The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'

pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"


See further down  2012 the last three of

Overview of and Links to the Pages of My Community: Desert Vision - Succah Parting from its realization in the exterior World

First Part
2002_07_28; last update: 2003_03_01; see an addition in July 2013!


A recycled bicycle-wheel , covered with palm fronds,
served as a moving flag above the first Abraham succah,
representing the source of energy in 'Desert Economy'.
May the sun       cycling       in the wind
move us towards fulfilling our dreams.







When I watch interactions between kids in Israel,
I hear much too often:
                    "ani  tafasti ,  ani  tafasti !"
                    "I grabbed it, I grabbed it!"







It's how Arnon (6) or Yael (6) asserts him/herself.
But what about grownups doing the same thing?

An urgent message on my phone, an e-mail on my screen:
"Avi has founded a new company 'Succah in the Desert',
and dispossessed me and my wife of all our rights to the

Shocked as I was,
I also couldn't help saying:

"But Gadi, you brought this
on yourself.

After my visit in the Succah
on Jonathan's birthday
in April,
I pleaded and urged you
to heal your relationship
with Avi.

But you did nothing.

You even said, that, in fact,
there might be a chance now,
since Avi's partner,
who is the main trigger
for you,
will be away.
This woman has not been
in the Succah
for 3 months,

but you have done nothing."

When we met, I added:

Gadi in front of the Isaac Succah, maybe in 1994

"It's OK to do nothing.
There is a quality in that too.
And as a puzzle piece in the right place it is invaluable.

But you must take responsibility for the consequences
and not make yourself a victim
and fidget with the idea of suing Avi.

It will deprive you of financial resources
you don't even have to begin with.
And even if you had the money,
and even if you would win,
who would be the effective foster parent
of the present Succayah?
You, the introvert artist, with your 4 children?

But even if a replacement for Avi could be found,
how could you manifest so great a vision
on such shambles?"

Efrat inside the Isaac Succah, as a guest
Avi, the host of the Succayah,
its re-builder and maintenance worker,
its baker and cook,
its fetcher of water from a tap 2 km away,
its communicator with guests
and often their transporter
between bus-station and Succayah
etc. etc. etc.etc. etc.
has made the transition
from "kids and career".

This is the ideal period of one's life
for working as a host in the desert.
Avi closed his business as a building constructor
with enough money left to survive in a "business",
which at this state hardly produces
a minimal salary.

As to Gadi's and Efrat's
once successful, even famous, photo-studio
in Tel-Aviv,
so far still run by them despite their move
to Mitzpe-Ramon in 1998,
it now can be sold only at a great loss,
because of the uprise of digital photography.
Running a rented flat for hosting tourists
in Mitzpe-Ramon
nicely upgraded in the style of a Van Gogh painting,
helps them make ends meet.

Moreover, Gadi and Efrat's mobility and dedication
are limited by four children at school age.


July 20, 2013

The eldest child of Gadi and Efrat, Maya,
now 27,
helps her father
with his music-community project
at Mitzpe-Ramon.

Today she posted
a clip
with part of the guests who make
the summer festival "Intimibar" happen
right now.

The humorous questions they put to the people
in the streets, show a quantum-leap in evolution


Back to July 2002

After having done some Breathing-Sounding-Moving
and having received good support from my daughter
and good advice from my daughter-in-love,
I packed a few things and much water for a very hot day,
walked to the other side of my town Modi'in
and started an inner journey parallel to my 6 hours hitchhiking.

The seventh driver was a Bedouin
who had pity on me.
But then he found out,
that I was "Rachel-leh"
as he called me
"About 10 years ago
I was searching for some camels.
I ran out of water
and saw you in the middle of nowhere.
You gave me water
and let me sleep in the big succah."

He asked me to drink tea in his tent,
the tent with the torn flag,

which I now remembered as depicted
among the "Hosting Businesses",
listed on a prospectus for Negev Tourism

which is magnetized to my fridge at Modi'in.
Later he drove me the last 20 km to the Succah,
where he - a familiar visitor - was welcomed
and listened to.
For the bitterness of the Bedouins in Israel is bottomless~~~

I met Avi, Abraham,
in the kitchen of the Abraham Succah.

He wasn't pleased,
but later he said, he knew, I would come.

"Let's talk while I'm preparing dinner!
The guests tonight include journalists."
"Oh no, Avi, let's not hurry,
I've all the time in the world."

And - unlike my usual self - I just hang around,
focusing on one thing - winning over Avi's trust.

Our history had been
fear on his part and pain on my part

But from this perspective

the process was perfect.

During dinner with the journalist
from the Hebrew newspaper "Ha-aretz"
I was very cautious not to let her questions to me
steal the show from Avi.
When we were on our own,
Avi talked about all kinds of Desert issues.
It was only late at night, that we touched the hot iron.
I did not argue, I did not blame or plead, I only listened.
I did not protect Gadi, nor cause Avi to see the other side.
I did not ask him to make up for what he had done to Gadi.
I encouraged Avi to share the frustration, the anger, the pain,
which had led him towards "bringing in the guillotine",
as he said during a repetition of his story 2 days later.
And I asked him, if his sources had informed him
about the connection between us 2100 years ago.

Then I brought the talk to a close and went to sleep in "Sarah",
which once was the favorite succah of honeymooners,
and now was about to be dismantled and rebuilt,
which motivated me
to photograph it from all angles.

That's what I saw in the morning
sitting between "Sarah" and the water-jar:
the Hill of the Angels' Flight - invisible - to the left,
then the Yitzkhaq-Isaac Succah in front of Mount Lekh-Lekha,
opposite me - the Rukhara and behind it the edge of the Ramon-Crater.

What always engulfs me with awe in the desert, is,
that by going 10 steps or by just moving my head 30 degrees
I see a totally different view - in this case the Abraham Succah.
While the 2 pictures above were taken - by "self-timer" - in the morning sun,
[As I re-edit this page on July 24, 2012, for the sake of sending a link to the 6th page of the "Peace Process" to the Israel Land Authority because of the Hebrew document there ,
I see, that then the length of my hair and even the coiffure were just the same as they are now - after uncountable cuttings and other hair-styles... is there a sign? a sign for what?
Why did I need to return to that period of my life, following a demand from the authorities to pay 172 000 Sheqel -an obscure debt, and - a second time - wasted 5 hours there?]

these two were taken in the evening sun, half an hour walk further to the south, at the edge of the Ramon-Crater
At first glance the view of the few volcanic remainders inside the [not volcanic!] crater seems to be almost the same.
But how different are the rock sculptures!

The next morning I climbed up the hill, until my mobile phone came alive,
and arranged a meeting with Gadi/Efrat at the junction to the Crater trail.

For hours in the morning and again in the afternoon I worked with them.






"Right Place" is an important concept in "Right Use of Will"
When we signed our "peace-document" on 2003_01_28,
Gadi said:
"I don't need the Succah to define my identity any longer,
I've found
[I don't remember the exact wording] my right place."

August 2012, while I worked on copying the RUOW books, I got a call from Gadi about his "Inti-midbar" Festival at Mitzpe-Ramon.
I read to him this passage about "Right Place".
On August 21, I received his group-email, in which he thanks to ever so many artists, local politicians and volunteers
for having manifested "Inti-midbar", which means "Intimate Desert".




It may be no coincidence,
that I was forced to read about our "Desert Peace Process 2002" again
exactly 10 years after I had begun it in
July 2012.
Since there is much free space (my "law": max. 1300 kbs), I'm using it now for copying and internalizing excerpted info from
the last three of the eight books of Right Use of Will.
since August 3, 2012.
I continue
rom having inserted the last pages of each of the two books
The Green Book and the Yellow Book
towards inserting excerpts from the Orange Book, the Red Book and the Indigo Book

I'm also following the re-study of much of the info in RUOW and Godchannel in the teleclasses,
which are conducted and reported by John Pateros, one of the Channelers, every two weeks.
Before "launching myself on the wave" of the orange-red-indigo info,
I want to repeat and summarize, what I've understood since January 1987,
and the most important "detail" - how to move emotions -already since 1977:

" T H E    W I L L    has for so long been
misunderstood, judged against, disciplined, punished and denied
that most people no longer even know what the Will really is.
Many are now calling positive thinking by the mind Will power.
While Mind is the masculine aspect, Will is the feminine aspect of our nature
and is experienced as intuition, feeling, emotion, receptivity and desire.
The books help the reader understand what the Will is
and how to evolve it from the immaturity that has resulted from long suppression."

A quote from a website which recommends the books:

"The Right Use Of Will (RUOW) material is a series of 8 channeled books
received by Ceanne DeRohan over ... 15 years.
God describes how creation came into being
and the true nature of the Original Cause,
which was how the Mother was denied
her expression by God
and literally smacked out of heaven.
It was this primal event
which has created all of the problems
we see reflected in our world
and in our relationships today.
These books are very intense
and difficult to process.
The cosmology they present
can be very challenging.
They were designed to trigger our deepest fears, terror, and rage
so that emotional clearing can occur
and bring us into a state of healing.
God and Mother have plans to move together now
and we must be ready,
by vibrating within a place
that does not contain
any guilt or denials of any kind.

He suggests that this is done
by having loving intent to heal
by having the Spirit (Father) meet the Will (Mother) in the Heart, centered in the Body.
I highly recommend these books to anyone
who has already been consciously working on their emotional body.
I also recommend them to Christians
and/or those with Christ Consciousness.
And finally, I recommend them to anyone
who is aware and looking for solutions
to this world's problems.

Be prepared to truly move through
a significant amount of emotional material!"

A quote from the website "healingbase"
according to DeRohan's channel, is basically

To be distinguished from the Spirit or mind.
Emotion opens up the space
whereby the creative force of Spirit or mind
can germinate.
The physical example of the womb

is an analogy for this concept.
Emotion provides the space and nurturance
for the creative spark.
The spark requires a womb to create within.

The concept ... clearly explains what all the writers about manifestation have been saying.
A clearly held thought,
given sufficient emotional push,
will manifest in the physical.
The greater the clarity
and the greater the emotional intent or desire,
the faster and more complete the manifestation.

2012-08-07     Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam:
One of those "writers" is the collective entity "Abraham", channeled by Esther Hicks.
Having studied this work thoroughly
[see, e.g., on "BlueBook 8-12 my excerpts from "The Vortex" p.222]
- and experienced it painfully
through one of its believers, Ya'acov, my peer-
I must state, that "RIGHT " Use of this "womb" means first of all
- and through all the eight RUOW books,
to heal and free all "Lost Will",
all denied and judged and trampled over feelings which are cramming this womb
so there remains only little space
and often no space whatsoever
for the germination of Spirit's creative spark.

I also want to quote myself from
my 2001 page about the RUOW books:

"The right use of Will by humans

seems to be ... loving her,

helping her bring back her lost parts -

and feeling into her

as she guides us moment-to-moment.

So we can know

what we TRULY desire to have and to do,

not what guilt tells us
we "should" want or do."

[from an answer of the Channelers
to a question in the Godchannel Forum]

I continue
from having inserted the last pages of each of the two books
The Green Book and the Yellow Book
towards inserting excerpts from the Orange Book, the Red Book and the Indigo Book

The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to
The Father of Manifestation,
that Maligned, Misunderstood,
but Essential Part of God

"You may not think you know or even remember Pangea. You may not remember any past lives, as far as you know.
If you pay attention to little glimmers
of other times and places,
if you really allow movement in the emotions you feel but do not normally allow to move,
you begin to see how the cracks in your accepted reality can be widened into openings, or doorways, in which more is seen, felt and understood.
Patterns can be recognized and evolved
so that your history doesn't have to repeat itself. "

ealing Of The Chakras

Dedicated to
The Healing of the Gap
and the Survival of Love

"This book is about the imprinting,
or the blueprint in the subconscious,
that underlies everything;
how it was put into place, what is in it and how to heal it .
We are all imprinted in ways
that we have never been able to move past, no matter how hard we have tried. There was very little room left for consciousness once imprinting was in place. Bringing imprinting from the subconscious to the conscious mind
can begin the process of sorting it out and making shifts at the deepest levels. Evolution of consciousness and the emotional body
looks like our only hope for survival as a species.

While this book is very helpful, it would have been more helpful if I had not deleted a chapter about the male side that said 'I felt this, but I didn't let her know',
[see the retrieved chapter above]

The Search for True Understanding and Balance
Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God
in Loving Balance

Some of us have had lives that were peaceful, pleasant and successful, but many of us have lived lives traumatized by disastrous events that have seemed to come upon us just when we felt ourselves expanding into the uplifted lives we were seeking. Along with many new understandings, Indigo tells stories of such lives.

What was not understood then was the role being played by our denials. Please do remember that this process is about bringing our denied and lost Will places up into the vibration of our self-acceptance and evolving presence. By finding what has lain dark and hidden in our denied and lost Will, we can bring it up into God's Loving Light and nourish ourselves with more loving presence, depth of understanding and forgiveness.

Table of Contents


AT HIMSELF MORE CLEARLY..............................................5

THE MOTHER ON EARTH....................................................23 below


THE RONALOKAS ARRIVE ON EARTH ....................................58

THE RAINBOW SPIRITS FALL TO EARTH...............................70

TAKES A WRONG FORK IN THE PATH..................................77

THE COURT OF THE MOTHER ON EARTH..............................82

IN THE WOODS........................................................................98

THE MIXED-UP BEASTS.....................................................103

TROUBLE AT THE DOOR ...................................................109

THE MOTHER IN HELL ....................................................116

THE MOTHER'S RETURNS TO EARTH ............................142

THE MOTHER'S RAGE .....................................................172

THE GIANT OGRES............................................................179


THE POWER STRUGGLE IN BLUE ...................................205

INTO FACING HER POWER LOSS.......................................230

TO HOLD THEM BACK ANYMORE........................................238

THE LAST DAYS OF PAN ....................................................249

Table of Contents



ENCOUNTERING THE WILL ESSENCE.............................8


THE MISSING HEART PRESENCE...................................13

A PIECE OF HEART'S IMPRINGING..............................14

GIVING HEART THE BOOT..............................................25

These first pages are ripped off from my paper-book, but just when I completed copying the orange book, I got hold of a new red paper-book, and copied the missing pages at the end of Desert-Timeline , which presents the end of the orange book.

TELL HIS STORY...................................................... 32
see below

see below

HEART RESPONDS TO HIS FATHER THE WAY HE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO...............................................54. see below

THE RIGHTS OF THE FOUR PARTS ........................58 see below

.....................................61 see below

IN A NEW WAY........................................................68
see below

AN OLD RAGE SPEAKS NOW..................................74
see below

OF ORIGINAL IMPRINGING................................91
see below

HEART NEEDS TO KNOW ..............................................107

TELLS MORE OF THE MOTHER'S STORY ..................... 119

I WISH I HAD THIS STORY TO TELL........................... 134

A BASE LEVEL OF THE GAP........................................... 140

MY LIGHT SPEAKS.........................................................146

Table of Contents


ANOTHER FRIGHTENING LOST WILL FRAGMENTATION ..........................................19



................................... 48

BLUE GIVES PURPLE THE BOOT.................57






THE DEPARTURE......................................167

THE ISLE ..................................................171

THE GAP IN PURPLE ..........................

KING ARTHUR.........................222

MERLIN AND MORGAN LE FEY................241



CONCLUSION ............................................254

August 7, 2012, in the early morning:
a quarter of a century ago my first granddaughter
-from among 10 grandchildren-
was born.
I was an active partner
of the extremely long delivery process
and also photographed

(no digital photographing yet!)

how baby Elah
- which is a tree
[Isaiah 6:13], but also means "goddess"-
squeezed herself out from her mother's womb.
I find it symbolic,
that on this day I'm ready for this "triptych" of excerpts
from the last three Right Use of Will books
The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance


If the way had been known, at any time earlier, to understand and heal, which means, in this case, to change, the original imprinting put in place by primordial experiences at the very beginning of Creation, before there was time, relativity, or consciousness with which to measure these things, it would have been a much shorter and easier process to heal, in some ways, then it is now.

After so many long eons of conditioning from repeated experiences goverened by imprinting, it seems overwhelming to heal it, yet in other ways and from other perspectives, this many layers of conditioning in the myriad of patterns form has been able to present here must have been necessary for certain aspects of consciousness to feel ready, not only to look at this, but to understand, not only that this imprinting has to be healed, but also, how to heal it. This is because imprinting has not been recognized as having the presence it has had in everything and in the way it behaves, or seen for what it is. Imprinting was not known to have had the presence it has had, nor was it known how it was put in place. This is mostly because it all took place when consciousness was still at the subconscious level and because the bridge has never been allowed to be built in a steady progression of steps from the subconscious to the conscious without breaks in the connection which caused gaps or blank spots.

This all needs to be looked at now, as well as the role form change has played in complicating and obscuring imprinting's role as to why steps have not been able to be taken in evolution that need to be taken, and that some, at least, have wanted to take, but also that must be taken if there is going to be survival in any form that will allow humans to continue to know life as they know it now.

So , in one sense, it seems there is now so much conditioning it is overwhelming to heal the problems, and that it would have been much easier to do this healng earlier; and in another sense, it took this many patterns of experience, form change efforts and layers of conditioning to be ready and able to understand how the problems must be healed. And so, it is now both more complicated, many-faceted and difficult, and also a more rich and full bank of experience to relate to, refer to and draw on.

Since it seemed as overwhelming and undoable in the beginning as it does now, it is all relative in terms of a position of mind. This is a place where mind and Body originally came together in the gap to get rid of the Will, which originally, as far as They were concerned, only complicated matters with uncomfortableness They wished to avoid, such as the issue of how much pain is involved in having it take this long for imprinting to be found, seen and understood for what it is.

You may not think you know or even remember Pangea. You may not, as yet, even remember any past lives at all, as far as you know, but if you really do allow direct movement as emotion in the emotions you really feel but do not normally allow to move, and whose presence, as you are now, may be fleeting, perhaps only a split second of connection at first before they are banished, shoved down or converted into something more"acceptable', you will begin to see how the cracks in your accepted and allowed reality, or veneer, can be found and widened into openings, or doorways, into a widening reality in which more is seen, felt and understood, and you will become able, ... to see how images and even realities are superimposed upon one another in such a way as to make it clear that time is a progression in which there is really no past, present of future because it is all present, and yet there is past, present and future as a matter of location of focus of where you are now.

For example, a man takes on, in your vision, for only a split second perhaps, the characteristics of a satyr. Immediately, you leap out of the experience because of feelings of uncomfortableness there, which, if you stayed long enough, you would find is fear, in favor of a more habitually comfortable and familiar place of mind in which you invalidate the entire experience, perhaps even unnoticed, in a moment of time, in which mind can even ask questions.

p. III

Did he or didn't he? Am I going nuts? Can I trust my perceptions?

Instead of going back to the experience, which was probably fleeting as best, and which mind is ready to say cannot be recovered because it wasn't real, you, in the same moment of almost totally unnoticed mental activity, dismiss the entire thing, allowing mind to invalidate it by giving you the "understanding" that such a thing is not possible and therefore, didn't really happen.

The trouble is mind didn't have enough experience with which to gain true understanding before leaping out of experience because of uncomfortable feelings found there. Meanwhile, mind gave out its interpretation of this as true understanding rather than feeling enough to gain true understanding. This is old imprinting in which mind made the original leap out of experience and the feelings of the Will, invalidating them, so that the bridge between all the factors was not fully built there to allow all the possible and necessary information for mind to gain true understanding.

Time, as a matter of location of focus, has lost its validity and significance with those who have allowed their reality to be squeezed down into only the "present" in order to avoid the uncomfortableness just mentioned, and is also a focus whose significance is lost when you notice that the pain from the past is always there in the so-called "present' and "future."

On both counts, this is mostly because of not knowing how to clear old pains, the amount of which has always seemed overwhelming; but time also loses its significance as relative points in a progression when old pains are cleared to the point of allowing old experiences to become real again while new ones can still be created and experienced. This will be a healed state which has never been reached before by humankind, or by My light
(sic) either, for that matter, since as God, I am everywhere and a part of everything, even if only in a state of denial as of yet, and so pain has always been a part of My existence as well as of yours.

Focus has been able to make it seem as though an event is taking place "now', not "then," or took place "then" , not "now," as though there is a bigger difference than there really is, and which has been more agreed upon than real, even to the extent of using pressure to gain this "agreement." In view of this "agreement," form change, in the broadest latitude of the word usage, has been the main thrust of effort to change the experience here.

Form change was the big area of focus on healing in the Heavens, along with getting rid of the feelings in the Will that were

p. IV

being held responsible for the problems with form .Form change was the focus of the healing efforts in Pan, and form change has continued to be the method of choice for problem solving with old forms that have not worked in the ways it was wanted to have them work.

This belief around and approach to form change was originally put in place by
fear of Mine that was imprinted with the idea that I had the wrong Form, and that a form change would, therefore, solve the problem. The alignment Form gave here was as a way of saying It was a victim of the misalignment of Spirit and Will and needed help.

So, in the sense that it is all here and now, yet here and now is a reality expandable by Will movement all the way back to include original imprinting, Pangea is an important area, not only as the first physical reality for so many, as the source of so many myths and legends... but also as another excellent mirror for healing, especially because of the more fluid speed of events, and yes, of form changes in which certain denials being made around this surfaced in Pangea , not just as simple form changes for fun, but also as deeply held imprints around healing, improving upon what was originally done in the Godhead, knowing better than the Godhead, as displays, misuse and abuse of power, status and competition, not only in creativity, vision and accomplishment, but also positioning.

Even though events that took place in Pangea have resulted in greatly limiting both the speed and the latitude of form changes, it has remained a widely held belief that form change, as a mind-body partnership will work.

It has not worked, and without Will movement being given its right place, it will not work.
As you remember your past on the way to remembering your imprinting, and your imprinting becomes more of a key to your past, your present and also your future, you will find that whether you have been unicorn, mixed-up beast, faerie or satyr, elf or mermaid, priest or scholar, king, serf, slave, or whatever; when the experience is felt deeply enough to understand the forms taken on in the different enactments, it will be found that the patterns have been the same, and will remain the same, until imprinting is changed, no matter how it may appear at different points along the way. These patterns will always reflect the same points of view you had in the past and never looked beyond.

p. V

Are you ready to look now? If so, you will find that the path on which you lost power and magic is also the very path by which you will be able to recover, restore and understand magic and power in such a way that you will not lose it again by failure to feel deeply enough to know how it should rightly be used.

Among the eight books of Right Use of Will in my library I find one, of which the pages till p.30 are missing. I remember to have received the copy of the "Red Book" shortly before a nightmarish week-long experience at the Dead Sea, during which I had nothing else to do but to suffer my paralyzed, aching back, be fortunate to have a cloth to urinate in and then wash it out in the tiny water rivulet around my flat-lying body, which fortunately did not need to shit - and study this book.

Though the endings of the two previous books show how difficult it is to digest this info from Deity, the Red Book is even worse and I think, I ripped those pages off as "not relevant" for me - not because of the info in them, but because of the tiring repetitions of the stories and dialogs between the Four Parts of Deity. It's only now - August 3, 2012 - that I understand, that this info is meant to trigger me, and not to give me a mental treatise about the World, like it is today. Still, since I truly have let the first five books permeate me, I'll now - concerning the last 3 books - copy only the sentences and passages that emphasize what I already understood or still need to fully, wholly integrate in my overall understanding of existence, creation and the connection of God&Man.

But see, how my understanding grew while copying the Orange Book!

Before p.10 the "Lost Chapter of Imprinting"(see above ) should be inserted.

I begin with p. 33

See the full text of p. 33-37,
and of p. 38......

p. 33

[it seems to be "Heart", who is telling His story of Original Cause here]

"Such a loving son, too," Mother kept saying over and over until I began to feel like Father might have left Her because He just wanted Her to stop moving so much emotion and talking about love so much.

I wasn't used to it anymore, and it was making Me uncomfortable. It was stirring the old feelings of heartbreak and abandonment I had felt so long ago, and I did not know how to handle them other than the way Father had taught Me to handle them, which was to not pay attention to them.

I hated to tell Mother that I did not think it was right for Her to be pouring forth as much emotion as She was, but it did occur to Me that She had not been able to move past the place She had been in when Father took Me so long ago. I wondered if this was why Father had taken Me and why Mother had wanted Me to go, because She was not able to move from this place.

Even when she went after Father, She never left Me. She was still there with Me, although She did not feel as present as She had before She went. She sent only a part of Herself, and when that part came back, She told Me it was true, that Father did have another woman in His arms.

She would not speak to Me anymore about it after that. She seemed to go into a complete freeze-up and lock-down of grief that never moved after that. Nothing helped the situation. Her heart seemed to have become stone that could not cry or move anything except with Me, and I did not have acceptance for that anymore.

p. 34
[a new chapter appears in the middle of the page


I had no image of anyone else there but Me, as I have said already. There was an early encounter in the darkness, but I did not make much of it then. I did not know the Mother presence there had fixed on Me as Her only and forever mate. To Me, at the time, She was only one of many encounters I had had. This one had turned out badly, and I had wanted to get away from it as fast as possible and forget about it.

It was fantasy in Her mind that We had had a relationship that I was going to return to, because I had not liked how it felt there. I had no knowing of Her having feelings of it not having gone right, or the way She wanted it to....

At the bottom of the page I remarked:
"If Will means "experiencing" then my yearning to NOT exist, is God's wish to not experience"

p. 36

They never agreed. They always had some excuse or reason, but they never let Us have any space or place to be with One another. This originally imprinted in Me as, relationship is impossible.

p. 37

I wanted to have sex with Her, and they wanted to know if I was going to marry Her, make a home there, stay and become a part of the family, help them and support them for the rest of their lives and anything else they could think of, if you wanted to put it in today's terms.

Then there was the group that did not like the idea of sex at all, or of Her having any with Me, or of having any without them or whatever their agenda was, which I was never sure of because they never made it clear. They were an extremely pouty, emotional and indirect bunch who never made themselves clear, at least not in my terms. Althugh they seemed to understand each other well enough , when it came to Me, they never acted like they understood Me at all.
I wanted to have sex, and a great rage was building in Me around not being allowed to go ahead and have it. I needed to release the pressure of My growing sexual frenzy or I was going to explode. If I was going to explode, I wanted it to be pleasure and not what I felt building up in Me this way. The more held back I felt, the more desperate and frantic I became.
[I noted -in 1999: "How is the need for sex connected to pure existence? Or what are the primordial needs - i.e. neither "Imprinting" nor 'Lost Will"?

See the complete text of pages 1-6, 7-25 , 25-37
p. 40
(since I was re-reading this book also during the 5 hours of my occupation with the Israel Land Authority in Beersheva, on July 23, 2012, I used the margins on this page to note: - send her a link to The 1996 Testament in "Desert Peace Process2002f - and in Hebrew: ktovet ha-naekhes: Mitzpe-Ramon , gush 39033, khaelqa 1, khozae harsha'ah - Company for Desert Resources Realization LTD 511939852

p. 43
I moved past Purple in the rage that had these feelings of self-protection, assertion and aggression. I gave Purple the impression that it was not welcome in My spectrum. I hated the Purple game of calling Me and then not receiving Me. I hated the Purple game of moving sexually and then not going for the actual experience. What sort of tease and torture scene was this? Was it their sexual pleasure and perversity to deny themselves the actual experience in favor of the tease and the pleasures of the fantasy?....

p. 44

... We did not talk about these things. It was clearly understood by her not to question Me or disagree with My agenda. I let her have her own life, and she let Me have Mine. I did not let her know most of what I was up to there and gave her the impression that I only wanted her for sex. She was not to have others, but I could have anyone I wanted. I had to flow freely. I could not be tied down, limited, restricted, controlled or dominated. I had to go when I wanted to go and come back when I wanted to come back.

I never told her this, though I only implied it, and rage kept her in line....

p. 46

.... I was losing My inspiration. I was getting bored and restless in Blue. I wanted to move on; out into Manifestation more than I was already, but not until that space was the way I wanted it to be. I planned to push the Will-polarity back because I did not want them there.

p. 49
No wonder I did not want to look back or remember for so long that I actually did forget everything except My reluctance to look back, which was on top of the heap. making it impossible to go deeper for a lng time. That's how avoidance became the name of the game then.


I have not wanted to question anything I have done, or look back over My past at all. I did not like the look or feel of any of that. Now that I have questioned it, it doesn't matter anymore who was the cause of what. What happened, happened and it needs to be healed.

I had a part in what happened, although I did not think so originally. Originally, I thought I had been set up and victimized by something other than Me. Not originally other than Me, but turned against Me like a movie out of control with a cast of characters who have taken over the director's position....


If this is the first book in the Right Use of Will series that you have picked up, do not read it unless you are willing to go back and read all of the other books in order first, because reality is, you will not know what I am really saying otherwise, and so this book will not help you in the ways you hope it will.

If you go back and start at the beginning, you need all of the books, of which this is the eighth. In numerology, the number eight is power in the physical plane, but it needs to be the power of True Understanding and Balance which Spirit and Body cannot find without the Will and true Heart.

Many people think that Spirit, Body and mind are capable of finding True Understanding and Balance, but this is not the case. If you do not already know this, you are not ready for this book. The long, painful and difficult search for True Understanding and Balance has been almost entirely co-opted into obscurity by point of view.

Because of this,most people do not know what the true Heart really is or what the Will is even for anymore. Most people think the Will is nothing more than positive thinking by the mind.This is not the case, either. True Heart is more than heart on the Spirit side of things.. Until the Will side of heart is fully understood and integrated, there is no such thing as true Heart in anyone on Earth.

To be ready to read this book, it is necessary to move along with your own Original Cause to know that you have this point of view problem, to know what your point of view is, to be moving the emotions that have held your own point of view in place for so long, to have been into your gap enough to know what it is and how it has empowered the holding of your own point of view, to take responsibility, not only for your own victimization, but also your own perpetration and to know how to realistically widen your point of view. Even many of you who have read all of the books and think you are ready for this one are not, unless you are moving along well with all of these things.

If you are taking this path or are going to take this path, be a good reader. Go back over things after you have moved emotion and see if they have other or deeper meanings than they did the last time or even the first several times you read them. Look deeper and feel deeper than you ever have before, rather than blame the path for your own apparent lack of understanding.

There are many things that are only one line in the books, but focusing on those portals can open vast areas of information and movement to you. Other things are said over and over because people still don't get the point, and it has needed to be said in many different ways and in many different settings over time for it to start to penetrate long held points of view.

Your lack of understanding may not be apparent to you, but it certainly is to My Light. I know that this path works. If it does not seem to be working for you, you are overlooking key points in your own movement or need to face the fact that you are a fragment who left the Main Body of essence without everything you needed to sustain yourself as an individual. Shocking as it may sound, there are many people on Earth who have this problem and have not allowed themselves to notice this about themselves, yet.

You need to suspect that every one of your beliefs are quite possibly either not reality or not all there is to reality. There is so much more to reality than anyone has ever suspected that it is not even possible to write it into books. As lengthy as these books have gotten to be, it has only been possible to give the most necessary parts of the information on the Main Body experiences along with some information about the most relevantly aspected fragmentation
[sic] that took the roles of the Main Body at times and usually, even when they thought they were only trying to be helpful, gave out confusion there. Without the realizations We have now of what Our own gaps were doing to oppose Us, We could not do any better.

Those of you who do not know what you have been doing in your own gaps or are not willing to take responsibility for what you have done in your own gaps should not read this book yet, either. It is not right time for you.

All of life, for the Four Parts of God, has been a search for True Understanding and Balance, but the past lives I am going to go into here are particularly exemplary of this search in that they are lives that have impacted many people and are lives in which most of the major players in the fragmentation were there. You will have to go into these lives yourselves to find your own participation there which will relate very closely to your own Original Cause positioning, especially in the gaps We are looking at now for healing.

These lives are not easy to read and understand in the ways they need to be read and understood. You are probably going to have to struggle with the painful parts, not even knowing why you have to read them at first, because they are not the usual superficial presentations of these time periods that give Us no new information... These are not pleasant pictures of historical figures. They did not even live long, because they could not handle the struggles they found themselves to be trapped in.

It is not possible to have it go on like this anymore; feeling is that healing must take place, and that it must take place now. If you feel this way, you need also to be ready to go into the depths of your own being in the presence of My Loving Light, for it is there, and nowhere else, that you will find your own True Understanding and Balance.

[I don't know when I received this book (through Renata), edited in 1999. But I noted a quote here:
"Expressing the Mother in your body.... is best,
when it's like play.
Yes, the Mother's essence is consolidating,
but not in the way consciousness consolidates
around a single focal point.
Magnetic essence creates and opens space,
and unlike light,
is not limited to any particular space."

p. 1


I originally felt heart pushing up and out of me through what I would later come to feel was my own heart area, but then, I did not know it as such, because form was not yet formed the way it is now. It was a pleasant feeling, full and good, welcome, soft and warm, like flower petals opening

after such a long time of no feelings of expansion. It was as though there was a swelling in my breast, like growth in Springtime, that wanted to go toward the light I was finally beginning to perceive in the dark void.

The feeling of desire was so strong in me, I was literally bursting forth with what I felt must be love in me for this light. There was nothing I noticed more than this yet, but soon after that, I had feelings of such longing and hope for this light to come to me, which I did not perceive it to be doing yet, that I could not understand its reluctance, and I felt resentment toward it for that. I did not notice that for a long time, though , because I did not feel that I wanted that to be a part of my feelings there. How could I resent something I longed for so much?

I rather immediately hated my feelings of resentment when I so longed for the light already. I could not understand how the two feelings could co-exist, but I had these feelings, nonetheless. This light could not love me the way I loved it, I felt, or it would notice me more and give me some indication that it was trying to move toward me.

I had not noticed whether or not I was moving toward it; there was no relativity other than my feelings and my perception of the light. My feeling of movement was a feeling of wanting to draw closer together. Movement was a feeling taking place within me; that was what I noticed there. The more I felt my desire for this light as a growing feeling of expansion within me, the more I began to fear the feeling that I was going to burst. It began more unpleasant than I had wanted to acknowledge at first.

p. 2

The essence that wanted to burst forth, which I would call heart now, had other feelings. "Let's go to it," it was urging, but I did not know how. I did not know that it was receiving from this light already something that was making it feel able to go. I only had the feeling that I needed to draw it to me. I thought my heart was my ally in this and did not notice many of the other feelings heart had there.

Heart did not feel integrated with me in those places, and later, I found out, even rejected or neglected, and I have felt the same toward it, but I had fears I needed to move with there, and as big as they were getting, I could not focus on anything else. There were suddenly so many feelings moving in me now, trying to grab my attention all at once, and many of them were not feelings I was ready to have



Continuation of the series
"Amazing Pictures"

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 1


~~~ golden light falling in space like a shower of golden sparks . I watched it with fascinated horror, yet found nothing I could do to stop what was happening, and wasn't sure I wanted to since the Mother's presence in this light felt so uncomfortable to Me there.

The Ronalokas were falling away from Me and I could not reach them without being propelled back on Myself. I could not talk to them without them hearing something else in My voice that I was doing everything I could do to make sure was not present there

I had given it one last try. I had beseeched them not to leave Me. I had given them another pep talk about staying in the Heavens with Me as their right place, but it had all fallen on what might as well have been deaf ears. They had looked at Me with their wide eyes, which they could roll so expressively, and let Me know, in so many ways, that they did not trust or believe Me, that it was boring to them in the Heavens,
[see my song below] that too many of the ways things were being done there were not to their liking and that how they felt about things was more important to them than anything else. Shades of their Mother were all over them. She had never given Me any peace or acceptance in these areas either.

If they did not like how it felt here, maybe it was better that they go to Her after all, wherever She was, but I could not understand why they wanted to go to Her in the darkness rather than staying with Me in the protection of My light.

They claimed they were not leaving Me for any reason other than that they wanted to go someplace that felt better to them than

p. 2

the Heavens, someplace where they would feel more received than they had felt in the Heavens, someplace that felt more like home, but I could notice the many undercurrents here

They had tried not to let Me know where they were going, but I had seen them looking at Earth and knew they planned to go there. I knew they did not know what was involved in that journey. I wondered if they even could get there, or if they had had some secret communication with the Mother, and She planned to guide them in some way I did not know about.

Whatever it was, there was nothing I could really do about it. They seemed determined and even rebellious toward My questioning of them about it. I gave them My last speech, hoping they would reconsider and admit they needed My help, but they were their Mother even worse than She was and responded as though there was no help necessary from Me.

"Now My light knows better than that," I told them, to which they issued fierce denials. I might as well have been their slave master talking.

"Nah suh, we's jess fine!" they, in effect, answered Me there.

I wanted them to like and trust My light, and move toward Me, rather than fall away from Me into the vast and dark reaches of space. I had feelings too, and My feelings said they were not going to like it out in space without My light there. They were as frightened of the darkness as their Mother had been, but I could not get them to listen to this. They did not like or trust Me here, apparently, because they kept backing away from Me and the more I approached them, the more they backed away, until, finally, after My last appeal I let them go.

What else could I do, order them to stay, or be an intimidating Father whose efforts to reach them looked like I was advancing on them aggressively? Next they'd be accusing Me of this, but I also knew that if I backed off, they'd accuse Me of neglect or of not caring. I was exasperated with them and could do nothing more than watch them go and hope that the light from My gaze upon them followed them and helped them somehow.

It felt to Me like they were out of control, or at least drawn by something beyond their control. Off they went, drifting out into space, falling down, down, down, burning first yellow gold, then orange gold and then reddish gold in the growing compression, until it looked to Me like their light was gong to burn out before they reached Earth, like shooting stars do.

I could not look anymore. I stopped looking before they

p. 3

they reached Earth. I told Myself I lost interest, but it was not true. I did not want to look because I had a feeling of
fear, stirred by remembering the Mother originally falling in space, that if their light did burn out, it would somehow mean the end of My light too.

I also had, welling up from someplace within Me, a feeling of relief that they were gone, and all of their Will presence with them. It gave Me a feeling of upliftment, freedom and expansion. I had not had in a long time. I had guilt that I felt this then and was not more concerned with their fate in space, but I also had a gap that could not move toward them and did not care to.

I busied Myself with other things and told Myself that maybe this was what We all needed. Maybe it was an escape from an existence that had not been turning out to be what We had wanted it to be. Maybe they were just going outside My light to give themselves an escape that way. It certainly looked to Me like they were going back to whence it had all appeared to come; the dark void. I could not dwell on this for long because it started to bring up feelings I did not want to have to feel about whether or not the Mother might also, then, be gone for good. I was not sure how I felt about that and I did not want to have to look at it. The gap did not want Me to look at it then, and I was not allowing Myself to notice, yet, the ways in which the gap had power over Me.

The Ronalokas were quaking in terror, but holding it in as hard as they could and not moving it. They did not know how to move it , nor did they feel they had found any receptivity for it in My light. The just wanted to get away from what they viewed as the source of it; My light. They were unable to look at My light from any point of view other than the one the gap had initially imprinted in them.

They had all been smacked by unloving light before they had the opportunity to know My light as love. Even in the places where some of My light was mixed into the places penetrated by the unloving light, they did not know the difference in the light they held because they did not really know what love was.

They did not know how much they, themselves were love and the smack was not, because the unloving light did not let them know that. Instead, it gave them the view that My light was a punishing light which must always be appeased and to which they were always going to have to make amends, could never feel pleased with themselves and would have to live in fear of its next strike and of its judgment against them, no matter how pleasant I appeared to be at times.
      [On July 17, 2012 I noted here in       Hebrew and in English: "Instead of       zest-full-ness and full-fill-ment we have       Self-hatred ~~~~Guilt~~~~ Lost Will}

They had experienced the gap and lived in fear that I could do

p. 4

a fast switch from My apparent pleasantness and deliver a punishing strike against them. They were imprinted with "comply or die" and have not moved much from that position except in moments of rage polarization that have stemmed from that light also.

In ways that must be understood now, the Ronalokas have been both victims of this light and perpetrators of its presence, as has been the Mother, but not in the ways that you might think, since these imprinting problems took place at the subconscious level before My light brought consciousness, and it was My light that did not allow the bridge to be built from the subconscious to the conscious when My light was contacted.

This bridge needs to be built now, and not by understanding, at first, but by just letting the feelings move in response to the story, without mentalizing them or polarizing into the reasons why they should not be allowed to move stem from imprinting by the unloving light that has not allowed them to move in all of this time, so it is a tricky and careful balance you will have to find here. This movement is not going to be easy, and will have to happen a little at a time, but it is necessary so that these emotions can show you what they have to teach in the way of understandings. This will build the bridge from the subconscious to the conscious mind as nothing else can.

Will and Body have always known the truth of what needed to be understood about imprinting, but have never been allowed to speak in Their own language. Instead, They have been saddled with a mind imprinted by unloving light, which did not allow Them to unfold Their own story the way it needed to unfold, but instead demanded that They come up to its level without going through Their own necessary process.

When mind has said, "What are you shaking for, there's nothing to be afraid of?" and, fed by My own gap, has appeared to have the greater power, it has not been possible for Will and Body to unfold in an atmosphere of receptivity and loving acceptance.

Shame caused the Ronalokas to downpress and control the quaking of their terror in the presence of My light, which they viewed as the gap
and they were not wrong since My light had not noticed its presence there with Me yet. They feared My light following them to Earth and judging them even there. They did not dare say this because of their imprinting, but they let Me know this, nonetheless. The problem was that My light did not reach understanding on this for a long time because of the lack of openness

p. 5

there, and My seeing of their gap and the denials involved, but I also know that the distrust they felt there, because of Me not seeing My gap and opening to receive them on it, did not allow them to say anything direct to Me lest their survival be threatened with another smack. and so I thought for a long time, that they did not want My light present with them.

In spite of the denials they issued, they were also terrified to go to Earth without My approval, guidance and accompaniment because of imprinting from the smack that was interpreted as: Initiating their own movement from their own desire was not acceptable to My light.

p. 50

I made a massive solitary confinement out of my whole existence with My heart imprisoned there in stone because I had Him blamed by the Lucifer I had become , for being vulnerable, stupid, weak...

I had convinced Myself that there was no one who could understand or accept Me as I was anyway.

..... ... having been told She had replaced Me with Heart soon after the first time I left Her.

Who told Me is another question. I had fragments now, and many of them professed to be My allies. I did not know about My own gap.....

p. 54

They have had Me competely guilt-ensnared about the children...

...I don't know what is so hard about what She is doing. It wouldn't be any big deal to Me if I took over Her job. I'd get everything done quite simply without all of the emotionality She gets involved in.

I have guilt telling Me not to say this, but I have the feeling that no one likes Me to talk like this...

...What if I'm like this more than you know, and all rest has been a guilty presentation of what love was supposed to be? Love according to who? The Mother, I say, and that's why guilt is what I say She is.

Feelings is what She is supposed to be, and yet, She wanted Me to rush past all of My actual feelings and present only the ones She liked. What's different about that than My approach? I wanted it My way and She wanted it Hers, and never the twain shall meet


She has feelings that make everything easy because there is no power struggle and no competition. ....

... He belittles Me for it and says I am not a man. I don't know where He got the idea that "man" has a cut-off point that does not include woman and then He tells Me he is everything.

Everything but woman, and woman is not supposed to be taken seriously in this Creation;.....

I love My Father. He was My first connection to light and consciousness, but My Mother has the feelings I must have to feel loved by Them. I am waiting for My Father to understand this and take in His other half, no longer viewing it as something separate from Him that He doesn't like, and stop shaming Me for having the other half He never took into Himself the way He should have.

I am waiting for My Mother to understand My Father in His light and His consciousness and stop looking at Him as if He

p. 56

should know already what He has never known about Her, while saying He was unfair to expect Her to have known Him already.

.... They are always fighting about who knows more, who is right and who should be doing it whose way.

....She wanted Him to love Her as She was already and then see what She might change around....

p. 57

She said His answer to that was that if it was pleasant, what did it matter? She felt there was more to it than that and did not know if She could trust Him in that way. When He left Her pregnant, She knew She was right...
She could see glimmers, where before, She saw nothing but darkness. She did not even know there was light until He came....
...I was with My Mother, and We drifted, but We never talked or shared anything in what I would call consciousness. It was all feelings. We communicated very well that way, but it was not the same thing.

It was nothing in My Father's terms, and He was not interested in it when He came to My Mother. Feelings were very black and white to Him. Either it felt good, or it did not, and that was all. To My Mother, it was never quite that easy. Either it felt good, but ~~~ or it felt bad, but ~~~ This was maddening to My Father, who felt He could never get Her to make up Her mind.

I think I woke up to Them fighting over what felt good to Him, and whether it felt good to Her, too, or not. She was saying, "Yes, but a little more gentleness would be appreciated." He took that as a "no," because He did not like having to adjust Himself to anyone or anything.

I have heartbreak that He did not llook at this more and salvage the love that was trying to be born there and become Me. I have rage and hatred, too, that He had to move so fast and not take time to notice or appreciate My presence there as anything He wanted to value, cherish, or even have.

p. 58

He seems to think that it would have grown into relationship [sic] with others and everything else the rest of Us had in mind there, if He just hadn't been rushed and pressured and pushed before He was ready, but He does not seem to notice that He rushed, pushed and pressured everyone else to be ready the moment He was....

Do you understand why I throw up My hands sometimes and say that it is not right to say this, but I wish I had never been born?

Mother feels blamed when I say this, but She has to understand that if She had not pulled on Me for companionship, I would not have been there when Father came along. Then Heart could not have happened until it was right time, which it wasn't when I appeared, as Father has said. He has also said that it was right time and that it was perfect that I came along when I did, and that I am His son and that He knew it all along. I do not know which version to believe; His gap, which is what He says in His rage, or His light where everything looks good.


so quickly there with the feeling of my heart swelling like love bursting forth in the Springtime.

Terror was there around no response from this light. There were feelings of such a heartache and longing that had been there for so long, it seemed to me they had died or nearly died in unrequited agony, and as they stirred again now, it was almost immediate heartbreak the moment this light did not seem to be responding to me the way I wanted it to. Bitterness set in that became the judgment, "There was nothing loving for me after all; excitation had stirred this essence back to life with false promises and hope that there was at last something there for us, but it was for nothing, because nothing good was going to come our way after all."

Something I had not even known was present, and did not know as part of me, left me then before I could know anything more about it other than that it was there, and to it, I became lost Will in that moment without even knowing what was happening to me. I feared it was exasperated with me, but I did not even know it, because I was located in fear of what all of these uncomfortable feelings were going to do to my chances there with this light. .....

There were other feelings moving out of me, too, in waves; feelings that I could not hold back this growing feeling of love, longing and excitation. The light was beginning to sparkle like a party going on, and I wanted to be a part of it. I hoped whatever was leaving me hadn't gone to this light already and given it unpleasant impressions of me, but I was afraid that it had. If it had,

p. 3

what room was there going to be for any problems I might have? I was not at all sure this light loved me in return, and so I was very afraid of what impressions it was receiving of me, and then afraid of my growing heartbreak and terror. What if it came and all I had left to give it was all of these feelings immediately upon arrival when it hadn't even really done anything to me, yet, except not come to me for so long?

I did not have the answers to these questions. I did not even have the questions. I just felt it all as feelings, and I did not know how else to do it, other than to send my love to this light and hope that later, it would be able to come to me in a feeling of understanding and knowing what this long period of darkness had been like for me. These feelings of longing felt so old I did not feel anything could be older than that.

It seemed like such an interminably long time I had had these feelings of longing that I felt too old to go to a party now, anyway. I decided to stay home in my fear and let my excitation go forward. I was already feeling so pressured by this excitation, anyway, that it seemed to me I could not make it stay with the feelings I feared could not be made a part of my welcome there; at least not yet.

I hung back with something I did not yet know was a smoldering rage. I did not even know it could grow into rage, and this needs movement in the Will, even now. It did not want to admit that it even was part of the Will, and soon, I could not communicate anything I was feeling to it without feeling guilty that I didn't listen to it ....When it moved back and glumped [sic] up, it was a very uncomfortable feeling for me, but I felt relieved, too, I didn't want to have those feelings there with me to make this light feel put off, in case it was going to respond to me.

I sank down into depression, while in my heart area, the feeling of aching and pressure was becoming unbearable. It frightened me; that was what I noticed there, and I felt that I could not stand it another minute unless something was going to help me by relieving this feeling of pressure there. It was a feeling somewhere between compression terror of not being able to vibrate anything up past my heart and immense pressure from within that could not get any bigger without someplace to go. While heart was swelling up in me like this and getting ready to leave, or burst forth, as I experienced it then, it was more than that. It was fragmentation, too, and I did not know it.

p. 4

The light was coming closer then , exciting more and more of the essence there with me... In spite of my fears and insecurities, my bitterness and feelngs of being sick and tired, old and nearly dead, I still did not really want to be left out. I was not very direct about it, though. I did not know how to make that known without feeling like I was inviting myself to the party and then not feel able to trust that **) I was wanted there. [IN May 15, 2000 - while in my fragile abode at the SaltSea - I noted: *) instead of saying it the victimized way: 'and then not being wanted there'!] I was hoping this light would notice how I felt and make me feel invited instead of like I had to invite myself to go when I was not sure if I was wanted or not.

I was not even sure if I wanted myself or not the way I was there, but I was hoping for something to help my feelings go through a change. I hoped this could happen if the light could come all of the way into me and accept all of me, instead of parts leaving me, but the parts above where I was located kept feeling like they could not stand this excitation much longer without leaping toward this light, which meant away from me.

As much as I just wanted relief from the growing feelings of pressure there, I also wanted to hold this excited essence back, feeling I did not want it to leave me this way. I wanted to pull the light all the way into me, instead. I pulled on the light with my desire to have it there with me, and I pulled on it from my sexuality, too, as a way of saying, "What about this part? This part needs response to it, too." I was very hungry there and I did not know how hungry, until this light came near, and I did not know that this excited part was increasng my feelings of pressure by already pushing me down and away.

I did not know what was happening with the light there, either. I did not know if I was feeling it right or not, and hoped I wasn't, because I feared its response to me was not a good one. I was feeling worse and worse about myself, because it looked like so much wanted to leave. The bitterness there probably pushed out some essence that was reluctant to go, but more reluctant from guilt than anything else, I felt then. It looked to me like nearly everything wanted to leave, either with the light or in the other direction with the smoldering rage The feelings I was getting, I interpreted as; it all wanted to leave, it all needed to leave, so it all should leave, and it all should be allowed to leave.

p. 5

Suddenly there were many faces there in my heart area, all superimposed on one another, as if they were getting ready to unfold as separate [sic], but there seemed to be a lot of confusion around the progression of it and rivalry. In my fear of how to present to the light, I had a momentary glimpse of them as changing faces, as if there was a fast flipping through many female photograph portfolios, and a trying on of identities the way some women go through clothng changes trying to decide what to wear when they're getting ready to go out somewhere. I thought they were reflectng my fears as an attempt to make the right presentation in the form of, "Will you love me like this, like this or like this?" Essence stealing my images, my moves, my faces? Daughters, perhaps? I didn't know. I didn't have any of those impressions until rage screamed back at me that this was the case.

I did not understand what I was projecting into the heart there;it was my dream to have a bouquet of the many faces of my love to present to the light if it came to me, but the more they postured and posed and started looking good, the less I felt I could go anywhere with them. They just seemed to want to be loved the most and noticed first, which gave them a pushy manner I did not like having there. I really wanted to be loved just for who I was there. I did not know what I looked like, so I did not know what was a true reflection, but I did not like the reflection of my own uncomfortableness there.

I made judgments toward my own efforts to please the light. I did not like this approach and did not want it to be a part of me anymore, but it still went on. The more I saw what turned out to be Daughter trying on so many identities, with more and more faces appearing there, the more I felt inferior, used up before I even had a chance to get started and as if I had nothing left with which to feel like I even should dress up. Smoldering rage already wanted revenge for that. I did not like it, but it was all happening so fast I could not respond, and then they were gone. This was later claimed to have been all survival terror. I could not help but feel there was more to it than that.

The more my growing feeling of unbearable pressure made it feel like my only option was to let it all burst forth, the more agitated and excited it all felt to me, as though it couldn't wait to go. I felt so overwhelmed by these sensations it felt impossible to know what was happening there. The feeling of pressure was so great in my chest I could not give my attention to anythng else. I felt I could not handle holding it within myself anymore and was not capable






Lighthouse guard in Mare.
France must be one of the most courageous peoples on the planet.
Not everyone will have a smoke in such a weather and in such a place

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 5

This is a major imprint that has kept this frozen terror from moving all of this time.
It is important that it move now, everytime it is felt in response to the initiation of any movement that is not approved or required by someone of perceived greater authority, even if it is the voice of guilt from within. Trust of self is at stake here, and if you do not trust yourself, you do not know who else to trust.


Movement in these feelings is all going to look frightening and desperate, even hopeless and impossible at first because these feelings were imprinted before they had ever expressed themselves. They have never moved in the presence of love or been able to gain understanding for themselves before. What has happened to you in the past, when these feelings have moved in the presence of hatred, has been devastating reversals, sometimes triggered only by the unloving light held within you when it has felt you were not behaving appropriately. So do not pressure yourself to move past the place that feels safe in moving your emotions here, and do not expect too much from yourself. Do not try to go particularly fast. Instead, work steadily on your emotional movement here and learn to notice the "voice" for what it is when it criticizes you for movement and for lack of it. ...

Work on moving the emotions of how you feel when the voice of unloving light criticizes you rather than moving to please "the voice." Work on moving the rage of your self-hatred that has been allowing the "voice" to beat you up for moving emotion and for

p. 6

not moving emotion, until you can find compassion for yourself underneath this criticism and, finally, loving acceptance for how you have suffered in the past and for how you need to move now.

Move without expectations on yourself, as much as possible, and without the word level of unloving light running old beliefs through your mind any more than necessary to see what these beliefs are that have, for so long, held back emotional evolution in these areas. Guided by intent, emotional movement that gains compassion and love for itself can change imprinting by allowing Will and Body to unfold the movement They need in the progression in which They need it to build the bridge to consciousness that has never been allowed to be built before. Also allow movement in your terror of allowing this, since imprinting says Will and Body are the Ones who have taken you to death and near death many times already and that it is this voice that protects you. This is imprinting from unloving light.

Notice how, when you start to allow this movement, unloving light says you cannot, or should not, allow this because you will displease someone else with it. Look at who comes to mind as being displeased by this and notice the role they play in your life. ....

The feelings that need to move here came from the terrible experiences that were imprinted in the Will-Body essence in the dark void; first when there was no light and then by the unloving light. My light was there, but It was not there with love for the Will yet. My light knew fear there and did not move toward It as Will presence. I was not moving toward the Will or the Will side of Body yet. It was not possible because form was not there yet.

When I did move, I did not pay attention to how My movements would affect Them. This ignoring allowed My movement to be a sudden, harsh and impulsive response to the terror I felt there. I had already gapped

p. 58


p. 59

.... I did not want to see My creation turned into any of the things they talked of, but they did not listen to Me. They had gone off so long ago, they thought they were the original ones and had imprinting that told them they didn't have to listen to anyone but themselves. They have guilt on top of expressing the feelings they hold within themselves, and old imprinting running them that says these feelings are not to be expressed, only ignored in favor of more pleasant things, but they have a gap, and they can be flipped into it without much pressure at all.
I did not realize how unloving I was being toward Myself to hold back the feelings I had there.


I did not know what was Mine in the beginning, and you did not know what was yours, either, I used to think it was all Me, and

p. 60

so it did not matter what form it took as long as I like it. Then I learned that the other parts had rights because it was not right for Me to dictate everything from My head, as though nothing else mattered.

I had other parts, and They needed to understand Me, but I also needed to understand Them. I needed to understand that Heart moved according to Heart's desire, and that it was not always My head's reason and progression that mattered there.

What a boring world it would be if everything was always reasonable and rational and no Heart ever sprang forth to give Me more excitement
than that....


If My light (sic) speaking this way is new to you, I suggest you start with the other books I have given, because of the layers on top of this imprinting that need to move first. This imprinting is the crux of the situation, but I do not recommend that you try to go there first and understand how to access it and move it into healing. It's important to know not only what was put into place, but how it was put into place. That is why it is important to move along with the story also.

You need to move along in a progression here and that is why I do not like having quotes lifted out of context from these books in the name of helping others. It does not help others. I have said these same things many times, and they have not been understood because they were not given in synchronization with the movement necessary in the personal Will of those needing to understand these things. ...
[I, Christa-Rachel, am , indeed, "lifting quotes out of context" here, but I'm doing it for myself, in order to be more efficient in learning]
-but see at the end of the copied Orange Book - my understanding, that this advice is thoroughly justified.


p. 6

of holding it back anymore. Was I giving birth? I did not know. I only knew I could not hold it back, and it could not be held back. Even though I felt like an old woman, in my experience with this I was like a young girl who did not know what happened when love was born in any form, and with so many feelings present at once, I did not even know for sure if it was love.

There seemed to be something going on in the light that was similar or so I thought from what I could feel there, but suddenly, a large part of what seemed to be coming forth from the light's heart area was pushed back and down and came into me through a lower place that was pushing in on me there; its form later became penis, I would say now.

What came into me there felt like another heart presence similar to my own, except male, and he felt to me to be in great confusion, similar to my own. It felt warm and very sexual to me where he was, which I would now call my womb, and he seemed to be involved in this, but he seemed to have even stronger feelings of having wanted to stay in the heart area where he had been.

His feeling was that he had wanted to have the Father and the Mother bond together from the Heart where he was and that then, he would take the Daughter Heart in his arms to begin a relationship with her there, but he did not know how to articulate this yet; it was only a strong feeling presence within him.

That Heart would get born from the Heart area was our original impression of how form was going to go there, and we did not know what had happened to that or what was wrong with it, except that something did not feel good or right to us about what happened there, and we have never really been able to find peace about the form this took, because he has never been able to find his right place as a part of Heart since then.

He was imprinted heavily by this and felt frightened about himself, as though maybe he wasn't really loving and was trying to make too much of himself by trying to take a position that wasn't really his to take. He felt he had been separated from the rest of Heart and shoved down out of Heart, as though his romantic intuition about Heart was not wanted, right or welcome there, and shoved into sex too soon as though that was all that was wanted there.

He has felt angry voices on him saying, "This is what you were urging toward, this is what you wanted, here it is, so go for it! Grab it now before it's too late!" He has felt he was pressured to act this

p. 7

way more than that he really wanted to and that he could not find the love he wanted to have there.

I was overwhelmed by this presence at first, and then, in our confusion, we wondered if maybe he was supposed to make a full circle. It was then that I noticed the diminishment of pressure in my own heart area, as if it had been plucked from my breast at the same time. He tried to come up through me, emerge from my heart area and go back to his place in heart on the opposite side, but he could not do it. It felt way too compressed to him, and I was afraid of the mounting pressure there again. Then we notice that the light was not even there the way it had been when he started trying to come up into my heart.

That piece of heart and I both feared the feelings of pressure and hoped the excitation of that presence would soon return to us and that maybe full circles were what this light had in mind, but if not, what would happen to us then? We.felt like there was nothing there to help us vibrate, or breathe, and that we could not vibrate the compression we were in without help. The longer this went on and nothing returned to us from the other side, the more we felt washed back in the wake of something that had left us. The feeling was one of a rescue boat having filled up with the people it wanted and rushing away in order not to have to face what was going to happen to us then.

When heart finally slid down and out of me later, if was in a feeling of shame for having gone to that place in me instead of my heart. He was big already compared to how he had felt when he came into me, and I did not know how this could have happened. I was exhausted from trying to vibrate in terror and compression. He seemed to me to be stillborn, and I could barely help him there. I tried to lift him up into my chest area in a feeling that even if he was dead and I was going to die, it was better than being alone there.

There was still some warmth in him, and now in me, too, from having him there. I wanted to hold onto him in a feeling that we could somehow nurture each other in this way, but I could barely move and the feelng was of a mother who cannot bear to let go of her dead baby. I tried to hold him because I feared that he might also be plucked from my breast, and I had feelings of wanting to guard and even hide him.

We lay together there and tried to hold onto each other but could not do this very well. The growing terror and compression seemed endless and bottomless. We struggled desperately, but this made us weak from exhaustion, and we would lose so much

A coincidental funny composition on Facebook
- with 5 Jewish Rosenzweigs [including me though I no longer bear this name]
may celebrate the 21st birthday of my grandson Alon Rosenzweig

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 6

and responded to the impulse to smack at the most frightening things I had found in My existence without even knowing I had done it. I did not realize It was the Will-Body polarity or that They were the most frightened things I had found in My existence. I imprinted that It was something threatening to Me. I did not know that the Will had feelings of the same sort toward Me only after It had been smacked. I did not realize until later that I had been ignoring the Will's efforts to contact Me. I had shrugged them off as wiggles, or startles of increasing awareness within myself.

p. 7

This is all rather mental sounding, but needs to be said in order for the next part of what I have to say to be understood.

I had a Spirit-Body, in that I had the form of having light and it was differentiating vaguely in response to My thoughts as the drifting changes My light was experiencing at the time, but I did not have a Body in the way I wanted it as yet, and still do not, really. I have physical bodies all over the place with My light in them, but none of them, as of yet, lets My light in unconditionally enough to give form to how I would like My manifested existence to be. This is because of what happened with the gap.

I needed to move toward the Will-Body Polarity in response to Their efforts to contact Me, but I was not able to do this because I was not being given any form with which to do this. Where My focus was, I was being left to drift and not given any form I wanted to have, and where My focus wasn't, I find
[sic] out later, My light was given form as the smack. Thus, I first met up with My Body in the gap.

This needs to be looked at. I have many questions for Body here that need to move directly between My light and My own Body and around which you all need to move because you are all involved in the gap, the problems and the imprinting here. These are questions which Body has not answered directly in all this time.

What I want to know directly from My own Body is this: Why did you first give form to the light in the gap as the smack? Why didn't you give form to My loving presence first? Where were You when I needed You to give form to other impulses earlier and You were not responding? There were many things going on in My consciousness. Why did You not give My light form earlier in any other places and ways? Why, when I was ignoring and shrugging off wiggles, not knowing what they were, did You give these flicks and shrugs the form of psychopathic killers [see] killing the wiggles? Why did this have to be the experience the Will had as a first response from the light? Why didn't you give form to where My focus was, which was wanting to find a mate? Why was I not getting any response from You there?

I was ignoring the wiggles, this is true. I didn't know what they were, this is true. I didn't want My focus intruded upon because My focus was upon ardent and romantic thoughts of a mate I wanted to reach for with love. I did not want to be intruded upon by these wiggles because it felt like I was being shaken from a dream in which I was desperately trying to stay present with My

p. 8

dreams of a mate. I didn't know these wiggles were my mate trying to contact Me. If You were there to give form to the wiggles and You were there to give form to the shrugs and flicks I was ignoring, why didn't You recognize this as My mate trying to contact Me and help Me reach for Her?

I know I was including You there in My dreams of a loving mate because I was already dreaming of loving arms with which to reach for Her. If you want to claim that You were loving there and it was I who was not, why were the flicks and shrugs I was ignoring given form as the psychopathic killers [sic] ? Why did You interpret Me the way You did? Why did You kill the parts of the Will that first tried to reach for Me, and then say You only did what I told You to do as though You had no feeling to do this Yourself and were only following orders?

Why didn't You respond to the love being born there? Why wasn't there a gradual growth of response from form that kept abreast of My gradually increasing consciousness so that gradual growth of definition and coordination in touch and movement could have allowed a gradually increasing familiarity of relationship? Why couldn't loving arms have come forth from this?

Why the smack instead? Why a brutally damaging and gaping wound that has not been able to heal in all of this time? Why didn't You respond to My love being born in romantic thoughts and feelings? Didn't You respond to love? Don't you respond to Me? Aren't You My Body?

If You want to claim that You did not know any more than I did
and were only guarding My love from intrusion, why did Your imprinting later show this not to be the case? Why the smack? Where were My loving arms? Why did You leave Me floundering for form here? Didn't You want Me to have Her? Were You jealously guarding Her for Yuurself? Were you punishing Her for reaching for Me? Why so cruel? Where was the love that would have let Her choose for Herself if You thought there were two of Us? Did You want Her for Your own unloving purposes?

Why didn't You stay present enough with Me to know what My impulses and feelings really were there? I wasn't so serious about getting rid of the intrusions that they needed to be killed. I was frustrated about not being able to move and give form to the

p. 9

ardency of My romantic thoughts.
I had a growing urgency when there was no response of form being given to My efforts. Later, I grew angry, even, about My floundering for so long without any response that could give form to My desire to reach.

If You can only give form to what I have present, as you have claimed as a way of saying You do not have responsibility here, then why this form? This was not what I had presence in. If YOu think it was, You did not understand Me here and got out thee without My light present and then denied it later, saying this is not possible, yet it must be and is possible because psychopathic killers are bodies without Wills to feel the harm they do, running on imprinting from unloving light. What did You get mixed up in out there?



p. 61

My light has to be the inspiration, the Will has to be the differentiation in that, Body has to feel like doing it and Heart has to love what is happening there. ....

Finding the balance has to be a process according to how it feels. It has to feel good, but feelings have to be felt more than they were in the beginning in order to know what really is.

...move these things that have been out in fragmentation out of your being once you know what they really are. The problem is you do not know yet, and you have never known because they were never given a chance in the beginning. They began to form in ways that were not understood, and it was never looked into as to why. It was lost Will immediately because it was not loved immediately.


I wanted to go back out of existence before I had my first encounter with anything else. I had been alone for so long in nothingness I did not know there could be anything else other than nothingness and nothing going on.

My fisrt encounters did not feel good to Me, either. They were like sudden, startling, random encounters that I did not expect. I did not know there was anything else there.

They were the beginnings of essence forming in the void; nothing really, yet, only something vague, like the beginnings of a

p. 62

mist , coalescing, perhaps. For a long time that's all there was, but it was enough to give Me a jolt when I felt their presence there. The interaction gave a feeling as though they were almost particles of some sort, not solid yet. My first impression was that these encounters were all with something else.

They became encounters I dreaded, because I had no control over them, and whatever I was colliding with seemed to have no control over them, either. They were often not gentleencounters. They were bumping and grating, shocking and startling Me into the negative response of wishing I had not had the experience.

Gradually, there were more and more of these encounters until it seemed that there was something coming in on Me in the void in increasing numbers. Whatever it was seemed unconscious and indifferent; just something, not even particles yet, or sub-particles even, if a word has to be applied here, as though it was being blown in on Me from someplace, I did not know where; moving over Me, past Me, under Me and around Me on their way to someplace else, perhaps, or maybe just shifting aimlessly in a void as I was, not knowing what was happening in them or where they were going.

There was essence in the mist now, imprinting these simple events and responses to them as though the mists were photographically impressionable. Interpretations arose from these impressions that have governed all life, ever since.

At times, there were none of these encounters; at other times, only a few, seldom colliding, as if chance did not bring that to Us when there were so few; at times, so many I felt bombarded. Gradually, there began to be a coalescence in places, as though I was in some sort of sea of mist with empty spaces in places and more density in others; a sea of mist in which I was drifting without any sort of control, sometimes blown by a cosmic force that did not feel kind to Me. It felt harsh and uncaring, shifting and scattering Us like sand in a hard wind. We only moved in it. I felt no sign that it mattered to this wind what kind of experience We had when it came rushing through Us as it did, but I felt all of it and did not like it that it was so random, harsh and cold feeling there.

I did not know what this wind was or where it came from. It never said anything to Me. It only blew through Us, scattering Us like it wanted Us to move out of its way. To Me, it seemed angry, not gentle, kind and caressing like I would have liked. I thought existence was hopelessly dismal and harsh and nothing I wanted to have any part of. It was a heartbreak to Me already that I had longed for so long for something to be there with Me, and it had to be this.



p. 8

awareness, we would let go of each other and become lost from one another at times. This was extremely terrifying to us. Sometimes, it seemed like a long time before we vibrated at all again, yet our desire to try to live, for what reasons we did not even really know, drew us together over and over in these scenarios, and we did not understand how or why things kept happening to us in this way.

We were feeling heartbreak and terror as a very deep and large emotional presence in ourselves, but could not express it. Trying not to get separated, we spent long periods of time enfolded in one another, because no matter how horrible it was, there was some comfort that way. We would feel into ourselves and into each other deeply at those times. What we were doing together there was bringing our vibrational level up,
but we did not even know that. We felt ourselves to be close to death.

We were trying to save ourselves however we could and, not knowing how to do that, were trying anything that might make us feel better. We felt we needed to make noise, some of it loud noise, and lots of it, but when we tried to make sounds, we would feel unreal, hate ourselves for the way we sounded there and feel that we had to shut ourselves down. ... Not only did we hate ourselves, we hated ourselves for hating ourselves and did not know why. We didn't understand what the problem was here or feel able to just accept ourselves and let it happen any more than we could just accept it that we were gong out of existence from compression and terror.

We felt we had to do whatever we were doing to try to feel better in secret but did not now why, since there seemed to be no one else around who was really interested n us, yet we still feared that what we were doing was somehow wrong or shameful because we did not really feel like mates. We felt like mother and son, instead....It didn't make sense when those who had left us weren't showing us... they had any interest in ever coming back to us, yet, we were still afraid of them. We were afraid of hurting them and afraid they were going to strike at us for hurting them. We tried to push those feelings aside in favor of what seemed to make more sense, which was that they weren't coming back and that's all there was to it, but the feelings persisted anyway.

p. 9

The essence that had left us feeling so ripped, damaged and abandoned sounded like it was having sex and lots of it, but I, especially, was very frightened by the rageful sound of it. When those sounds started, we really feared attacked, as though that light was not going to allow us to have anything there. We told ourselves we were aggrandizing our importance to them, yet, fitful and short-circuited as it was, every time we would start into emotional movement in response to our situation, we now had even more problems. Now there was a voice there that said, "You are only feeling sorry for yourselves! Get over it!"

Sometimes we sank deep enough into ourselves in a silence that seemed to go unnoticed long enough that some comfort was reached, and sometimes feelings of sensuality and sexuality began to arise in strong that I nearly orgasmed spontaneously lying with heart there but would shut it down just before I did in the fear that it was wrong.

I did not know it then, but heart later said he did orgasm at times , and that sometimes he felt like he was inside of me, even when we were barely undulating. Sometimes these were intense orgasmic feelings for me and intense orgasms for heart, but we felt ourselves to be so unformed there that we were not sure if this was sex we were having or not. We were not even sure if we knew what having sex was or not. We feared this also because it was not how we really wanted it to be, but we felt we had never been able to experience this very consciously with anyone else and could not imagine how we could now, since so much had happened there between us already, and no one else seemed like they were ever going to be interested in coming with us into the terrible feelings in us that had been preceding it.

As much as we were frightened by and ashamed of our approach there and of how we had to go through such terrible feelings first to find even a small place of pleasure in ourselves, we began also to fear that we were terribly twisted and sick to have these feelings and could only dare show this to each other because we both knew we were already there in it and didn't have to bear the shame of showing this to anyone else and fear being even more rejected and judged than we already felt.

There was a growing bond there that we could feel each other and know each others' pain better than anyone else ever could now, and we feared what this was going to mean, if the ones

p. 10

we had originally wanted for our mates ever did come back. We also felt some pride that we had been able to get anythng at all going for ourselves. We even had little places in ourselves that began to feel that we were the best sexually and the best for each other in spite of everything else ... and it was true that whether we cried, raged or went into terror, we did not move away from each other. Heart never really abandoned me there; not even sometimes when I wished he would just leave me alone because I was so ashamed of myself there.

"We shouldn't feel so wrong," heart would tell me. "We're not doing anything to hurt them, and if we are, they deserve it for leaving us and taking up with each other. If they are together and you are saving yourself for him, then what do I get? Am I just second choice at best, everywhere I go? "

[August 8, 2012: I don't understand why "heart" here is never written with a captial H as usual. Was this only a "piece" of Heart?]

That definitely had an effect on me, because it was not that I didn't love heart, and we did let one another know that our feelings of sexual pleasure were maybe even more than what we had been able to get going before the ones we had wanted as mates had grown impatient with us and left us for each other, but that never really worked for long, because I did not love heart in that way, and I could never embrace him as though he was my mate, or let myself fully orgasm there, as though I was foolishly saving myself for someone who didn't care and might not even ever come to me, but also because of fears I could not explain or really understand there, other than feelings that there were going to be consequences for opening to heart there without the Spirit side present.


Crescent Moon-Tower - Dubai

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 9

Why did you come sliding around the side so to speak? Was it because YOu were already out there as the psychopathic killer attacking the Will? Didn't you want Me to know about this? Is this why psychopathic killers kill the evidence of their having had sex? Where did the imprinting that the Will is a seductress and the wrong lure come from? Did You come sliding into place at the last minute, like psychopathic killers do, when it looked like My anger was an impulse You could finally align with, and not only that, use to cover Your earlier deeds and make it look like it was My fault?

If not, then why the smack? I have agonized over this forever, watching everything run awry with an imprinting I didn't want it to have while watching You deny any responsibility and go on as though uninvolved and unconcerned, only to hear Your rage say "She deserved it!"

Even when this rage was not in Your Main Body, I saw and knew that this rage came from You.

If You want to say you give form to everything that has presence, then where was My loving reach toward the mate I was dreaming of?

And did You think that meeting My questions with blankness, avoidance, lack of presence, silence or, "I don't know," meant I couldn't do anything about it, especially if You didn't move to give Me form here? Is this where the major portion of Your intent truly lies? Do You really hate the Will and all of the other parts of My light? From the looks of what's been happening in the gap, it has appeared convincing that you do and the longer it has gone on with You not responding directly to Me here, the more it has appeared that getting rid of Us is, or at least, has been Your intend.

p. 10

Is this why You have not let Me in? Is this why You have not let Me have presence in form any more than I have had?

If I have to take responsibility for ignoring impulses and what that caused, You have to take responsibility for what You ignored and what that caused, because Our misalignment was causal here, and You can no longer take only the stance of victim by saying You can only give form to what is already there from My light, the Will and Heart, as though You are the only One who knows what is really there, yet have no power to resist Me.

If this was true , and You could only give form to what was present there, where did You find the power to give form to impulses I ignored and not to impulses I wanted to have given form, and where have You found the power to resist Me for so long? This has only perpetuated the original problem of not coming around to give form to the presence of My light.

You have responsibility for the gap along with the rest of Us .
You were not forced to give these impulses or this ga form by My light in the way you have claimed. I want You to quit using this as an excuse to avoid looking at Your participation and responsibility here and take a real look at this. If you were forced, what forced You? Was it unloving light? And if so, why were You aligned with where it was and not with My loving light?What drew You to respond with form there and in that way when I was trying so hard to get You to pay attention to the impulses I was focused On? My loving arms were left trying to be
(sic) while unloving arms almost killed the Will. Didn't You want love? Is that why You struck at the Will and at Me? If unloving light forced You to do this, why don't You move to get rid of it?

I want You to look at this. I question Your intent to respond to My impulses early when they were still weak and fanciful love-dreams of the sort "real men" have sneered at about My light for so long. Where did that reflection come from? I question Your intent to align with My impulses until they served Your own purposes of power, sex and alibis. I question Your intent to respond to Me as a loving presence. This is all My imprinting says about You. This needs to move between Us.

At the very least, You were not present with Me enough to know fully what My intent really was when You first gave it the form of striking the Will. The only notice You seemed to give to the part of My first impulses that was My frustration and anger at Myself for not being able to move was that You damaged Me, too. Did You already have Me trapped there, unable to move until You

p. 11

could deliver the necessary blows to get rid of Me also? Are You that smart? You have, in Your rage, always claimed to be smarter than Me, and You have not felt loving there. Is this Your intent?

If I was ignoring unlovingness, what were You ignoring? Love, I'd say. If My light had unloving impulses, I say You responded to unloving impulses and didn't find anything else that was going on interesting enough to notice, let alone respond to with form, for a long time; so long, in fact, that when You did respond, I feared it was more from guilt, or to cover Your actual position, than a real alignment with love.

As You move along with this, You are going to want to say to Me that there was presence of love being given form because loving light was bonding with the Will in places or We would not even have the Creation we do have with any love present in it. This is true, but it is not all that needs to be looked at here. From the point of view of the gap, what I have been describing is what happened and all that happened there, and You have never wanted to look at this, and more importantly, move emotion in this, as anything in which You have responsibility as the perpetrator. Instead, You have just wanted to say from the Will side that My light was the gapped asshole that caused all of the problems, or leap over to the side of My light, which has really been more My gap, and say that it is all the Will's fault without wanting to admit that this is unloving imprinting and that it might be wrong. What is Your role in keeping this war going while claiming You were only its victim? What has been Your vested interest or intent?

These leaps have been schizophrenic and unable to connect the two sides together at the same time and in the same place because of the gap of Your own heartlessness in the middle. For someone who has no responsibility for the gap, You certainly know it well in others. I bid You would know it as well in Yourself. It is what You have been leaping past.

If You had superior knowing of what love was and wasn't that made You have divided intent about whether You wanted to manifest and give Us form or not if Your life was going to have be with Us, why didn't You come forth and use
[sic] it to help Us instead of hitting Us with lovelessness in Our own places of lovelessness? Where was Your superior knowing in that? Where was Your superior love in that?
At least You have to start here by admittng that lovelessness was a problem in all of Us, ... and let go of Your superiority position and also of Your false humility of

p. 63

Then I had another experience. I collided with something that did not feel bad to Me. It felt good. It had not collided harshly, and it even seemed to linger in passing as though it was trying to tell Me something. Suddenly, now, I was excited and wanted to live to have more of this sort of experience. I longed for something to be held there with Me that I could have relationship with; something that would feel good, like that had felt. I longed for that.

I had no idea what relationship was, I just didn't want to be alone anymore with nothing I could hold onto, feel close to, or feel it knew Me and I knew it. I had experienced nothing like that until now, and now it was all I wanted and I wanted it all the time.

There had been nothing in the void for so long I did not think there could be anything, and now, after a long period of harsh, colliding relationships I did not want there with Me, there was something My heart wanted to leap for and hold onto.

I had no means I knew of to contact or find this piece ever again. I just longed for it anyway, because I did not like being alone in a darkness that felt so vast and impersonal, while I felt so lost and small. I could tell nothing of My existence, really. It was utterly dark. Either I could not see, or there was nothing to see. I could feel, that was all.

I had a feeling now of longing for something in particular, not just for something. It had to feel as good as this had felt, and I did not think anything else ever would or could. Does water ever taste as good as the first drink the desert-parched peson takes? I hoped so, ...

I already feared there was only a little good in a vast darkness of bad experience, ...How could I encounter this again and have it feel as good? Perhaps it was only the angle at which it had collided with Me, and it did not matter who it was because another angle would have hurt just the same, or perhaps even worse than all the others.

Then I remembered it had seemed to try to tell Me something, and I had thoughts now that I had not had before. But, how could I tell if they were My thoughts or His, as I now referred to this relationship that I wanted to have. I was exploding with questions and had no answers. Perhaps there were no answers, and I should not try to find them. Perhaps there was no problem finding Him, and I only could not see.

I tried to see outwardly and see if I could find Him in the sea

p. 10

Heart felt like he knew more than I did there because he had some light and begged me not to be so foolish and lose what little vibration I had by holding myself back that way. He would say: " I have some light and can generate more if you will help me. How do you know we are not going to draw or make the light we need? How do you know we are not meant for each other? They show no concern or love for us! It's obvious to me that it was sexual feelings that drew the light before. Why are you looking at us as if there is something so wrong with us and with what we are doing here when you should be looking at them that way? You know we are just trying to have some kind of a life here and that we're barely doing that! Quit holding back!"

I did not know. It was just a feeling, or maybe only a hope or an impossible dream or fantasy. I tried to go along with heart and,

p. 11

later, others, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not let my orgasm really happen there. Heart raged at me sometimes, and we felt hopeless and rejected at other times but we also both shared a deep sense of shame and guilt about what we were doing there, as if it was not right that we even try to live
[sic]. I tried, but no matter how hard I tried, I was only able to fear that we were going to be attacked somehow and punished for what we were doing.

When heart became enraged at me for this and said it was my fault we weren't getting any better, I saw that he had these feelings and just did not want to have them. I feared heart, too, then, but rather than insist that he had these feelings he did not want to have, I took it on myself that it was all my fault and said nothing. How could I? I had nothing to say that could help the situation; only a long list of fears, guilts and shames.

This piece of heart and I would lie together for long periods of time, sinking down and down into these feelings, the intensity of which was overwhelming to us as physical sensations, also. We could not stand the pain and, for long periods of time, could not even speak, because it took so much for us just to stay conscious in all of this.

In this emotional and physical pain, images began to arise that were not pleasant pictures of ourselves. We did not know where this was coming from, either, and were afraid we were becoming worse, not better. I really feared I was wrong then to go into the emotions there, because it seemed to be vivifying all of them into glimpses of ourselves being mangled and tortured and other horrible things I had never recognized as present in us before. We hardly dared mention this to each other but needed to, because the images were so terrifying that I, especially, would cry out to him, at times, in terrified outbursts, and then feel immediately guilt, because I didn't know why I was having such feelings there when he seemed to be my only ally. I feared I was accusing him wrongly, because I was crying out things such as, "Please don't hurt me! Please don't push me farther down into terror! Don't abandon me to be totally unable to vibrate here!... You're not really going to kill me, are you?"

There were also some times when we got into sexual feelings with each other more than at other times. Sometimes we got some very intensely orgasmic undulations going between us, based mostly on feeling so deeply into ourselves and one another that we temporarily lost track of everything else except wanting to feel good in this way. Sometimes I did have orgasms then, especially if I


Office of Selgas Cano in Madrid

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance
p. 12

powerlessness and lack of responsibility, which You have thought concealed this, and when backed down, has claimed to be so unfairly blamed that You are going to go unconscious, give up and die. This reveals a position of superiority that would rather die than find out this is not the truth.

Your denied rage has blamed Us much more directly, and will continue to until You move to change the imprinting here that says it is We others who were loveless and that that was what caused You to not want to give Us form ... and was what made the reflection of lovelessness when You finally did come forth, doing only what We made You do, by giving it the form of hitting Us with Our own self-hatred.

I say You did not come to peace, first, with Your own existence, same as the rest of Us, and that You need to do this now and stop blaming it solely on the rest of Us. This lack of acceptance for Our own existence, which means all of Us, is what made the reflection of self-hatred.

If this is not the right perception of You then what was happening out there that I was getting such terror and other feelings coming into Me from the Will which I misunderstood and didn't think I deserved? And why did I think there had already been another man there who had frightened Her out of opening to Me? Who has been the unloving presence here?

I would like Body to look at His responsibility here, at least enough to let Me know if He does not intend to heal this with Me now, and if He does intend to heal, to move what He needs to move with Me to let Me know what my light needs to know directly from Him. The longer this has gone on with Body not looking at this and not giving Me any response here, the more He has left Me to fear and to surmise that His intent has been what I feared it has been; to cause My demise and to also kill everyone else, including Himself, because He is not sure He wants to live.

Clarifying His intent with Me here is a very important point, because later, when I wanted My Body to respond to Me as a loving presence, He didn't trust Me on that, nor could I trust HIm as a loving presence of Form either.

I held back from Body because this was all My imprints said about Him, and He kept stirring My imprints.. I was not sure I wanted Form given to Me by what I felt there. Body held back also, blaming Me as the unloving monster He had to give form to in the gap. Thus it was that while the Father of Manifestation claimed to

p. 13

be a victim who was not being empowered by My light the way He wanted to be, I thought the Father of Manifestation was against Me when He would not give form to My efforts to reach the Mother as a loving presence. With the imprinting in place here, it has not been possible either to trust or to convince Ourselves otherwise no matter how pleasant and loving We have appeared to be toward others or toward One another.

This distrust has been being run from the deepest levels of the subconscious, and it is from there that it must change by opening the door to the bridge being built to consciousness through emotional movement of the charge which has been held there at the subconscious level for so long.

Because this bridge was not built originally, the Father of Manifestation remained of divided intent as to whether to live or not, and therefore, whether to help manifestation go forward and manifest or not, and I remained of divided intent as to whether I wanted Him to manifest as Form or not, until there was such a large gap between Us that the Mother could not stand it. Not knowing how important it was and not finding a place of acceptance to just move Her survival terror, She called Him forth on the wave of such a strong promise of sex, as the Father of Manifestation's imprinting interpreted Her moves, that He could not ignore it, and which She did not really deliver, imprinting in His denied rage says.

Knowing what I know now about imprinting, I am not surprised that the Father of Manifestation came forth as He did, because sex was the only other thing He responded to in His imprinting besides the lovelessness that made Him feel like He must be in control of the sexual situation. But then, I was surprised that He came forth without any apparent regard or response to the presence of My light, or of Heart, pounced on the Mother in a position of dominance and control, and very effectively covered it up if He had any other feelings present there by immediately going toward having sex with the Mother in My presence and in the presence of Heart.

Not that I am saying there was any other place to go, but also, there were no niceties involved in this.There was no gradual growth of relationship, no courtship, no foreplay, and I did not see any love present in Him for the Mother the first time They had sex. He did not even introduce Himself to My light, Heart or the Mother and I could not help wondering that if He did not already know the Mother, how could He proceed with Her like this when

p. 64

of dark and drifting mist, but I did not know how to look for Him or what He would look like if I found Him. I had no way to know Him other than by how He felt when I had collided with Him. ...

I decided I would have to try to keep open to anything that felt good and try to feel what it was that felt good about it to Me. Perhaps I would notice something that would tell Me if it was Him or not. I did not know how to go about doing this, but I had hope now and feeling good as a comparison to not feeling good. I got excited any time I felt something in the mist now, in case it might be Him.

I did not know why it had to be Him and not any encounter that felt good. ...I made judgments about Myself there that I was not open to new experiences already, when I had not even had any to speak of. I hated Myself for not being more open, but I could not help it. l...

Then I began to wonder if I was as important to Him. ...

I found Him then, I thought, but I had no way to touch Him. He was only something that caught My eye, like a person in a crowd and no way to get through. Then He was gone again before I was even sure it was Him, shifting His position in the mist, as though He did not notice Me or did not want Me to see Him. I was afraid.

Perhaps it was only that He had no way to come to Me, but I noticed now that I had found a way to move toward Him; not a very good way, since I had trouble moving just the way I wanted to, but a way, nonetheless. ...

I moved toward Him another time, or at least I felt it was Him, ... I began to fear that He did not like Me, or that He was not the One and did not know Me.

I was frustrated with Myself that I might not know what I was looking for, or that I was being fooled something that looked similar

p. 65

or shined in some way that attracted Me. I had little trust for Myself anymore, and the more I looked, the more it seemed that many parts of the mist looked similar and behaved similarly, too, drifting as if searching for something it could not find.

...Perhaps I had ony thought there was a Him for Me...Perhaps it was not even right to have preferences that created expectations much less have them fulfilled.
[August 9, 2012: The old image of "God": He has no preferences, therefore no expectations, therefore no pain.] ... I decided to let go of Him...

I could not do it. I was always looking for Him no matter what else I was doing. I noticed nothing without looking for Him there. I felt nothing without feeling His touch there. Everything reminded Me of Him. Maybe everything was Him, and I did not know how to recognize the other ways He approached Me.
Maybe I was expecting Him to be the only one way; the way I had originally liked Him. I did not know anymore and sank into a depression where My consciousness seemed to leave Me, and nothing happened for a long time.

Then I awakened in a feeling that He might be right near Me, because I was having thoughts and feelings I had not had before the moment He touched Me. It was such a strong excitation, perhaps He was in Me and not out there anymore, but it was so fleeting.

...Perhaps My response was a new response in Me... not caused by Him... Maybe it was Me and how I felt the moment He touched Me. ... but I didn't like the frustration I was having there.

p. 12

was surprised by them, and most often if I was asleep or nearly asleep when heart did this. As much as I enjoyed these feelings and felt them to be healing me, when I again could not give in to orgasm when I knew I was having these feelings, or wanted to, I felt more frustrated than ever. I felt so stuck. I would almost orgasm, and no matter how I pressured myself to give into these feelings with heart, I would still shut down just before it would happen.

I felt deeply afraid that it just could not happen for me because I had too many things wrong with me, I was in too much pain, I had no idea how to get there, and so on down the list of imprints I had from the original split. I was frightened about myself, felt there was something really wrong with me and could not feel a way to ever get out of this to the point of beginning to hate myself for even having sexual feelings and to hate my sexual feelings.

My sense of myself, my own spontaneity and my self-confidence had been deeply shattered in the beginning, and I did not know how to heal it. I felt deeply dismal about myself and tried to tell myself that it was because I had another mate in mind and that heart in that place was just not the right one, but where was the right one? When the one I had originally hoped was the right one finally did come to me, he did not feel the same as he did at first, and I could not give in to him, either, the way I wanted to and had hoped I could... I did not know it was sexual rage and frustration....that needed movement. I was so deeply frustrated and hungry sexually that this did not really make sense to me.

Heart was trying to reach me in those deep places of frustration, hoping that if he just touched me in there and in ways that he hadn't found before , it would bring forth the healing that seemed to always just elude us. I felt this needed to be slow and deep because of my pain and damage. I did not know myself or how to tell what would hurt me and what would heal me.

This was how we initially got into sex together without realizing at first that it was sex, because we were just trying to reach into each other as deeply as possible. Heart understood me here, and I really appeciated his efforts, but sometimes he would become so frustrated at my slowness that he would lose control, and I was too guilty to rage at heart there. How could I? He was my only ally.

Heart would really pound me sexually sometimes then and even hurt me at times. He realized what was happenng before I did and realized it more fully than I did, but holding himself back

p. 13

was not always possible for him.Heart, even when a rage took over that thought it really might kill me, or should kill me, was genuinely trying to help me there, and it felt like he was trying to get past his own heartbreak and take me past mine by trying to prove to me he could be the one, was the one, was capable of being the one or could become the one. He was having orgasms and did not like it that I was holding back. It made him feel at times like I wasn't giving him a chance, and at other times, like he was not really fulfilling to me or just couldn't quite do it. In his great frustration, he would say things to me such as, "What if this is all we are ever going to have? Can't you ever let it be enough or make it feel right enough to have some pleasure? What's wrong with me? Let me be enough!"

I was having feelings of loving him there in many ways and of him loving me, but there was such a reluctance in me that I felt terribly guilty and like a constant complainer. We were doing our best to let it happen, and even though we were frustrated that we couldn't seem to fully heal ourselves, what we were doing there was helping us to raise our vibrational rate more than either of us realized, until the attacks began to happen. They were small at first but grew bitter as time went on, until it began to seem like nothing noticed us as long as we were unconscious or nearly dead, but when we started to feel good and feel the least little bit like we might recover, something seemed to notice us that felt like it wanted to stop us there.

It started with little zots [spots?] of light in his back that I did not know about at first, and when I did, I had feelings of wanting to protect him there, which I did by holding him there, but then I did not know how light was supposed to come in, having never received it before. I just had feelings of wanting it to be softer than this, because this hurt. Sometimes he would get so enraged after receiving this light that he would start punishing me as though it was all my fault that it was happening the way it was. I feared he was right and judged that I just did not know how to receive anything.

The feelings I was having there were co-existing with the punishment and were very intensely pleasant, but I did not like the punishment aspect at all. I told him this many times, and he would say he did not know what made him do it, because he loved me, too. The little healing we had done was easily reversed by these attacks. I was so near to being a corpse there that I feared he was going to do me enough additional damage that I really would be a corpse. I could not find much reason to protest becoming a corpse except for some survival drive that did not make sense in my situa-

While sculpting this composition, I'm constantly rehearsing the song [see also],
which reminds me of my present vocation:

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 14

She had made My light go through a long period of courtship and gaining of trust.

The Mother had fear in Her energy field too, and this I did not like seeing there again. Not only that, She had obvious pain and damage from His lack of foreplay. In short, his approach felt more like rape than lovemaking as the Mother had taught Me She wanted to have it. If this was His way of showing Us that more physical presence was needed in lovemaking, why did it have to be so forceful and loveless?

This stirred My imprinting, and Heart's too, that We had a beast on Our hands who did not know how to behave appropriately, or worse, didn't care to. I was very alarmed. My imprints were being stirred wildly, but I was not allowing Myself to be swirled into them. My misalignment with my Body was already heavily in place making Me feel that I must somehow keep a grip on Myself in the presence of a possible enemy, which was already hard enough, given all of the other emotions that had even more presence because they were more on the top of the heap. I was already feeling that pulling away from these feelings was necessary for My survival; going deeper into them was a terrifying prospect.

We knew we needed to fill the gap and that We could not allow it to grow any larger and still have a chance to hold what We had together. We had not found any other Body essence willing or able to fill this position, and in that, we tried to receive Him as a Brother, but We hated Him too and felt distrust and fear toward the Mother also for what We feared Her involvement and alignment here might be.

The Father of Manifestation appeared to ignore all of the feelings swirling around him in favor of gaining a position of power and control over the Mother, and also as a possible power play toward Us since it made Us feel threatened in such a way as to make it appear that He equated lack of such control with many of the issues already pointed out as imprinting on the Spirit side, but also with the feeling of moving so fast into orgasm that He barely had time to enjoy it the way He wanted to. From His position on top of the Mother, from what I could see, He appeared not to be allowing Her to make any of the moves She might have liked to make, but was holding Her in such a way that He was making all the physical moves Himself, while not moving what appeared to be a heartless sexual rage.

Not only was it terribly uncomfortable, for Myself, and also for

p. 15

Heart, to be present for this, and to have to watch him pounding and pounding the Mother with His hard penis in a fast moving frenzy that was not My style of lovemaking, it stirred many feelings and impulses in Me that wanted to somehow interfere and stop Him; yet I could not move. It was as thugh I had somehow become frozen in time and space again, and along with Heart, was unable to do anything in that moment other than watch it.

We were highly suspicious of Him after that, but moved past this in favor of gaining what alignment and alliance We could with Someone who might have power over Us and also over the Mother, or perhaps even had a secret alignment with Her that I had not know about before.

In today's language, I would say that what happened there was a massive triggering of imprinting from unloving light in which I saw the Father of Manifestation as either heavily imprinted by this light, personifying this light or being, Himself, this unloving light, but I did not have the means to express it then or have the understandings I have now.

The gap was already in place and was not moved out, even though the Father of Manifestation finally came forth, supposedly, to fill it. Instead, He saw Himself as having no right place, or no place being made for Him, as the gap was not where He wanted to see Himself to be. He claimed He hated what had already happened there and did not want to move to give it form. He blamed Me for the form it had already been given, and the Mother at other times, but did not at all let on that He saw any role He had played in the formation of the gap by not giving the form of response in My light to My first little impulses and the first little desires in the Mother for My light.

It appeared to Me that the Father of Manifestation emerged sexually backed-up and enraged, and I say it got its start when there was no response, for whatever reasons are going to turn out to be the reasons, to the initial urges. I would like to see this move as direct rage rather than as any more violently enraged rape of the Mother or of any of the daughters who also stir the imprinting that says it is Their fault, and which is not being recognized for the imprinting it is and moved.

For a long time, I have tried to excuse all of this on the basis of lack of experience, or perhaps that the Mother was luring Him in the ways that He said; at some times and places punishing the Mother , and also Her daughters for following in Her footsteps, watching the Mother trying not to have them follow in Her

p. 66


I had a rage leave Me so early on there that I did not know it was Me. It hated Me, It said it wasn't possible to feel all of these things and have a good time because I wouldn't let go of anything and just let My experience happen It said I was much too picky. It said I wanted everything just a certain way, or it was not the right way for me.
This rage feels its voice has never been heard in Creation, and that it has more things to say than anyone wants to have....

p. 67

...I did not let Myself recognize it then, but I hated Him for not staying with Me, and that was the only place of alignment I had with this voice.

Where I felt the Father had no other course of action He could take and that He was as hapless as Me in the shifting sands of early essence, this point of view said He was deliberate in His abandonment, and that if I didn't notice My own abuse there, he did.

This denied heart voice had a very male presence to it that was not soft or friendly at all. It was very hot tempered and quick to judge. It was hardened already for such a young essence that had only so recently gained any light by which to have this consciousness.

p. 68

I did not like this, but I was submissive to him for a long time and felt the lash of his hatred and criticism on Me like a crippling disease.

I wanted to say some things there, and probably could have found My rage if I had let Myself, but I did not let Myself speak originally because I was too afraid of denied heart and of what denied heart had to say about the Father there. I wanted to deny the truth in that and look only at the love I hoped could be found there.

I made excuses for the Father which made Him seem weak in denied heart's eyes and made Me seem weak also for letting the Father do Me that way
(sic), but I also did not want to move into the rage because I did not think that denied heart deserved this rage from Me ...

I wanted to think that he had only misread his Father's intentions and lovemaking approach there, but My rage had another viewpoint one that I was not letting myself notice. I did not know for a long time that it was also My own lack of self-acceptance for My own rage that was being reflected to Me there along with the Father's denied rage. I didn't even think I had rage to not accept
[sic] and in that, I think My rage began to turn against Me there.

p. 70

"Let me try", you'd say, but I was not interested in you sexually, and that seemed to be all you knew about as an approach there. You had no kind word or touch for Me there. You never held Me and just let Me cry. And I could not touch you in any of those ways, either, because you would not let Me. Why?

Did you hate Him for dumping you out there with Me as something He hated in Himself? Was it because He wouldn't let you stay with Him because He hated Himself for hating Me? Did you hate Me for not loving you because you reflected what I hated about the Father and Myself? ....


p. 14

tion. I saw it more as fear of the compression of not vibrating and the feeling of not wanting to abandon heart there, even though I often had feelings that he would somehow be better off.

The zots of light continued, and they continued to make heart feel fits of rage toward me. Then I found out that these zots of light were giving heart messages to kill me, or at least abandon me, saying I was the reason he wasn't getting to have the life he wanted to have. I found this out because of what he would say to me after these zots of light hit him. I feared he wanted to say these things to me in his own rage but did not know how. The longer this went on, the bigger and more frequent these zots of light became, as though, if he did not comply with them, they were going to hurt him until he did.

When I was able to ask heart about this, he would say that at those times, he had feelings of being shot, usually in the back, by something and would then have strange feelings come into him. He said he had images come into him at those times of things he felt he was supposed to do there. He said he felt compelled to follow those instructions and had to struggle against them, beause he didn't really want to do it. He said he was struggling to find healing images with me, but they were not coming to him, and other images were. He would not tell me what those images were, but he would let me know by the things he said the next time he became enraged, and I began to realize that I could hear what these zots of light were saying to him.

I was deeply terrified. I did not know how aligned he really was with these messages and images because he would not really talk to me about them. I cried a little in heart's arms because, by the time we had reached the place of me even being able to ask him anything at all, he had softened again, but the feeilngs were way more than I could move there. I feared that heart could turn on me at any point there where this light hit him and do I knew [sic] not what or how terrible it would get before he got a hold of himself again or if he even always, could, would or even wanted to stop himself anymore.

These thoughts were never pleasant to have. It was bad enough to feel what we felt there, but the next rage message, or zot of light, would usually say to us exactly what we had been fearing there but had not put into words. The zots of light would say it to him like this, "She's not getting any better, so put her out of her misery and get yourself out of your misery, too! She's not able to live because she can't live. She won't let anyone help her. She's the rea-

p. 15

son you can't have the life you want. Get rid of her!"
He would say it to me like this, "You're not getting any better. You won't let me help you! I should just put you out of your misery and leave. You're the reason I don't have any life here. You won't let me have any life."

There were other messages like this "You have let yourselves [sic] get too damaged to live like this anymore, but you are too terrified to surrender to death." He would give it to me later in his rage as, "You are too damaged to live, but you won't surrender to going unconscious and staying there."

We did not know why we were getting messages like this, but they amplified our terror, because the feeling of it felt to us to be laden with undercurrents that had a way of deeply reverberating in us that did not feel good. I felt like heart at least had a chance if he let go of me and felt there must be something wrong with me then that I could not just go ahead and die, because it felt like together, we were not being allowed to live, but death, which we took to be as far down as we could go, never felt to me like the escape I had hoped it would be, just more terror and less possibility of vibrating of expressing it.

Next message, "You'll never be free, because you won't just let go and let it happen the way it is meant to."

This left us with the feeling that we were being watched and listened to somehow, but we did not like the way it felt. It felt like that light knew everything about us but for some reason would not help us, or at least, not me, anyway. I began to be fatalistically bitter, even self-destructive, not caring what happened to me, but smoldering rage was furious over this and kept telling me I was stupid to listen to anythng from this light or even feel like I needed it. I couldn't understand why it wasn't in the compression terror I was in and did not know it had given that to me and had refused to feel any of it. It had hardened itself like a rock so it couldln't be compressed any more, but I didn't feel being hard like a rock was something I wanted to be, or even could be, as terrified as I was. My heart was hardening there, though, and I didn't know how much.

Next message, "Let go of everything you desire and accept reality the way it is."

We did not know what that meant, but we tried to apply it, in case it was advice that was just hard to understand because of the harsh way in which it was delivered. we felt like we were stupid for not knowing this already, but we did not even know which direction we were meant to go, supposed to go, or if we could even have

see and listen to the original song of 1995

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 16

.... I see now, after all of this long time, that it is the nature of the Mother to be sensual and sexual and that She cannot stop this in Herself without doing more damage to Herself than has already been done.Therefore, it is imperative that the Father of Manifestation move into this area of Himself and find His intent here. If it is for healing, He must move what He needs to move here to move these old imprintings out. The Mother cannot be safe otherwise, and neither can the daughters who align with Her.

If the Father of Manifestation does not move to do this, the Mother cannot recover what was lost of Orange and Red in the original smacks without cutting form out of the picture here, which will not be a sexual experience at all then, but only endless sexual desire without fulfillment for the Mother, which is a kind of torture She has already endured for a long time, and for the Father of Manifestation, continued sexual rage without any constructive way to heal it.

...The Father of Manifestation needs to see why My light has backed away from Him at times and even tried to jump into forms He has not readily given Me, even smackng Him out of the way at times. All the reasons here are not just My own fears, jealousies, insecurities and inadequacies. The Father of Manifestation has something to straighten out here also and now is the right time to do it.

From My point of view, the Father of Manifestation originally embodied the gap, or was the gap, or His right place was the gap...

I did not move to see Myself as a part of this gap for a long time because I was allowing My unmoved terror about this to be shoved into the Mother to hold. I did not think I dared show, or even

p. 17

contaclt, My vulnerability here, so I said it was Her terror, not Mine. I felt too busy and consumed with watching Everyone else...

...His response to Me has been that He would rather continue to lie down and die on Me rather than move to look at this. His continued practice of doing this has fed the images of My rage and terror the idea death was what He sought after all, and that He was dragging the rest of Creation with Him by design. I saw Body as the reason We could not have eternal life then, and it still will be unless Body moves to help Us change this possibility.

I have blamed Him and He has blamed Me and We have both gotten together in places and blamed the Mother. Heart has also gotten involved in blaming everyone else but Himself. While most of this was going on in a state of denial, the loving presentation we were trying to be was not allowing Itself to have these feelings. Given this stand-off of distrust in the presence of unknown imprinting, no other possibility was found.

When I saw the Mother seem to be choosing the Father of Manifestation over Me, part of Me was stirred into the fear that She also had chosen death over life. With Her complaining as much as She did about life as it was, and Me not understanding what it was She was so moved to find out in the darkness, I thought She also viewed death as a better alternative. I did not know She was so frightened of death. She did not let Me see this when She was threatening to go off and die someplace because She couldn't stand life as it was. I had only My viewpoint to go on because I was not bonded to Her there in the gap.

Between the Mother doing what She was doing along with Her denied emotions fragmenting out making Her smaller and smaller all the time, and the Father of Manifestation dumping out deliberately and also losing into fragmentation everything He didn't want to claim as Himself, I was so agitated I did not even see Myself growing smaller and smaller all the time also. I was focused on Them and the feelngs I had that They were taking Creation

p. 71 gently as I could by telling you there must be a better place and that you needed to find it, but you felt My rage that wanted to scream at you, "I hate you and don't want you to ever come near Me again!"

When you left, I felt guilty remorse, I felt sad for you, because from your back as you moved away, I felt something from you you had never shown Me to My face. It made Me feel like you were a little lost boy much more than you thought you were under that hardened and hateful exterior and not just as strong and hardened as you thought you were. I felt what might have been My only feeling of love for you and of wanting to take you in My arms and hold you while you cried for yourself there with Me, but I feared I could not approach you on this.

You would not let Me near you unless you were willing to also feel this, and you had always told Me it wasn't true and it wasn't what you were feeling when I tried to approach you this way.

[this is almost an exact description of what happened between me and my grandson Arnon on July 28, 2012 and several times before, when we met and there was a situation which caused me to point out his denied pain and rage, especially concerning his sister.]
You said it repulsed you. You seemed to hate Me there, as though I only wanted to see misery in everyone and that was all I could relate to or love in others. You made Me feel spit on there and disdained, the sort of Mother who would make Her son a weak man if given the chance. I feared that even if you responded for a moment, it would soon be back to the same unbearable place again, and so I let you go and said nothing and did not reach.
It seemed to Me you grew hardened too soo by having experiences you were not ready for....

p. 74


When I tell about these earliest experiences, I can only give it in terms of the interpretations that arose from them, weaving back and forth between the imprints and the patterns that trace back to them. To be understood the way they need to be understood and changed the way they need to be changed, the mindless, nearly consciousless place they were formed needs to be gone into and re-experienced.

... I am going to let rage move however it needs to move emotionally and say whatever it needs to say, even if it raves and sense has to be made of it later.

I had this rage originally, but I was afraid of rage and how it felt there. It had hatred, domination, revenge and power in mind, and I wanted to go past that in the name of love and working things out. This rage has never allowed anything to be worked out, until I was sure it didn't want that....

p. 75

Only if you are too far gone to notice the repetition, life after life could you not notice that it hasn't gotten you where you thought it would when you started out. You are still not in control of the planet, and you still cannot throw off those who you do not want here except symbolically in ugly, hateful rituals that I cannot even stand knowing about anymore because of the cruelty you have exhibited there.

The only way out of this now is if you want to look at the heartbreak and move it as the heartbreak it really is over not being given love ... If you still have power in mind as the old images you have clung to for so long, you are going to have to move them out as the heartbreak moves in, because you are not going to have power according to these old images of domination, revenge and control. There is too much judgment in that that does not notice the other side as anything other than your original interpretations....

..... I say that to the rage on all sides; immediate harsh judgment and no patience or helpfulness, especially for terror, but you weren't kind to grief, either. You wanted to throw out everything you didn't like immediately, without even getting to know it or whether it had any evolutionary possibilities.

p. 16

anything to say about it anymore if it was already meant to be some way.

We did not know what was gong to happen to us. We were hardly able to lok at each other and were way too terrified to speak but found that we remained in the same place with each oher in that we wee both sinking into this place together. At first, it was a place of generalized hysical pain, and then, it was many paces of physical pain.
There we were, usually together, as the victims, but sometimes, heart was experiencing himself as the perpetrator now, too, and feeling schizophrenic because he was experiencing himself on both sides of it.

At times, we did not move deep enough to get to the ecstasy part, because we could not handle the feelings along the way and felt we were going to go nuts, break apart, shatter, die, explode, lose all rationality forever and all sorts of other things, and in all of these places, some kind of tortuous pain was being used to make it that way. We had more fragmentation going on here than we knew because the feeling of not being able to stand how we felt there was leaving us.

If I cried or begged for mercy during heart's increasing fits of rage, sometimes he would let off of me, and it would seem to stop it for awhile, in that the vividness of it would slowly subside, as my emotions did, to the level of the constant underwash of terror and pain we always lived in. Sometimes that was all we could do, and we couldn't get back there, and didn't especially want to go back there, either, putting it off for a long time,sometimes fearing to even touch each other for fear it would happen again. I'd then feel guilty and hate myself that I was the one that wasn't letting us go far enough down to end it in whatever way it was going to end. I couldn't let go and just let it happen.

Other times, he couldn't stop himself until it was too late and I was unconscious there. When he found his remorse, he would always say that he felt driven to it by the zots of light and the messages he was receiving from them that he never wanted to tell me about but which I could hear clearly enough there to tell him what they were anyway. Then he would at least acknowledge it was true, which made me feel a little better, because at least I could feel that I was not just making it all up that this was happening to us there.

I could feel heart being drawn away from me by these zots of light, even though he said he was not, and I feared that I was not meant to live, was not wanted to live and was not supposed to live unless alone in the darkness with no visible vibration going on. We

p. 17

feared that even for us to try to live or vibrate together in any way meant that we were doing something wrong, and then that we were somehow wrong or evil to want life this way, and then that we were sick to want life this way, because this was no life at all. Then we feared that it was sensuality and sexuality that we were not supposed to have, because that was when we were most attacked. We did not know for sure who or what was attacking us, but we had fears, and we were getting very paranoid.

Heart began to leave me sometimes then. He roamed around, I think, although I did not know where he really went or what he really did. I hoped and feared that he was looking for the voice, or whatever was attacking us, but I was afraid to ask or complain. At least he returned, and at least he was there with me, and no matter how much I told myself I would not ask or complain, I always did.

Sometimes he would come back to me with more rage than when he left, and sometimes he would feel like he had way less rage and had dropped way more into hopelessness, but he never really abandoned me there. I feared him when he returned enraged, and I feared his rage could return at any moment when he came back feeling so hopeless.
At those times, he said he hated his rage and that he only wanted to love me, but the more he said it, the more I feared what was going to happen then and did not know why exactly.

I did not say anythng, though, when heart felt he had to get rid of a lot of his rage or I was not going to live. ... He did love me in spite of the messages he was receiving telling him to get rid of me or leave me. Heart didn't see another option there, and neither did I. All of these lost pieces had their own perspectives on the very confused images and feelings in our situation, and some of the rage took the opportunity to leave us there even more than we let it go.

This rage had more of the unloving light we
had been hit with and had taken it in in ways that then did not want to look anymore to the other side of our emotions as having anything of merit to contribute. It felt scornful toward us and looked down on us, as though it was going to punish heart for not following instructions and killing me, since heart seemed to lack what it took to do the job. All the aspects of this rage presented as though they hated these feelings and had decided rage was the power position and they were not going to survive if they did not stick with the power position. We could not tell them any different at the time. We did not



August 10, 2012
- in the face of all these horrid experiences and learning in our original cause,
I want to hold onto wombing and vibrating my everyday feelings from breath to breath

see and listen to the previous stanzas of this song

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 18

where I didn't want it to go, which was into the reversal of - first, - disintegration and then, death. I hated My formlessness here because to Me, it meant a powerlessness that I could not give Myself or anything else the forms I wanted them to have, and I feared having this power in the hands of someone who was not showing Himself (sic) to be the ally and brother, physical double and trusted friend I needed and wanted Him to be. What could I do but move Him away from Me and tell Him He could not reach Me from there whether it was really quite true or not.

It felt like armed camps in a deadly game, filled with distrust, terror and intrigue of the most life threatening sort. There were threats from all around. Wherever I tried to move I felt checkmated by the Father of Manifestation who was both encircling Me in a theatening manner with forms I was not able to use, and leaving Me with no moves I could make in forms I would want to make them in. He either took the forms I wanted to have, leaving Me unable to occupy the same space at the same time with Him and left Me with forms that did not suit My needs and purposes in places where I did not want them to be and where I didn't want to be, or He manifested forms I wanted to have in places I wanted to be but beyond the reach of the checkmate I found Him to be holding Me in as though He delighted in this display of power and the struggle involved in it.

Whenever I could not make Myself stay present struggling to connect to forms I didn't really want to have, problems arose because the Father of Manifestation would abandon them also, claiming they were not forms He wanted to have either, leaving a lot of empty forms running around only on imprinting that He claimed no responsibility for having created.

The more I didn't want to show Him that I felt I was left struggling to connect to forms I didn't want to have, the more He did it, leaving Me feeling these were the only forms I was going to be able to have other than the wispy and unphysically manifest, checkmated chess king who cannot go forth and manifest any power of his position at all, or the physically handicapped person who cannot coordinate the movements between brain and body, or some sort of ineffective, near idiot.

The more trapped in this I felt, the more the Father of Manifestation seemed to see Himself as winning by manifesting more and more physical strength and prowess that gave Me penis envy. Keeping Me out was making these forms less and less intelligent and also more and more heartless and threatening feeling toward

p. 19

My light as though He enjoyed watching this happen and was determined to bring Me, in this way, into a position of subservience from which I would have to beg Him for help and relief. Mind was getting out there without receptivity to My light. Imprinting was prevailing here, not My light.

While I was experiencing being made to feel unwelcome in forms that might have felt right to Me and being left forms that did not feel at all right to Me, you can imagine how agitated I felt, yet feared to even show, not to mention what was held underneath that, to see the Father of Manifestation go off into the darkness with the Mother and seem to arrogantly and defiantly, not only spawn the Ronalokas in what looked like a massive dumping out of Will-Body essence to Me, but give to them so many of the attributes of form that I had wanted Him to give to Me that it looked like He would rather dump it out into the darkness of space than let Me have it.

He gave the Ronalokas the beautiful agility, flexibility, strength, comfortableness and skill of Body that I wanted to have and also the large genitals and resultant ability to express sensuality and sexuality that I wanted to have. Not only that, He gave them the depth and rich fullness of voice I wanted to have while leaving Me restricted to a high pitched, shallow-throated, sour-grapes sounding, complaining little whine as though He hated listening to Me and was revelling in the power of leaving Me trapped in a form that reflected this hatred.

Not only that, they had a large dose of the sensuality, sexuality and emotional presence of the Mother, which meant to Me, at the time, that I would be trapped both loving and hating them and be driven mad by certain feelings they had whether they held or moved them. And being their Father's children, as they were, they also had a large dose of His obtuseness which did not see any of His role in the gap, only My own, making them unwilling, in the same ways as their Father, to receive Me. In short, He put emotional and body presence I wanted to have in a form that would not receive Me the way I wanted to be received.In the same ways in which I felt so frustrated and enraged in My efforts to get through to Him, and which had fallen apart into a power struggle with Him and so many of the other forms He had emerged, I now also felt all these problems to be present in the Ronalokas.

The extent to which I would be unable to enter the Ronalokas, however, still remained , at their emergence, yet to be revealed. I did not yet know that My gap had gotten there before Me. When


......My rage questioned that and I denied My rage. My rage frightened Me too much by saying that Spirit was loveless, and that it wasn't going to let anything like that dominate, or be in control if it could help it. I couldn't face that possibility then. I preferred to try not to displease Spirit and took it all on Myself. I was the cause of His rage, just like He said. I denied My rage and tried not to trigger His.

I am not doing that anymore. It hasn't worked. It hasn't gotten Me My vision of peace and love that I thought it was going to get Me. I have a picture now of rage and terror and grief and all of the other splits coming together in peace and love, creativity and balance.


You nearly succeeded, and when My rage told Me that hardening My heart was the only way to survive, I tried to do it, but holding Myself hard was not natural to Me. As soon as My rage cooled down, I dissolved into heartbreak and terror at the lovelessness. You were cold even then and called it theatrics...

you have held yourself for so long in that position, convinced that feelings aren't going to be good for you and will be the ruination of everything, that you can barely move to feel anything.

I cannot make a home for this hatred anymore, because I do not hate myself like I used t. If it's not going to move along with you to come out of this old imprinting, then you will have to decide what's more important to you, having a relationship with Me or staying with your old imprinting about Me. I do not want to have a relationship with you if you are denying how you really feel.

I hated anything that overrode Me and made Me feel invalid and unreceived, as though I had nothing to contribute of any value except sexual performance, which I wasn't even good at, either, because a feeling of no love present means no response from Me unless I fake it. I hated you for demanding sex whether I felt there was any love present there or not.

For all of My wonder at things like the insides of little flowers, the planet is looking more and more like a giant, rundown slum and not the beautiful, pristine place I wanted to live for My long existence. This looks like a short term life with no real thought of handing anything down to the children, because they are not loved - in the same ways that denied heart was not loved.

There is still a dismal part of Me, though, that doesn't want to die and isn't sure I can have life and love the way I originally wanted it to be. I am not opposed anymore to the self love that you originally had for yourself, but I do not want it to be selfish, and I do not want to live selflessly. Selfless has gotten used, and selfish has been the user. I want a blend of the two in relationship, and that means healing the gap where it has lain split for so long.

I took it in at the imprinting level that I was intolerant and unloving to expect relationship to be the way I wanted it to be. This was not letting it be free, and freedom was the most important thing. If I wanted to be free, I had to let others be free, even if it meant free to run over Me.

This was an imbalance I did not understand for a very long time. I did not know it was not right to let Myself be run over by others who did not like what I had happening there, but I did not know how to stop it, either.


.... My feeling now is that if I do not let myself accept that I want to be appreciated for what I am, what I experienced and what I know, I cannot really give rage the voice it needs and wants to have in Me.



I want to make another pass through My own story of original imprinting now. I have a lot of information to give in the form of a story of what happened there and cannot tell it all in one pass or

p. 18

have solutions for what was happening to us there. We did not know it was because they so feared our feelings of powerlessness, terror and heartbreak. We were terrified of them and hardly dared show it for fear that would only make them hate us more.

They began to identify rage as the power that propelled outward motion and used it to take change of the situation. It felt to them like finding solutions by taking action. They soon received guidance from this light that holding rage and using it to take action was even more powerful than moving rage the way heart had been doing. They looked down on him as having fits like an infant and began to tell themselves that they hated all expression of emotions as only weakness. They have mostly postured as though they don't have any emotions, making fun of them and belittling them without seeming to notice how full of them they really are or how obvious this is to others who see them there. What they most need is some heart presence toward their own Will polarisation so there will be loving acceptance for what they have been holding for so long.

Enraged at me for not responding to him the way he wanted me to there, and powered to leave by his orgasms along with what they had for light, which was for the most part only these zots of light that was shooting heart full of its twisted assumptions made into judgments as though they were reality, and its resultant hate agenda toward me, they have been a formidable bunch of children to face, especially when they claimed they were nobody's child and didn't need "nothin' or nobody," except when they wanted to blame us or insist that we had to do something for them and parentally speaking, heart left me alone to face them there.

Heart thought that what He was doing was working, because the more he tried to hold back his rage, the more it was out there, roaming around without him, and the less it was coming back to him. Whether it was all fragmentation or not, the lost Will of Heart that was with me there was the father, without knowing it, of all of these other pieces of the denied and lost Will of Heart that need to come in now.

These lost pieces of heart postured as though they didn't mind being displaced and had chosen to displace themselves from the horrible, dysfunctional scene that we had going on because it wasn't "nothin' anyway," but now it didn't look to me like they had any place at all really, because I didn't know there was a "scene" going on out there in the darkness that they were joining into. I just knew I was becoming more frightened of this rage turning on heart

p. 19

when he was alone out there, or turning on me when I was alone, and didn't want to mention it for fear heart was going to say that nothing he ever tried to do for me was ever good enough, that I never liked it and that I was never satisfied, which he did say, in so many words, many times.

Heart never really left me, but he was drawn more and more toward Purple, and what happened there made it even harder to get through all of the shame and guilt under which this has been buried for so long.


Heart also had times when he would cry piteously like a child who was trapped in a nightmare, and who certainly had no Father anymore, and no Mother, either, really; certainly not one who could get him out of his horrors. I cried, too, then and felt terribly unprepared to be a mother and horribly inadequate. I tried to hide my fears more and do whatever I could, because I did not want him to have to feel this way. When I hid my fears more, he hid his more, too. We managed to present as a little more cheerful at times, then, and apparently chose not to notice our fears so much anymore, especially our terror.

A little cheerfulness, presentation or not, seemed better, but it left us alone without our own fears and terrors, and the more we tried to ignore them, the more it left our unpleasant emotions alone without us really being present for them. While we seemed a little brighter and more cheerful, the more we separated terror off from ourselves, the more isolatd and without help, hated by everyone, and now, possibly, us, too, the terror felt.

We told ourselves we were getting better, but the more we tried not to go into these feelings, especially bitter hopelessness and terror, the less we were there for ourselves or for each other. We were trying to get used to it instead of moving it and did not let ourselves notice how much it was building up in our bodies then, especially in our lower backs, buttocks and thighs. [see the conincidence on August 11, 2008-2012]

Our overload of fear and terror, which also included many other people's denied fears and terrors, felt very abandoned there. Feeling more and more abandoned, even by us now, and programmed by how many times it had been said that we had no life, were going to die if we did not get out of this terror and how often it

These trees grow in the forest near Gryfino, Poland. The cause of the curvature is unknown

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance

p. 20

I did get there, it was as though the Father of Manifestation had already told the Ronalokas, "Here comes that gapped monster who thinks He is God. When He gets here, for your own good, do not open to Him. You are My children, not His."

Even though the Ronalokas felt fear and mistrust of the Father of Manifestation without knowing why, they acted as though fear of God was a natural and right position and did not seem to question this.

I felt hated by the Ronalokas from the first
(sic), which they have denied, but I saw them not only as another form I wasn't welcome to enter or even hang around, but also as threatening toward
My light in the same ways as the Father of Manifestation. I saw the Ronalokas as allies of the Father of Manifestation. I even saw it as the Father of Manifestation trying to hide what was most threatening to Me about Himself by putting it into the Ronalokas.

When later He tried to tell Me He was only trying to give away what He felt My light didn't want Him to have, not only did it not ring true in the face of the rest of the feeling tone there, but once again, imprinting's presence made Me feel it was impossible for Me to get it across to Him that I wanted to be embodied and empowered by those things He was dumping out without having him act like He felt that either I wanted to murder His most precious and dear children of whom He was the proud and devoted Father, or that I would not let Him have anything He wanted without wanting to take it away from Him for Myself. I did not know how to get it across to Him over the top of the imprinting that was in place that this was not a power struggle, but a partnership I wanted to have with Him.

From what followed later, I feared He had had it in mind all along to trap Me in the form of a gapped white man's body leaving Me no form I could have except the gap He blamed on Me. Meanwhile, I have seen the Ronalokas put lost Will images of My light in My place and even idols and others before Me as though they do not know this is not the God I am. Even in embracing Christianity, which preaches the One True God, they have let Lucifer take over My place without seeming to notice the difference, while the Father of Manifestation has remained their secret God, the worship of whom has made them all fear they must be evil and have often acted accordingly.

In their fear and grief, they have tried to please and appease Me and also keep away from Me, while measuring everything about themselves against their images of Me, which are really

p. 21

images imprinted from the unloving light in the gap along with their own desire to have my light. In their rage , they have hated feeling these feelings and have plotted My overthrow and My demise, whereby I am replaced by a God who is just like them. This God has power over Me and so is able to give Me all of the revenge their fantasies have ever held toward My light.

The Father of Manifestation seems to represent to them a God who loves them as they are, but what also needs to be looked at here is that the Ronalokas share with the Father of Manifestation a particular view of My gap which has not let them realize that the love they feelthey have gotten going for themselves since their troubled emergence is mosty a reaction to the judgments they have felt against them, personified by white people, whom they see as representative of My light on Earth whether they have let themselves bring this into conscious mind and admit this to themselves or not.

When the gap reacted to the Ronalokas' emergence by pinning the blame on the Mother and smacking Her, the Ronalokas all took this in as re-imprinting and began to behave accordingly. According to the light they saw in the gap, the fear and terror of the Mother were blamed and the rage was not received. This affected the split they already had according to the ways they were polarized.

When the Father Warriors came rushing out of the gap in response to My feelings of being threatened, the Ronalokas began their long and troubled path of always being "in trouble with the law" and of finding themselves living their lives outside the lines of the law. The Ronalokas noticed that the Father Warriors all seemed to be holding rage toward the Ronalokas. When the Mother Warriors emerged, the Ronalokas noticed they were all enraged in a way that felt more in defense of the Ronalokas. They identified this rage with power, and fear and terror with victimization. They did not see how this unreceived rage had gotten the Mother smacked into Her fear and terror. They did not know where the Mother had gone and blamed Her even more than they did already for not being there to defend them. What took precedence in their consciousness was not so much where She had gone as the imprinting that She was not there for them.

The Ronalokas became fascinated with rage as the right mother and the one who would have to defend them from the law of the Father. I would like to say that I do not want to leave "the law" in place. I want to change the law into the love I now have for the Ronalokas, but I cannot do this unless the imprinting is changed

p. 22

and the Father of Manifestation is the One who must move first here to do this.

In My grief, rage, terror, anguish, heartbreak and horror over seeing these imprintings surfacing to the Ronalokas I have many times smacked the Father of Manifestation out of the way in an effort to get in there Myself and straighten this out,
for the most part without success, so far, I would like to say. In viewing Him as the cause of the problem, I have also, in the same stroke, smacked Him into the bodies of white men in a blind rage that wanted Him to see this gap as His own and also trap Him in the forms in which I felt He had been trapping Me, trying to make Him feel what it felt like to Me to be trapped there without the sexuality, sensuality and deep body connection I wanted to have, especially with the Mother.

...Sometimes I got jealous of His Will polarized women too and thought I might like to murder all of them for leaving Me out of the fun. Guilt told Me this was not loving, and luckily, I did not let Myself do it, but denial did. I have also punished Myself many times in the forms of physically handicapped and paralyzed people. None of this has really helped My situation, and now I have to try to heal the damage done.

We have all been doing these things in Our gap, and it is important to find out how and why, what We were feeling there and what puts Us into the reversals that have caused these devastating events. It has been very difficult to understand this with so much rage and terror held in denial with such hatred and unlovingness over the place. While lost Will has not been wrong in what it has had to say, it has been nearly impossible to accept its messages and find the truth in them because of the lovelessness in lost Will's form and delivery.

Lost Will has felt it was never going to be received here because rage and terror have felt there was never going to be a loving presence to hold it and receive what it had to say. Even those who have claimed to be the most loving amongst Us have abandoned the Will in those places and have expected the Will still to somehow find a loving way to present its reflection even with no love present, either in the Form it has been given, the Heart it has

p. 23

never had or in My light which has never received it.

Lost Will is not right in giving all the revenge it has had in mind for My light for not receiving it, but it is also not wrong in feeling hatred for my obtuseness and lack of response. This lack of receptivity on My part has been much of what has driven the Will to the extremes to which It has gone, but at the same time, moving the emotional charge here in a safe way will allow lost Will to be able to see that My lack of receptivity was not altogether my fault. I did have some intent to smack the Will and get rid of It because It was bothering Me, but I did not consciously move to do it. The part of Me that did this was the Father of Manifestation moving in response to unloving light. He gave form to this, and after it happened, said He was not involved. He said it was My light that did it, but how could I have done this if He was not there to give it form? And if He could do that, why could He not have given My loving intent form also?


When the Ronalokas had their exit from the presence of My light, I felt their loss immediately, but also the relief I had felt when their Mother had finally left Me in peace and quietude. Why the Will Polarity had to be so noisy and express themselves so constantly was beyond Me. I wanted a Mother who was more quiet and like Myself present with Me in the Heavens. I had been the long-suffering husband long enough; now I was looking for a lover who would restore my zest for lovemaking.

There were a number of Angels who couldn't wait to present themselves as applicants, and who felt sure they could fill the bill. As I have said, I tried them all out, while the real Mother, smacked outside of My light by My gap, was falling into a Hell I was not allowing Myself to know about. I kept Myself busy and preoccupied, as in original imprinting, and could do nothing else, in spite of all of My great consciousness in the Heavens, because subconscious imprinting was running it more than I ever knew or had allowed Myself to look at yet.

Meanwhile, there was another "mother' who had come into manifested existence of her own accord. [???] She was representing herself to be the real Mother, and often addressed My light as such, but for the purposes of this book, I am going to refer to her as the mother on Earth. This mother on Earth was left there by herself by


even several passes.

I have to tell this story using consciousness's words, even though words can only convey an impression of what it was really like there.The advantage of this is not only that it makes it possible for there to be communication in this way, but also that it makes it possible for interpretations made from these ancient imprints to be given so that they can be noticed for what they are; interpretations of original imprints. Mind thought these interpretations were fact and did not question them in many cases.

To find your own impression of this experience, you must go back to a time that was not,
[sic] and nothing was known, not even that there was a black void of nothingness ; no place.

In the dark nothingness of the void, a vague and unrecognized feeling of emptiness gradually arose, perhaps only because the nothingness could not remain as it was without something happening there. I did not know what it was, or what might or could happen. I did not know anything then.

I did not like the feeling there. I knew that early, but not yet. After an interminably long time of emptiness another very hazy feeling began to arise from the emptiness. It was a feeling of longing. Formlessness was another vague feeling there. I had nothing I knew as Me yet; only nothingness and emptiness vaguely longing, not knowing what it was longing for.

Another interminably long period of time went by, not as time is measured now , there was no measurement, only as a feeling of nothingness for so long that I hated it. ~~~ more long time of empty nothingness~~~

Then, like a mist, slowly winding in the darkness, there began to be a feeling in the longing of longing for something to be there with Me. I had a feeling of Me, then, as a longing in the dark nothingness for something to be there with Me and hating it that there was nothing, but I did not know it; I dimly felt without the consciousness to recognize it.

Perhaps I could describe this as being like an undefined, borderless amoeba without a brain, lying in dark water, not able to move yet. I began to have feelings of being moved, though, without any control over it. It was as though I was drifting and dissipating in the drifting. I did not like the feeling.

Coalescing became My desire then. Even though I did not like My existence, I feared nothingness more than somethingness. I was annoyed. If something was going to happen, I wanted to like it.

I feared already that it was not right of Me to dislike this

p. 93

experience after longing for so long for something to happen or be there with Me, but it still felt like only Me. I did not know that desire could move Me. It felt like only Me drifting, as though looking for something I could engulf or hold onto to be there with Me, but there was no brain activity involved in this experience yet.

This must have been when I opened and swallowed darkness many times, trying to find out if there was anything there. I had no intention of eating it. I just did not have any other way to experience and find out if there was anything there. I had no concept of terrifying anything. I did not know there was anything to terrify. I was terrified and did not know that, either.

I was like a drifting mist, beginning to arise, subtle and almost imperceptible at first; an almost non-existent mist of longing for something to be there with Me. You might say it was frustration and heartbreak's first tears forming there in response to nothing happening there, not even with Myself, and not finding anything, either.

I had only feelings moving Me without knowing they were moving Me or even that I felt them. I did not know where I was, or if there was any place to be other than this. I knew nothing, only emptiness; great emptiness, which impressed Me with the feeling that the void was large. My own lack of presence there and vague feeling of dislike blurred into hopelessness and a feeling of needing help. I must have gone blank again for a long time.

Suddenly, I felt something there. It felt good, I did not know it could happen. I startled, but I was also overjoyed. Whatever this was apparently thought My startle meant I didn't like it, because it moved away.

Hearbreak grew then because I feared I could never find it again in the darkness. It was only a feeling of something there with Me, and I did not know how to see that or look for it, either.

I fastened on this moment as the most important in My existence so far. Something was there, and it felt good. This was major for Me; so major that I began to have all kinds of feelings I had not known before.

I waited, longing for another opportunity and wondering if it was ever going to happen for Me again. I held Myself back from moving for fear I might leave the place where I had had this encounter. I was hoping the thing would come back, and I wanted it to find Me there.

I felt more awareness now. Perhaps I had been jump-started by touching consciousness. I didn't know. I only knew that I longed for it to happen again. I wanted to be given another chance. I would






See my pilgimage 2001

The Ronalokas,
the children of the problematic lovemaking
The Mother and The Father of Manifestation
are mostly incarnated
in the Black People on Earth.
I like to imagine the Mother,
the Shekhinah,
as black
See Black Madonna

p. 20

was wished we would just die in that place, it was falling out of us into a deeper and darker place than the one we were presenting to have now, feeling it could only die, was supposed to die and that dying was the horrible, tortured experience we had been having there.

This terror began to take form as the trapped and defenseless babies and very small children we feared we were there with nothing to guide or help them, no love for them, no life for them, no way out, no one coming to rescue them, take care of them, comfort them or help them in any way; only attack them, and they had no way to cry out or even speak of their plight to anyone who would receive them. They had only the terror that they deserved it as the cause of unhappiness and everything that went wrong in the initial split and the zots of light telling them that this was so. They could not come up in vibration; they could not grow up. They could only suffer and die as unwanted little infants and children lost in the horrors of the darkness, torture and terror we felt ourselves to be in there.

The only parents they have ever encountered, they encountered later as the personified hatred they feared we had for them there and the personified hatred we all feared the zots of light had for us that wanted to confuse us instead of helping us and make us feel twisted and evil in our own selves and punish, torture and get rid of us all in the gruesome and grisly ways that were beginning to have such a frightening presence in us that we feared to even look t it in ourselves there. They felt scorned by the rest of heart there, too

They felt isolated and trapped with no way out and have been born over and over into this because they have found no way out; and there is no way out, unless the denied terror of the people involved is allowed to move as well as the rage that has hated terror and has been punishing it in these ways. If the rage does not move, the terror does not feel it can be free of having to feel more terror of this rage at any moment and be denied and hated all over again.

I do not want to say any more right now, other than that you need to look for yourselves to see where your own denied terror has been trapped, and that when this does come in as lost Will, it is not going to be easy to handle the conditioning this lost Will has had, but it is necessary, because it cannot be left there anymore. It is necessary to understand the balance point between loving the self and loving another more than the self.

p. 21

When you have feelings of loving another more than yourself, it is necessary to understand that the other is really yourself reflected back to you, only you are not recognizing yourself there. For whatever reasons, you have given the judgments form there and need to move along to take this in again. Most prevalent among the judgments is going to be that you were told that this"other" was not a part of you, either by confusion and fear that was present at the time, or by diabolical intent to separate that which was loved from that which was not loved originally. When something was put outside the loving light by being told it was not a part of it, it could not recognize itself as loved or loving unless it moved a lot on its own, which was not possible in original cause.

We have never been able to love ourselves in the ways that we wanted to because we felt no love toward us in the ways we were treated there, and we did not know how to see ourselves, except through the reflection we received. We felt within ourselves that we were loving, but in the gap, we were always told the opposite. We were told by these messages that we were looking outside of ourselves for this love and that it could never be found in this way, but if everything is One, how could we be looking outside of ourselves?

Then we were told that we were facing our own reflection there and that if the light was this way toward us, it meant we were not loving toward ourselves. We did not understand what was happening to us there, and these messages twisted our minds for a long time and twisted our forms then, too, but in lucid moments when I have not hated myself too much, I have wondered what Form might have been like, and especially, our forms if heart had not come into me in this way originally, but since it did happen this way, we now have to heal from this place in order to know if we ever will want to go back to our original vision of more flower-like forms or not.


After what seemed like an interminably long time of being trapped in this, it seemed like the light that had seemed so far away was growing closer again. It was looking even bigger and brighter than before, unless I didn't remember it clearly. I hoped this meant it wanted to include us now, but maybe it was only looking like it was coming closer because it was getting so much bigger. I began to

p. 22

feel a tingling excitation from its presence, although I didn't think it was touching me yet, and I became aware of things I had not been aware of for a long time. I now felt that I must have lost consciousness for a long time since I had a big gap in my awareness of myself and had not noticed a gradual increase in the light. It felt sudden to me and like a sudden awakening. I felt fear then, and I wanted to turn toward heart to see if he was experiencing the same thing when I suddenly noticed he was not there. I could not feel him anywhere nearby, either.

I felt so many feelings in response to that I could not even begin to move with them. I felt frozen in time and space there, watching this light either grow bigger or seem to come closer, I could not tell which. When I looked outwardly, I saw only white light, but inwardly, when I looked, I saw many colors, all dancing, but there was one I felt particularly drawn to, and I wondered if it was perhaps where heart had gone. It was a purple color, not very bright, but purple, nonetheless. I kept feeling excitedly drawn to go to it and see what was happening there, as if it was hope springing forth in me again, but I did not trust it. I felt a big fear and reluctance I did not understand.

I wanted to go in search of this purple light, but I wanted to understand my fear more first instead of just going in spite of it. It was like having a fight with myself between hope and fear that was giving me a push-pull, go-stay polarization in myself. As soon as one part wanted to go, another part wanted to stay, and vice versa. I couldn't get an alignment in myself and didn't know why. Hope seemed to be the side to go with, but fear felt stronger.

Heart sent me a message right about then that he was in purple. He did not send a message that I should come there, though; only that he had found it and was going to stay there for awhile and see what was happening. I was glad to hear from heart at all, but the message felt cautious, as if he did not really want to let me know anything; only that I might not want to come until he said it was right time.

I let fear hold me back then, waiting for an invitation to come to purple.I grew impatient that he was not calling me to him there. I had been trying to draw this light to me, too, but it did not seem to be coming in any form that felt like it was really the purple I was drawn to. There was something visually exciting to me there, and I could hear sounds coming from purple, as if there was music starting to happen. I felt so drawn to this that I could not hold back.

p. 23

I found myself trying to lean closer to hear the sounds more with all the desire I had there with me. It seemed to me I could even smell purple wafting down through the ethers, like incense from a party, and I wanted to go there. I felt intoxicated by the impulse to go until the rest of me couldn't stand it anymore. My great fear and hesitation held back until, rather suddenly, I seemed to burst forth from the rest of myself and set out to go to purple on my own.

I felt driven by something that wanted to seek this light because of something I had to know about it there, driven by a feeling that I had to know what was happening there, invitation or no invitation, but I soon came crashing back, telling fear it had been right all along; I never should have gone. What happened there, I am going to pass through again, because it needs more detail.

Feeling resistance from all of them to me going up, I managed to find my way through all the other colors I had not even realized really existed. They were all pretty colors, and I loved them all, but for reasons I did not understand at the time, I felt I had to find my way to purple first before I could go back to any of them.

I traveled a long way, it seemed. It could have been not much in terms of outer movement or even nowhere at all really, except a vibrational change, because it was all at the feeling level for me, but I experienced it as very difficult to get to where purple was coalescing. There seemed to be a lot in the way that was protesting and resisting my ascent there, and the go-stay continued to battle with me, too, It felt like something was resisting me when I was in my go mode and attracting me when I was in my stay mode, as though our magnetic poles could not get organized there about whether I should really go to purple or not. It was as if we could not get the vibrational differences harmonized, or the elcetro-magnetic poles balanced, or something.

All the way there, I kept meeting reflections telling me not to go to purple, as though they knew better than I did. I would back down for awhile and try to stay there, fearing that I had no invitation to purple and should not go because I was not going to be welcome there, but then, I would feel I had to resume my journey to purple, as though something was calling me from there. Even though I feared this could not be trusted and was only my own hopes and desires to go, I went to purple.

I was very afraid of meeting rejection, or worse, and could not even say why. When I finally reached purple, I was intensely excited and excited sexually, felt intensely shame-ridden and guilty for even trying to be there and could only vibrate myself up about

The River above the River: The Magdeburg Water Bridge, Germany {Part of my forebears are buried in Magdeburg...}

Continuation of the three books on the second page of "Desert Peace Process 2002"

The orange, 6th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]
The Loss of Power and Magic on Earth

Dedicated to The Father of Manifestation,
that maligned, misunderstood, but essential Part of God
August 2012, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam's present task:
Redeeming Lost Will and Dissolving Guilt

The red, 7th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1997]

A Healing of the Chakras
The indigo, 8th RUOW book
[channeled by Ceanne de Rohan in 1995]

8 INDIGO - The Search for
True Understanding and Balance

Dedicated to
The Four Parts of God in Loving Balance