"Driving Backward into the Future" = "Closeups to the Past" = Healing&Harvesting my Past

During lunch I listened to part of a talkshow about "Editing Books" as business.
(In connection with the "Leipziger Buchmesse" in these days.)
I've always identified with the predicament of daring editors,
(like the young Lambert Schneider, who asked Martin Buber,
to make a new translation of the Hebrew Bible,
which then became the "Verdeutschung der Schrift" bei Buber and Rosenzweig)
editors who had to struggle hard, or even failed, to succeed financially.



This is one aspect of this theme.
The other is the pathetic failure of the editions of my own book.

As to the German edition by "Walter De Gruyter", Berlin-NewYor, 1978,

in the series Studia Judaica, Forschungen zur Wissenschaft des Judentums,
edited by E.Ludwig Ehrlich, Basel
[who in 1977 organized one of the "Partnership"-Events with me and Nimr Ismair],
money for printing had to be sponsored
by the "Geschwister Boehringer Ingelheim Stiftung".

As to the Hebrew edition,

the Newspaper Editor "Ma'ariv" was reluctantly ready,
to offer the book under its auspices, 1982
but it did not pay one penny for the print,
nor did it do anything to publizise the book.
The money came from the savings of Abraham Lisod,
and his wife, Shifra, never forgave him his willful act until his death in 1990.

Am I bitter about this total failure?
I had been so naive as to believe, that the book would change the world.
The only tangible result was an invitation to Berlin by Helmut Ruppel,
to teach as a guest-lecturer for 4 months in 2 theological institutions.
This, in turn, had many consequences,
including a thousand day sickly partnership with the woman Brigitte-Hannah,
but the only consequence, which effected my life on the long range,
was the learning of "Rebirthing",
learning how to move difficult sensations and emotions through breathing.
But I had intended to learn Rebirthing already while still in Israel,
and if not for the chance in Berlin, I might have learnt it in my home-country.

The question then is still:
Am I bitter about the total failure of my book?

I've worked for half a year, half an hour a day,
to insert the German and the Hebrew version on Healing-K.i.s.s.,
and "of course" never gotten any feedback to this either.




Am I bitter?
Maybe only during this half hour of "driving backward".
For I came to understand, quite soon and then more and deeper,
why I AM NOT TO SUCCEED, I.E. MAKE MYSELF A NAME
ON THE EXTERIAL LEVEL.
i THOUGHT i NEEDED THIS NAME
IN ORDER TO REALIZE MY VISIONS
AND I HAVE CHASED NOT ONLY PARTNERS,
BUT PETITIONED PEOPLE WITH POWER, HONOUR, MONEY,
IN THE HOPE THEY WOULD HELP ME.

Today when I watch people with fame, I   p i t y   them with all my heart.
To be successful, to be famous - means:
to be a prisoner of people's expectations , be they real or projected by me,
from day to day, from week to week, from month to month, from year to year.




I AM FREE!
And my visions will fulfill themselves
not by doing but by being,
being myself
- healing and learning, creating and loving -
with every breath.