To heal the Earth, you need to heal yourself first.
In ending your denials, you can tell Me everything you like and don't like
about the reality in which you live and also how you want your reality to be.
This can clarify your alignment with your right place, and is also important
because it gives your healing parts a renewed vision to encourage them
and an opportunity to express doubts and fears about whether this healing is possible of not.

Denial fo Me has been involved here, too.
So many people have believed that I am the God they think I am, rather than the God I am,
that they have often limited My help to the ways in which they could imagine My help.
Very often, help from Me is right there, and people haven't recognized it.
Very often, I am right there, and people haven't recognized Me.
You have the power to limit My Presence in your own life,
but you do not have the power to limit Me.
Along with aligning your own Spirit and Will, you need to align with Me.
To do this, you need to release all judgments of what I am and what I am not.

All the emotions that have been empowering these judgments
also need to surface so they can shift.
When you can really feel that I am a loving God,
you will also be able to feel what is loving and what is not..

2010-page 129 ["Right use of Will as a healing power for yourself and Earth"]

Right Use of Will offers an opportunity to accomplish more
and also give oneself the opportunity
to learn to come and go at Will from the physcal plane again
without having to use the birth/death approach.
This can allow the Spirit to leave Earth with its entire self
rather than with only the less dense levels of vibration
and relieve people of much of the grief of separation when a loved one passes away.
This alignment is necessary
because the physical part of everyone is just as much a part of the Spirit
as any other part.
Body is the divine Manifestation of Spirit, Will and Heart,
and so, is the Fourth Aspect of My Light.

When you have aligned in this way,
you will be able to ask Me to help you and the Earth, and know that I am.
You will be able to ask Me for deeper understandings
and to help you understand the needs of everything on Earth.
You will be able to ask Me to restore the Earth to its full beauty, purity and ease of living.
You will be able to hear Me and see Me at work there.
You will be able to recognize it when I speak through people around you
and when I do not.
When you have alignment, you have agreement about what you want.
This agreement allows it to happen
because nothing in your energy field is in contradiction with your desire,
and your desire is attracting it to you.
When desire is aligned with Spirit, there is no problem in having your Heart's desire.

Spirit needs to inspire and guide, the Will needs to respond
and their balanced interaction needs to select.
However, the free and full response of the Will has been mostly missing,
and I have seen that denial is why the Will has not been responding.
Clearing this denial is going to allow true feelings to emerge,
and true feelings can then tell Me how you would like your reality to be.
I do not want to deny anything, and I won't,
but you have the power to deny yourself.
I am offering you this information as an opportunity to end your denial
so that so that you can recognize, accept and feel gratitude
for what you are being given.
This recognition needs to be in all parts of you,
not just the part that wants to tell Me that you already know this.

Healing the Earth is something that comes along with healing yourself
more than you may be able to recognize in advance of the experience.
If you are willng to take the path that leads to your own healing,
you need only begin where you are,and let it unfold.
You can tell Me anything you have in your consciousness
and everything you want to have.
While this is happening,
you can feel Me drawing near as you open to receive My Loving Light.

STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE RECOVERY in both versions: 1984, p. 127-130 , and 2010, p. 130-133b

STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE RECOVERY

Recognizing your own denial
is the first step.
Recognize every feeling and thought
you would otherwise push away,
or ignore.
I want to point out
that positive thinking
is based on denial
when it focuses
on only a part of yourself.
Part of you gets better and stronger
and the other part gets more denied.
This is why so many feel
they have to discipline
and otherwise pressure themselves.
The denied part
is trying to get acceptance.
You need to accept everything
that is there with you
and give it release
so it can tell you
what it needs and wants.

2010- p. 130 ["STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE RECOVERY "]

It is important to honor the progression that arises from your own Will,
however, I would also like you to know
that you cannot go the whole route to your own healing
if you do not understand your own Original Cause.

Letting your process unfold in this way
will help you understand how the causes have affected everything
that has happened since and enable you to clear things at their source.
Will movement without input from My Light about Original Cause,
may present you with some things you do not understand.
If you allow the movement, you may get the understandings,
but you need to be open to information
that does not fit into anything you have been aware of so far.

Many things have been lost into the "subconscious"
that need to be brought into consciousness now and understood.
For most people, this is impossible without the help I am giving now,
although some people have deeply held feelings toward Me
that will make them want to give it a try on their own.
When these things lost in the "subconscious" begin to surface,
they will surface showing you the judgments against them
which caused them to be pushed down and out of your consciousness.
These are judgments, and not all there is to the reality of your original experiences.

This sort of deep movement in your Will may not happen at first,
but when it does happen, it needs to be
when you are alone or in the presence of others you trust.
Expression from parts of your Will that have been heavily guilt-laden
should not take place in the presence of others who do not understand,
and who might take the role of acting out the judgments
you, yourself, hold against the expression of these emotions,
such as deciding you are crazy or dangerous.

Some of you who are more Will-polarized, may have upsurging emotions
as your Wills' way of beginning this process.
Another way to begin is by recognizing your own denials.
A way to do this is by accepting every feeling and thought
you would otherwise push away or ignore.
By going into them, rather than away from them, you can gain the understandings needed there. I want to point out that talking yourself out of the need to do this
can be a form of "positive thinking ".
"Positive" thinking is based in denial when it encourages focus on only a part of the self.
Part of you gets better and stronger, and the other parts get weaker and more denied.

1984- p. 128 ["Steps to Healing and Complete Recovery"]

The next step is reclaiming this denied part of yourself.
In doing this, you must not feel it is just a mental exercise.
You must accept everything that comes from any place in you
and express it emotionally with yourself.
When you have expressed everything you can in any one session, determine whether this feels like it is part of you or not.
If there is no way you can come to peace with this expression
as a part of you,
ask Me to put it in its right place.
Then let it go, and I will do this for you.
If you feel a little ceremony is in order, do that,
or ask Me for help in any way you feel is right for you.
[see the Godchannel file "Sacrifice"]

If the expression does feel like a part of you
but very sickened by its state of denial,
you need to nurse it back to health in any way that you can.
Talk to it; accept its responses to you.
Explain to it why you felt you had to deny it.
Apologize to it, ask its forgiveness.
Forgive yourself for denying it.
In short, negotiate a new relationship
between this part of yourself and the rest of you.
Release judgments involved.
Then, allow this part of yourself to be a participant in your daily life. Accept its contributions to what you feel like doing.

This is a process
that is going to be ongoing for quite some time in your life
if you really get into it and find all your own denial.
If you feel you cannot spot all of your own denial,
let outward reality show it to you.
This is something that has been a source of much confusion on Earth, but feeling it, is going to straighten this out.

This is how you can see your own denial in outward reality:
look at everything that is happening in the world
and let all your feelings about it come up.
Express them with yourself at first
and find out what they really are.
Then allow yourself to take any action you feel
will improve your own situation on Earth.
Notice everyting you feel in relationship to taking action.
Express these emotions.
Do not push yourself into action before you feel ready.
If you need to release emotions in advance of taking any action do that.
Start with something simple that you feel you can do.
For example, you might start by telling someone
who is talking to you for longer than you want to listen
that you have to end the conversation.
Tell them exactly when you feel it should end
and do not give them an untrue excuse for ending it.
This has not been considered polite in many circles,
but I want to point out

2010- p. 131 ["Steps to Healing and Complete Recovery"]

This is why so many have felt
they have had to use repetitive affirmations, discipline control
and other means of pressuring themselves to keep away
what they have labeled "negative."
What has been denied here is fear of negativity
as though it causes the problems rather than pointing them out.
These denied, or judged against, aspects of the self
have things to teach and need acceptance.

As you begin to notice your denials,
the next step is to reclaim these denied parts of yourself.
In doing this, you must not feel that it is just a mental exercise.
In addition to judgment release,
movement in your emotions is what is needed
to open the space for these denied parts to have a place with you.
Freedom of emotional expression as sounds,
combined with releasing the judgments that have been held there
can allow this essence to move and change,
but this is not a method that can be applied.
It has to be felt.
These parts can integrate with you and be a helpful addition
if you give them the understanding and acceptance they need.
Once the will feels able to come forward with held charge, i
t may want to rush forward at times.
You will also find that, when held charge in the Will feels received
and has been able to express this held charge,
it will not feel the need to press forward so much.

First responses can be habitual, conditioned reactions
arising from the subconscious.
Even though your rational mind may be telling you
that there is no real reason to be reacting in the way that you are,
your reactions can be explored to find pathways into your subconscious. Gaining understandings can make it possible
to shift the reactions you want to shift r
ather than having to deny and control them.
Your first response can also be your intuition .
Increasing your attunement to yourself
is going to let you know the difference here.

When you are getting in touch with more parts of yourself in this way, you may find some things that just do not feel like a part of you.
It may be a critical voice,
urges to take actions that do not feel right to you or something else. Critical voices can be addressed and told to give good advice,
not criticism.
Direct expression of emotions as sounds
can replace urges to take actions.
If this feels like it may be a part of you,
but very sickened by its state of denial,
you need to nurse it back to health in any way you can.
If, however, you do not feel that you can find any way
to get the shift you want with these problems
or come to peace with this as a part of you,
you can ask Me to put it in its right place.
Then, let it go, and I will do this for you

1984- p. 129 ["Steps to Healing and Complete Recovery"]

that manners are based on denial.
The acceptance of true feelings
does not require any manners at all
because the attunement is perfect.
You will find this out by trying it.
If the ones around you will not accept this from you,
you need to move on and find other people
that are not interested in denying one another
in favor of externalized procedure.
This is form that is not aligned with essence.
If manners happen automatically, they are aligned with essence.

The fear I see in people around this issue is
that this sort of behavior is selfish
and, if you carry it a step further,
that society will revert to chaos
if people only do what they want to do.
I want to tell you: it's not going to happen.
If you are not doing what you want to do,
it's not right for you to be doing it.
If you turn the tables on something that confuses you,
you can see how it feels to you
and you can decide whether you want to do it or not.
If it would not feel good to you
to be the receiver of what you are doing,
then do not do it.
For example,
do you want to have someone listening to you
when they do not want to?

Starting with simple things and going on from there
is going to be a process of reclaiming your personal power.
Power is such a nasty word on Earth right now,
and yet, who has most of it?
Isn't it the ones, that are telling you should not have any?
They have the denial of your own power to work with.
I did not make Spirits to overpower one another.
You can only be overpowered by another
if you give up some of your power
so that they then appear to have more.
Personal power on Earth is seriously imbalanced.
The imbalance of power took place step by step
and you need to restore the balance step by step.

The Spirits that have an interest in overpowering others
can only increase their power by getting others to abdicate power.
It is a powerful illusion, increasing power by diminishing others.
This has been happening for such a long time on Earth
that many people do not believe
they have power over their own lives anymore.
In general, birth to death is regulated.
Think of everything you believe you have to do
just to be able to go on living on Earth.
This is not the way it's meant to be.
Everything on Earth is meant to be free, abundant and hospitable.
No one is meant to do anything he does not want to do
in order to have food and shelter.
Even though certain religious teachings have

2010- p. 132 ["Steps to Healing and Complete Recovery"]

If freeing your Will is your intent,
the process of Right use of Will
is going to be ongoing in your life for quite some time,
until free Will becomes so integrated
that it becomes your natural self-acceptance and spontaneity.
If you feel that you cannot find all of your denials,
you can let outer reality show them to you.
This is something that has been a source of much confusion,
but feeling it is going to straighten this out.
When you look at outer reality, you can let all of your feelings
about what is happening in the world around you come up.
Express them with yourself first, and find out what they really are.
See if there is anything you can do,
that you also feel like doing, to shift the situation.
Then allow yourself to do, or imagine doing, it.

Do not push yourself into any action until you feel ready.
Start with something simple that you feel you can do.
For example, you might start by tellng someone
who is talking to you for longer than you want to listen,
that you want to end the conversation.
When you feel it should end, tell them in your own words, right then,
and don't give them an untrue excuse for ending it.
Try to do this before unnoticed anger comes forward
and gives it a punch.

Even something as simple as this,
has no been consideed polite in many circles.
I want to point out that, even though they may still be necessary at times, manners are based in denial and guilt.
Attuned Will is naturally considerate and appropriate.
However, many people have impaired expression centers
from longstanding denial,
and may not be able so speak or act in the ways they would truly want to. If you need to express more emotions
before you can take any action or find the right words,
allow yourself to do that.
Notice everything you feel, and allow these feelings to have expression. Notice that you may be feeling guilty.
Guilt is a form of fear that how you feel is not alright,
and this fear needs space to move.

The attunement of free Will has a sensitivity
that does not require any rules of manners
because appropriateness can be felt.
Denying one another in favor of externalized procedures
is widespread at present
and may not be an appropriate way for you anymore.
If the ones around you will not accept any efforts on your part
to move toward more honesty and less denial,
make sure
that you are not still holding these judgments against yourself.
If those around you are still not opening to accept you here,
you can try to seek people who are more open in these ways.

The fear I see in people around this issue is
that this sort of behavior is selfish,
and, if you carry it a step further, that society

continuation of the chapter "Steps to Healing and Complete Recovery" in both versions, 1984 and 2010, see on the following page

As I had felt On November 1, 2011,
that I should re-read and copy the second and third RUOW book, and juxtapose them to the first, the BLUE BOOK,
so I feel now , on June 7, 2012,
that I should re-read and copy the fourth and the fifth RUOW book, and juxtapose them to the first, the BLUE BOOK,
on July 31, 2012 , I continue from having inserted p.160-189 towards inserting pages 190-219 of each of the two books.
In time I'll add links to the content titles.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light
The gap between Spirit and the Will moving out into manifested Creation caused a loss of consciousness in Manifestation,
thus diminishing the presence of manifested Spirit.
The gap between Spirit and Will is a real space,
as real a space as you will ever want to find,
and is the reason Heaven and Earth seem separated.
To bring light into this gap, you need as much understanding as possible. These books are a series and need to be read as such.
They tell stories in a progression
meant to surface things from the subconscious.

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart
Heart Song is about
finding the places in our hearts
that are not vibrating within loving acceptance.
The underlying emotions, even emotions called hateful,
need the vibration of expression without being acted out.
Expressing these darker emotions in a safe way
can bring evolution to them.
Without increased heart presence,
the balance we need cannot be found,
and the gap will continue to manifest the extremes.

Table of Contents

THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BBEN MADE.......... 143
[includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SAPCE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

Table of Contents

FEAR PRESENTING AS CURIOSITY ...........................1

FEAR PRESENTING AS AVOIDANCE PATTERNS .........9

FATHER HAS TO HELP YOU NOW .........................44

THE MOTHER SPEAKS ...............................71

HEART SEEMS TO COMPLICATE MATTERS ................80

THE MOTHER TRIES TO SHOW ME
HOW IT FEELS .............................85

HEART HOLDS HIS FEELINGS OUT OF THE PICTURE
THINKING IT MORE LOVING...............................93

THE MOTHER GETS TRAPPED
IN HER OWN REFLECTION............................114

IMPRINTING....................................127

ORIGINAL ORIGINAL CAUSE ..................................132

IMPRINTING IN MY LIGHT ............................169

MY LIGHT KNOWS
YOU NEED TO MOVE INTO YOUR BODY NOW.......181

IMPRINTING IN HEART'S LOST WILL....................186

THE FIGHT ................................196

THE FIGHT
FROM THE MOTHER'S POINT OF VIEW .............210

FRAGMENTATION..........................230

I continue from having inserted p.160-189 towards inserting pages 190-219 of each of the two books.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

p.190

Use your wits to know the rest of My meaning here and notice those around you that fight the movement needed now in any kind of subtle way. See what their intent here is and be careful of, in fact move away from, the ones who have no intent to move along with You now. Let them go, and let them release their Wills and give them back to you. Besides being lost Light, they also have lost Will essence that needs to be restored to its right place now.

Meanwhile (p.188) I was aware of the child out in the darkness having been given all of the denial of the Will, but I felt there was nothing I could do other than to put out a little plate of food and see if it was eaten when I was not around since the child was too afraid to come near Me. I did not know what I had done to frighten Her so much that all the gentleness I could muster now was not enough to win Her trust, I did not allow Myself to notice I was angry with Her for this. I thought I had to win Her love by being more gentle than I had been already. I did not know this only meant more denials that gave Her more problems.

My heart was in the right place. I did not like it that I had spirits suffering out in the darkness. It was a regrettable situation, but I did not know what more I could do about it or, as some people say now, what it had to do with Me. I believed I had given and was giving as much as I could. So many of the spirits seemed unwilling or unable to receive it, or else what I had given them had gotten away from them somehow, or had turned as shabby in their grasp as they were.

I did not like the feeling that my Light was being unappreciated, lost and mistreated in these ways. I had an almost deliberate intent now not to extend Myself anymore in these ways. In places, I had hardened My Heart by not allowing Myself to feel the situation any more than I had to. I wanted to hide out at home where I would not have to look at the spirits who claimed to be so unhappy in My Creation. And I must say that all of the spirits seemed to have hardened their hearts toward Me from the reverse position of not wanting to have to look at My Light because of how uncomfortable It made them feel.

"Fine," part of Me thought. "If that's the way they want it, that's the way they're going to have it."

Part of Me continued to project My image of perfection as necessary, in part of Me, I held anger, and in the rest of Me, I grieved and feared and searched for the answers I am giving to you now.

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER

I have since moved even the feelings that seemed cold then and have seen how much I really loved the Will and how much I was using anger to cover My own feelings of being hurt by the Mother. The Mother was so frightened of My seeming lack of love for Her that She did not try very hard to question Me here. The truth of the matter was that the Mother could not gain audience with Me regarding these matters, because I did not have intent to allow it. I was too afraid of what She might have to say to Me, but I did not know it then.

I had asked Her to make up Her mind between the Father of Manifestation and Me because I did not see how We could go on in a love triangle so full of tension that love seemed to be turning to hate. I viewed it as a bleed-off of My creative energy to be so constantly entangled in emotional turmoil. I wanted it solved! And yet, I didn't want it solved, because I was afraid the Mother might not make the decision I wanted Her to make.

The longer She put off coming to Me with Her decision, the more it appeared to Me that She was avoiding coming to Me and choosing to be with the Father of Manifestation , or even worse, Lucifer. I felt that not coming to Me was Her decision and that I had no choice but to protect Myself accordingly. Nevermind that I didn't notice I lacked the courage, Myself, to check out My perceptions here. I remained stuck in the feeling that I could not trust the Mother to tell Me the truth anyway.

Meanwhile, no matter what motions the Mother seemed to be going through, She could not really move toward alignment with either One of Us because of the guilt She then felt about the feelings She had involved with the other One. It was a "no-win" situation for the Mother as well as for the Ronalokas, who not only lost consciousness when they moved away from My Light, but lost presence with the Father of Manifestation as well. It was also "no-win" situation for everyone else.

In My vision, I had seen the spirits swimming in the ethers. All of their bodies were open in ways that could be likened to the presence gills, or of so many flower petals, fanning the ethers in and out from head to toe. Sustained by the ether, the spirits swam to and fro, going twoard and embracing what appealed to them and swimmng away from what repelled them.

The flow fo the ethers in and out nourished the spirits, who

p. 190

conception whether it is wanted or not, miscarriages, abortion, still born babies, premature birth in which the baby either does not live or has to struggle to live, a feeling of not being formed right, birth defects, heart that is not formed right, being born at the wrong time for the parents, at the wrong time in their relationship, born into a bad parental relationship, a feeling of being born into a place where you are not received, or not well received, child abuse, child neglect and abandonment. Most "right-to-life" people are denied heart people who are acting on imprinting that says they cannot stand any repeats of what happened to them.

Heart's Will and Body Parents (sic), and thus His earthly parents, imprinted as unfit, the source of Heart's problems and the objects of Heart's blame, If Heart's parents had made the right moves, Heart would have had, for some, a start in life, and for others, a much better start in life and everything else would have been much better as a result.

Heart's imprinting hardly blames My Light at all because the light that penetrated Heart here convinced Heart that the Light was not to blame. It even admitted to its intent toward the Will and said that it was My intent. Heart was constantly being told that the Will was the main reason for the problems He was having. When the Mother called forth the Father of Manifestation, this light told Heart that Body was at the "beck and call" of the Mother. Heart distrusted Them as an evil pair. Part of Heart saw Body as causal by having pulled the Mother His way, and part of Heart saw the Mother as causal. Heart saw body as unconscious and stupid on His own, needing or using others to empower him. Part of Heart saw the Mother as causal since without Her, Body would do as I said. Only when My Light empowered Body did Heart feel at all good about it, even though part of Heart thought the Father of Manifestation was using Me and other parts of Heart thought it was the other way around. When I detached Myself from Body, Heart did also. Heart wanted to go where I went and do as I did, because Heart's imprinting said that was the way Heart would not be a victim.

The deep feelings held here within Heart give Heart fear of His Parents and also the feeling of beng unable to trust Them. This fear and distrust add up for Heart to be bad intent in His Parents that is much more than ignorance or insensitivity to Him. In His denied anger, Heart wants revenge and feels He has the power to do what His Parents cannot do.

Heart's imprinting tells Him We do not give Him, or love, a

p. 191

chance, and that He should have Our job because He would not mess it up the way We do. Heart wants to blame this on His Parents, and is doing it by saying it was not His fault because He was the product, result or child of the Mother's desire and was a victim because He was not conscious enough to have any control over what happened. The Will of Heart, especially, holds the imprinting this way; I was the product of My Mother's desire for a mate and I was put forward in an effort to get him, grab him, lure him, trap him, and I'm very confused about this because I thought the feeling was love and it didn't turn out to be. Imprinting here in Heart reads, "Nothing is as it seems," which feeds Heart's distrust and the feeling Heart has that He cannot trust anyone else's perceptions to tell Him what anything really is.

Heart was terribly damaged in these initial strikes of the light and even though Heart wants to blame His Parents for this by saying He was prematurely dangled, thrust, or ushed out there without any way to do anything about it, Heaft needs to understand that He cannot exonerate Himself from responsibility on the basis of unconsciousness and powerlessness and hold Us responsible for what happened there as though We had the consciousness to prevent it, and that if We didn't prevent it, We are of bad intent and unfit to be Parents because We were supposed to be more conscious, and then claim He is more qualified for the Parental role when He has already made consciousness His requirement for qualifying. These claims of Heart's are all based on hindsight anyway, a hindsight Heart could not have had if He had not had Us to study. Heart also needs to understand that if He doen't want to be held responsible for His lack of ability, or consciousness to prevent what happened, He cannot hold Us responsible for Ours by saying that if We are the Parents, we should have known more than We did.

The point that has to be established here is whether it was unconsciousness, or bad intent feigning unconsciousness as a way to escape responsibility. Heart has imprinting He needs to move into now so that He can bring to them the understandings they need; for without this, Heart cannot change the subconscious causes for the blame He feels for everyone else. This is not going to be easy for Heart, because like everyone else, Heart has, for all of His existence, seen life through the lens of His imprints.

Heart does not yet know how He blames Himself, but underneath it all, Heart does not trust His own perceptions and blames Himself for prematurely seeking the means to leap toward life or

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

p.192

took in the essence around them, felt it for what it was, and put it back out if they didn't like it. I did not see how the spirits would not do this if they were given Freewill. I liked Freewill, and this was what I had in mind for the spirits. It seemed to Me the easiest and most natural of ways and I did not like any of the pictures where this had not worked out well for all of the spirits involved. I had not embraced these images, and I did not think I was creating from them.

When it did not always happen that the spirits moved toward what pleased them and away from what did not please them, I noticed that they were moving according to what they thought would please others, especially Me. I was puzzled, but I did not see the role of guilt. I did My best to encourage the spirits to please themselves, but they seemed unable to understand Me here and claimed they were already doing that.

Often, I then saw them trying to do what they thought I thought was best for them, even more than they had done before. In My puzzlement here, I came up with all manner of reasons for this, mostly blaming everyone and everything but Myself. I thought Heart and I were exonerated, because We had gone over My plan so carefully and had found no flaws in it. I thought the rest of Creation had more to learn than I first thought and most of the blame fell upon the Mother for allowing what was supposed to have been Freewill to become such a game of entanglement.

I punished the Mother many times in My imagination for making such a mess of My Creation as though She had done it on purpose as some sort of act of anger against Me. I assumed She was mostly motivated by possessiveness and jealousy and everything else I labeled negative. As part of the punishment, I allowed Myself to rob Her, without allowing Myself to know that I was actually doing this, of Her power to reach Me with any of this. Besides acting aloof and like I didn't care what She did or what happened to Her, I robbed Her of most of Her power by deciding that everyting I liked about the Will was My Will and the rest of it was Hers.

Thus, everything I didn't like became lost Will. Therefore, the feelings you have in the Will Polarity of not having been loved by My Light , of not having been helped by My Light, of having to stand by and watch all of the other spirits being helped by My Light while you were made to feel that it was your own fault you did not receive help, the feeling I did not have time for you, the terror of feeling you had manifested in the presence of a God who did not love you but who had power over your lives, along with all the

p.193

feelings of having this happen because you deserved it in some way you could determine, and finally the feelings of rage and hatred toward Me, are all real and valid feelings that are going to have to move because these things happened to you.

As a result, you have had experiences than no other spirits have had. As you discover what these things are, you will also have to gain movement in the feelings of shame that make you want to hide these feelings and these experiences from others for fear of what these things say about you and of what other spirits will think of you.

You have sexual guilt that is more immense than any of the other spirits because of the way you were born, and this needs to move also by finding out how much sexual essence you have in a state of denial. You are going to have to do this by allowing yourselves to move any emotion you feel has presence during your lovemaking, whether you feel it is a big one at first or not.

In My vision, the free flow of feelings was supposed to move all of these things so that the healing I am having to bring to you now would never even have become necessary, but the role of guilt was immensely mis-seen and has to be allowed to move out now by gaining the trust of someone you love to finally be able to move whatever emotion you need to move. This is not going to be easy, given the gaps and fragmentation involved. So, if you have to change partners, allow it rather than continually pressuring the ones already near you to move with this if they are not already really moved from within themselves to do so.

What may have, at first, seemed to be love to you may turn out to be a guilt reflection, which you will become able to realize as you move along. Sometimes, partners have subconscious agreements to hold one another back in order to avoid certian emotions. This is guilt allowing you to reduce your vibration in favor of another, and as you grow past these limitations in yourself, you will grow past them in another. It is not always just movement in yourself that has the final effect on outer reality. All you have to do is move all you can with yourself, and if this is not enough to move the ones around you, move yourself away from Them.

The movement you need within must be allowed first, however, or your attempts to move out of situations will find you repeating them again in another form. It is almost impossible to know in advance what movement is going to be necessary once you get moving with this material, but if you are doing your best and you have no one else around you to help you, allow yourself to seek different people. This might even include writing to the publisher
*Please send SELF ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE

p. 192

love in a manner that would be regretted later. The fact of the matter is that Heart's Will made a leap that killed or seriously damaged most of Heart's Will and Body.

Even though Heart does not know what His imprinting is here, or the source of it, Heart's self-blame has been reflected in many ways. Often in the history of societies on Earth, matters of the Heart were discouraged rather than accepted or allowed. Marriages of the Heart were not thought to be as good, or as trustworthy, as marriages that were aranged on the basis of long-standing acquaintanceships [sic] of the families, reputation and stability of family backgrounds, economic status, power and social standing. In places where it has seemed that Heart has been allowed to prevail, the divorce rates have been extremely high where divorce is allowed, and marital unhappiness has appeared to be more prevalent than in marriages that were carefully arranged. Ths is all based on imprints formed initially in and about Heart, and is because Heart was not well-formed because of what happened in original Original Cause.

I have found that there is no way to heal the gaps involved in the lovelessness of this imprinting, or to get these gaps to receive, or to do more than give the appearance of listening without healing the damaged receptive centers, which means the lower chakras whose input is necessary for the formation of Heart. As impossible as it is for those who feel to imagine what it would be like not to feel, it is just as impossible for those on the other side of the gap who don't feel to imagine what it would be like to feel. Imagining another Light other than the light you already have seems almost impossible.

I hesitate to hold out hope here because this is going to be a very difficult healing to accomplish, but My Light knows it is possible because the Mother has already found Heart in the gap. If Heart can be found in the gap and nurtured and healed, then the gap between My Light and the Will-Body polarity can be healed by having Heart presence fill in the gap the way it is meant to, and My Light will then be able to flood the Earth and effect the changes I have for so long wanted and needed to bring to Earth.

My Light knows it is not possible to go into your imprinting without a lot of movement in the Will and in mind's ability to accept the Will in these areas first. It is impossible to move back in time, and especially with any speed, certainty, ease or depth of understanding in the presence of a lot of blocks along the way; but it is equally impossible to move forward under the circumstances,

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which is why nothing is happening really, no matter how it appears, except repeats Original Cause.

Even though it is a long path to take to go into your imprinting, your imprinting underlies everything you do, and although the subconscious is not really conscious in the ways the rest of consciousness has defined itself, it is tied to you and you are tied to it in ways that are very imprisoning. Once you begin to see what these strings really are, moving around in your consciousness will become easier for you because you will have a sense of purpose as to why you are doing this, why you have to do this and where you are going.

When the light without love struck the Will, some of it penetrated the Will and became trapped there, driving the Will like an unloving dictator ever since, and dragging the dead parts of the Will around as an example to the Will of what was going to happen to It if It did not obey instructions. It has not been possible for Will to move this light out until now because the Will could not let go of this light until My Light was ready to come in there; and I was not ready to come in there until now bcause I did not know how to do this and because I did not understand the Will well enough to know what was really going on there.

I did not know the Will or what the Will was and was not. I had to have a long experience with the Mother to understand who She is and who She is not, and I had My own imprinting which I had to find out about and learn how to go into first. I was so overwhelmed by what was happening, without being able to understand why it was happening, and I was holding so much back, hoping I could keep it from moving out into manifestation, not knowing any other approach I could dare to take, and this was creating so much pressure, that I was like a pontiff on a throne without knowing I was really more like a despot sitting on a manhole cover in order to hold the lid on a giant sewer into which I was pouring all of My denials and confusions, everything I didn't like and everything I didn't want, including the acknowledlgment that I had a Body or body functions, and it was spewing forth into the streams and rivers of Creation poisoning the life I meant to nourish.

I did not get ahold of this in Myself and I did not understand the reflections everyone else was giving Me for a long time. Now that My Light knows it is possible to model Creation from another blueprint, I would very much like to bring the changes necessary in order to be able to do this.

Immanuel and three other El-Al pilots had worked for months on the logistics of becoming appointed together
for a flight to Los-Angeles and back to Israel, having 4-5 days in between,
so they could drive by car - 8 hours - to "Moab" in the state of Utah and race on their bicycles through the mountains.

What inspires me to insert some of their 322 photos
on 9 pages with the copied texts of five of the Right Use of Will books,
[see the first of the pages with these images]
is not only the magnificent landscape, but the wondrous co-adventure of these four "grownup" people.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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and expressing your desire to get connected up, in some way, with other people who are working seriously with this material. You might be amazed of some of the ways you will be able to open to another here. [[July 31, 2012-attempts of mine failed painfully...]]

Healing the lost Will needs much more help than healing the denied, but still present, Will addressed in Right Use of Will. It is not right to run to someone with every little thing that wants to move. This can quickly become another pattern of avoidance and dependency, but the real issues of helping one another heal this can be greatly facilitated by group energy. [[I was granted to encounter and apply "Re-evaluation Counseling" or - my own expression: "Mutual Support" - already 8 years before i learnt about Right Use of Will, see pp17]]

And a group is what you are going to have to allow yourselves to have now, no matter how many fears you have to go through that you cannot come together without the effort having the effect of putting you even more apart than if you hadn't even tried. No matter how great your fear of being rejected, or of having to reject someone else, the movement necessary in the emotional body around the issue of a group being able to come together and move with the love and Freewill I initially envisioned has to be allowed through the effort of trying to come together. No matter how many people move back and do not stay, you must still go on being true to your own feelings or you will never find the love you are seeking. [But see the so important dialog "On Belonging to Groups" in Godchannel]

If you do not move what needs to move, you will continue to be born in the dark and suffocating, compressing terror of the Ronaloka's first journey to Earth, struggling all of your life not to allow yourself to notice how you really feel, surrounded by people who do not love you but who reflect only the guilt that does not let you move to breathe and expand toward your real self.

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW
HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE

The Ronalokas, especially, need to expand within themselves now by finding the lost essence that needs to expand and fill the places that have become hard and dense within their bodies. [July 31, 2012 - "Ya'acov in his wheelchair"....] The Ronalokas started out as Light beings, born in the Heavens of the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. By the time they got to Earth, they had been born again as a bunch of little half-dead babies who could not even cry at first. They had been compressed from Light bodies into little dense physical creatures who had experienced compression so great that their gill-like openness had retreated up toward their heads and back inside a bony structure that

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their bodies' resistance to being snuffed out had pressured into existence there. They had a dense and bony structure all over within them that was a result of their resistance to being squashed by the pressure that was coming in on them. Their struggle to hold up against it had given them backbone and legs, even though their legs had gone out from under them and lost the power to support them.

The Heart openness they had had, had given up almost entirely and had shrunk back inside the petal-like gills, or lungs, seeking also the protection of the bony structure. The Heart flow was only moving now in certain set channels that were also protected from direct openness. The lower parts of the Body weren't able to fan the ethers anymore, and they couldn't receive help from the lungs unless Heart could bring it down to them. The lower parts of the Body already realized they needed more nourishment than what Heart was bringing to them, and they were already seeking other forms of nourishment. Unable to bring anything much at all back up through Heart as their bodies had originally been designed to do, the lower parts of their bodies had to seek other avenues of release for what needed to move out of them.

The Will essence, which had begun as the most sensitive essence in creation, was now almost unable to feel enough to regain consciousness of Itself. Without a mother to nurture them, it looked doubtful that the Ronalokas would be able to last long at all. The Ronalokas had been born on Earth like a bunch of babies from Heaven, but the experience of it was one of infants who had such a struggle being born that their continued existence was threatened.

I WITHDRAW

Meanwhile, I was like a tired father who could not see the delivery through. As though I were the One exhausted by the length of the labor, I returned to My own place with an intense longing to go inside Myself and escape what was happening.

The Angels gathered around Me like siblings who weren't sure they wanted any others born into the family. I was trapped by My own guilt. They did not inquire about the Ronalokas or the Mother. They did not ask Me anything, but they had a projected feeling of gaiety that did not seem appropriate to Me, given the immense problems with which I was faced. I tried to pass it off at the time as the Angels only wanting to welcome Me home as usual, and also, as usual, trying to impress me with how upbeat they could be

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It has been said that these imprintings are necessary because of the way in which they have been observed to be the glue or foundation that holds Creation together. The imprints governing Creation now have held it together very well in some ways, but not in others. The problem is they were put in place without love. Imprints do not have to be put in place with violence and hatred, or even left by dark nothingness. Love is the glue and the firm foundation that is needed to hold Creation together. This is the role of true Heart.

The entire Will-Body polarity, including Heart that has not been able to move as Heart, has been subjected to imprinting that maintains the balance of the ecosystem by means of the checks and balances of predatory stalking and lives led in loneliness and terror with females burdened by rampant reproduction for the sole purpose of feeding predators , whileimprinting in the light has allowed it to take advantage of this in my ways, running rough-shod over the Will-Body polarity and slipping out without regard for the consequences of its actions, claiming this is only form change and nothing more, because the light has not been feeling it.

It is impossible to undertake change in this imprinting without massive form change on Earth. This might look loveless also if you do not move to feel it. If you do not want to let go of Lucifer's light and help reearrange things with Me, then you will have to go with him and follow the path this imprinting is taking because I can no longer abide experiencing this anywhere near Me.

The Heart of Creation is split and torn apart and in such pain, most of it is dead. If Heart cannot be found in the gap and nurtured and healed, there is no way to have any outcome other than damage, splits, destruction and death until there is nothing left of life that could give birth to love.

Closing the gap is not possible when heartlessness continues to split people apart and produce situations in which people who seem to love each other, turn on each other with hatred and blaming rage in fights that are not resolved because the depth, source and cause of these feelings is not known, found or expressed.

These are the kinds of fights where gapping often takes place and bodily harm is often done. People often lapse into this with the use of alcohol or drugs which block the ordinary controls on the subconscious, but it can be done by letting emotional movement take you to the place of finding this gap on your own.

If you find yourself fighting in these kinds of heartless ways,

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I recommend moving as much emotion as possible in any given instance without allowing yourself to move past anything you feel no matter how much pride and rage tell you not to let yourself express it. Rather than exercising control on the emotion you express, exercise as much control as possible on your drive to harm someone else.

Expressing your rage vocally as much as possible will lessen your desire to use the power of your body to make your point. It is the people who do not express their rage with a lot of sound who are most likely to hurt others, ["Hunde, die bellen, beissen nicht", "dogs that bark do not bite"] and they are the most imprisoned by Lucifer's light not letting them express. In short, these people are highly dangerous because they are very internalized and think they like it that way. These are the people who express little or no emotion until they go into blaming rage that can gap claiming whoever they blame pushed them there. If you find yourself expressing a lot of rage toward any of these people and moving toward the gap with them, you are likely to want to kill them if they gap on you. My suggestion is to move as much anger as possible whenever they trigger you, and not in their immediate presence.

If you try to move anger toward them before it becomes a rage that sweeps over you, you will contact your fear of them by experiencing how difficult and actually frightening , it is to move anger toward them. When this feeling of repression builds into the rage that bursts forth, of course it blames them, but they do not understand why and blame you with equal ferocity. These kinds of fights are almost impossible to resolve without Heart presence somehow being found, but it is a necessary part of your understanding of how to find Heart presence, to experience what happens in the gap here and how these fights are triggered. When you are n the grip of Lucifer's light , you, yourself must move to change it because you cannot do anything other than to move to change yourself.

My Light knows about this because of the fights I had with the Mother and how long I insisted it was the Mother who had to do all the changing before I finally realized there was something wrong, not with My Light, but with the ways in which My Light was not moving toward Her. When We had these fights, all of Our imprinting came into play, but We did not know what was happening to Us. One or the other of Us would do something that triggered imprinting in the other and We'd be off and running in fights that never seemed to end, only submerge as far as outward expression was concerned, and lie n wait for the next trigger.

While copying this on July 3, 2012, I - "by chance" - receive an image from one of my starchildren, Meshi

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

p.196

compared to the Mother, but underneath, it was as though I could feel that they were glad the Ronalokas were gone and that they hoped they were gone for good, never to trouble Us again.

Their relief seemed to be so immense, I even found Myself wondering if, in spite of never seeing them emerge spirits, the Angels had somehow been the mothers of these "things," and wanted their bodies discarded so that I would never find out. I disregarded this as a bizarre thought since I already had knowledge that the Ronalokas were the Will Polarity of these spirits. I did not like having these kinds of thoughts, but then, I did not like so much of what I was noticing that I had a feeling of not wanting to be conscious anymore, or at least not as conscious as I was.

I was suddenly and thoroughly angry at the Mother for not allowing Me to have the place I had wanted on Earth. I had envisioned Earth as being a place I could go when I wanted to slow down to the point of being unconscious or almost unconscious. When the Mother's terror of slowing down that much resisted Me on the way to Earth, only part of Me had been in the mood to play with Her here. The rest of Me, as I was finding now, had wanted to smack Her right then and there and force Her to get over Her fears of allowing Us to rest.

Now I had no place to go to escape Myself. In My rage, it seemed to Me the Mother did not want to allow Me to have what I needed, always seeing it as shorting (sic) Her needs. Selfish was the word I applied to it. She didn't want Me to go down into rest and She didn't want Me to go up into more activity. It was as though staying the same all of the time was the only thing that suited Her.

As I sought to make Myself comfortable, guilt was on Me, telling Me I was a very self-centered God who sought only to help Himself rather than helping those around Him.

I wanted to go inside Myself, as far inside Myself as I could get. I wanted to escape the outer turmoil all around Me and see if there was any peace and strength left to be found within Me, but I couldn't do it . I couldn't even move to go inside Myself. Guilt had taken its toll already and left Me wrestling between the needs of the outer and the needs of the inner.

Not only that, but the moment I looked within, I discovered the turmoil was within Me also. I really felt like I had no place to go then. I slumped in My throne and stared, as though looking out over Creation, but I was not really seeing anything. I sat as though I did not know if I was awake or dreaming. I was unable to relax and almost unable to move. I stared vacantly out over Creation

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while many things welled up inside of Me, things I thought I had gotten rid of when the Mother left Me. I was flooded with thoughts and feelings I did not want to have.

The sounds and movements I did allow Myself to make I disguised as annoyance over not being able to get comfortable, but I suppressed even these expressions as much as I could. Even this little amount of expression made Me feel paranoid that I was having the feelings that made Me express this discomfort because God's place was no longer My right place. And so there I sat squirming around uncomfortably on My throne, and yet, riveted to it as though I could not give My place up either.

Everything was so far away from the way I had envisioned it that I wondered again if I had been right to go ahead and manifest Creation. [July 31, 2012: I'm so grateful, that my personal manifestations, especially the model of "Succah in the Desert", did not deteriorate into something that would make me regret to have started them. Instead of being sad, that only a tiny part of my vision about "Peace through Desert Hosting Economy" has materialized, I now feel full-filled by the fact, that - except for small deviations like an orchard in the desert, where there should not have been planted anything - my manifestation is still following the laws which I set up 27 years ago!] I indulged Myself in another bout of blaming the Father of Manifestation and the Mother of Everything. It seemed so impossible to attain the balance I saw as necessary to sustain Creation that I wondered if I might not have liked it better if I had resisted the temptation to create. I wondered how much the Mother's and the Father of Manifestation's imbalances were going to cost Me in terms of lost manifesting power. Their power did not seem to be as great as Mine, and yet I kept blaming Them as though it was. I felt so angry at not having Creation the way I had envisioned it that I had a moment of wanting to destroy Them both for having caused it and of wanting to destroy Creation and start over again, if and when I ever felt like it. [The Hebrew Bible, too, reports "God's" severe regrets about having created [ Genesis 6:6] - see aspects of "God's" evolution in AU-schwitz-Birken-AU>The Rainbow between "God" and "Noah"]

I tried not to let any of the spirits know what I was feeling and thinking here, and as far as I could tell, they did not notice. How could I allow open expression to these thoughts and feelings in the presence of spirits who would feel their very lives being threatened by Me? Besides I had only to look in the faces of the spirits when I felt like destroying everything to feel that I could not really allow Myself to do it. I really believed it was more loving to work through these feelings internally than to express them openly toward loved ones who might be hurt by them.

I did My best to feel Myself here because I did not think it was wise to push these feelings away anymore either. I was already suspecting that the Mother was reflecting everything I didn't like about Myself, but I didn't know what would move these things in Her or in Me. All I knew was that She didn't like Me for along list of reasons, such a long list of reasons that I wasn't able to stay present for Her presentations of all the many reasons, and that no matter how much I tried to change, it didn't move Her. She seemed to have an unending supply of reasons, old and new, as to why

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The fight We are going to tell you about now was a fight not unlike many others We had, but it is karmically important because of the depths that were stirred. Everything We have told you about so far came into play in this fight and so tore Us apart that the Mother and I did not live together anymore and not long after, you were sent to live on Earth, torn apart yourselves like battered children from a terrible divorce.

THE FIGHT

Getting the Mother's attention was hard for Me. I always felt like I was in competition with everything else and the last One to get anything from Her. She, on the other hand, accused Me of the same thing. I told Her My Light was ready to receive Her anytime She came to Me, but She did not come. Instead, She would reverse this and say it was Me.

When She responded to Me in this way, I became infuriated everytime. How could She say She was ready to receive Me anytime I came to Her when She had yet to fully receive Me when I came to Her? I told Her as much and still She responded in the same way; it was I, not She, causing the problem.

This put Me out there even further. I thought She was playing games with Me, and My rage had many ideas of why She was doing this. Obviously She didn't care about Me or how I felt and was only interested in Herself and how good and right She always had to be. No matter what I told Her about Herself, She always told Me that I was doing the same thing. When I told Her maybe I was, She still would say She was not going to admit to doing any of the things I was accusing Her of doing unless I was ready to admit to all of the same things.

I thought this was preposterous! There was no way it was possible that I was the same as Her. I loved Her, yes, but this did not make Me the same as Her, and especially not in the places where I hated Her, such as times when She was moving toward Me like this. All I wanted to do was to shove Her back and shut Her up, but it did not seem possible since the more I tried to quiet Her down and move Her back from this area, the more intent She seemed to become upon advancing on Me with it.

No matter how kind and careful I was in My approach to Her, She was not receptive to Me. It did not matter if it was praise or criticism, She was suspicious of all of it. There was not a thing I could say but what She didn't think [sic] there was some hidden

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meaning about which I was not being direct, and all of My efforts to give Her the understandings She needed fell upon deaf ears as though She did not even hear them or notice I was trying to help Her. My Light was always suspect to Her as though I had ulterior motives for what I said and everything was interpreted by Her as a subtle message that I did not love Her and was trying to get rid of Her.

I could not understand how She could distort My love in these ways. After all, I, too, had dreams of a mate and in My dreams, My mate did not turn on Me and blame Me for Her problems. In My dreams, My mate did not stand apart and criticize Me. My mate loved Me unconditionally, and any problems We had, We solved together. How could the Mother accuse Me of sending subtle messsages of blame and criticism toward Her when She was not even subtle about the blame and criticism He was sending toward Me?

I was a long-suffering husband in My own eyes, wondering how I was going to get through a long life with a wife such as this, and maybe, I thought darkly to Myself, I won't be able to live such a long life the way She is wearing Me down.

It was true; most of the time I just wanted to get away from Her, but it was because She didn't receive Me and instead, acted like this.

The night of this particular fight, the Mother had been pressuring Me for a long time; relentlessly pressuring Me, in fact, with a persistence that was remarkable considering Her obviosly rampant fear of Me. Apparently it was much easier for Her to pressure Me about something other than Her own needs, until She realized how I viewed this. I cast a disapproving eye on Her in these areas because it seemed quite apparent to Me that Her crusades for the causes of others were really nothing more than crusades for Her own needs regarding these others.

When She started in on Me in these ways, I often felt like a man who cannot rest, eat or sleep because his wife cannot stop going on about the misfortunes of others until he donates the amount of money she has promised somebody he will give to the charity she has in mind for him, nevermind that he might have his own ideas about charity.

In this case, the Mother would not let Me rest, eat or sleep because of the "lost ones." If I rested, meditated or internalized at all, She would tell Me that I was not using My time in the right way, implying that I was both lazy and avoiding what She felt needed

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

p.198

what I did did not please Her. I had the feeling She had to give in now. I had done My best to please Her and if it wasn't good enough, She would have to bend or let go of Me so I could find another Will.

I was mad just to find Myself thinking about Her again, fuming mad, like She was some kind of demon I could not excorcise. I felt She had hurt Me enough, which was a big reason why I did not want to hurt others the way She had hurt Me. She hurt Me all the time by not receivng Me and giving Me the vote of confidence I needed to feel good about Myself. As I tried to make Myself look pleasant on the outside while allowing Myself to fume within, the Angels were still busying themselves around Me, as if to say everything was fine and they were just welcoming Me home as usual.

Everything was not fine. Lots of the Angels were missing. The others were acting like they weren't allowing themselves to notice it or even as though they liked it better because there was now more space for them to be near Me. Many of them were acting like My Light should rev up with them now and give the increase to them that would fill the space left by the others. I was not sure how I felt about it. I did not really miss the Angels who were gone, and I had not allowed Myself to notice what had happened to them yet. I didn't mention them and neither did the rest of the Angels. They were hovering around Me trying to please Me by anticipating My every need and trying to do whatever might make Me feel better.

Most of the Angels around Me were Mother contenders, and they were all trying to please Me by acting out the images of the Mother they had embraced as the ones they thought I loved most . I could see these images as their thought projections hovering around them. Whenever they did something that did not seem to please Me, I could see them adjusting their images and proceeding accordingly, as though the master plan for Mothering was being constantly evolved in this way.

It did not feel suffocating to be hovered over by these Angels and I must say that it did feel good to get so much attentin all at once, and positive attention that was not making an assault on My presence with its immediate needs. I began to come around. My turmoil had been soothed enough that I was able to focus on the Angels around Me and notice what they were doing. They were making Me feel good. I had not allowed Myself to feel good for such a long time, and no wonder. I had been feeling continually nagged by the guilt that I had a crisis in My Creation and that I had to move outwardly to help, instead of allowing Myself to sit, rest and be indulged.

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In spite of guilt's nagging, I could no longer move. I kept feeling like I should be doing something else, but I could not make Myself move to do it. I felt exhausted. Even so, I feared it was not right to sit with just a few of the spirits when so many needed Me. Then I would flip around like I was talking to Myself and say that I wasn't so sure the spirits needed Me at all, since all My attempts to help them had added up to nothing.

No matter how much I told this nagging to go away, and no matter how much I wanted to hold it responsible for My discomfort, I soon had to realize it was My Heart that would not stop bothering Me.

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME
THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST

Heart seemed desperate for help and lovemaking was not the solution He wanted to have. He said My Light was so seriously imbalanced He was having trouble holding Creation together.

I already knew what He was going to say next: "The Mother has to come back or the balance cannot be found."

I felt like I did not want to hear this from Heart. I was too exhausted, hurt and mad to want to have to think about the Mother anymore. I tried to put Heart off, like a man getting a massage and wanting to dispense with distractions as quickly as possible.

"Heart," I said, "once again I am going to tell You. The Mother left Me and there is nothing I can do to make Her come back."

Heart always met this with, "Go after Her," which I did not feel ready to do.

"How can I go after Her when I do not even know where She is?"

"Look around for Her," Heart said.

"I cannot send My Light out if It is not going to be received," I told Heart. "The Mother does not love Me anymore. She has Warriors who seek My destruction, I do not trust Her anymore. I cannot be a fool and go shining My way into Her camp when it looks like Her plans are to try to kill Me."

"She cannot kill You," Heart said.

"Oh yes She can," I reminded Heart. "Don't You remember how much Light I lost when She left before?"

"She didn't leave, YOu pushed Her out," Heart reminded Me.

"All the worse," I told Heart, "because it seems like She is

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to be done. She nagged Me constantly about taking in more children while at the same time complaining constantly about all the work She was always having to do because of the ones We already had. If I pointed this out to Her, it did not seem to matter in the slightest. She would only say that sometimes more children means less work, but if I told Her this, She would not agree with Me, but would maintain that there were too many children to take care of properly without help. If I got Her help, She did not like it because it wasn't the right help for some reason or another. Most of the time She acted like a pregnant woman who cannot stand the children she has already, but is excitedly awaiting the birth of the next one in the hopes that it will be better and she will love it more, and when this doesn't happen, there is no lesson learned, she just repeats the same pattern over again like she is either insane or looking for something she cannot find.

I felt there was no hope for Me with the Mother and I was internalizing more and more, sometimes going in deeply enough that it could be called sleep. Still the Mother found Me there and continued to disturb Me. She could never rest and yet She insisted on being near Me at these times as though it was Her self-appointed mission to make sure I was as disturbed as She was, and I rapidly was becoming disturbed, deeply disturbed.

Being so frequently pulled out of My internal focus as to feel I never really found it, because She wanted to say something to Me that just couldn't wait, but was usually a repeat of something She had already said to Me, was a maddening form of torture, but I was very controlled each time She interrupted Me, assuring Her that I understood Her point, but that I just could not pressure myself to do more than I was doing already, that I just could not put more food upon the table, as it were, and that I would get to this problem of Hers all in good time. Then I would pat Her kindly and ask Her to let Me get some rest.

This would usually work for varying lengths of time, but on this particular night, not for long. No sooner had I found some inner peace than I could feel Her intruding on it with agitated thrashing all around Me. I tried not to surface in response to this, but I could not help it. Pretty soon I found Myself asking Her again what the problem was and She told Me again that She could not rest because She kept hearing the high, thin little wailing voices of the "lost ones."

Before I knew it, the Mother had persuaded Me yet one more time to try to hear them, and so I sent My ear out as far as I could

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and once again did not hear anything other than what I felt sure I could safely dismiss as the winds of outer space. The Mother would not listen to Me about this and kept insisting that She was hearing the cries of the "lost ones". I did not care what She was hearing, I wanted My rest and told Her as much.

She accused Me of faulting Her because She could not rest while I was able to rest because I was cold and heartless toward their plight. She likened Me to the sort of fat and decadent ruler who stuffs himself and his children full of all the good things of life until they are so overstuffed they pass out into belching, farting unconsciousness while everyone else in the kingdom grovels hungrily in the streets hoping for the crumbs from their plates, while they lie, uncaring, in a sleep that is necessary to throw off the effects of their excesses.

I did not like Her picture and did not think it was justified. I thought She was overreacting and being way too dramatic, and besides, I didn't like Her dragging Our children into this, which at these times, She liked to represent as My children as though She could absent Herself from any of the problems She was so self-righteously describing here. I, apparently, was not supposed to live because She claimed there were others who were not living within the realms of My Light.

Then She accused Me of trying to imply She was crazy because I did not want to understand what She was talking about. This really did it!

"Why bother implying that YOu're crazy? I'll come right out and say it! You're crazy!" I stated with a carefully reasonable voice meant to intimidate Her.

In the growing state of agitation She was causing in Me, I had slipped past remembering how frightened of Me She was because She was not demonstrating it in the moment, but when I said this, She drew back in fear, extreme enough that She was fragmenting because of Her efforts to control it in My presence. It was as though she collapsed, and She began weeping and begging My forgiveness.

This did not sit well with Me either on this particular night. I was sick of these scenes that never went anyplace and repeated themselves sooner than I would have liked. If this sort of scene never repeated, it would be fine with Me, but the Mother's pestering, nagging pressure was getting worse, not better, and was precipitating scenes of this sort between Us more and more frequently.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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trying to get even with Me for that."

"She is not lost the way You think She is, " Heart told Me.

At this, I told Heart that if He was so concerned about the Mother and the balance She had to offer Us, maybe He should go and look for Her. And then I proceeded to remind HIm of all the times and ways I had tried to get balance with the Mother and failed. Heart grew more desperate.

"She doesn't want balance with Me anymore," I told Heart. "She is moving against Me, She opposes Me on almost every issue there is and You want Me to go and find Her, as though now is going to be any different than all the times in the past."

"It is different," Heart told Me, "I can hear Her crying."

"She's always crying over one thing or another," I told Heart,"What makes You think this time is any different?"

"It feels like She is grief stricken and desperate," Heart told Me.

"Good," I told Heart, "that is what She needs to feel. Maybe She will come around and find Me."

"She cannot move from where She is," Heart told Me.

"If She has lost the power to move, then She has lost the power to be with Me," I told Heart. "Her lack of movement is the very thing I can't stand!"

"It was Her movement that made You reject Her the first time." Heart said.

"That's what I mean," I told Heart. "She either moves too much or not enough when balance is what I need."

"Is balance just what pleases You?" Heart asked Me. "I'm not pleased with the balance You think You have found without the Mother.I'm having a hard time, being out here without the Mother."

I told Heart He was just being melodramatic here because the Manifested Spirits would not receive Him. I told Him He should just stay with Me and all would be well if He gave it more time.

Heart told Me He could not move either. He could not move toward the Mother because there was no openness to receive Him there and He could not move any closer to My Light because I was not taking Him in either.

I told Heart I would take Him in anytime He wanted Me to, but that I had thought He liked it better out in Manifestation than with My Light.

Heart told Me it was the Mother in Him I was not letting in.

I suggested to Heart that He ask the Father of Manifestation to go and look for the Mother if Heart felt it was so necessary to find Her, because She still had love for the Father of Manifestation. I told

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Heart I would take Him in anytime He wanted to let go of the Mother and let Her be free to decide whether She wanted to be with Us or not.

Heart did not like Me here but He said nothing. He felt like the child of a divorce who could come home to the Father only if He did not come in bringing His resemblance to the Mother along with Him.

"The Father of Manifestation does have desire to go and look for the Mother," Heart told Me, "but He also doesn't want to do anything more to widen the riff between the Two of You."

"What riff?" I said to Heart. "I never quarrel with Him when He is with Me, only when the Mother comes between Us. It appears the quarrel is with the Mother. Now that She is gone, there should be no quarrel between Us."

"That's what the Father of Manifestation fears," Heart said, that All of Us are against Her, and that anytime We take Her side, We cannot get near You because of the split between the Two of You. He wants to look for the Mother, but He doesn't want to lose His ability to be with You."
"He has already lost it in that He doesn't come to Me anymore. What difference is it going to make if He goes out a little farther than He already is?"

Heart did not answer Me here, other than to ask Me to let the Father of Manifestation know directly that I requested He look for the Mother.

"YOu have to let Him know," I told Heart. "You are the One with the big desire to find Her."

Heart was hurt by this, and He let Me know in no uncertain terms that His authority alone was not enough to make the Father of Manifestation go and look for the Mother. I allowed My Light to lift the Father of Manifestation up then, although I had some shame about letting Him notice everything that was going on between Myself and the Angels. I asked Him if He wanted to go and look for the Mother. Without speaking, He indicated to Me that He had mixed feelings. "It looks to Me like You are miserable without Her," I told Him.

The Father of Manifestation felt He could not be honest in the face of My Light no matter which way He went. He squirmed a little and then said, "Yes, but I was also miserable when I was with Her."

"Not all of the time," I reminded Him, as if I couldn't resist making a little jab. I was actually trying to take the opportunity to sound out the Father of Manifestation on His feelings toward the

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This the Mother blamed on Me also, and so I thought it was useless to go through the motions of explaining to Her one more time that I could not move toward solving these problems of Hers without rest, insight, understanding, experience and the development of methodology and orderly procedure, not to mention that this claim She was making about "lost ones" seemed particularly impossible for Me to solve since I had not even been able to contact the problem no matter how carefully I listened.

I might as well have gone ahead and said it, because I was somewhat startled to hear Her blurt out from the midst of Her tears, which I suspected She had turned on in an effort to gain sympathy for Her cause, that I was not really interested in finding the "lost ones". This hearless portrait She kept insisting on painting of Me was not at all to My liking, and I told Her that She had better have some respect, and remember who she was talking to when she made such accusations.

From this the Mother withdrew even more and I thought it was over for the night and that I could finally settle down and get some rest, but it was not to be. I no sooner reached a near reveric state than the Mother intruded on it again.

The time I had to experience Her agitated breathing and snorting all around Me in a way that I knew had to be rage, but when I surfaced to ask Her, She denied it, and instead looked at Me like I was some sort of monster who would not listen to the plight of the "lost ones" because it disturbed My sleep. She was very clanked up into self-righteousness and I could see that She was ready to nail Me for everything I had ever done that was not to Her liking. I was not in the mood for it, to say the least.

"I'm not in the mood for this," I mumbled in a pretense of sounding more asleep than I really was, hoping She would leave Me alone. But it was not to be.

The Mother was on Me like She knew exactly what I was doing, accusing Me of avoiding and of being lazy.

"So what else is new?" I thought to Myself.

I tried to sink back inside Myself because I did not want to listen to the list I knew was going to accompany these accusations. I began listing off the things I was sure She was going to say, and without noticing whether She was actually saying them or not, I slipped into My own version of what was happening there.

I was lazy, I should do more, not for My own children, I should do less for them and do more for other children that I didn't have or don't have yet, I should not internalize at night, I should be there

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for the Mother because She is stuck at home all day taking care of children while I'm out having fun without Her, I should have more compassion, I should be more caring, more loving, more considerate, more understanding, I should have more depth, more openness, more receptivity, I should do more for others and on and on. By now it was a litany I was sure I could repeat word for word, I had heard it so many times. Nevermind that if the Mother was a living example of her plans for Me that I would never be able to rest, relax or do any of the things I wanted to do, but instead, could be as unhappy as She, slavishly living My life in the service of others.

Who was She to be telling Me how I should live My life? Was I telling Her how She should live Hers? Obviously not or She wouldn't be acting like this, or looking like this for that matter.

At this point, I split off from Her and went into My dreams where I had another mate who was alluringly beautiful to behold and intoxicatingly pleasant to feel. This mate always agreed with Me. This mate adored My every move, complimented and praised Me, encouraged, admired and worshipped Me. This mate waited on Me hand and foot and made love to Me in the most exquisite ways. I was fond of this mate and let Her be at My side most of the time. I did not want to wake up from this dream in which My mate was so perfectly attuned to My every need. But it was not to be.

Sudeenly I became aware of some insistent pounding that I now realized had been going on for quite some time. As soon as I noticed this, the Mother must have realized it, because She grabbed Me as if to drag Me from My reverie. This startled Me, and when I looked upon Her, She looked to Me like a "monster in the deep" who wanted to drag Me in there with Her and maul Me out of existence.

She was screaming at Me that I had not heard a word She said and that I didn't care about anything but my own existence, that I was selfish, spoiled, indolent, decadent and disgusting and that she was not going to tolerate it anymore.

"Oh really? Are You going to leave Me for someone else You like better," I asked Her?

This brought Her pitch to hysteria and I was almost laughing at Her, except that she had the most enraged look on Her face that I had ever seen. It made Her most astonishingly ugly, not to mention irrational.

"Oooh, I'd better not mess with You," I said, feigning fear of Her.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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Mother, but He was feeling much too cautious for Me to find out much, and so I let HIm go with nothing much changed between Us.

"If You are miserable without Her and miserable with Her, it makes no difference to Me if You find Her or not, but Heart wants You to."

The Father of Manifestation did not know whether to take this as any sort of declaration of love for the Mother on My part or not, but He did allow Himself to notice that My Light looked better to Him at the thought of finding the Mother than it had looked to Him for a long time. This caused Him to decide that when He felt He had the opportunity, He would go in search of the Mother. None of Us knew then what a long time it would be before He found Her.

Heart, meanwhile, tried to let Me know more about the problems He was having holding Creation together, and I had to take Him seriously here, but I also had to let Him know that there was nothing I really felt I could do. I realized then that I had not allowed Myself to give My rage to the Father of Manifestation for having manifested the Creation all wrong. I seemed to feel like giving hIm these things when He was not around and then find that I had gone blank in those areas when He was around. Heart did not like the blankness He was getting from Me either, but with all the held emotion, I could do no better.

"Oh, Well," I told Myself, "I don't know what good it would do to give Him My rage anyway. What's been done is done. What really needs to happen now is for Him to fix it. It can't possibly do any good to rage at Him" I told Myself, "If we have a fight, it will really frighten everyone around Us."

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART

I allowed myself to notice then that Heart was having real trouble. I felt like I was having a Heart attack. I was twisting and turning in My chair as though I were going crazy inside, but I was making very little outward sound except for a little gagging and coughing and some struggling to speak sounds. I was consumed by My inner feelings and felt I had to get in there immediately in order to save My own life.

I felt immediate distrust, as though the Mother had found some new way to attack Me, especially, when I looked out and saw Her Warriors repeating the motions over and over of stabbing Me in the Heart. They were angry, and it looked like they had My death

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in mind. I had the sensation of so many snakes striking Me in the Heart now that I didn't think I had any chance to make it unless I managed to get them off of Me and put them as far from Me as I could.

I was struggling, not unlike the Ronalokas, only I didn't know it. I must have looked like a madman, trying to throw snakes off of Me that no one else could see. They certainly weren't present with Me there in the Godhead, but within Me, it was as real as if they were. I viewed it as a battle I must win and I struggled with all My might. I lost my ability to feel Heart, the presence of venom was so great. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of having been poisoned all over Me, and I gagged and choked on the strangling feelings of having snakes gripping Me and striking Me all over with the feeling of hatred that wanted Me to die.

I did not get the message that all they wanted was for My Light to open and receive them, and they did not give it. It was as though They expected Me to get the message from the way they were behaving, but I did not, I did not like it that they had the feeling of hatred that wanted Me dead. I knew I could not allow Myself to be killeld, no matter what I might think of Myself at times.

I kicked and fought and thrust until all of the Mother Warriors were falling toward the Earth and there was not one left that I could find anywhere near My Light. They were all falling to Earth with the judgment against themselves that expressing their rage does no good and that I will not allow Myself to receive this approach. Meanwhile, this had been an unpremeditated attack that had come as reaction to My denial of the Mother through Heart, and so they also received judgment in the form of imprint that they could not allow themselves to trust their real feelings because their response was judged to be unacceptable and only caused them more trouble.

An understanding that is needed here is that true response has to be given in all situations in order to avoid guilt, but once guilt has a grip on you, you must learn to be true to yourself first and not move outwardly until you have as much alignment within as possible. When you do move outwardly, you must give your true response as much as possible because anyting else deprives the Will of the feedback necessary to move properly and also deprives Spirit of the ability to guide properly. If feelings come up later, after the outward event has already gone past you, allow them to move then, and gain understanding as to why they have become that gapped from your spontaneity.

You also ne need to know that even though I mentioned turning the tables around as a way to see understandings, there are also

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My Light knew this was not the right thing to say to Her, but I had no intention of going into this with Her instead of getting the rest I needed, especially when I knew the outcome would be the same as every other time She had tried to get Me to listen to the "lost ones."

I could not understand how She could have such a feeling it was impossible for Her to live unless She could make Me go "out there" after something that, it seemed to Me, quite possibly didn't even exist.

This time I took the patronizing approach and tried to soothe Her into letting Me get some rest. I promised Her I would go inside Myself and look around and see what I could find out that way. I assured Her I had not meant it when I said She was crazy, that I had heard what She said and that I was taking Her problem into serious consideration as to what could be done about it. I patted Her reassuringly, sure that this was going to work and prepared to settle down, finally, for some much needed rest.

I wanted to dive into Myself as deeply as I could, not only to get away from Her and these wild stories of things, She claimed to hear in the silence of the night, but also because I could already perceive spirits stirring like they were going to want to come to Me soon, and I was desperate for some rest.

"Just once I would like to enjoy the silence of the night," I muttered to Myself without realizing the Mother would hear it, and I rolled over in preparation to escape inside Myself as fast as possible, but before I could escape, the Mother lit [hit?] into Me with a fury I did not think She dared assault Me with, and began screaming even more things that She had apparently been storing up against Me for a long time. I was now emerging as the arch villain of Creation according to Her; a villain, no less, who left no room to be any worse.

"I can be a lot worse," I told Her. "You don't know how good You have it! If You knew what I have to hold back to make Your life as pleasant as it is, You would have a lot more appreciation. I do not sit around doing nothing nearly as much as You seem to think, and if I do have some fun, what is wrong with that? If you want to apply Your list of complaints to somebody, take inventory with Yourself."

I was sure this would finish Her for a while because it had always worked in the past.

It did not work. Obviously there was something more wrong here than I had wanted to notice. What was it going to take to shut

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Her up this time? I felt like My mistress was waiting inside of Me and "monster from the deep" here (sic) was determined not to let Me go to Her. I felt frantic to get away from Her, but it didn't seem possible. I was angry now and I let Her know it by giving Her a push away from Me. She began to cry inordinately at this.

"It was only a little push," I told Her, trying to quiet Her down before She woke up the children

"You're more concerned about them than You are about Me," She said, as though She knew exactly what I was doing.

This annoyed Me because I knew I couldn't answer that it was more out of concern for Me than them without getting a repeat of Her previous onslaught against Me.

"I'm tired,' was all I said.

"You're tired," She repeated after Me, "What about Me? How tired do You think I am?" Then she went into Her familiar speech about how She never has any help while I have more help than I need and how She never gets any love or even attention, let alone rest.

At the end of this speech She said, "Do You know what You expect Me to hold while still doing everything You want Me to do?"

"No, I don't know what I expect You to hold while still doing everything I expect You to do," I repeated, mimicking Her.

This was too much for Her. "I can't stand You!" She said. "In fact, I hate You!" and She began screaming over and over, louder and louder, "I hate You! I hate You! I hate You!"

This was too much for Me and I smacked Her. I knocked Her some distance from me and She came screaming back on Me like She intended to attack. I smacked Her again. This time She rolled away from Me into an area I could best liken to the bedroom floor, and there She lay, screaming at Me and would not shut up. While I was marveling at the amount of control I had managed to exercise, since I had wanted to knock Her out of Creation, She was screaming at Me like I had just done the worst thing ever done.

Now My Light knew this was not going to go past the spirits whether they pretended to be asleep or not, and sure enough, some of them were coming toward Us already, while I could see others who appeared to be too frightened to move.

I hated the Mother here. My idea of parenting certainly didn't include this. I wanted to minimize this episode because, to Me, it was minimal compared to what I had wanted to do and the pressure I was under, but the Mother was intent upon maximizing

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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situations where this will not work. For example, you have always thought that because it feels so bad to be hated, allowing yourselves to hate was not loving, but it is not wrong to hate that which hates you. True response is you cannot love that which hates you. For example, some spirits may express hatred for Me and I may feel like old charge is moving and coming to a loving place. Other spirits may express hatred toward Me and I may feel like it is not going anyplace. I may want to move them back and let them live out their hatred for Me where it is not going to affect Me. It does not always work to say that because I allowed some to move their hatred for Me near Me, it's only fair to allow others to do it. What may bring understanding in some situation may be only guilt in others.

No question about it, this is very tricky ground to try to walk on. No matter how I word it, it is possible to corrupt it into denial and guilt. This is why you must not make a rule of anything, but instead allow your true feelings. If you are too guilty to allow your true feelings, you must not judge the guilt to be wrong. You must allow the guilt to hold you back until you have worked with your own vibration enough to alter the reflection you would otherwise receive.

I am able to allow the Mother Warriors to come near Me now and give the reflection they have needed to give. I have been able to do this without feeling like I had to fight off the attack of overwhelming numbers of venomous serpents, and I have learned that the Mother Warriors are the Kundalini by which Will returns to Spirit. Without them, I cannot get the full circle of Light with the Will that I need. I can allow the Kundalini up now because I am not denying the Will the way I was in the past, but if Spirit has an attitude of Will denial while saying It does not, and allows the Kundalini up toward the Heart in those circumstances, it can be very dangerous and even killing.

The Mother Warriors do not like to let anything go past them that contains denial, be it ever so subtle a form of denial, but guilt has held them back and down, even causing them to accept the belief that the Kundalini must be carefully controlled and disciplined because of the potentially killing energy it has.

The Mother Warriors arrived on Earth after having the Golden Red Light of the Kundalini squashed and compressed by the denials placed against it. The form they had when they reached Earth was that of the physical form snakes now have on Earth, only many of them were much larger in the Land of Pan and able to communicate with the rest of the spirits more easily because there was less fragmentation than there is now.

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The Mother Warriors were less ready to accept themselves as part of My Light then than they are now so [sic] none of them then had the human forms that many of them have now. Even so, there is still so much Will denial that much of the Mother Warrior essence is still left trapped in the forms of snakes on Earth. The more snakes have been hated, hunted and killed on Earth, the more this essence has had to find other forms to inhabit, but this does not mean that snakes are to become protected now or venerated any more than they already have been by those who have recognized the Kundalini energy in them. It means that Will denial must be healed so that the Kundalini energy can take its right place. The Kundalini energy is meant to have the fiery golden glow of passion shimmering in all the colors of the Rainbow as it passes up through the chakras, ignited by a halo of White Light as it contacts My light at the top.

I had a struggle that cost Me Light as well as Will energy here. I had to go inside and meet Heart there, but I was unable to meet Heart all the way with My consciousness because of His great pain. I had a feeling Heart was losing His ability to remain manifest in Creation and I needed to look out and see what was happening there.

I had gotten a grip on Myself, but no calm yet. The Angels were hovering over Me like mothers tending the sick. There was no mention of the possibility I might cease to exist as God, and yet, everyone was gathered around Me like family at the bed of a dying man. It was being said that it was impossible I might cease to exist as God. It was being said that I still had plenty of strength left in My Light. Everything positive that could be said was being said, but there was another feeling present that I denied in My struggle to make it through what My Heart was experiencing. I felt there were still spirits near Me who would have liked to see Me go, and they seemed all too ready to take My place.

Although I did not notice their reflection at the time, I had another attack of feeling I hadn't been right to proclaim Myself God. At least, I was not the God I had envisioned Myself to be as it looked now. I felt overwhelmed and did not even want to allow others to know it, for fear it meant, all the more, that I was not adequate to be God. I did not like allowing My insecurities to be seen. I denied them heavily all along, which meant that the Mother got these feelings and reflected them constantly while I denied them by saying they were Her feelings and not Mine.

"She lacked confidence in Me, She was afraid of Our power, She felt wrong to claim Her mate was God and so forth."

I almost never allowed the Mother to reflect to Me in ways that

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it in the eyes of the spirits. I thought they already knew what had happened, but I was wrong. When the Mother said I had smacked Her so hard I had sent Her flying across the room, I expected them to recognize Her immediately as a liar, and when I said that the Mother had leaped on Me and startled Me in My sleep and that when I pushed Her off She had fallen down, I expected them to see the truth in this and go back to bed.

Instead, they began to carry on themselves as though this was the most terrible thing they had ever witnessed, and I began to feel like the Mother had already primed them against Me when I wasn't around. Why else would they act like this? I even suspected that She had staged the whole thing as some sort of a power play to get the spirits to align more with Mer.

"What a cheap shot," I thought. "I'm not sure I want Her around anymore."

Instead of rest, I had pandemonium now and I was not at all pleased with the Mother for creating this. I ordered all of the spirits out of the room, at which point the Mother ran to them, screaming that I was heartless.

"Who's heartless?" I thought to Myself, noticing how easily She could run when She wanted to, considering the serious injury She claimed to have suffered at My hands.

"Why do You want the children in here to listen to Us fight?" I screamed in order to lift My voice above the turbulence.

I had regained reason now and was sure this could not possibly be good for them. Had She no balance? Why had She overprotected them and then exposed them to a doxe of Parental discord n their lives? And why was She blaming it on Me as though it was convenient now to say it was I who was overprotective?

I was disgusted with all of them now and would have walked out on them, but I had no place to go to get away except inside of Myself, which is where I went, leaving the Mother to hold the spirits in Her arms and comfort them as She always insisted on doing whenever they had any unhappiness. Obviously, She loved these spirits, or so She claimed, but I thought She did not have the slightest idea how to raise them, and would not listen to Me about what it was going to take.I wasn't about to help Her perpetuate a situation that was off base as far as I was concerned, and that was already imprisoning Her and creating the cause of Her constant complaints. She was not allowing these spirits to be independent and She wasn't encouraging them to be able to handle things on

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their own. Oh, no, that was heartless!

As the Mother began moving around to the frightened ones who had not come to Us, I was gone and did not wake up until the Mother returned to Me somewhere near what I will liken to dawn. I stirred in response to this, thinking to make a brief apology and go back to sleep, but this seemed to be the Mother's cue to point out that I had had a rest which She had not been able to have and that She wanted Me to take over Her morning with the children so that She could try to rest now.

I might have been able to consider this had it not been for the blame in Her tone. I could not stand it to the point where I chose not to even address it. Instead, I said, "Let them get themselves going this morning, I've had very little rest."

"No, I cannot stand to let them rise to an empty house,' She told Me, "and I've had no rest."

"I wish there was someone else who could take over at times like these", I said, "I need to lie around too!" I had sex in mind. I touched Her and She threw My hand off.

"Lie around?" the Mother said, "You need to lie around?"

"Yes," I said, suddenly pissed off and turned off, "lie around!"

I should have known this would set the Mother in motion again, but I didn't. I was too busy blaming Her to notice My own role.

"I cannt stand Your lack of movement," the Mother told Me.

I hated Her for this. Instead of a loving wife, I had some kind of a dragon slave driver who could never be satisfield, "until She drives You to Your grave,' I heard an eerie echo say within Me. I did not want to look at Her now. My mistress was waiting within to embrace Me if She wasn't willing to, but something told Me this was immature, so I looked at the Mother to see if She really had anythiing important to tell Me or not, but there was nothing there, just as I thought.

She waited until I was almost asleep again to ask Me if I was going to get up with the children and let Her rest or not? I mumbled a repeat of My earlier statement, to which She replied it was not possible to give them the run of the house without an adult present and that She resented My lack of interest in parenting.

"If anything happens to them, it will immediately be My fault," She told Me on the breath of heavy exhalations that were designed to make Her point, "so I might as well get up and take care of them."

Oh, how I hated Her tone of blame and martyrdom! I put My hand on Her to try to stop Her so I could talk some sense into Her

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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could let Me know these were My feelings She had to reflect. If you are not ready to see your own reflection in the Will, you are not ready to understand Me as God or even yourselves yet.

I hesitate to mention it, but lost Will has a lot to move around the issue of who is God, because everyone has images, even if the images insist I do not exist. For lost Will, I have not existed for so long now that it is impossible not to go through these places on the way to finding the Light they need.

My fears were so great this time that I thought My extreme discomfort meant that what I had thought was My right place was not My right place, so much so that I actually fell from My place to the space just down in front of it and writhed and twisted for a while there before regaining enough consciousness to return to My place.

Given the situation, this was a very dangerous thing to have happen, but as it turned out, none of the spirits gathered around made a move to take My place. I saw it as fear of what the others might do if they did. They had no plan for such a situation because none of them had admitted to anyone else that they had taking My place in mind, but many plans have been made since then.

I made better contact with Heart when I regained a little more of My consciousness. He had come home alright, but He looked almost totally torn apart and severely weakened. Heart was in such bad shape that I had to take strong and immediate action. As I saw it then, I had to rejuvenate Heart as fast as I could and help Him recover.

It did not enter My mind that it would be helpful to Heart to run around looking for His lost pieces. I did not see this as a way to help Him recover, and as it turned out, it would not have been at the time. I felt I did not have time to look for Them anyway; I had my hands full already. Heart had fragmented severely, and the farther from Him His fragments fell, the less like Him They looked. We were a long time in recognizing Them as a result.

I knew this about Heart's fragments because I looked out at Manifestation to see what Heart had experienced. I was shocked. Manifestation looked like a mess. It looked like chaos similar to the War in the Heavens, only this time, it was more like a bomb had gone off than that there had been a battle. There were spirits of every kind falling in pieces toward Earth. It seemed like Earth had become a dark hole in space sucking up everything that wasn't able to hold on to My Light. I had the terrible feeling it was not right, and that there was nothing I could do about it.

I was so shocked by what I saw that I shut down to it. I let go

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of all My feelings because I could not stand to hold on to them. I cut Myself off from all feelings of desire, or even thought, that Manifestation might make it. I turned toward the idea that all I had left was what was there in the Heavens with Me and that I was lucky to have that.

I had Heart within Me, desperate for help, and I was there with almost no feelings at all about what was happening. I just concentrated on pouring Light into Heart , as though both of Our lives depended on it. I was not aware of allowing My Light to have any thoughts, but I was aware of being surrounded by White Light Spirits trying to help Me like a staff in a hospital emergency room. I was doing a cardiac revival and they were assisting Me.

"It's alright," they kept telling Me over and over. "Heart ist going to be alright. What's happening had to happen because all the warning signs were ignored. It's not Heart's fault. He tried everything He could and He could not get through to the Manifested Spirits. You tried everything You could. We all tried everything We could. Nothing more could have been done. Everything that could have been done was done. The Mother did not provide the balance necessary. The Father of Manifestation did not help Heart when He asked Him to help get the Mother more aligned with Us. Heart could not get the Manifested Spirits to receive Us. The Father of Manifestation could not get the Manifested Spirits to receive Us. The Manifested Spirits had to move back. They were too clumped up. They never expanded and accepted moving out into manifestation. They never relaxed and accepted what was happening as what was meant to happen. They needed more space. They had to give Us more space. They had to move back because Our Light was too much for them. It's their own resistance to what had to happen that has caused all this pain and confusion. They had to go because they follow the Mother. It will all calm down soon."

I did not allow Myself to notice how I was feeling; I just made these spirits move back and give Me some peace and quiet in which to work on Heart. When I look back on it now, I see that all they were saying was designed to make a focus on the positive view of Us immediately and not leave space for the expression of any other feelings about what was happening. Now I would simply yell "Shut up," and allow Myself to move rage and terror. Then, I simply moved them back and went on with My desperate attempt to revive Heart.

It did seem right that the Will had to move back and give Us space to expand. It did seem right that the Rainbow Spirits needed to move out into space and fill in between My Light and the Will,

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about letting them grow up a little and take care of themselves so their Parents could have some rest when They needed it, but She didn't hear a word I was going to say, because She started reacting to Me as though I had hit Her.

I really couldn't understand the Mother's emotions most of the time because they seemed so out of whack with reality. What was I going to do with Her now, throw up My hands in dismay and beg Her for forgiveness? I was closer to asking Her to find someplace else to live, but I tried, once more, to be the loving God I was supposed to be, and asked Her to tell Me, once more, what was wrong.

You would have thought I had done something else wrong the way She looked at Me as though I was a completely insensitive beast because I did not already know what was wrong. "Still the 'lost ones?" I ventured meekly. Apparently this was not even worth an answer as far as She was concerned because She looked at Me like it was impossible for Me to know what was wrong with Her.

"You're not being fair" I told Her.

"I'm not being fair?" She screeched.

"Are You hard of hearing?" I said, but the Mother did not respond because She was already going on about how many times She had gotten up in the night, how many times She had gotten up in the morning and so on as if She was reading from a score card or could remember everything I had ever said or done that was not right according to Her. I thought My lack of response to this would end it sooner than if I responded, so I kept quiet and pretended to be lisening attentively. The Mother was not fooled, apparently, because this seemed to fuel Her even more and She launched into things I didn't like mentioned where the children could possibly hear it.

"You have Me taking care of these brats all the time, without help, indulging them in everything Your Light has to bestow, and You don't even seem to notice how they abuse, waste and squander most of it! It's like throwing what You give them into a sewer because they don't hold onto it. They don't value it because Daddy's always going to give them more! I can't stand it! You give them everything and they always want more. It's all just something to throw around until they're done with it, and then kick it aside for the next new thing. They don't even take time to understand what's involved in creating these things, and they certainly don't appreciate what they're being given! They take it all for

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granted and I can't stand any more of it!" She told Me.

I had a feeling there was more involved than what She had said so far because this was a more powerful statement than She had ever made before about this problem. My Light knew She had said this same thing many times before, but not abruptly straightforward like this, and now I was beginning to feel blamed because I was remembering all the times She had complained about all the spirits taking after Me more than Her, and now it looked like She felt the reason the spirits couldn't hold onto anything, value anything or feel what was involved in creating it was because they weren't enough like Her. I did not like the blame I felt the Mother was handing Me here, and could not help but let My mind slip into all of the reasons why I did not like the way She was either.

I had a pretty good list of reasons going, all around the theme of the Mother being too much the opposite of My position for Me to feel good about the way she was, when the Mother startled Me by screaming at Me that I wasn't listening to Her again.

"I can always tell when You wander off, even if you're looking right at Me," She shrieked.

"Please lower Your Voice [sic] ," I said. This sent the Mother into a frenzy of screaming in which the real issues began pouring forth.

"I don't like it that these children have everything and the 'lost ones' have nothing! I hate all of their clamor and noise, it's as though they want to keep Me from being able to listen to the pleas of the 'lost ones'. I hate their fighting and bickering, It's all power struggles and undercurrent jealousies! I find their competitions disgusting! As much as I love them, I hate them! As much as I want to protect them, I want to kill them! I feel like they have somehow done this to Me so that they can behave in the ways that make Me want to kill them, but love won't let Me! It's a cruel trap and I want out!"

This caused Me to comment that She had many openings to go and She never left. I hated Her in this moment. I would have loved to see Her go, and I almost pushed Her again because She turned on Me when I made this comment and began screaming right in My face.

"You don't want to address the issues here, You just want to get rid of Me so You can go on in Your avoidance; Your lazy, stupid, insensitive, decadent, disgusting and hateful avoidance!"

There was a rumbling roar accompanying this that was most disconcerting. Then She went into a frenzy of repetitiously screaming "I hate You," until just when I thought I couldn't stand to hear

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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but I did not like the manner in which it was happening. All the way along, it seemed like the resistance to the expansion of My Light and to the unfolding of My plan was immense. I had such great rage at being pressured that I did not notice how I was also afraid of letting My Light expand so far and so fast.

All I could see was that I did not like anything the Mother did. She either gave Me too little space and did not move back when I wanted Her to, or She gave Me too much space and moved back all at once. I was so furious over this I shut down to it. I could not stand feeling so impotent, as though the Mother was getting some kind of perverse joy out of making Me a failure by making it look like I was alternately too much or not enough, but never right.

[3/12/00] I was either overbearing or inadequate. I was either overpowering or not powerful enough. I was either too much, at which point She told Me I was making a big deal out of Myself, or I wasn't enough, at which point She told Me I wasn't good enough for the job. I never had the Mother's love, acceptance and approval for what I was, and now Heart had become another victim of lack of Mother love. She had accused Him of having all the same flaws I had. No wonder He felt attacked! It wasn't possible to live with a Mother like that. With all of Her emotional turmoil stabbing at Him like that, trying to get at Me, it's a wonder He lasted as long as He did!

As much as the Angels were reflecting the positive pep talk I was actually giving Myself, I also had another dialogue going on that was blaming the Mother and the Father of Manifestation for the troubles Heart and I were having now. It went like this:

"If only the Mother hadn't led Me into Manifestation so quickly. If only She could be less impulsive and more reasonable. Then She could have listened to Our plan and We would have been able to do it right. Then She would not have had all of these reasons to fear and neither would I. She fears because She doesn't understand, and yet, She won't let Me explain anything to Her. I have been as patient as I can be, but this is just too much. this is really all Her fault, even Her enticement of the Father of Manifestation. He never acts like His gonads control Him in My presence. It's the Mother who is always calling HIm forth sexually. All We need to do is get rid of Her and We'll have the peace and quiet We need to fix this mess. I can't let Her tear My Heart apart, tear My Creation apart, tear the Manifested Spirits apart, maim, dismember and maybe even kill as wanton acts of revenge against My Light without doing anything to Her. I hate Her for what She has done to Me and to My Creation. To Hell with Her! If She suffers there forever, it will be too short a

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time for Me!"

Then I started in on the Father of Manifestation, and although My denouncement of Him was shorter, it was not lacking to intensity.

"He's My man unless there's a woman around; then He can't be trusted at all. Where is He now? Probably chasing after the Mother because He was 'told to' rather than being able to see that the need for Him is here and now. He's no brother to Me. He has running away with the Mother in mind and that's all He's about. He's making Me look like a fool who cannot keep His Creation together when He is the One who has really made it impossible for Me here. Let Him go to Earth and see how He likes it there. I'm not going to let Him have the Mother and line up against Me with Her. I don't want Him near Me anymore! Let Him be cursed and let Him live out His sins as a mortal among mortals."

This blaming of others went on for a long time. Giving My rage expression like that gave Me the drive I needed to be able to go on without having to feel the paralyzing feelings of being overwhelmed and powerless to do anything about it. Even when this shifted to feeling I had only Myself to blame because I had not moved to change My life in any way that could have averted this disaster, I still viewed it in terms of having to overcome what had happened to Me because of the Mother. I was sure Manifestation would not have been the problem it was if the Mother had not always been stirring up the emotions She was. She should have given the positive side more opportunity to influence Her.

I had feelings now that Freewill was not right. Perhaps it should not have been granted in advance of the experience necessary to understand it. I certainly had become less and less of a God the more I had believed it was not right to allow Myself to exert My power over others and had allowed them to do as they wished. In all My visions, I never thought the spirits would choose to use Freewill to override themselves. It certainly seemed that allowing everyone to do as they wished was making the alignment I saw as necessary, impossible.

I wanted to allow the feelings, but they were not supposed to be the feelings I was having. I was caught in the trap of feeling that I could not allow My true feelings because My true feelings were not loving, but I said it was the Mother who was not loving.

As a result, there was nothing I could do except project Myself as being loving by allowing only what I had defined as "loving" to express. In order to do this in the face of what was happening now, I had to rationalize everything to preserve my own self image,

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it one more time, She broke down into wracking sobs and went on to tell Me that She could not believe I could sit there so coldly, and that She didn't know what She could possibly do to get a response out of Me. I couldn't help but think that She must be staging this whole thing to try to get Me to do what She wanted Me to do regarding the "lost ones."

"What do You expect Me to do?" I asked. The Mother screamed through clenched teeth then as though She were having some sort of fit. I waited it out.

"I don't like Your tone of voice," She finally said.

"What do You mean You don't like My tone?" I replied. "Who set You up as God around here?"

"Nevermind,' the Mother said, and She began to back away from Me like I had just turned into something evil. I had just about had it with Her. She did not impress Me with this little display and I found it to be such a far cry from the lovemaking I had had in mind that I could not even stand to think about the comparison with what I would have liked to be doing with My time.

I had thoughts of leaving Her when I heard Her say that I made Her feel like a mother forced to give up some of her children because the father refuses to provide for them all. That did it! I turned on Her this time and accused Her, in a voice that was louder than I had planned to use, of having another lover that She preferred, "out there" in the darkness, who was obviously the father of these "so-called" children who would not even make themselves known to Me, and that She had better go "out there" and ask him why he didn't provide for these children instead of trying to bring them into My Light and pressure me to provide for them.

This incensed the Mother and She began vehemently denying that She had any other lovers. I listened like I was already the victor of this argument while She told Me there were no other lovers except the Father of Manifestation and how She couldn't divest Herself of Him, but He wasn't the Father of these children anyway.

I listened, but I did not buy it any more than I ever had. There was something the Mother was hiding from Me. I had a feeling there were other presences She had involvement with that She was not letting Me know about. The more I accused Her of this, the more She denied it. The more She insisted there was nothing going on that She wasn't letting Me know about, the more Her denials convinced Me I was right.

This infuriated Her even more and She told Me She wished

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there was something She could do to convince Me that My love was more important to Her than anything else. I told Her that if She really loved Me, She would leave Me alone. I remember Her asking Me what I said as though She were feeling terrified disbelief, and I repeated it. "Leave Me, Leave Me alone."

And She did. She left Me so completely alone that We didn't live together anymore, and I thought She had done this in a rage that wanted to make Me miss Her and have to beg Her to come back. Well, I wasn't going to do it. I also had a feeling She had gone to another lover and might not be missing Me, or learning to appreciate Me as quickly, or as much, as I had hoped She would.

Now this is what My Light knew, because I had gapped and did not know it. When the Mother backed away from Me as though I were turning into something evil, Lucifer was taking over My presence and I did not know it. As soon as the Mother started triggering My imprints, even though I thought I was holding Myself present, I was already backing away from Her in a way that was uncontrollable, as though My reflexes had been conditioned by the shocks I had received in My original experience with Her. I did not even hear much of what She was saying to Me because I was detaching as much as possible from the reality I feared was about to happen.

This fight was very hard to understand from the outside and very confusing for the spirits who witnessed it to interpret, because it appeared that My Light barely moved at all, and yet, the Mother was gone. How could I have loved Her and gotten rid of Her over an issue such as this? this intensified the spirits' own imprinting about having to please Me, or they, too, would be gone.

I did not have a clue as to why everyone was acting so weird toward Me. I had already been puzzled for a long time that the spirits acted so frightened and intimidated by Me when I was trying so hard not to frighten or intimidate them. Love was what I was about and I did not like the reflection that I was not regarded as a loving God. I much preferred the spirits who regarded Me in this way to the others because I did not like the reflection they had to offer.

I had a million ways to avoid looking at the reflection of My own gap, but I also could not help missing it. I could not stay present when the Will tried to show Me My gap, because I literally wasn't there. If I was there, there was no gap to show Me. Consequently, what happened in the gap was almost impossible for Me to experience, comprehend, or even believe in, since there was no

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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which I had confused with My own existence.

I felt I could not live through what was coming out into the open here and so I did not want to allow it to happen. I was quite sure it meant I was not supposed to be God and I was so ashamed of My attachment to this role and of My feelings of insecurity [see Dan Hill's song "You ask me if I love you"] here that I did not allow them. My denial here was so vehement that "heresy" was the label applied by lost Will to any efforts to question or approach this area.

Although the extent of My insecurities ran so deep that I am just now allowing these denials to come forward in these stories, I am also ready to say that moving along with me means being willing to see that these stories are true and being unwilling to live in the world of false images anymore.

I, Myself, can no longer stand the false images I entered into then . As you look at Me as I was then in light of what I have already told you now, you will not like Me there either. It was true, I was all of the things you are going to feel about Me now, but I was also overwhelmed and feeling like I could not cope without the alignment I needed with My Own Four Parts. I was doing the best I could with what I knew and had no one to go ahead of Me and give Me the benefit of their experience.

I had no one to get the answers from but Myself, and without manifesting a Creation, I had no way to gain the experience necessary to gain the understandings I needed, but this is just another raionalization unless you move all the emotions you need to move to feel you no longer hate Me for what has happened to you, any more than you need to hate yourselves anymore for not being able to do any better with your own realities than you did.

It is a great responsibility to have realized that My Light has to move first or you cannot move. Then, I rationalized the problems in Creation by saying the Manifested Spirits could not be expected to learn everything as quickly as We did in the Godhead or even in the same ways, and avoided My fear that taking responsibility for everything was too much of an ego trip, even for God.

"Their experiences must be right for them or they would not be having them," We said. While this was true, this was not all there was to it.

To take a wider view would have meant going into what I was avoiding, and I did not feel encouraged to do that. Every time I even looked at this area in Myself, I drew the reflection of spirits all around Me who seemed to view themselves as very superior to Me and all too ready to take My job if they were given any opportunity to do so.

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I regretted having allowed My Will to get so far out of hand before I moved to do anything about Her. I did not think it was a good reflection that in all of My struggling with Her, I had not managed to get the Mother to align with Me, but I felt like I could not even allow Myself to mention Her [in the Hebrew Bible , for instance. But -at least once- the Creator talks as "we"-Genesis 1:26 and Genesis 3:22]. Mentioning Her seemed to be blaming Her in a way that gave Her power I didn't want to make it seem that She had or that I even thought She had. It seemed that all I needed to do was think of the Mother and I would find Myself surrounded by spirits who acted superior because they had no struggle with their Will presence.

I looked around at the spirits who were drawing themselves up as so superior to Me. As much as the Rainbow Spirits had looked too compressed and squat to Me, these spirits looked too elongated and lacking in substance. I hesitate to mention this now, but it was almost nothing but guilt which kept Me from pushing these Angels away from Me also, guilt and fear that there would be no one left and I would be all alone again.

I didn't have muchhope for the Manifested Spirits, but as I looked around the Heavens, I didn't have much hope for the spirits who were left there either. They had gathered themselves around Me like family [sic] gathered around a patriarch who might not live and when they found Me becoming more consciously present with them again, they began moving to return to their normal activities.

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS

How long I had been as I just described to you, I did not know and I did not want to ask, lest it indicate some loss of consciousness on My part. I simply began responding to the spirits gathered around Me, subtly at first, as though I had just allowed Myself to retreat from them and was not returning to moving outwardly.

I was embarrassed about the struggle I was having and I did not know I had fallen from My place. The Angels had their own reasons for letting this all pass by as quickly as possible. The Angels who had replacing the Mother in mind were hovering around Me, of course, and now that I looked conscious, they began offering up the littler Angels as though I were a father being allowed to kiss the children before they were taken off to their rooms and put to bed for the night. I was lying back now and the impression they were conveying to the littler Angels was that they were not to bother Father tonight because He was in such need of rest that He was

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way My Light ever found it to be happening when I was around.

My Light finally had to look into the gap through the eyes of the Mother and let Her take Me there, but I was a long time in coming to this place because of the lack of trust resulting from the impriting that was already in place before We met. When I finally did look into the gap in this way, I was amazed at what I saw. Although the Mother had been moving emotion in My presence, I was not receiving it because of damage I did not know I had to My receptive centers. Therefore, the Mother could not move very far without encountering lovelessness on My side. Had there been Heart in these places, this could not have happened; because there was a gap instead, it couldn't be otherwise.

Since I was not receiving Her, I could not bond to the Will in these areas, and these were the exact areas She then could not take Me into, and these are the same areas you need to let the Mother take you into, by opening to receive Her more than you ever have in the past. This is not going to be easy to do since you have the imprinting My Light has, which says to back away from Her instead, but if you can feel the fear involved in this instead of ignoring it in favor of your usual response, you can move a long way quickly, which is why I would like to go over the fight again from the Mother's point of view so that you can see where I was gapping , and understand more clearly where you fit in.

THE FIGHT
FROM THE MOTHER'S POINT OF VIEW

Getting God's attention was almost impossible for Me. I always felt like I was in competition with all of the other spirits and could only get His attention if I could catch Him on His way to internalizing in an effort to escape from all of Us. Once He internalized, My feeling was it was not possible to disturb HIm without serious repercussions because He hated having His reveries interrupted. I tried to respect this as much as possible, but when I found that I was unable to rest or relax, meditate, internalize or sleep Myself, I began to feel that I was granting Him long periods of this at My own expense. Even though I fought these feelings down, telling Myself I was wrong and selfish to feel this way, I felt taken for granted. I felt I was being left to handle everything He was avoiding in order to accord Himself these periods of escape within, and during these times, He did not want anyone to have access to Him and I often felt like i had been drafted into the role

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of guarding Him.

The longer this went on without God indicating He appreciated or even noticed it, the more difficult it was for Me to feel like granting Him this space for uninterrupted internalizing. I didn't like the way He granted this to Himself without concern for My needs. I felt I was often the One making the space for this to be possible and I was experiencing huge build-ups of pressure within Myself that had no outlet. There was no other place I could go with things I needed to give to God. More and more, I felt I was holding the lid on things that were impossible for Me to handle by Myself. I was feeling very confused and frightened and the things I was trying to hold were leaking out of Me like festing sores and diseases.

I had many pressures of My own from the outside, and when the pressure from within built to the point of not being able to control it, I would have to risk involving your Father, no matter what fear this put Me into, because continuing to hold these things back had become unbearable torture for Me. I suffered from restlessness, agitation, turmoil, sleeplessness, exhaustion and anguish to the point of breakdown.

The night of this particular fight was the culmination of many sleepless nights of falling into bed so exhausted from the caretaking of so many spirits who gave Me not even gratitude for My efforts that I was almost too tired to sleep. Something was roaring within Me that would give Me no peace, and when this finally quieted down and I thought I might be able to drift off into sleep, it was then that I would be haunted by the plaintiff cries of the "lost ones." I was tormented by their tortured cries, and by the feeling of terrified powerlessness I had about not being able to move toward them without God's help. I did not know why, but I felt I must have God's help for them. I could not stand the idea of going "out there" to them without His help. I seemed not to have the power to draw them in either, and I felt it was because God didn't have acceptance for this.

The longer I lay there in this exhausted turmoil, the more My fear and grief began to turn into blame and rage until finally, I was so clanked up into blame for God that I no longer cared what His response was going to be to being intruded upon, I was going to do it. I wanted to start roaring and screaming at Him and wake Him up that way, but I was way too frightened and so I took the apologetic, gentle approach of begging His forgiveness for disturbing Him in His sleep, as though He were King and there were

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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already in bed ahead of the children.

The littler Angels did their best to present Me with just what they were expected to present, but they were not the merry and bright little-creatures they had once been. I pulled them close to Me and We shared some much needed moments of grief and comfort. It gave Me perhaps the most comfort of all to feel close to some spirits for a few moments who still felt rather innocent, when so much of the time, I was now a God whose spirits had either become too frightened of Him to come close anymoe, or were engaged in a power struggle with Him.

These little Angels gave Me much reassurance that they loved Me, and they almost dared to tell Me how much they loved and missed the Mother, but they were unable to get it out because they were not sure I had receptivity to them here.

"Mother," was all they could say and I did not seek to make them say more. I felt I already knew the feelings they had and I permitted them to cry in My arms for quite some time. I certainly hadn't wanted the spirits to feel a lack of maternal love and warmth in their lives or to experience the grief of the loss of a Mother. I stopped short, however, of saying anything about trying to get the Mother to come back, because I was not sure She was really the kind of Mother I wanted them to have or that She had been giving them the kind of Mothering I wanted them to have.

As though My thoughts were their cue to show Me how attuned they were to My needs, the Mother contenders began fluttering around Us as though they did not want to allow Our grief to suggest that they were not capable of mothering the spirits in ways that were better than what their actual Mother had been doing. They acted like they wanted to remove the littler Angels from My presence as soon as possible. Within Moments, they could not resist doing so, as though a token goodnight was all they had in mind to allow here, because bedtime was supposed to fit into an image they already had of how it would be best facilitated. They shepherded the littler Angels away, telling them not to trouble their Father, but to tell them anything that was bothering them instead.

I noticed that the concern in these Mother contenders was not for what the children were feeling. It was all the Father and how He was going to like what the children were feeling. These Angels made Me feel they were more interested in the acting out of emotions rather than allowing themselves or anyone else to actually have any. Over and over, they were acting out the appearance of emotional expression I had liked in the past. If any emotion did start to arise that they thought I might not like or that I had not liked in

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the past, they quickly attempted to divert its expression into some form they thought I would like, such as shepherding the littler Angels away now.

The truth of the matter was I did not really want to be bothered right then, but that was mostly because I had so much lost Will that had not moved in so long that I no longer knew what felt good to Me. Nonetheless, there was something about their anticpation of My needs that really bothered Me. It was almost like they didn't want to allow Me to have any feelings except the one of how much better it would be to have one of them as a Mother replacement.

It seemed to Me that in truth, the Angels weren't any better able to move than I was. They were doing their best to give Me the impression that they had no problems, but to Me, it was as though We had all become frozen in time and space, unable to move out of the situation We were in.

Now that the Mother contenders had taken the littler Angels away, I was left with "my staff", who had appointed themselves like watchdogs to make sure I didn't make a move without them knowing about it. The feeling was such that if I had had a body that needed to crap, they would have tried to sit in on it.

I noticed now that there was one Angel who had not participated in anything the other Angels were doing. Even now, she sat at the edge of things, giving the impression she was pouting. At first, I allowed Myself to think she had grief, but when I looked more closely, I could see that she was trying to manipulate Me with her pouting. She had the impression that the Mother used emotion to gain power over Me and she was trying to do the same thing. She had gaining the Mother's position in mind, but She did not want to make a move toward Me because my Light was supposed to recognize her so there would be no doubt in anyone's mind that she was the replacement for the Mother. She wanted Me to call her to My side, make love to her and let her know that she was the Mother for Me.

I recognized this Angel as the one who felt she had the greatest claim on the role of the Mother largely because she regarded herself as having almost emerged the Father Warriors. She felt she had earned the position of Mother, as though love could be earned by being the best at doing whatever pleased the person whose love was being sought.

I must allow Myself to say this pleased Me more then than it does now, but even then, I did not like the feeling of undercurrent pressure she was applying. All of the Mother contenders pretended they were not pressuring Me to select them, or competing with one

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beggars at His door in the midst of a terrible storm who could not be let in without His permission.

I always hoped He would listen at these times so that He could hear them and know that I was not making this up, but it seemed that just moving toward waking him would silence these voices, and that no matter how long He waited, attentively listening, they would not make another sound until He was asleep again. I did not know what to make of this. The "lost ones" seemed so attuned that they knew if I even thought of waking God, but when I begged them to let Him hear their plea, it was as though they did not hear Me.

At times, I began to wonder if I was crazy. I was haunted by visions while awake, and dreams while asleep, of gaunt, frozen faces pressed against the windows of Our house when it was only I who was going to see them, of agonized, stillborn births, of burning, beaten and abandoned babies, of mothers wailing in the anguish of having to choose amongst their children because there was no means by which to provide for all of them, of neglected and unwanted children wandering lost beyond Our doors, of thin, little beggar fingers barely able to tap upon Our kitchen door, of little drowning children crying to Me from the ocean floor. I was assailed by the sounds and feelings of beatings, torture, murder and mayhem.

By day, I took care of ungrateful children who had too much, and at night, I was condemned to listen, without being able to help, to the cries of those for whom life had nothing to offer but pain. I wondered if God didn't have another, secret Creation in which He turned into Lucifer for the purpose of maiming, torturing and killing everything there by the most cruel means He could devise. But He denied this, and by day, He looked so loving, I feared I must be crazy. But by night, where did He go? Why was He so insensitive, indifferent, uncaring, callous, denying, suspicious and even abusive toward what I was experiencing? And why were the "lost ones" so apparently afraid of Him that they would not let Him see or hear them?

I did not have any answers to these questions; I just knew something had to change, and since I had blame I could not quell for your Father, I felt the change had to start with Him, but I was too afraid of Him most of the time to be able to come straight ahead with what I really felt. Whenever I did, My fears were confirmed because He appeared to Me to change into Lucifer before My eyes, and on this particular night, it was no different.

I apologized for waking Him, and did it with the least amount of stirring that I could, asking Him as quietly and as gently as I could if He would please listen one more time for the wailing sounds I was hearing. He did nothing but grunt at first, and by the time He did awaken, sure enough, they were gone.

This was quite maddening to Me because I had explained the problem to Him and still He managed to create such a disturbance about being awakened that by the time He agreed to listen, there was no possibility of hearing them because of the way they ran from Him. To Me, it was as though He did this intentionally, and I felt great annoyance that bordered upon the blaming rage I feared I dare not express. I hated the constricted feeling I had in His presence at night, and all the rest of the time, for that matter. It was beginning to feel impossible to live in His presence anymore because I could never cut loose in the ways that I wanted to, but as I have said, the thought of leaving Him was too much for Me also.

I decided I was going to have to tell Him how it felt to Me but I feared telling Him, and I feared that once I started, It was all going to want to pour out, and of course, it did. He stopped listening to Me almost from the very beginning and began telling Me to shut up and let Him go back to sleep because He had had enough of My constant nagging, pestering pressure. He told Me I was looking haggard. Why couldn't I see that this was doing Me no good? Why couldn't I relax a little and be more like Him? Why couldn't I just let Myself get some rest, maybe then I wouldn't even hear these disturbing things or have these disturbng visions. Then He patted Me in a familiar way that let Me know He didn't plan to let Himself be driven crazy like I was.

I hated the place He was putting Me with His lack of acceptance and this was the last straw in so many ways. It wasn't possible for Me to hold back anymore, and I began to weep for so many reasons, I felt it wasn't even possible to explain them all. If your Father had asked Me to try to sum it all up that night, I might have said that He was insensitive in so many ways that it was impossible for Me to feel good with HIm. I might have, but I did not; first of all because He did not ask and only acted more annoyed with Me, but also for so many additional reasons I didn't feel it was possible for Me to explain all of them either. When He seemed so impatient with Me, I tried to let it go with the statement that I did not think He was interested in hearing the "lost ones."

This incensed Him, which frightened Me into withdrawing even further, where I stayed for a long time, quaking in the fear of

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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another for the position of the Mother, but they all were. When I looked into it later, I found deadly denials here. The lost Will involved has engaged in all kinds of political intrigue, even murdering many sometimes in the effort to gain access to the position of first lady in various power structures on Earth. I have lost Will involvement here also in the form of sometimes enjoying watching Myself being fought over without acknowledging I was even aware of it.

What was going on in the Godhead was very indirect. It was a game of Will pitted against Will while pretending we did not have any Will presence other than that which was most pleasant. We never allowed Ourselves to show the behavior of the Manifested Spirits which We found so appalling and unevolved. We always treated One another with the greatest respect. Our undercurrents were showing up in the lower astral planes where We could claim they were only nightmares that had nothing to do with Us. This has been acted out on Earth many times as the difference between the palace by day and the palace by night.

The game of indirectness was being played by the Angel who was pouting, although not as subtly as by the others. She was almost openly insisting that I recognize her, in fact, and much to her annoyance, I passed her by. I was not ready to select another Mother, given the experience I had the first time, but I allowed "mothers" to happen to Me by not being direct. There have been many Angels over time who have allowed themselves to believe that I allowed them to have the role of Divine Mother. They have always wanted to be called the Divine Mother instead of the Mother of Everything because they have never wanted to be called Mother of the spirits who displeased Me. I also allowed these Angels to feel they had My love many times more than the Mother of Everything because it was easier to go to them than to face what I had to face with the Mother.

This time, I allowed Myself to be indirect by pretending I did not know why this Angel was pouting and hanging around. I told her her grief was not necessary anymore now that everyone knew I was not going away from them, and that there certainly must be something else She could do with her time. She allowed herself to think I had lovemaking in mind since she did, and when I did not like her approach here, she blamed Me for My indirectness without seeing her own. It has been this way with the Angels all the way along, blaming others without seeing their own involvement. You will find that denied guilt has this in common.

I looked past this Angel then as a way of dismissing her , and everywhere I looked, I saw more problems. I feared I couldn't see

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anything in a positive light anymore. I had a moment of panic. The entire Angelic vibration was looking weak to Me, and My Light did not appear to be filling in the gaps left by the Angels who were missing from the Heavens. The pouting Angel saw My moment of panic and assumed that she had the right answer; lovemaking was necessary.

She had the right answer in form, but lovemaking has to be with someone you love in that way and in the time when you feel like loving in that way. Need fulfillment is not wrong, but the more it is just need fulfillment, the more the presence of Love is reduced proportionately. The Light generated is not fully loving Light if It is generated from need without also the loving desire to fill the need. Many heirs to thrones, and so forth, have been conceived this way, and no problem has been as great for them as the problem of lovelessness in their lives.

Marriages between people based on agreements made by themselves or others because they are best suited to positively influence one another's lives according to all outward forms has origins here, and yet, this does not mean that this is the form marriage should take, even though several religions have embraced this approach as the means by which the turmoil and mistakes of emotional selection can be avoided. Love is said to grow in these marriages, and sometimes it does, but often, it is just a habit pattern of relating to one another that is missed when the partners go apart; no footstep in the house at night and that sort of thing.

Attachments are what these arrangements are, and guilt and power are most of what is being called love here. Letting go of attachments and moving along is necessary if real love is going to be found. Agreements and attachments, or strings, do not need to be formed when love is found because love is seeking to have the relationship without need of any agreements or attachments to force it.

The fact that I never formally married the Mother of Everything in a ceremony or made a formal declaration of Our relationship in front of all the spirits, who came after Her relationship with Me, I might add, does not make Her any less the Mother. All of the Angels have wanted to have ceremonies with Me where We would declare Our intent toward One another. Some of My lost Will has participated in these ceremonies, only to find out that the form of them became empty later on when the feelings did not remain the same as they were at the time of the ceremony.

Lucifer has also gotten involved here by holding people to agreements when it profited him and making sure they felt their

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what He might do; but as before, My fear began converting itself to rage the longer I lay there, unable to sleep, in the presence of a God who found peace by not caring what I was experiencing or what others were experiencing. I was outraged, and the more My feelings churned inside of Me, the more My internal thoughts and pictures were sweeping them into greater intensity. I felt almost like a whirlwind gaining force. I felt I had to breathe to release some of the tension, and move also, because I could not hold still anymore. I was terrified of making noise, but I felt like a bellows [see Wikipedia] that someone else was driving.

"I'm not going down in fear anymore," I heard Myself say internally. I feared I was in the grips of the rage I hated feeling, but My thoughts were aligned with it enough that fear was being knocked out of the way. I began to move toward rage in a more powerful way, feeling that I needed to express these feelings and that if it awakened God, He needed to be awakened.

This did not last long, however. As soon as I began to express this rage through movement and breathing, God stirred and I immediately felt fear clutching at My throat, telling Me to shut up. This went on for quite some time; fear turning into rage at God's unresponsiveness, and then converting back to heart-pounding fear again whenever He stirred. I could not understand how a Father, who said He was love, could be so frightening, but I was determined not to let fear get the better of Me this time because I was at My wit's end.

I began talking to Him inside Myself as though He were awake. I was afraid that if He did wake up, My mind would go blank, and I wanted to be prepared. When I felt keyed up enough that My rage seemed strongly present enough to support Me in this, I dared to make more noise, and then more noise until God woke up. Immediately, fear grabbed at My throat again and My heart began to pound, but after looking at Him long and hard, I decided it was now or never and I began to tell Him all the things I had been holding back for so long.

I didn't know where this was coming from in Me. I had never been able to be so articulate with My complaints before. I told HIm how He never really helped Me or accepted Me and how He kept HImself away from Me, and Me away from Him, too much of the time. I told HIm I didn't like it that He didn't trust Me and I told Him how I did not trust Him either because He wasn't doing things the way I wanted them done. I told Him His ways were uncomfortable for Me. I told HIm I had to have more help, but My kind of

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help, not the help He thought I should have. Then I started to feel guilty and I began telling Him how much I appreciated all the help He had tried to give, but that it wasn't the right kind of help and not the help I wanted.

I told Him I felt like a mad woman being the only One who heard the "lost ones," and that I found Myself scraping left-overs off of plates and seeing gaunt faces staring up at Me in them, picking up discarded possessions and seeing thin little hands reaching for them as I did. I told Him I was overwhelmed with anguish because I felt like a Mother being forced to choose among Her children because there was no means to provide for them all and that I felt sure the "lost ones" could live on just what was wasted in the Heavens, and that if We were just a little more careful, I was sure there would be enough leftover for them to live abundantly.

I felt He was only half-listening and had fastened on "mad woman," and the feelling He gave Me was that He thought I was only seeing Myself reflected here.

I could sense Him backing away from Me and this was frightening to Me. I begged Him to hear Me on this and told Him I was losing My grip on what was real and what was not real. I heard a voice say that I never had a grip, but God appeared not to have said anything and so I went on, saying that I wished somebody, but most of all, He, would listen to Me and help Me understand what was happening to Me, and that even though He had told Me over and over that I needed to calm down, I could not, and I could not resolve it unless He agreed to go with Me and help Me find out if there really were lost children who had no hope of any life without Our help.

All of a sudden, I realized He was not listening to a word I said. This threw Me into a frenzy. I was virtually out of control, screaming and crying with every emotion, thrashing and flailing wildly. I was literally having a fit of rage like an infant who feels it isn't possible to stand another moment of existence in the state it is in. I even got right in God's face and screamed at Him that if He was experiencing what I was experiencing, He could not possibly remain so unresponsive. I felt a stab go through Me that said, "Maybe He could."

When I felt that stab I wanted to hit Him. I wanted to hit Him until He felt something enough that He could not retreat into that coldness of His anymore. I wanted Him to get My point and not be able to ignore it any longer.

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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agreements and attachments were wrong when it did not profit him. This is the way most agreements and attachments have been used.

Wherever Lucifer has found the Will attached to My Light, he has made the Will feel wrong for having these attachments, as though the Will was not allowing the Light to be free. Attachments made because love cannot let go are different than attachments made for purposes of profit, gain and manipulation, although Lucifer has turned it around in people's minds. Even though most of you are going to say you know this already, you are going to be amazed to find out what is really going on in your lives when you move more lost Will and find your hatred for the opposite sex.

As I looked around then, I saw almost nothing but attachment to My Light. Whatever their reasons were, the Angels were all clinging to Me. They all appeared to be mirroring Me in whatever way they thought would please Me most. When I was having thoughts of wishing I had not manifested Creation, they moved as close to Me as they could, and it seemed as though they had lost the desire and/or the power to remain manifest.

When I was feeling like My side of the family had strength and it was all the Mother's fault We had such a mess in creation, the Angels moved toward the masculine side of themselves. I could see they felt stronger to themselves here and more like Me, but as soon as I began feeling like they were lacking some of the pleasing qualities that had come from the earlier softness in their light, I saw that they began drifting toward their feminine sides.

If they felt I was looking at them as Mother contenders, they began expressing what they had seen Me praise as the feminine attributes. If they perceived Me to be looking at them as more of a friend, they began expressing what I had praised as masculine attributes. They did not seem to think I could just be friends with a femininely polarized Angel.

At times, it appeared they did not notice what was happening to them when they shifted from one side of themselves to another. At other times, it appeared they were allowing this to happen to them because they thought it pleased Me, and at other times, it appeared that they saw Me as imposing this on them for My own purposes. In fact, most of the Angels were uncomfortable about the idea of having to make a gender choice at all. They viewed it as a limitation they did not want to have and actually seemed to prefer moving back and forth.

I allowed this most of the time, but I also had a feeling that something wasn't right about it. It was as though there was nothing

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real about what the Angels were doing. I felt like I was being given the performance they thought I wanted to have, rather than a real life activity.

All the Angels were polarized to My Light, especially now, with so much of the Will presence gone. They were always asking Me what to do, as though pleasing Me was all they had in mind, but in the denied feelings I had then, I found they were not pleasing Me. Nothing they did seemed appropriate, even when I gave them detailed instructions. I was very annoyed to recognize the Mother in Myself here, and so I did not allow Myself to notice it then.

If I felt they were pressing in too closely upon Me, they began finding excuses to move back, but not much. They did not mentin that I had a need for them to move back. The name of the game here was perfect attunement without having to mention needs or give emotional response because there was a desire not to allow any Will presence to manifest. This meant things must not be allowed to get to the point of emotional expression because this would be making space in the Godhead for the Mother's return. The Angels, therefore, moved back by seeming to realize they had something else to do that was taking them farther away from Me.

Any time, however, that they moved a little too far away to feel as involved in what was happening as they wanted to be, they moved in closer saying they had something to do which required them to be closer to Me. If I had feelings of having problems, they appointed themselves to counsel Me in the positive vibration. If they found themselves in a situation in which they felt unsure of what to do, they referred to their images of what had been done in the past in similar situations and adapted this to the present as best they could.

The Angels kept repeating over and over things which had pleased Me in the past, as though there was no new input that could be given and no new needs I might have. While the feminine side was busy anticipating needs I might have based on needs I had in the past, the masculine side was presenting the reflection of not having any needs because the God in them was self-fulfilled. It was very hard for Me to accept anything from them because of the reflection they were giving or not needing anything from Me in return.

At times, I preferred the masculine side because it seemed to be more free and less involved with needs. At other times, I felt I did have needs that I wanted met. I then preferred the feminine side, because there was more attempt to meet My needs, even if there was also more entamglement and manipulation involved in the

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God pushed Me back. Instead of getting My point across and being received, He missed the whole point of My hysteria and instead made fun of it and started asking Me if I had plans to leave Him since I hated Him so much, and who I thought might want Me the way I was.

I began foaming at the mouth then and screaming like a possessed mad person. God then attempted to calm Me down as though I were some sort of amusing wild animal. I knew what His motives were. This drove Me even crazier until I suddenly regained some sense of Myself when I heard a cold voice say, "It could be a lot worse. I can make Your life a lot worse than it is already. YOu don't know how good You have it. You do not appreciate or understand the control I exercise. If You knew what I hold the lid on to make Your life as pleasant as it is, you would not pressure Me like this. You don't appreciate Me, or what I do. You are insensitive to My needs. I have needs, and what do You ever do about My needs? Very seldom do I ever find a few moments to rest or sleep and You behave like a shrew, begrudging Me this [sic] like it is too much for You to give Me. You do not take care of My needs and You do not even let Me take care of My own needs. I generate all the Light You have and You cannot even allow Me the space to do it. How would You like it if I took what You have away from You and send You 'out there' where they are?"

While this and more was being said to Me, God appeared to be silent, but He was pushing and pushing on Me like He wanted to push Me as far away as necessary not to have to hear Me, and He was looking increasingly more menacing, intimidating and Luciferian with every push.

I was becoming increasingly more and more terrified every moment this went on. So many things were running wild inside of Me that I wasn't sure anymore what was really being said and what was being activated inside of Me from other fights. There was a great swirling and spinning around Us and within it, it seemed every fight We ever had, and everything that was ever said in any fight We ever had was taking place in that moment. I heard voices like God's, but they sounded strangely warped, distorted and elongated around the edges by a coldness that was chilling Me to My core, out of which a chill arose from Me in return, causing Me to shake as though I was extremely cold.

His eyes had Me fixed like a snake with its prey, and I feared He was going to kill Me. We were going around and around in circles Ourselves, facing off like two fighters. I was on guard and

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He seemed to be looking for an opening to leap on Me. I could hear terrified crying that I realized must be coming from Me, but it sounded like it was someone else. The louder it got, the more distracted your Father looked, until finally, it seemed to break the spell and I heard Him say, "Shut up! It was only a little push!"

I experienced this in a kind of trance in which everything was extremely intense and vivid. I was there, but in a way, I was not there. When your Father snapped Me out of it by yelling at Me, everything became a blur in which I could not control Myself, and I started screaming uncontrollably that the only reason He wanted Me to shut up was because He was getting nervous that others might hear Me and that He did not want anyone else to know what He was really like. I started going on about His image and how it was more important to Him than anything else, and I even threatened to expose His darker side by doing My best to call these fights to the attention of others, whereupon I began screaming even louder that I was going to expose Him and His "junkyard creation" where I suspected He slipped away at night to do twisted and perverted things, and that the reason He would not listen to Me about what I saw and heard was because He actually thought that by silencing Me, or failing that, claiming I was crazy, or even getting rid of Me, He could continue to get away with this, and with His own double identity. When I heard Myself say that there was no evil coming from any place in His creation other than from Him, I knew I was in deep trouble.
[See, how often on "Healing-K.i.s.s." I quoted the biblical verse: "I create evil"]

He was looking more and more like Lucifer. I had repeatedly experienced this with Him and it felt like He either was Lucifer and only showed it when I cracked His facade, somehow turned into Lucifer, or let Lucifer take over Him whenever He didn't like Me or didn't want to administer what He felt like administering. It was very chillng to watch this transformation come over Him.My terror increased so much, it was as though My rage had evaporated. Everything fell very still for a few moments, but then I could not resist baiting Him further. It was as if something was driving Me to say everything I possibly could in that moment, and not stop until I was finished. I didn't shut up until I had launched into and nearly finished My next tirade, which went nearly word for word like this;

"But then again," I went on, "You probably will get away with it because no one else around here seems to notice what You have going on, and if You eliminate Me, as it appears You plan to do, there won't be anyone to notice anything. That's what You want,

The green, fourth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1989]:
EARTH SPELL
The Loss of Consciousness on Earth
Dedicated to God the Father of Loving Light

The yellow, fifth RUOW book [channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1992]:
HEART SONG
Vibrating Heartlessness to Let Heart in
Dedicated to Heart

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meeting of My needs. But no matter which side of themselves the Angels presented to Me, this was still another place where I could not find the balance I sought. No matter which side the Angels presented to Me, they were not receiving Me, because they were too busy giving Me their image of giving and telling Me they needed nothing from Me in return.

Once I allowed Myself to really notice this, I did not feel received even by the Angels anymore. Everything they gave Me felt like it had strings attached that said things like, "My Light is superior to You because You need from Me," or "This latest gift should certainly mean that I have earned the place of the Mother." And yet, My Light was going someplace.[???]

I had always thought of the Angels as My closest friends and I made many excuses for them here, but I felt uncomfortable and I had a feeling that it was impossible to get even these spirits to act natural and be comfortable around Me. As soon as I would have such thoughts, the Angels began posturing comfortable relaxation.

Part of Me felt despair over this, part of Me knew the Mother must be found and restored to Her right place no matter what troubles I had had with Her, part of Me did not allow Myself to notice what was going on here, and part of Me embraced the search that has led to the healing unfolding now. Though there are other things I could also list, I must admit that part of Me began to play with this reflection the Angels were giving Me to see how far it would go.

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED

I have now gone as far as I want to go with this Willessness in the Angels. I have gone into this in every aspect of Myself and I now have a "bone to pick" with the Spirit Polarity and I must be allowed to pick it.

If you were so conscious in Me from the very beginning as you say you were, if you were so conscious within Me that you are the same as Me, if you were so conscious within Me that you understand Me as well as you want to say you do, then why did you emerge without your Wills? Why are you still stuck in My original mistakes with the Will? Why did you not move along with Me and make the moves to embrace your Wills and find the balance that would produce Heart? Why are you still stuck in My original bad intent toward the Will?

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If you have nothing to learn from Me because you are Me already, how can you be Me already and be resistant to My Light? If you have self-acceptance for being Me already, then My Light cannot be resistant to Itself. If you do not think you are resistant to My Light, then tell Me why you are not moving along with Me. You have not moved since My original bad intent toward the Will in the First Creation. If you are as conscious as you say you are, then why did you consciously polarize to my denials and shun the rest?

If you really believe everyone makes their own choices and creates their own reality, as you so much like to say when you are looking out upon those less fortunate than you and feeling superior in the choices you have made, then why did you choose to align with My denials instead of with My Light? If you are really lagging that far behind in your ability to understand the difference between denial and love, you are not Me or equals to My Light the way you say you are.

You cannot have it both ways anymore. You cannot say you are My Light and that you have experienced everything I have experienced and understood eveverything I have understood, and then say you emerged without your Wills because you didn't know any better and that you did the best you could but were just too frightened of your Wills to be able to emerge with them. You have always blamed the Mother here and have never noticed anything else about Her. You judged the Will was the negative in Creation, and you judged the negative as Evil, and you have made these judgments against the Will, apparently, in advance of experiencing the Will.

As much as you have at times said you move in response to Me, you don't really. YOu only give that appearance when it suits your purposes. Actually, you reverse Me. As much as you have hated and blamed the Mother as the reason you never loved your own Wills, you have tried to deny Her, and yet, you have always moved in response to Her, negative response. You project yourselves as positive-positive when you are actually negative-negative.

You have been all too happy to let Me cast you in the roles of My children when this absolved you from responsibility you did not want to take. You have also turned around then and had no problem saying you were My equals and not My children at all when you wanted to have My power. You have, thus, tried to have My power without taking responsibility for it. This I can no longer allow. You cannot claim to be the Me that originates everything and then refuse to take the accompanying responsibility.

When it has suited you, you have shunned responsibilty by claiming to be a child of Mine which was a way of saying you are

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isn't it God?" I said in the most demeaning tone I could muster. "Heart won't notice, will He God? The Angels won't notice, will they God? They can't even pick up after themselves. And the Ancient Ones, well, they'll like it I'm sure. If you get rid of Me, God, they'll like it. The Arc Angels will like it too, won't they! Then they'll all have even more power over You. They're all in on this with You already, aren't they God? What is this Creation of Yours, God, a place where everyone has to look like You, talk like You, do like You, be like You or You get rid of them? Your sweet little Heaven is My Hell!"

I had been punctuating everything with screams of, "I can't stand You," or, "I hate You!" It was uncontrollable because the feelings of hatred I had for Him in that moment were immense. I was also mimicking His tired little attempts to avoid the situation. Even when I noticed Him wincing at My onslaught, I couldn't stop Myself, or move to express the fleeting sympathy I felt for Him in that instant.

I wasn't taking My eyes off of Him, but I could sense the presence of spirits gathering around Us now; Our children. I didn't want them to have to see, hear or experience anything like this, not only for their own sake, but also because I did not know how they would react or who they might line up with. I feared it was not going to be Me and I feared what might happen if they lined up with their Father against Me.

Even though I was shaking with fear, I went on in a baiting kind of voice, the intent of which was to get Him to show me what He was so busy holding back, even though I feared what it was. I thought there was a chance the children treated Me as they did because He did it, and I wanted everything to come out in the open, right there in front of the children, so He couldn't deny it later.

"That's what You want, isn't it God, a bunch of followers who only worship You and never question You! A bunch of imbeciles who can't hold onto anything! But that's no problem because then they can't hold onto their wits and that means You can do whatever You want; they'll just go along with it and they won't notice it! Well, I notice it and You're going to have a harder time getting rid of Me than You think You are! I'm not going to shut up until things change around here! If You get rid of Me, I'm going to take everything I can down with Me, including You! If you don't help Me, We're enemies from now on. You're finished God! Finished!"

When He laughed at Me, I was frightened by how demonic it

p. 219

sounded and how demonic He looked, but I didn't want to let Him know. Instead, I gave Him one last burst, "You can't live without Me no matter what You think!" I screamed, and then turned from Him and ran toward the spirits who had been coming in on Us.

Most of them were gathered around Us, crying, at least a little bit, in what appeared to Me to be fear. They were looking very sad. They did not like Mommy and Daddy fighting and I knew it. I apologized to them, but My tone put the blame on their Father.

As soon as My rage subsided, I hated Myself immensely and I was in such terror, I imagined they must be also. I went toward them, gathered as many as possible into My arms, and gathered the rest of them as close to Me as I could. I had the feeling God saw this as an effort to align them on My side and I suppose it was, if comforting their distress at being witnesses to a brutality between their Parents that I didn't feel even needed to take place could be called that. I suppose this action on My part was as much to comfort and protect myself as them. I did feel that their Father would not dare strike Me in their midst, but there was also a genuine desire to comfort them that did not feel wrong at the time. There was no other place I felt drawn to go at the moment.

I was crying and fearing and trying to comfort them in the feelings I imagined they must have, but when it did not seem they were responding much to Me, I began to feel quite uncomfortable and self-conscious. I could not even gather them as closely or as warmly about Me as I wanted to. It was as though they were polarizing away from Me.

Since their Father had ordered them out of the room almost as soon as He noticed them, I decided it was no longer right to oppose HIm on this and I took them back to their beds, where I sat with them for quite some time, trying to find out what they were feeling. When it seemed they were not listening to Me, but were drifting off to sleep instead, I apologized again to them and asked them to sleep as long as they could in the morning because I was very tired and did not want to have to get up early.

I rejoined God, hoping He had forgiven Me and I could just creep into bed. I really did not want to leave Him or be thrown out; I wanted Him to receive Me and respond with something other than what I was getting.

God seemed to be peacefully internalized. My fear and My remorse, My guilt and even My returning love wanted to slide back into My place with Him and try to go on as though this had never happened, just as I had done after so many other fights

This is the last image from the four El-Al pilots' mountain-bike-tour in Moab/Uta around May 4, 2012,
I'm inserting it on this day, July 10, 2012, after I've reached the pages 219 of copying both RUOW books.

See more in K.i.s.s.-log July 10, 2008/2012

contination to the last pages of the Green and of the Yellow Book