The Purpose  of   HEALING - K.I.S.S.

- as stated 12 years ago - was and is

  to help me and my potential P E E R s 

"to HEAL ourselves into WHOLEness,

and - by extension - all of CREATion!"
Intro to Healing-K.i.s.s. 2001-2013
and Overview of its main libraries

[If you look for a word on this page,
click ctrl/F and put a word in "find"]


I focus my experiencing and awareness on being
"a   pioneer of  Evolution  in  learning  to  feel":
I let my Body vibrate and my Heart 'womb'
pain, shame, fear, boredom, powerlessness,
so feelings can >heal >guide>fulfill>evolve,
and ~~~ offer ~~~"goldmines"~~~ to us all!!
"I want you to feel everything, every little thing!"

 

53 days of Moving and E-volving Emotions Manual - 21st day, August 3, 2002

2 hours later it's "alarming", how un-"charming" I feel.
Contrary to my present principle of not initiating anything,
I made a phonecall in order "to be helpful",
or, to be more honest, - to appease a faint feeling of guilt.
When I realized that my voice was hoarse and my speech messy.
I brought the interaction to a swift end,
but it's still alarming how uncharming I feel.

  I asked for helpful   W O R D S   from Godchannel    and read them   A L O U D   to Myself:

 


"Like all of us, you have had the tendency
to favor the good feeling states
and escape from the painful ones.
This has caused an 'up and down' experience
as you've bounced between the two extremes.
Fighting to be always 'up'
causes the 'down' state
to call you back again each time.
Healing is integration.
Being aware of both at once
helps bring two separate parts of yourself together
into a deeper wholeness."

I immediately remembered one of my photos:
Encounter between
Heaven and Earth
Desert and Water
The River Jordan and the Dead Sea
Evening between day and night



 




 

 

2013

The FELT days 83, 84 ,85, 86 ~ of the next 15 FELT years

1 5   y e a r s  = 5 4 8 0   days   of
g e f u e h l t e - g e f u e l l t e   Z e i t   "inmitten der Ewigkeit",
f e l t - f i l l e d   t i m e  "amidst eternity"
from the beginning of my 76th till the completion of my 90th year [unless I'll die after all]
"A dream is our life on Earth ...we measure ...(it) in space & time" -see 2013 songs August Nr. 4-
Yes, I, Christa-Rachel Bat-Adam, want to measure my life on Earth in space & time!
4 days of feelings will be inserted on each of the 1400 pages [set up between 2001-2008]
continuing with M E E M and then following the order of folders and files on my "local site".
The feeling chosen from a day is exhibited in max. 7 lines per day since August 28, 2013
Since feelings must be vibrated~ wombed, each day closes with a song, fitting the 7 lines
 To challenge myself like that -while not knowing what will be "staged"
in my personal and in the world's drama till 2028 , exhilarates me!

2013-11-20-Wednesday - still 5401 days

Awake since 5:30. Breathing! A breakthrough?

"A time to break-down, a time to build up"
Gadi: The young people yearn for a challenge!
The 'Breakup creation', 'Yetzirat-ha-pritzah'
will teach the World to guard the Desert SPS


Song: To every thing, turn, turn, turn
2013-11-21-Thursday - still 5400 days

To my many frights - of the "breakup-creation"
in general and of our Succah-visit tomorrow, an
ancient terror is added: that I again burden my children with my "craziness". Immanuel, who
reacted to my bus-idea in 1984: "Imma, this time I'm totally against it", now urges me to interpret " signs" as: retreat from the world!

Are you judging me children,2013 Songs,Aug.
2013-11-22- Arnon+Yael come- still 5399
I'll NOT judge my feeling of powerlessness.
We won't travel to Mitzpe-Ramon (Arnon: "Don't involve me in your stories like you did with your Bar-Mitzva 'gift'!"), shame! but then the feeling of relief, that I don't have to face Avi YET. More impotence: Yesterday's insight:
"winning over" might be just "manipulation"!

song: ve-shuv hitkhalti mi-bereshit


2013-11-23-Tamir's BD- still 5398days

My contentment with Yael's "breakthrough", in no longer succumbing to the unconscious belief that she has to please others, was put to test with regard to my own expectations from others.
I never expect others to follow my advice in personal matters, or my teaching , but (s. below)

song:When expectations from others




2 hours later it's "alarm
continuation November 20, 2013, still 30 days till Mika's 8th birthday


Nov. 20, 2013: Immanuel's warning and quest

ing", how u

November 20, 2013NNooen-
Synchronicity towards the Message:
a letter arrived on Nov. 19!
the "debt" I have to pay now,
is only 3000 NIS,
a debt I never owed,
because nobody told me,
then in 1990-1994,
that I had not only to pay
for leasing the land of
"Succah in the Dessert",
but for "possessing it"
(mas-rekhush, "property-tax",
annulled altogether in 2000).

The absurdity of this harassment implies the message:
Your model of a
t e m p o r a r y    hosting-business,
was right as a start, as a "promo",
but failed in the long range,
as you've seen already in 2002,
when your "successors"
fought over "business-shares",
as if the Succa-yah was a property.
You learnt it even more painfully,
when - towards the end of 2009 -
your Bedouin visitors were not allowed
to enter the free land of the Succayah!

Now you must dismantle your model
and break-up this human occupation
of the Desert Earth.
"A time to break-down, a time to build up"
You found the Hebrew term "pritzah"
and the English term "breakup".
Both terms imply both aspects:
that something has come to an end,
and that something new will break through.

It's a   f e n c e ,    g a d ê r
which is conjured up by both meanings.
"Yakob" installed a fence that blocks
your path through desert to water.
Gadi informed you, that Avi installed
a fence in front ot the Succa-yah.
The new Zionism for your youth is,
to break up, to break through to the new.



Micha, to whom I already owe almost 3000 NIS for health-costs,
is ready to lend me these 3000 NIS to the real estate tax authority..


Nov. 21: It was not possible through the Internet, so Arnon, who'll visit me on the weekend,
will take the "shovar" (voucher?) to his father, who will then go to the bank and pay.

I hope, that - from my 2720 National Insurance minus 1300 NIS rent +electricity -
I can save 1000 NIS every month and pay back all my debts till the end of May 2014

"aQ

Quest for a
mini-breakthrough
in the fence
that blocks the path between
the Wadi of Compassion and the street
to town and pool,

I appreciate, that Vera from the engineering department in the municipality of Arad,
within 4 days
tried to do something, though her answers and promises are much too general and I had to write back to her.
my response to the municipality's building-inspector Vera, also today
Something new begins
tune and performance by Danny Robbas
lyrics adapted to my own need and liking
original words by Ilil Tamir see in Shironet

I desire to learn as much as possible during these 2 days about my story with Avi, Abraham Dror,
in case I'll have the courage to take Arnon and Yael, intended to visit me on this weekend, to Avi,
as a preparation for the co-creation of the breakup......"


2003_07_03 ; updated on 2009_01_28
quote from my illustrated sequence about our journey on April 14, 2003, to Khirbet Tzura, to our life 2100 years ago.


2100 years ago Avi Dror was a kind of Nabataean king in the area of the Ramon-Crater in the Negev Desert ,
and I was his "oracle".
Since 5 years Avi has been "the guardian" of "Succah in the Desert",
my scientific model of a future nature-compatible Desert Economy.
A nine-month "peace-process", which I kept facilitating
between Avi and my former and later Avi's Succah partners Gadi and Efrat Lybrock
led to three woundrous results:

1) A separation in wholeness between Avi and Gadi, most poignantly epitomized by Gadi:
"I don't need the Succah anymore to define my identity."

2) My own separation from that part of my desert vision,
which seems to have had only a pedagogical purpose,
and not to be physically realized.

3) The profound reconnection between Avi Dror and me,
not only a reconciliation in this life, but the completion of what was cruelly cut-off THEN.

[January 2009:
After that "completion" there was no continuation, on the contrary:
even when I "celebrated" my "Nebo-let-Go" in the Succah, on July 15, 2006,
Avi evaded appearing in "the Tent of Appointment"...
and - much more pain-and shameful - see how my Bedouin friends
(whom I prepared for becoming pioneers of the Rihlah, the Mobile Hosting Enterprise)
were ostracized from entering the Succayah.]


To internalize that "the kingdom was not lost a second time" ,
we made another, deeper journey into the past, to Khirbet Tzura and Tel-Godêd.
What Avi told me about this place, resounded in me:
"There in the desert we were attacked by some enemy
and while I was dying,
I asked you to flee with the rest of the people to this place.
They were relatives-by marriage, and they welcomed you,
but you felt in exile and could never be really happy again."


I have only a few hours left until the closure of Healing-K.i.s.s.!
[The closure turned out to be temporary only...]
While not denying my frustration with the site's hideous flaws,
I let my work be guided towards what is important to complete.

This is how I find myself dedicating my last HeArt-work to that journey,
which is really a journey into the land of Israel/Ismael, in past and present.

 

2013-11-20

In the "1976 Testament" , ( Today, 2013, I finally completed its translation)
I interspersed the fascinating phenomenon of the "Rehabites"
I had forgotten about the Rekhab-sons, a group of people at Jeremiah's time,
who could be an e x a m p l e for guests and hosts in SPS desert enterprises,
not in the still faulty, defective "temporary" model of Succah-in-the-Desert,
but in the pyramidal tents of a mobile "Pyramidion" or "Ohalah" or "Rihlah".
Excerpt from the 1996 Testament and its Annulment in 2002 and sharper in 2009

Since I have not died, but the situation has changed,
I need to re-write this will.

My experience with my successors in the one and only Succayah on the one hand,
and my R&D of the pyramidal tent
and the experience of living, creating, interacting, suffering,
in Sinai and at the Red Sea (Egyptian border and Jordanian border) and at the Dead Sea between 1996-1999,
led me to an ever deeper, new understanding:
the model of a Succayah
is nothing but a bridge between old and new.
It is still too permanent,
thus endangering the Desert SPS Resources,
and the present painful and shameful conflict between the partners,
who each blame the other for wanting to make the Succayah a private business
with the prospect of raising the value of the land for later etc. etc.
makes me even more certain,
that the economic future will be in mobile hosting-enterprises,
based on 12 pyramidal tents and a team of three owners!!
go on reading in THE 1996 SUCCAH TESTAMENT and its Annulment in 2002
Also open "Search" and insert "Pyramidion" or "Rihlah" or "Ohalah"

Excerpt from "Alt-Neu-Land"- new

D E S E R T      V I S I O N

(1) ALT-NEU-LAND 2003
my old vision:

The Midbaryah:
A socio-economic infrastructure
based on 12 Succah-like hosting enterprises and
a Midbaron, an SPS oriented desert hamlet
(2)ALT-NEU-LAND 2003
- Gadi's and Efrat's vision

"The first Midbaryah
does already exist:
Mitzpe-Ramon
and its surroundings!"

(3) ALT-NEU-LAND 2003
my new vision

The Pyramidion or Ohalah or Rihlah
Mobile hosting enterprises, based on
pyramidal tents for guests and hosts,
around permanent service settlements.

.....But the future desert economy
will not be based on succah-like structures, which are - after all - too permanent,
with all the temptations for people to "settle" and "sell/buy" or "bequeathe/inherit"
which implies expansion and the destruction of the very basis of Desert economy:
the resource of Space-Purity-Silence.

This future has been preparing itself since long.

The economic future will be in mobile hosting-enterprises,
based on 12 pyramidal tents and a team of three owners!!

I intend - one day - to outline the technical and financial viability of this model.
In Hebrew it would be called "Ohalah", from the word "ohel", tent.
In Arabic it would be called "Rihlah", a joke of a Bedouin woman in Sinai,
who associated my name with the Arabic word for "travel/journey/passage".
The English term "Pyramidion" was invented for my model in Sinai in the summer of 1996,
by Ruth Rosenzweig, my ex-daughter-in-law and Tomer's mother.


Though each mobile business will be independent,
there will be close ties between at least two Ohalahs,
like one in the Israeli desert and the other in the Palestinian desert,
They, for instance, would exchange hosts over weekends,
so as to guarantee constant cross-fertilization and renewal.
new [Dec. 17]:
This is a great idea,
but for the time being to "futuristic".
I want to suggest the 3 first models :
one: Jews in Israel, one: Bedouins in Israel, one Arabs in Palestine,
but I fear that even this is not viable for the first 3 models,
just like it may not be viable in the first year,
to erect an Ohalah in that spot of the ancient Nabatean town,
which is close to the still existing Succah in the desert,
but within a "fire-zone" of the army
new [Dez. 17]:
As to the idea of exchanging hosts,
this may not be viable in the model-stage,
but later it will be very fruitful.
It means - among other effects
- that each host will also be a guest sometimes

There also has to be a team-training
at least once a month
by an outside facilitator, paid by the team

 





November 21, 2013
messages
The morning-book from my shelf: the tiniest and most tattered
in my more and more minimized library:
[but now there is a pretty Internet Edition of Pirkei Avot!]
Having come across my sentence [s. the copy of it above]
 my desert vision,
which seems to have had only a  p e d a g o g i c a l  purpose,
and not to be physically realized.
I was suddenly astounded, how the visions of "my three peers",
which mostly failed
(see for instance, what I quote in 1996 Testament and its annulment:
 the Torah's + Jeremiah's demand to free the slaves, which failed utterly),
stayed alive in "tradition".
They had pupils, who, even if they didn't understand much
of what their teachers meant, lived and almost died for,
took care to let their teachings live on in "tradition".
That's what I have to do,
to give an example of "a revolution in sustainability",
that will live on in "tradition".

quoted from Peter Senge's book,
THE NECESSARY REVOLUTION,
see in "Noah's Ark" [also" s. this website]
"Sustainability is not a problem to be solved.
It is a future to be created.

"Move easily from problem-solving to creating:
Overcoming fear and anxiety
as a motivation for action
and act out of one's own aspiration
and sense of possibility
evoking inspiration
and creativity throughout the system.

"Leadership ...concerns the capacity
of a human community to shape its destiny
and, in particular, to bring forth new realities
in line with people's deepest aspirations."

P R E G N A N C Y

A paper-composition, 1985,
I loved very much,
"suggested"
to be relevant for me now:
My mother, pregnant,
shortly before delivering me
to this world,
on a holiday with my father.
"Along the water" she wrote

Next to it a quote about how people "changed" in the presence of Pres. Kennedy.
This is my plight:
"you bring out the best in people, but also the worst"
(Mona in the early eighties)

Above it [below on this page!]
a calender-clipping [1954?],
on which I drew the view
which I most favored
while growing up in Germany,
a view - not in Israel,
a view - not in the desert.

"Greetings to all you 4  1/2", [I was  p r e g n a n t  with Micha],
wrote my mother after her first visit in Israel in 1966, on a postcard with
an Austrian stamp, indicating 120 years of an NGO FOR Animal Protection
On top of the paper composition
I see a tritych of Christa, the child:
"One that always laughed
an enormous laughter,
when she was a baby"
That was in 1940, when I was not yet 2 years old.
"She laughs so much",
wrote my mother somewhere,
and when I was 12:
"She is much too serious, probably
because of my lack of self-constraint".
What I see now,
is the frightened face of my baby-sister...

Above the middle image I wrote (in 1985):
"One who does not know
what to with her body"
I was 12 then, and learning to skie
proved to be far beyond my ability.

The third photo shows neither my age,
nor what I was doing except of walking,
seriously--- with a school-bag in hand
(i.e. no satchel on the back, meaning
I was at least 16 in that snowy environment)

And finally the images of Tamar Berlin's present, real, not symbolic pregnancy!
I sent a response to a letter from Tamar, also asking her for a pregnancy-picture for this composition.
They shot 3 images and within 40 min. I could edit them~
Fantastic technology!

Tamar is one of the 3 children
of Margret-Sabera,
who owe their names to me.
All four visited me in 2008,
and Sabera came also in 2012.
Except for this- no contact.
Then on September 6, 2013
a letter from Tamar:

"I'm pregnant
and I want you to give the baby its name,
once it will be born."
I'll do this with love.
Also because of her story with Martin [see "my" Martin!),
a man from Colombia,
whom she met while volunteering in Argentine.
Now he is in Berlin
with Tamar Berlin,
hoping to get a work-permit..
I'm glad,
that Tamar created
a drama for herself
which is so much easier than
my drama with Immanuel was.

Ich fuehle mich selber schwanger, aber am Anfang, mit viel Angst.
Als ich mit dem begann, was ich spaeter: Succah in the Desert,
a scientific model of Desert SPS Hosting Economy, nannte
(SPS= Space, Purity and Silence, die Resourcen der Wueste
die, wenn sie verkauft werden sollen, bewahrt werden muessen)
war ich, so sagte ich 1989, 10 Monate schwanger mit der Vision.
Jetzt, jetzt, muss das was physisch realisiert wurde,
also die "Succayah" [frag Deine Mutter),"niedergebrochen werden".
Denn was daraus geworden ist, bemakelt die Vision,
die weiterhin wichtig ist nicht nur fuer die Wuesten des Mittleren Ostens,
sondern fuer "nachhaltiges" (Euer Wort) Arbeiten mit unserm Planeten.




Tamar with her mother
in Succah-in-the-Desert
1992
"Fuer alles ist eine Zeit,
...eine Frist fuers Niederbrechen und eine Frist fuers Erbauen
...eine Frist fuers Steinewerfen und eine Frist fuers Steinestapeln"
Die Vision ist jetzt das Niederbrechen und Steinewerfen,
und um sie so zu erfuellen, dass sie im Schockieren lehrreich wird,
ohne zukuenftigen Schaden in den Seelen der Menschen anzurichten,
muss ich mit demselben Ernst, Glauben, Wissen und vieles mehr darangehen,
mit dem ich an die Vision des "Erbauens" gegangen bin, von Nov. 1988-Sept.1989.
Auch wenn Du nicht viel von meinen gedraengten Worten verstehst,
so bist Du gewiss bereit mir "symbolisch" zur Seite zu stehn,
und dazu moechte ich eben Dein Bild, das ich dann zu zwei andern photos,
die "Schwangerschaft" zeigen (meine Mutter mit mir, ich mit Micha), hinzufuege

If Tamar were Jewish and Martin not, or vice versa, and they would live in Israel, they would not be able to marry.
Finally people are standing up against this absurd reality of a government controlled by religious fundamentalists.
Arnon, my grandson (17), posted a video with ever so many celebs who support the "brit ha-zugiut ha-ezrakhit",


As to the stamp on my mother's postcard, sent in 1966: I made a copy of it for Elah, who is so concerned about the sufferings of animals.
In her "Thank you" , she asked me, how I was, and though I doubted, that her interest was serious, I "documented" my present upheaval:
I even omitted to correct spelling mistakes before sending , especially: I wrote maerkhaq - distance - instead of "maerkhav - Space" (SPS)

 

 


November 22, 2013, still 28 days till Mika's 8th birthday


November 22, 2013

How wondrous that I came across this passage in "My Ordeal", 2003

"I am again on the verge of a new lekh-lekhâ, [see Noah' Shore History]
and intense feelings permeate me to the last of my capillaries:
grief about having to part from two years of an almost comfy-cosy life,
excitement towards an "advanced" lesson in "Healing into Wholeness",
and apprehension, fear, terror of what I am about to create for myself."
[I searched among my "Background Images".
Ram Eisenberg's "Angel" above the Succah came up, but "in front", not as "background"]


It hit me:
Ram Eisenberg, the "green" architect, could he be my angel again!
When googling for   "RAM   EISENBERG"    , to find his address,
the first thing I came across, was
The removal of fences around Park Kiryat-Sefer in Tel-Aviv
Though there's no special credit to the architect,
the "project" is simply fantastic.
If Ram could gather so many people around him
in the face of all the authorities,
then perhaps it will be him
who can do the same with the "breakup-creation",
the more so, as - in 1991 and again in 1992 - he not only improved
the physical realization of the Succayah,
but - so relevant for the future - was there in the exact moment,
when the "pyramidal tent" had to be invented
for the future model
of a mobile Desert SPS Hosting Economy;
the Pyramidion/Ohala/Richla.
Dec. 17, 2013: The chat on his website was not responded to.
Since I'm not to "petition" or "partner" anybody, I let Ram go.


The association "Ram Eisenberg" brought up another one:
    DANI    KISH             
[see "My Life's Harvest- enhancements in 2011] see also spelled Dani Qish
Study the story!  sculpted in Hebrew and in English!  in "Nebo-let-go"!
Though the cut-off in the end
was just as "bad", as the one from Ram,
the beginning was just as mystical.
I now found him - in a desert vinyard -
surrounded by his sculptures,
of which the only one on Dani Kish's website was - this angel!

He was among the people "displaced" from Sinai, 1982
where he had "built" a "succah" on the shores of the Red Sea.
Will he be able to understand,
that his succahs near Mitzpe-Ramon must be removed now, too?
Thinking of these angels, Ram and Dani,
the greatest among the creators of the Succayah
(don't forget the help of Immanuel, Micha, Uri in 1990)
and not Renata's miraculous repairs and constructions)
I feel such exhilaration - I can't describe it.
If they were sent to me then in my deep plight,
they might be included in "mashaehu matkhil"
s. the song above

Perhaps Dani's vinyard hints at my idea to not uproot the vinyard in front of the Succayah,
which Gadi now discovered and which might "belong" to Avi,
Let him build a hut there and make the land his 'property'?
Planting vinyards is an important part of the redemption-prophecies!


Response to Immanuel's Warning and Quest
(not yet completed, leave alone sent)
"Te'udah"

 
to be continued on Kaf-Tet b'November, the 29th of November 2013

 


November 23, 2013, still 27 days till Mika's 8th birthday

continuation of the compositions with Mika



November 23-26, 2013 - Finetuning
Finetuning to "filigree-feelings"
The seven lines of this felt day - (Nov. 23 above) - cannot contain
the avalanche of feelings and understandings,
(while endeavoring not to judge myself),
which came upon me, while waking up too early on the veranda.
(Arnon wanted to be ready at 7:20 for his father, who would come with jeep and bikes,
so as to join their mountain-biker friends for a desert-adventure from Arad to the Salt-Sea.
When I woke up, after a night of little sleep, I looked at my watch, saw 7:20,
jumped up, entered the room with the sleeping kids and saw it was only 6:10).
This gave me the chance while looking through the geranium at the sky,
to digest, womb and record, holding the recorder and my mouth under my blanket.]

There was, of course, much enjoyment with my grandchildren,
but there was also the "usual" tenseness and wish to be alone.
This time I hit upon a weird yet overwhelming phenomenon in myself,
I can describe it only with a bit of cynism:
Since 40 years ago I've been teaching myself and others,
Fritz Perls, "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim", 1969
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
and I am deeply pleased with Yael's and Arnon's process toward-
not needing to please others, but doing their own thing,
but - not counting all my own past failures with regard to this teaching-
what I discovered now as my own expectations from others
is so intricate and so tiny, that I never saw anyone observing this before:

1) I expect my guests to enjoy themselves, be satisfied, "full-filled",
- if not, it's me that is to be blamed ,
because I'm not making the togetherness interesting or relevant for them.
(but if I do just that, making it interesting, yes relevant for their lives,
I'm also blamed, that I'm too dominant, s. my mother You are taking all the space,
and then when you're not there, people fall silent and have nothing to say.")

2) Part of this is: I expect the people in my presence
to listen to me, when I talk
and to listen to each other, when another talks.
Today I observed, how I felt crazy with tension,
when I saw (or imagined?) Arnon not listening when Yael talked,
even more so, as it was perhaps the first time,
that she talked with any length,
and about her deepest feelings and understandings
concerning what she calls her "pritzah" , her breakthrough,
[a consequence of her experience with her school's travel to Holocaust Poland]
meaning: no longer adjusting herself to the expectations of others.

Through all my teaching life I said ever so often :
"When in a class of 20 or in a circle of 10 there is just one person,
who does not listen, I'm so disturbed, that my performance falls off in quality."
But is this a reason for others to be expected to listen?
To take responsibility for the quality of my performance?
Why am I so dependent on people's listening?
And worse:
why am I so strained, if someone else talks ,
but is not getting the attention, every "Cain" should get?
Is it only my identification with "Cain" (which is truly a character-trait)?
Or is it that fear of being blamed for not making it interesting for everyone?
Or is it a projection of my own unhealed "Cain" of not being listened to?
Once, when David and I came back from the Pyrennees
and entered the plane after I had blamed him yet another time for not being attentive enough,
he invented: "Think of PLAYING attention, not paying attention'!"

Still my expectation from Arnon was so intense,
that I couldn't always swallow it, or turn to him with a question,
so as to drag him into the interaction between Yael and me.
Several times I acted out my tenseness by pleading for his attention.

The next day, Shabbat, Nov. 24, while Arnon was on his bike-tour,
Yael and I sat on the stones on the slope of the Wadi of Compassion,
(Yael: "even though you can't walk much,
you have the view of the desert in front of you")
and after she was complete with the sharing of her voyage to Holocaust Poland ,
she reminded me of the work I had done in my veranda-bed, as I had hinted at.

This was very helpful to me - thanks to you, Yael, for your active listeningj
and we decided, that I would address Arnon and apologize ,
though he might not even have been aware of my subtle blaming,
i.e. of my unaware expectations.

I believe that I can learn to cope with my "need for intensity"
by wombing and vibrating my feeling of emptiness and frustration,
secretly intensify my breathing, subtly moving toes, fingers, lips etc.
- instead of "organizing", "arranging", "manipulating" everyone
to contribute for making the togetherness "interesting and relevant",

I also believe that I can learn to release the judgment,
that I'm responsible for people "having fun" in my presence,
or more exact, of "feeling fulfilled" and readier to cope with their lives.

But I can't imagine to be relaxed, when not listened to,
or worse, relaxed when others in my presence are not listened to.

Arnon and Yael with Grandma - ten years ago

-2-

More of the same::

What is this immense hole in my wholeness of not being listened to?
I think, it's not even only from this life!
Isn't it also the suffering of the prophets, of God himself,
"you are not listening" ,
but in the Bible this listening implies also doing,
na'asae venishma'! we'll do and we'll hear! [Exodus 24:7]
This is not the same for me, I'm not hurt,
if people not follow my advice or my teaching .
I can bear this, trusting them that they find their way in time.
[See my song, created in 1993 on the edge of the Ramon Crater
..."With me or against me - will you discover [tegallu] your choice
Against me or with me - will you grow [tegadlu] your powers
You'll redeem [tig'alu] the Messias, the Redeemer [ha-goel], in yourself" ]


I always try to take people's not listening to my talking as a sign,
that I should stop talking,
but this does not help me, when another is not listened to.


I should train in feeling this pain,
instead of escaping into limiting my interactions to the minimum possible.
The pain, when "Yael" is not listened to, has 3 sources,
1) my projection of not being listened to myself [an unhealed hole]
2) my identification with what I believe (!) and feel , is
that the 'Kayin' in every human wants to be "received",
3) my "belief/judgment",
that I'm responsible for other people's happiness,
especially their happiness in my presence.
and from there my fear of being guilty, not OK, of being blamed.



Back to my "dibburitis", my "need" to talk!
It, too, has 2 sources.
one is that I really need to talk, as a movement of my thoughts and feelings,
the more so as I have not lived within a family for most of the last 30 years.
The other source has to do with the need for intensity,
i.e. when there is an emptiness in the room and no one else talks,
I feel pushed to fill the emptiness by talking myself.
Often I find a better way, which is - to put a question to someone,
the answer to which might be "interesting" for everyone in the room,
but just as often I simply talk myself....
Another reason for talking is when I get tired, physically tired
by having listened for too long, even though what I listen to, is "relevant".
In the case of tiredness I'm very much aware of having to "do" something,
simply in order to not fall asleep and thus - hurting the other.

Again I say, I'm free of the expectation that someone does what I tell him,
be it doing it for me or be it doing it for him/herself
Yet I'm not free of the expectation that someone feels good about himself,
when s/he is with me.
Nor am I free of the expectation that someone listens to me!
And least of all am I free of the expectation
that the other listens to the other, when the other talks with me.

Finally I attracted a minute situation, on this day,
where nobody expected anything from me, not even I myself.
But it was the situation of someone not being listened to:
I came out of the house, walking toward watering the planter next to the gate, when I heard a religious boy, perhaps 10 years old, walking on the sideway
with a sibling in a stroller and two other siblings behind him,
saying "Shabbat Shalom" to the laborers across my gate.
I heard the boy repeat "Shabbat Shalom" 4-5 times.
By the time I was next to the planter and watered it,
the kids were already ten steps ahead of me
but I couldn't bear that the boy was not "received".
I said softly: "But these men cannot answer you!"
"yes he didn't answer at all" ,
"because they don't celebrate Shabbat, "
and making a pause I said stupidly:
"they are Arabs, but you can say to me "Shabbat Shalom", which he did.
If I had at least said "they are Muslims", he probably wouldn't have understood this but with the term "Arabs" I fear I put a prejudice in his little mind....
And all this because of my crazy projection (I'm judging myself now...),
of not being "received" myself [s. the 2013 song Aug. Nr.4, hartiti shae-lo meqabblim]

How often have I decided, made ditties about it etc., that if I talk at all
it's only in order to cause the other to be inspired to talk on his part.
Or at least to end a talk by:
: "Does this surprise you? Does this irritate you?"
But how rarely do I follow my advice to myself!
Like when I finally came home from the Wadi,
where I had tried to work out our mutual triggering,
(Arnon walked away, but then came back, with Yael,
"I felt, leaving you there alone, was not okay")
and Micha asked about the "quarrel"
I told him as concisely as possible what had happened.
He listened, I think, he even listened carefully,
but as usual, didn't say a word.
Couldn't I have said: "does this worry you,
or does it remind you of things you yourself experienced with me?"
I didn't and couldn't say a word.
Again there was this silence/emptiness and we still had 20 min.
"Should I take care of the vacuum-cleaner?"
he knew that it wasn't working well.
There, at least, I had the right mind to say:
"No, that's not the right moment!" turning to the children,
"perhaps you play and sing again?
Perhaps the song you co-created the last time you were here together?"

This broke the ice, as the saying goes,
i.e. Yael helped Arnon to remember the chords , and she sang,
a song - by chance so fitting for my situation
[s. 2012 songs, other authors - 1st song].
"...finding a way to be less perfect"
I recorded it, and before they ended, they laughed,
and the good-bye scene included a long hug between Arnon and me...

While searching - in vain- for that Arnon-Bar-Mitzva-tent-shame
in the garden of Josef Semana at Bet-Hashmonai in June 2009
mentioned in Felt Days , Nov. 22, above, I read about coping with " shame":
.
... Or did I have a hidden hope
- after all this work yesterday on The Future of the Pyramidion -
that someone might "see" the pyramidal tent and kick of the molecule
which eventually will become the avalanche of my Desert Peace Vision?
"All the work yesterday" referred to a Nebo-let-go sculpture:
Much later it turned out,
that the model of the "temporary hosting business" was ------flawed!!
The leasing of land tempts people to take hold: "this is mine!!"

But I didn't yet know this, when I parted as a hostess from the Succayah.
This was during Succot 1994.
Together with Yael Gavish there was an excellent team there then and I said to them:
"Either you can manage the model without me,
or the entire vision was a mistake!"

I lived around a hill in my bus, I asked for a room in the Succah-office in town,
but I did not even use the vehicles of the business,
but drove to town to make phone-calls by bike, 7 km up and down the hills.

Yael's journey to Holocaust-Poland with grade 11 and 12 of the Democratic Schools of Modi'in and Hadera.
See such a journey - well documented - of her siblings Jonathan and Rotem , 4 years ago


Before they leave - with Micha in the jeep, that had brought the mountainbikes for his and Arnon's tour to the Salt-Sea from 7:30 till 14:30 -
a little softness after the storm in the Wadi of Compassion: Yael sings the song [April 2012] , co-created by her and Arnon
a song, which fitted what I felt: "How did I again fall into a puddle of errors... and finding a way to be less perfect"

My response to Yael



Yael,
my -deep-thinking,
deep-feeling
granddaughter,
posted birthday-blessings to Shir,
who may become her brother's wife in time,
a blessing on Facebook
which goes beyond the usual
superficial "mazal tov"







my response to Tamir's response (right frame)

From: "A Letter from God
to those doing the Healing Work"
"At times your experiences
as you approach the threshold of greater wholeness
will likely seem to be complete reversals
of all you have done in the healing work.
It will seem
that the entire world gaps or splits from you,
and becomes oppositional to you.


"Where you once believed yourself
to be only good and righteous,
you will find
your goodness has also had its shadow.
This pattern will apply at each 'gate' or 'threshold'
you must pass through
as you near the end of the journey home.

 

"There will be great darkness for you in these times,
and I want you to know that 'this too shall pass'.
You are trusting that the Mother and I will be here for you,
to catch you as you fall backward.
And that is so, we surely will.

After I had to hear such terrible things against me, from both: Arnon (17) and Boris (27) ,
there comes this lovely letter from Tamir

I hadn't realized that the line in Yedid Nefesh,
(s. 2013 songs, July Nr.2) , quoted by Tamir,
originates in Moses' prayer for his sister Miryam,
when she was "punished" for attacking her brother:


Immanuel 30 years ago, now has been learning for over a year to advance in his El-Al career and become flight-captain

continuation
I brought the interaction to a swift end,
but it's still alarming how uncharming I feel.
I asked for a helpful word from Godchannel and got this: