Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]

I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

1
2
3

How
Learn
And

Heal
Conditions
In

Myself
For
Creating

Into
Heaven
Those

Whole
On
Conditions

Self-acceptance
Earth
Daily

2003_05_06 Dearest Mar,

What could I do with your poem,
if not correcting some spelling mistakes
("insight my tigh" must be "inside my thigh", right?
but I couldn't figure out, what "saccaded" means)
and arrange it graphically in the center, to enjoy it even more?

Mar ,
Maybe, we shouldn't meet after all.
The cord you strike could make me fall in love with you,
and that's the last thing, which would be appropriate,
both for obvious and for "metaphysical" reasons.
Or the opposite would happen:
We may find out,
that we create each other from our wishful thinking,
but the fear, that lurks around,
or my prejudices against therapists, for instance
may create what we are afraid of.

Please discern between what is serious and what is a joke here...
Of course, we would be able to handle any of those possibilities.
But do send me some pictures, so as to be equal,
since you had the possibility to see me on my site.

Thank you for inviting me into the porcelaine crystal shop ,
and trusting that I won't break anything,
but just delight in the beauty and identify with the pain.

"it is so easy to fill up with spirit-force new-age truths and optimism and lift
but so wrong now "
Yes. And if you would do that, I wouldn't be gentle.
I wouldn't interact at all.

"everything is always filled by this feeling of not-enough un-finished ",
There are so many sentences in your poem, that "ask for more",
but maybe you can say more just about this one.

And what about the inside of your right thigh?
Sounds like a lymph infection?

You may have found the RUOW page by now.
It is really helpful , to think of you,
when I edit what I copied.

And now the amazing thing:
You reminded me of pp28,
my long struggle with others feeling overridden by my "transparency".

[Sept. 30, 2008:
The "Reality Shows" on TV in general,
and "Big Brother" in particular,
are a big step towards "transparency"!]

A few days earlier my ex-daughter-in-law threatened me on the phone,
and yesterday she did the same, a hundred times worse, in a letter.
The reason is very much the same as that in pp28,
except that there is a family dependency between me and her,
since she is the mother of Tomer.
This makes the matter much more precarious and dangerous.

The way you received what I shared about my process then,
and the timing of it, - another coincidence,
made me decide to share my predicament and process with you.
I include the letter to R., which I've worked on the whole day long,
but will send it to her only if and after my son will approve of it.

And here's a test for you:
How would you feel, if I would publish your poem on my site:

a) without asking you and without mentioning your name

b) without asking you and mentioning the capital letters of your name

c) asking you and asking you also if I may mention your name or not.

Mind you, I want to know, how you would feel,
not just how you would answer.
I am sick of people's obsession with privacy,
privacy as a concept or a value.
As differentiated from the openly admitted need to hide,
i.e. the openly admitted fear of being judged.

Be hugged - warmly, though virtually

Christa-Rachel

2003_05_07 To Mar


[Before sending this letter:
The following text was supposed to be a short P.S.
[to the letter on May 6, see left frame]
and now see, what came out of it!
I feel guilty of being overbearing.
So please, Mar, if you, too, feel that, now or another time,
help me to be sensitive to your boundaries! CR]

Mar,
Thinking of what I wrote to you and attached to you,
I feel, 4 things should complete it.

1) R's Hebrew letter (but you don't have to read it,
I just think it's fair, that you see it)

2) My first reaction to it in a letter to Immanuel

3) The little sculpture about Tomer's entry into this life,
which I removed from the site already a week ago,
and am not so sure now, that it should be removed.

4) - an explanation of why I wrote my letter to R. in English,
though she isn't too good at it, as most Sabres:
My son cannot receive Hebrew mails right now.
(He, his wife Efrat and Tomer
are on a camping trip in the western part of the USA,
with their last money, after my son was sacked ,
while he was here to visit his kids and to take Tomer with him.)

But I also have to make a confession,
- wanting to be transparent with YOU!
The more I advanced in writing, the more I saw,
that the writing became sculpting.
And when the letter was complete
(unlike the Tomer pages, which still aren't),
I felt I would like - one day - to insert it on my site.

Am I an "exhibitionist" after all?
I feel guilty and ashamed.
A perfect hole for any Asura to jump in.

On the other hand, there are so many things,
that I cannot be transparent about,
because R. would have an actual reason to feel blamed.
Now she is "only" projecting on me
from her terrible feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

But my whole concept of transparency on my site is so fickle.
For I have to hide even things, that have to do solely with myself,
because even neutral visitors would be embarrassed,
and my dear ones would bury their heads in shame.

So whatever I DO expose to the Internet,
is the utmost distillation and refinement of my experiences,
which, I believe, is the quality and characteristics of ART
and therefore not only permitted, but necessary,
if others, who want like me to heal into wholeness,
are to benefit from my experiences and understandings.
Isn't it that, what you phrased so beautifully about pp28?

At a loss ~~~~~~Christa-Rachel

 

Round,
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

 

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Like the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that I [you?] said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
Or the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair?
[these 2 lines are sometimes
sung with different words]

 

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

2003_05_08---1:10 Dear Christa-Rachel

> What could I do with your poem

nothing to do...
it just needed to be written with someone in mind
~~~
from the french 'saccade' it may not exist in english, meaning
coming/falling one after the other in a frenzy -or something like this
>
> and arrange it graphically in the center, to enjoy it even more?
feels nice to read self so presented,
nice to know you've been read
and enhanced.. put into value...thanks

> We may find out,
> that we create each other from our wishful thinking,

yes
there needs to be time for me to investigate what it is I am creating
both what I feel I need
and
what it is I am afraid of
the possible ridicule
the possible unease
the fear of conflict
things the image of you through your site and your letters
seem to trigger

how clear it is that I do not live in any reality other than my sick
(no judgment intended) projections

I think we would either dispel the fears too easily by meeting now
or I could be triggered into fear/unease and choose ease and distance
and and and and bla bla bla bla

not now
but later I strongly believe we will.
The universe will provide for the occasion (or not).

> Please discern between what is serious and what is a joke here...

not easy
although it may seem so easy if I tap into the relevant mindset
there are a number of them
and depending upon what I project upon you I will create as my reality
is it going to be the fear of (your..) uncontrolled emotions
threatening my peace of mind/life forcing me to back out
close-in
or are you going to become the kind of person I want you to be
that is able to uphold the kind of interaction/dialogue I believe I want
or shall I be overwhelmed by my own mental sickness/mindset
For some reason (I know of) there's a horrible smell of perfume in the air here...
I really dislike perfume.
it nearly makes me gag and makes me feel all weak
and my head - is stuck in the smell.

open windows
in-moskitos

> Of course, we would be able to handle any of those possibilities.
of course
would it be possible to be where each of us is in life, and
be able to communicate the deepest of what one is able to communicate
and be heard/received by the other?
in balance

Wow

you seem to be doing this
without being received (letter to R.)
your pain here is at time too big for me
the letter sometimes annoys me

like fighting windmills (this song.. windmills of my heart..)
just BILTI NISBAL [unbearable]

the pathos...this place where you could be put:
"well she's just crazy with all these ideas in her head
and these books about god, and why aren't you reasonable/mainstream"
(R. does this in her so cold and raging letter
expecting you to give in to fear, threat and blows)

I have this fear of being utterly criticized to nothing
annihilated by the word
annihilated by reason
rejected by those I "need"
i really don't believe in me at all................

you know in my head there are all these judgments floating around me
and I've build these ideas/walls to protect myself -
I'm original, I'm different, they are morons, everything is relative
and to avoid them -
by having success, by being charming, by being funny,
by not having any ideas of my own,
and if they are mine they change constantly,
by going with the flow, avoiding conflict
(these are not judgments of ideas)
and by being an outsider within a system

and now there is that disgusting taste in my mouth -
I must have licked my fingers with this anti-mosquito thing on-food-
takes bad taste away

and I love it that you can state your self
where you are at in your understanding of your feelings

> But do send me some pictures,
see attachments of me with my 2 children (about 2 months ago)
and one of my wife and my daughter about a year + ago
and one I added today (independence day)
I thought about you when it was taken.
I bring them in (my family) our realm
although this exchange is private (not secret)
something important to feel through......................

my life is like a cupboard of separate drawers...
sad how life and 'experience'
have brought me to make compartments
and I know this has always been the right choice
still it has been my dream
to have always all and everything in the open

because I believe in my good intentions.
and in the good intentions of those close to me.
but they have sometimes reacted with anger, jealousy, fear, rejection
accepting others' limits has always been a difficult thing with me
especially when their limits affect me
my vision
and I seem not to have been able to uphold my vision alone
and it seems that I have never been able
to share/create this vision with anyone
and comes along
buddha,
jesus,
moses,

[Of course I'm familiar not only with Jesus, with whom I grew up,
and with Moses, who is my most beloved teacher,
but also with Buddha, who did not impress me in any way]

kryon,

early lazaris,

[for some time I, too, learnt from this entity, but don't remember what]

ramtha,

emanuel
[mentioned in " Wikipedia: List of Channeled Texts", but the links lead nowhere.

I read two of this channel's books in the nineties,
they impressed me at the time, but I have no memory of them]

neale donald walsh,

[no feelings are mentioned in this book!
see Godchannel's "Conversations with God"
and the discussion relating to this]

redfield,

[I read "The Celestine Prophecy" and the only thing I remember now, is
"that people will not even see you, when your vibration changes".
But I learnt more from it, when I read the book.]

nelson
[In Wikipedia: List of Channeled Texts a Nelson Farley is mentioned
as having paraphrased Edgar Cayce's "A search for God"]

As to the relevance of all these "spiritual" teachers
see Godchannel's "God's Messengers"

telling me (as I understood it then/now)
to be absolutely alone
and not to search for the illusory companion
that only distances you from your self
(or else to 'know, dear masters that you never thread this world alone...
'Fuck them - I have been alone since always,
and if some of the angels
or 32 level little green/grey people/spirits or something like that
have protected me from all kind of evil -and they did- so what?
why didn't I get what I wanted, why am I told what I need?
there's a big lie here -a major program in the matrix)
where have I gone here...
rage and sadness...they're kind of easy in front of a computer.....
oho...self-contempt.....where is this leading me?
..but its too late today to get into this (this part is 2.15 nighttime)

> so as to be equal,
we are
(couldn't miss making a remark about that slip.... and be a smart ass,
but I saw a sadness here I wanted to hug)

maybe I also wanted the right to be insensitive

> and trusting that I won't break anything,
> but just delight in the beauty and identify with the pain.

first time I read the sentence I thought you were telling me
what to do....(e.g. being a smart ass, ha ha)
now i see what you (really) wrote
how deep and automatic this is with me., these reactions
>
"everything is always filled by this feeling of not-enough un-finished ",

there is too much for the written page
even too much for the spoken word
maybe there is even too much to be communicated
and it's always late in front of the computer
and its like a game to open up and feel as real as possible
and mind and feelings question each other with body there to clue
and reality to do the dream-work
until it often clouds up in something I can't/won't mention
that's how things work for me for now
>
> but maybe you can say more just about this one.
> "everything is always filled by this feeling of not-enough un-finished ",
>
simply: so often there is no peace of mind

>And what about the inside of your right thigh?
for now I think it is a muscle problem

How would you feel, if I would publish your poem on my site:

> a) without asking you and without mentioning your name

bad
>b) without asking you and mentioning the capital letters of your name

bad

> c) asking you and asking you also if I may mention your name
> or not.
>
you could tell me it feels good/right to you to have this published
and I would then answer that I would appreciate this
you would then discuss with me if I wanted my name/initials or not
and I would feel through this and tell you how I felt about the options,
whether I would feel threatened etc...
and then would work a bit with these emotions
and check again if I'm comfortable with any of this etc...

for the moment I need the possiblity to publish this
to be an exchange
a personal one
you see
if you tell me you want to
and I either say yes/no or/and feel this through
I am still alone

but I have no answer yet
and will take my time to feel this through
and see how much of myself I still need to hide
(which is another issue still)
although I feel a part of me would be proud too
and it would mean something new for me
instead of always writing/publishing things
that don't really seem to go to the core of me
it would be a declaration of some sort
but do I want "people" to be able to throw even more judgments at me
(If my name is put down)
I guess I don't feel secure now
But even my initials to the text...
it's somehow Lehithayev [to commit myself]
(sorry no dictionnary at hand -memory blank)
fear fear fear

can't yet walk thru that
maybe tomorrow

> I am sick of people's obsession with privacy, privacy as a
concept or a value.
>As differentiated from the openly admitted need to hide,

I am sometimes ashamed of this need/fear

> Be hugged - warmly, though virtually
>
yes
thank you

I do not fear the closeness now

for we are touching

and if this is virtual
many other hugs are much more virtual than this one

I will relate to the second e-mail and to your letter to R. in the next mail
suffice it to say for now
that I feel you are struggling with things of essence
that this conflict is something I am learning from
(although not very clear yet what...)
it might be about transparency, guilt or
'everything you always wanted to know
on how not to get overriden by others
and remain true to your self without
having to live a warriors life'
I think there's something in this last sentence...

trying to figure out how to end this letter

a lot of possible endings here but just know
I feel with you here and
that i am there
that you are not overbearing

more soft and warm light
like a blanket of hands and softness holding you

Mar

2003_05_08 --- in the morning, Mar

how in-credible, that you are in my world right now,
and so close geographically.
And the pictures! And the response! and the sharing!
and the beauty of your being.

But I wasn't going to relate in written words right now.
What's urgent is my letter to R.
I reached Immanuel on the phone yesterday afternoon
They were camping above the Great Canyon.
(Tomer: "yesterday at dusk - ben ha-arbayim -
we saw a kingdom of stones - mamlekhet avanim"
and he described the colors)
My son said, he couldn't connect to e-mail
and that I should not make myself dependent on him.
R. had also called him, and he had said to her,
that, yes, part of what i'm telling on my site,
was definitely impinging on people's privacy,
but that threatening his mother with a lawsuit, wouldn't help.
She should rather try to "convince" me.

So I decided to send R. the first part of the letter,
just to give her at least a "chance" to feel, that I care and that I relate.

While deciding about the extension of this first part,
I felt, I should elaborate on the expression of the eliminated part:
"It was his self-denial to let it result in matrimony."

And when I started to do this, so much pain came up.
It's always been clear to me,
that my son's self-denial was sucked in
with what little milk his mother had to give him,
when the circumstances of his pregancy, birth and first months
had the potential to make us both insane.
I can clearly see the role of this actor, R., in my life.
I cannot see, though, how I am healing or learning.
And that's why she keeps coming back into my life.

Mar, my friend, since you said that (so far?) I am not overbearing,
and that later you would relate to my issue with R.,
I wrote that addition today , while communicating also with You.
It might help you to make me see things which I don't.
Or at least to comfort me, as you have done in your second poem.
I'm crying again...

I'll have to go now to fetch my daughter's four children from school,
and shall be with them at their house until six.
So let me just hug you ("every person needs at least 4 hugs a day",
I learnt in Reevaluation Counseling)
and say "Shalom"
(always with all the deep meaning of this extraordinary word)

Christa-Rachel

I attached the part of the letter to Ruth,
that starts with "As to your marriage" :2003_05_08

 

 

2003_05_09-----sent 8:23

My friend,

I wanted to allow myself to spend the last hour before midnight with you,
responding to the letter,
I had been savoring during the day, when I was home,
but there - there was a new e-mail from you.
I was kneeling at my computer for many minutes,
until I could restrain myself and n o t write.
Then I couldn't sleep for 2 hours, despite getting up,
letting Body spin time and again.

So now again, I'm disciplining myself,
because of the preferences of this day,
and because the Arab proverb is so true:
"itha sahbak 'asal, ma tilhasoosh kulo!"
"If your friend is honey, don't lick him up totally."
I shall not allow myself to write until tonight, period!

Only this, since you were afraid
(no need, ever, with ME! hear me, trust me!),
how I would receive your perspective concerning my "drama with R.":
Yes, you caught me in the full swing of my favorite survival pattern,
which made me forget, why I set out on this coping in the first place:
to understand - again -
how this "no overriding, no letting-override" - applies.

Thank you, thank you for being on this planet
and for informing me of this!

2003_05_09___23:30

Now the fear is almost greater than the eagerness to write.
Isn't it pathetic, that two New-Heart-people,
trying to become acceptable in the world by a PH.D. etc. etc. etc.,
can have so much fear of each other,
the fear to be judged, the fear to loose.

I know now, that you are not from the US.
This is another thing about you, that pleases me a lot.
But your English is more fluent than mine,
as if it was your mother-tongue. How come?
I calculated, that you are now 41,
at what age did you immigrate to Israel?
And is your wife too from Belgium?
From Bruxelles?
And do you also know Flemish,
or what is it called, the second language in Belgium?
This would mean, you would be closer to my German background.

Yesterday the banale idea came to me,
to look you up in the Internet.
I found you and your wife in "wholefamily"
and read all the articles with both mind and heart.
I saw the info about your work and research,
"humor" for healing - I'm looking forward to this one!
I was shocked about the kind of therapist you are.
I felt as if I had misused you for the R. drama.
But I swear, I didn't know then.
And anyway I shared the story not because of the drama.
Not at all. But I'll talk about this in a later letter.

Today I just wish to talk to you through a poem by Rilke,
which suddenly fell into my hands again.
I think the English translation is mine,

in any case I improved on it a little,
when it occurred to me to send it to you.
I recently added a tune to this poem and keep singing it in the pool...

„Ich lebe mein Leben in wachsenden Ringen, die sich ueber die Dinge ziehn. Ich werde den letzten vielleicht nicht vollbringen, aber versuchen will ich ihn. Ich kreise um Gott, um den uralten Turm, und ich kreise jahrtausendelang: und ich weiss noch nicht: bin ich ein Falke, ein Sturm oder ein grosser Gesang?“

I live my life in growing rings that stretch out over the things Maybe the last one I won't complete But to try I certainly wish. I circle round God, the age-old tower, I've circled for thousand of years, and I do not yet know: am I falcon or storm or am I a great, great song.

Christa-Rachel

More relating to your letter from 2003_05_08---1:10 2003_05_10

Let me just re-present again,
what is especially delicious

yes
there needs to be time for me to investigate what it is I am creating
both what I feel I need
and
what it is I am afraid of
the possible ridicule
the possible unease
the fear of conflict
things the image of you through your site and your letters
seem to trigger

how clear it is that I do not live in any reality other than my sick
(no judgment intended) projections

I think we would either dispell the fears too easily
by meeting now
or I could be triggered into fear/unease
and choose ease and distance
and and and and bla bla bla bla

not now
but later I strongly believe we will.

The universe will provide for the occasion (or not).

"The universe" will not dare not to!
[Sept. 2008- So far it choose "not to!"]

the fear of (your..) uncontrolled emotions
threatening my peace of mind/life
forcing me to back out close-in
or are you going to become the kind of person I want you to be
that is able to uphold the kind of interaction/dialogue
I believe I want

I believe I am

I too hate perfume, and aftershave

of course
would it be possible to be where each of us is in life,
and be able to communicate the deepest
of what one is able to communicate
and be heard/received by the other?
in balance

Wow

you seem to be doing this

(this song.. windmills of my heart..)

Is it worthwhile to know this song?

I have this fear of being utterly criticized to nothing
annihilated by the word
annihilated by reason
rejected by those I "need"
i really don't believe in me at all..............

I don't have this fear any longer,
can this give you hope?
And I don't buy it, that you don't believe in yourself at all.
This is the only untruth in all your letters so far

and I love it that you can state your self
where you are at in your understanding of your feelings

I thought about you when it was taken [Mar's photo on Independence Day].

I couldn't save this third one.
So I copied it from the screen and edited it in Firework.
And though I saved it, it stayed there all day long.
I can edit other things, without needing to delete it.
And I wonder, and I wonder.

I bring them in (my family) our realm
I didn't understand this sentence.
although this exchange is private (not secret)
something important to feel through......................

my life is like a cupboard of separate drawers...
sad how life and 'experience'
have brought me to make compartments

This sentence has echoed in me a lot.
I have had the same dream and it's almost completely realized.
It's only when I come in contact with the word of affairs
(like when the check of my rent is returned for no reason whatsover)
that I find myself separated from myself
in a not yet integrated compartment,
but I'm working on bringing this one home to me, too (pp13, 2 days ago

and I know this has always been the right choice
still it has been my dream
to have always all and everything in the open

because I believe in my good intentions.
and in the good intentions of those close to me.
but they have sometimes reacted with anger, jealousy, fear, rejection
to what specifically, Mar, and who are they?
accepting others' limits has always been a difficult thing with me
especially when their limits affect me
my vision
to have always all and everything in the open?
and I seem not to have been able to uphold my vision alone
and it seems that I have never been able
to share/create this vision with anyone
and comes along buddha, jesus, moses,
kryon, early lazaris, ramtha,
emannuel, neale donald walsh, redfield, nelson
I found "kryon" and "ramtha", but not redfield and nelson.

The "kryon" - nicely animated - has a good policy,
which concerns our issue:

Kryon this magazine and website do not require excessive online administration. Therefore, the duties surrounding password maintenance access restrictions, visitor tracking, and email notifications have all been avoided in the creation and maintenance of these sites. And most important of all, there are NO SUBSCRIPTIONS to the magazine. By removing these simple attributes, we have eliminated high maintenance on the site and magazine, which allows us to share information in a way the Internet was intended to work...FREE, with no hidden agendas.

telling me (as I understood it then/now)
to be absolutely alone
and not to search for the illusory companion
that only distances you [ "you"? or "me"?] from your self

It is true, I also got this message,
to be alone - at this time,
but not at all for the reasons you mention.
But this is too big a subject to start now (23:30)

why didn't I get what I wanted, why am I told what I need?
there's a big lie here -a major program in the matrix)
where have I gone here...
rage and sadness...they're kind of easy in front of a computer.....
oho...self-contempt.....where is this leading me?

I listen to the movement of your pain, anger, frustration,
and wished you would give it a sound, a dance, a deep breath~~~

but I saw a sadness here I wanted to hug)

I surrendered to it like the child I never could be

there is too much for the written page
even too much for the spoken word
maybe there is even too much to be communicated

YES

if you tell me you want to
and I either say yes/no or/and feel this through
I am still alone

I now don't want to publish anything.
I want to gestate this in the darkness and water of my womb.
But I didn't quite understand this sentence: I am still alone.

I am sometimes ashamed of this need/fear

I am not judging this need, nor should you.
I am only judging people's ideology and morale around "privacy",
without people's awareness of the underlying fear of being judged

My response to this letter has come to an end.