"What I mainly feel now, is, that I want to ask for forgiveness."

"I, the founder of the Succah,
and the one who left it,
in order to apply and exemplify
one of the 3 laws I discovered,

which allow the preservation
of the SPS Desert Resource,
the law,
that no one can own a Succayah,

"I was the only person on this planet,
not allowed to be a guest of the Succah.

And why? Because - as Avi said -
"you would be like a Dalai Lama
sitting on the Hill of the Angels' Flight,
and people would flock and
gather around you in devotion."

Gadi shut up
and Efrat drove me
and waited in front of the little bench.

I ran to Avi, who had already packed his car,
waiting for me.

I pointed over to Efrat.

"Not now, not now, I've no time".
"But Avi, you promised, and it's urgent",
and I told him of the historical meeting
planned for August 4.

And so it happened, before we set out for our long ride,
that Efrat and Avi met, talked,
standing by the little bench.

Two days later they met for an hour
in the lobby of the little town's hotel.
"My intent is mainly to listen to his grievances",
Efrat told me, and so she did.

Avi parted from me, full of good intentions.
But more had to be learnt from this conflict.
That's why it exacerbated - or so it seems .

All my pleading didn't help,
Gadi and Avi
who could not cope with each other,
grabbed the knees of this planet's
"Legal System".
They had given up on themselves.
They had sold out to victimhood.

p.94

try not to frighten it.

I began to dislike Myself for My response there and wish I could have reacted another way. I hated Myself and did not know it there. I hated the feeling of hating Myself and did not want to notice it. I couldn't handle the feeling that this might never happen again, and that I had already ruined My chance to have this experience.

Even if He, as this feeling of My encounter now seemed to Me, returned, He wouldn't be unscarred by this, of that I was sure. I began to worry obsessively that I had not done it right and did not dare to look for Him, because I was sure that would not be right, either.

He must be willing to come back, and I must not let Myself be startled and frighten Him away again. I must know Him this time and be able to recognize Him too, but how was I going to be able to do that?

It was only a momentary feeling there. Perhaps it had never taken place at all, and I was only making it up because I so much wanted something to happen, especially something that felt good. What if He felt good to Me, but I didn't feel good to Him, or He thought I didn't feel good because of the way I had reacted to Him?

What could I do to get another chance? Could I look for Him? No, that would not be right. Could I try to attract Him and let Him know that I liked Him and wanted Him to come back? I decided that might be alright. I put ot a call. I tried to let Him know from the deep yearning in My being that I longed for Him and wanted Him to come back.

There began to be many sounds around Me then, and I did not know where they had come from. I began to fear that He would never find Me in this sea of sounds. He did not know My signal, and I did not know His. How could He ever find Me? How could He even hear Me?

I made no soundthere. I did not know how. I did not like the sounds I heard. I did not want Him to think they were My sounds or to mix Me in with them. Then I began to fear that these were his sounds, and that I did not really like Him; only the feeling I had had of encountering and touching Him.

I had to have the experience again in order to know, but how would I know if it was HIm or not? There were so many sounds now. How could I know which one was Him? I could only remember how He felt and how I had felt in response to Him. That was all I had to go on, and was how I would have to recognize Him.

p.95

There was nothing more. There was nothing more for so long again that I sank into a deep depression and did not want to try to live anymore. I hesitated to think that there was only one chance for Me and that I did not take it in the right way, but that was what it was feeling like. The feeling was growing, and I was dissipating. I had no desire anymore. If I could not love Him, there was nothing.

p.97

....
Instead, I had choked on My own feelings not moving and didn't know they had to move for Me to find any words. I didn't have any self-acceptance. I had never found it originally. My entire focus had been outward; longing and looking for something to fill My emptiness, and now that things were there, They didn't love Me or even want Me to be included in any way. I was only emptiness, a longing for My emptiness to be filled by something other than Me and feeling responses that did not feel pleasant when My emptiness was not filled the way I wanted it to be.

No wonder They didn't want anything to do with Me! I hated Myself even more. I was falling away from Them now and took it all on Myself that I was the cause of My own downfall. I was the One who had reacted the way I did and made Him feel rejected. I was the One who had not gone after Him, or even made Myself clear when I had found Him just now. I was the One who had obviously made too much of Myself there. I was not important to Him the way I had hoped I was.

p. 24

as far as what I would now call the womb in purple when I was shocked to be clamped down and held there like a prisoner in the terror that I could not even vibrate up any farther. I felt so clamped down on that there was no possibility of expressing anything there. I felt desperate to express emotions in response to what I felt happening there, but I could not get anything to the expression center, not that I knew where that was, but I could feel that it was a certain place, up past the heart area.

I felt held back, pushed down, compressed, suffocated, terrified and jealously enraged in response to what was happening to me there, but that was not what I originally wanted to express and not what I would have expressed there if I could have once gotten through that.

I could see the face of another woman, a face that was many faces, too, above me, who looked intimidatingly beautiful, and who was in the position I most wanted to have, which was the loving presence with the male energy there. I wondered who I thought I was that I could think I had any business at all feeling like I should even try to be there, but I did not like another presence in the place I wanted to have, and that was all I could think of in the midst of the terror and terrible feelings of entrapment I was experiencing. I felt like nothing about my presence was being made welcome there. I felt trapped, silenced, ignored and hidden, as though my presence was not even going to be recognized there. This felt terrifying to me, as though the she who had clamped down on me was going to suffocate me to death without even letting anyone know I was there.

When I could not move upward, or even move at all, going back down became all I could think of; wishing in the terror from the bad experience I was having that I had never left home. Horrible as it was there, this was even worse, because the light felt so tantalizingly close, and I was not being allowed to reach it or make my presence known in any way. It became, "anything to get back out of these feelings," but I didn't really want to leave, either. I wanted to be included in her place, even though that seemed irrational, since I could see room for only one woman who was clamping down on me so hard I felt she surely meant, "one woman here and you are not the one." I was going to suffocate to death in there, and she would not let up.

I managed to pull back out of there, but I felt that I had left more of myself behind than I wanted to leave trapped like that. When I felt into myself, I could not stand to leave that part of myself there.

p. 25

When I pulled back, she seemed to relax a little, and I wondered why the part of me that I had left in her didn't take that opportunity to leave and come back to me, but it could not get free of her. There was so much going on that I did not know how to handle the situaton, but I feared most being seen as uninvited, unwanted and unwelcome there. Still, I had to reach back for those parts of me, fearing they were already too suffocated to move back toward me.

When I reached back for myself, she must have felt it, because she clamped quickly down on me. I was trapped again and confused now as to whether this part of me did not want to leave purple or whether she was doing this herself. The idea that part of me would want to stay someplace that felt this terrible made me fear I was sick and terrible in my neediness to be near this if I would stay someplace no matter how it felt.

My feeling of being trapped was being amplified by so many thoughts and feelings flooding me there and so much going on to stimulate this that I felt like purple was an overload for me and that I should go back down if only for that reason, yet, I could not quite let go and instead, discarded those feelings in favor of the feelng that I had to stay, but for what reason I did not know anymore. It was as if I had gone blank mentally there. I did not know where those feelings and ideas had come from so quickly, except that I knew I got attached to things and did not let go easily, "or you wouldn't even be in purple," a voice seemed to be reprimanding me.

I repeated this trying to pull out and then having to go back several times. Each time I felt some relaxation on the clamping down, I tried to go back in there and get that lost piece of myself, but each time she felt me there, she clamped down again, and it felt to me like I managed to pull back out of there with even less of me.

I was frightened by this and had the thought that she was stealing something from me that she was going to use later, and I was not going to like the results. I didn't know whether to go and give up on this piece of myself, or stay and still try to get it. When going back down would seem like the only possibility, I would no sooner start to go back down when it would seem like somethng was calling to me, and I hoped that it was but feared it was only because I so much wanted to feel included and not left out and rejected the way I was feeling there.

Each time I turned to go back, however, I felt more frightened and hopeless abaut the situation there for me, because it looked like another woman in the place I most wanted to have, and each

p.99

......I wanted to be sure, and I needed Him to move or say or do something to let Me know it was Him. He was not doing anything. He was only looking at Me to see what I was going to do first. I must have drifted away from Him in My hesitation, or He left Me, not being sure this time, either, because I soon lost Him again in the misty sea of essence.

I hated Myself even more this time than I had the first time. How many opportunities was I going to get and not know what to do with them? I fell to a place even blacker than the one before, and there was nothing again for a long time.


I have to pass through this story again. It was only a momentary encounter, but so much happened there that I cannot give it all at once without it seeming both overwhelming and so much longer than the momentary encounter it really was at the time.

It did not matter how long it had taken for Him to come. Now that He was there, I felt excited, as if I had been renewed. I felt His presence immediately as something new and sexually exciting, too, I would like to say. I cozyed up to Him and rubbed up against Him. It felt good, it came naturally and was My way to let Him know that He felt good to Me and that I wanted Him there. I wanted to drink in the feeling of it after so long a time of feeling nothing but what I had been feeling there, which was not good.

The dark inkiness inside of Me felt like a night to which He was going to bring day. I felt an upsurgeance of excited consciousness that I had not known before. I was shocked by this and wanted to ask Him a lot of questions. For some reason, I felt sure He was going to have the answers.

I wanted to know if He was a part of Me or not. Had He been there all along and I had not known, or had He just come? I wanted to know where we were and where We had come from and if there was anything beyond this large feeling of nothingness that I had had for so long. Was the darkness all there was and He was light in it, or were there other places full of light that He had known? I had

p.100

a huge backlog of feelings and questions without answers and was only just then able to realize it.

I wanted Him to be interested in My questions, too, and help Me seek answers to them, but it appeared He was not. He seemed exasperated that I even had them and backed away from Me as though He wasn't interested in Me. He reacted to Me as though He thought I was interrogating Him with suspicion, but He did not say that or admit to it when I questioned Him.

I had pulled for so long from My desire for something to be there with Me and to help My lonely efforts to understand My situation. I was crestfallen. I didn't want to have to pull on Him to talk to Me. ....
This wasn't the reaction I wanted; not now that I finally had someone there I could pose My questions to and the sudden awareness and means by which to do it! Besides, the questions seemed to appear when He did; why wasn't He interested in them?

I wanted Him to communicate with Me about this, do everything with Me, be excited, frightened, laugh, cry, touch, rock with Me, gently, as if on a raft in a sea of infinite pleasure, move together, writhe, wriggle, shudder, quake, scream, jump with enthusiasm over this great event, dance and whatever esle came to Us there, all at once. I didn't have any order in mind. I was excited and overwhelmed and was trying to just let it happen, but He seemed to have something else in mind.

He wasn't acting interested in any of My feelings or My questions about them. He seemed to want Me to focus on something specific He wanted Me to do there, or do with Him there, but the more I tried to quiet Myself down and focus on the physical sensations He was indicating He wanted to go into there, the more these questions and feelings became an uproar inside of Me. What was happening there to Me was so exciting and overwhelming, I could not seem to focus the way He wanted Me to.

I was embarrassed by this and hated Myself, as though there was immediately something wrong with Me that I could not make Myself focus on what He wanted to do first there. I wanted to go into these sensations with Him, also. They were sweeping Me away into Him and were very pleasant but while they were very pleasant sensations and I was letting Him know that I liked them and that I wanted Him to give Me more of them, He was also overwhelming Me with them and frightening Me. I didn't know what was going to happen to Me

p. 26

time I saw her, I saw a much fuller vision than I had seen of her the time before. She was looking more and more vividly formed in the ways I wanted to be formed there, like a beautiful, purple flower with a gorgeous face. She smelled intoxicatingly exquisite, looked gentle, feminine and luscious to hold. She looked like everything I wanted to be and felt I never could be; not anymore. She was gently undulating, like flower petals in a gentle sea. It was not possible to take my eyes off of her. I was transfixed, and so she saw me there.

I felt like the lowest of maids who had gone into the queen's chamber unbidden and should not have stayed to get caught. I must have been gaping with my mouth hanging open, because she kind of smiled and laughed, as if to say, "What are you staring at?"

I felt very awkward and ugly in her presence. I felt like she did not want to have to notice me or have me there in any way and would only clamp down on me if I did try to come in. I felt like I was a fool not to have already interpreted her clamping down as a clear message that I was not wanted there. She did not say anything to help me with this confusion or misunderstanding, if it was one. She only stared back at me. She must be only taunting me when she relaxes [sic] to see if I will be foolish enough to come back in there so she can trap even more of me, I feared.

To my surprise, she accused me of trying to steal from her and pushed me out rather quickly. Still I did not go back down. I decided to stand my ground, at least until I could get to heart. I was really longing for heart now and could feel something of his presence there, but he did not seem to be with her. "... I just wanted heart's comforting presence, and I wanted it now!

I lost it to a feeling of rage then... since I felt so ugly, I didn't think it was being said to me, and so I feared I must be the one saying such things as, "You look pretty, but you feel terrible, like a heartless queen who won't let anyone else be here with you."

"Oh, and why do you want to be here with me?"

"I'm looking for my child and my man," I told her. "I feel like you know where they both are and are not letting me find them."

p. 27

She looked at me as if she knew nothing about the experience I had just been having and said, "The only man here is my man."

I was ashamed of myself and really frightened then that I could have thought she had taken my man, but I had the persistent feeling that she had and that I was never going to get him back. I was too terrified to ask her any more about that. "And my child?" I said.

"There is no child here," she said.

I was terrified that heart had now gone to some place where I was never going to find hm. I was shaking with rage, grief and terror but could not speak. I cried out with an anguished sort of cry. She did not like it and made a face that let me know it. I didn't like the feeling of being inside of her and not really being allowed to be there. I was imprisoned. She looked at me as if I was only a child in her womb and did not take me seriously. I hated that, but I feared her also.

"Imprisoned you?" she said. "You are free to go any time you want to." This wasn't true, though, because I needed to go with all of me if I was going to go, and she would not let me talk to her about this. Every time I tried to rise up to her expression center so I could say something to her, she shoved me back down again saying, "Go if you want to go. I told you already, you are free to go." I tried to move rage as sounds then, and she shut that down, too.

I found words then, and she did not like them, either. "I don't like it that you are taking my place and won't let me say anything about it!" I blurted out. I was immediately filled with terror. How could I presume to know that? I just wanted it to be my place.

"You just want it to be your place," she reflected to me immediately.

I couldn't say anything more to her about it, because the male presence there was being drawn to my presence, and she turned her attention now to him. He looked like my man, but he was a lot more mature looking. He could feel my presence; I knew it because he kept going to the area where I was, .. she kept looking over his shoulder, as if there was another man present who wasn't going to like this at al.

I tried to say, "Let me see the other man in case he is my man," but she would not let me say anything at all. I gave her an angry look then, because I didn't like the way she was handlng this. I just wanted to come straight ahead and find out what was really going on there, and when she wouldn't let me, I wanted her to do it, and

p.101

there, or where this might be taking Me. It was so fast!

I wanted Him to reassure Me and go a little slower, but He seemed annoyed with Me, as if I wanted to hold HIm back and didn't have faith in Him or trust Him there. I coudln't give up to Him, He said. He was behaving as though He was going to leave if I did not move His way immediately.

[Rafael on November 4, 1960 in Jerusalem: "Haendchen halten gibt's bei mir nicht" ....]

I did not know how to respond to Him. I did not want Him to leave. I only wanted Him to help Me understand what was happening to Me there. I did not want to move past My own sense of caution that was beginning to arise in Me in response to His behavior, but I also did not want to discourage Him and cause Him to leave Me.

[In my case it was not fear of him leaving me, but terror, that he was a Jew and I a German, 15 years after the Holocaust: "How can I refuse him?"]

He was acting angry already, and I did not know what to make of that, His rage frightened Me. I decided I had better do what He wanted Me to do there, but I couldn't seem to do it the way He wanted Me to. I showed Him so many faces there, trying to please Him and made so many moves hoping they would feel good to Him and that He would like Me that way. Something did not feel good or right thee.

He said it was pleasure, and pleasure could not be wrong. He said it was My resistance that was the unpleasant part. I felt so wrong there. I imprinted that He was right. He did not seem to be overwhelmed the way I was. He seemed to know what He was doing. I imprinted that He must know better. I tried to give in to Him, but the more I tried to focus the way He wanted Me to, the more the uproar seemed to increase and gain in power to distract Me. It was becoming louder and louder and more and more demanding and intrusive.

I did not like it and wanted it to go away, but it would not. I wanted Him to make it go away, but He could not make it go away, either. It only seemed to get worse the harder we tried to make it go away. It seemed now to be all around Us as well as inside of Me. He looked at Me like it was my fault. I felt ashamed in front of Him, as though I had failed Him and had made Us both lose something precious that could never be recovered between Us.

He told Me it was the first bloom of His love, and I had not plucked it in time. Now it was gone forever, and there would never be another first one, only a second one, which would not be the same. I feared He was right. I felt terrible. I cried and cried, hoping that what was lost was not really lost. I was hoping He would comfort Me and tell Me that We could find it and try again, but after a long time of nothing from Him, I suddenly noticed He was gone.......

p.102

......
If He had succeeded, why didn't He come back? I tried to avoid this question. I coudln't face My feelings there. I didn't want Our love to be only a fantasy in My own mind and Our encounter meaningless to Him, or worse, distasteful.

I feared that I knew why He left Me. I was terrified that I was inadequate in every way, especially sexually. It was a terror I had had for so long. I could not hide it or hold it back when He came. My terror had come forward in His presence, and He had not liked it. There was so much of it. It was everyplace He tried to go in Me.

I was terribly ashamed that I could not hold back My terror. It was there every time He touched Me. I could not say anything to Him about it. I was much too terrified, and He was not receiving it the way I wanted Him to, which was terrifying Me even more. I was sure He hated it, hated feeling it and hated Me, but I could not do anything to help the situation. Terror was overwhelming Me....

I became frightened that it was not right to have the feelings I had, or not right to show them. I wished I had different ones. I felt severely dysfunctional and not worthy of the light of day. ...

I was so ashamed of Myself that I could not look at it for a long time. I had foolishly thought that I could bring Myself forward, and He, My fantasy relationship, would understand, help Me out of this place of horribleness and love Me.

What a tall order! That was not the response He had! He didn't give me the just let it happen (sic) and We'll get to the accept, comfort

p. 28

she wouldn't do it, either. My feeling was that if she would just mention the other man, there shouldn't be any problem in straightening this out because if she wasn't going to let me be a part of her there and there had to be two of us instead, then it seemed only right that there should be two men now, too. She didn't seem to like this at all and wanted both men to get all in one place, as though there was only one man, just for her.

Fine! I could handle that, but not if she wasn't going to let me be a part of her, a meaningful part, not just a used part, to get the man, I might add! That enraged me! I told her, "Get out of the way, and let me handle it."

She told me, "I know better than you how to handle this. I have more experience. I was here first. How dare you come pushing your way up now and start telling me what to do!" and pushed me down even harder then.

She sounded so much more reasonable, articulate and less emotional . I felt really guilty then, and in my vulnerability there, I let her push me down and feared I did deserve it, remembering then that I hadn't been invited. I did not know whether to run and hide, go back down or throw myself shamefacedly on her mercy and beg forgiveness. Rage and pride refused to do the latter, and pretty soon, I was simmering in a rage that could not move. There was no time to implement the other possibilities before I found myself embroiled in a fight in purple, as though I had gotten stuck in a place I could not leave now.

I heard screaming streams of words then and did not know who was screaming them. It did not seem like me saying them, but from the things that were being said, I was afraid that I could be, and probably must be, the one screaming them, although it sounded like a male voice. "You have called me and called me, and now you are not letting me in! Over and over, you have drawn me to you sexually and never delivered, until now I am so backed up I am not going to take "no" for an aswer! I've had enough of this pull me to you, push me back! You say you don't want me, well I'm going to show you that you do and make you see that you really do want me!"

This rang so familiar I cringed at this, but I could not quite place it in my mind yet. The voice went on, "Give me the response I want here, or I'm going to make you wish that you had! I want full reception and a look of ecstasy on your face! I want to hear you cry and beg for me to come into you the way I want to come into you! I don't want to hear any more excuses about not now, maybe later!

p. 29

Or how you aren't sure if you want to go this way! Aren't sure if you want to take that position! Aren't sure if you really called me! Don't think that you really did call me! Didn't call me! Weren't really calling me! It isn't really me that you were calling! I'm not the one! Maybe if I was different, you would want me! Maybe if I was more the way you wanted me to be, you would want me!"

"But all of those things are true," she demurely said there. I was so stunned by having the feeling of having been slapped in the face several times during this, even though it did not seem to quite really be my face saying these things, or getting slapped, that I could not say anything more after this rage stopped talking, which it did not do for quite some time. This rage didn't at all have the tone I would have wanted it to have there, either.

The other male who was apparently there was being belittled, too, with screams of, "You can't get it up. You're too much of a prude! You give her the promise, and then you never deliver and won't let me deliver, either! You're not going to hold me back anymore! I'm not going to take "no" for an answer anymore from you, either! If you think you're going to be able to have her now, you can have her when I'm done with her! And you're never going to be able to satisfy her here the way I'm going to! She's always going to be wanting me! Wishing for me! Fantasizing that I'll be the one to come and take her to the place she wants to go! You had your chance! You're impotent, and you know it! You just didn't want to let anyone else know! You backed me up until I couldn't do anything else but this, and now I'm the one she's always going to want!"

He was putting her in all sorts of sexual positions that she wasn't taking to [sic] by the look on her face and the sounds of the screams she was making, but I wanted him in all of those ways, and she wasn't letting me say a word about it. He was grabbing her in all sorts of ways and touching her really deeply the way I wanted to be touched.She was screaming at him to stop and saying that she didn't at all like what he was doing there, but I was getting more and more excited and more and more open to him. I sure hoped this was my man, because I was sure responding to him like he was, but what was I going to be able to do abut it? I was trapped inside of her, and she wouldn't let me up into her face to say anything to him or even into her heart to try to touch him there.

He had her on her stomach and was really giving her what I had wanted and needed for so long. I almost orgasmed, when he suddenly flipped her over saying, "Let me see your face!"

p.103

help and understand part [sic] that I really wanted there, or the rescue and lift Me up part of My fantasies, either, before He was gone. He barely touched My terror and got out of there as quickly as He could.
........

I feared I had no choice but to wither in shame and self-hatred in the darkness. I could not even show Him how ashamed I was of My terror and of how bad it felt there. I thought it meant that I was bad, but I didn't know how bad I really was there. When My feelings of how much I wanted Him and wanted to hold Him there with Me and not let Him go if He came back again were judged against, they twisted into something that did try to get a hold of Him an a way that did not feel good to Him.

He said that I tried to trap Him, but I did not see it that way;

p.104

so much so that I did not even think this really was His interpretation or why He had left Me.

I had embarrassed Myself sexually with Him. I was not excited by His touch the way He wanted Me to be. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't move fast enough or the way He wanted Me to. I was too held back, inhibited and uptight. I was no fun. I was not light-hearted and gay the way He wanted Me to be. I was not carefree and happy. I did not have the right feelings or make the right sounds. I frightened Him instead of thrilling Him. He did not like His experience with Me.

......

I wanted to go to the noises We heard coming from all around Us when We tried to come together sexually, see what was happening there and see what would satisfy them so that I could feel at peace to focus on Him. In the exuberant love of My new love (sic),

p.105

I wanted to show others how much this relationship had uplifted Me, with the idea that it might also help them. Just feeling that seemed to make the sounds around Us escalate. I hoped it was because these sounds wanted Us to come to them in that way.

I had wanted Us to go together . Some of them sounded only frightened, sad and lost, and I wanted to go to them. Some of them sounded discordant, disconcerting and intrusive to Me, as though they were feeling left out and angry, even threatening. I wanted Us to go together to show them relationship as an idea for their happiness, but I also wanted to go together because I didn't know what We would find out there, what it would be like. If they really were dangerous, I did not feel like I would know how to handle them by Myself.

Ii had the impression that He had agreed to go with Me. When I started to move, He was not there with Me. Apparently, I had moved one way, and He had moved another. I looked and looked for Him, not believing He had gone without Me. My heart broke, and He never responded to My cries or came back to Me again for a long time.
.....

His interpretation of Me never allowed Him to trust Me enough to tell Me anything there, only guard Himself from Me. He built a fortress around His heart and never opened it to Me again.
[Ya'acov...]
.....
He said He just needed more time to handle His affairs, and that He was trying to quiet down the uproar around Us that wasn't letting Us have the relationship we wanted to have, or I wanted to have, as I look back on it now. That was even the reason He gave

p.106

for the stone fortress, once it became His dwelling place; to shut out the uproar.
.....
I allowed Him to treat Me as though I was guilty as charged, without even ever really knowing what the charges were. Even when He didn't know what it was about Me that He distrusted so much because the imprinting was put in place so long ago and was so buried that He, HImself did not know what it was, He still acted out on Me as though He knew exactly what He was doing, and I suspect He often did, whether He let Himself notice it or not.

I feel ashamed now to look back on this. How silly I must have looked to not have known how He viewed Me and to have been

p. 30

At first he couldn't read it, and then he said, "See! You like it, so stop acting so disgusted and admit that you really want it!"

She softened for a moment, and he believed it and Spirit did, too, apparently. I think she felt me then, because I certainly had it going on.I would have given anything in that moment to get up into her heart and face and scream at him, "It's me, don't you recognize me? don't let her fool you! She stole these feelings you're feeling in her from me! I'm trapped in here!"

It couldn't happen, though. She had too much of a clamp on me [sic], and whenever she relaxed it a little, he felt me there and came after her even more. How was anyone going to be able to straighten this out now?

There was no time to try to make it happen, though. He flipped her over again, screaming, "Turn your lame ass over! I'm going to show you what sex is really about!" He drove into her again, pounding toward his own orgasm, while she screamed at him that he was a beast and that she was going to hate him forever for this.

When he had had his orgasm, and I had had mine, I'd like to add, he turned her back over and studied her for a few moments. When she still kept screaming that she hated him over and over, he seemed to lose control of his rage, and I was so afraid I had done something really wrong that I was cowering in dread of him; so much so that I fear I may have lost a moment there where I might have been able to make him see me somehow when he was studying her face, but it was all moving so fast for me that I wasn't able to get to her heart or to her face, speak or make him feel me anymore.

Before I had time to do anything, I felt myself to be hit and punched several times in the belly, where I was mostly located, and heard the woman screaming, "Stop it! you're hurting me! You're insisting it was you I was calling when I do not even want you. I wasn't calling you! You're not what I want here!" Then more, "Stop it! Stopy it!" which was disregarded, and then, " I hate you! You don't respect me! You don't respect my limits! You don't care what happens to me! You don't love me! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

This was accompanied by more orgasmic sounds, which convinced me she had to be enjoying it, because I felt them in the womb, but I couldn't make her admit it. I was already starting to lose consciousness in there again. I was able to vaguely wonder why she didn't just stop it and tell him she wanted the other man and let him see me, because I did want him. I felt sure that if he just knew I loved him, he wouldn't be enraged anymore, but just then,

p. 31

I felt heart come into the womb there like he was coming to me, and I became confused all over again.

She was still insisting that she didn't enjoy it and the more she denied her enjoyment there, the more enraged this male was becoming. I wanted to see the other male, if there was one, but I couldn't see him from where I was. Now there was fear there, too. If she didn't feel it, I had plenty of it, because he didn't look, feel or sound like the one who had started there with her. It looked, sounded and felt like he had turned into a raging beast of the sort that did not let me know if he was going to kill me or not. I knew heart in this place, and I was terrified of it.

I could hear the woman screaming, "I hate you! I hate you both," as though something had happened I wasn't aware of, and then more rage telling her she wasn't right to have more than one man and more screams of, "Oh, yeah I'll show you who hates who here! I hate you1 both of you, and I want both of you to get out of my way!" I was already afraid that I was being deeply impacted by this light in ways that I was not sure I was ever going to be able to get back out of myself, and I was filled with terror again about it.

I felt myself being severely pounded on again. Now they were both beating us up, pounding on us, tearing us apart and raging, "You're not going to keep anything of me if you feel that way," and then suddenly, I felt ripped out of there, as if the hand of an unloving doctor had just torn her womb out. He had ripped a large piece of what I had trapped in her out, but I did not like the way he had done it! I was in suffocated terror, agony and then shock. Why did he have to do it this way, and why was he calling it his?

Where I had separated from her already, in horror of what was happening, I could not look, but I experienced vivid womb pain that felt ripped from both her and me and experienced him as a ghoul (sic) about to eat this part I had been trying so hard to recover there. I was quivering in terror, which seemed to be causing this so vulnerably exposed essence to drip there as if with blood, and I was extremely distressed about the loss of every drop, because I did not want to lose any parts of myself in these kinds of ways. He held me up, as though he were about to drop me into his large open mouth and then seemed to change his mind, as though he did not want this inside of him.

I could hear screams of pain. They sounded hysterical and far away from me. I felt closely examined as if I was being probed for something. I feared heart was going to be taken from me. The feeilng of "I'm not going to be allowed to have anything!" shot

p.107

guiltily behaving as I was, accepting crumbs and trying to please Him, not anger Him. Others must have known how He saw Me. They laughed with Him behind My back, I'm sure, now that I know how many of Their jokes had additional meanings I did not get at the time.

I laughed at Myself many times there when They made fun of Me. How They must have hated Me when I laughed as though I saw Myself as They saw Me and did not know what They were really laughing about. As much as He pretended to love Me and that all the anti-female jokes were only humor, the hatred showed when He had sex with Me. It was brutal, hard and mean, and then He left Me, pregnant. He did not care how I felt about it, and for so long I did not know I had the wrong him there (sic). Rage was all he was, denied rage, in fact. When the split came and rage was denied, He never let Me know it, and he never let Me know that he was not all there was.


HEART NEEDS TO KNOW

I want to let you know what happened there. It was not pleasant, but you need to know anyway, because Heart had a presence there that has never been able to heal because of not knowing what happened. And I could not heal, because I did not know what happened there, either. Now that I know the Father's side, I have an understanding I never had before of My own experience there.

Before, I could never understand why He did as He did there. I thought He was heartless, ruthless, cold and terrible. I hated Him for what He did to Me and loved Him for what I felt there that I wished could have moved Him to have the relationship with Me that I wanted to have.


p.108

......

I never moved terror, either, He never let Me feel that He would stay there with Me if I did. That was my original imprint with Him; that He left Me because of My terror. Heart was caught in the middle of Our split. I felt so bad for Heart to be born into such a dysfunctional situation where it was not possible for Heart to be parented the way I wanted Heart to be parented.

Heart's embryonic state had opened to Me in many ways; internal communication, I would call it now, and most of what Heart felt, Heart had felt already, before the Father came and went, but Heart also had something more now that I had not felt before. It was more consciousness than I had in some ways, and I began to look to Heart for this in My state of helpless unconsciousness.

I felt in need of help there but did not feel it was right for Heart to be giving it to Me instead of the other way around. How could a child help the Mother when the Mother could not help the child? I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like an inadequate parent who could not mother Her own child. All I could do was hold Heart while We cried together in the darkness of Our impoverished existence.

I was barely more than a child Myself, in terms of conscious development, when the Father came and went without explaining anything to Me. He left Me pregnant, without orgasm, that first time. I did not know how it was supposed to feel, so I did not know I had missed anything there. I did not even know I had had sex. I knew nothng of what was gong to happen then.

It was true, I didn't want to be alone, but I was not ready to have a child to take care of instead of someone to take care of Me and help Me understand how to live. I had had no parenting at all, and Heart did not feel like My parent there. Heart felt like a small child who seemed badly in need of being cared for and parented, and I felt like I clidn't give Heart what I felt Heart needed there.

All I could do was hold Heart and feel the Heartbreak of Our misery, drifting in darkness without any place We could be, or any control over the drifting. The cold, harsh wind swept through Us and even swept Heart away at times. I felt His loss keenly and mourned Him, while hoping at the same time that He had been carried off to a better place, maybe in the light; Heaven you would call it now.

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through me, but I was already almost unconscious, and then I felt flung down.

When I later regained some consciousness, it felt like coming out of a severe surgical anesthesia or a very bad dream, except not a dream, because I had all the pain of it and feared I had no way to have any help healing it now. I felt completely alone. I fell back into unconsciousness, and when I awoke the next time, heart was there with me, but he did not seem to be alive anymore. He seemed so small. I did not remember him being so small. He seemed like an infant to me now, and I did not know what to do. I did not feel very large anymore, either; more like a ripped up child who was suddenly a mother now, but could not act like one, because my pain was so great I could not even move. He gave no sign of life, and I could not do anything, because I could not even stay conscious long enough.

Finally, after a long time, but I do not know how long, I was able to move a little bit and try to embrace him there. I kept having the feeling that he was flung down shortly after me, and I hadn't known it because I had been unconscious for so long. He was very cold, and I cried and cried. I felt that I was right about how he got there again, because I heard a voice screaming as I was falling, "If you want her so much then you have her!"

This stirred a feeling in me that this was not the first time this had happened to us. How long I cried, I do not know, because I kept falling unconscious, waking up, finding him still cold and crying more. I could not move past my grief that he was never going to vibrate again but I still hoped that he would. I felt like I couldn't live without that piece of heart, either, and no one else cared enough to even have him present, or me, either, for that matter. He was going to be the bond between my man and me, and he was stillborn instead. I feared then what this piece of heart might have communicated there that had caused him to be flung down instead. I didn't know whether I feared that we had said too little or too much, because either way, we never seemed to get understood there.

The only time I seemed to know anything about what I was really doing was when consciousness was there, and it never seemed to stay for long. It came and went, came and went for so long I did not know if I was ever going to stabilize there. It was not possible to know anything when the gaps were so big where I did not know anything about what could have or did happen, or if anything did. I felt no place for myself in Creation there and, for a long time, did not think, except for the sake of heart, that I cared if I lived

p. 33

or died. What judgments these were that needed release! but I did not even know I could make judgments then. They all existed in me only as feelings.

I hated heart being there not moving like that, but there I was, holding on to him like a mother holding on to her dead child. I could not let him go. I held him close to me to try to get him warm. I kept trying to give him nourishment in some way from my heart area; anything to get him to have some life in him. After a long time, I lost my mind there and began screaming at him, begging him to come back to life somehow. "As if this were going to help," I told myself from time to time. I felt terrified that this was not loving of me, but I could not stop myself. I desperately wanted heart to be there with me and felt like that wasn't loving of me, either. How could i love heart and want him to come back to a life that was like this?

I judged myself to be twisted and sick to want to bring a child into such a world, compulsively obsessed with the dead, unable to let go of them, unable to mourn and get over it, sick and twisted to hold on to anythng as lifeless as this, but still, I cold not stop. I felt I had to have him there with me. I insisted to him and to myself, over and over, that his presence had to make a difference somehow, and I could not stop; I gave him no respite from my emotions there. I screamed at him in rage, "for dying on me like that." I cried while I was raging, and I was terrified the whole while that I should not be doing this. I should just hold him, I would tell myself, and pat him from time to tome and let him be the way he was, because it was better for him.

"Heart!" I screamed at him finally with all my might, "Get over it! You always expected me to!"

A little while after that, heart began to stir just the littlest bit. I really cried then. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" and held him tighter and began to rock him a little bit, sobbing all the while, "Please come back. Please come back," then more, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You don't have to come back if you don't want to; it's just that I need you so much! But I'm selfish! You don't have to come back if you don't want to!"

Little by little, heart was coming back and was angry at me, too, I was afraid. I was feeling very happy about this, though, and gave the rocking and maternal care that instincts have a way of knowing how to do and gave him the love that I could there in that way. He was so small that he was not threatening to me as a sexual

p.109

I felt He was not able to live with Me any longer, because I was not able to provide any means by which He could live. There was only darkness and terror in My world and nothing more, except the cold harsh wind that had swept Us apart.
.................................

p.111

We held on together there for a long time in that way, and finally, what I thought was His Father came to Me again.
...............................................

p.112

I felt extremely uneasy. I did not know who these enemies of Our experience were there. I was afraid He was going to do battle with them and mutilate them, or worse, kill them so that they would never be able to live again. I did not feel they deserved that, no matter who they were.

I fretted, and walked the ramparts, so to speak, wringng My hands, and My handkerchief, to, when I grew damp all over from emotion. I became subject to ailments such as tuberculosis and pneumonia. Still He did not come back. I wished He would come back and tell Me all was well and that there was no problem really.

He was gone so long I thought He never would come back. My chest felt very heavy, as though I could not breathe. This time I feared He did not come back because I had told Him that Heart was His own little boy. I felt that He didn't want to take any responsibility for this or look at Me very closely, either.

I was already pregnant and swelling again. He did not want to own His own little boy or any of the others He had spawned there, either. I wanted Him to look at Me more closely there and see how it made Me feel to be left that way without anyone to help Me or love Me the way I wanted to be loved.

Apparently, He must have focused only on these troublesome, intrusive sounds, because He was suddenly up and away. He must have made a plan quickly, because when next I saw Him, He was already dressed in His armor and astride His horse who was rearing in anticipation of His departure. He carried a long lance and looked like He was going forth to slay a dragon.

I did not want Him to go that way, but He did not let Me hold Him back. I could not have, anyway. He was already too well battle armed

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for Me to get close, and there was no opportunity offered there for Me to say anything that could have swayed Him or changed His mind. He was rushing forth. He hated to leave Me, He said, but He looked much too excited for Me to be sure of that.

I wondered what He thought He was going forth to find and why He looked so much more excited than I would have been in His shoes. I told Myself that it was because He was not like Me, and that I did not understand Him, yet. So many of My interpretations were because I wanted to love Him and wanted Him to love Me.

In later repetitions of this, He would sound a battle cry and be off with many glorious looking soldiers accompanying Him, but then, He appeared to be only one, large mass of essence that had light. This light was already differentiating into many aspects and interpretations which later became individuals, but I did not notice much about that then, and I'm not sure if He did, either. Then it appeared to be one, large, glorious mass leaving Me.

......It was the behavior a man exhibits when He is slipping away to have an affair, but I did not know it....

I tried to focus on Myself and find a way to feel complete in Myself without anyone or anything else. I felt desolate, alone, empty and abandoned. Maybe I was only nothingness, or only a feeling of emptiness and a longing to be filled, and now that what had been there with Me didn't want to be there anymore, it must be free to leave and seek another place. I feared I would return to nothingness. I didn't want to. I liked the somethingness, even if I didn't like everything about it. I wanted another chance.....

I needed to make a direct confession of My love, but I did not know it. I'm not sure I even knew it was love, except by looking

p. 34

presence in that form, and I hoped that this love between us would be enough to heal us both.

He didn't get very big, though, before we felt attacked again, and there were vivid pictures in this attack of not liking it that I was there with heart. Heart and I were gently rocking together there by the time this first attack came. He felt like only an infant in my arms and a sick, asthmatic one at that. I was not much better. Perhaps it would be better described by saying that it was as if we both had tuberculosis there and did not know it yet. We did not get to regain much of ourselves before we were hit by something so powerful we could not withstand its force. It shouted at us from a distance, "You're nothing! You have no right to live!" and this voice seemed to us to have hands that could shoot out jolts of electricity from a distance and drive this deeply into, making us forget everything else.

We could not see anything but a dazzling lightning bolt of white light, but we felt purple presence, and it smelled like it, too. We could barely breathe, but still, it penetrated us like an aroma of intoxication which made us wonder for a long time if we were really smelling it there, or if we were just remembering the allure of purple's smell as a comfort as we went down, hoping to feel intoxicated so it would not be so terrible to feel death coming in on us, but it was still the horrible struggle to exhaustion in the terror of not being able, by ourselves, to vibrate the compression that was upon us; exhaustion we hated giving in to because of the terror level we met there.

We fought for our lives with everything that we had, but it was not enough. We went back down into suffocation terror and a death-like unconsciousness in which we could still feel the horror of everything but could not move or vibrate to do anything about it. We were frozen, unable to breathe or move, in a rock of terror with what felt like no way out. It was black in there, too, and we could not see.


PURPLE GAP'S INVOLVEMENT
IN THE SPIRITUAL PROBLEMS
ON EARTH

Having next to no understanding left us with no real way to know what was really happening to us there, but you need to understand it, so I cannot tell it the way I experienced it originally anymore. God is going to tell this from the perspective of the Spirit

p. 35

side's involvement in the gap in purple. This needs to be told for those who have not understood how the purple gap has operated against them for so long, and for the purple people who polarized toward Spirit, this may be even more triggering, because you are going to find your own hidden perspective here and can move better with this if you know what your involvement with it was from the beginning.

Most of the problem began with the original split between Will and Spirit which split Heart and Body also. Body instigated this split by taking the actions he did there, but it was input from Spirit, or consciousness, that caused it to happen the way it did; Body's responsibility is having made a home for it in that part of himself that received that light, as did Heart and the Will. In purple, the problems began to replay with Spirit and Body not originally gaining the alignment they needed. The Will originally got the blame, though, because the extreme emotions there seemed to be the reason a home was made for these things.

Sex is very heavily involved in this gap, because the split seemed to be mostly over sexuality and the questions of whether to go for it or not, when it was the right time to go for it or the right circumstances in which to go for it, who should have sex and with whom and what were the right circumstances for that. Heart was put into question there as a valid part of sexual experience because Heart's form was not present in purple yet as a separate and manifested entity, and when heart [sic] emerged there, it was not a complete heart any more than it had been in the original split. Heart's Will was not with him there, and he emerged as Spirit polarized.

Not only did he push his own Will down and out because he did not think he was going to gain the acceptance he wanted from the father presence there the way he was, he gave the daughter to the father presence there without realizing he had done it, because he no longer had the presence or ability to feel her that she wanted him to have there. As much as the father took the daughter from him, he went past the daughter and went for what he thought was the Mother because he could not feel the difference anymore. He was looking for power there and thought he wanted the Mother, which he saw as more powerful than the daughter ..

That it happened at all between Us in these ways and that We were not new and fresh for the Ones We really wanted to have as Our mates felt like something the Will side wanted to bury and say to themselves, "Never go there again," which they did. They buried it under a mountain of guilt, shame and judgment against

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back and recognizing the symptoms. I just knew I wanted Him to be there with Me, in some special way as My own partner in a large family. I wanted all of the essence to be there with Me and work out any problems we might have.

I did not have a separatist thing in mind, but He did. I was not sure i wanted to define Myself as separate from anything there, but I felt like He wanted Me to in order to focus on Him alone, When He put it that way, I did not know what He meant. Was it only at times or all the time? I knew that I wanted him to focus on Me alone, too, but I did not know what to do with the rest of the essence there. It was continuing to make a tremendous uproar whenever we tried to focus Our attention only on each other.

I had no experience by which to know there. I wanted Him to go with Me through all of the essence that was there and see how We felt about it and how it felt about Us. I was probably too focused on the feeling of not wanting to be left out or to leave anything else out. Whatever it was that was giving Me the feelings I had there, I was not sure enough of Myself to make it happen the way I wanted it to happen there. I did not move my own feelings about it there, either. Instead, I had placating these sounds, somehow, in mind, as though I already felt guilty about their presence there in that way and did not know why.

He seemed to have decided quickly and on His own to go forth and handle the problem Himself without Me present there. He gave Me an impression that I was supposed to feel protected there and I wanted to feel protected and as though He was going forth to protect Our relationship, but I did not want to be alone. It did not feel as good to Me as when He was there with Me. It did not occur to Me that He had another agenda there.

Was it another woman calling to Him? Did He already know her? Did He know it was her making sounds? Was she trying to call Him back to her without giving Me any time with Him? Was she waiting for Him there? Was she letting Him know she did not like his relationship with Me?

He had kept telling Me to stop making noise so He could listen to what it really was. Was he trying to hear if it was her or not? When I stopped, the other sounds stopped. Was she using My sounds as a cover for her own so she could hide herself there? Was He wanting Me to go ahead with Him sexually in a space that felt uncomforable to Me so He could hurry up and go back to her if He didn't like Me as well?

Did He have secret plans to have Us both? Did He plan to be

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open about this, or was He going to start there with Me and then include her in some way I did not know about?....
.........
.... Did He plan to lead more than one life and have more than one partner? Did he plan to have only her?

Why have I been so afraid of female rage taking revenge and so afraid of secret alignments with males.... Why have I been so afraid that when a man leaves home, it is not for the reasons he says it is, even when it is off to war?

What was going on there? He did not let Me go to those sounds and find out, and the sounds did not come to Me or let Me know anything , either, other than that they were not happy about what was going on there.

When He left Me, I felt as though I could not move. Was it part of the plan to take away from Me My new found ability to move by making it feel like there was no place I was welcome, so that I didn't dare move according to My own desire? When I did manage to go toward some of the sounds anyway, I felt like a large, female cat. That was only a part of My feeling of Myself. Why was that the only body form given to Me there?

......

p.116
.....

When He did not respond to My heartbreak, I feared he did not love Me. I gave up for a long time. We had judged against Our primordial self there, and its need to express its rage, terror and heartbreak, in favor of what Our interpretations told Us we had to present there, but Our interpretations were not accurate.

When He left, I was terrified and heartbroken. When He later gave Me reasons, they were only the reasons He wanted Me to have there. He told Me He thought it was too much for Us to try to go together, and that we could move through it much better and faster separately.
.......

p. 36 [It's Spirit and Heart without their Will-part,
who are talking here against Will-Body]

themselves which was an even bigger mountain than if it had just been their own guilt, shame and judgment there, too, because we were upt at the top claiming that we were with our right mates and having no problems being there, either.

Heartbreak and terror on the Will side did not feel like moving toward one another as mates, and so they were going as long as they could without sex and holding rage back from sex, too, as much as possible. We weren't. We were going past our fear of sexual inadequacy and our heartbreak and terror by going for as much sex as possible and using rage to get past most of our other denials there. We were holding back on letting our partners notice any problems we might be having there by secretly blaming it on them until they did not want to notice it for fear of what it might mean about them.

When we had sex, though, it all came out, and it was not nice. we used nasty language and assaultive, abusive things were said that were said only during sex. This excited us, but only as long as we used rage to go past our other feelings there because imprinting had taken it in that way. We felt hatred for wrong interpretations of us and made that clear during sex by poundng our partners in a fury that was driving for orgasm as though we hated them, hated them for luring us into having sex, hated sex, hated the tension that was building toward orgasm and just wanted to get it over with. We did not notice the hatred in our sex. We called it passion, because we did not know the difference, and we could not feel the difference.

We were using rage as a substitute for true passion and did not even know that it was the passion of hatred and not of love. How could we know that? We had thrown the feeling side of Heart out already and could not feel the difference. In fact, it felt even more comfortable, because there was no one there anymore to say this was not right. We had pushed that far away already. Those pieces of the Spirit side of Heart that did try to say that from their own feeling memories were thrown out also and fell however far they fell, usually no farther than Yellow and White. When the loving part of the light fell out this way, it was noticed by the rage which began to be equated with Spirit more and more, but which was only spirit in the gap.

We had all of this going on and never felt like going to the Will side, because we were overwhelmed already just by the Spirit side of what was happening. It looked too dark over (sic) on the Will side,

p. 37

too lacking in vibratory power and too horrible for us to want to go there. Why go there, we reasoned, when it was all happening here in the light, not out there in the darkness, and so, from their perspective, there was still no one else coming around who felt like their mates. There were only surreptitious observers who were making inaccurate observations and assumptions, using them to fuel the fires of whatever side they wanted to see gain power over what was left behind there and denied fragments of rage attacking them when they were not looking or expecting it.

Meanwhile, what we left behind there was getting more and more backed up, not only sexually backed up, but in every other way, too. This was what we wanted them to feel, because we wanted to punish them. The ideea of punishing them gave us more sexual turn-on than anything else, but we didn't let that be known. We held that in secret, sometimes splitting sexual titillation and punishment in our mind to the point of not letting ourselves notice this by pretending the two were not connected.

When they could not stand being backed up any more, their bodies would just seem to take over the situation. We saw that if they were miserable enough, they could be made to hate their emotionality and their physicality and not know why. We watched this with a diabolically detached and insensitive curiosity, almost as though we were conducting experiments on the Will and the Will side of Heart and Body there without having to feel what this was like for them. We did not want to have to feel it. We only wanted revenge for what we imagined they had made us feel there. We loved revenge, but we never let it be known that this even was revenge. We said it was only them doing this to themselves because they did not know how to live right and sent them message such as, "the flesh is weak." [Jesus in the New Testament]

If they went ahead and had sex anyway, we hated this. We called it sin, but it turned us on, too, because we were secretly watching it, and sin excited us, but when it was our sin, we always had excuses for it, but we never allowed them any excuses. we sent them messages then, and later, even established religion to tell this to them more forcefully so that they would always feel that they needed to punish themselves somehow, or something else was going to punish them. They did punish themselves in many ways, over and over, and buried their sexual feelings under guilt and shame that said they should not be having sex. We derived sexual pleasure from this but did not acknowledge where our feelings of

p.118
.....

.... I hated Him for leaving Me like that and did not own it then. I need to own it now, because this rage left Me there and found Him in the darkness with Heart daughter in His arms. Male Heart helped her find Him. Whether He knew it or not, I think it was because He wanted help there. He wanted Heart daughter for Himself and did not know how to handle the father there.

p.119

THE MOTHER'S RAGE TELLS MORE OF THE MOTHER'S STORY

....
p.120
......

When I felt Her pain, I hardened Myself against Her because I was angry at Her for not helping Me, and for acting like She wanted to please Him, too, and not make Him look at what He was doing there. I've only been able to come back to Her now that she has seen that what I have to say needs to be accepted as valid and not be pushed out anymore, but I insist on speaking this through My old personality here, because I need recognition for what I have gone through, too. It has not been easy to be the only one out here who knew the truth and felt it needed to be listened to when everyone else was saying that it couldn't be the truth and They didn't do those things or have those motives.

I was stoned, ridiculed and put out tortured and burned as a witch and murdered and gotten rid of so many times I lost count, but I hardened Myself to the pain and let Her feel it. I hated Her for so long I did not think I would ever love Her again.

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I hated to feel any pain, and I hated to have any pain inflicted on me. I did not think it was necessary to have pain and did not like my pain any more thanI liked others. I felt blame for pain responses and also for pain inflicters. I hated all of it, in other words, and did my best not to feel any of it. How could I feel it and keep sight of my mission? It was too much!

.....................

... I was enraged at the rest of the Mother, and that's how I left Her; feeling like She wasn't doing anything to help Herself, or to help Creation get started; going down and taking it all with Her if she didn't do anything about it. I hated Her for that, but I was terrified of Her as well.

I was terrified that She did have the power to suck everything down into a black hell-hole from which it would go out of existence in a nightmare of terror compression, and that She wanted to do that because She did not like the way things were happening. I converted it all to rage that was going to do something about it and not let it happen that way. I moved hatred toward Her and wished She would die, because I was so afraid that this was what She was trying to do there.

In doing this, I was much more aligned with the Father of Manifestation's interpretation of what was happening there than I ever thought or knew that I was, because I was so much focused on My hatred toward Him and the idea of going with Him to accomplish My large and righteous mission.

I hated everyone who did not like or agree with Me. It wasnt' possible to think differently than Me and get near Me anymore. I was my own entity there. It was clear, already, that that was survival for Me.

Heart daughters were with me there and embraced me as their mother there early on. All they could see there was what I could see; She was going down, not embracing life, and it was not possible to survive if We did as She was doing there. Her heartbreak and terror were too much and had no feeling of going forward to

p.122

see what else might happen in life or how she might affect that life if She went forward instead of backing away.

We gave Her plenty of that input as we left, but We gave it to Her with a judgmental and unloving rage punch that hit Her hard. They called out to Her as we left, "If You're not going to give Him what He wants, I will, and I can do it better and more to His liking than You can! ..."
....
I could go on and on, but I won't They were all more cat calls to the woman who lost. All's fair in love and war, was invented there by hardening toward Her in favor of Ourselves. I found out the danger of that position. When we all called out "I," there, I noticed We were not a group, but only individuals in the struggle for the position of the only one there. we could no longer care about others and survive Ourselves. Each was turned against the other in competition for the status and postion that represented power, and thus, survival there.

It was a hard struggle for a long time, because there was little to no love there once so much (sic) Heart was thrown out, which it was in the very beginning, rather than feel the heartbreak and everything that went with that coming up from the Will we left behind in that move. We thought it was a grand and glorious move; soaring upward was a great rush after feeling so held back, dragged down and heavy in what had been happening. The Father of Manifetation looked like the great rescuer to many, and We were not feeling anything We did not want to feel anymore.

We didn't feel anything of what we left behind there for a long time. when more of this rage came up to the top and told Us that the Mother had taken Heart into Her arms and that Heart intended to replace the Father presence there, We did not question Ourselves

p. 38 [It's Spirit and Heart without their Will-part, who are talking here against Will-Body]

sexual excitation were coming from, or even that we were involved in their punishment.

We sent them impulses that said they didn't know how to live right and that their desire to punish themselves was a natural result of gaining the conscience that let them know they were sinners. We let them feel like they would be punished until they learned. We blamed them for anything and everything we could possibly pin on them and said that they should feel like punishing themselves. We told ourselves we were establishing this conscience in them for the right reasons, but it was not the right conscience; it was not even consciousness; it was guilt.

We saw them as deserving punishment without even admitting we had any desire to punish them. We could even act sympathetic and as though we were trying to help them learn how to behave properly and become more spiritual. We never said why we really wanted to punish them, and so it became buried in ourselves, too, until we did not remember it anymore. We did not even let ourselves remember why we didn't want to remember anymore. That would have meant looking at the Spirit-Body split, mate issues, fears of inadequacy and many other things, and we didn't want to. We only let our fascination with their punishment co-exist with everything else in our minds, unspoken of and in the background as titillation.

Everything that we did was about sex. The search for the right excitations, which were whatever was the most possible, became tantamount in our minds. No matter what we were involved in, we were always thinking about sex; where to get it next and how to get more excited than the last time, but we gave out the opposite picture, of course, and even hid our sexuality, because we never wanted it to be known that we did not already have the best possible ideas and excitements and then some because we could not feel it the way we really needed and wanted to without voyeuristic and vicarious experiences. We were very visual and suggestion oriented, because that was what we had with us there, and so, surreptitious and prurient [sic] sexual interest had become even more interesting than openly embracing loving sex.

Over and over, this pattern of punishment for any behavior we did not like was repeated, and each time the Will-Body polarity had sex, it became buried under more guilt and shame. We knew just when to attack them there, too. It was whenever they started to rise up, feel good about themselves and do it their own way. We sent them messages saying this was pride, ego, and rebellion that

p. 39

was not going to get them any good result, only repercussions of the most serious sort. We didn't let them get far enough to really be a threat to us, just enough to feel a little hopeful so that we could make them afraid to trust going ahead with their own feelings and afraid to hope, too, and we felt clever about it.

We were doing this because we hated them for moving past us and for making us feel sexually inadequate in the very beginning in purple. We never looked at our own involvement in holding them back until they felt they had to push past us or at never asking them if they really meant it that way. We just assumed that they did and never looked back. We couldn't look back, because then we might see something painful or unpleasant; something we didn't want to see about ourselves, which was that we didn't know what we were doing in physical existence as much as they did, and we gave them no credit for that at all.

We never showed them our fear in purple; we only punished them for ever having made us have to feel it. They had so much to offer us, and we never even gave them a chance to show us what it was. Because they couldn't say what it was beforehand, we immediately assumed it was nothing important. Because we judged it to be too intense the first time they touched us, we did not let Will or Body show us physicality. Neither did we admit this later and go back to them.

We gave them nothing but denial there while secretly learning, although stealing would be a more appropriate word for the way in which we were doing it, everything we could from them; not just about sexuality, about physicality, while putting down physical existence as not the right thing to have happening in Creation, pretending we didn't like anything they did, did it all better, weren't noticing, knew it already and had all of the same ideas ourselves.

We told ourselves it was all our own ideas and inspirations anyway, because everything came from the impulses that purple sent out. That way, we could see it as them stealing everything from us and not giving us any credit. Instead of giving them any credit, we took satisfaction from how increasingly stupid, inhibited and twisted they were looking to us. It only proved we knew how to live, and they did not know how to live. If they came toward us with anything that looked smarter than we wanted them to be, or had input we didn't want to receive, we could terrify them into going blank in their minds and even into getting all tangled up physically in our presence by exciting with our light the places where they held their terror and then not receiving it but making them feel

p.123 [It's the Mother's rage, which is talking here]

as to why Heart was there, or how He had gotten there. We simply viewed Him as a traitor, now trying to ally with the dark forces against Us. Obviously a power play on Heart's part, and using sex for power, We noticed, because we knew about that.

I knew the Mother did not want to replace the Father with Heart, but I thought Heart daughters might get looked at as being in this role also if Heart male was, and that was My goal; to get Heart daughters out of the way so that the Mother could have Her place. What I had forgotten already was that Mother now meant me in my eyes, and not the rest of Her that we had left behind. I gave Her no help here and none to the Heart daughters, either. I could see no valid reason Heart daughters had for being where they were, other than positon seeking and power struggling.

They would not look at male Heart as a mate, that much I did see, and I did not like it. I hated them for that; so much so that I tried to take male Heart from them just to prove that I could and see how they liked that. When they didn't seem to mind at all and talked to me like that was my right mate and my right place, I hated them even more and plotted to poison them.

I didn't like anyone who didn't listen to me, see me the way I wanted to be seen and recognize me as the right one to have their positon there. I poisoned, cut, tortured, suffocated, and drowned. I murdered in every kind of way and didn't feel anything about it, other than a satisfaction in my stony heart that they were gone. Now I have some remorse, but not that much yet, because I still maintain my position that there was a lot more secret agenda going on in that split than anyone there was admitting to.
.............

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.... I have rushed ahead wanting to make public everything that I knew When she felt the pain of my own deaths that I did not feel, I did not let that stop me, either. I wanted to feel revenge, een against Her.

I now feel more cautious than I used to feel, so I am not going to reveal everythng that I know her, but the gap and its secret agenda is really serious, and it is very necessary to heal it, that I am going to say. The split there was huge and took the upper chakreas away from the lower ones with a gap where Heart was supposed to be between them. There was a lot more in that gap than anybody thought for a long time, unless they were really looking in there the way I was, and it was heartless.

That was the main gap, but there were many others. I have seen so much ugliness in my time I did not think there was any love in Creation; certainly not in the procreation around me. The gaps in Purple and Blue are much worse than what has been told here so far, and We have not even gotten to Indigo yet; gaps in which the players appear to be allied with others, but each plans, in the end, to be the only one left in a power position of any sort.

...................

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......

Why did you hate input from the Mother so much that You could not accept Her from the beginning? Why did You think Your rage was justified and no one else's was? Why did You try to make me feel like I was not loving there, and why did You try to make the Mother feel like She wasn't loving when We had input to give You about Your approach?

Why did love mean no disagreement? Why were questions and suggestions immediately labeled arguments and opposition? Why could You never see how group process could be helpful and how relationship needed this? Why was it all so unpleasant to You that You just wanted a little fluff there who wouldn't cause any of these problems?

I had many more questions, too, but I was screaming them and He wouldn't let me. He cut me off, saying He was only comforting them the way He had been told to do, that He felt they needed comforting and that He couldn't move past them to any other sounds because they would start up again with their sounds of grief, fear and pain if He did. I was absolutely enraged that He had not stayed present with the Mother that way. I could not believe that He didn't want Us and preferred these little fluffs, instead.

p. 40 [It's Spirit and Heart without their Will-part, who are talking here against Will-Body]

ashamed to have this terror instead and even torturing them there. This felt good to us, because the feeling was intensely sexual, too; sexually powerful, and our held rage thrived on this.

We did not see ourselves as having this terror and did not want this terror, so if this terror showed up anywhere near us, we said letting go and rising above it was the approach to take. But the more we found out how very excitng this terror was when someone else had it, the more we wanted to have them hold it. [see how people are attracted to horror-movies!] That way, we could force it to come up when we wanted it to, torture and manipulate it, sexually enjoy it and never have to really feel it.

We did not help them with it at all and did not intend to. We took advantage of it, instead, in purple and fed on the essence they were losing there. We did not feel this as terror. It wasn't terror anymore once it was taken up by the light, but squeezing it out of them this way, we never had to touch them or feel what it was like for them there. If this terror ever realized it hadn't really been given the rescue it thought it had there, we could always send it back to the Will side with this information by throwing it out if it gave us anything but the gratitude and servitude it was always willing to promise when we rescued it.

It seemed only fair because we were getting even, but we never looked far enough to find out for what, and you know why. Punishment was upholding moral righteousness, it was teaching others how to behave, it was nothing we were really doing, we were observers or enforcers, anything but what we were really doing there, which was getting turned on by prurient, lascivious, twisted and often voyeuristic sex.

No, we weren't doing that, we were just letting our denied and lost Will experience that, because they had sexual desire and we didn't . This way, we could feel superior to them and avoid looking at how we feared they were superior to us and were able to make them look upon themselves as stupid, twisted, evil and spiritually inferior, too.

In addition , we gave them disease from purple, because we were able to make them hold back sexually so much that they actually became physically sick. Then we could use the mountain of guilt and shame against them by sending them impulses that said they were sick because they did not know how to live right and were having too much sex. The more inhibited they became and the more frightening and shameful it was to them to have sex, the more excting this was to us. When they had trouble with their health, their lives or anything else this decrease in their vibration

p. 41

brought, we said it must be because there was something wrong with them.

We had noticed that the more sexually backed up they were, the more sex we could have. We were drinking up their denied essence, but we didn't want this to be noticed about us. That was why we wanted to have more reasons to punish them without letting it be noticed that we were even connected to the situation. If it took direct intervention, such as torturing, we had many places where we could hideout (sic) and make it appear it was others doing it, such as blue people whose strings we pulled because they were really purple who had dropped out their red, or other lost Will connections we had in indigo or blue or even purple. We could make it look to the Will-Body polarity like it was some of their own kind doing it and that we, on the other side of the split, were sympathetic but couldn't do anything to stop it or weren't involved at all, and could also make it seem like these were superior people because they were receiving these impulses, and the others, who we didn't find so receptive to them, were not.

We did this in many ways that we thought were clever, but they were not clever because these impulses from purple were not loving toward anything that was not just like us, and, in fact, were not even really loving toward each other, but we made the presentation of being so and preferred lying to having to face things we did not want to feel.

Even when the messages we sent were right messages, we timed them so that they confused instead of helped. That way, we could say we were not involved in their problems; they just did not know how to apply what they were being given. Our gap has done many evil things in these ways. Evil is unlovingness, especially the evil that says it is not evil because it is doing everything in the name of love, but it does not feel like love if you can feel love and know what love really is.

We sent messages such as, "You are never going to feel better if you do not let go of these feeelings. As long as you give them presence by going into them, they are going to be there," and let the Will polarity we were isolating from ourselves, isolate and split itself there because we very cleverly knew how to do this, each time letting them get a little farther into healing than the time before, because we could destroy hope this way and make them fear going up so much that it appeared they didn't want to go up. Then we could say it was because they didn't really want to be healed or helped or whatever we wanted to say there. We made the timing ir-

p. 42

regular, too, because we did not like to repeat things in predictable patterns by hitting them in the same place, same way or same time, unless the conditioning suited our purposes.

The more their emotions moved, the more we hit them with these kinds of messages until they were terrified that reversals were going to be drawn by any attempts they made to heal in the ways they had been doing it. What they had been lifting emotionally went back into unconscious isolation again that way, which made us feel smarter than they were, because they were concluding that they were wrong to have been doing it right and were more inclined to do what we wanted them to do, which was to hold their vibration down instead of letting it come up.

That way, we did not even have to feel threatened by them coming anywhere near us. They weren't going to be able to and by their own repression (sic). If they revolted, we had our connections to handle them and never had to be seen as involved there. We could play with them and do a laser beam kind of surgery on their emotions by having them isolate everything we did ot like about them there and deny it as not right parts to have in themselves. We thought we knew exactly what we were doing but we did not because we did not look at a broad enough picture.

[August 20, 2012, 10:19 AM: In my case , it was not the panic of feeling, which I felt I needed to get rid of, but the fact, that these overwhelming feelings did not let me DO, what had to be done in my eyes, so there would not happen so terrible things in the world in general and in Israel in particular. I'm flooded by these 2 memories: During the six days of the 1967 War I was writhing and squirming in my bed - instead of having an afternoon nap , a rest from household, children and working on my PH.D. thesis - awash with tears about all the deaths caused by this war. Then suddenly I managed to pull myself together harshly and say: "Whenever a feeling of such pain comes up , I'll convert it into the question: 'WHAT CAN I DOOOOOO -to change the situation which causes all this suffering?" This determination helped to some degree. - But in 1974 - a year which seemed to conjure up another war, I came across a sentence in the Letters" Unter dem Schatten deiner Fluegel" of Helmut v. Moltke, one of the main figures behind the 20th of July 1944 Revolt, While secretly, under constant danger for their survival, those people planned a post-Nazi Germany, he wrote to one of his friends: "was soll dieser ganze Gefuehlsluxus - what is all this luxury of feelings that you allow yourself?"
And again, I pulled myself together: 'I'll not allow myself this luxury but use my pain in order to initiate what has to be done!" And , indeed, in that case I rose above all the frustration because of former failures in "doing" and began, what would become "Partnership - an organization for creating the conditions of partnership between Arabs and Jews"...It took me decades of "Doing", in fact till January 2006, till I understood, that the denied feelings of all people involved in that doing, including me, would only lead to "reversals".....]...

If we wanted to separate heart from his mother, for example we cast her in the light of not really understanding and let him conclude that he was being given these messages because he was viewed as more acceptable to this light and as having more consciousness. Then we told him to show her how she should be behaving rather than telling her what these messages actually said because she learned better that way.

We had success in splitting them apart this way, which was more important to us than the rest of what was happening there, because splitting them was what we had in mind. We wanted to isolate the emotions we did not want in heart by getting him to let go of them and seeing them all as the Will's fault. We wanted to separate him from his mother so thoroughly that he would no longer have these feelings with her or for her and would never want to go back to her again.

We did not care what she thought about what was happening there as long as she held the emotions we did not want there. When she was full of them and separated from everything we wanted from her there, we were going to get rid of her. We were going to use heart to do this, and whenever we thought it was the right time, we began sending heart messages such as, "You need to restrain

p. 43

her. You need to shut her up. Don't you know she's the problem? You're never going to get better as long as you're with her. You're not in your right place, and it's because of her. She's the one holding you there, not us. If you let go of her, you can come to us. If she won't let go of you, you are justified in getting rid of her."

When she wouldn't deny her emotions the way we wanted her to and was letting them move instead, we sent heart secret messages such as, "She never gets any better, and she never will if she goes on this way. She doesn't know what life is or how to live it. She's the reason you have these feelings. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have these feelings. You're missing all the fun in life staying there with her," and then tantalizing him with purple aromas that promised sexuality that was better and more frequent than what he was getting there.

Sometimes heart would attack her then, and if it was during sex, we especially liked it, because it gave us the thrills we were seeking there, including the possibility that she would be annihilated by heart with sexual orgasm in the midst of it. These thoughts and images gave us sexual orgasms, and we began to have thoughts of annihilating the heart there, too, to see if it gave us even more sexual intensity.

Other times, he would leave her to roam around. The excitement of where he was going to go and what he was going to do titillated us, too. Sometimes he would come to us, and we would use him sexually in whatever ways we could get him involved. We gave him the bait, too, with many looks from purple that gave him innuendoes without ever making them clear. We pretended we weren't into sex, but gave him impulses that made him feel that he knew what we secretly wanted, that we wanted him to give it to us and that even if we protested and pretended we didn't want it, we really did.

We got him to put us in bondage, punish us and have sex with us at the same time by making suggestions to him that were never overt. We could do this by putting pictures in his mind and then making him feel like these were all only his own sick and twisted ideas by telling him he was making us do things we never said we wanted to do and never wanted to do. We were playing with his mind and letting him think it was only his own twisted ideas about us. But we could never get as excited as we could when we were watching it being done to others, especially if he actually hurt us