LEMURIA.............................................92

ATLANTIS........................................ ...96

DRUGS..............................................109

UNDERSTANDINGS OF DENIAL...... ...112

FORM AND GRAVEN IMAGES..............122

RIGHT USE OF WILL AS A HEALING      POWER FOR YOURSELF AND EARTH124

STEPS TO HEALING AND COMPLETE   RECOVERY......................................130

INTIMIDATING FORM ........................134

1984-page 100 ["Atlantis"]

and soaring rather great distances at a time.
Atlanteans did not consider this to be dignified enough for them.
They built roads and stately vehicles,
had processions and regulated individual everyday travel
so that it was orderly.
Atlantis also had majestic ships
which could travel on the seas and in the air.
Many Atlanteans traveled rather extensively
and some had the means to own their own air and sea ships.

Atlantis developed an extensive technology.
Repetitous task and everything that seemed like drudgery to Atlanteans received help from technology.
Whatever was unsuitable for Atlanteans to do
and unadaptable to technology
was taken care of by the subsitizens of Atlantis.
Subcitizens consisted of several groups:
beings still trapped in forms that limited them,
Lemurians who had moved to Atlantis to escape the dinosaurs
but who could not embrace Atlanteans ideals,
and later some of the strange peoples
discovered in remote parts of the world.
Some Atlanteans wanted to use these beings like slaves;
some even abused them;
some tried to totally ignore
the uncomfortable reflection of imbalance with the Will
that these beings presented;
and some wanted to help them evolve.

The power source for Atlantean technology was an energy
that they had learned to focus, store and project
with the help of crystals.
Pollution in the forms seen today was nonexistent then.
Lemuria had not developed any technology
but had been able to do some amazing things
by focusing energy from the Will center.
This focus was also
what had allowed them to leap and soar great distances at a time.
The development of technology in Atlantis
was largely a compensation for power lost by denying the Will.
The Atlantean point of view held
that technology was an improvement on the Will.
Many more people at that time had had a desire
to provide themselves with a technological substitute
for the powers of the Will
than had desire to understand and evolve
the emotional quality of the Will.
At first the Will in Atlantis went along with this
because experience in Lemuria seemed to be showing
that the Will should not try to prevail
but should only agree with the Spirit
and try to do what the Spirit wanted done.

The Will is not meant to prevail over the Spirit,
but neither is the Spirit meant
to pressure, threaten, judge or discipline the Will
into subservience.
The Will is meant

1984-page 101 ["Atlantis"]

to come into willing alignment with the Spirit
and this process is how the Spirit evolves itself.
All the experiences of imbalance
which have taken place on the Earth so far
and all the emotions around
them have been necessary
to bring the Will and the Spirit to the place
of being ready and able to balance with one another freely.


Earlier, in Pan the Spirit had gotten the Will
into more than it had been ready to handle in manifested realities.
The Will in Pan,
feeling it had really tried to do what the Spirit had wanted it to do,
had not appreciated feeling blamed by the Spirit
for not already having the experience it was trying to get.
The Will in reaction to the Spirit it felt had blamed it,
had tried to go on its own in Lemuria.
The Will in Lemuria was finding itself unable to succeed on its own
and the Spirits seeing it at that time
did not take responsibility for their own part in the imbalance.
Instead, almost universally, the Spirits decided
they had to control their Wills even more
and not allow their Wills the opportunity to get "out of control"
as they judged had happened in Lemuria.


Since most Atlanteans saw the earlier problems of imbalance
as something that could be solved
if the Spirit did not let the Will get out of control,
the Spirit polarity in Atlantis began to emphasize
regulation, discipline and orderly procedure.
At first the Will in Atlantis did not object to this
or try to influence the Spirit
because the Will really did fear that it had not done well in Lemuria.
The Will in Atlantis was holding
a large and unexpressed emotional charge around the question
of what its appropriate role with the Spirit was supposed to be. The Spirit in Atlantis sought to educate the Will at that time
and thus train the Will to properly serve the Spirit.
The Will in Atlantis tried to go along with this
and be obedient to the Spirit.
All aspects of Atlantean society
reflected these attitudes toward the Spirit and the Will.


Religon and education were not separate in Atlantis.

Everyone in Atlantis that was capable of receiving an education received an extensive education in the temples.
Teachers in Atlantis were also students
in that they studied for their entire lives.
Many of the realms of study that were pursued in depth in Atlantis
are just beginning
to receive acceptance as valid areas of study in America today
and some are not consciously remembered at all.

Atlantis developed the perceptive or "extra-sensory" powers extensively

 

 

1984-page 102 ["Atlantis"]

and this study opened realms not perceived by many today.
Everything Atlantis developed
was inspired and guided by these expanded perceptions
and the understandings received through them.
Even though Atlantis had a scientific orientation,
no one at that time considered these perceptions to be unscientific.
The Atlanteans' ability to apply inspiration to everyday life
also increased the credibility
of receiving information from other realities,
other kinds of beings and even from other planets.


The Atlantean civilization appeared to be fabulously successful
for a long time.
Everything they envisioned and decided to try worked for them. Atlanteans saw this as evidence that they had true understanding.
They did not believe they were judging the Will
or seeing its role inaccurately
and they did not realize that they had any denials.
There were some reflections of denial in Atlantis,
but rather than accepting these,
Atlanteans explained them away and also tried to ignore them. Atlanteans were holding beliefs and judgments about reality
that they were mistaking for reality.
If they had been able to see the reflections of their own denials
for what they were then,
these reflections could have shown them the path to balance.


One reflection which Atlanteans found to be uncomfortable,
difficult to accept,
and therefore misunderstood was
Lemuria.
As the situation of the Will's disconnection from the Spirit
worsened over time,
many dying in Lemuria incarnated into Atlantis h
oping that by polarizing themselves to the Spirit
they could either solve or avoid the problems of the Will.


Those still living in Lemuria were, by this time,
becoming overwhelmed by their situation.
Even though the Will polarity
had been worshipping the Mother aspect of God
and did not feel accepting of or accepted by the Father aspect of God
or by their own Spirits,
they finally called on the Father aspect of God for help.
By the time the Lemurians did call for help,
they were so overwhelmed
that they did not believe they could be helped.
The opening they made by calling for help
was not able to be filled with as much help as I would have liked to give because Lemurians were calling for help a
nd at the same time closing the opening to receive it
with the strong belief that they could not and would not really be helped because the Father energy was not there for them.
Even though the Original Cause for this belief was even older,

1984-page 103 ["Atlantis"]

the experience in Pan had further convinced the Will
that it could not count on the Spirit.
The Lemurian experience was a reenactment of this
as the balance point had not yet been found.


The extreme fear held by the Will in Lemuria had made it very difficult for the needed understandings to be received.
Many Spirits saw the overwhelming emotion held by the Will
as the reason why Lemurians could not solve their problems.
These Spirits decided that the solution was
to control the emotions of the Will.
This is the belief that powered the Atlantean approach. N
ow, if enough experience has been gained on Earth, t
he balance can be found.
The Will needs to be allowed
to express all of its fear and other emotions;
then it can clearly receive the Spirit's guidance.
The Spirit needs to accept and receive this emotional expression
also so that it knows what its own manifested part is experiencing. Total understanding and full acceptance
have not been fully present in the consciousness
and so, what has taken place has been necessary,
and yet it was for the most part a terrible experience for the Will
in Pan, in Lemuria and in Atlantis,
Rather than denying the experience of the Will further,
there is much that can be learned about balance
by studying these experiences of the past
and releasing the feelings held from them.


The Lemurians had developed the magnetic Will energy
to a place of great power.
By nature, magnetic Will energy is meant to attract the Spirit to it. Since the Will in Lemuria feared it was unaccepted by the Spirit
and responded by reacting against it,
Lemurians were unable to draw to themselves
the increase in spiritual presence
necessary to guide the increased magnetic energy.
Instead, the Lemurians drew to themselves
without realizing how they were doing it,
a manifestation of denial of the Spirit.
This denial took the form of dinosaurs
because that form reflected every aspect of denial of spirit
that was then held in their consciousness.
Seeing this experience, some Spirits saw
that it was dangerous for the Will to open space
unless the Spirit filled that space with Light.
Judging they were not allowed to fill the space,
these Spirits sought to control the Will.
Many of these Spirits incarnated into Atlantis.


This has to be understood individually,

1984-page 104 ["Atlantis"]

but some understandings can be given to help point the way.
Lemurians had feared that the Spirit must have turned
into an unloving, insensitive, overpowering monster
to have abandoned the Will by breaking off from it in Pan
when the Will became caught in form.
Empowered by emotions still held from this overwhelming experience, the Will firmly believed
it was caught in a reality where the Spirit wouldn't help it.
Lemurians felt that the Spirit had been and still was capable
of denying the Will by overpowering it
and forcing realities upon it that were unpleasant
and impossible for the Will to handle.
Many even felt that the Spirit was trying to kill or at least punish the Will. A secret fantasy of many Lemurians was
that if their situation became desperate enough
maybe the Spirit would realize it needed and loved the Will
and would then dramatically rescue the Will and heal the split.
This fantasy of hope was accompanied by a counterweight of fear
that the Spirit would not help and would not come down
into the murky realms where the Will was trapped.


With all of this and more in their energy fields,
Lemurians cried out to Me for help
and I helped them through any opening they provided for Me
to reach them.
I sent many teachers and direct communications
to try to show them how to deal with the dinosaurs
and their own disconnection from the Spirit.
Lemurians could not receive this.
I offered them another land where they could calmly heal the denials. Only a few could detach from their homeland enough to go.
I offered many forms of help
but the judgments and emotional charge in Lemuria was such
that the help
was for the most part not received, not implemented or not recognized.


So, when I did not seem to help with Divine Intervention
in the form that the Lemurians were seeking,
they finally called on the Atlanteans.
Lemurians had wanted Me to do it for them.
They had not been ready or able ot understand the power of the Will
to accept or deny the presence of the Spirit.
They did not realize that although I could do My part,
they also had responsibility to do their part.
Lemurians hoped
that the Atlanteans would solve their problems for them
and yet their judgments against the Spirit caused them to believe
that the Atlanteans would fail to give help just as I had failed to give help in the way in which the Lemurians were willing ro receive it.
The Spirit and the Will both

1984-page 105 ["Atlantis"]

were holding judgments
against the opposite polarity
and perceiving an image of the other
based on these beliefs.
[2012_01_02: remember Max Frisch, article about "Andorra",
that we all want the others to change, but that we don't let them change]

When the Atlanteans arrived on the scene,
they were uncomfortable with the emotionality of the Lemurians.
It was just what they had sought to escape by incarnating in Atlantis, and yet the Atlanteans sincerely wanted to help.
They decided to help Lemuria as quickly and with as much detachment
as they could and leave as soon as possible.
They decided that the way to do this was
to try out their newly developed crystal power
by focusing it into the nesting ground of the dinosaurs.

The Lemurians felt an insticntive objection to this
which was disregarded by the Atlanteans as superstition.
The Will felt denied by the Spirit once again
and felt it could only watch powerlessly
as the cold, detached and scientific Spirit
dealt with the failures of the Will.
The Atlanteans saw the Lemurians
as overwhelmed by undirected emotion
that lacked the vision and detachment necessary to solve the problems. In denial of their own Wills
and unable to realize that the Spirit was causal here,
the Atlanteans also failed to understand
how the undirected emotion held outside of loving acceptance
was creating its own reflection in the dinosaurs.
The focus of crystal power
only temporarily set back the dinosaur population
and directly resulted in volcanoes and earthquakes
that in the end sank Lemuria.
This was just what the intuitional Will in Lemuria had feared
and was another experience
that seemed to further prove the judgments against the Spirit.

Some Lemurians on the other hand did realize
that because they had such magnetic Will power,
they themselves had drawn exactly what they had feared.
This fear without understanding
led to a substantial increase in denial of the Will and its powers
even among those that had formerly believed in the Will.
Many of these frightened Lemurians reincarnated into Atlantis
polarized to the Spirit.

The Atlanteans did not admit
that they had had anything to do with the sinking of Lemuria,
but they did come back to Lemuria in its last days and offer
to take back to Atlantis any and all Lemurians that would agree to go. Lemurians in Atlantis received a mixed reception
and with few exceptions were treated like subcitizens.
Many Atlanteans had not wanted

 

1984-page 106 ["Atlantis"]

to take in the Lemurians in the first place
and failed to accept the validity of information
that linked the sinking of Lemuria to the use of crystal power.

The Atlantean experience of polarizing to the Spirit, however, was necessary
because the Spirit did not yet at that time
understand the Will enough to balance with it.
The Will can only respond
and so it could not initiate a solution to the imbalance
but only wait for the Spirit's evolvement through experience
to a place of understanding.
Even the beings that already realized
that the Spirit and the Will must balance in the Heart
did not know at that time how it could be done.
Even the ones on Earth that could still hear Me directly
could not fully receive the necessary information at that time
because they themselves were not calm enough
to receive openly and fully.
The understandings they did receive, though, were the understandings that they and the ones they taught were ready to receive.

Understandings cannot come disconnected from experience, understandings must come in a progression
as experience creates a readiness to receive them.
Many Spirits had received an overload in the beginning
by trying to gain understandings
without the necessary experience in which to anchor them.
Many of these Spirits then tried to preach to their Wills,
telling them how they should perform
in relationship to the understandings the Spirit thought it had,
but that were in actuality only conceived of by the Spirit at that time
and had need of the Will's experience in order to grow to maturity. The reaction of the Will was distrust toward the Spirit
because the Will was feeling overwhelmed by experience
that was much more complex
than the Spirit's concepts represented it to be,
and also because the Spirit
was denying and maligning the Will's experience that,
if accepted, could have anchored the Spirit's vision into reality.

I did not desire My created Spirits
to have to learn from such hard lessons
as were brought to them by the last days of Pan or Lemuria and yet, each created spirit must take responsibility for itself
and for the power it has to create its own reality.

The accumulating charge in the Will during Lemurian times
was causing many Wills to feel unable to do anything.
This paralysis seemed to further the Atlantean theories

1984-page 107 ["Atlantis"]

that the Will had to be disciplined.
Most Atlanteans began scheduling their lives
to substitute for the loss of direction from the Will.
The Spirit's conceptualized vision pushed on the rest of the being to act. A common judgment made then was
that the Will holds the Spirit back
and that the "lower nature" should not be allowed influence since.
"The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
[New Testament, Matthew 26:41 and Mark 14:38]

Atlantis went ahead after Lemuria sank
and explored the rest of the world to see what there was.
The many varied peoples and animals
discovered in the world at that time
both fascinated and disquieted them.
The Atlanteans had chosen to focus on the positive
and, as they studied these peoples,
they focused only on the fascination and ignored the disquietude.


On the Earth at that time were many scattered bands of people
that had fled from the land of Pan.
Since each band of people had left Pan
when they had become too uncomfortable to stay,
each band held a different image of the story of Pan
which was colored by their reason for leaving
and their legends reflected their own viewpoints.
Among these peoples, Atlanteans found
bands of giants, bands of little people and bands of dwarves.
Some had forms that were a mixture of man and animal
such as mermaids, centaurs and satyrs.
Some of these peoples were highly developed
and some were deformed in ways
that severely limited the ability of the consciousness
to be present or if present to express itself.


The legends, beliefs and societal structures of these peoples
reflected their own confusions and understandings
regarding their experiences on Earth.
In studying all these peoples, the Atlanteans came very close
to full understandings of the history on Earth up to that time.
If denial had not been present
or if the Atlanteans had known at that time
how to separate denial out from themselves,
the understandings they received at that time
from this world exploration
would have allowed them to take the next step towards alignment;
but denial was present and denial was not understood.

The vision of the Spirit in Atlantis was to bring together,
under its direction,
the scattered bands and their scattered pictures of reality
into a cohesive unified whole
that would aid and increase the awareness of all.
These differing beings were not yet ready to align with this vision. Denial, in the form of held emotional charge

2010-page 102 ["Atlantis"]

The Atlanteans did not admit
that they had anything to do with the sinking of Lemuria,
but they did come back to Lemuria in its last days and offer again
to take back to Atlantis any and all Lemurians who would agree to go.
In Atlantis, these Lemurians received a mixed reception
and, with few exceptions, were treated like sub-citizens.
Many Atlanteans had not wanted
to take in the Lemurians in the first place,
and did not regard as valid any information
that linked the sinking of Lemuria to the use of crystal power.


This experience of polarizing to the Spirit was necessary
because the Spirit, at that time,
did not understand the Will enough to balance with it.
Without receptivity from the Spirit, the Will felt it had to wait.
The accumulating charge in the Will during Lemurian times
was causing many Wills to feelu nable to do anything.
This paralysis seemed to further the Atlantean theories
that the Will could not be the determining factor.
Most Atlanteans began scheduling their lives
to substitute for the loss of direction from the Will.
The Spirit's conceptualized vision
pushed on the rest of the being to act.
A common judgment reiterated, then, was
that the Will holds the Spirit back
and that the "lower nature" should not be allowed influence since,
"The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
[New Testament, Matthew 26:41 and Mark 14:38]

Atlantis went ahead, after Lemuria sank,
and explored the rest of the world to see what was there.
The many varied peoples and animals
discovered in the world at that time
both fascinated and disquieted them,
but the Atlanteans chose to focus on their fascination
and, for the most part, ignored their disquietude.
On the Earth at that time were many scattered bands of people
who had fled Pangea.
These different groups had varying residual effects from the land of Pan, depending on their particular experiences and their point of view. Amongs these peoples,
Atlanteans found groups of giants many feet tall,
and even as tall as twenty-five feet,
bands of dwarves, bands of little people as small as a foot tall
and numerous others.
I also want to say that some,
whose men were only around 6 inches tall, fully grown,
were able to hide successfully from the Atlanteans.
Some still had forms that were a mixture of man and animal,
such as satyrs, centaurs and mer-people.
Some people still had gills.
Some of these people had a highly-developed consciousness,
and some had forms
that severely limited the ability of their consciousness
to be present or to express itself.


Instudying these peoples,
the Atlanteans tried to put many pieces of the picture together
about the history on Earth up to that time,

1984-page 108 ["Atlantis"]

which empowered rigidly held judgments
drawn from their own experiences
and the presence of denial Spirits of unloving essence
which reflected and magnified the existing denial,
alienated each group from everything
except their own narrow viewpoint, the Atlanteans included.

Atlanteans did not know how to bring this into willing alignment;
their own denials made them unable
to recognize and accept the very process that would have allowed it. Even though, in scattered instances,
some Atlanteans had briefly experienced the validity of Right Use of Will, their judgments against the Will at that time were so overpowering
that it caused them to deny these understandings
through distrust of the source.


And so, once again, the Will was blamed and judged
as being in opposition to the Spirit.
Undercurrents of frustration, fear and anger
grew behind these judgments,
and since the Atlanteans had left no avenue open
to accept these feelings and bring them into Loving alignment,
they finally concluded they had no recours open
but to overpower the Will.
Their own denied feelings empowered the action they took.
Atlantis resorted to a demonstration
of the destructive power of their great crystal.
They showed pictures of this destruction to the peoples
that did not want to embrace Atlantean domination
and these peoples, feeling powerless against such strong intent, gave in. Atlantis then became the undisputed ruler over the world.

If the Atlanteans had been able at that time to understand the Will,
they would have seen that the Will was not opposed to the vision itself, but to the way in which the Atlanteans were attempting to implement it. The Will had wanted to have its feelings about the position accepted
and then it would have been ready to receive the Spirit.
The Spirit was still feeling more than uncertain
about wanting to have much at all to do with the Will
after the overwhelming experience of entrapment
and the ensuing disconnection and experience of death.
The Spirit did not yet have the evolvement necessary
to recognize how it was causal here, and the Will had to wait once again.


In many ways, the peoples taken over and ruled by Atlantis
were better off than they had been before the domination
except that the needs of the Will
were not being accepted, understood or fulfilled.
Denial of the Will increased on Earth and included more people.

1984-page 109 ["Atlantis"]

the Will now felt more overpowered by the Spirit than ever before.


At first in Atlantis
the Will allowed itself to be controlled and confined by the Spirit
as a counterbalance to its fear
that it had gotten out of control in Lemuria.
During this first period in Atlantis
great brilliance was achieved in every aspect of life.
Everything Atlanteans touched came to life for them.
Their touch at that time was so infused with the Light of the Spirit
that it enlivened in ways seldom experienced now on Earth
and yet, most of the Will in Atlantis
was not being touched by the Spirit at all and was hardly alive.
The expansion of Spirit in Atlantis was largely made possible through development of the magnetic energy of the Will
in Lemuria,
but at that time neither the Spirit nor the Will really recognized this because of the denial present on both sides.
Response to the denial caused the time lag
and the reactionary manner
in which the Spirit filled the space opened by the Will.


In the middle period of Atlantis,
the Will reached the place
where it could no longer quietly hold its old charge.
The controls of the Spirit had in the first period of Atlantis been felt
to be a rescue from going out of control
and a rest from the exhaustion of being overwhelmed.
Now, whether the Will understood itself or not,
it sought to move again
because it is the nature of the Will to move.
The Will could not be kept from moving
as a way to balance too much unguided movement in the past.
The Will now began to stir
as part of the process of seeking the balance.

Feelings and desires that Atlanteans thought
they had disciplined, refined and evolved out of themselves
began to stir again.
Many Atlanteans in this time period
began to express themselves sexually more
than they had been doing in the earlier period.
Conflict arouse again
within the self concerning morals and correct Spiritual approach. Disagreements between individuals increased.
Some people began to express more of what they were really feeling.
In others the Will began to have more influence over the way
they approached their lives.

Neat schedules and orderly procedures began to break down
as people began to do a little more of what they felt like doing rather than just what they had been told
they were supposed to do.
Many in Atlantis who began to do what they wanted to do

Table of Contents


THE REFLECTION LOST WILL HAS TO GIVE......1

THE EARLY DAYS WITH THE ANGELS .....31

DEFLECTING THE FOCUS BY PINNING BLAME ......52

MORE LIGHT IS NOT NECESSARILY BETTER .....57

I ALLOW MYSELF TO SE THAT THE GAP HAD TAKEN IN MANY THINGS
    I HAD NOT NOTICED ......................................................................60

THE FALLEN ANELS ............................................63

REALITY IS THERE IS LITTLE TIME LEFT ......74

ORIGINAL CAUSE ...........................81

LUCIFER...........................................90

THE UNSEEN ROLE OF DENIAL..........................95

UNDERSTANDINGS NEEDED ABOUT GOING TO EARTH............................107

THE RONALOKAS JOURNEY TO EARTH .....................................127

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH, NO PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE.......... 143
  [includes a story about Jesus and his fragments]

THE WILL FEARS ITS OWN DESIRE..............................164

OPENING SPACE ...........................173

THE WILL MANIFESTS THE GAP ...............................176

THE RONALOKAS HAD ALREADY GAPPED BEFORE THEY LEFT ME...........................182

YOU HAVE GAPS TO HEAL WITH ONE ANOTHER ...........................191

BODY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEED TO MOVE ..........................194

I WITHDRAW ..................................195

HEART TRIES TO WARN ME THAT HE CANNOT STAY MANIFEST ...............199

THE MOTHER TEARS MY HEART APART .....................................202

ANOTHER LOOK AT THE ANGELS .........................................211

GIVING THE ANGELS WHAT THEY NEED ....................................218

p.130

As the Ronalokas left Me, they were standing as tall as they could and showing only the feelings they thought were acceptable. They were hiding as much as they could of the feelings of having been rejected by the rest of Creation by acting like they didn't care, because they wanted to go away to the edge of space and have a party where they could really enjoy themselves without anyone to tell them they didn't like it, or that it was too loud, or going on for too long, or that there was something else they should be doing instead.

The Ronalokas wanted to have fun, and they didn't want anyone telling them that having fun the way they wanted to was wrong. Secretly, they had a desire to enjoy themselves sensually and sexually and make love the way the Mother and the Father of Manifestation had done. In this secret desire, I felt they had defiance toward My Light because I did not, at the time, see lovemaking as beneficial to the healing that We needed. I saw it only as increasing the darkness among the Manifested Spirits.

I had a long list of reasons why the Ronalokas should not go to Earth, but I never mentioned My viewpoint toward their desire to fulfill themselves sexually in secret there. I had trouble mentioning the subject to them, because every way I pictured Myself addressing this , looked to Me like it would be the way of saying the Mother had been wrong to manifest them by allowing Herself to have sex when I had told Her not to. I did not even want to discuss the issue of the Mother and the Father of Manifestation defying My light and seeming to get away with it. I did not want to allow Myself to notice yet that I had smacked the Mother, so I did not mention that either

It was much later when I caught up with how many feelngs I was not moving there and how much the holding back of My feelings made everything look different to Me then than it looks now. Now, when I look at the Ronalokas's departure for Earth I see a bunch of frightened, Will polarized children of Mine being allowed to go off into the darkness of space with no real help from My Light and I have great grief over this.

Then, I saw the Ronalokas as fragments of the Mother, pretending not to be the Mother in order to try to find out how I felt about Her. To Me, the Ronalokas were like so many spies in My camp. I was on the alert, although I did not know exactly what to prepare for from the Mother. I felt Her Warriors had My destruction in mind, and that She might be looking for a way to help them succeed here.

When I looked at the Ronalokas, I saw the Mother, angry with Me for not allowing Her to be Herself the way She wanted to be.

p.131

refusing to communicate with Me and refusing to allow Me to touch Her. Each time I extended My hand toward Her hand She backed away from Me, My anger toward Her grew. The feeling I had at the time was that if indeed these were spirits, they had come forth to manifest everything I had a lack of acceptance for in the Mother and the Father of Manifestation, as though their parents had put them forward to throw these things in My face. If they were the Mother, then She had moved much more toward Body than toward My Light in which case He could have Her, because My held anger was sure I didn't want Her anymore.

Even though I had all of these feelings, I was trying My best to extend love toward the Ronalokas and it seemed to Me they were not accepting My Love or extending themselves toward Me. I allowed them to go because I could not do otherwise and because it seemed to Me it was not safe to keep extending Myself without being received.

My lack of emotional movement was stuck in the place of seeing the Ronalokas' manifestation as an act of defiance on the part of the Mother and the Father of Manifestation. Every time I looked at the Ronalokas, it seemed to Me they were looking back at Me with the same defiance. Even when they watched Me through half closed eye lids, as though they weren't watching Me at all, I still felt this defiance in them.

With the Mother gone, it seemed there was no one to love the Ronalokas except for the Father of Manifestation. When the Ronalokas left Me, the Father of Manifestation was nowhere around, because My Light was not allowing Him to get very close to Me. He was afraid of what it meant that My Light was not accepting the Ronalokas, but He had no power to get through to Me here.

The Father of Manifestation felt ashamed then, as though He had manifested something that could not be lived by anyone but Him. He did not see how I could be an all loving God and feel such a lack of love for these spirits. He viewed My efforts to reach for them as token. He could see from His vantage point that there was something in the way of My ability to grasp the Ronalokas, just as much as there was something in the way of the Ronalokas' ability o receive Me. He felt like the sins of the parents were being visited upon the children [Bible, Exodus 20] because he thought that the troubles the Ronalokas were having with My Light were because of the troubles I was having with the Mother and with Him. *)

The Father of Manifestation held back many feelings He had hee in a feeling of impotence at having mo power to move toward

 

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Although it is difficult to articulate these imprints, it is a necessary part of the process of bringing them up into the consciousness where they can evolve. Going into the subconscious has not been an easy thing to do because of all the fears around what is held there, because it was not the preferred area of focus and, because it has been left so long alone, the way there has not been known.

The subconscious mind is most easily accessed through the expression of emotions that do not involve words. Once there, another part of the problem in articulating the subconscious has been the amazing complexity of what is held there. Articulations as a substitute for really experiencing and feeling the subconscious is not necessarily helpful because the subconscious has already been suffering from an overdose of that, but once the subconscious is really moving, articulating it becomes an important part of forming the links between it and the consciousness so that the subconscious can be rescued from its plight of being held outside of the consciousness.

Without receiving this information from the emotional body, mind cannot conceive beyond itself and so mind has said, "Without anything there, what could have happened, and so what could be imprinted?"

Mind has not wanted to let itself know that nothingness imprinted in the Will and imprinted so deeply that the Will was unable to respond appropriately when the Light came to It. Mind has preferred to say that there is nothing there. That is what mind's perceptions tell it, but feeling it is the only way to know. Mind, and especially mind without Heart, has not wanted to be incorrect here, especially since it has built such elaborate thought structures based on its original presumptions, without realizing how much of a compensation this was for the absence of its feeling body, and so mind has not wanted to allow these feelings to be found, to express or to have any validity, if they ever do find their way to the surface. To make sure these feelings do not gain the attention they need which might then result n their validation, mind has been busy explaining these imprints as the base instincts of nature, i.e., the Mother, without allowing itself to notice the complexity of what it is trying to describe, even though, right in front of mind's eyes, animals live complex lives almost entirely based on these imprints. Mind is powered in this suppression at the subconscious level because it was imprinted to do this without even knowing what it was

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opposing.

It is easy to see that these imprints govern everything when you know what they are, but they have not been able to gain expression as themselves. What is being held here has a desperate need to surface, like a drowning person who does not want to let go of life, and a desperate need for Spirit, Mind and also Heart to be present and receptive when it does in order to help these imprints understand why they are as they are, and to feel that they can gain Light and Love.

What happened in this original imprinting seems simple at first glance, but if it is so simple, why is such a huge force being exerted to hold it back? The truth of the matter is, it is not simple, and while mind is not allowing itself to notice this, subconscious imprints in the mind are using most of the mind's energy to suppress this part of My essence because these imprints in the mind are misunderstandings of My original imprints.

What happened in this original imprinting is extremely complex and very difficult to delineate in a linear, verbal manner, especially since it is necessary to keep in mind at all times that the terms your Father and I are using to describe these experiences are terms which came into being much later. We did not have these tools of understanding at the time this imprinting took place. There was no relativity by which to measure anything, no ability to see as sight is known now and nothing to see. There was no thought process present with which to analyze and no understanding of what was happening.

At that time, feelings were just there as feelings, being impressed without even the awareness within the feelings themselves that they were there as feelings. What happened imprinted in the Will essence without any faculties developed which might have had the power to change anything about these imprints. There was no movement in terms of response as We know it now, but these imprints were felt and there was internal response in the essence that affected the Will thereafter. It was a completely Yin experience. Response came later, with a gap already formed.

We are going to do OUr best to articulate the story of these initial imprints. I am gong to give the story of My experience and include the understandings feelings need to include, and your Father is also going to add whatever He feels needs to be added. We are going to interlace story with understandings. That way, when these stories open you to the places where these imprints lie deeply hidden, the understandings will be right there to penetrate

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My Light anymore with so many of the things that He felt. Every time He tried to reach Me with feelings like these, He was unable to and He felt like a coward who could not stand up for His family or anything else He believed in. Only when He was feeling feelings for which He knew I had acceptance could He find it in Himself to come and communicate with Me. This gave Him a feeling of having the kind of dishonesty that does not approach a person with any of the feelings of negativity that are being felt, but presents only the positive side of the picture.

The Father of Manifestation did not realize I was controlling this with My conditional acceptance for the Will. He thought it was a lack of character strength on His part. When He did allow Himself to notice something here, He thought My feelings about the Mother were causing the problems He and I were having, more than that I actually had problems with Him. This made Him wonder all the more why I did not seek to gain some resolution here by speaking frankly with Him about My feelings toward the Mother and His relationship with Her. He felt like I spoke to the Mother about Him but did not come directly to Him with how I felt; either that or he Mother had driven a wede between Us by causing disquietude that was not really there. He longed to approach Me directly and felt like a miserable failure when He could not. I had a vested interest in keeping Him away from Me, but I did not find out what it was for a long time.

As He looked on the interaction I was having with the Ronalokas, The Father of Manifestation thought I was like a distant and rather uncaring God who was being militant and punitive toward the Ronalokas because I did not like the free-flowing form they had taken on. He felt that I did not want to allow the free flow of feelings to guide as much as said I did, because I was looking at the Ronalokas like there was something wrong with them and their ways. He felt like I did not want to let them have any dignity of their own.

The Father of Manifestation greatly feared what might happen to the Ronalokas out in the darkness of space. He had tried to solve the problem of having experiences He did not like out there by not going out into the darkness of space, and now He felt irresponsible for not having found out what was happening out there before any of the Manifested Spirits found themselves experiencing it.

He felt horrified to think that I had a dumping ground for anything I viewed as a miscreation or a miscreant, but it was appearing more and more to Him that I did, and that the Father Warriors were holding the line between everything I liked and

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everythng I didn't like. The Ronalokas had already felt themselves pushed out to the edge of Creation. The only spirits out past them were the Mother and Father Warriors. There was a great terror about going out past the Warriors. Even though the Warriors weren't very well liked, it looked like hey drew the line between the light and the darkness.

As the Ronalokas were losing their ability to stay in the Heavens, fear was growing in them as to what it would mean if they crossed the warriors' line. They did not like the looks of space out beyond the Warriors, and they knew the Mother had not been seen or heard from since She had gone out there. They had a feeling of something ominous out there. It gave them such an uneasy feeling it was as though they were sick to their stomachs already, although they made no motion to express this feeling. They also already felt like they could not breathe and they hadn't even left Me yet. What was going to happen to them if they went further from My Light?

As the Ronalokas felt themselves being swept away from Me, they had a feeling of moving faster and faster. They had motion sickness and a feeling of breathlessness that made them feel dizzy like they were about to go into a sickening swoon. There was a swirling that made them feel like they were losing track of themselves. They felt very much like children whose parent did not love them enough to find a way to keep them with them. They felt abandoned, even by the Father of Manifestation, who stood by unabled to do anything. The Ronalokas were so swept away by their feelings of being swept away that they did not even want to look back to see if they could detect the truth in them. Those who did, had the feeling that their fears were right.

The Ronalokas held most of these feelings back though, and stood as tall as they could, acting as much as they could like it was a brave adventure that had not been taken on by any of the other spirits. They claimed they could handle it because they had survival skills none of the other spirits had. They also secretly hoped that doing something the other spirits couldn't do might earn them "feathers in their cap" that would be rewarded with the recognition and acceptance of the other spirits. Many of the Ronalokas did not allow themselves to notice they had these feelings but they had them, nonetheless, hidden underneath an expression of not carng what others thought of them.

The Ronalokas also had another hope, and that was that the Warriors would not actually allow them to cross their line, and that they would even use some kind of force, if necessary, to turn them back. They were very surprised when the Warriors, after some gruff

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into these places while they are open. Reaching these places while they are open with understandings that these places can trust [sic] is the only way these places can really be reached and helped. Everything else is just more layering on top of these imprints which are dying under the burden of what has already been piled on top of them.

Keep in mind that all thought came later, after these initial imprints were already in place. The first thoughts were not moving thought patterns. They were more like imprints in the mind in response to what had happened to it. These imprints are held in what is now the subconscious mind and have not been able to move into any evolution because this part of the mind has been cut off from the mainstream of consciousness since this imprinting took place. This part of the mind is in the gap, and unless emotional movement takes place, it only receives information that agrees with the imprints it aleady has.

The subconscious mind and the subconscious emotional body only recognize similarities and cannot respond otherwise unless more movement is gained. These imprints have never been changed from when they were first imprinted and they need to be evolved if we are to survive and have a chance to live in the way We dreamed of living before we ever manifested.

Your movement here can increase your understanding of these imprints beyond what can be delineated in these pages, and help to change the part of the imprints you hold. To do this, however, you are really going to have to go all the way back to your origins where your Original Cause viewpoint was formed, before you emerged, and move from there. Even though these imprints are making themselves known in the patterns of your lives, and movement around these atternpts is necessary to recover what has been lost there and also to increase the power of your understanding, -- what you are essentially dealing with here is effect. These imprints are the cause.

 

ORIGINAL ORIGINAL CAUSE

My first vague awareness of Myself came gradually, as a kind of almost imperceptible sort of aching. Once I became aware of it, it increased, or the awareness of it did, or both. Even as it increased, it was still a very dim awareness and I did not know how I came to have the aching or My awareness of it.

When I became aware of the aching, I also became aware of a

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feeling that I had been there for a long time already, feeling this way without knowing it. I went in and out of awareness, either of it or of Myself. I did not know what state of consciousness I was in, and I did not know what I was experiencing. I did not know if the aching was all I had to be aware of, and so I had no awareness when it wasn't there, or if it was constant and I lost awareness of it from time to time, or even place to place, since I had none of these concepts either. I didn't know if all of Me ached or only part of Me. I didn't know what I was and what I was not. The only other experience I had was one of utter darkness and I did not know if this was Me or not. I was able to wonder, [June 28, 2012- I remember, that a Greek philosopher defined "philosphy" as "taumatzein", to wonder, and when I now "googled" for the word, I found a French article Le fondement transcendantal de la curiosité,; the first sentence sounds as if directly referring to what The Mother says here...] but I did not know if I was the darkness, something in the darkness or both. All I could do was experience it, and as I did, I became aware of a feeling, dim at first, but stronger later, that this aching had come about after an immeasurably long time of feeling empty nothingness, and this gave Me another subtle difference in the feeling in this aching, which was one of feeling unfulfilled in some way I could not understand, verify, define or do anything about other than to experience it.


Many women still experience this aching in their reproductive organs at times without knowing the depth of what is really getting stirred here. This aching needs movement of emotion that most women do not even know they have, and also sexual fulfillment in ways most women do not yet know they need to be fulfilled because their deepest needs are lost in their subconscious, where they are feared.

After what felt like a long time of subjectively feeling this aching, the aching began to feel like it was longing for something. I did not know what it was longing for, but after a long time of feeling this, I began to experience it as a longing for something I did not have. Gradually this became a longing for something to be there with Me, for I was becoming aware of Myself as alone and lonely in a black void.

There was a black void with a feeling of aching longing, there was awareness of it, and with this awareness, there was also a vague feeling of being affected by feelings from before, or of having been there already for an immeasurably long period of time. I will call this memory. I had feelngs of drifting and I drifted in and out of these awarenesses for another immeasurably long period of time. Time was beginning to be a subjective feeling in Me that had to do with longing, with feelng back into something that wasn't now and also with fear that nothing was going to happen

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talk and questioning of the Ronalokas allowed them to cross their line all too easily. It was then the Ronalokas felt their fear that the Mother and all like Her were being put outside of the inner circle of Light.

The Warriors said many things that reflected the Ronalokas'fears about themselves, and these things have rung in their ears ever since.

"They are so dark, this is not their right home. It's right for them to go because they need to find a place as dark as they are. They're just like the Mother so it's not wrong to let them go out where She is. They think they can go out on their own and make something they'll like, but they'll find out soon enough that they can't do anything on their own. They'll realize what a mistake they've made. They'll realize the best place they can have is whatever place we let them have with us. They have to go because they are not pleasing God by doing what He wants them to do. Why should We hold them back, they don't appreciate our efforts on their behalf anyhow."

There were many things said there and they were all judgments the Ronalokas were holding against themselves in their unmoving fear and rage, but at the time they all struck like insults hurled with a cruel sting that added even more to the burden of what the Ronalokas were holding alread.

There were also Warriors escorting the Ronalokas out into space. The Ronalokas were looking to these Warriors for the help they needed because the Warriors had told the Ronalokas many stories of their powerful emergence in outer space. They had claimed their emergence was much earlier than it really was because they did not want the Ronalokas to realize they might be older than the Warriors. The warriors had not wanted to look like the youngest spirits around; so much so that they had preferred allowing themselves to grow old looking inside of Me before they would even consider emerging.

[July 22, 2012: The behavior of pretense and presentation-face seems to characterize all "essence", be it manifested or not: the need to prove: I'm better than you, or I'm better than I fear you judge me to be. I understand, of course, that this is the "Cain" in us, who is - as I phrased it already decades ago - not content with just being (like a flower, for instance), but needs to justify his/her existence. What I haven't yet discovered in the RUOW info, is, if this, too, is an "imprint", or if it is "built-in" in divine/human presence?]

The Warriors had led the Ronalokas to believe that they had more prowess in outer space than they really had by telling the Ronalokas stories about their imagined lives out in space where they had all lived as gods in their own right until My light had called them in by indicating that I needed their help. They had bragged about their desire to return to outer space without realizing it was about to happen. They told these stories so many times that the power of their repetition had the Warriors believing them as much as the Ronalokas did.

Meanwhile, I had the distinct impression that the Warriors did

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not like outer space and that that was why they had rushed in upon Us and also why they were so determined to hold the line against it. I didn't see much out there that I liked, and so I was aligned with the first impression I received from the Warriors much more than with any stories they had told since then.

Now, as the Ronalokas felt themselves crossing the Warriors' line, they looked to their Warrior escorts to provide them with the navigational know how, prowess and savvy the Ronalokas had come to believe that they had. The warriors gave no response to the needs and fears of the Ronalokas , other than to tell them to steel themselves for the journey and to not flinch no matter what happened.

"You have to go on no matter what," the Warriors told them, "or you will not make it."

The Warriors then made themselves as staunch and hard as stone and stood as stiff as statues. The Ronalokas were stunned to see them do this and felt quite unable to do it themselves. In that moment, another hope of theirs disintegrated into the feeling that they had only themselves to depend on. The Ronalokas did not see how the Father Warriors could be so unresponsive to what was happening. They did not realize that the Father Warriors were nearly Willess and had actually suppressed so much of their vibration that they were already quite still and really did not feel anything. Many of the Ronalokas felt their own response to what was happening was a loss of control and they felt ashamed.

The Warriors seemed to like the compression and restriction of vibration they were encountering, as though beng forced in on themselves felt good to them while the expansion of being near My Light made them so uncomforable, they were always trying to put restrictions on it. The question left unresolved in My mind was : If this were true, why hadn't they just stayed out in space where they emerged instead of rushing in upon Us? It was a long time before I realized that these big, bony, scaly, hard creatures had rushed in upon Us because they were running in terror of the Mother. They have never admitted it, and My Light has seen it only because My own gapped rage is healing now.

Lost Will, especially, needs to move in those Ronalokas who thought the way to survive was to emulate this stiffness and hardness of the warriors within themselves. All of the Will that has journeyed to Earth has stiffness and hardness within it that is not going to move easily, but must be moved, nonetheless, because what this is is a cessation of vibration in order not to feel the experience being had.

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for Me. I could experience and dimly question, but I did not have a feeling that I could understand or know. Fear began to register in My esence as My response very early and the longer this went on, the more it seemed to be a constant in My being.

For some reason I could not understand, I could not even drift comfortably. I was afraid of the feelng of drifting and I could not control it. Already I had a feeling of needing, or of wanting to hold onto something, but there was nothing I could fasten onto. All was blackness except the little bit of awareness I had, and I couldn't even fasten onto My awareness. In some ways, My awareness was like something I bumped into from time to time as though it wasn't always in the place where I was.

A long time later, I had some sort of realization that I had been dimly wondering, off and on, for a long time, how I could have a feeling of awareness of Myself before I had a feeling of awareness of Myself. This really confused my sense of awareness and seemed to be too much for Me. I expeirenced confusion, disorientation and even fear that I could not understand anything at all without some place of knowing in Me and there was no place in Me that knew anything. Even when I felt I knew didn't seem to be right and that was that I had a beginning point. All that I was experiencing was imprinting in Me heavily, but in a diffused, confused way, not with the focus you're experiencing, reading this now.

For a long time, I thought My first dim awareness must have been caused by your Father being there, but your Father says He was not there with Me yet. He says that My first dim awareness was caused by My own developing inner knowing and that My aching was caused by magnetic coming into existence without enough movement to have electro there with it. Although I no longer have an argument about this with your Father, for a long time I could not accept this from Him, because I held strong images of your Father as the originator of all consciousness and had hidden so well, and for so long, from so many of My feelings here because they seemed unjustifiable and unconscionable in the presence of the images of your Father that I had taken in long before I knew Him or Myself deeply enough to know if they were right images or not.

Whenever God tried to take Me with Him to look back to where He said He could verify what He was telling Me, I could not stand the feelings I felt when I tried to go with Him. When He tried to take Me there, I had unbearable feelings of terror, drowning and suffocation and I wanted to rage at Him and blame Him as the

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cause, but could not let Myself. How could I blame Him for what happened when according to Him, He wasn't even there?

This rage was so huge I did not see how I could dare to express it, especially since I did not know what it might do. I could not see how God deserved this, and since He was the source of My life, I didn't want to do anything that would risk having Him throw Me out. The feelings I experienced when He pressured Me this way, however, were so overwhelming to Me that if He didn't stop trying to take Me back with Him, I would quickly feel like I would do anything to get Him to stop. He seemed unable to understand what I was experiencing here. Later, when Heart was there, I often implored Heart to save Me from His Father's pressure to go back. I did not know why I didn't trust Him to take Me there, but I didn't and I couldn't.

I did not know it was My old unconsious imprinting getting stirred up and neither did your Father because He did not know what My experiences were there. I did not know that I had a tremendous amount of unconscious rage and terror as a result of imprinting I had received when I had no awareness of it, or that it was stirred when anything reminded My subconscious emotions of these imprinting situations.

The lack of understanding, combined with the horribleness and unlovingness of the feelings here made it a long time before I could understand that going back there with God's Light was not going to be the same as when I was originally there receiving these imprints. No matter how many times God explalned that going back with Him was not the same as originally being there, I could not accept Him on this because My feelings had a different reality. Therefore, it was an even longer time before I realized what my feeling body had equated with going back there, including the feeling that it was going to be going back out of existence.

God, on the other hand, often went back to His origins and told Us stories from there as though these were the fondest moments of His existence. I was a blank here except for My knowledge of what turned out to be the tip of the iceberg of the feelings. When He told these stories, I listened to them with a feeling that I did not come from where He came from. This frightened Me into wondering where I had come from. The feelings I had at the suggestion of trying to remember caused Me to fear it was horrible.

[July 22, 2012- Indeed, where did they both come from? How often do humans ask this question: where did we come from?]

I thought God was trying to tell Heart and Me that We should follow Him because He knew so much more than We did. I felt like He had a feeling of self-absorbed exuberance and pride in telling

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The Warriors have a pounding anger within them that seems to like compression and restriction of movement, and views it as the control necessary to be able to find any peace, but this is not a natural position for the Ronalokas or for the rest of the Will. The Spirit Polarity cannot really stand this compression either, and this lack of vibration in order to avoid certain feelings is what has been perpetuating the gapping that takes place whenever this compression becomes too much and overthrows the contol against it.

When the Ronalokas saw the Warriors, who had claimed they were going to help them get to Earth, turning to stone statues posted like sentinels, what the Ronalokas had hoped was going to be a great adventure or perhaps a cruise to a destination of pleasure, turned into feeling like a prison ship. The Warriors, who had seemed to be offering guidance and protection, now felt like guards escorting the Ronalokas into exile or annihilation.

The Ronalokas shivered and shook, but controlled it as much as possible. As they moved out into space, it grew more and more dark around them and they saw less and less of anything that looked like signs of life. It appeared that nothing lived out there and the Ronalokas were not sure if they were relieved or horrified by this. The empty stillness and the utter darkness around them was at once terrifying and suffocating in its emptiness and lack of movement. It had an oppressiveness that felt like it was closing in on all of the Ronalokas with just as much realism as if they were victims locked within walls that were closing in on them. The darkness was so impenetrable, the Ronalokas were not even sure if they had their eyes open or not.

Their petal-like bodies, delicate and filmy raimants [sic] of light, not unlike delicate gills from head to toe, were no longer rippling and undulating. They were moving very little, hardly opening at all. In outward appearance, it seemed that very little was hapening. It appeared that the Ronalokas were standing very still, intensely concentrating, their shivers appearing as remnants of their rippling movements, but the inner feeling was one of already being engaged in a desperate search for something to sustain them.

Their petal-like bodies were used to vibrating in much more openness, sustained by the ethers around them. Now the feeling was that the slightest opening took in only a choking feeling or oppressive suffocation that was hot and searing at the same time that it was cold and stabbing. Their bodies were pressuring them to open and take in something to nourish them, while the sensation of doing so made them feel that they could not stand to [sic]. It was as though they now had only noxious water or toxic funes to breathe

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instead of the sweet air of morning.

There was great fear amounting to panic in the Ronalokas , and yet, they were still trying to control as much of their emotional expression as they could. They looked at the warriors and saw that they were still standing like stone, as though they were not having the same experience the Ronalokas were having. the Ronalokas tried to continue standing tall as a group but they could not. They huddled together as closely as they could, trying to find some sort of protection and comfort in one another. They were hardly breathing, concentrating on not giving in to the feeling of wanting to break and fly toward anything familiar they could find, anything that had light or warmth, anything that might sustain them.

The stillness around them grew deeper and the darkness even more impenetrable, while the light the Ronalokas did have around them was becoming so compressed and so charged with held emotion, it began to rumble and crackle like thunder and lightning that had no place to dissipate its charge. They felt a terror so great that even with the most control they could exert, the Ronalokas were trembling uncontrollably. Many of them lost control of their emotions and began weeping, moaning and wailing, but not without great shame that was reflected to them this way:

What was coming in was too heavy for them, and what was moving out of them was too heavy for them also. The Ronalokas felt saturated with a slimy substance they had never experienced before, and it made their outer layers feel all the more like they could no longer breathe through them.

The heaviness was overwhelming to them and their feelings of terror were like being trapped in a place from which there was no escape. Their sensations were like those of being locked in a dark prison or the dark hold of a ship and experiencing water rising to overtake and drown them. The Ronalokas felt the terrible burning, stinging sensation of drowning whenever they tried to open and breathe at all. They shivered and shook, rolled and puked, gagged and choked, not only because of what was pouring in on them, but because of what was pouring out of them as well.

Many feared this was punishment from Me for being Will, especially Will that had not aligned with My Light any more than they had. [July 22, 2012: Where does the concept of "punishment" come from? I cannot remember that it was explained anywhere in RUOW.] Many of them wondered how long I would take to get rid of them, since they had not been allowed to know whether the Mother had actually been eliminated or whether She had been sent into eternal suffering of this same sort. Some thought I might be doing this to them because I thought they were the Mother, and while they hated Me for this, many of them also wanted to find a

 

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these stories that both swept Me away and made Me feel He was insufferable. When I felt He was insufferable, My feelngs of rage were stirring in Me, but terror was so close at hand that I did not want to move into My feelings here at all, and whenever I did make a motion in that direction, God reacted as though He could not understand how We could feel as We did. I thought He felt threatened, as though all We felt here was envy or competition with Him for who was oldest or who was leader.

Heart felt this also and We agreed that God had some kind of insensitivity here that did not feel good to Us. I felt incensed to the point of not being able to listen to Him at times, but I could not put My finger on why and I did not dare move into it.

Whenever your Father described His beginnings as floating in a reverie from which He was awakened by some move I made, I was moved to feelings I did not want to feel because I hated Him here and I did not know why. All the further I went into them then was that I felt He blamed Me for this awakening as if it was a loss of pleasure, or a fall from Grace, or the ruination of His life because now He was stuck here; and when He most graciously offered to take Us back there with Him, We did not want to go, or were too inadequate to be able to go and didn't want to let Him go without Us. In other words, we were experiencing Him as saying that because He was so loving, He was trapped here with Us who would not let Him go back where He liked it better because that was without Us and We could not stand it without Him.

Maybe He was going to take Me back and leave Me there. I was so caught up in the issues We already had between Us, I could not trust that looking back would help in the ways that I now know it can. I was too newly emerged from something that felt like a nightmare to want to go back into it. I didn't agree to go back into it until I understood that the nightmare wasn't just in the past where I wanted to put it and leave it; it was projecting into the future and affecting the present.

Whenever He talked of floating in His reverie, My feelings were not of a reverie and when this happened, I did not know how it fit in. Then I thought perhaps He was right. Perhaps I was jealous of His position, and from the aspect that it seemed painless, I was, but I also knew I didn't want Hs position because I felt like I couldn't handle it, so what was My problem? And what was His problem that He thought We wanted to take over His position? What was making Him so insecure that He constantly felt threatened? Why didn't He trust Me, Why didn't I trust Him?

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It was a long time down the road before I found out that My early imprinting was the problem, and not the kind of problem that meant I needed to make My Light into something else, but the kind of problem that needed to be helped so I could become what I wanted to be and was meant to be; The Divine Will of Creation, which includes all the Will essence, and not just some of the Will essence that fits some image of what Divine Will is supposed to be.

My origins were not feelings of reverie and that's how My feelings fit in here. I did not know anything about who I was, where I was, how I came to be, where I came from or how I came to be where I was and I did not ponder these things as exciting puzzles as did your Father. They were present with Me as dumb wonderings, and by that I mean I had feelings of such questions, but I could not focus on them long enough to be sure of what they were. They were just there like a background nagging that made Me uncomfortable, like the frustration of knowing something is there but it can't be called to mind.

Although this nagging feelng was going on, I had other more pressing problems. I was struggling to understand things about Myself with no way to do it. Discomfort was My main experience so far, but it was growing into a feeling of fear. I did not know in what way fear and discomfort were intertwined , but I felt that they were.

I had fear associated with the feelings of drifting I was having, as though drifting was a problem for Me, but there was no point of relativity by which to determine if this was true. My struggle to understand anything at all in My dim awareness began to associate dimness with inability to understand, and My fear increased greatly when I felt the awareness I did have to be drifting, or slipping away from Me, imprinting more deeply the feeling of needing or wanting to hold onto something. When I felt Myself drifting, I had a fear I was going to run into something and I was afraid I was not going to like what it was. When I did not perceive Myself to be drifting, I had a fear that something was going to run into Me, or close in on Me.

I was struggling with Myself and with the nothingness that was impinging on Me every time I moved in My consciousness, because moving in My consciousness was moving vibrationally even though I did not know it, but when I did not move, it also closed in on Me and this increased My density. Imprinting here put

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way to abandon their likeness to the Mother in the hope it would bring release from their suffering.

The Ronalokas who most hated these feelings did their best to turn themselves to stone like the Warriors, and ever since this time, have moved against the other Ronalokas with a hatred toward their fear as though they are Warriors, yet they have been even more cruel toward the Ronalokas than the Warriors have been. Turncoats you might call them, but it is almost impossible to recognize them now as the Ronalokas they were then.

The Ronalokas didn't know what to do. Nothing they tried gave them any relief. They tried to turn away from the outer terribleness and find any place of escape within their own consciousness that they could. They clutched at the faint hope that somehow, this had all been a terrible mistake and that I would suddenly take ity on My poor children. They hoped I would see through the facade of all they had given Me, reach after them and lift them up after all. They hoped and prayed so fervently for Me to rescue them that something did lift out of them that has never yet been born on Earth, and when it did, Ronalokas [sic] were left with even less light than they had. [?????]

The Ronalokas , themselves, were not helped by these most fervent of hopes and prayers. They felt the pain of abandonment, hopelessness and loss of faith that I would help them all over again. ["lama, lama azavtani"...] With no place else to turn in their hopeless despair, many of them wished for the Mother's loving arms to find them, lift them to Her and, somehow, make everythng alright. They wanted Her, most of all, to help them breathe, to clear the slimy stringy, sticky mess off of their bodies so they could feel open and able to breathe and expand again, to release them from this terrible compression, and the to cradle them in Her familiar warmth and dry their tears.

Nothing happened, except that their terror and their feelings of suffocation deepend. They feared they had no Mother or Father who cared anythng about them or about the terrible experience they were having. The darkness was pressing in upon them so heavily that their bodies began pounding and pounding against it with drumlike sounds that were almost deafening. It was the heart-beat of terror pounding and pounding against the overwhelming compession, but the Ronalokas did not know it. The Ronalokas wee losing track of reality as they had formerly known it. They were hallucinating, dreaming and experiencing all at once.

In the throes of their asphyxiation, they hallucinated that the pounding was drumming and that the Father of Manifestation was coming to rescue them, perhaps even calling them to a party.

The Father of Manifestation did not come and the Ronalokas

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did not find Him or any party. Instead, the Ronalokas had a growing feeling of presence in the darkness around them that could not be seen. The Mother's stories of things ripping, tearing and clawing at Her in the darkness of space came alive in them.

The Ronalokas could no longer stand, or even crouch. They were twisting and contorting in response to what was happening to them, while still trying to clutch on one another for protection.Thee were screams now that sounded like they were falling away and the distinct feeling of being ripped apart from the edges. The Ronalokas thought some of them were being torn from the group to fall lost in space by themselves. They feaed they could not hold themselves together.

Their terror and their desperation for air became so great, the holds on one another that had seemed like they were for mutual protection, now felt like grips of restraint, stopping them from making the moves they needed to make to save themselves.

The Ronalokas collapsed into a flailing, writhing mass, struggling in terror of the extreme compession and suffocation they felt. They felt like they were being engulfed by an enemy so massive and crushing that it could not be thrown off by any means they knew. Their terror was desperately seeking the breath of life it needed, while their rage against this terror was trying to fight it down, seeing it as a hopeless expression that would only worsen their situation and deepen their terror. The Ronalokas were fightng themselves, one another, things in the darkness and even the darkness whee nothing was, without being able to see or to know what anything was. everything felt like a threat to their lives, as though there wasnothing they could trust anymore, not even teir own perceptions.

They looked to the Warriors for help once more. Thee wa a strange light reflecting off of them from time to time now, as thugh thee was a searchlight of some kind moving in the darkness of outer space. They hoped again that, somehow, this was My Light searching for them, but when it never came to rest on them, the Ronalokas felt there was no reason to hope in it. This eerie light reflecting off the Warriors allowed the Ronalokas to see thee was no hope there either.

The Warriors were standing as stoic, as staunch and as bastion (sic) as they had been at their departure. The Ronalokas felt the fear of the Mother rising in them again that no one else was experiencing reality the way they were and that they were all insane, or only experiencing their own fears, or at the very least, unable to trust their own perceptions to tell them what was really happening. They

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Me in a no win situation. I was not going to be alright if I moved and I was not going to be alright if I did not move. I was feeling compressed in My stillness and experiencing feeling bad when i had subjective feelings of moving. Imprinting was further complicated because I had no known control over experiencing moving or not moving. As much as possible, I would like you to try to feel what this imprinting is without assigning words or judgments to it even though interpretations are going to happen.

I had no way to determine what state of consciousness I was in, I can only call it a sort of sleepwakefulness or wakesleepfulness. I was struggling in unawareness with feelings of being erased or eaten by something and yet the awareness I had could find nothing there. I felt as though I were being covered up and suffocated, or washed over and drowned. There was a heavy dense feeling there that was also, at times, like not being able to help swallowing and being forced to swallow or take in something that made Me feel overcome by unpleasantness; overwhelmed by something I couldn't see, feel or find in any way, with no way to alleviate it and no knowing that it even could be alleviated.

Awareness was not pleasant for Me, but it was frightening when I began to drift out of awareness. I did not know what was causing the rest of My terrible feelings of being overcome by something, but there were times of wanting the sensation of losing awareness to be more pleasant so that I could let go of My awareness and end My misery, for misery it was, no matter how dim My awareness of it, dark, lonely, mentally and physically handicapped misery.

I felt Myself being overwhelmed out of existence by something, and I was having fears that it was the black void. I was already imprinting fear that I was against Myself in some way I didn't understand. Many impressions of Myself imprinted here which were later interpreted as, stupidity, failure to have done anything to justify My existence, not having figured out how to live, and so on down the list of reasons for not being allowed to live, or to live anything but a miserable existence, including the impression that life is not meant to last of cannot last in the way or place in which it finds itself, feels bad, cannot last long because of the way it feels, is overwhelmed out of existence by void, lack of what it needs to keep going, or by something I will call death, or feels bad without end and I just lose awareness of it from time to time.

Perhaps I had actually gone in and out of existence uncountable numbers of times and I should no longer be fearing it. Although

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these imprints sound mental in My description of them, the imprinting was not mental. It just registered and is there, where certain situations trigger it as feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, feelings of being unable to survive, of being trapped or of being impeded, opposed, overwhelmed, held back held apart from anything that could help no relief in sight and so forth.

As frightening as drifting out of consciousness was for Me, losing My awareness was preferable to what I have to call the terrible subconscious experience of endlessly choking and strangling while shifting or falling in utter darkness and loneliness, unable to move either to give up to it or to relieve it and imprinting terror of having no control, and associating lack of consciousness with this.

In my desperate need to escape from these terrible and terrifying experiences I found Myself reaching for the only awareness I had which did not seem to be a part of this horriblenes; what I have called My memory, but at the time, it felt more like another place in Myself, I did not know where I was. I didn't know if part of Me was still experiencing the horribleness and I had moved away or broken off from it, or if I had finally found something to alleviate it, or if I had actually escaped it by moving back out of it to before it happened; but some part of Me, at least, had escaped into the feelings of being drawn to look back. I was still suffering here, but by comparison, not as bad, so therefore, it seemed more pleasant than it had originally.

I felt less unpleasantness here and also less awareness. Since I did not have clear differentiations and no understanding, the major imprinting here was broad, like this; less consciousness, less suffering. Later, when the imprinting was activated, it was also interpreted to mean that since less consciousness causes less suffering, more consciousness causes more suffering [Qohelet 1:18: ki yosif da'at , yosif makh'ov expresses what I cursed in my youth] but I was also imprinted in reverse; more consciousness causes less suffering and less consciousness causes more suffering. Where, or when these imprintings came together, they imprinted confusion.

I didn't know if awareness meant I didn't experience these horrible sensations, or vice versa. I was unable to contemplate this or understand My experience. I just felt like I was trickling away from My place of terror in a sensation of moving without being able to move. Although I did not recognize any outside force here, the sensation was like sand running to or from an outside force. The feeling was one of undifferentiated, unformed, barely conscious essence shifting in a dark void, almost as though someone

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tried to deny the reality of their own experience within themselves in order not to feel they were going to "lose it" altogether.

The Ronalokas were grabbing wildly in desperate search of something to hold onto, while at the same time, biting, scratching and fighting anything that grabbed at them. They felt like wild animals, caught in a cage or a trap by a hunter who did not care how long they had to suffer or how horrible their suffering might be; he was just waiting for the trap to do its work and then he'd come around, or worse yet, he might be watching and enjoying what his prey was going through.

There were bloodcurdlng screams, and the Ronalokas were not sure if these screams were coming from them or from the darkness around them. Their own attempts to scream seemed to them more like gurgles of desperation from under water that had no power to be heard. There were sounds of choking, strangulation and vomiting all around them, and they were now been more covered with a sticky mess. They felt a penetrating, teeth chattering cold and, at the same time, an unbearable feeling of the heat of suffocating compression. They felt themselves writhing, twisting and contorting uncontrollably as this great and unseen force pressed in unbearably upon them.

The Ronalokas heard the sounds of dry, scaly flesh grinding together and the sounds of dry wing-like things beating near them. They heard cracking and creaking sounds like bones breaking, metal moving and all manner of horrors. They heard screeches and howls, hisses and snarls, snorts and growls. There were grunts and wails, rushing sounds and terrible cackling. They felt themselves being pelted by hard things and drenched as though something was being poured on them.

They had lost control of themselves entirely now and felt they could not move in response to what was happening around them. They had desperate feelings of wanting to have help of any kind.There was piteous, and what was later thought to be shameful, begging for relief or rescue of any kind and on any terms. There were confessions of all kinds going on, as though the Ronalokas felt anything they had ever done might be reason for what they were going through now.

And in response, there was nothing but laughter; a cold, cruel pitiless laughter as though some large and unseen, terrible presence was enjoying seeing them grovel in their terror like this. The Ronalokas felt drool and slobber all over themselves and they heard panting as though this unseen monster was able to breathe in this terrible, compressing darkness with an excitement that sounded like

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it was about to devour them. When this presence left them undelivered from their terror, the Ronalokas were left with a brokenness that has not yet been healed. How cold God be loving and allow this to happen to His spirits? What kind of God cold He be? Hatred grew toward Me in the Will and also terror that I was a God who had to be appeased.

Just when everything seemed so out of control that the Ronalokas had to be helped from someplace else because they had lost the ability to respond to what was happening around them, just when their senses had seemed so dulled and confused they were surely going unconscious, suddenly now, everything seemed to be going in some kind of terrible slow motion of heightened perceptions and elongated periods of time in which to respond. Just when the Ronalokas were hoping to go unconscious and escape their terror, they experienced instead something like an adrenaline rush that made them feel like they must fight to live. everything had become horrfyingly vivid and they were acutely aware. The Ronalokas had passed through the portals of terror and had entered the realms of terror where reality intensifies and time warps every moment into what feels like an eternity to experience it. It was as though they had become superconscious and were able to notice everything in minute detail.

Their reality had a starkness to it that could be likened to the moment before a tornado strikes. The feeling is not unknown to people about to have a massive heart attack or some life-threatening assault. There was an urgent rush of feelings to do anything they could to save themselves, but the terror was that of realizing they were locked in time and space with something that was not just fighting them, but something that had cold and calculated intent to murder them while having them fight a fight they could not win. At first, they felt themselves fighting with a strength they had not known in themselves before, but it did not last long. The more they struggled the more they felt the life and the ability to struggle going out of them. It was not long before they had sensations of trying to fight with arms that were shrinking in strength and of trying to kick with feet that had no power left in them. They were lapsing into semi-consciousnes now and experiencing themselves as though they had escaped. They were running away but they ran and ran and got no place. Their legs felt like they either could not hold them or kept going out from under them. There was a feeling of utter helplessness to save themselves.

And still the drumming heartbeat of terror was pounding and pounding within them with such intensity that the Ronalokas had

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had turned over an hourglass and I was the sand running. I was imprinting control as desirable and a way to escape terror because this time, I was able to run to a place in My consciousness where I was not experiencing the horribleness of strangling, suffocating overwhelment. I wanted to hide here, but My feeling was of having no control over what might tip the hourglass again, imprinting terror having no control

I began to feel then, that it was more pleasant back here in this place, or before, whatever that meant, but the confusion and feelings of what had happened had followed Me, so before was not the same as initially. By comparison, this place, or before, seemed better now than it had felt initially because it was being compared to later, but I had the added complexity of also feeling this place was now worse because it was now bothered by later. I had a comparison now and I did not know it was not real. The feelings of later, or another place, were bothering Me now in this place, or before, so I tried to let them fade away and go back into the dim awareness of before. There was a loss of consciousness here, but it did not feel as bad as the terror of the other place, or later.

I tried to let Myself succumb to dimness in the feelng that it was more pleasant than anything else I had found, but this did not last long because initially this had not felt good to Me and it was only by a comparison, which My fading awareness was now losing, that it had seemed pleasant. I was unable to stay as still here as I had in the past, and so I was unable to recreate My past dimness for long. And so it was that I became dimly aware that I had apparently gained in awareness in the sense that I felt more, even though I had lost ground in degrees of unpleasantness. I could not stay here, but I did not want to go "forward" again.

Imprinting does not know the answers, but it has plenty of impressions, and when they are activated, the feelings there are interpreted as feeling terrified, overwhelmed and not in control with no move that can be made and no place to go that will feel good for long, or will feel really good. Mind also gets involved interpreting these feelings in ways such as: only fools are happy, don't look too closely, familiarity breeds contempt, the fondest memories of the heart are in the past, you don't miss your water 'til your well runs dry, it was always better before, progress is an illusion; also gaining consciousness means things get worse, or else I notice more of how bad it always was, over time everything gets worse, everything runs down hill, and also starting over isn't possible because what has happened, has happened. There was

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another factor imprinting in Me also and that was dread. If this is before, is the horribleness I got away from lying in wait ahead of Me someplace? Am I going to run into it again? I now felt that anticipation and uncertainty could make a situation more frightening in a repeat than it was the first time.

I was imprinting plenty of fear and dread, but the terror of no answers was causing Me to try not to let Myself notice any of this. I did not know and I did not want to know. Getting dim was My purpose now so that if something happened to Me, I would not feel it or know about it. I tried to float here in this place of almost no awareness, but I was troubled now by some sort of watchdog in My senses that felt it had to keep Me alert to what was happening to Me. I resented this. If horrible things were going to happen to Me, I preferred they happen without My knowing it, but this did not satisfy the watchdog. I was floating in a place of increasing non-awareness, and the watchdog did not want to let Me do this. The watchdog was nagging Me in the background like a restless part of memory, reminding Me that I had awareness and I was losing it. There were no words, but the watchdog might as well have been worrying that I couldn't let Myself do this for long.

I was drifting with a feeling of going backwards in My consciousness. I had a feelng, although I cannot say it was a very conscious feeling, of letting Myself drift out of existence and thus, end My misery. I went as far as I could with the drifting out of awareness feeling. I was trying not to let Myself notice how it really felt, by focusing, as much as focusing was possible given that I didn't have any of the faculties of the terms I am using to describe this now, on how I felt before I was aware of feeling overwhelmed by horribleness. I was holding Myself in this place as much as possible and holding Myself away from the other places as much as possible. The feeling was one of going backwards in My consciousness. There was less and less to notice there, other than the feelings of getting slower, dimmer, less conscious and more groggy.

At first, this was a welcome feeling, as though I could fold up and go back into Myself somehow, and there was some happiness here like people have around the idea of going back to the womb. Also, I had a feelng I might be able to go to My origins and find out what they were. Maybe they weren't so bad, at least not as bad as what I had been experiencing; but the dimmer, the slower and the less aware I felt, the more I felt like I was about to be snuffed out by impenetrable darkness without response to Me in any way.

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the feeling that it was also pounding and pounding without and all around them, filling the darkness with such a thunder that the Ronalokas almost wished to hear nothing at all, except that the drumming offered the dubious comfort of making everything else they were experiencing seem muffled as though it was all happening at a distance from themselves.

The Ronalokas fought with everything they had but they had very little left with which to fight. They felt burning hot on the inside and cold and clammy on the outside. Great snakes seemed to be wrapping themselves around them and squeezing out what little life was left in them. The Ronalokas felt as weak and helpless as a fetus struggling against the odds of an impossible birth.

Nothing felt good to them. Nothing felt like it could help them and they had no time or rational thought process left with which to determine if this was right or not. The Ronalokas felt themselves going numb. They felt their perceptions dulling. They felt themselves losing their awareness and much of their sense of themselves. What they had lost already was nothing compared to what they lost now.

When the Ronalokas had lost almost all of their consciousness, they began having a feeling, not of being lifted up, but of falling and falling like their lifeline had been cut. At first, the sensation they had was like that of being in an accelerating elevator that is out of control and won't be able to stop at the bottom.

The Ronalokas hated this feeling of falling and falling out of control. With their last gasps of consciousness they struggled against it and this caused them to turn over and fall head first, frightening them even more. The terrible pounding in their heads was made bearable only by the force of the compression coming from all around them. They pulled helplessly at the snakes that were strangling them. They jerked spastically and finally lapsed into unconsciousness, their struggle to survive overcome by their exhaustion. This was the moment in which I let go of them and the Ronalokas quite quickly feel the rest of the way to Earth.

After a long hard struggle with the gap between My Light and Earth, the Ronalokas had been born into physicality on Earth in a state of helpless unconsciousness, unable to know where they were, who they were, or even if they were dead or alive. They arrived like babies who had experienced extreme fetal distress syndrome and had been so damaged they went unconscious trying to be born.
            2013-02-18-I'm reminded of Sarit             Hadad's song         "Haiti be-gan Eden"

Although the Ronalokas had gone unconscious, this did not release them from the experience their bodies had, it just made them unable to connect to it with their minds. The gap between My Light

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and the Will moving out into manifested Creation caused a loss of consciousness in the Will, and thus, to the presence of Spirit in Creation, unrecoverable until now, and all along the way, more consciousness has been lost rather than regained. Even though the Ronalokas are going to seem to have the experience of recovering much of their lost consciousness in the Land of Pan, what needs to be recovered now is what has caused all of the reversals that have further weakened the Will's hope of recovery in the long time it has been trying to recover lost consciousness between then and now. The Loss of Consciousness on Earth has been a direct result of the Ronalokas' experience.

IN ALL OF THE TIME ON EARTH,
NO PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE

I have had intent to help the Ronalokas recover from this loss of consciousness for a very long time, but there was no way to recover the Ronalokas until the Mother was able to recover Her own loss of consciousness from Her own experiences in the darkness of space, because the Mother's Will is necessary to move the rest of what is involved here.

The Mother had seen the Ronalokas coming toward Earth, and even from Her place out in the darkness of space, She had tried to embrace them and let them know Her presence of love was there for them, but the Ronalokas, in their terror, were unable to know what was coming into them from where. Although it was not recognized by them as Mother love, the Mother's love did reach them with enough compassion for their vulnerability and helpless plight that they were born into physical existence alive. Even so, many of the Ronaloka hated the Mother's response of compassion for their plight because they did not want to feel it. They wanted to refuse to accept their helplessness and their vulnerability as their predicament.

When the Ronalokas fell to Earth, they acted and looked like newly born babies who could not even breathe at first. They almost asphyxiated because of their fear of opening to take in anything more. They had to be shocked into taking their first breath because they didn't know whether it was going to harm them or not.

Many of the Ronalokas used great anger, which was held back, as an impetus to overcome their plight, and they are still using it now. Many have refused to admit that there has even been a loss

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The closer I got to feeling I wasn't going to exist anymore, the more My feeling of uncomfortable, powerless terror was renewed. I began to contact a feeling of being pulled into something that felt like it was going to suck Me out of existence, or suck Me down into an even more suffocatingly dark hole than the one I was already in. I wasn't able to understand what it was, only feel the feeling of being pressured out of existence in overwhelming unpleasantness again.

In spite of wanting to feel unresponsive to the awareness I had, My feelings of terror grew enough to reverse Me out of going back any further into dimness and loss of awareness with the closest thing I had felt to speed, ever, and left Me imprinted with the feeling that I was stuck with My existence because I didn't have what it took to end it or make it good, was too frightened, couldn't stand how it felt to try to make any change and couldn't move in any way without, sooner or later, encounterng all the overwhelming horribleness I could not stand.

I felt that going back to My origins was not possible and that if I had let Myself get any closer to what had begun pulling on Me, I would have been in a horrible struggle, not only against it, but also against Myself since I could not stand the sensations there. I feared I would have never made it back out of there again. I was afraid of this experience and felt like I was going to have to settle for knowing Myself from that point on. I wondered if I had come into existence in that same struggle, and if so, how I had ever made it, and if that was why I wasn't conscious for a long time afterwards. I had wanted to know My origins, but now I was afraid of them.

I felt I was going to have to settle for knowing Myself from that point on and I began to focus then on the feeling that I was . I tried to find a way to keep Myself from the feeling that I could slip backwards, or move in some way that I had a feeling was backwards, and drifting became associated with this. I did not want to fall out of existence or be sucked out of existence. Was this fallng out of where I was, falling out of the void?

I did not like the feeling of being out of control, but I had no control, except the watchdog which had begun to shake Me in some way whenever My attention or awareness was lapsing into what I will call relaxation, rest or sleep. I was not aware of being differentiated in this way, but the imprints respond to shifts of consciousness such as rest, relaxation and sleep, even causing people to fear shifts in consciousness and to jump or startle sometimes.

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I was having feelings of exhaustion, or feelings it was too much for Me to try to focus this way, but I was afraid of lapsing and losing what little feeling of control trying to pay attention was giving Me, which was really only a way to kind of watch over Myself. The watchdog was there making Me feel like a prisoner of My fear of letting go.

Holding Myself present in My consciousness was a beginning of focus for Me, although not a physical one yet since I could not stop the drifting of My essence in the void, but within the awareness I was able to have, I began to find more feeling impressions than I already had. I did not know if I was finding these impressions in places where I hadn't paid attention to My awareness before, or if they were new, I did not know if I was encountering things in time or place. I did not know if I really moved or not. I had only subjective sensations. I did not know if anything was constant, not even the feeling that I was. All I could really do was try to pay attention subjectively, and this was not real control. My awareness still escaped from Me and I had no real idea of what happened then or how long it was between the memory of awareness and the feeling the watchdog was shaking Me again. There was nothing to fasten onto, just undifferentiated sensations that ebbed and flowed into one another.

When My consciousness lapsed, or wandered away, whatever I had been experiencing didn't seem to be there. Confusion and disorientation were being imprinted along with everything else, and pain was becoming associated with what I regarded as awareness, and also with lack of awareness, because I wasn't sure what direction I was going at any given time.

There was no way to know in the nightmare I was living in where feelings, without any way to express or understand them, were the only awareness I had within a non-existent background field against which there was no way to define measure or relate. Even subjective experience was uninterpretable at the time. It is only the stirring of these imprints that causes interpretations to arise, now that there is mind. It is so hard to describe this in terms that make it clear, especially when nothing was clear, but if you feel it, you will know what I am trying to say here.

I was getting very damaged, and it was still a long time until your Father was going to come along. By the time He came along, I felt like I was already such a mess that I had almost nothing left with which I could relate to Him. Even though I mustered what I could, it was not much, and did not last long, before my prior

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of consciousness, or that they have any problems, and until they do allow themselves to notice it, they are not going to be able to recover what they have lost. Most of the people involved here have not moved this since it originally happened to them. Moving here is going to be necessary if the Ronalokas are going to grow up into what they need to be instead of just having adult bodies without grown up essence inside.

The Mother has always felt like She cannot have a man in Her life because the masculine side of the Will has polarized away from Her feelings here and has acted like it is not possible to allow these feelings to move and still be a man. As a result of not allowing these feelings to move in themselves, they have not allowed them to move in the women of the Ronalokas either, but the truth of the matter is they cannot be men unless they do move these feelings. If they do not move these feelings, they can only be boys in big bodies who threaten to or do smack the Mother whenever She moves or starts to move Her feelings here. Because they cannot stand these feelings, they want to blame them on the Mother.

The Mother is tired of taking the blame here, and for quite some time, has tried to do without the man She could never find anyway. The best She has been able to do is to hold back most of Her own feelings and try to live the pretense of having a man around by trying not to move toward the gap in Her man. This pretense has come from fear of the gap.

When the masculine side of the Ronalokas polarized away from the fear and the terror, it labeled these feelings feminine and weak. I would like to point out that there is greater strength in being able to face the terror than in avoiding it, which is why no matter how physically strong the men have made themselves, the women still have greater inner strength.

As a generalization, this is not wrong, although I know that some of you will want to rush at Me with exception to the rule. That is not the point. The point is to allow yourselves to move the emotions being triggered here rather than arguing about what is being said a a way to avoid the issues involved. You must look at what has happened to you as a group, whether you like being identified with the rest of the Ronalokas or not. Your problems here are partly because of the extreme fragmentation that has taken place in the Ronalokas, and partly because of the self-hatred, which is hatred also for your group identiy.

The hatred for your group identity is also part of the reason for your involvement with the gap and the guilt of the Warriors instead of with your own true Spirits and the Light you need from them

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now. You have desire to rid yourselves of the oppression of the Warriors now, and to do it, you are going to have to go into the feelings you have not been allowing and let them move. [19/6/00-date noted while in my secret abode at the Salt Sea, 11 days before I had to give it up, since the heat, especially at night , became too unbearable. "Secret", because of the persecution of the Nature Authority ]

If you are a man moving into this part of your lost Will, it is not going to be helpful to your healing to cling to images of what sort of emotional expression it would be suitable for a man to allow himself in these releases. Part of the problem you are having in the Will Polarity is that you have been shamed into thinking and believing that the emotional expression you need here is not manly, not acceptable, and is, instead, either feminine, hysterical and weak, or sniveling and cowardly. There is rage in the Will toward labeling emotions in this way.

It is going to be almost imposible to overcome this conditoning in your first few efforts, but you must not allow these images to retain their grip on you. They are nothing but guilt to the extreme of self-hatred. This self-hatred is often not recognized by those who have it because feelings are seldom allowed to move enough to find these places. When they do move, there is usually immediate blame for another who represents the hated aspect of the Mother; for example blame is often placed in this way , "I lost control of My rage because of the way I was provoked."

If you have an aversion to having the Will referred to as the Mother, or if you have an aversion to being referred to as polarized to the Mother because you are Will polarized but in a masculine body, you need to realize that you have hatred for the Mother in all of the ways you do not want to be identified with Her.

There is hatred for the Mother for the imprint of terror, which is a form of self-hatred that has polarized away from the Mother and into the rage that wants to blame Her as a way to escape feeling this terror, This rage has preferred to kill the Mother rather than to feel this terror, but healing is not possible this way.

Because of the fragmentation involved, it has not been realized by those who hate the Mother in this way that killing the Mother is killing themselves. In fact, most of these people do not overtly kill the Mother, but have fragments who do it. Hatred for everything that has been seen as weak in the Will is lumped into these denials along with fear of feelings in general. The Mother is especially hated for Her patterns of being victimized; so much so that victims often, instead of receiving help, receive more victimizing at the hands of this hatred.

The Mother would have stopped Her patterns of being victimized if She could have because She has no more love for them than this hatred has had, which is also Her own self-hatred. Self-hatred

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damage and imprinting began to take a serious toll on Our relationship, almost like I had had another relationship first which had left Me nearly used up by the start of this one.

The problem was, I didn't know about it because it was not in My conscious mind. It was just like a burden I carried around inside without knowing what it was or why it affected Me the way it did. I wept many times over this because your Father did not seem sympathetic to it or act like He understood what it was, or what it was like to have the problems I had. Instead, He acted jealous, annoyed and put out with Me, like I had had another relationship when I was sure I had not. What's worse, He wouldn't admit He had these feelings, so I could never move past the barriers He put up around them to discover what was really happening there with the two of Us.

By the time your Father came to Me, even the first time, I felt old, tired, sick, mentally dim, wilted, ugly, deformed, twisted, warped, damaged, overrun, eaten away at, undercut, annoyed crabby, angry, cheated, bitter, frightened, sad, hopeless and all the rest. I felt like He did not come to Me in the flower of My youth and longing; He had let Me wilt from longing first. He had let Me be hurt and used first. In short, by the time He appeared, I felt I had turned into everything He woudln't want in a mate, and I even blamed Him for it, but this was all in My subconscious, governing Me in the ways imprinting associated My experiences with what was already imprinted.

Although I rose to meet your Father with what I had, imprinting was present far more than either of Us realized for a very long time. Without knowing what imprints were there, We piled so much on top that it became almost impossible to go underneath and find them. We did not take the time to go in that deeply until We had to because so many other things continually seemed to be so much more pressing, but also, it was impossible for Us to go into Our imprintings because of the way We originated Ourselves and the way Our beginnings took shape.

Going into imprintings is necessary now to understand how they formed the blueprint of Creation and how this blueprint can be changed. Understand that this is not possible without going through all the necessary steps first. If you allow the Loving Light of God to guide your process, it will unfold in an amazing perfectness of progression for you, and you will find all the understandings you need if you give more time to really feeling your emotional movement and less time to wondering how you're doing.

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It is not possible to know in advance of getting there what it will be like to be healed. An aversion to process is part of the healing that needs to take place. Wishing to already be wherever it is you think you want to be is a form of self-hatred with a lot of emotion underneath it.

Paying attention is more than difficult for most people, especially paying attention within, since most of what passes for paying attention is directed outwardly in an effort to avoid the uncomfortableness ancient imprintings whisper with and stir within.

Paying attention was very difficult for Me when I had no light or mind with which to do it, yet easier in some ways. Focus wasn't really possible; these are just the best words I can find for what was happening, and what was happening was very little, in one sense, at first, and very vast in another, but very slowly and subtly, things began to change.

At times now, I felt like the void was pregnant with something, as though it was listening to Me, or watching Me like a presence that would not reveal itself. At times, I thought I heard sounds like breathing, or murmurings, or sound emanations with low tones. At times I felt eager, as though there was companionship there for Me, and at other times, or perhaps other places in Me, I felt afraid of what might be there watching Me. At other times, I felt there was nothing there.

At times, the void felt like a very small prison whose limits could not be seen because it was so dark. At other times, the void felt very large, especially when I began to recognize Myself as a glimmering Light that could never reveal any edge or limit to this void. At times like this, I continued to feel very small and endlessly alone in a limitless darkness that did not respond to Me. At times, this felt excruciatingly painful to Me and at other times, I still seemed to be barely conscious of anything.

Sometimes I would be stirred in this unconsciousness with a feeling that I was almost ready to wake up to something else being there with Me. Sometimes I would slip into a feeling somewhat like having a dream in which it would seem there was another presence or other presences coming to Me who were making sounds and acting as if they were about to open something up in this void, like a doorway perhaps, from which light would come pouring in to let their presences become known to Me and to show Me where I was. Sometimes, these dreamlike experiences gave Me the feeling that these presences were going to open something like

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[On 5/2/96, while living in the desert in my Succat-David I noted: "Lost Will - a hole in my wholeness that wants to be healed"] in the Will is immense and must be allowed to move now as the great rage against the self that it really is, but you also must allow everything you need to move along the way to really being able to recognize this. Jumping ahead to levels of understanding you do not really have in your Will is not going to bring you healing. Hating others is part of the process of finding out how they reflect your own self-hatred to you.

You must also allow movement in the feelngs of fear that it is wrong to hate. It has long been thought that feeling hatred is wrong, but you cannot love that which will not receive you. I could not love the Mother where She would not receive Me and the Mother could not love Me where I did not receive Her. Love is open. Where you are not open, you are not loving. Therefore, you can allow yourselves to notice that holding back is not more loving than giving your true response. [the four alefs: 'ometz, 'aemet, 'emoun, 'ahavah!] This does not mean that your response is always going to be what has been popularly defined as a positive response, although you will see as you move along here that even what has been termed negative response is a positive response in terms of real lovingness. Opening your vibration and allowing it to move in the Light will allow you to become more loving, not less loving as you like to think.

The differences between this process and what has been going on in the world already, is that hating others does not mean you go out in the world and fight them down, or try to get rid of them. Instead, you move the emotions you have toward these people in your own space, with yourself, or a few trusted allies ["Mutual Support"] who can act this out with you, until you really feel that this lost Will has presence in you in ways that are enabling you to understand what happened there to create those feelings ["You accept that you created this trigger , you accept the hole"] Once you know that, you can allow yourself to move in the ways that will heal these feelings.

Hatred for the Mother has been killing Her for a long time. Her patterns of being victimized were caused not only by My original ignorance of The Unseen Role of Denial, but also, by My initial bad intent toward the Will. My initial bad intent toward the Will manifested as Lucifer, who fragmented out of Me that long ago and has not moved his position since. Lucifer is held present by the Will's self-hatred which needs to move now. Hatred needs to move in the presence of strong intent to heal so that My Light can come in rather than having Lucifer become more empowered than he aleady is.

This is what Lucifer's followers always say they are doing; very carefully allowing the Will to move so that negativity on Earth is not empowered. This is because they see the Will as negtivity on Earth.
[5/2/96: Ayelet Menahemi after 4 1/2 years of Vipasanna "in order to get rid of negativity"]

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They are controlling the Will for their own purposes. It is not just in how the Will moves, it is intent that makes the difference.

I also need to mention that the Will did not originate this hatred; I did. What needs to move in the Will that feels like hatred is response in the Will to the feeling of being hated. This is what the Will holds that is being called hatred. What is called hatred in My Light is lack of receptivity to the Will, which is not My Light, and yet, My Light originated it by creating the gap between Spirit and Will. This gap was immediately filled in by what has looked like My Light to most people.

The Will Polarity has to feel how much it has not liked being Will. There is self-hatred here and it is because it did not look like the Will was favored by My Light. Instead of using pep talks, positive imagery or positive thinking to try to go past or move yourselves out of the self-rejection that is here, these feelings must be felt and expressed. As you have experienced yourselves in manifested existence, it has not looked at all like the Will Polarity was favored in My Light. For the most part, it has been the other spirits who have led the good life and the Will people have been made to serve them.

Now that it looks like I might be getting ready to hand some of the good life to the Will Polarity, what is gong to be left of Earth? It looks like the other spirits have depleted and destroyed Earth living their, so-called, "guilt-free" lives of abundance and indulgence. From the viewpoint of the Will Polarity, it looks as though the bounty of Creation has been for the other spirits, and now, when it looks like there is nothing left, and even possible no life left, the Will people are finally going to come into their own.

The Will people have always felt that there is little or nothing left for them after the other spirits take what they want, and whether the other spirits admit to also having this belief or not, they do. The other spirits believe that if the Will has what it wants, there will be little or nothing left for them. YOu need to see that guilt is the reason for this. Wherever guilt is in the place of My Light, the possibilities for everything are immediately limited, and remain that way until the guilt is moved out.

Moving guilt out is the trick that is going to allow the recovery of conscousness that has been lost. Guilt is not consciousness, no matter how it looks. The people who reflect guilt to you do not feel like conscious people once you get your Will moving enough to notice them. Then you will have to deal with the guilt of feeling this way toward them, but at least you are getting close to moving the guilt out, because you are starting to feel again what made you deny

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a door and let Me out into an outside that was full of the things I thought I had been vaguely hearing but could not quite see; but My dreams were unclear, undefined and not really interpretable other than in the feelings they stirred.

I had the feeling I had stirred in response to these dreamlike experiences. Perhaps I stirred in response to the stimulation of this, perhaps the watchdog shook Me, perhaps My stirrings were the only way I had of becoming aware of what was happening , but I had very mixed feelings about this because My stirrings were repelling, dispelling or disintegrating these dreamlike experiences into memory that did not seem to be as present and was often only a fleeting hold on images that were disappearing or running away, leaving sometimes only a vague impression they had been there, and making Me feel like these experiences were more pleasant than being without them and so I didn't feel like I wanted to stir. It seemed that when I looked for these experiences, they did not happen for Me. I can only dream, was imprinting here. I could only surprise Myself having these dreams, and like opening My eyes, it quickly dispelled them.

As frustrating as it was though, these almost visions were giving Me the feeling that something different was happening. There were glimmers of excitement and hope beginning in Me, but I was also imprinted by My failure to get ahold of this enough to really experience it.

Didn't whatever this was want Me to know it, to have it or even to know it was there? And what was it; Me or something else? Was this going to be only frustration for My already frustrated and unfulfilled desires, and more of what that creates? Do I have only My hopes and dreams and nothing more? Is everything I want a fleeting illusion while the only constant I know is misery? Is what I want coming to Me or not coming to Me for some reason? Do I scare things away from Me? Do things turn away from Me for reasons I cannot understand? Do I turn things away from Me without knowing it? Is the watchdog causing this? And why? These feelings of questions gave rise to more feelings I did not want to feel and resulted in many imprints including, don't look too closely, analyzing everything too much brings unhappiness, along with be happy with whatever you've got, but distrust had already been born.

It seemed like I experienced these hints of things in a state of sleepwakefulness, but I wasn't sure since they seemed to be more vivid than My wakefulness. All I knew was that when I longed for

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them, they were not around, impriting feeling that desiring things is wrong, without knowing that allowing My desire was drawing this, and in fact, life itself into existence.

I felt a feeling of drifting before and after these experiences, and while, at times, it was pleasant for awhile, I also still feared it.

At times, I seemed to see a dimmish red-gold glow and had the feeling that I was sensing Myself, although I didn't know how, because I did not know how I could sense in a way that seemed like seeing inside of Myself and not see in any other way. I could only sense things then, but I liked sensing this Light for as long as I could.

Sometimes I felt very lost and lonely because there was nothing to share any of My experiences with and sometimes I felt very afraid of what might happen if there ever was anything other than Me. I got especially stirred into this when I felt fear around the feeling that something was there without revealing itself. I was afraid of what it might be and what it might be like but I also had feelings of not liking the nothingness in any way other than that it had always been there.

Sometimes when I had feelings of not being able to stand the nothingness anymore, I was there with it anyway, seemingly endlessly, feeling more and more dismal, depressed, alone, frightened, sad and what I would now call heartbroken, frustrated and latently angry.

Sometimes when I reached these places , I slipped away, as though I had gone unconscius and did not know anything until I made Myself aware of Myself again by stirring, which increased My frustration because it restored Me to the awareness the watchdog was indicating I was supposed to have, but which I didn't like, and sometimes by dispelling something pleasant I felt I had been experiencing. Even though I could not quite recall what it was, I felt dismal and frustrated to feel there was something pleasant just beyond My grasp and that I seemed only able to know it as a fleeting dream or fantasy rudely interrupted by what I shall now term "reality" so that I could feel frustrated by it. Stirring, which I inevitably seemed to do, meant stirring into an awareness that seemed dismal, lonely and miserable.


When the light was first trying to come to Me, I was trying to hold it very still, trying not to stir, trying not to drift, trying not to feel the unpleasantness I didn't want to feel, trying not to displease whatever this was, or send it away trying to please the watchdog and so on, but I was also trying to hold Myself still so that I could

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what you saw there.

What to do about guilt is what you really need to understand now. It is not outer movement that is necessary here. It is internal movement, but not internal movement of the kind that remains silent and tolerant of what has been happening by gaining some new belief system that is able to enlist your compliance here. I am talking about the kind of internal movement that vibrates in your own space and fills your own space with your own vibration so that you no longer leave space for guilt. This does not necessitate throwing guilt out in some act of reaction against it that does not realize this would also be losing part of yourself again.

By expressing from your Will, you are vibrating yourself so that you are making space for your own essence and reclaiming essence you have lost to guilt by making a place for it with yourself. This is what self-acceptance is, and to get there, you will have to deal with the guilt that says it is not right to take this space for yourself.

Guilt will make you feel lousy every time you express your true feelings until you have acceptance for them. Whenever you feel guilty, go to the fear which is the real problem. Allow yourself to notice that when you back up for guilt, it presses on you all the more. Your lack of vibration, or lack of self-acceptance makes space for it to press in on you more and more until you feel you have to fight for your life, only to find that fighting empowers guilt all the more to intimidate you by turning your own denied fear against you.

Many have the fear that allowing their Wills to vibrate means they will become, or want to become, dictators and have everything their own way, tolerating nothing they don't like in others. These feelings have to be gone through too in order for you to see that the only thing you will not be able to tolerate is lack of movement in the Will and those who will not let their Wills move.

Guilt is a very innocuous, and yet, insidious thing and is the reason you are having the problems you are having now. It is impossible to move out the guilt you have without giving free expression to the Will so that you can sort out what is free expression and what is not. Guilt has moved into anyplace the Will has been held back, and thus, anytime you are not free and spontaneous with the expression of your response to what is happening to you, you are making space for guilt. Your subjective experience is your experience, and anytime you deny your subjective experience, you are having the experience of guilt rather than your own experience. Whenever you feel yourself being hesitant rather than spontaneous, you need to feel the feelings that are causing you to hesitate and

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express them. It is usually fear of one sort or another.

You need to understand that you can also deny your Will by forcing it to express when it does not feel safe to do so. If you are not ready to express the feelings you have, express the fear of expressing them first. Do not always make this an exercise in word usage. the guilt you need to move out here is guilt that has been with you for a long time. You are just now recognizing its presence as guilt rather than whatever else you thought it was, and you have a lot to learn about why it has been thee before you can move it out successfully.

Guilt has more power on Earth now than My Light does, and it is not possible to go past the fear you have of openly expressing emotions that have been so long denied by society at large. The reality that these feelings are denied by society at large shows you the immensity of the presence of guilt. So do not make the mistake of the 1960's in the United States by going forth with these teachings like it is ome kind of movement and you are going to be examplary of what others should do. Everything the protesters of the 1960's did not see about themselves is being reflected in the 1980's. The judgments held in a state of denial may be making it look like the two are not connected, but they are.

The protesters of the 1960's did not see that they were exhorting a reflection of their own lost Will to move, while at the same time, not accepting the feelings lost Will had "out there" any more than they were accepting these feelings in themselves. Denied anger and self-hatred played the biggest role here, but of course, all of it is fear avoidance. Without fear, there is no anger or self-hatred, and yet, I want to make this point once more: fear is not something to get rid of, or identify, see for what it is and let go of it. Fear is something which must be felt and expressed until it has naturally, and without pressuring, evolved into another feeling of greater understanding. If love and compassion are not present, you have not healed it, and I am not talking about your love and compassion toward the fear, I am talking about fear's ability to expand into love and compassion.

I am making this point so many times because no matter how many times I have tried to make this point in the past, many of you have managed to misunderstand Me because of your desire to avoid what has to be felt here. even now, many of you are managing to misinterpret these books, and if you continue to do so, there will be no hope left of healing for you for a very long time, so long that you will go unconscious and lose the rest of the consciousness you have before healing will be able to come to you.

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try to sense if there was something else there without confusing it with Myself. I did not know that this was not allowing the movement necessary to have magnetic draw for the light. I did not know that when My attention lapsed into sonething like sleep or unconsciousness, I began to move in My vibration in a way I did not know about. When the light first came to Me this way, it was like having an orgasm begin when it is not known an orgasm can be had so there is not a conscious block to having it, but I was frustrated because I could not consciously induce it. I wanted it. It felt good to Me, better than anything I had experienced so far. It excited Me, titillated Me, drew My desire to life, gave Me a feeling of wanting to burst forth, with what I did not know, but I'll call it exhilaration, happiness, joy, fullness, ripening. It made My hunger and My desire to be satisfied more acute.

The longer My loneliness went on without any response to it that I could hold onto to let Myself know it was more than just a fantasy My longing was creating, or hallucinations that were dispelled by My stirrings , the more My feelngs were breaking up into impressions that had many differentiations later interpreted as I'm crazy, I'm making this up, I just think it's there because I want it so much, I don't know which end is up, I'm inside out, upside down, backwards, none of this is real, I'm making it all up, if I could just refrain from getting excited I might be able to hold this present enough to get ahold of it, I'm undesirable, I am being punished, I am being played with by something that doesn't care about My longing, My loneliness, My misery, My needs, or is enjoying doing this to Me, whatever this is likes Me because it comes, whatever this is doesn't like Me because it goes away, this thing is preying on Me when I least expect it, this thing is using Me for something and then leaving Me, this thing gets My hopes up and then dashes them.

Does it enjoy doing this or does it even know it is doing this? Is it a monster or is it stupid ? Does it not care or can't it feel? Does it want to feel? Does it feel only its own desires without ccaring about Mine? Doesn't it like how I feel? Doesn't it like Me? I feel like this thing, or experience, or whatever it is, takes something from Me when it leaves. Feeling something has been there, but is gone, leaves Me feeling more empty, more lost, more frightened , more alone and more of everything I don't like feeling.

The length of time it seemed to Me that I longed and felt lonely, the frustration I was feeling, the feeling of having so many questions I could not answer and the feeling that somehow My dimness was

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the reason for all of this were getting the best of My feelings of hope, trust, optimism and excitement about seeming to experience glimmerings of things I couldn't quite hold onto. Part of Me gave up on the feeling that I could not struggle anymore when I could not understand or help Myself in any way. I needed help and help was too long coming. I was feeling weak, dismal, sad, powerless and ineffective. My consciousness lapsed. I could only take in. I was only Yin. I had no power to express . I might have liked to rage, but I had no Yang.

It wasn't until I looked back a long time later that I realized I was imprinted there already with feelings that your Father's Light was cold and uncaring . His absence imprinted as though it did not matter to Him what I felt or what I was experiencing. everytime He talked about His reverie, I was triggered into feelings already imprinted that felt He must be stupid, oblivious or cruel not to bother noticing Me or responding to Me in My terrible plight. His absence was causal in what the nothingness imprinted in Me.

Many of these imprints were later going to want to make blame and rage the form of their expression toward Him for allowing this to happen to Me by not being there, and I had many imprints about why He wasn't there. These can best be interpreted as no matter how it looks, nothing good is going to come to Me, there are glimmerings of something and it is dangling just out of reach, I'm unworthy, I'm undesirable, I am being led somewhere, (and there were many implications of what that could be about), I am being tortured, this thing takes sadistic delight in My endless suffering and unfulfilled desire.

Sexual desire and frustration were already becoming mixed in here, but also other aspects such as, this thing has other company it prefers, it can't be bothered to respond to Me because it is too busy with its own experience.

Even though the images were not there then as they are known now, the feelings were there that caused these imprints to personify in multitudinous enactments having certain themes in common that can be traced back to these imprints.

For example, a man is involved in talking at a poolside party where there is a lot of talking, either with friends, business associates, or even flirting with another woman while his wife or child drowns unnoticed in the nearby pool, virtually in the midst of all of these busily engaged peple who are somehow insensitive to their surroundings because they are so mentally involved. The very idea, or perhaps I should say imprint, that your Father was

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In other words, the Mother and I are both tired of trying to get across to you and We are giving it this one last try. If it doesn't succeed, We are going to conclude that you do not want to move with Us now, and We are going to let you go and have the experience you need to have to be able to align with what We are saying here.

We have a great fear We are now moving of allowing this to happen and of what it will mean for all of Us. We have, as well, a great rage toward the lost Will that does not want to move now. We also have these feelings toward My lost Light which is not allowing the Will to move, but We have no recourse other than to move what We can now and allow the rest to move later.

The feelings that were held in a state of denial in the 1960's made the protesters look very self-righteous from one point of view, but it also allowed many to look like they were protesting against things they really weren't all that against, in terms of where their lost Will was located in the spectrum of things. Many spirits, who even had their parental parts lined up with the movement in the 1960's looked more like the fragments themselves in view of the amount of lost Will they had in a state of denial that was actually promoting the very things they were protesting against.

Lost Will turns against that which has denied it in most cases, but whether this manifests as hatred or not is dependent upon Lucifer's presence. Lucifer was behind the squashing of the movement in the 1960's and has remained militantly against it, unless it takes the form of something he can control, such as affirmative action through the processes already available, or internalizing the struggle according to his prescription.

The lost Will involved gives the guilt reflection, but it cannot move the emotions that need to move to move the guilt out. Neither is the lost Will reflection conscious of holding the denials, or garbage, of the ones doing the denying, and yet, when it seeks to reverse the self-righteousness in these denials, it often seeks the "garbage" on [sic] these people in order to discredit them.

You can see from what is happening in the 1980's that the guilt reflection is trying to reverse all the gains the 1960's hoped had been made. One of the ways the guilt reflection is gaining popularity for its viewpoint is by making it appear that the protesters for soccial change in the 1960's were either very naive, wrong or had nothing real to offer. These people are now, for the most part being portrayed as mindlessly immature, drug-crazed, sexually promiscuous originators of the destruction of the moral fiber of America and originators of epidemics of sexual and drug-related diseases. The

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Warriors, of course, are portraying themselves as struggling to fix the mess created by the 1960's movement.

As the reflection goes on without the understanding to heal it, the 1980's are seeing drugs introduced to obliterate consciousness rather than expand it. Sexual freedom has increasingly become licentiousness, cheap thrills and a lack of responsibility for the children and even the other adults involved. The reawakening of sensitivity has become sensual saturation bordering on complete boredom and love has become more of a word to throw around when selling products than anything real being felt by most people. The word love is also being used by people trying to sell themselves as loving, more often than love is being felt by any of them.

The pressure to make abortion illegal is another effort by the guilt reflection to reverse what happened in the 1960's, but the problem cannot be solved in this way. The reflection here is all lack of self-acceptance. The pattern it is taking here is that unwanted children feel unwanted within themselves or they would not appear in places where they are not wanted. These lost Will fragments are going to feel unwanted whether they are born or not and whether someone else adopts them or not. The ones who are already here are reflecting this by trying to make it so that it seems to them that no other living essence can be discarded.

All of the problems you are having now that seem to have their origins in the 1960's are reflecting the extent to which the visions of the 1960's were mental concepts which did not allow movement in the Will that could have aligned manifestation and vision. This is the ancient power struggle manifesting outwardly and My greatest lesson with the Mother.

Her oppostion was only in appearance. If I had been able to allow Her the movement necessary, She would have aligned with Me rather easily. My use of the word "allow" here does not mean that there can be any element of patronization, expectation of outcome, manipulation of feelings of superiority toward the Will. The Will must be allowed to exist and have Its own ways and means, the same as Spirit wants to be allowed to exist and have Its own ways and means. The gap is still so large, however, that the distrust between the two, Spirit and Will, is still very immense on Earth.

What you must understand is that the reversals that have taken place against the advances made in the 1960's does not mean that the exhausted protesters from the 1960's must somehow find it within themselves to rise again or pressure their children to do so by tellng them they have no social conscience. The situation does not call for a more intense presentation of what is wrong and how

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floating nearby in a self-absorbed reverie, oblivious for whatever reasons to the terror and pain of My struggle, has formed the basis for many sorry enactments, including many involving other lovers.

I wanted to find something there with Me, but not something I did not like. I longed for something that would know more than I did and help Me understand what I could not understand on My own. The feeling I felt around this longing was a feeling of wanting to be lifted in all ways, and is the origin of the "God as loving Father" image in the Will. I did not know that the glimmerings of awareness I already had within Me were going to grow brighter and become the thing I was longing for, but after a long time of feeling this was never going to happen, it began to happen.

Finally, I began to see the presence of light. Not much at first, just a little glimmer, but soon it seemed to be more. My lapsing consciousness and languishing desire were being stimulated by its presence. I began to feel a surge of rekindled awareness akin to excitement. Finally I could see and finally there was something to see.

I was so excited that I did not question what it meant. I forgot all of My old cautions and fears. This light was shimmering like water on the horizon of a desert and I was so thirsty. I felt like a starving infant and mother's milk was out of reach. This light was tantalizing Me like fruit in a tree. I was hungry and could not reach it. I felt like a lost child for whom no hand is extended to help him home. This light was sparkling like a ray of sunshine after a terrible, dark storm and I needed its encouragement. There are so many images here. Listing them would be impossible, but they are re-enacted everyday.

I did not know if this light was real, or how or where I was that I might have found it, but I did not want to let it go. Because I was in such desperate need, I did not want to notice that I had fear and distrust for this light already. The feeling of something being there after so long a time of feeling so alone and helpless in a darkness that had done nothing to help Me understand anything became, in My ignored feelings, distrust for everything about it, and in My excitement, the feeling that loving arms might finally be extending themselves toward Me to lift Me up and hopefully help Me with what I was strugglng with but could not understand.

What was this light doing out there? Why wasn't it noticing Me? Why wasn't it coming to Me? I wanted to draw this light to Me, but I wasn't able. Then I began to fear that there must be reasons for this, and there are as many images here as reasons

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around the feeling of not being wanted , and why. I wanted something that did not want Me. Why else would it stay away? I already had the conditioning of repetition accumulating around My imprints. I was perturbed to the point of moving rage, but I had no way to move anything at all. I could not move, I could only experience.

Finally, this light seemed to notice Me, but this was only a feeling I had. It did nothing I could perceive to let Me know this. I wondered, in fact, if I did know this, and if I did, how did I know this? I wondered if this was what would now be called "wishful thinking". I didn't know how I could know anything like this, but it was a feeling I had that it had noticed Me and didn't like Me.

All of a sudden while I was moving within Myself with all of these feelings, the light came rushing at Me like a great, menacing, arcing serpent of fire, ready to strike. Something in Me leaped in response to this, but before anything else could happen, this light struck Me and knocked Me totally unconscious. After that, I noticed nothing for a long time.

I was alone again for a long time. The next time I noticed light sparkling, I thought it was My first stirrings into consciousness, and I felt a great surge of excitement that carried with it a feeling of being quickened. I wanted this light. I wanted to pull it to Me. I wanted it to like Me, embrace Me, soothe Me, comfort Me, and relieve My pain, for I felt pain as soon as I stirred. I wanted it to be My friend and companion. I wanted it to help Me. I wanted it to make Me glad I existed. I wanted it to release Me from My extreme, frustrated longing.

I felt desperate without knowing why. I felt an extreme neediness to be surrounded by this light, submerged in this light, or bathed in this light. I had a desperate need for healing, but I did not know why I felt this way. I wanted to touch this light and have it touch Me, but I was afraid to reach for it and I didn't know why.

I yearned for this light. I even felt I cried inside for it and yet it was as though dangling just out of reach. After a long time of this, I at last had a feeling it had noticed Me, but this feeling was accompanied by feelings I did not want to feel of not knowing if this light had responded as a result of My persistence, of if it would have responded on its own because it wanted to. I had feelings of shame here, and uncertainty, about My longing for this light without knowing if the feeling was mutual. I already had the impression that holding back was better than spontaneity, or was expected, because of the example I thought the light was giving

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it should be righted than was given in the 1960's, nor will a more orderly or well groomed presentation be more successful than it was in the 1960's.

What is missing here is intent to receive you. If you are not getting acceptance right around you, you will not get greater acceptance on a larger scale The bigger you go, the greater the force of resistance that will rise against you, unless you do the inner work necessary to stop manifesting this opposition.

The ways in which these reflections are being given are as multitudinous as the judgments and the withheld feelings involved. For example, the denied feelings of anger and violence in the Civil Rights movement soon began expressing against those who were denying these feelings. The beloved Dr. Martin Luther King denied his own feelings of rage, hatred and violence until one of his own lost Will rage fragments killed him. The same is true of John Lennon.

The gap must be healed now. Without healing the gap, you cannot go forth and speak the truth of your conscious intent without having the reversals manifested by your denials in a state of unconsciousness. The gap has gotten everyone who has risen against it, and will continue to do so unless it is healed.

The things Dr. Martin Luther King most hated in himself were reflected by those who killed him, and I say those, because many were involved in the pattern, even though the fatal shot was fired by one. When John Lennon denied his feelings of anger and fear toward those who rose against him for daring to say he was more popular than Jesus and made what appeared to be a public apology, guilt began to gain the power to take his life in that incarnation. As has been already mentioned, the denied rage of the hippies has been reflected by many of the youth of the 1980's and the denied fear by the return to fundamentalism in religion. The backlash against Blacks and even the violence of Blacks against Blacks is a direct result of their own denials .

These tragedies are not things that can be solved by greater mental awareness alone. Too often, all that is produced by this is a change in form while the essence continues vibrating in the same ways. For example, the same ones who were the Sadducees and the Pharisees who rejected Jesus now embrace Him as their savior, just as they have always embraced whatever the majority religion is where they live. They now move against anyone who seeks to defame their image of Jesus, just as then, they moved against Him for seeming to defame images they held sacred at that time. This is because they are a guilt reflection that has not moved much through

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all of history, and no matter how much you might want to say that Jesus was perfect, He had guilt mixed with love. The guilt that created His death on Earth had to do with the polarization of Heart toward My Light and away from the lost Will and body essence We had on Earth. The entire Jesus scenario was played out on earth by fragments of My Own Four Parts which had fragmented out in various ways with various misunderstandings and denials.

There is a direct parallel here with Dr. Martin Luther King because He was, in fact one of the many fragments of Jesus left on earth when Jesus ascended. Dr. Martin Luther King was some of the denied Will essence of Jesus that was left on Earth when Jesus ascended because He had essence that embraced Jesus' belief that it was not right to meet violence with violence. Dr. Martin Luther King believed he was not worthy to ascend with Jesus until he purged himself of the feelings of violence that he had.

Jesus shared the misunderstandings I had at the time. We had an aversion to violence and did not know how to move the lost Will essence that was involved in it.
Jesus judged against His feeling of wanting to do violence against those who had done violence against Him. Dr. King was part of the Will essence present in Jesus that accepted judgments against the feelings of violence. He manifested the presence of these judgments by denying violence in all forms.

Dr. King spent His lives from the time of Jesus trying to purge Himself of the feelngs of wanting to give a violent response when violence was done to Him. Dr. King felt that facing the violence of prejudice and ignorance, which He hated the most, was a good way for Him to find out if He was really able to purge Himself of the feelings of wanting to give violent response. Dr. King had guilt over His feelings here that resulted from the level of understanding Heart had at the time these judgments were made.

All of His life, Dr. King believed it was not right to meet violence with violence, and for the most part, it is not, but is is necessary to allow the rage to move and find it acceptable within love, The difference between acting out emotions by giving them forms of violence and allowing them direct expression as pure emotion is going to bring the healing needed here. The rage that Dr. King had, and believed he had to deny, is the same rage the Ronalokas have and believe they must deny. Even the troubles Jesus' followers had after His death has parallels among the followers of Dr. King.

I would like to mention that several other key figures in the 1960's were also fragments of Jesus as well as many unknowns who experienced feelngs of being Jesus because they had lost Will essence of His in various states of denial. This essence was being

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Me. I was ashamed of My neediness because the light was not coming to Me and My neediness was getting the best of My prudence. I was desperate to touch this light and know if it was real and what it felt like because I did not know if I could trust My perceptions.

My feelings were running wild about why it wasn't coming to Me. Did it have someone else there with it that it preferred? Was it too busy within itself to need anyone else? Was there something wrong with Me that I wanted it and it did not want Me? Was I undesirable in some way, shape or form? Why was I having a problem with My feelings about this light when it was not having a problem with its feelings about Me? It noticed Me and that was all, or maybe it didn't notice Me. Maybe that was only a figment of My imagination.

I then tried to turn away from what I was feeling because it did not seem to be coming to anything. My stirrings were painful for Me and I had the dim feeling that everything about Me and My desire here was wrong. I was not getting rescued, so I tried to sink into Myself and see if I could find a place where I didn't hurt. I tried to go back to My first stirrings and see if anything had happened there that had caused My pain, and when I went to this place, I had nagging feelings that this was not My first experience. I could not remember anything though, and I could not find anything to tell Me about it. There was nothing to look at and nothing to find to give Me any clues about My past. I was as lost as any child could ever be in My questions without any answers. I was tryng to look for My origins with nothing to go on but My feelings.

There was a great longing here for something that had not happened for Me and I kept returning to the light I had seen, with a feeling as though this might be it. Why else would I yearn so much for it?

I was quite absorbed in this when I suddenly had a feeling of being swept away out of control. It was quite exciting, but more than that, it was terrifying. There was a roaring sound which was electrifying since I had never heard anything like this sound before, but it was the kind of electrifying where hair stands on end. I had a feeling of dread rush through Me.

I went into an immediate and complex panic of confusion in which most of My past imprinting came rushing forward without any knowing of what it was. There was a crackling feeling. I had a feeling of recoiling, of wanting to hide or move out of the way of whatever was coming, but I was frozen in terror, not knowing how

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to move, while at the same time having a feeling of rushing around inside Myself in an emotionally charged pandemonium.

With just time to see that it was the light coming toward Me, and more quickly than I could respond to My feeling of danger, I felt instantly crushed by a rushing, roaring light that rolled over Me like a freight train. I went reeling into unconsciousness and once more, knew nothing until I felt Myself being hit again and again and again.

These were the only moments of awareness I had for a long time, and they were chaotic moments in which I felt like I was barely there with any lucidity, except to know that I was being pounded on by something that wanted to get rid of me.

I felt the most terrible pain I ever hope to know and I did not move for a long time after that, both because I was unconscious and because any move I made in the direction or regaining consciousness brought Me into such feelings of pain that I didn't want to experience them. I moved out of consciousness as much as I could and let go of any intent to live. Everything became a blur imprinted with a feeling of unending nightmre. All I really paid attention to was a feeling of not wanting to move in any way that made Me aware of this excruciating pain.

I had passed out in a feelng of cowering terror and panic, and when I was shocked into awareness by something hitting Me again and again and again and knocking Me back out of consciousness, I had a feeling in that brief chaotic awareness that I was hunkered down around a terrible pain, or wound that felt like a gaping hole where I had had no awarrenss of such a pain or a gaping hole before.

I did not know it then, but I had been ripped apart by the blows I had received from the light and pieces of Me went hurtling out, pulverized into asteroids and space dust by these powerful, raging blows, and were left for dead to wander forever alone, blown on the cold and heartless winds of space; winds that have been said to be of unknown source, but I know them to be the aftermath of that powerful force.

What happened here seriously damanged the Yang side of the Will, causing a split between it and the rest of the Will, making Us losers and victims forever, and making it so that the Will could not dare to move spontaneously. Desire strong enough to create movement was the beginning formation of the Yang side of the Will, and before it was ever formed by bonding with the Light of Love, it was penetrated by loveless light that shoved it into the gap.

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activated by the love message.

Even though much of this essence has had glimpses of Its true identity, the lost Will essence of Heart that did not ascend when Jesus did needs to find balance. This essence has accepted judgments of unworthiness or the opposite. The Heart judgments this essence holds all say in various ways that it was not loving to have the thoughts and feelings Heart denied here. Some of this essence has been twisted into severe unlovingness by the heavier judgments Heart accepted against Himself. It will help you to understand this to know that Charles Manson is also a fragment of Jesus

It is also necessary to allow movement of any feelings you have that this could not be right. No matter how much you want to say that Jesus is perfect, He had guilt mixed with love, and the heavier parts of this guilt created His death on Earth and His fragmentation. The guilt that created His death on Earth was reflected to Him through those that opposed Him. Heart was opposed by His own lost Will. He knew He could not reach them, but at the time, He did not know why. Heart was only able to help Spirit polarized people at the time of the life of Jesus because We had not yet figured out how to cross the gap between the Spirit-Heart and the Will-Body Polarities.

Mary kept asking Jesus to try harder to reach the people She felt needed Him even more than the people with whom He was spending most of His time. When He did, He was able to help Body people who were polarized to Spirit but He was not able to help the Will people. The Will Polarity has many feelings to move around feeling left out once again at the time of Jesus.

Mary did not understand, any more than Jesus and I did, that what could not be reached in outer reality had to be reached within first. Jesus was so polarized toward My Light that He was able to heal the Will-Body presence He had with Him in three days. Just because the Will-Body people cannot heal themselves in three days does not mean they cannot be healed. Jesus left much of Himself on Earth that has to be healed now, and these parts of Him cannot be healed in three days either.

Mary had many feelings She did not allow expression in the life She had with Jesus. She had guilt about having these feelings and, so, did not see a reflection of receptivity for these feelings. It will help all of the Will people to get in touch with the Mary that really was, and is, by getting in touch within themselves, with the feelings She had rather than settling for the images that have been made of Her.

The Will Polarity has many feelings in common with Mary

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because Mary was a large part of the Mother. Mary had most of the Mother essence that could align with Her gathered within Her at the time of Jesus' coming. Hope was that the Mother's essence was finally going to be lifted back into My Light again. Mary did not know this consciously though. The Mother had dropped so far down in Creation that Mary was having trouble accepting that She had, indeed, been chosen to be the Mother of a great prophet. It was not possible to get it across to Her that She was also the Mother of Everything.

I had gathered Her together with as much essence of Her fragments as could align with Us at the time in the hope that Heart's physical presence with Her might be able to get across to Her many things I wanted Her to be able to receive from Me, but the Mother had been so pressured by the gap I threw Her into when I smacked Her, that She had lost the consciousness She needed to be able to connect with many of the things Heart and I wanted to tell Her.

Mary felt that I saw Her as lacking and that I had gathered this extra essence into Her so that She would be able to handle being the Mother of a great prophet. She didn't recognize this essence as missing parts of Herself. She tried to accept this essence as helper spirits and even though She was the parental part, She gave it the upperhand much of the time because of Her feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

Most of the Mother essence in good enough shape to help Mary at that time was essence that had fragmented out of Her fairly early. This essence had not been as greatly damaged. This essence separated from the Mother because it did not have the guilt that had separated the rest of the Mother from My Light. This essence had desire to be with Mary at the time of Jesus, but it also had opinions against Mary and Her humble ways because this essence had not had the experiences of the part of the Mother which had been as denied as Mary was.

This essence gathered around Mary like an extension of Her aura. It was not used to being on Earth and Mary was not used to having so much Light around Her. Mary felt like she was barely on Earth anymore. She felt barely able to handle Herself, especially during the pregnancy with Jesus, unless Joseph or someone else led Her around by the hand. She spent most of Her time just sitting in the presence of the Light around Her.

The result of this sudden influx of Light that was not very well aligned with Her, Mary was having trouble keeping Herself together. The emotional movement necessary here was not understood and so Mary was not able to assimilate this essence as part

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What happened there imprinted Spirit in the Will as a successful, intimidating and powerful aggressor, while timidity, based on feelings of powerlessness and fear of the consequences of Our actions, was imprinted into the free expression of the Will, making Us victims forever, and so it will remain until We change it.

The Yin was already damaged, making it unable to be receptive in certain ways and now the Yang side was unable to move without manifesting the gap.It is not possible to have FreeWill when you cannot trust yourself to receive the information you need or to act appropriately in response to it. I had already been imprinted with so much force i could not withstand the power of it. I was seriously crippled by what happened here. What was lost has not yet been recovered, and the damage sustained has not yet been repaired.

I received countless numbers of imprints here and they gained tremendous power in My subconscious, both because I was unconscious and because they were implanted with such tremendous force. I wasimprinted with many images of self-blame including imprints around the theme of, nothing is as it seems and I cannot trust Myself. I was imprinted with most of what gave Me the problems I had relating to your Father after that, including, love is a brief illusion.

If it hadn't been for this, I might have been able to express to Him most of what was already troubling Me. Spirit imprinted in the Will as so many images of unlovingness that they are as many as there are people to personify them and more. Prominent among these are God-fearing people first of all, and God-hating people second because rage came later. Within the God-fearing people, there are many aspects relative to point of view and amount of awareness which run the gamut from mildly recognized fear and distrust to no trust at all and terror which personifies as accepting a God who smites people into Hell, if they displease Him, a God who strikes people, and even large populations, if He is displeased, often with little or no warning to the masses, religious figures who portray this kind of a God, offerings to an angry God, or Gods, human sacrifice, extreme discipline and punishment that will kill if necessary to get its point across, prevail, have its own way, and even all prayers that stem from the belief that you are already sinners before you start.

Spirit imprinted in the Will as an aggressive, mindless, cruel and unloving beast , as a cold-blooded, calculating killer and as a

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trickster who could strike with no provocation and little or no warning. Spirit imprinted in the Will as able to make the first strike and be successful without serious repercussions that could seriously threaten it.

The Will was imprinted deeply with powerlessness, hopelessness and paralysis in the face of aggression from the Spirit side, but We have fooled Ourselves into thinking it is alright to be without our Yang side, not only by infighting to avoid Our powerlessness with the spirit side, but also by saying We are more loving than they are because We do not go into aggression and behave as they do. Although We really do know that Our Yang side is crippled, We have hated and tried to avoid any experience that shows this to Us.

These imprints are the only experience of the light this part of the Will has ever known, other than the images held in ancient memory like a dream of what the light might have been like. These imprints have caused Heaven to be held apart as something to be hoped for later, but never, by the way, attained, and have seriously damaged the suvival instinct in the Will, both in its ability to function naturally instead of waiting for extreme circumstance before it dares to emerge, which then by reason of imprinting always manifests the gap along with it, and in Our ability to even know what the survival instinct really is.

I had been struck by a great, arcing serpent of fire and when the fire this ignited (sic) in Me finally burned out, I was left holding the charred remains. I was too damaged, too stunned, and too lost from any consciousness I had to know that these charred remains might have become Heart if they had been able to bond with the light instead of receivng a deadly blow. It had happened so fast and knocked My consciousness so far out of the way, that for a long time, I wasn't sure if it had happened at all.

A long time later, in terms of the subjective feelings I had then, I regained enough consciousness to again be aware that I was still holding onto Myself in a place where something was terribly wrong with Me . I could not remain conscious of this for long. I was going in and out of conscious awareness because feelings were the only consciousness I had and I did not want to feel. I was terrified of how I felt here.

After a long period of unconsciousness whose only touching into consciousness was pain, the pain seemed to subside enough that I began to have stirrings toward a feeling that perhaps I might be getting better, but the moment I tried to move, it did not seem

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of Herself. Mary lost a large amount of this Light when Jesus was born because of Its lack of alignment with Her. Mary thought this Light had been Jesus' Light, and although She missed it, she was also greatly relieved and felt more Herself to be released from the pressure this Light was giving the guilt She was holding.

Mary could not see how so much Light could have been meant for Her because nothing much changed in Her life. She had the feeling that with or without the Light, she could not cope with life on Earth. She still has this feeling, as does most of the Will Polarity. Mary fragmented all during that lifetime and experienced Herself as losing more and more light the older she got. She feared it was not possible to get better with age. She also judged it was not possible to live as She had lived and have the Light remain present. These feelings were augmented in Her by the opinions of the fragments that did not want to stay with Her.

There was also Mother essence gathered near Mary that could not come close enough to be attached to Mary's body in that lifetime. Mary Magdalene and most of the prostitutes were among these as well as Elizabeth, Mary's mother and most of Her friends and acquaintances. [According to the New Testament Elisheva was not Mary's mother but Mary's cousin and the mother of John the Baptist,] while We could not come any closer into alignment then because fragmentation was not fully understood, especially where it came to healing it through movement of the lost Will involved. At that time, I was trying to approach the Mother as a sisterhood. even now, the best alignment the Mother is going to be able to have for quite some time is a sisterhood, but it is going to be necessary for the parental part to be given the recognition She deserves.

The split between the prostitue and the "good" wife and mother was not a new split for the Mother and could not be resolved then for reasons of sexual guilt. Mary had plenty of it and when Jesus suggested making love to Her when She was lonely and sexually unfulfilled after Joseph's death, Mary could not accept Him at all here.

Mary had sensuality and sexuality which Her images have not been allowed to retain. Mary[ quoted in puzzle piece 47 , Mary and the Mother]:
Mary wanted Jesus to make love to Her
and even fantasized it many times,
but She was not willing to admit it...

She held Him at bay mostly because of Her fears of what would happen if there should be a pregnancy or if someone should happen to find out.
"Mary especially feared
showing Her feelings in front of others
because of Her guilt.
She greatly feared it was already obvious
how much She loved Jesus
because He embodied so much
of what She loved in a man.
Other men She knew
had denied so much of

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the softness and receptivity.
Men in those times were very rough,
especially toward women.
In spite of all the imagery that makes Jesus look effeminate,
he was not effeminate.
He was a man trying to touch the Will,
and so, He had more openness to that side of His nature
than other men in those times.

Mary also had great grief that did not move,
although it moved more than many others of Her feelings.

Her grief over Jesus' death was immense,
but Her guilt. caused Her to do Her best
to embrace the Spirit polarized viewpoint
that it was a necessary part of the plan
and that His separation from Her wasn't real.

Jesus' separation from Mary was real enough to Her,
and it was immensely painful for Her to realize,
once He was gone,
how much His physical presence had meant to Her.

"Mary also had great fears which She did not move.
Instead, She nagged Jesus with them
and told Him all of the things She heard on the grapevine
about how He was displeasing the authorities.
Jesus responded to this
by staying away from Mary more
instead of given Her the anger
[which] She needed to move Her fear

Mary took this to mean that Jesus no longer loved Her as much as the other people He was spending time with and She became a little like the popular portrait of the Jewish mother, nagging Him and accusing Him of being gay because He was spending to much time with His disciples. Guilt told Her She was not right to want His time anymore because He was a great prophet that owed His time to everyone. Guilt did not allow the true emotional expression of the fear that needed to move here.

"Mary did not allow Herself to rage either.
When Heart was pulling away from Her,
She did not give Him the rage She felt
anymore than She gave Him the depth of Her fear.
She was afraid Jesus wouldn't accept this
and so none of Us found out
what Mary was really holding here.
She did not rage at Him
for not giving Her feelings more validity
in His life either.
Instead, She tried to smile
and be the Mother
She thought She was supposed to be,
while inwardly, She judged Herself heavily
for not being good enough
to fit Her image of a prophet's mother.

"Mary expressed only a little of the emotion
She had about Jesus' impending death
other than to let Him know
She wanted Him to go away
and stop displeasing the authorities.
Mary did not rage at the disciples,
even though She saw them
as a bunch of gay-tending guys
who wanted Jesus to themselves
and who denied Her validity as a spiritual presence.
She did not rage
about the treatment of women in general
in those times,

 

 

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so, and now, in addition to the pain, I had strange sensations of numbness. I was reviving internally into some kind of awareness again, but it was an awareness of numbness and pain and not the pleasure I had hoped the light would bring. Imprinting here was, this is all I can expect from My existence.

I could not stand the sensations I was having and so, instead of focusing into awareness, I allowed Myself to slip back into a stupor, or a kind of unconsciousness, where I just wasn't choosing to move into consciousness. I did not want it if it was going to be like this.

When I finally did move toward reviving Myself, it was because I had a persistent feeling that I was going to drift into oblivion if I did not move toward enough awareness to stop it. Before I moved toward consciousness, however, I pondered this for as long as I dared because I was not sure if I wanted to live or not. I did not know who I was, where I was or what had happened to Me. It was as though I had to start all over again. More than wanting to live, I was strongly afraid of drifting into oblivion for some reason, but I did not know why.

Since I was so afraid of letting go of My existence, the only move apparent to Me was to try to know more about My existence to see if there was any possibility it could be changed for the better.

While in my stupor, I perceived, just barely, something trying to communicate to Me. I did not know what it was, nor did I ponder it. It was just there. When I regained some outer awareness, I was startled to find that this light I had barely perceived was there with Me. I was groggy and afraid to move because of pain, and I was also terrified of this light.

I could vaguely perceive this light promising it would not hurt Me anymore if I would respond to it, and saying nice things that even included other promises, but I was not impressed. It seemed to Me it didn't matter what this thing said; it wasn't going to make any difference as long as this pain persisted. I did stir toward consciousness a little bit at times, though, when I perceived what this light was saying to be a possibility that it might help Me instead of hurting Me anymore. I was desperate to get relief from this pain, but each time I moved a little toward this light, it hurt Me again.

I had wanted the Light to be, but everytime I tried to experience It, it was impossible for Me. I wanted life to be the way I dreamed it would be, and not the way it apparently was, but it appeared that if I chose life, it meant life as it was, for this light was surely there

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and showed no signs of leaving. What was I going to do? The life I wanted seemed to be only in My dreams.

A little grief moved here. but not much, and I communicated to this light that I wanted it to go away and leave Me alone since it did not feel good to Me, but when I did this, the light indicated to Me that it had no intention of going away and that if anything was going to leave, it would be Me.

What was I going to do? I did not want to confront this thing; I just tried to go internal again and not move. Perhaps this thing would get tired of nothingness as I did and go away, but it did not happen that way. Why was this thing that was so long and seemingly so reluctant in coming, so interested now in staying? It certainly wasn't acting like it was happy with Me and I had let it know I was not happy with it.

I could hear it entreating Me to come out, but I did not move toward it until I had to. Inside I still saw images of the Light I had longed for and I clung to these images in the hope that My desire could still bring this to Me. I was terrified around the question of why this light had come to Me instead of the Light I had hoped for, but I tried to focus on the positive. If this light had come, maybe light I liked better could also come and maybe it could get rid of this light.

Again I was dwelling on hoping for a rescue. As time wore on and nothing came to My rescue, this began to seem more like an impossible hope than a positive action because there seemed to be no positive action I could take to bring this to pass for Myself.

Every encounter I had had with this light had weakened My ability to believe in a positive focus and had conditioned Me more toward a negative outlook. I had many feelings that now had thoughts attached to them. I did not like most of these feelings or the thoughts that went with them so I tried not to dwell on them, but I couldn't help it. I felt trapped. With this light sitting right there like a sentry, and apparently an enforcer, I felt like a prisoner, afraid to do anything for fear of what might happen. It seemed that this light was in the power position and using pain to intimidate Me into I did not even know what, but since it had convinced Me that I did not please it, I felt like the only way out of pain might be if I could please it. I did not know how to please it though. It hit Me no matter what I did. If I moved, it hit Me, if I did not move, it hit Me.

I was already imprinted that not moving gave Me problems and that moving gave Me problems, so I had no place of

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and She did not let Her rage move
when the disciples denied Her the Book of Mary
in the Bible.

"Mary had all of the issues
of Will's held emotional charge
toward Heart and Spirit
that need to surface now,
but She didn't have enough self-acceptance
to allow them.

Mary had so many feelings in that life She felt She dare not move that toward the end of that life, She could not carry the load of them anymore.

"Starting with Herod's murdering of the babies,
which Mary heard about,
She was at odds with Me.

She strongly felt that the presence of Light and Love should not be causing so many terrible things to happen. The more the persecution of the followers of Jesus piled atrocity upon atrocity, the more Mary questioned Me.

"If this is the fruit of Your love," She would say to Me, "Why is it so bitter?"

"Mary held Her feelings back as much as She could,
but She felt a hardness and a bitterness growing within Her.
When She could take it no more, She lay down,
appearing to be frozen in grief
She turned Her face to the wall
and stayed there until She died.
Her other children thought
this was all grief over Jesus
and that She loved Him so much more than they
that She was not willing to live for them.
They did not understand the depth of Her pain
and neither did She.

"One of the last things She said to Me in that life was,
'If You are so right, why is the suffering so terrible?'

"When Mary died,
she had intense feelings of unworthiness
because She was unable to ascend like Jesus.
She took it as another bitter defeat
for those left on Earth
to have Jesus leave them so soon
while they remained unable to follow him."

"After that, Mary did not talk directly to Me for a long time.
What was left of Mary,
after all of the fragmentation that took place,
incarnated into a life
where She was tortured
worse than anyone in history has ever been tortured.
This took place in a deeply hidden subterranean room,
so far out of the public eye that history did not even record it.
[See about "Delphi" in pp47]

What came forward there was a very complicated piece of karma that heavily involved the Mother's original Cause regarding many more issues than just those She had with Heart.

"Her emotions were not allowed to move here either
because the guilt reflection She had around Her this time
reflected all of the heaviest judgments She had against Herself
for having the feelings She had.
It was self-hatred
and as a result,
every time She made even a slight sound, Her tortures were increased.

Of the many things involved, I would like to say this now.

"... Although Her rage against Herself was punishing Her
for all the charges She held against Herself,
it was also as though Her rage was saying to Me,

"What kind of a God are You
that You have got to have suffering?
If it is suffering You want,
I'll give You suffering!
If suffering is what caused You to lift Jesus up,
how much suffering will it take for You to be moved to lift Me up?
If Jesus died for Our sins,
how much suffering is necessary for You to lift all of Us up,
because We (sic) have all been left behind!"

"She relived Jesus' death
plus the tortures of many of His followers

and the Ronalokas' journey to Earth

believing I required suffering
and hoping
the most suffering possible might be enough
to move My Light into lifting You all up.
All the way through it,
She fantasized being rescued,
but it didn't happen.
She finally died, miserably defeated,
feeling that no matter
how much sacrifice and suffering was offered to God,
He was never going to help Her or Her people.
It seemed to Her that I was willing to lift the Body of a man,
but I wouldn't even ease the pain of a woman.

"Although the Mother did not have the consciousness at the time
to understand why She was being tortured so horribly,
other than that it seemed to be a secret political act,
designed to extract information She had resolved not to give,
I saw Her be [sic] sexually violated by Lucifer many times here
and I understood what was happening.

"I stood by Her, horrified, [but see p. 164]
but I was unable to do anything to save Her.
Her self-hatred and Her judgments
that hated My Light for having caused so much suffering
had the upperhand here,
and no emotional movement
that could have changed the situation
was allowed [by the victimizers].

"She also blamed Herself for Jesus' death
for many reasons which She knew,
but one She didn't know then was
that Her inability to receive Heart
made him unable to remain manifest on Earth.
[Next to this text I found a note of mine in Hebrew:
"Yet from now on : HIS compassion fills the land,-
God's compassion for Himself". - see the song]

"I hesitate to mention it,
but when this happened to Mary,
it was a major reversal against My Light
and did more to cause the Dark Ages on Earth
than any other single event.
Mary did not understand, as Lucifer did,
that Her Will was key to what happened on Earth.

"She was afraid the feelings She had here were ego
and She did not want any part of them.
She even empowered Her torturers to diminish Her
because She thought
She had become too self-important and aggrandized
as the High Priestess at Delphi,
which is who She was when Her torturers kidnapped Her.

"Her rage first took Her there to speak
what She did not speak at the time of Jesus
and when She did speak it,
Her denied fear gave Her the reflection of rejection
She had feared it would.
She then felt

 

 

p. 158

understanding within Myself to know if this light's approach to Me was right or not. The only thing I had to go on was that it didn't feel good, but then nothing in My existence so far had felt good, except what I would call My dreams or fantasies. The impression imprinting here was that that which had the power to manifest was not what I hoped for, but that which I feared and didn't want to manifest. Manifestation was already happening in reversal to My desire.

I was smoldering and in pain. I had a gaping hole where I did not remember having had such a hole before. It was not closing and there was an area of numbness around it where I was not sure I existed. Any movement near it caused Me great pain, and so it appeared it was not possible to go into this area.

As though all of this wasn't bad enough, I already had splits within Myself that were also causing Me problems. I had a presence in Me now that I had not recognized earlier. It was there like a pressure that wanted to surface and take over. It felt like another feeling in Me, but one I had not known before. While I was not articulate, this presence could talk.

I did not yet know rage, so I did not know that this was rage talking. I had rage sitting on Me now and I did not like the way it felt. It was blaming Me and telling Me I wasn't fit to be in charge of Myself and that I should let it run things. I was feeling battered from the inside now as well as from the outside.

This rage struck chords in My imprinting and this caused Me to fear this rage was right. It was acting very confident and certain. It had a powerful, take-charge attitude, while I was trembling in terror, not being able to move in any way without pain. I was cowering before the presence of the Light, and now, this rage had Me cowering inside too. There was no place for Me and My fear according to it, and there seemed to be no place for Me with this Light either.

This rage said I was wrong to be internalized the way I was and let this "thing out there" called the light victimize and therefore, intimidate Me. This rage wanted to smack this light and said I was wrong not to have smacked it. This rage said it would have smacked this light so hard it would have been so far gone it could never have come back on Me, and that I would not have the problems I was having now if I had let it defend Me by smacking the light.

This rage had Me cowering for a long time in the fear that it should be in charge of Me because it said it was right and I was

p. 159

wrong, that I was the cause of all the problems We had and that I should get out of the way and let it take over. This rage said I was a fool for having held it back when it could have hit this light the way it needed to be hit. In My recoiling terror and panicked confusion, it never once occurred to Me at that time, that if it was so much more powerful and so much more right than My fear, how could My fear have had the power to hold it back?

Being too damaged and lacking in wit to notice this, I feared that this rage was right, and that in My timidity, I had done the wrong thing. I feared that I was not right to hold the position I was holding with My fear.

When this rage said I was stupid and foolish, it touched imprints I had that I was too dim or slow to know how to move or to be able to understand things well enough to know how to move. My trust in Myself, and in everything else had been almost completely destroyed, and this rage was taking a positon of distrust and saying it was the smart position. In this rage, I felt feelings of hating Myself, and I also felt feelings of hating this rage. I did not know how to assimilate it or how to move with it.

This rage kept intimidating Me with its claims of power and rightness, and continued blaming Me for holding it back. This rage intimidated Me into thinking it was more evolved than I was because it was not subject to My limitations, which meant, subject to My imprinting. The glories of hindsight were being imprinted with new vividness here, and these imprints need reinterpreting along with all of the other imprints, because hindsight is not real. Hindsight can be helpful for learning from the past, but the dose of self-hatred for not already knowing better, which was instilled in Me by this rage, needs to be let go of along with the hatred for everything else that is blamed in hindsight. When you really understand what happened here, it will be much easier to let go of this hatred and blame than you thought it was going to be.

I listened to thisrage for a long time, wondering if it was right or not. I wondered what would have happened if I had hit this light with everything I had. I wondered if it would have made the situation better, and since there seemed to be nothing else I could do, I tried to accept the idea of this rage taking control of Me and telling Me what to do.

After all, I told Myself, if it was not right, I should step out of the way and let this rage be in charge if it knows more than I do; but I was afraid to step out of the way for this rage because I did not like the way this rage felt. It was a different feeling than