The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S. - as stated 12 years ago - was and is   to help me and my potential P E E R s  "to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness, and - by extension - all of CREATion!"

Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013 and Overview of its main libraries [If you look for a word on this page, click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being "a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel": I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb' pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness, so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve, and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!! "I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7		My new Midrash and song in 5 languages about the prophecy of Malachi 3, 16 ["YHWH" is named "HA-SHEM"= The Name]
1 2 3	How Learn And	I The Train	Heal Conditions In	Myself For Creating	Into Heaven Those	Whole On Conditions	Self-acceptance Earth Daily	Click!	Then those who see Ha-Shem, will talk among each other, and he listens      and he hears yatakaalamuna     allathina     yarau'na-hu , va-yusri        va-yasma' Dann die IHN schauen, werden reden miteinander, und er lauscht      und er hoert Puis ceux qu'ils voient Ha-Shem, se parlent l'un a l'autre il entends,        il ecoute

The FOCUS of MY INTENTION TODAY

Know exactly what you want, communicate clearly what you want, then get out of the way, live and play, and let happen what may!
7:22
I desire to be brave & -together with "righteousness"- let go of my obsession to complete pages!
I desire to at least experiment with the - theoretical "option" to slacken my rigorous discipline
and instead to flow along with whatever I want to insert or sculpt on my daily K.i.s.s.-log page
be it "Driving Backward to the Past" or "Finetuning to the Present", or "Nourishment from Others"
or anything I desire to do - from moment to moment, from hour to hour, from day to day.
As to the terrible feelings of "not having managed to complete past sculptures, inserts, pages etc"
I desire to vibrate them - as I do with all unpleasant feelings which derive from judgments & patterns.

image of the day:   my   shadow   on   my   path   in front of me...

hodayot [thanksgivings] for today
8:02
My Body, my Partner, my God
[If there is no special reason for giving thanks to a special organ or function,
I shall - from now on - finetune systematically to Your anatomy & physiology!]
I give thanks to you for being a part of the "eukaryotes",
organisms whose cells are organized into complex structures
enclosed within membranes.
The defining membrane-bound structure - the presence of a nucleus
gives these organisms their name,
which comes from the Greek (eu) = "good/true", and (karyon) = "nut".
I give thanks to you for containing our DNA in "true" nuclei
"Eukaryotic organisms may be unicellular, as in amoebae,
or multicellular, as in plants and humans.
The difference between the structure of prokaryotes and eukaryotes
is so great that it is considered to be the most important distinction
among groups of organisms."

I'm grate-full for the peace and quiet and al-one-ness during these 4 days,
and I'm grate-full that I'm capable of opening up to the "world outside",
to the people who call (Lior Oren), or write (Anke, Dita), or come (Lior-Amit),
and to the peoples who suffer (Georgia, Sudan, most of Afrika),
and to the humans who dedicate their lifes to create "Heaven-on-Earth"

Finetuning to a trigger today -
interspersed with images of the area east of Bet Nehemya, where I roamed,
while my Sixteen gathered to rehearse the "Song for Rachel - 70 years old"
Reality is far from being as pretty as the photos I managed to take...

(1)
After Lior Oren had asked me yesterday,
if she could visit me on the weekend at Arad,
I suggested, that she come to Bet Nehemya with the last transport,
and told her, I would ask my children, if she could wait in the house,
until I would come with Immanuel from Acco late at night.
I wrote to Immanuel and Efrat, describing my 9 year old relationship
with my first starchild, now almost 20 years old,
asking, if they would agree to show her the place of the key.
In his answer Immanuel updated me: the program for Friday had changed:
Efrat and Mika would not come to the celebration of Levi's baby daughter,
but would take the last train to Acco,
so that Immanuel would not need to drive them there and return the same day,
which would be too tiring, especially since the next day he would go on flight.
But after the celebration he would need to drive to Even-Yehuda (near Natanya)
in order to help Dita's husband with the presentation for their daughter's wedding.
I should come with him to Dita, and instead of going to Acco as planned,
should then return with him to Bet Nehemya,
or if one of Levi's guest would drive into the direction of Modi'in,
I could go with him and be already at Bet Nehemya, when Lior would arrive.
He also wrote, that on Saturday night Ruth, Tomer's mother, would bring Tomer,
and I would have to put him in a taxi on Sunday morning to Bne-Arazim.

This last info played a role later when I went through my "revenge-scenario" ,
which dictated to go to home to Arad after Levi's celebration,
perhaps still managing with busses and hitchhiking (no train after 1 PM...)
invite Lior to come there, as had been her idea from the beginning,
and travel to Bet Nehemya only on Sunday evening,
when Efrat will return with Mika from Acco.

Finetuning to a trigger today (2)

But first things first:
I decided to not go with Immanuel to Dita's,
but to take 2 busses and then to hitchhike, straight to Bet-Nehemia,
so I would be there to welcome Lior in time.
For Efrat had made it clear through Immanuel,
that she didn't want anyone to stay in her house in her absence.
At least, that what I understood, and could, indeed, understand.

Since I wanted Efrat to relax concerning this point,
I decided to call her and tell her my program
and also ask her to inquire about public transport to and from Bet Nehemya,
once and for all, also for the times,
when nobody would be able to fetch me from the airport train-station.
Since I was scared of Efrat's often harsh tone, when a phonecall surprises her,
I wrote a SMS: "Please call, when it's convenient for you, no hurry."

When, after 4 hours she still hadn't called,
and I knew, that soon I would have to give an answer to Lior,
I did call her.
And, indeed, "asher yagorti ba li", what I was scared of, happened,
Efrat was extremely impatient, but I could take it until she said,
that she found it difficult that
"a person whom I don't know, will roam around my house!"
"Even when I am there with her?" I asked stunned.
Now I felt badly triggered, but knew I had to absolutely control myself
[I'll express below, what the triggered hole wanted to blurt out]:
and only said gently:
"This talk is too difficult for me, you are so much on edge.."
Of course, she became triggered even more.
"Why on edge! Where did you guess this from!
I simply say, it's difficult for me, but it can't be helped.
Is it only you who can allow herself to say, that things are difficult for her?"

Finetuning to a trigger today (3)

In that moment I could see clearly, that I was repeating a mistake,
made by people ever since there have been human interactions:
Hadn't I said to Efrat something similar 3 weeks ago,
when she was so triggered by my birthday wish?
Hadn't I claimed, that I had a right, yes an obligation to express my wish,
but that I had no right to expect, that they would fulfill my wish?
All I had to do now was to accept Efrat's difficulty with Lior in the house,
even if I could not understand, how this could be a difficulty.
She feels what she feels ~~~ period!
On the other hand, she cannot expect that I please her,
when she feels something so far from logic and from fairness.
Neither does she expect me to please her.
She just wanted to "vibrate" her feelings, that was all and that is all.

Before Efrat closed, she brought up another issue, which triggered us both:
the "Quintet Day" , which Efrat had suggested for next Monday:
"Since Mika is on holiday and you are with her anyway,
you might just as well organize a Grandma Day with the Five."
I had written this info to each of the Quartet, to Yael, Itamar, Arnon, Ayelet,
but only Yael responded, by SMS, that the day was not convenient for them.
When I discerned, that she had understood "this Monday", I wrote back:
"I meant next Monday, but from now on talk to Efrat, not to me,
as you and Arnon have agreed to my wish,
that I shall no longer be the one who organizes these things."
Yael had called Efrat only concerning the exact day, and Efrat had told her,
that they could come already on Sunday night, when she and Mika will be back.
"Since then I haven't heard a word from them!"
"Nor have I, but I'll no longer help them , they must learn to take responsibility."
[By the way, I wondered at first , that Efrat did not suggest,
that "Grandma Day" could take place during the two days of her absence.
She so much wants Mika to enjoy company,
and since on Monday and Tuesday Mika is on holiday,
it is more important for her that Mika should meet her cousins,
then that they should spend the usual Grandma-Day with me.
And for me it might indeed be easier to not be alone with Mika.]

In the middle of this issue I reached the pool, and entering the building,
we were cut off.
Efrat called me again rightaway, but the moment of non-communication
helped her to close the conversation in a relaxed tone:
"I'll inquire about transport to Bet-Nehemya and inform you."

In the water I had time to vibrate my feelings of resentment
and my planning of revenge.
The resentment said:
"I undergo all these efforts in order to be with you whenever my son is on flight.
In all these 20 months I was visited in your home only 6 times,
twice by Yaa'cov, twice by Yanina, twice by Diana & Israel.
The first visit of the latter, together with Shir - who is the same age as Mika -
was so terrible, that we never repeated it.
And when they came one other time, - for therapy and advice -
I told them, it would cost money, which they should give to a good cause.
Since then they don't dare to come to me,
and the relationship with Yanina and with Yaacov I've put on freeze.
So nobody comes to visit me, n o b o d y at all.
And now, that I wanted to allow this starchild - in her present plight -
to come to me, while you are not even there,
and while I am there only because you want me to be there, when you return,
this is outrageous. "

Finetuning to a trigger today (4)

There it is - the mixing up between feelings and reality:
Efrat had not demanded, that I tell Lior not to visit me.
She only had expressed her feelings in a way,
that made even controlling myself very difficult:
l ike asking in a provocative tone:
"Does she also stay overnight on Saturday?
Where will she sleep!? Tomer will be there!!"
to which I said in a defensive voice: "No, she is soldier."
A stupid defense,
since it might be easier for Lior to go back to the army from Bet Nehemya, instead of returning to her settlement Alon at Saturday night with the first bus,
provided there will be a bus at all.

But hadn't I just demonstrated to Boris, how a trigger is staged?
What is this hole, which staged Efrat as triggering me?
And why did I fail in differentiating between Efrat's feelings and Efrat's demand?

While swirling in the water, my "plans" were swirling too:
"If not for that assignment with Tomer
I would go back to Arad after Levi's celebration, invite Lior there
and travel to Bet Nehemya only on Sunday evening
(I ignored the transport-question!)
"But since I can't avoid staying at Bet Nehemya for 48 hours
without any task concerning Efrat and Mika,
and my son would probably prefer to have the house all to himself,
so as to get some of his enormous backlog done,
I'll cancel Lior's coming! Postpone it till next weekend in Arad!
I'll be a good girl, go with Immanuel to Dita, wait until he'll be done there,
drive back with him to Bet Nehemya,
and no Lior will be around to trigger anybody."

By now it's much easier for me
to discern the hidden revengefulness in reactions like this one.
The revenge is: "Efrat will feel guilty!
She'll feel, that she spoiled my togetherness with a friend!
She'll feel, how unfair this is
considering the rare times, that Rachel wants to see somebody!
She'll feel ugly and hate herself."

There it is again, what I call "my Sweet Evil".
It is as pernicious as it is clandestine, covert, sneaking, creeping.

What, if I instead did awarely bear Efrat's anger against me
for inviting Lior despite her, Efrat's, feelings of discomfort?
Wouldn't it be an aspect of "letting go of my righteousness"?
Anger is a feeling, which is so much less dangerous than guilt.
"You've made guilt the dictator on Earth, not Me",
says the God of Right Use of Will somewhere.
And I - have contributed to this dictatorship in both directions,
by being such a guilt-ridden creature myself -
and by delighting so much in making other people feel guilty.
"Why is it always me who has to feel that I did wrong?"
said my husband once, quite in the beginning of our living together.
I liked that - unwittingly! He felt guilty and I felt righteous!

Oh, that none of the spiritual bla-bla-bla in the world
relates to the sin of righteousness!

Back to the pool:
While being torn between enjoying my plan of Sweet Evil
and my compassion with Efrat for feeling guilty and hating herself,
I turned to my inner voice:
"What should I do?"

The answer was prompt and clear:

"Invite Lior, but don't miss the chance to meet Dita,
nor the chance to travel alone with your son
north to Even Yehuda and south-east to Bet Nehemya.
Lior may be able to wait on the veranda until you come.
If this will bother Efrat in Acco, then bear her feeling of being bothered.
If Lior's presence through the entire Shabbat will bother your son,
then bear this too.
though it might be just the opposite:
He'll feel more comfortable
with Lior between you and him than with you alone.
In any case:
do everything possible now and for ever,
in order to avoid an increase in guilt!"

After having taken care of my garden, I became aware,
that everything is "clear" except for the nature of the hole itself,
the "hole in my wholeness which now wants to heal"
and therefore attracted this trigger.
Isn't it the same hole - though now diminuished enormously -
which attracted that gigantic "cupboard trigger"
a day after the family moved into the newly rented house at Bet-Nehemya?
The hole which says: "I have no place on this planet?"
In this case: "I'm supposed to feel at home with my family,
which truly needs me and even appreciates my total availability for them,
but what kind of a home is this, if I can't invite people I love?"
This is the approach and expression of self-victimization.
If I change my point-of-view and ask:
How come that I don't believe,
I can invite Lior to my childrens' home?
I must admit, that my lack of belief in my right to invite -
is more ridiculous than Efrat's feeling
that Lior shouldn't move around her house.

I'm a bit desperate when I realize
how the same monster raises ever new heads,
and how it still takes so much time until I discern,
that it's just another head of the same monster.

Finetuning to another trigger right now after I finished the draft of the finetuning above!

Lior Oren called, as planned, in order to fix the details of her coming on Friday.
She said:
"Once I know where Bet-Nehemya is, I can easily find out about transport.
I asked my father on the phone, and he didn't know it either."
This made me mad! I don't even know, why, and it's not important,
what is important, is why Lior needed to attract this trigger from me.
"I can understand, that your army-basis is somewhere on the Mars,
where nobody has maps or Internet or phones to find out,
where a not so small, and rather quite famous village is in the State of Israel.
And so the natural thing to do, was to call your father.
After all he is a tour guide! But he didn't know!
Even if in that moment he was on Moses' Mountain in Sinai with no Internet,
he could have told you, whom to ask and where to search.
This absurd stupidity ('timtum') really makes me furious.
And you, you don't even feel, what a shame this is for your father, the tour-guide,
and tell me naively : "he doesn't know either!"

Lior could express, how hurt she was, and how afraid of my wild raging.
So I said:
"You are afraid of my rage - that is one thing, put it aside now.
Think of what it is that got so hurt by the content of what I raged at!"
She kept silent for a while and then said: "The word 'timtum'!
For I am not me-tum-taemet!"
"Exactly, you are not! So how come you are hurt when I use the word timtum?
Would Mona Lisa be hurt, when somebody would call her ugly?
Wouldn't she laugh and go on with her life?
So what is not whole in you, that the word timtum can make you feel insulted?"
Again she thought for a while and then said:
"Maybe it's because of the situation I find myself in, here in the army.
I'm playing myself so small, that my own self-confidence gets undermined."
"You see? That's why you staged that trigger with me:
to remind yourself, who you really are,
and perhaps also to let you ask, if you should really be there where you are."

By then she cried and was mad, that she would have to hide her tears.
She had gone to the toilet in order to call me,
for everywhere outside the toilet there were people,
who would not understand her tears....

While hugging her through the phone, I pointed out:
"You can now see a proof of your wisdom:
What would have taken another person ten years,
such a process of realizing the hole which attracted a trigger,
- with you it took only 10 minutes, Lior!
You can truly be proud of yourself!"

I myself was also proud: ~~~~ that I could control myself
and not burden Lior with my own upheaval called Bet Nehemya!

Photographing ourselves in the toilet of a hotel at the Dead Sea

In this "simple inquiry" there is,
as I discovered later,
a manipulation hidden:
I asked Levi and Ayelet politely, if they knew of other guests,
who perhaps could take me from the train-station to the celebration,
"but if not, it's no problem, I'll take a taxi!"
The manipulation is worse concerning the transport after the celebration.
I let them "know", that it would be convenient, if some guest would drive
in my direction - Bet Nehemya, but if not, it wouldn't be a problem,
for I would take the bus to Tel-Aviv
and from there in the direction of Modi'in,
get off at Ben-Shemen junction and hitchhike.

Didn't I let them know clandestinely:
'See how valuable you are in my eyes!
See, what efforts I'm ready to take upon myself for your sake!'
I believe, it was only this message and not -:
' You should pity me and help me.'
In either case, what could they do but write:
"We'll fetch you from the train
and also take care for the transport back.
It is not necessary that you travel by busses.
We are happy that you'll come to the celebration."

Not "glad", not "joyful", but 'me-usharim '- happy!

I entered the house,
and there -
all my Sixteen
were standing randomly around the living room
inviting me to sit in the huge leathern seat - "like a 70 year old" -
and watch both - Immanuel's presentation on the wall
and their singing "A Song for Rachel - the 70 year old"


I was so overwhelmed by the singing,
and by the way they had grouped themselves
not like a choir but as if staged on different spots in various compositions,
that I could hardy pay attention to the lyrics of the song.
I so much wished, then and again before the party dispersed,
that they would sing together again.
But I'll have to content myself with the video in future.

The next morning I studied the text carefully
and was stupefied.
"It's quite ~~~ metaphysical", I said to Efrat.
And she confirmed - simply: "Yes, I know".
She IS my daughter-in-love,
she IS the "Ruth" of "Na'omi",
"Ruth-Efrat", the greatgreatgreatmother of David Messiah.

Tomer was the only one who did not sing,
but I was told, how he had "saved" the song before:
When Immanuel returned from NY on Thursday,
and Efrat showed him the lyrics, which by now had been approved by everyone,
he began to study the tune on his guitar.
When Efrat objected, he said:
"I know, my mother would like me to accompany the song with my guitar".
He had even imagined the other musicians in the family taking part in the playing.
"It was the only time
- during all the enormous preparations in all your childrens' houses -
that there was a trigger!
I simply didn't want Immanuel to exhaust himself even more,
and to burden ourselves with more reasons to be tense towards the party."
So Immanuel found the Karioke music on the Internet and bought it.
"But the problem was", Immanuel told,
"that there was one line which I simply couldn't grasp,
I felt like you! " (who has such difficulties to learn a new song)

"I, too", said Efrat, "failed to adapt certain lines of my lyrics to the original tune
["she - the State of Israel - is sixty" - see on Aug. 18]
but then Tomer came and without the slightest difficulty
sang the entire song in one go."

As to the presentation of photos from my childhood and youth:
exactly the first image did not show ME, but my sister (see below, to the left!)
Much later I told Immanuel and said;
"Isn't it wondrous, how - in this unintended way -
Ursel, my dead sister, could be present?"
I didn't even want him to exchange it, but he had already done it.
"What's that cross on your chest?" said Tomer.
"Didn't I tell you, that I was 200% Christian?"

Then the Quartet stood in line,
in order to take turns in reading
what they had written to the many, many screens about
"Rachel's House".
The theme was worthwhile!
After all, what woman, leave alone what Grandma,
lived in houses like a mobile bus, or a pyramidal tent, or a cave?
[see this fantastic presentation inserted from Aug. 29 onward]
The story behind the scenes was told by Micha,
already 2 weeks ago - when I wasn't supposed to know about a celebration,
but spoiled the surprise by sending my own birthday wish to my 6 children.
He now told it again, and several remarks made by Arnon, confirmed it:
"I had to bridge between the fighting parties time and again,
mainly between my own children.
Such big egos! and such perfectionism! It was hard to bear!"
Arnon: "Ayelet and I simply cannot cooperate".
"On the other hand, it was a valuable "gibbush",
said Micha, consoling me as consoling himself.
This army word "gibbush"
[Babylon suggests 5 English words, which - together - give an idea of what the Hebrew term signifies]
integration, consolidation; crystallization, formation, solidification
suits the entire undertaking:
I'm always so eager to see my family united, cooperating and cross-fertilizing!
My 70th birthday was a great pretext to achieve just this!
"gibbush ha-mishpakhah".

Arnon brought his keyboard and Yael her clarinet to the veranda,
and they played an exquisite piece, which I had never heard before.
[see the photos of their playing together a year ago!]

Realizing that neither Elah nor Alon nor Jonathan had planned anything,
I approached Immanuel and said:
"Maybe you give Jonathan your guitar
and encourage him to sing some of his songs?"

All the 3 or 4 songs were not among those,
he had sent me after I met him in the Democratic School
as depicted to the right.

He said, he didn't remember what he had sent me,
and I wasn't able to quote the titles of the songs.
He was ready to follow me to the computer in my room,
and I showed him the page I had made for his birthday...

Elah couldn't be convinced to sing or to dance.
She was hoarse, she said.

The first one to hand me a gift, was Ra'ayah.
It was also the only material gift, I had asked for:
a pouch of recycled nylon bags,
I wanted it to be elegant ! for events like Yael's Bat-Mitzvah in May,
or like the wedding of Hagar, Dita's daughter, in September.
I defined the size, not too big, not too small,
just for my camera and my cellphone
and the colors: black and orange.
Both colors are not the regular ones in groceries or supermarkets..
"So I asked the owner of our grocery to try and get these colors,
and when he got them, he guarded them for me,
so whenever I bought vegetables or fruits from him,
he would place them in black or orange nylons."
"But how many nylons did you need for this bag?"
"About sixty!"
"Which means that in those 3 weeks, since I conveyed my quest to you,
you bought 60 bags with vegetables and fruits?"
"Well some I had in my stock before you asked me!"
"Do you like what you created as much as I do?"
"Well, I would never walk around with these colors,
but yes, I think it came out pretty!"
I opened the pouch ~~~ and discovered another gift:
an elegant purse!
When I, 3 weeks ago, showed her my handbag-for-traveling,
with its many convenient compartments,
she happened to see my cheap army purse, quite ragged and shabby.
I discovered this convenient sample perhaps 20 years ago,
and managed to replace it once.
It would have been replaced by a third, if I would find one by chance.
Having such an aversion of "shopping", I'm not going to  s e a r c h   for one!
As a constant traveler I'm careful to take with me as few items as possible, which should also be as small and space-efficient as possible.
The elegant purse, which Ra'ayah chose, is much too incumbrant for every day,
but in an elegant pouch there should be an elegant purse!
[see the solution of this problem on Sept. 4]

Then everyone was sitting around the big wooden table on the veranda,
while Efrat brought out a beautiful box and in it and around it ten gifts.
"I asked each grandchild to think of something,
which would symbolize Savta in their eyes."
Later she told me, that she had limited the gift to a certain size,
" I wanted all gifts to find room in this box, but then Ronnit said:
"my mother will like to place the things on different spots,
don't confine them into a box' !"
Efrat took the gifts out randomly, and the creator of the gift would explain:

Arnon:
"I made this mobile phone for you [from a Barbie-toy-phone),
because you are so efficient in making use of the functions of such a device:
phoning, photographing, listening to music,
recording songs & learning them."


Ayelet:
"This is a salt crystal
which should remind you of your love for the Salt Sea.
The candle in it - ", she hesitated,
"well, it's because you like candles!"


Jonathan:
"Now, after having followed your wish to sing and play for you,
I think, I should have given you my first CD,
which I completed only recently.
But the idea I had at home, was to give you this bus!"
I laughted and told everyone this story:
"When you were 4 years old and I visited your family,
while your father was on a study-leave in Boulder, Colorado,
I begged you, to give me a certain toy vehicle,
the same kind as this bus, the same size and even the same color,
except that it was not a bus, but a bulldozer!"
And I tried to get through a bit of information to my Sixteen:

It was the year after I had completed the first model of my
"Desert Hosting Economy Vision": "Succah in the Desert",
and was attempting to realize the vision itself.
One of the many practical things that I thought of,
was how to blaze trails in the desert.
My bus was called "A Thousand of Pathes",
and making pathes was my favorite "hobby",
but the kind of civilization in the desert, which I foresaw,
needed more than pathes.
And I, I myself, wanted to blaze trails with a bulldozer,
so that people could learn, how not to destroy nature,
but enhance and enrich it.

 

 

2008 and 1995