Abraham 2000    , E-mail Quote on Dec. 21, 2010

You can be fully satisfied with where you are, understanding that you're eternally evolving.
When you get into that place of feeling appreciation
of where you are and of who you are,
and appreciation of what you are,
and you accept
that you are a never-ending, always unfolding Being,
then you can stand in that delicate balance
of being optimistic about what is to come,
without being unhappy about where you stand.
Find a way of eagerly anticipating future changes,
while at the same time you are in love and satisfied
with who, what, where and how you be.

I want to add the three images, which I discovered , when I visited my daughter at Modi'in on Sunday, Dec. 12, 2010 [see previous page]:
- a painting on the wall by my brother,
who was killed in Febr. 1970 at the age of 27 ,

- a drawing of 2010 by Rotem, my daughter's elder daughter, age 17,
with whom I spent 50 hours at Arad and the Dead Sea, recently,

- and a painting of 2010 by Yael , Rotem's younger sister, age 14,
with whom I spent an hour this week, when I, on Dec.20, hitchhiked to Shoeva,
[I needed to distance myself from Shoham for a few hours, not imagining,
how immensely needed my soul-work with Hila, Tamir's wife, would be...]
and a driver, on my way back to Shoham, made a wrong turn to Modi'in.
[I got off at the junction closest to Yael, but still about 15 min. away, and called her: no answer.
I called her mother, who in turn called her husband who was driving Yael home from her boyfriend.
"Yael, Savta is calling you, she wants to spend an hour with you! Why don't you answer!"
Before Yael could open her mouth, she saw grandmother standing and phoning at the junction...]

First of all: whenever I realize that I am not aware of what I feel,
or that I automatically resist and condemn what I'm feeling,
especially when the feelings concern physical discomfort or pain,
[like in bus and train, where I usually feel discomfort,
but yesterday it was exacerbated by my - light - sickness]
I'll as fast as possible create a space in time to catch up with what I feel.
Knowing that this is my only assignment for this life on this planet,
to become better at feeling

Second: whenever I realize, that it is an exterior situation,
which causes me to feel, what I would not have chosen to feel,
like my main feelings: "expectatons from others" and "lack of intensity",
or - what during Mika's party yesterday I came to call "a waste of time"!!!!!!-
I'll refrain from two judgments:
"this situation with other people doesn't suit me!"
"I could have chosen to not enter this situation, i.e. to not be here!"

It is good, that I take responsibility for having chosen an exterior situation,
and that I know - as in the case of the extravagant party - that I chose it,
because I chose to fulfil expectations, which my family had of me.
This "expectation-pattern" seems to be one of my major challenges.
There is no either-or answer.

I had 3 different dreams this night,
in which "important" people (like the late Prime-Minister Begin...) visited me,
or in which I had to juggle between different languages, Hebrew, Arabic, German.
I woke up utterly exhausted by the effort of fulfilling
what I understood or projected as those visitors' expectations from me.
It is clear, that I would never again entangle myself in a "production"
like Mika's birthday party with 35 kids, their parents and siblings.
I constantly remembered the "incident" on my husband's 50th birthday,
which caused me to decide: "Never again!"
But even though I had to suffer "only"
from my identification with Efrat's pressure
and my son's fear of the aftermath of that pressure
[Dec.23: which pounded down on us despite my "good-feeling-thoughts"],
and even though - on the other hand -
I DID enjoy Mika's excitement towards and during the party -
I had preferred to not be present.
But since, in this case, I totally justified my choice to BE present,
I learnt - thank you! - that I didn't have to "simply go through the motions"!
NOOOOO! I never ever want "to go through the motions!"
For exactly because the situation brings up more discomfort than fun,
there is sooooo much to feel!

And whenever I am aware of a feeling,
whenever I breathe, blink and accept a feeling,
I    L I V E !
[see the song "itfini....and all my joy is my very feeling"]
[Dec.23: Little did I know, what expected us at the end of this Shabbat...]

Before I go into the many feelings I could discern, I want to stress one other time:
Though it is the task of feelings to show me, what I don't want and what I want,
"not wanting something" does not necessarily demand "avoiding" or "getting out".
It is like a child who learns to ride a bike -
the fear does NOT mean, that learning has to be avoided!
Having read- in the train- in my 1978 diary, I ever so often said to myself:
"How wonderful,
that I do no longer throw myself into so many actions and interactions."
But I was stunned, that a lesson, which I tried to learn then with total awareness,
I still have NOT learnt: NOT to sacrifice my comfort (body and mind) ,
in order to save money - for "valuable" causes, or for family members!
I'll rephrase this lesson later and tell, how I'm now going to implement it!

But back to the insight, that there are chosen situations,
which I set up, not because I succumbed to expectations,
but because my full consent to fulfilling certain expectations
create a situation for "learning to become better at feeling."
And it is clear, that when I benefit from discomforable situations in this way,
i.e. when I use them to fully feel and breathe-blink-accept every feeling,
the fear of the very situation falls away.

For instance: Last Shabbat I was afraid of the situation,
in which I would for an entire day be with Efrat and Mika.
I told, how "expectation-phobia" and "lack of intensity-phobia"
tried to kill the joy and grate-full-ness for the very chance of such a day.
On this Shabbat I do not feel this phobia at all.
And not because this time also my son and my granddaughter Elah are present.
On the contrary, Elah's presence and pressure (felt by me)
make the situation more complex.
[Dec.23: As much as I tried not to interact with my unloving granddaughter,
I took two blows from her ... and I wonder what in me can get so triggered...]
But it seems, that within a week I've made great progress
in breathing-blinking-accepting what I feel,
and therefore - as I said - at least the fear of it has fallen away.
And this means, that I'm free to focus on my task today,
which is to radiate calmness and joy in order to heal Efrat's pressure.

Mika did not become sick towards the party, as Efrat had feared,
but she woke up sick!
And I myself am still a bit sick, though secretly
[i.e. denying it... Jan.7, 2011]!
Also Immanuel begins to fear the approach of influenza,
[now- Jan. 7, in our first phone-talk since a week, he told, that the last days he was in bed!]
and his insistence on going out with his biking friends this morning,
- after a terribly stressful Friday - finishing with the artisans of Mika's room,
and then coping with Efrat's production of the party and be helpful there -
does not make it easier for Efrat to face the chores of this day ("Shabbat...")
As to Elah, who'll stay till the evening,
i.e. the celebration of Mika's birthday among the five of us,
I "could" pressure myself with worrying, if I should initiate a talk with her:
'Do you want to share with me what happens in your life?'
But I forwarded this pressure to YOU and won't press it.
[Dec.23: Elah did not stay, since her father needed to drive her home to Tel-Aviv,
nor did I see the slightest chance for initiating a talk with her.
Though on the one hand it stung me, that she would not experience my birthday-song-show,
on the other hand I was relieved, that at least from her I needn't fear pressure and shame.
Little did I know, that pressure and shame even without her would be unbearable...]

What I still want to do, when I'm "free" to sit at the computer,
is to analyze the feelings I tried to breathe-blink-accept
during the party and afterwards!
It was not only the "lack of intensity" or "waste-of-time" feeling,
it was also the contentment, that "I no longer have to do such things".
It was also the joy about the 35 kids:
6 years ago, when I began to "settle" at Arad, none of those was in existence!
And as usual: I recall the situation of the one million kids or more,
who were murdered during the holocaust,
or if they were not murdered:
had to live in circumstances, which none of us can even imagine.
It's forever Zecharja's prophecy (see my song), which makes me rejoice.

There were still more feelings:
I felt the intense desire of Efrat and of Hinon,
the facilitator of the "Pirates and Fairies Show",
to make the party pleasurable for the children
and to satisfy the expectations of the parents.
To feel their desire was, of course, "pressure" for me.
I wished for them with all my heart,
that both, Efrat and Hinon, would love themselves in the end.

And then there were different feelings altogether,
which had and have to do
with what I can only see as "contrast" to what I myself desire:
the over-consumerism and the over-stimulation of the children.

35 parcels with 35 presents and written wishes for Mika.
The items were by no means small or cheap.
One parcel, for instance, contained both: a blouse, and a DVD.
Nor did the gifts lack creativity on the part of the purchasing parents.
Only one item was given twice.
but of course Mika already possesses games, books, blouses,
and Efrat now has a job at hand of exchanging them in the shops.

I was present with the presents being unwrapped and piled up.
More feelings of extreme discomfort engulfed me,
when thinking of the millions of kids who never receive one single gift,
thinking of the planet and what all this productivity of material items does to it.
And not yet thinking of the result, that this flood of gifts would have for ME.
For how could over-satisfied, over-stimulated, gift-poisoned Mika
enjoy my 3 sophisticated gifts around the "Song of the Micas"?
Gifts I had so carefully thought of, explored where to buy,
and because of which I had attracted so much physical pain?
Leave alone the money, which I tend to disperse on others,
while holding it so stingily, so tightly under my fist for myself?
But this pattern is a curse (or a challenge), to which I'll refer now specifically.

Dec. 12-24, 2010

I seem to have set up
the scenario for learning
an oh-so-old lesson:
to stop sacrificing
my own comfort
in favor of other people
and the world at large.
During these difficult days
I came across a typed letter, glued into my handwritten diary of 1978, a letter to Abraham Lisod, "your fool fan" (khasid shotae), as Rafael used to scorn me and him.

Abraham Lisod, who later extorted from me to publish my book in Hebrew, by starting to translate it himself (though his mother-tongue was Russian not German) and by sacrificing part of his old-age pension
and because of this - marital peace till his death...)
volunteered to function
as the "treasurer" of
our NGO "Partnership"
[see the links from a letter to my co-chairman, Nimr Ismair,
and the old slides, which I now scanned and added to that letter]

Sunday, December 19, 2010, afternoon

Is this a matter of suffering Ego?
I have to ask myself,
if by making myself totally available in this house
I attract ....
Just now I want to deal with something small -
[because I lack the strength to talk about the big things]:

I was "allowed" to accompany sick Mika upstairs to her room,
I helped her to arrange her make-up table in the intended corner.
It had also been me,
who had carried it up the stairs with great effort.
[the only 2 photos I made during those horrid days - Dec.19-21 -
document Mika putting on lip-stick...]
Then the neighbor Tzilla came up, and suggested - humorously -
that one day, when Abba and Imma would go out at night,
she would sleep next to Mika on the extractable bed.
If I, Mika's grandma, would have suggested something like that......
Mika was glad and even demanded from me,
to get up from sitting on the half extracted bed,
so she could extract it till the end and show Tzilla
that there was indeed enough room for her to sleep next to her.

And every time Tzilla wanted to part and leave us alone,
Mika found something else in her room to show her,
and while I'm writing this, Tzilla is still up there.
I am jealous, but not because Tzilla is favored over me.
But because my help
("Mika, don't bother Imma, she's sick! Come to me, instead!")
is - in these days - "simply" discarded, even judged...

The question which is relevant for me is,
"Am I adding evil to this world by being too available,
just like I added evil to this world by victimizing myself?"

On the other hand I feel that this choice to make myself available
(no longer to initiate, but to always be available,
especially for my family)
belongs to those causes of situations,
which give me the chance to feel stronger feelings.
I don't know, I'm very confused,
not knowing how to differentiate between the two:
causing people to throw evil against me,
or acting as a comfort cushion that's always there,
and in some cases as today also as a lightning rod-
for things that have not been solved and healed in them,
nor would they let me help them to heal it in a "good" way.
It seems, that I can never get it right,
not, like "Abraham" says, that "I can never get it wrong"...

[After Immanuel from his hotel at Los-Angeles at night,
logged into my computer at Shoham [see right frame]
he fixed the problem and made my local websites re-appear:]

Monday, December 20, 2010, 3:10

I'm crying, Mother, I'm crying my heart out.
I don't know, how to behave in this crazy house.
5 years old Mika already "consumed" 3 birthday parties,
and the fourth one with her mother's parents is still ahead,
but she is sick and her mother is sick, in great pain,
and I cannot do it right in what is expected from me.
And if this is not enough and I have a moment for myself,
I find that my entire local websites have disappeared from the computer,
and I can't even find peace in being creative.
What is it, that you want from me?
I'm alright – part of the time – to serve mother and daughter,
but the daughter is clinging only to the mother,
not only does she never show a sign of love towards me,
nor does she ask me directly, if she is in need of something,
it's always Imma, Imma, Imma!
and if Imma wants peace and quiet,
Mika doesn't care,
and her mother gives her and me double messages.

How sweet Mika was to the neighbor Tzillah yesterday,
how much does she cling to Imma, Abba and Elah, her sister,
but I must live on one tiny gift of attention:
when we passed by a tree in front of the house yesterday,
she said: "I want you to see something, Savta:
look, there is just one orange on the entire tree!
I think it's ripe, can I have it?"
I pointed out, that I was glad,
that she wanted me to see the orange fruit amidst the green leavage
and suggested to not pluck it, but leave it there for the beauty of it.
Yes it's on such rare gifts of attention, that I live.
But this I can take: that there is no sign of love towards me,
from neither mother nor daughter.
What I cannot take, is that I don't know what is expected from me.

I carefully juggle between letting Mika be near her mother
and side-tracking her to play alone or with me, so her mother can rest.
Her mother exhibits such incredible physical pain and exhaustion,
- how can I not do everything to help her be alone and rest.
At one time, when I couldn't prevent Mika from going into Imma's room,
[- and this maneuvering is so difficult now, since Mika's room is upstairs -]
Imma said: "You should eat an apple, Mika!"
she said it twice, and Mika hesitantly agreed.
No word to me.
So I asked: "Do you want me to cut the apple for her?"
"Yes!"
So I climbed down (these terrible stairs in this house!)
and cut her an apple – half of it in small pieces, and half of it into 2 quarters.
Of course, when I presented Mika the neatly arranged plate, she complained:
"Why these big pieces?"
"Because sometimes you tell me, you only want big pieces~
So I prepared half of the apple as big pieces and half as small pieces,
and if you don't want the big pieces, I'll cut those too,
after you'll have eaten the small pieces.
And I think you should say thank you instead of always complaining."
I then didn't know if she wanted me to stay around and stayed, waiting.
She said nicely: "Could you please go, Grandma?"
"Yes", and I left, asking her, to please not enter Imma's room but come to me.
After a while I heard, that she   D I D   enter Imma's room,
I climbed up and entered behind her, asking gently, to not disturb Imma.
"I just have to tell her something secretly", and whispered into her ears.
I climbed down, and soon after Mika called me from above!
"Imma says, you should cut the big pieces!"

I'm so sorry, but this did it for me! I let myself be triggered.
It reminded me of a small, but terrible scene 2 days ago:
Mika wanted me to carry her up the stairs for teeth brushing.
She was in a nonsense-mood,
and instead of standing on her little stool in front of the sink ,
she threw herself on something on the floor,
demanding that I pull her up from there.
As I did so, she got hurt a tiny, tiny bit.
As wonderful as Mika is when she is sick with fever and real pains,
never loosing her serenity and fun,
as dramatizing is she, when she "hurts" herself.
In this case, she of course cried
in order to manipulate her father to come in and then said:
"Savta choked me!"
I couldn't believe my ears,
and when Immanuel understood,
that I had not even touched her throat or shoulders,
and that the claim was sheer invention, he exhorted her sharply.
But I simply don't know, how to act, when Mika uses and misuses me
in order to be even closer to her parents than she already is.
She does not lack attention! She does not lack love!

And I, on the other hand, am not allowed to let her toy with me like that.
I would add evil to this world, if I did.

But now, what happened!
Her mother is angry with me for not understanding
that her daughter "just wants lehitpanek",
since she, the mother is sick ~~~ at my expense.
And when I now demanded, to make an agreement,
what exactly she wanted from me and when,
she said harshly: "Yes I'll be in total control!"
(meaning: 'I knew, that I cannot relax and cannot rely on you')
As if she ever had given up her total control.

It is – for my Ego, which wants to be righteous – very difficult
to dedicate all my time, all my energy,
and in the end I'm discarded as someone who is only half helpful.

But again, this is not the real problem.
a mother will always stand on the side of her child,
even if the child is wrong,
and I'm not the mother,
I'm only the cursed grandmothert!
And I am so sick of this role!
On this 5th birthday of Mika I want to express this:

I am sick, sick, sick of being a grandmother!

See in Learn&Live 7>Nov. 25, 2010
the beginnings of my creation of this song
for Mika's fifth birthday, actually on Dec. 20,
but celebrated three times before this date:
on Dec.17 (party with 35 kids, parents and siblings),
on Dec.18 (with Abba, Imma, me and Tzilla, the neighbor)
and on Dec. 19 in kindergarden, despite her sickness

A way to "move" my fury and pain, was,
to take this photo of Elah's "calligraphy" of the song
(the only thing she did together with me,
and without pounding down too strong asuras on me ...)
and then to break the cardboard, [from one of the boxes of the 35 gifts,]
into pieces
and to again compose them into a puzzle
and photograph this
before throwing everything in to the garbage-bin.

I still couldn't fall asleep after that,
but my feelings of revenge
(= of imagining to  TELL  Efrat one day,
how terribly hurt I was by the process of this song
and how I was still suffering from the sickness of my body,
the aftermath of the difficulty of getting hold of the crystals)
melted away into simple sadness and grief.

If Immanuel would not have to go on flight that night,
I would have asked to postpone the celebration with my 3 gifts,
the very special globe (from Dutch origin) for 300 NIS,
the "pirate-treasure-box" with the many Mica-crystals
in different mineral-combinations, textures and shapes,
and a book about minerals, which tells about the Micas.
I could see, that Mika was over-stimulated
and already physically sick [soon her temperature would rise to 40.6] .
Even to just sit with us
-while twisting her body and distorting her facial expression-
leave alone getting interested in my song or my gifts,
was impossible for her.
I felt hurt, put to shame and also afraid,
that her parents would be apprehensive for my sake,
and perhaps would judge me
for having overestimated Mika's capacity
to contain the meaning of my gifts....

Shoham Tuesday, December 21, 2010, a day after Mika's actual date of birth, - morning

Though some great blessings came out of yesterday's "eruption",
and I felt guided all along my way to Hila, Tamir's wife, at Sho'eava,
and then - without initial intention - to Yael, my granddaughter at Modi'in,
and though the beginning of this day
(after I had run 20 minutes to the postal bank to finally deposit the check from Meirav)
was relatively calm,
I feel like a bunch of bleeding wounds.
It's one thing that I couldn't avoid triggering Efrat even by banale things
like wearing the socks, which she herself once had given me,
instead of the difficult to slip-in sandals
["must you sweep up all the dust in this house and carry it into your already dustful bed?"]
(and this after the dustbrush incident a few days ago...)
but why did I need to answer her - in a meek voice: "alright I'll only wear sandals in the house!"
which made her project on me her own nervosity: "Why must you always react nervously",
and give me yet another blow!
Leave alone all my efforts to bring some lightness into the charged atmosphere
by reporting, that I had called the man from the crystal shop etc. etc.

I've been enclosed in my room now, for almost an hour, doing work on the computer.
Now I'm lying in my bed, trying to feel more, to move and breathe and blink more
(my eyes are extremely strained...)
and to understand, what this is all about,
all these failures, all this powerlessness, to not attract blows from mother or daughter.
Except for 10 minutes or so - I should appreciate and celebrate them!!! -
I once again don't exist for Mika.
On the one hand it's good, that she likes to be in her room, alone.
In all the years of her life she could never bear playing alone.
Indeed, it is extremely vital for her to learn to be alone.
On the other hand, this leaves me really without a justification to stay on.
Except for taking Nella down and helping Efrat with spreading new sheets on the couple's bed.
I have not been needed today, on the contrary, I've been advised to go.
Yesterday she appreciated it, that I had cleaned kitchen and living-room
and found a way to order the innumerable items, that lay around everywhere.
Today I was allowed to take the garbage bin down, but no dish-washing etc
and the question arises again and again:
shouldn't I have gone to Arad after all, as she demanded from me yesterday?
Instead I left the house for 6 hours and came back for the night,
to give Efrat the chance to have me near her, and perhaps prevent further damage between us.
Even Immanuel on the phone from L-A last night, on my way out of Modi'in, wasn't sure,
if it was good - "to not run away" and to not play into Efrat's irrational, furious "go away!"
which could take weeks to repair.

But I do know it's right to stay put until tomorrow morning!
I'll use the time to think and feel,
and though I can't pray for anything that I want,
- the hurt is simply too much still-
there might come some good out of it after all.
I only pray: please do let my mouth be shut tight!
No initiative, no proposing myself for help,
no reaction to humiliating remarks,
no falling victim to my "being righteous" pattern.
I know, I cannot do it right,
when Efrat is in the claws of this wave.
Nor can I find a way to not attract this wave to me,
just as my son cannot avoid this.
We are dependent on each other,

I cannot get away from my daughter-in-love, nor do I want to, for I love her.

13:30
I slept a little, and I rested, but it didn't improve my "feeling".
As good as I felt during those 6 hours, hitchhiking with very pleasant people
and being helpful to Hila and to Yael, also truly enjoying these two human beings,
as depressed and helpless I feel today.
Unfortunately, or fortunately?, Immanuel read the discharge [see above Dec.20, 3:10 PM],
which I had written on "Word" just before the clash with Efrat about the apple-pieces,
and which - since I didn't return to the computer before I left the house - was open,
when Immanuel in the late evening, following our long phone-call,
while I walked through the nightly Modi'in, trying to get a taxi back to Shoham -
entered my computer from Los-Angeles via "Log-me-in".
in order to bring back my local website, which had vanished from "Dreamweaver"
(my site's software).
He said: "I'm sad about your last sentence",
the sentence: "I'm sick, sick, sick of being a Grandmother".

I can't find any direction in what has been happening.
I sing from Psalm 143:
hodi'eni derech zu elekh, ki elaekha nasati nafshi'
lamdene, Hashem , retzonaekha, ki ata elohai,
I also ask about the coincidences of astronomic phenomena:
today the winter-solstice together with a moon eclipse
(though not visible in Israel because of day-light,
and not visible in Northern America because of constant raining, as Immanuel told)
a coincidence, that in the last 2000 Years has only occurred once, in the 17th century)
yesterday Mika's day of birth and soon the end of 2010,
what am I to understand from so much pain:
there is no lover in my life,
there is no mother in my life (never really was)
as a mother I am not needed by my 3 children, and not by 2 of my children-in-law,
as a grandmother - 4 grandchildren couldn't care less, or even scorn and dump me,
the six others do not care as much as before,
or am I ungrateful? Of course I am! Extremely, criminally ungrateful!
I know, what I can expect, and usually I'm totally at peace with what I get.
But today I am not!
Today I want one single person on this planet to love me.
Isn't this strange? to hear such a wish from my mouth?
For it's not lack of love, of which I could complain in my life, at least not since the age of 20.
But today I desire just this: A hug, a true, intimate hug!

It's a "lovely" sign from Heaven, that I came across the letter of Don,
[I'll quote and comment it in "DAS HERZ IST WACH" I ]

2:21 I didn't hear any noise from the house and left my room.
They seem to have gone - without telling me.
Perhaps Efrat thinks I'm asleep, but she could have left a note.
Does she show me, that I'm really not needed,
and that I could just as well have left this morning?
IF so, it would help me make this lekhi-lakh from Grandmotherhood!

I have no lover, no mother, no sister, no children or grandchildren who need me,
I have some friends, but even they have yet to learn to be among those
"who see HaShem and talk among each other"
[see SongGame and above the K.i.s.s.-Log Pages].
I must not regret, that Immanuel read my discharge: "I'm sick of being grandmother!"
It is a beacon!

Arad, Wednesday , Dec. 22, 2010

I did leave after all, finding - not even a pretext - but a reason,
which would help both sides to not feel guilty.
My bladder-infection (since 12 weeks) seemed to get worse,
and my doubt,
('what would be better for Efrat, my staying or my leaving?')
helped me
to overcome my immense resistance of fixing an appointment
at the public clinic of Arad .
[the fright of the ever less humane procedure was more justified than I thought]
I arrived after 4 hours, I was so happy to be home,
but this morning: not only the appointment at 11:20 ,
the walking there, the waiting there, the ....

If I would not have been so crazy about fulfilling Efrat's
"we expect a song for Mika's birthday also THIS year!"
........
If I would have taken a taxi from the bus-station to Crystal-Shop,
right after I arrived with the bus from Modi'in
.... ...
But exploring all the circumstances and how they led one to the other,
I can see clearly, that I couldn't have avoided anything with my mind.
It was all the beginning of a drama,
which then joined the drama of Efrat's crazy birthday production,
and the "finish" of Mika's room and her entry into it.

The lesson is much greater
than not sacrificing my comfort for the sake of others and the world.
It seems to be encapsuled in the old admonishing of Ecclesiastes 7
don't be too righteous!

I'm telling Immanuel and everyone,
that I cannot be anything but "total", "deep", "complex".
but is this true?
"Light [=easy] I am, a lightning rod",
isn't this a song I recently upgraded?

I felt so awful, so depressed, so zestless,
even before going to the clinic,
that I tried a "Communication with Deity"
Dear Will and Spirit united in my Hear in my Body
Instead of going to the pool for the first time after a week,
before going into the dreaded procedure at the clinic,
I threw down my backpack and decided to do
what I haven't done , haven't needed to do, in a long time:
Listen to you by writing to you:
Why is it that i'm not only in such depression , lack of zest,
lack of full-fill-ment, lack of self-love,
lack of capacity to accept what I feel,
but actually sick, sick again?
It started last Wednesday evening,
I took care of myself, my body, my soul, on Thursday,
the fever left, the catarrh got better and the coughing was mild.
I could it all keep under control and in secret,
so as to not frighten Efrat towards the challenges of the weekend..
But then - after that ... birthday party on Shabbat,
the coughing became worse,
and no amount of Codein-containing tablets helped anymore,
at this stage not You , but Meirav Meidan called me!

Yesterday, when I had 40 minutes idle time at Lod train station,
she couldn't answer.
Now it was right time, though I thought I wouldn't have the strength.

We reached the insight of a double meaning
of the saintly, righteous, heroic sentence about:
al ta'asae torat-kha qardom lakhpor bo,
Qardom is an axe, a dangerous instrument,
and so I'll say from now on: "qardom laharog bo"
meaning: my righteousnous
(not in the meaning of being seen as righteous by others and myself, but,
but in the meaning of living values and principles
that are hard for others to follow,
like in this case: not taking money for my work.
[Jan. 7, 2011: An example of not being "too righteous",
is my approach to eating animals
I would never buy meat, but if I'm given meat , I eat it,
knowing that it was given with love,
and believing, that this love would compensate for the animal's pain.


With rest and antibiotics I became better today,
Dec. 23, 2010
When I couldn't sleep, but felt well in my body
(having taken two codein-containing pills "against" the relentless coughing)
I worked on a third stanza to my Body Song.
I worked through almost all hours of the night:

Let the air pass my throat, clear and free,
let my lungs fill with  JOY  TO  BE  ME!
Replace the infections by loving affections
between all the cells of thy kingdom-to-be

My daughter then - in April 1991 - gave birth to Jonathan, --- after Immanuel's Elah --- my first male grandchild.
On the day of the birth of "God's Son" - the slideshow on my screen presents Mika, my youngest granddaughter.
So how can I be "sick, sick of grandmotherhood"? But I confess: On this day I still am sick of grandmotherhood!
After 23 years of having been a mother and after 23 years of having functioned as a grandmother ,
I want to be a lover not a grandmother!