Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
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I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

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1
2
3

How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

2003_05_09 Unsure you want to read this? 22:05

dear dear

when I started writing this I did not want to 'tell' you anything
for how will you react to me here?
or what kind of truth will you find in me here
through my telling you what I see?
and in what role will I be set here?
again of caretaker?
and will you listen?
and must you listen?
and am I able to help someone really listening....?

who am I to tell somebody on the edge of the gap anything?
I don't remember ever having been that close to the gap...
and if I did I sure don't remember having learned anything there
I just learned to survive
I avoid gaps or close my eyes
cut myself off (no judgment here)
I don't believe I could survive...

so
is this a Test...(again?)

aren't we having fun..[Image what image?]

but then things came to me
although I still don't know
If I'm not going to trigger you into judging me
and already (how fast...) I'm afraid of losing you
I was going to tell you not to answer in any way to this last sentence
then thought about erasing this remark (about not answering..)
then kept it..
for why should I tell you what to do or not to do...
how do I want you here?

I am afraid of me here...

the first time I told my wife I loved her was when I feared losing her....
and this has always been my existential experience
of the daily loss of my mother....

but back to you
my friend
please take this as a game..
It's not me who writes this... it's someone else
I'll be back and own these words if you don't cut me out/down
or else it's not me I just had a smoke too much [Image].........
oow why so apologetic......

just saying this: these are suggestions
if we would be talking, I could check the leads with you
without being so definite with words
I could feel you better,
but nothing here is meant to be disrespectful
and I hope I'm being helpful

so
my friend

I could try but do not dare enter the intricacies of your drama here
I know you are trying to find the threads home
I see you're being 'at lost'
playing with all the tools you have
to stop the pain and the storm and the loss of energy
and the threatening craziness and the helplessness
and the unbelief and the continued attempts
to-make-her-understand
and the continued attempt to...
to what more?

imagine there was no 'conflict of interest'
just you and she and the relationship
no site
no tomer
no immanuel
no story
just true balanced feelings of you and she
not how you would have wanted her to feel towards you
but you in power
and you have NOTHING to teach her
to show to her to prove her
what remains then?...or what doesn't want to go away?

tomer?

I have this horrible story in my (only) family remaining in Belgium
(that's where I come from)
my uncle's divorcee turned her 2 children against him
he didn't see them for 5 years
one of them has CP (19y)
and the big one (24y) hates him
and my uncle is a good man
R. reminds me of her
I could stick some diagnoses on them
but that would be stupid
now the divorcee is dying,(cancer)
and that is good.

the child is back with his father and getting better
I don't really understand why this is happening to them

I don't understand why this is happening to you

there doesn't seem to be a way to soften the brick wall put there
there can't be any cajoling
you have to give her your direct emotional reaction here
for I see you explaining,
cajoling
trying to WIN HER OVER
why do you talk to her metaphysics?
why do you want to help her
what do you want to justify
i see the contortionist in you
I see you don't come to her as an equal
what happens when someone throws on you a blanket of coldness
unfeeling rage and denied hate?
I don't know...
but this seems to be the reality of much of our world
that tries to handle this with legality and enforced peace treaties

I guess for a sensitive being like you this coldness.. had to be
unbearable
in the past

are you breaking the stoned magician?
are you coming out of the mud?

coldness which is the total denial of the other
may lead to denial of self
some of your self is still stuck in her eyes
some of your power is still there...in her hands

[2008: I searched for the story about "the stoned magician" [see p.89 and p.90 in Right Use of Will
and came across this passag eon p. 132:

 

she cannot do you harm and you cannot deny her will to harm you
if you remain in your center...in pain but not in turmoil

you cannot cajole or explain the gap away
it's there
for all to see

it seems you're being beamed down there....

I WAS WONDERING WHY YOU WERE
(Capitals came "by accident" so I'll keep them)
INTO CONFRONTING HER WITH YOUR METAPHYSICS....
And what makes me despair, is ,
that I seem to have learnt nothing.
For how else could I create you hating me
so much,
what power are you putting in her hands?

what power are you putting in her hands?

you can't win the devil over
so it must mean you are wrong and you didn't 'get' it
and even worse....
you are guilty of having created her.. and the world as it is

BLAME BLAME BLAME ME SO I'M GUILTY

and so it was said:
"I CREATE REALITY
I'M IN DEEP SHIT
SO I MUST BE REALLY WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING
REAL GUILTY HERE
OR STUPID (=UNWORTHY)"

well that's nice, I can identify with this here...cool [Image]

one more thing here

tomer
and the world
maybe you've (also) put him there
to justify your existence vs "the world"
(site and "other people that want to heal")

If I have to take Tomer out of my site,
the whole site will be a fake.

Am I harsh?
I hope not
I fear dearly
I feel rather small now

now that I have expressed some 'thoughts'
now that I may be criticized for my spirit/father-tendencies
or if I'm being totally off-the-point
haven't said enough
said too much (losing my religion....-another song coming in my mind)
am I being disrespectful?
unfeeling?
not-it?
fear that
like in so many relationship expressing myself
(it doesn't really matter if it is about self or other)
and not being accepted, and having to cut off a part of me,
or a person in my life

I will stop here as i feel in total limbo

nothing and nowhere to go

I feel stoned (and not on a 'good' trip) although I didn't take anything

I want to send you this
because I cannot not send it
so there won't really be a closure here...

such a tragic feeling
Mar

Response to your letter from 2003_05_09 on 2003_05_10

Is this ">dear, dear" the kind of shaking the head in sorrow,
or is it really
"you are dear dear to me"?

>your drama is so much so complicated so enmeshed

I don't see it as enmeshed.
I shared this with you, not because I needed a therapist
(not even knowing that you are, or were, a family/marriage therapist),
but because I am at a loss with concern to the problem,
how to neither override others, nor to let others override me.

This central condition of existence,
the balancing between all individual wills,
seems to be impossible to achieve
as long as we all are so unhealed
concerning the overriding all of us received.

And though until the age of 40 I've factually acted as victim,
I was always - even as a small child - perceived as the one who overrides.
It was then called: "the one who dominates others".
Looking at the things,
that even my closest friends and family felt overriden by,
- mainly my ideas and my initiatives -
often threw me into despair.

I have come a long way in neither overriding nor letting others override me.
In fact, there seems to be only this one issue,
my "lack of discretion", as it's called.

>that I feel you are struggling with things of essence
that this conflict is something I am learning from
(although not very clear yet what...)
it might be about transparency, guilt or
'everything you always wanted to know
on how not to get overriden by others
and remain true to your self without
having to live a warriors life'
I think there's something in this last sentence...

It's my yearning for honesty ("such a lonely word"),
first of all honesty with myself.
I'm still not finished learning to be compassionate and accepting,
when others cannot be honest with themselves,
leave alone with each other.

Though I take measures to protect my loved-ones from my terrible flaw,
like when I called myself Bat-Adam, I hoped,
my children wouldn't be made responsible for their mother's "crimes',
or like when I decided on the anonymity of HealingKiss
in order to not expose my 15 souls (it's actually 16 with R.)
to judgments.
Or like asking my children ( or other close people in my former life),
to take into account, that I lacked something basic, i.e. being discreet,
and that they should tell me explicitly to keep it to myself,
when they were telling me something
which in their eyes needed to be hidden.

But these measures never helped, of course.
There is truly a basic flaw, carried over even from another life:

It was in France, some 200 years ago.
I was the son of a nobleman and a careless lad.
I carelessly told an economic top secret to someone.
A sword was run through my father in front of my eyes,
and I was thrown into the dungeon
together with many simple people,
who couldn't pay their debts or something like that,
because of what I'd done.
"And he didn't die for a very long time."
I grew a lot during those - probably - 40 years,
but I did not learn to be discreet.

That story, together with all the stories of this life,
finally made me understand,
that there is a purpose for having chosen this flaw.
I am a pioneer of transparency.
I am a pioneer of being, living and saying what I am,
without crumbling under the tons of judgments thrown at me.
I am a pioneer of reaping the wonderful rewards of being true,
as represented in the four Hebrew alefs:
'ahavah=love; 'emoun-trust; 'emaet=truth; 'ometz=courage

'ahavah is possible, when there is 'emoun
'emoun is possible, when there is 'emaet,
'emaet is possible, when there is 'ometz,
but 'ometz is not a quality of character,
'ometz is achieved time and again,
when I move and accept my fear,
the fear of being judged by you,
the fear of loosing you,
the fear of hurting you.

But if I am right in being transparent on my site,
(though far from being totally transparent!!!),
it does not mean, that I am not overriding.
And I can't get away with differentiating between
"I am not overriding you, it's you who feels being overriden."



Because it's me who has to bear the consequences.
And by consequences I don't mean the possible lawsuit.
I mean the pain, which I feel, when I see another being in pain.
And R. is no exception.
To see another being in pain, is terrible enough,
and the main suffering I've known.
The title of the German PH.D. book expresses this:
"Solidarity with the sufferers".


But to be projected-on as causal to another being's suffering,
this is really difficult to live with for me.
But I had lived with it and have to live with it.
Not denying it, not saying to R.:
"It's you who create me as overriding you",
though it's true.

It always boils down to the one thing:
to feel, move and accept, what there is to feel.

Yes, I truly let my Will, feelings, desires, lead me towards situations,
where I am neither overridden, nor overriding,
but as long as my Will is not healed enough
to not letting myself be overriden
(like when our government and nation navigate us towards desaster)
and my Will is not healed enough
to not make others feel overridden by me,
I must feel, move and accept the pain, anger and guilt
which result from this,
and - to at least try to ease it.

But that's where the danger lurks,
and you saw this.
The way I gave myself away, as the English language phrases,
will not ease R.'s suffering.
It will not ease it,
because I was not whole and healed to begin with,
when I - unwittingly - "chose" this giving myself away as a tactic.
How often did I tell my son the same sentence:

>and the unbelief and the continued attempts
to-make-her-understand
and the continued attempt to...
to what more?
...there doesn't seem to be a way to soften the brick wall put there
there can't be any cajoling

I'm overjoyed, that I was able to create YOU at that point,
that YOU were there,
my friend, my peer,
to receive the letter, which wasn't really meaning R.,
but a letter of "moving emotions", and at the same time
hanging on to my lifebelt of "taking all the blame on myself".

On the other hand,
"to give her my direct emotional reaction" ,
is no possibility.
I have tried this several times in my life,
with my eldest granddaughter, for instance, Tomer's sister (then 10y),
even if I express 10 times less rage than what is thrown on me,
the effect of my raging on this kind of people is literally de-vastating.
When I did not have the information and understanding I have now,
I was often looking into the mirror to see, if I was a kind of monster.

That is so different with Tomer.
He is a real, equal partner, even when all my hells break loose on him.

"you cannot cajole or explain the gap away
it's there
for all to see"

You are right, Mar, but remember,
that my point was - as a start! - how to not override her,
without letting    h e r    override me.
For whatever you say about the gap,
I have something to do with the fact, that I attract it, haven't I?
And she herself is a human being, not the asura, which jumps on her.
In those 5 months with Tomer, when we had contact every day,
I managed to draw out of her some lovable aspects.

Which reminds me of a similar lesson around the birth of Immanuel (23/1/63).

As always, some angels appeared on the edge of my abyss.
In this case it was the wife of a psychologist, mother of seven.
I said: "If my mother would be a witch, it would be easier."
She:
"Do you believe, the witches in the fairy tales were totally evil?
Maybe they were just like your mother?
Stop sacrificing yourself to her."

"what power are you putting in her hands?"

Yes, this is the hammer on my head that I needed.
THANK YOU, ANGEL ON THE ABYSS!

Tomer
and the world
maybe you've (also) put him there
to justify your existence vs "the world"
(site and "other people that want to heal")

This possibility struck me, shocked me, Mar.
But I'm not sure, I understand it into depth.
Could you please elaborate on it,
so that I'll be able to draw practical conclusions from it?

>and in what role will I be set here?
again of caretaker?
and will you listen?
and must you listen?
and am I able to help someone really listening....?

Did you get the answer?

the first time I told my wife I loved her was when I feared losing her....
and this has always been my existential experience
of the daily loss of my mother....

I add this to the pieces of information,
of whom I compose the puzzle of what you experience,
always hoping for more - "sometime, somewhere"~~~

"It's not me who writes this... it's someone else
I'll be back and own these words if you don't cut me out/down
or else it's not me I just had a smoke too much ........
oow why so apologetic......
....now that I have expressed some 'thoughts'
now that I may be criticised for my spirit/father-tendencies
or if I'm beeing totally off-the-point
haven't said enough
said too much (losing my religion....-another song coming in my mind -
I don't know this one either)
am I being disrespectful?
unfeeling?
not-it?
fear that
like in so many relationship expressing myself
(it doesn't really matter if it is about self or other)
and not being accepted, and having to cut off a part of me,
or a person in my life"

Poor Marc! I laughed!
Because it could have been me writing this apology.
But from now on:
Squeeze it into your battered heart and traumatized mind:
I am not the world, you've met so far.
I would never, ever cut you out or cut you down or cut you off,
even if you would be as cruel towards the holes in my wholeness,
as I have attracted it from MY world in the past.
If there should come a time for separation,
it would be first of all by mutual agreement,
and second only a temporary freeze,
until both of us would mature more
in other circumstances and relationships.
For we ARE "peers", as described in pp2 and pp2b,
we came here, to do the same job,
and we'll always be close,
even if lightyears away.

And as for now, the present
("the present is a gift, that's why it's called present")

You know what ?

2003_05_10 - 13:00 To Victor Barr, attached to a letter to Mar

2003_05_03 (he wrote in the evening of the Shabbat, on which we met in my flat)

Dearest Rachel
Just a few words to say it was wonderful to reconnect after so many years
and to find out we share so much in so many ways,
I am confident we will find ways to cooperate and
this is a link to a conceptual presentation of activities in the Salt Sea area
as well as in the Sinai ,
in Qumran I had 3-4 groups, in Sinai we have not started yet,
all the best until our next meeting.

Victor, we already talked on the phone on some of the issues.
And we talked in Hebrew, while we started to write in English.
And I was extremely aggressive towards you, though in good humor.
These 3 facts make me feel bewildered as to how to go on writing.


But now I feel, you deserve, that I write anyway.


I want to tell you - yes it was good to reconnect,
and also to meet Jeanne White Eagle and John Pehrson,
but for me the memory is marred by my shame
about not having allowed for true dialog.
I let myself be carried away by the good listening of you three,
and as a result overwhelmed you with what you called "your monolog",
and which is just "The TOO MUCH", which IS me,
but which doesn't have to be expressed
at the expense of what I wanted to feel and learn from you three.


The second thing, I want to tell you, is:
Yes, I want to give the encounter with you a chance,
but I am not sure, that I , on my part, can make it work at this time.
I don't like myself,
when the dynamics with another person
"creates" me the way I acted on the phone.
I used a word le-nageakh [to butt],
which I've not discerned in my vocabulary before.


It's true, yes, that "we share so much in so many ways",
but it's exactly because of this truth,
that I feel I cannot tolerate what I see as so much denying of who you are,
of so much covering up - as reflected in your language - of what you feel,
if you would allow yourself to feel,
or if you would allow ME to see what you feel.
I am, in my very being, wholly compassionate and not judgmental,
so when I perceive, that a potential peer -
and this can happen only with a potential peer ! -
draws out of me such judgmental behavior,
I usually know, it's not "Right Time" yet to "cooperate", as you call it.
And then I try to win over that person to wait until Right Time.


There is a relationship of dependency with the 15 souls of my family,
and as I must finally acknowledge, also with a sixteenth soul,
my ex-daughter-in-law, who feels constantly overridden by me.
I cannot get away from these dependencies,
Just like Israel&Ismael cannot get out of there mutual dependency.
In the latter case the only way is
to turn that negative dependency into a positive dependency,
In the case of the older grandchildren even this isn't an option,
I must just wait.


But if there is no dependency with its demands of constant coping,
why stay in a relationship, which doesn't further my self-acceptance?
In other words,
if being with you, in person or in writing or in phoning,
I can totally be myself and still feel I love myself,
then it's Right Time for me to open my borders!

I'll attach another letter,
on which I worked a lot today,
in between You and You and You.
Trying to be discreet, I'll erase the name of the man.
Just know, that he came into my life in the very same week as you,
I'll tell you the story another time, because it might become relevant soon.

You might know by now,
that except my 15-16 souls there is absolutely no one in my life now.
A support talk on the phone once in 2-3 months with Tamir or Meirav,
an e-mail exchange with Barbara, an old classmate, who is dying from cancer
and didn't make herself a victim to my quest to separate, but won me over,
and an exchange of loving smiles with my wheelchair "twin brother" Ya'acov,
whom I brought to Modi'in and to the Democratic School,
whose daughter is the best friend of my granddaughter Rotem,
but whom I meet only, when I take Ronnit's kids from school.
That is all!


Though I - also recently - was contacted by 2 very close friends,
they accepted that I said, that the time to get out of my cocoon
may arrive at my 65th birthday in August, but certainly not before.
And now that other man (about 50), - why did I "allow" him to see me?
He came with a couple from the States, who heal through singing&dancing.

Before there happened this strange bilbul [confusion] on my part:
In the first phone talk he had told me, that he now has a 4 month old baby.
When he called to fix the meeting in my house,
he said, that his wife and the baby would say hello and then go to grandma.
It was then, that I heard myself asking:
"So you have a four year old and this baby?"
He was so stunned, that he asked:
"are you again mixing up something?"
(which referred to the fact,
that at first I didn't remember that we met in 1992)
I was embarrassed, felt senile and told him,
that someone else had newly contacted me at the same time,
and that there was this story about a 4 year old on the border to Egypt.

He must have been really shocked,
because even after I met him, with wife and baby,
and he called me the next day,
he introduced himself as: "I am the man with the 4 months old baby!"
He laughed, of course, but still
for me there is a strange connection or maybe ----- contrast -
between you two.

Seeing, how my feelings polarized during the last week,
- surrendering to what the relationship might hold in store with YOU,
- and being frightened of what I do not want to experience with HIM,
I needed to work things out for myself in the letter which I attach.
I'm not sure at all, that I should send it.
He said, he might find time to continue the dialog next week.
I don't know, what this means, and maybe I should just wait,
until and if he'll stick to this plan - without initiative on my part.
But I would like you to learn from it,
what could be the only reason for me to walk away
and not in the future, but right now:
If you would cast me in a role,
in which I would not be able to love myself.

Today - in these many many hours, all alone, with your letters
- for the very first time in almost 2 years I didn't even go to my Hill -
I sometimes passed by the mirror and what song entered my heart?
Can you guess?

Maryam

 

 

 

What makes the prospect of "Right Time for us" even less likely,
is not only the "slips" in your language, like saying "you", when you mean "I",
but things you believe in.
Ya Allah! I do feel with you like an impossible intolerant brat.
But this intolerance - I swear you - signifies how close we really are.
And if you can accept me as challenging you in every belief, action and word,
it can become a very fruitful relationship for both of us,
and from there , and only from there,
we may even "manifest things of great value for the people", as you say.

To give you an idea about where I want to challenge you,
I'll comment on your presentation of the Salt Sea Healing
(what could be closer to my heart than that - right now!!!)

But be wary! I'm not "qalah" [easy], as you found out already.


"The Essenes Experience TM"
Why do you need a trademark?


A Total Healing experience by the Dead Sea -
How can you promise this?
Maybe you meant the word "total" as "a healing experience for body,soul and mind"?

Inspired by the Essenes Healing Arts.
Enlighten me about the content of those arts, and where you got your information.
And know, that I have the utmost disrepect for the Qumran people, to say the least.
If you want, read the little chapter in my book,
though it can be really judged only in the context of the whole book.
http://www.empower.co.il/healingkiss/appendices
>My German/Hebrew Book (kol Yisrael arevim)>Book Pages scanned> bundle 26
I was harshly rebuked for my condamnation of the sect by the few
who commented on my book 25 years ago.
But I see no new fact which could change my point of view.
I have no problem forgiving people or myself for unsolidary behavior.
But people who make an ideology out of it, cannot be forgiven by me.
And if the ideology itself is full of absurd logical contradictions
like in the case of the people who called themselves the Yakhad,
I am not only judging it, I am outright condemning it.



A one week workshop by the Dead Sea in Israel
dedicated to the healing of the different aspects of the human experience:
physical, emotional and spiritual.

The aim of the workshop is to create the best conditions to encourage the experience of empowered self
and cultivate a living memory,
what does this mean "cultivate a living memory"?
so to be able to recall this state of being after the workshop.

The Dead Sea valley offers the best conditions available for this total healing experience,
again "total"
and for this reason, we believe the Essenes built their initiation center
why "initiation center"? Initiation to what? I hope I wasn't one of their candidates then!
in Qumran at the north-west coast of the Dead Sea
where the ”Dead Sea Scrolls” were found in several caves about fifty years ago.
A second center existed at the foot of mount Carmel.
I didn't know this. From where is your information?
And if so, what has the "energy" there in common with the energy at the Salt Sea?

The program treats these three aspects in the following way:

Physical aspect:

Breathing - the area is about 400 meters (1312 ft.) below sea level (the lowest on earth)
and high barometric pressure facilitates oxygen intake .
This is new to me - thank you.
The high rate of evaporation contributes to the presence of trace elements in the air
This too is new to me - thank you.
that has a healing effect on the whole body, calming and soothing the nervous system.

Bathing – a variety of options are available, all extremely beneficial for the body:
What options? At what physical place at the Salt Sea did you conduct your workshops?
the Dead Sea salt water with 21 minerals,
black mud loaded with beneficial minerals from the coast of the Dead Sea,
baths with natural hot sulfur water
and natural spring water containing minerals near Qumran,
Where exactly are these "baths" and "springs" near Qumran?Do you mean Ein-Feshkha?
probably used by the Essenes for purification.
What did they need to purify from? From unhealed feelings, unhealed words , unhealed actions?
The word "purification" triggers me like so many other "love-and-light" words.
And why do you mention it? Because the people you invite, are also in need of purification?

Emotional aspect:

Desert walks - the experience of silence and solitude facilitates contact with the Higher Self,
which creates a safer environment for emotional release.
I must think about this logic,
but if this is so, please go slower and tell me the sequence of how you got to this.

Conscious breathing- a conscious connected breathing process will be used
to release stress and emotional trauma and enhance integration.
That's fine, but be careful,
that the term "release" doesn't stand for making wrong and judging the feelings, which you want to release.
I've erred myself in adopting this term from many sources and people,
even the book-form of my Godchannel info, has this dangerous term in it.
(If you want to know more, see on my site puzzle-piece 17e)

Meditation- will be practiced in traditional power spots in the area used by Essene healers(?),
helps to center and harmonize the emotional body,
Why the questionmark?
Maybe you are not so sure, if there were healers and where those spots were?
And as to "meditation" of all kinds
and the declared goal of some of those kinds,
to "help to center and harmonize the emotional body",
know, that I am far away from both, technique and belief.

I fear, that by now you start to doubt, that we have anything in common at all.
But I didn't hide from you three, when you were here,
that I have much pain from all this outrageous stubbornness of "spiritual people"
who after 5000 years of meditation still believe and keep propagating,
that "quietening " the mind can heal
the ignored, denied, overridden, trampled emotional body
of either God or Man.
E-Motions have to be in motion,

they have to move, physically, with breath, sound and body movement,

meditation does exactly the opposite.

You understand, why I won't comment on the third aspect, the "Spiritual aspect" in your presentation.

I am sorry, V.!
Please don't be too disappointed. Just send me to hell , if you feel hurt.
I don't want to hurt you, I can not stand hurting you.
The dynamics between us right now cause me to challenge you.
Only you can know and decide, if this is right for you at this time.

Rachel


Marc, my friend, after having read, corrected and copied this for you,
I feel I should mail it after all and be ready for the consequences of my cruelty.

2003_05_10---1:16

Dear Christa-Rachel

yes I fear

but today what I fear to loose
is not worth what I dream to be
you told me not to fear you, NEVER...
so I don't
for had I lost you
we wouldn't have been ready for this friendship
and I wouldn't have lost anything...just remembered a dream

I have just erased a whole 10 lines about my fear
and I too want to tell you
FEAR ME NOT
for there will always be an opening
there will always be a way to talk
Naturally we may very well tread upon each other's toes
be unsensitive or overly sensitive or whatever
I personally may even become stupid at times..blind at others
and tired, yes I might become tired
I also have a good one: DOUBT, doubt of everything
doubt RUOW, doubt my own soul...
for as I have said in one of my previous mails:
everything is relative
so nothing is real.....
only my eyes and my head create what is real....so I am the creator.....
well you can see where this kind of talk can lead....
spirit talk that becomes enamoured with itself and enthralled with its vision
but this vision only begets reality
when in touch with the mother/emotions....
I have been looking for her...and avoiding her...
for she is limited,
I have hated her
because she could not be my true mother
because she is/was limited
and everywhere I turned I found limits
especially within my self

so you see
what I fear is not being able to communicate myself

what I fear is that we would stop talking
and could not talk about stopping talking

although we might decide to stop talking one day
but if so you would tell me... I know
I know I would....

now that this is said
have I lifted out of something
or is it the right balance between ruow and new age spirit talk?
doubt everywhere..........

but in fact I am denying something here
(this doubt mechanism is very powerful and versatile..
can be used in many circumstances...)
and these are my deep emotions towards you
you already saw this...in your 'joke'

am I threatened by them?

I think I am
from the sheer potential strength of them
unharnessed
undefined
(maybe that's why your word "friend" is so appealing to me-
it defines, puts in place, organizes)
although we do not what it is NOT...
"..both for obvious and for "metaphysical" reasons"
I shall not define this further

this path must be new

> we talked a number of languages at home...my grandmother was english
>
> I calculated, that you are now 41, 42
> at what age did you immigrate to Israel? 19
> And is your wife too from Belgium? France
> From Bruxelles? no
> I'm from Antwerp
> And do you also know Flemish, Yes

>
so many questions???? why????
>

> This would mean, you would be closer to my German background.
>
I somehow manage in the street with spoken broken German,
my father was born in Wuppertal...
flemish also helped me with Yiddish
although I have german and yiddish mixed up....
my cultural background is quite mixed...it's basically european,
although not at all classical
I have always gone from the alternative/avant-garde to mainstream
> from stravinsky to mozart
> from mingus to ella fitzgerald
> from heavy metal [video: "heavy metal- a universe of terrifying evil" ] to the beatles
> from Alfred Jarry to Rimbaud
> from Nietzsche to Penthouse [what's that in the context of Nietzsche?]
> from tarot to psychology
> well you get the idea.................
(although I could go on like this for a while)
>

this site [in "wholefamily"] was very temporary and is 'dead'
I had fun doing this with my wife... but it's not what I am about
(don't ask me what I'm about....[Image])

> here's a better one:
> http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/PubMed/
type my family name in and most of my publication abstracts will appear

> I was shocked about the kind of therapist you are.
>
> what kind of therapist am I???
> A SHRINK?????? oh my god
> [Image]
> (do these little gifs come out in the letters?)
>
> sorry if I have this sarcasm come over me
> sometimes...........................
>
>
> In fact I call myself a 'spiritual psychologist'
> and my private clinic is ALAPANIM [in the worst shape] these days
(maybe I'll elaborate on this one of these days)
> but I also work in Pardessia [a psychiatric hospital]
and a Jerusalem methadone clinic in research
> and hadracha [teaching, instructing, guiding] and other stuff

>
> I felt as if I had misused you for the R. drama.
> But I swear, I didn't know then.
>
you have not misused me, and although I can see
that in form there is some resemblance
with working with the letters of these people and your letters with R.
this is totally different....
there I did it for money and the fun, the experience....
here I do it for you...
and for me,
because you touch me on the inside,
because we have a dialogue going on,
because we have this feeling-exchange
because you are my friend....
here I do it because of the gap you help me see -my gap
> this is work I want to do

(Rilke's poem: Ich lebe mein Leben)

thank you
Mar

2003_05_10 --- 8:42

>FEAR ME NOT
for there will always be an opening
YES
there will always be a way to talk
YES
Naturally we may very well tread upon each other's toes
you mean, trigger each other, i.e. point out the holes in the wholeness
be unsensitive or overly sensitive or whatever
mainly over-sensitive, I'm sure
I personally may even become stupid at times..blind at others
and tired, yes I might become tired
How would you be stupid, for instance?
And what do you mean by becoming tired?
I'm not afraid of your doubting,
nor of your rebellion against the limitations of the Mother.
Maybe, that's one reason you created me in your life:
to be cradled and cuddled into that aspect of wholeness,
which - being a woman and 22 years your elder - have already achieved.

Now that we both said "it",
we can set out to find "the new way" together.

Trembling
because of the fact itself
and because of the absurdity of it,
and because of the impossibility of any known "steps to be taken",
I dare - one more, one last time - to talk through a poem.

Know, that I'm not a fan of poems, or literature, or art, or music.
The only thing I do, is to sing to myelf,
and to create songs (about 75 by now [2003!]) to myself.
I'm an extremely slow reader,
while my daughter reads a book per week, I read half a page.
I am also a musician by profession - a tragicomedy,
but can live for months without listening to music,
leave alone playing it
(my electronic church organ from my mobile home
is now in the Roman-Catholic Church in Jericho).

But if a poem or a painting or a song touch me,
they touch me so deeply, that I can live by it.
So - during the time, that our meteor fell from heaven,
I came across a file on my computer, I'd forgotten about.
named "Rilke", but with only two poems in it.
The second one I once knew by heart in German,
but on this file I saved what I found somewhere - in English.
So now, with all these explanations,
I managed to soothe the trembling a bit, for a short time...

Liebes-Lied WIE soll ich meine Seele halten, daß sie nicht an deine rührt? Wie soll ich sie hinheben über dich zu andern Dingen? Ach gerne möcht ich sie bei irgendwas Verlorenem im Dunkel unterbringen an einer fremden stillen Stelle, die nicht weiterschwingt, wenn deine Tiefen schwingen. Doch alles, was uns anrührt, dich und mich, nimmt uns zusammen wie ein Bogenstrich, der aus zwei Saiten eine Stimme zieht. Auf welches Instrument sind wir gespannt? Und welcher Geiger hat uns in der Hand? O süßes Lied.

Love Song How shall I hold my soul so it does not touch on yours. How shall I lift it over you to other things? Ah, willingly I’d store it away with some lost thing in the dark, in some strange still place, that does not tremble when your depths tremble. But all that touches us, you and me, takes us, together, like the stroke of a bow, that draws one chord out of the two strings. On what instrument are we strung? And what artist has us in their hand? O sweet song.

See Rilke's poem also on K.is.s.-L o g , August 5, 2008, with another translation

Now we can further investigate the "phenomenon" of fear between us.
I found out - reading what you sculpted -
that it's not only the fear of loosing and being judged,
it's the blunt fear of hurting you, or in our language, of triggering you.
if I would tell you, when and where I am triggered by you.

And the automatic reaction is to ignore those small things,
because proportionally that's what they are: miniscule.
But in playing the game of avoidance
I would forego a chance for a little healing, wouldn't I?

So I had the idea to "flee forward" with this fear,
and to ask you - humbly - to do the same.
And to show myself and you, what I mean,
I'll go ahead - now trembling with FEAR -
and tell you about the 3 miniscule triggerings I felt in "all this time":

1) the greeting "love and light" in your second letter (see puzzle piece 46)
though it felt wonderful in a later letter;
" more soft and warm light
like a blanket of hands and softness holding you"

2) the use of "you", (which people use to avoid feeling), instead of "I"
in your otherwise so wonderfully expressed response:
> feels nice to read self so presented,
nice to know you've been read
> and enhanced.. put into value...
and the possibility that you "smoke", either cigarettes or drugs, or both.
Now that I said it,
I project on you "being taken aback", as the English say,
and I yearn to look into your eyes, so you may take the pill with honey...

so many questions???? why????

Where you triggered by them?
Isn't it natural that I crave for every detail to compose your puzzle?
And I'm so disciplined! I would like to ask so many more questions!
Thanks for volunteering answers to some I hadn't yet dared to ask!

I looked up the names that I hadn't heard of or did nothing connect with.
But that cannot help me with the feeling of sadness,
that millions, billions of things haven't been shared and never will .

> this site was very temporary and is 'dead'
> I had fun doing this with my wife...
but it's not what I am about
> (don't ask me what I'm about)

But I do ask!
And I want to know more about that cooperation between you,
and if it's continuing in some other area, project etc.
Was it only your site? Was it you who called it "wholefamily"?

I looked up the Pub Med, but the one article which is by yourself only,
and which interested me most - styles of coping with anger-
had no abstract

Yes the gifs are lovely.
And no need to apologize for sarcasm.
I was pleased to see, that you are not a shrink,
and glad, you are, or were, working with families.

What is a "spiritual psychologist"?
It does sound, like you work with individuals, i.e. like a shrink!
Of course, I'm waiting for details about the alapanim of your clinic.
And what is the frame and content in Pardesia and Jerusalem.
I informed myself about "methadone".

An Article about Methadone, written in 2002 An integration of three approaches to addiction and methadone maintenance treatment: the self-medication hypothesis, the disease model and social criticism Lev Hasharon Medical Mental Health Center, Pardessia, POB 90000, Netanya 42100, Israel. mgelkopf@zahav.net.il The two models which have most affected theory and practice of addiction medicine have been the disease model and the self-medication hypothesis. The disease model's fundamental concept is that the addicted individual is sick and suffers from a disease. The self-medication hypothesis proposes that drug and alcohol users are attempting to cope with an underlying psychological or social disorder by means of self-medication. These two viewpoints are presented in the light of a number of specific methadone maintenance treatment and drug abuse related issues such as the question whether drug abuse is an illness of the body, the mind or society; whether the disease model really de-stigmatized drug abuse; what the correct methadone dosing policy should be; the place of psychotherapy in methadone maintenance treatment and drug abuse and how polydrug abuse should be treated. These issues are discussed and an integrated approach is suggested stressing the need for social criticism and a renewed social policy towards drug abuse in general and its treatment in particular.

An article published in March 2008: The mental health impact of terrorism in Israel: a repeat cross-sectional study of Arabs and Jews. OBJECTIVE: Since September 2000 Israeli society has been subjected to numerous deadly terror attacks. Few studies have studied the comparative mental health vulnerability of minorities and majorities to continuous terror attacks. METHOD: Two telephone surveys (N = 512 and 501) on two distinct representative samples of the Israeli population after 19 months and after 44 months of terror. The Arab minority and Jewish majority were compared on measures of exposure to terrorism, posttraumatic stress symptomatology, feeling depressed, coping, sense of safety, future orientation, and previous traumatic experiences. RESULTS: After 19 months of terrorist attacks Arab Israelis and Jewish Israelis reacted roughly similarly to the situation, however after 44 months of terror, posttraumatic symptom disorder in the Arab population increased three-fold, posttraumatic symptomatology doubled and resiliency almost disappeared. CONCLUSION: We suggest that certain conditions inherent to political conflict situations may potentially put minorities at risk and may only be observable as terrorism-related stressors become chronic.

here I do it for you...
and for me,
because you touch me on the inside,
because we have a dialogue going on,
because we have this feeling-exchange
because you are my friend....
here I do it because of the gap you help me see -my gap
this is work I want to do

YES

 

Dear Maryam 2003_05_12---- 20:11 >

It seems I have been very much triggered
into a frenzy
of internal dialogue
images and dreams (not the kind that brings insight, just restlessness)
anxiety
nearly everything your wrote triggered me
and our dialogues here
have become for me a frenzy, a non-stop high-low
I'm talking about slipping into hysteria
Since we started the dialogue somehow I had time, or it was holiday
but since then I've been going to sleep at 3 o'clock in the morning
writing and erasing
reading and answering
So much triggered that it is difficult for me to discern anything

but I will try
first to calm down
and then go bit by bit or part by part
although I really don't like puzzles...
and there are a number of things I dislike here...
so let's check this out in detail
but slowly


> BLUE -I had used this same color 24 years ago for a poetry book I published

it's name should have been "quequette branlette"
(there's no real translation possible here just a vulgar movement of the hand
describing a masturbatory movement meaning 'go have you masturbated'
meaning "yeah sure go see somewhere else...")
and so it starts too,
although the editing house asked me to change the title then and it became
"comment le vent rit de la trance"
"how/like the wind laughs about trance".

> the symbolic meaning of the story about the photograph of my son
> = the need for me to LEHITADKEN [become up-to-date]
> the world has changed
> since when, since what experience?
>
it is not something very clear
it's about a change in me
that has happened for no specific reason (known to me)
and has made me less ragefull (especially against my children,
against whom I more than too much gapped -not physically,
but usually by shouting if I didn't catch me in time and did my raging alone....)
>
> my little adventure at the sinai border
> that did not trigger me into deep emotions
> made me conscious of this change
>
maybe my lacanian therapy stopped a few months ago
followed by some voice-movement therapy
> a softness developed in me
also lately I'm growing towards a kind of internal authority
a growing of my inner voice
so discarded
and this is also witnessed by a growing presence in the world
(better presentations at lectures,
appearances on tv, newspapers,
they even called me on stage in a ballet presentation
where they took people from the public,
I'm also a major figure at the hospital where I work
as well as in part of the addiction field)
this all happened without effort
(such as the tv presentation of a study of mine,
when they called ME because they couldn't get hold of the 2 other
(more senior: Professors) partners who were on holiday).
A number of other projects still slowly developing are also going in this direction
(a tribal dance-emotion-visualisation life-line one-day workshop
for a lot of people).
We studied the psychological reactions of Israelis to terrorism......

Kryon talks about a grid change
but I don't trust him
This last 1 1/2 years also witnessed a change in my bitachon atsmi [self-confidence]
and my ability to 'demand' more of this world -
I changed one of my jobs (from Ichilov hospital to Pardessia psychiatric hospital)
and made full circle back to a place that had fired me about 7 years ago...
but this time I entered "with the cavalry" as part of a new team
and with a very high status.
This process I think was the first jump after receiving my Ph.D.,
which I in fact had done for 'fun' and at work
and didn't really consider as very important (I guess I was denying here).
Also my mother passed away July last year...
this might account for 'some' changes, some 'becoming an adult'
This year during yom hashoa
I felt I had the responsibility for that memory....
for the first time ever towards my family.

and more processing
which I seem to forget
as one emotion flows into the other
>
a year or so ago I had a major fear transformation

although for now I'm back into new ones

not pushing too far
> Into what direction did you push?
anything to liberate from untolerable feelings........
going harakiri into anger, exitement
or trying to tear the sadness from within me... to no avail
sometimes the "will to do the work" has become just another way
to do violence to the emotions, to rape.. and sometimes plunder
>

> i really don't believe in me at all..............
[here he left out something, I must check]
> I don't have this fear any longer,
> can this give you hope?

somehow it doesn't
I don't know if I believe you here
if I could feel you here I could know it is true
and maybe it would give me a lead, a cue
and maybe your words here are not by accident
and I really feel hopeless....

>
> And I don't buy it, that you don't believe in yourself at all.
> This is the only untruth in all your letters so far
>
This is not an "untruth" this is my way of expressing this feeling
and not of stating something about me...
and yes there is a part in me that is a total disbeliever in myself..
obviously i wouldn't be writing this
if another part didn't believe in myself too,
but the realm of fear of annihilation is still there
and in that realm there has been little place for acceptation of self,
there is judgment of self there is enormous shame....
not easy to work with shame for me...
[see for instance my page "Shame's Task & Curse"]
nothwithstanding Bradshaw and Lazaris
(I worked with their books and exercices/ Lazaris is worth while checking out!)
just 2 hrs ago I expressed fear with shouts and movements...
I couldn't 'feel' the real emotions, only the bodily pain....
there's much work to do

>
> I thought about you when it [Mar's photo] was taken.
> I couldn't save this third one.
> So I copied it from the screen and edited it in Firework.
> And though I saved it, it stayed there all day long.
> I can edit other things, without needing to delete it.
> And I wonder, and I wonder.
>
> I didn't understand this part...what is firework and what do you
> wonder about and what couldn't you save?
>

> I bring them in (my family) our realm
> I didn't understand this sentence.
I had this 'intimacy' of you and me...and then I talked about my family....
it was a major decision here
to take away some of the virtualness of our relationship
and put more of my life into it,
more of my life into the work with you,
probably as an "entree" to what I write next.
>

> but they have sometimes reacted with anger, jealousy, fear, rejection
> to what specifically, Mar, and who are they?
>
> they are women
> and they have reacted to my deepest fears,
to my deepest wishes and to my view of a relationship
>
and you are now INTERESTED in them?
asking questions?
yesterday I was angry about this
angry at your inquieries and more
not today
although now -which is a day later-I'm suspicious....

> accepting others' limits has always been a difficult thing with me
> especially when their limits affect me
> my vision

> to have always all and everything in the open?
>
when 'the open' is a 'special' relationship

or maybe this is a reaction to my utter fright/fear of the world,
of conflict , of facing anger and hate, or coldness
I remember part of a song I wrote a few years ago
about this crocodile under my bed
(and that's even before I started enjoying my kids' books
with monsters and crocodiles under the beds and in the closets)
and my father's bulging red eyes and fire coming out of his mouth
and my mother's cold as ice with glassy eyes, and nothing to reach...
I didn't sing this song very often... it made me feel real bad
>

redfield is james and is the Andes Prophesy
walsh is conversations with goddy
lazaris is fun -really one of the only 'channeled entity' I have and still enjoy
nelson is a small very spirit oriented little book "the door to everything"
-seems to be a preview to the course in miracles...
[see, what Godchannel has to say about this book]
jesus you must of heard about...ha
and moishe...he's the one who had a talk with him on the mountain..
he also has the same name as my grandfather
>

> telling me (as I understood it then/now)
> to be absolutely alone
> and not to search for the illusory companion
> that only distances you [ "you"? or "me"?] from (your) my self
(as in > citing those writings)
> It is true, I also got this message,
> to be alone - at this time,
> but not at all for the reasons you mention.
> But this is too big a subject to start now (23:30)
>
I understand that this was not 'a message'
in the sense of something I had to understand
but something I was asked to renounce
as it would be to renounce this dialogue
as it would be to renounce life
as it would be to lift off
and forget about my longing
for this is what is left now
a longing for home
heart
>

> But I didn't quite understand this sentence: I am still alone.
>
if you publish without me being part of the process
of connecting with you and the feelings that would want to publish this
> if you would ask me
> and i would go thru this
alone
as most of the work I have been doing these last 10 years
being triggered-moving
and back to me
without a real sharing
always a limited sharing
one that takes into considerations the limitations of the other
and one that protects me from judgments (both from myself and others)
>
and I am someone who works best with dialogue
because of my 'going in depth into emotions and ideas', too often
without respect for self or balance
my main defense mechanism is 'not knowing', or 'unconsiousness' or
"not feeling"
the best way for me to work is then
within a bond
within a relation
where I can feel safe
where I can feel heard
where I can feel meaningfull
for my own eyes seem not to suffice

> I am sometimes ashamed of this need/fear
> I am not judging this need, nor should you.
> I am only judging people's ideology and morale around "privacy",
> without people's awareness of the underlying fear of being judged
>
it is the judgment
which is like a trickle
that I only see when conscious of how it may stop me
render ashamed
ashamed of my own weakness
this is a major point here
a weakness here I thoroughly hate
HATE

but am so tired of hating
for it leads nowhere

> no
> this dear dear
was an unloving
'sarcastic playfull' remark wanting to put you and me in the realm of
"let's be a little self-derogating just for the fun of it"
for this is what is left for me in stuckness and helplessness
>
your balagan [confusion] around this issue
your 'being at a loss'
the utter tekiut [stuckness] of it
was just too much for me

I'm sad about it
I'm sad here about my heartlessness
about this coldness in me
>

> hanging on to my lifebelt of "taking all the blame on myself".
>
let me try to remind you
by remembering
that the pain I feel from others
is my pain
-so here I feel the word 'attract' is somewhat out of place-
for I am all
the world at large
the world within
the pain of a dog
and that I have put a clear line of forgetting between me and the world
>
for I chose to live the world as separate
as distinct
so I would not have to feel the pain of the dying earth
so I would not feel the pain of my father and mother
of their crumbling world
of their sentiment of insufficiency
of their feeling of loneliness and terrible horrible fate
of their being abandoned
and left alone
my father's mother died at his birth
my first mother's mother died on her 12 years
after a few years of terrible illness
her second mother died too.. of that same illness
my grandfather was sent to auschwitz [see my pages], although he returned...
my father roamed the roads of belgium at 9 years,
with at his hand my cousin
they used to steal fruit
and sometimes find a few months of schooling in convents
it took us (me and my sister) years to get some of this information out
my parents kept everything inside
and this was best for them
for it all was to no avail
nothing except silence made sense
and not even that
nothing made silence
nothing made sense
there wasn't even real silence
so their pain is yours
not because you are triggered (although you are)
but because you are she
and now I can see I am them
it is simple
maybe it is easier now to know what to do
I don't know
but I have to feel about this
>
this is how this stupid new age message
"I am the world" makes sense
>
>
I will already send you this
because I want you to read all of this

> I will continue later or tomorrow with the rest...
> I have to meet an old friend...

such softness in me....................
>
even the dear dear is soft now
>
> with love
>
> Mar

 

Mar, my friend - 2003_05_13

I read and edited, to discern between what I'd already taken in,
and what is new, what I want to listen to and to respond.

I feared, when you said, that everything triggered you.
But the only trigger you mention was my "inquiries"
and your "suspicion".
(Voice the suspicion, please!)

Everything else was just YOU, plain, pure YOU.
No projection.

I had to restrain myself,
not to send an "apolog"
(from now on code for the need to be apologetic)
after my Shabbat letter.
Not even yesterday, when nothing was there from you,
nor this morning.
Discipline is demanded
for the time being.

You called me "Maryam" with a question-mark,
but this time without a question-mark.

Then it was just a cue to the song
I heart when passing by a mirror
(Westside story: Maria:[see my Song-Game 2007]
I feel pretty, oh so pretty)

Today it occurred to me,
that I want you to call me this.
The name of my anonymity.
And there the connection
Mar -Maryam

Is this going too far?
I'm afraid, how do I dare.
What am I doing.

I'll close my eyes, not read again,
just send it.
The hammer will come,
I'm ready.

2003_05_13-06:33

After another disturbed, short night
I decided to let Body have his feat,
ran through my thorny path over the Titorah Hill to the pool,
too many swimmers, after 10 minutes out, back through the asphalt,
and here I am, permitting myself to write until 7:00

Of course, even before leaving the house I saw you.
And yes, the hammer came,
earlier than I expected and softer,
and only because YOU raised the possibility,
that your not comprehending was the hammer.

You, the poet, didn't get, what wasn't even hinted at,
but clearly outspoken,
the sentence about the third, YOUR, photo,
which I couldn't save the usual way,
and my "wonder" at perceiving you through this picture,
and as to the three common letters of our names,
your not-getting-the-fact, nor the implication of this,
helps me to make the decision:
to not spell out either your nor my name
until the time is ripe.


There is such an important warning in "Song of Songs"
several times,
included in the tune I gave to the first five verses of chapter 3:
'al ta'iru ve-al te-oreru aet ha-ahavah 'ad shae-taekhpatz'.
I 'm scared, that we are running too fast,
and you say it "time and again" (as if much "time" had elapsed)
I need time here for me to let all you say sink in.
and understand as much as possible..
so please beg me to stop writing,
until you'll have completed taking in
what has come to you through me,
and until you'll be whole with your responses to all of it.

And yes I know, that my presence triggers,
not only you, but everyone,
that's why even my grandchildren,
once they loose the unawareness of a child (between 9 and 10)
cannot stand to be with me, literally.
When I still believed in "affirmations",
I rehearsed: "My presence is healing",
but it is mostly only for a short time,
or a momentous encounter.
In general, I have to hide:
I may have mentioned already: Psalm 31, 21 [see my song].
And since you , YOU, are the one,
who knows the reason why my presence triggers,
it might mean, that there is a sign on the horizon,
that with your I may come out of my hiding.

I will take my time for this as I continue slowly
your presence triggers me
as you 'force' (give the opportunity) me to look at myself
this is triggering enough
so if you help awaken things
these are mine
I take my time to feel all slowly and take my time
you seem to have understood here something
I need time to read and answer your three other letters
to feel through them
I really only have time at night to read them these days..
and I don't want to miss a thread

 

2003_05_13- 7:00
["connection to Server failed" - Voila!]

My Friend:
I was in the middle of writing to you.
I heard the sound of incoming mail, I found the line:
"give me time.Don't write."

This is bad timing for me. Should I respect you and sacrifice my own need?

You don't have to "do the answering of my letters". It's not at all about that.
But I see, that we fast reached a point, where every word I say, triggers you.
Even sentences I adopted from your own writing, and reflect them back to you,
are distorted.

I'll stop here , but send you what I already wrote.
You don't have to read it, now or ever.

I'm very grateful for the gift you gave me,
even if there will be no continuation or evolution.
It will help me to live until the time for communication and understanding.

And one more thing. The whole day I've looked forward to telling you,
that I've started and completed a beautiful HeArt-work on my side,
within 3 days.
"healingkiss>appendices>grandmotherhood>Yael - 4 pages"
It's because of the strength and the joy and the love
which the communication that DID occur with you,
has poured into me.

I'm at peace now
and I let you go in peace,
as long as you need to be gone.
Christa-Rachel

This is the part which I wrote before your quest came:
Has it now started, the projecting?
projecting from things you've experienced with other people?
There was only love and laughter in what I said :

You, the poet, didn't get, what wasn't even hinted at,

but clearly outspoken,

the sentence about the third, YOUR, photo,
which I couldn't save the usual way,

and my "wonder" at perceiving you through this picture,

and as to the three common letters of our names,

your not-getting-the-fact, nor the implication of this,

helps me to make the decision:

to not spell out either your nor my name

until the time is ripe.

I wasn't hurt at all and I didn't blame at all.
I just accepted that I couldn't communicate.
Now I am - not hurt - but scared and sad.
My tone of voice is missing in this virtuality,
and the loving twinkle in the eyes.

I feel like in a detective game
clues which are clearly outspoken
and I don't understand
each invents his own reality
and that I'm being sucked into yours
for so many are so sure of their realities

i know nothing
i know just that there are people who believe they know
and you seem to be one of them

Are you pointing your finger at me?
Are you being sarcastic?
Or is this now MY projection?
IN any case, I cry and I try,
I try not to say: "It was bound to happen."
I feel shame, ridicule and self-pity:
"We are running too fast",
another sentence so distorted now:

we're only running too fast if we're supposed to get somewhere
and I've no idea here where
or what we could 'miss'
so looking it though your looking glass
we're running fast enough for me to say
oooooh.... let's take it easy
I'm here
and working
it's going to take time

 

----- Original Message -----
From: Mar..., Ph.D.
To: joy
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 1:25 AM
Subject: Re: I was in the middle of writing. Forgive that I send it. You don't have to read it

Maryam

read it anyway...........

first a hug

then the rest


My Friend:
I was in the middle of writing to you.
I heard the sound of incoming mail, I found the line: "give me time.Don't write."
This is bad timing for me. Should I respect you and sacrifice my own need?
You don't have to "do the answering of my letters". It's not at all about that.

I know that...
but it is right for now

But I see, that we fast reached a point, where every word I say, triggers you.
Even sentences I adopted from your own writing,
and reflect them back to you, are distorted.

fun isn't it?

I'll stop here , but send you what I already wrote.
You don't have to read it, now or ever.

I don't have to 'anything'
but I love reading you
even if I'd rather feel out the other letters now
although after a quick glance I decided it would be best to answer you here

I'm very grateful for the gift you gave me,
even if there will be no continuation or evolution.

do not doubt that I do the work now
that I choose to be triggered
that we have evolution here and continuation
that things are moving quickly
but I can't communicate them now yet... later..probably tomorrow or the day after

It will help me to live until the time for communication and understanding.

don't hurry to imagine any cut here there's some moving I have to do yet

And one more thing. The whole day I've looked forward to telling you,
that I've started and completed a beautiful HeArt-work on my side,
within 3 days.
"healingkiss>appendices>grandmotherhood>Yael - 4 pages"
It's because of the strength and the joy and the love
which the communication that DID occur with you,
has poured into me.

I had a quick look...these kids are beautiful........
tomorrow more

I'm at peace now
and I let you go in peace,
as long as you need to be gone.
Christa-Rachel

i am searching for maryam right now
but you will get my letters later

This is the part which I wrote before your quest came:
Has it now started, the projecting?
projecting from things you've experienced with other people?
There was only love and laughter in what I said :

maybe there was only love and laughter
but there were things said I do not understand
and this triggered me
I did not project here -I think-
not without the consciousness of using you and my words
as mirrors and triggers

You, the poet, didn't get, what wasn't even hinted at,

but clearly outspoken,

the sentence about the third, YOUR, photo,
which I couldn't save the usual way,

and my "wonder" at perceiving you through this picture,

and as to the three common letters of our names,

your not-getting-the-fact, nor the implication of this,

helps me to make the decision:

to not spell out either your nor my name

until the time is ripe.

I didn't believe you were hurt
why should you be scared...or sad....
if you are there
I will find you

I wasn't hurt at all and I didn't blame at all.
I just accepted that I couldn't communicate.
Now I am - not hurt - but scared and sad.
My tone of voice is missing in this virtuality,
and the loving twinkle in the eyes.

I feel like in a detective game
clues which are clearly outspoken
and I don't understand
each invents his own reality
and that I'm being sucked into yours
for so many are so sure of their realities

i know nothing
i know just that there are people who believe they know
and you seem to be one of them

bear with me here
I have to question me and you here in the open
I have belief and unbelief fighting a battle
can you remain there -witness- while I fight it out?
I have even more heartlessness than I care to mention
I have even more blindness tha I care to see (that's a good one...)

Are you pointing your finger at me?
Are you being sarcastic?

accept the split in me
I am both worlds now, or none....
I have to go through this 'sarcasm' or 'unbelief'
I don't really believe my sarcastic self..but it's voice is too strong....

Or is this now MY projection?
IN any case, I cry and I try,
I try not to say: "It was bound to happen."

I feel shame, ridicule and self-pity:
"We are running too fast",
another sentence so distorted now:

it is not distorted
it is a fight
I'm in the midst off
i'm back and forwards
but maybe the written word here
or this kind of communication
makes things said look like we're loosing each other...temporarily
and even what I'm saying here may be a misreading of what you are saying
but I'm trying to remain on track here
and my focus here is on the last 3 letters and what they evoke in me

we're only running too fast if we're supposed to get somewhere
and I've no idea here where
or what we could 'miss'
so looking it though your looking glass
we're running fast enough for me to say
oooooh.... let's take it easy
I'm here
and working
it's going to take time

I really wanted to go through the next letter...
but I guess tomorrow will do

goodnight
and another hug
Mar

2003_05_14 – 6:55

I'm trembling with relief.
Thank you!
o what a poor word.
I too must complete something,
the Tomer pages which keep troubling me.
Tomorrow Immanuel, Efrat and Tomer will be back in Michigan
- hopefully in a temporary home, and with Internet.
He will then read everything,
before telling me, what - for his sake - I need to remove.

But that's only the exterior reason.
I've been struggling with these "pages" for 6 weeks now,
and I must come to terms with what stops me from completing.

May your hug and all it enwraps give me strength and insight.

May I hug you back ? As strong as I feel? Without caution?

2003_05_14
Subject: Re: 7:02 what it is you have written here? he asked.... not afraid Voila!

I only copied, what the Hebrew popup message said:
Connection to the Server has failed.
In which I saw "a hammer".
But when I send this "voila" too,
this and the first letter flew off rightaway.
So, the fear of you created an obstacle,
but the wholeness between us just flipped it away.


YOU

"The angels" produced the General Strike,
so that at 6.30 instead of bringing me the key for the car,
Ronnit called and said, that she needed the car herself,
because no railway etc. etc.
(Thursdays she is in a 2 year program of "group-work" in Leslie-College),
but that school starts only at nine, also because of the strike,
and she wouldn't even wake up the bigger ones, before she'd leave.

So - instead of waking up the little ones,
which are with me Wednesday nights-
and getting them ready until 7.25,
and then taking them to Ronnit's
and fetching the bigger ones from there
and bringing them all to school,
all this could be postponed - though less than an hour,
since I'll have to walk with the little ones by foot to Ronnit's house
and then order a taxi -
so that I could immerse myself into your letters
and let me be bathed by the waves of warmth
on which all your responses floated .

And since I now really must start singing to wake them up,
I'll just attach 2 photos I "caught" yesterday,
with Yael (my daughter's daughter)
and Arnon (my youngest son's son),

I felt they were living something
which I can only imagine...

ME
[attached Arnon and Yael looking at each other on my veranda]

 

 

 

2003_05_14---23:00 Mar

Is this letter from Mar or from Maryam?

underneath I found is a count-back list of the days
of what I thought was the time given to us until July 6,
but we had to part long before that,
also a list of Mar's psycho-medical articles I looked into,
esp. about humor as healing]

You threaten
you explain
but you didn't.....

use the word

although this and other seeds are planted
and will either grow or await other times

this letter is a joy to me
I feel light
as though we have passed a storm
and it's time for harvesting
for resting...

2003_05_15: 18:15

These "angels" are really bastards.

I was not too busy with the kids
and could deal with that strange phonecall right away.

When I reached the conclusion,
that it maybe not me, but you who is needed here,
I thought it appropriate to open one of your "compartments"
and call you - and talk straight to the point and in Hebrew.

But the service 144, which I use rarely,
but which in 39 years of my being in Israel never failed to answer,
said: "Sorry! Strike".
What has Bezeq to do with the strike, only those "angels" know.
I laughed my heart out.
"You thought to cheat on your higher Self
(or whatever is navigating us through our options and temptations),
and rob some voice communication, ha!!
NO way, Not NOW!"

I won't tell you now, why this Limor asked me in the first place,
or why I feel, I'm not allowed to respond to her quest.

Just answer to the point.

2003_05_15 – 19:18

YOU

Dozens of imaginary talks with you.
All important, all meant to be communicated, at least virtually.
I have to come to terms with my obsession with completeness.
To start with I reached 3 decisions of letting go
(my children: "Be wary, mother reached a decision"...)

ONe:
I'll not save our dialogs any longer.
In those many hours on Shabbat
I worked out a method of how to edit and save our communication.
Now I discern several of my patterns behind this attempt
and find it strange, even ridiculous.

Second:
I'll not take responsibility for your time,
your priorities, your right speed of growth.
You'll judge me for having even tried to do that. But I did.
From now on I'll trust that I can take the "hammers", should they come,
and not work so hard to avoid them.
This means, that I'll write, when it is right for ME,
and what and how much is right for ME,
and in what order it is right for ME.

Third: I'll express my alef-heh-bet-heh [= l-o-v-e]
" WITHOUT"!
without caution.

Let me a bit - just a first bit - elaborate on this:

In the latest entry in the >Appendices>RUOW>Blue-Book page
I copied this sentence [from what page?]:

"When harmony and joy accompany the way of evolving,

you always do exactly what you should be doing

and for no other reason except that it is what you feel like doing.
....
Will needs to be allowed to evolve
and recover for you all of its power
to express the full gift of Spiritual presence on Earth.

In the process of balancing,
allow the self to experience
whatever is attractive to it.

This attraction is going to be guided
by the increasing balance
between Spirit, Heart, Will and Body.

The Spirit sees all possibilities.
The Will is meant to select
what is right for the moment
among all possibilities.
The Will does this through its feelings.

If YOU have the determination and courage and strength
to let yourself be triggered,
I have them too.
I need to say more about this, another time.

Now just one more thing:
It grieves me more than you can imagine,
that "Bible and Judaism" mean nothing to you.
My major dialog with you today was about comparing
this deficiency on your part,
with my deficiency concerning your music.

Wait, until I go into both.

I mention it already in this letter,
because I need to tell you something,
which I can do only in my own language,
though you neither understand nor speak it.
Please open to a mental exercise:

I too yearn for a word that expresses what I feel.
You tried the word "affection", but doubted its "effectiveness".
I have no solution yet,
but I want to teach you what I found out - long ago :

alef =1, heh=5, bet=2, heh=5, sums up to 13.
Take a plus and a minus pole,
each one 13,
and you get electricity, vibration and YHWH (=26),
which is "The Name", ha-shem, implying all names,
but not a name at all, but a verb:
S/he has happened, does happen, will happen.
I dread, you won't feel anything with this,
but take it into your mind as a seed,
please...

And tell me more about the following:
the song "windmill of your heart" which I thought about
is really windmill of your mind
it's a nice song by Jose Feliciano, you can get it on Kazaa...
[when I yesterday - 2008_09_30 - looked for videos with this song,
the first one I found and linked to was the performance of Jose Feliciano!]

I found the Kazaa site, but it tells me to download a program,.
Is this, what I should do, to find the windmill and the following?
And try to face, that none of the singers is known to me.

and the song "loosing my religion".. its also (I think Nirvana was the original)
sung by Anouk, who is often quite emotionally expressive and real.

Tomorrow evening I'll be going through some voice-movement therapy...
I look forwards to it...

IF you find "time", tell me about this too.


WITHOUT

2003_05_15 – 23:00

YOU!

I was in the middle of another dialog with you,
when this response arrived (much later than indicated).
I answer it before going on with the dialog,
for I'm glad we're done with this interruption.
Except that I don't understand why we needed it.
I tried to tell Limor my decision, but couldn't reach her.

I thought of sending you the Hebrew letter as a .gif,
but as you say - you had no problems opening R.'s letter.
So we can rely on the angels' meaningful manipulation of informatics.

I didn't mean, by the way, that you should travel to your patient.
He would have been brought to you, like he is brought to the hospital.

And what they wanted, wasn't a psychiatrist, as I understood,
more a psychologist with psychiatric knowledge,
and this you have, as far as I understood.
But if you have "a hard time with sick and depressed people",
then no other reason is needed for saying "no".

My own reason for saying No, is different.
The more Limor told me about David,
the more I remembered my decision,
to never try again to mix up my therapeutic skills with a job for money.

It took me some hours to remember,
that what I had advertised 2 years ago,
was mainly physical work:
I suggested to people in wheelchairs
to run with them through the streets and parks of Modi'in,
so they would feel mobile for a while and fun and freedom,
and I would fulfill my need for movement at the same time.
I did not suggest to motivate them to live.

I had thought of this nice offer (also the ad was really cute),
because with a flat for 550$
I couldn't manage with 1775 NIS National Security
and a cleaning job for 200 NIS per month
(of which 120 go to the house-committee which pays me...)
Then there was no response whatsoever to my ad.
One of the social workers, who got the ad, now advised Limor to call me,
without telling her the slightest detail about me.

My "Loving Heart",
(this worst of my predicaments, see pp23 Loving Hearts' Denial)
which will now be "professionally" shoved into awareness and evolution
by YOU)
dulled me into forgetting my own intention, i.e. to only work physically.


And it was another reason which made me come to my senses:
When my picture of this David had become clear,
I suddenly knew the danger and I made Limor listen to it:

"Either your father will shrug me off like a mosquito,
and if so, why waste my time and your money?
or he will become so attached to me,
that it will be difficult to leave him after 6 weeks
(the time limit i gave her).
For if his motivation to live will be his love for me,
a love which cannot be fulfilled, what will happen then?"
"I didn't think of such a possibility."
"Of course not, it's because you don't know me."

How often have I been through this.
My ability to listen, my radiating compassion, my intuition...
It's called "transference" in your profession, right?
But there you have the barrier of "profession" and "money",
while the absence of barriers with me ...


There is still more to this incident,
it has to do with the name David,
the name I love more than any other.
It is the name of the sick man
and part of the name of his street.
But this goes beyond this letter,
or any letter at this stage of the evolution
of our relationship.


I thought of you, yes, but not so much for helping your finances.
I genuinely thought,
that maybe the call was meant for you through me.
And as to your "alapanim" of clinic and finances,
I'll refer to this, if and when I'll know how.
You say it yourself in your own words:
"where God closes a door, he opens a gate",
an Arabic proverb.

I still don't understand how you write your name in Hebrew.
I felt embarrassed about this today,
and at a loss on Shabbat, when I tried to find you on Google in Hebrew.
Please write the names of the letters one by one.
And what is this name anyway,
can you help me find a meaning in it?
"Kopf" in German is "head" and "gel" ist like "gelb", i.e. yellow,
but this doesn't make sense.
I'm obsessive about the meaning of names and dates,
and both your names don't seem able to satisfy this obsession.
Maybe that's whY! To frustrate me....

I minute ago another letter came in from you,
the time indicated is 22.51, while here its 23.51.
I'll open it, after I send this.
I may not answer today.
So let me just say about this day,,
that I feel exhilarated about the pace of freeing our relationship from fear.

This is as far as a came on Rosh Hashanah 2008

When I understood,
with the help of Mar's incredible gentleness,
that my assignment with Mar was completed
and he had discovered in his wife,
what he had searched for in me,
I wrote him one word,
S H A L O M !

This was on Thursday, June 5, 00:08.
A few hours later I received these words:

Subject: SHALOM : 2003_06_05
and now
I shall never walk alone anymore
So this shall be a final thank U
a gratefulness too small to be expressed by words
or images
to you
Blessed in wholeness


until a future time
when our wholeness will
make us meet again
if it might all please us then

Whole-as-can-be