pp2b Peer Companions
[continuation of pp2]

2002_01_23; latest update: 2007_11_14

Maryam, 2002/01/23-4

We had a little celebration,
my firstborn - 39 - and me.
My only gift - the first fruit
from 3 precious passifloras
on my third level veranda,
 planted seven months ago.

The hours before, he had taught me,
to create an animated infinity symbol,
a metaphor used by Spirit
for the relation between
the outgoing electric
and the indrawing magnetic energy.

"... It is difficult to describe non-dual realities
with language embedded in dualism,
but metaphors can help.

"Original Heart is like the symbol of infinity ~
with its indrawing, magnetic, Will essence in one loop,
and outgoing, electric, Spirit essence in the other.

"At what age were you so troubled by INFINITY?"
"From as long as I can remember myself until now."

While we were working on the computer,
I heard the whizz of an e-mail coming in.
I was afraid to even look who had written.
Was it another attack from healing people?

But after I'd seen I. off to the bus station,
and pondered, why birthdays are celebrated
only for the child and not for the mother too,
I opened!

The "subject" announced:
PEERS.

It was the very first visitor to this site,
which has been open since June 2001,
who had found it by his own initiative!

And from a non-English community!

And he had written the very day of
"I don't want to talk to you anymore" !

And now I received this comfort
on the day, and at the exact hour,
of the lonely birth of my firstborn
thirty-nine years ago!

Maryam, 2002/01/27

The next letter brought a wonderful surprise!
Among the billions of people on this planet,
among the millions of people who live in Spain,
this first visitor of Healingkiss is married to the one woman from Spain,
whom I paid attention to on Godchannel Forum and, again, on Allheal,
[2007_11_22-the site has ceased to exist...]
not only because she was one of the rare "foreigners" on these sites,
but because I felt so close to her,
both to her words and to her paintings.
There were not many participants on the Forum,
who ever related to a specific info or teaching,
but she did.
I downloaded her contribution about Driving Backward,
and exactly a year later,
after I had succeeded in establishing "Healing-K.I.S.S",
I hurried up to quote it in the very first puzzle piece.

Sometime during the 12-13 months of Godchannel Forum
an art gallery was opened and accessible for a short time.
I immediately recognized the name Montserrat Moreta.
How happy and deeply touched was I
watching her Original Cause paintings one by one.
I had no idea, she didn't know English,
and needed to rely on her husband's translation.
This fact makes her even much more wondrous.
It proves, that it's not God's words on the outside,
but our re-membering on the inside that counts.
I sent her an e-mail, but it never arrived.

Then I met her a third time,
again through her paintings.
This was six weeks ago.
I discovered allheal.com.
I had just completed
"Driving Backward"
 to "retrieve goodness",
the goodness of my marriage.
Montserrat's picture "culpa"
said it all.
[See some of her paintings now on K.i.s.s.-Log October 2, 2008]

Some days later I wanted to contemplate more of her paintings.
But her site had disappeared from "Geocities".
I asked my son, he said, that happens a lot with "Geocities".
"That's why I urged you to stop building your site there."
Then I wrote an e-mail to Allheal.
"Ask Seth Cohn".
I asked. No answer.
This strange elusiveness of Montserrat proved to me,
 that I wasn't supposed to be in contact with any peer.

Has this changed now??????

But there is more to tell:

"Mont Serrat" for me is connected to the Grail
  the first station on my superhuman pilgrimage,
  last May in the Pyrenees of Spain and France.

For this reason I flew straight to Barcelona.

During my 32 hours stay there ,
in a Youth Hostel and in search of Gaudi's Sagrada Familia,
I lost my Spanish money - twice - in such a mysterious way,
 that I understood, that an experience was lying ahead of me.

I had just the money for the railway to the foot of the mountain
but not for the funicular  that lifts tourists up to the monastery.
With a backpack of 17 kg and sleeping outside in the wet cold
 I got a -small- glimpse of what was prepared for me further on.
 When I reached MontSerrat after a lonely climb of many hours,
I was utterly disappointed.

There was the black madonna,
which I had yearned to see,
sensing in her
a more appropriate image of the Mother
than in the traditional madonnas.

But the rest was a replica of any Western consumer city,
complete with the branch of a bank.

I escaped as fast as I could walk under my burden,
I wanted to hitchhike straight to the French border.
Little did I know,
that Montserrat was on my schedule
just in order to lure me into the trap -
- into meeting my destiny in Queralt [pp16b>2002/01/18-20]

.

The 'miracle- working' statue
was first called La Jerosolimitana, the one from Jerusalem.
 It is now known as La Moreneta, that is: the dark little one.
Shepherds found her - with supernatural guidance - in 890.

The painter of Original Cause is called Montserrat Moreta.
I live 25 km north west of Jerusalem.
 The name in my passport is the name of a shepherdess.

I play with symbols, maybe it's childish, but so be it.

17 days ago I touched the painful experience with a potential peer.
Today I was stunned to encounter him - 12 years later - in a RUOW photo gallery.

First I judged: "What kind of art is this?"
But then I drowned in the happy picture
of his mother's 7 sisters and 2 brothers.
Five of whom were murdered.
When I read his rethorical question:
"how would it be to have grandparents?"
an answer escaped my still closed heart:
"I, I, I could be a grandmother for you."

It was then, that I understood,
that Josef had chosen these 5 photos,
to represent his being:

A picture of his backside inside a library
"staring out the window with some hope to see God"
and a picture - inside a boat or a carawan
"scarecrow"
both show his sad humor in relating to himself.

The other 3 scenes tell the history of people he represents:
torn between that European country, the so-called exile,
where his grandparents, uncles and aunts were murdered,
and his so-called home-country, where he finds refuge
in a mystical connection to the events of 2000 years ago.

There is a saying in French:
"TOUT COMPRENDRE c'est TOUT PARDONNER"
"To understand everything is to forgive everything".

This experience came to my mind,
when I took in Josef through his photos.

Maryam, 2002/03/17; 2007_11_22

I'm happy about the "peerdance",
which we completed today,
in delightful cooperation,
my son Immanuel and I.

But the quality of this sound,
-a theme from a Sufi dance-
came out as ugly disrupted
as my attempted interactions
with my potential peers.

So today - 2007_11_22 - I insert
a true "Peer-Dance", May 3, 2003,
even if it happened only one time.
This happy 60 second experience is also the motto
of my fourfold path of Integration into Grate-Full-ness.

Maryam, 2002/03/24

"Ugly disrupted".
There's a process going on inside me,
but I was told, not to hurry with its completion.
See pp34, 2002/03/21

Maryam, 2002_06_11

I had a wondrous experience with potential peers
towards a bright future.
See pp5 today.

2000_07_15

Response to a letter from a visitor, dated 2002_06_30

Let me summarize my pain and then my decision and then let's start from scratch.

The pain is, that no one seems to be ready to follow God's openness in sharing.
The whole world is going towards transparency.
But "Ruowers" as you call them, in particular, guard their "privacy" like dragons.
Some of them even "respect" Ceanne's absurd, utterly unfeasable, unrealistic demand,
to not mention the RUOW books on the Internet.

My decision is to not even intend to quote interactions on "Healing-K.i.s.s.".
If I get beneficial input from another person,
I'll digest it until it becomes a part of me,
and then it might organically flow into my sculpting.

The name "Maryam" before a date will no longer be mentioned.
The name was the proof, that I intended and kept hoping for a whole year,
that other people would write there - though not like on a Forum - but in a sculpted form.
NOw it will be only me, - as in all my projects that aimed for PARTNERSHIP.
It's still "Heart all alone".
I'll use this immense and constant trigger for healing.

I'll quote this letter - addressed "to a visitor" - in the puzzle piece called "Peers".
Except for this,
I've left no traces in Healing-K.i.s.s. of my coping with this experience,
like I did when I faced the same kind of accusations half a year ago.
Nor do I declare my intention in "Contact",
which means, that "Contact" - with its grand expression of hope - will trigger me.
I work hard on getting it into my head and heart,
that my declared goal - - - "speeding up our healing by virtual interaction",
does not mean, that this interaction must be visable or even traceable on the site.
It was my lifelong abysmal need
to work visibly with visible peers that demanded this.

If you still want, let's start from scratch.
I don't know how. But I hope, YOU do.
Maryam

2004_10_14

Godchannel has resumed communication with us:
"Original Heart tells us that it will never again be so~~~
that complete wholeness means only one being, with no peers.
When you are doing the healing work at the world level,
it will not be a solitary affair.
The planetary or world level reflections are shared by all of humanity.
In releasing denial energy and healing gaps at this level of reality,
you will be working together in cooperation with other humans.

Towards the end of the interview with "the Folks", i.e. Spirit and Mother,
the Channelers ask a question which comprises all my yearning:


Where do we find others to work with, and how do we relate with them?

"At present there are two distinct modes of relating among humans, cooperation and competition.
Cooperation is like acceptance, it is inclusive and supportive.
Competition is like denial, it excludes and moves to surpass.
Cooperation is a reflection of love for self, projected onto peers.
Competition is a reflection of denial of self, projected onto peers.
Cooperation begets unity and understanding.
Competition begets separateness and suspicion.

"Competition in relating comes from imprinted, unmoving fear
and reenacts the superiority imprint.
When your frozen terror
of being an outcast and separate fragment
begins to move in loving acceptance,
your taste for competition will fade.
When the denial is removed
and you have lovingly accepted all of the terror,
you will feel yourself to be safe, no matter what.
It is then that Original Heart's desire for peers will naturally draw you toward cooperation.

"There have been many gaps between humans doing the healing work
because they have not yet found and moved
all of their terror about themselves as a separate fragment.
...

"Your true greatness can only be found when you can find it in all other humans as well.
You are neither superior nor inferior to anyone else.
When you find equally powerful and knowledgeable people
with strong healing intent with whom you are willing to work in cooperation,
you will know how to relate with them.
In the meantime, keep working on finding and moving your frozen terror.
Terror of being a fragment, separate, lost, and less-than
that is freely moving in your own loving acceptance [.]
[This] is the key to the energetic excitement necessary for this next part of the healing work."

This is exactly what I've been led to work on:
my terror of having no legitimate place on this planet,
of being a "disturbance", wherever I appear.

2005_07_30; last update: 2009_07_01
I discovered a new passage at the end of the teachings about the asuras:

"The loneliness
experienced by Original Heart
and in the Creation of Grandfather and Grandmother
will not happen this time in manifestation.
There are many humans
who are willing and capable
of embodying the Mother and Spirit
here on Earth
as New Heart.

"This endeavor is a collaboration between Humanity and Deity.
It is the consummation of the healing work
and the realization of Original Heart's intention
that there be not just one,
but many whole beings in manifestation~
all peers in their greatness and wholeness.

"This movement of healing into wholeness
begins with several humans working in concert with Deity.
Once denied Spirit is redeemed
and all of the lost Will reclaimed,
your wholeness then spreads quickly to others.
The further movement of wholeness spreading then
sets the stage for the realization of the Mother's Dream,
and the sudden transformation of the dominate paradigm on this planet~
so that love reigns in all encounters
and every wish truly desired is granted without delay."

2007_11_14

On the 19th of October I discovered a few new words in "Godchannel",
which made me want to insert them in this puzzle piece,
though I'm no longer updating the 70 puzzle pieces,
but add helpful information, be it from Godchannel or from other sources,
in one of the four libraries of "InteGRATion into GRATe-Full-ness",
called "Fine-tuning to my Present >I desire Peer Companionship for healing&creating"...
But when I opened this puzzle piece I felt,
that I couldn't update the pp "by the way",
but should quote it in the context of my life.


Today was finally the day, on which I felt ready.
But the very moment I sat down at the computer,
there was a knock at the door: Tzippi!


She was with her young dog, which needed to move,
and so we walked into the desert.

On our way back, close to the street in which we both live,
I said:

"I hesitate - but shouldn't we communicate about what happened between us?"

"I do not know about anything having happened, but I do feel a strangeness."

To put my experience of "No Peer Companions" in perspective,
I must mention the story of my friendship with this "Star-child".

By chance Tzippi Winkler came to visit "Rakhaf",
when Tamir, Hagai and I -erected our pyramidal tent there.
This was on July 13, 2004, and Tzippi was not yet 17 years old.
She came often, alone or with others, to the first and to the second tent.
On Dec. 4, 2004, she called me, asking if I wanted to meet her friends,
"Not just "friends" (haevre), but friends (haverim)!"

I informed her, that today I would move into a one-room flat in Arad.
"Where in Arad?"
"In Khaelmonit-Street!"
"But that's the street where I live!"
This mystical coincidence and the not less mystical encounter with her friends
let to a relationship between me and Tzippi and four other "Starchildren"

I did not feel like taking my cell-phone-camera with me, when I went with Tzippi,
I therefore inserted photos from a walk with another "Star-child" in 2005, with Dina:


I now rarely see them, since they are in the army or in "National Service".
Still, when Tzippi comes to see her parents, she also comes to see me.
And then suddenly she stayed away for 6 weeks.
There was no apparent reason on her side, but I felt hurt.

To understand those four words, one must know,
that I have limited my interactions more and more.
I have been withdrawing even from close friends.
I'm happy if nobody comes to visit me,
nobody calls me, nobody sends e-mails.
In a letter which Tzippi did send during her "absence",
she asked me, if she could bring a young German guy with her,
with whom she had become friends during her National Service
- as a supervisor in the Ein-Gedi nature-reserve.
"You know me, Tzippi", I wrote to her,
"I no longer believe in one-time or short-term meetings!"


This morning, before I knew, that Tzippi would come today,
- and I truly didn't want her to come, since I planned to work -
some memories, some thoughts made me feel "deserted":
"If not for my wonderful landlords above me,
I could die here and nobody would even notice,
at least not, until my next journey to Shoham would be due."

What an absurd feeling, it's difficult not to judge it!

'How can I desire alone-ness and then feel deserted?'
I asked myself, trying to be humerous and accepting.

Tzippi and her friend plant something in my garden, November 2006

And then came Tzippi. Some hours later I wrote about this in Hebrew

While walking with her dog in the desert,
she informed me , I informed her, it wasn't a superficial talk,
but I took care ~~~~ not to open myself,
except when I understood, that I did owe her an explanation.

We had climbed up from Wadi Khaesaed (=Grace),
and sat down on a bench in a little park above the desert.
I hoped, her dog would give us some quiet, and I said:

"When you came to me, you always drew me out!
You tempted me to be totally open!
But then, when you disappeared, I felt totally naked.
I needed continuity to feel covered and safe.
My shame, not only this time, but in times before, was such,
that now I am determined, not to open myself anymore.
Not to you, not to Ya. and not to any other friend.
And not in order to prevent feeling shame.
The shame is only there to teach me something.
What is it that I truly want?
Isn't it, as I've told you often, "a Healing Haevruta"?

[A "haevruta" is a group which learns together Jewish studies.
What characterizes a "haevruta" is, that there is no teacher,
all are equal, all teach each other and learn from each other.]

"I do not want to be a teacher or a healer any longer.
I do not want to be with "friends", who are not equal.
How ever equal they seem to be or to feel,
it always turns out, a l w a y s,
that in the shade of this huge tree nobody can grow,
no friend, no husband, no lover."
I cried, of course, when overviewing the 63 years
of having consciously "woed" peers - in vain.... "

"I neither want to be huge nor small, I just want to be me!"
Tzippi said and I realized that there was a misunderstanding between us.

"But that is IT! To be YOU!
Remember my metaphor of the puzzle:
If even the tiniest of pieces is missing in a puzzle,
then there is no puzzle.
What I seek are people who are wholly whole,
wholly accepting of themselves,
wholly themselves.
Then the comparison of big and small will be totally outdated.

"This morning I got a snail-mail letter from my oldest "friend" in Germany
with printed info about Auroville, Sri Aurobindo and "The Mother".
On November 4 Anke and her partner went to live there for a while.
The info was even relevant for me,
though I expected it to be "too spiritual",
but when I understood the goal of that community,
I asked myself in despair:
'How can anyone dare - at this time - to establish a community,
and hope that there "the new human" and "the new creation" will manifest?'
If I would go there, my very presence would "disturb" the people so much,
that everything would disintegrate into dust.
This has always happened with spiritual people.
The more spiritual they were, the more they crashed in my presence. "

Tzippi laughed:
"What a difficult task to tear down the masks".

"But it is not my task!
It is not helpful to people to discover in my presence,
that they are not yet what they thought they had become.
I do not want to play the role of making them aware.

"I want a healing haevruta in my life!
A "peership" of people who are whole in themselves,
who will never be threatened by me or anyone else.
And if I'm still unable to manifest this desire,
I prefer to feel the pain of having no friend,
instead of putting up with so-called friends."


Tzippi assured me, that she felt no blame coming from me,
she wished me to soon find the healing peers I yearned for,
and we agreed, that we would continue our friendship,
though on a different level, without my former openness.

*****

We parted, I went to the pool, I swam and sang,
I came home, prepared lunch for myself and ate,
while listening to a good lecture in 3SAT,
slept a few minutes, watered my garden,
and then sat down to use my computer diary
for "fine-tuning" to the experience with Tzippi.

When I thought - thought - I was "complete",
I opened this puzzle-piece to start the work,
which I had planned to do since October 19,
by re-reading the passage I wanted to insert.

What a surprise! What a coincidence again!


Diary October 19, 2007:

4 hours after I closed the computer and went to sleep,
I was woken up brutally by the automatic restart of the computer,
[because of a software installation the evening before].
I couldn't fall asleep for two hours after that annoyance.
.............................

......So in the night I had some coping to do – not much -
with getting off my righteousness,
and this was the feeling of true freedom.

Then my thoughts wandered to my problem,
if after all I should be more compassionate with Ya., Di. and Ja.,
and even with Fe., De., Na. and Ga.,
"what about all my training in khaemlah (compassion) last year?"
And the contradiction became stringent,
between compassion towards people
and ~~~~~~ " P E E R S H I P "
(a word I want to invent now, since 'partnership' has become such a 'tired word')

I turned to "God" and said:
"I'm still so grateful, that you sent that comforting
'Letter from God to those doing the Healingwork'!
Can't you send me more of this?"
Finally – since the computer was already on -
(only now I see YOUR intention with this technical "annoyance"!)
- I got up with the determination to at least read that Letter again.
I didn't come far, when I saw a word, with a link, that I didn't remember.
I looked closely, I compared with the file in Edited Godchannel Files,
and indeed it was new [see the big fonts in the following quote].

"Eventually there will be many separate humans on Earth
embodying the Father of Manifestation and the Mother of Manifestation.
as they realize the intention of Original Heart.
And they will not be competitors,
they will be allies and cooperators

There are links from "Original Heart" to .bodyclass
and from "cooperators" to the first interview with the folks, .folksinterview (Sept. 2004)

I was stunned!
When I had checked the page in 2005, these changes were not yet there!
So have YOU put it there only now, and especially for me?
To comfort me?
Still, how should I behave toward potential partners like Ya'acov., Diana, Janina?
Should I help them "grow in my womb"?
Should I repeat Moses' mistake towards Josua?
[Before the battle with Amalek - Exodus 17:9- Moses said to Josua:
"Choose people for us!"
and the Talmud explains: "He didn't say "for me", he said "for us",
thus making Josua equal with himself."]

This was the answer:

"You have done this over and over and over again all your life.
You must wait,
but try to be as little in contact with them as possible
in order not to hurt them unnecessarily.
You've made a mistake with Ya'acov,
you shouldn't have proposed that 'daily healing talk' via "Skype".
how could he react to that?
He wanted it, but neither was he ready for it.
Every single time you take an initiative, you make a mistake.
Also in the case of ...
Let go, for "Heaven's Sake", let go of every single person in your life,
your ....
yes be compassionate, but don't get involved,
do not want anything for yourself.
And if you want to say anything at all, don't do it by e-mail or on the phone.
You are allowed to be elusive and evasive,
so as to guard a formal friendship with its history - for some future.
They cannot grow in your shade.
Let go even of your hopes for D&E.
Your peers and cooperators may come from somewhere else."

"But when?"

"I don't know when, but I know you/we will experience is,
just like it is said in the last passage of Original Heart in .bodyclass"
and in my Letter to those doing the healing work"
(I remember August 2000- when I was living with my son at Shoham and receiving your message!):

"Among the makers of humanity are those of you
who are doing this healing work~
manifesting your own healing into wholeness,
and by extension, the healing of all Creation.

"They will be allies
because each of them will recognize
the value of having peers,
true friends
who have also realized their own wholeness.
And they will choose the values of wholeness, cooperation and equality of being...
over the values of superiority and the power-over paradigm
that superiority and belief in hierarchy hold in place.
When the fundamental gaps in the Heart of Creation are healed,
there will be no superiority in manifestation, no hierarchy...
only greatness and grandeur of being for each human manifestor,
each maker of their own salvation."

Another sentence has changed:
"You will experience a great increase in personal power
as you near wholeness,
and there may be a temptation
to assert yourself and your rightness
against the power structure around you.
But this will be unnecessary,
and for the first few,
important to avoid entirely.
You will be able to 'slip through the cracks'
of the matrix of the dominant power-over paradigm on Earth
because you will have nothing to say and nothing to prove.

But that's exactly what I desire:
"immediate peers in healing".

So insert your desire in the file-name of a page on your Healing-K.i.s.s.!

So far my diary on October 19.
Today, after the communication with Tzippi,
for which we both thanked each other,
I shall no longer yearn for "peers who are equal",
but for PEERS in HEALING
who have realized their own wholeness
[see also the last page of "Das Herz ist wach"]

2010_03_19
Read the messages from Starchild-Global, both in 2006 and in 2010!